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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:11,158 --> 00:00:12,572 - Don't you just love the holidays? 2 00:00:12,676 --> 00:00:14,055 - The only holiday I respect is Mother's Day, 3 00:00:14,158 --> 00:00:15,469 'cause I feel directly responsible 4 00:00:15,572 --> 00:00:17,641 for my mother's pain. - You do have a huge head. 5 00:00:17,745 --> 00:00:20,365 I'll bet your birthday causes your mom PTSD. 6 00:00:20,469 --> 00:00:22,434 - Maybe I'll just get Kate and John gift cards. 7 00:00:22,538 --> 00:00:23,848 - You're asking for a promotion. 8 00:00:23,952 --> 00:00:25,538 You gotta get 'em something better than a gift card. 9 00:00:25,641 --> 00:00:27,158 - No way. Gift cards are the perfect way 10 00:00:27,262 --> 00:00:28,365 to show someone you don't care about 11 00:00:28,469 --> 00:00:29,986 that you really care about them. 12 00:00:30,089 --> 00:00:31,434 Wait, you're getting reimbursed 13 00:00:31,538 --> 00:00:32,848 for the decorations for the office party, right? 14 00:00:32,952 --> 00:00:33,986 - No, but it's fine. 15 00:00:34,089 --> 00:00:37,021 - Okay, that'll be $837.98. 16 00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:38,952 - Jesus! Fucking. Fuck you. 17 00:00:39,055 --> 00:00:40,538 What! Whoa! 18 00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,400 Okay. 19 00:00:42,503 --> 00:00:44,572 - Sir, if you're not gonna buy that, please put it down. 20 00:00:44,676 --> 00:00:47,469 - Wow, just some more casual anti-Semitism thrown in my face. 21 00:00:47,572 --> 00:00:49,296 - I don't like him, either. 22 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:51,469 - Holiday gift giving is bullshit forced generosity. 23 00:00:51,572 --> 00:00:52,710 If I get gifts for people, 24 00:00:52,814 --> 00:00:53,883 I'm just doing what I'm supposed to. 25 00:00:53,986 --> 00:00:55,641 If I don't get gifts for people, I'm an asshole 26 00:00:55,745 --> 00:00:57,607 for not participating in a made-up corporate holiday. 27 00:00:57,710 --> 00:00:59,158 It's a trap, and I'm a victim. 28 00:00:59,262 --> 00:01:00,745 - No, holidays are good. 29 00:01:00,848 --> 00:01:02,538 They're your one chance to make up for being 30 00:01:02,641 --> 00:01:04,779 a huge disappointment the rest of the year. 31 00:01:04,883 --> 00:01:06,641 - Make this a September to remember 32 00:01:06,745 --> 00:01:08,503 by getting twin touch screen Obelisks 33 00:01:08,607 --> 00:01:10,158 for the price of one. 34 00:01:14,503 --> 00:01:17,296 - I don't know. Something about Remember Day 35 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:18,710 just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. 36 00:01:40,331 --> 00:01:42,676 - Yesterday will always be remembered 37 00:01:42,779 --> 00:01:46,503 as a somber day in American history. 38 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:51,227 Now more than ever, Americans need to shop 39 00:01:51,331 --> 00:01:54,193 at Hampton Deville affiliated stores. 40 00:01:54,296 --> 00:01:56,779 We have a moral duty as a company 41 00:01:56,883 --> 00:01:58,434 to monetize this tragedy, 42 00:01:58,538 --> 00:02:00,434 because if we don't, 43 00:02:00,538 --> 00:02:03,572 the terrorists win. 44 00:02:05,262 --> 00:02:07,434 - Excuse me, Christian? 45 00:02:07,538 --> 00:02:08,572 We have an idea. 46 00:02:11,814 --> 00:02:15,227 Why do people celebrate Christmas? 47 00:02:15,331 --> 00:02:16,779 - Trauma. 48 00:02:16,883 --> 00:02:19,193 Americans fight through hell all year, 49 00:02:19,296 --> 00:02:21,986 and to reward themselves at the end of it, 50 00:02:22,089 --> 00:02:23,331 they buy gifts. 51 00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:25,262 - Hallmark invented Valentine's Day; 52 00:02:25,365 --> 00:02:27,262 Walmart invented the Fourth of July; 53 00:02:27,365 --> 00:02:28,365 and Harbor Day, as we all know, 54 00:02:28,469 --> 00:02:31,434 was invented by Carl's Jr. - Carl's Jr. 55 00:02:31,538 --> 00:02:34,365 - So we think it's time for Hampton DeVille 56 00:02:34,469 --> 00:02:36,883 to create its own holiday. 