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1
00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:48,360
I can't say the service
was up to scratch.
2
00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:51,160
It smacked of the conveyor belt.
3
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:54,000
In fact, I wrote to the crematorium.
4
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,920
I said, "I thought the hallmark
of a ceremony
5
00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:59,000
"of that nature was reverence,
6
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:02,160
"whereas the word that kept
coming into my mind was brisk."
7
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:06,760
"Moreover," I added, "grief-stricken
people do not expect to emerge
8
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:09,120
"from the Chapel of Rest
to find grown men
9
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:12,240
"skulking in the rhododendrons
with tab ends in their mouths."
10
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:17,200
If the hearse drivers must smoke,
then facilities should be provided.
11
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,200
I'd heard good reports
of this crematorium,
12
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:22,000
but I hoped that they would agree
with me that, on this occasion,
13
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,160
it had let itself down.
14
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,560
Of course, if I'd happened
to be heartbroken,
15
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,240
I'd have felt much worse.
16
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:31,840
I didn't let on to the crematorium
17
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:33,640
cos I thought it might
get them off the hook,
18
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:36,480
but I actually didn't know her
all that well.
19
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:41,400
I used to see her getting on the 37
and we'd pass the time of day.
20
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,960
She lost her mother round
about the time I lost mine.
21
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:48,960
She had a niece in Australia,
and I have the one cousin in Canada.
22
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,440
And then she went in
for gas-fired central heating
23
00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,080
just a few weeks before I did,
24
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:57,360
so one way or another, we'd covered
a lot of the same ground.
25
00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:01,240
I'd spent years thinking
she was called Hammersley,
26
00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:05,560
which was way off the mark cos
her name turns out to be Pringle.
27
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,040
There was a picture of her
in the Evening Post -
28
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,520
for which she'd been
a big voluntary worker -
29
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:14,240
with details of the funeral
on the Wednesday afternoon,
30
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:17,760
which is the one time
I'm dangling my feet a bit,
31
00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:21,320
so I thought I'd get out
my little maroon coat
32
00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,040
and put in an appearance.
33
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,320
At least it's an outing.
34
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,200
And I was glad I'd gone,
but, as I say,
35
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,280
the ceremony was a bit lacklustre
36
00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:34,360
and topped off
by these young fellas smoking,
37
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:37,680
so I thought the least
I could do was write.
38
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:45,800
Anyway, I got a charming letter back
from the director of operations,
39
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:47,280
a Mr Widdop.
40
00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:50,240
He said he was most grateful
41
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,520
that I'd drawn this matter
to his attention,
42
00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:55,240
and, while he was aware
the practice sometimes went on,
43
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,920
if he personally caught
anybody smoking,
44
00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:01,080
he would jump on the culprits
with both feet.
45
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:02,640
He knew I would appreciate
46
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,320
that discipline
within the chapel precincts
47
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,200
presented special problems,
48
00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:09,840
as it wasn't always convenient
to tear a strip off somebody
49
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:12,440
when there were grief-stricken
people knocking about.
50
00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:17,560
What he personally preferred to do
was to keep a low profile
51
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,240
and then come down on the offenders
like a tonne of bricks
52
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:22,760
once the coast was clear.
53
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:26,720
And with regard to my remarks
about facilities,
54
00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:30,120
they had no plans to provide
a smoking area in the Chapel of Rest
55
00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:31,640
in the foreseeable future,
56
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:35,200
as I must understand
that space was at a premium,
57
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:38,080
and top of their list of priorities
at the present moment
58
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:40,480
was the provision
of a temporary temple
59
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:43,240
for the use of racial minorities.
60
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:51,920
However, he would bear
my remarks in mind,
61
00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:55,240
and, if I were to come across
any similar infringements
62
00:03:55,240 --> 00:04:00,160
in the future, I was not
to hesitate to get in touch.
