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1
00:00:01,654 --> 00:00:04,722
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,101 --> 00:00:08,420
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,471 --> 00:00:11,890
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,957 --> 00:00:14,843
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,927 --> 00:00:18,463
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,514 --> 00:00:21,650
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,718 --> 00:00:23,251
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,319 --> 00:00:24,703
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,771 --> 00:00:27,739
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 10x15 ♪
Burning Down the Bayit
Original Air Date on March 4, 2012
11
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:35,832
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
00:00:36,532 --> 00:00:39,115
Oh, my God, Brian, I went
to a baby rave last night.
13
00:00:39,118 --> 00:00:40,218
Dropped a
Flintstones chewable.
14
00:00:40,286 --> 00:00:41,453
It was a purple Betty.
15
00:00:41,521 --> 00:00:42,654
I was flyin'!
16
00:00:42,722 --> 00:00:44,106
I was up till
like... like...
17
00:00:44,173 --> 00:00:45,640
I don't even
know how late.
18
00:00:45,708 --> 00:00:47,893
Like, when I came home,
The Mentalist was still on.
19
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:48,994
Like, that's how late.
20
00:00:49,062 --> 00:00:50,412
Morning, family.
Anyone needs me,
21
00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:52,981
I'll be out in the yard
using my new riding mower.
22
00:00:53,049 --> 00:00:54,850
A riding mower?
For God's sakes,
23
00:00:54,917 --> 00:00:56,952
stop making all these
frivolous purchases.
24
00:00:57,019 --> 00:00:58,553
You just blew
all that money
25
00:00:58,621 --> 00:01:00,806
hiring that English-
to-raccoon translator.
26
00:01:00,873 --> 00:01:02,674
(whispering
inaudibly)
27
00:01:02,742 --> 00:01:04,176
(chittering)
28
00:01:04,243 --> 00:01:05,877
(angry chittering)
29
00:01:05,945 --> 00:01:07,646
Don't need a translator
for that one.
30
00:01:07,713 --> 00:01:09,915
Tell him to come back when
he's ready to act like an adult.
31
00:01:14,253 --> 00:01:15,654
Hey, what's up, Quagmire?
32
00:01:15,721 --> 00:01:17,522
Oh, there's the
sound of the birds.
33
00:01:17,590 --> 00:01:19,024
I thought they
all disappeared,
34
00:01:19,092 --> 00:01:20,959
because all I could
hear was a lawnmower.
35
00:01:21,027 --> 00:01:22,094
Oh, and what's that?
36
00:01:22,161 --> 00:01:23,428
The wind in the trees!
37
00:01:23,496 --> 00:01:24,696
Good-- that
still exists.
38
00:01:24,764 --> 00:01:26,465
What are you doing there,
planting some flowers?
39
00:01:26,532 --> 00:01:28,600
Hey, look, why don't you
go bother Joe, huh?
40
00:01:28,668 --> 00:01:30,335
I can't. He's in Vegas
for the weekend,
41
00:01:30,403 --> 00:01:32,370
seeing that handicapped
Cher impersonator.
44
00:01:40,463 --> 00:01:43,231
Yeah! We all want
to turn back time!
45
00:01:43,316 --> 00:01:46,218
This is the biggest
sitting ovation I've ever seen!
46
00:01:49,188 --> 00:01:51,022
Damn it, where the hell
did I put that?
47
00:01:51,090 --> 00:01:52,307
What are you
looking for, Brian?
48
00:01:52,375 --> 00:01:54,059
That steak bone you
gave me last night.
49
00:01:54,127 --> 00:01:56,161
I can't remember what
the hell I did with it.
50
00:01:56,229 --> 00:01:57,512
Didn't you
bring it outside?
51
00:01:59,749 --> 00:02:00,415
(clattering)
52
00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:02,083
(screams)
53
00:02:02,151 --> 00:02:03,885
Holy crap! Quagmire,
you all right?
54
00:02:03,953 --> 00:02:05,320
No, I'm not all right!
55
00:02:05,388 --> 00:02:07,189
My head's gushing
blood, you idiot!
56
00:02:07,256 --> 00:02:08,523
Take your hand away.
57
00:02:08,591 --> 00:02:11,626
Oh, boy! All right,
hold still, Quagmire.
58
00:02:11,684 --> 00:02:12,526
(screams)
59
00:02:12,551 --> 00:02:14,476
Oh, my God, a piece
of your brain came out!
60
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:15,831
Aah! Well, that
can't be good!
61
00:02:15,898 --> 00:02:17,299
Well, maybe
it's not so bad.
62
00:02:17,366 --> 00:02:19,251
I can feed it
to my pet zombie.
63
00:02:19,318 --> 00:02:20,752
Here you go.
64
00:02:20,820 --> 00:02:22,654
Yeah, you're hungry,
aren't ya?
65
00:02:22,722 --> 00:02:24,005
He was a rescue.
66
00:02:24,073 --> 00:02:26,675
When I found him,
he was just walking face-first
67
00:02:26,742 --> 00:02:28,376
into a chain-link fence
downtown.
68
00:02:32,448 --> 00:02:34,232
All right, almost
done here, Glenn.
69
00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:36,168
There we are,
all finished.
70
00:02:36,235 --> 00:02:37,936
Well, look at this.
71
00:02:38,004 --> 00:02:39,804
Look what happened.
(chuckles)
72
00:02:39,872 --> 00:02:42,276
Well, by the laws of
comedy, you and I have
73
00:02:42,277 --> 00:02:43,454
to be roommates now.
74
00:02:43,459 --> 00:02:45,577
That's hilarious, Doc.
