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[WIND HOWLING]
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00:00:26,598 --> 00:00:31,598
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
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00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,776
[JAIL CELL DOORS MOVING]
4
00:00:43,809 --> 00:00:45,578
[GRUNTING]
5
00:00:46,745 --> 00:00:47,846
MAN: One.
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00:00:49,380 --> 00:00:51,617
[GRUNTS]
7
00:00:53,785 --> 00:00:54,853
Two.
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00:00:57,022 --> 00:00:59,792
PRISON WARDEN: Smallwood!
You're free to go!
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00:00:59,825 --> 00:01:02,328
Merry Christmas,
ya filthy animal.
10
00:01:03,395 --> 00:01:05,531
[BELLS RING]
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00:01:05,564 --> 00:01:08,534
♪ Well, it's Christmas
12
00:01:08,567 --> 00:01:11,837
♪ In outer space
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00:01:11,870 --> 00:01:16,776
♪ And darling
I don't see your face
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00:01:16,808 --> 00:01:19,811
♪ There'll be no kissing
15
00:01:19,844 --> 00:01:22,447
♪ Under the mistletoe
16
00:01:22,481 --> 00:01:25,684
♪ 'Cause I'm missin' the Earth
17
00:01:25,718 --> 00:01:28,721
♪ Down below-oh, ho ho
18
00:01:28,754 --> 00:01:30,856
♪ Oh, it's Christmas
19
00:01:30,888 --> 00:01:33,925
♪ In outer space
20
00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:36,996
♪ So honey do you love
21
00:01:37,028 --> 00:01:39,497
♪ The fireplace
22
00:01:39,531 --> 00:01:42,401
♪ I'll try to stay home
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00:01:42,433 --> 00:01:45,036
♪ Without your love
24
00:01:45,070 --> 00:01:50,743
♪ I'm a rodent, alone up above
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00:01:50,775 --> 00:01:53,611
♪ There'll be no presents
26
00:01:53,644 --> 00:01:56,881
♪ Under the tree
27
00:01:56,915 --> 00:02:02,020
♪ Cause they can't
stay there with no gravity
28
00:02:02,053 --> 00:02:04,856
♪ There'll be no eggnog
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00:02:04,889 --> 00:02:07,959
♪ No Christmas beer
30
00:02:07,993 --> 00:02:13,531
♪ 'Cause it's hard to
drink in the atmosphere
31
00:02:13,565 --> 00:02:16,435
♪ Well, it's Christmas
32
00:02:16,468 --> 00:02:19,437
♪ In outer space
33
00:02:19,470 --> 00:02:22,073
♪ So hang up your stockings
34
00:02:22,107 --> 00:02:24,910
♪ Of satin and lace
35
00:02:24,942 --> 00:02:27,846
♪ And even though
36
00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,115
♪ I'm far away
37
00:02:30,149 --> 00:02:35,888
♪ Maybe I'll hitch
a ride home on Santa's sleigh
38
00:02:35,921 --> 00:02:41,727
♪ Maybe I'll hitch
a ride home on Santa's sleigh
39
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,596
♪ Baby, I'm gonna
get back to you tonight
40
00:02:44,630 --> 00:02:46,899
♪ on Santa's sleigh
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00:02:46,931 --> 00:02:51,837
♪ I'm gonna get back to you
42
00:02:51,869 --> 00:02:53,505
[GROWLING]
43
00:02:53,538 --> 00:02:58,143
♪ On Santa's sleigh ♪
44
00:02:58,177 --> 00:02:59,644
[BEEPING]
45
00:03:01,012 --> 00:03:02,381
[MUSIC ENDS]
46
00:03:04,583 --> 00:03:05,550
TOM: Mr. Secretary,
Merry Christmas!
47
00:03:05,583 --> 00:03:07,485
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Tom! Great to see you.
48
00:03:07,518 --> 00:03:08,820
Well, I wouldn't
miss this for the world.
49
00:03:08,853 --> 00:03:12,725
Well, this is gonna be a fantastic
holiday bonus for our military.
50
00:03:12,757 --> 00:03:17,463
PEN15 ANNOUNCER: Access to PEN15 will
be granted in ten, nine, eight...
51
00:03:17,495 --> 00:03:19,764
Okay folks, let's get it
started in here!
52
00:03:19,798 --> 00:03:23,803
Agent Woman, Agent Charlesworth,
let s relay the shriek command codes!
53
00:03:23,835 --> 00:03:26,538
Agent Woman, administer
the voice modulation masks.
54
00:03:26,572 --> 00:03:28,007
PEN15 ANNOUNCER:
One.
55
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:31,776
[IMITATES RACCOON WHINING]
56
00:03:31,810 --> 00:03:35,648
[CLICKING AND BEEPING]
57
00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:39,151
[RACCOON SOUNDS ON SPEAKER]
58
00:03:49,094 --> 00:03:51,697
Agent Charlesworth,
we have access.
59
00:03:52,130 --> 00:03:53,833
Ha-ha!
60
00:03:53,865 --> 00:03:54,867
Nice!
61
00:03:57,035 --> 00:03:59,138
Thank you, Houston.
We'll take it from here.
62
00:03:59,171 --> 00:04:01,639
Hot dog,
Christmas has come early!
63
00:04:01,673 --> 00:04:03,776
Let's see what
those little furballs can do.
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00:04:03,809 --> 00:04:05,578
I'm sending command shrieks
65
00:04:05,611 --> 00:04:08,548
to the space thingy now,
Mr. Secretary.
66
00:04:11,016 --> 00:04:13,453
[RACCOON
SOUNDS AND BEEPING]
67
00:04:15,686 --> 00:04:19,491
They're accessing the space
thingy's visual optics.
68
00:04:20,993 --> 00:04:24,096
Oh, they
found something!
69
00:04:24,128 --> 00:04:24,996
Tammy!
70
00:04:25,029 --> 00:04:27,532
Oh, tell them
to try image enhancing!
71
00:04:29,134 --> 00:04:31,838
Oh, titties!
72
00:04:32,271 --> 00:04:33,506
Boobies!
73
00:04:33,538 --> 00:04:36,108
BOTH: Breasteseseses.
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00:04:36,140 --> 00:04:37,809
That is sophomoric.
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00:04:37,842 --> 00:04:39,177
And tasteless.
76
00:04:39,211 --> 00:04:40,546
Those nerds at the NSA
77
00:04:40,579 --> 00:04:42,615
probably think
this is Santa's sleigh!
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00:04:42,647 --> 00:04:43,681
[LAUGHS]
79
00:04:43,714 --> 00:04:44,916
If they only knew!
80
00:04:44,950 --> 00:04:46,584
The optics are phenomenal,
81
00:04:46,618 --> 00:04:48,921
just think what the laser
capabilities might be.
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00:04:48,954 --> 00:04:50,288
This might be the best weapon
83
00:04:50,322 --> 00:04:53,125
the U.S. military
has ever had ever!
84
00:04:54,993 --> 00:04:56,529
TOM: Chester, I gotta
hand it to ya, man.
85
00:04:56,562 --> 00:04:59,131
This raccoon weapons
program is incredible!
86
00:04:59,163 --> 00:05:02,267
From spraying raccoon feces
all over the Middle East
87
00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:03,301
to developing one of the most
88
00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,937
uncrackable satellite
codes in human history.
89
00:05:05,971 --> 00:05:08,040
Even the Chinese
can't figure it out!
90
00:05:08,072 --> 00:05:09,575
Great job, man!
91
00:05:09,608 --> 00:05:10,942
Congress is gonna
be so pissed
92
00:05:10,976 --> 00:05:12,778
when they find out
who is paying for this.
93
00:05:12,810 --> 00:05:14,680
Hey, guys, can I
get a little credit here?
94
00:05:14,712 --> 00:05:15,847
I mean,
ten years ago,
95
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:19,017
the raccoons slaughtered
fifteen campers here in town.
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00:05:19,050 --> 00:05:20,486
If I didn't cover
the whole thing up
97
00:05:20,519 --> 00:05:24,223
and ship the raccoons off to the
military, we wouldn't be here today.
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00:05:24,255 --> 00:05:26,958
I only wish my colleagues
from that summer had survived,
99
00:05:26,991 --> 00:05:28,793
I heard their
bodies were never found.
100
00:05:28,827 --> 00:05:30,896
They were all ripped
to shreds by raccoons.
101
00:05:30,928 --> 00:05:32,130
You know, it's funny
you would mention that,
102
00:05:32,163 --> 00:05:33,765
cause just last week,
we had a break-in
103
00:05:33,798 --> 00:05:35,834
at the Raccoon Creek
weapons facility.
104
00:05:35,866 --> 00:05:37,068
We got a few things missing,
105
00:05:37,101 --> 00:05:38,971
like some raccoons
and some gear
106
00:05:39,003 --> 00:05:40,238
and I don't know
who the heck would take it,
107
00:05:40,272 --> 00:05:41,440
'cause what are they
going to do with it?
108
00:05:41,473 --> 00:05:44,776
There was a note left behind,
it said, "Shitsnakes."
109
00:05:44,810 --> 00:05:46,178
Strange I've heard
that before.
110
00:05:46,212 --> 00:05:49,882
Yeah, you know that was something
Ranger Rick Danger used to say.
111
00:05:49,914 --> 00:05:51,649
He was a boozehound
park ranger
112
00:05:51,683 --> 00:05:54,252
I hired ten years ago.
Nobody knows what it meant.
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00:05:54,286 --> 00:05:56,088
Shitsnakes?
That's not a thing.
114
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,323
Like, snakes
covered in shit?
115
00:05:58,356 --> 00:06:00,058
Well, nobody
really knows.
116
00:06:00,091 --> 00:06:02,661
Besides, Ranger
Danger is long gone,
117
00:06:02,694 --> 00:06:04,663
you guys did
a phenomenal job,
118
00:06:04,695 --> 00:06:06,931
have a great holiday,
thanks so much.
119
00:06:06,964 --> 00:06:07,933
Thank you, sir.
120
00:06:07,966 --> 00:06:10,269
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
I mean, Mr. Secretary
121
00:06:10,301 --> 00:06:12,337
You're welcome.
Just call me sir the way she does.
122
00:06:12,370 --> 00:06:14,005
Yes, sir.
123
00:06:14,038 --> 00:06:15,373
Merry Christmas, Mr. Secretary!
124
00:06:15,406 --> 00:06:17,142
Agent Woman,
could I talk to you for a second?
125
00:06:17,175 --> 00:06:18,377
- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry, Chester.
126
00:06:18,409 --> 00:06:19,978
Of course.
Have a great holiday.
127
00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:22,548
Listen,
128
00:06:22,580 --> 00:06:25,783
I don't know if you're staying
in town for the holidays,
129
00:06:25,817 --> 00:06:27,119
but I have a cabin
in the woods
130
00:06:27,151 --> 00:06:29,187
and I would love it
if you would join me.
131
00:06:29,221 --> 00:06:31,790
As flattered as I am by the
offer, sir, my plans are to make
132
00:06:31,822 --> 00:06:34,359
the next train to Washington
to meet my... family.
133
00:06:34,392 --> 00:06:36,794
Ha-ha! Well, no matter,
I'm married anyway.
134
00:06:36,827 --> 00:06:38,830
Listen, like
the secretary said,
135
00:06:38,863 --> 00:06:39,998
you did a great job today!
136
00:06:40,031 --> 00:06:40,899
Thank you, sir.
137
00:06:40,933 --> 00:06:43,002
But I don't need
a man to tell me that.
138
00:06:44,803 --> 00:06:47,940
Hoo-hoo,
feminism is hot, ha-ha!
139
00:06:54,178 --> 00:06:57,616
Come on, Aunt Sally's
mittens, where is he?
140
00:07:05,457 --> 00:07:07,993
O-M-G! Ty! Ty Smallwood!
141
00:07:10,928 --> 00:07:13,666
Shane! How are ya, man?
142
00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:14,867
Hey, what's
with the cross?
143
00:07:14,899 --> 00:07:16,435
Oh, I'm a Christian now!
144
00:07:16,467 --> 00:07:18,670
Isn't that great?
I went to conversion therapy.
145
00:07:18,704 --> 00:07:20,706
The only thing
I'm gay for now is Jesus,
146
00:07:20,738 --> 00:07:22,674
and he's the reason for the
season, am I right?
147
00:07:22,707 --> 00:07:24,308
Hey, I love that mustache.
148
00:07:24,341 --> 00:07:25,777
Oh, thanks.
149
00:07:25,810 --> 00:07:27,178
But don't call me Ty anymore.
150
00:07:27,212 --> 00:07:28,180
I changed my name.
151
00:07:28,212 --> 00:07:30,314
I couldn't stand being
made fun of in prison.
152
00:07:30,348 --> 00:07:33,218
Oh, right. Smallwood could
be perceived as "small penis."
153
00:07:33,250 --> 00:07:34,452
Makes sense.
154
00:07:34,486 --> 00:07:36,656
So from now on, call me Casey.
155
00:07:38,022 --> 00:07:40,159
Casey Smallwood.
156
00:07:40,192 --> 00:07:42,795
I got this place after I got
out of conversion therapy.
157
00:07:42,827 --> 00:07:44,429
Business boomed when
the mayor of Independence
158
00:07:44,462 --> 00:07:46,164
became the Secretary
of Defense.
159
00:07:46,197 --> 00:07:47,865
Lot of military families
coming through.
160
00:07:47,899 --> 00:07:49,401
It's been really
good for business.
161
00:07:49,433 --> 00:07:50,801
Wait, the mayor?
162
00:07:50,836 --> 00:07:53,706
That dick who put me in jail for
ten years for underage drinking?
163
00:07:53,738 --> 00:07:55,840
He put Al Jazeera
in Guantanamo!
164
00:07:55,873 --> 00:07:57,475
We don't even know
if Al's alive.
165
00:07:57,509 --> 00:08:00,446
Ty... Casey, a lot's changed
166
00:08:00,478 --> 00:08:02,147
in the last ten years
since you've been gone.
167
00:08:06,918 --> 00:08:09,187
The mayor's done a lot of
good since he's gotten to D.C.
168
00:08:09,221 --> 00:08:11,957
So he's a hero now, huh?
What'd he do for you?
169
00:08:11,990 --> 00:08:13,358
He got me
the conversion therapy.
170
00:08:13,390 --> 00:08:15,493
I'm not living that sinful,
disgusting life anymore.
171
00:08:15,526 --> 00:08:16,995
Speaking of,
we have a Christmas
172
00:08:17,027 --> 00:08:18,397
swingers party
going on tonight.
173
00:08:18,430 --> 00:08:19,965
You're more than
welcome to hang out,
174
00:08:19,998 --> 00:08:21,332
stay as long as you like.
175
00:08:21,365 --> 00:08:22,868
Well, that's nice
of you, Shane,
176
00:08:22,901 --> 00:08:25,037
but Imma try to see
my family on the East Coast.
177
00:08:25,070 --> 00:08:27,772
I'm actually supposed
to meet up with this girl
178
00:08:27,805 --> 00:08:31,209
I've been in touch with,
and take the next train to D.C.
179
00:08:31,243 --> 00:08:32,344
What?
180
00:08:32,377 --> 00:08:34,979
Who is this girl, how long
you been in touch with her
181
00:08:35,012 --> 00:08:36,748
and will you be
touching her a lot more?
182
00:08:36,781 --> 00:08:39,817
She's the sister of the dead
girl that I lost my virginity to
183
00:08:39,850 --> 00:08:42,520
ten years ago,
who was mauled by raccoons.
184
00:08:42,554 --> 00:08:43,655
Her name's Darlene.
185
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:46,392
We struck up a penpal-ship
while I was in the joint.
186
00:08:48,259 --> 00:08:49,527
She wants to know the truth
187
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:50,995
about what
happened to her sister.
188
00:08:52,129 --> 00:08:53,298
I'm not gonna lie, Shane.
189
00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:57,836
That summer really
fucked me up.
190
00:08:57,868 --> 00:09:01,339
It's almost as if I'm
a totally different person now.
191
00:09:01,373 --> 00:09:03,108
Yeah, it's pretty obvious.
192
00:09:03,141 --> 00:09:05,344
Look, Casey,
Raccoon Creek Campground
193
00:09:05,377 --> 00:09:06,811
doesn't exist anymore.
194
00:09:06,844 --> 00:09:08,880
It's a top secret
military facility.
195
00:09:08,914 --> 00:09:11,083
There hasn't been
a raccoon attack in ten years.
196
00:09:11,116 --> 00:09:13,786
Anybody who knows about
that attack, they keep quiet.
197
00:09:13,819 --> 00:09:15,320
You'd be smart
to do the same thing.
198
00:09:15,353 --> 00:09:19,023
If this whole mystery train ride with
your dead lover's sister doesn't pan out,
199
00:09:19,056 --> 00:09:20,459
make sure to hit me up
on social media.
200
00:09:22,359 --> 00:09:23,460
Thanks, Shane.
201
00:09:23,494 --> 00:09:25,930
But I think I need to get
the fuck out of this town.
202
00:09:26,464 --> 00:09:28,166
And above all
203
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,836
I never want to see
another raccoon again.
204
00:09:31,869 --> 00:09:35,039
TRAIN STATION ANNOUNCER #1: Now
boarding the 9:11 train to D.C.
205
00:09:35,073 --> 00:09:38,811
Never forget that the 9:11
train is now boarding.
206
00:09:38,844 --> 00:09:42,147
TRAIN STATION ANNOUNCER #2: How could anyone
forget that the 9:11 train is now boarding?
207
00:09:42,180 --> 00:09:45,050
No one should ever
forget about the 9:11 train.
208
00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:46,852
TRAIN STATION ANNOUNCER #1:
Well, you'd be surprised about
209
00:09:46,884 --> 00:09:48,920
how many people
forget about the 9:11 train.
210
00:09:48,954 --> 00:09:52,825
It's like no one remembers anything
about the 9:11 train anymore.
211
00:09:52,858 --> 00:09:54,026
TRAIN STATION ANNOUNCER #2:
Well, that's because these days,
212
00:09:54,059 --> 00:09:55,127
there's still
a lot of questions
213
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,563
about what really
happened to the 9:11 train.
214
00:09:57,595 --> 00:09:58,630
TRAIN STATION ANNOUNCER #1: You're
going to bring up your doubts
215
00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:01,433
about what happened
to the 9:11 train again?
216
00:10:01,465 --> 00:10:03,435
TRAIN STATION ANNOUNCER #2: I'm just
saying it's okay to ask questions
217
00:10:03,468 --> 00:10:05,337
about what our
government really knew
218
00:10:05,369 --> 00:10:07,505
about the 9:11 train
and when they knew it!
219
00:10:07,539 --> 00:10:08,774
TRAIN STATION ANNOUNCER #1:
Oh, my God.
220
00:10:08,806 --> 00:10:11,609
We're not arguing about what
happened to the 9:11 train.
221
00:10:11,642 --> 00:10:14,345
TRAIN STATION ANNOUNCER #2: Hey!
I have a lot of questions...
222
00:10:19,984 --> 00:10:21,219
Hi, there.
223
00:10:21,252 --> 00:10:23,555
Has a woman named Darlene Bean
picked up her tickets yet?
224
00:10:27,492 --> 00:10:31,296
Hey, are you Casey?
I'm Darlene.
225
00:10:31,329 --> 00:10:32,998
Janine's sister.
226
00:10:33,031 --> 00:10:35,233
Wow, I can tell
You look just like her.
227
00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:39,338
It's, it's uncanny, not to be
weird or anything, but,
228
00:10:39,371 --> 00:10:41,406
I made this for you
229
00:10:41,439 --> 00:10:44,276
Hey, I hate to interrupt this
really awkward moment,
230
00:10:44,309 --> 00:10:46,245
but did you guys want
to pick up your tickets or...
