Original subtitles

ARIYA: Say, "Smile!" No, no smile.

‐ So I pressed on the video. ‐ He swiped; hold on.

‐ I'm, uh, ooh, not using my microphone.

Go on. ‐ Yes.

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ I'll be heading into my shift.

‐ We're gonna do glasses for a second

so I can make sure I'm not blocking the camera.

‐ This is what we need so we can stay awake

when to go to work, right?

Otherwise we're tired.

‐ Gonna shut everything off and go to bed.

♪ ♪

‐ A lot of people got sick. A lot of people are doing worse.

‐ Trying to calm the knot in my stomach right now.

‐ All of this is so scary because it's not even bad yet.

Like, it hasn't...

‐ Thank you so much. KELLEY: ...started yet.

JESSICA: Oh, no, no, go‐‐go‐‐go back there.

Can't touch Mommy right now.

It's a really difficult situation.

I really think that people need to see what we're going through.

♪ ♪

SALEENA: Once you see what we're seeing and what we're experiencing,

it's hard to not feel anxious or upset,

because the cost of human life is too great.

SAMEER: We'll see how this goes.

♪ ♪

Headed into work. I'm about to drop Ariya off at her daycare.

It's basically just children of physicians right now.

Ariya, say hi. ‐ Hi.

‐ Um, so we're gonna drop her off.

We're gonna get started for the day.

REPORTER: A mysterious new coronavirus

was identified from Wuhan, China.

REPORTER: The virus now in 16 other countries.

TRUMP: We think we have it very well under control.

REPORTER: 50,000 people in Northern Italy essentially trapped.

DR. REDFIELD: The risk at this time is low.

The American public needs to go on with their normal lives.

REPORTER: Officials here in New York have been testing

for suspected cases of coronavirus and they'd all come back negative

until tonight.

‐ Mic check, mic check. March 2, 2020.

‐ There is no doubt that there will be more cases.

‐ We have two new cases confirmed this morning in New York City.

REPORTER: New warnings about the coronavirus outbreak

as it rapidly takes hold here in the tristate.

REPORTER: For weeks, doctors and nurses have been sounding the alarm

that they will be running out of personal protective equipment.

REPORTER: The CDC now advising health care workers

to keep working even if exposed to the virus

and suggests they reuse face masks or use scarves as a last resort.

♪ ♪

KELLEY: It's Sunday, March 22nd.

We're still not sure if we're gonna have supplies to last us to the end of the week.

What can we do?

People are talking about microwaving their masks.

I'm like, "I don't know if that's safe. Probably not."

I don't doubt that there will be people that will risk their lives

because that's just what a lot of us instinctively want to do.

We just want to help so badly that we end up

going into situations where they are dangerous to us.

It puts us in such a difficult spot.

It's like, I don't think that we should be martyrs.

I mean, this current situation we're in,

if we don't push or fight for anything, we're just being set up to die.

I grew up first‐generation. My parents are from Ecuador.

My mom's a housekeeper. My dad drives school buses.

I actually was on the phone last night with some of my coworkers.

We were on the phone till, like, two in the morning.

We were all talking about how we're children of immigrants

and how a lot of this is affecting our families.

KELLEY: The rates of mortality are very high.

People that keep getting infected happen to be people of color

'cause they happen to be people that cannot stay home for work

and also, at baseline, have a lot more medical conditions that go untreated.

They don't have insurance. Like, it's what happens.

Like, of course our communities are gonna suffer the most.

Like, what else is new?

I need to protect my coworkers so that they can protect their families.

Like, if they're not safe, their families aren't safe.

SAMEER: Ariya, what does that say?

ARIYA: [fusses]

SAMEER: It says, "Not all superheroes wear capes."

Thank you. But what did you say?

‐ I said, uh, uh...

[whispers] My daddy's a doctor.

‐ Ariya, do you know what kind of doctor Daddy is?

‐ A lung doctor. ‐ A lung doctor. That's right.

