All language subtitles for Californication.S02E09

Previously on Californication...

Fuck!

- I thought I saw a green light.
- No.

Shut up and fuck me.

Are you OK?

Oh!

I don't want to lose
the most compelling part of my book, so...

I'm done talking about Lew.

If you want to see me again,
you just have to ask me out.

Holy guacamole!

I'm this close to booking you
a room at Wishes.

What happened to Promises?

Promises of Malibu is no longer
in the Runkle family budget.

Wishes is in Oxnard.

My dirty little whore of a nose
is sorry that she let you down.

I promise we won't have any fun
while you're gone.

I'm king of Fuck Mountain!

Well, you earned it.

Charlie, where the hell's my daughter?

She doesn't pick up. She doesn't call.

Son of a bitch!

This is rehab, OK?

I got to tell you all the bad shit I did.

So, what? You hocked everything. Is that it?

The Cartier love bracelet,

the Venetian glass
we got on our honeymoon...

Hey, I didn't sell that ceramic bowl
they gave us as a wedding present.

Oh, well.

I made that for you.

I know. It's special as shit to me.

That's for you, by the way.
I made it in art therapy.

Really?

- You're welcome.
- Thank you. I will, uh... treasure it always.

Jesus Christ! Marce! Is there more?
Is that it? What?

Just the thing with the waiter
at the airport Chili's.

Marcy!

I need to fess up, OK?
It's part of the process.

There was just a little bit of tongue.

I was gonna get on the plane
to see my mother, I swear.

But the guy had some blow.
One thing led to another...

- We made out a little.
- Enough. Just stop, OK?

If I were doing anything like that,
you wouldn't want to hear about it.

You absolutely would not want to know
something like that.

Well, I wouldn't say absolutely.

And you were doing something like that.

- Remember? With Dani?
- You did.

You went off the deep end,
and what did I do, Runkle?

I stood by you. I forgave your ass.

And that's what he's doing.
I mean, he's here. He's standing by you.

You know, this is gonna be rough, honey.

You're just in the first week.
But you guys will get through this.

You're gonna be stronger
in the places that are broken.

Like Hemingway said.

I don't know what I'd do without you guys.

Well, fortunately,
you will never have to find out.

We should go, give them some space.

OK. Adieu, Cokey Smurf.

You look much better without
that giant monkey on your back.

- Mm-mm. Not good enough.
- What? You want tongue?

I want everybody in. Come on, you too.

- What?
- Literally? Like a group hug?

- So cute.
- Please?

All right.

(Marcy) Oh, yeah. That's right. Feel the love.

- (Hank) I'm feeling the love.
- The love is strong.

Something poking me on my left,
is what I'm feeling.

I got a broner.

(Ashby) Watch and learn.
(Hank) Mm-hm.

(Hank) Are you swinging
on the exhale or the inhale?

You hooked it.

Gator ball.

A little hook.

OK, if I hit one ball way the fuck over
into Houdini's front yard,

then you have to tell me, right?

- Everything Janie said about you?
- Yeah.

No way. I don't interview and tell.

(Hank, high-pitched) Hook!

Captain Hook.

Come on, Moody. It's my fuckin' life.

Not any more it's not. It's my book.

Besides, I'm not wagering on this game.
You invented it.

You made up all the bullshit rules.

La!

Run, you cunt!
Ooh, that was all right. It came back.

(Scottish accent)
Kind of a metaphor for life, isn't it, lad?

Yeah, it's Ashby's world. We all just live in it.

Come on. I've been good lately.
I haven't seen Mia once.

She's been busy doing, uh... publicity
for this, uh, book she wrote.

- What is that, a memoir or something?
- Or something.

Ooh. Come on, give me a little something
for good behaviour!

All right! I can't tell you how I know this,

but the Beverly Hills husband,
definitely cheating.

No shit.

I'll know more when I see her tonight.

- You're gonna see her tonight?
- Mm-hm.

Your labia got in the way of that one.
It's, uh... Friday night.

- Yeah.
- You can't see her tonight. That's weird.

It's like a... a date.

What? Two people of the opposite gender
can't rendezvous after seven pm?

- It's automatically a date?
- In Ashby's world.

- Hoo-ah!
- Ooh!

