All language subtitles for Gary Busey Pet Judge s01e04_English

Next to murder, pet cases

are the trickiest
to try in a court of law.

Luckily, there's one man

who can smell animal
fraud a mile away.

At least it's probably
animal fraud.

And that man is
Gary Busey, pet judge.

Pet justice.

Yeah.

He claims his turtle

is being discriminated
against for being slow.

She says walking a turtle

would put her out of business.

Judge Gary will come
to a speedy decision.

All rise.

The honorable judge

Gary Busey presiding.

You may be seated.

Thanks for being here.

Okay, we have

Annie and Hal.

GARY: Hal, let's start
with you.

Yes, Your Honor.

I have a pet tortoise.

By the name of
Mr. Shelly Berman.

And I would walk

my tortoise more often

but I work as
a closed captioner

which is very long hours.

So, hired a dog walker

who refuses
to walk my tortoise.

HAL: I don't see why.

The tortoise needs exercise

just like a dog does.

Yeah.

Is it... Have we
found any other

places that has
tortoise walkers?

-I haven't.
-GARY: uh-huh.

I looked on Yelp.

Didn't find anything and
then that's where I stopped.

Seems very...

Overshot.

What's your story?

Uh, Well...

I have walked

Mr. Shelly Berman,

and it takes about

four hours on a good day

to go around the block.

So...

That's pretty much
all you need to know.

-Four hours to go around
the block.
-ANNIE: Yeah.

Yes, sir.

So, you actually have...
Do you have a leash
around his neck?

Uh... I tried a leash
around the neck

The neck... it's 'cause it
can put its neck back inside...

-Yeah, it's turtle neck.
-ANNIE: It turned out
to be a bad idea.

He moves very slowly

-So, I don't find it's...
-GARY: Yeah.

-...useful.
-That's tortoise and the hare.

The tortoise moved so slow

and consistently did he beat
the hare in the race.

Right, well,
we're not winning any races.

-Okay.
-ANNIE: Yeah.

-No races.
Just tortoise walking.
-ANNIE: No.

You know, I've never met
a guy named Hal.

Never. I am perusing my mind,

can't come up with anything.

Oh.

Uh... Well, it's...

It's short
for Henry, Your Honor.

Why do you pick
Hal to be short for Henry?

I am a big
Barney Miller fan.

From the '70s.

-Ski filmmaker?
-HAL: It was a cop show.

Situational comedy.

And Hal Linden played the lead.

He seemed like
a striking man...

-Oh yeah, Barney Miller.
-HAL: Yeah.

So, that's where
I chose my name from.

I thought,
"Why can't I be Hal Linden?"

HAL: And now, I half am.

Uh-huh.

GARY: Well, that's fantastic.

-Well...
-MIKE: Is it?

Why...

does walking your turtle
more than five hours a day

seem like a bad thing?

-ANNIE: Uh, Well, sir...
-On a bad day.

It's my means of income.

So, if it takes me four
hours to walk one turtle,

that is a lot of other

dogs and possible animals.
I suppose that...

I do pay her
for her walking.

-But...
-Okay, let's not
interrupt her.

ANNIE: [CLEARING THROAT]
Thank you. Um...

While he pays me,
he pays me at the same rate

that I charge
all the other dog walkers.

I could lap

the turtle 16 times.

What are the health issues?

-Oh, yes.
-GARY: In the turtlelogy.

Turtlelogy for the turtle
to be walking.

I am glad you asked.

-How?
-ANNIE: Because

there's actually
a big health issue

I recently learned about,

that you can
contract salmonella

from a tortoise.

-GARY: Say what?
-Only if you lick it.

-ANNIE: Salmonella...
-Enough, don't talk. What?

Salmonella. You can get
salmonella from a tortoise.

Oh, salmonella. You're not
going to eat the turtle.

Alright.

-No.
-You got to eat some
to get salmonella.

That's not the study I read.

-But still... What If...
-What study did you read?

-One of my dogs licks it?
-GARY: Is it... this licking...