‐ Yeah. And what about Mommy?

‐ [giggles]

‐ Cancer?

‐ Yeah, Mommy's a cancer doctor. [chuckles]

SAMEER: I do this because I think I can help, you know?

I'm not an athlete. I'm not LeBron James.

I can't entertain people on TV.

I'm not a politician, um...

You know, I'm also not a soldier, right?

I can't help our country by protecting our country,

but what I can offer is medical care.

That's what I do.

That's what I trained to do, that's what I learned to do,

and that's what I'm good at.

Thank you.

So this is our PACU that's been created into a makeshift unit.

We won't show any patients in this, obviously, for HIPAA.

It's 25 beds.

A computer station for people to work.

And then I'll make a tour as we go through.

My family's what I lean on. They're what keep me grounded.

They're what allow me to go to work each day.

Into the house.

Here is this one. She's not allowed to touch me.

‐ Hi. SAMEER: I'll see you soon?

‐ See you soon. PRAGATI: Ariya, come here, baby.

SAMEER: Okay, love you. ‐ Bye.

SAMEER: And then we get decontaminated in here.

When Pragati and I had Ariya,

the first thing we did was we got life insurance

for each of us just in case one of us,

God forbid, wasn't there.

Do you ever get scared that I'll being coronavirus home?

‐ I'm n‐‐less worried about you getting coronavirus specifically

versus now I'm more worried that we'll both get it.

So I'm worry more so what would happen to Ariya.

SAMEER: I've been looking into,

you know, making a will for myself,

which at, you know, 37, I never really expected to do.

Ariya, and what does Daddy do at work?

Does Daddy see people with coronavirus?

‐ Yeah. SAMEER: Yeah?

And does Daddy get scared? ‐ Yeah.

SAMEER: Yeah?

And what Daddy do when he's scared?

‐ He‐‐he‐‐he‐‐he‐‐he‐‐he, um,

he gets brave.

SAMEER: He gets brave? ‐ Yeah.

[train tracks clacking]

SALEENA: Fear is not a normal feeling you feel in the emergency department.

You walk right past fear.

And even in the moments that are a little bit scary,

we've been trained for them.

I am an epidemiologist.

I spent a year in Kenya doing public health work

and I did a project in Laos on vaccine‐preventable diseases.

I worked in a cholera outbreak in Haiti in the middle of a‐‐

after a hurricane decimated part of the country.

We had to be evacuated out.

It was a very stressful and scary and dangerous situation,

and it feels nothing like this

because we could go home.

♪ ♪

I've been poring through the literature, reading as much as I can,

and there's nothing out there

for how an emergency department physician should handle a COVID patient.

♪ ♪

There's something about watching people struggling for air.

Like, "I don't know what's gonna happen to you."

We are facing something that we have just not been prepared for.

And you know what? Like, I'm a little scared.

♪ ♪

WORKER: What's mortality look like?

WORKER: I have no idea.

WORKER: Pick it up, pick it up. That might be x‐rays.

‐ Running an ABG to determine if we need to make changes to our vent settings.

We shall see.

The goal for us is‐‐ to keep us safe‐‐

is to spend as little time in the room as we can.

So I try to maximize my time when I'm in there.

These patients are sedated, often paralyzed.

I certainly can't imagine what that feels like.

I try to be as calm and as comforting

and I do try to talk to them.

And one of the questions I always ask of patients, like, as soon as I meet them,

is "Where are you from?"

So I still do that with patients.

Obviously, they don't answer me right now.

I'm like, "Oh, I'm from Virginia."

Like, I kind of act like they are answering me

even though they're not.

♪ ♪

I grew up in a small town.

The whole county had 12,000 people and about 45,000 cows, to put it into perspective.

♪ ♪

My mom is a nurse and both of my grandmothers are nurses.

My family has this small nursing home,

so I kind of, like, grew up there.

So I've been kind of around the dying process my whole life,

and I think it's an honor to be there and to be invited to be a part of that.

