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1
00:00:06,124 --> 00:00:09,952
Woman: When I was a child,
my mother had a rule --
2
00:00:10,055 --> 00:00:14,193
only one cookie from
the cookie jar per day.
3
00:00:14,296 --> 00:00:17,365
Thing was, I loved cookies.
4
00:00:17,469 --> 00:00:21,986
I'd lie, cry, beg, and scream
until she would relent.
5
00:00:22,089 --> 00:00:24,331
She could never say no.
6
00:00:24,434 --> 00:00:27,503
When I was 11,
her stepbrother crashed his car
7
00:00:27,607 --> 00:00:31,503
while driving drunk
so my mother gave him hers.
8
00:00:31,607 --> 00:00:35,710
So she had to walk to work --
four miles each way.
9
00:00:35,814 --> 00:00:39,055
One morning she stopped
to admire a beautiful deer
10
00:00:39,158 --> 00:00:40,676
standing in a field,
11
00:00:40,779 --> 00:00:43,296
and that's when
a mid-sized sedan careened
12
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:46,227
onto the sidewalk
and crushed her.
13
00:00:46,331 --> 00:00:49,089
Turned out the driver of the car
was her stepbrother,
14
00:00:49,193 --> 00:00:51,365
drunk yet again on light beer.
15
00:00:51,469 --> 00:00:54,021
My mother spent months
in the hospital recovering,
16
00:00:54,124 --> 00:00:55,227
unable to work.
17
00:00:55,331 --> 00:00:56,607
Desperate for cash,
18
00:00:56,710 --> 00:01:02,365
we sold everything except
for this cookie jar.
19
00:01:02,469 --> 00:01:05,641
Cookie?
20
00:01:05,745 --> 00:01:07,400
Sure.
21
00:01:07,503 --> 00:01:08,952
Thank you.
22
00:01:09,055 --> 00:01:09,883
For later.
23
00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:12,745
No, thank you.
24
00:01:12,848 --> 00:01:18,607
As an accountant, it's my job to
keep the lid on the cookie jar,
25
00:01:18,710 --> 00:01:21,779
which brings us
to the expense report
26
00:01:21,883 --> 00:01:25,503
from your recent business trip
to Los Angeles.
27
00:01:25,607 --> 00:01:28,469
What I need for you
to answer me is this --
28
00:01:28,572 --> 00:01:31,296
how did four
Hampton DeVille employees
29
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,952
in the course
of one dinner
30
00:01:33,055 --> 00:01:37,227
at Marcus Sombrero's
Mexican Bar & Grille
31
00:01:37,331 --> 00:01:41,469
manage to drink
16 margaritas?
32
00:01:41,572 --> 00:01:44,848
[ Chuckles ]
33
00:01:44,952 --> 00:01:46,055
Mm.
34
00:01:46,158 --> 00:01:55,538
♪♪
35
00:01:55,641 --> 00:02:04,952
♪♪
36
00:02:05,055 --> 00:02:07,158
You were in Los Angeles
for three days
37
00:02:07,262 --> 00:02:10,986
to attend BusinessCon,
correct?
38
00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:12,572
John: Yes.
We were sent
39
00:02:12,676 --> 00:02:15,021
to represent Hampton DeVille
at BusinessCon.
40
00:02:15,124 --> 00:02:16,572
It's an orgy of meaningless
handshakes
41
00:02:16,676 --> 00:02:19,089
and empty promises tinged
with lies and desperation.
42
00:02:19,193 --> 00:02:21,124
Honestly,
it was electric.
43
00:02:21,227 --> 00:02:22,952
I got my own lanyard
and badge.
44
00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:24,607
It was Matt's
first BusinessCon.
45
00:02:24,710 --> 00:02:28,572
The first two days you stayed
well within your per diem limit.
46
00:02:28,676 --> 00:02:30,814
I pride myself in sticking
to a per diem.
47
00:02:30,917 --> 00:02:32,296
But on the third day,
48
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:35,503
things got a little out
of control, didn't they?
49
00:02:35,607 --> 00:02:38,607
You went $47
over the limit.
50
00:02:38,710 --> 00:02:40,986
Let's start at the beginning
of the day.
51
00:02:41,089 --> 00:02:46,089
You spent $23.40
at Cassie's Coffee Cart.
52
00:02:46,193 --> 00:02:47,124
Large coffee.
Ah!
53
00:02:47,227 --> 00:02:48,400
Oh, sorry, Kate.
54
00:02:48,503 --> 00:02:49,952
Hmm. Do you have samples
of the scone?
55
00:02:50,055 --> 00:02:52,193
John?Kate, one moment please,
I'm talking scones.
56
00:02:52,296 --> 00:02:53,779
I'll have a coffee
in the largest size you offer
57
00:02:53,883 --> 00:02:56,262
and also a Snickers bar
in the largest size you offer.
58
00:02:56,365 --> 00:02:58,400
I felt like the mother
of three children.
59
00:02:58,503 --> 00:03:00,676
No woman should have
to experience that.
60
00:03:00,779 --> 00:03:03,158
I will, in fact,
do the pound cake.