All right, here we go.
75
00:02:45,645 --> 00:02:48,063
Now, I'm going to prescribe
a course of antibiotics
76
00:02:48,130 --> 00:02:50,615
and some painkillers and...
77
00:02:50,683 --> 00:02:52,017
Hey, Elmer.
78
00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:54,186
Hey.
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00:02:54,253 --> 00:02:55,787
She sucks.
80
00:02:59,675 --> 00:03:01,359
Okay, Quagmire, before
we get your prescription,
81
00:03:01,427 --> 00:03:02,594
let's grab some bandages.
82
00:03:02,662 --> 00:03:04,462
God, this is such
an East Coast pharmacy.
83
00:03:04,530 --> 00:03:06,810
How are we gonna find
gauze and bandages in the
84
00:03:06,835 --> 00:03:07,999
middle of all this crap?
85
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,023
Uh, I think he keeps them
next to the thousand-piece
86
00:03:10,048 --> 00:03:11,248
puzzle of a lobster trap.
87
00:03:11,304 --> 00:03:13,705
I don't see it. You mean,
next to the Kadima paddles,
88
00:03:13,773 --> 00:03:16,508
or next to the basic black
sweatshirt with no writing on it?
89
00:03:16,576 --> 00:03:18,072
No, I think they're over
there between the rain
90
00:03:18,097 --> 00:03:19,678
ponchos and the cap guns
91
00:03:19,679 --> 00:03:21,379
and just below the
balsa wood gliders
92
00:03:21,447 --> 00:03:24,049
and the net-bag of flip-flops
and a beach pail.
93
00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:25,262
Above the set of jacks?
94
00:03:25,287 --> 00:03:28,220
Yes, above the jacks and the
bicentennial playing cards
95
00:03:28,221 --> 00:03:30,655
and across from the giant
cage with the beach balls,
96
00:03:30,723 --> 00:03:33,191
next to the Wiffle ball bats
and the spark-spitting cars.
97
00:03:33,259 --> 00:03:36,127
I don't... Oh, next to the
wax bottles of weird juice.
98
00:03:36,195 --> 00:03:39,164
Yes, behind the plastic bag of
Mexican soldiers from the Alamo
99
00:03:39,232 --> 00:03:40,932
and the Super Elastic
Bubble Plastic.
100
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,367
Oh, yeah, I got 'em.
101
00:03:42,435 --> 00:03:43,702
Hey, Mort.
How's it going?
102
00:03:43,769 --> 00:03:45,186
Oh, it's awful, Peter!
103
00:03:45,254 --> 00:03:46,087
Why? What's the matter?
104
00:03:46,155 --> 00:03:47,556
The pharmacy's going under.
105
00:03:47,623 --> 00:03:49,391
I can barely pay my bills.
106
00:03:49,458 --> 00:03:51,760
I can't even afford
the real pharmacy music.
107
00:03:51,827 --> 00:03:54,079
That's just me up there. Listen.
108
00:03:54,146 --> 00:03:56,074
MORT (a cappella):
♪ If this is it, ooh, wah,
109
00:03:56,099 --> 00:03:58,340
please let me know ♪
110
00:03:58,851 --> 00:04:02,587
♪ If this ain't love,
you better just say so ♪
111
00:04:02,655 --> 00:04:04,089
♪ If this is it... ♪
112
00:04:04,156 --> 00:04:06,424
They say I've got
Jewish honey in my voice.
113
00:04:06,492 --> 00:04:08,093
Jewish honey is mucus.
114
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:09,644
But I thought you made
a lot of money here.
115
00:04:09,712 --> 00:04:11,813
I used to,
but it's all gone downhill
116
00:04:11,881 --> 00:04:13,415
since Muriel died.
117
00:04:13,482 --> 00:04:15,584
She could get away
with overcharging people,
118
00:04:15,668 --> 00:04:18,103
because they were always
mentally undressing her
119
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:19,537
and then re-dressing her
120
00:04:19,605 --> 00:04:21,840
once they saw
the horrible mess underneath.
121
00:04:21,907 --> 00:04:24,576
But in that interval,
she robbed them blind.
122
00:04:24,644 --> 00:04:27,412
(sobbing)
123
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:28,847
Ooh.
124
00:04:28,914 --> 00:04:30,081
Well, look, uh,
I don't know,
125
00:04:30,149 --> 00:04:31,316
maybe there's
something we can do
126
00:04:31,384 --> 00:04:32,784
to help you drum up
some business.
127
00:04:32,852 --> 00:04:33,885
You know, get
the word out.
128
00:04:33,953 --> 00:04:35,020
Like what?
129
00:04:35,087 --> 00:04:37,272
Hey, you just
leave that to us.
130
00:04:37,340 --> 00:04:39,174
(lively pop music playing)
131
00:04:39,241 --> 00:04:42,477
(register ringing
in rhythm with music)
132
00:04:42,545 --> 00:04:45,447
♪ ♪
133
00:04:47,550 --> 00:04:49,417
(rhythmic ringing
and music crescendo)
134
00:04:49,485 --> 00:04:50,552
(music stops)
135
00:04:50,620 --> 00:04:53,688
(register ringing rhythmically)
136
00:04:53,756 --> 00:04:55,707
Is opening and closing
the cash register
137
00:04:55,775 --> 00:04:57,642
a bunch of times
helping business yet?
138
00:04:57,710 --> 00:04:59,511
- No.
- Okay, then we'll do other stuff.