- I like that.
- (Laughs)

No, Marcy's still out of town,

but I could squeeze you in
with Oxsana Tuesday at four?

OK. Great. We'll see you then. Bye.

- How's the patient?
- Requiring all my patience.

Listen, Daisy, I can't thank you enough
for filling in like this.

Ah! No problem. It's fun.

Fun? Rescheduling all Marcy's
appointments, dealing with angry clients...

Hey, it's a lot easier than getting cum
shot in your eye and pretending to like it.

And all week long I've kind of felt special,

you know, like one of those girls
in the movies who works in an office.

Like The Devil Wears Prada or something.

Yeah, well, those girls all generally get paid.

I am not helping out around here to get paid.

You guys took me in.
You made me a part of your family.

I don't know if "family" is the right word.

Oh, you mean cos of our lengthy...

Don't worry. I get it.

I... know it's never gonna happen again.

You do?

Yeah! Don't sweat it.
I'm already looking for a new place to live.

Oh.

- Well, the guest room is yours until you...
- (Phone rings)

Oh! Excuse me.

Glamorous and important work to do.

You Karen?

- Who's asking?
- I work for Lew Ashby.

You're a long way from Laurel Canyon.

- Here.
- What? What is that?

- It just says "Get in the car."
- He's not one for words.

- We'll have you back by eleven.
- Back from where? What the...

I can't say exactly.
But I can say it's supremely awesome.

You honestly expect me
to get in that car with you?

What? You got something else to do?
It's Friday night.

- Come on.
- OK.

You sure about this? We could always
grab a box of their best Chardonnay

and drink it at the bus stop.

You promised you'd take me
anywhere I wanted to go tonight.

I did and I meant it.

But I was thinking more like
burgers at the Apple Pan.

Oh! So you're a cheap date.

Just because two people
of the opposite gender

rendezvous after seven pm
doesn't necessarily make it a date.

I think Lew would disagree with you on that.

He has. Yeah.

So he knows we're out tonight?

She asked because
she obviously still gives a damn.

What about you, your husband?

Where does the one
you gave your troth to think you are tonight?

He took the kids to Legoland
for the weekend.

- Legoland!
- Legoland.

OK. All right.

Plus, he feels Venice is too dangerous.
He doesn't like to come here.

Well, in your case, he may be right.

Aah! Look at this monstrosity.

- I like this one.
- You do?

Yeah, it looks how I feel.

What's that, alienated?

Nauseous? Culturally dispossessed?

No. Horny.

(Chokes)

- Cheese cube.
- Hank?

(Coughs)

- Hank, are you OK? Is he OK?
- It just went down the wrong pipe.

Whoo!

Cheese cube.

- Hi. I'm Janie.
- Hi. Sonja.

Oh, Sonja. When are you due?

Oh, God. Six more weeks.

- You look great.
- Thank you so much.

So how do you two know each other?

Look who's here.
Look at that. The... blurgh!

Oh, yeah.

Sonja and I, we have no secrets.

- Yeah, Hank is the father.
- Alleged father...

of Sonja's bump.

Wow. OK. Wow.

It's nice that you're here.

I never thought you'd be at a place like this.
This is Julian's gallery.

Oh, no, I did not know that.

OK, and now that you do, you're never
gonna get down here again, will you?

Probably not.

Slippery guy, this one.

Very slippery, yeah. Who's Julian?

- Julian Self, The Artist Within.
- Yeah.

There he is.

Salvador Dalí. Yeah.

Oh, my God! Look at that.

L-l-I... You know what? I knew it.

Look how late it is. You know, we're...

hopping from gallery to gallery tonight.

"Gallery-hopping" they call it.
We've got another thing to get to.

- I don't think we have another thing.
- No, we do.

- You can't go.
- We have a thing.

You cannot leave
without saying hello to Julian.

- No, I think we can.
- Say hello to Julian.

You promised we could do
anything I wanted tonight.

- I did? That doesn't sound like me.
- Lead the way.

You don't know me well enough
to torture me in this fashion.

(Sighs) Shit, Marcy!

All the petty cash, too?

Oh, hey. Hey, hey, I'm sorry.

Listen.

Look, I know it probably took a lot of courage
just to walk in here, but we're closed.

In fact, we don't really even,
you know, do men.

