Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:08,469 --> 00:00:10,124
[ Sighs ]
2
00:00:10,227 --> 00:00:13,814
Hey, Jake, how come we never
talk about girls?
3
00:00:13,917 --> 00:00:15,986
What do you mean
"girls"?
4
00:00:16,089 --> 00:00:17,538
You know, guy stuff.
5
00:00:17,641 --> 00:00:19,365
Like which girls
in the office we think
6
00:00:19,469 --> 00:00:21,124
are hot
and have crushes on.
7
00:00:21,227 --> 00:00:22,365
We're not
that type of guy.
8
00:00:22,469 --> 00:00:23,710
That's the worst
type of guy.
9
00:00:23,814 --> 00:00:25,814
Well, Jake,
it just so happens
10
00:00:25,917 --> 00:00:28,883
that I have
a huge office crush.
11
00:00:28,986 --> 00:00:30,503
It's a big boy.
12
00:00:30,607 --> 00:00:32,331
But if you don't care,
13
00:00:32,434 --> 00:00:34,607
I guess you don't get
to find out who it is.
14
00:00:34,710 --> 00:00:37,400
Let me guess,
it's her.
15
00:00:37,503 --> 00:00:39,814
[ Gasps ] How'd you know?
Did she ask about me?
16
00:00:39,917 --> 00:00:41,400
It's just
a proximity crush.
17
00:00:41,503 --> 00:00:43,262
The only reason you like her
is because she's the woman
18
00:00:43,365 --> 00:00:44,538
you see
the most every day.
19
00:00:44,641 --> 00:00:46,262
Jake, this isn't a joke.
20
00:00:46,365 --> 00:00:48,089
I might be
in love with her.
21
00:00:48,193 --> 00:00:49,710
Oh, yeah?
What specifically
22
00:00:49,814 --> 00:00:51,296
do you love
about her, Matt?
23
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:55,296
I mean, just look at
how nice her face looks.
24
00:00:55,400 --> 00:01:00,021
And I like the way she places
her belongings into boxes.
25
00:01:00,124 --> 00:01:01,434
It's cute.
26
00:01:01,538 --> 00:01:03,503
You know it's her
last day, right?
27
00:01:03,607 --> 00:01:04,883
What?!
28
00:01:05,883 --> 00:01:07,503
Hey.
29
00:01:07,607 --> 00:01:08,710
Hey.
30
00:01:08,814 --> 00:01:11,779
Before you go, there's
something I need to say.
31
00:01:14,193 --> 00:01:15,124
Lauren...
32
00:01:15,227 --> 00:01:16,400
It's Laura.
33
00:01:16,503 --> 00:01:17,572
Uh, what?
34
00:01:17,676 --> 00:01:19,745
My name is Laura.
35
00:01:20,952 --> 00:01:22,779
Oh, yeah, no.
36
00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:24,055
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
37
00:01:24,158 --> 00:01:33,607
♪♪
38
00:01:33,710 --> 00:01:42,710
♪♪
39
00:01:42,814 --> 00:01:45,365
Christian: We've been
negotiating for months.
40
00:01:45,469 --> 00:01:47,814
I thought we'd reached
an agreement.
41
00:01:47,917 --> 00:01:49,469
What's changed?
42
00:01:49,572 --> 00:01:53,089
A few weeks ago,
my 57th grandchild,
43
00:01:53,193 --> 00:01:54,400
Stephanie, was born.
44
00:01:54,503 --> 00:01:56,745
And last night,
I looked into her
45
00:01:56,848 --> 00:02:01,814
baby-blue eyes,
and it became clear to me.
46
00:02:01,917 --> 00:02:06,607
I couldn't sell BNN
to Hampton DeVille.
47
00:02:08,055 --> 00:02:09,296
[ Papers thud ]
48
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,641
You are
a profit-driven Goliath.
49
00:02:12,745 --> 00:02:16,296
I can't allow
my 57 grandchildren
50
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:19,158
to grow up in a world
where information
51
00:02:19,262 --> 00:02:25,089
is dominated by
corporations like yours.
52
00:02:25,193 --> 00:02:28,779
"The pen is mightier
than the sword."
53
00:02:28,883 --> 00:02:29,848
Do you know who said that?
54
00:02:29,952 --> 00:02:31,331
Edward Bulwer-Lytton.
55
00:02:31,434 --> 00:02:34,400
And you know
how he died, right?
56
00:02:34,503 --> 00:02:38,400
Somebody cut his head off
with a sword.
57
00:02:38,503 --> 00:02:40,262
I do not believe
that's true.
58
00:02:40,365 --> 00:02:42,365
See, now, that's
what's nice about owning
59
00:02:42,469 --> 00:02:44,124
your own news organization.
60
00:02:44,227 --> 00:02:47,158
You get to decide
what's true.
61
00:02:48,365 --> 00:02:51,158
Christian, please,
put that back.
62
00:02:51,262 --> 00:02:53,814
Do you know who holds
the advantage
63
00:02:53,917 --> 00:02:55,262
in a negotiation, Terry?
64
00:02:55,365 --> 00:02:58,365
It's the person
with the least to lose.
