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1
00:00:06,632 --> 00:00:08,224
Blasted matriarch!
2
00:00:08,334 --> 00:00:11,929
She has failed once again to replenish
this frigid box with potations.
3
00:00:12,038 --> 00:00:13,562
l shall give her a piece of my mind!
4
00:00:16,242 --> 00:00:17,231
Damn it!
5
00:00:18,177 --> 00:00:20,737
Now look here, you.... Oh, my God!
6
00:00:21,047 --> 00:00:22,981
[Dramatic instrumental music]
7
00:00:23,716 --> 00:00:25,707
Now you shouldn't be frightened, Stewie.
8
00:00:25,918 --> 00:00:28,785
What you saw was actually
a very beautiful thing.
9
00:00:28,888 --> 00:00:32,654
Evidently, madam, you and l differ greatly
in our conception of beauty.
10
00:00:32,758 --> 00:00:35,659
What l just witnessed
was ghastlier than a thousand ghouls!
11
00:00:35,761 --> 00:00:39,629
Stewie, mommies and daddies
like to hug each other that way.
12
00:00:39,932 --> 00:00:43,299
ln fact, sweetie,
that's sort of how you were created.
13
00:00:43,402 --> 00:00:45,393
That is a vile and odious lie!
14
00:00:45,504 --> 00:00:48,439
How dare you fill my head
with such loathsome propaganda?
15
00:00:48,541 --> 00:00:49,872
Get out, you horrid woman!
16
00:00:49,976 --> 00:00:52,103
Okay, honey. l'll go get your teddy bear.
17
00:00:52,311 --> 00:00:53,300
[Stewie moaning]
18
00:00:55,448 --> 00:00:57,678
Good Lord.
You saw them together, didn't you?
19
00:00:59,318 --> 00:01:02,287
You know the tub
where you take your little baths?
20
00:01:02,388 --> 00:01:03,912
They've done it there, too.
21
00:01:04,056 --> 00:01:05,421
[Exclaiming]
22
00:01:06,492 --> 00:01:09,655
LOlS: [Singing]
''lt seems today that all you see
23
00:01:09,962 --> 00:01:12,453
''is violence in movies and sex on TV
24
00:01:13,065 --> 00:01:16,091
''But where are those good,
old-fashioned values
25
00:01:16,702 --> 00:01:19,262
''on which we used to rely?
26
00:01:19,972 --> 00:01:22,566
''Lucky there's a family guy
27
00:01:23,175 --> 00:01:26,269
''Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell you
28
00:01:26,379 --> 00:01:28,040
''all the things that make us
29
00:01:28,147 --> 00:01:29,478
''laugh 'n' cry
30
00:01:29,582 --> 00:01:34,110
''He's a family guy''
31
00:01:38,257 --> 00:01:41,886
What in the name of our Christian God?
You're out of the semicircle!
32
00:01:41,994 --> 00:01:44,121
All Scouts have to sit in the semicircle!
33
00:01:44,230 --> 00:01:45,254
Why?
34
00:01:45,498 --> 00:01:48,831
Why? Saunders, tell him why!
35
00:01:49,101 --> 00:01:50,398
Because it's Rule 142-B!
36
00:01:50,503 --> 00:01:52,095
Because it's Rule 142-B!
37
00:01:52,204 --> 00:01:54,570
Good job, Scout.
Now drop and give me 20!
38
00:01:54,674 --> 00:01:56,164
Thank you, sir!
39
00:01:56,943 --> 00:02:00,845
Ladies, this Saturday at 0800
there will be a soapbox derby...
40
00:02:00,947 --> 00:02:03,541
...as a reward for all your obedience.
41
00:02:03,683 --> 00:02:05,241
[Scouts barking]
42
00:02:06,852 --> 00:02:08,945
[Cheery TV theme music]
43
00:02:10,823 --> 00:02:13,087
Mom, Dad, I reaIIy Iike Potsie.
44
00:02:13,459 --> 00:02:16,257
Why not, dear? Potsie's a very nice boy.
45
00:02:16,462 --> 00:02:19,920
No, Mom. I mean, I reaIIy Iike Potsie.
46
00:02:20,032 --> 00:02:22,000
MR. CUNNlNGHAM:
We heard you the first time.
47
00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:24,092
You have a homosexuaI attraction
to Potsie.
48
00:02:24,203 --> 00:02:26,194
Anything on that remote lower than mute?
49
00:02:26,305 --> 00:02:28,432
l got a surprise for you, Chris.
50
00:02:28,541 --> 00:02:30,702
lt'll have to wait.
This is where the Fonz goes....
51
00:02:30,810 --> 00:02:31,708
[Exclaiming]
52
00:02:31,911 --> 00:02:32,878
[Exclaiming]
53
00:02:33,012 --> 00:02:33,979
[Laughing]
54
00:02:34,313 --> 00:02:38,044
Take that, 1950s society! Okay, let's go.
55
00:02:39,585 --> 00:02:43,214
Chris, this is the speed machine
that's gonna win you the soapbox derby.
