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1
00:00:11,158 --> 00:00:12,572
- Don't you just love
the holidays?
2
00:00:12,676 --> 00:00:14,055
- The only holiday
I respect is Mother's Day,
3
00:00:14,158 --> 00:00:15,469
'cause I feel
directly responsible
4
00:00:15,572 --> 00:00:17,641
for my mother's pain.
- You do have a huge head.
5
00:00:17,745 --> 00:00:20,365
I'll bet your birthday
causes your mom PTSD.
6
00:00:20,469 --> 00:00:22,434
- Maybe I'll just get
Kate and John gift cards.
7
00:00:22,538 --> 00:00:23,848
- You're asking for a promotion.
8
00:00:23,952 --> 00:00:25,538
You gotta get 'em something
better than a gift card.
9
00:00:25,641 --> 00:00:27,158
- No way.
Gift cards are the perfect way
10
00:00:27,262 --> 00:00:28,365
to show someone
you don't care about
11
00:00:28,469 --> 00:00:29,986
that you really care about them.
12
00:00:30,089 --> 00:00:31,434
Wait, you're getting reimbursed
13
00:00:31,538 --> 00:00:32,848
for the decorations
for the office party, right?
14
00:00:32,952 --> 00:00:33,986
- No, but it's fine.
15
00:00:34,089 --> 00:00:37,021
- Okay, that'll be $837.98.
16
00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:38,952
- Jesus! Fucking.
Fuck you.
17
00:00:39,055 --> 00:00:40,538
What! Whoa!
18
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,400
Okay.
19
00:00:42,503 --> 00:00:44,572
- Sir, if you're not gonna
buy that, please put it down.
20
00:00:44,676 --> 00:00:47,469
- Wow, just some more casual
anti-Semitism thrown in my face.
21
00:00:47,572 --> 00:00:49,296
- I don't like him, either.
22
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:51,469
- Holiday gift giving
is bullshit forced generosity.
23
00:00:51,572 --> 00:00:52,710
If I get gifts for people,
24
00:00:52,814 --> 00:00:53,883
I'm just doing
what I'm supposed to.
25
00:00:53,986 --> 00:00:55,641
If I don't get gifts for people,
I'm an asshole
26
00:00:55,745 --> 00:00:57,607
for not participating in
a made-up corporate holiday.
27
00:00:57,710 --> 00:00:59,158
It's a trap,
and I'm a victim.
28
00:00:59,262 --> 00:01:00,745
- No, holidays are good.
29
00:01:00,848 --> 00:01:02,538
They're your one chance
to make up for being
30
00:01:02,641 --> 00:01:04,779
a huge disappointment
the rest of the year.
31
00:01:04,883 --> 00:01:06,641
- Make this
a September to remember
32
00:01:06,745 --> 00:01:08,503
by getting twin
touch screen Obelisks
33
00:01:08,607 --> 00:01:10,158
for the price of one.
34
00:01:14,503 --> 00:01:17,296
- I don't know.
Something about Remember Day
35
00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:18,710
just leaves a bad taste
in my mouth.
36
00:01:40,331 --> 00:01:42,676
- Yesterday
will always be remembered
37
00:01:42,779 --> 00:01:46,503
as a somber day
in American history.
38
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:51,227
Now more than ever,
Americans need to shop
39
00:01:51,331 --> 00:01:54,193
at Hampton Deville
affiliated stores.
40
00:01:54,296 --> 00:01:56,779
We have a moral duty
as a company
41
00:01:56,883 --> 00:01:58,434
to monetize this tragedy,
42
00:01:58,538 --> 00:02:00,434
because if we don't,
43
00:02:00,538 --> 00:02:03,572
the terrorists win.
44
00:02:05,262 --> 00:02:07,434
- Excuse me, Christian?
45
00:02:07,538 --> 00:02:08,572
We have an idea.
46
00:02:11,814 --> 00:02:15,227
Why do people
celebrate Christmas?
47
00:02:15,331 --> 00:02:16,779
- Trauma.
48
00:02:16,883 --> 00:02:19,193
Americans fight through hell
all year,
49
00:02:19,296 --> 00:02:21,986
and to reward themselves
at the end of it,
50
00:02:22,089 --> 00:02:23,331
they buy gifts.
51
00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:25,262
- Hallmark invented
Valentine's Day;
52
00:02:25,365 --> 00:02:27,262
Walmart invented
the Fourth of July;
53
00:02:27,365 --> 00:02:28,365
and Harbor Day,
as we all know,
54
00:02:28,469 --> 00:02:31,434
was invented by Carl's Jr.
- Carl's Jr.
55
00:02:31,538 --> 00:02:34,365
- So we think it's time
for Hampton DeVille
56
00:02:34,469 --> 00:02:36,883
to create its own holiday.
57
00:02:39,469 --> 00:02:40,917
- What are your names?
58
00:02:41,021 --> 00:02:44,331
- Kate.
