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This programme contains some strong language
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Coming soon to BBC One,
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award-winning inaudible television in Another Mumbly Drama.
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THEY MUMBLE INCOHERENTLY
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SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
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DISTORTED MUMBLING
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I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying!
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DISTORTED MUMBLING
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Can you say that again...?
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SHE SIGHS
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SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
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God.
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# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
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# Then I grew up and did it again
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# And basically I'm still doing the same show
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# I did in my mother's bedroom and I'll do it till the bitter end
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# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show
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# Tracey Ullman show
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# Let's do the show Let's go
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# Tracey Ullman show
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# Tracey Ullman Tracey Ullman
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# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey
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# Tracey Ullman Show Let's go. #
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Come along, Coriolanus.
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Oh.
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Oh. You want to do your business, do you?
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Well, let's make sure we do it properly, shall we?
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That's it. Pop it in a bag and then, one, two, three...
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Excuse me. Did you do what I think you just did?
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Well, I hardly think that, being a national treasure,
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I would walk this path every day
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and hurl dog eggs into the woodland canopy, just for kicks.
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I'm Dame Judi Dench.
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- I don't care.
- What?
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This is Hampstead, you lot are ten a penny.
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Over there lives Glenda Jackson, Charlotte Rampling, Melvyn Bragg.
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- That's right, he's a sweetie.
- Just because you're a national treasure
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doesn't mean to say that you can do what you like.
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What do you want? Money?
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Or do you want tickets for a limited run by Ken Branagh?
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No. I want you to accompany me to the park ranger's office,
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where you've got some serious explaining to do.
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Excuse me, I'm frightfully sorry.
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- Are you Dame...?
- Yes, yes, I'm Dame Judi Dench,
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and this horrible tabloid journalist is harassing me
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for innocently walking my dog across the heath.
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Scum like you are everything that's wrong with this country.
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Invading the privacy of a woman
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who has given so much to our national life. Who do you work for?
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Is it Murdoch? Is it Murdoch?
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I'll tell you what's going to happen, chump...
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We've got to find this guy.
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The people of Britain might not know what we do, but, by God,
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we've got to do it for them!
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Van moving east on the A401.
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- Matches description.
- Run the number plate.
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Already did, boss. It's a match.
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Rachel, go earn that raise.
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Don't move!
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He moved!
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But I didn't do nothing!
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Tell me what this is.
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It's a card that says, "Sorry you were out."
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I wasn't out. I was in, waiting for my new dishwasher.
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But I pressed the bell three times, on my life I did!
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He's lying. 100 volts.
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Argh! All right, all right, all right.
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Look, I was running two jobs behind and they never give you enough time!
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Carla. I know it's annoying,
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when you're in and they leave one of those cards...
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But, Roger, I took the day off and waited for him.
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But is this what we call proportionate response?
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You're using more resources than the anti-terrorist squad next door.
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Excuse me. Stand down...
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Right. Here's what you're going to do.
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You're going to take the dishwasher back to my house.
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You will open the door using the key under the pot,
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but don't tell anyone that's where I keep it.
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And then you're going to plumb that baby in good
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and take away the old one and all the packaging.
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I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it right now.
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You'd better! Or I'll get a Trident sub to use you as target practice.
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Good work, everyone. But don't think you're getting the afternoon off.
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THEY SIGH
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Because out there somewhere is an Ocado driver
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who left me a blueberry yoghurt instead of a mango one
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when I clearly said no substitutions.
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Cappuccino. And hot.
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I hate it when you give me a lukewarm one.
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And I don't want just foam, I want some actual coffee in there, please.
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And hurry. And, no, don't ask me if I want a muffin.
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I'm more than capable of asking for a muffin if I want a muffin.
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- Name on cup?
- Must we?
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Helen.
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And it's been a great day here at Cheltenham,
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especially for the five or six horses that weren't shot.
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So, that's all from me, Clare Balding,
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and back to you in the studio.
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Great. I know what you're going to say, producer Sue,
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my hair was all over the place.
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It's been so windy, hasn't it?
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Oh! Can I help? Can I groom?