56
00:02:43,322 --> 00:02:47,019
But, Dad, l was supposed to build it myself.
lt's a rule.
57
00:02:47,159 --> 00:02:49,184
Come on. Rules were made to be broken.
58
00:02:58,871 --> 00:02:59,997
[Peter grunts]
59
00:03:01,607 --> 00:03:03,370
Here, let me show you the turbo booster.
60
00:03:03,476 --> 00:03:07,276
Dad, what would you say if l told you
l didn't want to be in the Scouts?
61
00:03:07,380 --> 00:03:10,975
l'd say come again?
And then l'd laugh because l said ''come.''
62
00:03:11,083 --> 00:03:14,075
But thank God that's not the case.
You're a Scout.
63
00:03:14,186 --> 00:03:17,451
And you know what that means?
That means l love you.
64
00:03:19,492 --> 00:03:20,516
Meg?
65
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,520
Chris, get out of here!
You're not allowed in my room.
66
00:03:23,629 --> 00:03:25,824
l thought that was just
when you were asleep.
67
00:03:25,931 --> 00:03:27,228
What do you want?
68
00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:31,201
l don't want to be in the Scouts anymore.
l just want to draw.
69
00:03:31,570 --> 00:03:36,371
l was kinda hoping you could tell Dad.
But try and open with a joke.
70
00:03:36,709 --> 00:03:37,607
Tell him yourself.
71
00:03:37,710 --> 00:03:40,508
l can't.
l don't want to disappoint him again.
72
00:03:40,613 --> 00:03:43,548
You remember when he tried to sneak me
into the County Fair?
73
00:03:44,483 --> 00:03:45,848
One, please.
74
00:03:45,951 --> 00:03:47,213
[Chris sneezes]
75
00:03:47,319 --> 00:03:51,346
Wait a second! Your ass just sneezed!
And horses can't talk! No!
76
00:03:51,757 --> 00:03:53,588
Nothing about this adds up at all!
77
00:03:55,094 --> 00:03:58,860
Okay, look. Dad is really easy.
All you have to do is sit on his lap...
78
00:03:58,964 --> 00:04:03,196
...give him a big kiss on the cheek,
look him right in the eye, and he's butter.
79
00:04:05,471 --> 00:04:06,495
What the hell?
80
00:04:06,605 --> 00:04:10,507
Dad, the Scouts are no fun. And l....
Wait a minute.
81
00:04:12,978 --> 00:04:17,278
Chris, l am going to stand up,
walk out of this room...
82
00:04:17,917 --> 00:04:20,681
...and we will never speak of this again.
83
00:04:22,788 --> 00:04:23,880
[Moans]
84
00:04:24,623 --> 00:04:26,853
[Exciting instrumental music]
85
00:04:27,827 --> 00:04:29,454
Speed, you should not race! Ha-ha!
86
00:04:29,562 --> 00:04:30,859
The Mach 5 is not ready! Ha-ha!
87
00:04:30,963 --> 00:04:32,487
But Pops, l must race! Ha-ha!
88
00:04:32,598 --> 00:04:35,158
Very well.
But l am not really your father! Ha-ha!
89
00:04:35,301 --> 00:04:36,700
[Exclaiming]
90
00:04:37,269 --> 00:04:38,236
[Crowd cheering]
91
00:04:46,312 --> 00:04:47,802
Okay girls, get ready...
92
00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:49,244
[Scouts making revving sounds]
93
00:04:49,348 --> 00:04:50,372
...get set....
94
00:04:50,483 --> 00:04:54,817
[Stammering]
Please God, l don't ask you for much.
95
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,444
But let my boy win this race.
96
00:04:56,822 --> 00:05:00,485
Do not go until l wave my flag.
l can't stress that enough.
97
00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:03,694
l'll wave it once
just to show you how it looks.
98
00:05:04,663 --> 00:05:05,630
CHRlS: Look out!
99
00:05:05,731 --> 00:05:07,926
LEADER: Griffin is disqualified!
100
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:09,859
[Leader grunting]
101
00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:14,000
LEADER: Your boy is out of the Scouts!
102
00:05:14,106 --> 00:05:16,074
Who died and made you President Nixon?
103
00:05:16,175 --> 00:05:17,802
Look, it's been two years!
104
00:05:17,910 --> 00:05:20,401
Your idiot son hasn't earned
a single merit badge.
105
00:05:20,513 --> 00:05:23,243
lf you'll excuse me,
l've got to administer some spankings.
106
00:05:23,349 --> 00:05:25,146
Come on. Give him a little more time.
107
00:05:25,251 --> 00:05:28,186
All right!
You've got three days to earn a badge!
108
00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:31,415
Three days! That's tomorrow!
We gotta get going!
109
00:05:31,924 --> 00:05:33,482
[Cheery instrumental music]
110
00:05:33,726 --> 00:05:36,559
Stewie, look what
Mommy made for dessert.
111
00:05:36,862 --> 00:05:41,231
Jell-O. How exotic!
l feel like l'm on the deck of the QE II.
112
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:42,967
Me and Chris will take ours to go.
