All language subtitles for Gary Busey Pet Judge s01e02_English

ANNOUNCER:
There's a new judge in town,
the honorable Gary Busey.

He'll be hearing cases
presented by animal owners

who have agreed to have
their pet disputes
settled here.

And there will be blood.

Get on your feet.
It's Gary Busey, Pet Judge!

Pet justice!

Yeah!

ANNOUNCER
She claims her neighbor's dog
defecates on her yard.

They say it's other animals.

Judge Gary
will sniff out the truth.

All rise for the honorable
Judge Gary Busey presiding.

You may be seated.

I like to welcome
you all three
to the court room

to find out what's going on
and fix what's gone

on wrong to what's
gonna be going on right.

-Thank you, Judge.
-I'm very open to that

and I'll listen to everybody
from my heart.

So, let's start
with you, darling.
Did you happen to...

-So... Sorry.
-Can you tell me your story?

So, my neighbors
allow their dogs to defecate

all over my yard, and they
do not pick it up ever.

I've had
friendly conversations,

I've had
terse conversations
with them.

I've put up signs,
I've done everything
in my power

while also respecting
the safety of their dog.

And, um,
it's ruining my life.

I just want to find
a solution to this.

It's ruining your life
in what way?

The poop from the dog?

Yes, Your Honor.

Does it splatter everywhere
or just in...

You know, dogs,
sometimes they have their

sniffing noses, and they
go to the same place to poo.

Is this random poops
or is it poop at that...

in the area they're used to?

Um, some of the defecation
is strategic,

but otherwise,
it's everywhere.

-It's wherever it can fit in.
-It's in its underwear?

No, Your Honor,
it's every...

-Everywhere.
-Yes, Your Honor.

Okay. I didn't know
the last time I saw
a dog wearing underwear

but we'll get to that later.

Okay. You're upset about
the dog pooping everywhere.

-That's correct.
-On your property.

Correct.

This happens a lot?

This happens a lot.

Okay. Your story, please.

Your Honor, I just wanna say
we have a great dog.

We've had that dog
since he was ten years old.

We have trained him very well.

-He stays...
-He's a purebred.

Do purebred dogs have a...

habit when they
go to the bathroom?

Absolutely. You mentioned
the strategic nature

of the pooping,

and we definitely find that

he goes in regular places
at regular times
during the day.

He is let out
at specific times
on a leash.

Now, occasionally,
we do let him run

but his poop is found
in the same spots

in our yard,
and we are equally...

He loves...
He loves my rose bushes.

He usually defecates
by the rose bushes

because I believe
he likes it to smell nice.

He's there all the time.

You know what's interesting
about having a dog
poop in the rose bushes?

You can walk over there
and play Name That Smell.

Whether you smelling roses
or smelling dog poop.

-Yeah.
-MIKE: Good one.

Okay. Now then.

But I would also say
there are a ton
of other animals

in the neighborhood,
other dogs, cats.

So, if you're looking
specifically at our dog

I think, you know,
she's trying to identify it
based on,

obviously, Cooper is
a larger dog,

she's trying to identify it
based on the size.

-You want me to get the dog?
-Oh, yeah!

Good, Mike,
go get the dog.

I don't know where
he's been kept, or why.

Why what?

Why he's been kept
from his parents.

Whose parents?

Us. Oh, hello.
[IN SING-SONG VOICE] Hello.

-Hello, my handsome boy.
-Hi, baby. Hi, baby.

Hi, mama's boy.

Who's the dog's parents?

-That would be us.
-Right here, sir.

-That would be us, Your Honor.
-No, you're not
the dog's parents.

You don't carry dog's sperm,
you don't have dog eggs.

So you can't produce a dog.

I'm unable to have
my own children,

-so my dog is...
-You're unable to have
your own children?

-That's correct.
-What was it like
squirting that dog out?

JT: Well, he's adopted.

