All language subtitles for Gary Busey Pet Judge s01e05_English

ANNOUNCER: When pets
get in trouble,

the fur flies.

Litigants and defendants know

that when it comes
to pet justice,

there's only one man
they can turn to.

He put the "kangaroo"
in "kangaroo court".

It's the honorable
Gary Busey, Pet Judge.

Pet justice!

JUDGE GARY: Yay!

ANNOUNCER: He claims his religious freedom to handle snakes

was violated.

She says that snakes
have no place in hotel.

Judge Gary will see
if his argument has fangs.

All rise,

the Honorable
Judge Gary Busey presiding.

[GAVEL BANGS]

You may be seated.
Thank you for standing.

It's an honorarium
that we've been going through

since the beginning
of court judges,

and plaintiffs,
and defendants.

And that started
before time began.

So, it's been a ritual

for much longer
than you are old.

Okay.

I'll say it like this.
Your Holiness,
what happened here?

Well, about a year ago,

we started planning
for an annual retreat.

We go an annual church retreat
every year.

This year we decided
we were gonna go to Florida

and see the Gulf Coast.

Everything was cool.

As we were checking in,

I want to be
a man of integrity,

so I mention as a big box

of our faith vessels
enter the room...

Our faith vessels?

Our faith vessels,
which are our snakes.

We brought them in.

I mentioned them quietly
to the clerk there...

Are the snakes alive or dead?

Well, the snakes are alive.
We don't use dead snakes.

I didn't know that, no.
I'm not familiar with it.

Always use the live snakes
in your worship.

But anyway, back to what
I was talking about,

we brought our snakes in...

She hit the ceiling.

She said she was not gonna let
our snakes in her motel room.

Are these snakes poisonous?

Yes, they are poisonous.
That is very Biblical,

have poisonous snakes.

Well, the Bible was written
a long time ago.

Do you still manifest
what the Bible says

about the snakes
to be honorable today?

Yes, I do.

The Bible may have
been written long ago,

but it's still applicable
to today.

As I'm sure you've read,

in Mark 16, it says,
if you follow the Lord,

you can pick up
poisonous snakes

and they will not harm you.

Have you ever tried to do it
with a boa constrictor?

You know what they do?
They squeeze you to death!

Well, they're not poisonous.
They just squeeze you to death.

But when they squeeze you
to death, they're...

they're exhibiting a poison
they have in their power.

Yes, Your Honor, that's true.
But if you follow the Lord,

they cannot squeeze you
to death.

They may squeeze you
out of affection and hug you,

but they will not
squeeze you to death.

If you stop breathing
and throw up

and poop at the same time,

you're getting cleaned out
by the snake.

You are getting cleansed
by the snake.

I agree with you, Your Honor,

it seems that you have studied
the scripture very regularly.

I have, and also,
I know a lot about snakes.

-I grew up in Texas
and Oklahoma.
-Oh.

And that's where
snakes are, uh...

The worst snake
you can be around
is a teenage rattler,

'cause teenage rattlesnakes

have more venom in 'em
than a big guy,

-a big snake, you see?
-Yeah.

But snakes in a motel...

Man. Okay, Katie,

what is the harm
of having snakes in a box?

All right, first off,
Your Honor,

I just want to clarify,
I did not hit the ceiling.

I'm well known for having
kind customer service.

I was put in a position
where I had to weigh

my county-renowned
customer service

with the fact that I didn't wanta bunch of poisonous snakes

roaming around my hotel room.

You mean, the snakes just...

When they get
in the motel room,

you take 'em out of the boxand let them go where they will?

It was just a cardboard box.

It's not a cage...

But they take them
out of the box

and let the snakes
roam around the room.

Yes. They said it was
part of their religion,

and I'm all for
religious freedom,

but that's too far.

Your Honor, let me say
that there was no sign

that said, "No dogs allowed,"

there was no sign that said,
"No cats allowed,"

and there was no sign that said,"No snakes allowed."

We should be afforded
the same rights as a dog owner

if we want to bring
our snakes in

as a dog owner
brings their dog.

Well, he's got
a great point there.

And the sign that says,
"No snakes allowed,"

that keeps them out.

No dogs allowed,
no locusts allowed,

no munchkins allowed, none.

Whatever you don't want
in there, in your hotel,

put the sign up that says
what's not allowed.

I understand, Your Honor,
but I just want to point out

that he never until
arriving at the hotel,

said that he was gonna be
bringing snakes with him.

And all those other pet owners
stated ahead of time

-before reserving their room.
-So this was a surprise.

It was a surprise.
And there was over
30 snakes in that box.