113
00:05:43,068 --> 00:05:45,366
We've only got one more night
to get that badge.
114
00:05:45,671 --> 00:05:50,574
Dad, maybe we should just give up.
l mean, we tried everything.
115
00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:52,640
We almost got that one for insect study.
116
00:05:53,078 --> 00:05:55,945
Look, Chris. lt's a whole family of WASPs.
117
00:05:58,017 --> 00:06:00,417
My, Margaret. What a sub-par ham.
118
00:06:01,654 --> 00:06:03,315
Perhaps l can't bake a ham.
119
00:06:03,422 --> 00:06:07,518
But what l can cook up
is a little grace and civility at the table.
120
00:06:08,861 --> 00:06:11,352
Patty, did you know that your mother
is a whore?
121
00:06:11,664 --> 00:06:15,498
l think it's great that you and Chris've been
spending so much time together.
122
00:06:15,601 --> 00:06:18,468
But he's the one
who should be earning that badge.
123
00:06:18,571 --> 00:06:21,836
Where do you get off telling me
how to raise my son?
124
00:06:22,708 --> 00:06:26,667
Right. Okay. We'll try it your way, honey.
125
00:06:26,879 --> 00:06:27,971
[Laughing nervously]
126
00:06:30,082 --> 00:06:31,242
PETER: There's my Scout!
127
00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:33,409
Not anymore, Dad. l'm out.
128
00:06:33,619 --> 00:06:35,951
They made me turn in my uniform
and everything.
129
00:06:36,055 --> 00:06:39,786
What? Those bastards!
Don't you worry. l'll get you back in!
130
00:06:39,892 --> 00:06:41,655
lt's okay, Dad. l'm not really--
131
00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:45,355
Don't take no for an answer, Chris.
You're a Griffin.
132
00:06:45,631 --> 00:06:48,191
And a Griffin never knows when to stop.
133
00:06:48,701 --> 00:06:49,827
PETER: Clear!
134
00:06:50,636 --> 00:06:51,603
PETER: Clear!
135
00:06:51,804 --> 00:06:53,066
[Gasping]
136
00:06:53,172 --> 00:06:54,605
You saved my life, Doctor!
137
00:06:54,707 --> 00:06:55,833
PETER: Clear!
138
00:06:56,842 --> 00:06:59,538
l'm calling that troop leader.
We're going over his head.
139
00:06:59,645 --> 00:07:01,670
Straight to the Scout head office
in New York.
140
00:07:01,780 --> 00:07:05,307
Pack your bags, you guys!
The Griffins are hitting the Big Apple!
141
00:07:05,417 --> 00:07:07,908
Ha-ha! Did you hear?
The Griffins are going to New York!
142
00:07:08,020 --> 00:07:09,715
This does not affect us at all. Ha-ha!
143
00:07:13,792 --> 00:07:15,919
l can't believe we're going to New York.
144
00:07:16,028 --> 00:07:17,825
Dad, you don't really have to do this.
145
00:07:17,930 --> 00:07:21,764
Yes, l do. No boy of mine is gonna get
booted out of the Scouts.
146
00:07:21,867 --> 00:07:22,834
[Chris moans]
147
00:07:23,135 --> 00:07:24,932
What the hell do you think you're doing?
148
00:07:25,037 --> 00:07:27,335
Strapping you in, honey,
so you don't get hurt.
149
00:07:27,773 --> 00:07:29,365
So l don't get hurt.
150
00:07:29,475 --> 00:07:32,205
That's the best you can do,
you dull-witted termagant?
151
00:07:32,311 --> 00:07:34,302
l brought your Raffi tape.
152
00:07:35,414 --> 00:07:37,814
Play WheeIs on the Bus
and get the hell out of my sight.
153
00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,144
Where's Brian?
154
00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:40,309
Aren't you coming?
155
00:07:40,419 --> 00:07:42,011
No, thanks. l've been to New York.
156
00:07:42,121 --> 00:07:44,351
lt's like Prague sans the whimsy.
157
00:07:44,456 --> 00:07:46,583
Will you be okay by yourself?.
158
00:07:46,692 --> 00:07:48,557
l think l'll manage.
159
00:07:49,495 --> 00:07:50,962
All right, you guys. We're off!
160
00:07:51,063 --> 00:07:54,123
Those Scouts are never gonna know
what hit them.
161
00:07:54,233 --> 00:07:55,757
And neither will that guy.
162
00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:57,424
[Tires squealing]
163
00:07:58,704 --> 00:08:00,729
[Adventurous instrumental music]
164
00:08:00,939 --> 00:08:02,668
Okay. l'm thinking of a movie.
165
00:08:02,775 --> 00:08:04,902
-ls it an action movie?
-No.
166
00:08:05,010 --> 00:08:06,910
-ls it a musical?
-No.
167
00:08:07,012 --> 00:08:09,674
-ls it a good movie?
-lt has its moments.
168
00:08:09,782 --> 00:08:11,010
-CooI Runnings.
-Right!
