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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:48,360 I can't say the service was up to scratch. 2 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:51,160 It smacked of the conveyor belt. 3 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:54,000 In fact, I wrote to the crematorium. 4 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,920 I said, "I thought the hallmark of a ceremony 5 00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:59,000 "of that nature was reverence, 6 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:02,160 "whereas the word that kept coming into my mind was brisk." 7 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:06,760 "Moreover," I added, "grief-stricken people do not expect to emerge 8 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:09,120 "from the Chapel of Rest to find grown men 9 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:12,240 "skulking in the rhododendrons with tab ends in their mouths." 10 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:17,200 If the hearse drivers must smoke, then facilities should be provided. 11 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,200 I'd heard good reports of this crematorium, 12 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:22,000 but I hoped that they would agree with me that, on this occasion, 13 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,160 it had let itself down. 14 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,560 Of course, if I'd happened to be heartbroken, 15 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,240 I'd have felt much worse. 16 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:31,840 I didn't let on to the crematorium 17 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:33,640 cos I thought it might get them off the hook, 18 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:36,480 but I actually didn't know her all that well. 19 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:41,400 I used to see her getting on the 37 and we'd pass the time of day. 20 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,960 She lost her mother round about the time I lost mine. 21 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:48,960 She had a niece in Australia, and I have the one cousin in Canada. 22 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,440 And then she went in for gas-fired central heating 23 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,080 just a few weeks before I did, 24 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:57,360 so one way or another, we'd covered a lot of the same ground. 25 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:01,240 I'd spent years thinking she was called Hammersley, 26 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:05,560 which was way off the mark cos her name turns out to be Pringle. 27 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,040 There was a picture of her in the Evening Post - 28 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,520 for which she'd been a big voluntary worker - 29 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:14,240 with details of the funeral on the Wednesday afternoon, 30 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:17,760 which is the one time I'm dangling my feet a bit, 31 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:21,320 so I thought I'd get out my little maroon coat 32 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,040 and put in an appearance. 33 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,320 At least it's an outing. 34 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,200 And I was glad I'd gone, but, as I say, 35 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,280 the ceremony was a bit lacklustre 36 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:34,360 and topped off by these young fellas smoking, 37 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:37,680 so I thought the least I could do was write. 38 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:45,800 Anyway, I got a charming letter back from the director of operations, 39 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:47,280 a Mr Widdop. 40 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:50,240 He said he was most grateful 41 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,520 that I'd drawn this matter to his attention, 42 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:55,240 and, while he was aware the practice sometimes went on, 43 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,920 if he personally caught anybody smoking, 44 00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:01,080 he would jump on the culprits with both feet. 45 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:02,640 He knew I would appreciate 46 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,320 that discipline within the chapel precincts 47 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,200 presented special problems, 48 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:09,840 as it wasn't always convenient to tear a strip off somebody 49 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:12,440 when there were grief-stricken people knocking about. 50 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:17,560 What he personally preferred to do was to keep a low profile 51 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,240 and then come down on the offenders like a tonne of bricks 52 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:22,760 once the coast was clear. 53 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:26,720 And with regard to my remarks about facilities, 54 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:30,120 they had no plans to provide a smoking area in the Chapel of Rest 55 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:31,640 in the foreseeable future, 56 00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:35,200 as I must understand that space was at a premium, 57 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:38,080 and top of their list of priorities at the present moment 58 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:40,480 was the provision of a temporary temple 59 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:43,240 for the use of racial minorities. 60 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:51,920 However, he would bear my remarks in mind, 61 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:55,240 and, if I were to come across any similar infringements 62 00:03:55,240 --> 00:04:00,160 in the future, I was not to hesitate to get in touch. 63 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:06,840 I wrote him a little letter back, 64 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:10,880 thanking him for his prompt and courteous reply, 65 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:13,760 and saying that though I hoped not to make any further visits 66 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:17,240 to the crematorium in the near future - joke - 67 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:18,320 I took his point. 68 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:22,760 I also dropped a line to the relatives, 69 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,520 care of the undertakers, 70 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:27,840 saying I was an acquaintance of Miss Pringle's, 71 00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:30,000 had been present at the ceremony 72 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:33,080 and had taken the liberty of entering into correspondence 73 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:36,120 with the crematorium over the unfortunate lapse. 