- Shawn.
59
00:02:44,434 --> 00:02:46,710
- Kate and John...
60
00:02:46,814 --> 00:02:48,710
- Oh--
61
00:02:48,814 --> 00:02:49,952
- That's...
62
00:02:50,055 --> 00:02:51,917
an excellent idea.
63
00:02:54,434 --> 00:02:57,331
2000 years ago,
Jesus Christ was crucified,
64
00:02:57,434 --> 00:02:59,434
and now every Easter,
people buy
65
00:02:59,538 --> 00:03:02,021
millions of dollars
worth of chocolate bunnies.
66
00:03:02,124 --> 00:03:04,193
Starting today,
we are going to plant the seeds
67
00:03:04,296 --> 00:03:05,434
for a new holiday.
68
00:03:05,538 --> 00:03:07,365
We just have to wait
until the time is right.
69
00:03:07,469 --> 00:03:09,262
This can't feel opportunistic.
70
00:03:09,365 --> 00:03:10,883
It has to come
straight from the heart.
71
00:03:10,986 --> 00:03:11,883
I'm thinking...
72
00:03:14,296 --> 00:03:17,400
20 years seems appropriate.
73
00:03:19,503 --> 00:03:22,331
both: It's Remember Day!
74
00:03:24,262 --> 00:03:27,538
- In studio with us today,
we have Hampton DeVille CEO,
75
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:28,883
Christian DeVille.
76
00:03:28,986 --> 00:03:30,883
both: Hey, Christian.
- It's great to be here.
77
00:03:30,986 --> 00:03:32,331
You know,
I'm a big fan of the show.
78
00:03:32,434 --> 00:03:33,434
- Ooh!
- Cheers.
79
00:03:33,538 --> 00:03:35,124
- Ch-ching, ch-ching.
- Yay.
80
00:03:35,227 --> 00:03:38,365
- Fun fact: Hampton DeVille
actually coined the phrase,
81
00:03:38,469 --> 00:03:41,641
"Remember Day,"
so I guess that kinda makes you
82
00:03:41,745 --> 00:03:44,331
the Santa Claus
of this holiday.
83
00:03:44,434 --> 00:03:46,055
- I like that.
- So Hampton DeVille
84
00:03:46,158 --> 00:03:49,262
cares about all Americans,
and wants to give back.
85
00:03:49,365 --> 00:03:50,917
That's why you'll find
great deals
86
00:03:51,021 --> 00:03:53,021
on all Hampton DeVille
products today.
87
00:03:53,124 --> 00:03:54,124
And with every purchase,
88
00:03:54,227 --> 00:03:56,572
you'll receive
a red Remember Day string,
89
00:03:56,676 --> 00:03:58,434
and we suggest you tie it
around your finger
90
00:03:58,538 --> 00:04:01,158
to help you to remember.
91
00:04:01,262 --> 00:04:04,262
- If I have any more white wine,
I won't remember anything.
92
00:04:04,365 --> 00:04:05,952
- I might black out.
93
00:04:06,055 --> 00:04:08,158
- Okay, let's go
a pinch more to the right.
94
00:04:08,262 --> 00:04:09,607
No, to the right.
95
00:04:09,710 --> 00:04:11,676
And...
- Whoops.
96
00:04:11,779 --> 00:04:13,296
- Grace...
- Matt, chill out.
97
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:14,572
This is an office holiday party
98
00:04:14,676 --> 00:04:17,021
for a bunch of bosses
and employees
99
00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:19,331
who make fun of you in email
threads behind your back.
100
00:04:19,434 --> 00:04:20,952
- My coworkers are my family.
101
00:04:21,055 --> 00:04:22,986
I know that, because
they constantly mistreat me,
102
00:04:23,089 --> 00:04:24,503
and I desperately need
their approval.
103
00:04:24,607 --> 00:04:26,296
- Hey, so what's the deal
with the elephant?
104
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,021
- It's the Remember Day
Memory Elephant.
105
00:04:28,124 --> 00:04:29,262
It helps you never forget.
106
00:04:29,365 --> 00:04:31,469
But wait, it's supposed to be
red, white, and blue.
107
00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:33,710
- Uh, the store only had
grey elephants,
108
00:04:33,814 --> 00:04:35,607
because that's the color
that elephants are.
109
00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:37,641
- Okay, well, I don't have time
for your excuses.
110
00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:39,021
The party starts in two hours,
111
00:04:39,124 --> 00:04:40,745
so I need you to go get
some art supplies
112
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:41,883
and paint that elephant
American.
113
00:04:41,986 --> 00:04:44,848
- Jeez, why is this
so important to you?
114
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,607
- Why is this
so important to you?
115
00:04:47,710 --> 00:04:50,745
- Because, Roger, you forgot to
buy the Christmas ham.
116
00:04:50,848 --> 00:04:52,124
That was our Christmas dinner.