169
00:08:12,484 --> 00:08:14,281
[Music on TV]
170
00:08:15,087 --> 00:08:19,148
After years of study, I've discovered
the secret to Ionger Iife in canines.
171
00:08:19,258 --> 00:08:20,691
And that secret is--
172
00:08:20,793 --> 00:08:24,354
TV NARRATOR: We interrupt this program
for some episodes of One Day at a Time.
173
00:08:24,463 --> 00:08:28,160
Damn it, JuIie. I'm a singIe mother
doing the best damn job she knows how!
174
00:08:28,267 --> 00:08:29,461
And damn it, Schneider!
175
00:08:29,568 --> 00:08:31,798
I asked you to fix
that damn sink two days ago!
176
00:08:31,904 --> 00:08:33,599
I'II fix your sink, Miss Romano.
177
00:08:33,706 --> 00:08:35,936
And by that I mean I'II have sex with you.
178
00:08:36,041 --> 00:08:38,407
And by that, I mean I'II fix your sink.
179
00:08:38,510 --> 00:08:41,308
And by ''sink, '' I mean
your reproductive organ.
180
00:08:41,413 --> 00:08:42,675
[Laughter from TV audience]
181
00:08:42,781 --> 00:08:45,944
And by ''reproductive organ, ''
I mean the thing between your knees.
182
00:08:46,051 --> 00:08:48,451
And by ''the thing between your knees, '' I....
183
00:08:48,554 --> 00:08:50,681
I guess that one's kind of seIf-expIanatory.
184
00:08:50,789 --> 00:08:52,086
[Brian hollers]
185
00:08:54,727 --> 00:08:55,716
Peter, we're lost.
186
00:08:55,828 --> 00:08:58,023
Would you please ask for directions?
187
00:08:58,130 --> 00:09:00,155
We are not lost. And even if we were...
188
00:09:00,265 --> 00:09:02,324
...l can't ask a human being for directions.
189
00:09:02,434 --> 00:09:04,800
-Why not?
-Because l'm a man.
190
00:09:04,903 --> 00:09:07,098
Haven't you ever seen
a stand-up comedian, Lois?
191
00:09:07,206 --> 00:09:09,367
Dad, maybe we should go home.
192
00:09:09,541 --> 00:09:12,101
No way.
We came to get you back into the Scouts.
193
00:09:12,211 --> 00:09:13,940
And that's exactly what we're gonna do.
194
00:09:14,046 --> 00:09:14,978
[Gurgling]
195
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:16,911
-What was that?
-Nothing.
196
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,073
[Gurgling]
197
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:19,980
Peter, the car is making funny noises.
198
00:09:20,085 --> 00:09:22,952
You're wrong again, Lois.
That wasn't the car.
199
00:09:23,055 --> 00:09:25,751
Although you were right
about that prune smoothie.
200
00:09:25,858 --> 00:09:26,916
Are you okay?
201
00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:29,687
l'll be fine.
l just have to concentrate on driving.
202
00:09:30,129 --> 00:09:31,824
[Alarming instrumental music]
203
00:09:34,500 --> 00:09:35,660
[Groaning]
204
00:09:36,502 --> 00:09:37,594
[Gurgling]
205
00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:39,000
[Peter groans]
206
00:09:40,272 --> 00:09:41,364
[Peter groans]
207
00:09:44,176 --> 00:09:46,110
Come on! That one's not even real!
208
00:09:47,746 --> 00:09:48,940
God! We gotta stop!
209
00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:52,016
[Car screeching]
210
00:09:53,285 --> 00:09:55,150
MEG: Wow! An lndian casino!
211
00:09:55,554 --> 00:09:57,647
Yeah. l gotta find me the stink lodge!
212
00:09:57,756 --> 00:09:58,654
[Moaning]
213
00:09:58,824 --> 00:10:01,019
[Thrilling instrumental music]
214
00:10:13,939 --> 00:10:16,339
Come on, you guys. No time to lose!
215
00:10:16,608 --> 00:10:17,802
Hold it.
216
00:10:18,143 --> 00:10:19,440
Hold it!
217
00:10:19,912 --> 00:10:20,970
Hold it!
218
00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:22,410
[Moaning]
219
00:10:23,615 --> 00:10:25,913
AUTOMATED lNDlAN: WeIcome
to our casino, paIefaces.
220
00:10:26,018 --> 00:10:29,476
FeeI free to visit gift shop in Iobby
and restaurant on second fIoor.
221
00:10:29,588 --> 00:10:30,885
Do you have reservations?
222
00:10:30,989 --> 00:10:32,684
OnIy about the veaI!
223
00:10:32,825 --> 00:10:34,417
[Laughing]
224
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:37,785
This is gonna be a photo finish, Lois!
225
00:10:38,063 --> 00:10:39,394
[Moaning]
226
00:10:40,132 --> 00:10:43,624
l'm gonna ask someone for directions.
Meg, watch Stewie.
227
00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:48,239
Excuse me.
Can you tell me how to get to New York?
228
00:10:48,340 --> 00:10:49,864
Sure. But what's your hurry, ma'am?