65
00:02:58,469 --> 00:03:02,779
Now, you have a loving family,
while I, on the other hand,
66
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:07,021
have no family,
no wife to come home to,
67
00:03:07,124 --> 00:03:09,400
no kids' soccer games
to cheer for.
68
00:03:09,503 --> 00:03:11,158
Rah-rah!
Oh.
69
00:03:11,262 --> 00:03:15,572
I'm all alone, Terry,
and I have nothing to lose
70
00:03:15,676 --> 00:03:20,055
except this
business deal.
71
00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:21,917
[ Chuckles nervously ]
72
00:03:22,021 --> 00:03:25,089
♪♪
73
00:03:25,193 --> 00:03:26,745
Great news.
74
00:03:26,848 --> 00:03:30,641
I've just negotiated a deal
for Hampton DeVille to acq--
75
00:03:33,607 --> 00:03:34,814
John...
76
00:03:34,917 --> 00:03:38,227
do you have some pressing
business to discuss?
77
00:03:38,331 --> 00:03:40,365
Yes, I do.
78
00:03:41,503 --> 00:03:43,262
Firstly, I want
to let everyone know that
79
00:03:43,365 --> 00:03:45,193
I did not
burn my hand.
80
00:03:45,296 --> 00:03:47,365
Thanks for asking Carl,
Lucy, and Sander.
81
00:03:47,469 --> 00:03:50,607
The reason I am wearing
this glove is...
82
00:03:50,710 --> 00:03:54,227
over the three-day
weekend...
83
00:03:54,331 --> 00:03:55,262
I got married.
84
00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:57,055
[ Laughs ]
85
00:03:57,158 --> 00:03:58,158
Yeah!
86
00:03:58,262 --> 00:04:00,158
[ Cheering, applause, hooting ]
87
00:04:00,262 --> 00:04:02,400
Oh!
I-I found love!
88
00:04:02,503 --> 00:04:04,365
I am officially
off the market!
89
00:04:04,469 --> 00:04:06,227
[ Laughs ]What does she do?
90
00:04:06,331 --> 00:04:08,124
A park ranger,
and a damn good one.
91
00:04:08,227 --> 00:04:09,641
Attaboy!
92
00:04:09,745 --> 00:04:12,607
But this is brushed gold,
Kate, sir.
93
00:04:12,710 --> 00:04:15,089
Some poor woman looked
at John and said,
94
00:04:15,193 --> 00:04:16,503
"That's
my guy forever."
95
00:04:16,607 --> 00:04:17,883
[ Scoffs ]This proves that love
96
00:04:17,986 --> 00:04:19,814
is not special and literally
anyone can find someone.
97
00:04:19,917 --> 00:04:23,089
I found my park ranger, and then
I just let her slip away.
98
00:04:23,193 --> 00:04:24,503
You didn't even
know her name.
99
00:04:24,607 --> 00:04:26,641
You don't have to know
someone's name to be in love.
100
00:04:26,745 --> 00:04:28,469
You can call a rose whatever
the fuck you want.
101
00:04:28,572 --> 00:04:30,538
That's what I learned
from "Romeo and Julia."
102
00:04:30,641 --> 00:04:34,538
I've got one more
surprise for everyone.
103
00:04:34,641 --> 00:04:39,296
My wife baked a batch
of her famous
104
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:43,641
ooey-gooey butterballs
for the office.
105
00:04:43,745 --> 00:04:44,952
[ All murmuring ]Take one and just
106
00:04:45,055 --> 00:04:46,434
kind of pass it around.
107
00:04:46,538 --> 00:04:48,089
You are gonna get messy because
these are no joke.
108
00:04:48,193 --> 00:04:49,814
Christian: John.
109
00:04:49,917 --> 00:04:51,641
Enough.
110
00:04:51,745 --> 00:04:54,124
Your wife's
ooey-gooey butterballs
111
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:55,710
can wait until
after the meeting.
112
00:04:55,814 --> 00:04:58,227
I'm so sorry, Christian.
So sorry.
113
00:04:58,331 --> 00:05:00,089
But don't worry,
everyone,
114
00:05:00,193 --> 00:05:02,124
they're even gooey-er
when you wait.
115
00:05:02,227 --> 00:05:04,503
And back to Christian.
116
00:05:06,296 --> 00:05:10,296
Now, what I was about
to say was
117
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:14,503
I bought BNN.
118
00:05:19,676 --> 00:05:23,503
It was a $10 billion deal.
119
00:05:23,607 --> 00:05:24,814
The media said it was
impossible.
120
00:05:24,917 --> 00:05:26,952
Congress said
it was "illegal."
121
00:05:27,055 --> 00:05:31,055
But through sheer force of will,
I made it happen.
122
00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:41,503
Okay, then.
123
00:05:44,676 --> 00:05:47,710
John, go ahead and, uh,
124
00:05:47,814 --> 00:05:49,883
pass out your wife's
little treats.
125
00:05:49,986 --> 00:05:51,227
Yes, sir. [ Laughs ]
126
00:05:51,331 --> 00:05:52,745
All right, everyone,
come and get it.