117
00:04:52,227 --> 00:04:54,434
Without it, we don't have
Christmas, so good job!
118
00:04:54,538 --> 00:04:56,296
- Oh, don't go
blaming this on me.
119
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:57,572
- Would you keep
your voice down?
120
00:04:57,676 --> 00:04:59,124
I don't want Matt to hear you.
121
00:04:59,227 --> 00:05:00,434
- I want him to hear us.
122
00:05:00,538 --> 00:05:02,089
Ever since
he's moved back in here,
123
00:05:02,193 --> 00:05:03,814
our marriage has been
falling apart!
124
00:05:03,917 --> 00:05:06,469
- Well, you know what I want
for Christmas? A divorce!
125
00:05:06,572 --> 00:05:08,779
- Well, ho, ho, ho,
and call me Santa Claus,
126
00:05:08,883 --> 00:05:10,365
because I'm giving you
your wish.
127
00:05:10,469 --> 00:05:11,538
- Matt?
128
00:05:11,641 --> 00:05:13,365
What were you just
thinking about?
129
00:05:13,469 --> 00:05:15,745
- Nothing.
All I know is that
130
00:05:15,848 --> 00:05:18,572
holidays hold the potential
to ruin lives,
131
00:05:18,676 --> 00:05:20,676
and I won't let that
happen today.
132
00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:24,538
- Okay, whatever,
I'll go paint the elephant.
133
00:05:24,641 --> 00:05:26,262
Thank you, Paige.
134
00:05:29,503 --> 00:05:31,021
Grace, higher.
135
00:05:31,124 --> 00:05:33,227
- Matt, I'm short,
you tall monster.
136
00:05:33,331 --> 00:05:34,572
- Okay, I'll do it then.
137
00:05:34,676 --> 00:05:35,952
- Coming up after the break,
138
00:05:36,055 --> 00:05:38,883
we've got a celebrity chef,
Theresa Marticinni.
139
00:05:38,986 --> 00:05:41,124
She's gonna be making us
traditional Remember Day goose.
140
00:05:43,814 --> 00:05:44,917
- Thank you, Christian!
- Toodles.
141
00:05:45,021 --> 00:05:46,089
- My pleasure.
142
00:05:46,193 --> 00:05:51,089
- Let me just get this mic
off of you real quick.
143
00:05:51,193 --> 00:05:52,434
And while I got you here,
144
00:05:52,538 --> 00:05:55,883
I just want you know, I think
you're a sick piece of shit.
145
00:05:55,986 --> 00:05:58,434
- Excuse me?
146
00:05:58,538 --> 00:05:59,779
Do you know
who you're speaking to?
147
00:05:59,883 --> 00:06:01,986
- Yeah, a sick piece of shit,
who's totally comfortable
148
00:06:02,089 --> 00:06:04,124
exploiting emotionally
vulnerable people
149
00:06:04,227 --> 00:06:05,469
to get a quick buck.
150
00:06:05,572 --> 00:06:08,779
Fuck you, Santa Claus.
151
00:06:08,883 --> 00:06:11,365
How do you live with yourself?
152
00:06:22,365 --> 00:06:24,607
- Kate...
153
00:06:24,710 --> 00:06:27,089
Hey, Kate.
- I'm right here.
154
00:06:28,848 --> 00:06:31,193
- Did you get
your Remember Day bonus yet?
155
00:06:31,296 --> 00:06:33,814
- No.
Did you?
156
00:06:33,917 --> 00:06:35,124
- You don't think he's forgotten
157
00:06:35,227 --> 00:06:36,952
that this holiday
was our idea, do you?
158
00:06:37,055 --> 00:06:39,538
- On Remember Day?
159
00:06:39,641 --> 00:06:41,021
Okay, Jake,
you're gonna go in there,
160
00:06:41,124 --> 00:06:43,434
and be confident and direct,
and exude raw sexual energy,
161
00:06:43,538 --> 00:06:45,883
which nobody can deny.
Let's go.
162
00:06:47,021 --> 00:06:49,779
Oh, my God, perfect.
You're both here.
163
00:06:49,883 --> 00:06:53,572
First of all,
Happy Remember Day.
164
00:06:53,676 --> 00:06:56,676
- Aww, thank you, Jake.
- Aww.
165
00:06:56,779 --> 00:06:58,021
- I'll get straight
to the point.
166
00:06:58,124 --> 00:07:00,193
Listen, I've been
a Junior Executive in Training
167
00:07:00,296 --> 00:07:01,365
for about five years now,
168
00:07:01,469 --> 00:07:03,503
and it's technically
a one-year program,
169
00:07:03,607 --> 00:07:05,607
so wow.
170
00:07:05,710 --> 00:07:07,021
Anyway, I am all trained up,
171
00:07:07,124 --> 00:07:09,434
and I'm ready to be
a Junior Executive.
172
00:07:09,538 --> 00:07:10,848
As my mentors,
173
00:07:10,952 --> 00:07:13,158
promoting me would be
a huge win for both of you.