229
00:10:49,975 --> 00:10:51,340
Don't you want to play first?
230
00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:55,903
Thank you.
But l really don't approve of gambling.
231
00:10:56,014 --> 00:10:57,709
Technically it's not really gambling.
232
00:10:57,816 --> 00:10:59,943
We're trying to rebuild
our shattered culture...
233
00:11:00,052 --> 00:11:02,282
...after you raped our land
and defiled our women.
234
00:11:02,387 --> 00:11:05,413
As long as you're not using it for firewater.
235
00:11:09,261 --> 00:11:11,161
Look, a bow tie.
236
00:11:12,731 --> 00:11:13,698
[Singing]
237
00:11:14,066 --> 00:11:15,693
l'm David Bowie.
238
00:11:17,002 --> 00:11:18,663
Bo Derek!
239
00:11:20,472 --> 00:11:23,498
Very funny!
Now tell the one that doesn't suck!
240
00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:24,904
[Laughter and applause]
241
00:11:25,043 --> 00:11:29,207
Thank you. Yes.
And what's the deal with airline food?
242
00:11:31,750 --> 00:11:34,344
Thanks, ''Watches You Pee.''
243
00:11:35,821 --> 00:11:36,788
PETER: Where's your mother?
244
00:11:36,889 --> 00:11:38,220
Over there.
245
00:11:39,892 --> 00:11:41,792
l didn't know you knew how to play poker.
246
00:11:41,894 --> 00:11:43,293
-Yeah.
-How you doing?
247
00:11:43,529 --> 00:11:45,895
-Yeah.
-That's good, honey. Let's go.
248
00:11:45,998 --> 00:11:47,056
Yeah.
249
00:11:51,403 --> 00:11:54,668
lt's funny. l never knew video poker
could be so much fun.
250
00:11:54,773 --> 00:11:57,333
You win a few hands
and all those lights go off.
251
00:11:57,442 --> 00:11:59,808
And you just feel so good inside.
252
00:11:59,912 --> 00:12:02,210
Yeah, gambling is great.
No question about it.
253
00:12:02,314 --> 00:12:04,942
lt felt so good. l kept putting my money in.
254
00:12:05,050 --> 00:12:09,384
And before l knew it, l'd lost $40.
l'm so embarrassed.
255
00:12:09,488 --> 00:12:11,615
That's okay.
As long as you learned your lesson.
256
00:12:11,723 --> 00:12:15,489
l did, Peter, for a couple of minutes.
Then....
257
00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:18,356
This is so silly. l started playing again.
258
00:12:18,463 --> 00:12:19,794
l could swear l parked here.
259
00:12:19,898 --> 00:12:23,390
Yeah, you did.
But here's the really silly thing, Peter.
260
00:12:23,635 --> 00:12:25,330
l sort of bet our car.
261
00:12:25,437 --> 00:12:26,631
[Exclaiming]
262
00:12:27,139 --> 00:12:29,369
l won't panic.
l need to go back in the casino...
263
00:12:29,474 --> 00:12:33,137
...and find a high roller who'll pay
$1 million to sleep with my wife.
264
00:12:33,245 --> 00:12:35,110
What? That's ridiculous!
265
00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:38,239
These people took $24
for the island of Manhattan.
266
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:41,045
They have no idea what things are worth!
267
00:12:44,957 --> 00:12:46,083
MEG: Nice going, Mom.
268
00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:49,955
l finally get my driver's license
and you lose the car to a poker machine.
269
00:12:50,062 --> 00:12:51,359
How ironic.
270
00:12:51,496 --> 00:12:54,761
Don't talk about your mother that way.
She is not an iron.
271
00:12:54,866 --> 00:12:56,925
We gotta figure out a way
to get to New York...
272
00:12:57,035 --> 00:12:58,696
...and get Chris back into the Scouts.
273
00:12:58,804 --> 00:13:00,032
But Dad--
274
00:13:00,138 --> 00:13:03,403
l got it.
l'll just get Brian to wire us some money.
275
00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:05,869
[Phone ringing]
276
00:13:05,978 --> 00:13:07,138
[Brian laughing]
277
00:13:07,879 --> 00:13:11,076
Damn it, JuIie!
I am not shacking up with my boyfriend.
278
00:13:11,183 --> 00:13:13,447
I am just going away for the weekend.
279
00:13:13,552 --> 00:13:15,918
SCHNElDER: Yeah. AII the away.
280
00:13:16,054 --> 00:13:17,189
[TV audience laughing]
281
00:13:17,189 --> 00:13:17,484
[TV audience laughing]
282
00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:18,556
[Hooting]
283
00:13:18,690 --> 00:13:21,284
Damn, Schneider! What won't you say?
284
00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:25,256
No answer at the house.
You didn't bet that, too, did you?
285
00:13:25,364 --> 00:13:28,492
l'm sorry, Peter. l feel so foolish.
286
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,864
lt just seemed like such a good cause.
287
00:13:31,236 --> 00:13:34,467
Everyone in the tribe gets a share
in the casino's profits.