127
00:05:52,848 --> 00:05:54,986
Now, warning, these are
extremely gooey.
128
00:05:55,089 --> 00:05:57,779
One of these is vegan.
I couldn't tell you which one.
129
00:05:57,883 --> 00:06:00,124
John, this is crazy.
130
00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:01,262
I'm so happy for you.
131
00:06:01,365 --> 00:06:02,779
Hey, whoa! Kate...
132
00:06:02,883 --> 00:06:04,572
Married man, here.
[ Chuckles ]
133
00:06:04,676 --> 00:06:06,779
You can look,
but you can't touch.
134
00:06:06,883 --> 00:06:09,503
[ Laughter ]
135
00:06:09,607 --> 00:06:11,089
They're the rules now.
136
00:06:11,193 --> 00:06:14,124
The rules of marriage.
137
00:06:14,227 --> 00:06:15,262
[ Butterball squishes ]
138
00:06:15,365 --> 00:06:19,538
[ Classical music plays ]
139
00:06:19,641 --> 00:06:22,400
Life has just lost
a little bit of its luster
140
00:06:22,503 --> 00:06:24,193
ever since...
141
00:06:24,296 --> 00:06:27,055
Laura left me to be
with her kids.
142
00:06:27,158 --> 00:06:29,055
Matt, relax.
You're just gonna get a crush
143
00:06:29,158 --> 00:06:31,883
on whoever sits there next
and forget Laura ever existed.
144
00:06:31,986 --> 00:06:33,986
Her? No way.
145
00:06:34,089 --> 00:06:36,400
I'll bet you 100 bucks
I don't get a crush on her.
146
00:06:36,503 --> 00:06:37,745
Let's shake on it.
147
00:06:37,848 --> 00:06:40,262
No. Only shitty guys
make bets about women.
148
00:06:40,365 --> 00:06:41,710
Leave me alone.
149
00:06:41,814 --> 00:06:43,296
Okay.
150
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,745
Guess I'll just go make up
an excuse to --
151
00:06:46,848 --> 00:06:47,572
Hey, stop it.
152
00:06:47,676 --> 00:06:48,745
-[ Grunts ]
-Get off.
153
00:06:48,848 --> 00:06:50,434
I'll sue you.
I'll eat your kids.
154
00:06:50,538 --> 00:06:51,814
Shake my hand.
155
00:06:51,917 --> 00:06:52,710
[ Grunting ]
156
00:06:52,814 --> 00:06:54,917
The bet is on!Hey, guys.
157
00:06:55,021 --> 00:06:56,883
I'm Jessica.
I just started working here.
158
00:06:56,986 --> 00:06:59,124
Hi, Jessica. I'm Jake.
This is Matt.
159
00:06:59,227 --> 00:07:00,434
Welcome to hell.
160
00:07:00,538 --> 00:07:03,055
Oh, I drink that
exact same cold brew.
161
00:07:03,158 --> 00:07:04,296
Don't you love it?
162
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,021
I do.
163
00:07:07,572 --> 00:07:09,848
Cool. Me too.
164
00:07:09,952 --> 00:07:10,883
I'm addicted.
165
00:07:10,986 --> 00:07:12,469
Sounds like you two have
a lot in common.
166
00:07:12,572 --> 00:07:13,986
I mean, I-I w-- I wouldn't
say I'm addicted.
167
00:07:14,089 --> 00:07:16,434
Yeah, I-I have tons
of self-control, so...
168
00:07:16,538 --> 00:07:18,021
Anyway, I just
wanted to say hi.
169
00:07:18,124 --> 00:07:19,779
Thought it would be weird
if we were staring at each other
170
00:07:19,883 --> 00:07:21,779
all day and didn't even
know each other's names.
171
00:07:21,883 --> 00:07:25,262
Yeah.
That'd be fucked up.
172
00:07:25,365 --> 00:07:27,952
Okay.
See you around.
173
00:07:28,055 --> 00:07:31,365
What do you think you two are
gonna name your kids?
174
00:07:31,469 --> 00:07:32,917
Just curious.
175
00:07:34,917 --> 00:07:36,193
[ Laughter ]
176
00:07:36,296 --> 00:07:38,779
Gary: Don't even get me started
on my fucking wife.
177
00:07:38,883 --> 00:07:39,814
Here we go!
178
00:07:39,917 --> 00:07:41,538
So, the other day,
she comes back
179
00:07:41,641 --> 00:07:43,641
from the store,
and get this,
180
00:07:43,745 --> 00:07:46,262
she didn't get
the cage-free eggs.
181
00:07:46,365 --> 00:07:48,641
So here I am,
hand up my ass,
182
00:07:48,745 --> 00:07:50,676
forced to eat eggs
from a chicken
183
00:07:50,779 --> 00:07:52,572
who had to
suffer in cages.
184
00:07:52,676 --> 00:07:54,331
Ohh![ Laughter ]
185
00:07:54,434 --> 00:07:55,469
Are you fucking nuts?!
186
00:07:55,572 --> 00:07:57,296
She sounds fucking nuts!