63
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:06,840
I wrote him a little letter back,
64
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:10,880
thanking him for his prompt
and courteous reply,
65
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:13,760
and saying that though I hoped
not to make any further visits
66
00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:17,240
to the crematorium
in the near future - joke -
67
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:18,320
I took his point.
68
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:22,760
I also dropped a line
to the relatives,
69
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,520
care of the undertakers,
70
00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:27,840
saying I was an acquaintance
of Miss Pringle's,
71
00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:30,000
had been present at the ceremony
72
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:33,080
and had taken the liberty
of entering into correspondence
73
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:36,120
with the crematorium
over the unfortunate lapse.
74
00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:39,840
I enclosed a copy
of Mr Widdop's reply,
75
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:43,280
but they...they didn't write back,
76
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,680
which I can understand,
77
00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:49,400
because the one thing
death always entails
78
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:52,480
is a mass of correspondence.
79
00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:56,400
When Mother died, I had 53 letters.
80
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:03,200
Besides, they may not have
even seen them smoking.
81
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:07,040
They were probably
blinded with grief.
82
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:12,400
I see we've got a new couple
moved in opposite.
83
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,240
Don't look very promising.
84
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:22,400
The kiddy looks filthy.
85
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:42,200
A card from the opticians
this morning
86
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,120
saying that their records indicate
87
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:47,080
that it's two years since
they supplied me with spectacles,
88
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,600
and that by now they would almost
certainly be in need of verification
89
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:55,640
and suggesting I call
at my earliest convenience.
90
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,640
I thought that was nice,
91
00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:02,520
so I took my trusty Platignum
and dashed off an answer forthwith.
92
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:04,880
I said I thought it was
very considerate of them
93
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:06,440
to have kept me in mind,
94
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,120
and while I was quite satisfied with
my spectacles at the present moment,
95
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,760
I was grateful to them for drawing
this matter to my attention,
96
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:16,800
and in the event of my noticing
any deterioration,
97
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,760
I would in due course
get in touch with them.
98
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,560
It's stood me in good stead,
has this pen.
99
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,360
Mother bought it me the last time
100
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,200
she was able to get over
to Harrogate.
101
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,880
It's been a real friend.
102
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,760
Angie, her name is.
103
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,960
I heard him shout of her as I went
by en route for the Post Office.
104
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:47,760
He was laid out underneath
his car wanting a spanner,
105
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:52,040
and she came out, transistor in
one hand, kiddy in the other.
106
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,320
Thin little thing,
bruise on its arm.
107
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:58,200
And I thought, "Well, you've got
a car, you've got a transistor,
108
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,400
"it's about time you invested
in some curtains."
109
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,200
She can't be more than 20,
110
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,640
and by the look of her,
she's expecting another.
111
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:12,000
I passed the place where
there was the broken step
112
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:15,840
I wrote to the council
was a danger to the public.
113
00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:19,400
Little ramp there now.
Access for the disabled.
114
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:26,200
Whenever I pass, I think,
"Well, that's thanks to you, Irene."
115
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,040
It's my monument, that ramp.
116
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:33,960
Only some dog had gone and done its
business right in the middle of it.
117
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,640
I'm sure there's more of that
than there used to be.
118
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,840
I had a little awayday
to London last year.
119
00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,000
It was dog dirt everywhere.
120
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:46,680
I spotted some on the pavement
right outside Buckingham Palace.
121
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:48,400
I wrote to the Queen about it.
122
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,200
Had a charming letter back
from a lady-in-waiting
123
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,320
saying Her Majesty
appreciated my interest
124
00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:58,400
and that my letter had been passed
on to the appropriate authority.
125
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,160
The upshot eventually
is I get a long letter
126
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:05,160
from the Chief Cleansing Officer
to Westminster City Council,
127
00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,520
apologising profusely
128
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:12,400
and enclosing a rundown of their
highways and maintenance budget.
129
00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:15,720
That's been my experience,
generally.