74 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:39,840 I enclosed a copy of Mr Widdop's reply, 75 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:43,280 but they...they didn't write back, 76 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,680 which I can understand, 77 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:49,400 because the one thing death always entails 78 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:52,480 is a mass of correspondence. 79 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:56,400 When Mother died, I had 53 letters. 80 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:03,200 Besides, they may not have even seen them smoking. 81 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:07,040 They were probably blinded with grief. 82 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:12,400 I see we've got a new couple moved in opposite. 83 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,240 Don't look very promising. 84 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:22,400 The kiddy looks filthy. 85 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:42,200 A card from the opticians this morning 86 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,120 saying that their records indicate 87 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:47,080 that it's two years since they supplied me with spectacles, 88 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,600 and that by now they would almost certainly be in need of verification 89 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:55,640 and suggesting I call at my earliest convenience. 90 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,640 I thought that was nice, 91 00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:02,520 so I took my trusty Platignum and dashed off an answer forthwith. 92 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:04,880 I said I thought it was very considerate of them 93 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:06,440 to have kept me in mind, 94 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,120 and while I was quite satisfied with my spectacles at the present moment, 95 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,760 I was grateful to them for drawing this matter to my attention, 96 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:16,800 and in the event of my noticing any deterioration, 97 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,760 I would in due course get in touch with them. 98 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,560 It's stood me in good stead, has this pen. 99 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,360 Mother bought it me the last time 100 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,200 she was able to get over to Harrogate. 101 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,880 It's been a real friend. 102 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,760 Angie, her name is. 103 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,960 I heard him shout of her as I went by en route for the Post Office. 104 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:47,760 He was laid out underneath his car wanting a spanner, 105 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:52,040 and she came out, transistor in one hand, kiddy in the other. 106 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,320 Thin little thing, bruise on its arm. 107 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:58,200 And I thought, "Well, you've got a car, you've got a transistor, 108 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,400 "it's about time you invested in some curtains." 109 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,200 She can't be more than 20, 110 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,640 and by the look of her, she's expecting another. 111 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:12,000 I passed the place where there was the broken step 112 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:15,840 I wrote to the council was a danger to the public. 113 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:19,400 Little ramp there now. Access for the disabled. 114 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:26,200 Whenever I pass, I think, "Well, that's thanks to you, Irene." 115 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,040 It's my monument, that ramp. 116 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:33,960 Only some dog had gone and done its business right in the middle of it. 117 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,640 I'm sure there's more of that than there used to be. 118 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,840 I had a little awayday to London last year. 119 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,000 It was dog dirt everywhere. 120 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:46,680 I spotted some on the pavement right outside Buckingham Palace. 121 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:48,400 I wrote to the Queen about it. 122 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,200 Had a charming letter back from a lady-in-waiting 123 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,320 saying Her Majesty appreciated my interest 124 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:58,400 and that my letter had been passed on to the appropriate authority. 125 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,160 The upshot eventually is I get a long letter 126 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:05,160 from the Chief Cleansing Officer to Westminster City Council, 127 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,520 apologising profusely 128 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:12,400 and enclosing a rundown of their highways and maintenance budget. 129 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:15,720 That's been my experience, generally. 130 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:19,240 People are only too grateful to have these things pointed out. 131 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,400 The keynote is participation. 132 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,760 Of course, I wrote back to thank him, 133 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:30,160 and then blow me if I didn't get another letter thanking me for mine. 134 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:35,360 So I wrote back saying I hadn't been expecting another letter. 135 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:37,360 There was no need to have written again, 136 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:40,720 and was this an appropriate use of public resources? 137 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:47,520 They didn't even bother to reply. 138 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,760 SHE SIGHS 139 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,760 Typical. 140 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,920 I'm just waiting for the paper coming. 141 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,560 Not that there's much in it. 142 00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:02,400 The correspondence I initiated 143 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,560 on the length of the Archbishop of Canterbury's hair 144 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:07,360 seems to have gone off the boil. 145 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:11,600 Until I wrote up to Live Letters, nobody'd actually spotted it. 146 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,520 Various people took up the cudgels 147 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:17,400 until there was an impassioned letter 148 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,400 from the Rural Dean of Halifax, who has a beard, 149 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,520 and that put the tin hat on it. 150 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:27,800 Getting dark. 151 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,320 The couple opposite just having their tea. 152 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:38,480 No cloth on. 153 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,040 Think they must have put the kiddy to bed. 154 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:48,480 When I put the milk bottle out, I heard it crying. 