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Oh, you're a majestic creature, aren't you?
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Oh, yes, you are!
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SHE NEIGHS
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Clare, I wanted to go through your diary for the week.
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I'm covering Crufts, skiing, wheelchair diving,
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the Lord Mayor's Show and tennis, and then tomorrow afternoon,
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I'm doing religion, rugby, golf
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and then I'm interviewing Princess Anne about hats.
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I'm worried you're doing too much.
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Oh, whatever gives you that impression, producer Sue?
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Oh! Is that man filming on his phone? Hello. Can I be in it?
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Thanks so much. I'm Clare Balding
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and I'm going to be anchoring coverage
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- on this man's phone for the next...
- Clare.
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Clare, it's just that you're in everything at the moment.
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All the other presenters are noticing.
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Gary Lineker's rung up in tears.
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Oh. Well, it's not as if I'm doing Match Of The Day.
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Although I could, couldn't I, producer Sue?
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Can I do Match Of The Day? I just want to help.
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You're great, but you do a lot and sometimes...
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Oh, God.
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Can I push that buggy?
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That would be helpful, wouldn't it?
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Oh, let me do that.
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Us Baldings have never been afraid to roll the old sleeves up.
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Look at me, producer Sue.
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I'm picking up litter.
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You could make a TV show about tidying up the countryside.
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But who would present it?
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Oh! What about Claire Balding's Great British Rake-Up?
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Oh, gosh, look, producer Sue!
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There's a camera and I haven't even said anything into it yet.
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Hello, I'm Clare Balding,
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and I'm talking to you from the security camera
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- in the stable yard...
- Clare.
- Yes?
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I've ordered a car. I want you to get in it,
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I want you to go home and I want you to get some sleep.
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Yes, I suppose you're right, producer Sue.
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I do have to rest sometimes, don't I?
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All right, driver, you get in the back, don't worry.
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Hop in the back. I'm going to drive.
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Yeah. I'm just trying to be helpful.
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Right, Producer Sue.
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I'll see... Oh, that horse is skittish.
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I'm just going to blow up its nostrils.
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Steady there, I've got this, producer Sue!
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It is alleged that you decanted canine faeces into plastic bags
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and threw said bags into the limbs of the nearby arboreal growth.
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When confronted by PC Harris, you attempted to assault him with a...
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- squeaky toy.
- You know, I don't mean to disparage your colleague,
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but some people make up terrible lies about those in the public eye.
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Judi Dench?
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I've never heard of you.
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Oh, my God. Do you mean it?
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I'm Dame Judi Dench.
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The actor!
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I'm a national treasure.
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- I mainly watch sport.
- You must have seen me in something,
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I'm quite ubiquitous.
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- Mrs Brown?
- I don't know it.
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The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?
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- No.
- The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?
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- No.
- Erm...
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Bond. You must have seen James Bond?
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- Well, yeah.
- There you are.
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But not since Timothy Dalton in Licence To Kill.
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Look, this may be a long shot,
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but did you see me in The Plough And The Stars at the Young Vic in 1991?
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No.
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Then I am lost!
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I wouldn't worry too much about this.
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It is technically a crime, what you did, you know?
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But we don't like the paperwork.
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So, sit still and we'll have you out of here in half an hour.
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Yes, yes.
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It wasn't me.
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3,000 steps.
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3,000 steps so far today.
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- That's good.
- 3,000 steps and it's only lunchtime.
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I got this for Christmas. Well,
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I bought it for myself for Christmas and I can honestly say,
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I can honestly say, I mean, it's changed my life.
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Do you know how many steps you've done today?
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- I don't know.
- Do you know how many steps I've taken?
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3,000, you just said.
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3,000, but do you know how many stairs I've climbed?
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- No.
- Let's take a look, shall we?
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16 flights of stairs.
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16 flights! I don't know how you can bear not knowing.
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- Yeah.
- Oh, God, David, where are you going?
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I'm just going to go make some photocopies.
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Oh, yeah, but all those steps you just took.
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Look, see those? They are just wasted.
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Yeah, but I need to go over here, so...