61
00:03:03,262 --> 00:03:04,952
How many pounds
are in a pound cake?
62
00:03:05,055 --> 00:03:07,227
John,
just make a decision.
63
00:03:07,331 --> 00:03:09,365
[ Groans ]
64
00:03:09,469 --> 00:03:10,814
Cheese Danish.
65
00:03:10,917 --> 00:03:13,848
I deeply regret not getting
the scone.
66
00:03:13,952 --> 00:03:15,193
It's so obvious now.
67
00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:18,227
Then there is
a four-and-a-half-hour gap
68
00:03:18,331 --> 00:03:20,469
between breakfast
and lunch.
69
00:03:20,572 --> 00:03:22,538
What happened
at that time?
70
00:03:22,641 --> 00:03:24,572
Well, we just --
I don't know, networked.
71
00:03:24,676 --> 00:03:25,952
You know how it goes
at these things.
72
00:03:26,055 --> 00:03:29,883
Actually, I don't get to go
to conventions.
73
00:03:29,986 --> 00:03:32,089
Enlighten me.Okay.
74
00:03:32,193 --> 00:03:33,779
We walk up to people
and we say...
75
00:03:33,883 --> 00:03:36,193
Hi, I work at Hampton DeVille,
where do you work?
76
00:03:36,296 --> 00:03:37,607
Oh, wow,
that's impressive.
77
00:03:37,710 --> 00:03:39,538
Maybe we should definitely
do business some day.
78
00:03:39,641 --> 00:03:41,469
What do you?
You work in user experience.
79
00:03:41,572 --> 00:03:43,572
I definitely know what that is,
and I think it's incredible.
80
00:03:43,676 --> 00:03:45,779
Let's definitely stay in touch.
I'm desperate to stay in touch.
81
00:03:45,883 --> 00:03:47,503
Please don't ever stop
staying in touch with me.
82
00:03:47,607 --> 00:03:49,607
Oh, look, we've been
talking for 35 minutes.
83
00:03:49,710 --> 00:03:51,021
All: Whoops,
there goes my life.
84
00:03:51,124 --> 00:03:52,503
Anyway, I have to go.
85
00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:54,331
I have 10 more of these
exact same conversations.
86
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:56,227
Here's my business card.
Let me give you my card.
87
00:03:56,331 --> 00:03:57,745
Here's a card.
Card. Card. Card.
88
00:03:57,848 --> 00:04:00,296
Card. Card. Card. Card.
Card. Card. Card.
89
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,917
-Ping me.
-Okay, I get the picture.
90
00:04:03,021 --> 00:04:06,124
After lunch, we went
to the keynote speech
91
00:04:06,227 --> 00:04:09,262
by Amanda Calhoun,
also knows as...
92
00:04:09,365 --> 00:04:10,779
Announcer: Mrs. Cowboy!
93
00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:12,952
Howdy, BusinessCon.
94
00:04:13,055 --> 00:04:14,227
[ Cheers and applause ]
95
00:04:14,331 --> 00:04:16,227
Y'all ready
to talk agriculture?
96
00:04:16,331 --> 00:04:17,814
Yeah!
97
00:04:17,917 --> 00:04:20,262
Did y'all hear that
my little ol' company
98
00:04:20,365 --> 00:04:25,021
took in $18 billion
in revenue last year?
99
00:04:25,124 --> 00:04:28,089
I don't need to tell you
what that is in horse dollars.
100
00:04:28,193 --> 00:04:29,676
[ Laughter ]
101
00:04:29,779 --> 00:04:31,710
Her speech was,
in a word...
102
00:04:31,814 --> 00:04:33,641
Bullshit.
She just kept reiterating
103
00:04:33,745 --> 00:04:34,814
that she's successful
because...
104
00:04:34,917 --> 00:04:36,124
I'm a straight shooter,
105
00:04:36,227 --> 00:04:38,365
and I only do business
with other straight shooters.
106
00:04:38,469 --> 00:04:39,917
Which doesn't even
mean anything.
107
00:04:40,021 --> 00:04:42,538
The most successful people say
nothing but convince
108
00:04:42,641 --> 00:04:44,124
people it means everything.
109
00:04:44,227 --> 00:04:46,434
Shoot straight,
be great.
110
00:04:46,538 --> 00:04:48,779
[ Cheers and applause ]Oh, yeah.
111
00:04:48,883 --> 00:04:50,607
Matt: So these cowboys are
on stage and they're shooting
112
00:04:50,710 --> 00:04:52,710
t-shirts out of a cannon,
and I want one.
113
00:04:52,814 --> 00:04:55,710
Mrs. Cowboy: Nothing like
a big ol' gun, right?
114
00:04:55,814 --> 00:04:57,331
Oh, yeah.
115
00:04:57,434 --> 00:04:59,848
-Oh fuck!
-Fuck!
116
00:04:59,952 --> 00:05:01,503
Yeah!
117
00:05:01,607 --> 00:05:02,917
Matt's a fucking maniac.
118
00:05:03,021 --> 00:05:04,572
After the convention,
it was dinnertime.