187
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:58,779
[ Laughter ]
188
00:07:58,883 --> 00:08:01,986
My fucking wife won't
go down on me anymore.
189
00:08:02,089 --> 00:08:03,227
-Oh!
-Oh!
190
00:08:03,331 --> 00:08:04,607
Uh-oh, no good.
191
00:08:04,710 --> 00:08:07,745
Yeah, I hate to interrupt,
but, John,
192
00:08:07,848 --> 00:08:10,021
you missed our conference call
on the BNN deal.
193
00:08:10,124 --> 00:08:11,917
Oh, sorry, Kate.
194
00:08:12,021 --> 00:08:14,055
The guys brought me these Cubans
imported from Canada,
195
00:08:14,158 --> 00:08:16,917
and I, uh, we started
busting each other's chops.
196
00:08:17,021 --> 00:08:19,952
I had to lie to the FCC
all by myself.
197
00:08:20,055 --> 00:08:24,021
Geez, Kate, you're starting
to sound like my fucking wife.
198
00:08:24,124 --> 00:08:26,227
Ohh![ Laughter ]
199
00:08:26,331 --> 00:08:28,917
John, let's do a working lunch,
and I'll catch you up.
200
00:08:29,021 --> 00:08:32,710
Oh, actually, I was gonna
eat with the guys.
201
00:08:32,814 --> 00:08:35,331
Our wives
all packed us lunch.
202
00:08:35,434 --> 00:08:37,503
[ Paper bags rustling ]
203
00:08:37,607 --> 00:08:40,089
Matt: So, Jake and I have
a little bet going about
204
00:08:40,193 --> 00:08:41,848
whether or not I'll get
a crush on this girl.
205
00:08:41,952 --> 00:08:44,400
-We didn't make a bet.
-Yes, we did.
206
00:08:44,503 --> 00:08:45,710
Who is she?
207
00:08:45,814 --> 00:08:47,503
She sits right outside
of our office.
208
00:08:47,607 --> 00:08:49,745
Oh, so it's
a proximity crush.
209
00:08:49,848 --> 00:08:53,710
I have one of those.
His name is Jerry Sluntz.
210
00:08:53,814 --> 00:08:56,021
He sits right outside
my office,
211
00:08:56,124 --> 00:08:57,745
and he's disgusting.
212
00:08:57,848 --> 00:09:00,779
At first,
he's hard to look at.
213
00:09:00,883 --> 00:09:04,710
But eventually,
you can't look away.
214
00:09:04,814 --> 00:09:07,055
Well, I don't have
a proximity crush because
215
00:09:07,158 --> 00:09:10,676
I already found the one,
and her name is...Laura.
216
00:09:10,779 --> 00:09:11,883
Matt, enough.
217
00:09:11,986 --> 00:09:13,986
There are 7 billion people
on Earth.
218
00:09:14,089 --> 00:09:15,814
Even if "the one" exists,
you'll never meet her.
219
00:09:15,917 --> 00:09:17,986
The best you can do
is arbitrarily choose
220
00:09:18,089 --> 00:09:19,710
a partner you share
a few interests with
221
00:09:19,814 --> 00:09:21,296
and hope their dormant
personality flaws
222
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:22,331
can be medicated.
223
00:09:22,434 --> 00:09:23,676
That's the thing.
224
00:09:23,779 --> 00:09:25,434
Jessica and I barely
have anything in common.
225
00:09:25,538 --> 00:09:27,434
-Hi, guys.
-Hey, Jessica.
226
00:09:27,538 --> 00:09:30,538
Ooh. Looks like you two
are sub buddies.
227
00:09:30,641 --> 00:09:32,676
Wow, you like copying
everything I do, Matt.
228
00:09:32,779 --> 00:09:34,641
Actually,
I go by Jessica now.
229
00:09:34,745 --> 00:09:36,365
I stole
your whole identity.
230
00:09:36,469 --> 00:09:37,745
Oh, well,
I'm calling the police.
231
00:09:37,848 --> 00:09:39,883
Oh, yeah, well,
my father, Mr. Jessica,
232
00:09:39,986 --> 00:09:42,400
owns the police,
so good luck.
233
00:09:42,503 --> 00:09:45,676
How's the sub,
Jessica?
234
00:09:45,779 --> 00:09:48,296
It's incredible.
235
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:50,055
I mean, it's fine.
236
00:09:50,158 --> 00:09:51,400
You know, whatever.
237
00:09:51,503 --> 00:09:53,607
Sounds amazing.
238
00:09:55,021 --> 00:09:59,848
You all have made BNN
the third-rated
239
00:09:59,952 --> 00:10:04,676
cable news network,
and that is a disgrace.
240
00:10:04,779 --> 00:10:09,538
So, here's how we're going to
take BNN to number one.
241
00:10:09,641 --> 00:10:13,641
Well, let me
take a guess.
242
00:10:13,745 --> 00:10:16,089
Make the news
a product like everything else
243
00:10:16,193 --> 00:10:17,503
Hampton DeVille sells.
244
00:10:17,607 --> 00:10:22,503
Well, the news is not
a tube of toothpaste!