139
00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:03,181
Okay, Mort, now, if you
want to get more customers
140
00:05:03,249 --> 00:05:05,116
in your pharmacy, you're
gonna have to do a promotion,
141
00:05:05,184 --> 00:05:07,152
like... like
"buy one, get one free."
142
00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:09,154
- What?
- Buy one, get one free.
143
00:05:09,221 --> 00:05:10,455
- Huh?
- Buy one...
144
00:05:10,523 --> 00:05:12,257
- Yeah, I get that.
- Get one free.
145
00:05:12,325 --> 00:05:14,492
- Is that, like, a Spanish word?
- No, it's English.
146
00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:15,631
The whole thing's English.
147
00:05:15,656 --> 00:05:17,194
Oh, 'cause it seems
like you're saying
148
00:05:17,196 --> 00:05:19,931
the first part in English
and then some kind of made-up
149
00:05:19,982 --> 00:05:21,850
pha-lumpf-phalumpf
or something in the second part.
150
00:05:21,917 --> 00:05:23,204
I don't understand you.
151
00:05:23,229 --> 00:05:25,169
All right, let me try
explaining it another way.
152
00:05:25,171 --> 00:05:26,871
Let's say we're at
someone else's store,
153
00:05:26,939 --> 00:05:29,641
and there's a sign, and it says:
"Buy one, get one free."
154
00:05:29,709 --> 00:05:31,176
Get one free? Wow!
155
00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:33,011
What store are
you talking about?
156
00:05:36,465 --> 00:05:39,267
Excuse me, I have been
waiting for my prescription
157
00:05:39,335 --> 00:05:40,769
for 25 minutes!
158
00:05:40,836 --> 00:05:42,671
Oh, I'm really sorry,
Ms. Dumott.
159
00:05:42,738 --> 00:05:45,006
We'll have that filled
for you right away.
160
00:05:45,074 --> 00:05:47,375
Guys, what the hell's
going on back there?
161
00:05:47,443 --> 00:05:50,395
Remember, each pill has
to go into the correct bottle.
162
00:05:50,463 --> 00:05:52,781
(mechanical whirring)
163
00:05:54,016 --> 00:05:56,634
Eh, this ain't so hard.
164
00:05:56,686 --> 00:05:58,853
(whirring rises in pitch)
165
00:06:01,140 --> 00:06:03,808
(whirring increases in pitch
as conveyor belt speeds up)
166
00:06:06,912 --> 00:06:09,114
(whirring intensifying)
167
00:06:13,485 --> 00:06:14,919
(vomits)
168
00:06:14,987 --> 00:06:18,089
(woozily): I...
I got a wicked boner.
169
00:06:18,157 --> 00:06:19,307
(thudding)
170
00:06:23,045 --> 00:06:24,345
This was a great
idea, Peter.
171
00:06:24,430 --> 00:06:25,714
We fly this thing
over Providence,
172
00:06:25,798 --> 00:06:27,498
it's bound to get people
into the pharmacy.
173
00:06:27,550 --> 00:06:29,100
That's right, bring
in the city folk
174
00:06:29,168 --> 00:06:31,169
with their big money
and their long cigarettes
175
00:06:31,220 --> 00:06:33,054
and their dogs with shoes.
176
00:06:33,139 --> 00:06:34,193
Hey, check it out--
177
00:06:34,218 --> 00:06:36,315
we got a giggity over
there on the 32nd floor.
178
00:06:36,508 --> 00:06:38,560
I'm gonna go in
for a closer look.
179
00:06:39,862 --> 00:06:42,614
QUAGMIRE:
Heh-heh, all right!
180
00:06:42,681 --> 00:06:44,515
(gasps)
Quagmire, look out!
181
00:06:44,567 --> 00:06:45,817
Oh, no!
182
00:06:49,155 --> 00:06:50,822
Geez, that was a close one!
183
00:06:50,873 --> 00:06:52,424
Yeah, but at least
nobody got hurt.
184
00:06:55,027 --> 00:06:56,861
(tires squealing)
185
00:06:59,165 --> 00:07:00,765
(clattering)
186
00:07:00,833 --> 00:07:03,334
(burbling)
187
00:07:03,402 --> 00:07:05,370
Goldman's Pharmacy!
188
00:07:05,438 --> 00:07:09,541
Now, that could be a good place
to get new shoes for my dog.
189
00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:16,314
Good evening, Quahog.
190
00:07:16,382 --> 00:07:18,583
Grim details continue
to roll in at this hour
191
00:07:18,651 --> 00:07:20,985
in the story of the detached
airplane advertising banner
192
00:07:21,053 --> 00:07:23,755
which caused a school bus to
plummet into the Pawtuxet River.
193
00:07:23,823 --> 00:07:24,956
That's right, Joyce.
194
00:07:25,024 --> 00:07:26,825
Quahog's own Goldman's Pharmacy
195
00:07:26,892 --> 00:07:28,559
made headlinesacross the country
196
00:07:28,611 --> 00:07:32,363
after a banner of theirs causedthe bus to drive off a bridge,
197
00:07:32,414 --> 00:07:34,449
tragically killingall the teenagers on board.
198
00:07:34,533 --> 00:07:36,534
Many of the studentstweeted about the accident
199
00:07:36,585 --> 00:07:37,836
as it was happening.
200
00:07:37,903 --> 00:07:39,087
We have a few here.
201
00:07:39,171 --> 00:07:40,955
From @Jenny94:
202
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:43,475
"Water seriously cold, yo."
203
00:07:43,542 --> 00:07:46,194
Here's @TheTed69:
204
00:07:46,262 --> 00:07:49,380
"I'm gonna survive this.LOL jk."
