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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,910 --> 00:00:13,796
♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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# Family Guy 10x10 #
Meg and Quagmire
Original Air Date on January 8, 2012
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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00:00:36,631 --> 00:00:38,832
You guys, don't you think
I'm a little old
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00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:41,251
for the Teen Choice Awards?
I mean, I turned 18 today.
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Oh, come on, Meg.
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00:00:42,703 --> 00:00:44,721
You always used to love
the Teen Choice Awards.
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00:00:44,789 --> 00:00:46,523
Yeah, ever since Fox
pulled this contrived night
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00:00:46,591 --> 00:00:49,192
of out of
their ass, in an effort
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00:00:49,260 --> 00:00:50,794
to get in on the awards
show business,
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00:00:50,861 --> 00:00:52,712
it's been very
special to you.
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Coming to you live, it'sthe Teen Choice Awards!
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Featuring...
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I tell ya, every year, I
recognize fewer and fewer names.
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00:01:26,580 --> 00:01:28,548
And a live performance by...
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Plus we tally your text votefor the Biggest Whiff
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and Choice Bro-mentof the Year!
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00:01:48,302 --> 00:01:49,469
And now your host...
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Wavyhair Doucheston!
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I touched him!
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What's up, Teen Choice Awards?!
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00:02:00,114 --> 00:02:01,581
We're gonna kick things off
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with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile!
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00:02:03,117 --> 00:02:07,921
Give it up for our first
presenter, Wilford Brimley!
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00:02:07,989 --> 00:02:10,473
It's entirely too loud in here!
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00:02:10,558 --> 00:02:12,192
Quiet down!
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00:02:12,259 --> 00:02:14,427
There's no accountability
anymore!
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00:02:14,495 --> 00:02:15,762
I have diabetes!
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00:02:15,830 --> 00:02:18,515
Hey, what do you say we get
some music in here, huh?
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00:02:18,582 --> 00:02:20,050
No, that'll only
make things worse!
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00:02:20,117 --> 00:02:22,552
Give it up for our first
nominated Choice Band
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of the Night,
Peehole Skin!
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♪ Feelings
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I'm gonna put
a stop to this!
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00:02:49,764 --> 00:02:51,264
Well, that was
unfortunate.
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00:02:51,331 --> 00:02:53,433
Hey, what's with all
the cars on the street?
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00:02:53,500 --> 00:02:55,485
Oh, they're all here
for your surprise party, Meg.
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00:02:55,553 --> 00:02:57,337
Peter, for God's
sake, you idiot!
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We were supposed
to open the door
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so everyone could
yell "surprise!"
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Surprise!
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00:03:04,061 --> 00:03:06,629
Oh... Oh, dear.
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00:03:06,697 --> 00:03:09,449
Mom, if it's a surprise party,
where is everybody?
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00:03:09,516 --> 00:03:10,817
Chris, what the hell?!
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00:03:10,885 --> 00:03:12,485
I thought you were
gonna pay the kids
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from school to show up!
I gave you $300!
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Why do you think
Dad's here?
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Hey, Meg, happy birthday.
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You're the coolest.
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00:03:19,744 --> 00:03:22,011
Well, then what are all the cars
doing out there?
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00:03:22,079 --> 00:03:23,680
Oh, they must be
for Mort's party.
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00:03:23,748 --> 00:03:25,915
Okay, the first rule
of Jewish fight club
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is if somebody says,
"Ow," you stop.
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Ow!
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Okay, let's eat.
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00:03:31,739 --> 00:03:33,840
I'm really sorry
about this, honey.
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I-It looks like
nobody's coming.
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00:03:35,776 --> 00:03:38,478
But we had fun at the Teen
Choice Awards, right?
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00:03:38,546 --> 00:03:39,879
I guess.
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00:03:39,947 --> 00:03:42,115
Well, I guess we
ought to call it a night.
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00:03:42,183 --> 00:03:43,616
Come on, Stewie.
Up to bed.
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00:03:43,684 --> 00:03:47,053
No party? Oh, come on.
I was gonna show a slide show
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of all those silly photos
I took of Meg.
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00:03:58,132 --> 00:03:59,833
Well, happy birthday
anyway, Meg.
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00:03:59,900 --> 00:04:01,267
See you in the morning.