119
00:05:04,676 --> 00:05:06,021
Everyone I've ever met
has told me,
120
00:05:06,124 --> 00:05:07,779
"You've got to get
the sushi when you go to L.A."
121
00:05:07,883 --> 00:05:09,641
You're supposed to eat tacos
when you're in L.A.
122
00:05:09,745 --> 00:05:12,193
I go, "Guys, I can't handle
anything spicy
123
00:05:12,296 --> 00:05:13,883
or raw or authentic."
124
00:05:13,986 --> 00:05:18,572
The only place we could all
agree on was Marcus Sombrero's.
125
00:05:18,676 --> 00:05:20,848
And because I spent
the whole day
126
00:05:20,952 --> 00:05:21,883
keeping us under budget,
127
00:05:21,986 --> 00:05:24,365
we had enough per diem
left to splurge.
128
00:05:24,469 --> 00:05:26,710
Accountant: Yes,
one round of margaritas
129
00:05:26,814 --> 00:05:29,469
would have kept you
well within your per diem limit,
130
00:05:29,572 --> 00:05:31,917
so what happened?
131
00:05:32,021 --> 00:05:36,021
To representing Hampton DeVille
at BusinessCon.
132
00:05:36,124 --> 00:05:38,607
Together: To Hampton DeVille.
133
00:05:38,710 --> 00:05:43,262
Y'all say you were
from Hampton DeVille?
134
00:05:43,365 --> 00:05:44,538
It was Mrs. Cowboy.
135
00:05:44,641 --> 00:05:45,917
At Marcus Sombrero's.
136
00:05:46,021 --> 00:05:48,296
I would direct a porn
starring my parents
137
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,745
for 1% of her fortune.
138
00:05:50,848 --> 00:05:52,158
Mrs. Cowboy!
139
00:05:52,262 --> 00:05:56,434
Um, Hampton DeVille would love
to buy you a margarita.
140
00:05:56,538 --> 00:05:58,089
Don't mind if I do.
141
00:05:58,193 --> 00:06:01,917
What we didn't know is that
Mrs. Cowboy loves margaritas.
142
00:06:02,021 --> 00:06:03,572
Mm!
143
00:06:03,676 --> 00:06:06,262
I ain't happy if I ain't
slurpin' a 'rita.
144
00:06:06,365 --> 00:06:07,469
Yeah.
You know that.
145
00:06:07,572 --> 00:06:08,848
Another round, please.
146
00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:11,572
It became apparent
that she was an alcoholic.
147
00:06:11,676 --> 00:06:14,055
Hey, water boy,
I ain't drinkin' alone.
148
00:06:14,158 --> 00:06:15,986
She sucked those 'ritas down
like they were
149
00:06:16,089 --> 00:06:18,365
the last 'ritas on Earth.
150
00:06:18,469 --> 00:06:20,331
Y'all better catch up
to me.
151
00:06:20,434 --> 00:06:21,986
[ Cheering ]Matt: My mom always said,
152
00:06:22,089 --> 00:06:23,262
"Don't drink too much,"
153
00:06:23,365 --> 00:06:25,434
but Mrs. Cowboy's mom
didn't say that.
154
00:06:25,538 --> 00:06:28,021
Now, as representatives
of Hampton DeVille,
155
00:06:28,124 --> 00:06:31,745
we believe that a partnership
would be mutually beneficial.
156
00:06:31,848 --> 00:06:36,227
So, you got her good and drunk
and gave her the pitch.
157
00:06:36,331 --> 00:06:37,883
What did she say?
158
00:06:37,986 --> 00:06:40,365
She said...
159
00:06:40,469 --> 00:06:41,883
No.
160
00:06:41,986 --> 00:06:45,607
John: And then she got
in her truck and drove off.
161
00:06:45,710 --> 00:06:47,434
You let her drive drunk?
162
00:06:47,538 --> 00:06:48,676
Yes, absolutely.
163
00:06:48,779 --> 00:06:50,089
There was no stopping
Mrs. Cowboy.
164
00:06:50,193 --> 00:06:51,952
In the moment, it can be hard
to say something,
165
00:06:52,055 --> 00:06:53,917
but I got to do better.
166
00:06:54,021 --> 00:06:55,676
Kate: We ordered
all those margaritas
167
00:06:55,779 --> 00:06:57,365
because we were trying
to court business
168
00:06:57,469 --> 00:06:58,607
for Hampton DeVille.
169
00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:00,262
That's why we went
over the per diem.
170
00:07:00,365 --> 00:07:01,814
That's all there is
to know.
171
00:07:01,917 --> 00:07:03,745
Well, I'll just corroborate
these details
172
00:07:03,848 --> 00:07:05,469
with Mrs. Cowboy,
and assuming everything
173
00:07:05,572 --> 00:07:07,572
checks out,
this case will be closed.
174
00:07:07,676 --> 00:07:09,124
You're gonna bother
a billionaire
175
00:07:09,227 --> 00:07:12,814
whose business we're trying
to court over a lousy $47?
176
00:07:12,917 --> 00:07:15,262
I am just performing
due diligence.