- Try a place...
- Is Daisy here?

Daisy. No, listen, pal.
No más appointments today.

- OK? I just... I forgot to lock the door is all.
- Oh, um... We're going out.

- On a date?
- Yeah.

Hey.

Wow! You look amazing.

You do! You look...

I was just meeting your friend.
Sorry, I didn't catch your name.

Steve, this is my boss, Charlie Runkle.

- Nice to meet you, Steve.
- Nice to meet you.

So... have you got a job, Steve?
Some means of support?

Oh, yeah, of course.

I work across the street
at the Sharper Image.

Sharper Image.

You know, if you're not done with work,
I can just wait for you outside.

- That would be great.
- OK.

- Seems nice.
- Don't you mean "boring as shit"?

Thanks for covering for me, by the way.

We both know I'm not really the girl
who works at the front desk.

Hey, hey. Sure you are.
You're any girl you want to be.

I don't have to go out with this guy.

He asked, and I figured "What the hell?
Do something normal for a change."

But I could tell him something came up
with work and stay, help you with the books.

Yeah, because that wouldn't be
at all dysfunctional. No, no, you should go.

You know, you should go out tonight
on a normal date with a normal guy

because you're young and normal.

And that's what normal people normally do.

OK. Don't work too hard.

(Sighs)

Don't you fuck him too hard. (Sighs)

(Romantic music)

- Just in time.
- Hey.

I had no idea they, um...
they started so promptly.

I mean,
"Lili Haydn, the Hollywood Bowl, 8:30."

I take it you don't like the crowds.

I have, uh... issues.

Oh, you do?

♪ They can change in an instant... ♪

So, you think you might stay?

I might.
I mean, it's a beautiful evening, right?

Where are we gonna sit?

Maybe we can squeeze up front.
I know people.

OK.

(Hank) So do you use flavoured wax for this
or just, like, surfboard wax?

(Julian) I use saliva.
(Janie) Do you know what hospital...

(Sonja) Oh, God, no. You know what?
No. No hospitals.

We're having home water birth.

Eases the birth trauma.

And it's much more sensual for a woman.

It facilitates the birth orgasm.

(Hank) Oh.

- So in a pool this is gonna happen?
- Yeah.

So you're not expecting so much
a boy or girl as a sea-monkey.

- Hank.
- Amphibious.

It's actually... it's a boy.

We have a home ultrasound machine.
We do it every week.

- Did I forget to tell you?
- About the home ultrasound machine?

Yes, but of course I assumed you had one.

Doesn't everybody? I know I do.

Hank hasn't always been so involved
in all this pregnancy stuff.

And that is a choice Hank will live to regret.
Jane, have you experienced giving birth?

- Yes. Uh-huh. Yes, I have.
- Ah.

But you haven't experienced a birth orgasm?

No, I did not.

You know, I think, maybe you should
let Julian do a reading for you.

He can gauge your negativity.

- No, I'm good.
- I think he's gauging it right now.

No, we're good, we have to get going.
We have that next thing.

What thing? You don't want to stay
and hear more about the birth orgasm?

- Jane...
- What?

- You have very beautiful eyes.
- I do?

Yes, and whatever pain
you have experienced in this life,

you've obviously transcended.

- Uh-huh.
- Are you menstruating right now?

- Am I... menstruating?
- And we're done.

All right, that was a good time.

Hank, Hank, come on.
Don't go. We're having fun.

He didn't mean it. It wasn't sexual.

Of course it's sexual. There's nothing wrong

with expressing a healthy, respectful interest
in someone else's sexuality. Hank...

See, I'm married, so...

- Oh, now you're married.
- I am. I'm married.

I think he's suggesting group sex.
I mean, that's it, right?

By all means. I mean, look at us.

The four of us have this
incredible pansexual chemistry.

You go. I'm gonna take a bullet for you.

- Come here.
- Don't resist.

You know what?
I want it so bad. I'm just not ready.

I'm not ready. I'm not ready.

I'll see you soon, OK?

What the fuck was that?

- I like him.
- (Sighs)

Hey.

- Daisy, you're back.
- Yeah, I was just in the neighbourhood.

I don't understand.
Is your date over already?

Not exactly. I kind of blew it off.

- Daisy!
- I know! I know!

