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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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# Family Guy 10x13 #
Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream
Original Air Date on February 12, 2012
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00:00:31,447 --> 00:00:35,447
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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00:00:35,647 --> 00:00:37,014
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,
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and the reason I'm wearing
this mask is because
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00:00:39,183 --> 00:00:41,585
we've got a Make-A-Wish
kid in the studio tonight,
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00:00:41,653 --> 00:00:43,587
who, as you'll find out
as the show goes on,
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00:00:43,655 --> 00:00:45,122
is quite a cougher.
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00:00:45,189 --> 00:00:48,001
In local news, Mayor West
signed a bill today...
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See? That's-that's
what I was talking about.
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00:00:53,780 --> 00:00:54,620
Are we gonna get that,
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00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,471
or are we gonna wait
for commercial?
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00:00:56,539 --> 00:00:58,674
No, no, you have
to spray it.
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00:00:58,741 --> 00:01:00,375
You can't just wipe--
look, you know what?
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Let's just throw
the whole camera out.
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00:01:02,178 --> 00:01:03,645
Okay, Joyce,
you talk now.
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00:01:03,713 --> 00:01:04,873
I-I don't even want
to open my mouth.
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00:01:04,874 --> 00:01:07,166
You know, Tom,
I haven't seen you in a mask
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00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:09,568
since you went under the stage
name George P. Wilbur.
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00:01:09,635 --> 00:01:11,469
Oh-ho-ho, Joyce,
you know we don't talk
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00:01:11,537 --> 00:01:12,837
about that on the air.
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00:01:12,905 --> 00:01:14,005
Oh, my God!
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00:01:14,073 --> 00:01:15,507
Did she... did
she just say
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00:01:15,574 --> 00:01:17,926
that George P. Wilbur was
Tom Tucker's stage name?
33
00:01:17,993 --> 00:01:19,961
Who the hell
is George P. Wilbur?
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00:01:20,029 --> 00:01:22,697
That's the guy who played
Michael Myers in Halloween 4,
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00:01:22,765 --> 00:01:24,849
the greatest movie
of all time.
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00:01:24,917 --> 00:01:26,918
I've only seen that movie
about a thousand times.
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00:01:26,969 --> 00:01:28,553
How could I not
have noticed that?
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00:01:37,363 --> 00:01:38,763
Good evening. I'm Michael Myers.
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00:01:38,814 --> 00:01:40,331
I have enormous
psychological problems,
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00:01:40,399 --> 00:01:43,234
and I'm going
to take them out on you.
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00:01:43,302 --> 00:01:45,069
It is him. I
can't believe it.
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00:01:49,034 --> 00:01:50,020
was your favorite movie.
45
00:01:50,025 --> 00:01:51,826
No, that's my
favorite period piece.
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00:01:51,894 --> 00:01:53,695
Well, that and GoodNight and Good Luck.
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00:01:53,762 --> 00:01:55,563
Even though I was tricked
into leaving early.
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00:01:55,631 --> 00:01:57,632
Good night and good luck.
49
00:01:57,700 --> 00:02:00,502
And good night
and good luck to you, sir.
50
00:02:04,874 --> 00:02:06,424
Oh, hi, Chris.
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00:02:06,492 --> 00:02:07,892
How was school?
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00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,761
It was great.
I met a girl, Mom!
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00:02:09,829 --> 00:02:11,446
That's wonderful, honey.
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00:02:11,514 --> 00:02:13,531
Yeah, her name is
Lindsey, like the state.
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00:02:13,599 --> 00:02:15,020
Is she nice?
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00:02:15,045 --> 00:02:16,545
Yeah, she's really
nice and super pretty,
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00:02:16,585 --> 00:02:18,403
and her bicycle seat
smells like strawberries.
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00:02:18,470 --> 00:02:21,206
Oh. Okay.
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00:02:21,273 --> 00:02:23,491
I'm gonna go upstairs
and alternate between
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00:02:23,559 --> 00:02:26,878
hopeful excitement
and suicidal pessimism!
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00:02:31,584 --> 00:02:33,451
Got to get the energy up.
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Found it.
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00:02:38,557 --> 00:02:40,592
Hey, uh, excuse
me, Mr. Tucker.
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00:02:40,659 --> 00:02:41,752
You got a second?
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00:02:41,777 --> 00:02:43,377
Oh, hello, Peter.
Sure, come on in.
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00:02:43,462 --> 00:02:44,836
Thanks. Um, hey, listen,
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I just found out that
you were the guy
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00:02:46,398 --> 00:02:48,833
who played Michael Myers
in Halloween 4,
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00:02:48,901 --> 00:02:49,865
and I just want to say,
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00:02:49,890 --> 00:02:51,925
I think that was the most
brilliant performance ever
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00:02:51,937 --> 00:02:53,271
in the history
of everything,
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00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,807
and I wanted to see
if you would sign my DVD.
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00:02:55,875 --> 00:02:57,842
Oh, I suppose.
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00:02:57,893 --> 00:02:59,227
Thanks. Hey, so,
what happened?
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00:02:59,295 --> 00:03:01,462
How come you never
did any more movies?
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00:03:01,530 --> 00:03:03,398
Well, I tried to make a career
out there in Hollywood,
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00:03:03,465 --> 00:03:06,034
but I just didn't realize
how tough acting is.
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00:03:06,101 --> 00:03:07,235
Well, you know
what they say--
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00:03:07,303 --> 00:03:08,736
"Tough actin' Tinactin."
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00:03:08,804 --> 00:03:10,705
I wish I'd
known that then.
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00:03:10,789 --> 00:03:12,302
You see, life after
Halloween 4
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00:03:12,327 --> 00:03:13,748
wasn't exactly smooth sailing.
