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Previously on The Last Man On Earth...
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- Jasper.
- There is a little boy out there
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who's confused and freaked out.
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Have you ever been painted?
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We're going back to
my place after dinner,
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and I'm gonna paint you.
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- You're a serial killer.
- I swear I've changed.
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You got to believe me.
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I don't kill anymore.
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Jasper?
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Hi.
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Okay, let's call it a night
and hit it again tomorrow.
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00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:26,474
Hey, gals.
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00:00:26,509 --> 00:00:29,344
- Any luck finding Jasper?
- No sign.
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Then you'll be happy to know
that we did have some luck.
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Here, come with us.
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Shh. Easy.
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Easy. We don't want to scare him off.
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Ladies and gentlewomen,
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feast your eyes on... this.
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I got him.
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What the hell?
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Hi, I'm Karl.
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Blanks.
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So, yeah, this is Karl.
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Karl, this is the group.
27
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Sorry. It wasn't my idea.
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Found him on our search for Jasper,
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and that little rascal,
Todd, thought this would be
30
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a fun way to introduce him.
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I couldn't talk him out of it.
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Ugh, so Jasper is...
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- Still out in the wild? Yeah.
- Idiot.
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Don't call Karl an
idiot. He is our guest.
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Now, come on. Don't be shy.
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Karl doesn't bite. Do you, Karl?
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Nope.
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No.
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Okay, okay. I got another one.
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What's the worst thing
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a prison guard could find at a wedding?
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An open bar.
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Very fun.
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So, Karl,
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I'm still trying to figure out
how you got trapped in there.
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I mean, don't guards have all the keys?
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So many keys.
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Like, name a number of keys,
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and it would be more than that.
50
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But the main door locks,
51
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they were code-based,
52
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and I would always forget the code.
53
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So much so that they called
me The Code Forgetter.
54
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The Code Forgetter.
55
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Ugh. And I had to sit there and take it,
56
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'cause it's so true.
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Anyway, I needed a change,
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so I came down to Mexico.
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I took up painting, flamenco dancing.
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I mean, the whole nueve.
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That's, uh, Spanish for nine.
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Spanish for nine. Yeah, knew it.
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Ocho is eight.
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Yeah, life was perfect...
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and then the virus struck.
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It took my wife and her son...
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and his kids and his grandkids.
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Towards the end, it was just me
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and this one other prisoner.
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He was a serial killer.
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Killed a lot of people.
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And get this:
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he would eat them.
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- What?
- Gross.
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No.
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I mean, who would do that?
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That's sick, in my opinion,
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but, after some time,
we formed a friendship.
79
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I mean, talk about an odd couple:
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a guy who eats people,
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and a guy who keeps
people-eaters locked up.
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I, of course, being the latter.
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I feel like it's important
for me to get in there, again,
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how strongly I'm against
the use of people as food.
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Yeah, you mentioned that already.
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I was just emphasizing my point.
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They used to call me
The Point Emphasizer.
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I thought they called
you The Code Forgetter.
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- Yeah, but also The Point Emphasizer.
- Well, man,
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you must be some kind of saint,
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'cause I could never be friends
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with a psycho killer
qu'est-ce que c'est like that.
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I guess I am kind of forgiving.
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That's why they called
me The Everyone Forgiver.
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- You sure had a lot of nicknames.
- Yeah.
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They used to call me
The Nickname Accumulator.
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Anyway, look.
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I'm gonna go hit the hay.
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I honestly never thought
I'd get this chance again,
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so thank you.
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- Good night.
- Good night.
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Aw.
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What a neat guy.
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Yep. Handsome.
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Ah, wow.
106
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- Something smells delicious.
- Oh.
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Well, you must be
smelling something else,
108
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'cause it smells like hell in here.
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I-I just burned my hair on
that fricking curling iron.
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Burned my finger, too.
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Oh.
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That's what the smell was?
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Yuck. That is awful.
114
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Pee-yew. I mean, who could
possibly like a smell like that?
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Disgusting smell.
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Ah.
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I'm really glad you're here.
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Erica's birthday's coming up,
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and I wanted to get her something nice,
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and you mentioned
that you used to paint.