205
00:07:49,448 --> 00:07:51,115
"Jk," indeed.
206
00:07:51,183 --> 00:07:52,717
Oh, God, I'm ruined!
207
00:07:52,785 --> 00:07:55,186
Nobody's ever gonna shop
in my pharmacy again!
208
00:07:55,254 --> 00:07:56,554
I'm gonna lose
everything!
209
00:07:56,622 --> 00:07:58,423
Aw, gosh, Mort,
I feel terrible about this.
210
00:07:58,491 --> 00:08:00,809
I wish there was
some way we could fix it.
211
00:08:00,876 --> 00:08:03,077
You know, my cousin
had the same problem,
212
00:08:03,145 --> 00:08:06,030
but he lucked out, 'cause his
business burned to the ground.
213
00:08:06,098 --> 00:08:08,466
The insurance made him
a very rich man.
214
00:08:08,534 --> 00:08:10,735
(chuckles) Too bad we can't
just torch the pharmacy.
215
00:08:10,803 --> 00:08:12,470
Aw, come on, no,
we can't do that.
216
00:08:12,538 --> 00:08:14,239
That'd be like stealing
from the insurance companies.
217
00:08:14,306 --> 00:08:15,306
It wouldn't be right.
218
00:08:15,374 --> 00:08:16,541
Aw, they're bastards.
219
00:08:16,609 --> 00:08:19,077
Last year, after I lost
my beloved Muriel,
220
00:08:19,144 --> 00:08:22,514
our life insurance company
refused to pay on her policy.
221
00:08:22,581 --> 00:08:24,983
They took what should have been
a pleasant experience
222
00:08:25,050 --> 00:08:26,818
and made it into an ordeal!
223
00:08:26,886 --> 00:08:28,386
Well, that doesn't
totally surprise me.
224
00:08:28,454 --> 00:08:30,488
A friend of mine
staying in my house
225
00:08:30,556 --> 00:08:32,190
got, um, injured,
226
00:08:32,258 --> 00:08:35,260
and my homeowner's insurance
wouldn't pay her doctor bills.
227
00:08:35,327 --> 00:08:39,163
Said the policy didn't cover
an "act of rod."
228
00:08:39,231 --> 00:08:41,332
Yeah, come to think of it,
they wouldn't even pay
229
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,568
for the fetus Lois lost
when we went to visit
230
00:08:43,636 --> 00:08:45,970
the Museum of Staircases
and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves.
231
00:08:46,038 --> 00:08:48,239
Yeah, you know, they don't seem
to pay out on anything.
232
00:08:48,307 --> 00:08:50,308
- No, not at all, right?
- Yeah, that's true, they don't pay.
233
00:08:50,376 --> 00:08:52,243
Well, then I say,
screw the bastards!
234
00:08:52,311 --> 00:08:53,778
Let's burn
the place down!
235
00:08:53,846 --> 00:08:56,214
What?! Peter, we're talking
about a major crime here.
236
00:08:56,282 --> 00:08:59,167
This is not smuggling Oriental
women into the country in steel cans.
237
00:08:59,235 --> 00:09:00,702
This is a serious felony.
238
00:09:00,769 --> 00:09:02,403
Quagmire, this whole
mess was our fault.
239
00:09:02,471 --> 00:09:03,838
We got to make it right.
240
00:09:03,906 --> 00:09:05,740
And, look, as long
as nobody sees us,
241
00:09:05,808 --> 00:09:08,192
and we don't tell anybody,
then we're in the clear.
242
00:09:08,260 --> 00:09:11,029
Well, I guess I did kind of
destroy your business, Mort.
243
00:09:11,096 --> 00:09:13,231
All right, then let's do it--
tomorrow night!
244
00:09:13,299 --> 00:09:15,376
Good. I'm just gonna
have to reschedule my
245
00:09:15,401 --> 00:09:17,095
weekly re-circumcision.
246
00:09:17,303 --> 00:09:19,437
So, what are we doing today,
a little off the top?
247
00:09:19,505 --> 00:09:20,788
Yeah, but leave
a little up front
248
00:09:20,856 --> 00:09:22,473
so I have something to play with.
- Sounds good.
249
00:09:22,541 --> 00:09:24,058
(unzips zipper) And take a look
at the back.
250
00:09:24,126 --> 00:09:25,193
- You see that there?
- Yeah.
251
00:09:25,261 --> 00:09:26,694
Yeah, let's trim that.
I don't know when
252
00:09:26,762 --> 00:09:28,062
that started, but
let's get rid of that.
253
00:09:31,267 --> 00:09:32,667
Okay, guys, listen up.
254
00:09:32,735 --> 00:09:34,469
This is a very
flammable mixture
255
00:09:34,536 --> 00:09:36,004
that's also
undetectable.
256
00:09:36,071 --> 00:09:39,073
If we put it on the electric box
and two of the outlets,
257
00:09:39,141 --> 00:09:42,460
then light them all at once,
it'll look like a short circuit.
258
00:09:42,528 --> 00:09:44,662
Geez, Mort, how the hell do
you know how to do all this?
259
00:09:44,730 --> 00:09:46,431
Oh, it's all covered in
the Torah.
260
00:09:46,498 --> 00:09:48,666
Right after the chapter on
writing complaint letters
261
00:09:48,734 --> 00:09:51,202
that will result in
compensatory merchandise.
262
00:09:51,270 --> 00:09:53,504
Dear stuffed shirts
at Ritz Crackers.
263
00:09:53,572 --> 00:09:56,608
A chain is only as strong
as its weakest link.