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00:03:13,792 --> 00:03:15,710
Once I stepped out
from behind that mask,
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Hollywood gave me
the cold shoulder.
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00:03:19,531 --> 00:03:21,833
The work I did manage to get
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00:03:21,884 --> 00:03:25,053
was usually just bit partsthat didn't last too long.
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00:03:25,137 --> 00:03:27,705
Like the role of Denise'sboyfriend on The Cosby Show.
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00:03:27,756 --> 00:03:29,190
It's nice
to meet you, Martin.
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00:03:29,258 --> 00:03:30,625
Thank you,
Mrs. Huxtable.
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00:03:30,693 --> 00:03:32,560
So, if you guys
are a family,
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00:03:32,628 --> 00:03:34,829
why are none of you
the same shade of black?
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00:03:34,897 --> 00:03:38,182
I was also coked outof my skull most of the time.
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00:03:38,233 --> 00:03:40,668
But whatever the case,I was done.
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00:03:42,237 --> 00:03:44,739
I left Hollywood, moved back
to my hometown of Quahog,
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00:03:44,807 --> 00:03:47,058
and wound up working
here as a news anchor.
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00:03:47,126 --> 00:03:49,527
Wow. Well,
don't you miss it?
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00:03:49,595 --> 00:03:52,230
Every second of every day,
but I can't touch coke again.
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00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:53,831
It would ruin my life.
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00:03:53,899 --> 00:03:54,666
No, I mean acting.
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00:03:54,733 --> 00:03:56,100
Oh. Of course.
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00:03:56,168 --> 00:03:58,903
But it's over for me.
That's all in the past.
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00:03:58,971 --> 00:04:01,839
Well, if you ask me, you got the
makings of a star.
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00:04:01,907 --> 00:04:04,409
- And I want to help you get there.
- Well, that's a nice offer,
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00:04:04,476 --> 00:04:06,678
but I'm not quite sure
how you expect to do that.
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00:04:06,745 --> 00:04:08,947
Well, you've brought me
so much joy over the years
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00:04:09,014 --> 00:04:10,648
as that lovable
murderer of teenagers,
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00:04:10,716 --> 00:04:12,450
and I want to
return the favor.
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00:04:12,518 --> 00:04:14,052
I don't even have
an agent anymore.
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00:04:14,119 --> 00:04:16,454
Well, then how about this?
I'll be your agent.
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00:04:16,522 --> 00:04:17,531
You?
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00:04:17,556 --> 00:04:19,056
Yeah, I've seen every
episode of Entourage.
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00:04:19,058 --> 00:04:20,625
All you need is
some fake hair
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00:04:20,693 --> 00:04:22,527
and a bunch of Hobbits
hanging around you.
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00:04:22,594 --> 00:04:24,245
You're on in five
minutes, Mr. Tucker.
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00:04:24,313 --> 00:04:25,446
You don't belong here.
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00:04:25,514 --> 00:04:26,814
You're better than this.
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00:04:26,882 --> 00:04:28,716
You're Halloween 4 better.
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00:04:28,784 --> 00:04:30,234
Look, I appreciate
your offer,
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00:04:30,285 --> 00:04:32,320
but I've got a pretty
good thing going here.
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00:04:32,388 --> 00:04:34,029
In a few minutes,
I've got to be on camera
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00:04:34,054 --> 00:04:36,134
in front of 800 people.
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00:04:41,113 --> 00:04:42,864
Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.
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00:04:42,931 --> 00:04:45,683
Our top story tonight: The
Rhode Island Historical Society
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00:04:45,751 --> 00:04:48,753
is heralding the arrival
of a cast-iron, oak-handled
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00:04:48,821 --> 00:04:50,488
Colonial bedsheet warmer,
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00:04:50,556 --> 00:04:52,957
now on display
in the Statehouse Rotunda.
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00:04:53,025 --> 00:04:54,592
Okay, there it is.
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00:04:54,660 --> 00:04:58,396
As I understand it, they wouldput the coal inside of that,
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00:04:58,464 --> 00:05:01,432
and then put the objectbetween the sheets.
130
00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:03,601
It was very cold back then.
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00:05:03,669 --> 00:05:05,570
And it would warm the sheets.
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00:05:07,406 --> 00:05:09,440
And I-I think that'sthe gist of it.
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00:05:09,508 --> 00:05:11,342
How much footageof this do we have?
134
00:05:11,410 --> 00:05:13,077
Oh-oh, this is live.
135
00:05:13,145 --> 00:05:14,479
This... Can-can she hear me?
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00:05:14,546 --> 00:05:16,814
Okay, you can put it down now.
137
00:05:16,882 --> 00:05:19,417
You... She can't hear me. Okay.
138
00:05:20,919 --> 00:05:22,987
What the hell is going on here?
139
00:05:23,055 --> 00:05:25,523
Is it... is it...Am I having a stroke?
140
00:05:27,659 --> 00:05:29,160
Wait, Peter! Don't go!
141
00:05:29,228 --> 00:05:31,012
So, you changed
your mind, huh, buddy?
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00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:32,663
We going to Hollywood?
143
00:05:32,715 --> 00:05:34,415
You betcha.
But I have to say,
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00:05:34,483 --> 00:05:36,333
I thought you'd
drive a fancier car.
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00:05:36,358 --> 00:05:37,485
What? Why?
146
00:05:37,486 --> 00:05:40,121
Well, aren't you the Peter Griffin
of Peter Griffin Cadillac?
147
00:05:40,189 --> 00:05:41,422
No, that's another guy.
148
00:05:41,490 --> 00:05:43,424
Hi. I'm Peter Griffin,
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00:05:43,492 --> 00:05:46,444
and at Peter Griffin Cadillac,
we believe in three things:
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00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:49,247
fair dealing, family,
and friendship.