130
00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:19,240
People are only too grateful
to have these things pointed out.
131
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,400
The keynote is participation.
132
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,760
Of course,
I wrote back to thank him,
133
00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:30,160
and then blow me if I didn't get
another letter thanking me for mine.
134
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:35,360
So I wrote back saying I hadn't
been expecting another letter.
135
00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:37,360
There was no need
to have written again,
136
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:40,720
and was this an appropriate use
of public resources?
137
00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:47,520
They didn't even bother to reply.
138
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,760
SHE SIGHS
139
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,760
Typical.
140
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,920
I'm just waiting
for the paper coming.
141
00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,560
Not that there's much in it.
142
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:02,400
The correspondence I initiated
143
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,560
on the length of the Archbishop
of Canterbury's hair
144
00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:07,360
seems to have gone off the boil.
145
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:11,600
Until I wrote up to Live Letters,
nobody'd actually spotted it.
146
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,520
Various people took up the cudgels
147
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:17,400
until there was
an impassioned letter
148
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,400
from the Rural Dean of Halifax,
who has a beard,
149
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,520
and that put the tin hat on it.
150
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:27,800
Getting dark.
151
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,320
The couple opposite
just having their tea.
152
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:38,480
No cloth on.
153
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,040
Think they must have
put the kiddy to bed.
154
00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:48,480
When I put the milk bottle out,
I heard it crying.
155
00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,160
SHE SCOFFS
156
00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,160
Prison.
157
00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:00,040
Ugh, they have it easy.
158
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:06,120
Television, table tennis, art.
159
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:07,680
It's just a holiday camp.
160
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,200
Do you wonder there's crime?
161
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,720
And people say,
"Well, what can you do?"
162
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:18,080
Well, you can get on to your MP
for a start. I do, regularly.
163
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:20,920
I got a reply to one letter
this morning.
164
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:24,680
I'd written, drawing his attention
to a hitherto unnoticed factor
165
00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:25,960
in the rise in crime,
166
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:30,360
namely the number of policemen
these days who wear glasses.
167
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:35,880
What chance would they have
against a determined assailant?
168
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:38,640
He noted my comments
169
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,360
and promised to make them known
in the proper quarter.
170
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:44,120
He's Labour,
171
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,160
but it's always very good notepaper
and beautifully typed.
172
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:52,840
When I'd dusted round
and done my jobs,
173
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,080
I had a walk on to the end
174
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:57,400
and bought a little packet of pork
sausage and some Basildon Bond.
175
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,040
Big black hair in the sausage.
176
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:07,120
So I wrote off to the makers
enclosing the hair.
177
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:11,120
I stuck it under a bit of Sellotape.
Little arrow - "This is the hair."
178
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,960
I emphasised I didn't want
a substitute packet
179
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:18,040
as it was plainly manufactured
under unhygienic conditions,
180
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:21,120
so would they send me a refund
of the purchase price
181
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,240
plus the cost of postage?
182
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,360
Cos I don't want inundating
with sausage.
183
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,040
I keep wondering about
the kiddy opposite.
184
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,600
I haven't seen it for a week or two.
185
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,160
And they're out all the time.
186
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:45,120
Every single night they go off,
and the kiddy doesn't go.
187
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:46,960
And nobody comes in to sit.
188
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,160
It can't be more than five.
189
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:54,440
Where do they get the money to go
out? That's what I'd like to know.
190
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,440
Because he's not working!
191
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:59,840
Spends all day tinkering
with that car.
192
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,880
There wants to be a bit less of
the car and a bit more of the kiddy.
193
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,560
It never plays out and they want
fresh air, do kiddies.
194
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:08,960
It's a well-known fact.
195
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:15,000
Don't hear it crying now. Nothing.
196
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:21,200
And I've never seen a cloth on.
197
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,200
Teapot stuck there.
198
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,240
Milk bottle.
199
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:30,440
It'll surprise me
if they're married.