155 00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,160 SHE SCOFFS 156 00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,160 Prison. 157 00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:00,040 Ugh, they have it easy. 158 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:06,120 Television, table tennis, art. 159 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:07,680 It's just a holiday camp. 160 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,200 Do you wonder there's crime? 161 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,720 And people say, "Well, what can you do?" 162 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:18,080 Well, you can get on to your MP for a start. I do, regularly. 163 00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:20,920 I got a reply to one letter this morning. 164 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:24,680 I'd written, drawing his attention to a hitherto unnoticed factor 165 00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:25,960 in the rise in crime, 166 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:30,360 namely the number of policemen these days who wear glasses. 167 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:35,880 What chance would they have against a determined assailant? 168 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:38,640 He noted my comments 169 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,360 and promised to make them known in the proper quarter. 170 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:44,120 He's Labour, 171 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,160 but it's always very good notepaper and beautifully typed. 172 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:52,840 When I'd dusted round and done my jobs, 173 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,080 I had a walk on to the end 174 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:57,400 and bought a little packet of pork sausage and some Basildon Bond. 175 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,040 Big black hair in the sausage. 176 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:07,120 So I wrote off to the makers enclosing the hair. 177 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:11,120 I stuck it under a bit of Sellotape. Little arrow - "This is the hair." 178 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,960 I emphasised I didn't want a substitute packet 179 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:18,040 as it was plainly manufactured under unhygienic conditions, 180 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:21,120 so would they send me a refund of the purchase price 181 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,240 plus the cost of postage? 182 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,360 Cos I don't want inundating with sausage. 183 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,040 I keep wondering about the kiddy opposite. 184 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,600 I haven't seen it for a week or two. 185 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,160 And they're out all the time. 186 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:45,120 Every single night they go off, and the kiddy doesn't go. 187 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:46,960 And nobody comes in to sit. 188 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,160 It can't be more than five. 189 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:54,440 Where do they get the money to go out? That's what I'd like to know. 190 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,440 Because he's not working! 191 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:59,840 Spends all day tinkering with that car. 192 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,880 There wants to be a bit less of the car and a bit more of the kiddy. 193 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,560 It never plays out and they want fresh air, do kiddies. 194 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:08,960 It's a well-known fact. 195 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:15,000 Don't hear it crying now. Nothing. 196 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:21,200 And I've never seen a cloth on. 197 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,200 Teapot stuck there. 198 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,240 Milk bottle. 199 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:30,440 It'll surprise me if they're married. 200 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:32,400 He has a tattoo anyway. 201 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,200 SHE SIGHS 202 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,880 My mother knew everybody in this street. 203 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:51,560 She could reel off the occupants of every single house. 204 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:54,440 Everybody could, once upon a time. 205 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,360 Now they come and they go. 206 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:02,200 That's why these tragedies happen. 207 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,200 Nobody watching. 208 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:08,480 If they knew they were being watched, they might behave. 209 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,040 I'd talk to next door's about it, 210 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:13,560 only there hasn't been any contact 211 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,400 since the business over the dustbins. 212 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,280 I thought I'd go and have a word with the doctor, 213 00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:22,520 drop a hint there somehow. 214 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,480 There used to be just one doctor. 215 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:29,640 Now they've all amalgamated, so it's a bit of a lucky dip. 216 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:31,120 Young fella. 217 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:36,360 I said, "I was getting upset, like I did before." 218 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,600 "Before what?" he said. 219 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:42,480 I said, "It's in my notes." 220 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,280 So he read them and then he said, 221 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,760 "You've been getting a bit upset, like you did before. 222 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:52,400 "I'll give you something to take." 223 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,320 So I told him about the kiddy, 224 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,400 and he said, "Well, these tablets will help you 225 00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,840 "to take a more balanced view." 226 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,520 So I gave them three or four days, 227 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,640 and they didn't seem to me to make much difference, 228 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,320 so I went along again. 