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00:05:49,314 --> 00:05:51,149
I've lived in Quahog
my whole life.
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00:05:51,216 --> 00:05:52,617
I love it here.
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00:05:52,684 --> 00:05:54,986
And you're gonna love
a Peter Griffin Cadillac.
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00:05:55,054 --> 00:05:56,087
Scumbag.
155
00:06:02,118 --> 00:06:03,572
All right, Lois,
remember to feed the cat,
156
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:05,097
and remember to get a cat.
157
00:06:05,171 --> 00:06:07,172
I still don't understand
why you got to go
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00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:08,674
all the way
to Hollywood.
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00:06:08,741 --> 00:06:10,909
Because I know Tom Tucker
could be a great actor,
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00:06:10,977 --> 00:06:13,045
and I'm gonna help him
make it happen.
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00:06:13,112 --> 00:06:14,980
You see, everybody
needs just one person
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00:06:15,048 --> 00:06:16,481
to believe in
their dreams
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00:06:16,549 --> 00:06:19,017
so they can spread
their wings and fly.
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00:06:19,085 --> 00:06:20,686
Dad, can I have money
for dance classes?
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00:06:20,753 --> 00:06:22,254
Sit down, you
dumpy bread loaf.
166
00:06:22,322 --> 00:06:23,889
I'd pay to see
you not dance.
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00:06:23,957 --> 00:06:25,657
- When will you be back?
- I don't know.
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00:06:25,725 --> 00:06:27,326
But I'll be sure
to be back
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00:06:27,393 --> 00:06:28,894
before Chris's big
dance class recital.
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00:06:28,962 --> 00:06:30,462
I believe
in that boy.
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00:06:30,530 --> 00:06:31,863
I don't want
to dance!
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00:06:31,931 --> 00:06:33,065
You'll dance!
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00:06:41,107 --> 00:06:42,574
Boy, I don't
know, Peter,
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00:06:42,625 --> 00:06:44,660
being back out here makes me
kind of nervous.
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00:06:44,744 --> 00:06:46,078
Maybe-maybe this
was all a mistake.
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00:06:46,129 --> 00:06:47,796
Don't be silly, Tom--
you're an actor,
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00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:49,498
and this is where you belong.
Now, let's take some of
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00:06:49,582 --> 00:06:52,384
this complimentary luggage
and get going.
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00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,254
Well, so, h-how
do we do this?
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00:06:56,306 --> 00:06:57,073
You do nothing.
181
00:06:57,098 --> 00:06:58,598
You just sit back
and let your agent
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00:06:59,142 --> 00:07:00,812
knock on every door in
Hollywood till he gets
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00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,037
you an acting job.
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00:07:02,428 --> 00:07:04,930
And that starts right now.
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00:07:04,981 --> 00:07:06,665
Yes? C-Can
I help you?
186
00:07:06,733 --> 00:07:08,133
No, but I can help you.
187
00:07:08,201 --> 00:07:09,835
You need to hire this man.
188
00:07:09,902 --> 00:07:12,337
Oh. Um, okay.
189
00:07:12,405 --> 00:07:15,674
Well, do you have any experience
handling bags?
190
00:07:15,742 --> 00:07:17,142
Aha! I see!
191
00:07:17,210 --> 00:07:18,877
Typical casting-couch stuff.
192
00:07:18,945 --> 00:07:20,979
All right, kid,
you want to make it
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00:07:21,047 --> 00:07:22,431
in showbiz
or don't you?
194
00:07:27,319 --> 00:07:29,855
I thought the airport
was Hollywood.
195
00:07:34,927 --> 00:07:38,463
Hey, Mom, I want you to
meet my new girlfriend.
196
00:07:38,531 --> 00:07:39,564
New girlfriend?
197
00:07:39,632 --> 00:07:40,966
Yeah, you remember that girl
198
00:07:41,034 --> 00:07:42,434
Lindsey I told you about?
199
00:07:42,502 --> 00:07:45,871
Well, I asked her out,
and now we are dating.
200
00:07:45,938 --> 00:07:48,957
Lindsey, this is my mom,
my little brother Stewie,
201
00:07:49,025 --> 00:07:50,826
and my dog Brian.
202
00:07:50,893 --> 00:07:51,693
Hey.
203
00:07:51,761 --> 00:07:54,062
Oh, my God.
204
00:07:54,130 --> 00:07:55,564
My goodness,
look at you.
205
00:07:55,631 --> 00:07:58,867
Do you even realize
who you look like?
206
00:07:58,935 --> 00:08:00,068
Cameron Diaz,
that's who.
207
00:08:00,136 --> 00:08:02,604
You are gorgeous!
208
00:08:02,672 --> 00:08:04,473
Well, she's awful pretty-- I
know that, Mom.
209
00:08:06,628 --> 00:08:07,862
Are you kidding me?
210
00:08:07,930 --> 00:08:09,197
Are they not seeing this?
211
00:08:09,264 --> 00:08:10,898
I know, it's kind of creepy.
It's almost like
212
00:08:10,966 --> 00:08:12,900
he's dating Lois.
Yeah.
213
00:08:12,968 --> 00:08:14,969
Looks like somebody's
getting a little Oedipus-y.
214
00:08:15,053 --> 00:08:16,888
- Can we say that?
- Just did.
215
00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:22,493
All right, Tom, this is
totally gonna work.
216
00:08:22,561 --> 00:08:24,312
All the biggest Hollywood
players eat here,
217
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:26,931
and we just got to make them
think we're one of them.
218
00:08:26,999 --> 00:08:29,300
That's why I got these
old Hollywood Jew glasses.
219
00:08:29,351 --> 00:08:30,601
Waiter! Oh, waiter!
