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1
00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:04,538
Look at you, dressed like
a girl. Why the change?
2
00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:06,174
Did the roller-derby team
try to recruit you again?
3
00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,841
No.
I have a date with Ben.
4
00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:09,643
You don't seem
too excited about it.
5
00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:12,046
Well, I mean,
he's really nice, and --
6
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,647
Got it.
You're bored, and so am I.
7
00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:14,982
Break up.
8
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,218
I mean, I just want to see
what else is out there.
9
00:00:17,251 --> 00:00:18,852
Does that make me
a bad person?
Oh, my God.
10
00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:20,054
Are we still
talking about this?
11
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:21,655
I solved your problem.
Today.
12
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,924
Crowded restaurant
so he doesn't make a scene.
13
00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,526
Just deep breath
and say it.
14
00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:28,996
Fantastic news!
Someone TP'd our house!
15
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,498
Halloween fun
is afoot.
16
00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,933
Dad, I really want
to be excited for you,
17
00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:34,335
but Halloween?
18
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,070
We're almost
old enough to vote.
19
00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:37,171
Aaaaaahhh!
Whoa!
20
00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,340
[ Laughs ]
Got me!
21
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:40,441
Worth it?
22
00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:42,676
Oh, what, you're too old
for a little scare?
23
00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,545
The scariest thing is you could
be a cheap pick-up line,
24
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,447
two beers, and nine months away
from being a grandparent,
25
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,416
and you just risked
asphyxiation in the fridge.
26
00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:50,451
It's not like we're taking you
trick-or-treating.
27
00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:52,686
There are grown-up ways
to enjoy Halloween.
28
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,388
How about
pumpkin-boat racing?
29
00:00:54,422 --> 00:00:56,224
Cam used to do it
in Missouri.
30
00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:57,425
Take a giant pumpkin,
31
00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:58,559
cut the top off,
32
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,761
gut it, hop in, sail away.
33
00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:01,562
Let's do it.
34
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,231
I'm so married to this idea,
35
00:01:03,264 --> 00:01:06,267
it rolls its eyes
when I make jokes in public.
36
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,402
Take notes -- This might
help you out with Ben later.
37
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,070
Mom, Dad?
38
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:11,239
You and Halloween have had
39
00:01:11,272 --> 00:01:12,406
some great times together.
40
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,041
-Mm.
-But it's over.
41
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,377
You're way too old,
and it's hard to look at.
42
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,611
Wow, it really lines up.
43
00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:18,912
I see
what's going on here.
44
00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:19,780
Thank God.
45
00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:20,914
I haven't communicated how big
46
00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:22,250
this pumpkin's gonna be.
47
00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,952
You guys know Clifford --
the Big Red Dog?
48
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:25,819
We're not doing this.
49
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:26,754
Plus, we all have dates.
50
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:27,455
But --
51
00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:29,957
I think they're past it.
52
00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:31,125
That was
kinda harsh, huh?
53
00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:32,793
Oh, honey, don't take it
too personally.
54
00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,895
Me? That was directed at you,
fridge monster.
55
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:35,663
You're the one
56
00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:37,064
who's obsessed with Halloween.
57
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,632
Honey, you were the one
who suggested
58
00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:39,633
getting a giant pumpkin
59
00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:40,968
and having us
sail away in it
60
00:01:41,001 --> 00:01:43,571
like a family
of cartoon mice.
61
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:45,439
All pumpkins
are giant to mice.
62
00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:48,409
There is no use in us arguing
over who's more obsessed
63
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,077
with a holiday
that's behind us already.
64
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,412
Way behind us.
65
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:52,746
All right.
I got to get going, honey.
66
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:53,814
Yeah,
have a good one.
67
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:54,748
-Mwah!
-Mwah!
68
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:55,749
Great.
Buh-bye.
69
00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:56,484
Mm-hmm, bye.
70
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:00,754
[ Men moaning as zombies ]
71
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,190
Change of plans,
fellas.
72
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:04,325
Hop in the car.
73
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:07,094
-- Captions by VITAC --
74
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:10,097
Captioning Provided by
20th Century Fox Television
and ABC, Inc.
75
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:13,100
and brought to you by Ford.
We go further, so you can.
76
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:16,604
**
77
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:17,938
Well, well, well.
78
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:18,839
You city folk
79
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,107
sure are late risers.
80
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:20,941
I guess your rooster
81
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:21,775
has a snooze button.
82
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:22,776
[ Chuckles ]
83
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:23,877
It's funny how you say
84
00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:24,978
the exact, same thing
85
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:27,448
every morning.
86
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:28,716
Since our contractor
took a break
87
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:29,950
from rehabbing kitchens
88
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,119
to rehab a gambling problem...
Yeah.
89
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,020
...Jay took over,
90
00:02:33,053 --> 00:02:34,288
and we've been staying here.