174
00:07:13,262 --> 00:07:15,814
I'm your Shamu,
you're my SeaWorld,
175
00:07:15,917 --> 00:07:17,641
and let's just pretend
Blackfish never happened.
176
00:07:17,745 --> 00:07:19,365
Who cares about whales?
I don't.
177
00:07:19,469 --> 00:07:20,917
- First of all, Jake,
178
00:07:21,021 --> 00:07:23,572
we're surprised it took you
this long to ask.
179
00:07:23,676 --> 00:07:27,434
- Unfortunately,
the answer is no.
180
00:07:27,538 --> 00:07:28,607
- Jake, here are the reasons
181
00:07:28,710 --> 00:07:30,055
you will not be getting
this promotion.
182
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:31,814
You come into work
with cat hair on your suit.
183
00:07:31,917 --> 00:07:33,158
- So much cat hair
that I'm sometimes like,
184
00:07:33,262 --> 00:07:34,538
"What's going on here?"
- What's going on?
185
00:07:34,641 --> 00:07:35,572
What's happening?
186
00:07:35,676 --> 00:07:37,883
- Unfortunately,
the answer is no.
187
00:07:37,986 --> 00:07:40,055
We're not gonna sign you
to our record label.
188
00:07:40,158 --> 00:07:42,021
And can I give you some advice?
189
00:07:42,124 --> 00:07:44,089
- No.
I'm here to rock.
190
00:07:44,193 --> 00:07:45,848
The music industry
has gone corporate.
191
00:07:45,952 --> 00:07:48,193
Fuck corporate America.
192
00:07:48,296 --> 00:07:50,503
Two, three, four.
193
00:07:50,607 --> 00:07:52,986
♪ America is a corporation
194
00:07:53,089 --> 00:07:56,055
♪ And I hate
my supportive parents ♪
195
00:07:56,158 --> 00:07:58,952
♪ North Korea
is better than America ♪
196
00:07:59,055 --> 00:08:02,055
♪ And I can't pay
my student loans ♪
197
00:08:02,158 --> 00:08:04,848
- And Baron showed us
a video of your rap rock band,
198
00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:06,055
so there's that.
- Yikes.
199
00:08:06,158 --> 00:08:08,814
- Quite frankly,
you're lucky to even have a job.
200
00:08:08,917 --> 00:08:10,365
- ♪ Gift card
- Wow.
201
00:08:10,469 --> 00:08:12,296
- How much is on it?
202
00:08:15,158 --> 00:08:15,848
- All right, just wanna
double-check we have everything.
203
00:08:15,952 --> 00:08:17,745
We've got Remember Nog;
204
00:08:17,848 --> 00:08:19,883
Paige painted the elephant;
205
00:08:19,986 --> 00:08:23,193
and you got the Remember--
- Grace, I got it, okay?
206
00:08:23,296 --> 00:08:25,848
I'm not gonna screw this up.
- I'm gonna screw you up!
207
00:08:25,952 --> 00:08:27,469
I hate this bullshit holiday--
208
00:08:31,089 --> 00:08:32,089
- Be careful up there.
209
00:08:36,227 --> 00:08:38,779
- Hi, Dad--I mean, Mr. DeVille.
210
00:08:38,883 --> 00:08:41,503
Happy Remember Day.
- Thank you.
211
00:08:41,607 --> 00:08:44,434
Can I ask you a question, uh...
212
00:08:44,538 --> 00:08:46,607
- Matt.
- Pat...
213
00:08:46,710 --> 00:08:49,331
what do you think about
this holiday?
214
00:08:49,434 --> 00:08:50,745
- I love it.
215
00:08:50,848 --> 00:08:52,745
Christmas kinda
got ruined for me,
216
00:08:52,848 --> 00:08:55,193
so this holiday
means a lot to me.
217
00:08:55,296 --> 00:08:58,296
I mean, I went
into a $1,000 credit card debt
218
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,021
buying all the decorations
for this party,
219
00:09:00,124 --> 00:09:02,262
but that's what it's
all about, right?
220
00:09:02,365 --> 00:09:04,296
- Honestly, Pat,
221
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:07,055
I don't know
what it's all about anymore.
222
00:09:07,158 --> 00:09:09,262
This morning, someone made me
think about this holiday
223
00:09:09,365 --> 00:09:10,952
a little differently,
and now...
224
00:09:11,055 --> 00:09:15,193
Quite frankly...
225
00:09:15,296 --> 00:09:17,710
I'm spinning out of control...
226
00:09:17,814 --> 00:09:18,607
emotionally.
227
00:09:18,710 --> 00:09:21,745
- Oh, well,
228
00:09:21,848 --> 00:09:23,331
you should come to
the party later.
229
00:09:23,434 --> 00:09:25,572
I planned the whole thing.
We're gonna have Remember Nog.