264
00:09:56,675 --> 00:09:59,661
Just as a box of crackers
is only as appealing
265
00:09:59,728 --> 00:10:01,946
as its least intact sleeve.
266
00:10:02,014 --> 00:10:04,248
I am paying
for fully formed crackers,
267
00:10:04,316 --> 00:10:05,984
not butter crumbles.
268
00:10:06,051 --> 00:10:08,252
I don't buy your product
with broken quarters;
269
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,688
don't stick me
with broken pieces of cracker,
270
00:10:10,756 --> 00:10:12,357
you miserable dicks!
271
00:10:12,424 --> 00:10:14,726
Regards, Mort Goldman again.
272
00:10:23,085 --> 00:10:26,004
All right, let's get to work.
273
00:10:26,071 --> 00:10:28,006
♪ ♪
274
00:10:42,972 --> 00:10:45,189
(explosion)
275
00:10:45,257 --> 00:10:46,808
Oh, my God, we did it!
276
00:10:46,875 --> 00:10:48,626
Hey, Peter, what
are you gonna tell Lois
277
00:10:48,694 --> 00:10:50,111
when she asks
where you were tonight?
278
00:10:50,179 --> 00:10:51,913
Don't worry, I got
it all covered.
279
00:10:51,981 --> 00:10:53,848
(harsh braying)
280
00:10:53,916 --> 00:10:55,950
(screeching bray)
281
00:10:56,035 --> 00:10:58,369
Ha-ha!
This is awesome!
282
00:10:58,437 --> 00:11:00,538
And Peter has no idea!
283
00:11:08,273 --> 00:11:10,557
Well, Mr. Goldman,
we've ruled out foul play.
284
00:11:10,625 --> 00:11:13,077
It looks like it was just
a case of faulty wiring.
285
00:11:13,144 --> 00:11:14,912
Well, you're still gonna
have to buy something.
286
00:11:14,980 --> 00:11:16,814
This is rubble,
not a library.
287
00:11:16,881 --> 00:11:19,416
Okay, well...
I'm sorry for your loss,
288
00:11:19,484 --> 00:11:21,018
but the good news is
your insurance
289
00:11:21,086 --> 00:11:23,503
will be covering
all of your damages.
290
00:11:23,555 --> 00:11:26,256
You hear what he said, fellas?
Looks like we pulled it off.
291
00:11:26,324 --> 00:11:27,658
Yeah, for now.
292
00:11:27,726 --> 00:11:28,892
I still got a
bad feeling.
293
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,561
He's gonna find something,
I just know it.
294
00:11:30,628 --> 00:11:32,763
Will you relax?
We got an ironclad alibi.
295
00:11:32,831 --> 00:11:35,532
We were all seeing The Beatles
live at The Ed Sullivan Show.
296
00:11:35,617 --> 00:11:39,036
(song ends,
audience screaming)
297
00:11:39,904 --> 00:11:40,888
(screams)
298
00:11:40,955 --> 00:11:42,723
PETER:
Sorry. I rode a bike here.
299
00:11:45,994 --> 00:11:48,862
All right, guys, all we got
to do now is keep a low profile
300
00:11:48,930 --> 00:11:50,898
and not mention a word
of this to anybody.
301
00:11:50,965 --> 00:11:52,399
Not even the police.
302
00:11:52,467 --> 00:11:53,901
That's right,
not a word to anyone.
303
00:11:53,968 --> 00:11:56,536
Nobody.
Lips are sealed.
304
00:11:56,588 --> 00:11:58,522
I want to tell somebody.
305
00:11:58,590 --> 00:12:00,024
- Peter!
- You shut your mouth!
306
00:12:00,091 --> 00:12:02,242
Hey, Mort, I, uh,
was really sorry
307
00:12:02,310 --> 00:12:03,410
to hear about
the pharmacy.
308
00:12:03,478 --> 00:12:04,978
Oh, thank you, Joe.
309
00:12:05,046 --> 00:12:06,780
I was very,
very sorry, too.
310
00:12:09,150 --> 00:12:10,401
Yeah, he seemed pretty smart.
311
00:12:10,468 --> 00:12:12,870
His shirt was tucked in,
so I bet he went to Harvard.
312
00:12:12,937 --> 00:12:14,304
Well, you're my
friend, Mort.
313
00:12:14,372 --> 00:12:16,407
I want you to know that
I'm going to personally
314
00:12:16,474 --> 00:12:17,708
go over all
the evidence.
315
00:12:17,776 --> 00:12:19,209
I'd hate to think
there's someone in town
316
00:12:19,277 --> 00:12:20,344
who's out to get you.
317
00:12:20,412 --> 00:12:21,945
Hey, Joe, they said
it was an accident.
318
00:12:22,013 --> 00:12:23,530
- Roll away.
- No, I'm just saying,
319
00:12:23,598 --> 00:12:25,199
as your friend, I
wouldn't feel right
320
00:12:25,266 --> 00:12:27,000
unless I left no
stone unturned.
321
00:12:27,068 --> 00:12:28,702
Geez, Joe, let it go.
322
00:12:28,770 --> 00:12:31,438
Yeah, Joe, even Robocop
took a day off once in a while.
323
00:12:33,274 --> 00:12:36,043
(phone ringing)
324
00:12:36,111 --> 00:12:37,111
Nope.
325
00:12:37,178 --> 00:12:38,345
(turns ringer off)
326
00:12:41,716 --> 00:12:44,218
I don't like Joe sticking
his nose into this.
327
00:12:44,285 --> 00:12:45,786
Maybe this was all
a big mistake.
328
00:12:45,854 --> 00:12:47,137
You're damn right it was.