200
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:32,400
He has a tattoo anyway.
201
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,200
SHE SIGHS
202
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,880
My mother knew everybody
in this street.
203
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:51,560
She could reel off the occupants
of every single house.
204
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:54,440
Everybody could, once upon a time.
205
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,360
Now they come and they go.
206
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:02,200
That's why these tragedies happen.
207
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,200
Nobody watching.
208
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:08,480
If they knew they were being
watched, they might behave.
209
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,040
I'd talk to next door's about it,
210
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:13,560
only there hasn't been any contact
211
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,400
since the business
over the dustbins.
212
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,280
I thought I'd go and have
a word with the doctor,
213
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:22,520
drop a hint there somehow.
214
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,480
There used to be just one doctor.
215
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:29,640
Now they've all amalgamated,
so it's a bit of a lucky dip.
216
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:31,120
Young fella.
217
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:36,360
I said, "I was getting upset,
like I did before."
218
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,600
"Before what?" he said.
219
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:42,480
I said, "It's in my notes."
220
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,280
So he read them and then he said,
221
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,760
"You've been getting a bit upset,
like you did before.
222
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:52,400
"I'll give you something to take."
223
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,320
So I told him about the kiddy,
224
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,400
and he said, "Well,
these tablets will help you
225
00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,840
"to take a more balanced view."
226
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,520
So I gave them three or four days,
227
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,640
and they didn't seem to me
to make much difference,
228
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,320
so I went along again.
229
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:12,160
Different doctor this time.
Same rigmarole.
230
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,040
I said I didn't want
any more tablets.
231
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:15,560
I just wanted the name of the firm
232
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,880
manufacturing the ones I'd
already had, because I think
233
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:22,120
they ought to be told if their
product isn't doing the trick.
234
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:25,520
And the doctor said
it would be easier...
235
00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:27,160
..if he gave me some new tablets,
236
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:29,680
and anyway I couldn't write -
the firm was Swiss.
237
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,440
I said, "What difference
does that make?!
238
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:32,880
"Everybody speaks English now!"
239
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:34,840
He said, "We don't want
to get into that, do we?"
240
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,640
and writes me another prescription.
241
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,320
I shan't bother with it.
242
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,600
In fact,
243
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,320
I put it down the toilet.
244
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:52,920
I don't know who you write
to about doctors.
245
00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,320
After I'd had my tea,
246
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:02,600
I sat in the front room
247
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,320
in the dark
248
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,880
watching the house.
249
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,200
He's messing about with the car,
250
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:13,880
one of those little vests on
they have now without sleeves.
251
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,520
Radio going hammer and tongs.
252
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:20,760
No kiddy still.
253
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:25,680
I don't even know their name.
254
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:37,440
Thinking about it afterwards,
I realised
255
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,400
it must have been the doctor
that alerted the vicar.
256
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,280
Came round anyway.
257
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,920
Not the old vicar.
I'd have known him.
258
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:51,440
This was a young fellow in a collar
and tie. Could have been anybody.
259
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:53,600
I didn't take the chain off.
260
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,560
I said, "How do I know
you're the vicar?
261
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,360
"Have you any identification?"
262
00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,720
He shoves a little cross
round the door.
263
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,120
I said, "What's this?"
He said, "A cross."
264
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,040
I said, "A cross
doesn't mean anything.
265
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,160
"Youths wear crosses these days.
Hooligans.
266
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,120
"They wear crosses in their ears."
267
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:10,920
He said, "Not like this.
268
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,840
"This is a real cross.
269
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:14,360
"A working cross.
270
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,320
"It's the tool of my trade."
271
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:19,240
I was still a bit dubious,
272
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,040
then I saw he had cycle clips on,
so I let him in.
273
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,880
He chats for a bit, this and that,
274
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:30,160
no mention of God for long enough.
275
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,520
They keep him up their sleeve
for as long as they can, vicars.