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00:04:04,171 --> 00:04:05,955
Hey, Quagmire.
What's going on?
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00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,474
Well, Peter,
a little birdie told me
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00:04:07,541 --> 00:04:08,525
that today is
Meg's birthday.
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00:04:08,592 --> 00:04:09,575
You giving me credit?
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00:04:09,627 --> 00:04:11,010
Yeah, I just told him.
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00:04:11,078 --> 00:04:12,178
I'm the one
who told him.
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00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:15,632
So where is
the birthday girl?
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00:04:15,699 --> 00:04:17,133
Oh, hi, Mr. Quagmire.
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00:04:17,201 --> 00:04:20,453
Oh, please,
my father is Mr. Quagmi--
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00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:22,122
Oh, no. He's... Okay,
well, he used
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00:04:22,189 --> 00:04:23,356
to be Mr. Quagmire.
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00:04:23,424 --> 00:04:25,458
Now he's, how he's
just Ida Davis.
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00:04:25,526 --> 00:04:27,894
Anyway, this is a special day
for you, young lady.
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00:04:27,962 --> 00:04:30,597
Here's a gift for ya.
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00:04:30,664 --> 00:04:31,831
A scented candle?
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00:04:31,899 --> 00:04:33,700
As a girl,
I love this!
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00:04:33,767 --> 00:04:35,602
That was originally $30.
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00:04:35,669 --> 00:04:37,604
Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
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00:04:37,671 --> 00:04:39,172
Well, it's your
18th birthday, Meg.
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00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:40,507
That's a very important
milestone in
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00:04:40,574 --> 00:04:41,574
a young girl's...
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00:04:41,642 --> 00:04:43,376
I mean, a young
woman's life.
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00:04:43,444 --> 00:04:45,011
Hey, welcome
to the adult club, huh?
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00:04:45,079 --> 00:04:46,279
And you know what?
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00:04:46,347 --> 00:04:47,814
You got another member
right next door
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00:04:47,882 --> 00:04:49,282
if you ever want
to talk and stuff.
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00:04:49,350 --> 00:04:50,700
Happy birthday.
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00:04:54,405 --> 00:04:56,306
Hey... Hey, where's
that pinky going, huh?
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00:04:56,373 --> 00:04:58,174
Where's he going?
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00:04:58,242 --> 00:05:00,210
Wha, what's he doing?
Get back here.
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00:05:00,277 --> 00:05:01,811
There you go.
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00:05:01,879 --> 00:05:04,364
Look at Quagmire hitting
on that skank.
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00:05:04,431 --> 00:05:06,132
You know he's gonna
close the deal.
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00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:07,534
Peter, that skank is
your daughter.
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00:05:07,601 --> 00:05:09,135
Oh, my God,
you're right!
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00:05:09,203 --> 00:05:11,304
You know, Meg,
I'd love to see you
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00:05:11,372 --> 00:05:12,655
without your hat on.
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00:05:12,723 --> 00:05:13,556
Okay.
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00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,568
So, anyway, I'm on approach
into Lambert Field
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00:05:21,636 --> 00:05:24,204
in some of the worst turbulence
I've ever flown through.
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00:05:24,272 --> 00:05:26,173
I mean, I have never seen
anything like it.
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00:05:26,241 --> 00:05:28,275
Everyone in the cabin
was, like, "Aah!"
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00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:29,910
but I kept my cool.
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00:05:29,978 --> 00:05:32,413
I trusted my training,
and brought the plane in safely,
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00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:34,281
and in fact,
it turned out, ironically,
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00:05:34,349 --> 00:05:36,717
to be one of the smoothest
landings I've ever made.
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00:05:36,785 --> 00:05:38,852
Well, gosh, Quagmire,
this has been a fun night,
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00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,021
but I guess, uh, you better be
getting home now, huh?
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00:05:41,089 --> 00:05:42,373
Yeah, it is getting late
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00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:44,458
I guess I'll go home
and rub out a giggity.
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00:05:44,526 --> 00:05:45,592
Take it easy, you guys.
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00:05:45,660 --> 00:05:46,827
See you later, Meg.
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00:05:46,895 --> 00:05:48,962
Bye.
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00:05:49,030 --> 00:05:49,997
Okay, that was weird.