Licking the turtle shell
gives you salmonella?

I don't think the shell,
would it be the face?

So, with all due
respect, Your Honor,

I did not hire her
to lick my tortoise.

HAL: I'd be very upset
if I learned

that she had put
her face on my tortoise.

Would the turtle like it?

He told me that turtle
likes nuzzling.

-Likes what?
-ANNIE: Nuzzling.

Like, you know, little face,
like Eskimo kisses.

And no I did...
I'm not saying I did lick

the turtle. But I got close.

ANNIE: Because that's
what he said and...

It's an interesting
texture, sir.

It sound like a great new
movie, Turtle Licking Tonight,

Or Licking Turtles Tonight.

But we don't wanna
lick turtles.

-That's not a good
thing for turtles.
-[LAUGHING]

No, a-and it's... it's
not even my concern.

It's the other dogs.
They love licking.

They lick me.
They lick each other.

If they lick the turtle,
they could get very ill.

Do all your pets lick you?

All my pets?

Uh... Yeah.

I mean, mostly dogs and cats.

So, you're very lickable
in the pet world.

Whoa.

Uh... Okay.

-Okay.
-MIKE: Ta-Ta.

Where's the,
uh, turtle now?

Uh... I...
He's with me.

-Your Honor, shall I bring
him out?
-GARY: He's with you.

Yes, please.

-Yes.
-Okay.

Great. Going to see the turtle.

HAL: Alright, buddy.

HAL: Here we go.

HAL: Come, buddy. Yeah.

-GARY: It's just beautiful how
things turn out in life.
-Yeah.

-HAL: Here he is.
-Oh, look at that little guy.

HAL: I know.
He is shy.

Yeah, most
turtles are.

Uh, by the way,
I have created something

called skateboarding
for turtles.

Hm. Mike, would you
get the skateboard?

Mike is gonna show you
how the skateboard

works for walking turtles

without having to walk them

five hours around the block.

Put the turtle
on that skateboard

and hold it up to your
sideways so you see the hole.

That hole is for
the turtle to poop.

So, you put the turtle's anus
over the hole

and you strap the turtle
on there with bungee cords.

And then you take the

skateboard in the rope
or the dog leash stretches.

And take the turtle
around the block on that.

It'll be much faster.
It'll be much happier.

And I've also created
a helmet for turtles.

Where they can put
their helmet on,

stick their head
out of their shell,

and be screaming with laughter

as they skateboard
down the sidewalk.

Good?

GARY: You agree?

-Uh, uh, Okay.
-GARY: You agree?

-Demonstrate?
-GARY: Yeah.

-Yeah, put the turtle on that.
-HAL: Alright, buddy.

We're gonna go
for a ride now, buddy.

We're gonna go for a ride.

He loves
safety and speed

so, this would be wonderful.

MIKE: Is the butt right
at the hole?
ANNIE: Oh.

Wow, that's beautiful. See?

Now, you walking the turtle

is gonna get faster done
than you were before.

ANNIE: Yup.

ANNIE: That's a turtle
on the skateboard.
GARY: Yeah.

The turtle's actually
feeling movement.

It's not here like it's going
[VOCALIZES]

He's feeling movement
on the board.

That's a turtle board.

And that's for you.

That's a prototype
of that turtle board.

-Oh... for me.
-Okay, okay.

And the turtle board
is for you

to walk turtles.

Uh... okay.

And it comes at the
price of $80 for me

because I created it.

It's... What?

$80.

-I am paying for the skateboard?-GARY: Yeah, it's yours now.

It's a prototype.

My creation for you
for only $80.

Those things sell
for $550-$800 in the store.

Any turtle store.

But this is
the-the prototype.

Prototype.

There's not one of them
like it in the world today.

420s.

How do you know
it charges $500?

-What?
-ANNIE: Um...

Do you accept cash?

Check?

Cash or check.

Either-or.

You write me a check.
You give me cash.

Now, actually.

-I... okay.
-GARY: It'll be $160
but just do one.