276
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:36,240
They know it puts people off.
277
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:40,280
Went through a long rigmarole
about love.
278
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:43,440
How love comes in different forms.
279
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:48,400
Loving friends, loving
the countryside, loving music.
280
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,440
"People would be surprised
to learn..." he said.
281
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:52,040
I thought, "Here we go."
282
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:55,160
"People would be surprised to learn
that they loved God all the time
283
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:56,880
"and just didn't know it."
I cut him short.
284
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,000
I said, "If you've come
round here to talk about God,
285
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,640
"you're barking up the wrong tree.
I'm an atheist."
286
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,680
He was a bit stumped, I could see.
287
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:12,600
They don't expect you to be
an atheist when you're a miss.
288
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:13,840
Vicars -
289
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:17,280
they think if you're a single
person, they're on a good wicket.
290
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,560
He said, "Well, Miss Ruddock,
I shall call again.
291
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:22,920
"I shall look on you
as a challenge."
292
00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:25,880
And he hadn't been gone long
when there's another knock,
293
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:30,400
only this time it's a policeman
with a woman policeman in tow.
294
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,280
Ask if they can come in
and have a word.
295
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:33,680
I said, "What for?"
296
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:37,320
He said, "You know what for."
I said, "I don't."
297
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:38,360
But I let them in.
298
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,880
Takes his helmet off - only young -
299
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,040
and says he'll get straight
to the point.
300
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:47,880
Was it me who'd been
writing these letters?
301
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:50,160
I said, "What letters?
I don't write letters."
302
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,400
He said, "Letters."
303
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,880
I said, "Everyone writes letters.
I bet you write letters."
304
00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,960
He said, "Not like you, love."
I said, "Don't 'love' me.
305
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,760
"You'd better give me
your name and number.
306
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:02,240
"I intend to write to
your superintendent."
307
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:05,240
Turns out it's to do
with the couple opposite.
308
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,840
I said, "Well,
why are you asking me?"
309
00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:10,360
He said, "We're asking you
because who was it who wrote
310
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:13,280
"to the chemist, saying
his wife was a prostitute?
311
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:14,960
"We're asking you because who was it
312
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,320
"who gave the lollipop man
a nervous breakdown?"
313
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,880
I said, "Well, he was interfering
with those children."
314
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,000
He said, "The court bound you
over to keep the peace.
315
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,240
"This is a serious matter."
316
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,000
I said, "It is a serious matter.
317
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,840
"I can't keep the peace
when there's cruelty
318
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,640
"and neglect going on under my nose.
319
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,240
"I shouldn't keep the peace
when there's a child suffering.
320
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,760
"It's not my duty to keep
the peace then, is it?"
321
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:37,680
So then madam takes over,
the understanding approach.
322
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:41,560
She said, "Didn't I appreciate
this was a caring young couple?"
323
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:43,520
I said, "If they were
a caring young couple,
324
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:45,480
"why did you never see the kiddy?
325
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,160
"If they were a caring young couple,
326
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,880
"why did they go gadding off
every night,
327
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,520
"leaving the kiddy alone
in the house?"
328
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,760
She said, "Because the kiddy
wasn't alone in the house.
329
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:54,080
"The kiddy wasn't in the house -
330
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:55,720
"the kiddy was in hospital
in Bradford.
331
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:57,520
"That's where they were going
every night,
332
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,440
"and that's where the kiddy died,
last Friday.
333
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:02,240
I said, "What of - neglect?"
She said, "No, leukaemia."
334
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,720
He said, "You'd better get
your hat and coat on."
335
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,920
I've got two social workers come.
336
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:47,120
One white, one black.
337
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,640
Maureen, I'm supposed
to call the white one.
338
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,880
Shocking finger nails.
339
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:57,880
Ginger hair, and last week a hole
in her tights as big as a 50p piece.
340
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:02,480
She looks more in need
of social work than I do.