231
00:10:46,277 --> 00:10:49,113
Yeah, there should be two
tickets under my name, Smallwood.
232
00:10:49,147 --> 00:10:51,049
You didn't have to buy
both of our tickets.
233
00:10:51,081 --> 00:10:51,915
It's not a problem.
234
00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:54,319
It's amazing how much
money you save
235
00:10:54,352 --> 00:10:55,921
when you have
no place to spend it.
236
00:10:55,954 --> 00:11:00,192
Okay. Uh, two tickets
for Ty Smallwood.
237
00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:02,327
Actually changed my name,
it's Casey now.
238
00:11:03,427 --> 00:11:04,562
Casey Smallwood.
239
00:11:04,595 --> 00:11:08,633
Well, your last name still
means "small penis" though.
240
00:11:08,666 --> 00:11:13,939
TRAIN STATION ANNOUNCER #1: Last call
for the 9:11 train to D.C., last call!
241
00:11:13,972 --> 00:11:15,941
And no, we're not
arguing about it anymore.
242
00:11:20,578 --> 00:11:22,615
So uh, how's
your family doing?
243
00:11:23,714 --> 00:11:26,084
Uh, fine,
I guess.
244
00:11:26,117 --> 00:11:29,253
I mean, as good as you can be
when a member of your family
245
00:11:29,286 --> 00:11:32,391
mysteriously dies
at a campground.
246
00:11:32,424 --> 00:11:35,928
Nobody ever really told us
exactly how or why she died.
247
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,630
Yeah, I wanted to talk
to you about that.
248
00:11:40,198 --> 00:11:41,934
Actually, I...
249
00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:45,137
I made you this Christmas present
to get the conversation started
250
00:11:45,170 --> 00:11:47,606
That's an
interesting necklace.
251
00:11:47,638 --> 00:11:50,709
Yeah, killed that raccoon
myself ten years ago.
252
00:11:50,742 --> 00:11:53,612
Wait, seriously?
You killed an innocent raccoon?
253
00:11:53,645 --> 00:11:55,948
Casey, you know I'm a big
animal rights activist.
254
00:11:55,980 --> 00:11:57,349
I've written to you
about it a lot.
255
00:11:57,382 --> 00:11:59,651
I-I mean, I know that!
256
00:11:59,684 --> 00:12:00,785
This was a bad one.
257
00:12:00,819 --> 00:12:03,322
It's actually part of the
story about your sister.
258
00:12:03,988 --> 00:12:05,022
Jesus, dude.
259
00:12:05,055 --> 00:12:06,624
Well, it's a good
thing we've got
260
00:12:06,657 --> 00:12:08,326
a long ass train ride
ahead of us.
261
00:12:08,359 --> 00:12:09,360
Let's go.
262
00:12:11,095 --> 00:12:14,065
Looks like I've bitten off
more than I can choo-choo.
263
00:12:16,166 --> 00:12:18,671
Oh, wow! How's it going there,
young lady?
264
00:12:20,070 --> 00:12:22,040
Oh, okay, well.
Hey, where ya going?
265
00:12:22,073 --> 00:12:23,475
Come on,
I'm the train's photographer!
266
00:12:25,243 --> 00:12:26,210
So what are you, uh,
267
00:12:26,243 --> 00:12:27,713
traveling with your
boyfriend or something?
268
00:12:27,746 --> 00:12:29,248
Or going dolo?
269
00:12:30,248 --> 00:12:31,416
She's traveling
with me.
270
00:12:34,719 --> 00:12:35,653
Sorry.
271
00:12:35,686 --> 00:12:38,589
Hey, you look really
familiar. Have we met?
272
00:12:38,623 --> 00:12:39,757
I don't think so.
273
00:12:39,791 --> 00:12:41,225
I just got
out of prison.
274
00:12:41,258 --> 00:12:42,226
You?
275
00:12:42,259 --> 00:12:44,562
I was in jail for a bit
about ten years ago
276
00:12:44,595 --> 00:12:46,065
I don' t think
I know you from there.
277
00:12:46,730 --> 00:12:48,099
Look, sorry, man.
278
00:12:48,132 --> 00:12:50,199
Hope you have a good trip.
279
00:12:53,037 --> 00:12:54,438
And so,
as the holiday train
280
00:12:54,472 --> 00:12:56,041
boards up again
this Christmas Eve
281
00:12:56,074 --> 00:12:57,709
on its way to our
nation's capital,
282
00:12:57,742 --> 00:13:00,378
the folks on board are prepared
for some unannounced guests,
283
00:13:00,411 --> 00:13:03,248
perhaps even
Santa Claus himself.
284
00:13:03,281 --> 00:13:05,217
For Network News,
I'm Dick Weener.
285
00:13:07,084 --> 00:13:08,152
Did we get it? Good.
286
00:13:08,185 --> 00:13:09,253
I'm getting the fuck
out of here.
287
00:13:09,286 --> 00:13:10,254
This place gives me
the creeps!
288
00:13:10,287 --> 00:13:11,789
I've been the biggest
name in the local news
289
00:13:11,823 --> 00:13:13,759
for ten years now
and it's time to move on.
290
00:13:13,791 --> 00:13:15,393
The Secretary of Defense
says once I get this
291
00:13:15,426 --> 00:13:16,527
spokesman job
at the Pentagon,
292
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,329
I don't need
you plebeians anymore!
293
00:13:18,363 --> 00:13:20,099
Happy holidays,
you sad sacks!
294
00:13:33,210 --> 00:13:35,380
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
295
00:13:41,118 --> 00:13:43,689
[SUSPENSEFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
296
00:14:00,171 --> 00:14:01,473
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
297
00:14:01,506 --> 00:14:02,307
TALK RADIO ANNOUNCER: The NSA
tracks Santa on Christmas Eve,
298
00:14:02,339 --> 00:14:04,542
but who else
are they tracking?
299
00:14:04,575 --> 00:14:06,777
- I don t trust them one bit.
- Well, hello, Agent Woman.
300
00:14:06,810 --> 00:14:09,480
Looks like Santa got me
a little present this year.
301
00:14:09,513 --> 00:14:11,082
Hello, Agent Charlesworth
302
00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:12,350
Care for a vod-sode?
303
00:14:12,382 --> 00:14:13,451
A vod what?
304
00:14:13,484 --> 00:14:15,454
A vod-sode. Vodka soda.
305
00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:17,322
It has the highest
alcohol content
306
00:14:17,354 --> 00:14:19,090
and the lowest
amount of calories.
307
00:14:22,727 --> 00:14:24,762
Hey! Hey, man!
308
00:14:24,796 --> 00:14:27,364
That's rape culture.
Did you even wash your hands?
309
00:14:27,397 --> 00:14:28,867
What? Of course
I washed my hands.
310
00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:30,401
I always wash my hands.
311
00:14:30,435 --> 00:14:32,570
- Okay. Then strip for me.
- What?
312
00:14:32,603 --> 00:14:35,706
Strip for me, you big
hairy man. Strip!
313
00:14:37,541 --> 00:14:39,110
Okay!
314
00:14:39,143 --> 00:14:40,311
TALK RADIO ANNOUNCER:
There is no more freedom,
315
00:14:40,344 --> 00:14:42,147
there is no more
personal freedom.
316
00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:44,281
If Jesus Christ
were president,
317
00:14:44,315 --> 00:14:46,350
something like this
would never happen!
318
00:14:47,352 --> 00:14:49,288
[CAR APPROACHING]
319
00:14:56,828 --> 00:14:58,430
All right, boys.
320
00:14:58,463 --> 00:14:59,698
Let's go to work.
321
00:15:03,767 --> 00:15:08,772
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
322
00:15:08,805 --> 00:15:12,143
TALK RADIO ANNOUNCER: First it was flu
shots at Christmas, what else is next?
323
00:15:12,176 --> 00:15:15,379
I'm gonna ask if you have
any nines or elevens?
324
00:15:15,412 --> 00:15:18,315
Well, I'm gonna go
ahead tell ya to go fish!
325
00:15:18,349 --> 00:15:19,718
Dang nab it.
326
00:15:23,220 --> 00:15:24,488
TALK RADIO ANNOUNCER:
They're trying to control...
327
00:15:24,522 --> 00:15:26,691
- [RADIO CUTS OUT]
- You hear something?
328
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,795
Merry Christmas?
329
00:15:31,829 --> 00:15:33,232
[MAN SCREAMS]
330
00:15:39,304 --> 00:15:42,274
All right, boys.
We got ten minutes.
331
00:15:43,708 --> 00:15:46,377
[CREATURE GROWLING]
332
00:15:56,421 --> 00:16:00,791
Hey, there. Could you tell me what
that girl over there is drinking?
333
00:16:00,825 --> 00:16:03,295
I'd like to have the
same thing to be social.
334
00:16:03,328 --> 00:16:05,664
It's just that I haven't
had a drink in ten years.
335
00:16:05,696 --> 00:16:06,731
I just got out of prison.
336
00:16:07,599 --> 00:16:08,967
For underage drinking.
337
00:16:08,999 --> 00:16:10,734
Are you a murderer?
338
00:16:10,767 --> 00:16:11,869
What? No!
339
00:16:11,902 --> 00:16:14,638
Oh, Phew. Okay.
I have to ask.
340
00:16:14,671 --> 00:16:18,542
We get a lot of felons on here
from that jail in Independence.
341
00:16:18,575 --> 00:16:20,411
Your friend is drinking
a vod-sode.
342
00:16:20,445 --> 00:16:21,478
A what?
343
00:16:21,512 --> 00:16:23,949
A vod-sode.
Vodka soda.
344
00:16:23,982 --> 00:16:25,416
It's the highest
alcohol content
345
00:16:25,450 --> 00:16:27,252
with the lowest
amount of calories.
346
00:16:27,285 --> 00:16:28,752
Let me go see
if I can do this.
347
00:16:28,786 --> 00:16:29,787
I'll be back.
348
00:16:33,858 --> 00:16:35,392
Yo, Casey.
349
00:16:35,425 --> 00:16:37,929
Wanna join me
for a drink?
350
00:16:37,961 --> 00:16:39,197
Yeah.
351
00:16:40,065 --> 00:16:43,435
Hey, your sister,
she used to call me Ty,
352
00:16:43,468 --> 00:16:45,603
because that
was my real name.
353
00:16:45,637 --> 00:16:47,705
But then, I changed
my name to Casey,
354
00:16:47,738 --> 00:16:49,541
and you've been
calling me that,
355
00:16:49,574 --> 00:16:51,343
which has been nice.
356
00:16:51,376 --> 00:16:55,647
But I guess if you want to,
you could call me Ty,
357
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,449
just like your dead sister did.
358
00:16:57,482 --> 00:16:59,384
I don't want
to call you Ty, Casey.
359
00:16:59,416 --> 00:17:01,319
And I don't just want
to keep hearing about
360
00:17:01,352 --> 00:17:03,722
your relationship
with my dead sister.
361
00:17:03,754 --> 00:17:05,757
I'd love to know
why she died,
362
00:17:05,789 --> 00:17:07,424
if you know
anything about that.
363
00:17:07,458 --> 00:17:09,494
Yeah, I'm sorry.
364
00:17:09,526 --> 00:17:11,462
- It's just...
- It's just what?
365
00:17:11,496 --> 00:17:13,364
Are you going to tell me
what happened to her,
366
00:17:13,398 --> 00:17:14,833
or do you even know?
367
00:17:14,865 --> 00:17:17,334
I mean, was it
your fault or something?
368
00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:18,869
I loved your sister.
369
00:17:18,902 --> 00:17:20,438
I didn't know
she was going to die!
370
00:17:20,470 --> 00:17:22,007
My best friend
died that summer,
371
00:17:22,039 --> 00:17:23,507
and so did a lot
of other people.
372
00:17:23,540 --> 00:17:24,441
And I tried to stop it!
373
00:17:24,476 --> 00:17:26,710
Yeah, well, you did
a great fucking job.
374
00:17:26,744 --> 00:17:28,813
If at any point you'd
like to tell me exactly
375
00:17:28,845 --> 00:17:32,950
what happened to my dead sister,
that would be great.
376
00:17:36,421 --> 00:17:38,422
Maybe I do need
that vod-sode.
377
00:17:42,492 --> 00:17:45,296
Hey, Shelley What was
in that vod-sode again?
378
00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:48,867
Well, it's like, vodka,
but like, also soda.
379
00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:50,636
CASEY: Great, I'll take one.
380
00:17:53,603 --> 00:17:57,842
Hey, Casey, I'm sorry I
lashed out at you earlier.
381
00:17:57,874 --> 00:17:58,942
It's just...
382
00:17:58,976 --> 00:18:00,812
You were with my
sister that summer
383
00:18:00,844 --> 00:18:04,449
and I just really need
to know how she died.
384
00:18:04,481 --> 00:18:07,418
There's so much information
my family and I never got
385
00:18:07,451 --> 00:18:10,821
and if you know anything
about what happened,
386
00:18:10,854 --> 00:18:14,925
I'd just like to pick up our pen
pal relationship and figure it out.
387
00:18:16,594 --> 00:18:18,863
Of course.
388
00:18:18,895 --> 00:18:20,632
And I promise,
by the end of this trip,
389
00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:23,067
you'll know how
your dead sister died.
390
00:18:23,101 --> 00:18:25,969
Thanks. I'm gonna
go take a jog,
391
00:18:26,003 --> 00:18:28,440
but later we can
have some drinks and talk.
392
00:18:34,612 --> 00:18:35,680
[RETCHES]
393
00:18:44,122 --> 00:18:45,457
Let's go, boys.
394
00:18:49,994 --> 00:18:51,496
Oh, hey, look,
don't get your psycho
395
00:18:51,528 --> 00:18:53,131
ex-con boyfriend
to beat me up, all right?
396
00:18:53,163 --> 00:18:54,598
I was just trying
to make conversation.
397
00:18:54,632 --> 00:18:55,834
He's not my boyfriend.
398
00:18:55,866 --> 00:18:57,068
Oh, now we're talking.
399
00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:02,906
Look, don t bring rape culture
with you to work, okay?
400
00:19:02,940 --> 00:19:06,411
And if you even try
to touch me, I'll beat you up.
401
00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:07,746
[LAUGHS]
402
00:19:07,778 --> 00:19:08,646
Look, I don't
know about that.
403
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,547
I've been doing
a lot of this lately.
404
00:19:10,581 --> 00:19:11,716
Oh, wow.
405
00:19:11,748 --> 00:19:13,718
Well, why don't you go ahead
and try and touch me then?
406
00:19:13,750 --> 00:19:14,786
Wait, what?
407
00:19:14,818 --> 00:19:16,653
Go ahead. Touch me.
408
00:19:16,687 --> 00:19:18,556
All right, I mean I guess
that's consent, so...
409
00:19:20,591 --> 00:19:22,960
Ow! An electric shock
I can't fuck with!
410
00:19:22,994 --> 00:19:24,028
[GRUNTS]
411
00:19:24,061 --> 00:19:25,430
Oh, come on!
412
00:19:26,863 --> 00:19:29,633
Oh, God, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe!
413
00:19:32,135 --> 00:19:34,873
[GASPS] Come on.
Where'd you learn that from?
414
00:19:34,905 --> 00:19:36,073
The NYPD?
415
00:19:36,106 --> 00:19:39,610
Ten years ago my sister and I
took a self-defense class.
416
00:19:39,643 --> 00:19:42,613
Then she died on some
camping trip in Independence,
417
00:19:42,646 --> 00:19:45,783
so I kept training to make sure
nothing ever happened to me.
418
00:19:45,816 --> 00:19:47,484
Well, I'm really sorry
to hear that,
419
00:19:47,517 --> 00:19:48,652
but I'm pretty sure
you don't have to worry
420
00:19:48,686 --> 00:19:50,021
about getting killed
on this train.
421
00:19:50,054 --> 00:19:52,457
Yeah, well,
I certainly hope not.
422
00:19:54,558 --> 00:19:56,161
Hey, wait.
423
00:19:56,193 --> 00:19:58,896
You said your sister was killed
on a camping trip in Independence?
424
00:20:00,230 --> 00:20:01,098
Yeah?
425
00:20:01,132 --> 00:20:02,933
I was there around
ten years ago, too.
426
00:20:02,967 --> 00:20:05,036
I think I remember your friend,
but I can't be sure.
427
00:20:05,068 --> 00:20:06,937
Yeah, well,
I'm not sure either.
428
00:20:08,038 --> 00:20:09,407
Oh!
429
00:20:10,507 --> 00:20:12,844
Oh, goddamn.
Hang in there fellas!
430
00:20:12,876 --> 00:20:15,813
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
431
00:20:17,782 --> 00:20:19,050
You want paper
or something?
432
00:20:19,950 --> 00:20:21,885
No, thank you.
433
00:20:21,919 --> 00:20:24,055
I'm just jotting down
a few notes.
434
00:20:24,087 --> 00:20:26,023
Maybe I'll turn it into
a screenplay or something.
435
00:20:26,056 --> 00:20:27,925
Oh, really? What about?
436
00:20:27,959 --> 00:20:30,027
Just about when
I lost my virginity
437
00:20:30,061 --> 00:20:33,531
and the girl I lost it to
was devoured by raccoons,
438
00:20:33,564 --> 00:20:34,798
and then a whole
bunch of other people
439
00:20:34,832 --> 00:20:36,568
were killed by raccoons, too
440
00:20:36,601 --> 00:20:39,871
Including my best friend,
at a summer camp.
441
00:20:39,903 --> 00:20:43,708
And then I was imprisoned for ten
years for underage consumption.
442
00:20:44,275 --> 00:20:46,143
[LAUGHS]
443
00:20:47,844 --> 00:20:48,979
Okay.
444
00:20:49,013 --> 00:20:51,649
First of all, that sounds
like a fucking shitty movie.
445
00:20:51,681 --> 00:20:52,549
Second of all,
446
00:20:52,583 --> 00:20:53,985
do you want some
nuts with your drink?
447
00:20:54,017 --> 00:20:55,487
Or are you
already there?
448
00:20:56,586 --> 00:20:58,155
No, I'm actually
allergic to nuts.
449
00:20:58,189 --> 00:20:59,423
Shit, you better
get to the kitchen
450
00:20:59,457 --> 00:21:01,726
and let the cooks know before
they start cooking dinner.
451
00:21:01,758 --> 00:21:03,862
Almost all our food has nuts.
452
00:21:03,894 --> 00:21:05,763
[LAUGHING BOISTEROUSLY ]
453
00:21:07,297 --> 00:21:09,166
CHEF 1:
Hold on a second, hold on.
454
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:12,737
So you trying to tell me
that you're allergic to nuts?
455
00:21:12,769 --> 00:21:15,038
And you want me
to take all the nuts
456
00:21:15,072 --> 00:21:17,941
out of all the food
in the whole kitchen?
457
00:21:17,975 --> 00:21:20,512
I mean, yeah,
If that's possible.
458
00:21:20,545 --> 00:21:23,081
I just got out of jail and
I'd be happy to eat anything.
459
00:21:23,613 --> 00:21:25,083
It just can't have nuts.
460
00:21:25,115 --> 00:21:26,950
Yeah, sure!
If I just got out of prison,
461
00:21:26,984 --> 00:21:30,222
I'd be sick of eating nuts, too!
[LAUGHS]
462
00:21:36,861 --> 00:21:38,530
Hurry, boys!
Train's a-comin!
463
00:21:44,235 --> 00:21:47,906
Listen, I don t know how they do
it in jail, but I can't change
464
00:21:47,939 --> 00:21:49,940
the menu of
an entire train car
465
00:21:49,973 --> 00:21:52,743
just cause one jerk off's
got a nut allergy!
466
00:21:52,776 --> 00:21:54,312
I mean, do you have
anything without nuts?
467
00:21:54,344 --> 00:21:55,412
Yeah, actually.