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Oh, you're such a mug, David.
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- Why?
- If it's not been logged, I mean, why bother?
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I mean, how do you know you're healthy?
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Well, I go to the gym and I do a 5K every weekend,
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so I'm not too bothered about it.
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Jesus, stop going on about it, David. I mean, bloody hell!
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# The Murdoch Bunch, the Murdoch bunch
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# That's the way we all became the Murdoch bunch! #
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Here's lunch!
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Oh, Jerry, that looks delicious!
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Oh, Prudence, call me Mum!
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We're the same fricking age.
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You're all my little chickadees, as far as I'm concerned.
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Look at us here, all under one roof!
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Oh, my heart and womb are just swelling with pride.
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I'm just a little old Texas farm girl at heart.
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Mum, you haven't lived on a farm since 1970.
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Oh, that don't mean you ever get the smell of pig shit
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out from under your nails!
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Hey, Daddy, look.
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Your favourite - barbecued ribs.
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Liquidised, of course.
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I call it a Tex-Mex smoothie.
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Mmm!
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Delicious. Here, give us a smacker!
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Everybody, a toast to my wife.
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She's so much nicer than the last one.
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She was all, "Oh, Rupert,
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"I want a bigger plane! Ooh!"
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Well, I'm more of a bank account half-full type of a gal.
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After all, if it all went away tomorrow,
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I'd still have the static caravan
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that Mick gave me in our divorce settlement.
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It's got a chemical toilet, y'all.
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- Happy anniversary, Dad.
- Yeah, happy anniversary, Dad.
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- I said it first.
- I said it loudest.
- Don't copy me.
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Kids, kids! You're all getting the same amount of money in the will.
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So, shut the fuck up.
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Hey, Rupert, you quit your cussing!
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I'm sorry, Mrs Murdoch.
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I love it when you call me that.
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I know what else you love, you dirty cow!
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Somebody do something!
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Doesn't anybody know the Heimlich manoeuvre?
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My mummy told me that this moment would come and that when it did,
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I should just sit it out.
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You're all as useless as tits on a bull!
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HE GASPS
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Are you all right, Dad?
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Fucking Viagra.
248
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:38,400
My hero. Have another house.
249
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:42,880
Oh, poor baby.
250
00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:45,040
Motorboat it out.
251
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,280
That's it, motorboat it out.
252
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,080
I've had a good life.
253
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:57,280
I know I have, and I'm grateful for it.
254
00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,240
But there's something else.
255
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:01,400
Something I regret
256
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,480
and I've got to tell it before I'm gone.
257
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:06,480
- I've just got to.
- We're listening, Mum.
258
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:11,040
I wish I'd played more Candy Crush.
259
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:18,640
- What?
- What?
- I wish I'd played more Candy Crush on my phone.
260
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:22,080
But, Mum, think of all the other things you've done.
261
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:25,600
You set up a successful business, all that charity work...
262
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,000
Don't make the mistake I made.
263
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,760
Make time for Candy Crush...
264
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:33,800
..while you still can.
265
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:35,800
It won't be long now.
266
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,920
Buy me one of those big things that blows everything up.
267
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:45,960
They're 2.99.
268
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,160
- All right.
- They're too expensive.
269
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:51,640
Angela!
270
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,440
Mein Chancellor?
271
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,040
Vhere are you?
272
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,480
PHONE RINGS
273
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:01,200
Hello?
274
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,160
No, not yet. But I'm following the tracks left by
275
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:05,560
her air-comfort-soled court shoes.
276
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,520
Ja, I think I heard something.
277
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,480
I vill call you back.
278
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,120
SOBBING
279
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:18,320
Oh, Angela, you are eine dumkopf, you are eine loser.
280
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,880
You are eine pariah, you are eine blut alt frau.
281
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,160
You're not a stupid old woman.
282
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:26,880
- Oh, Birgit, leave me alone!
- Oh, Angela.
283
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:30,960
Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you.
284
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,600
Everybody at the Senate is waiting for you to speak.
285
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,720
Oh, Birgit, I had ein panic attacken again.