230
00:09:25,676 --> 00:09:28,538
- Maybe I'll stop by.
231
00:09:30,538 --> 00:09:31,503
- Oh, and we're cooking
232
00:09:31,607 --> 00:09:33,434
a traditional
Remember Day goose, so...
233
00:09:36,538 --> 00:09:37,400
Goose...
234
00:09:43,710 --> 00:09:47,193
Oh, holy Christ in heaven,
I forgot the goose.
235
00:09:52,089 --> 00:09:53,986
- So I asked for that promotion,
and guess what?
236
00:09:54,089 --> 00:09:55,262
- Jake, I don't have time
for you right now, okay?
237
00:09:55,365 --> 00:09:57,400
I have to redeem my father--
I mean, Christian.
238
00:09:57,503 --> 00:09:59,848
Listen, stop questioning me
right now, okay?
239
00:09:59,952 --> 00:10:02,434
All I know is
I need to get a goose.
240
00:10:09,158 --> 00:10:12,572
- This Remember Day,
show her you really care
241
00:10:12,676 --> 00:10:14,952
by giving her the gift
she'll always remember
242
00:10:15,055 --> 00:10:16,503
and never forget,
243
00:10:16,607 --> 00:10:19,193
because she won't be able
to stop remembering.
244
00:10:19,296 --> 00:10:21,883
- Here you go.
Next!
245
00:10:21,986 --> 00:10:23,469
- Listen,
I know it's last minute,
246
00:10:23,572 --> 00:10:24,814
but I need a goose.
247
00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:27,124
- You gotta be
a real fucking idiot
248
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:29,917
not to order a goose
before Remember Day.
249
00:10:30,021 --> 00:10:32,952
What are you? A grade-A bozo?
250
00:10:33,055 --> 00:10:34,986
You got spaghetti
and meatballs for brains?
251
00:10:35,089 --> 00:10:37,262
Did you get dropped as a child?
252
00:10:37,365 --> 00:10:39,124
Or did God just think
it would be funny
253
00:10:39,227 --> 00:10:43,124
to put mashed fucking potatoes
in your skull?
254
00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:45,262
- What's happening right now?
- Doesn't matter.
255
00:10:45,365 --> 00:10:48,331
That old lady got
the last goose.
256
00:10:48,434 --> 00:10:49,986
You fucking idiot!
257
00:10:50,089 --> 00:10:53,089
Get a life, you fucking moron!
- Excuse me...
258
00:10:53,193 --> 00:10:55,021
Excuse me, miss,
I'm sorry to bother you,
259
00:10:55,124 --> 00:10:58,055
and this is gonna sound crazy,
but I need that goose.
260
00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,607
- I've got a Taser.
261
00:10:59,710 --> 00:11:02,745
- Okay, uh, well, uh, listen,
I'll--I'll buy it off you.
262
00:11:02,848 --> 00:11:04,158
I'll--I'll give you $200.
263
00:11:04,262 --> 00:11:05,779
- Fuck you.
Go to rehab.
264
00:11:05,883 --> 00:11:07,572
- Okay, ey--hey, excuse me.
Listen to me.
265
00:11:07,676 --> 00:11:08,676
Listen to me, I'm sorry,
266
00:11:08,779 --> 00:11:11,331
but this is really
important to me.
267
00:11:11,434 --> 00:11:12,779
It's Remember Day,
268
00:11:12,883 --> 00:11:14,952
and as Americans, we need to
learn to come together more...
269
00:11:15,055 --> 00:11:17,262
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
- And just really--hey!
270
00:11:17,365 --> 00:11:19,021
Hold on!
Ow!
271
00:11:19,124 --> 00:11:21,262
God, you didn't have to do--
272
00:11:25,296 --> 00:11:27,676
- I'll never forget where I was
when I found out.
273
00:11:27,779 --> 00:11:31,262
I was eating a bacon, egg,
and cheese croissant in my car.
274
00:11:31,365 --> 00:11:33,158
I was so upset,
I couldn't even finish it.
275
00:11:33,262 --> 00:11:34,814
- Hm.
276
00:11:34,917 --> 00:11:36,469
- I lied.
277
00:11:36,572 --> 00:11:38,055
I totally finished it.
278
00:11:38,158 --> 00:11:39,986
But I felt bad.
279
00:11:40,089 --> 00:11:42,262
I think the mayo was expired.
280
00:11:42,365 --> 00:11:44,883
- I was actually, like,
281
00:11:44,986 --> 00:11:46,607
dead in the middle
of losing my virginity
282
00:11:46,710 --> 00:11:48,883
when it all happened.
283
00:11:48,986 --> 00:11:50,262
Yeah, the news came on the TV,
284
00:11:50,365 --> 00:11:51,641
and, well, long story short,
285
00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:56,814
uh, I've had a lot of
sexual problems ever since...
286
00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:59,469
- Hm.
- So...
287
00:11:59,572 --> 00:12:00,745
- What about you, Paige?