468
00:21:55,446 --> 00:21:57,882
No problem. I actually,
I got a new recipe for ya,
469
00:21:57,914 --> 00:21:59,116
it's called, uh,
470
00:21:59,150 --> 00:22:01,151
your momma's
fucking pussy juices!
471
00:22:01,184 --> 00:22:02,986
[BOTH LAUGHING]
472
00:22:03,019 --> 00:22:04,189
You jail idiot!
473
00:22:06,090 --> 00:22:07,659
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
474
00:22:08,992 --> 00:22:10,794
[CRASHES]
475
00:22:13,698 --> 00:22:15,033
What the hell
is going on?
476
00:22:15,065 --> 00:22:15,900
Whoa, man!
477
00:22:15,933 --> 00:22:17,067
Must have hit
the old rough tracks!
478
00:22:17,102 --> 00:22:20,205
Seems like we're in for
a dark Christmas in the dark!
479
00:22:23,074 --> 00:22:24,741
What the heck
is this?
480
00:22:24,775 --> 00:22:27,579
I don't know!
He don't look like one of our boys.
481
00:22:32,850 --> 00:22:35,020
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
482
00:22:42,325 --> 00:22:44,629
Hey, what's going on here?
483
00:22:44,661 --> 00:22:46,631
Garbage train
ran off the tracks.
484
00:22:46,663 --> 00:22:48,732
Lots of people got
buried in the trash
485
00:22:48,766 --> 00:22:50,034
Went home to the Lord.
486
00:22:50,066 --> 00:22:52,135
What? There weren't
no garbage trains
487
00:22:52,169 --> 00:22:53,305
coming through here.
488
00:22:54,705 --> 00:22:56,040
Where are all the bodies?
489
00:22:56,073 --> 00:22:57,141
Here!
490
00:22:57,173 --> 00:22:59,143
[RACCOONS SCREECHING]
491
00:23:05,815 --> 00:23:07,684
Whoa, whoa, whoa, people!
492
00:23:07,718 --> 00:23:10,287
Can't you see this
violence is poisoning
493
00:23:10,321 --> 00:23:12,123
our children's minds!
494
00:23:12,155 --> 00:23:13,991
[SQUEALS]
495
00:23:17,228 --> 00:23:20,297
God has given
us the engine.
496
00:23:20,331 --> 00:23:23,067
All right, boys,
we have four minutes and twenty seconds.
497
00:23:23,100 --> 00:23:24,703
Let's move!
498
00:23:27,438 --> 00:23:29,907
Everybody to the back
of the train! On the double!
499
00:23:29,940 --> 00:23:31,409
Don't make me
ask twice!
500
00:23:31,441 --> 00:23:33,678
[RACCOON LAUGHS]
501
00:23:41,384 --> 00:23:43,854
[GUNSHOTS FIRING]
502
00:23:45,189 --> 00:23:46,690
[PASSENGERS CLAMORING]
503
00:23:47,391 --> 00:23:48,426
[GUNSHOTS FIRING]
504
00:23:48,459 --> 00:23:50,996
Gotta tweet!
Must tweet!
505
00:23:53,930 --> 00:23:56,901
[RACCOONS SQUEAL]
506
00:23:58,869 --> 00:24:01,205
Gah! Ah! I have to tweet!
507
00:24:01,238 --> 00:24:04,875
You gonna post this
on the Internet, newsman?
508
00:24:04,909 --> 00:24:06,377
Get the hell out of here!
509
00:24:06,410 --> 00:24:10,114
Everybody play it smart and put
the smart phones in the bag.
510
00:24:15,085 --> 00:24:17,320
- MAN 1: Help!
- MAN 2: Help.
511
00:24:17,353 --> 00:24:20,325
Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho!
512
00:24:21,357 --> 00:24:22,926
Holy shit!
513
00:24:25,863 --> 00:24:27,265
[CHILD SCREAMS]
514
00:24:27,297 --> 00:24:29,233
[RACCOON SQUEALING]
515
00:24:30,334 --> 00:24:31,402
What the hell?
516
00:24:33,203 --> 00:24:34,705
[GRUNTING]
517
00:24:37,274 --> 00:24:38,276
[RACCOON SCREAMS]
518
00:24:39,809 --> 00:24:41,979
Looks like we got too
many cooks in the kitchen.
519
00:24:42,346 --> 00:24:43,347
Get on it.
520
00:24:45,882 --> 00:24:47,117
[PANTING]
521
00:24:47,151 --> 00:24:48,486
How the heck
did you do that?
522
00:24:48,518 --> 00:24:50,020
And what was that thing?
523
00:24:50,054 --> 00:24:51,221
It was a raccoon.
524
00:24:51,255 --> 00:24:52,790
And this is
just the beginning.
525
00:24:52,823 --> 00:24:53,925
[RACCOON SQUEALS]
526
00:24:53,958 --> 00:24:54,993
Get down!
527
00:25:01,832 --> 00:25:04,435
Looks like too many
chefs spoiled the soup.
528
00:25:04,468 --> 00:25:05,737
We're all clear here.
529
00:25:07,872 --> 00:25:09,474
Ranger Danger!
530
00:25:09,507 --> 00:25:11,174
Merry Christmas.
531
00:25:11,208 --> 00:25:12,710
Got ya a little present.
532
00:25:15,078 --> 00:25:16,413
All right, let's move!
533
00:25:16,447 --> 00:25:18,850
All aboard for the Lord.
534
00:25:21,017 --> 00:25:22,786
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
535
00:25:27,892 --> 00:25:29,026
TALK RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Instead of Santa Claus coming
536
00:25:29,059 --> 00:25:30,894
- down the chimney to give you gifts
- What the...
537
00:25:30,929 --> 00:25:33,797
TALK RADIO ANNOUNCER: It's the government
busting down your door to take your kids!
538
00:25:33,831 --> 00:25:35,300
Ladies and gentlemen,
wake up!
539
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:38,136
[RACCOON LAUGHING]
540
00:25:43,173 --> 00:25:45,876
How can the same shit
happen to the same guy twice?
541
00:25:47,510 --> 00:25:51,915
At least this time I know I bit
off something I can choo-choo.
542
00:25:55,286 --> 00:25:57,087
Oh, my God.
543
00:25:57,121 --> 00:25:58,922
Ranger Rick Danger!
544
00:25:58,956 --> 00:26:01,392
Merry Christmas,
Agent Chunksworth.
545
00:26:01,424 --> 00:26:04,294
Looks like you've just seen
the ghost of Christmas Past.
546
00:26:04,327 --> 00:26:06,863
Or should I say,
summers past?
547
00:26:06,896 --> 00:26:08,565
[LAUGHS MANICALLY]
548
00:26:08,598 --> 00:26:11,135
Shitsnakes, huh?
[LAUGHS]
549
00:26:13,269 --> 00:26:14,838
Agent Charlesworth.
550
00:26:14,872 --> 00:26:16,274
Jones!
551
00:26:16,306 --> 00:26:19,810
Looks like you've got yourself a
little bit of a raccoon problem.
552
00:26:20,443 --> 00:26:23,480
[SQUEALING]
553
00:26:28,485 --> 00:26:29,887
Make yourselves comfortable
554
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:30,988
You want some music?
555
00:26:31,020 --> 00:26:32,289
You guys like bands, right?
556
00:26:32,323 --> 00:26:33,925
They said you were dead, Danger.
557
00:26:33,958 --> 00:26:35,959
In fact, they said
you all were dead.
558
00:26:35,992 --> 00:26:37,160
[LAUGHS MANICALLY]
559
00:26:37,193 --> 00:26:40,864
As any good scientist knows,
if no one sees a dead body,
560
00:26:40,898 --> 00:26:43,901
then no one knows
if that body is dead for real.
561
00:26:43,933 --> 00:26:45,402
Isn't that what
happened to you, too?
562
00:26:45,436 --> 00:26:46,337
Now don't get me wrong,
563
00:26:46,371 --> 00:26:49,140
we all got the shit
scratched out of us.
564
00:26:49,172 --> 00:26:51,041
But it wasn't nothing
we couldn't handle.
565
00:26:51,075 --> 00:26:53,110
We're not a bunch
of pussy college kids!
566
00:26:53,142 --> 00:26:56,413
I think it's great you got
so rich and successful
567
00:26:56,447 --> 00:27:00,218
training raccoons for the
military, but I guess you forgot
568
00:27:00,250 --> 00:27:03,186
there were a few more of us who
knew the secrets of the campground.
569
00:27:03,219 --> 00:27:05,122
I get to tell you
that we know all about
570
00:27:05,154 --> 00:27:09,226
the secret satellite operated
by raccoons and that we want you
571
00:27:09,259 --> 00:27:12,462
to give us the shriek command
codes so we can steal it!
572
00:27:12,496 --> 00:27:13,998
What? How did you know?
573
00:27:14,030 --> 00:27:15,966
You military guys
gotta stop leaving your secret
574
00:27:15,999 --> 00:27:17,969
blueprints and files everywhere.
575
00:27:18,001 --> 00:27:21,238
You never know who's gonna get
their dirty lil' paws on 'em
576
00:27:22,105 --> 00:27:22,973
[SQUEALS]
577
00:27:23,007 --> 00:27:24,575
Looks like they're
all set up, Danger.
578
00:27:24,607 --> 00:27:26,844
Great! Hold on just a second.
579
00:27:28,077 --> 00:27:29,646
Merry Christmas Eve, folks.
580
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,917
This is your main bad guy,
Ranger Rick Danger speaking.
581
00:27:32,950 --> 00:27:35,353
Welcome aboard
the Holiday Express.
582
00:27:35,385 --> 00:27:38,922
Or as I like to call it,
Raccoon Railways.
583
00:27:38,956 --> 00:27:41,192
[OVER SPEAKER] We will only
be making express stops
584
00:27:41,225 --> 00:27:44,362
and by express stops,
I mean one.
585
00:27:44,394 --> 00:27:46,196
Ranger Rick Danger?
586
00:27:46,229 --> 00:27:48,298
DANGER: You've been loaded
onto the back of this train
587
00:27:48,332 --> 00:27:50,601
for your own safety
and have probably noticed
588
00:27:50,633 --> 00:27:53,237
the adorable,
but highly-deadly raccoons
589
00:27:53,269 --> 00:27:55,238
with tiny wittle machine guns!
590
00:27:55,271 --> 00:27:56,673
If you do anything
they don't like,
591
00:27:56,707 --> 00:27:59,010
they are ready,
willing and able
592
00:27:59,043 --> 00:28:01,145
to pull those
tiny triggers and kill ya!
593
00:28:01,178 --> 00:28:04,348
These little furballs
are government trained killers
594
00:28:04,381 --> 00:28:06,550
and we're all
here for revenge.
595
00:28:06,583 --> 00:28:08,386
Revenge, huh?
596
00:28:08,419 --> 00:28:10,088
Two can play
at that game.
597
00:28:15,359 --> 00:28:17,295
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
598
00:28:20,430 --> 00:28:23,366
Now, how about those shriek
command codes for PEN15?
599
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:25,603
We'll never give you the shriek
command codes, Danger!
600
00:28:25,635 --> 00:28:27,504
And even if we did,
how are you going
601
00:28:27,537 --> 00:28:29,306
to translate them
into raccoon sounds
602
00:28:29,340 --> 00:28:30,708
without the voice
modulation masks?
603
00:28:30,740 --> 00:28:32,242
All those are locked away
deep in a...
604
00:28:32,276 --> 00:28:34,978
In a secret bunker just
outside Independence?
605
00:28:35,011 --> 00:28:37,414
We know all about it,
Chumplesjunk.
606
00:28:37,448 --> 00:28:38,950
[SPOON SIZZLES]
607
00:28:41,084 --> 00:28:42,987
Now, we know you'll do
whatever it takes
608
00:28:43,019 --> 00:28:45,155
to keep us from scooping out
the love of your life's
609
00:28:45,189 --> 00:28:47,557
cute lil' eyeball here
with this hot spoon.
610
00:28:47,591 --> 00:28:50,161
Now while this spoon
appears to be harmless,
611
00:28:50,193 --> 00:28:52,195
it's actually really super-hot!
612
00:28:52,228 --> 00:28:54,198
And when we stick it
up to your lady's face,
613
00:28:54,230 --> 00:28:55,365
it's gonna hurt!
614
00:28:55,399 --> 00:28:56,700
And then when
we scoop out her eye,
615
00:28:56,734 --> 00:28:58,369
she won't have
no eye anymore!
616
00:28:58,401 --> 00:28:59,636
Now won't that be fucked up?
617
00:28:59,670 --> 00:29:03,975
A-B-C.
618
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:08,546
One, two, three.
619
00:29:11,047 --> 00:29:13,183
Don't worry my love,
he can't do anything
620
00:29:13,217 --> 00:29:14,352
with the shriek command codes
621
00:29:14,384 --> 00:29:16,019
without the voice
modulation masks.
622
00:29:16,053 --> 00:29:18,488
Oh, really? Then why
is he doing all of this?
623
00:29:18,521 --> 00:29:20,490
God, you are such
a dumb set of dick and balls!
624
00:29:21,758 --> 00:29:22,660
CHARLESWORTH:
He doesn't even have a way
625
00:29:22,693 --> 00:29:24,261
to get the codes
to the PEN15 satellite.
626
00:29:24,295 --> 00:29:28,565
They need to be entered into the bunker's
transcoding system simultaneously.
627
00:29:28,598 --> 00:29:31,201
For God's sake, Woman!
Give him your code!
628
00:29:31,235 --> 00:29:34,604
E-I-E-I-O.
629
00:29:37,740 --> 00:29:41,045
[MOANS MOCKINGLY]
630
00:29:43,413 --> 00:29:45,983
Man, those are some
dumb codes!
631
00:29:47,418 --> 00:29:49,152
[RACCOON SQUEALING]
632
00:29:52,655 --> 00:29:54,459
[RACCOON GROWLS]
633
00:29:54,725 --> 00:29:56,459
[LAUGHS]
634
00:29:56,492 --> 00:29:59,095
DANGER: Yep, we've known
all about your secret raccoon
635
00:29:59,129 --> 00:30:01,132
space program
for some time now.
636
00:30:01,164 --> 00:30:03,066
Wasn't too hard to figure out.
637
00:30:03,100 --> 00:30:06,137
We even stole some of your
really cool satellite shit, too.
638
00:30:06,170 --> 00:30:09,239
That satellite's a smaller version
of the one you have in the bunker,
639
00:30:09,273 --> 00:30:12,343
and as long as we're on this
train, it'll work just fine.
640
00:30:26,789 --> 00:30:28,658
So what are you
doing now, prick?
641
00:30:28,691 --> 00:30:31,261
Oh, I'm just hacking
into the U.S. military's
642
00:30:31,295 --> 00:30:33,397
top secret
raccoon-controlled satellite.
643
00:30:33,430 --> 00:30:35,231
Ha! That's not possible.
644
00:30:35,265 --> 00:30:37,700
Oh, no?
Skippy! Pippy!
645
00:30:37,734 --> 00:30:39,637
[SQUEALING]
646
00:30:39,670 --> 00:30:41,072
You taught them English?
647
00:30:41,104 --> 00:30:42,506
You gave them names?
648
00:30:42,538 --> 00:30:43,540
.Yeah, it wasn't hard!
649
00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:46,643
.And here we go!
650
00:30:46,677 --> 00:30:48,212
[SQUEALING EXCITEDLY]
651
00:30:48,245 --> 00:30:50,113
[BEEPING]
652
00:30:52,682 --> 00:30:54,451
[POWERING UP]
653
00:30:55,651 --> 00:30:57,755
[RACCOON SOUNDS PLAYING]
654
00:31:05,895 --> 00:31:07,230
Shitsnakes.
655
00:31:21,178 --> 00:31:24,415
Oh, baby, we're in!
Daddy'd be so proud of me.
656
00:31:24,448 --> 00:31:26,717
Oh, I forgot all about them.
657
00:31:26,749 --> 00:31:28,251
[LAUGHS]
658
00:31:28,285 --> 00:31:29,853
Well, they've done
a lot of hard work today.
659
00:31:29,886 --> 00:31:32,188
We'll let them go home
for the holidays.
660
00:31:32,221 --> 00:31:34,325
- But you said...
- Move it, Chester!
661
00:31:36,492 --> 00:31:38,428
Jones, Billington, please!
662
00:31:38,461 --> 00:31:40,263
You don't realize
what you're doing!
663
00:31:40,296 --> 00:31:41,464
We used to be colleagues!
664
00:31:41,498 --> 00:31:43,234
We used to fight
these raccoons together!
665
00:31:43,267 --> 00:31:45,768
Those were the days
before you sold out!
666
00:31:45,802 --> 00:31:47,738
Oh, I'm dead for real now.
667
00:31:47,770 --> 00:31:49,373
Right this way, m'lady!
668
00:31:49,405 --> 00:31:50,640
Don't call me your lady.
669
00:31:50,673 --> 00:31:52,575
That's the language
of the patriarchy!
670
00:31:52,609 --> 00:31:54,879
Would saying
"ladies first" be sexist?
671
00:31:54,911 --> 00:31:56,380
Yes, it would!
672
00:31:56,412 --> 00:31:57,448
Okay, great
673
00:31:57,480 --> 00:31:58,849
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
674
00:32:00,816 --> 00:32:02,152
Ladies first!
675
00:32:02,186 --> 00:32:03,321
[SCREAMS]
676
00:32:04,787 --> 00:32:05,788
Jesus!
677
00:32:05,823 --> 00:32:08,592
While the rest of the world
was going digital,
678
00:32:08,624 --> 00:32:12,228
we made the PEN15
work for us by analog.
679
00:32:12,261 --> 00:32:14,565
You can put a bunch of
shriek command codes on here,
680
00:32:14,597 --> 00:32:16,867
or just a bunch
of raccoon porn.
681
00:32:21,404 --> 00:32:22,940
With all the satellite's
operating data
682
00:32:22,972 --> 00:32:25,742
stored on this VHS tape,
no one can hack into our system.
683
00:32:25,776 --> 00:32:27,510
Unless they've got
two VCRs,
684
00:32:27,544 --> 00:32:28,813
which is pretty fucking rare.
685
00:32:32,348 --> 00:32:33,616
Oh, boy!
686
00:32:33,650 --> 00:32:34,919
Looks like we got
687
00:32:34,951 --> 00:32:36,921
some shriek command codes
to blow some shit up!
688
00:32:36,953 --> 00:32:37,954
Okay, Danger.
689
00:32:37,988 --> 00:32:40,290
Ticklesturd and the woman
are both dead for real,
690
00:32:40,324 --> 00:32:42,392
got the hostages in
the back of the train.
691
00:32:42,426 --> 00:32:43,727
We better make
sure these little fellas
692
00:32:43,759 --> 00:32:46,564
have it under control.
I don't want any boo-boos.
693
00:32:51,434 --> 00:32:52,536
DANGER:
Okay, boys and girls.
694
00:32:52,568 --> 00:32:54,171
Let's get it started in here!
695
00:32:54,770 --> 00:32:56,406
[RACCOON SOUNDS PLAY]
696
00:33:03,814 --> 00:33:06,517
- [ALARM BEEPING]
- What the freak is going on?
697
00:33:06,549 --> 00:33:07,951
PEN15 ANNOUNCER:
PEN15 missing!
698
00:33:07,985 --> 00:33:09,753
PEN15 can't be found!
699
00:33:09,786 --> 00:33:11,788
Tammy, get me
a freaking report!
700
00:33:11,822 --> 00:33:14,458
TAMMY: The space
thingy's gone bye-bye!
701
00:33:14,490 --> 00:33:15,992
What do you mean?
What bye-bye?
702
00:33:16,026 --> 00:33:17,961
PEN15!
703
00:33:17,995 --> 00:33:19,162
Bring it up on the screen.
704
00:33:19,196 --> 00:33:21,665
We can't! It's like somebody
stole it or something!