220
00:08:30,652 --> 00:08:32,620
Yes sir. Are you gentlemen
ready to order?
221
00:08:32,688 --> 00:08:35,740
Yes, I will have the Big and Fancy,
and my client here
222
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:36,821
will have a bottle
of your best steak.
223
00:08:36,846 --> 00:08:38,046
Right away, sir.
224
00:08:38,231 --> 00:08:39,552
Peter, I-I'm not sure
what any of this
225
00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,085
has to do with
getting me acting jobs.
226
00:08:42,017 --> 00:08:43,417
Tom, who's the agent here?
227
00:08:43,463 --> 00:08:44,997
- You are.
- And who is the actor?
228
00:08:45,065 --> 00:08:46,799
Well, I am.
229
00:08:46,867 --> 00:08:49,001
Wait, which one am I again?
The agent.
230
00:08:49,052 --> 00:08:51,521
And who's paying for dinner?
I assumed you were.
231
00:08:51,588 --> 00:08:53,890
Ah, then we best load
our pockets with bread
232
00:08:53,957 --> 00:08:56,475
and get the hell
out of here.
233
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:57,627
We have to go!
234
00:08:57,694 --> 00:09:00,279
Not expensive enough!
235
00:09:00,347 --> 00:09:02,865
Excuse me, I couldn't help but
notice your glasses,
236
00:09:02,933 --> 00:09:06,068
your poor table manners and
your huge sense of entitlement.
237
00:09:06,136 --> 00:09:07,503
- Are you an agent?
- I am.
238
00:09:07,571 --> 00:09:09,972
You've got ten seconds
to dazzle me. Go.
239
00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,692
Well, I'm the casting
director for NCIS,
240
00:09:12,759 --> 00:09:15,428
and we need an actor for a
mall role that shoots tomorrow.
241
00:09:15,495 --> 00:09:17,230
This is your man.
242
00:09:17,297 --> 00:09:19,365
That's great! He's got just
the look we're after.
243
00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:21,801
Show up here at
10:00 a.m. tomorrow.
244
00:09:21,868 --> 00:09:23,219
How about that, huh, Tom?
245
00:09:23,287 --> 00:09:24,520
You're back in
the business.
246
00:09:24,588 --> 00:09:26,389
Wow, Peter,
I can't believe it!
247
00:09:26,456 --> 00:09:27,773
Hey, don't be
so surprised.
248
00:09:27,841 --> 00:09:29,775
I've been pounding the
pavement for you, buddy.
249
00:09:29,843 --> 00:09:31,777
I even gave out all
my business cards.
250
00:09:31,845 --> 00:09:34,546
Call me! Call me! Call me!
251
00:09:34,598 --> 00:09:37,149
Call me! Call me!
Call me! Call me!
252
00:09:37,217 --> 00:09:39,969
Ah, show business.
253
00:09:43,456 --> 00:09:45,891
Oh, hi, you two.
254
00:09:45,959 --> 00:09:48,560
You know, Lindsey, I just
want to say how nice it is
255
00:09:48,628 --> 00:09:50,762
to have such a beautiful young
woman in our home.
256
00:09:50,830 --> 00:09:51,997
Oh, a baby.
257
00:09:52,065 --> 00:09:53,732
I almost had one
of you twice.
258
00:09:53,816 --> 00:09:56,251
Who didn't, right?
259
00:09:56,319 --> 00:09:58,654
So, what are you
two up to tonight?
260
00:09:58,721 --> 00:10:00,472
Well, we really
haven't decided yet.
261
00:10:00,540 --> 00:10:02,424
Eh, I'll think of something
while I'm taking
262
00:10:02,492 --> 00:10:04,459
a chick dump in your
parents' bathroom.
263
00:10:04,527 --> 00:10:07,029
And I will
hold your purse.
264
00:10:07,096 --> 00:10:08,363
Good for Chris, huh?
265
00:10:08,431 --> 00:10:10,065
He picked a
peach, didn't he?
266
00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:13,135
Lois, don't you think maybe part
of the reason you like Lindsey
267
00:10:13,203 --> 00:10:15,037
could be because she
looks so much like you?
268
00:10:15,104 --> 00:10:16,221
What?
269
00:10:17,596 --> 00:10:19,213
Come on, she's clearly
an awful person.
270
00:10:19,281 --> 00:10:21,048
And I think it's possible
that your vanity
271
00:10:21,116 --> 00:10:22,900
has made you
a little blind to that.
272
00:10:22,968 --> 00:10:25,803
Oh... I see what's
going on here-- you're jealous.
273
00:10:25,871 --> 00:10:28,272
Chris has a wonderful
young woman in his life,
274
00:10:28,340 --> 00:10:29,840
and you've got nothing.
275
00:10:29,908 --> 00:10:31,042
She's kind of
right, Brian.
276
00:10:31,109 --> 00:10:33,177
All you've got is
a worn-out rope toy
277
00:10:33,245 --> 00:10:36,347
and that squirrel who comes
by once a day to taunt you.
278
00:10:36,415 --> 00:10:38,533
Hey!
279
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,701
Hey, get out of here!
This is our yard!
280
00:10:40,769 --> 00:10:42,503
You don't belong there!
Don't you touch anything!
281
00:10:42,571 --> 00:10:43,804
I told you all this yesterday!
282
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,336
To your first big
TV acting job.
283
00:10:58,403 --> 00:11:00,404
We now return to NCIS.
284
00:11:00,472 --> 00:11:02,240
Oh, here it is.
Here comes my part.
285
00:11:03,475 --> 00:11:04,909
Excuse me.
286
00:11:04,977 --> 00:11:06,744
I'm looking for
Ed Manzelli.