57 00:02:39,469 --> 00:02:40,917 - What are your names? 58 00:02:41,021 --> 00:02:44,331 - Kate. - Shawn. 59 00:02:44,434 --> 00:02:46,710 - Kate and John... 60 00:02:46,814 --> 00:02:48,710 - Oh-- 61 00:02:48,814 --> 00:02:49,952 - That's... 62 00:02:50,055 --> 00:02:51,917 an excellent idea. 63 00:02:54,434 --> 00:02:57,331 2000 years ago, Jesus Christ was crucified, 64 00:02:57,434 --> 00:02:59,434 and now every Easter, people buy 65 00:02:59,538 --> 00:03:02,021 millions of dollars worth of chocolate bunnies. 66 00:03:02,124 --> 00:03:04,193 Starting today, we are going to plant the seeds 67 00:03:04,296 --> 00:03:05,434 for a new holiday. 68 00:03:05,538 --> 00:03:07,365 We just have to wait until the time is right. 69 00:03:07,469 --> 00:03:09,262 This can't feel opportunistic. 70 00:03:09,365 --> 00:03:10,883 It has to come straight from the heart. 71 00:03:10,986 --> 00:03:11,883 I'm thinking... 72 00:03:14,296 --> 00:03:17,400 20 years seems appropriate. 73 00:03:19,503 --> 00:03:22,331 both: It's Remember Day! 74 00:03:24,262 --> 00:03:27,538 - In studio with us today, we have Hampton DeVille CEO, 75 00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:28,883 Christian DeVille. 76 00:03:28,986 --> 00:03:30,883 both: Hey, Christian. - It's great to be here. 77 00:03:30,986 --> 00:03:32,331 You know, I'm a big fan of the show. 78 00:03:32,434 --> 00:03:33,434 - Ooh! - Cheers. 79 00:03:33,538 --> 00:03:35,124 - Ch-ching, ch-ching. - Yay. 80 00:03:35,227 --> 00:03:38,365 - Fun fact: Hampton DeVille actually coined the phrase, 81 00:03:38,469 --> 00:03:41,641 "Remember Day," so I guess that kinda makes you 82 00:03:41,745 --> 00:03:44,331 the Santa Claus of this holiday. 83 00:03:44,434 --> 00:03:46,055 - I like that. - So Hampton DeVille 84 00:03:46,158 --> 00:03:49,262 cares about all Americans, and wants to give back. 85 00:03:49,365 --> 00:03:50,917 That's why you'll find great deals 86 00:03:51,021 --> 00:03:53,021 on all Hampton DeVille products today. 87 00:03:53,124 --> 00:03:54,124 And with every purchase, 88 00:03:54,227 --> 00:03:56,572 you'll receive a red Remember Day string, 89 00:03:56,676 --> 00:03:58,434 and we suggest you tie it around your finger 90 00:03:58,538 --> 00:04:01,158 to help you to remember. 91 00:04:01,262 --> 00:04:04,262 - If I have any more white wine, I won't remember anything. 92 00:04:04,365 --> 00:04:05,952 - I might black out. 93 00:04:06,055 --> 00:04:08,158 - Okay, let's go a pinch more to the right. 94 00:04:08,262 --> 00:04:09,607 No, to the right. 95 00:04:09,710 --> 00:04:11,676 And... - Whoops. 96 00:04:11,779 --> 00:04:13,296 - Grace... - Matt, chill out. 97 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:14,572 This is an office holiday party 98 00:04:14,676 --> 00:04:17,021 for a bunch of bosses and employees 99 00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:19,331 who make fun of you in email threads behind your back. 100 00:04:19,434 --> 00:04:20,952 - My coworkers are my family. 101 00:04:21,055 --> 00:04:22,986 I know that, because they constantly mistreat me, 102 00:04:23,089 --> 00:04:24,503 and I desperately need their approval. 103 00:04:24,607 --> 00:04:26,296 - Hey, so what's the deal with the elephant? 104 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,021 - It's the Remember Day Memory Elephant. 105 00:04:28,124 --> 00:04:29,262 It helps you never forget. 106 00:04:29,365 --> 00:04:31,469 But wait, it's supposed to be red, white, and blue. 107 00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:33,710 - Uh, the store only had grey elephants, 108 00:04:33,814 --> 00:04:35,607 because that's the color that elephants are. 109 00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:37,641 - Okay, well, I don't have time for your excuses. 110 00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:39,021 The party starts in two hours, 111 00:04:39,124 --> 00:04:40,745 so I need you to go get some art supplies 112 00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:41,883 and paint that elephant American. 