♪ ♪

JESSICA: Okay.

He's still very sick. He's very critical.

We have him in the intensive care unit right now.

I actually started as a volunteer.

I was about 16 years old.

Today, we have 11 patients.

We just got another new patient.

I mentally feel like I can't even sit down in the break room.

I just want to stay next to my patients.

In previous situations, we see progress.

With COVID‐19 patients, we don't see that.

It's, like, this up and down, up and down,

that we don't have, like, a clear picture of how they're going to do.

Hi, Jerry.

‐ [chuckles]

We're so happy to see you so much better.

‐ Yeah. ‐ From this morning?

From 8:00 in the morning until now?

Your numbers were 90, 89. Now‐‐

‐ Go up? ‐ Everything's looking a little better.

‐ Right.

‐ Your oxygenation is now up to 94.

You were saying you were a little hot?

‐ I'm gonna check your temperature, okay?

‐ Sure, sure.

‐ Under your tongue.

One of the major successes that we consider

is not putting in the breathing tube to begin with,

and this is what is happening with Jerry.

No fever. 97.1.

‐ Preventing intubation is really what is helping him at this point.

So we're so happy that everything that we've been doing is improving.

‐ And we've been able to keep that breathing tube away.

‐ Yes.

‐ Everything is working. ‐ That's right.

‐ Together, we've been a great team.

JESSICA: I have to think positive for them, because they need me.

They need me to stay this way so that they have a better outcome.

DE BLASIO: Where the hell is the federal government?

We don't have masks, we don't have ventilators.

TRUMP: We have millions of masks being donated.

We have a lot of things happening right now.

DE BLASIO: The national supply chain is totally roiled at this point.

TRUMP: We're a country not based on nationalizing our business.

CUOMO: We do not yet have secured a supply for three weeks from now,

four weeks from now, five weeks from now,

but we are still shopping.

KELLEY: Watched part of the governor's daily briefing.

Yeah, we're still screwed. Um, that's basically what I learned today.

I have my mask from today.

We've officially started doing the one mask a week.

There's gonna be germs on the outside of my mask,

and no matter how often I wash my hands,

like, by virtue of taking it off and putting it back on, and taking it‐‐

like, there will be some transmission

where that is going to get on my face somewhere

and it just makes it that much more risky.

Like, that's just the truth.

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

We have a group of nurses that wanted to participate in an action.

We're not walking out. We're not going on strike. That's now what this is.

It is just that we all push together for the stuff that we need.

Found out two of our nurses are intubated, so that sucks.

Uh, that's why we need to do this,

and we just need to all get on the same page.

and I have to plan something to say tomorrow to that effect.

PERSON: Yeah, what are we gonna say?

‐ We need to make a statement collectively,

asking the powers that be that have the stuff, that have the supplies,

BOTH: That have the capabilities...

‐ Of providing us the stuff

and the supplies and the resources to act quick.

We want to get through this whole thing as safely as possible

and all of us just are out here asking the government for help.

PERSON: That's awesome. That's super good. That's a great statement.

‐ I'm gonna throw up. [chuckles]

♪ ♪

[mumbling]

‐ [purrs] ‐ Missy, you're too cute right now.

I am scared, and you're just chillin'.

I wanna be you.

KELLEY'S HUSBAND: You should eat something. Or go to bed.

‐ I'm not hungry.

[takes deep breath]

CUOMO: New York is in crisis.

The system is over capacity.

REPORTER: Hospitals are running out of space,

out of equipment, and even out of personnel.

♪ ♪

[ventilator whooshing]

[ventilator chimes]

‐ There are just seas of people on breathing tubes

in the emergency department, like, dozens of them.

‐ I can't imagine what these patients are experiencing.

The panic that you must experience when you cannot take a breath.

SAMEER: Patients in all of these beds, ventilators, ready.

[ventilator chimes]

SALEENA: They almost kind of look like drowning victims,

where they need a bunch of sedation

and sometimes, even, they need to be paralyzed

so they can stay on the ventilator safely.