287
00:11:06,812 --> 00:11:08,379
Good evening.
I'm Ed Manzelli.
288
00:11:08,447 --> 00:11:10,047
What can I do for you?
289
00:11:10,115 --> 00:11:12,283
I'm looking for a guy
who used to work here.
290
00:11:12,351 --> 00:11:14,285
Name's Mario.
Got any idea where he could be?
291
00:11:14,353 --> 00:11:16,187
I haven't seen him
in over a month.
292
00:11:16,255 --> 00:11:17,822
That's the end of my line.
293
00:11:17,889 --> 00:11:19,857
Your line, NCIS.
294
00:11:19,925 --> 00:11:22,793
You son of a bitch,
you made me feel again.
295
00:11:22,878 --> 00:11:25,329
Oh, don't you go
'cause I'll go.
296
00:11:25,397 --> 00:11:27,848
You know, Peter, I
just want to thank you
297
00:11:27,916 --> 00:11:29,350
for all you've
done for me.
298
00:11:29,418 --> 00:11:31,185
You... You are one
hell of an agent.
299
00:11:31,253 --> 00:11:33,120
Well, with you
as a client, it's easy.
300
00:11:33,188 --> 00:11:34,272
Mr. Griffin?
301
00:11:34,339 --> 00:11:35,690
Yes, Sandra?
You have a secretary?
302
00:11:35,757 --> 00:11:37,592
She calls herself
an assistant, but yes.
303
00:11:37,659 --> 00:11:38,893
What is it, Sandra?
304
00:11:38,961 --> 00:11:40,561
There's a man
here to see you.
305
00:11:40,629 --> 00:11:43,364
He says he wants to talk
to you about being his agent.
306
00:11:43,432 --> 00:11:45,466
Really?! Well, then,
by all means, send him in!
307
00:11:45,534 --> 00:11:47,051
Hey, knucklebutts!
308
00:11:47,119 --> 00:11:49,320
James Woods?!
309
00:11:49,388 --> 00:11:50,955
But I... I don't understand!
310
00:11:51,023 --> 00:11:52,690
I... I thought you were dead!
311
00:11:52,758 --> 00:11:54,258
Well...
I'm not.
312
00:11:54,326 --> 00:11:55,459
I don't believe you.
313
00:11:55,527 --> 00:11:56,994
God, is that true?
314
00:11:57,062 --> 00:11:58,396
God?
315
00:11:58,463 --> 00:12:00,998
God, are you there?
316
00:12:07,089 --> 00:12:10,024
Come on, don't touch yourself.
You're God.
317
00:12:16,706 --> 00:12:18,774
I-I don't get it.
Last time we saw you,
318
00:12:18,842 --> 00:12:21,610
Diane Simmons had just stabbed
you in the back with a knife.
319
00:12:21,678 --> 00:12:23,879
Yeah! How the hell
did you come back to life?!
320
00:12:23,947 --> 00:12:25,331
Well, gentlemen,
321
00:12:25,415 --> 00:12:28,117
sometimes being a big Hollywood
star has its advantages.
322
00:12:33,123 --> 00:12:35,274
Hey, is this guy somebody?
323
00:12:35,342 --> 00:12:37,009
Yeah, that's James Woods!
324
00:12:37,077 --> 00:12:38,410
We got a celebrity here!
325
00:12:38,478 --> 00:12:40,496
I repeat, this is not
a normal dead person!
326
00:12:40,564 --> 00:12:41,597
This is a celebrity!
327
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,718
Being a famous movie starentitled me
328
00:12:45,785 --> 00:12:47,469
to topnotch medical care
329
00:12:47,521 --> 00:12:50,890
not availableto the rest of society.
330
00:12:50,974 --> 00:12:53,508
My body was immediately takento a Hollywood hospital,
331
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:57,213
where I was hooked upto a 17-year-old ingenue.
332
00:12:59,649 --> 00:13:01,734
And in accordancewith Hollywood law,
333
00:13:01,818 --> 00:13:03,519
her life force was infusedinto me,
334
00:13:03,587 --> 00:13:06,205
bringing me back from the dead.
335
00:13:06,289 --> 00:13:08,123
What happened to the girl?
336
00:13:08,191 --> 00:13:10,109
I threw her out a car windowat Nora Ephron.
337
00:13:12,362 --> 00:13:13,963
Stop making
Jack Nicholson a pansy!
338
00:13:14,030 --> 00:13:15,865
You're thinking of Nancy Meyers!
339
00:13:15,932 --> 00:13:17,867
You're the same thing!
340
00:13:17,934 --> 00:13:19,335
Wow. That's amazing.
341
00:13:19,402 --> 00:13:21,704
So, what do you say, Peter?
Will you be my agent?
342
00:13:21,771 --> 00:13:23,022
I don't get it.
Why would a big shot
343
00:13:23,089 --> 00:13:24,456
like you want me for an agent?
344
00:13:24,524 --> 00:13:26,508
Because you're an up-and-comer,
because you're hungry.
345
00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:27,760
I am hungry.
346
00:13:27,844 --> 00:13:29,395
But you put me
and my family
347
00:13:29,462 --> 00:13:31,263
through a lot of
crap over the years.
348
00:13:31,331 --> 00:13:32,831
Why would I want
to help you?
349
00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:34,066
Well, because
you're my agent.
350
00:13:34,134 --> 00:13:35,601
Oh, my God, you're
right! I am!
351
00:13:35,669 --> 00:13:36,902
Hey, hold on now.
352
00:13:36,987 --> 00:13:38,754
You came out here
to be my agent.
353
00:13:38,822 --> 00:13:40,589
Tom, relax,
I can take care of you both.
354
00:13:40,657 --> 00:13:42,324
You'd be surprised
how much I can handle.