329
00:12:47,222 --> 00:12:48,856
Why did I ever
agree to do this?
330
00:12:48,923 --> 00:12:50,174
This isn't who I am.
331
00:12:50,241 --> 00:12:52,376
I looked in the mirror
this morning, and it was like
332
00:12:52,444 --> 00:12:54,428
I was looking at a man
I'd never seen before.
333
00:12:54,496 --> 00:12:55,963
Hi.
334
00:12:56,030 --> 00:12:57,781
Scott Bakula.
335
00:12:57,849 --> 00:12:59,016
Just take it easy, Quagmire.
336
00:12:59,084 --> 00:13:00,417
There's nothing to worry about.
337
00:13:00,485 --> 00:13:02,086
(knocking)
JOE: Hey, it's Joe, open up.
338
00:13:02,153 --> 00:13:02,986
(all gasp)
339
00:13:04,205 --> 00:13:05,639
Uh, hey, Joe.
340
00:13:05,707 --> 00:13:06,707
What's going on?
341
00:13:06,775 --> 00:13:08,325
Oh, hey, I forgot,
I brought you guys
342
00:13:08,393 --> 00:13:10,277
souvenirs from
my trip to Vegas.
343
00:13:10,345 --> 00:13:14,281
They're T-shirts that say
"I lost my shirt in Lost Wages."
344
00:13:14,349 --> 00:13:17,184
(laughing)
345
00:13:26,094 --> 00:13:28,078
I think maybe
you should keep them.
346
00:13:28,146 --> 00:13:29,663
All right,
I'll see you guys later.
347
00:13:29,731 --> 00:13:32,716
I got to go see the forensics
team about the pharmacy.
348
00:13:32,784 --> 00:13:34,735
Don't you worry, Mort.
349
00:13:34,803 --> 00:13:37,437
We'll get to the bottom of this.
350
00:13:37,505 --> 00:13:38,772
I don't like
this, you guys.
351
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:39,990
This is bad.
352
00:13:40,058 --> 00:13:41,842
Joe's gonna find out,
I just know it.
353
00:13:41,910 --> 00:13:43,310
Geez, Quagmire,
you need to relax.
354
00:13:43,378 --> 00:13:44,812
And I know
how to help.
355
00:13:44,879 --> 00:13:46,847
Calgon,
take him away.
356
00:13:46,915 --> 00:13:48,782
(harp arpeggio)
357
00:13:54,172 --> 00:13:55,789
QUAGMIRE: This is
worse, Peter!
358
00:13:55,857 --> 00:13:58,158
Relax, this is supposed
to be your time.
359
00:13:58,226 --> 00:14:00,327
This is the right way to
deal with your problems.
360
00:14:03,898 --> 00:14:05,833
All right, guys,
if Joe really is nosing around,
361
00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:09,069
I think I know how to get him
off the case once and for all.
362
00:14:09,137 --> 00:14:10,220
(dialing)
363
00:14:10,288 --> 00:14:11,455
JOE: Hello?
364
00:14:11,523 --> 00:14:13,524
Officer Swanson,
this is the chief of police.
365
00:14:13,591 --> 00:14:14,925
I'm afraid
you're fired.
366
00:14:14,993 --> 00:14:17,394
I see. Well,
that's too bad.
367
00:14:17,462 --> 00:14:18,829
I was looking forward
368
00:14:18,897 --> 00:14:21,165
to giving you
your birthday present next week.
369
00:14:21,232 --> 00:14:22,666
Oh.
370
00:14:22,734 --> 00:14:23,951
Apparently,
there was a mistake.
371
00:14:24,018 --> 00:14:25,285
Forget I called.
372
00:14:25,353 --> 00:14:27,704
Guys, I got to become chief
of police by next week.
373
00:14:30,124 --> 00:14:33,193
Chief, this just came in
for you from Officer Swanson.
374
00:14:34,512 --> 00:14:37,047
A Starbucks gift card?!
375
00:14:37,115 --> 00:14:39,433
This has been
an unproductive use of my time.
376
00:14:41,636 --> 00:14:43,103
Okay, I got it.
377
00:14:43,171 --> 00:14:45,105
Joe can't investigate
if he's distracted, right?
378
00:14:45,173 --> 00:14:48,592
Well, what's more distracting
than texts about dinner plans?
379
00:14:48,660 --> 00:14:51,361
Hmm. These burn ignition
patterns aren't consistent
380
00:14:51,429 --> 00:14:53,330
with an electrical fire.
381
00:14:53,398 --> 00:14:55,365
(phone chirps)
382
00:14:55,433 --> 00:14:57,534
"Would... love to."
383
00:14:57,602 --> 00:14:59,720
(phone chirps)
384
00:14:59,787 --> 00:15:05,525
"Probably...
about 7:00... or 7:30."
385
00:15:07,078 --> 00:15:09,112
(phone chirps, Joe sighs)
386
00:15:09,180 --> 00:15:11,114
"Any... of...
387
00:15:11,182 --> 00:15:14,017
those places would be... fine."
388
00:15:14,085 --> 00:15:15,819
(phone chirps)
389
00:15:15,887 --> 00:15:18,188
God! No way!
390
00:15:18,256 --> 00:15:20,173
"I don't know
391
00:15:20,241 --> 00:15:23,493
"Probably just
a collared shirt
392
00:15:23,561 --> 00:15:25,512
"and jeans.
393
00:15:25,579 --> 00:15:27,681
"Have you never been
394
00:15:27,748 --> 00:15:31,501
to... a restaurant before?"
395
00:15:31,569 --> 00:15:32,869
Oh, he's getting annoyed.