113 00:04:41,986 --> 00:04:44,848 - Jeez, why is this so important to you? 114 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,607 - Why is this so important to you? 115 00:04:47,710 --> 00:04:50,745 - Because, Roger, you forgot to buy the Christmas ham. 116 00:04:50,848 --> 00:04:52,124 That was our Christmas dinner. 117 00:04:52,227 --> 00:04:54,434 Without it, we don't have Christmas, so good job! 118 00:04:54,538 --> 00:04:56,296 - Oh, don't go blaming this on me. 119 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:57,572 - Would you keep your voice down? 120 00:04:57,676 --> 00:04:59,124 I don't want Matt to hear you. 121 00:04:59,227 --> 00:05:00,434 - I want him to hear us. 122 00:05:00,538 --> 00:05:02,089 Ever since he's moved back in here, 123 00:05:02,193 --> 00:05:03,814 our marriage has been falling apart! 124 00:05:03,917 --> 00:05:06,469 - Well, you know what I want for Christmas? A divorce! 125 00:05:06,572 --> 00:05:08,779 - Well, ho, ho, ho, and call me Santa Claus, 126 00:05:08,883 --> 00:05:10,365 because I'm giving you your wish. 127 00:05:10,469 --> 00:05:11,538 - Matt? 128 00:05:11,641 --> 00:05:13,365 What were you just thinking about? 129 00:05:13,469 --> 00:05:15,745 - Nothing. All I know is that 130 00:05:15,848 --> 00:05:18,572 holidays hold the potential to ruin lives, 131 00:05:18,676 --> 00:05:20,676 and I won't let that happen today. 132 00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:24,538 - Okay, whatever, I'll go paint the elephant. 133 00:05:24,641 --> 00:05:26,262 Thank you, Paige. 134 00:05:29,503 --> 00:05:31,021 Grace, higher. 135 00:05:31,124 --> 00:05:33,227 - Matt, I'm short, you tall monster. 136 00:05:33,331 --> 00:05:34,572 - Okay, I'll do it then. 137 00:05:34,676 --> 00:05:35,952 - Coming up after the break, 138 00:05:36,055 --> 00:05:38,883 we've got a celebrity chef, Theresa Marticinni. 139 00:05:38,986 --> 00:05:41,124 She's gonna be making us traditional Remember Day goose. 140 00:05:43,814 --> 00:05:44,917 - Thank you, Christian! - Toodles. 141 00:05:45,021 --> 00:05:46,089 - My pleasure. 142 00:05:46,193 --> 00:05:51,089 - Let me just get this mic off of you real quick. 143 00:05:51,193 --> 00:05:52,434 And while I got you here, 144 00:05:52,538 --> 00:05:55,883 I just want you know, I think you're a sick piece of shit. 145 00:05:55,986 --> 00:05:58,434 - Excuse me? 146 00:05:58,538 --> 00:05:59,779 Do you know who you're speaking to? 147 00:05:59,883 --> 00:06:01,986 - Yeah, a sick piece of shit, who's totally comfortable 148 00:06:02,089 --> 00:06:04,124 exploiting emotionally vulnerable people 149 00:06:04,227 --> 00:06:05,469 to get a quick buck. 150 00:06:05,572 --> 00:06:08,779 Fuck you, Santa Claus. 151 00:06:08,883 --> 00:06:11,365 How do you live with yourself? 152 00:06:22,365 --> 00:06:24,607 - Kate... 153 00:06:24,710 --> 00:06:27,089 Hey, Kate. - I'm right here. 154 00:06:28,848 --> 00:06:31,193 - Did you get your Remember Day bonus yet? 155 00:06:31,296 --> 00:06:33,814 - No. Did you? 156 00:06:33,917 --> 00:06:35,124 - You don't think he's forgotten 157 00:06:35,227 --> 00:06:36,952 that this holiday was our idea, do you? 158 00:06:37,055 --> 00:06:39,538 - On Remember Day? 159 00:06:39,641 --> 00:06:41,021 Okay, Jake, you're gonna go in there, 160 00:06:41,124 --> 00:06:43,434 and be confident and direct, and exude raw sexual energy, 161 00:06:43,538 --> 00:06:45,883 which nobody can deny. Let's go. 162 00:06:47,021 --> 00:06:49,779 Oh, my God, perfect. You're both here. 163 00:06:49,883 --> 00:06:53,572 First of all, Happy Remember Day. 164 00:06:53,676 --> 00:06:56,676 - Aww, thank you, Jake. - Aww. 165 00:06:56,779 --> 00:06:58,021 - I'll get straight to the point. 166 00:06:58,124 --> 00:07:00,193 Listen, I've been a Junior Executive in Training 167 00:07:00,296 --> 00:07:01,365 for about five years now, 168 00:07:01,469 --> 00:07:03,503 and it's technically a one-year program, 169 00:07:03,607 --> 00:07:05,607 so wow. 170 00:07:05,710 --> 00:07:07,021 Anyway, I am all trained up, 171 00:07:07,124 --> 00:07:09,434 and I'm ready to be a Junior Executive. 