COLE: It's like I'm in some sort of weird parallel universe.

[ventilator chimes melodically]

‐ And then there's the sound of vents.

You know, they have a very specific melody.

[ventilator chimes]

‐ It's, like, hissing as it, like, blows air into the patient.

[ventilator hissing, whooshing]

♪ ♪

‐ I just need to take, like, a couple deep breaths

just because I felt like

I was, like, literally suffocating in those rooms.

♪ ♪

SALEENA: We were really struggling with a younger patient

and at one point there were eight doctors around his bed, just being like, "What is"‐‐

like, he was clearly, clearly, very, very, sick and, like, not getting better,

and we were doing all sorts of, like,

um, techniques to improve breathing.

Like, we're flipping people on their stomachs and...

we're just‐‐ we're‐‐we're trying‐‐

everyone's trying everything they can do.

♪ ♪

There's a lot of controversy on, like, types of medications to use,

and it's, like, really hard when you have someone who's young and dying

and you're like, "Well, I have this set of papers that say 'don't do it'

and I have this set of papers that say 'do do it.'"

You don't know if what you're giving someone

is going to result in them dying or saving them.

'Cause, like, how can we do our best when we don't even know what we're fighting?

[chuckles]

[indistinct voice]

COLE: My patient is very critically ill.

Um, he's almost died twice.

We've brought him back both times.

But he's very sick. He's not doing well.

So he may pass away tonight.

We're obviously doing literally everything that we can for him.

♪ ♪

After a patient dies, it's just you.

Everyone quickly leaves the room.

The lights are on. It's fully bright.

[ventilator chimes melodically]

But the monitor's still beeping,

the ventilator's still going off, you're just standing there

in all of your PPE, you know, you're hot, you're sweating under all of that.

So the first thing that I do is I, you know,

kind of just shut everything off

and just try to turn the lights down.

I have the opportunity to make the room completely silent.

I do talk to them like they're alive.

I like to tell everybody, you know,

"Everything's gonna be all right, everything's okay."

I like to give everybody a bath, you know, kind of wrap them.

And then we cover them with a sheet, turn the lights off,

and we just wait for the transport service to come get them

and take them to the morgue.

It has to be done. It's what we do.

And to do the best job that we can,

knowing that no one is there to help us.

ORGANIZER: Welcome, everybody.

[horn honks]

[indistinct chatter]

‐ Can you guys hear me? ALL: Yeah!

‐ Okay!

We're here to show the federal government that we exist

and yes, we are here in protest of the fact

that they have the capabilities and the resources to help us

and they sadly have chosen not to do so.

If we get sick, our community gets sick.

And I want us to take this time right now

to have a moment of silence for Kious Kelly,

the nurse that passed away at Mount Sinai

due to COVID earlier this week.

[camera shutters click, horn honks]

‐ Nurses here at Jacobi Medical Center just held a press conference.

They say the hospital is putting their lives at risk.

‐ The masks are supposed to be one‐time use.

The ventilators, the PPE, the IV pumps, we need them now, we needed them before.

And it's unacceptable.

I didn't expect to talk to that many news people. [chuckles]

I gotta go to work.

NURSE: I heard them saying they're gonna dock people or something.

‐ Yeah, yeah. I'm going.

And then ever since then,

a bunch of people wanted to talk to me.

We're being exposed over and over again, and it is criminal.

[speaking Spanish]

Sunday night, I was on "60 Minutes."

BILL WHITAKER: Do you have enough masks?

‐ No.

WHITAKER: Do you have enough face shields?

‐ No.

There's times where I'm definitely, like,

"Should I be saying all of this?"

[tense music]

I have worked for the largest public hospital system in the country.

I fully support a public health care system.

It's the reason why I'm at a safety‐net hospital.

A lot of these health care issues have been here forever, for years, you know?

ORGANIZER: What do we need? ALL: PPE!

KELLEY: On Monday night, I spoke to my dad for a really long time.