355
00:13:42,392 --> 00:13:45,194
Peter, I need you to drop
Stewie off at day care,
356
00:13:45,262 --> 00:13:47,696
and then shred this big
stack of old bank statements.
357
00:13:47,747 --> 00:13:49,298
You got it, Lois.
358
00:13:50,959 --> 00:13:52,793
Is he always
this quiet?
359
00:13:55,997 --> 00:13:58,899
So, Kevin made another attempt
on his life last night.
360
00:13:58,967 --> 00:14:00,968
He drank two bottles
of dish soap.
361
00:14:01,036 --> 00:14:02,570
Well, we have
some news, too.
362
00:14:02,637 --> 00:14:05,239
Chris is dating the
most wonderful girl.
363
00:14:05,307 --> 00:14:07,842
You know, everyone said, "Don't
smoke during your pregnancy,"
364
00:14:07,909 --> 00:14:11,112
but I think some of it rubbed
off on him 'cause now he's cool.
365
00:14:11,179 --> 00:14:12,546
That's nice.
366
00:14:12,614 --> 00:14:14,281
Well, I should go, Lois.
367
00:14:14,349 --> 00:14:17,068
Yeah, I should probably
get going myself.
368
00:14:17,135 --> 00:14:18,436
Oh, my God!
369
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:22,923
What? What is it, Lois?
370
00:14:22,991 --> 00:14:24,291
That girl over there--
371
00:14:24,359 --> 00:14:26,260
that... that's
Chris's girlfriend!
372
00:14:26,328 --> 00:14:29,029
Hey, you know, she kind of
looks like you, Lois.
373
00:14:29,097 --> 00:14:31,298
Maybe she'll thank me
for buying the coffee.
374
00:14:31,366 --> 00:14:33,434
You think she
looks like me, too?
375
00:14:33,502 --> 00:14:35,236
Oh, my God.
376
00:14:35,303 --> 00:14:37,138
I'm starting to
think Brian was right.
377
00:14:37,205 --> 00:14:40,341
Maybe I have been blinded
by my own stupid vanity.
378
00:14:40,409 --> 00:14:42,109
That girl is
nothing but trouble.
379
00:14:42,177 --> 00:14:43,978
Are you gonna tell Chris?
380
00:14:44,045 --> 00:14:45,713
I guess I'll have to,
381
00:14:45,781 --> 00:14:47,982
but he doesn't take
bad news very well.
382
00:14:48,049 --> 00:14:51,218
Oh, Chris, honey,
I'm so sorry to tell you this,
383
00:14:51,286 --> 00:14:53,587
but your grandfather died.
384
00:15:02,264 --> 00:15:03,431
All right, gentlemen.
385
00:15:03,498 --> 00:15:05,332
So, what do you got
for my client?
386
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,134
Well, we're making a
mediocre action film,
387
00:15:07,202 --> 00:15:09,837
and we think James is just the
guy to do a serviceable job
388
00:15:09,905 --> 00:15:12,573
in a supporting role that
Jeremy Irons, Jeff Goldblum,
389
00:15:12,641 --> 00:15:14,675
and Craig T. Nelson
have already passed on.
390
00:15:14,743 --> 00:15:16,977
Well, we'd need
to see a script first.
391
00:15:17,045 --> 00:15:18,179
Oh, looks good.
392
00:15:18,246 --> 00:15:19,513
What do you think, James?
393
00:15:19,581 --> 00:15:20,614
I like it.
Good.
394
00:15:20,682 --> 00:15:22,183
I say we move on this.
395
00:15:22,250 --> 00:15:23,551
All right, then,
let's negotiate.
396
00:15:23,618 --> 00:15:25,202
- We want everything.
- We'll give you nothing.
397
00:15:25,270 --> 00:15:26,921
- We want something.
- Deal.
398
00:15:31,593 --> 00:15:33,627
Ugh, not this hillbilly
from Rhode Island again.
399
00:15:33,695 --> 00:15:35,863
No thank you.
400
00:15:35,931 --> 00:15:37,398
This is Peter Griffin,
famous agent,
401
00:15:37,466 --> 00:15:39,099
but you can call me PG-13.
402
00:15:39,167 --> 00:15:40,367
Ba-boom!
403
00:15:40,435 --> 00:15:41,635
Leave a message.
404
00:15:41,703 --> 00:15:43,003
Hi, Peter, it's Tom.
405
00:15:43,071 --> 00:15:44,839
Uh, just trying
to reach you again.
406
00:15:44,906 --> 00:15:46,440
And you know,
about that meeting
407
00:15:46,508 --> 00:15:48,342
you set up with me
and Heath Ledger...
408
00:15:48,410 --> 00:15:49,977
He... He never showed.
409
00:15:50,045 --> 00:15:52,580
Maybe I was at the wrong
Panda Express, but I...
410
00:15:52,647 --> 00:15:54,915
Anyway, uh, call me back.
411
00:15:57,853 --> 00:16:00,070
Hey, listen, thanks for
inviting me to lunch, Peter.
412
00:16:00,138 --> 00:16:01,505
I-I was starting
to get nervous
413
00:16:01,573 --> 00:16:03,107
when you weren't
returning my calls.
414
00:16:03,175 --> 00:16:05,776
Tom, I... I didn't know
how to say this to you,
415
00:16:05,844 --> 00:16:07,545
so, here,
take this piece of paper.
416
00:16:07,612 --> 00:16:11,415
And you're on in four,
three, two...
417
00:16:11,483 --> 00:16:13,851
"Peter Griffin drops Tom Tucker
as a client."
418
00:16:13,919 --> 00:16:16,287
You're-you're dropping me
as a client?
419
00:16:16,354 --> 00:16:17,621
Yeah, just heard it
on the news.