172 00:07:09,538 --> 00:07:10,848 As my mentors, 173 00:07:10,952 --> 00:07:13,158 promoting me would be a huge win for both of you. 174 00:07:13,262 --> 00:07:15,814 I'm your Shamu, you're my SeaWorld, 175 00:07:15,917 --> 00:07:17,641 and let's just pretend Blackfish never happened. 176 00:07:17,745 --> 00:07:19,365 Who cares about whales? I don't. 177 00:07:19,469 --> 00:07:20,917 - First of all, Jake, 178 00:07:21,021 --> 00:07:23,572 we're surprised it took you this long to ask. 179 00:07:23,676 --> 00:07:27,434 - Unfortunately, the answer is no. 180 00:07:27,538 --> 00:07:28,607 - Jake, here are the reasons 181 00:07:28,710 --> 00:07:30,055 you will not be getting this promotion. 182 00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:31,814 You come into work with cat hair on your suit. 183 00:07:31,917 --> 00:07:33,158 - So much cat hair that I'm sometimes like, 184 00:07:33,262 --> 00:07:34,538 "What's going on here?" - What's going on? 185 00:07:34,641 --> 00:07:35,572 What's happening? 186 00:07:35,676 --> 00:07:37,883 - Unfortunately, the answer is no. 187 00:07:37,986 --> 00:07:40,055 We're not gonna sign you to our record label. 188 00:07:40,158 --> 00:07:42,021 And can I give you some advice? 189 00:07:42,124 --> 00:07:44,089 - No. I'm here to rock. 190 00:07:44,193 --> 00:07:45,848 The music industry has gone corporate. 191 00:07:45,952 --> 00:07:48,193 Fuck corporate America. 192 00:07:48,296 --> 00:07:50,503 Two, three, four. 193 00:07:50,607 --> 00:07:52,986 ♪ America is a corporation 194 00:07:53,089 --> 00:07:56,055 ♪ And I hate my supportive parents ♪ 195 00:07:56,158 --> 00:07:58,952 ♪ North Korea is better than America ♪ 196 00:07:59,055 --> 00:08:02,055 ♪ And I can't pay my student loans ♪ 197 00:08:02,158 --> 00:08:04,848 - And Baron showed us a video of your rap rock band, 198 00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:06,055 so there's that. - Yikes. 199 00:08:06,158 --> 00:08:08,814 - Quite frankly, you're lucky to even have a job. 200 00:08:08,917 --> 00:08:10,365 - ♪ Gift card - Wow. 201 00:08:10,469 --> 00:08:12,296 - How much is on it? 202 00:08:15,158 --> 00:08:15,848 - All right, just wanna double-check we have everything. 203 00:08:15,952 --> 00:08:17,745 We've got Remember Nog; 204 00:08:17,848 --> 00:08:19,883 Paige painted the elephant; 205 00:08:19,986 --> 00:08:23,193 and you got the Remember-- - Grace, I got it, okay? 206 00:08:23,296 --> 00:08:25,848 I'm not gonna screw this up. - I'm gonna screw you up! 207 00:08:25,952 --> 00:08:27,469 I hate this bullshit holiday-- 208 00:08:31,089 --> 00:08:32,089 - Be careful up there. 209 00:08:36,227 --> 00:08:38,779 - Hi, Dad--I mean, Mr. DeVille. 210 00:08:38,883 --> 00:08:41,503 Happy Remember Day. - Thank you. 211 00:08:41,607 --> 00:08:44,434 Can I ask you a question, uh... 212 00:08:44,538 --> 00:08:46,607 - Matt. - Pat... 213 00:08:46,710 --> 00:08:49,331 what do you think about this holiday? 214 00:08:49,434 --> 00:08:50,745 - I love it. 215 00:08:50,848 --> 00:08:52,745 Christmas kinda got ruined for me, 216 00:08:52,848 --> 00:08:55,193 so this holiday means a lot to me. 217 00:08:55,296 --> 00:08:58,296 I mean, I went into a $1,000 credit card debt 218 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,021 buying all the decorations for this party, 219 00:09:00,124 --> 00:09:02,262 but that's what it's all about, right? 220 00:09:02,365 --> 00:09:04,296 - Honestly, Pat, 221 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:07,055 I don't know what it's all about anymore. 222 00:09:07,158 --> 00:09:09,262 This morning, someone made me think about this holiday 223 00:09:09,365 --> 00:09:10,952 a little differently, and now... 224 00:09:11,055 --> 00:09:15,193 Quite frankly... 225 00:09:15,296 --> 00:09:17,710 I'm spinning out of control... 226 00:09:17,814 --> 00:09:18,607 emotionally. 227 00:09:18,710 --> 00:09:21,745 - Oh, well, 228 00:09:21,848 --> 00:09:23,331 you should come to the party later. 