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I was wondering
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if you'd consider doing a portrait of me
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that I could give her?
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I don't paint anymore.
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Just a lot of bad
emotional connections to it,
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so it's a real...
talk-to-the-hand for me.
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Sorry. Sad face.
128
00:05:02,497 --> 00:05:03,596
Oh, yeah. That's cool.
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00:05:03,621 --> 00:05:05,928
I'll just get her a
candle or Lamborghini
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00:05:05,963 --> 00:05:07,931
- or something.
- You know, for a burn,
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you don't need a Band-Aid.
You just have to apply ice.
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Human flesh cooks so fast it just...
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gets a-away from you in a hurry.
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Is what I heard from my uncle,
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because he...
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worked at a burn...
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firm.
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A burn firm?
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A firm for burns.
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Anyway, ice is best.
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Okay. Well, I don't need this, then.
142
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Go get some ice, then.
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Ugh. You're not that
person anymore. Stop it.
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Oh, God. Get it together.
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You've changed.
146
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You okay, Karl?
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Oh, uh... Yeah, I was just, uh,
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overcome with emotion
for about six seconds.
149
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I'm just excited to see a piano.
150
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I actually met my wife
at a dueling piano bar.
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00:06:19,904 --> 00:06:21,103
So you play?
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Yeah. Sure.
153
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Yes. I mean, you know,
only semiprofessionally.
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Oh, wow. Would you mind
playing something for me?
155
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Uh...
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I'm a little rusty,
so no judgment, okay?
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♪ B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets ♪
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♪ Oh, but they're
weird and wonderful ♪
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♪ Oh, Bennie, she's really keen ♪
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♪ She got electric boots ♪
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♪ A mohair suit ♪
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♪ You know I read it ♪
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♪ In a magazine ♪
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♪ It's B-Bennie and the Jets ♪
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♪ Bennie, Bennie ♪
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♪ Bennie ♪
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♪ Bennie and the Jets. ♪
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Still got it.
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Excuse me.
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Oh, God. Oh.
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Hey...
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You ready to go, Melissa?
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Uh, about that...
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I'm going to propose something,
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and it's going to be unpopular.
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I doubt it. What is it, hon?
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I think we should stop
searching for Jasper.
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- What are you talking about, hon?
- Why?
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00:08:06,666 --> 00:08:09,153
Well, the last thing he needs
is us breathing down his neck.
180
00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:11,188
And that's what drove him
away in the first place.
181
00:08:11,223 --> 00:08:13,190
So, what, we just leave him out there?
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He was doing fine on his
own before we came along.
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00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:17,361
And what-what if we did
find him? Would we ground him
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for running away?
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Uh, to start.
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That worked well last time.
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00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:22,466
And then what?
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Well, we'll tell him
how much we love him.
189
00:08:24,303 --> 00:08:26,370
And how-how much it
scares us that he ran off,
190
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and that it would just kill us
if something happened to him.
191
00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:31,041
I mean, I just can't sleep
192
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knowing he's out there.
193
00:08:32,211 --> 00:08:35,079
He just can't do this to us!
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I mean, does he want me to
have another heart attack?
195
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I mean, come on, Jasper!
196
00:08:40,899 --> 00:08:42,844
That's a healthy energy
for him to come back to.
197
00:08:42,941 --> 00:08:45,071
Melissa, we can't stop looking for him.
198
00:08:45,108 --> 00:08:48,102
And I'm telling you if we want
any chance of him coming back,
199
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:50,121
we have to stop looking for him.
200
00:08:50,146 --> 00:08:52,312
Sorry, Melissa. I just can't do it.
201
00:08:52,337 --> 00:08:53,403
Yeah.
202
00:08:53,428 --> 00:08:54,460
I'm with Todd.
203
00:08:54,485 --> 00:08:55,982
Sorry, Melissa.
204
00:09:02,137 --> 00:09:03,831
Gail?
205
00:09:03,856 --> 00:09:05,809
Erica?
206
00:09:05,834 --> 00:09:07,239
Anybody?