245
00:10:22,607 --> 00:10:25,434
Journalism is built
on integrity!
246
00:10:25,538 --> 00:10:27,848
It's a public service,
for God's sake!
247
00:10:27,952 --> 00:10:31,986
And that is my name
on that Koppel Award!
248
00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:34,021
Cronker Wilson.
249
00:10:34,124 --> 00:10:37,434
And I will not stand here
and allow you people --
250
00:10:37,538 --> 00:10:39,710
Shut the fuck up,
Cronker!
251
00:10:39,814 --> 00:10:40,952
You're not
a journalist!
252
00:10:41,055 --> 00:10:42,503
You were on
"Dancing with the Stars,"
253
00:10:42,607 --> 00:10:43,848
for Christ's sake.
254
00:10:43,952 --> 00:10:45,158
And the only thing
that you've investigated
255
00:10:45,262 --> 00:10:47,952
in the last 10 years
is which one of the interns
256
00:10:48,055 --> 00:10:49,917
is gonna give you
a hand job.
257
00:10:50,021 --> 00:10:53,848
[ Indistinct whispering ]Sit...down.
258
00:10:55,641 --> 00:10:57,710
[ Sighs ]
259
00:10:57,814 --> 00:11:03,124
Actually, Cronker,
stand back up.
260
00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:05,434
[ Music builds ]
261
00:11:05,538 --> 00:11:10,641
Cronker, you are
a legendary figure
262
00:11:10,745 --> 00:11:12,227
in news journalism,
263
00:11:12,331 --> 00:11:16,986
and I would be honored
to keep you here at BNN.
264
00:11:17,089 --> 00:11:19,572
As a janitor.
265
00:11:19,676 --> 00:11:22,331
[ Trophy slams, music stops ]
266
00:11:22,434 --> 00:11:24,917
Now take out the trash.
267
00:11:26,538 --> 00:11:28,745
Karen is right.
268
00:11:28,848 --> 00:11:31,572
Journalism has been dead
for 20 years.
269
00:11:31,676 --> 00:11:34,124
The news is
a tube of toothpaste,
270
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:37,814
and you are all
my toothpaste salesmen.
271
00:11:37,917 --> 00:11:39,296
So I don't care how you do it.
272
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,089
You can add nicotine to
toothpaste for all I care.
273
00:11:41,193 --> 00:11:47,917
Just get out there and sell more
fucking toothpaste.
274
00:11:51,917 --> 00:11:54,124
It's refreshing to finally
have someone in charge
275
00:11:54,227 --> 00:11:57,021
who understands we're in
the 21st century.
276
00:11:57,124 --> 00:11:59,400
And it's nice to meet
a journalist who understands
277
00:11:59,503 --> 00:12:01,538
that news
is a business.
278
00:12:01,641 --> 00:12:03,779
Wow. Well, I give you
a compliment,
279
00:12:03,883 --> 00:12:07,262
and then you insult me
by calling me a journalist.
280
00:12:07,365 --> 00:12:09,883
You know, I don't believe
we've ever met in person,
281
00:12:09,986 --> 00:12:12,021
though, I do recall you
trying to crucify me
282
00:12:12,124 --> 00:12:13,745
live via satellite.[ Chuckles ]
283
00:12:13,848 --> 00:12:15,124
Well,
I would apologize,
284
00:12:15,227 --> 00:12:18,124
but that segment
got huge ratings.
285
00:12:18,227 --> 00:12:19,296
Do you forgive me?
286
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,262
I do.
287
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,745
Cool.
288
00:12:24,848 --> 00:12:27,262
Well, anyway, I just wanted
to introduce myself.
289
00:12:27,365 --> 00:12:29,089
I figured it'd be weird
if we were working together
290
00:12:29,193 --> 00:12:30,745
but we never
met face to face.
291
00:12:30,848 --> 00:12:33,469
Uh, yeah. [ Chuckles ]
That'd be, um, fucked up.
292
00:12:33,572 --> 00:12:34,572
[ Both chuckle ]
293
00:12:34,676 --> 00:12:36,227
Great.
294
00:12:36,331 --> 00:12:38,158
See you around.
295
00:12:41,503 --> 00:12:48,296
♪♪
296
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,952
I just broke out like crazy,
'cause I'm allergic...
297
00:12:51,055 --> 00:12:53,193
Matt: You don't have
a crush on Jessica.
298
00:12:53,296 --> 00:12:54,710
You love Laura.
299
00:12:54,814 --> 00:12:56,434
Or wait, is it Lauren?
No. Shit.
300
00:12:56,538 --> 00:12:57,434
♪ Jessica
301
00:12:57,538 --> 00:12:58,400
♪ I love you
302
00:12:58,503 --> 00:12:59,331
♪ I love you
303
00:12:59,434 --> 00:13:01,434
♪ I love you
304
00:13:01,538 --> 00:13:02,400
♪ I love you
305
00:13:02,503 --> 00:13:03,434
♪ I love you
306
00:13:03,538 --> 00:13:04,814
♪ I love you
307
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:06,745
♪ I...love you
308
00:13:06,848 --> 00:13:08,365
Karen James:
The only people who survived
309
00:13:08,469 --> 00:13:10,158
the plane crash were neo-Nazis.