He said, "When you know something, don't doubt it.

Don't ever doubt doing it."

This feels like the right thing to do.

Speaking out feels like the right thing to do.

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ It's 12:30 in the morning.

My mom sent me a care package a couple days ago,

so I'm super excited to dig into that and see what she sent.

Some serious tape for sure.

Some homemade masks.

Essential Girl Scout cookies.

Two rolls of TP.

So thanks for this, Mom. This is super helpful.

And it looks like there's a little handwritten card.

This has got Grandma written all over it and I love it.

"Cole, I have prayed for angels to pick up your feet when you are weary,

"for God to hold you in the hollow of his hand,

"peace when you are walking through the valley of death.

"I am so very proud of you, your dedication and compassion.

Be safe and know you are loved."

♪ ♪

‐ Hi. So again, it's Easter Sunday. ‐ Hi.

‐ Thursday‐‐sorry, Saturday, Sunday‐‐Sunday, right?

Sunday? ‐ Yeah.

‐ Sunday, April 12th.

Ariya's riding her scooter.

Sometimes going fast since Mommy's at work today.

‐ I can't know if coronavirus is done or not.

‐ Yeah, I don't know yet, either.

♪ ♪

I started a little bit late today in terms of videotaping

because I walked in the door and it was just an absolute madhouse.

Dialysis machine, as we're about to start dialysis.

More staff, working hard.

There is one patient that came to us a couple days ago‐‐

we'll call him Mr. T‐‐um, who is young in his mid‐50s,

slowly been getting worse.

SALEENA: We had a couple of critical cases

and, you know, the one that stands out the most to me

was someone who was younger than myself come in

and he was, you know, really, really, really sick.

And I called my respiratory therapist.

And in normal circumstances,

my respiratory therapist will come down

in, I don't know, like, five minutes.

SAMEER: Today was a bad day.

Three people died.

Seven new patients came to our ICU.

SALEENA: I waited and I waited and I waited.

I just wasn't sure what to do.

SAMEER: But this is unlike anything I've ever seen in my career.

Just an endless onslaught of people

and people that were just dying.

‐ I just am so sick of watching people fight for their life.

[unsettled music]

♪ ♪

REPORTER: For doctors and nurses at crowded ERs,

no rest for the weary.

CUOMO: It's like the entire hospital

has turned into an ICU facility.

REPORTER: The staggering death toll has led

to more burials on Hart Island.

CUOMO: It's gotten to the point, frankly,

that we're gonna bring in additional funeral directors.

to deal with the number of people who have passed.

♪ ♪

COLE: Normally, whenever someone passes away,

you always have time to stop and debrief after it.

Like, that's kind of part of the process.

But we don't have time to do that.

You then have to run away and go to your other patients.

And I don't have time to spend an hour

preparing a body like I used to be able to do.

It definitely makes me sad.

It makes me feel like I'm not caring for the person

just because they're dead.

Um, you know, and that's not the kind of nurse I am.

[tragic music]

SAMEER: The truth is, once they get

into the intensive care unit setting,

there's not much that can be done.

[device dings]

WORKER: Oh, is that true? 85%?

SAMEER: We have wins,

but when we're looking to pick out the wins as one patient

among a crowd of 30,

that's 29 losses.

WORKER: Yay! Someone's going home.

BOTH: Whoo!

SAMEER: The losses far outnumber the victories.

♪ ♪

Death is everywhere.

Um, and we do our best to fight it.

We do our best to stave it off.

But we're having a hard time right now.

[unsettling music]

SALEENA: I have never been so in doubt

of being a doctor right now

because sometimes you feel completely helpless.

Like, I felt helpless last night.

When you feel like you've lost your function

in your work,

how could you not question your work?

Your function is to save lives.

Save lives.

SALEENA: And we're checking on our sign.

[chuckles] He signed it "COVID‐19 survivor."

ALI VELSHI: New Yorkers across the city took two minutes

to clap for health workers and first responders.