It's the same as if
someone were to adopt
a human child, Judge.

Cooper, darling, sit down.

It's okay.
Take the dog out.

-Yes.
-KARA: He's fine.

That's what he said.

Yeah, you take the dog out.
The dog is on trial for his

incredible freedom
of spreading his poop.

We just don't...

We just don't do that.
That's not right.

Is it true that you left
a bag of poop on
the defendant's doorstep?

Yes, Your Honor,
I left a bag of poop
on their front door once.

-Only once.
-What was the consistency
of the poop?

Um, it was...
It was a poop-like consistency.

-Poop-like. Poop-like.
-Huh?

"Poop-like"?
What's poop-like?

No, like, if...

That's like you get some oatmealand say, "What is that?That looks like poop."

Yeah, it's poop-like.

You don't wanna eat oatmeal
that looks like poop.

-I'm sorry, Your Honor?
-Okay.

I know you don't understand
but this burden of proof
is on you.

And that's a high wall
to climb.

-Oh.
-But you can do it.

You can do it, too,
by understanding the balance

of dog poop
in the right area.

In your area.
That's where the dog lives.

That's where the dog,
your child, the dog

has that love from you,

so you must love to see
the dog poop in your yard.

Not take his poop
to somebody else's yard.

Absolutely, Your Honor.
We celebrate

his pooping in our yard
as a sign that he is happy
and healthy.

Yes. Yes.

Let's have the...
Where's the bag of poop?

What?

I was told if I brought
some in, someone could do
a DNA sample.

That's the poop?

DEANNA: I have a...

Why don't you help her
get the poop
on the evidence table?

Mike.

This is not random animals.

I see the brands on the poop
made by the scientists
that checked it out.

It is your dog's poop.

And I can barely smell
the scent

coming from this box.

But I don't wanna play
Name The Smell
with the dog poop, so

-you may return this to...
-[SIGHS]

To the young lady.

There you go.

Canine poop.
Dogs don't mind it.

Dogs smell dogs' poop
and go, "Hey, I know
this guy.

"I met him at a barbecue
three weeks ago in Texas."

Maybe not.

But anyway, their poop
doesn't offend them.

Poop from another dog
onto the lady's yard
offends her.

So, come here, buddy.

Yup, yup, yup.

Come on up here, buddy.
Yeah.

-Wow.
-Right here

is his coat.

We have a wire going
through the coat
and coming out here.

And this pulls
the poop catcher

up under his anus.

Where the poop comes out.

So your dog can run wild
in the streets everywhere.

Up alleys, down alleys
in the yards.

And this poop catcher
will catch his poop.

And then,
when the dog comes home

you go, "Okay."

Stick it back in,
send him off.

And you bury the poop.

This is what you're required
to put on your dog now.

And I invented this.
I'm very proud
to be catching dog poop.

It's a great thing to feel
that you're in control

of the produce your dog
presents out of his anus.

It's fun.

When your dog
poops in this thing,
you got it.

"We got his poop.
We're victorious."

Yeah, take this over,
show it to them.

Keep your hand out
of the dog poop catcher.

Your Honor, I'm going to
have to check with our vet

-and our dog psychologist
about wearing this.
-No, no, no.

-I'm not sure we can do this.
-JUDGE GARY: No.

No, no, that chat
will not happen.

Run the wire
up under the coat.

That seems unsafe.
That's gonna jab him in the...

KARA: We don't have holes
large enough in our yard

to bury all of the excrement.

Okay, I have a new verdict.

I'm fining you both $2,500.

For disparaging the court
and going against

the words and the honor
and the judgment of
this judge, Gary Busey.

It doesn't work that way.

The more you bicker
and feud and bitch,

the deeper the hole
you will be digging
for yourself.

-Yes, Your Honor.
-Thank you, Your Honor.

JUDGE GARY: You're welcome.

Now get that poop contraption
on your dog's butt

and you know who's gonna
be really happy?