288
00:13:34,573 --> 00:13:36,438
-What did you just say?
-''l'm sorry.''
289
00:13:36,541 --> 00:13:37,735
-After that.
-''l feel foolish.''
290
00:13:37,843 --> 00:13:39,071
-After that.
-''Casino's profits.''
291
00:13:39,177 --> 00:13:40,542
-Before that.
-''Everyone in the tribe.''
292
00:13:40,646 --> 00:13:43,444
-The whole thing.
-''Everyone in the tribe shares the profit?''
293
00:13:43,548 --> 00:13:44,515
That's it! Let's go!
294
00:13:45,884 --> 00:13:48,045
l'm sorry to hear about your misfortune.
295
00:13:48,153 --> 00:13:50,314
But we're not allowed
to return gambling losses.
296
00:13:50,422 --> 00:13:55,382
l think you can make an exception
in our case, Lenny. See, l'm an lndian, too.
297
00:13:55,494 --> 00:13:56,461
LENNY AND LOlS: Excuse me?
298
00:13:56,561 --> 00:13:58,222
You heard me. l'm a member of your tribe.
299
00:13:58,330 --> 00:14:00,924
And that entitles me to a share
of your wampum, kemosabe.
300
00:14:01,033 --> 00:14:05,197
Whoa. Wait a second. Not so fast.
Tell me of your history, of your past.
301
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,897
l come from a long line of you people.
302
00:14:08,273 --> 00:14:11,800
My great-grandfather's name
was Jeep Grand Cherokee.
303
00:14:13,979 --> 00:14:17,107
l mean, Chief Grand Cherokee.
He was a rainmaker.
304
00:14:17,816 --> 00:14:19,340
[Native singing]
305
00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:23,185
[Singing]
''l'm so happy doing the neutron dance
306
00:14:24,089 --> 00:14:26,148
''l'm just burning doing the neutron dance''
307
00:14:26,258 --> 00:14:28,852
And he also killed a bunch of Krauts
at Wounded Knee.
308
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,520
So are you gonna
give me back my car, or what?
309
00:14:31,630 --> 00:14:34,690
l have to confer with the council
of the elders. You wait here.
310
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,667
Are you nuts, Peter?
You'll never get away with this.
311
00:14:37,769 --> 00:14:39,532
Why not? l've fooled people before.
312
00:14:39,638 --> 00:14:41,799
You remember that time
l pretended to be gay?
313
00:14:42,307 --> 00:14:43,934
[Cheery TV music]
314
00:14:45,377 --> 00:14:47,902
There is no way
they're gonna believe you're an lndian.
315
00:14:48,113 --> 00:14:49,273
LENNY: He's an lndian.
316
00:14:49,381 --> 00:14:50,143
How do you know?
317
00:14:50,248 --> 00:14:53,012
-l can tell.
-You think everyone's an lndian.
318
00:14:53,118 --> 00:14:55,211
He could just be another moocher.
319
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:56,981
Maybe we can put him through a test.
320
00:14:57,089 --> 00:15:00,354
Like a really impossible stunt
to prove he's the real deal.
321
00:15:00,459 --> 00:15:02,620
Way to think outside the box, Frank.
322
00:15:04,229 --> 00:15:08,791
To prove you are truly a member
of our tribe, you must go on a vision quest.
323
00:15:10,335 --> 00:15:12,235
Do you know what a vision quest is?
324
00:15:12,337 --> 00:15:17,138
Of course l do. l'm an lndian.
But why don't you explain it to my wife?
325
00:15:17,242 --> 00:15:19,005
She's a little slow in the head.
326
00:15:19,111 --> 00:15:22,137
A vision quest is a sacred spiritual journey.
327
00:15:22,414 --> 00:15:25,406
Your husband must go out
in the wilderness without food or water.
328
00:15:25,517 --> 00:15:27,917
-Or shoes.
-Yeah. Or shoes.
329
00:15:28,086 --> 00:15:30,850
He must remain there
until he can communicate with nature.
330
00:15:30,956 --> 00:15:33,584
He must hear the wisdom
of the rocks and trees.
331
00:15:33,692 --> 00:15:37,128
And then his guiding spirit
must appear to him...
332
00:15:37,229 --> 00:15:39,220
...and reveal a great personal truth.
333
00:15:39,865 --> 00:15:41,560
And it's gotta be a real vision.
334
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:43,759
We're lndians.
We're gonna know if he's lying.
335
00:15:44,002 --> 00:15:45,970
[Howling ominously]
336
00:15:47,205 --> 00:15:49,173
[Laughing]
337
00:15:50,742 --> 00:15:51,709
Sucker.
338
00:15:52,110 --> 00:15:55,045
LOlS: Peter, please don't do this.
We can buy another car.
339
00:15:55,147 --> 00:15:57,843
l'll give extra piano lessons on Sundays.
340
00:15:58,049 --> 00:16:00,609
Come on.
All l gotta do is have a spiritual vision.
341
00:16:00,719 --> 00:16:02,448
l've had one before.