229 00:09:23,434 --> 00:09:25,572 I planned the whole thing. We're gonna have Remember Nog. 230 00:09:25,676 --> 00:09:28,538 - Maybe I'll stop by. 231 00:09:30,538 --> 00:09:31,503 - Oh, and we're cooking 232 00:09:31,607 --> 00:09:33,434 a traditional Remember Day goose, so... 233 00:09:36,538 --> 00:09:37,400 Goose... 234 00:09:43,710 --> 00:09:47,193 Oh, holy Christ in heaven, I forgot the goose. 235 00:09:52,089 --> 00:09:53,986 - So I asked for that promotion, and guess what? 236 00:09:54,089 --> 00:09:55,262 - Jake, I don't have time for you right now, okay? 237 00:09:55,365 --> 00:09:57,400 I have to redeem my father-- I mean, Christian. 238 00:09:57,503 --> 00:09:59,848 Listen, stop questioning me right now, okay? 239 00:09:59,952 --> 00:10:02,434 All I know is I need to get a goose. 240 00:10:09,158 --> 00:10:12,572 - This Remember Day, show her you really care 241 00:10:12,676 --> 00:10:14,952 by giving her the gift she'll always remember 242 00:10:15,055 --> 00:10:16,503 and never forget, 243 00:10:16,607 --> 00:10:19,193 because she won't be able to stop remembering. 244 00:10:19,296 --> 00:10:21,883 - Here you go. Next! 245 00:10:21,986 --> 00:10:23,469 - Listen, I know it's last minute, 246 00:10:23,572 --> 00:10:24,814 but I need a goose. 247 00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:27,124 - You gotta be a real fucking idiot 248 00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:29,917 not to order a goose before Remember Day. 249 00:10:30,021 --> 00:10:32,952 What are you? A grade-A bozo? 250 00:10:33,055 --> 00:10:34,986 You got spaghetti and meatballs for brains? 251 00:10:35,089 --> 00:10:37,262 Did you get dropped as a child? 252 00:10:37,365 --> 00:10:39,124 Or did God just think it would be funny 253 00:10:39,227 --> 00:10:43,124 to put mashed fucking potatoes in your skull? 254 00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:45,262 - What's happening right now? - Doesn't matter. 255 00:10:45,365 --> 00:10:48,331 That old lady got the last goose. 256 00:10:48,434 --> 00:10:49,986 You fucking idiot! 257 00:10:50,089 --> 00:10:53,089 Get a life, you fucking moron! - Excuse me... 258 00:10:53,193 --> 00:10:55,021 Excuse me, miss, I'm sorry to bother you, 259 00:10:55,124 --> 00:10:58,055 and this is gonna sound crazy, but I need that goose. 260 00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,607 - I've got a Taser. 261 00:10:59,710 --> 00:11:02,745 - Okay, uh, well, uh, listen, I'll--I'll buy it off you. 262 00:11:02,848 --> 00:11:04,158 I'll--I'll give you $200. 263 00:11:04,262 --> 00:11:05,779 - Fuck you. Go to rehab. 264 00:11:05,883 --> 00:11:07,572 - Okay, ey--hey, excuse me. Listen to me. 265 00:11:07,676 --> 00:11:08,676 Listen to me, I'm sorry, 266 00:11:08,779 --> 00:11:11,331 but this is really important to me. 267 00:11:11,434 --> 00:11:12,779 It's Remember Day, 268 00:11:12,883 --> 00:11:14,952 and as Americans, we need to learn to come together more... 269 00:11:15,055 --> 00:11:17,262 - Hey! Hey! Hey! - And just really--hey! 270 00:11:17,365 --> 00:11:19,021 Hold on! Ow! 271 00:11:19,124 --> 00:11:21,262 God, you didn't have to do-- 272 00:11:25,296 --> 00:11:27,676 - I'll never forget where I was when I found out. 273 00:11:27,779 --> 00:11:31,262 I was eating a bacon, egg, and cheese croissant in my car. 274 00:11:31,365 --> 00:11:33,158 I was so upset, I couldn't even finish it. 275 00:11:33,262 --> 00:11:34,814 - Hm. 276 00:11:34,917 --> 00:11:36,469 - I lied. 277 00:11:36,572 --> 00:11:38,055 I totally finished it. 278 00:11:38,158 --> 00:11:39,986 But I felt bad. 279 00:11:40,089 --> 00:11:42,262 I think the mayo was expired. 280 00:11:42,365 --> 00:11:44,883 - I was actually, like, 281 00:11:44,986 --> 00:11:46,607 dead in the middle of losing my virginity 282 00:11:46,710 --> 00:11:48,883 when it all happened. 283 00:11:48,986 --> 00:11:50,262 Yeah, the news came on the TV, 284 00:11:50,365 --> 00:11:51,641 and, well, long story short, 285 00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:56,814 uh, I've had a lot of sexual problems ever since... 286 00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:59,469 - Hm. - So... 287 00:11:59,572 --> 00:12:00,745 - What about you, Paige? 