288
00:12:00,848 --> 00:12:03,089
- Oh, I actually can't remember
where I was that day.
289
00:12:03,193 --> 00:12:06,986
- How's that possible?
- I was six years old.
290
00:12:07,089 --> 00:12:09,848
- Fuck you.
- Hm.
291
00:12:11,434 --> 00:12:12,676
- Hey, Jake, what's wrong?
292
00:12:12,779 --> 00:12:15,227
Besides everything
that's happening around us.
293
00:12:15,331 --> 00:12:17,296
- Oh, I don't know, let's see.
294
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,158
I've worked here for five years,
can't get a promotion.
295
00:12:19,262 --> 00:12:22,227
Nobody here cares about me,
296
00:12:22,331 --> 00:12:24,262
not even Matt.
297
00:12:24,365 --> 00:12:25,779
My cat stopped
sleeping in bed with me,
298
00:12:25,883 --> 00:12:28,538
and I can't figure out why,
and it's destroying me!
299
00:12:30,227 --> 00:12:32,986
So in summary,
I think I'm gonna quit.
300
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:37,883
- Whoops.
301
00:12:37,986 --> 00:12:39,124
Totally should've
said something there.
302
00:12:56,262 --> 00:12:57,883
- You forgot to buy
the Christmas ham.
303
00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:59,745
- Oh, don't go
blaming this on me.
304
00:12:59,848 --> 00:13:02,710
- You know what I want
for Christmas? A divorce!
305
00:13:02,814 --> 00:13:05,607
- Well, ho, ho, ho,
and call me Santa Claus,
306
00:13:05,710 --> 00:13:07,296
because I'm giving you
your wish.
307
00:13:15,262 --> 00:13:17,676
both: Happy Remember Day!
308
00:13:17,779 --> 00:13:19,021
- Well, it's taken 16 years,
309
00:13:19,124 --> 00:13:21,296
but I think our little holiday
is finally taking off.
310
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,572
Interest on store-bought credit
cards is through the roof.
311
00:13:23,676 --> 00:13:26,365
- Next year, I think we can
go ahead with the parade.
312
00:13:26,469 --> 00:13:28,262
- That's great news.
- Quick side note-slash-
313
00:13:28,365 --> 00:13:29,641
awkwardly straightforward
question,
314
00:13:29,745 --> 00:13:30,848
John and I were wondering
315
00:13:30,952 --> 00:13:33,883
when we can expect
our Remember Day bonuses.
316
00:13:33,986 --> 00:13:36,055
- Is money
all you can think about?
317
00:13:37,296 --> 00:13:40,331
It's fucking Remember Day.
318
00:13:46,779 --> 00:13:49,434
- I got the goose.
319
00:13:54,158 --> 00:13:57,227
- I brought the goose, okay?
320
00:13:57,331 --> 00:13:59,193
I didn't forget.
There it is.
321
00:13:59,296 --> 00:14:01,779
So now we can all have fun
and enjoy ourselves.
322
00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:03,158
Remember Day isn't ruined.
323
00:14:03,262 --> 00:14:06,400
- That's a swan.
- Did you kill that swan?
324
00:14:06,503 --> 00:14:08,021
- Oh, don't go
blaming this on me!
325
00:14:08,124 --> 00:14:11,779
I did unforgivable things
to bring you people this goose,
326
00:14:11,883 --> 00:14:14,572
so somebody's gonna cook it,
and we're gonna eat it,
327
00:14:14,676 --> 00:14:17,227
because Hampton DeVille
is a family, God damn it.
328
00:14:18,814 --> 00:14:22,538
My parents got divorced
on Christmas last year.
329
00:14:22,641 --> 00:14:25,779
- Nobody touch the dead swan.
It looks diseased.
330
00:14:28,745 --> 00:14:31,055
- I think what I learned is that
I have some repressed trauma,
331
00:14:31,158 --> 00:14:34,262
and I really tapped
into that today.
332
00:14:34,365 --> 00:14:36,331
- Matt,
I want you to know that
333
00:14:36,434 --> 00:14:39,779
there is nothing you can do
to make this right,
334
00:14:39,883 --> 00:14:42,676
and you will go to your grave
a swan murderer.
335
00:14:42,779 --> 00:14:43,883
- That's fair.
336
00:14:43,986 --> 00:14:45,986
- But there's someone
who needs you right now.
337
00:14:46,089 --> 00:14:47,296
Jake didn't get the promotion,
338
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:48,641
and he's thinking about
leaving the company.
339
00:14:48,745 --> 00:14:52,124
- Oh, no, he tried to
talk to me earlier, but I was--
340
00:14:52,227 --> 00:14:54,331
- Premeditating a swan murder.
341
00:14:54,434 --> 00:14:56,158
But let's not retread the past.
342
00:14:56,262 --> 00:14:59,193
Jake needs you,
and I can't help him,
343
00:14:59,296 --> 00:15:02,503
because I just don't
feel like it.