705
00:33:21,698 --> 00:33:25,002
SECRETARY: Oh, goddamnit! We were
almost out of here for the holidays!
706
00:33:25,035 --> 00:33:25,936
Okay, here's
what we do.
707
00:33:25,969 --> 00:33:27,770
We're going to go
to Code Crazy status,
708
00:33:27,804 --> 00:33:30,341
we re gonna call Tom Puncher,
Agent Charlesworth
709
00:33:30,373 --> 00:33:31,909
and Agent Woman
as soon as possible.
710
00:33:31,941 --> 00:33:32,977
Yes, sir!
711
00:33:33,009 --> 00:33:34,511
Mr. Jones, Dr. Billington
712
00:33:34,545 --> 00:33:38,748
The military's top secret raccoon-controlled
satellite belongs to us now.
713
00:33:39,015 --> 00:33:40,651
[LAUGHS]
714
00:33:41,884 --> 00:33:43,954
[ALL LAUGHING MANICALLY]
715
00:33:52,763 --> 00:33:54,732
- [GASPS]
- Oh, God!
716
00:33:54,765 --> 00:33:55,800
DOUBLE A:
Come on, get in there!
717
00:33:58,000 --> 00:33:59,036
Oh, man! I thought
you were one of those
718
00:33:59,068 --> 00:34:00,870
ugly beavers man,
with the guns!
719
00:34:00,903 --> 00:34:02,006
What are you doing
out there?
720
00:34:02,038 --> 00:34:04,575
- Oh, you know...
- [OBJECTS CLATTERING]
721
00:34:04,607 --> 00:34:05,475
...just hanging out.
722
00:34:05,508 --> 00:34:07,411
- What's behind that door?
- No, wait, wait!
723
00:34:07,443 --> 00:34:09,680
There's a bunch of those rodents out
there, man! Don t open it!
724
00:34:09,712 --> 00:34:11,448
What, are you trying to
become otter food or something?
725
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,517
They're not otters,
they're not beavers.
726
00:34:13,549 --> 00:34:15,852
They're raccoons.
And they're smart ones.
727
00:34:15,886 --> 00:34:17,255
Hold on.
How do you know that?
728
00:34:18,020 --> 00:34:19,723
Story of my life.
729
00:34:19,756 --> 00:34:22,826
Do we have all our rich foreign
clients online yet, Mr. Jones?
730
00:34:22,859 --> 00:34:26,864
Yep! We got Iran, Russia
and North Korea now on the line.
731
00:34:28,364 --> 00:34:29,632
Gentlemen, how are ya?
732
00:34:29,665 --> 00:34:32,035
Riding camels,
drinking vodka and me so horny?
733
00:34:32,069 --> 00:34:34,538
No, but seriously folks,
I'm going to show you what the U.S.
734
00:34:34,571 --> 00:34:35,806
military's been hiding from ya.
735
00:34:35,839 --> 00:34:38,942
I know many of you have a hard
time understanding the concept
736
00:34:38,975 --> 00:34:41,078
of a high-powered,
raccoon-operated satellite
737
00:34:41,111 --> 00:34:43,080
and let's face it,
who the fuck can blame ya?
738
00:34:43,113 --> 00:34:46,450
But do me a favor and keep a
close eye on the city of Cannes
739
00:34:46,482 --> 00:34:47,917
for the next few minutes.
740
00:34:47,951 --> 00:34:49,853
- [BEEPING]
- [ALARM CONTINUES BEEPING}]
741
00:34:49,886 --> 00:34:51,455
What the hell is going on?
742
00:34:51,488 --> 00:34:52,756
Oh, hey there Tom.
Nothing.
743
00:34:52,788 --> 00:34:54,591
We're locked out of the system
for the moment.
744
00:34:54,623 --> 00:34:55,892
I thought we
were the system!
745
00:34:55,926 --> 00:34:58,629
Anything from Agent Charlesworth
or Agent Woman yet?
746
00:34:58,661 --> 00:34:59,763
Negative, sir.
747
00:34:59,796 --> 00:35:01,332
Now this is
where it gets fun.
748
00:35:01,364 --> 00:35:03,433
Jones, you ever been to France?
749
00:35:03,466 --> 00:35:06,469
Nah, I always heard it was
a bunch of liberal pussies!
750
00:35:06,502 --> 00:35:09,006
Well, you wouldn't be wrong,
but it's also full of a bunch of
751
00:35:09,038 --> 00:35:10,807
wine-addicted people
who are gonna have to
752
00:35:10,841 --> 00:35:12,042
get a whole lot drunker
this Christmas
753
00:35:12,075 --> 00:35:14,745
when their prize film city
gets blown away
754
00:35:14,777 --> 00:35:17,413
with a raccoon operated
laser satellite!
755
00:35:17,446 --> 00:35:19,015
Look, man,
I can't die here, okay?
756
00:35:19,049 --> 00:35:21,352
I'm sick and tired of
these motherfucking coons
757
00:35:21,384 --> 00:35:22,819
on this motherfucking train!
758
00:35:24,488 --> 00:35:25,788
You mean raccoons, right?
759
00:35:25,821 --> 00:35:27,357
Of course!
What else would I mean?
760
00:35:27,390 --> 00:35:29,559
Double A! You're not
going to die on this train!
761
00:35:29,593 --> 00:35:30,895
Trust me, I was once like you.
762
00:35:30,928 --> 00:35:34,364
I lost the girl I loved and my
best friend to these raccoons,
763
00:35:34,397 --> 00:35:36,733
but I grew up,
I fought back and I won.
764
00:35:36,767 --> 00:35:39,102
And if I can do it,
you can, too.
765
00:35:39,136 --> 00:35:41,772
Now, is there some way
to contact the outside world
766
00:35:41,805 --> 00:35:43,940
on this train?
Like a pay phone?
767
00:35:43,973 --> 00:35:47,678
Uh, pay phone? You know we could
just try to get my smart phone.
768
00:35:47,710 --> 00:35:48,645
I mean,
they took everything else,
769
00:35:48,678 --> 00:35:50,646
but mine's in my bag
in the passenger car.
770
00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:51,915
I'm sorry,
a what phone?
771
00:35:51,948 --> 00:35:53,583
A smart phone?
772
00:35:53,616 --> 00:35:56,053
I mean, it's one of the most important
pieces of technology in the last ten years?
773
00:35:56,819 --> 00:35:57,720
Oh, right
774
00:35:57,754 --> 00:35:59,655
You've been in jail
the last ten years.
775
00:35:59,689 --> 00:36:01,524
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
776
00:36:02,993 --> 00:36:04,194
Now watch this, Jones.
777
00:36:04,227 --> 00:36:07,663
I'm about to turn Cannes into
"Can't be found on the map!"
778
00:36:07,696 --> 00:36:09,700
[CHUCKLES]
779
00:36:09,732 --> 00:36:11,901
Because it's about
to drop into the sea.
780
00:36:11,935 --> 00:36:15,471
Yeah, I got it.
That's a good one.
781
00:36:15,504 --> 00:36:16,839
Skippy! Pippy! Do it!
782
00:36:16,872 --> 00:36:18,575
[SQUEALING]
783
00:36:18,607 --> 00:36:20,643
[BEEPING]
784
00:36:20,676 --> 00:36:22,546
[RACCOON SQUEALS PLAYING]
785
00:36:24,948 --> 00:36:26,517
SECRETARY: There it is!
We got it back!
786
00:36:26,549 --> 00:36:27,850
TOM:
Oh, thank Christ.
787
00:36:27,884 --> 00:36:29,387
I'm going back
to the whorehouse.
788
00:36:30,053 --> 00:36:31,821
[ALARM BLARING]
789
00:36:33,656 --> 00:36:35,491
What the freak?
790
00:36:35,524 --> 00:36:37,827
Okay, so after I'm able
to use the tiny keyboard
791
00:36:37,861 --> 00:36:40,998
on the "smart phone," I'll be
able to find social media?
792
00:36:41,031 --> 00:36:43,600
Yeah, man. But look, never try to type
while driving. You know what I'm saying?
793
00:36:43,632 --> 00:36:46,002
That's partly why I hit a
raccoon ten years ago with my car
794
00:36:46,035 --> 00:36:48,104
- and ended up in jail!
- Wait a minute
795
00:36:48,138 --> 00:36:49,506
We do know each other!
796
00:36:49,538 --> 00:36:51,507
I got arrested that same
night in Independence!
797
00:36:51,540 --> 00:36:52,942
Oh, my God.
798
00:36:52,975 --> 00:36:55,578
You hit the momma raccoon
that night and saved us.
799
00:36:55,611 --> 00:36:57,780
You do know
how to fight these raccoons.
800
00:36:57,814 --> 00:37:00,216
But this time,
we're not going to jail for it.
801
00:37:00,250 --> 00:37:02,018
This time,
we're gonna win.
802
00:37:02,051 --> 00:37:04,954
Destroyed buildings,
burning baguettes,
803
00:37:04,988 --> 00:37:07,024
thousands of rolls
of film on fire.
804
00:37:07,056 --> 00:37:09,692
France is about to look
like a World War II movie.
805
00:37:09,725 --> 00:37:11,727
PEN15 AIDE: It's processing
the shriek command codes!
806
00:37:11,761 --> 00:37:14,198
I can't make it
go offey!
807
00:37:14,230 --> 00:37:16,200
My God, they're
targeting Cannes!
808
00:37:16,232 --> 00:37:17,767
[LASER POWERING UP]
809
00:37:22,739 --> 00:37:25,108
It's going
into arming mode!
810
00:37:25,140 --> 00:37:26,709
Shut it off,
goddammit!
811
00:37:26,743 --> 00:37:29,078
They left me for dead,
threw me to the raccoons,
812
00:37:29,111 --> 00:37:31,714
said I couldn't fill
my daddy's shoes!
813
00:37:31,747 --> 00:37:33,950
They're activating a
full scale seismic blast!
814
00:37:33,984 --> 00:37:35,853
Freaking shut it down!
815
00:37:38,922 --> 00:37:41,058
The abort shriek commands
aren't going through!
816
00:37:41,091 --> 00:37:43,893
No one's gonna laugh at the name
Ranger Rick Danger this year,
817
00:37:43,926 --> 00:37:45,195
or ever again!
818
00:38:00,009 --> 00:38:02,645
TOM: Shitsnakes?
What does that even mean?
819
00:38:02,678 --> 00:38:04,947
That's something Ranger
Rick Danger used to say.
820
00:38:04,980 --> 00:38:07,850
Call General Apathy at the
Pentagon as soon as possible.
821
00:38:07,884 --> 00:38:10,521
Actually, General Apathy is in
Independence this weekend.
822
00:38:11,321 --> 00:38:13,556
He was here
for the holidays.
823
00:38:13,589 --> 00:38:16,125
Tell him Santa Claus
is stuck in a freaking chimney.
824
00:38:17,127 --> 00:38:19,863
Now, gentlemen, as you can see,
our high powered,
825
00:38:19,895 --> 00:38:23,299
raccoon-operated
satellite is fully operational.
826
00:38:23,332 --> 00:38:24,868
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
827
00:38:37,781 --> 00:38:39,983
DANGER: Now that was just a
little present for Christmas Eve.
828
00:38:40,015 --> 00:38:42,184
Our big old gift
under a Christmas tree
829
00:38:42,218 --> 00:38:44,187
is called the Denver
International Airport,
830
00:38:44,219 --> 00:38:47,256
where the U.S. government built
a top secret military bunker
831
00:38:47,290 --> 00:38:49,259
that they won't even
tell their citizens about!
832
00:38:49,292 --> 00:38:51,929
With the PEN15,
we can take out the bunker,
833
00:38:51,962 --> 00:38:56,333
split the Rocky Mountains in two and
divide the United States forever.
834
00:38:56,366 --> 00:38:59,102
The fee for this
convenient empire removal?
835
00:38:59,134 --> 00:39:01,203
One gazillion dollars!
836
00:39:01,236 --> 00:39:04,073
One gazillion dollars?
837
00:39:05,808 --> 00:39:07,577
I just, I just made up
a number, I...
838
00:39:08,712 --> 00:39:10,113
Ah, shit.
839
00:39:10,145 --> 00:39:12,682
What the hell is all this?
840
00:39:12,716 --> 00:39:13,917
I don't know, General.
841
00:39:13,950 --> 00:39:15,819
And I bet Congress
doesn't know either.
842
00:39:15,852 --> 00:39:18,254
Generals! Thanks
so much for coming.
843
00:39:18,288 --> 00:39:20,257
Uh, and happy holidays.
844
00:39:20,290 --> 00:39:22,125
Shut up, Mr. Secretary.
845
00:39:22,158 --> 00:39:24,261
What's really going
on around here?
846
00:39:24,294 --> 00:39:25,696
And don't tell
me it's one of those
847
00:39:25,728 --> 00:39:27,997
food stamp phone
bank deals either.
848
00:39:28,031 --> 00:39:30,233
[LAUGHS]
That's a funny one, sir.
849
00:39:30,265 --> 00:39:32,234
Okay, bring up
the data images.
850
00:39:32,268 --> 00:39:35,172
So, sir, what we're looking at
up here is PEN15,
851
00:39:35,205 --> 00:39:38,141
a brand new, recently
launched laser satellite
852
00:39:38,174 --> 00:39:40,811
that's part of our
raccoon weapons program.
853
00:39:40,843 --> 00:39:42,278
It's operated by raccoons
854
00:39:42,312 --> 00:39:46,016
and can only be communicated
with via raccoon sounds.
855
00:39:46,049 --> 00:39:49,018
I've seen bigger, but what
the hell does this thing do?
856
00:39:49,051 --> 00:39:51,254
GENERAL NEGLIGENCE: It's fancy
Pentagon speech, General.
857
00:39:51,286 --> 00:39:53,390
It's one of those
Tesla earthquake machines.
858
00:39:53,422 --> 00:39:54,924
I thought they canned it,
859
00:39:54,957 --> 00:39:58,127
but those clowns got funding through
the Secretary's dumb raccoon program.
860
00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:00,262
GENERAL:
I thought we shut that down!
861
00:40:00,296 --> 00:40:02,131
The CIA financed the project.
862
00:40:02,165 --> 00:40:04,067
What? You're telling me
863
00:40:04,100 --> 00:40:07,871
that your raccoon weapons
program went into space?
864
00:40:07,904 --> 00:40:09,506
So, General,
here's the problem.
865
00:40:09,538 --> 00:40:14,076
The raccoons at the moment are being controlled
by somebody else and we can't stop it.
866
00:40:14,109 --> 00:40:16,646
My God. The earthquake
that hit Cannes?
867
00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:19,950
We already have a disinformation
campaign in full swing, General.
868
00:40:19,982 --> 00:40:21,283
We're blaming it
on fracking.
869
00:40:21,317 --> 00:40:24,286
Fracking? What
the frack is fracking?
870
00:40:24,319 --> 00:40:27,323
I guess that's what we should
expect from the CIA these days!
871
00:40:27,357 --> 00:40:30,427
Okay, we are now going
into Code Lunacy status, folks.
872
00:40:30,460 --> 00:40:33,664
So let's find this
raccoon satellite now!
873
00:40:34,297 --> 00:40:36,834
[GRUNTS AND PANTS]
874
00:41:10,100 --> 00:41:12,268
Jesus, this keyboard
is tiny.
875
00:41:18,841 --> 00:41:22,111
[ALARM BLARING]
876
00:41:22,145 --> 00:41:24,014
Did someone leave
a smartphone on back there?
877
00:41:24,047 --> 00:41:25,882
Why don't you furballs go
in there and it check out!
878
00:41:25,915 --> 00:41:27,250
[SCREECHES IN AGREEMENT]
879
00:41:28,752 --> 00:41:30,053
[PHONE TICKING]
880
00:41:30,085 --> 00:41:32,122
[RACCOON GROWLING]
881
00:41:43,466 --> 00:41:45,969
[SQUEAKS QUESTIONINGLY]
882
00:41:53,877 --> 00:41:55,746
[SCREAMS]
883
00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:05,355
Oh, I should
probably be careful
884
00:42:05,388 --> 00:42:06,790
wearing a hoodie
around here.
885
00:42:11,393 --> 00:42:13,296
[PHONE TICKING]
886
00:42:19,102 --> 00:42:21,270
Say there Billy boy,
will you go check on
887
00:42:21,303 --> 00:42:23,973
the lil' guy I sent
back to the sleeping car?
888
00:42:24,006 --> 00:42:26,175
He might need
a lil' human help.
889
00:42:26,542 --> 00:42:27,977
Sure thing.
890
00:42:37,553 --> 00:42:40,556
Okay, Danger, looks like they're
ready to call the bunker.
891
00:42:40,589 --> 00:42:43,893
Fuck, yeah! Time to say Merry
Christmas to the Mayor, boys.
892
00:42:46,196 --> 00:42:49,366
Oh, man! Where'd you get
that tiny machine gun?
893
00:42:49,399 --> 00:42:50,801
From a little friend.
894
00:42:50,834 --> 00:42:51,902
Did you find
any weapons?
895
00:42:51,935 --> 00:42:54,070
Naw, man, I just found
this hoodie and a sandwich.
896
00:42:54,102 --> 00:42:55,371
And I ate the sandwich.
897
00:42:55,404 --> 00:42:57,339
Hey, any luck
with my smartphone?
898
00:42:57,372 --> 00:43:01,477
It wasn't easy, but if I was
able to use that tiny keyboard
899
00:43:01,511 --> 00:43:03,781
then you can use
this tiny machine gun.
900
00:43:10,853 --> 00:43:12,122
Hold it like that
901
00:43:12,156 --> 00:43:13,190
You might need to pull the
trigger with your pinky finger.
902
00:43:13,223 --> 00:43:15,793
Aw, come on, man,
my fingers aren't that chubby.
903
00:43:23,165 --> 00:43:24,301
Something's afoot!
904
00:43:25,067 --> 00:43:26,569
[IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
What's up?
905
00:43:26,602 --> 00:43:27,970
How are you?
906
00:43:28,971 --> 00:43:30,272
Now, who the hell
is that?
907
00:43:30,306 --> 00:43:32,843
My God, that's
Ranger Rick Danger!
908
00:43:32,875 --> 00:43:36,011
Well, technically not a Ranger
anymore, Mr. Mayor,
909
00:43:36,044 --> 00:43:40,382
or should I say Mr. Secretary,
since you fired me ten years ago
910
00:43:40,415 --> 00:43:41,884
and tossed me away.
911
00:43:41,917 --> 00:43:43,953
As you can see,
I've survived
912
00:43:43,986 --> 00:43:47,323
and taken the time to learn all the
neat weapons you left on the campground,
913
00:43:47,357 --> 00:43:49,092
including the raccoons!
914
00:43:49,125 --> 00:43:51,261
And at this point,
you're probably wondering
915
00:43:51,294 --> 00:43:53,864
how we took control
of the PEN15!
916
00:43:53,897 --> 00:43:56,433
I wish Agent Chumpleshirt
and his lady friend
917
00:43:56,466 --> 00:43:57,933
could tell you all about it,
918
00:43:57,966 --> 00:44:00,336
but unfortunately,
they're dead for real now.
919
00:44:00,370 --> 00:44:01,404
Come on!
920
00:44:01,437 --> 00:44:04,241
I'm knobbing
as fast I can!
921
00:44:04,274 --> 00:44:07,277
And since you guys probably
know where PEN15 fired from,
922
00:44:07,310 --> 00:44:09,379
you think you're
gonna find it real soon.
923
00:44:09,411 --> 00:44:10,613
Jones!
924
00:44:10,647 --> 00:44:13,415
That little furball we sent to
the sleeping car is missing!
925
00:44:13,448 --> 00:44:15,551
Missing?
Where'd he go?
926
00:44:15,585 --> 00:44:18,455
I don't know! I don't have
the slightest idea!