91
00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:35,389
It's been a lot of Dad,
92
00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:37,358
but it -- it just became
too impractical
93
00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:38,626
to continue living at home.
94
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,828
We're gonna use
another coat of varnish.
95
00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:42,830
The fumes shouldn't be
too noticeable.
96
00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:43,497
-Okay.
-Okay.
97
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,399
Oh, boy.
Lily.
98
00:02:45,433 --> 00:02:47,401
Oh, gosh!
Okay, she's down!
99
00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:49,637
It's been hard on us,
living without a kitchen.
100
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:52,005
It's been, uh, six weeks now
since it burned down.
101
00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:53,006
Since you burned it down.
102
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,475
Since I burned it down.
103
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,344
And then maliciously
made me think I did it
104
00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:58,546
and leveraged my guilt
for your own selfish gain.
105
00:02:58,579 --> 00:02:59,880
Then maliciously
made you think
106
00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:01,315
that you did it,
and leveraged --
107
00:03:01,349 --> 00:03:03,651
Honey, you got to stop
beating yourself up.
108
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:04,652
Okay.
109
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:05,519
I was going to make
110
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:06,687
Joe's oatmeal.
111
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:07,988
Do you really have to use
112
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,357
all five burners?
113
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:10,358
Well, it is called
114
00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:11,659
Five Burner Meat Pie,
115
00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,026
and it's the traditional dish
116
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:14,528
back at the Halloween festival,
117
00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:15,763
so it kinda makes me feel
118
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:16,597
like I'm there.
119
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:17,865
Mm.
120
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:18,899
No oatmeal?
121
00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:21,702
Guess I could put
my beard on now.
122
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,571
Come over here!
123
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:24,672
Ow!
124
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,341
Look, I'm sorry,
but the God I worship
125
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:30,411
does not let his roots show,
so...
126
00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:31,412
Gloria: Two weeks ago,
127
00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:33,447
we invited Mitch and Cam
to stay here.
128
00:03:33,481 --> 00:03:34,915
You invited them.
129
00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:36,550
[ Sighs ]
It's been hard on us,
130
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,686
but it's part of our
Colombian heritage...
131
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,053
Your heritage.
132
00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:41,355
...to welcome family
133
00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:43,257
and to never
kick them out,
134
00:03:43,291 --> 00:03:46,560
even when they might have
some boundary issues.
135
00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:48,562
I'm heading back
to the job site.
136
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,197
Gonna let
the guys knock off
137
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,766
for a little
liqu-or-treating.
138
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,202
Well, that is how
you manage...
139
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,637
[quietly] ...to stretch a job
until Christmas.
140
00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:58,071
Okay, you need
to go over there,
141
00:03:58,105 --> 00:03:59,573
find out how long
this is gonna take.
142
00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:01,208
I want
my kitchen back.
143
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:02,710
Okay, uh, Dad?
144
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,612
W-We appreciate
all your hard work,
145
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,814
but we're running
a little past schedule.
146
00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:08,248
The job is done
when the job is done.
147
00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:09,249
You want it faster,
148
00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:11,118
next time,
burn down a bookshelf.
149
00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:12,886
Well, clearly, he doesn't
know what he's doing
150
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:13,887
and he's too proud
to admit it.
151
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:14,988
[ Quietly ]
I know. I know.
152
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:18,726
[ Quietly ] My breakfast
is a LUNA Bar for women.
153
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,093
Do something.
154
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:22,396
[ Quietly ] They're family.
What do you want me to do?
155
00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:23,664
You need to fire
your father.
156
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,132
Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.
157
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:26,834
Mitchell.
I swear to God.
158
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:29,269
Promise me
you'll get rid of them.
159
00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:30,338
Okay.
160
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,072
Make me believe it.
161
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,741
I swear to you.
162
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,275
Haley:
I didn't have a date with a guy,
163
00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:37,345
but rather a date with Destiny.
164
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,079
Destiny was the name
of the casting director
165
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,280
I was auditioning for.
166
00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:42,316
I saw an ad for backup singers
on a cruise ship,
167
00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:43,751
and I knew it was fate.
168
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:46,119
I have a killer voice,
I love karaoke,
169
00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:48,422
and I'm great
at partying on boats.
170
00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:49,523
Haley Dunphy?
171
00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:51,291
Ahoy!
172
00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:52,426
I speak "ship."
173
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:53,994
Bon voyage, mateys.
174
00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:55,162
I crushed it.
175
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:57,431
I even crushed
the modesty after.
176
00:04:57,465 --> 00:05:00,968
"No, thank you
for the chance to sing."
177
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,104
Beth and Jessica...
178
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,473
Bye.
...you guys stay.
179
00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:06,974
Haley,
we'll be in touch.