344
00:15:12,572 --> 00:15:14,676
- You're in my chair.
345
00:15:14,779 --> 00:15:16,986
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I-I will leave.
346
00:15:19,469 --> 00:15:21,331
- Sit back down.
347
00:15:31,296 --> 00:15:32,917
What's your name again?
- Jake.
348
00:15:33,021 --> 00:15:36,538
- Cake.
- Um--
349
00:15:36,641 --> 00:15:38,227
- You wanna sit at
the big table, don't you, Cake?
350
00:15:38,331 --> 00:15:40,055
- More than I've ever
wanted anything.
351
00:15:40,158 --> 00:15:42,227
- Let me ask you a question.
352
00:15:42,331 --> 00:15:46,296
Do you think
Santa Claus is happy?
353
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,365
- I'm pretty Jewish, so...
354
00:15:48,469 --> 00:15:50,365
- I don't think Santa's happy.
355
00:15:50,469 --> 00:15:54,262
I mean,
maybe he started out happy,
356
00:15:54,365 --> 00:15:57,296
but he wanted to bring
joy to the world,
357
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,814
so he created Christmas.
358
00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:01,779
But after he went down
enough chimneys,
359
00:16:01,883 --> 00:16:04,503
he found out
not everyone likes Christmas,
360
00:16:04,607 --> 00:16:08,400
that some people are
Jewish or Democrats,
361
00:16:08,503 --> 00:16:12,848
or they think Christmas
shouldn't be about gifts.
362
00:16:12,952 --> 00:16:17,331
So now Santa lives all alone
at the North Pole,
363
00:16:17,434 --> 00:16:22,710
surrounded by elves and reindeer
he underpays and doesn't trust,
364
00:16:22,814 --> 00:16:28,917
and he can't tell anymore
if Christmas is good or bad.
365
00:16:29,952 --> 00:16:31,883
Trust me,
366
00:16:31,986 --> 00:16:35,572
Santa Claus isn't happy.
367
00:16:35,676 --> 00:16:39,814
You're better off being
a dirty fucking elf.
368
00:16:41,262 --> 00:16:44,021
Is that cat hair on your suit?
369
00:16:45,296 --> 00:16:47,814
- Yes.
- I love cats.
370
00:16:47,917 --> 00:16:49,262
- Me, too.
371
00:16:49,365 --> 00:16:52,986
- Now I'd like you to leave.
- Got it.
372
00:16:59,538 --> 00:17:01,331
- Jesus! Fuck! Sorry.
373
00:17:01,434 --> 00:17:04,572
Uh, I've had a bit
of an emotional day.
374
00:17:04,676 --> 00:17:08,365
- Oh, well, I understand.
375
00:17:08,469 --> 00:17:09,607
Say, what have you got there?
376
00:17:09,710 --> 00:17:13,607
- Oh, well, there's one person
in this office
377
00:17:13,710 --> 00:17:14,952
who had a worst day than me,
378
00:17:15,055 --> 00:17:17,503
and I thought this would
cheer him up.
379
00:17:17,607 --> 00:17:19,227
- You--you mean me?
380
00:17:32,158 --> 00:17:33,158
A guitar.
381
00:17:33,262 --> 00:17:36,710
But I don't play.
- Oh.
382
00:17:36,814 --> 00:17:40,538
- Why would you do
such a nice thing for me?
383
00:17:40,641 --> 00:17:44,227
- Because it's Remember Day?
384
00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:48,400
- Thank you, Pat.
- Yeah, okay.
385
00:17:52,503 --> 00:17:53,814
- No, you--you are such a good
386
00:17:53,917 --> 00:17:56,400
- Shawn, the way you fired
that guy that one time was so--
387
00:17:56,503 --> 00:17:57,503
- Hey, hey.
388
00:17:57,607 --> 00:18:00,262
- Christian...
389
00:18:00,365 --> 00:18:02,124
We have something to say to you.
- Yeah.
390
00:18:02,227 --> 00:18:05,124
And what she says may or may not
reflect my own viewpoint.
391
00:18:05,227 --> 00:18:08,227
- Wait, before you do,
I have something to say.
392
00:18:08,331 --> 00:18:09,710
Up until a few moments ago,
393
00:18:09,814 --> 00:18:12,055
I had forgotten the true meaning
of Remember Day.
394
00:18:12,158 --> 00:18:13,124
- Huh?
- Hm?
395
00:18:13,227 --> 00:18:14,848
- Appreciating
the people in your life
396
00:18:14,952 --> 00:18:16,883
by giving them
what they care about most.
397
00:18:22,745 --> 00:18:26,400
- I will never forget that
Remember Day was your idea.
398
00:18:26,503 --> 00:18:27,331
- Yeah?
- Yes.
399
00:18:27,434 --> 00:18:29,227
- Yeah?
- Aw!