Highly dysfunctional.

But, you see, I forgot something.

What's that?

Just how much I love Dirty Dancing.

Friends don't let friends wallow...

at least not alone.

So what do you say, Charlie Runkle?

Are you ready to have the time of your life?

(Daisy gasps)

(Laughs)

It is not every day that you meet a man
who has impregnated a cult member.

There were a lot
of controlled substances involved.

It was only the one time, so...

Wow. So your boys are potent?

They were. I've been snipped,

vasectomised, had my testes done.

- Wow, that is some excellent foreplay.
- You like that? That's my "A" material.

At the end of the night,
I come out and announce my infertility.

- It's sexy.
- It's working for you, huh?

- It is. It really turns a girl on.
- Wow.

Oh, hey, that reminds me.
I've got something of yours.

- You left something at my place.
- Oh.

- Your notebook.
- I hope you filled in all the blanks for me.

Nah, I figured you could do that,
maybe follow me back to my place?

For the proverbial nightcap?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Wow.

I'm gonna have to pass
on that very tempting offer.

- Wow! Rejected.
- No, don't think of it that way.

Uh... Think of it...

I'm gay.

- (Laughs) You're gay?
- I'm a big fat gay.

Why? Because I'm married?

Well, because you're married
and because you're Lew's girl and...

cos I'm getting the strangest feeling
about you.

Yeah, you are?

Yeah, I mean, I... I can't believe
I'm gonna say this out loud,

but I feel that I don't want to
make love to you just the once...

although I'm sure you would
enjoy the shit out of it.

You won't get this chance again.

- No?
- No.

Uh-oh.

Mean.

You're...

Mean, mean, mean, mean.
You're just mean.

Still, I'm gonna have to say no.

Wow! So I'm just, like,
what, a story for your book?

You're not gonna bait me into
changing my mind, Janie Jones.

But wait. Answer me this, though.

What is so sexy about a man
who's been vasectomised?

Oh, I don't know.
I guess it shows that you can commit,

that you can give
your whole heart to someone,

make sacrifices to please a woman.

You think a woman made me do this,
some castrating female?

Definitely did this for a woman.
You are not some stray dog, Hank Moody.

You belong to someone.

Takes one to know one.

He throws these huge parties,

people come and they drink his booze,
and act like they're his friends.

Yeah, I've heard.

Guest of honour never shows.

(TV) ♪ Cos I've had the time of my life

♪ And I owe it all to you...

I'm not sure I can bear to watch
the rest of this.

It's pretty much over
once Baby comes out of the corner.

- Were you even alive in the fall of 1987?
- Of course I was alive.

It was a good time.
I was in the mail room at William Morris.

Marce was still at NYU.

One day, somebody broke into
her dorm room.

Some homeless crack addict

snuck in and stole all her jewellery, so I tried
to think of a movie that might cheer her up.

It worked, didn't it?

We had to go all the way
up to 57th Street to see it,

some crappy theatre
that's not even there any more.

The Duane Reade across the street,

where I went in to buy her Twizzlers
and a Diet Coke, that's still there.

Charlie, she'll get better.

She'll be home soon
and everything will get back to normal.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

She'll quit the Bolivian marching powder.

I'll put my libido back in a box
and re-don the suit,

then the whole cycle can start over again.

I don't know much about marriage,
but it doesn't sound so entirely bad to me.

You're probably right.

What's your choice, right? You choose
your partner, then you do the dance.

What's the alternative?
Sit the whole thing out?

- No way.
- You can't do that, right?

Mm-mm!

And at the very least, I mean...

you got to dance
the last dance of the season.

Ho-ho!
I'm not sure that's a very good idea.

What? I'm not talking anything carnal,

just a simple box step.

I stay in my dance space,
you stay in your dance space.

Well, maybe that can work.

Except I'm not very good.

Oh, well, me neither.

Here you are.

- Thank you.
- Right where you started.

- None the worse for wear, huh?
- You're right.

Yeah. Thank you.

Really, that was such a great night.

And I appreciate it.

Well, it's not just the music, right?

It's how and when you hear it.

- That's it. Yeah.
- OK. Don't forget your work stuff.

Thank you.

I don't get to say that a lot.