180
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,175
[ Beth and Jessica chuckling ]
181
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:09,677
I had a good feeling
about you two
182
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:11,779
when I found out you were
fellow Kappa sisters.
183
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:12,980
Wait.
184
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,682
You're all
in the same sorority?
185
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:16,784
Only the best sorority.
186
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,285
Together:
Kappa Kappa Theta!
187
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,120
Ooh, I wanna take ya --
Okay, okay.
188
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,390
This is why everyone hates
college graduates.
189
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:23,891
I will walk out
that door,
190
00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:26,026
but at least show me
enough respect to admit
191
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:28,328
that this decision had
nothing to do with talent.
192
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:30,464
Because everyone knows
that I was the best.
193
00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:32,299
Well,
that took a lot of guts.
194
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,401
Come with me.
195
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:35,335
Let's take a second look
at your audition.
196
00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:38,138
Haley:
* To hold me, to scold me
197
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:42,309
'* Cause when I'm bad,
I'm so, so bad *
198
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,644
See?
I'm fantastic.
199
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:44,878
Mm.
Keep watching.
200
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:48,682
* So let's dance,
the last dance *
201
00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:51,652
* Let's dance,
the last dance *
202
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:52,553
Okay.
I've seen enough.
203
00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:53,587
Oh, no, no, no.
204
00:05:53,621 --> 00:05:54,988
I had to sit through
this whole thing.
205
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,223
You will, too.
206
00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:57,825
[ "Last Dance" instrumental
playing ]
207
00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,860
You got to remember,
this was the '60s.
208
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:02,496
Competition in the closet game
was fierce,
209
00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:04,665
everybody chasing after
the next big storage idea.
210
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:07,535
Historians remember this period
as the "space race."
[ Door opens ]
211
00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:08,402
Oh, Mitchell.
212
00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:09,403
Uh, Dad?
213
00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:10,771
Uh, I would like
to see the kitchen.
214
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:13,006
I'd like to think that drinking
beer makes my hair grow back,
215
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,007
but life ain't fair.
216
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,776
Okay, uh,
then w-we need to talk.
217
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:16,944
You guys want
to take it outside?
218
00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,746
I need a couple minutes
with El Rojo.
219
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:19,947
Mm-hmm.
220
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,749
Rojo means "red."
221
00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:23,016
Yeah.
222
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,018
I put things together quickly,
unlike your workers,
223
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,420
which is,
uh, why I'm here.
[ Door closes ]
224
00:06:26,454 --> 00:06:27,688
Um, Dad, if this is
too much for you --
225
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:28,856
Now, wait a second.
226
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,190
You're not here to fire me,
are you?
227
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:31,024
What? No.
228
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,092
Pfft!
That's a strong word.
229
00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:34,027
I've done enough axing
in my time
230
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,195
to recognize the look.
231
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,196
Just do it.
232
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,364
See, now,
I was -- I was hoping
233
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:38,632
this would be more
of a conversation.
234
00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:40,534
Never been much
for confrontation.
235
00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:43,403
You weren't engaged to a woman
six months in law school
236
00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:45,238
because you were good
at dropping the hammer.
237
00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:46,740
Didn't you guys
get a cat together?
238
00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:48,041
Okay, you know?
Y-Y-Yes!
239
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:49,209
You're fired!
Okay?
240
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:50,878
You're an incompetent
man-diva.
241
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:51,945
The only thing
you've ever built
242
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:54,381
is a closet --
i.e. a box of air.
243
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:55,649
So get out,
244
00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:56,650
and don't let the door
hit you
245
00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:59,252
on your ample behind.
246
00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:01,121
[ Smacks lips ]
247
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:02,155
Nicely done.
248
00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,458
Maybe an unnecessary shot
at closets,
249
00:07:04,492 --> 00:07:07,094
particularly from someone
who was in one for 22 years,
250
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:08,095
but...
Mm.
251
00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:08,996
Yeah, I get it.
252
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:10,097
[ Light rattle ]
253
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,398
I'll just grab
my stuff.
254
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,500
[ Grunts ]
255
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,770
Oh, my God.
Dad, it's -- it's done!
256
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:18,806
Yep.
Well, why didn't you
say something?
257
00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:20,073
Well, I saw you
marching in here,
258
00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:21,108
loaded for bear.
259
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,275
You don't usually
go off on people,
260
00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:23,477
so I thought
it'd be good for you.
261
00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,012
How'd it feel?
I didn't love it.
262
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,413
But this kitchen
is amazing.
263
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,748
I only got
one more thing to do.
264
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,683
I've got to seal glass
in the door and hang it.
265
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:31,151
Now, you want to go
with the stain
266
00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:32,753
or the clear pane
Cam picked?
267
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:33,921
Hmm.
You know what?
268
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,623
I-I bought this
at a flea market.
269
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:36,924
They're not sure
of the origin.