177
00:07:15,365 --> 00:07:18,641
Oh, right, because someone has
to keep the cookie jar's lid on
178
00:07:18,745 --> 00:07:20,469
because your mother got hit
by a deer or whatever.
179
00:07:20,572 --> 00:07:23,262
So fine, okay, just be my guest,
fine, good.
180
00:07:23,365 --> 00:07:26,779
Go for it.
181
00:07:26,883 --> 00:07:30,572
Yes, hello, I am calling
to corroborate an alleged drinks
182
00:07:30,676 --> 00:07:32,296
meeting between Mrs. Cowboy
183
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:36,986
and four Hampton DeVille
employees during BusinessCon.
184
00:07:37,089 --> 00:07:39,503
Man: I'm sorry, we don't
give out that information.
185
00:07:39,607 --> 00:07:41,779
[ Dial tone]
186
00:07:41,883 --> 00:07:42,952
♪♪
187
00:07:43,055 --> 00:07:44,021
All right.
188
00:07:44,124 --> 00:07:51,745
♪♪
189
00:07:51,848 --> 00:07:59,296
♪♪
190
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:06,917
♪♪
191
00:08:07,021 --> 00:08:09,641
Thank you
for coming back in.
192
00:08:09,745 --> 00:08:12,124
I had a very
interesting conversation
193
00:08:12,227 --> 00:08:13,538
with Mrs. Cowboy.
194
00:08:13,641 --> 00:08:15,434
And now I would like
to give you a chance
195
00:08:15,538 --> 00:08:18,089
to tell me
what really happened.
196
00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:20,986
The truth this time.
197
00:08:21,089 --> 00:08:22,986
I think I'll take
that cookie now.
198
00:08:28,227 --> 00:08:30,676
So let me guess, Mrs. Cowboy
claims she never met us.
199
00:08:30,779 --> 00:08:31,779
[ Laughing ]
Of course.
200
00:08:31,883 --> 00:08:33,365
Okay.
[ Exhales sharply ]
201
00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:35,848
The truth had to come out
sooner or later.
202
00:08:35,952 --> 00:08:36,986
Here goes.
203
00:08:37,089 --> 00:08:38,503
Mrs. Cowboy did decline
204
00:08:38,607 --> 00:08:40,641
our business proposal...
205
00:08:40,745 --> 00:08:42,089
No.
206
00:08:42,193 --> 00:08:46,917
I only talk business in
the privacy of my own property.
207
00:08:47,021 --> 00:08:49,365
Kate: So we all jumped
in the truck
208
00:08:49,469 --> 00:08:51,503
to go talk business
at the ranch.
209
00:08:51,607 --> 00:08:54,434
So she diddrive drunk.
210
00:08:54,538 --> 00:08:55,952
Super drunk.
211
00:08:56,055 --> 00:08:57,331
How was her driving?
212
00:08:57,434 --> 00:08:59,089
Not good.
213
00:08:59,193 --> 00:09:01,848
[ Tires screeching ]
214
00:09:01,952 --> 00:09:08,676
♪♪
215
00:09:08,779 --> 00:09:10,710
Good evening, madam.
216
00:09:10,814 --> 00:09:14,193
Fetch us some 'ritas,
Zack.
217
00:09:14,296 --> 00:09:15,503
Wait, wait, wait.
218
00:09:15,607 --> 00:09:17,710
So there was
an English butler
219
00:09:17,814 --> 00:09:19,710
at her California ranch.
220
00:09:19,814 --> 00:09:21,917
Well, I think she had an idea
of what a butler
221
00:09:22,021 --> 00:09:24,193
was like in her head
and that's who she got.
222
00:09:24,296 --> 00:09:26,848
And his name was Zack?
223
00:09:26,952 --> 00:09:29,055
Hmm.
I guess you're right.
224
00:09:29,158 --> 00:09:31,331
You don't hear of a lot
of butlers named Zack.
225
00:09:31,434 --> 00:09:34,779
So I'm up in my huntin' stand
and I ain't seen hide
226
00:09:34,883 --> 00:09:37,745
nor hair
of anything all morning,
227
00:09:37,848 --> 00:09:40,710
and I was gettin'
a little antsy.
228
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:45,296
So I decided
to rub one out.
229
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:49,089
Twiddle my turkey.
230
00:09:49,193 --> 00:09:51,365
Rustle my rabbit.
231
00:09:51,469 --> 00:09:55,193
Grind my gator.
You asked.
232
00:09:55,296 --> 00:09:56,779
So I'm getting close,
233
00:09:56,883 --> 00:10:00,124
and just
when I'm about to climax,
234
00:10:00,227 --> 00:10:05,607
a 16-point buck walks
straight across my eyeline.
235
00:10:05,710 --> 00:10:07,779
So I'm faced
with a quandary --
236
00:10:07,883 --> 00:10:11,779
shoot the buck
or finish what I started.
237
00:10:11,883 --> 00:10:15,676
So I start [Moans]
blowin' my damn wad,
238
00:10:15,779 --> 00:10:18,365
take aim,
and shoot that buck dead,
239
00:10:18,469 --> 00:10:20,124
right between the eyes.