It was a lot of snakes.

-Surprise!
-Sorry, that scared...

-How does that feel?
-Not great.

We have one snake

for every one
of our congregants.

And we are suing her
for refund of our monies

because the housekeeping staff
refused to go in our rooms,

and clean our rooms

because they were afraid
of a little old snake.

-They're afraid...
-JUDGE GARY: Yeah.

Little old snakes
can be bad old snakes

if they bite you properly
and they're poisonous.

Well, if you're following
the Lord like it says,

poisonous snakes
will not harm you.

Well, poisonous snakes
will kill ya.

They may not harm you,
but they're gonna kill you.

Your Honor, my whole...

[SHOUTING] There are
some snakes on this planet

that could bit you,and it's called the two-stepper.

After you're bitten,
you take two steps,

you fall down dead.

That's the purpose in that.

Two-steppin' snakes are...

It's not like a dance.

Well, it could be called
a dance of death.

My housekeeping staff
was afraid to go
on the third floor.

The snakes are poisonous.
I just want to point that out.

JUDGE GARY: Uh-huh.

Is there any way
to muzzle the snakes

that are poisonous,
so the poison doesn't get out?

Well, I guess we could
put a muzzle on them.

But during our worship,

it's important not
to have them muzzled.

Because that shows
that you're close to the Lord

because the poisonous snakes
do not harm you,

and I would imagine
that would mean kill you, too,

if you're interpreting
the scripture properly.

Goodness gracious, that...
[STAMMERS]

I have to interrupt here,

that is a lot of boots
and venom.

A better picture I see
is more boots than venom.

The venom will stop you
from wearing your boots

'cause you'd be dead.

You don't wear boots
in heaven or hell.

That's disputable.

That's disputable?

I think everything I say todayis gonna be disputable with you.

But I don't mind it,

'cause I can see
right through you, buddy.

You're like a piece
of swiss cheese.

You got holes in yourself
I can look right through
to the other side.

And what I see
on the other side

are snakes that used to walk...

until that one snake
gave Eve the apple

from the tree of life,
not the tree of knowledge.

-Uh, I agree...
-They don't walk anymore.

They're slithering
on the ground.

They are slithering
on the ground, but that's...

You're getting a little
off the point here.

The point is, she has
been cruel to my snakes,

she has been discriminatory
against us

for not allowing us
to have snakes in our room

when she allows to have
other animals in the room,

like a dog, or a cat.

Dogs and cats
aren't poisonous, sir.

They're a lot more messy,
Your Honor.

The mess doesn't kill you,
the venom does.

Well, if you stay
out of their way,

they're not gonna
have a problem.

Well, how do you stay
out of a snake's way

that goes where it wants to
when it wants to,
and nobody can stop it?

We just ask him to go
back to his cage.

It's very simple,
you just say,

"Mr. Snake, will you please
go back to your cage

"and sit where you were..."

-Are they trained that way?
-I'm sorry?

Are there snakes trained
that you can go to and say,

"Mr. Snake,
return to your cage now

-"or begone."
-Yes, they are trained snakes.

We wouldn't have a snake
that was not trained.

I mean, we have to handle
these things, you know?

Plus, if you wanna really get
the snake back to the cage,

you just play a little flute.

Your Honor, he is asking a lot
of our hotel guests,

to abide by these rules.

Not everybody just carries
a flute around with them.

I don't think I'd stay
in the motel room
where next door,

there was a rattlesnake,
an anaconda,

and a two-stepper.

Perhaps you should
have clarified that

before you allowed us
to make that reservation.

Perhaps you should put it
on your website.

-I did let you stay.
-Put a snake on the website?

She allowed us to have them
in the rooms,

but they did not
clean the rooms.

I understand
that the housekeepers

didn't want to be in the same
room with the snakes.

Did any of your housekeepers,
employees, or staff members
get bitten?

Well, no one
was specifically bitten

because they requested

to not have to clean
those rooms,

and I honored that request

as on account of the poisonous
snakes roaming around.

Have you thought about
changing the name of your hotel

to The Snake Hotel?

Uh, absolutely not.

-Snake Inn?
-No.

"Snake Inn"?

Snakes don't have to leave
the light on for you.

I have not thought about that.

I will consider it
if you think I should.

Well, that's up to you.

If you want to have snakes
in your hotel rooms,

with normal people,
abnormal people,

athletes, or scholars...

you gotta think about
what the people want.

Well, there were
a lot of complaints
after the third night,

so I made a compromise.

I'm a reasonable person,
I'm very reasonable.