Girls that work at Jumbo's clown room

- don't usually have briefcases and shit.
- (Laughs)

Yeah, I can imagine they wouldn't be
a whole lot of use for that, right?

So, Lew, it's been real.

- Yikes. We're gonna shake hands?
- Yes, we are.

It's my date, my rules, right?

So it was a date?

Uh-huh. Well, any time two people meet
after seven pm, it's a date, right?

My thoughts exactly.
What's wrong with people?

Nobody has the balls to say
they're on a date.

- Sorry, I can't seem to let go of your hand.
- I know.

You kinda, sorta...
remind me of someone I once knew.

I do? You should take her to the Hollywood
Bowl, cos that was such a great date.

- She would love that.
- Maybe I will. I mean, I used to all the time.

- We'd sit in the cheap seats.
- That's so nice.

- If I ever had another chance...
- Right. You'd do it different.

Everybody says that, and it's bullshit
cos you'd do it just the same.

No, no, no, not me, I swear.
I learn from my mistakes.

- You do?
- Totally.

(They laugh)

Oh, my God! You're insane!

Hey, I'm sorry. I lied.

Life's just too fucking boring not to try, OK?

Right. That is true. I will give you that.

Lew, seriously, that was an amazing night.

And let's not ruin it.
I really appreciate it. I had a great time.

OK? Thank you.

- I guess I'll take that if it's all I can get.
- Oh, my God! You're not still trying!

Sorry. Truce.

Yeah, truce. Good, good.
Let's leave on a peaceful note.

- Bang. (Laughs)
- (Engine starts)

Oh, my God.

What are you doing, woman?

You don't have your keys out.
You got all those bags.

You're like one of those victims
in a self-defence instructional video.

What are you doing?

Any deviant could jump out at you at this
point and... then a stranger could be waiting.

- There is a strange guy waiting for me.
- Who? Me?

- Yeah!
- What?

- Are you... Are you stalking me?
- Stalking you?

No, if I was stalking you, I wouldn't
have to ask you where you've been tonight.

Are you asking me that?

You don't have to tell me.

- Good. Cos I won't.
- Don't you want to know where I've been?

Because I have been somewhere tonight.

- No, not especially.
- No, I want to tell you.

Let me just tell you what I did not do, OK?

I went on a date with this
beautiful, amazing woman, no, no!

And I did not have sex with her.

- Not?
- Yeah.

- I cock-blocked myself. I remained chaste.
- Wow!

I kept my eye on the big picture.

- I exercised some impulse control.
- Mm-hm.

Till the moment that you had to get in
your car and drive here and tell me about it?

That impulse I did not control.
I wanted to share that with you.

Well, thank you. I'm gonna...

- I'm gonna go.
- Well...

- Why are you looking at me like that?
- How am I looking at you?

Like you want a reward or something.

You have something?

I have a little biscuit.

- You have a biscuit?
- A little cookie for you.

Hank.

That was very rewarding.

I just had to check to see if I could still
break through that impulse control of yours.

Apparently you can.

Thank God.

- Is Becca really at a friend's house tonight?
- Uh-huh.

She's not with Damien?

- No.
- Come on.

Are you fucking insane?

No, but you obviously are.

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, OK, what do you want to talk about?

Um...

I... You know...

I want to know about your date.

Did you really just shut
that poor woman down?

Just shut her down, yeah.
Just... I was the boss.

- I did kiss her, but I didn't go inside.
- Gross.

- I'm just saying.
- Gross.

But I refrained.

- You refrained from tapping that ass?
- I refrained from tapping that ass.

- Was that a first?
- Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

We still don't know why you were so late
returning to home tonight.

- Big night at the book club, was it?
- Yes.

Did you OD on oestrogen
and had to come home for a little...

- I was actually on a date.
- Oh, Jesus.

That's gross.

- And it was quite fun.
- Now you're disgusting.

- I don't want to hear that shit.
- Yes, you do.

You're gonna hear about it unless you can...

unless you can stop me.

- Can you stop me?
- Mm!

Oh.

What is that?

That's a male member. I thought you'd met.

- No, no, no, no, Hank. That.
- Ow!

What is that?

That's... That's my groin.

It's like a lump or something.

Yeah.

Well, did you always have that?

Hank?

♪ To love you deep into the night

♪ To feel you underneath me... ♪