286
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,560
Oh, it was terrible.
287
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:40,240
I was sweating, sweating,
288
00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:44,040
and everyone was talking over me and Vladimir Putin's mouth was going up
289
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,760
and down, up and down,
290
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,680
I just... I couldn't bear it.
291
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:50,960
Oh, dear.
292
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:54,040
Look at you. Your hair is a mess.
293
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:56,680
There's nothing left of your Born Beige lip liner.
294
00:13:56,680 --> 00:14:00,680
- What's happened here?
- Oh, I was chased by one of the G8 attack dogs.
295
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:04,680
I had to wade through a duck pond and crawl under some barbed wire.
296
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:07,960
I felt like one of the poor refugees.
297
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,840
Birgit, what has happened to me?
298
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:16,400
I used to be the most powerful, sexy, confident, sexy, admired,
299
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:21,840
sexy, sought-after, sexy female politician on the global stage!
300
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:26,920
- And now?
- And now, wass, mein Chancellorette?
301
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,120
# I thought they were my friends
302
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,720
# I thought that we were cool
303
00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:40,840
# Now I'm like the schlummy dummy no-one likes at school
304
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:43,720
# Behind my back they're laughing
305
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,840
# Especially the Brits
306
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:48,680
# They're like, "Angela, whatever."
307
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:51,680
# Those stupid Brexit shits
308
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:56,800
# On the refugees I acted
309
00:14:56,800 --> 00:15:01,360
# The moment when I ask for help they all gang up on me
310
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:05,720
# All on my own
311
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:07,840
# Here I am
312
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,520
# All on my own
313
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,120
# Who gives a damn?
314
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,560
# Ratings at an all time low
315
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:17,800
# Oh, man, it makes me blue
316
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,200
# Oh, Birgit, baby, be a buddy
317
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:26,240
# Tell me vhat to do
318
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,600
# Don't let those schweine get you down
319
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:31,080
# They do not have a clue
320
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,880
# You're the EU anchor EU banker
321
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,240
- # That's why they hate you
- Too true!
322
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:38,920
# We've always worked things out
323
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:42,080
# Since we were oh so small So small!
324
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:47,240
# Dreaming of another life on the right side of the wall
325
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,560
# I used to be so va-va-voom
326
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:52,800
# It all was so light-hearted
327
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:57,520
# Now when I walk into a room it's like, "Mein Gott, who farted?"
328
00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:01,240
# All on my own
329
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,920
- # No, you're not, my Chancellorette
- Here I am
330
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:07,280
- # All on my own
- Nein, nein
331
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,840
# Here I am I give a damn
332
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,320
# Up scheisse creek with no paddle
333
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,120
# They've brought me to my knees
334
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,720
# So now it's just the two of us
335
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:21,440
# And a million refugees
336
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,560
# Enough with all this boo-hoo-hoo
337
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:25,640
# Blow your snotty schauze
338
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,880
# Put on fresh mascara
339
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:29,560
# Get back in there and get...
340
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:31,080
ANGELA BLOWS NOSE
341
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:32,400
# Get them
342
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,400
ANGELA BLOWS NOSE # Get them
343
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,280
- # Who the star?
- Who the star?
344
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,040
- # You the star
- I'm the star
345
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,800
- # You the star
- I'm the star
346
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,680
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
347
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:43,760
# All on my own
348
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,080
# Here you go
349
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:50,120
# All on my own Do you want some?
350
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:54,640
# We will never run away We will never hide
351
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,600
# Get back in there, my Chancellorette
352
00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:02,640
# And kick some EU backsides
353
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:05,400
# Backside
354
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,800
# EU backside. #
355
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,800
Really good session, guys, well done.
356
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,440
Good work today.
357
00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,400
Oh, my God.
358
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,640
- Your ten o'clock's here.
- Oh!
359
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,800
Please, come through.
360
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:31,200
SHE WHISPERS: I'll tell you later.
361
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:35,360
- Hello. How's the week been?
- Not too good actually.
362
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:37,120
Yeah, really quite difficult.