So, we made a compromise,
and I said,

we put the snakes

in an emptied-out hot tub
that we had...

No water in it,
not gonna boil 'em,

but it had a cover.

So the snakes
could go in there

and they would stop popping up
at people's hotel rooms.

Yeah, that's a good point.

That's a good point.

That is animal cruelty,

which I'm also suing for.

She put our snakes
in the dilapidated,

run-down hot tub

with a lid on it overnight.

The snakes would love that.

They love being in the dark
in hot water.

No, they had no water in it.

Every snake I know loves
hot water in a bath.

-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, yeah.

It's like a snake den.

Like, they do that
on their own in the wild.

Oh, boy.

What about
The Snake Tail Six?

Oh, I like that.

-What?
-Snake Tail Six,

for a title for her new hotel.

-Snake Tail Six?
-Yeah.

Yeah, isn't that good title
for her motel, her new one?

Your Honor, I feel like
we're treading on water

that's gonna make my hotel
a snake-specific hotel,

-which is not...
I don't want that.
-Yeah, it will.

Okay, you made your mind up.

-It's your question...
-You made your mind up.

It's very clear to myself,

Mike, and the...

people witnessing the trial.

Now then,

is it Mongeese or Mongooses?

Oh, you're referring to...

Can I just explain real quick?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

So, after they left,
a couple of the snakes

were still remaining
in the hotel.

They didn't round them all up,

because they are given
religious freedom as snakes.

And so I had to hire
and exterminator,

Victor, off craigslist,

to buy a bunch of mongooses

to round up all those snakes.

And I had to pay for that
out of my pocket.

-Your Honor, I want...
-And it's "mongooses."

Wait a minute, she's talking.
Go ahead.

Mongooses is the pluralization.

-That was your question.
-Yeah.

You get made whole
of the mongoose deal.

And Saint Snaky Fingers
here... [WHISTLES]

gets his money back
for the stay. Okay?

And this is what I call...

pet justice!

You're both right,
you're both wrong,

and that's what makes
the world go 'round.

Round your butts outta here.

So you actually get out of here
and go fart in some soup.

I don't care.

I just know I want you
to be happy,

no matter what it takes.

-Thank you.
-Thank you, Your Honor.

Sometimes, it's good
to take corn chowder

and pour it on your genitalia.

[MAN LAUGHS]

Does that apply
to men and women?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

It applies to men and women,
snakes,

dogs, cats, mongooses,
mongeeses, mongoose.

Snakes in motels? No!

Snakes need to find
their own place.

Corn chowder on your genital.

Okay, the trial is over.

You both win. Pet justice.

MIKE: Thank you.

You may leave now.

Okay.

Keep going.
Mjolnir is right outside,
waiting to take you home.

[WHISTLES] Go on!

JUDGE GARY: Yay!

Uh, hello.
You're the snake lady, right?

Uh, I'm not the snake lady.

There are snakes in my hotel.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, do you think

that snakes are
like angry worms?

I suppose you could say that.

They're like large
venomous worms.

Large venomous worms.

And were you happy with
the way your worms turned out?

Uh, to be honest,
I'm not exactly sure
what our ruling was.

At the end, Judge Busey said
that we both won,

and then he also said
that we both lost.

And then he said something
about pouring corn chowder
on our genitals.

-So...
-That sounds like a win to me.

Well, he did say we both win.

I'm just not sure
what we won.

It sounds like you won
some corn chowder.

Is that here in the courtroom?

You'd have to tell me.
I've never had it.

Oh, I just thought
you were official,

'cause your mic has,
like, official logo on it.

I'm official, yeah.
I work for the court,

and I like animals a lot.
What's your favorite?

I like my hotel. I work...

A hotel's not an animal.
I'm an expert.

Oh, my favorite animal?

Yeah, not your favorite hotel.

This isn't Hotel Court
with Gary Busey. I wish.

I'm sorry. I just thought
you meant favorite in general.

Like, things in life.

Oh, no. Favorite animal.

Uh, probably my pet gerbil.

Oh, okay. That's good.

Wow, that... Okay.

-Did you have it in the hotel?
-Oh, no.

I keep all animals
out of the hotel
except some dogs.

But weren't there snakes
in the hotel?

-Uh, yes, but...
-So you didn't do your job.

Well, we allowed them in,

but we're no longer gonna
allow the snakes in the hotel.

Okay, so, can your gerbil
go in now?

No.

Wow. You guys got some
confusing rules at the hotel.

I wish you worked here,
where things make sense.

You want me to bring
my rules here?

No, no, no, no. I don't think
you could work here,
I'm afraid,

but thank you for interviewing.