229 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:12,160 Different doctor this time. Same rigmarole. 230 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,040 I said I didn't want any more tablets. 231 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:15,560 I just wanted the name of the firm 232 00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,880 manufacturing the ones I'd already had, because I think 233 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:22,120 they ought to be told if their product isn't doing the trick. 234 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:25,520 And the doctor said it would be easier... 235 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:27,160 ..if he gave me some new tablets, 236 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:29,680 and anyway I couldn't write - the firm was Swiss. 237 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,440 I said, "What difference does that make?! 238 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:32,880 "Everybody speaks English now!" 239 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:34,840 He said, "We don't want to get into that, do we?" 240 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,640 and writes me another prescription. 241 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,320 I shan't bother with it. 242 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,600 In fact, 243 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,320 I put it down the toilet. 244 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:52,920 I don't know who you write to about doctors. 245 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,320 After I'd had my tea, 246 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:02,600 I sat in the front room 247 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,320 in the dark 248 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,880 watching the house. 249 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,200 He's messing about with the car, 250 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:13,880 one of those little vests on they have now without sleeves. 251 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,520 Radio going hammer and tongs. 252 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:20,760 No kiddy still. 253 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:25,680 I don't even know their name. 254 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:37,440 Thinking about it afterwards, I realised 255 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,400 it must have been the doctor that alerted the vicar. 256 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,280 Came round anyway. 257 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,920 Not the old vicar. I'd have known him. 258 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:51,440 This was a young fellow in a collar and tie. Could have been anybody. 259 00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:53,600 I didn't take the chain off. 260 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,560 I said, "How do I know you're the vicar? 261 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,360 "Have you any identification?" 262 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,720 He shoves a little cross round the door. 263 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,120 I said, "What's this?" He said, "A cross." 264 00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,040 I said, "A cross doesn't mean anything. 265 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,160 "Youths wear crosses these days. Hooligans. 266 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,120 "They wear crosses in their ears." 267 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:10,920 He said, "Not like this. 268 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,840 "This is a real cross. 269 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:14,360 "A working cross. 270 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,320 "It's the tool of my trade." 271 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:19,240 I was still a bit dubious, 272 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,040 then I saw he had cycle clips on, so I let him in. 273 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,880 He chats for a bit, this and that, 274 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:30,160 no mention of God for long enough. 275 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,520 They keep him up their sleeve for as long as they can, vicars. 276 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:36,240 They know it puts people off. 277 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:40,280 Went through a long rigmarole about love. 278 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:43,440 How love comes in different forms. 279 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:48,400 Loving friends, loving the countryside, loving music. 280 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,440 "People would be surprised to learn..." he said. 281 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:52,040 I thought, "Here we go." 282 00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:55,160 "People would be surprised to learn that they loved God all the time 283 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:56,880 "and just didn't know it." I cut him short. 284 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,000 I said, "If you've come round here to talk about God, 285 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,640 "you're barking up the wrong tree. I'm an atheist." 286 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,680 He was a bit stumped, I could see. 287 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:12,600 They don't expect you to be an atheist when you're a miss. 288 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:13,840 Vicars - 289 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:17,280 they think if you're a single person, they're on a good wicket. 290 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,560 He said, "Well, Miss Ruddock, I shall call again. 291 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:22,920 "I shall look on you as a challenge." 292 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:25,880 And he hadn't been gone long when there's another knock, 293 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:30,400 only this time it's a policeman with a woman policeman in tow. 294 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,280 Ask if they can come in and have a word. 295 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:33,680 I said, "What for?" 296 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:37,320 He said, "You know what for." I said, "I don't." 297 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:38,360 But I let them in. 298 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,880 Takes his helmet off - only young - 299 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,040 and says he'll get straight to the point. 300 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:47,880 Was it me who'd been writing these letters? 301 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:50,160 I said, "What letters? I don't write letters." 302 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,400 He said, "Letters." 303 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,880 I said, "Everyone writes letters. I bet you write letters." 304 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,960 He said, "Not like you, love." I said, "Don't 'love' me. 305 00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,760 "You'd better give me your name and number. 306 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:02,240 "I intend to write to your superintendent." 307 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:05,240 Turns out it's to do with the couple opposite. 