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00:05:50,065 --> 00:05:51,014
That was weird.
Right?
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00:05:51,082 --> 00:05:52,416
Oh, my God,
so weird.
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00:05:52,484 --> 00:05:54,301
I tell you something,
if he touches my daughter,
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00:05:54,369 --> 00:05:55,903
I'm gonna be kicking butts
and taking names!
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00:05:55,970 --> 00:05:57,071
And then giving
those names
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00:05:57,138 --> 00:05:58,539
to other people
whose butts I kick.
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00:05:58,606 --> 00:06:00,457
What's your name?
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00:06:00,525 --> 00:06:01,592
Derek.
138
00:06:01,659 --> 00:06:03,277
What's your name?
139
00:06:03,344 --> 00:06:04,178
Michael.
140
00:06:04,245 --> 00:06:05,179
You're Derek now!
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00:06:16,791 --> 00:06:17,691
Oh!
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00:07:00,235 --> 00:07:03,003
Okay, Glenn,
time to reel her in.
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00:07:10,578 --> 00:07:13,263
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!
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00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,001
Ah, it's too much, too much.
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00:07:23,041 --> 00:07:24,741
I love stars!
146
00:07:27,579 --> 00:07:30,781
We now return to Grainy Footageof a Potential Bigfoot
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00:07:30,849 --> 00:07:33,400
that will surely spark a lively
debate in your household.
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00:07:36,938 --> 00:07:38,438
Oh, my God!
That is real!
149
00:07:38,506 --> 00:07:40,941
No, total fake.
150
00:07:41,009 --> 00:07:42,743
Look at that. That is obviously
a suit. It's a fraud.
151
00:07:42,810 --> 00:07:44,294
Look at the way it walks.
Totally fake.
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00:07:44,362 --> 00:07:45,696
Why would somebody
make that up, Lois?
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00:07:45,763 --> 00:07:46,864
What's in it for them?
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00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:50,334
Oh, hey, Mr. G.
How's it going?
155
00:07:50,401 --> 00:07:51,702
Quagmire, what are you
doing here?
156
00:07:51,769 --> 00:07:53,203
Hi, Glenn.
Bye, you guys.
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00:07:53,271 --> 00:07:54,671
Me and Glenn
are going out.
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00:07:54,739 --> 00:07:56,390
What?! Like
hell you are!
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00:07:56,457 --> 00:07:59,059
Don't worry, Dad!
I'll take care of him!
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00:07:59,127 --> 00:08:01,345
Stay away from my sis!
161
00:08:01,412 --> 00:08:03,463
Okay, you two have
fun on your date.
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00:08:03,548 --> 00:08:05,015
What?!
Drive carefully.
163
00:08:05,082 --> 00:08:06,517
We'll see you later.
164
00:08:06,584 --> 00:08:07,985
Lois, are you out
of your mind?!
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00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:09,853
We can't let Quagmire
take Meg out on a date!
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00:08:09,921 --> 00:08:11,321
That guy'll bang anything.
167
00:08:11,389 --> 00:08:13,040
Hey, Lois, I'm starving.
What's for dinner?
168
00:08:13,107 --> 00:08:15,225
I made meatloaf.
It's in the fridge.
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00:08:15,293 --> 00:08:17,211
Hey, Peter, do you mind?
170
00:08:17,278 --> 00:08:18,695
But I have
to get dinner.
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00:08:18,763 --> 00:08:20,080
Go out!
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00:08:20,148 --> 00:08:21,081
Peter, nothing's
gonna happen.
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00:08:21,149 --> 00:08:22,432
Don't you see?
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00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:24,701
She's only doing this
to get a rise out of us.
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00:08:24,769 --> 00:08:26,870
If we fight her on it,
she'll only push further.
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00:08:26,938 --> 00:08:28,805
Well, she may not plan
on sleeping with him,
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00:08:28,873 --> 00:08:30,624
but you don't know how
smooth Quagmire is, Lois.
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00:08:30,692 --> 00:08:31,792
He's like a vagician.
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00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:33,227
Oh, that's clever.
180
00:08:33,294 --> 00:08:35,462
I know! Isn't it?
He practices vagic.
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00:08:35,530 --> 00:08:36,897
"Vagician" was funnier.