CHRIS CUOMO: This happens in the city every night.

A citywide clap at 7:00 p.m. eastern.

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause continues]

NEW YORKER: What do you think?

NEW YORKER: I think it's great.

[cheers and applause]

It is really awesome.

[laughs]

That's nice.

COLE: Last night, I was asleep.

That was my alarm clock. It was at 7:00,

and I heard the horn honking.

Hi, neighbor. ‐ Hey!

COLE: Thank you. NEIGHBOR: This is for you, man.

COLE: We appreciate it. Thank you very much.

[horns honk]

SAMEER: This is what lines the hallway.

Very sweet and very touching.

CHRIS CUOMO: A citywide clap at 7:00 every night.

I'm gonna play it for you every damn night.

♪ ♪

‐ I guess that's me.

Do you wanna Facetime your wife before you get some rest?

JERRY: Mm‐hmm.

JESSICA: Oh! Hi, Luz.

LUZ: Hi! JESSICA: Hi! It's‐‐

‐ We wanted to update you on how Jerry was doing.

We just gave him a little bit of morphine

just to help with his breathing.

But I wanted to let you know

that his vital signs are stable.

His oxygenation is 98%.

So everything's looking good.

‐ Aw. Don't worry.

Get some rest now, okay?

JERRY: Hi, sweetie.

‐ Bye. Bye, Luz.

She's such a sweetheart. JERRY: Mm‐hmm.

Mm‐hmm.

JESSICA: All right. Perfect.

All right. Do you need anything?

JERRY: No, I think I'm good. ‐ No?

Okay. JERRY: Nothing yet.

‐ All right. Perfect.

‐ Good news: Mr. T, the patient I had told you

about previously

was extubated today,

meaning the breathing tube was taken out.

He's actually breathing on his own.

He's awake, he's talking,

and seems to be pretty with it, which is good.

It's nice to see some good things.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

‐ So unfortunately, despite our best efforts,

Jerry got intubated.

This is what happens with COVID‐19

and many of the complications.

Despite our best efforts,

our patients just deteriorate.

♪ ♪

SAMEER: Some bad news first.

Mr. T, the gentleman that we were so happy about

that had been extubated last week

was reintubated again overnight,

meaning the breathing tube was put back in.

And this is probably a very bad sign.

I think the truth of the fact is

that, um, I'm tired.

I can keep doing this, but I'm tired.

Like, I‐‐I'm‐‐you know, I'm worn down.

It's been the same thing over and over again.

♪ ♪

SALEENA: [whispering] Hi, Josie. Shh.

Josie, no. No, don't come near me.

Go, go. Inside. Inside, Josie.

No, not outside.

I think, like, I hit‐‐like, really hit rock bottom today.

I was so sick of wearing PPE

that I just, like, ripped my mask off,

and, like, my attending, who was with me,

she's like, "Put your mask on."

I'm like, "I cannot wear this anymore."

I was, like, completely out of my mind.

Like, I literally took everything off, you know?

I just snapped.

And then I woke up today and I laid in bed,

and I was like, "Oh, my God."

Like, "I‐‐ this does not feel right."

I‐‐I think I'm, like... [sighs]

I think I'm really not okay right now.

[sniffles] And‐‐and I've said it's okay to not be okay

because I've, like, always known what my core is

and I feel like I've always been a strong person,

and today was the first day that...

[sniffles]

♪ ♪

I just don't know that anymore.

And I feel so guilty for not being stronger.

[sniffles]

JESSICA: All right. Let's go.

I just got a message from one of my friends in AID‐ICU

who's taking care of Jerry.

Jerry?

FRIEND: Hi! JESSICA: Hi!

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my goodness!

JERRY: Hello!

How're you doing? JESS: Oh, my gosh!

Jerry just got extubated!

FRIEND: Aww. ‐ You look so good.

Oh, my‐‐I got you pudding.

ALL: [laugh]

JESSICA: You look amazing.

This is a miracle. This is a miracle.