207
00:09:15,038 --> 00:09:16,367
What's going on in here?
208
00:09:16,392 --> 00:09:17,805
Nothing.
209
00:09:18,244 --> 00:09:21,517
I was, uh... taking the trash out.
210
00:09:22,243 --> 00:09:24,494
Taking the trash out, huh?
211
00:09:27,915 --> 00:09:29,116
Why?
212
00:09:30,152 --> 00:09:32,052
Because it's full.
213
00:09:32,298 --> 00:09:33,632
Taking the trash out
214
00:09:33,657 --> 00:09:36,057
because it's full, huh?
215
00:09:36,790 --> 00:09:39,060
Yeah, taking the trash
out because it's full.
216
00:09:40,064 --> 00:09:42,275
Taking the trash out
217
00:09:42,300 --> 00:09:44,198
'cause it's full.
218
00:09:45,526 --> 00:09:47,683
Trash. Out.
219
00:09:48,038 --> 00:09:49,323
Full.
220
00:09:55,672 --> 00:09:58,212
Something's a little weird about you.
221
00:09:59,086 --> 00:10:00,796
Isn't it, partner?
222
00:10:00,821 --> 00:10:02,608
Oh, you think?
223
00:10:02,633 --> 00:10:04,252
Been trapped in a prison for six years.
224
00:10:04,287 --> 00:10:06,663
Six years, huh?
225
00:10:06,688 --> 00:10:08,956
'Cause the virus
happened four years ago.
226
00:10:08,992 --> 00:10:11,025
It, well, uh... it felt like six.
227
00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:13,876
Yeah.
228
00:10:15,821 --> 00:10:18,648
So, uh, remind me.
229
00:10:19,451 --> 00:10:21,349
What kind of "penis" are you?
230
00:10:21,374 --> 00:10:22,473
What?
231
00:10:22,498 --> 00:10:24,238
Pianist.
232
00:10:24,639 --> 00:10:28,778
What kind of "penis" are you?
233
00:10:29,449 --> 00:10:31,212
I'm semiprofessional.
234
00:10:32,269 --> 00:10:33,963
If you say so.
235
00:10:35,018 --> 00:10:38,219
Hey, have at it.
236
00:10:44,329 --> 00:10:46,900
You're out of here, trash!
237
00:10:50,977 --> 00:10:52,282
Excuse me.
238
00:11:14,798 --> 00:11:17,497
Okay, we have to talk about Karl.
239
00:11:17,522 --> 00:11:19,327
Something is up with this gal.
240
00:11:19,362 --> 00:11:22,196
I just caught him rooting
around in Gail and Erica's trash.
241
00:11:22,231 --> 00:11:25,151
He said he was taking it
out, but it was so weird.
242
00:11:25,176 --> 00:11:28,311
I felt compelled to write
down all the details.
243
00:11:30,114 --> 00:11:33,473
_
244
00:11:33,754 --> 00:11:35,447
I mean, who in their right mind
245
00:11:35,472 --> 00:11:37,178
digs through someone's stuff like that?
246
00:11:37,213 --> 00:11:39,768
Uh, you sure do. Just last week
247
00:11:39,793 --> 00:11:42,249
I caught you digging through
Erica's skivvy drawer.
248
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,848
Uh, th-that was, uh, research
249
00:11:44,873 --> 00:11:46,954
for a, uh, birthday, uh, gift.
250
00:11:46,990 --> 00:11:49,709
Yeah. Uh, and thanks
for ruining the surprise.
251
00:11:49,734 --> 00:11:50,833
Spoiler, Erica.
252
00:11:50,858 --> 00:11:52,226
You got some nice
panties coming your way.
253
00:11:52,261 --> 00:11:54,575
- Ugh.
- Okay, look, let's consider
254
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:55,896
all the evidence thus far.
255
00:11:56,213 --> 00:11:58,213
Chick has, like, ten nicknames.
256
00:11:58,238 --> 00:12:00,010
Chick said he was trapped in prison
257
00:12:00,035 --> 00:12:02,556
for six years, even
though it was only four.