400
00:18:31,779 --> 00:18:34,986
- This feels good, doesn't it?
both: Yeah.
401
00:18:38,055 --> 00:18:39,848
- Hey, Jake.
402
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,055
- Hey, Matt.
403
00:18:41,158 --> 00:18:42,331
- Grace told me
you didn't get the promotion.
404
00:18:42,434 --> 00:18:45,124
I'm sorry I wasn't there
for you earlier,
405
00:18:45,227 --> 00:18:47,296
but you're my best friend,
406
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,779
or best work friend,
407
00:18:49,883 --> 00:18:53,124
and I'm here for you now.
- Honestly, man,
408
00:18:53,227 --> 00:18:55,158
I know I'm kind of a nightmare
to be around in general,
409
00:18:55,262 --> 00:18:57,676
so don't worry about it.
410
00:18:57,779 --> 00:18:59,641
- So you're gonna quit?
411
00:18:59,745 --> 00:19:02,469
I was thinking about it,
but I kinda realized that
412
00:19:02,572 --> 00:19:03,917
I'd rather be
miserable at my job
413
00:19:04,021 --> 00:19:05,986
and be able to afford
a one-bedroom apartment
414
00:19:06,089 --> 00:19:08,779
than follow my dreams
and live in a studio apartment.
415
00:19:08,883 --> 00:19:10,538
- Capitalism is a prison.
416
00:19:10,641 --> 00:19:12,745
- So should we hug now?
417
00:19:12,848 --> 00:19:13,676
- I would like to hug.
418
00:19:18,814 --> 00:19:21,400
Why do you feel wet
and smell like death?
419
00:19:21,503 --> 00:19:22,262
- I don't wanna talk about it.
420
00:19:25,227 --> 00:19:26,400
- I am so glad that
I will spend this night
421
00:19:26,503 --> 00:19:28,021
with the people
I care about the most.
422
00:19:29,779 --> 00:19:31,779
- Oh, I have to go meet them
in a minute,
423
00:19:31,883 --> 00:19:36,055
but first,
I wanna play something.
424
00:19:41,986 --> 00:19:47,710
♪ Try to remember
the kind of September ♪
425
00:19:47,814 --> 00:19:54,021
♪ When life was slow
and oh, so mellow ♪
426
00:19:54,124 --> 00:20:00,055
♪ Try to remember
the kind of September ♪
427
00:20:00,158 --> 00:20:04,745
♪ When grass was green
and grain was yellow ♪
428
00:20:04,848 --> 00:20:08,262
- I'm never gonna forget this.
429
00:20:08,365 --> 00:20:09,952
- Well, Harold,
430
00:20:10,055 --> 00:20:13,986
today I beat up a drug addict
who tried to steal our dinner.
431
00:20:18,296 --> 00:20:23,676
- ♪ Try to remember
and if you remember ♪
432
00:20:23,779 --> 00:20:25,883
♪ Then follow
433
00:20:25,986 --> 00:20:29,124
both: ♪ Follow, follow, follow,
follow, follow, follow ♪
434
00:20:29,227 --> 00:20:30,572
both: ♪ Follow, follow
435
00:20:33,021 --> 00:20:37,124
And that's
what Remember Day's all about.
436
00:20:41,814 --> 00:20:42,572
- Broke into Kate
and John's offices,
437
00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:44,089
stole my gift cards back.
438
00:20:44,193 --> 00:20:47,572
- Oh, well, I mean, this is
an utterly meaningless gesture,
439
00:20:47,676 --> 00:20:49,503
but I appreciate
that it comes from you.
440
00:20:49,607 --> 00:20:50,676
- Hypothetical question,
441
00:20:50,779 --> 00:20:52,089
you get invited
to Osama Bin Laden's
442
00:20:52,193 --> 00:20:53,883
birthday party,
what do you get the guy?
443
00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:55,227
- Gift card.
- Absolutely.
444
00:20:55,331 --> 00:20:58,676
- Okay, hypothetical question,
Osama Bin Laden is alive,
445
00:20:58,779 --> 00:21:00,227
and he wants to
have sex with you.
446
00:21:00,331 --> 00:21:01,538
What do you do?
447
00:21:01,641 --> 00:21:02,745
- I don't know,
he's gotta woo me first.
448
00:21:02,848 --> 00:21:03,710
I'm not just gonna
open up for him
449
00:21:03,814 --> 00:21:04,917
just 'cause it's Osama, but--
450
00:21:05,021 --> 00:21:06,572
- You wanna be
taken out to dinner.
451
00:21:06,676 --> 00:21:08,952
- Yeah, I wanna be
taken out to dinner...
452
00:21:13,607 --> 00:21:15,365
- Mommy,
why is that man doing that?
453
00:21:15,469 --> 00:21:18,779
- Because 16 years ago,
terrorists attacked our nation.
454
00:21:22,538 --> 00:21:25,021
- Mm, mm, mm.
33935
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