Cash?

-Or check?
-ANNIE: Okay.

-I have...
-And the skateboard is
for you and your turtle.

And you sir, when you
want her to walk the turtle,

you got a bathroom
on that thing.

And the great thing about it,
turtle have a happiness,

when they know when they
poop or pee through that hole,

they're gonna leave
turtle stripes on the road.

So, you can tell
where you're turtle's been.

I dare say that

Mr. Shelly Berman's
about to go

where any tortoise
dare not dream

-and I appreciate
that, Your Honor.
-You're welcome.

My favor is your flavor.

I want you both to
be happy with what

the judge declared today.

And that's what we call

Pet justice.

Yeah.

Go have fun
with your turtle.

-Mine.
-Not my turtle.

Well, go have fun
with your turtle.

-I have to go to work.
-She's gonna be with you

'cause she's gonna be walking
it on the skateboard.

You might wanna drill
another hole in it
and get another turtle.

I've been thinking
about, uh, getting a sibling.

-GARY: Great.
-Come on.

-Okay.
-Did I just lose?

They can find a turtle farm.

GARY: Pet justice.

Yeah.

GARY: Okay.
REPORTER: Okay.

More court people.

How do you feel about

the verdict that was reached?

Feel exonerated
and like we struck a blow

for animal rights
across the globe.

Exonerated and striking a blow.
Is that good or bad?

It's the best possible
news you could get.

Today we learned that

no matter what
animal you are,

you deserve to walk
and be walked

among other animals.

Can I just get a clear
definition on exonerated?

No.

Well, I'll tell
ya how I feel.

Exonerated.

-Hi.
-Hi, hi.

Uh... I uh...

The last guy was really feeling
positive. I hope you do, too.

Uh, no, I lost.

I think.

Wow, how does that
make you feel?

Confused.

Umm...

That was Gary Busey, right?

The other guy? No.
Gary Busey was the judge.

Yeah. No, the judge.

Yeah, judge Gary Busey.
He is really great.
He knows the law.

So, is this legally binding?

You'd have to ask him.
He's the one
that knows the law.

Okay.

You kinda missed your chance.You were just in there with him.

You should...That would have beena great question. He is a judge.

Gary Buse...
Judge Gary Busey.

Okay.

Okay. Umm...

So, what are you up to?

I've to go to an ATM.

'Cause I owe Gary $80.

-Congrats.
-No.

I can tell you congrats.

And I'm going to
'cause this is

Judge Gary Busey's Pet Court.

NARRATOR:
She claims
the monkey she hired

wasn't the one advertised.

He says he never claimed
his monkey was a celebrity.

Judge Gary will figure out
this monkey business.

MIKE: All rise.

The honorable judge
Gary Busey presiding.

You may be seated.

Thank you for coming.

It's a good courtroom and

people are here
for the right reasons.

And I'm sure our
plaintiff and our defendant

are here for the
right reasons.

[SCOFFS]

Oh, oh, this is the monkey?

-Yes, sir.
-May the monkey be with you.

Okay.

I'd like to get to the
story for the plaintiff.

Off the top.

So, Your Honor,
I wanted to make

my daughter Andrea's birthday
really really special.

And her favorite
television show is Friends.

So, I hired,
what I thought,

what I was led to believe

was the monkey from Friends

and the movie Outbreak.

But when the monkey arrived

at the party, it was not
the monkey from Friends.

It was an impostor.

So, I am suing him for $500,

and I'd like for the court
to take away his monkey

'cause he's committing
monkey fraud.

-Huh?
-It was not the same
monkey from Friends.

You know, I never

said it was
the monkey from Friends.

I don't know where
she's getting this from.

That's all lies.

I wasn't finished.

-VICTORIA: Excuse me.
-Oh, you've said
enough, I think.

[MIKE EXCLAIMING]

Let's be kind to each other
while we're in this fray

of who the monkey is.

What the monkey is.
Where the monkey came from.

So, Bon Ogo.

Are you slinging
fake monkeys?