420
00:16:17,689 --> 00:16:18,906
How could you do this?!
421
00:16:18,974 --> 00:16:20,374
Look, it's a whole
different landscape
422
00:16:20,442 --> 00:16:21,575
out here since Thursday.
423
00:16:21,643 --> 00:16:23,110
Everything's on computers now.
424
00:16:23,178 --> 00:16:25,312
Peter, I left a very
good job for this!
425
00:16:25,380 --> 00:16:27,147
You're the only reason
I came back out here!
426
00:16:27,215 --> 00:16:28,549
I wish I could help you, Tom,
427
00:16:28,617 --> 00:16:29,817
but this is coming
from upstairs.
428
00:16:29,885 --> 00:16:31,151
The karate studio?
429
00:16:31,219 --> 00:16:32,653
Tom, I have to go now.
430
00:16:32,721 --> 00:16:36,056
But if you're ever Kevin James,
I want you to give me a call.
431
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,280
Mm. Hello?
432
00:16:43,348 --> 00:16:45,082
Peter, it's me, Woodsy!
I need a favor.
433
00:16:45,150 --> 00:16:47,618
What?! It's, like, 2:00 a.m.
434
00:16:47,686 --> 00:16:49,386
Yeah, so listen, I'm
at Chateau Marmont,
435
00:16:49,454 --> 00:16:51,021
I just met this
18-year-old chick,
436
00:16:51,089 --> 00:16:53,290
and I can't decide
whether to take her home
437
00:16:53,358 --> 00:16:55,059
or keep doing blow
with Tom Sizemore
438
00:16:55,126 --> 00:16:57,611
and see if I can do
better later in the night.
439
00:16:57,679 --> 00:16:58,846
Well, okay, um...
440
00:16:58,914 --> 00:17:00,447
Do, uh, do-do you love her?
441
00:17:00,515 --> 00:17:02,616
What?! Look, I'm
texting you her picture.
442
00:17:02,684 --> 00:17:05,386
Just tell me if you
think she's hot enough.
443
00:17:06,855 --> 00:17:08,839
I... What is this
a picture of?
444
00:17:08,907 --> 00:17:11,008
Is that the bottom
of a white pumpkin?
445
00:17:11,076 --> 00:17:12,576
Is she hot or not?
446
00:17:12,644 --> 00:17:14,245
I-I guess.
Okay, good, great.
447
00:17:14,312 --> 00:17:16,997
So clear out of your apartment;
we're gonna be there in 15.
448
00:17:17,065 --> 00:17:18,249
What?! I'm sleeping.
449
00:17:18,316 --> 00:17:20,084
Why can't you bring her
to your place?
450
00:17:20,168 --> 00:17:21,485
I don't know, man.
451
00:17:21,553 --> 00:17:23,020
It's my aunt's
daughter. It's weird.
452
00:17:27,709 --> 00:17:29,710
Chris, honey,
453
00:17:29,778 --> 00:17:31,745
there's something
I want to talk to you about.
454
00:17:31,813 --> 00:17:33,213
Why, sure, Mom. Come on in.
455
00:17:33,281 --> 00:17:34,982
Chris, you know
your girlfriend, Lindsey?
456
00:17:35,050 --> 00:17:36,383
Yeah.
457
00:17:36,451 --> 00:17:38,452
Well, honey,
458
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,155
I saw her making out
with another boy.
459
00:17:41,222 --> 00:17:43,324
Was she kissing with her mouth,
or her pants-mouth?
460
00:17:43,391 --> 00:17:44,625
Because she does both.
461
00:17:44,693 --> 00:17:46,860
Chris, I can't believe
you knew about this!
462
00:17:46,928 --> 00:17:48,462
That's terrible!
463
00:17:48,530 --> 00:17:50,798
Why would you even date
a girl like that?
464
00:17:50,865 --> 00:17:54,001
Well, because...
I-I thought she'd be like you.
465
00:17:54,069 --> 00:17:55,069
Like me?
466
00:17:55,136 --> 00:17:56,537
Well, you got to admit, Mom,
467
00:17:56,605 --> 00:17:58,772
she does look a lot like you.
468
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:01,575
I mean, I just look at
you and Dad, you know?
469
00:18:01,626 --> 00:18:04,295
He's a complete train wreck,
and you put up with him.
470
00:18:04,379 --> 00:18:06,413
And I'm no prize myself.
471
00:18:06,464 --> 00:18:10,084
So, I guess I figured if I don't
find a girl just like you,
472
00:18:10,135 --> 00:18:12,052
I might never find anyone.
473
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:13,804
Oh, Chris.
474
00:18:13,872 --> 00:18:15,706
Of course you'll find someone.
475
00:18:15,774 --> 00:18:17,141
And you are a prize.
476
00:18:17,208 --> 00:18:19,376
You're a handsome,
kind-hearted, young man,
477
00:18:19,444 --> 00:18:22,313
and any girl would be lucky
to have you in her life.
478
00:18:22,380 --> 00:18:23,647
You really think so?
479
00:18:23,715 --> 00:18:25,449
Of course I do, sweetheart.
480
00:18:25,517 --> 00:18:27,351
Thanks, Mo
481
00:18:28,887 --> 00:18:31,221
Now I'm gonna take the child
filter off the computer,
482
00:18:31,289 --> 00:18:33,324
and I want you
to have a fun night.
483
00:18:37,896 --> 00:18:39,196
Okay, this is it, James.
484
00:18:39,264 --> 00:18:41,031
I got your next
project right here.
485
00:18:41,099 --> 00:18:43,851
Peter, you've pitched me
dozens of projects,
486
00:18:43,918 --> 00:18:46,854
and all of them involve me
playing a hayride driver.