927
00:44:18,488 --> 00:44:22,192
As you can see by
PEN15's little demo today,
928
00:44:22,225 --> 00:44:26,096
your high-powered raccoon-operated
satellite works like a dream.
929
00:44:26,129 --> 00:44:29,598
And now I'm going to use it and
make it work like a nightmare.
930
00:44:29,631 --> 00:44:32,468
In 40 minutes,
when the PEN15 is in place,
931
00:44:32,502 --> 00:44:38,007
I'm gonna use it to hit Denver
with a 9,999 percent blast!
932
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:40,009
Y'all like blasts, right?
933
00:44:40,042 --> 00:44:42,077
Well, I'm going to use it
to blow up the secret bunker
934
00:44:42,111 --> 00:44:44,647
you say isn't
under the Denver airport.
935
00:44:44,681 --> 00:44:46,250
[COUGHS]
936
00:44:47,015 --> 00:44:48,350
Son of a bitch!
937
00:44:48,384 --> 00:44:51,521
There'll be destruction,
desolation and dang it!
938
00:44:51,553 --> 00:44:53,589
They'll have
to redo all the maps.
939
00:44:53,622 --> 00:44:56,225
And you thought
the country was divided now.
940
00:44:56,259 --> 00:44:57,560
Oh, and one more thing.
941
00:44:57,593 --> 00:44:59,462
I was always a pretty
sweet Ranger.
942
00:44:59,495 --> 00:45:01,230
And my daddy
was a good Ranger, too.
943
00:45:01,263 --> 00:45:03,999
And when the raccoons
took over the campground,
944
00:45:04,033 --> 00:45:06,368
you didn't give me what I
needed to take care of them.
945
00:45:06,402 --> 00:45:08,238
You betrayed me,
Mr. Mayor.
946
00:45:08,270 --> 00:45:09,339
You betrayed your country,
947
00:45:09,372 --> 00:45:13,243
and now the raccoons
are coming home to roost.
948
00:45:13,276 --> 00:45:14,511
[IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Until we meet again.
949
00:45:14,544 --> 00:45:15,978
Assholes!
950
00:45:16,011 --> 00:45:17,479
GENERAL:
Oh, Jesus Christ!
951
00:45:17,513 --> 00:45:20,049
Can somebody tell me
what "dos vidaniya" means?
952
00:45:22,352 --> 00:45:24,386
- Where do you think he went?
- I don t know!
953
00:45:24,419 --> 00:45:25,654
BILLY: I'll go
check the kitchen.
954
00:45:25,687 --> 00:45:27,589
Can somebody
please let me know
955
00:45:27,622 --> 00:45:32,227
if we can track down this Danger
guy before he blows up Denver?
956
00:45:32,261 --> 00:45:34,096
Maybe we should
check the Moscow airport.
957
00:45:34,129 --> 00:45:36,966
Well, sir, the fact of the
matter is we have to look through
958
00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:39,703
the entire Earth's
atmosphere to find this thing.
959
00:45:39,736 --> 00:45:41,004
It's going to be tough.
960
00:45:41,036 --> 00:45:44,040
Maybe we could
find it in the sky!
961
00:45:44,073 --> 00:45:46,442
What? What are you
talking about?
962
00:45:46,475 --> 00:45:50,312
I mean, the satellite thingy's
in the sky
963
00:45:50,346 --> 00:45:54,417
and then we should
probably be looking in the sky,
964
00:45:54,450 --> 00:45:58,620
cause that's where
the satellite thingy was,
965
00:45:58,654 --> 00:46:00,090
you know?
966
00:46:00,122 --> 00:46:01,256
GENERAL: Oh, okay.
967
00:46:01,290 --> 00:46:02,625
Sounds good,
I buy it.
968
00:46:02,658 --> 00:46:03,960
So where should we go?
969
00:46:03,993 --> 00:46:06,395
I need to get to the front of this
train and see if I can stop it.
970
00:46:06,428 --> 00:46:08,397
You harness that
energy you had ten years ago
971
00:46:08,431 --> 00:46:09,666
when you hit that
momma raccoon.
972
00:46:09,698 --> 00:46:10,967
I know you can do it!
973
00:46:15,071 --> 00:46:16,773
You know
what this is?
974
00:46:16,806 --> 00:46:18,708
This is what my
friend Casey gave me.
975
00:46:18,741 --> 00:46:21,143
He said he killed
the raccoon himself.
976
00:46:21,176 --> 00:46:24,513
That's right. I remember him
saying something about that.
977
00:46:24,547 --> 00:46:25,648
I thought he was crazy,
978
00:46:25,681 --> 00:46:27,417
but maybe he was
on to something.
979
00:46:27,450 --> 00:46:30,687
Exactly! He can
fight these raccoons,
980
00:46:30,719 --> 00:46:32,522
no matter
how cute they seem.
981
00:46:37,660 --> 00:46:39,663
[SQUEALING]
982
00:46:46,669 --> 00:46:51,274
Boys, it looks like there might
be a surprise in Santa's sack.
983
00:46:51,306 --> 00:46:53,343
Fellas, let's do
a double check.
984
00:46:53,375 --> 00:46:54,745
[RACCOON SQUEALS IN AGREEMENT]
985
00:47:10,125 --> 00:47:11,660
Fireworks and Wet Naps?
986
00:47:18,734 --> 00:47:20,303
We find anything yet?
987
00:47:21,571 --> 00:47:23,406
Checking now.
988
00:47:23,439 --> 00:47:25,308
[SQUEAKS IN NEGATIVE]
989
00:47:26,808 --> 00:47:29,478
The Lord has blessed
us with clearance up here.
990
00:47:29,511 --> 00:47:31,647
Did you check the
whole goddamn thing?
991
00:47:31,681 --> 00:47:34,584
Oh, my! I wish he wouldn't
use language like that.
992
00:47:34,616 --> 00:47:36,585
Will one of you boys
go check back there?
993
00:47:44,527 --> 00:47:45,562
[SQUEALS]
994
00:47:45,594 --> 00:47:47,230
God! He's up here
in the engine!
995
00:47:55,805 --> 00:47:57,806
Jones, we're getting
hit hard up here!
996
00:47:57,839 --> 00:48:00,477
Goddamn!
I'm on my way.
997
00:48:03,411 --> 00:48:05,348
God has nothing
to do with this.
998
00:48:20,529 --> 00:48:23,600
Any day now, gentlemen.
This is most unpleasant.
999
00:48:25,368 --> 00:48:26,703
[SQUEALS WEAKLY]
1000
00:48:26,736 --> 00:48:28,105
Come on, Doc!
1001
00:48:34,210 --> 00:48:36,613
[RACCOON SQUEALS]
1002
00:48:49,725 --> 00:48:51,261
[LAUGHS]
1003
00:48:53,395 --> 00:48:54,631
Oh, yeah.
Pippy got him!
1004
00:48:54,663 --> 00:48:56,332
Motherfucker
fell under the engine!
1005
00:48:56,364 --> 00:48:57,801
Check the wheels!
1006
00:49:00,969 --> 00:49:02,805
She got him.
1007
00:49:02,837 --> 00:49:06,509
Danger, our stowaway
has been exterminated.
1008
00:49:07,442 --> 00:49:08,777
DANGER:
You sure, Jones?
1009
00:49:08,810 --> 00:49:10,779
JONES: Doc says he went
under the wheels.
1010
00:49:10,812 --> 00:49:13,450
By now, the bastard's
reindeer meat.
1011
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:19,689
Goddamn.
1012
00:49:19,721 --> 00:49:21,457
That was
fucking frustrating.
1013
00:49:21,489 --> 00:49:23,426
Whoever that brave
motherfucker is,
1014
00:49:23,459 --> 00:49:25,495
he just took out a bunch
of our best raccoons.
1015
00:49:25,527 --> 00:49:26,763
All right, come on.
1016
00:49:35,738 --> 00:49:39,542
Jones, I thought you said you trained
these raccoons to be killing machines.
1017
00:49:39,575 --> 00:49:41,977
I trained these furballs
to be computer geniuses
1018
00:49:42,011 --> 00:49:43,446
and they're doing
a great fucking job.
1019
00:49:43,478 --> 00:49:46,815
They do pretty good against people
who never fought raccoons before,
1020
00:49:46,848 --> 00:49:49,718
but it's like this guy
has actually fought raccoons.
1021
00:49:49,752 --> 00:49:52,555
But where? And when?
1022
00:49:52,587 --> 00:49:55,658
And what the goddamn hell
was he doing on this train?
1023
00:49:55,690 --> 00:49:58,428
Jones was a pest
removal expert and avid hunter
1024
00:49:58,460 --> 00:50:00,763
from Independence whose
body was also never found.
1025
00:50:00,796 --> 00:50:02,665
He had inside knowledge
of the campground
1026
00:50:02,698 --> 00:50:03,933
and knew how to handle
any weapon.
1027
00:50:03,966 --> 00:50:07,536
Well, as usual, General, the CIA
isn't giving you the full story.
1028
00:50:07,569 --> 00:50:09,372
In addition to
Jones and Danger
1029
00:50:09,404 --> 00:50:12,374
and the now-probably-
dead-for-real Agent Charlesworth,
1030
00:50:12,408 --> 00:50:14,576
the other experts
at Raccoon Creek ten years ago
1031
00:50:14,609 --> 00:50:17,879
were the local pastor,
Reverend Pookie and Dr. Billington
1032
00:50:17,913 --> 00:50:19,382
from the campground's clinic.
1033
00:50:19,415 --> 00:50:21,317
Their bodies
were also never found.
1034
00:50:21,350 --> 00:50:22,785
Well sure, everybody knows
1035
00:50:22,817 --> 00:50:24,653
a number of the victims
were never found,
1036
00:50:24,687 --> 00:50:26,656
but that was all part of
the cover up, right?
1037
00:50:26,689 --> 00:50:28,991
We have to make sure that nobody
found out about this stuff.
1038
00:50:29,024 --> 00:50:30,859
Oh. Right, Mr. Secretary.
1039
00:50:30,893 --> 00:50:33,329
And your secret raccoon
weapons program
1040
00:50:33,361 --> 00:50:36,331
has been fucking everything
up for everybody ever since!.
1041
00:50:36,364 --> 00:50:37,667
And your point?
1042
00:50:37,700 --> 00:50:39,502
Jesus, get outta here,
will ya?
1043
00:50:41,370 --> 00:50:43,573
If these guys were hanging around
Raccoon Creek the last ten years,
1044
00:50:43,605 --> 00:50:45,007
they probably know
everything we've been doing.
1045
00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:47,477
They know the campground
better than anybody
1046
00:50:47,509 --> 00:50:48,578
and they probably
have chips on their shoulders.
1047
00:50:51,013 --> 00:50:52,748
A phone charger?
1048
00:50:52,781 --> 00:50:54,250
[PHONE TICKING]
1049
00:50:57,687 --> 00:50:59,455
Goddamn!
1050
00:51:01,556 --> 00:51:03,058
Oh, man, you're hit!
1051
00:51:03,091 --> 00:51:04,559
You think this
is getting hit?
1052
00:51:04,593 --> 00:51:05,661
This ain't getting hit.
1053
00:51:05,694 --> 00:51:08,464
Those bullets are so tiny,
I honestly have no idea
1054
00:51:08,497 --> 00:51:09,765
how so many
people have died.
1055
00:51:13,669 --> 00:51:16,406
DANGER: Looks like I need
a password for access.
1056
00:51:16,439 --> 00:51:18,375
I'll just try to crack
a few programs.
1057
00:51:19,542 --> 00:51:20,910
Now, let's see
what we've got.
1058
00:51:20,942 --> 00:51:24,046
Oh, looks like one of the
porters from the train.
1059
00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:26,582
Looks like he accessed
his social media account
1060
00:51:26,614 --> 00:51:27,917
off of some wifi in the area
1061
00:51:27,950 --> 00:51:31,520
and he sent a message...
to my old deputy.
1062
00:51:31,986 --> 00:51:33,321
Shane?
1063
00:51:33,355 --> 00:51:36,959
And we're gonna need turkey and
B-sprouts for Christmas dinner.
1064
00:51:36,991 --> 00:51:39,661
And get fruit. I love fruit!
1065
00:51:39,694 --> 00:51:40,830
But not that kind of fruit.
1066
00:51:41,864 --> 00:51:43,533
[PHONE CHIMES]
1067
00:51:43,565 --> 00:51:46,835
I think we're about there,
deep in the Appalachians.
1068
00:51:46,868 --> 00:51:49,504
Shit, we're in for a dark
Christmas in the dark.
1069
00:51:49,538 --> 00:51:51,574
We're gonna be
without roads, radio,
1070
00:51:51,607 --> 00:51:55,378
wifi or any kind of contact with
the outside world for three hours.
1071
00:51:55,410 --> 00:51:56,978
CASEY: Jesus.
1072
00:51:57,013 --> 00:51:59,649
I hope I did the Social Media good
enough to get a message through to Shane.
1073
00:51:59,681 --> 00:52:02,451
'Cause if not, we're the
only ones who can stop them.
1074
00:52:03,718 --> 00:52:05,321
How are you with VCRs?
1075
00:52:05,788 --> 00:52:06,989
Wait a minute.
1076
00:52:07,022 --> 00:52:09,025
The message isn't
signed by the porter.
1077
00:52:09,058 --> 00:52:13,463
It says, "Sincerely, Casey
Smallwood, also formerly known as Ty
1078
00:52:13,495 --> 00:52:15,864
and yes it really is me,
this is not a joke."
1079
00:52:15,897 --> 00:52:18,700
Smallwood?
The name sounds familiar.
1080
00:52:18,734 --> 00:52:21,504
Yeah, it sounds
really familiar.
1081
00:52:21,536 --> 00:52:23,772
Say, wasn't that the college
student everyone thought
1082
00:52:23,806 --> 00:52:25,641
killed the raccoon
ten years ago?
1083
00:52:25,674 --> 00:52:27,977
DANGER: Oh, yeah!
Tom. Tom Smallwood!
1084
00:52:28,009 --> 00:52:29,544
Didn't he try
to fight the raccoons
1085
00:52:29,578 --> 00:52:31,413
with that old hippie
that lived in the forest?
1086
00:52:31,446 --> 00:52:33,915
Jeff Tuck? You think he's
not dead for real either?
1087
00:52:33,948 --> 00:52:36,118
No way! We would've
seen him by now.
1088
00:52:36,152 --> 00:52:39,489
Besides, that old hippie used
to just poop in the woods
1089
00:52:39,522 --> 00:52:41,056
and bone animals.
1090
00:52:41,089 --> 00:52:43,692
[ALL LAUGH BOISTEROUSLY]
1091
00:52:54,669 --> 00:52:56,939
- Okay.
- What? What?
1092
00:53:01,843 --> 00:53:05,614
But seriously, if this Smallwood
kid isn't dead for real
1093
00:53:05,647 --> 00:53:07,517
and he has experience
fighting the raccoons,
1094
00:53:07,549 --> 00:53:10,620
he is literally the one person
we don't want on this train!
1095
00:53:10,652 --> 00:53:12,421
Say, Billy boy.
1096
00:53:12,455 --> 00:53:14,857
When you looked under
the train for the stowaway,
1097
00:53:14,890 --> 00:53:16,158
did you actually
see the body?
1098
00:53:16,192 --> 00:53:17,660
Well, I saw
some train tracks
1099
00:53:17,692 --> 00:53:20,497
and some blood
and I just presumed.
1100
00:53:22,497 --> 00:53:26,501
Presumption is
the father of all boo-boos!
1101
00:53:26,535 --> 00:53:28,904
I'm sorry!
Just, no more slapping.
1102
00:53:28,937 --> 00:53:31,973
With all the scars on my face and
the missing chunks and what not.
1103
00:53:32,006 --> 00:53:34,576
I want all hands
and paws on deck!
1104
00:53:34,609 --> 00:53:36,478
I want this train
searched left side,
1105
00:53:36,511 --> 00:53:39,080
right side, inside, outside,
from floor to ceiling!
1106
00:53:39,114 --> 00:53:41,551
We will not be
defeated by Smallwoods!
1107
00:53:45,087 --> 00:53:46,122
Come on!
1108
00:53:46,154 --> 00:53:48,690
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
1109
00:53:54,797 --> 00:53:57,233
You really think this
Smallwood kid is still alive?
1110
00:53:57,265 --> 00:54:00,135
I mean, until someone sees a
corpse that's dead for real,
1111
00:54:00,169 --> 00:54:03,638
I'll always think it's possible,
especially given our situation.
1112
00:54:03,672 --> 00:54:04,974
Okay.
1113
00:54:05,006 --> 00:54:07,476
Then why the fuck
is he on this train?
1114
00:54:07,509 --> 00:54:08,844
Pull up the passenger list.
1115
00:54:08,877 --> 00:54:10,779
Let's see if he was
with anyone else.
1116
00:54:10,812 --> 00:54:12,747
DANGER: You don t think he was
on here with Tuck, do you?
1117
00:54:12,781 --> 00:54:14,083
Or that Arab?
1118
00:54:14,116 --> 00:54:16,552
There's only one
way to find out. Print it!
1119
00:54:16,585 --> 00:54:18,221
DANGER: So what are you
gonna look for? Tuck?
1120
00:54:18,254 --> 00:54:20,156
- Some Arab?
- I don't know
1121
00:54:20,189 --> 00:54:21,991
But a man who fights raccoons
1122
00:54:22,024 --> 00:54:25,995
wouldn't leave his plus-one
unprotected in a situation like this.
1123
00:54:28,663 --> 00:54:30,533
Oh, snap,
fifteen missed notifications?
1124
00:54:31,734 --> 00:54:34,670
Ooh, who's this
grande latte?
1125
00:54:34,703 --> 00:54:35,771
[CHUCKLES]
1126
00:54:35,803 --> 00:54:37,105
O-M-G.
1127
00:54:37,939 --> 00:54:39,075
Jesus.
1128
00:54:44,013 --> 00:54:45,848
Aunt Sally's mittens!
1129
00:54:56,859 --> 00:55:01,130
Let us know
if you smell any... fear.
1130
00:55:01,163 --> 00:55:03,565
[RACCOON LAUGHS]
1131
00:55:08,770 --> 00:55:11,039
- What's he looking for?
- I don't know.
1132
00:55:11,073 --> 00:55:12,107
Hopefully not me.
1133
00:55:15,076 --> 00:55:16,178
I have an idea.
1134
00:55:16,210 --> 00:55:17,546
So what do we do now?
1135
00:55:17,580 --> 00:55:18,848
What do we do now?
1136
00:55:18,881 --> 00:55:21,518
Oh, we're gonna make
a little Christmas cocktail.
1137
00:55:30,960 --> 00:55:33,996
What's your name,
young lady?
1138
00:55:34,029 --> 00:55:36,799
Anderson. Andy Anderson.
1139
00:55:36,832 --> 00:55:37,834
Sounds made up!
1140
00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:39,234
And...
1141
00:55:39,835 --> 00:55:41,771
Nope, it's not on the list.
1142
00:55:41,803 --> 00:55:44,205
I work on the train,
at the bar.
1143
00:55:44,239 --> 00:55:48,010
And you don't have
a uniform like Shelley here?
1144
00:55:48,042 --> 00:55:50,078
Changed out of it when
you guys took over the train.
1145
00:55:52,114 --> 00:55:53,683
So how is this
supposed to work?
1146
00:55:53,716 --> 00:55:56,286
We just need to put a little
fire into these works.
1147
00:55:57,620 --> 00:55:58,754
DOUBLE A: What?
1148
00:55:58,786 --> 00:56:00,089
We just need
to shake it off.
1149
00:56:00,122 --> 00:56:01,857
Man, stop speaking
in song lyrics.
1150
00:56:05,861 --> 00:56:07,196
Well, well, well.