341
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,520
Puts it all down to men.
342
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,320
"Oh, we all know about men,
don't we, Irene?"
343
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:12,840
I never said
she could call me Irene.
344
00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:14,600
I don't want to be called Irene.
345
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,320
I want to be called Miss Ruddock.
346
00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:21,120
I'm not Irene. I haven't been
Irene since Mother died.
347
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:25,520
But they all call me Irene -
her, the police, everybody.
348
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:29,080
They think they're being nice, only
it's just a nice way of being nasty.
349
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:35,240
The other one's Asian. Mrs Rabindi.
350
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,520
Sits, talks.
351
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:39,840
She's right enough.
352
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:44,480
Something daubed on
her door last week.
353
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,040
She says it's what you get
to expect if you're Asian.
354
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:52,080
I said, "Well, there's all sorts
gets chucked over my wall."
355
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:55,200
We sit and talk,
only she's a bit of a boring woman.
356
00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:01,840
I tell her I loved my mother, and
she says how she loved her mother.
357
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,600
I say I'm frightened
to walk the streets,
358
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:05,640
and she tells me
how she's been attacked herself.
359
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,560
So it doesn't get you any further.
360
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:09,280
It's all, "Me too."
361
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:10,680
ANGRILY: Social work.
362
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,480
More like chiming in.
363
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:22,840
I'm on what's called
a suspended sentence.
364
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:28,040
It means you have to toe the line.
365
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,560
If I write any more letters,
I get sent to prison.
366
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:37,240
The magistrate said I was more
to be pitied than anything else.
367
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:39,120
I said, "Excuse me,
could I interject?"
368
00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:41,640
He said, "No, your best plan
would be to keep mum."
369
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:46,800
Big fella.
370
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:48,720
Navy blue suit.
371
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:50,280
Poppy in his buttonhole.
372
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:53,640
Yeah, looked a bit of a drinker.
373
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:59,000
Maureen says I should listen
to local radio.
374
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,200
Join these phone-in things.
375
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:05,360
Chat to the disc jockey
and choose a record.
376
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:08,360
She says they're very effective
in alleviating loneliness
377
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,400
and the sense of being isolated
in the community.
378
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,280
I said, "Yes, and they're
even more effective
379
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:13,880
"in bumping up the phone bill."
380
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:19,480
Maureen's trying
to get me on reading.
381
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:23,240
SHE SCOFFS
382
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:23,240
I suppose to get me off writing.
383
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:25,760
Says books would widen my horizon.
384
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:31,360
Fetches me novels,
but they don't ring true.
385
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,600
I mean, when somebody in a novel
says something like,
386
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,160
"Oh, I've never been
in an air crash,"
387
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,920
you know this means that
five minutes later they will be.
388
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:41,600
Say, "Trains never crash,"
and one does.
389
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:44,440
In stories, saying it brings it on.
390
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:47,800
So if you get the heroine saying,
391
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,600
"Oh, I don't suppose
I shall ever be happy,"
392
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:52,680
you can bank on it there's happiness
just around the corner.
393
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:54,560
That's the rule in novels.
394
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,960
Whereas in life, you can say
you're never going to be happy
395
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,000
and you never are happy,
396
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,160
and saying it doesn't make
a ha'porth of difference.
397
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:01,920
That's the real rule.
398
00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:03,640
Sometimes I catch myself thinking,
399
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:05,920
"Oh, it'll be better
the second time round."
400
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:08,640
But this is it.
401
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,720
This has been my go.
402
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:22,040
SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
403
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,400
New policeman now.
404
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,800
Walks the streets
the way they used to.
405
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:32,520
Part of the new policy.
406
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,080
Community policing.
407
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:37,800
He smiles.
408
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:39,200
Passes the time of day.
409
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:42,920
Keeping an eye on things.
410
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:51,480
Certainly keeps an eye on number 56.
411
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,440
In there an hour at a stretch.