363
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:42,280
Hmm. When you say difficult, have you, just as an example, say,
364
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:46,360
come home to find her in the front room with the dog walker
365
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:50,280
and the dog walker's on the end of the lead?
366
00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:54,240
- No.
- Because that might have happened to the people you just walked past.
367
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,800
You can't have missed them.
368
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,040
She had the roots showing and he had a sweaty nose?
369
00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,240
- I don't...
- What do you think he did?
370
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,720
- Erm...
- I don't.
- Come on, guess!
371
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:05,480
You're there, she's got him into a collar,
372
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:06,720
she's feeding him biscuits.
373
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:10,120
What do you think he does? You'll never guess.
374
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:12,400
- Guess though.
- I can't.
375
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,920
He turns, not to the wife but to the dog walker, and says,
376
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:18,880
"Michael, how could you? I thought this was our thing!"
377
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,240
It turns out the husband's
378
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:24,240
only been carrying on with the dog walker himself, behind her back!
379
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:26,720
So, it all kicks off.
380
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,640
There's a right do.
381
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,960
I've told them to bring the dog walker to the session next week.
382
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,200
Not that it'll help, but I just want to get a look at him.
383
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,000
You know?
384
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:40,360
Anyway. This is your time.
385
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,360
How have the two of you been?
386
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:46,800
I'm sorry, I don't know if I'm comfortable.
387
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:48,800
This is confidential, isn't it?
388
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:52,320
Oh, of course. This is a place of absolute trust.
389
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:55,680
This is a place where you should feel that you can say anything.
390
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:59,440
Because anything you say stays within these four walls.
391
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,040
Why?
392
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,520
What have you been up to? Something grubby?
393
00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:09,360
Oh, come on! It was just one fire extinguisher.
394
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:12,400
Oh, and I took this earlier, but I was going to give it back.
395
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,160
Unbelievable!
396
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:15,680
You'll be charged in the morning.
397
00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:18,440
You're going down for a long time.
398
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,480
You can't do this to me! I'm Dame Judi Dench!
399
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:23,680
I'm a national treasure! Google me!
400
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:27,360
Bing me! Ask Jeeves, if it still exists.
401
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:29,160
Oh, Judi with an I!
402
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,640
Call the Royal Shakespeare Company!
403
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:36,000
Somebody there will vouch for me!
404
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,200
- KNOCK AT DOOR
- Yes?
405
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,560
Erm, are you the doctor?
406
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,200
Are you the police?
407
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,960
- No.
- Then I'm the doctor.
408
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:54,640
How can I help you?
409
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,920
- What happened to Dr Aziz?
- He's on holiday.
410
00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,240
I am the new locum, Dr Paluzzi.
411
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:00,920
I'm a very good doctor.
412
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,400
For 22 years,
413
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:06,280
I was a physician to some of the world's finest sportsmen and women.
414
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:08,560
Now, what seems to be the problem?
415
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:11,680
Well, I've had this pain in my knee for the past couple of months.
416
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,960
OK, Tom. Can I call you Tom?
417
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,560
Well, it's not my name.
418
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,680
Well, you don't always have to use the real name.
419
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,520
Sometimes it's more fun not to, huh?
420
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:22,800
Now, Tom, let me ask you a question.
421
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,520
- Are you a winner?
- I'm not sure what you mean.
422
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:30,520
Tom, Tom, Tom. Tom, Tom, Tom...
423
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,280
who's not wearing a wire.
424
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:33,920
Let us speak frankly.
425
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:37,200
You want to rediscover your competitive edge,
426
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,440
- I want to help you. You know?
- I'd just like a less painful knee.
427
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,360
Oh, sure, sure, sure. That's what the paperwork is going to say.
428
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,560
But if, theoretically,
429
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:50,560
a lot of extra oxygen was to find its way into your blood supply,
430
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,360
this would not be the worst thing in the world, am I right?
431
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:55,000
Well, I'd like to feel better.
432
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,280
Bene, bene, bellissimo!
433
00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:00,000
Now we are speaking the same language, huh?