288 00:12:00,848 --> 00:12:03,089 - Oh, I actually can't remember where I was that day. 289 00:12:03,193 --> 00:12:06,986 - How's that possible? - I was six years old. 290 00:12:07,089 --> 00:12:09,848 - Fuck you. - Hm. 291 00:12:11,434 --> 00:12:12,676 - Hey, Jake, what's wrong? 292 00:12:12,779 --> 00:12:15,227 Besides everything that's happening around us. 293 00:12:15,331 --> 00:12:17,296 - Oh, I don't know, let's see. 294 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,158 I've worked here for five years, can't get a promotion. 295 00:12:19,262 --> 00:12:22,227 Nobody here cares about me, 296 00:12:22,331 --> 00:12:24,262 not even Matt. 297 00:12:24,365 --> 00:12:25,779 My cat stopped sleeping in bed with me, 298 00:12:25,883 --> 00:12:28,538 and I can't figure out why, and it's destroying me! 299 00:12:30,227 --> 00:12:32,986 So in summary, I think I'm gonna quit. 300 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:37,883 - Whoops. 301 00:12:37,986 --> 00:12:39,124 Totally should've said something there. 302 00:12:56,262 --> 00:12:57,883 - You forgot to buy the Christmas ham. 303 00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:59,745 - Oh, don't go blaming this on me. 304 00:12:59,848 --> 00:13:02,710 - You know what I want for Christmas? A divorce! 305 00:13:02,814 --> 00:13:05,607 - Well, ho, ho, ho, and call me Santa Claus, 306 00:13:05,710 --> 00:13:07,296 because I'm giving you your wish. 307 00:13:15,262 --> 00:13:17,676 both: Happy Remember Day! 308 00:13:17,779 --> 00:13:19,021 - Well, it's taken 16 years, 309 00:13:19,124 --> 00:13:21,296 but I think our little holiday is finally taking off. 310 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,572 Interest on store-bought credit cards is through the roof. 311 00:13:23,676 --> 00:13:26,365 - Next year, I think we can go ahead with the parade. 312 00:13:26,469 --> 00:13:28,262 - That's great news. - Quick side note-slash- 313 00:13:28,365 --> 00:13:29,641 awkwardly straightforward question, 314 00:13:29,745 --> 00:13:30,848 John and I were wondering 315 00:13:30,952 --> 00:13:33,883 when we can expect our Remember Day bonuses. 316 00:13:33,986 --> 00:13:36,055 - Is money all you can think about? 317 00:13:37,296 --> 00:13:40,331 It's fucking Remember Day. 318 00:13:46,779 --> 00:13:49,434 - I got the goose. 319 00:13:54,158 --> 00:13:57,227 - I brought the goose, okay? 320 00:13:57,331 --> 00:13:59,193 I didn't forget. There it is. 321 00:13:59,296 --> 00:14:01,779 So now we can all have fun and enjoy ourselves. 322 00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:03,158 Remember Day isn't ruined. 323 00:14:03,262 --> 00:14:06,400 - That's a swan. - Did you kill that swan? 324 00:14:06,503 --> 00:14:08,021 - Oh, don't go blaming this on me! 325 00:14:08,124 --> 00:14:11,779 I did unforgivable things to bring you people this goose, 326 00:14:11,883 --> 00:14:14,572 so somebody's gonna cook it, and we're gonna eat it, 327 00:14:14,676 --> 00:14:17,227 because Hampton DeVille is a family, God damn it. 328 00:14:18,814 --> 00:14:22,538 My parents got divorced on Christmas last year. 329 00:14:22,641 --> 00:14:25,779 - Nobody touch the dead swan. It looks diseased. 330 00:14:28,745 --> 00:14:31,055 - I think what I learned is that I have some repressed trauma, 331 00:14:31,158 --> 00:14:34,262 and I really tapped into that today. 332 00:14:34,365 --> 00:14:36,331 - Matt, I want you to know that 333 00:14:36,434 --> 00:14:39,779 there is nothing you can do to make this right, 334 00:14:39,883 --> 00:14:42,676 and you will go to your grave a swan murderer. 335 00:14:42,779 --> 00:14:43,883 - That's fair. 336 00:14:43,986 --> 00:14:45,986 - But there's someone who needs you right now. 337 00:14:46,089 --> 00:14:47,296 Jake didn't get the promotion, 338 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:48,641 and he's thinking about leaving the company. 339 00:14:48,745 --> 00:14:52,124 - Oh, no, he tried to talk to me earlier, but I was-- 340 00:14:52,227 --> 00:14:54,331 - Premeditating a swan murder. 