412
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,200
I timed it the other day.
413
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,200
And when eventually he comes out,
414
00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:00,120
she's at the door in just
a little shorty housecoat thing.
415
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:06,160
He's in there now.
416
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,040
He wants reporting.
417
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:30,800
WOMEN LAUGH
418
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:33,200
I ought to be writing up my diary.
419
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,560
Mrs Proctor's got us all
on keeping diaries
420
00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:38,640
as part of literary appreciation.
421
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,960
The other girls can't think
what to put in theirs.
422
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,160
Me? I can't think what to leave out.
423
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,600
Trouble is I never have time
to write it up.
424
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:48,160
I'm three days behind as it is.
425
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:50,240
I am that busy.
426
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:53,200
Cos in a morning, it's occupation,
427
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:56,720
and I've opted for bookbinding
and dressmaking.
428
00:24:56,720 --> 00:25:00,120
In dressmaking, Mrs Dunlop's
chucked me in at the deep end,
429
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:02,360
and I'm running up
a little cocktail dress.
430
00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:04,800
I said, "I never have cocktails."
431
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,920
She said, "Well, now you've got
the dress, you can."
432
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:11,560
That's what it's geared to,
this place - new horizons.
433
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:16,120
It's in shantung
with a little shawl collar.
434
00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:21,600
Lucille's making me a chunky
necklace for it in Handicrafts.
435
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:25,600
I share a room with Bridget,
who's from Glasgow.
436
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:28,680
She's been a prostitute on and off
and did away with her kiddy,
437
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,120
accidentally,
when she was drunk and upset.
438
00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:33,640
Bonny little face,
you'd never think it.
439
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,840
Her mother was blind,
but made beautiful pastry
440
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,560
and brought up
a family of nine in three rooms.
441
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,520
You don't know you're born, I think.
442
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:45,400
I'm friends with practically
everyone, though, besides Bridget.
443
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:47,400
I'm up and down that corridor,
444
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:51,720
and more often than not, I am still
on my rounds when the bell goes.
445
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,720
They laugh at me, I know,
but it's all in good part.
446
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:58,120
Lucille says,
"You're funny, you, Irene.
447
00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:00,840
"You don't mind being in prison."
I said, "Prison?"
448
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:06,280
I said, "Lucille, this is the first
taste of freedom I've had in years."
449
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:10,120
Of course, I'm lucky.
450
00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:12,240
The others miss the sex.
451
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:13,640
Men, men, men.
452
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,040
They talk about nothing else.
453
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:19,680
Mind you, that's not quite
the closed book it used to be.
454
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:22,600
Bridget's taken me through
the procedure step by step
455
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:24,440
and whereas previous to this,
456
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,920
if I'd ever found myself in bed
with a man I should have been
457
00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:28,360
like a fish out of water.
458
00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:31,480
Now, as Bridget says,
at least I know the rudiments.
459
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:34,320
Of course, I can't ever see it
coming to that at my age,
460
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:37,800
but, still, it's nice to have
another string to your bow.
461
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:42,080
They have got me smoking
now and again as well.
462
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,440
I mean, I shan't ever be a full-time
smoker cos I'm not that type,
463
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:47,280
and I don't want to be, but, still,
464
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:50,440
it means if I'm ever
in a social situation
465
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:54,720
when I'm called on to smoke, like
when they're toasting the Queen,
466
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:56,760
I shan't be put off my stroke.
467
00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:00,160
But, you see, that's the whole
philosophy of this place -
468
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,880
acquiring skills.
469
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:06,200
I sailed through
the secretarial course.
470
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:09,920
Miss Macaulay says
I am their first Grade I.
471
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:11,880
I can type like the wind.
472
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,560
And Miss Macaulay says we mustn't
let the grass grow under our feet,
473
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:17,960
and if she goes down on
her knees in Admin,
474
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:23,800
they might - repeat, might - let me
have a go on their word processor.