258
00:12:02,581 --> 00:12:05,463
Chick claims to be a
semiprofessional pianist
259
00:12:05,488 --> 00:12:08,838
but sounds more like Liberace
taking a dump on a chalkboard.
260
00:12:08,863 --> 00:12:10,578
And, in case you forgot,
261
00:12:10,603 --> 00:12:12,242
referring you back to this.
262
00:12:12,267 --> 00:12:13,313
Sounds like he's just
263
00:12:13,338 --> 00:12:14,978
being a good housemate to me.
264
00:12:15,003 --> 00:12:16,217
Erica, my instincts tell me
265
00:12:16,285 --> 00:12:18,852
you're wrong as a dong all day long,
266
00:12:18,877 --> 00:12:20,021
and it's daylight savings.
267
00:12:20,056 --> 00:12:22,923
Well, my instincts tell me
that if you don't like him,
268
00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:25,126
that probably ensures
he's a pretty good guy.
269
00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:26,841
And what's that supposed to mean?
270
00:12:26,866 --> 00:12:29,130
It means you're a horrible
judge of character.
271
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:32,171
Oh, uh, name one character misjudgment.
272
00:12:32,507 --> 00:12:34,607
Pat. Pamela.
273
00:12:34,632 --> 00:12:36,103
Lewis. Phil.
274
00:12:36,139 --> 00:12:38,172
That's four. I said name one.
275
00:12:38,207 --> 00:12:40,174
Tandy, you tried to kill
Todd when you first met him.
276
00:12:40,209 --> 00:12:43,491
Okay, in fairness... and I think
that Todd would admit this...
277
00:12:43,516 --> 00:12:45,151
He was a real dick in the beginning.
278
00:12:45,176 --> 00:12:46,596
I mean, I hate to say it,
279
00:12:46,621 --> 00:12:48,215
Tandy, but if I remember correctly,
280
00:12:48,284 --> 00:12:52,603
you weren't too crazy
about me when we first met.
281
00:12:52,628 --> 00:12:53,830
How about this?
282
00:12:53,855 --> 00:12:55,499
Maybe just this once
283
00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:56,929
take that hunch to lunch
284
00:12:56,954 --> 00:12:58,754
and give Karl a chunce.
285
00:13:00,708 --> 00:13:02,574
Maybe you're right.
286
00:13:05,266 --> 00:13:06,501
Mmm.
287
00:13:06,526 --> 00:13:07,725
Hey, bud. What you slurping?
288
00:13:07,750 --> 00:13:09,537
Oh, uh... uh, nothing.
289
00:13:09,562 --> 00:13:11,138
Just tea. Nothing more. Nothing less.
290
00:13:11,174 --> 00:13:13,174
You certainly seem to be enjoying it.
291
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:14,975
Oh, is that a crime, now?
292
00:13:15,175 --> 00:13:17,638
Did they outlaw the enjoyment of tea?
293
00:13:17,663 --> 00:13:19,883
Maybe I missed that being locked in jail
294
00:13:19,908 --> 00:13:22,509
for four years that felt like six.
295
00:13:22,916 --> 00:13:25,019
I think we started
off on the wrong foot.
296
00:13:25,556 --> 00:13:27,118
Hey, I-I just had twins,
297
00:13:27,143 --> 00:13:29,234
and my hormones are raging,
298
00:13:29,259 --> 00:13:32,468
and my fatherhood instincts
are super engorged.
299
00:13:32,493 --> 00:13:34,061
But that's in the past.
300
00:13:34,086 --> 00:13:35,062
Yeah, and I just want to jump
301
00:13:35,098 --> 00:13:38,165
into this relationship
now and just go hog wild.
302
00:13:38,201 --> 00:13:41,102
Well, frankly, I need a little more time
303
00:13:41,170 --> 00:13:44,238
before I'm ready to let my guard down.
304
00:13:44,273 --> 00:13:45,873
Well, whenever you're ready,
305
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:48,079
you just let me know.
306
00:13:48,104 --> 00:13:49,771
Enjoy that tizzy.
307
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:50,995
Tea.
308
00:14:08,231 --> 00:14:11,065
Mmm.