270
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,459
It either came from
a 17th-century Flemish cathedral
271
00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:41,028
that collapsed
in an earthquake
272
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,996
or a high-school production
of "Nunsense."
273
00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:44,031
Oh, I do love this.
274
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:46,099
Should -- Should I ask Cam
if it's okay?
275
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,434
You almost just fired
your dad.
276
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,969
You're not gonna go shy on me
on this --
277
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:49,970
You know what?
278
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:51,104
You're right.
279
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,372
It's this glass.
280
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:53,473
That's it.
Hey?
281
00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:55,543
You want to help me
finish this off,
282
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:56,443
just the two of us?
283
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,611
You know what?
284
00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:59,346
Yes.
Yeah, I-I would.
285
00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:01,815
Let me just strap on
this bad boy.
286
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:03,316
[ Tools clanking ]
287
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:07,120
So, all the tools
have been laid out.
288
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,021
What next?
289
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:12,993
-Phil.
-Hey, Carol.
290
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,828
I just found out my kids
did this to your yard,
291
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:16,530
and we are so sorry.
292
00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:18,131
Don't be.
It's Halloween.
293
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:20,968
It's one of the four biggest
prank days of the year.
294
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,369
It's this,
April Fools' Day,
295
00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,004
and the day before
April Fools' Day,
296
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,472
'cause no one
sees it coming.
297
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:26,473
What's the fourth?
298
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,975
Nice try, Carol.
299
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,076
The point is,
300
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:30,243
you're gonna wake up
one morning
301
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:32,312
and find out that your kids
don't TP anymore.
302
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:35,348
Cherish these days with
your adorable little vandals.
303
00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:36,884
Well, I appreciate
the understanding,
304
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:38,652
but I'm trying
to teach them a lesson.
305
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:39,753
Oh, I'm gonna teach them
a lesson,
306
00:08:39,787 --> 00:08:41,321
'cause it's payback time.
307
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,323
Pranks wars have begun.
308
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,057
[ Both cheering ]
309
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:45,092
-Yes!
-[ Laughs ]
310
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,259
[ Chuckles awkwardly ]
Okay, kids.
311
00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:47,895
I think Mr. Dunphy
has better things to do
312
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:49,563
than spend his day
in a prank war with you.
313
00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:52,432
Good news, boys.
I don't.
314
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:53,667
Okay.
315
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,335
Gloria: We cannot take you
trick-or-treating
316
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:58,071
if you don't finish
your homework.
317
00:08:58,105 --> 00:09:01,675
Didn't you two have something
you wanted to talk about?
318
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,844
Um, so, Cam...
319
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,245
I'm trying to get Wi-Fi
320
00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,380
so I can watch
the pumpkin weigh-in
321
00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:08,682
at the Halloween festival
back home.
322
00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:09,850
You know,
25 years ago,
323
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,351
I raised the largest
Wichita Thumper,
324
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,586
and the record
still stands.
325
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:13,921
I am so sorry.
326
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:16,289
There's no way to say that
that doesn't sound braggy.
327
00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:18,291
No, no,
you just did fine.
328
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,527
Um, but I just wanted
to say to you --
329
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,096
You know, as with every pumpkin,
there's a story.
330
00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:25,365
It was a cold,
bitter night,
331
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,434
when tap-tap-tap
on the window.
332
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:30,437
Darn if it wasn't
the vine of my pumpkin,
333
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:32,039
just out there
trembling away.
334
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:33,707
That is a great story.
335
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:35,408
Next thing I know,
Daddy's pulling the pumpkin
336
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:37,544
through the window,
careful, of course,
not to break the vine.
337
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,280
And for months, it just became
a part of our household --
338
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,616
people stepping over it
to get into the kitchen,
339
00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:43,583
blocked half the TV.
340
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:45,052
We thought
"The Brady Bunch"
341
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,720
was just about
three lovely girls.
342
00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:47,821
[ Chuckles ]
343
00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:49,556
Oh, but nobody
complained.
344
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,458
Sure,
I won Grand Champion,
345
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,560
you know, and the right
to name the next tornado.
346
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,729
But the thing
I remember most
347
00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:57,230
are the sacrifices
348
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,331
[voice breaking]
my family made
349
00:09:58,365 --> 00:09:59,933
for just me.
350
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:02,135
That's how we do family
where I'm from.
351
00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:03,403
[ Inhales sharply ]
352
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,739
That's how we do family
where I am from!
353
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:06,740
-Oh, Gloria!
-Mmm!
354
00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:08,241
I got to get this Wi-Fi.
355
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:09,677
[ Sighs ]
356
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:13,413
You saw that,
didn't you?
357
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,415
I see everything.
358
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:16,917
[ Car door closes ]
In 10 minutes,
359
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,185
you're gonna
storm the office,
360
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:19,419
everybody freaks out,
361
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,755
I go Wonder Woman,
fight off the zombies.