No, sir.

This is not a fa...
It's my monkey.

His name is Marcel.
I have no, uh, I...

It's a coincidence, I guess.

I didn't know Marcel
was a famous monkey name.

I entertain at parties.

If you have an office party,
birthday party,
retirement party,

I'm the guy.
Everybody loves us.

We're great. I...

-don't really know...
-Have you ever thought

getting a monkey sheet
for you and being
Marcel's dad?

I mean, there's all
different ways to
make Marcel happy.

But that might be
too much for party.

Dad-monkey-human
and that Marcel-monkey

Outbreakor Friends,
which is it?

And does it really matter,what show is the monkey is from?

Does it?

Yes, because I paid for Marcel
the monkey from Friends.

-Okay.
-VICTORIA: Otherwise
I wouldn't have paid

as much as I did.

Question: How did you find
this monkey act?

So, his service
was advertised
in the Pennysaver.

And Your Honor,
if I could just say,

my daughter was
absolutely traumatized
by this experience.

The monkey was mean.

It kept trying
to hump the other guests.

VICTORIA: And it had
only one trick.

It kept stealing
beers from the cooler.

[SHOUTING]
No, no, no. That's a lie.

Stop. Right now.

You will not yell
in the court.

GARY: Keep it down.

-GARY: Okay, don't get upset.
-Sorry.

Because this is a
courtroom of truth.

-Okay.
-Well, the truth is

Marcel only has one beer
a day and that's at breakfast.

Your monkey drinks beer?

For breakfast, but just one.

Did you witness the monkey
drinking more than one beer?

Yes, I did. I witnessed
the monkey taking three beers

from the cooler. He brought
one to him and the monkey
had two on his own.

Well, I gotta let you know
something about monkeys

and I know a lot about monkeys.

Monkeys are born horny.

They're born horny.
They wanna reproduce.

-Mm-hm.
-They wanna find out

what happens when
that good feeling comes

and the female squealing.

What happens then?

A baby monkey happens.

You reproduce the world

with monkeys by getting
them excited and horny

and letting them do
what they do.

That's one of the
ways I found out

that it wasn't real
Marcel the monkey.

-What?
-Because if you're
a fan of Friends,

you know that the
real Marcel was

a girl monkey
not a boy monkey.

-Oh!
-VICTORIA: So when he was
humping the other guests

I saw that it
was a boy monkey.

-Please elaborate on that.
-Please.

All that makes no s...

Never mind because
it's not Marcel from Friends.

It's my monkey Marcel.

So, it's your monkey Marcel

who's never been on Friends
and your monkey is male.

Marcel's a female?

The real monkey
that plays Marcel

on television plays
a male monkey

but the real monkey is female.

I see.

Your Honor, which shows has
his monkey been on?

The show that this
monkey has been on

Friendsand Outbreak?

No.

-My monkey is
not a movie star.
-VICTORIA: See...

-Not Friends?
-VICTORIA: This is
what I am talking about.

BON: I don't even
know these shows.

Did you
even make the show up?

-Your Honor...
-No, no that's a true show.

Went very well.

Very well done show.

I've never seen it.

Oh, that's okay.

I watch lots of TV too.
Lifetime, PBS...

-[SHOUTING] Quiet!
-BON: News.

[SOFTLY] Quiet.

That doesn't make it
true if you haven't seen it.

It's called eye witness.

I've seen lots of stuff.
Never saw that.

Oh, well, that's okay.

That's o...
Ignorance is a bliss.

-Yeah.
-GARY: When you
haven't seen the movie

and there's a monkey
in it, you don't know
what the monkey is.

You don't know
what the monkey is,

you don't know
what the monkey's name is.

You don't know if the monkey
is female or male, right?

GARY: You don't know that.
MIKE: Brilliant.

'Cause you cannot reach
in to the television set

and look between the legs

and find out what the...
If it's a girl or boy monkey.

GARY: Can't do that. That's...

You're limited on that one.

That's called a technicology.

A technological bravite.