The dog!

-[GAVEL BANGS]
-Pet justice!

-Okay, go ahead.
-Honey, grab my bag.

-Um, what do I...
-Eat it.

JUDGE GARY: No,
you won't take that with you.

-KARA: Open the door.
-I've got it.

Another friend of the court.

Hi. [CHUCKLES]

Hi. How do you feel
about the decision?

Um, honestly, relieved.

I feel like
justice was served.

I can use my yard again.

My nephews can use
my slip and slide
without incident.

And, um...
Oh, my gosh.

I can, like, finally deliver,
like I have this huge tub
of just excrement

and it doesn't have to live
in my house anymore.

I can, like,
give it back to them

and I don't have to
think about this anymore.
And it's...

You're gonna give
excrement to your nephews?

-No.
-That's good.

I'm glad that
this all worked out

and that they're not gonna
use that on your yard.

Thank you.

How was it with
Gary Busey, the judge?

Oh, I mean, he was...

He was amazing.
Um, he...

He listened, and he, like,
listened deeper than listening

and he was just there
and it was good.

He was there.
That's good.

Okay. Well,
I hope that you have

a problem with pets
again soon

and that you
have to come back.

[CHUCKLES]
I hope not.

Well, okay then.

We enjoyed having you.

Have a good day.

Wow, more people
to talk about...

To talk about the case.

How do you...
You guys were just
in there, right?

-Yes.
-Were you at the front
or sitting in the seat?

No, we weren't sitting...
We were in the front...

-Yes.
-We were just
defending our dog.

We were brought to court
by our uppity neighbor.

-Okay?
-Yes.

Okay. And were you guys
happy to be here today?

-No!
-No, we weren't happy
to be here today.

Did you see the thing
he wants us to put
on our dog?

I can't believe
we even showed up here.

Some kind of
weird contraption.

There's a cup underneath.

How's the dog
supposed to run.

It looks like a measuring cup
attached to a broken hangar.

It was a measuring cup, honey.

The cup, as in to have...

-Measuring cup?
-I think it was
a measuring cup.

That was a prototype.
Obviously, he didn't go...

-That's disgusting.
-I'm just saying.

-That's disgusting.
-It is disgusting.

How would he want us
to put that on our dog?

-I would not do that.
-We're not going to put that
on our dog.

I'm not putting it
on Cooper.

We're not putting it on
our dog, hon.

I can't tell if you guys
like each other or not.

-We love each other
very much.
-We are madly in love.

That seems like
a disagreement, too.

You seem like someone
who's never been
with a woman.

That's not a question.

-No.
-It's not.

Well, then,
I have nothing to answer.

-Let's get out of here.
Where's Cooper?
-Let's find our dog. Cooper.

I'm Ian Abramson.
I've been with several women

and this is
Gary Busey's Pet Court.

JUDGE GARY: Yay!

ANNOUNCER: He claims
her parrot destroyed his
priceless memorabilia.

She says
birds need to be free.

Judge Gary
will fly in a verdict.

MIKE: All rise.

The honorable
Judge Gary Busey presiding.

JUDGE GARY: Okay.
You may sit down.

No, stand up again.

It's like watching
flowers grow in a garden.

You people are beautiful.
So, now you may be seated.

Wait!
Okay, sit down.

Tell me your story, please.

Let me just
preface this by saying

I'm a big fan
of your work.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Especially Piranha 3DD.

I met the defendant

when she was
my reiki practitioner.

Um, and we developed
a bond pretty quickly.

-What kind of a practitioner?
-Reiki.

Ricky?

Yeah, I didn't know
what it was either.

What is Ricky?

You know, to tell you
the truth, Your Honor,
I still don't know.

I know Ricky Ricardo.

And I know Ricki Lake.

But yeah, it was...
I guess...

She talked a lot
about my chakras.

-You know what I'm saying?
-Rickey Henderson.