240
00:10:20,227 --> 00:10:21,572
[ Chuckles ]
241
00:10:21,676 --> 00:10:24,814
Best orgasm in 2007.
242
00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:27,055
Fuck.
243
00:10:29,503 --> 00:10:32,641
You know, business partnership
ain't worth a bucket of spit
244
00:10:32,745 --> 00:10:35,503
if you can't trust
the folks you work with.
245
00:10:35,607 --> 00:10:37,503
In order to gain
that trust,
246
00:10:37,607 --> 00:10:40,952
you got
to build intimacy.
247
00:10:41,055 --> 00:10:43,952
So we're gonna play
a little game.
248
00:10:44,055 --> 00:10:48,607
A little game I like to call
"Kiss the butler."
249
00:10:48,710 --> 00:10:49,952
-Kiss the butler.
-Kiss the butler.
250
00:10:50,055 --> 00:10:54,538
A little game called
"Kiss the butler."
251
00:10:54,641 --> 00:10:57,055
So did you kiss him?
252
00:10:57,158 --> 00:11:00,986
Man:
♪ People see us everywhere
253
00:11:01,089 --> 00:11:04,848
♪ They think you really care
254
00:11:04,952 --> 00:11:08,917
♪ But myself
I can't deceive ♪
255
00:11:09,021 --> 00:11:14,055
♪ I know
if someone make believe ♪
256
00:11:14,158 --> 00:11:18,503
♪♪
257
00:11:18,607 --> 00:11:19,779
John: Matt was really going
for it.
258
00:11:19,883 --> 00:11:21,331
Kate: No one told him
he had to use tongue.
259
00:11:21,434 --> 00:11:25,296
To me, it's not a real kiss
unless it's a France kiss.
260
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:28,400
♪ My one and only prayer
261
00:11:28,503 --> 00:11:30,986
♪ Is that someday you care
262
00:11:31,089 --> 00:11:34,296
♪ My hopes,
my dreams come true ♪
263
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,158
♪ My one and only you
264
00:11:37,262 --> 00:11:38,710
I can't.
265
00:11:38,814 --> 00:11:40,883
I made a vow
to my fucking wife.
266
00:11:40,986 --> 00:11:42,089
Unh-unh.
267
00:11:42,193 --> 00:11:45,055
I want to see that pretty
little mouth go to work.
268
00:11:45,158 --> 00:11:46,262
Go on now.
269
00:11:46,365 --> 00:11:48,331
♪ Someday you'll care for me
270
00:11:48,434 --> 00:11:52,952
♪ But it's only make believe
271
00:11:53,055 --> 00:11:57,400
The point is, we did this all
for Hampton DeVille.
272
00:11:57,503 --> 00:11:58,814
Right.
273
00:12:01,814 --> 00:12:03,710
How dare you kiss anyone
but me?
274
00:12:03,814 --> 00:12:06,193
I hired a butler
not a whore.
275
00:12:08,089 --> 00:12:11,158
All right,
all right, all right.
276
00:12:11,262 --> 00:12:12,607
Let's talk business.
277
00:12:12,710 --> 00:12:16,055
And I only talk business
in my business barn.
278
00:12:17,986 --> 00:12:21,365
The thing about me is,
I'm a straight shooter.
279
00:12:21,469 --> 00:12:24,227
And I only do business
with other straight shooters.
280
00:12:24,331 --> 00:12:28,365
Oh, I assure you,
we all shoot straight here,
281
00:12:28,469 --> 00:12:29,607
don't we?
[ Laughs ]
282
00:12:29,710 --> 00:12:31,365
Well, I'm gonna need you
to prove it.
283
00:12:31,469 --> 00:12:32,469
Not a problem.
284
00:12:32,572 --> 00:12:34,365
Is there a target?
285
00:12:34,469 --> 00:12:36,158
The target...
286
00:12:36,262 --> 00:12:37,952
Is this 'rita glass.
287
00:12:38,055 --> 00:12:42,193
All you gotta do is shoot it
off the tippy-top
288
00:12:42,296 --> 00:12:44,434
of my butler's head.
289
00:12:44,538 --> 00:12:45,952
One shot each.
290
00:12:46,055 --> 00:12:47,193
Giddy up!
291
00:12:47,296 --> 00:12:53,331
♪♪
292
00:12:53,434 --> 00:12:54,365
What are you gonna do?
293
00:12:54,469 --> 00:12:56,469
I missed on purpose.
294
00:12:56,572 --> 00:13:01,331
♪♪
295
00:13:01,434 --> 00:13:02,572
Mrs. Cowboy: Whoo!
296
00:13:02,676 --> 00:13:03,917
I shouldn't be shooting guns
at butlers
297
00:13:04,021 --> 00:13:05,710
just because
my co-workers are.
298
00:13:05,814 --> 00:13:07,262
It's 2019.
299
00:13:07,365 --> 00:13:11,503
♪♪
300
00:13:11,607 --> 00:13:13,021
Goddamn it.