308 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,840 I said, "Well, why are you asking me?" 309 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:10,360 He said, "We're asking you because who was it who wrote 310 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:13,280 "to the chemist, saying his wife was a prostitute? 311 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:14,960 "We're asking you because who was it 312 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,320 "who gave the lollipop man a nervous breakdown?" 313 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,880 I said, "Well, he was interfering with those children." 314 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,000 He said, "The court bound you over to keep the peace. 315 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,240 "This is a serious matter." 316 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,000 I said, "It is a serious matter. 317 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,840 "I can't keep the peace when there's cruelty 318 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,640 "and neglect going on under my nose. 319 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,240 "I shouldn't keep the peace when there's a child suffering. 320 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,760 "It's not my duty to keep the peace then, is it?" 321 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:37,680 So then madam takes over, the understanding approach. 322 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:41,560 She said, "Didn't I appreciate this was a caring young couple?" 323 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:43,520 I said, "If they were a caring young couple, 324 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:45,480 "why did you never see the kiddy? 325 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,160 "If they were a caring young couple, 326 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,880 "why did they go gadding off every night, 327 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,520 "leaving the kiddy alone in the house?" 328 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,760 She said, "Because the kiddy wasn't alone in the house. 329 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:54,080 "The kiddy wasn't in the house - 330 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:55,720 "the kiddy was in hospital in Bradford. 331 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:57,520 "That's where they were going every night, 332 00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,440 "and that's where the kiddy died, last Friday. 333 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:02,240 I said, "What of - neglect?" She said, "No, leukaemia." 334 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,720 He said, "You'd better get your hat and coat on." 335 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,920 I've got two social workers come. 336 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:47,120 One white, one black. 337 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,640 Maureen, I'm supposed to call the white one. 338 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,880 Shocking finger nails. 339 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:57,880 Ginger hair, and last week a hole in her tights as big as a 50p piece. 340 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:02,480 She looks more in need of social work than I do. 341 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,520 Puts it all down to men. 342 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,320 "Oh, we all know about men, don't we, Irene?" 343 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:12,840 I never said she could call me Irene. 344 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:14,600 I don't want to be called Irene. 345 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,320 I want to be called Miss Ruddock. 346 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:21,120 I'm not Irene. I haven't been Irene since Mother died. 347 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:25,520 But they all call me Irene - her, the police, everybody. 348 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:29,080 They think they're being nice, only it's just a nice way of being nasty. 349 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:35,240 The other one's Asian. Mrs Rabindi. 350 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,520 Sits, talks. 351 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:39,840 She's right enough. 352 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:44,480 Something daubed on her door last week. 353 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,040 She says it's what you get to expect if you're Asian. 354 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:52,080 I said, "Well, there's all sorts gets chucked over my wall." 355 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:55,200 We sit and talk, only she's a bit of a boring woman. 356 00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:01,840 I tell her I loved my mother, and she says how she loved her mother. 357 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,600 I say I'm frightened to walk the streets, 358 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:05,640 and she tells me how she's been attacked herself. 359 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,560 So it doesn't get you any further. 360 00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:09,280 It's all, "Me too." 361 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:10,680 ANGRILY: Social work. 362 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,480 More like chiming in. 363 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:22,840 I'm on what's called a suspended sentence. 364 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:28,040 It means you have to toe the line. 365 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,560 If I write any more letters, I get sent to prison. 366 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:37,240 The magistrate said I was more to be pitied than anything else. 367 00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:39,120 I said, "Excuse me, could I interject?" 368 00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:41,640 He said, "No, your best plan would be to keep mum." 369 00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:46,800 Big fella. 370 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:48,720 Navy blue suit. 371 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:50,280 Poppy in his buttonhole. 372 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:53,640 Yeah, looked a bit of a drinker. 373 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:59,000 Maureen says I should listen to local radio. 374 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,200 Join these phone-in things. 375 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:05,360 Chat to the disc jockey and choose a record. 376 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:08,360 She says they're very effective in alleviating loneliness 377 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,400 and the sense of being isolated in the community. 378 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,280 I said, "Yes, and they're even more effective 379 00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:13,880 "in bumping up the phone bill." 380 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:19,480 Maureen's trying to get me on reading. 381 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:23,240 SHE SCOFFS 382 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:23,240 I suppose to get me off writing. 383 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:25,760 Says books would widen my horizon. 