362
00:10:21,789 --> 00:10:22,756
Got it.
Okay.
363
00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:24,191
My kids may be over it,
364
00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:27,494
but at the office,
they love Halloween Claire.
365
00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:28,528
It's one of the perks
366
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:29,930
of working
at Pritchett's Closets.
367
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:33,033
Sure, you got to pitch in
for coffee the rest of the year,
368
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:36,636
but on October 31st,
the show is free.
369
00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:38,271
Hey.
Ah.
370
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:39,973
Everyone's on their way here
to a meeting.
371
00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:40,874
Great.
372
00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:43,276
Oh, so,
no costume this year?
373
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,345
Apparently not.
374
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:46,346
Oh, good call.
375
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:48,281
Everyone was
so sick of it.
376
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,482
The pressure
to dress up!
377
00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:51,284
You know, they begged me
to talk to you,
378
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,153
but I said,
"No, Claire will realize
379
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:54,688
how miserable
everybody is."
380
00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:57,124
So no-nobody --
I vant
to drink your --
381
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,525
We don't have
to do it anymore.
382
00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:00,127
Oh, thank God!
383
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,829
You know, I cried in the mirror
this morning?
384
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:02,830
[ Employees moaning ]
385
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,364
Guys, everybody.
It's over.
386
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:06,299
The whole thing's finally over.
No worries.
387
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,300
[ Employees murmur in relief ]
388
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:08,802
Oh. Yeah.
389
00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,237
I'm just gonna need
a quick second.
390
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:11,471
[ Moans as zombie ]
No, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
391
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,140
-Sorry.
-Go.
392
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,075
So, if you could just,
393
00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:17,544
uh, take your attention
to the screen, please.
394
00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:21,081
And...
for the market research --
395
00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:22,382
[ Moans as zombie ]
Please.
Nobody wants this.
396
00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:24,885
Oh, she's surprising us.
397
00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:26,486
It's a zombie attack.
398
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:27,654
[ Forced cheering ]
Yay.
399
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:32,592
Oh, but it's Wonder Woman
to the rescue, yeah.
400
00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:34,494
[ Moaning as zombie ]
Wonder Woman, help me.
401
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,329
Okay, fun's over.
402
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,265
Come on.
Everybody --
403
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:39,699
[ Moans loudly ]
Oh!
404
00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:40,700
Okay!
All right!
405
00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:41,835
Here!
Take it! Take it!
406
00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:44,237
Ow, God!
I am so sorry!
407
00:11:44,271 --> 00:11:45,705
Haley:
You're home early.
408
00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:48,108
I was into this awesome girl,
Abby, from the club.
409
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:50,543
And tonight, we were gonna take
things to the next level,
410
00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:52,212
which is, you know, sex.
411
00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:53,847
Always classy
to name it.
412
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:55,615
But the one problem
is she's super jealous
413
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,284
and got this idea
I was messing around
414
00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:59,352
with Carla
from the snack bar.
415
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:00,720
Which I was.
416
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:02,589
So I had to break it off
with Carla
417
00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:03,690
before seeing Abby.
418
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:04,624
How'd it go?
419
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:07,060
I got a major
tong lashing.
420
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:08,195
[ Grunting ]
Ow!
421
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:08,896
Ow! What the heck?
422
00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:10,197
Whoa! Hey!
423
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,431
Carla, calm down!
Wait -- Oh!
424
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:12,365
Wait, wait,
I can explain!
425
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:14,367
I can explain!
Somebody help!
426
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,103
Luke: So I covered up
my bruises
427
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:18,438
and checked for any
snack-bar-related evidence
428
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:19,406
before seeing Abby.
429
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:20,874
Sorry I'm late.
430
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:23,210
I got whiplash
passing a picture of you.
431
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:26,379
Things couldn't have been
going any better...
432
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:28,581
My dad
is going to hate you.
433
00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:31,384
...and then
they got better.
434
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,552
Until...
435
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:33,720
Mustard?
436
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:34,888
You hate mustard.
437
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:37,224
You son of a bitch!
You were with Carla!
438
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,992
I knew there was
one perfect thing
439
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:40,127
I could say to save it.
440
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,462
Baby,
I just snack with her.
441
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:43,596
You're the main course.
442
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:44,898
[ Scoffs ]
443
00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:47,067
I did not come up
with that thing.
444
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,101
[ Hammering ]
445
00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:49,970
All right.
446
00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:50,670
Ahh!
447
00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:51,738
Looks good.
448
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:52,940
You know,
I helped build that.
449
00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:54,441
I-I feel like
a real construction guy.
450
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:56,309
I kinda wish
a woman would walk by
451
00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:57,510
so I could objectify her.
452
00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:58,745
It's the best.
453
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,247
Listen, we just finished
the project.