301
00:13:13,124 --> 00:13:14,745
That hurts, huh,
scarecrow?
302
00:13:14,848 --> 00:13:17,055
Unfamiliar gun.
If I had a second shot,
303
00:13:17,158 --> 00:13:20,055
I totally
would have hit it.
304
00:13:20,158 --> 00:13:20,917
[ Groans ]
305
00:13:21,021 --> 00:13:22,676
Oh, looks like
you could use
306
00:13:22,779 --> 00:13:24,089
some help there,
pretty mouth.
307
00:13:24,193 --> 00:13:27,917
-Yeah.
-All you gotta do is cock it.
308
00:13:28,021 --> 00:13:29,365
[ Breathing heavily ]
309
00:13:29,469 --> 00:13:31,262
And squeeze the trigger
310
00:13:31,365 --> 00:13:34,745
like a ripe summer peach.
311
00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:39,400
It's plump and juicy.
312
00:13:39,503 --> 00:13:40,917
Now squeeze it!
313
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:42,331
[ Gunshot, glass shatters ]
314
00:13:43,676 --> 00:13:48,158
[ Cheering ]
315
00:13:48,262 --> 00:13:51,676
Y'all are straight shooters
after all.
316
00:13:51,779 --> 00:13:53,607
Looks like
we're in business.
317
00:13:53,710 --> 00:13:55,469
[ Gunshot ]
318
00:13:58,296 --> 00:13:59,572
Zack!
319
00:13:59,676 --> 00:14:02,400
-You shot him!
-Oh, my God, he's dead!
320
00:14:02,503 --> 00:14:03,400
It had to be done.
321
00:14:03,503 --> 00:14:04,814
He was a whore.
322
00:14:04,917 --> 00:14:06,883
It was all right when he kissed
my house guests,
323
00:14:06,986 --> 00:14:10,365
but my business partners --
unh-unh.
324
00:14:10,469 --> 00:14:12,296
No, ma'am.
325
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:15,503
Now we're gonna play
another little game.
326
00:14:15,607 --> 00:14:18,021
A little game I like to call...
327
00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:20,021
All: "Bury the butler."
328
00:14:21,296 --> 00:14:24,676
Okay. Just to summarize
where we are in the story,
329
00:14:24,779 --> 00:14:28,021
you allowed a billionaire
to drive drunk...
330
00:14:28,124 --> 00:14:29,021
Super drunk.
331
00:14:29,124 --> 00:14:32,607
...and then you
"France" kissed
332
00:14:32,710 --> 00:14:34,193
her English butler...
333
00:14:34,296 --> 00:14:35,158
Zack.
334
00:14:35,262 --> 00:14:37,641
...and then murdered him
in a barn.
335
00:14:37,745 --> 00:14:39,814
No, Mrs. Cowboy
murdered him.
336
00:14:39,917 --> 00:14:43,469
Right.
Which brings us to...
337
00:14:43,572 --> 00:14:45,365
The butler graveyard.
338
00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:46,848
[ Wolf howls ]
339
00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:49,021
Matt: This was not
her first dead butler.
340
00:14:49,124 --> 00:14:52,641
-Yeah, a little up there.
-[ Cries ]
341
00:14:52,745 --> 00:14:54,676
Okay, now up there
to the right.
342
00:14:54,779 --> 00:14:57,227
-[ Cries ]
-Good. Really good job.
343
00:14:57,331 --> 00:14:59,469
♪ My hopes, my dreams
come true ♪
344
00:14:59,572 --> 00:15:00,469
[ Exhales sharply ]
345
00:15:00,572 --> 00:15:03,434
♪ My one and only you
346
00:15:03,538 --> 00:15:06,434
♪ No one will ever know
347
00:15:06,538 --> 00:15:09,848
♪ How much I love you so
348
00:15:09,952 --> 00:15:12,400
I always bury
my butlers nude.
349
00:15:12,503 --> 00:15:15,745
As he first came to me,
so shall he leave.
350
00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:18,745
[ Grunts ]
351
00:15:18,848 --> 00:15:21,917
Not bad for a bunch
of city slickers.
352
00:15:22,021 --> 00:15:24,710
Of course now we've got
a new problem.
353
00:15:24,814 --> 00:15:27,572
You've done buried
my butler.
354
00:15:27,676 --> 00:15:29,124
Looks like
I need a new butler.
355
00:15:29,227 --> 00:15:31,262
Not a problem,
Mrs. Cowboy.
356
00:15:31,365 --> 00:15:34,986
We can start interviewing new
candidates as soon as tomorrow.
357
00:15:35,089 --> 00:15:37,021
Oh, no, no,
no, no, no, no,
358
00:15:37,124 --> 00:15:42,779
I already got my sights set
on a daisy of a candidate.
359
00:15:42,883 --> 00:15:44,814
Put it on, pretty mouth.
360
00:15:44,917 --> 00:15:46,952
Mrs. Cowboy, no.
361
00:15:47,055 --> 00:15:48,848
I said,
"Put it on," butler!
362
00:15:48,952 --> 00:15:51,262
And the next time
you address me,
363
00:15:51,365 --> 00:15:54,021
you'd better have
an English accent.