1151
00:56:07,228 --> 00:56:10,299
Who gave this to ya?
Might not be a good idea
1152
00:56:10,332 --> 00:56:12,902
- to wear that around these boys.
- [RACCOON GROWLS]
1153
00:56:15,337 --> 00:56:19,241
Wow, you're a brave
little motherfucker.
1154
00:56:19,274 --> 00:56:22,011
You're gonna need a lot more
than tasers to hurt us, though.
1155
00:56:22,044 --> 00:56:24,279
Our bodies are mostly
scar-tissue at this point,
1156
00:56:24,312 --> 00:56:26,281
and that just feels tingly.
1157
00:56:28,317 --> 00:56:30,119
Hey, leave her alone!
1158
00:56:30,785 --> 00:56:32,621
- [SCREAMS]
- [PASSENGERS GASP]
1159
00:56:36,759 --> 00:56:38,294
Man, that doesn't
even make sense.
1160
00:56:38,326 --> 00:56:40,796
It'll make sense when
I charge my way to victory.
1161
00:56:41,663 --> 00:56:43,165
You ready to hit eject?
1162
00:56:48,069 --> 00:56:50,640
DANGER: Imagine a fire pit
along the Rocky Mountains.
1163
00:56:50,672 --> 00:56:52,908
It's gonna be like
a big ol' hot tub.
1164
00:56:57,312 --> 00:56:58,748
[SQUEAKS]
1165
00:57:01,716 --> 00:57:02,852
[GASPS]
1166
00:57:08,790 --> 00:57:10,325
Goddamn small dick!
1167
00:57:12,361 --> 00:57:14,631
[ALARM BLARING]
1168
00:57:15,397 --> 00:57:18,634
Shitsnakes!
We've lost PEN15!
1169
00:57:20,402 --> 00:57:22,304
I got the golden
VHS tape!
1170
00:57:22,337 --> 00:57:24,974
Nice! Now let's
get to the baggage car!
1171
00:57:25,006 --> 00:57:28,744
He took the golden VHS tape.
I can't do anything without it!
1172
00:57:31,046 --> 00:57:34,683
Come on! We're almost there!
1173
00:57:34,716 --> 00:57:37,385
He's headed for the baggage car
in the back of the train.
1174
00:57:37,419 --> 00:57:40,723
Don't shoot him.
He's got the VHS tape.
1175
00:57:42,357 --> 00:57:43,359
Oh!
1176
00:57:46,227 --> 00:57:47,396
They're off the train!
1177
00:57:52,835 --> 00:57:54,970
Pookie, stop the train!
1178
00:57:55,002 --> 00:57:58,040
Sure thing, Jones.
Let's give these boys a break!
1179
00:57:58,806 --> 00:58:00,343
[BRAKES SQUEALING]
1180
00:58:02,944 --> 00:58:04,113
[SQUEALING]
1181
00:58:17,158 --> 00:58:18,260
[ENGINE HISSING]
1182
00:58:20,928 --> 00:58:21,930
[GRUNTING]
1183
00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:27,703
[PANTING]
1184
00:58:31,473 --> 00:58:33,342
Okay, Reverend,
take us back.
1185
00:58:33,375 --> 00:58:34,911
Right. Okay.
1186
00:58:40,314 --> 00:58:41,917
[GRUNTS]
1187
00:58:43,051 --> 00:58:44,453
[SCREAMING]
1188
00:58:46,020 --> 00:58:47,156
Later on!
1189
00:58:51,058 --> 00:58:53,461
This train might as well
be a toy going around
1190
00:58:53,495 --> 00:58:55,998
a Christmas tree
without that VHS tape.
1191
00:58:56,031 --> 00:58:59,736
Couldn't you just have
made some other copies?
1192
00:59:01,069 --> 00:59:02,271
Yeah, I...
1193
00:59:02,303 --> 00:59:04,773
I definitely
could've done that.
1194
00:59:04,806 --> 00:59:07,410
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
1195
00:59:11,113 --> 00:59:12,381
Let's latch on here.
1196
00:59:19,221 --> 00:59:21,958
Be a doll and just
wait right here, would ya?
1197
00:59:25,993 --> 00:59:28,330
Okay, here we go.
1198
00:59:38,473 --> 00:59:41,076
It's the chubby porter!
Go get him!
1199
00:59:44,178 --> 00:59:47,348
Danger! Jones! It appears
Smallwood has an accomplice.
1200
00:59:47,381 --> 00:59:49,351
It's the chubby porter
with the smart phone.
1201
00:59:51,419 --> 00:59:54,455
DR. BILLINGTON: He's getting
away with the golden VHS tape!
1202
00:59:54,489 --> 00:59:56,158
DANGER: Well,
don't shoot the chub chub.
1203
00:59:56,190 --> 00:59:57,526
We can't let
anything happen to it.
1204
01:00:02,531 --> 01:00:05,267
I bet you want that golden VHS
tape, don't ya?
1205
01:00:05,299 --> 01:00:06,835
[RACCOON SQUEALS]
1206
01:00:06,868 --> 01:00:08,904
Well, too bad.
It's down there.
1207
01:00:12,573 --> 01:00:14,509
[RACCOON SQUEALS]
1208
01:00:15,977 --> 01:00:17,145
Where'd the chubby
porter go?
1209
01:00:17,178 --> 01:00:19,381
I don't know! A few cars
down that way.
1210
01:00:23,218 --> 01:00:24,486
[GRUNTING]
1211
01:00:29,892 --> 01:00:31,259
[RACCOON SCREECHES]
1212
01:00:31,292 --> 01:00:33,194
Oh, shit, man!
Hands up. Don't shoot, man!
1213
01:00:33,227 --> 01:00:36,297
Come on, look what do you want,
the golden VHS, man?
1214
01:00:36,330 --> 01:00:38,033
Look, man,
I dropped it somewhere.
1215
01:00:38,065 --> 01:00:40,569
Like, I think it's under
the train or something, man.
1216
01:00:40,602 --> 01:00:43,172
Come on, brother,
all I got is your coon ass!.
1217
01:00:44,605 --> 01:00:46,908
Ho! There goes
the chubby porter.
1218
01:00:50,379 --> 01:00:52,147
Goddamn!
1219
01:00:57,018 --> 01:00:58,020
Oh, shit!
1220
01:01:01,156 --> 01:01:02,190
Okay, Reverend.
1221
01:01:02,223 --> 01:01:04,593
Take us to Washington,
full steam.
1222
01:01:06,594 --> 01:01:08,263
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
1223
01:01:11,565 --> 01:01:12,901
Aw, no!
1224
01:01:25,547 --> 01:01:27,216
[PANTING]
1225
01:01:33,455 --> 01:01:34,657
Well, I guess
your small dick buddy
1226
01:01:34,689 --> 01:01:36,258
wasn't as good
as I thought.
1227
01:01:44,665 --> 01:01:47,468
Okay, Danger,
you're back in the game.
1228
01:01:47,502 --> 01:01:49,404
Now make
that banana split.
1229
01:01:56,310 --> 01:01:57,613
Goddamn it, Casey.
1230
01:01:59,314 --> 01:02:02,484
[SIGHS] Maybe
I am still Ty.
1231
01:02:02,517 --> 01:02:04,620
MAN: I'd take you
over Charlie any day.
1232
01:02:08,556 --> 01:02:09,959
Tuck?
1233
01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:14,596
Okay, ladies and germs,
we're back online.
1234
01:02:14,629 --> 01:02:16,464
And it looks like we
didn't lose anything vital
1235
01:02:16,497 --> 01:02:18,099
for splitting
the country in two.
1236
01:02:18,132 --> 01:02:19,234
Let's do it.
1237
01:02:19,267 --> 01:02:21,736
I'm locking PEN15
into Denver now.
1238
01:02:21,770 --> 01:02:25,040
The mile high city will be
a cloud of weed smoke
1239
01:02:25,073 --> 01:02:28,176
in 20 minutes.
1240
01:02:28,210 --> 01:02:31,247
Ah! Looks like that Danger piece
of shit started another countdown!
1241
01:02:35,082 --> 01:02:37,685
But I thought
you were dead for real!
1242
01:02:37,718 --> 01:02:41,489
Oh, come on, man. Everyone else
ain't dead for real, why not me, bro?
1243
01:02:42,390 --> 01:02:43,291
But how?
1244
01:02:43,326 --> 01:02:45,561
Well, I survived the big
fireworks explosion,
1245
01:02:45,593 --> 01:02:47,528
then I just kept living in
the woods like I always did.
1246
01:02:47,562 --> 01:02:50,199
Then the Mayor and U.S.
military turned the campground
1247
01:02:50,232 --> 01:02:53,469
into a big weapons facility to
harness the power of the raccoons.
1248
01:02:53,502 --> 01:02:56,171
Then it turns out Ranger Danger
and those jerkholes weren't dead
1249
01:02:56,203 --> 01:02:58,207
for real either,
so I just laid low,
1250
01:02:58,239 --> 01:03:00,542
kept tabs on everybody,
and then when they made their move,
1251
01:03:00,575 --> 01:03:01,643
I made mine, man.
1252
01:03:01,676 --> 01:03:04,145
I, uh, kept pretty good
track of everybody so far,
1253
01:03:04,178 --> 01:03:06,614
but, uh, then I had to stop
and uh, get a little high.
1254
01:03:06,647 --> 01:03:08,249
[LAUGHS]
1255
01:03:08,283 --> 01:03:10,085
Oh, Tuck,
I missed you, man!
1256
01:03:10,118 --> 01:03:12,388
Oh, man, all right, okay.
1257
01:03:12,421 --> 01:03:14,723
Those raccoons from
ten years ago, they're back!
1258
01:03:14,756 --> 01:03:15,991
They just attacked that train
1259
01:03:16,024 --> 01:03:18,594
and Ranger Danger and his
expert friends were there, too.
1260
01:03:18,627 --> 01:03:19,695
- You were right!
- Yeah, of course, man!
1261
01:03:19,727 --> 01:03:22,230
It's a big raccoon military
experiment gone wrong.
1262
01:03:22,263 --> 01:03:24,466
I have literally been
trying to say that for decades.
1263
01:03:24,498 --> 01:03:27,102
Come on, Tuck!
You taught me how to fight raccoons,
1264
01:03:27,134 --> 01:03:28,169
don't you want
to catch them?
1265
01:03:28,203 --> 01:03:30,372
I mean, you're here,
I'm here.
1266
01:03:30,404 --> 01:03:33,109
We're so close! You think
this is just a coincidence?
1267
01:03:34,109 --> 01:03:35,744
[TUCK RETCHES]
1268
01:03:35,777 --> 01:03:38,213
Oh, God. I'm so sorry, dude.
That was so gross.
1269
01:03:38,245 --> 01:03:39,580
No, that's my bad.
1270
01:03:39,614 --> 01:03:41,216
I should've expected that.
1271
01:03:41,248 --> 01:03:43,118
Dude, I totally
remember you, man!
1272
01:03:43,151 --> 01:03:45,254
We fought those
raccoons ten years ago, man.
1273
01:03:45,286 --> 01:03:46,321
That was a great time!
1274
01:03:46,353 --> 01:03:48,589
You're, uh,
you're Ty, right?
1275
01:03:48,622 --> 01:03:50,091
Yeah, that's me.
1276
01:03:51,125 --> 01:03:52,460
Now let's get on that train.
1277
01:03:54,296 --> 01:03:55,531
How did
you get here?
1278
01:03:55,564 --> 01:03:57,832
Oh, yeah, I actually have
a mode of transportation
1279
01:03:57,866 --> 01:03:59,802
that's a lot faster
with two people.
1280
01:03:59,835 --> 01:04:01,170
You in?
1281
01:04:01,203 --> 01:04:02,471
Of course!
What do I have to do?
1282
01:04:02,504 --> 01:04:04,073
I mean, I haven't
driven in like, ten years.
1283
01:04:04,105 --> 01:04:06,308
Oh, man, you don't need to drive.
How's your arm strength?
1284
01:04:06,341 --> 01:04:08,377
Pretty good.
I did just get out of the pen.
1285
01:04:08,410 --> 01:04:10,546
Oh, yeah? You been,
uh, jerking it?
1286
01:04:13,247 --> 01:04:16,084
I was gonna say doing
a lot of pull ups, but yeah.
1287
01:04:16,118 --> 01:04:17,353
I was jerking it
quite a bit.
1288
01:04:17,386 --> 01:04:19,388
Well, man, let's pull and
jerk our way to victory, baby!
1289
01:04:19,421 --> 01:04:20,556
- Let's do it!
- Let's do it.
1290
01:04:24,192 --> 01:04:28,163
Sir! Shane from the very popular
restaurant in Independence is on the phone.
1291
01:04:28,196 --> 01:04:29,498
Shane?
1292
01:04:29,531 --> 01:04:31,866
Shane was another one of my
Rangers ten years ago, General.
1293
01:04:31,899 --> 01:04:35,369
Really? Does he know about the
raccoons as well, Mr. Secretary?
1294
01:04:35,402 --> 01:04:36,603
SECRETARY: You know,
I certainly hope not.
1295
01:04:36,638 --> 01:04:39,607
He's one of those people I sent
to a conversion therapy camp.
1296
01:04:39,640 --> 01:04:41,876
So the result is
he's not very gay now,
1297
01:04:41,910 --> 01:04:44,613
he's forgotten about the
raccoons, got a super-hot wife,
1298
01:04:44,645 --> 01:04:46,547
nice restaurant.
We should be good to go.
1299
01:04:46,580 --> 01:04:49,317
Okay, I get it. It doesn't
matter if he used to be gay.
1300
01:04:49,350 --> 01:04:50,585
Don't ask, don't tell.
1301
01:04:50,618 --> 01:04:52,386
Sir, that's actually
not a policy anymore.
1302
01:04:52,419 --> 01:04:54,222
We need to hurry.
This is about the last train
1303
01:04:54,256 --> 01:04:55,790
that left from Independence
to Washington today.
1304
01:04:55,823 --> 01:04:57,859
The last train
to Washington?
1305
01:04:57,893 --> 01:04:59,595
Agent Woman
was on that train!
1306
01:05:04,366 --> 01:05:08,370
That's it, warrior! Harness
that prison jerkin power, baby.
1307
01:05:08,402 --> 01:05:10,605
Hello? Is the former
mayor of Independence there?
1308
01:05:10,638 --> 01:05:12,006
Well, hi there, Shane!
1309
01:05:12,040 --> 01:05:15,843
Yeah, although, hey, for the record,
I am now the Secretary of Defense.
1310
01:05:15,877 --> 01:05:18,779
SHANE: Oh, right! Thanks again
for everything you've done for me
1311
01:05:18,812 --> 01:05:20,314
and the city of
Independence, sir.
1312
01:05:20,348 --> 01:05:21,683
Yeah, no prob, Shane!
1313
01:05:21,716 --> 01:05:24,585
Hey, we're in the middle of a
little situation here, what's up?
1314
01:05:24,618 --> 01:05:25,586
I have a Social Media
sent to me
1315
01:05:25,620 --> 01:05:27,823
by the train porter
on the Holiday Express.
1316
01:05:29,690 --> 01:05:31,627
Please tell the former
Mayor of Independence
1317
01:05:31,660 --> 01:05:33,661
that whoever's in charge
of the secret weapon program
1318
01:05:33,694 --> 01:05:36,297
at Raccoon Creek that their
experiment's gone terribly wrong.
1319
01:05:36,330 --> 01:05:39,901
Over 25 raccoons and former ranger
Rick Danger of Raccoon Creek
1320
01:05:39,935 --> 01:05:42,638
hijacked the last Holiday
Express to Washington today.
1321
01:05:42,671 --> 01:05:45,473
This group includes other
experts who helped Ranger Danger
1322
01:05:45,506 --> 01:05:47,875
fight the raccoons at
Raccoon Creek ten years ago.
1323
01:05:47,908 --> 01:05:51,279
They also have a bunch of high tech
satellite equipment or something.
1324
01:05:51,312 --> 01:05:53,481
High tech satellite
equipment or something?
1325
01:05:53,515 --> 01:05:54,783
That's them!
1326
01:05:54,817 --> 01:05:55,984
SHANE: I couldn't figure out
Social Media and this dude
1327
01:05:56,018 --> 01:05:58,887
works on the train and he's
from ten years ago, too!
1328
01:05:58,919 --> 01:06:01,422
O-M-G smiley face.
1329
01:06:01,455 --> 01:06:03,224
GENERAL: O-M-G indeed!
1330
01:06:03,257 --> 01:06:05,493
Get me the location
of the Holiday Express.
1331
01:06:05,527 --> 01:06:06,562
Roger that, General!
1332
01:06:06,594 --> 01:06:08,363
Who sent the
Social Media message?
1333
01:06:08,397 --> 01:06:12,201
Well, it was sent to me by the train porter
on the Holiday Express who goes by Double A,
1334
01:06:12,234 --> 01:06:14,303
but it was actually
my friend Ty Smallwood.
1335
01:06:14,335 --> 01:06:15,536
Smallwood?
1336
01:06:15,569 --> 01:06:16,904
Why does that name
sound so familiar?
1337
01:06:16,937 --> 01:06:19,207
SHANE: We fought the raccoons
together at Raccoon Creek
1338
01:06:19,241 --> 01:06:21,276
before you had him locked up
for underage drinking.
1339
01:06:21,308 --> 01:06:22,810
Oh! Right.
1340
01:06:26,547 --> 01:06:28,716
Come on!
Pump that juice, baby!
1341
01:06:28,750 --> 01:06:31,553
What is the closest air base
to the Holiday Express?
1342
01:06:31,585 --> 01:06:33,288
Probably our secret
Appalachian base, sir.
1343
01:06:33,321 --> 01:06:35,991
Great! Let's get some planes
to go after that train, hm?
1344
01:06:36,024 --> 01:06:38,694
Sir! There's over 100
innocent people on that train.
1345
01:06:38,727 --> 01:06:40,995
I know. But this country's
gonna be split in two
1346
01:06:41,029 --> 01:06:43,765
if this small dick kid
can't stop these raccoons
1347
01:06:43,797 --> 01:06:44,799
Scramble the fighters.
1348
01:06:45,933 --> 01:06:47,202
Yes, sir!
1349
01:06:48,703 --> 01:06:50,973
General, I really like
where your head is at.
1350
01:06:51,006 --> 01:06:53,408
We can wipe out Danger,
the Smallwood kid
1351
01:06:53,440 --> 01:06:55,477
and a bunch of raccoons
all at once.
1352
01:06:55,509 --> 01:06:57,678
Shut the fuck up,
Mr. Secretary!
1353
01:06:57,712 --> 01:06:59,480
We're in this mess
because of you.
1354
01:06:59,513 --> 01:07:01,950
Now get your bureaucratic
ass the hell out of here.
1355
01:07:02,884 --> 01:07:03,886
Move!
1356
01:07:04,852 --> 01:07:06,321
Oh, and you're fired!
1357
01:07:09,991 --> 01:07:11,960
Why the hell did I
get back on this train?
1358
01:07:12,926 --> 01:07:13,962
There it is!
1359
01:07:15,462 --> 01:07:16,598
Let's hit it!
1360
01:07:18,799 --> 01:07:20,635
Sorry about your
small dick friend, missy.
1361
01:07:20,669 --> 01:07:22,536
As I learned
ten years ago,
1362
01:07:22,569 --> 01:07:25,406
college kids and raccoons
just don't mix.
1363
01:07:25,439 --> 01:07:29,677
Have a tendency to make pretty
girls like you just disappear.
1364
01:07:29,710 --> 01:07:31,913
[GRUNTS]
1365
01:07:31,946 --> 01:07:35,317
The raccoons chewed
off my balls ten years ago.
1366
01:07:35,350 --> 01:07:37,919
You're gonna have to do a lot better
than that to get a rise out of me.