309
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,272
Band-Aid tea...
310
00:14:18,705 --> 00:14:22,607
Looks like somebody
just blew their chunce.
311
00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:29,833
You're doing that all wrong.
312
00:14:29,868 --> 00:14:33,102
Oh, my God. You scared me.
313
00:14:33,138 --> 00:14:35,218
I'm doing what all wrong?
314
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:36,423
Here,
315
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:38,259
give me that old cube.
316
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:40,628
Now, get a nice big new cube.
317
00:14:40,696 --> 00:14:43,397
You want to cover the whole area.
318
00:14:50,987 --> 00:14:52,854
What's wrong?
319
00:14:52,879 --> 00:14:54,800
I'm ready to paint again...
320
00:14:54,825 --> 00:14:57,311
- if that offer still stands.
- Oh.
321
00:14:57,336 --> 00:14:59,313
Okay, yeah. Let's do it.
322
00:14:59,877 --> 00:15:01,939
- Yes.
- Clothes on or off?
323
00:15:01,964 --> 00:15:03,898
Probably keep mine on, but, um,
324
00:15:03,923 --> 00:15:05,586
I'm gonna go set up my painting area.
325
00:15:05,621 --> 00:15:08,289
- Mm-hmm.
- I like to do it in a private space,
326
00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:09,984
free from distractions.
327
00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:12,526
This way we can really
sink our teeth into it.
328
00:15:12,561 --> 00:15:14,078
That's just an expression.
329
00:15:14,103 --> 00:15:15,496
I'm dying to get started.
330
00:15:15,531 --> 00:15:17,398
Famous last words, am I right?
331
00:15:18,750 --> 00:15:20,544
How-How so?
332
00:15:21,445 --> 00:15:23,504
I'm gonna go set up the space.
333
00:15:48,721 --> 00:15:51,265
- Hey, bud.
- Hey.
334
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:54,501
Look, I know you were skeptical
about my theories on Karl,
335
00:15:54,570 --> 00:15:56,570
so I just wanted to apologize.
336
00:15:56,605 --> 00:15:59,373
And, as a token, I made you a nice meal.
337
00:15:59,408 --> 00:16:01,442
Oh, bud.
338
00:16:01,477 --> 00:16:03,510
Bon appétit.
339
00:16:03,850 --> 00:16:05,850
Are-are tho... are those Band-Aids?
340
00:16:05,875 --> 00:16:07,953
Yeah. Yeah, so, uh, dig in.
341
00:16:07,978 --> 00:16:11,038
I got you some salt, pepper,
mustard, ketchup, hot sauce.
342
00:16:11,063 --> 00:16:13,454
Uh, h-heads up, the
hot sauce might dilute
343
00:16:13,489 --> 00:16:15,255
the taste of the congealing blood.
344
00:16:15,291 --> 00:16:16,590
Tandy, I'm not gonna eat this.
345
00:16:16,659 --> 00:16:18,559
Good, more for me.
346
00:16:18,594 --> 00:16:20,371
Thank you. God,
347
00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:23,221
I cut myself earlier, and, ugh,
348
00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:25,933
it just would not stop,
so I have a ton of these.
349
00:16:25,968 --> 00:16:30,004
And, good for me, I
frigging love used Band-Aids.
350
00:16:30,039 --> 00:16:32,532
- I'm gonna go mustard.
- Don't... don't do that.
351
00:16:32,557 --> 00:16:35,211
- Tand... Oh, my goodness.
- Mmm.
352
00:16:35,685 --> 00:16:37,793
- Please, don't.
- That's O-positive.
353
00:16:37,818 --> 00:16:39,777
That's disgusting.
354
00:16:39,802 --> 00:16:42,082
Mmm.
355
00:16:42,107 --> 00:16:44,996
So, uh, if you don't mind me asking, uh,
356
00:16:45,021 --> 00:16:46,472
why don't you like eating Band-Aids?
357
00:16:46,497 --> 00:16:49,123
Because it's disgusting and weird.
358
00:16:49,192 --> 00:16:51,358
Eating Band-Aids is
disgusting and weird?