364
00:15:54,124 --> 00:15:56,745
[ English accent ]
Yes, madam.
365
00:15:56,848 --> 00:15:58,607
Come on now.
366
00:15:58,710 --> 00:15:59,986
Oh, yeah.
367
00:16:00,089 --> 00:16:02,572
From the moment I saw
that pretty little mouth,
368
00:16:02,676 --> 00:16:04,607
I knew
I'd make you my butler.
369
00:16:04,710 --> 00:16:05,745
Really?
370
00:16:05,848 --> 00:16:07,745
Now it's time
for my favorite game.
371
00:16:07,848 --> 00:16:11,021
A little game
I like to call
372
00:16:11,124 --> 00:16:14,365
"Have unprotected sex
with the..."
373
00:16:14,469 --> 00:16:15,607
Run!
374
00:16:15,710 --> 00:16:23,365
♪♪
375
00:16:23,469 --> 00:16:31,158
♪♪
376
00:16:31,262 --> 00:16:33,124
Hey!
377
00:16:33,227 --> 00:16:34,572
Butler!
378
00:16:34,676 --> 00:16:38,089
[ Gunshots ]
379
00:16:38,193 --> 00:16:43,434
♪♪
380
00:16:43,538 --> 00:16:46,641
So of course Mrs. Cowboy
denies our story,
381
00:16:46,745 --> 00:16:48,676
she's trying
to cover up a murder.
382
00:16:48,779 --> 00:16:51,400
I was almost forced
into sexual slavery.
383
00:16:51,503 --> 00:16:53,883
-Did you call the police?
-We couldn't.
384
00:16:53,986 --> 00:16:55,434
Everyone of us had given
that butler a kiss.
385
00:16:55,538 --> 00:16:57,952
The inside of Zack's mouth
was teeming with my DNA.
386
00:16:58,055 --> 00:16:59,193
How do you think
it would look
387
00:16:59,296 --> 00:17:00,883
if four
Hampton DeVille employees
388
00:17:00,986 --> 00:17:03,021
were involved
in an erotic murder?
389
00:17:03,124 --> 00:17:04,917
We did what we had to
for the sake of the company.
390
00:17:05,021 --> 00:17:06,262
And if you really have
391
00:17:06,365 --> 00:17:07,917
Hampton DeVille's
best interest at heart,
392
00:17:08,021 --> 00:17:10,124
you will approve
that expense report
393
00:17:10,227 --> 00:17:14,021
and we will never
speak of this again.
394
00:17:14,124 --> 00:17:17,814
Well, I guess that's all
the questions I have.
395
00:17:17,917 --> 00:17:20,193
Thank you for your time.
396
00:17:21,262 --> 00:17:23,986
Nate, could you
come in here please?
397
00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:26,986
Could you turn that in?
398
00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:29,227
It's approved.Absolutely.
399
00:17:29,331 --> 00:17:30,986
By the way, the itemized bill
from their hotel
400
00:17:31,089 --> 00:17:32,710
just came through,
still want to see it?
401
00:17:32,814 --> 00:17:34,572
Oh, just leave it
on my desk.
402
00:17:34,676 --> 00:17:36,365
Cookie?
403
00:17:36,469 --> 00:17:38,538
No, thanks.
404
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:46,848
♪♪
405
00:17:46,952 --> 00:17:55,434
♪ But it's
only make believe ♪
406
00:17:55,538 --> 00:17:57,607
[ Elevator bell dings ]
407
00:18:00,193 --> 00:18:03,503
Please explain how someone
from one of your hotel rooms
408
00:18:03,607 --> 00:18:06,986
ordered "Akeelah and the Bee"
at 9:45 P.M.
409
00:18:07,089 --> 00:18:09,572
when you were supposedly
at Mrs. Cowboy's,
410
00:18:09,676 --> 00:18:11,503
burying an English butler.
411
00:18:14,848 --> 00:18:16,365
[ Laughs ]
412
00:18:17,676 --> 00:18:21,538
Accountant: There never was
a business proposal, was there?
413
00:18:21,641 --> 00:18:26,089
You never even met
Mrs. Cowboy, did you?
414
00:18:26,193 --> 00:18:28,469
Okay,
you want the truth?
415
00:18:28,572 --> 00:18:33,641
The truth is Matt told us
the margaritas were bottomless!
416
00:18:33,745 --> 00:18:36,331
Matt: I'm gonna fire you tonight
if you don't watch it, buster.
417
00:18:36,434 --> 00:18:37,538
[ Laughs ]
418
00:18:37,641 --> 00:18:38,710
Something's not right.
419
00:18:38,814 --> 00:18:40,538
This bill is way too high.
420
00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:42,607
Are we over
the per diem?
421
00:18:42,710 --> 00:18:44,710
Matt, you idiot!
422
00:18:44,814 --> 00:18:47,055
The margaritas
were not bottomless.
423
00:18:47,158 --> 00:18:49,227
We've been charged
for 16 margaritas.
424
00:18:49,331 --> 00:18:51,158
-Jesus.