1367
01:07:37,951 --> 01:07:40,022
Jones, leave her alone.
1368
01:07:40,055 --> 01:07:43,292
You wouldn't want to piss off
her small dick boyfriend again.
1369
01:07:43,325 --> 01:07:44,926
[SIGHS] He's not my boyfriend.
1370
01:07:44,959 --> 01:07:47,462
Yeah, he's not
her boyfriend.
1371
01:07:47,495 --> 01:07:50,332
Besides, small dick is dead.
1372
01:07:50,364 --> 01:07:52,500
Oh, yeah?
Did you see his body?
1373
01:07:52,533 --> 01:07:53,669
Because, you know,
1374
01:07:53,701 --> 01:07:55,337
that's kind of why
we're all here.
1375
01:07:55,370 --> 01:07:57,705
Presumption is
the father of all boo-boos.
1376
01:07:57,739 --> 01:07:58,974
Well, he might
be dead,
1377
01:07:59,006 --> 01:08:01,942
he might be alive,
but there's no way he's on this train.
1378
01:08:01,975 --> 01:08:05,046
And there's no way he's
getting back on this train
1379
01:08:05,080 --> 01:08:07,949
in some crazy,
unrealistic fashion!
1380
01:08:07,982 --> 01:08:10,384
Okay! Just get me on
the back of the train
1381
01:08:10,417 --> 01:08:11,486
then you go for help!
1382
01:08:11,518 --> 01:08:14,589
Do it, Ty! I'll meet ya
again later down the line.
1383
01:08:14,622 --> 01:08:17,292
Okay, Tuck.
I'm going to do it!
1384
01:08:30,104 --> 01:08:32,573
[WHOOPS]
1385
01:08:33,942 --> 01:08:35,444
That's it, baby!
1386
01:08:35,477 --> 01:08:38,714
Hendrix! Hendrix!
1387
01:08:38,746 --> 01:08:40,715
Get me an evacuation
order for Denver.
1388
01:08:40,748 --> 01:08:41,916
Just the bunker, sir?
1389
01:08:41,950 --> 01:08:42,850
What about the city?
1390
01:08:42,885 --> 01:08:44,953
Oh, forget the city,
they're all stoned!
1391
01:08:44,986 --> 01:08:46,322
They'll freak out.
1392
01:08:48,122 --> 01:08:49,857
Hey, Independence Whorehouse?
1393
01:08:49,890 --> 01:08:50,759
Yeah, it's Tom.
1394
01:08:50,791 --> 01:08:52,928
Can I get extra
happy endings tonight?
1395
01:08:57,098 --> 01:08:58,734
I should've just
lived in the woods.
1396
01:08:59,834 --> 01:09:02,470
Drop the tiny
machine gun, chubby!
1397
01:09:02,504 --> 01:09:03,839
[MACHINE GUN THUDS]
1398
01:09:06,907 --> 01:09:09,076
Well, I gotta
hand it to ya.
1399
01:09:09,109 --> 01:09:11,712
You college kids sure did
give us a run for our money.
1400
01:09:11,746 --> 01:09:13,148
Hey, I'm not in college, man.
1401
01:09:13,180 --> 01:09:15,049
Oh, I'm sorry!
Was that not sensitive?
1402
01:09:15,082 --> 01:09:16,718
Was that not PC?
1403
01:09:16,751 --> 01:09:18,387
Oh, it was very PC.
1404
01:09:18,420 --> 01:09:20,689
As in pretty clear
you're gonna die, dickhead.
1405
01:09:20,721 --> 01:09:21,924
Ain't that right, brother?
1406
01:09:28,028 --> 01:09:29,665
I'm dead
for real now.
1407
01:09:30,931 --> 01:09:32,666
Damn, that was dope, bro!
1408
01:09:32,700 --> 01:09:34,568
Let's go kick
some more coon ass!
1409
01:09:34,602 --> 01:09:36,971
Great! Praise Allah
to you too.
1410
01:09:38,773 --> 01:09:40,675
All right, boys,
we've got a gazillion dollars
1411
01:09:40,707 --> 01:09:41,843
waiting for us in the Bahamas.
1412
01:09:41,876 --> 01:09:44,012
We just gotta
catch a ride off of here
1413
01:09:44,045 --> 01:09:45,947
and blow the shit
out of Denver!
1414
01:09:45,979 --> 01:09:49,483
Stay tuned for this country
being fucked right in half.
1415
01:09:49,517 --> 01:09:51,685
Arrangements have been made
for everyone to get picked up
1416
01:09:51,719 --> 01:09:55,189
in long black cars
in Washington.
1417
01:09:55,223 --> 01:09:59,560
Long black cars and fire trucks
and ambulances.
1418
01:10:05,500 --> 01:10:08,537
DANGER: There's a common axiom
which every good camper knows.
1419
01:10:08,569 --> 01:10:11,407
When in doubt,
take the shortcut.
1420
01:10:14,007 --> 01:10:15,778
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
1421
01:10:21,782 --> 01:10:25,887
Looks like things are about to
get a little off track. [CHUCKLES]
1422
01:10:28,922 --> 01:10:31,893
Wait, the old logging factory isn't
on the same side it usually is.
1423
01:10:31,925 --> 01:10:33,727
We usually go around
this town on the other side.
1424
01:10:33,760 --> 01:10:36,665
We're not even on
the right tracks to Washington.
1425
01:10:36,697 --> 01:10:39,767
Jesus! It looks like we're
headed to Washington, all right.
1426
01:10:39,800 --> 01:10:41,236
The Washington Canyon.
1427
01:10:41,269 --> 01:10:43,238
The bridge is out and we're
headed straight for it.
1428
01:10:43,270 --> 01:10:46,608
If we don't stop this thing,
everyone's gonna die.
1429
01:10:46,640 --> 01:10:47,541
Wait, you're not going to let
1430
01:10:47,576 --> 01:10:49,578
these raccoons screw
you over again, are you?
1431
01:10:49,611 --> 01:10:50,612
No.
1432
01:10:51,078 --> 01:10:52,714
Not this time.
1433
01:10:52,746 --> 01:10:54,114
That's the Washington Canyon.
1434
01:10:54,148 --> 01:10:55,984
It's been a dead end
on the tracks for years.
1435
01:10:56,017 --> 01:10:57,519
Unfortunately, they're
headed right for it.
1436
01:10:57,551 --> 01:10:58,719
GENERAL: Can we contact them?
1437
01:10:58,752 --> 01:11:01,022
Not as long as they're in for
a dark Christmas in the dark.
1438
01:11:01,054 --> 01:11:02,923
There's no reception
up there,
1439
01:11:02,956 --> 01:11:04,091
especially at night.
1440
01:11:04,125 --> 01:11:05,828
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
1441
01:11:11,099 --> 01:11:12,701
PILOT: Come in,
Independence.
1442
01:11:12,733 --> 01:11:13,968
We are approaching
the target.
1443
01:11:14,001 --> 01:11:15,803
- General Negligence?
- Yes, sir?
1444
01:11:15,836 --> 01:11:17,705
Authorize the planes to fire.
1445
01:11:17,738 --> 01:11:19,006
Yes, sir.
1446
01:11:19,040 --> 01:11:20,709
Roger that.
We're going in!
1447
01:11:25,013 --> 01:11:27,515
Sweet mother of shit,
forgive us.
1448
01:11:27,549 --> 01:11:28,950
- [RADAR BEEPING]
- [SQUEALS]
1449
01:11:28,983 --> 01:11:30,051
There's something coming in.
1450
01:11:30,084 --> 01:11:31,720
What? They found us?
1451
01:11:31,752 --> 01:11:33,755
Because of Tom
fucking small cock?
1452
01:11:33,787 --> 01:11:36,190
Can't you just shoot it
down with the satellite?
1453
01:11:36,224 --> 01:11:38,126
Shitsnakes, no!
I can't do that.
1454
01:11:38,158 --> 01:11:40,595
I got PEN15
locked on Denver.
1455
01:11:46,733 --> 01:11:47,801
Wait a minute.
1456
01:11:47,835 --> 01:11:50,538
If the planes are slow enough,
I could target them.
1457
01:11:52,340 --> 01:11:53,775
There they are.
1458
01:11:53,808 --> 01:11:56,278
See? Told ya you could
shoot it down.
1459
01:11:56,310 --> 01:11:57,578
That's why I said that.
1460
01:12:02,082 --> 01:12:03,785
BOTH: Shh!
1461
01:12:03,818 --> 01:12:05,287
[SQUEALING]
1462
01:12:05,319 --> 01:12:06,522
We're the good guys.
1463
01:12:17,799 --> 01:12:22,604
I'm sorry, Mr. Raccoon.
I was just touching up my boobies.
1464
01:12:23,270 --> 01:12:24,273
Titties?
1465
01:12:27,875 --> 01:12:29,743
Breasteseses.
1466
01:12:29,777 --> 01:12:31,279
Shitsnakes, Mr. Pilot.
1467
01:12:35,983 --> 01:12:37,084
Where are all
the passengers?
1468
01:12:37,117 --> 01:12:38,352
They must be on
the passenger car.
1469
01:12:38,385 --> 01:12:40,054
Let's double team it
in the rear!
1470
01:12:41,288 --> 01:12:42,924
They shot down
one of the planes!
1471
01:12:42,956 --> 01:12:44,291
Son of a bitch!
1472
01:12:44,325 --> 01:12:46,094
[CHUCKLES]
1473
01:12:48,095 --> 01:12:49,730
[SCREAMS]
1474
01:12:55,370 --> 01:12:57,005
[RACCOONS SQUEALING IN PAIN]
1475
01:13:08,815 --> 01:13:10,685
[SQUEALING]
1476
01:13:12,220 --> 01:13:14,323
Goddamn Smallwood!
1477
01:13:21,795 --> 01:13:23,598
[RACCOON SQUEALING IN PAIN]
1478
01:13:42,450 --> 01:13:44,219
PILOT: I've got
the target on lock.
1479
01:13:44,251 --> 01:13:45,987
Ready to fire
on your command.
1480
01:13:50,390 --> 01:13:51,792
[SCREAMS]
1481
01:13:55,962 --> 01:13:57,666
Shitsnakes times two.
1482
01:13:59,466 --> 01:14:01,135
Get me the President!
1483
01:14:01,169 --> 01:14:03,205
[PHONE RINGING]
1484
01:14:04,871 --> 01:14:08,142
Hello? A raccoon
weapons program?
1485
01:14:08,175 --> 01:14:10,745
Cut the program,
put it into school lunches,
1486
01:14:10,778 --> 01:14:13,014
Where's the bunker?
I'm on my way.
1487
01:14:13,046 --> 01:14:14,382
Jane! Slippers!
1488
01:14:17,852 --> 01:14:19,220
Ranger Rick Danger.
1489
01:14:21,221 --> 01:14:22,924
Tom Smallwood?
1490
01:14:22,956 --> 01:14:25,859
It's Ty. I'm coming
for Darlene
1491
01:14:25,893 --> 01:14:29,197
and then I'm coming
for you and your raccoons.
1492
01:14:29,229 --> 01:14:31,700
You better hurry or these
raccoons are going to do to her
1493
01:14:31,733 --> 01:14:33,201
what they did
to her sister.
1494
01:14:37,404 --> 01:14:40,242
Ya! Gotta keep
'em separated!
1495
01:14:43,845 --> 01:14:44,846
[GRUNTS]
1496
01:14:48,148 --> 01:14:49,416
Double A,
what are you doing?
1497
01:14:49,450 --> 01:14:51,118
I'm coming with
you to finish this!
1498
01:14:51,152 --> 01:14:52,721
Ready to be a warrior, huh?
1499
01:14:52,754 --> 01:14:54,354
Hell, yeah!
I learned from the best.
1500
01:14:54,388 --> 01:14:56,757
[PASSENGERS GROANING]
1501
01:15:00,428 --> 01:15:02,497
Oh, my golly,
we're free!
1502
01:15:02,529 --> 01:15:05,399
[ALL CHEERING]
1503
01:15:06,466 --> 01:15:09,371
Oh, my golly,
I can use my smartphone!
1504
01:15:14,876 --> 01:15:16,178
Hey, hey, hey
1505
01:15:16,211 --> 01:15:18,780
No one else can have this story,
this is Dick Weener's story.
1506
01:15:18,813 --> 01:15:20,348
No one else can
have a smartphone!
1507
01:15:21,047 --> 01:15:23,017
- [TASER ZAPS]
- [SCREAMS] Ow!
1508
01:15:23,050 --> 01:15:26,121
Ow! An electric shock
I can't fuck with!
1509
01:15:26,153 --> 01:15:28,790
You stupid old broad,
you've ruined my career!
1510
01:15:28,822 --> 01:15:31,225
Amen to that, Dick!
1511
01:15:31,259 --> 01:15:33,461
Now, I'm gonna assume we
haven't seen the Doc in a while
1512
01:15:33,493 --> 01:15:36,096
because he went
for a brisk walk or something.
1513
01:15:36,130 --> 01:15:38,833
Are you sure you can
handle Tom Small Dick?
1514
01:15:38,866 --> 01:15:39,734
Can I handle him?
1515
01:15:39,767 --> 01:15:43,037
- Skippy? You're my number one...
- [SQUEAKS]
1516
01:15:44,371 --> 01:15:46,073
raccoon!
1517
01:15:46,439 --> 01:15:47,742
[SQUEALS]
1518
01:15:48,975 --> 01:15:50,746
Now you think
I can handle him?
1519
01:15:51,312 --> 01:15:52,212
Go get 'em.
1520
01:15:52,246 --> 01:15:54,915
I'd take you boys
over Charlie any day!
1521
01:15:54,948 --> 01:15:56,149
Who the hell is that?
1522
01:15:56,184 --> 01:15:59,521
It's Tuck! Get on there and
help him jerk that thing off.
1523
01:15:59,554 --> 01:16:00,788
What?
1524
01:16:00,822 --> 01:16:02,323
I mean, you know,
help him pump it!
1525
01:16:02,355 --> 01:16:03,424
What are you gonna do?
1526
01:16:03,456 --> 01:16:04,859
I'm gonna get Darlene.
1527
01:16:05,492 --> 01:16:07,828
Attention Ranger
Rick Danger!
1528
01:16:07,862 --> 01:16:09,797
You've got yourself
a warrior problem
1529
01:16:09,831 --> 01:16:12,300
and it ain't you and him.
1530
01:16:12,332 --> 01:16:15,002
Jeff Tuck? I thought
you were dead for real,
1531
01:16:15,036 --> 01:16:16,270
you old crackhead!
1532
01:16:16,304 --> 01:16:18,973
Looks like two can
play at that game, Danger.
1533
01:16:19,005 --> 01:16:21,843
Presumptions are
the father of all boo-boos.
1534
01:16:21,876 --> 01:16:25,080
Pippy! Go get
Kent State on that hippie!
1535
01:16:28,315 --> 01:16:30,085
Come on, man!
Get that thing closer.
1536
01:16:35,989 --> 01:16:36,992
Huh? [GRUNTS]
1537
01:16:40,394 --> 01:16:41,429
Oh, boy!
1538
01:16:48,301 --> 01:16:49,804
Ha-ha! There ya go!
1539
01:16:53,907 --> 01:16:56,111
Whoo! That's it, baby!
1540
01:16:59,479 --> 01:17:02,517
All right, Ty.
Best Christmas Eve ever.
1541
01:17:06,453 --> 01:17:08,956
I'll worry about
Tyler little dick.
1542
01:17:08,989 --> 01:17:11,192
You worry about
splitting this country in two.
1543
01:17:11,224 --> 01:17:12,259
Got it?
1544
01:17:14,629 --> 01:17:17,165
Not gonna lie, Jones.
You're going a little crazy.
1545
01:17:17,197 --> 01:17:19,299
You, you want
a tranquilizer or something?
1546
01:17:19,332 --> 01:17:20,468
No.
1547
01:17:20,501 --> 01:17:25,540
Bullets. I need bullets.
1548
01:17:25,572 --> 01:17:29,009
Okay. As long as my Santa
satellites keep the U.S. military
1549
01:17:29,042 --> 01:17:31,846
busy long enough,
I'll blow up Denver without you.
1550
01:17:37,684 --> 01:17:39,920
Have fun killing
drunk college kids.
1551
01:17:39,953 --> 01:17:41,255
I've got a country
to split in two
1552
01:17:41,288 --> 01:17:44,059
and a gazillion dollars
to pick up in the Bahamas.
1553
01:17:46,626 --> 01:17:48,863
Looks like this is gonna
take some super strength.
1554
01:17:54,969 --> 01:17:57,337
Howdy, warrior!
You know how to pump it?
1555
01:17:57,371 --> 01:17:58,940
Oh, yeah.
I've been to prison.
1556
01:18:00,073 --> 01:18:02,542
Great, the President
is pissed!
1557
01:18:02,576 --> 01:18:03,611
Which means we
1558
01:18:03,644 --> 01:18:05,347
and the American
public are fucked!
1559
01:18:08,381 --> 01:18:09,917
Can't let you go anywhere.
1560
01:18:10,484 --> 01:18:12,621
You're my little hostage.
1561
01:18:15,523 --> 01:18:18,359
You know, a lot
of dumb college kids
1562
01:18:18,392 --> 01:18:21,261
died on that campground
ten years ago.
1563
01:18:21,295 --> 01:18:23,331
The fact
this Smallwood kid didn't
1564
01:18:23,363 --> 01:18:25,200
kinda makes me
respect him.
1565
01:18:26,500 --> 01:18:29,404
He really is a brave
motherfucker.
1566
01:18:35,408 --> 01:18:37,178
You know,
I do remember you.
1567
01:18:37,211 --> 01:18:40,014
And I sure hope you know
what you're doing, small dick.
1568
01:18:40,046 --> 01:18:43,017
Or else your little
girlfriend here is gonna die,
1569
01:18:43,050 --> 01:18:45,420
just like her sister.
1570
01:18:45,452 --> 01:18:47,120
I'm not his girlfriend.
1571
01:18:47,153 --> 01:18:49,022
Yeah, she's not
my girlfriend.
1572
01:18:49,055 --> 01:18:51,625
I lost my virginity to her
sister ten years ago,
1573
01:18:51,658 --> 01:18:53,694
while she was
being killed by a raccoon.
1574
01:18:53,728 --> 01:18:55,229
Holy shit!
1575
01:18:55,261 --> 01:18:57,465
That's how
my sister died?
1576
01:18:57,497 --> 01:19:00,134
Uh, yeah, I was gonna,
I was gonna...
1577
01:19:00,166 --> 01:19:02,502
Ye... I was gonna tell you,
but some things came up.
1578
01:19:02,536 --> 01:19:04,038
And I'm-I'm sorry.
1579
01:19:04,071 --> 01:19:06,975
You might be able to take out
a bunch of raccoons,
1580
01:19:07,007 --> 01:19:09,109
but can you fight a real man?
1581
01:19:14,047 --> 01:19:16,684
Hang on to that grenade,
sugar tits.
1582
01:19:16,716 --> 01:19:18,987
You might
need it later.
1583
01:19:21,522 --> 01:19:25,225
Ugh! You are so the patriarchy.
1584
01:19:30,063 --> 01:19:34,401
Not bad, small dick.
But you know what they say.
1585
01:19:34,434 --> 01:19:38,172
It's not the size,
it's how you use it.
1586
01:19:49,382 --> 01:19:51,086
Goddamn!
1587
01:19:52,053 --> 01:19:54,122
Bring it on,
you furry fuck!
1588
01:20:03,797 --> 01:20:07,001
[SCREAMING]
1589
01:20:09,170 --> 01:20:12,007
[CRIES OUT IN PAIN]
1590
01:20:16,410 --> 01:20:18,013
[GRUNTING IN PAIN]
1591
01:20:20,346 --> 01:20:21,448
Harder!