Look at that.
396
00:15:32,937 --> 00:15:35,422
He sure is. Okay, now
tell him you want a vegan place.
397
00:15:35,490 --> 00:15:36,857
(phone ringing)
398
00:15:36,925 --> 00:15:38,558
Oh, my God,
he's so pissed, he's calling.
399
00:15:38,626 --> 00:15:39,960
- Well, answer it.
- No, no, no.
400
00:15:40,028 --> 00:15:41,995
I'm gonna send it to voicemail,
then call him back,
401
00:15:42,063 --> 00:15:43,880
but pocket-dial him
while I walk a few blocks.
402
00:15:43,948 --> 00:15:45,782
JOE (muffled,
from Peter's phone): Peter?
403
00:15:45,867 --> 00:15:47,784
Peter? Hello?
404
00:15:47,869 --> 00:15:50,070
I'm getting
very little work done!
405
00:15:53,691 --> 00:15:55,592
You guys, I just can't
take this anymore.
406
00:15:55,660 --> 00:15:57,461
I've been giving it
a lot of thought,
407
00:15:57,528 --> 00:15:59,496
and I think
we all just need to confess.
408
00:15:59,564 --> 00:16:00,931
What? Now just
hold on, Quagmire.
409
00:16:00,999 --> 00:16:02,633
If you start yapping
to the cops,
410
00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:05,035
we're gonna rot in prison
for the next 30 years.
411
00:16:05,103 --> 00:16:06,203
JOE:
Evening, gentlemen.
412
00:16:06,271 --> 00:16:07,721
(all gasp)
Joe!
413
00:16:07,789 --> 00:16:09,022
Glad I found
you here.
414
00:16:09,090 --> 00:16:11,224
I had a question
for you guys.
415
00:16:11,292 --> 00:16:13,377
Did any of you happen
to be at Mort's pharmacy
416
00:16:13,444 --> 00:16:14,845
on the night of the fire?
417
00:16:14,912 --> 00:16:16,113
- No.
- None of us were.
418
00:16:16,180 --> 00:16:18,215
I'm triplets. Could have
been one of my triplets.
419
00:16:18,283 --> 00:16:20,284
I see. Well, then
it's kind of peculiar
420
00:16:20,351 --> 00:16:21,818
that I would
find this.
421
00:16:21,886 --> 00:16:23,687
A pocket-dial
voicemail from Peter
422
00:16:23,755 --> 00:16:25,455
on the night
of the fire.
423
00:16:25,523 --> 00:16:28,558
PETER: Oh, my God, look at that fire
we started, Quagmire and Mort.
424
00:16:28,626 --> 00:16:30,560
You know
who I don't miss is Joe.
425
00:16:30,628 --> 00:16:33,063
That's a piece of evidence
that hurts all of us.
426
00:16:33,131 --> 00:16:35,999
You three are under arrest for
burning down Goldman's Pharmacy.
427
00:16:36,067 --> 00:16:39,303
Well, the pocket-dial giveth,
and the pocket-dial taketh away.
428
00:16:39,370 --> 00:16:40,937
You'll never take me alive!
429
00:16:41,005 --> 00:16:42,706
Aren't you gonna run?
430
00:16:42,774 --> 00:16:45,876
I would, but I don't want
my gym teacher to laugh at me.
431
00:16:45,943 --> 00:16:48,362
He's been following me around
since junior high.
432
00:16:48,429 --> 00:16:50,464
Watch this.
Watch this Jewish kid run.
433
00:16:56,966 --> 00:16:58,967
First, I have to read you
the Miranda rights
434
00:16:59,035 --> 00:17:00,435
for Jewish people.
435
00:17:00,503 --> 00:17:03,004
You have the right to remain
silent, even though you won't.
436
00:17:03,072 --> 00:17:05,841
You have the right to infer an
insult where none was intended.
437
00:17:05,908 --> 00:17:07,375
What's that
supposed to mean?
438
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:10,195
You have the right to a lawyer,
who you are probably related to.
439
00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:11,563
This interview
is over.
440
00:17:13,232 --> 00:17:15,133
What were you dointhe night
of March 8th?
441
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:16,601
(Bleep) your mother.
442
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:17,969
Come on, man,
that's not cool.
443
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,138
Oh, yeah? Maybe this
is cool enough for you.
444
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,073
(farting)
445
00:17:22,141 --> 00:17:23,175
(blows)
446
00:17:23,242 --> 00:17:24,876
It's gonna take
a lot more
447
00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:27,078
than a fart in my
face to make me...
448
00:17:27,146 --> 00:17:28,847
Whoa! Whoa.
449
00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:30,816
Yeah, and there's more
where that came from.
450
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,018
(straining)
451
00:17:33,085 --> 00:17:34,553
(sighs)
No, there isn't.
452
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,589
Where were you
the night of the fire?
453
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:39,591
- I was at the movies.
- What did you see?
454
00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:40,959
- No Strings Attached.
- How was it?
455
00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:43,328
- Sucked.
- Okay, that checks out.
456
00:17:43,412 --> 00:17:45,881
Boy, that Ashton Kutcher
sure was a cad
457
00:17:45,948 --> 00:17:47,349
in that movie, wasn't he?
458
00:17:47,416 --> 00:17:48,683
Yeah, totally.
459
00:17:48,751 --> 00:17:50,252
Wrong! He had
a heart of gold.
460
00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:51,753
You're going down.
461
00:17:55,141 --> 00:17:57,175
- Your husband's in here, ma'am.
- Lois!
462
00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:58,743
Peter, what's going on?