341 00:14:54,434 --> 00:14:56,158 But let's not retread the past. 342 00:14:56,262 --> 00:14:59,193 Jake needs you, and I can't help him, 343 00:14:59,296 --> 00:15:02,503 because I just don't feel like it. 344 00:15:12,572 --> 00:15:14,676 - You're in my chair. 345 00:15:14,779 --> 00:15:16,986 - Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I-I will leave. 346 00:15:19,469 --> 00:15:21,331 - Sit back down. 347 00:15:31,296 --> 00:15:32,917 What's your name again? - Jake. 348 00:15:33,021 --> 00:15:36,538 - Cake. - Um-- 349 00:15:36,641 --> 00:15:38,227 - You wanna sit at the big table, don't you, Cake? 350 00:15:38,331 --> 00:15:40,055 - More than I've ever wanted anything. 351 00:15:40,158 --> 00:15:42,227 - Let me ask you a question. 352 00:15:42,331 --> 00:15:46,296 Do you think Santa Claus is happy? 353 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,365 - I'm pretty Jewish, so... 354 00:15:48,469 --> 00:15:50,365 - I don't think Santa's happy. 355 00:15:50,469 --> 00:15:54,262 I mean, maybe he started out happy, 356 00:15:54,365 --> 00:15:57,296 but he wanted to bring joy to the world, 357 00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,814 so he created Christmas. 358 00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:01,779 But after he went down enough chimneys, 359 00:16:01,883 --> 00:16:04,503 he found out not everyone likes Christmas, 360 00:16:04,607 --> 00:16:08,400 that some people are Jewish or Democrats, 361 00:16:08,503 --> 00:16:12,848 or they think Christmas shouldn't be about gifts. 362 00:16:12,952 --> 00:16:17,331 So now Santa lives all alone at the North Pole, 363 00:16:17,434 --> 00:16:22,710 surrounded by elves and reindeer he underpays and doesn't trust, 364 00:16:22,814 --> 00:16:28,917 and he can't tell anymore if Christmas is good or bad. 365 00:16:29,952 --> 00:16:31,883 Trust me, 366 00:16:31,986 --> 00:16:35,572 Santa Claus isn't happy. 367 00:16:35,676 --> 00:16:39,814 You're better off being a dirty fucking elf. 368 00:16:41,262 --> 00:16:44,021 Is that cat hair on your suit? 369 00:16:45,296 --> 00:16:47,814 - Yes. - I love cats. 370 00:16:47,917 --> 00:16:49,262 - Me, too. 371 00:16:49,365 --> 00:16:52,986 - Now I'd like you to leave. - Got it. 372 00:16:59,538 --> 00:17:01,331 - Jesus! Fuck! Sorry. 373 00:17:01,434 --> 00:17:04,572 Uh, I've had a bit of an emotional day. 374 00:17:04,676 --> 00:17:08,365 - Oh, well, I understand. 375 00:17:08,469 --> 00:17:09,607 Say, what have you got there? 376 00:17:09,710 --> 00:17:13,607 - Oh, well, there's one person in this office 377 00:17:13,710 --> 00:17:14,952 who had a worst day than me, 378 00:17:15,055 --> 00:17:17,503 and I thought this would cheer him up. 379 00:17:17,607 --> 00:17:19,227 - You--you mean me? 380 00:17:32,158 --> 00:17:33,158 A guitar. 381 00:17:33,262 --> 00:17:36,710 But I don't play. - Oh. 382 00:17:36,814 --> 00:17:40,538 - Why would you do such a nice thing for me? 383 00:17:40,641 --> 00:17:44,227 - Because it's Remember Day? 384 00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:48,400 - Thank you, Pat. - Yeah, okay. 385 00:17:52,503 --> 00:17:53,814 - No, you--you are such a good 386 00:17:53,917 --> 00:17:56,400 - Shawn, the way you fired that guy that one time was so-- 387 00:17:56,503 --> 00:17:57,503 - Hey, hey. 388 00:17:57,607 --> 00:18:00,262 - Christian... 389 00:18:00,365 --> 00:18:02,124 We have something to say to you. - Yeah. 390 00:18:02,227 --> 00:18:05,124 And what she says may or may not reflect my own viewpoint. 391 00:18:05,227 --> 00:18:08,227 - Wait, before you do, I have something to say. 392 00:18:08,331 --> 00:18:09,710 Up until a few moments ago, 393 00:18:09,814 --> 00:18:12,055 I had forgotten the true meaning of Remember Day. 394 00:18:12,158 --> 00:18:13,124 - Huh? - Hm? 395 00:18:13,227 --> 00:18:14,848 - Appreciating the people in your life 396 00:18:14,952 --> 00:18:16,883 by giving them what they care about most. 397 00:18:22,745 --> 00:18:26,400 - I will never forget that Remember Day was your idea. 398 00:18:26,503 --> 00:18:27,331 - Yeah? - Yes. 399 00:18:27,434 --> 00:18:29,227 - Yeah? - Aw! 400 00:18:31,779 --> 00:18:34,986 - This feels good, doesn't it? both: Yeah. 401 00:18:38,055 --> 00:18:39,848 - Hey, Jake. 402 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,055 - Hey, Matt. 403 00:18:41,158 --> 00:18:42,331 - Grace told me you didn't get the promotion. 