1592
01:20:22,483 --> 01:20:25,153
Harder! Harder!
Harder! Harder!
1593
01:20:28,288 --> 01:20:31,059
[BOTH SCREAMING]
1594
01:20:31,492 --> 01:20:33,561
Goddamn!
1595
01:20:53,647 --> 01:20:56,117
[SCREAMS]
1596
01:21:10,197 --> 01:21:11,533
[CASEY GRUNTING]
1597
01:21:14,602 --> 01:21:16,104
I actually don't
have balls.
1598
01:21:16,136 --> 01:21:18,072
Uh, the raccoons
gnawed 'em off.
1599
01:21:45,465 --> 01:21:48,335
Where'd you learn this,
the NYPD?
1600
01:21:48,368 --> 01:21:52,473
No. Raccoon Creek Campground,
motherfucker!
1601
01:21:52,505 --> 01:21:55,343
[JONES SCREAMS]
1602
01:21:55,376 --> 01:21:58,379
I'm dead, for real.
1603
01:22:02,215 --> 01:22:03,484
Later on.
1604
01:22:05,719 --> 01:22:08,189
[POWERING UP]
1605
01:22:20,434 --> 01:22:21,469
Don't drop that.
1606
01:22:21,868 --> 01:22:23,138
Come on.
1607
01:22:28,943 --> 01:22:32,647
Well, I'm going to presume
everything is just fine back there.
1608
01:22:36,783 --> 01:22:39,920
I hope you're all having
a happy Christmas Eve!
1609
01:22:39,953 --> 01:22:43,323
Independence isn't what it used to
be, but then again,
1610
01:22:43,357 --> 01:22:47,528
this whole country isn't about
to be what it used to be.
1611
01:22:47,560 --> 01:22:50,230
As long as I've got
my golden VHS tape,
1612
01:22:50,264 --> 01:22:53,367
inside this here VCR,
that's all I need.
1613
01:22:53,399 --> 01:22:54,902
Now if you excuse me,
1614
01:22:54,934 --> 01:22:57,537
I must dis-board
this train
1615
01:22:57,571 --> 01:23:00,373
before it makes a stop inside
of Washington Canyon.
1616
01:23:00,407 --> 01:23:04,845
Wait, if you keep moving,
I'll just drop this grenade.
1617
01:23:04,877 --> 01:23:06,214
Kill us all.
1618
01:23:06,246 --> 01:23:07,514
Well, shitsnakes.
1619
01:23:08,248 --> 01:23:09,384
Go ahead!
1620
01:23:13,254 --> 01:23:14,255
[EXCLAIMS]
1621
01:23:20,861 --> 01:23:23,598
Still no response to our abort
shriek command codes, sir!
1622
01:23:23,630 --> 01:23:27,199
What the hell
are shriek command codes?
1623
01:23:30,403 --> 01:23:32,505
Oh, Tom Smallwood.
1624
01:23:32,538 --> 01:23:34,341
Shooting me
won't do anything.
1625
01:23:34,375 --> 01:23:37,778
The U.S. military can't get
past my Santa satellites
1626
01:23:37,810 --> 01:23:41,715
and you can't stop my
high tech VHS programming.
1627
01:23:41,748 --> 01:23:44,684
Seriously? There's nothing I
can do to shut that thing down?
1628
01:23:44,718 --> 01:23:47,654
Nope! You might as well
just drop that gun right now.
1629
01:23:54,761 --> 01:23:57,998
Fuck! I'm sorry, Darlene.
1630
01:23:58,032 --> 01:24:00,334
Looks like I failed again.
1631
01:24:00,367 --> 01:24:01,903
Just like I failed your sister.
1632
01:24:08,341 --> 01:24:10,777
PEN15 ANNOUNCER:
Access to PEN15 restored!
1633
01:24:10,810 --> 01:24:13,447
We have regained
control of PEN15, sir!
1634
01:24:13,479 --> 01:24:16,350
Shitsnakes! Didn't
think of that one.
1635
01:24:16,849 --> 01:24:18,252
Sorry, daddy.
1636
01:24:26,393 --> 01:24:27,395
Kill it!
1637
01:24:50,783 --> 01:24:52,319
[GRUNTS]
1638
01:24:54,487 --> 01:24:56,890
What's this? An end
that's dead for real?
1639
01:24:56,924 --> 01:24:59,060
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
1640
01:24:59,093 --> 01:25:01,662
Good God!
Now I'm dead for real!
1641
01:25:01,694 --> 01:25:03,430
[SCREAMS]
1642
01:25:05,866 --> 01:25:07,702
Okay, stop pumping.
1643
01:25:07,734 --> 01:25:08,768
It won't stop!
1644
01:25:08,801 --> 01:25:09,836
Oh, boy.
1645
01:25:09,870 --> 01:25:11,639
Uh, everybody jump!
1646
01:25:25,786 --> 01:25:26,788
TUCK: Woah!
1647
01:25:29,656 --> 01:25:31,024
Tom teeny peeny!
1648
01:25:31,825 --> 01:25:33,027
Ranger Danger?
1649
01:25:33,059 --> 01:25:34,928
You haven't won yet, small dick.
1650
01:25:34,961 --> 01:25:36,964
You dumb college kids
will never again
1651
01:25:36,996 --> 01:25:38,932
laugh at the name
of Ranger Rick Danger.
1652
01:25:40,567 --> 01:25:42,770
[SCREAMS]
1653
01:25:42,803 --> 01:25:45,973
Shitsnakes! I'm dead
for real now, daddy!
1654
01:25:46,005 --> 01:25:48,508
Coon-bye-yah,
motherfucker!
1655
01:25:56,849 --> 01:25:59,853
Looks like you bit off exactly
what you could choo-choo.
1656
01:25:59,886 --> 01:26:01,121
Nice going, warrior.
1657
01:26:01,154 --> 01:26:04,023
I knew you could do it.
You're not a winner.
1658
01:26:04,056 --> 01:26:07,461
You're not a loser.
And you're not a Casey.
1659
01:26:07,928 --> 01:26:09,063
You're a Ty.
1660
01:26:09,095 --> 01:26:10,630
Thanks, kid.
1661
01:26:10,663 --> 01:26:13,468
Hey, guys, look this is really all
heartwarming, but what the fuck is that?
1662
01:26:24,577 --> 01:26:26,714
Ring-tailed
rodent piece of shit!
1663
01:26:27,046 --> 01:26:28,382
[GRUNTS]
1664
01:26:28,849 --> 01:26:29,950
[RACCOON SQUEAKS]
1665
01:26:29,983 --> 01:26:31,586
[PANTING]
1666
01:26:34,654 --> 01:26:36,991
Your dead sister
would be proud.
1667
01:26:37,023 --> 01:26:39,058
Whoa, whoa. You sure you
know how to use that thing?
1668
01:26:39,091 --> 01:26:40,661
I think I got
the hang of it.
1669
01:26:42,162 --> 01:26:44,065
Hey, you boys gonna eat this?
1670
01:26:45,165 --> 01:26:46,533
It's all yours!
1671
01:26:46,567 --> 01:26:50,805
Woo-whee! Gonna be a good Christmas
dinner this year! [CHUCKLES]
1672
01:26:51,971 --> 01:26:53,907
[ALL LAUGHING]
1673
01:26:55,709 --> 01:26:56,743
Smartphone!
1674
01:26:56,777 --> 01:26:59,747
Get me the secret
military base in Independence.
1675
01:26:59,779 --> 01:27:01,715
Generals, there's
a message coming in
1676
01:27:01,747 --> 01:27:03,017
I'll patch it through.
1677
01:27:03,050 --> 01:27:04,485
Hello, Independence?
1678
01:27:04,518 --> 01:27:07,955
This is Casey Sm... This is Ty.
1679
01:27:08,855 --> 01:27:10,190
Ty Smallwood.
1680
01:27:10,224 --> 01:27:13,160
His last name means
small penis either way.
1681
01:27:13,193 --> 01:27:15,896
CASEY: Ranger Danger and his
cronies are dead for real now.
1682
01:27:15,929 --> 01:27:19,667
The raccoons have been destroyed
and the hostages are safe.
1683
01:27:19,700 --> 01:27:21,035
[ALL SIGH IN RELIEF]
1684
01:27:23,069 --> 01:27:26,806
Come on, open! Open up,
you son of a bitch, open!
1685
01:27:26,840 --> 01:27:29,643
All right, what the hell is
going on? You woke me up!
1686
01:27:29,675 --> 01:27:32,111
Mr. President,
it all worked out.
1687
01:27:32,144 --> 01:27:35,248
Well, that's good,
because it's Christmas.
1688
01:27:35,282 --> 01:27:37,952
[ALL CHEERING]
1689
01:27:37,984 --> 01:27:39,219
Yeah! Yeah!
1690
01:27:39,252 --> 01:27:43,523
[ALL SINGING]
♪ Hark the herald angels sing
1691
01:27:43,556 --> 01:27:47,760
♪ Glory to the newborn king
1692
01:27:47,794 --> 01:27:50,031
♪ Peace on Earth...
1693
01:27:50,997 --> 01:27:52,666
It's good to have
you back, Ty.
1694
01:27:53,834 --> 01:27:55,736
[EXHALES] It's good to be back.
1695
01:27:55,769 --> 01:27:58,772
Hey, I really enjoyed
fighting raccoons with you
1696
01:27:58,804 --> 01:28:00,673
and I know
that I lost my virginity
1697
01:28:00,706 --> 01:28:02,142
to your dead sister
ten years ago,
1698
01:28:02,175 --> 01:28:05,980
but I was wondering if you'd
wanna hang out sometime?
1699
01:28:06,013 --> 01:28:08,549
I mean, I don't know
if you're into older guys.
1700
01:28:08,581 --> 01:28:11,285
Uh, I actually
am into older guys.
1701
01:28:11,318 --> 01:28:12,786
Oh, cool, really?
1702
01:28:12,818 --> 01:28:15,054
Yeah, but like, much older.
1703
01:28:15,087 --> 01:28:17,692
In fact, I kinda
met someone.
1704
01:28:19,760 --> 01:28:21,662
- What's up, bro?
- Tuck?
1705
01:28:21,694 --> 01:28:24,965
It's always an honor to fight
raccoons alongside a warrior like you.
1706
01:28:24,997 --> 01:28:27,968
Next time you need me,
I'll always pop up.
1707
01:28:28,001 --> 01:28:29,737
Uh, sure, yeah.
1708
01:28:29,769 --> 01:28:32,171
So, uh, you ever get
high in a tree before?
1709
01:28:32,205 --> 01:28:35,075
Uh, no. But that sounds
pretty awesome.
1710
01:28:35,108 --> 01:28:37,811
Far out!
Merry Christmas, brother.
1711
01:28:37,844 --> 01:28:39,580
Merry Christmas, you guys.
1712
01:28:40,112 --> 01:28:41,214
What about you, Shelley?
1713
01:28:41,247 --> 01:28:42,582
Do you have plans tonight?
1714
01:28:42,616 --> 01:28:43,817
Oh, yeah.
1715
01:28:43,849 --> 01:28:45,118
With everything
that's happened,
1716
01:28:45,152 --> 01:28:47,654
Double A and I have
gotten a lot closer,
1717
01:28:47,688 --> 01:28:51,257
and we've decided to take
our professional relationship
1718
01:28:51,291 --> 01:28:54,628
to a more personal level.
1719
01:28:54,661 --> 01:28:56,630
Thanks for everything, warrior.
1720
01:28:56,662 --> 01:29:00,000
Yes, God bless us, everyone.
1721
01:29:01,134 --> 01:29:02,870
.Merry Christmas, you guys!
1722
01:29:03,870 --> 01:29:05,305
CASEY: Well, Janine,
1723
01:29:05,339 --> 01:29:09,009
turns out you were
always the only girl for me.
1724
01:29:09,041 --> 01:29:10,710
Looks like it's just us again.
1725
01:29:11,912 --> 01:29:14,215
Yep, just us.
1726
01:29:17,984 --> 01:29:19,118
[MOANING]
1727
01:29:19,152 --> 01:29:22,689
♪ Well it's a very
sexy Christmas
1728
01:29:24,390 --> 01:29:28,127
♪ Everybody looking fine
1729
01:29:28,161 --> 01:29:31,666
♪ It's a very sexy Christmas
1730
01:29:32,698 --> 01:29:37,170
♪ Baby, won't you be mine
1731
01:29:37,203 --> 01:29:40,239
♪ I want to
slide down your chimney
1732
01:29:40,273 --> 01:29:41,576
♪ Chimney!
1733
01:29:42,643 --> 01:29:45,580
♪ Show you a good time
1734
01:29:50,884 --> 01:29:53,955
♪ Well, it's a very
sexy Christmas
1735
01:29:56,023 --> 01:29:58,859
♪ Everybody feeling good
1736
01:29:59,925 --> 01:30:04,197
♪ It's a very sexy Christmas
1737
01:30:04,230 --> 01:30:08,902
♪ Come on,
get down like you should
1738
01:30:08,934 --> 01:30:11,738
♪ Come on
and lay down by the fire
1739
01:30:11,772 --> 01:30:13,006
♪ By the fire!
1740
01:30:14,306 --> 01:30:17,211
♪ Burn my Christmas wood
1741
01:30:26,987 --> 01:30:30,625
♪ Well it's a very
sexy Christmas
1742
01:30:32,259 --> 01:30:36,029
♪ And everybody is feeling hot
1743
01:30:36,063 --> 01:30:40,267
♪ It's a very sexy Christmas
1744
01:30:40,300 --> 01:30:44,872
♪ Show me the presents
that you got, yeah
1745
01:30:44,904 --> 01:30:48,207
♪ Go ahead
and take off your stockings
1746
01:30:48,241 --> 01:30:50,243
♪ Take off your stockings!
1747
01:30:50,277 --> 01:30:53,413
♪ And let's get real naughty
1748
01:30:53,447 --> 01:30:54,949
♪ Yeah!
1749
01:30:56,416 --> 01:30:58,686
[MAN GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY]
1750
01:31:15,836 --> 01:31:18,939
[MAN CHOKING AND VOCALIZING]
1751
01:31:33,487 --> 01:31:34,788
♪ Yeah, baby ♪
1752
01:31:37,357 --> 01:31:41,194
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1753
01:31:41,228 --> 01:31:44,131
♪ Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1754
01:31:44,163 --> 01:31:46,099
♪ Bandit it on the street, yo
1755
01:31:46,132 --> 01:31:48,167
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1756
01:31:48,201 --> 01:31:50,770
♪ Get your gun
'cause I ain't no kitty, bitch
1757
01:31:50,804 --> 01:31:53,040
♪ Time to eat rabies
Trans-infested
1758
01:31:53,072 --> 01:31:54,240
♪ Try to pull up
1759
01:31:54,273 --> 01:31:55,843
♪ You don't know
who you fuckin' with
1760
01:31:55,876 --> 01:31:57,745
♪ Got my other stash
Fucking with my other stash
1761
01:31:57,778 --> 01:32:00,414
♪ Trash pandas smell
better than misogynists
1762
01:32:00,447 --> 01:32:02,449
♪ Call me pretty
Yeah, I'm pretty vicious
1763
01:32:02,482 --> 01:32:04,984
♪ Should've put game
on your wish list
1764
01:32:05,018 --> 01:32:07,321
♪ Tellin' me to smile
when you done mistranslatin'
1765
01:32:07,354 --> 01:32:10,491
♪ You look broken down
Need some roadside assistance?
1766
01:32:10,523 --> 01:32:12,192
♪ Even Santa's on my dick
1767
01:32:13,393 --> 01:32:14,962
♪ Boy, you know what it is
1768
01:32:14,995 --> 01:32:17,264
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1769
01:32:17,296 --> 01:32:19,832
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1770
01:32:19,866 --> 01:32:22,202
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1771
01:32:22,234 --> 01:32:24,337
♪ 10-20, 9th graders
gettin' hippie, bitch
1772
01:32:24,371 --> 01:32:26,840
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1773
01:32:26,872 --> 01:32:29,343
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1774
01:32:29,376 --> 01:32:31,812
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1775
01:32:31,845 --> 01:32:33,948
♪ 10-10-20
Raccoons and a hippie, bitch
1776
01:32:34,980 --> 01:32:36,950
♪ I go motherfucking warrior
1777
01:32:36,983 --> 01:32:38,952
♪ Look at the blood
in the quarter
1778
01:32:38,984 --> 01:32:40,120
♪ Call me a dime
1779
01:32:40,153 --> 01:32:41,288
♪ I'll have you drawn
and quartered
1780
01:32:41,321 --> 01:32:44,491
♪ Colder than a corpse
Call the coroner
1781
01:32:44,523 --> 01:32:46,826
♪ 'Cause I need
to make this pronto
1782
01:32:46,859 --> 01:32:48,795
♪ Where the hell
did my sister go?
1783
01:32:48,828 --> 01:32:51,165
♪ 'Cause you see, I'm waitin'
going crazy like a loco
1784
01:32:51,197 --> 01:32:52,465
♪ If you don't got
no answers, bitch
1785
01:32:52,498 --> 01:32:53,800
♪ Send to cargo
1786
01:32:53,834 --> 01:32:55,568
♪ Headphones in,
we get hijacked
1787
01:32:55,602 --> 01:32:57,904
♪ Raccoons staring at me
Don't get bapped
1788
01:32:57,938 --> 01:33:00,474
♪ Yes, it's filled
The train too packed
1789
01:33:00,506 --> 01:33:03,242
♪ It's too wild
going off the tracks
1790
01:33:03,276 --> 01:33:05,412
♪ Goddamn!
Pull the taser out my pack
1791
01:33:05,444 --> 01:33:07,880
♪ Stab, stab action
Rocket, step back
1792
01:33:07,913 --> 01:33:10,317
♪ Ring-tailed robber
Not a rat-a-tat-tat
1793
01:33:10,349 --> 01:33:13,286
♪ Other cats love me
You know what it is!
1794
01:33:13,319 --> 01:33:15,389
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1795
01:33:15,421 --> 01:33:17,924
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1796
01:33:17,957 --> 01:33:20,227
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1797
01:33:20,260 --> 01:33:22,863
♪ 10-10-20
Raccoons getting shifty, bitch
1798
01:33:22,895 --> 01:33:25,198
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1799
01:33:25,232 --> 01:33:27,434
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1800
01:33:27,466 --> 01:33:30,036
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1801
01:33:30,069 --> 01:33:33,005
♪ Think it stopped but furries
finally found my niche
1802
01:33:33,038 --> 01:33:35,541
♪ Throwing eye-rolls
Dick jokes
1803
01:33:35,575 --> 01:33:37,978
♪ Grenades, more dick jokes
1804
01:33:38,010 --> 01:33:39,979
♪ Throwing eye-rolls
Dick jokes
1805
01:33:40,013 --> 01:33:42,015
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1806
01:33:52,358 --> 01:33:54,160
♪ Throwing raccoon corpses
1807
01:33:55,228 --> 01:33:57,230
♪ Raccoon corpses
1808
01:33:57,264 --> 01:33:58,565
♪ Throwing raccoon cor...
1809
01:33:58,598 --> 01:34:01,501
♪ It's fine
They're an invasive species
1810
01:34:01,533 --> 01:34:04,037
♪ Raccoon City, bitch
Rac-Raccoon City, bitch
1811
01:34:11,644 --> 01:34:15,348
♪ There's a destination
and a rendezvous
1812
01:34:18,385 --> 01:34:23,157
♪ With a challenge
and it looks like you
1813
01:34:24,256 --> 01:34:28,261
♪ Yeah, I'm calm
1814
01:34:28,295 --> 01:34:31,465
♪ Calmer than caboose
on a runaway train
1815
01:34:31,596 --> 01:34:36,596
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
1816
01:35:21,214 --> 01:35:24,652
- [POWERING UP]
- [RACCOON CHITTERING]
137958
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