You're welcome.

I just want you to know
I'm real well-known
for my hospitality.

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Yeah, it doesn't seem like it.

Okay. I... I'm...

Ian Abramson with
Gary Busey's Pet Court.

Hi. Wow, how do you feel about
how the verdict was reached?

Well, I think
it's a sad day in America

when Jezebel and her demons

can kill the faith vessels.

I don't think I've seen
that TV show.

How do you feel about this one?

I'm just kinda
fit to be tied over it,
to tell you the truth.

I mean, it's just
total discrimination

and nobody gives a thing

to thought about
what we want,

and about what religious freedomis in America.

You understand
what I'm saying?

Honestly, no.

But I do...

Do you want me to explain it
to you some more?

Honestly, no. But...

Okay, well, I will.

See, in America,
you have religious freedom.

If you read the scripture
and you can understand it,

that is what you should do.

Hi, I'm Ian Abramson,

and this was
Gary Busey's Pet Court.

I'm telling you, we have
discrimination in America.

JUDGE GARY: Yay!

ANNOUNCER: He claims he was sold the wrong animals.

Hmm.

ANNOUNCER:
But he says, if he had known
they were going to be killed,

he wouldn't have sent them
in the first place.

Judge Gary will decide.

All rise.

The Honorable Judge
Gary Busey presiding.

[GAVEL BANGS]

Thank you.
You may be seated.

[COUGHS HOARSELY]

So Mark says he was sold
bogus animals.

Can you describe that?

I asked for coatimundi,

and he sent me meer rats
or meer cats.

-Cats, cats.
-JUDGE GARY: Meerkats?

Yeah.

And they're disgusting.

Animal breeder,
Bennett, right here,

are you okay, buddy,
with your neck?

Yes, I have
a medical condition.

-A medical condition.
I can see that.
-Yes.

And your scooter's
working okay for you?

-Yes.
-That's good.

-Good for you.
-It's good.

Okay.

Why did you sell Mark meerkats?

The bite of the coatimundi
is very septic, Your Honor.

They carry a form
of toxoplasma gondii.

They're related to raccoons,
and, uh,

this is responsible
for my medical condition,

is being bitten by
the coatimundis
too many times,

and I can't
raise them anymore,

and I certainly don't see

why he would want to expose
himself to that, either

when meerkats
are equally as beautiful.

And that's your reason.

-Yes.
-Okay, thank you.

We have Kleenex?

What do you do
for a living, sir?

I'm a fur bag designer.

I use exotic animal skins,

and I only do high end.

-You do?
-Yes. Only the best.

Only the best.

But I would not have sold
him the skin, Your Honor,

if I knew he was
going to kill them,

-especially my stud kats.
-He knew it.

They were my stud meerkats.

-They were disgusting.
-My assistant...

They were accidentally
sent to him,

and he killed them.

-I asked for coatimundi...
-He killed them.

...not rats.
You gave me rats.

Okay.

Gentlemen, you will not
argue among yourselves.

That's why I'm here.

To cause a balance
of measurement

of your emotional stamina

and your truth serum
that you own in your body.

Okay? Let's be truthful.

Forward.

Let's be truthful.

[CLEARS THROAT HOARSELY]

No, no, look forward.

Yeah, and you stay back there.
We'll dance later.

What do you think
about the outfit
the plaintiff is wearing?

Well, it doesn't look like fur.

These are evil eyes.

I want justice today.

I wore this to get justice.

You think that coat's
gonna bring you justice?

With your help, I think it will.

Okay, good thinking.

We need some shades-ah.

Let me see the pelts.

Can you show me the pelts
in court, please?

-Ugh.
-BENNETT: They're beautiful.

Yeah, put 'em up here.

These are rats.

These are like,
rats with alopecia.

-BENNETT: Those are spectacular.-It's horrible. Disgusting.

-Beautiful examples. Beautiful.
-No, they're not.

They make you look good.

This is the face of the animal,

the body of the animal
and the tail of the animal.

Oh, it's fur. So sweet.

[GASPS]

It doesn't even look real.
What is this?

Is this a kitty cat?

Are these kitty kats?

Meerkats, meerkats.

Oh, that's not a kitty cat.

-It's a sub-Saharan...
-Oh, yeah.

Meerkats.

...marsupial.

They're not marsupial.
Meerkats are not marsupial.

They probably are.

No, you need to shut up.

But you killed them,
and now I can't have them back.

-My stud kats.
-Oh, he killed them?

He killed them.

-They were my stud kats.
-You killed these guys?

-I didn't kill them.
-Yeah, those were my studs.