454
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,249
Now, come on. Take a victory lap
with your old man.
455
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,017
Oh.
I'd love to.
456
00:13:04,051 --> 00:13:05,252
Hey, and I defy Cam
457
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,753
to find anything wrong
with that window.
458
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:10,157
It really gives your kitchen
some flair.
459
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,860
Oh, hey, Gloria.
[ Gasps, screams ]
460
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,694
I finally found
a great spot for the Wi-Fi
461
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,463
just in time
for the pumpkin weigh-in.
462
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:19,632
You sit here
while I take a bath?!
463
00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:21,268
I'm gay?
Hello?
464
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,303
I'm more fixated
on that fabulous robe.
465
00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:25,372
I am so borrowing that
for my next bath.
466
00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:27,107
You didn't drain the water yet,
did you?
467
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,175
Okay, that's it!
468
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,010
I can't handle you
anymore!
469
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:31,211
You take
over my kitchen!
470
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:33,446
I turn around,
and you're in my face!
471
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,016
Siamese twins have
more privacy than me!
472
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:38,185
Get out of my house,
and never come back!
473
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:40,287
[ Cellphone dings ]
474
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,721
Hm.
475
00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:43,390
Well,
the kitchen's done.
476
00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:45,658
So I guess
I can move back home.
477
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:48,695
He couldn't have sent you
that message
478
00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,030
one minute ago?
479
00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:51,364
It's okay, Gloria.
[ Cheering over cellphone ]
480
00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:53,400
It's better that I know
how you actually feel.
481
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:55,535
Oh.
482
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:57,137
Well, there seems to be
a lot of hubbub
483
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,139
on the dais
at pump' fest.
484
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,074
Why are they gathering
all the living mayors?
485
00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:02,475
Announcer:
It's official.
486
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:05,578
Ms. Darla Bowater has shattered
the old pumpkin record.
487
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,047
[ Cheering continues ]
488
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,048
Okay.
[ Cheering stops ]
489
00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:08,982
I'm sure
you'll understand,
490
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,150
under these
circumstances,
491
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,319
I'll just quickly gather
my things, take that bath,
492
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:16,323
and...be on my way.
493
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,058
[ Code box beeps ]
Carol: Who is it?
494
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:20,727
[ Low-pitched voice ]
Special delivery from UPS.
495
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,096
Phil: [ Normal voice ]
United Prank Service.
496
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,764
I went to the history books
for this one,
497
00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:26,666
all the way back to
the first practical joke --
498
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:27,867
the Trojan Horse.
499
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:30,270
Only I swapped out silly string
for broad swords
500
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,005
and laughter for murder.
501
00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:34,074
Carol: Okay.
502
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:36,109
You guys want to prank?
503
00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:37,110
Let's prank.
504
00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:38,711
[ Buzzer, gates creak ]
505
00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:41,248
Oh, no.
506
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:42,082
[ Crash ]
507
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,416
Oh, no!
508
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,518
[ Wood crackling ]
509
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,287
No!
510
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,923
Nooooo!
511
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,925
No!
Oh!
512
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:53,626
[ Breathing heavily ]
513
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:56,763
[ Grunts ]
514
00:14:56,796 --> 00:15:00,867
They just put some toilet paper
in your yard.
515
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,802
Why would he do this
to us, Mother?
516
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:04,204
It was an accident!
517
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,940
[ Sobbing ] Where's Fluffy?!
I can't find Fluffy!
518
00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:09,042
Don't worry!
I'll help you find her!
519
00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:10,543
[ Silly string hisses ]
My eye!
520
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,279
Go in the house!
Go in the house!
521
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:17,484
Oh, why do I feel
so energized?
522
00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:19,486
Because you honored your
primal male instinct to build.
523
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:21,488
Yeah.
Where once
lay barren fields,
524
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:24,591
because of men like us,
now gleaming cities stand.
525
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:26,426
And what is a city,
but --
526
00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:29,296
A closet
for civilization.
527
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:32,299
This is the proudest
damn moment of my life.
Ah.
528
00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:33,800
[ Siren wailing ]
529
00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:34,901
Oof.
530
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,137
That brings back
painful memories.
531
00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:38,471
[ Wailing continues ]
532
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:41,574
Huh, seems to be turning
down our street.
533
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,510
[ Police radio chatter ]
Well,
what do you know?
534
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:46,846
This crystal in the middle
acted like a magnifying glass.
535
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:47,914
Mr. Pritchett...
Yeah.
536
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,816
...this is the second time
in two months.
537
00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:51,151
We love
that you're a fan,
538
00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:53,453
but maybe you should
just buy a calendar.
539
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,522
I'm sorry, Mitch.
I feel really bad.
540
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:57,257
Do you think maybe
you could tell Cam?
541
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:59,326
Oh, I don't work here
anymore.
542
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:06,699
Phil?