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00:08:36,965 --> 00:08:38,865
Okay, well, the point is,
we ought to be worried.
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00:08:38,933 --> 00:08:39,933
Peter, trust me.
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00:08:40,001 --> 00:08:41,568
I know what's going on
in her head.
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00:08:41,636 --> 00:08:42,736
It's just a game.
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00:08:42,804 --> 00:08:45,072
I used to do the same
thing to my parents.
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00:08:45,139 --> 00:08:46,707
The problem is,
they pushed back,
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00:08:46,774 --> 00:08:48,609
and the results
were not good.
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00:08:49,777 --> 00:08:50,911
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
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00:08:50,979 --> 00:08:52,346
we pumped your
daughter's stomach
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00:08:52,413 --> 00:08:54,448
and we found vodka, Rohypnol,
a fair amount of DNA
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00:08:54,515 --> 00:08:56,783
that is not her own
and a class ring.
193
00:08:56,851 --> 00:08:57,918
Harvard?
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00:08:57,986 --> 00:09:00,187
I think it was
SUNY something.
195
00:09:00,255 --> 00:09:01,822
Oh, I don't want
to hear any more!
196
00:09:04,208 --> 00:09:05,776
So how're
your studies going?
197
00:09:05,843 --> 00:09:06,843
They're going
pretty good.
198
00:09:06,911 --> 00:09:08,412
School's good.
199
00:09:08,479 --> 00:09:09,813
What's your favorite class?
200
00:09:09,881 --> 00:09:11,548
What was your
favorite class?
201
00:09:11,616 --> 00:09:13,383
Okay, let's say it
at the same time
202
00:09:13,451 --> 00:09:14,685
and see if they're
the same.
203
00:09:14,752 --> 00:09:16,286
Okay, one, two, three.
204
00:09:16,354 --> 00:09:17,621
Hist... math!
Math!
205
00:09:17,689 --> 00:09:19,890
Oh, my God, we have
so much in common!
206
00:09:19,958 --> 00:09:21,491
Do you have any brothers
or sisters?
207
00:09:21,559 --> 00:09:22,659
Yeah, I have
two brothers.
208
00:09:22,727 --> 00:09:23,760
Aw, they sound
terrific.
209
00:09:23,828 --> 00:09:25,162
Hey, you want to blow
this joint?
210
00:09:25,229 --> 00:09:26,296
Sure.
211
00:09:26,364 --> 00:09:28,565
Oh, wow, really?!
All right, go for it!
212
00:09:28,633 --> 00:09:30,217
Come on. Let's go.
213
00:09:30,285 --> 00:09:31,618
Oh, oh, you,
you mean leave.
214
00:09:31,686 --> 00:09:33,320
No, yeah, sure.
No, let's go.
215
00:09:36,608 --> 00:09:38,942
Gosh, Meg, I sure had
a swell time with you.
216
00:09:39,010 --> 00:09:41,178
Me, too, Glenn.
God, it's so amazing
217
00:09:41,245 --> 00:09:43,280
that you've been my dad's friend
for, like, years,
218
00:09:43,348 --> 00:09:44,982
and now we have this connection.
219
00:09:45,049 --> 00:09:46,383
Hey, do you want
to come in
220
00:09:46,451 --> 00:09:47,851
for some Crystal Light
or something?
221
00:09:47,902 --> 00:09:50,470
Well, I do believe in me,
but it's getting kind of late.
222
00:09:50,538 --> 00:09:52,973
Um, I really want to
see you again, though.
223
00:09:53,041 --> 00:09:54,875
Oh, you know it.
224
00:10:02,667 --> 00:10:04,201
Oh, God, Peter!
225
00:10:04,268 --> 00:10:05,502
Scared the
hell out of me!
226
00:10:05,570 --> 00:10:07,704
What're you doing here?
I think you know.
227
00:10:07,772 --> 00:10:09,306
Did you have sex
with my daughter?
228
00:10:09,374 --> 00:10:11,341
What? Come on, Peter.
229
00:10:11,409 --> 00:10:12,709
Did you have sex
with my daughter?!
230
00:10:12,777 --> 00:10:14,511
Peter, trust me,
it's not happening.
231
00:10:14,579 --> 00:10:16,013
All right. Good.