359
00:16:51,394 --> 00:16:52,899
Yeah, bud.
360
00:16:52,924 --> 00:16:55,329
Huh, well, now I'm confused,
361
00:16:55,364 --> 00:16:57,331
because I just saw the very normal
362
00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,967
and fully vouched-for Karl chewing on
363
00:17:00,002 --> 00:17:01,302
a used Band-Aid a few hours ago.
364
00:17:01,337 --> 00:17:02,937
But that's okay, right?
365
00:17:02,972 --> 00:17:05,039
Karl was chewing on a Band-Aid?
366
00:17:05,074 --> 00:17:07,374
Sure was, and I would
normally think that's crazy,
367
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:09,977
but my instincts are all out of whack,
368
00:17:10,012 --> 00:17:11,245
so I just shrugged my shoulders
369
00:17:11,314 --> 00:17:14,181
and did nothing, like y'all asked.
370
00:17:14,217 --> 00:17:16,336
Are you serious about this?
371
00:17:16,914 --> 00:17:18,327
Yahoo serious.
372
00:17:18,352 --> 00:17:19,920
Tandy, what do we do?
373
00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:21,680
Something.
374
00:17:25,428 --> 00:17:28,295
Knock, knock. You ready?
375
00:17:28,871 --> 00:17:30,763
I've never been more ready.
376
00:17:39,975 --> 00:17:41,941
It's going great so far.
377
00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:43,743
You're a natural.
378
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,597
I'm getting some real...
379
00:17:47,914 --> 00:17:51,334
Whistler's Mother
vibes from you. Uh-huh.
380
00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:53,603
Well, I would have
preferred Stifler's Mother,
381
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:55,539
but I'll take it.
382
00:17:56,724 --> 00:18:00,122
You didn't tell anyone you
were doing this, did you?
383
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:03,346
Of course not. Those
goobers can't keep a secret.
384
00:18:03,390 --> 00:18:07,038
I want this to be a surprise for Erica.
385
00:18:07,063 --> 00:18:09,178
I love surprises.
386
00:18:31,335 --> 00:18:32,935
I'll be right back.
387
00:18:34,313 --> 00:18:35,553
Hey.
388
00:18:35,578 --> 00:18:38,582
Where the hell are you going, Karl?
389
00:18:38,650 --> 00:18:41,318
Whatever.
390
00:18:41,386 --> 00:18:43,687
♪ I'm flying over you ♪
391
00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:48,492
♪ Good-bye horses ♪
392
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,295
♪ I'm flying over you... ♪
393
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,186
Well, that sucks.
394
00:18:52,211 --> 00:18:53,730
Gail, have you seen Karl?
395
00:18:53,765 --> 00:18:56,266
He's...
396
00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:58,535
Let's go.
397
00:18:59,027 --> 00:19:00,647
You've come too far.
398
00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:03,206
These people are your friends.
399
00:19:03,231 --> 00:19:05,363
There has to be another way.
400
00:19:41,792 --> 00:19:44,019
What the hell is he doing?
401
00:19:44,171 --> 00:19:46,611
I don't know, but what I do know
402
00:19:46,636 --> 00:19:50,720
is that this situation just
went from serious to grave.
403
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,632
What's the status report? Still digging?
404
00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:05,569
Like a nizzle pizzy in a dizzle stizzy.
405
00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:06,522
What?
406
00:20:06,547 --> 00:20:09,573
- A nosepicker in a dust storm.
- Oh.
407
00:20:09,968 --> 00:20:11,155
Wait, wait, wait.
408
00:20:11,180 --> 00:20:13,257
He's stopping. He's stopping.
409
00:20:13,282 --> 00:20:14,544
Give me an eye, bud.
410
00:20:14,580 --> 00:20:16,713
Yeah. You got it, bud.
411
00:20:19,695 --> 00:20:21,751
- What's he doing?
- Huh.
412
00:20:27,392 --> 00:20:29,593
- He's a fricking weirdo.
- Yeah.
413
00:20:50,226 --> 00:20:53,295
Oh... farts.
414
00:20:55,851 --> 00:20:58,851
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- www.addic7ed.com -
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