What was your purpose
of killing the animal?

I preserve the beauty.
I love animal,

that's why I kept the beauty.

But why did you kill them
if you love them?

I can carry them around,

die young and stay pretty,
I guess.

You carry them around dead?

-Dead is beautiful.
-You carry them around alive.

Alive? No, they poop.

-They poop?
-Yeah.

Welcome to Earth, buddy.

You want one?
No, I give a better one.

-We all poop.
-Those are inferior.

It's part of our gender.

-What?
-[BURPS]

I had to burp because
I just said something I liked.

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

Uh, Bennett.

Coat of Many Colors?

Coatimundi?

A coatimundi is an animal.

Coat of Many Colors
is a musical.

-Yeah...
-Like, for Dolly Parton, or...

Well, I...

Dolly Parton song, you know,
Coat of Many Colors?

Yes.

He was making a coat.
That's what he said.

-He wanted to make a coat.
-No.

Dolly Parton doesn't
need my fur.

Hey, hey, hey.

-I'm sorry...
-He didn't say why.

[SHOUTING] Hey!Quit arguing amongst yourselves,

or you'll both lose.

And when you both lose,
there's never a winner.

Winners do what losers
don't want to.

Don't be a loser.

Your Highness,
can I ask you a question?

-Huh?
-I recently saw

a lion rug in your room.

I mean, through TV,
of course.

Um, or maybe an Instagram
that you posted.

What's the story about it?

Story about what?

About a lion rug
in your bedroom.

He said on your Instagram page.

Oh, yeah, it's a picture
of a lion.

-Yeah, you posted.
-I love lions. I'm a Leo.

So I can be a lion
if I want to.

[ROARS]

I love that.

Thank you for the clap.

Did you kill them?
Did you kill the lion pelt,

the lion rug
that I saw on TV?

-No, I didn't kill 'em.
-You didn't kill them.

They came dead.

Oh, okay.

That makes a big difference

when they come dead.
Okay, take these back.

I'm glad to hear everything...

BENNETT: Oh, don't. No.

...that you had to say
about Meerkat Manor...

-BENNETT: Get 'em away.
-...skinning animals...

Who are you gonna give them to?
Who'd they come from?

-You want 'em...
-Who'd they come from?

-They can have one each.
-Give them to him.

No, give them both to him.

That's his little pillow covers
he can sleep with.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I've heard you both.
Thank you for your candor,

and your honesty,
and your truth.

The verdict is this.

I'm ruling in favor
of the weirdo designer,

who gets his 5,800.

But from now on,

he can only workin natural fibers and Naugahyde.

Pet justice. Thank you.

We're adjourned.

You have a good dinner.

There we go, Bennett.

Steer right through
the channel there,

and you'll be in his grace
and prosper.

Slow down, please.

Pull.

Pull.

Pull.

JUDGE GARY: Yay!

Just like the justice system,
you're rolling along.

How do you feel about
the result of this case?

There was no pet justice
served here today.

Uh, that's a little confusing

because there is a verdict.

Uh, and whether you like it
or not, that's justice.

-That's your justice.
-Thank you.

I really appreciate...

That's my favorite part
of the job,

is actually getting to be
part of this justice system.

What's he doing here?

What's this loser doing here?

Uh, he's just lost
a case to you,

and we were discussing
why that's a positive thing

for the justice system.

I didn't win the case.

I lost my career.

I can't really follow
track the movement
of that microphone.

It's out of my peripheral visionmost of the time.

Can you warn me if you're
going to poke it at me again

and ask me one of
your questions? Thank you.

I know what you mean.

Tell you what?
Look. Look at this.

If I wanted squirrel,
I could have shot it myself.

Take it back.

I hope it bite you every day.

Please. Wow. Oh, no.

That is convenient.

As convenient as
your brand of pet justice

that you served up
here today, sir?

Yeah, I think you're...

I agree... We agree a lot today.

I'm agreeing that
Judge Gary Busey

serves it fast,
convenient and just.

Good day, sir.

Thank you. I agree,

It's a great day here.

I'm Ian Abramson
and this is Gary Busey's...

Pet Court.

Justice!

I bid you both adieu,

and I bid you both good luck
in your upcoming events.

But I do decree this
as an order.

Stay away from him,

you stay away from him.

Okay.

I don't understand
a word he's saying.

Do you understand
what he's saying?

Yeah, I understand.
I can read between the lines.

This man is a walking carnival.

Well...

-That's a compliment.
-I mean,
look at that shirt.

-I could ride that shirt...
-I think he likes that.

Anyway, pet justice.

Hey!