A technological bravite

is when technology is so brave

and isolated from your
hands or your nose,

that you're not gonna know

anything about the
monkey that's personal.

GARY: That's the key
to that one.

Is there anybody that
can translate here for me?

-I don't speak wacko.
-GARY: What?

What I am saying is
the monkey is on TV,

Friendsor Outbreak.
You can't...

run over there
and smell the monkey.

Look between his legs.

See if he smells, if he has
bad breath, which they all do.

And that's okay. Bad breath
to a monkey is good breath
to other monkeys.

Oh.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

I understand that.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

They do. They stink.

-What you do?
-Monkeys stink.

Monkeys stink.
Yes, they do.

-VICTORIA:
Your Honor, if I can just...
-Yes?

...bring it back around.

This is his advertisement.

This is what he uses to promote

-his monkey business.
-GARY: May I see that?
Could you get that from her?

-It says...
-Ha!

"Wouldn't it be great

"to be FRIENDS..."
Friends is capitalized,

"with Marcel?"

"So much laughter it
could cause an OUTBREAK."

Outbreak is also capitalized.

This is very interesting
advertising you are doing.

Look at that monkey. Wow.

-It's cute.
-GARY: It looks like, uh...

an umpire for the
monkey baseball league.

[CHUCKLES]

So he is clearly lying.

He saw Friends
and he saw Outbreak.

He is leading
people to believe...

-That's true.
-VICTORIA: This monkey
is the monkey from Friends.

'Cause I've seen Friends.
I've seen Outbreak.

This ain't the monkey.

-No.
-GARY: This is not the same...

-What I'm trying to...
-from both the shows.

Friends,TV.
Outbreak,movie.

BON: Well, what
I am trying to say
in the flyer

is "Who
doesn't want to be

"friends with a monkey?"

-BON: Everybody, right?
-Yeah, that's...

-This... Here's the deal.
-BON: And...

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

The question
at hand is,

does that monkey want
to be friends with you?

Yeah, he loves me.

[GARY CLEARS THROAT]

We're great friends.

How'd you know he loves you?
What's he do to show that?

We sit around watching TV.

I give him his morning beer.

-It's the best...
he's the best
-What is his...

...friend I ever had.
Other than...

What are his
favorite shows on TV?

Anything on Lifetime.

-Lifetime?-Movies... He's very emotional.

And then we like to watch, uh,

anything with symphony
music like on PBS.

It's not fair to have
him talk about

this monkey like
it's some nice, kind thing.

-It's not.
-We'll see.

Here's the deal. The defendant
looks at the monkey that way.

GARY: So if...

It could be...

Gender-related
stress response.

Or it could be
something that's not equal

to the measurement
of reality in his brain.

And that's him. That's...

Did you ever have a head injury?

Not that I know of.

Not that you know of.
That's a good answer.

Well.

I'd like to share a story
that I have with you all.

So it'll help us
get on the same raft.

-Same balance.
-Is it a monkey story?

I used to have this
magnificent pressure washer.

No, it's not.

It took care of the driveway,

the side of the house,
the boat trailer,
and my slaughterhouse.

You would not believe

the PSI on this thing.

It could strip the
paint off a spaceship.

And I call her Suzette.

Dustin Hoffman wanders in
one day, in the movie Outbreak.

It was supposed to be
six or seven...

Asked to borrow it
for one of his 9/11

themed garden parties.

I obliged, and haven't
seen Dustin or Suzette since.

GARY: Hmm.

GARY: Marcel. This is avery important, familiar handle.

How'd you come up with that?

The name.

I named him Marcel
after my grandma.

He's lying.
Excuse me.

Marcel is not a feminine
name in the French language.

Marcel Marceau the mime.

-That was a boy.
-I saw him, yeah.

I've seen him.
I've heard of him.

The mime.

But I still named it
after my grandfather.

Okay.

Where's this monkey?

He's here.

Yeah, I'd like to see him.

You sure about that?

Oh yeah, he's part
of the trial. Part of the case.