404 00:18:42,434 --> 00:18:45,124 I'm sorry I wasn't there for you earlier, 405 00:18:45,227 --> 00:18:47,296 but you're my best friend, 406 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,779 or best work friend, 407 00:18:49,883 --> 00:18:53,124 and I'm here for you now. - Honestly, man, 408 00:18:53,227 --> 00:18:55,158 I know I'm kind of a nightmare to be around in general, 409 00:18:55,262 --> 00:18:57,676 so don't worry about it. 410 00:18:57,779 --> 00:18:59,641 - So you're gonna quit? 411 00:18:59,745 --> 00:19:02,469 I was thinking about it, but I kinda realized that 412 00:19:02,572 --> 00:19:03,917 I'd rather be miserable at my job 413 00:19:04,021 --> 00:19:05,986 and be able to afford a one-bedroom apartment 414 00:19:06,089 --> 00:19:08,779 than follow my dreams and live in a studio apartment. 415 00:19:08,883 --> 00:19:10,538 - Capitalism is a prison. 416 00:19:10,641 --> 00:19:12,745 - So should we hug now? 417 00:19:12,848 --> 00:19:13,676 - I would like to hug. 418 00:19:18,814 --> 00:19:21,400 Why do you feel wet and smell like death? 419 00:19:21,503 --> 00:19:22,262 - I don't wanna talk about it. 420 00:19:25,227 --> 00:19:26,400 - I am so glad that I will spend this night 421 00:19:26,503 --> 00:19:28,021 with the people I care about the most. 422 00:19:29,779 --> 00:19:31,779 - Oh, I have to go meet them in a minute, 423 00:19:31,883 --> 00:19:36,055 but first, I wanna play something. 424 00:19:41,986 --> 00:19:47,710 ♪ Try to remember the kind of September ♪ 425 00:19:47,814 --> 00:19:54,021 ♪ When life was slow and oh, so mellow ♪ 426 00:19:54,124 --> 00:20:00,055 ♪ Try to remember the kind of September ♪ 427 00:20:00,158 --> 00:20:04,745 ♪ When grass was green and grain was yellow ♪ 428 00:20:04,848 --> 00:20:08,262 - I'm never gonna forget this. 429 00:20:08,365 --> 00:20:09,952 - Well, Harold, 430 00:20:10,055 --> 00:20:13,986 today I beat up a drug addict who tried to steal our dinner. 431 00:20:18,296 --> 00:20:23,676 - ♪ Try to remember and if you remember ♪ 432 00:20:23,779 --> 00:20:25,883 ♪ Then follow 433 00:20:25,986 --> 00:20:29,124 both: ♪ Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow ♪ 434 00:20:29,227 --> 00:20:30,572 both: ♪ Follow, follow 435 00:20:33,021 --> 00:20:37,124 And that's what Remember Day's all about. 436 00:20:41,814 --> 00:20:42,572 - Broke into Kate and John's offices, 437 00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:44,089 stole my gift cards back. 438 00:20:44,193 --> 00:20:47,572 - Oh, well, I mean, this is an utterly meaningless gesture, 439 00:20:47,676 --> 00:20:49,503 but I appreciate that it comes from you. 440 00:20:49,607 --> 00:20:50,676 - Hypothetical question, 441 00:20:50,779 --> 00:20:52,089 you get invited to Osama Bin Laden's 442 00:20:52,193 --> 00:20:53,883 birthday party, what do you get the guy? 443 00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:55,227 - Gift card. - Absolutely. 444 00:20:55,331 --> 00:20:58,676 - Okay, hypothetical question, Osama Bin Laden is alive, 445 00:20:58,779 --> 00:21:00,227 and he wants to have sex with you. 446 00:21:00,331 --> 00:21:01,538 What do you do? 447 00:21:01,641 --> 00:21:02,745 - I don't know, he's gotta woo me first. 448 00:21:02,848 --> 00:21:03,710 I'm not just gonna open up for him 449 00:21:03,814 --> 00:21:04,917 just 'cause it's Osama, but-- 450 00:21:05,021 --> 00:21:06,572 - You wanna be taken out to dinner. 451 00:21:06,676 --> 00:21:08,952 - Yeah, I wanna be taken out to dinner... 452 00:21:13,607 --> 00:21:15,365 - Mommy, why is that man doing that? 453 00:21:15,469 --> 00:21:18,779 - Because 16 years ago, terrorists attacked our nation. 454 00:21:22,538 --> 00:21:25,021 - Mm, mm, mm. 33935

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