434
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:03,520
Now, I'm going to give you some tablets on prescription
435
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:06,200
and by tablets, I mean these syringes
436
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:12,280
and when I say on prescription, I mean hidden inside this cola can.
437
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:16,040
- Is this legal?
- In a lot of ways, maybe.
438
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:19,520
It's just a perfectly normal bad knee medicine.
439
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,600
And that is what you tell the papers.
440
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:24,560
And if it turns out that they contain mostly amphetamines,
441
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,120
then I guess somebody must have changed the recipe.
442
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:30,880
The official line is that this is not a treatment you asked for.
443
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,640
This is not a treatment I asked for!
444
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:36,480
Perfecto! Now, you're to take this once a day, with food.
445
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,720
Ideally in a secluded caravan, with the blinds down.
446
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:43,400
And in no time at all, you will feel like you could take on the world.
447
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,600
And in terms of competitive sports, you probably could.
448
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,200
Oh, and you take this for your asthma.
449
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:50,800
I don't have asthma.
450
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,520
Well, not everybody who has asthma has asthma.
451
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:56,680
Some people only think they have asthma, but it turns out,
452
00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:58,960
they just wanted to run faster.
453
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:04,560
Now, all you need to do is sign this confidentiality clause,
454
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:07,120
which I will do for you,
455
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:08,720
and you are good to go.
456
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:15,240
Oh, and Tom, if anybody asks you to pee into a cup,
457
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:17,600
best to get a friend to do it for you.
458
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,280
Oh, Tom,
459
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:25,560
is my next patient what you would call official looking?
460
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,680
Well, he's wearing a suit.
461
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,200
Tell him I moved to Venezuela.
462
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:38,560
Guess where I'm going today.
463
00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,960
I'm sorry, I keep having to tell everyone this.
464
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,800
- Buckingham Palace.
- Oh, fantastic.
465
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,040
Yes, I'm going to meet the Queen.
466
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:47,520
My mum is so proud.
467
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:49,080
Congratulations.
468
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:50,720
I hope you don't mind my asking,
469
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:52,680
but is that what you're going to be wearing?
470
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:55,400
Oh, no! Oh, no. This is just for fun, no, no.
471
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,120
My real outfit's in here.
472
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:06,480
And that is why I believe that independence is better for you,
473
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,840
better for me, better for Scotland!
474
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:46,400
Aye, Nicola. We got her for you.
475
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:48,680
JK Rowling.
476
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:53,240
You arrive before me with all the tedious dreariness
477
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:54,800
of an English summer.
478
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,280
Better an English summer than a freezing Scottish winter,
479
00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:58,920
you horrible cow!
480
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:00,640
Hi-yah!
481
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:03,800
I see you've met my Scottish terrier, wee Mhairi Black,
482
00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:06,080
the MP for Paisley and Renfrewshire.
483
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:10,800
- South.
- But, Mhairi, some tea for our guest!
484
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:13,240
One bag will do for the two of us.
485
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:14,960
Aye, she's canny.
486
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:17,200
- Shortbread!
- No.
487
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:20,320
Aye, it's all avocados and quinoa for you, isn't it?
488
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,120
Heaven forbid you should enjoy anything Scottish.
489
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:25,640
I love this country just as much as you do.
490
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:27,560
Aye, when Edinburgh Festival's on
491
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:30,400
and all your poncey English friends are up.
492
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:32,640
But where are you come February, eh?
493
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,520
Sunbathing in Tenerife in your Hermes bikini!
494
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:37,240
Do you know where me and Mhairi are?
495
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:39,840
We're cutting a hole in the ice in the Firth of Forth
496
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:42,320
and swimming bare breasted beneath the bridge.
497
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:44,520
Now that's love for your country.
498
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:46,480
Look, what do you want?
499
00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:48,320
Calm down, Mhairi.
500
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:52,760
I want you to get on Twitter and tell your seven billion followers
501
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:56,960
that now you're not only a supporter of Scottish independence,
502
00:24:56,960 --> 00:25:00,880
- but Scottish supremacy, too! The screen.
- Aye.
503
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:07,000
Show her Operation Irn-Bru.
504
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:09,800
Imagine a world where the Scots reigned supreme.