342
00:16:03,455 --> 00:16:06,754
Oh, my God, Brian.
There's a message in my Alpha Bits.
343
00:16:06,858 --> 00:16:08,416
lt says ''Ooooo.''
344
00:16:08,527 --> 00:16:10,188
Peter, those are Cheerios.
345
00:16:10,529 --> 00:16:12,463
You must begin your journey now.
346
00:16:12,564 --> 00:16:17,126
-Now's your chance to be alone with Dad.
-Are you nuts? l'm not attracted to Dad.
347
00:16:17,235 --> 00:16:21,171
-Tell him you don't want to be in Scouts.
-Thanks, Meg.
348
00:16:21,573 --> 00:16:22,562
Yipes.
349
00:16:22,674 --> 00:16:25,165
Dad, can l come?
350
00:16:25,277 --> 00:16:28,610
-How about it, Lenny?
-What the hey? The more the merrier.
351
00:16:28,713 --> 00:16:32,513
Now get the hell out of here, you nut,
and go have yourself a spiritual vision.
352
00:16:32,984 --> 00:16:35,509
[Mysterious instrumental music]
353
00:16:36,888 --> 00:16:38,515
Water! Thank God!
354
00:16:39,758 --> 00:16:43,216
CHRlS: Dad, l'm hungry. Are we gonna die?
PETER: Of course not.
355
00:16:43,328 --> 00:16:46,195
This isn't the first time
l found my own food in the wild.
356
00:16:46,865 --> 00:16:48,196
[Girl humming]
357
00:16:48,333 --> 00:16:49,391
[Peter shouting]
358
00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:50,559
[Girl screams]
359
00:16:50,669 --> 00:16:51,636
[Laughing]
360
00:16:51,970 --> 00:16:53,301
Dumb broad.
361
00:16:53,438 --> 00:16:54,405
[Screaming]
362
00:16:54,506 --> 00:16:55,837
[Wolf growling]
363
00:16:58,076 --> 00:17:00,237
They've been gone for over six hours.
364
00:17:00,345 --> 00:17:02,643
How long do these vision quests
usually take?
365
00:17:03,381 --> 00:17:04,780
lt varies.
366
00:17:04,883 --> 00:17:09,252
lt depends on the person's age,
and height, and sign.
367
00:17:09,421 --> 00:17:10,911
You have no idea, do you?
368
00:17:11,022 --> 00:17:13,115
Of course l.... No.
369
00:17:13,525 --> 00:17:15,459
Why would you send
my husband and son out...
370
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,393
...into the wilderness without
any food or supplies?
371
00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:20,794
Because we really like your car?
372
00:17:21,266 --> 00:17:22,426
[Lois sighs]
373
00:17:27,305 --> 00:17:28,602
They're dead, you know.
374
00:17:29,407 --> 00:17:30,374
[Wolves howling]
375
00:17:30,475 --> 00:17:33,376
Must eat. Haven't snacked in hours.
376
00:17:33,612 --> 00:17:35,603
Can't feel my eyes.
377
00:17:35,714 --> 00:17:39,650
Wonder if club-footed midgets
get justice in heaven.
378
00:17:40,252 --> 00:17:41,480
TREE 1 : Hot enough for you?
379
00:17:41,586 --> 00:17:42,575
What?
380
00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:44,416
l say, ''Hot enough for you?''
381
00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:48,515
Yeah. l guess. Oh, my God!
l'm communicating with nature!
382
00:17:49,261 --> 00:17:54,028
Tree, if one of you falls and there's
no one around, do you make a noise?
383
00:17:54,132 --> 00:17:55,895
Are you kidding? Scott fell last week.
384
00:17:56,001 --> 00:17:59,596
-He hasn't shut up about it since.
-Sure. Stand there and bitch!
385
00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:02,434
But would any of you take the time
to help me?
386
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:05,475
l'm playing
the world's smallest violin, Scott.
387
00:18:05,577 --> 00:18:07,841
FONZlE: Yo, Griffin!
388
00:18:09,014 --> 00:18:10,242
The Fonz!
389
00:18:10,415 --> 00:18:11,507
[Exclaiming]
390
00:18:11,816 --> 00:18:12,976
What are you doing here?
391
00:18:13,084 --> 00:18:15,552
Shouldn't you be in the middle
of a Tuscadero sandwich?
392
00:18:15,654 --> 00:18:18,179
Yeah. But l'm your spiritual guide, see?
393
00:18:18,290 --> 00:18:20,315
l want to lay a little personal truth on you.
394
00:18:20,425 --> 00:18:22,620
Now, Mr. C was like a father to me.
395
00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:24,854
And he always listened, you know?
396
00:18:24,963 --> 00:18:29,662
And Griffin, right now, your son needs
you to listen to him. Whoa!
397
00:18:29,768 --> 00:18:33,101
Sure. Whatever you say. Fonzie?
398
00:18:33,538 --> 00:18:37,133
There's something l always wanted
to ask you. You were with a lot of girls.
399
00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:41,372
-Did you ever get a sexual disease?
-Herpes twice. And the clap.