Well,
he is little agitated today.

Mike?

Would you please go get
me the monkey to see?

That is a first.

You bet, buddy.

You're worthy of all that.

Oh my God, there he is.

Wow.

-[MONKEY SQUEAKING]
-Hello, little monkey!

Monkey have a name?

Marcel.

-[MONKEY SQUEAKING]
-Marcel!

[IMITATES MONKEY]

That's monkey talk.

Oh, Marcel's beautiful.

Bon, have you ever
thought about working
in a carnival with monkeys?

I have. I would love to do that.

Well, this is the reason
he's doing this act.

This is an act.
This is a show, right.

Look at the man's clothes.

GARY: Carnival barker
on the stage.

-[MIKE LAUGHING]
-Come on in. One dime.
One tenth of a dollar.

To see Marcel run on a rope
and pee on a head of a nun.

What's wrong with my clothes?

GARY: Nothing.

This proves to me
what you are.

[MIKE LAUGHING]

Whoa!

Whoa. Whoa.

BON: I told you
that would happen.

-You told him to throw his poop?-BON: He needs his beer.

I didn't insinuate...

Let me tell you what
the word poop stands for.

P-O-O-P.

Pushing Out Old Produce.

GARY: So the monkey just threw

his entree at me.

And I could smell
it when it went by.

So, it's not vegetarian
meat, It's meat.

Oh!

You see, he just went, "Yeah".

He agrees with me.
The monkey agrees with me.

-GARY: He did...
-I'm glad somebody understands.

[GARY SHOUTING]

GARY: Okay, this is easy.

I file for the plaintiff.

-Thank you.
-GARY: Plaintiff's order to
defendant to reimburse.

We're gonna have to have
a lot of Lysol here.

And may God have
mercy on your souls.

Pet justice.

Ah!

Isn't this great?
Aren't you having fun now?

Thank you so much.

Now that you know the outcome

and you both won
in your own stupid way.

The way is not stupid.
The way is not brilliant.

The way is the way.

Court is adjourned.

Thanks for coming in.

Thank you.

GARY: You're welcome.
Thank you.

Thank you both.
Be happy.

Yeah. Look at
that monkey go.

[LAUGHING]

Pet justice.

Ooh, yeah!

You can actually... If you
sniff deep enough, you can
smell the word "ooh yeah".

And it'll enlighten
your gallbladder.

I smelled it.

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Interview time again.

How do you feel...

...about the case?

I think it went great.

I think justice
was served today.

Okay. Uh, and...

Do you think you'll get
more monkeys in the future?

Yes, I probably will.
But I'm gonna...

Look somewhere other than
Pennysaver this time, I think.

A penny saved is
a penny earned?

No, definitely lost
in this case.

So, I am glad
the judge saw in my favor.

Okay. Well.

I hope that next time

you find the monkey
that you're looking for.

Thanks.

Thanks so much.

IAN: Thank you.

Well, the monkey himself.

Sir, how do you feel
about the case?

Well, it went terrible.
I have to pay her back
all the money.

Yeah, but that's justice
and that's fair.

It's justice, right,
that I did what
I was supposed to do

and now I have to give
the money back. I mean

I have to buy things
for the monkey and
I have no money.

But I will abide by

His Honor's ruling

and pay back the money.

I've got $20. Can you
give that to her?

I'll give the rest later.

You're gonna have to give
it to her yourself, I'm afraid.

But I hope that you

find a monkey that
satisfies your customers.

Okay.

IAN: Thanks.

Hi, I am $20 richer and this is
Gary Busey's Pet Court.

Justice.

This is a skateboard

for walking your turtle
back home.

I've created a helmet
for the turtles.

-No.
-So, the head gets out,
you snap that helmet on.

And put him on here. His face
is gonna be out of shell.

He's gonna be "Yeah!"

Screaming into the wind
as he rolls down the hill.

-It's a great thing.
-Yeah,

little chin strap.

I am glad you see the
value of my breakthrough.

And I have this to say:

Pet justice.

Justice.