Honey?
543
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:07,767
Claire.
544
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,869
There's no sense
in hiding it.
545
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:12,039
[ Car door closes ]
I did buy
a giant pumpkin.
546
00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:13,840
I puzzled that one out.
547
00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,342
You're right.
548
00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:17,177
I'm a Halloween-obsessed
child-man.
549
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,611
Do you want
to feel better?
550
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:20,047
I took zombies
to work, okay?
551
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,115
And it died so hard.
552
00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:24,384
Oh, my God,
to be pitied by Margaret...
553
00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:26,219
I guess
the kids are right.
[ Sighs ]
554
00:16:26,253 --> 00:16:28,055
It's time for us to start
acting like adults.
555
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:30,890
We can have dinner parties,
see plays, open IRAs.
556
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,292
We have IRAs, right?
557
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,027
Rude awakening, Claire.
558
00:16:34,061 --> 00:16:35,795
You think you're
the fun-loving dad,
559
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:39,232
putting smiles on faces,
keeping childhood alive.
560
00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,068
Turns out you're just
the weird guy
561
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:43,203
barreling down a driveway
in a pumpkin-tank.
562
00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:47,240
Phil, I command you to stop
speaking like that.
563
00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:49,209
Please let me have my feelings
for one second.
564
00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:51,311
No, come on, turn around.
Seriously. It's good.
565
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,246
Wonder Woman?
566
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,982
Yes!
And I have plans for you!
567
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,551
Who cares
what anybody thinks?
568
00:16:58,585 --> 00:17:00,653
Screw the kids.
Screw everybody at work.
569
00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:03,390
We'll give up Halloween
when we are good and ready.
570
00:17:03,423 --> 00:17:05,225
Who are you guys
supposed to be?
571
00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,060
Who your parents
wish they were.
572
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:10,830
Alex: Ending things with Ben
did not go well.
573
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:11,864
He kept giving me
openings,
574
00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:13,500
and I just couldn't
pull the trigger.
575
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,668
Why do I keep eating
this stale bread?
576
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:16,603
Do you ever do that?
577
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:17,737
Like, you know
something's bad,
578
00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:19,038
but you just keep
going in for more
579
00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:20,573
'cause it's the only thing
in front of you?
580
00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:21,674
Mm-hmm.
581
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,543
Uh, hey, this is gonna sound
really gross,
582
00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:25,011
but I have a Band-Aid
on my hand,
583
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,614
it's on a super-hairy spot,
and I know it's gonna sting.
584
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:29,549
Would you take it off
for me, please?
585
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:30,250
And do it fast.
586
00:17:30,283 --> 00:17:31,184
If I'm gonna be hurt,
587
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,319
I just want
to get it over with.
588
00:17:34,087 --> 00:17:35,255
I want to break up.
Ow!
589
00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:36,689
Whew!
590
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:37,690
Ready to order?
591
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,759
Uh, did you not just hear
what I said?
592
00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:41,428
No. What?
593
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:42,929
I want to break up.
Ah-choo!
594
00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:44,131
Whew!
595
00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:45,798
So, I'm thinking
nachos.
596
00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:46,699
What about you?
597
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:47,734
Oh, my God!
598
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,402
I'm breaking up
with you!
599
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:50,437
What?
600
00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:51,638
[ Sighs ]
I'm so sorry.
601
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:54,073
It's been really great,
but now it's over.
602
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:56,143
Please don't
make a scene.
603
00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:57,544
I mean, I'm sad,
but I get it.
604
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,779
We're in different phases
of our lives,
605
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,649
and you live
an hour away from me now,
606
00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:03,950
and I made out
with my ex
607
00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:05,885
last weekend
at the closet convention,
608
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,120
so how committed am I?
609
00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:09,656
Plus that tension between
you and Muh-ma -- Oy.
610
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:10,957
You cheated on me?!
611
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:12,225
We were drunk, okay?
612
00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:13,726
And she was really upset
613
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,962
'cause she had to drop
her daughter off at college.
614
00:18:15,995 --> 00:18:16,796
[ Thuds ]
615
00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:17,997
You suck!
616
00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:20,167
To think
I wasted so much time
617
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,635
on such a weepy, clingy,
Pez-eating snore!
618
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:25,672
I can't believe I sat there
and pretended to be a doll
619
00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:27,240
as you brushed my hair!
620
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:28,441
[ Crowd murmuring ]
621
00:18:28,475 --> 00:18:31,478
You are almost the worst
boyfriend I have ever had!
622
00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:34,314
Okay, Alex wins
most embarrassing day.
623
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:35,815
[ Cellphone chimes ]
624
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,850
[ Chuckles ]
Not so fast.
625
00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:40,253
Look at these two
ding dongs.
626
00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:43,456
Is that Mom and Dad
in a giant "punkin"?