384 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:31,360 Fetches me novels, but they don't ring true. 385 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,600 I mean, when somebody in a novel says something like, 386 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,160 "Oh, I've never been in an air crash," 387 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,920 you know this means that five minutes later they will be. 388 00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:41,600 Say, "Trains never crash," and one does. 389 00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:44,440 In stories, saying it brings it on. 390 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:47,800 So if you get the heroine saying, 391 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,600 "Oh, I don't suppose I shall ever be happy," 392 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:52,680 you can bank on it there's happiness just around the corner. 393 00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:54,560 That's the rule in novels. 394 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,960 Whereas in life, you can say you're never going to be happy 395 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,000 and you never are happy, 396 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,160 and saying it doesn't make a ha'porth of difference. 397 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:01,920 That's the real rule. 398 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:03,640 Sometimes I catch myself thinking, 399 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:05,920 "Oh, it'll be better the second time round." 400 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:08,640 But this is it. 401 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,720 This has been my go. 402 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:22,040 SHE BREATHES HEAVILY 403 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,400 New policeman now. 404 00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,800 Walks the streets the way they used to. 405 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:32,520 Part of the new policy. 406 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,080 Community policing. 407 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:37,800 He smiles. 408 00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:39,200 Passes the time of day. 409 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:42,920 Keeping an eye on things. 410 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:51,480 Certainly keeps an eye on number 56. 411 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,440 In there an hour at a stretch. 412 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,200 I timed it the other day. 413 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,200 And when eventually he comes out, 414 00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:00,120 she's at the door in just a little shorty housecoat thing. 415 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:06,160 He's in there now. 416 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,040 He wants reporting. 417 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:30,800 WOMEN LAUGH 418 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:33,200 I ought to be writing up my diary. 419 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,560 Mrs Proctor's got us all on keeping diaries 420 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:38,640 as part of literary appreciation. 421 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,960 The other girls can't think what to put in theirs. 422 00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,160 Me? I can't think what to leave out. 423 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,600 Trouble is I never have time to write it up. 424 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:48,160 I'm three days behind as it is. 425 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:50,240 I am that busy. 426 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:53,200 Cos in a morning, it's occupation, 427 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:56,720 and I've opted for bookbinding and dressmaking. 428 00:24:56,720 --> 00:25:00,120 In dressmaking, Mrs Dunlop's chucked me in at the deep end, 429 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:02,360 and I'm running up a little cocktail dress. 430 00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:04,800 I said, "I never have cocktails." 431 00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,920 She said, "Well, now you've got the dress, you can." 432 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:11,560 That's what it's geared to, this place - new horizons. 433 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:16,120 It's in shantung with a little shawl collar. 434 00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:21,600 Lucille's making me a chunky necklace for it in Handicrafts. 435 00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:25,600 I share a room with Bridget, who's from Glasgow. 436 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:28,680 She's been a prostitute on and off and did away with her kiddy, 437 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,120 accidentally, when she was drunk and upset. 438 00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:33,640 Bonny little face, you'd never think it. 439 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,840 Her mother was blind, but made beautiful pastry 440 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,560 and brought up a family of nine in three rooms. 441 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,520 You don't know you're born, I think. 442 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:45,400 I'm friends with practically everyone, though, besides Bridget. 443 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:47,400 I'm up and down that corridor, 444 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:51,720 and more often than not, I am still on my rounds when the bell goes. 445 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,720 They laugh at me, I know, but it's all in good part. 446 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:58,120 Lucille says, "You're funny, you, Irene. 447 00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:00,840 "You don't mind being in prison." I said, "Prison?" 448 00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:06,280 I said, "Lucille, this is the first taste of freedom I've had in years." 449 00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:10,120 Of course, I'm lucky. 450 00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:12,240 The others miss the sex. 451 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:13,640 Men, men, men. 452 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,040 They talk about nothing else. 453 00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:19,680 Mind you, that's not quite the closed book it used to be. 454 00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:22,600 Bridget's taken me through the procedure step by step 455 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:24,440 and whereas previous to this, 456 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,920 if I'd ever found myself in bed with a man I should have been 457 00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:28,360 like a fish out of water. 458 00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:31,480 Now, as Bridget says, at least I know the rudiments. 