I know Ricky Paull.

Um, as I was saying,
we developed a bond,

she told me many things
about my aura.

And you know,
eventually, we, uh...

we moved in together.

She convinced me
that we should

get a parrot
as a surrogate child,
is the way she put it.

And, um, that's when things
started to go south,
Your Honor.

-Started to go where?
-South.

And I don't mean Alabama.

It's a southern parrot?

No, it's just that

the parrot, let's just say
did not respect my boundaries.

Well, you have to respect
the parrot's boundaries first.

Well, I tried to,

but when you bring
a parrot, for example,

into the bedroom,
that's where I drew the line.

Why?

I didn't think that
the parrot should be
part of our sex life.

[SQUAWKS]
Why can't I watch?

Parrots aren't part
of your sex life.

Unless you shove them
in the private places
they don't belong.

Be that as it may,
Your Honor,

the parrot also did
quite a bit of damage
to my...

I have a very
extensive collection
of movie memorabilia.

-Oh, good.
-Yes.

Well, if the parrot's
in the bedroom
with you sleeping,

get the movie memorabilia
out of it.

Oh, no, the movie memorabilia
was in my study.

You don't have any of
OJ's memorabilia, do you?

No. No, I don't.

I have some of yours, though,
from Sharknado 4.

Oh.

But the point is that
the defendant didn't believe

that the parrot should be
in a cage. It believed...

She believed that the parrot
should have free reign
of the house.

And so, the parrot did
a lot of damage
to my personal belongings.

You must understand
what her point of view is
with her mindset.

A parrot lives in the jungle.

Your house is the jungle
for the parrot, not you.

But if you wanna be
with a parrot in the jungle,
you have to learn to

make measurements
and changes, and...

Your Honor,
I live in Bel Air,
not the jungle.

Bel Air's a different
kind of jungle.
That's a concrete jungle.

But inside the house,

you can put palm trees
that aren't living.

You can put gray...
I mean, vines

that the parrot
can sit on.

You can put
a fake stream in there.

Oh, we did a lot of that.

JUDGE GARY: That's all
working for the parrot.

But you don't have
the par... Parallel...

-Prerogative.
-Parental bond

with the parrot
that she does.

-Is that true, honey?
-This is exactly true.

I would agree, Your Honor.

Can I hear you speak
about his controlling actions

on what the parrot can do
and what the parrot
will not do?

Thank you, Your Honor.

As you can tell,
the plaintiff is
quite materialistic.

I brought this parrot in.
It was a rescue.

And I wanted to providethe kind of life for this parrotthat it had never had before.

And so, I wanted it to feel
at home and safe and secure

inside this little
Bel Air abode.

That sounds like a good
operative procedure in
living together with a parrot.

What she wants for the parrot,
what the parrot seems

to want naturally, and desire
and require naturally.

Yeah.

I believe the parrot
was also jealous
of me, Your Honor.

What, jealous of you?
You're a clown

-to the parrot.
-Mmm.

And clown, I'm gonna
take the letters
to spell "Clown"

-and give you what
clown really means.
-Can't wait.

C-L-O-W-N

stands for creating laughter
on Wednesday nights.

[ALL LAUGHING]

So what you wanna do
is make that parrot understand
that every night's Wednesday.

-Ah.
-Parrots are funny, man.

They're funny.

They mainly fly around the room
and poop in the air.

There's a great thing
to get pink pong paddles,

and when the parrot's flying
watch him fly.

Get the ping pong paddle out
and, whoo,

-catch that poop.
-[CHUCKLES] That's crazy.

That way you got poop
on the ping pong paddle,
go to the bathroom,

turn on the water...
[MIMICS WATER SPRAYING]

Wash the poop off,

and got a clean ping pong
paddle and there's
no parrot poop on the floor.

There's all kinds of ways
to live with a parrot.

-RICHARD: Wow.
-Absolutely.

I hadn't considered that,
Your Honor.