310
00:13:10,262 --> 00:13:12,158
However,
the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
311
00:13:12,262 --> 00:13:13,400
was not so lucky.
312
00:13:13,503 --> 00:13:15,021
Kate: I don't mean
to be paranoid, but I think
313
00:13:15,124 --> 00:13:16,883
someone logged on
to my computer and changed
314
00:13:16,986 --> 00:13:19,400
the screen saver because
I have never been to Canada,
315
00:13:19,503 --> 00:13:22,572
and this was like a picture
of maple and mountains.
316
00:13:22,676 --> 00:13:23,814
Oh.
Quit daydreaming
317
00:13:23,917 --> 00:13:25,676
about your
fucking wife!
318
00:13:25,779 --> 00:13:27,572
[ Laughter ]
319
00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:29,227
Matt: Laura.
Lauren.
320
00:13:29,331 --> 00:13:30,710
Jessica, Jessica,
Jessica, Jessica
321
00:13:30,814 --> 00:13:33,089
♪ I love you Jessica.
322
00:13:33,193 --> 00:13:35,124
♪ I love you You don't love Jessica!
323
00:13:35,227 --> 00:13:36,227
Jake is wrong!
324
00:13:36,331 --> 00:13:37,848
[ Whispering ]
Soul mates are real.
325
00:13:37,952 --> 00:13:39,158
She's not the one for you...
326
00:13:39,262 --> 00:13:40,848
and you know that.
327
00:13:40,952 --> 00:13:42,848
Jessica, Jessica, Jessica,
Jessica, Jessica, Jennifer.
328
00:13:42,952 --> 00:13:45,124
No, not Jennifer. Jessica.
No, Laura.
329
00:13:45,227 --> 00:13:47,676
Listen, everyone just
shut up and let me think.
330
00:13:47,779 --> 00:13:50,400
Okay, Jake,
you win the big bet.
331
00:13:50,503 --> 00:13:52,986
I have a crush
on Jessica.
332
00:13:53,089 --> 00:13:55,952
I guess I never
really did love Laura.
333
00:13:57,124 --> 00:14:00,124
I don't know.
I think she was the one.
334
00:14:01,021 --> 00:14:02,296
I don't care if he's in jail,
335
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,745
he's still Hampton DeVille's
top lawyer.
336
00:14:03,848 --> 00:14:05,089
John, you wanted to see me.
337
00:14:05,193 --> 00:14:07,262
Yes. Kate, I've spent
the whole morning
338
00:14:07,365 --> 00:14:10,572
putting together something
you're going to want to see.
339
00:14:10,676 --> 00:14:13,124
[ Sighs ]
340
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:16,434
These are my wife's
seven brothers.
341
00:14:16,538 --> 00:14:19,158
Randall, Robert, Roger,
Ronald, Richard, Ryan, and Ray.
342
00:14:19,262 --> 00:14:22,779
Technically, they're a litter,
and they're all single,
343
00:14:22,883 --> 00:14:23,952
if you can believe it.
344
00:14:24,055 --> 00:14:26,331
Now, Randall is
a little off,
345
00:14:26,434 --> 00:14:28,917
but once you get to know him,
it's actually really funny.
346
00:14:29,021 --> 00:14:31,158
Like a deer that
thinks it's a cat.
347
00:14:31,262 --> 00:14:33,952
[ Sighs ] John,
why have you done this?
348
00:14:34,055 --> 00:14:37,434
Kate, my wife knows
all about our sexual history.
349
00:14:37,538 --> 00:14:42,193
I told her every lurid detail,
and she got mad.
350
00:14:42,296 --> 00:14:46,641
We had efficient sex
one time at a corporate retreat.
351
00:14:46,745 --> 00:14:49,538
It's no big deal.
Also, why is Gary here?
352
00:14:49,641 --> 00:14:51,710
I asked him
to be our chaperone.
353
00:14:51,814 --> 00:14:53,883
I could not tell
my fucking wife that I was
354
00:14:53,986 --> 00:14:56,055
at a meal alone
with another woman.
355
00:14:56,158 --> 00:14:58,089
-[ Scoffs ]
-This is not a meal.
356
00:14:58,193 --> 00:14:59,124
I'm eating.
357
00:14:59,227 --> 00:15:00,848
Look, I didn't want
to get into this
358
00:15:00,952 --> 00:15:03,883
in front of Gary, but...
359
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:05,331
I'm a little worried
that you still have
360
00:15:05,434 --> 00:15:06,641
feelings for me.
361
00:15:06,745 --> 00:15:08,124
And I just think
it would put everyone's
362
00:15:08,227 --> 00:15:11,089
mind at ease if you were
in a committed relationship.
363
00:15:11,193 --> 00:15:13,917
Now, my suggestion is Ryan
'cause he's a great kisser.
364
00:15:14,021 --> 00:15:15,193
Gary prefers Robert.
365
00:15:15,296 --> 00:15:17,883
But whatever you do,
don't pick Randall.