It takes time to heal.

‐ Yeah?

JESSICA: So far, so good.

JESSICA: Your body has been through so much.

‐ [exhales forcefully]

[exhales]

[exhales again] JESSICA: Perfect, Jerry.

JESSICA: I'm gonna always remember you.

[cheers and applause]

Yay, Jerry! [laughs]

‐ It's amazing. JESSICA: Yes, it is.

[cheers and applause]

[siren wails]

KELLEY: Most of my life now is‐‐is this

and the response to this.

We're trying to figure out how to reverse this‐‐

or what to do to reverse this sick‐time policy.

We're in a tough spot now,

from having critiqued our system.

I worry that if I choose to leave this job

and look for another one,

I'm not sure how many facilities will want

someone that has been critical on national television.

So...

yeah.

That's been...getting harder and harder to realize.

That really sucks...

'cause I love taking care of patients.

So...

[voice shaking] Um...yeah.

I have to get on a call.

♪ ♪

COLE: In the past, if I knew

that a death was imminent,

I would try to be with the patient

as much as I possibly could.

And now that's just stopped entirely.

Like, they're, for the most part,

completely alone when they die.

I don't think that anyone dies well when they die alone.

This whole experience is really,

as frustrating as it can be‐‐

and it doesn't really necessarily feel rewarding‐‐

I think it makes you realize how important it is

that you're here in this moment,

that you're doing what you're doing,

and I feel like if I left this job,

then I would, like, kind of forever regret it.

♪ ♪

SALEENA: Just received some really hard news

that my mentor committed suicide,

seemingly as a result of being super stressed out from COVID.

Gravity of the loss is so magnified.

You just wonder how many other people feel...

as bad as she did.

Not knowing when it's gonna end,

I think, is adding another layer,

because now we're sort of like,

"Well, now what?"

So, our numbers went down, our admissions are going down.

The hospital's emptying, either through people dying

or people getting off the vent or people being discharged.

But then the question is,

"Well, what does the new normal look like?"

And as long as I take care of COVID patients,

my life will never be normal.

I think now what's happening is we're bracing ourselves

for the next wave,

and I just don't know life is gonna look like, honestly.

♪ ♪

SAMEER: Good morning.

I worry a little bit more now than maybe a few weeks ago

that this image of people just dying around me

is going to be hard to get rid of.

I think more and more about the long‐term consequences

of this.

Um, I also think a lot about my family these times‐‐

what my wife and my daughter will do.

When Ariya is grown up, you know,

my plan is to talk to her

about everything that we're seeing.

You know, we'll tell her

about the number of people that died

and we'll talk about how people were on life support

and how her mommy and daddy were in the hospital,

taking care of people.

But I hope she does not see me as a memory.

Because if she sees me as a memory,

that means I didn't make it through this.

This is from when Mommy and Daddy got married.

‐ Can you hold it up higher so we can see?

‐ Yeah. ‐ That's better.

SAMEER: Yeah, I wanna show you a picture of Mommy in a mask.

‐ [giggles, smooches]

SAMEER: Here. Is that Daddy and Ariya?

ARIYA: Yeah. SAMEER: We try and be proactive

about printing out picture books.

‐ Dada, Ariya, Mama.

SAMEER: God forbid, should I get sick, or, God forbid,

should I die,

I hope she sees the pictures of me

and knows that I‐‐I loved her.

ARIYA: Daddy. SAMEER: What are you doing there?

I‐‐you know, I don't wanna die.

Um, I don't wanna not make it through this.

I don't wanna not come home to my wife and my daughter...

um, because, although I'm losing all my hair,

I'm still young.

And I think there's a lot of life left in me.

I think there's a lot of things that I can do,

but really, I wanna be there for my family.

I wanna be able to provide for my family,

to care for my family...

and keep‐‐keep moving forward.

So I‐‐you know, I'm not ready to die.

I'm not going to die.

I...I'm not planning to die.

Um...sorry.

[exhales heavily]