Well, good.If you consider that, let it be.

Richard,
what is your occupation?

I'm a film producer,
Your Honor.

-You produce films?
-I have.

What kind?

Money making films.

Okay, are you in
the pornographic industry?

-I am not, Your honor.
-Okay.

Mmm-hmm.

I got a film that I
think of as a money maker.

And it's science fiction.

Perhaps,
we can take a meeting.

When this is over.

-It's like a spaceship
lands on your neighborhood.
-Or not.

But it doesn't look
like a spaceship.

-It looks like a big house.
-Not now.

And when you walk
in the house,
there's no gravity.

So you walk in
and immediately

start floating around.

-Like a bird.
-Like a bird!

Continue.
My head's exploding.

This isn't the last time.
Or will it be the last time
your head explodes?

Anyway, this movie,
this apartment,
everything's no gravity.

You go in the apartment
and your shape changes

to where you have six legs,
six arms.

And you just can reach
and grab anything
and walk really faster.

You know, and it turns out
you can clean that whole
apartment in two minutes.

Because you have
so much appendages

to reach out with
your legs and kicking,

shine and shoot and pop.

And that will make you
the king of all apartments

ever invented
in time on Earth

or any other planets
in this atmosphere.

That is it.

And I can see...
I can see insects

that are as big as limos.

They're coming
up and down the street.

You have to be nice to them,
you've to feed them
certain stuff like oil

and tartar,
steak tartare.

I'm not sure about that.

We'll have to get into thatwith the creative graphic designpeople on the show

and show the audience
what the animals eat.

Right, right.
I'd watch that.

Now, that is going to be

an incredible movie,
especially

when it cuts to black

and Asia's
Heat Of The Moment
starts playing.

That joy you'll receive
from the melody

and the notes
will take you to a place

where I've already created
telling you where
you'll be in the apartment.

It's the power of the mind!

Power of the mind
is wonderful.

And the parrot has a mind.

But it's all stationary,
located only with
and about the parrot.

You gotta give
that parrot freedom.

The parrot has freedom.

Okay.

That's a great movie idea.

Let's have a hand.
Let's have a hand
for the movie idea.

-[ALL CLAPPING]
-[JUDGE GARY WHISTLES]

Thank you very much.

-Thank you very much.
-MIKE: Romance. Romance.

What do you think
about the movie?

Oh, uh...

-What do I think?
[CHUCKLES]
-This is better.

How do you feel
about the movie?

What is the feeling
that the movie makes you think
in terms of making the movie?

To go to theaters,
have a premier?

And have the red carpet.

Yeah. It's...

And get people off the street
and skid row to go down
the carpet.

Then you'll have
a real conglomerate
of the human race.

I'm gonna say
without a shred of doubt

that is a concept.

It's a great concept.

But what we do
with the concept is like
the yolk of an egg.

And you can take
the yolk of an egg
and make it scrambled,

poach it,
Eggs Benedict.

Throw 'em at people,
eat 'em raw.

Add salt, add salsa,
add cottage cheese.

An egg yolk,
there's 360 ways
to eat an egg yolk.

Theaters.

If you put the egg yolk
in the center of a circle

and move around that circle
one degree at a time,

you'll see that same egg yolk
from 360 perspectives.

So, there's so many ways
to see the parrot

in 360 perspectives.

You wanna see it?
Wanna go see the parrot?

-No. They have
the parrot here?
-They have it.

Oh, yeah.
Bring it out here.
Thank you very much.

Get out and get the parrot.

You're gonna love him.

-I already do.
-Yeah.

You guys think alike.

I was once a parrot,
pirate, in a past lifetime.

-I had parrots on my show.
-Sure. I can see that.

I'll tell you what's fun

is drop a parrot
in your pants...

[CHUCKLES]

...when you're itching
and you have nits.

Nits.

And that parrot will go...
[MIMICS PARROT NIBBLING]

and clean you off.