487
00:18:46,921 --> 00:18:49,189
I don't know, I just
see you doing that.
488
00:18:49,257 --> 00:18:51,442
You know, this year, it's
vampires, next year, it's hay.
489
00:18:51,509 --> 00:18:52,710
These things go in cycles.
490
00:18:52,777 --> 00:18:54,339
Peter, this is probably
a good time to fire you.
491
00:18:54,340 --> 00:18:55,608
What?!
492
00:18:55,633 --> 00:18:57,233
Come on, Peter,
who are we kidding?
493
00:18:57,315 --> 00:18:59,083
You're a one-man operation.
494
00:18:59,150 --> 00:19:00,851
You know me.
I need a whole crew.
495
00:19:00,935 --> 00:19:03,737
I need a drugs guy,
a girls guy, a fitness guy,
496
00:19:03,805 --> 00:19:07,274
a guy with a boat who can dump
stuff way-out-there kind of guy.
497
00:19:07,342 --> 00:19:08,776
But... But you're
my only client!
498
00:19:08,843 --> 00:19:09,977
Without you, I'm ruined!
499
00:19:10,045 --> 00:19:11,512
Well, that's show business.
500
00:19:11,579 --> 00:19:14,598
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
to answer this fake phone call.
501
00:19:14,666 --> 00:19:16,133
Hello? Grimace
from McDonald's?
502
00:19:16,201 --> 00:19:17,901
Sorry, Peter,
I got to take this.
503
00:19:17,969 --> 00:19:19,303
No, I understand.
504
00:19:25,944 --> 00:19:27,211
Hey, Tom.
505
00:19:27,278 --> 00:19:28,979
How you doing?
506
00:19:29,047 --> 00:19:30,214
What do you want?
507
00:19:30,281 --> 00:19:31,782
James Woods fired me.
508
00:19:31,850 --> 00:19:34,084
Listen, I-I been thinking.
509
00:19:34,152 --> 00:19:36,153
I was a real jerk to you.
510
00:19:36,221 --> 00:19:37,688
I dragged you out here,
511
00:19:37,756 --> 00:19:40,224
only to dump you
when you needed me the most.
512
00:19:40,291 --> 00:19:41,542
I guess what I'm saying is,
513
00:19:41,609 --> 00:19:43,777
I'm really sorry
about everything.
514
00:19:43,845 --> 00:19:45,379
Sorry doesn't
cut it, Peter.
515
00:19:45,447 --> 00:19:47,948
I quit my job, I left everything
behind to come out here.
516
00:19:48,016 --> 00:19:49,750
I know, but I was
just trying to help.
517
00:19:49,818 --> 00:19:51,318
I never wanted to let you down.
518
00:19:51,386 --> 00:19:55,222
Well, I suppose your only crime
is that you believed in me.
519
00:19:55,290 --> 00:19:57,558
And then stopped believing
in me rather abruptly.
520
00:19:57,625 --> 00:19:58,959
So what do you say?
521
00:19:59,027 --> 00:20:01,061
You ready to go back
to where we both belong?
522
00:20:01,129 --> 00:20:03,697
Yup. Let's go home.
523
00:20:03,765 --> 00:20:05,099
Sounds good.
524
00:20:05,166 --> 00:20:08,135
Hey, check out this picture
James Woods texted me.
525
00:20:08,203 --> 00:20:10,804
What is that? A balloon
running out of air?
526
00:20:10,872 --> 00:20:12,740
Yeah, see, I was hoping
you would know.
527
00:20:13,808 --> 00:20:15,375
It's his cousin's anus.
528
00:20:19,647 --> 00:20:21,115
Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.
529
00:20:21,182 --> 00:20:22,649
And I'm Joyce Kinney.
530
00:20:22,717 --> 00:20:25,953
Tom, I think I speak for all of
us here at Channel Five News
531
00:20:26,020 --> 00:20:28,288
when I say it's good
to have you back here
532
00:20:28,356 --> 00:20:29,389
at half your
original salary.
533
00:20:29,457 --> 00:20:30,591
Still twice yours, Joyce.
534
00:20:30,658 --> 00:20:31,992
Our top story tonight:
535
00:20:32,060 --> 00:20:34,461
Quahog's first organic
supermarket opens this weekend.
536
00:20:34,529 --> 00:20:36,663
So head on down
before the gays turn it
537
00:20:36,731 --> 00:20:39,299
into a cruising ground like
they did the Barnes and Noble
538
00:20:39,367 --> 00:20:41,435
upstairs coffee bar,
which they had to close.
539
00:20:41,503 --> 00:20:43,804
Well, I'm just happy
Tom got his job back.
540
00:20:43,872 --> 00:20:46,140
But I'm sorry I missed meeting
your girlfriend, Chris.
541
00:20:46,207 --> 00:20:47,608
That's okay, Dad.
542
00:20:47,675 --> 00:20:49,042
Yeah, Chris, I
never asked you.
543
00:20:49,110 --> 00:20:51,345
What did Lindsey say when
you broke up with her?
544
00:20:51,412 --> 00:20:53,080
Oh, she didn't seem to mind.
545
00:20:53,148 --> 00:20:55,048
I think she already moved on
to someone else.
546
00:20:55,116 --> 00:20:56,750
Thanks for buying me
these clothes, Glenn.
547
00:20:56,818 --> 00:20:58,051
You're welcome.
548
00:20:58,119 --> 00:20:59,386
And you're dismissed.
549
00:20:59,454 --> 00:21:01,321
Do I still get
to keep the 20?
550
00:21:02,944 --> 00:21:06,944
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
551
00:21:07,802 --> 00:21:11,478
Sync for WEB-DL: VeRdiKT
[Addic7ed.com]
41198
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