-What? Really?
425
00:18:51,262 --> 00:18:55,296
Oh, it was the chips
that were bottomless.
426
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:56,469
Oh, that's
my woopsy daisy.
427
00:18:56,572 --> 00:18:57,814
Oh, my God.
428
00:18:57,917 --> 00:18:58,883
It's okay, we'll pay
for it ourselves.
429
00:18:58,986 --> 00:19:01,227
No!
I have given my heart
430
00:19:01,331 --> 00:19:04,158
and my soul and my 20s
and my 30s to Hampton DeVille,
431
00:19:04,262 --> 00:19:07,193
and I have never once gone
over my per diem.
432
00:19:07,296 --> 00:19:11,021
We are expensing this.
433
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:17,986
Sometimes it takes 16 margaritas
for 4 co-workers
434
00:19:18,089 --> 00:19:19,917
to have a good time.
435
00:19:20,021 --> 00:19:21,296
But you know what,
436
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:26,503
if this is soimportant
to you,
437
00:19:26,607 --> 00:19:27,503
take it!
438
00:19:27,607 --> 00:19:28,641
Are you happy now,
439
00:19:28,745 --> 00:19:30,055
you miserable narc?
440
00:19:30,158 --> 00:19:31,917
Jake: Where do you even get
a $50 bill anymore?
441
00:19:32,021 --> 00:19:33,814
Did you go inside a bank?
442
00:19:33,917 --> 00:19:37,986
You know, executives aren't the
only ones who like to have fun.
443
00:19:38,089 --> 00:19:39,331
I like to drink margaritas
444
00:19:39,434 --> 00:19:41,676
and order
dumb kids movies on demand.
445
00:19:41,779 --> 00:19:42,986
Hey,
"Akeelah and the Bee"
446
00:19:43,089 --> 00:19:44,538
is a sophisticated film
for all ages.
447
00:19:44,641 --> 00:19:45,917
Matt.
448
00:19:46,021 --> 00:19:47,779
You know, I wanted
to go to AccountingCon.
449
00:19:47,883 --> 00:19:51,124
I did. But they said, "No,
we don't have the money."
450
00:19:51,227 --> 00:19:52,848
And I said, "You're lying.
451
00:19:52,952 --> 00:19:54,055
You do have the money."
452
00:19:54,158 --> 00:19:56,365
I should know,
I'm the accountant.
453
00:19:56,469 --> 00:19:58,607
I even offered
to put myself up.
454
00:19:58,710 --> 00:20:00,089
Can you believe that?
455
00:20:00,193 --> 00:20:04,676
I baked those fuckers
Christmas cookies.
456
00:20:04,779 --> 00:20:06,469
I'm sorry.
457
00:20:06,572 --> 00:20:07,986
I'm sorry.
458
00:20:08,089 --> 00:20:10,676
It's becoming clear to me
that I'm not mad at you,
459
00:20:10,779 --> 00:20:12,745
I'm mad
at Hampton DeVille.
460
00:20:12,848 --> 00:20:14,503
So, whatever.
461
00:20:14,607 --> 00:20:19,986
I'll just push this through
and we can all go home.
462
00:20:22,538 --> 00:20:25,193
Wait.
463
00:20:25,296 --> 00:20:29,158
Why don't we all go
to Marcus Sombrero's?
464
00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:30,952
-Really?
-I'll buy you a margarita.
465
00:20:31,055 --> 00:20:32,124
You know,
they're bottomless.
466
00:20:32,227 --> 00:20:34,917
Oh!
It's the chips.
467
00:20:35,021 --> 00:20:37,745
I really didn't have any plans
for tonight.
468
00:20:37,848 --> 00:20:40,055
Ooh, tonight? Um...[ Groans ]
469
00:20:40,158 --> 00:20:42,848
Sorry, school night.
470
00:20:42,952 --> 00:20:43,952
This weekend.
471
00:20:44,055 --> 00:20:45,021
My cat needs me at home
anytime
472
00:20:45,124 --> 00:20:46,607
I'm not physically
at work.
473
00:20:46,710 --> 00:20:49,676
Yeah.
And for me, it's...
474
00:20:49,779 --> 00:20:52,124
Ping me.
475
00:20:52,227 --> 00:20:55,503
I'm gonna hang on to this
for later.
476
00:20:55,607 --> 00:20:57,710
♪♪
477
00:20:57,814 --> 00:21:00,365
Matt: You know, if there's
one thing that we learned
478
00:21:00,469 --> 00:21:02,124
from Mrs. Cowboy,
it's that...
479
00:21:02,227 --> 00:21:03,331
Jake: Matt, we never spoke
to Mrs. Cowboy.
480
00:21:03,434 --> 00:21:06,227
Oh!
That's right, it's the chips.
481
00:21:10,572 --> 00:21:20,227
♪♪
482
00:21:20,331 --> 00:21:21,503
Beyoncé!
483
00:21:21,607 --> 00:21:22,986
Matt: Whoo!
484
00:21:23,089 --> 00:21:24,503
Jesus. Fuck.
34195
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