-[SIGHS] Fascinating.
-You got a working parrot.

This parrot can be working
for you in many ways.

What the parrot can do
with his beak and his wings
and his feet

it can really
give you funny massages.

-Especially with
its feet on your back.
-This is true. Yeah.

You gotta watch out
for the feet
with your genitalia.

But we won't go
any further there.

-Yeah, that's a good idea.
-Okay, where's the parrot?

[WHISTLING]

[SQUAWKS]

Toucan Sam in the house.

-Hi, gorgeous.
-JUDGE GARY: There he is.

Look at that
beautiful red bird.

[WHISTLES AND SQUAWKS]

-[WHISTLES AND SQUAWKS]
-ELISABETH: You can say hi.

[IN SQUAWKY VOICE]
I'm pretty. I'm pretty bird.

I'm a very pretty bird.

It's working.

You might wanna cover
any important papers.

He likes to mark them.

Well, your opinions
are out of this case
right now.

-That parrot's a champion.
-ELISABETH: Yes.

What's the parrot's name?

Birdy Madoff.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, wait a minute.
Did I hear that right?
Did you say

Birdy Madoff?

Yes, sir, Your Honor.

Does the parrot have
a natural scheme
to take your money?

I think the bird has
a natural ability
to take your heart.

Oh, that's a good answer.

Birdy Madoff.

That is the best animal name
I have ever heard.

The case is over.

-I rule in favor
of the parrot.
-[GASPS]

-[GAVEL BANGS]
-Pet justice!

Yeah!

Congrats, baby.
We did it.

We did it.

That parrot...
Do you sleep with the parrot?

-Of course.
-Oh.

What part of the bed
does the parrot stay on?

Right by my head.

Well, that's sounding
romantic already.

She watches
over my dreams.

JUDGE GARY: She does?

ELISABETH: No nightmares.

JUDGE GARY: No nightmares.

Ya-ha! Pet justice.
[SQUAWKS]

There you go.

JUDGE GARY: Yay!

Hi. Wow.
How do you feel about

how Judge Gary Busey,

uh, ruled your parrot?

I feel very satisfied.

I feel like there was
really only one way

the verdict could've gone
for me and Birdy.

So just to be clear,
you named your bird "Birdy"?

Birdy Madoff, yes.

Oh. So that'd be like
naming a person Manny.

I guess that is a name. Wow.

We sure do learn
a lot here sometimes.

Yeah.

Okay. Well, thank you
very much for coming

on Pet Court
with Judge Gary Busey.

And I hope that you
and your parrot learn
a lot of new words.

Thank you.

Okay. The other...

The other parrot person,
how do you feel?

The plaintiff actually,
but yeah.

Isn't it pronounced "Parrot"?

[CHUCKLES] You can
pronounce it
however you want.

I did.

I'm relieved is how I feel.

I feel this...
It was the perfect judge
for this case.

Yeah. There is a lot of judges
in the world,

but I think that
Judge Gary Busey,

uh, who specializes
in pets is the best.

The parrot's actually
the victor in this case.

The parrot's name is Victor?
She said it was named Birdy.

Yeah. I know she did.
And it is.

But if you listen,

if you play back the replay
of the judgment,

the judgment was awarded
to the parrot, not to me.

Okay. Is the parrot's name
Victor or is it Manny?

Yes.

Wow. I am Ian Abramson,

and that was
Gary Busey's pet court.

Justice!

[IN SQUAWKY VOICE]
Hello.

[JUDGE GARY WHISTLING]

I'm a pretty, pretty bird.

[WHISTLES]

It's hearing me.
He knows what I'm saying.

-ELISABETH: Yes, he does.
-The parrot does.

-You're very good.
-Thank you.

[WHISTLES]

Loved your movie.

Okay.

This is the epitome
of pet justice being done.

Yeah.

Pet justice.

[GAVEL BANGS]