366
00:15:17,986 --> 00:15:19,676
I just don't think
you're his type.
367
00:15:19,779 --> 00:15:22,745
John, how do
I put this harshly?
368
00:15:22,848 --> 00:15:26,572
The moment your penis
left my body,
369
00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:28,710
it was as if
it had never been there.
370
00:15:28,814 --> 00:15:31,331
[ Laughing ] Ouch!
371
00:15:31,434 --> 00:15:34,365
So why don't we
table this discussion forever
372
00:15:34,469 --> 00:15:35,883
and get back to work.
373
00:15:35,986 --> 00:15:37,745
[ Intercom beeps ]Woman: John, your fucking wife
374
00:15:37,848 --> 00:15:39,055
is on line 1.
375
00:15:39,158 --> 00:15:41,365
It's probably
an emergency.
376
00:15:41,469 --> 00:15:42,917
Hey, honey-boo-boo-bear.
377
00:15:43,021 --> 00:15:44,538
Oh, honey-bear?
378
00:15:44,641 --> 00:15:45,952
W-- Hello? Boo-boo?
379
00:15:46,055 --> 00:15:47,400
-[ Scoffs ]
-Oh, you got some bad reception
380
00:15:47,503 --> 00:15:48,641
there, honey-bear.
381
00:15:48,745 --> 00:15:49,952
[ Baby voice ]
Can you take your little
382
00:15:50,055 --> 00:15:52,055
koala feet and just scurry
up a little twee
383
00:15:52,158 --> 00:15:53,538
so you can talk
to me better?
384
00:15:53,641 --> 00:15:56,124
[ Classical music plays ]
385
00:15:56,227 --> 00:16:05,227
♪♪
386
00:16:05,331 --> 00:16:07,400
Hey, Jessica.
387
00:16:07,503 --> 00:16:09,883
I was wondering,
i-if you ever want to go out
388
00:16:09,986 --> 00:16:12,572
for coffee
sometime or...
389
00:16:12,676 --> 00:16:14,262
[ Dramatic chord strikes ]
390
00:16:14,779 --> 00:16:16,503
Hey, I thought you
drank cold brew.
391
00:16:16,607 --> 00:16:19,538
Oh, yeah, I stopped
drinking cold brew.
392
00:16:19,641 --> 00:16:20,883
Got tired of it.
393
00:16:20,986 --> 00:16:22,227
I'm the type of person
who could eat pizza
394
00:16:22,331 --> 00:16:24,227
every single day
and then wake up one morning
395
00:16:24,331 --> 00:16:26,365
and hate pizza.
But that's why I --
396
00:16:26,469 --> 00:16:28,227
I'm sorry, I have to
stop you right there.
397
00:16:28,331 --> 00:16:30,676
That's not the type
of person I am.
398
00:16:30,779 --> 00:16:33,227
I love...pizza.
399
00:16:33,331 --> 00:16:35,124
And I will
always love pizza.
400
00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:37,365
It was just an example.
I do love pizza.
401
00:16:37,469 --> 00:16:40,331
But...you were gonna
ask me something?
402
00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:42,296
[ Scoffs ]
403
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,538
Not anymore.
404
00:16:46,779 --> 00:16:49,400
[ Triumphant music plays ]
405
00:16:49,503 --> 00:16:55,814
♪♪
406
00:16:55,917 --> 00:16:57,779
You lose, Jake.
407
00:16:57,883 --> 00:16:59,227
I don't love Jessica,
408
00:16:59,331 --> 00:17:03,124
which proves that
I do looooovvve...
409
00:17:04,055 --> 00:17:06,469
...Laura.
410
00:17:06,572 --> 00:17:09,158
Jake: Matt, I'm sorry
I made fun of your crush.
411
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:11,986
The truth is, I have
a crush of my own.
412
00:17:12,089 --> 00:17:14,365
You do?
Who is it?
413
00:17:16,641 --> 00:17:17,572
Jessica?!
414
00:17:17,676 --> 00:17:18,917
She's the one
who's there.
415
00:17:19,021 --> 00:17:21,158
I also had
a crush on Laura.
416
00:17:21,262 --> 00:17:22,814
Wow.
417
00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:28,745
♪♪
418
00:17:28,848 --> 00:17:34,745
♪♪
419
00:17:34,848 --> 00:17:37,331
[ Dramatic chord strikes ]
420
00:17:39,607 --> 00:17:43,434
John, I owe you an apology.
421
00:17:43,538 --> 00:17:46,572
The other day,
we didn't adequately celebrate
422
00:17:46,676 --> 00:17:47,917
your newfound love.
423
00:17:48,021 --> 00:17:52,089
But I have a little
surprise for everyone.
424
00:17:53,607 --> 00:17:57,055
I'd like to make a toast.
425
00:17:57,158 --> 00:18:00,089
Now, uh...[chuckles]
occasions like this,
426
00:18:00,193 --> 00:18:03,745
they remind me of
a little joke I like to tell.
427
00:18:03,848 --> 00:18:05,503
Now stop me if
you've heard this one.