459 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:34,320 Of course, I can't ever see it coming to that at my age, 460 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:37,800 but, still, it's nice to have another string to your bow. 461 00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:42,080 They have got me smoking now and again as well. 462 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,440 I mean, I shan't ever be a full-time smoker cos I'm not that type, 463 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:47,280 and I don't want to be, but, still, 464 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:50,440 it means if I'm ever in a social situation 465 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:54,720 when I'm called on to smoke, like when they're toasting the Queen, 466 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:56,760 I shan't be put off my stroke. 467 00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:00,160 But, you see, that's the whole philosophy of this place - 468 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,880 acquiring skills. 469 00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:06,200 I sailed through the secretarial course. 470 00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:09,920 Miss Macaulay says I am their first Grade I. 471 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:11,880 I can type like the wind. 472 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,560 And Miss Macaulay says we mustn't let the grass grow under our feet, 473 00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:17,960 and if she goes down on her knees in Admin, 474 00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:23,800 they might - repeat, might - let me have a go on their word processor. 475 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:29,000 And then the plan is Stage One - I go on day release for a bit. 476 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:33,360 Followed by Stage Two - a spell in a resettlement hostel, 477 00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:35,840 where I'll be reintegrated into the community. 478 00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:39,120 And finally, Stage Three - a little job in an office somewhere. 479 00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:42,320 I said to Miss Macaulay, "Will it matter my having been in prison?" 480 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:44,600 She said, "Irene, with your qualifications, 481 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,640 "it wouldn't matter if you'd been in the SS." 482 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,200 SHE CHUCKLES 483 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:53,560 Oh, God... 484 00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:58,000 But the... The stuff some of them come out with! 485 00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:00,600 Oh, you have to smile. 486 00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:04,040 I mean, they have words for things 487 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,200 I didn't even know there were words for, 488 00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:10,920 and, in fact, I swear myself on occasion now, 489 00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:13,880 though, only when the need arises. 490 00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:18,440 Like the other evening - I'm sat with Shirley during Association, 491 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:21,080 and Shirley's very obese, I think it's glandular, 492 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:24,320 and we're trying to put together a letter to her boyfriend. 493 00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,760 Well, she says it's her boyfriend, only I had to start 494 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:31,040 the letter three times because first go off, she says his name was 495 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,080 Kenneth, and then she said it was Mark, 496 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,000 and then finally she settled on Stephen. 497 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:36,600 She stammers, does Shirley. 498 00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,040 I think she just wanted a name she could say. 499 00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:42,600 I don't believe she has a boyfriend at all, 500 00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:44,560 just wants to be in the swim. 501 00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,800 She shouldn't actually be in here, in fact, 502 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:52,920 because she's not all there. 503 00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:55,400 There's nowhere else to put her, apparently - 504 00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:56,760 she sets fire to places. 505 00:28:56,760 --> 00:29:00,600 Anyway, we're sitting in her room concocting this letter 506 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:05,040 to the pretend boyfriend when Black Geraldine waltzes in, 507 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:08,000 drapes herself across the bed and starts chipping in, 508 00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:11,800 saying, oh, was this boyfriend blond and did he have curly hair? 509 00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:13,960 And then nasty personal-type questions 510 00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:16,280 she should know better than to ask Shirley. 511 00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:20,480 And Shirley's getting confused and stammering and Geraldine's laughing, 512 00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:22,240 so finally I threw caution to the winds 513 00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:25,240 and I told Geraldine to fuck up. 514 00:29:25,240 --> 00:29:28,640 She screams with laughing, goes running down the corridor saying, 515 00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:31,640 "Oh, do you know what Irene said? Do you know what Irene said?" 516 00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:35,360 And when she'd gone, Shirley said, "You shouldn't have said that." 517 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:38,520 I said, "I know, but sometimes it's necessary." 518 00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:41,320 She said, "No, Irene. I don't mean you shouldn't have said it, 519 00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:43,680 "only you got it wrong. It's not fuck up." 520 00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:45,160 I said, "What, is it?" 521 00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:46,480 She said, "It's fuck off." 522 00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:50,440 She's good-hearted. 523 00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:51,920 LAUGHTER 524 00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:59,800 CLOCK TICKS 525 00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:08,680 WHISPERING: Sometimes Bridget will wake up in the middle of the night 526 00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:14,280 shouting, dreaming about the kiddy she killed... 527 00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:22,720 ..and I go over and I sit by the bed 528 00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:28,480 and hold her hand till she goes off again. 529 00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:37,920 There's my little clock ticking... 530 00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:46,440 ..and I can hear the wind in the poplar trees by the playing field. 531 00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:52,480 Oh, maybe it's raining. 532 00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:57,920 And I'm sitting there... 533 00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:05,800 ..and I'm so happy. 534 00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:07,680 CLOCK CONTINUES TICKING 41222

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