475
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:29,000
And then the plan is Stage One -
I go on day release for a bit.
476
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:33,360
Followed by Stage Two -
a spell in a resettlement hostel,
477
00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:35,840
where I'll be reintegrated
into the community.
478
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:39,120
And finally, Stage Three -
a little job in an office somewhere.
479
00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:42,320
I said to Miss Macaulay, "Will it
matter my having been in prison?"
480
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:44,600
She said, "Irene,
with your qualifications,
481
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,640
"it wouldn't matter
if you'd been in the SS."
482
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,200
SHE CHUCKLES
483
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:53,560
Oh, God...
484
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:58,000
But the... The stuff
some of them come out with!
485
00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:00,600
Oh, you have to smile.
486
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:04,040
I mean, they have words for things
487
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,200
I didn't even know
there were words for,
488
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:10,920
and, in fact, I swear myself
on occasion now,
489
00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:13,880
though, only when the need arises.
490
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:18,440
Like the other evening - I'm sat
with Shirley during Association,
491
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:21,080
and Shirley's very obese,
I think it's glandular,
492
00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:24,320
and we're trying to put together
a letter to her boyfriend.
493
00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,760
Well, she says it's her boyfriend,
only I had to start
494
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:31,040
the letter three times because
first go off, she says his name was
495
00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,080
Kenneth, and then she
said it was Mark,
496
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,000
and then finally
she settled on Stephen.
497
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:36,600
She stammers, does Shirley.
498
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,040
I think she just wanted a name
she could say.
499
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:42,600
I don't believe
she has a boyfriend at all,
500
00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:44,560
just wants to be in the swim.
501
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,800
She shouldn't actually be
in here, in fact,
502
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:52,920
because she's not all there.
503
00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:55,400
There's nowhere else to put her,
apparently -
504
00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:56,760
she sets fire to places.
505
00:28:56,760 --> 00:29:00,600
Anyway, we're sitting in her room
concocting this letter
506
00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:05,040
to the pretend boyfriend
when Black Geraldine waltzes in,
507
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:08,000
drapes herself across the bed
and starts chipping in,
508
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:11,800
saying, oh, was this boyfriend
blond and did he have curly hair?
509
00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:13,960
And then nasty
personal-type questions
510
00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:16,280
she should know better
than to ask Shirley.
511
00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:20,480
And Shirley's getting confused and
stammering and Geraldine's laughing,
512
00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:22,240
so finally I threw
caution to the winds
513
00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:25,240
and I told Geraldine to fuck up.
514
00:29:25,240 --> 00:29:28,640
She screams with laughing, goes
running down the corridor saying,
515
00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:31,640
"Oh, do you know what Irene said?
Do you know what Irene said?"
516
00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:35,360
And when she'd gone, Shirley said,
"You shouldn't have said that."
517
00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:38,520
I said, "I know,
but sometimes it's necessary."
518
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:41,320
She said, "No, Irene. I don't mean
you shouldn't have said it,
519
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:43,680
"only you got it wrong.
It's not fuck up."
520
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:45,160
I said, "What, is it?"
521
00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:46,480
She said, "It's fuck off."
522
00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:50,440
She's good-hearted.
523
00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:51,920
LAUGHTER
524
00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:59,800
CLOCK TICKS
525
00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:08,680
WHISPERING: Sometimes Bridget will
wake up in the middle of the night
526
00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:14,280
shouting, dreaming about
the kiddy she killed...
527
00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:22,720
..and I go over and I sit by the bed
528
00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:28,480
and hold her hand
till she goes off again.
529
00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:37,920
There's my little clock ticking...
530
00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:46,440
..and I can hear the wind in the
poplar trees by the playing field.
531
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:52,480
Oh, maybe it's raining.
532
00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:57,920
And I'm sitting there...
533
00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:05,800
..and I'm so happy.
534
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:07,680
CLOCK CONTINUES TICKING
66193
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