627
00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:46,092
Well, at least we didn't get
dragged into it this time.
628
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,294
Thank God.
629
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:50,129
[ Scoffs ] Yep.
Because we got stuff goin' on.
630
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:52,432
[ All chuckle ]
631
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,601
[ Sighs ]
632
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,969
Cam...
633
00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:58,838
I'm sure
that there were better ways
634
00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:01,441
for me to say
what I said.
635
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,343
You're packing
my face creams.
636
00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:04,611
No need to apologize.
637
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,479
I know
I crossed boundaries.
638
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:07,647
It's how I grew up.
639
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,316
Nobody had secrets
from anybody.
640
00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:11,284
At high-school parties,
we just played Dare.
641
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:12,485
I know the feeling.
642
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:13,953
I grew up
in a small town myself.
643
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,855
We had to
bring in a stranger
644
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:18,991
so that the children
could learn who not to talk to.
645
00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:20,393
You know,
I have to say,
646
00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:22,462
sometimes your hometown stories
sound a little made-up.
647
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,030
I am sorry
that I was mean,
648
00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:25,232
and I am sorry
649
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:27,834
that you don't have
the biggest pumpkin anymore.
650
00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:30,870
It's not even about
having the record anymore.
651
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:33,706
I-It's just how I kept
the small town alive in me.
652
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:35,342
Probably dumb.
No.
653
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:38,478
It's hard when you have to leave
a place you love.
654
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:41,581
Every year, it feels like
more of it fades away.
655
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,750
I get very sad
because I know
656
00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:47,654
that my accent
is almost completely gone.
657
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,489
Anyway,
I-I should go.
658
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:51,358
Wait.
I have something for you.
659
00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:56,329
A pumpkin seed?
[ Chuckles ]
660
00:19:56,363 --> 00:20:00,032
I think it can be
next year's record-breaker.
661
00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:01,934
Oh, my...
Gloria...
662
00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:03,002
[ Chuckles ]
663
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,070
Okay!
664
00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:05,838
-All right, all right!
-Oh, my gosh!
665
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:07,073
Oh, my God!
666
00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:09,175
We're floating
in a vegetable!
667
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,343
In a giant vegetable!
668
00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:11,678
[ Laughs ]
669
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,046
Phil: As families get older,
you have two options --
670
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:15,748
you can force everyone together,
671
00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:18,084
or you can accept
that traditions die
672
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:19,919
and people move on.
673
00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:23,356
Unless you happen to have
a giant pumpkin.
674
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,525
Hey! What are you guys
doing here?
675
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:26,626
We got the hint.
676
00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:28,361
It wasn't gonna be fun
unless we were here, too,
677
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:29,696
so we tracked
your phones.
678
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:30,963
Cam says the record
679
00:20:30,997 --> 00:20:33,600
for the North American 50-yard
pumpkin dash is 18 seconds.
680
00:20:33,633 --> 00:20:35,468
I think
we can do it!
Oh, I know
we can do it!
681
00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:36,469
Time us!
Let's do it!
682
00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:37,570
Alex: Okay!
Haley: Okay!
683
00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:40,707
You can do it!
Beat that 18 seconds!
684
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:41,974
[ Indistinct shouting ]
You're so close!
685
00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:43,643
[ Shouting continues ]
686
00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:45,478
Whoo!
687
00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:46,546
Wait!
There -- row it there!
688
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,381
Okay. Did we do it?
Was that 18 seconds?
689
00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:49,716
5 minutes.
690
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:50,783
Still close!
691
00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:57,223
All right,
here's what happened --
692
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,426
right after you sent the text
saying the kitchen was done,
693
00:20:59,459 --> 00:21:01,461
the inspector popped in
for a little surprise visit,
694
00:21:01,494 --> 00:21:02,895
nails us
with four violations,
695
00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:04,631
which pushes us back
for a couple of weeks now.
696
00:21:04,664 --> 00:21:05,798
Blame me.
697
00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:07,634
I can take the hit
from Cam.
698
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:08,801
You stay with Claire
699
00:21:08,835 --> 00:21:10,770
'cause I can't take the hit
from Gloria.
700
00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:12,739
Right.
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup!
701
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:15,107
Not a word.
I do all the talking.
702
00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:16,108
Because you're
a terrible liar.
703
00:21:16,142 --> 00:21:18,177
Hey.
There you are.
704
00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:19,746
Good day?
Mm-hmm.
705
00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,280
Mm-hmm? What -- What's that
supposed to mean?
706
00:21:21,314 --> 00:21:22,615
You only say that
when you're guilty.
707
00:21:22,649 --> 00:21:23,816
[ Sniffs ]
You smell like smoke.
708
00:21:23,850 --> 00:21:25,485
Oh, my God, did you
burn the kitchen down again?
709
00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:28,321
It's like you don't want me
to help you!
46681
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