505
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:12,480
There's not one landmark that wouldn't look better
506
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:15,280
with a tartan blanket thrown over it.
507
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,840
The Sydney McOpera house.
508
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:21,000
The Sporran of Liberty.
509
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,600
The Taj McMahal.
510
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:26,680
You're mad, Sturgeon!
511
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:30,840
For too long, we Scots have been denied any real power in Government.
512
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:34,480
Apart from the two Prime Ministers, two Chancellors of the Exchequer,
513
00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:37,520
one Secretary of State for Justice, one Lord Chancellor,
514
00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:39,680
one Secretary of State for Trade and Industry
515
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,000
and two Secretaries of State for Work and Pensions
516
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:43,840
in the past 20 years alone, eh, Nicola?!
517
00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:45,760
Wheesht! Mhairi!
518
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:49,720
Now, get tweeting, or wee Mhairi will bellow her maiden speech
519
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:52,200
to parliament in your ear. Again!
520
00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:56,720
Thank you, Madam Deputy Speaker...
521
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:59,120
NICOLA LAUGHS MANIACALLY
522
00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:02,240
MUSIC: Scotland the Brave on bagpipes
523
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,600
And I ended up staying there for three months.
524
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:13,600
- Do you travel a lot?
- Well, not as much as I'd like, you know, because,
525
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:16,200
it's a bit difficult, isn't it, being single?
526
00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:19,680
- Very true.
- But I did go to Sicily last year with a group
527
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:21,880
and we had a wonderful time.
528
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:23,160
Oh, I love Sicily.
529
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:24,400
The climate, the history,
530
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:26,840
the quiet strolls through the hillside villages.
531
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:28,640
Popping into a little church somewhere.
532
00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:31,240
I love churches. And the wine.
533
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:33,280
Speaking of which, shall we have another bottle?
534
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:36,000
Oh, yeah! Why not?
535
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:38,560
Italy is such a wonderful country.
536
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,400
And as a Christian, I always...
537
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:42,240
Can we have the bill, please?
538
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:46,920
I thought we were going to have another...
539
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:49,680
It's just that I remembered I've got an early...thing.
540
00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:51,920
Is it because I mentioned I'm a Christian?
541
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:53,560
No. Did you? No.
542
00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:56,720
Because I know Jesus isn't very sexy and it bothers some people.
543
00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:59,120
Well, not me, I was brought up a Christian.
544
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:01,520
- Oh, you were?
- I'm not one now, obviously.
545
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:05,120
It's all right.
546
00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:07,120
Look, I should go.
547
00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:14,960
Is everything all right, sir? I hope it wasn't anything that we...
548
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:17,680
Turns out she's a bloody Christian.
549
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:20,040
I'll get you a brandy - on the house.
550
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,920
Bloody hell, it's you, isn't it, from Downton?
551
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,520
Yes, it is.
552
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:34,840
Dame Penelope Wilton.
553
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:37,240
Well, it's been most inconvenient to be brought here,
554
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,080
I was in the middle of a rehearsal.
555
00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,000
Oh, Maggie!
556
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,680
Thank God you're here! They've convinced themselves
557
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:46,600
that I've committed some sort of criminal infraction.
558
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:49,640
Of course, I told them I could have done no such thing.
559
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:53,240
I'm beloved by the nation, like Buckingham Palace, Blackpool Tower,
560
00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:54,760
Butlin's at Bognor.
561
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:56,960
But they just wouldn't listen.
562
00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:59,040
Well, Madam, do you know this lady?
563
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:02,840
I've never seen her before in my life.
564
00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:04,360
But it's me, Judi!
565
00:28:04,360 --> 00:28:06,720
We did the Marigold Hotels together.
566
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,560
Yes, and I got second billing.
567
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,880
You can't do this to me!
568
00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:14,160
Oh, I think I can.
569
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:16,560
I'm a national treasure.
570
00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:19,320
Maggie, no! Maggie...
571
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:22,520
Maggie, please!
572
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:25,000
Don't leave Judi! Maggie!
573
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:27,280
CHEERING
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