400
00:18:42,781 --> 00:18:44,078
[Exclaiming]
401
00:18:46,017 --> 00:18:48,542
Dad? Can l talk to you?
402
00:18:48,653 --> 00:18:50,018
Not now, son!
403
00:18:50,522 --> 00:18:51,056
Sure. Go right ahead.
404
00:18:51,056 --> 00:18:52,250
Sure. Go right ahead.
405
00:18:52,958 --> 00:18:56,325
l don't want to be a Scout, Dad.
l just don't have fun there.
406
00:18:56,428 --> 00:18:59,693
-l guess you're pretty disappointed in me.
-Yeah!
407
00:18:59,798 --> 00:19:04,064
-Dad, this is what l really like to do.
-What? You want to draw?
408
00:19:04,169 --> 00:19:07,195
Son, why don't you
just stick a knife in my heart?
409
00:19:09,174 --> 00:19:13,702
-l mean, so you drew this?
-Yeah. l know they suck.
410
00:19:13,812 --> 00:19:17,179
Not all of them.
Some of these look pretty good.
411
00:19:17,282 --> 00:19:19,045
-Really?
-Yeah!
412
00:19:19,150 --> 00:19:21,675
l didn't know anyone in this family
had any talent.
413
00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:24,220
Except for that one thing
your mother does.
414
00:19:24,322 --> 00:19:27,416
-You mean play the piano?
-No. She.... Yeah.
415
00:19:28,460 --> 00:19:31,020
l probably don't say this often enough.
416
00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:33,529
But l'm really proud of you, Chris.
417
00:19:34,399 --> 00:19:35,764
Thanks, Dad.
418
00:19:40,438 --> 00:19:43,566
[Singing] ''And the cat's in the cradle
with the silver spoon
419
00:19:43,675 --> 00:19:46,371
''little boy blue and the man in the moon
420
00:19:46,544 --> 00:19:48,910
''When you coming home, Dad?
l don't know when
421
00:19:49,014 --> 00:19:52,711
''But we'll get together then, son
You know we'll have a--''
422
00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:54,114
Oh, my God!
423
00:19:54,219 --> 00:19:55,208
TREES: Fire!
424
00:19:56,354 --> 00:19:57,981
Let's get out of here!
425
00:19:58,089 --> 00:19:59,556
TREE: Run, you stupid bastards!
426
00:20:03,294 --> 00:20:06,161
Peter? Chris? Thank God. Are you okay?
427
00:20:06,798 --> 00:20:09,028
Fantastic, Lois! l saw my guiding spirit.
428
00:20:09,134 --> 00:20:11,295
Whoa! Wait a second! You had a vision?
429
00:20:11,403 --> 00:20:14,634
lt was amazing! l spoke to the trees.
And l saw the Fonz.
430
00:20:14,739 --> 00:20:18,197
Really? What's the Fonz like?
l bet he's stuck up.
431
00:20:18,510 --> 00:20:21,877
A little. But thanks to him,
me and Chris have never been closer.
432
00:20:21,980 --> 00:20:25,381
l want a spiritual vision, too! Man!
433
00:20:25,984 --> 00:20:28,145
l guess we've lost touch
with our noble roots.
434
00:20:28,253 --> 00:20:31,416
l mean, sure this casino's brought
our tribe money and prosperity.
435
00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:35,289
-But what is the price of our souls?
-$6 million a week.
436
00:20:35,393 --> 00:20:37,918
That sounds right.
Take your crappy car back.
437
00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:40,122
Come on, boys. Let's go hit the buffet.
438
00:20:40,231 --> 00:20:42,927
All right! We did it!
Let's get the hell out of here.
439
00:20:43,034 --> 00:20:44,763
Stupid, greedy savages!
440
00:20:45,136 --> 00:20:47,798
Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say.
441
00:20:48,073 --> 00:20:50,564
This one particular tribe has lost their way.
442
00:20:50,675 --> 00:20:53,200
But most Native Americans are proud...
443
00:20:53,311 --> 00:20:57,111
...hardworking people
who are true to their spiritual heritage.
444
00:20:57,215 --> 00:20:59,479
They are certainly not savages.
445
00:21:01,086 --> 00:21:02,053
That's funny, Mother.
446
00:21:02,153 --> 00:21:06,419
Just this morning you said they were lazy
like the dirty Mexicans. Just kidding.
447
00:21:06,524 --> 00:21:10,585
The Mexicans are a clean and industrious
people with a rich cultural heritage.
448
00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:14,763
Yeah. Not like those dumb,
gargantuan Swedes.
449
00:21:14,866 --> 00:21:18,358
Actually, the Swedish people run
the gamut from very short to tall.
450
00:21:18,470 --> 00:21:22,236
And did you know that Sweden gave us
the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel?
451
00:21:23,875 --> 00:21:27,311
Yeah. Which is more than we ever got
from those freeloading Canadians.
452
00:21:29,881 --> 00:21:31,314
Canada sucks.
453
00:21:36,354 --> 00:21:38,151
[Theme music]
35157
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