428
00:18:05,607 --> 00:18:06,814
[ Laughter ]
429
00:18:06,917 --> 00:18:09,262
There was once a man,
430
00:18:09,365 --> 00:18:14,296
and he met a woman,
and they fell in love.
431
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:18,503
So, they got married,
and then they bought a house,
432
00:18:18,607 --> 00:18:21,124
and they had three children.
433
00:18:21,227 --> 00:18:25,021
And as marriages go, they had
their ups and their downs.
434
00:18:25,124 --> 00:18:27,434
Whenever the guys at work
would ask him why he
435
00:18:27,538 --> 00:18:30,400
and his wife fought so much,
he'd respond,
436
00:18:30,503 --> 00:18:32,676
"Well, I don't know.
437
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,503
She never tells me."
438
00:18:34,607 --> 00:18:36,469
[ Laughter ]
439
00:18:36,572 --> 00:18:39,779
Turns out, uh, what they were
fighting about was the man's
440
00:18:39,883 --> 00:18:43,365
rampant infidelity.
441
00:18:45,055 --> 00:18:47,952
So, he abandoned that family,
442
00:18:48,055 --> 00:18:50,572
and then he got a new wife.
443
00:18:50,676 --> 00:18:51,986
And then,
they bought a house
444
00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:53,607
and had three children
of their own.
445
00:18:53,710 --> 00:18:57,572
And as marriages go, they had
their ups and their downs.
446
00:18:57,676 --> 00:19:01,400
Well, one day after
a particularly long day at work,
447
00:19:01,503 --> 00:19:03,400
his wife came to him
and she asked him, she said,
448
00:19:03,503 --> 00:19:07,227
"Honey, why is it that you
always have to work so late?"
449
00:19:07,331 --> 00:19:11,400
To which he replied,
"Because I'm busy..."
450
00:19:11,503 --> 00:19:13,193
[ Laughter ]
451
00:19:13,296 --> 00:19:17,158
"...having sex
with my secretary...
452
00:19:17,262 --> 00:19:19,538
and your brothers."
453
00:19:19,641 --> 00:19:21,365
[ Ominous chord strikes ]
454
00:19:21,469 --> 00:19:24,469
So, he abandoned that family,
455
00:19:24,572 --> 00:19:27,434
and then he got a civil union
with one of her brothers.
456
00:19:27,538 --> 00:19:31,227
And then they bought a house,
and then, uh, well,
457
00:19:31,331 --> 00:19:32,848
eventually he abandoned
that family,
458
00:19:32,952 --> 00:19:35,365
and then he got a new wife
and then they bought a house
459
00:19:35,469 --> 00:19:36,917
and had three children
of their own,
460
00:19:37,021 --> 00:19:38,365
and, uh, so one and so on.
461
00:19:38,469 --> 00:19:41,503
And for years, he continued
this vicious cycle
462
00:19:41,607 --> 00:19:44,607
of marriage, children,
infidelity,
463
00:19:44,710 --> 00:19:46,848
and real estate acquisition.
464
00:19:46,952 --> 00:19:53,503
Until finally, one day, he was
lying on his death bed, dying.
465
00:19:53,607 --> 00:19:55,952
And his wife turned to him
and she asked him, she said,
466
00:19:56,055 --> 00:20:00,641
"Honey, can you tell me,
what have you learned
467
00:20:00,745 --> 00:20:03,124
during your life here on Earth?"
468
00:20:03,227 --> 00:20:06,917
To which he replied...
469
00:20:07,021 --> 00:20:12,814
"I've learned that love
isn't real,
470
00:20:12,917 --> 00:20:15,503
but I love
471
00:20:15,607 --> 00:20:20,538
having sex with your
sisters and brothers."
472
00:20:20,641 --> 00:20:23,434
And then he died,
473
00:20:23,538 --> 00:20:29,710
and his body
evacuated its waste.
474
00:20:31,848 --> 00:20:35,986
[ Breathing shakily ]
475
00:20:41,986 --> 00:20:45,434
What, you've never
heard that one?
476
00:20:45,538 --> 00:20:48,193
[ Laughter ]
477
00:20:48,296 --> 00:20:52,572
[ Mendelssohn's
"Wedding March" plays ]
478
00:20:52,676 --> 00:20:56,607
Well, anyway, to John...
479
00:20:56,710 --> 00:20:59,572
And his fucking wife!
480
00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:02,986
[ Laughter ]
481
00:21:03,089 --> 00:21:05,021
Mmm.
482
00:21:11,469 --> 00:21:13,296
I'm a full man. I got a spouse
and an old ball and chain.
483
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:14,779
We were actually
fighting last night --
484
00:21:14,883 --> 00:21:16,021
Who's the ball,
and who's the chain?
485
00:21:16,124 --> 00:21:17,469
And we're like,
"I think we're both both,
486
00:21:17,572 --> 00:21:19,089
and I think maybe
that's why it works so well."
487
00:21:19,193 --> 00:21:20,538
We're not thinking about kids,
but we're not not.
488
00:21:20,641 --> 00:21:22,158
We might start with
a salamander or something.
489
00:21:22,262 --> 00:21:24,158
She loves my birds already,
so it's like --
34838
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