463
00:17:58,811 --> 00:18:01,112
Is it true? Did you really
burn down Mort's pharmacy?
464
00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:02,547
Hi, Lois. Hi.
465
00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:04,816
Look, Lois, we were just trying
to help Mort.
466
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:07,185
Peter, how could you do this?
You have a family.
467
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:09,087
Did you ever stop
to think about us
468
00:18:09,155 --> 00:18:11,790
before you did something that
could send you away to prison?
469
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:15,260
(sighs) For once, could you visit me
in jail and not criticize me?
470
00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:16,795
Wait a minute.
471
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:18,997
This isn't Carvel,
you lying bitch.
472
00:18:19,081 --> 00:18:20,215
All right,
that's enough.
473
00:18:20,283 --> 00:18:21,983
Visiting time
is over.
474
00:18:22,051 --> 00:18:24,202
You know you guys are
gonna do time for this.
475
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:26,304
Come on, Joe. You're really
gonna put us away?
476
00:18:26,372 --> 00:18:27,839
You think I
want to do this?
477
00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:30,876
You know how hard it's gonna be
for me to make new friends?
478
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,511
Hey, do you think Chris is
old enough to be my friend?
479
00:18:33,596 --> 00:18:35,697
Old enough? Yes. But I wouldn't
bark down that alley.
480
00:18:35,765 --> 00:18:37,232
You frighten him.
481
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:39,634
He thinks you're a Transformer
that broke halfway through.
482
00:18:39,702 --> 00:18:41,369
I get that a lot.
I understand.
483
00:18:41,437 --> 00:18:42,637
Look, Mort was
in trouble.
484
00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:44,573
We-we were just trying
to help him out.
485
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:47,142
Well, insurance fraud is not
the way to help somebody out.
486
00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:49,978
Listen, Joe, insurance agencies
are all scumbags.
487
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:51,346
They deserve to get hurt.
488
00:18:51,414 --> 00:18:52,781
You don't decide that.
489
00:18:52,848 --> 00:18:54,349
What you did is
against the law.
490
00:18:54,417 --> 00:18:55,550
It's easy for you, Joe.
491
00:18:55,618 --> 00:18:56,851
You don't know what it's like
492
00:18:56,919 --> 00:18:58,320
to be screwed over
by an insurance company.
493
00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:00,155
Oh, I don't, do I?
494
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:02,791
Well, let me tell you
a little story.
495
00:19:02,858 --> 00:19:05,760
It was hours after my accident.
496
00:19:05,828 --> 00:19:08,029
I was barely consciouson the operating table,
497
00:19:08,097 --> 00:19:10,932
but I'll never forget the phonecall that changed my life.
498
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:14,636
Hello, I'm calling on behalf of
your policyholder, Joe Swanson.
499
00:19:14,704 --> 00:19:16,738
He's badly injured his spine.
500
00:19:16,806 --> 00:19:18,340
Well, there's
a new procedure that,
501
00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:20,075
if administered immediately,
502
00:19:20,142 --> 00:19:22,077
should restore
his ability to walk.
503
00:19:22,144 --> 00:19:24,646
$200,000.
504
00:19:24,714 --> 00:19:27,248
We also have a wheelchair.
505
00:19:27,316 --> 00:19:29,618
$60.
506
00:19:29,685 --> 00:19:31,653
Okay.
507
00:19:31,721 --> 00:19:34,105
They're going with "B."
508
00:19:34,190 --> 00:19:36,658
Those sons of bitches
made it about money.
509
00:19:36,726 --> 00:19:38,627
Yeah, Joe.
So, what do you say?
510
00:19:38,694 --> 00:19:39,928
They didn't
care about you.
511
00:19:39,996 --> 00:19:41,429
Why should you
care about them?
512
00:19:41,497 --> 00:19:43,498
The thing is,
513
00:19:43,566 --> 00:19:45,767
you guys committed a crime,
514
00:19:45,835 --> 00:19:48,269
and I've still got the evidence
to prove it.
515
00:19:48,337 --> 00:19:49,871
Too bad I lost it.
516
00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:51,873
FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
Message deleted.
517
00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:55,143
Was that... was that supposed
to mean something?
518
00:19:55,211 --> 00:19:56,978
Yeah, I'm letting
you guys go.
519
00:19:57,046 --> 00:19:58,446
Oh. Oh, well,
that's great.
520
00:19:58,514 --> 00:19:59,948
Yeah, I didn't
get that, either.
521
00:20:00,016 --> 00:20:01,666
Yeah, why didn't you
just say that?
522
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:03,435
I'm starting to regret
erasing that message.
523
00:20:03,519 --> 00:20:04,719
Too late, butt-face.
524
00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:06,338
Have a great summer, Joe.
525
00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:12,610
Peter, I don't
understand
526
00:20:12,678 --> 00:20:14,579
how they just
let you out of jail.
527
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:16,982
Yeah, Joe had all kinds of
evidence against you guys.
528
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,883
Seems like a huge
miscarriage of justice.
529
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,719
I thought if you do
something wrong,
530
00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:22,220
you're supposed
to get punished.
531
00:20:22,288 --> 00:20:24,239
(laughing):
Oh, Chris, not if you're white.
532
00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:26,708
Well, now that I've wrapped
things up with you guys,
533
00:20:26,776 --> 00:20:29,411
I better wrap things up
with my basement family.
534
00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:31,246
Well, did you guys
learn your lesson
535
00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:32,681
about eating
uncooked antelope?
536
00:20:34,116 --> 00:20:35,734
(hisses)
537
00:20:35,759 --> 00:20:39,759
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
40091
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