232
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:17,814
Yeah, she's really making
me work for it.
233
00:10:17,882 --> 00:10:19,282
Maybe you could
talk to her.
234
00:10:19,350 --> 00:10:20,651
Well, I'll try,
235
00:10:20,718 --> 00:10:22,753
but sometimes she can be
as stubborn as a mule.
236
00:10:22,820 --> 00:10:24,421
I tell you, you tell her
to do something once,
237
00:10:24,489 --> 00:10:25,989
she does the opposite.
238
00:10:26,057 --> 00:10:27,524
You know, it's like
she ain't even heard you
239
00:10:27,592 --> 00:10:28,792
in the first place.
240
00:10:28,860 --> 00:10:30,160
It's like talking
to a brick wall.
241
00:10:30,228 --> 00:10:31,828
Worse than talking...
242
00:10:31,896 --> 00:10:33,714
Even a brick wall doesn't tell
you they understand you,
243
00:10:33,781 --> 00:10:35,115
and then go do the opposite,
you know?
244
00:10:35,183 --> 00:10:36,667
So it's no surprise to me
245
00:10:36,734 --> 00:10:37,951
that you're having
these difficulties.
246
00:10:38,019 --> 00:10:40,887
That-that just seems
to be the way she is.
247
00:10:40,955 --> 00:10:42,756
You know, whether it's just
that she's not listening
248
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,275
or whether it's that she's
making a conscious decision
249
00:10:45,343 --> 00:10:48,345
to defy your wishes,
who can say, you know?
250
00:10:48,413 --> 00:10:50,013
And I would say,
in some respects,
251
00:10:50,081 --> 00:10:52,382
having a strong-willed kid
is a good thing,
252
00:10:52,450 --> 00:10:54,418
but it can get frustrating
as hell on the other side.
253
00:10:54,485 --> 00:10:55,686
So, you know, lieve me,
254
00:10:55,753 --> 00:10:57,154
I hear loud and clear
where you're--
255
00:10:57,221 --> 00:10:59,456
Wait a second!
No, I won't talk to her!
256
00:10:59,524 --> 00:11:01,758
And I want you to stay the hell
away from her!
257
00:11:01,826 --> 00:11:03,827
Peter it's me-- Quagmire.
258
00:11:03,895 --> 00:11:05,429
This is what I do.
259
00:11:05,496 --> 00:11:08,098
Besides, Meg is 18 now
and you've gotta let go.
260
00:11:08,166 --> 00:11:10,133
You've done your job.
It's my turn now.
261
00:11:10,201 --> 00:11:12,335
Look, Quagmire, you're
one of my best pals,
262
00:11:12,403 --> 00:11:14,504
and I'm asking you
not to do this.
263
00:11:14,572 --> 00:11:16,440
I want to help you,
Peter, I really do,
264
00:11:16,507 --> 00:11:18,775
but it's-- it's like you're
asking a fish not to swim.
265
00:11:18,843 --> 00:11:20,160
She's legal and I'm going in.
266
00:11:20,228 --> 00:11:21,728
Well, we'll see about that.
267
00:11:21,796 --> 00:11:23,530
I ain't afraid
to stand up to friends.
268
00:11:23,598 --> 00:11:24,815
Just ask Spartacus.
269
00:11:24,882 --> 00:11:26,349
I'm Spartacus.
270
00:11:26,417 --> 00:11:27,901
I'm Spartacus.
271
00:11:27,969 --> 00:11:28,935
That guy's
Spartacus.
272
00:11:32,306 --> 00:11:36,109
- We now return to Two Lame- Chicks on Vacation in Mexico.
273
00:11:37,378 --> 00:11:40,030
Oh, my God, don't
drink the water.
274
00:11:40,098 --> 00:11:42,399
I'm so going to brush
my teeth with tequila.
275
00:11:42,467 --> 00:11:44,134
Mexico!
Mexico!
276
00:11:44,185 --> 00:11:45,969
Hey, is this beach topless?
277
00:11:46,020 --> 00:11:48,388
No, but my
margarita's bottomless.
278
00:11:48,456 --> 00:11:50,056
Mexico!
Mexico!
279
00:11:50,124 --> 00:11:53,193
That cute guy's been
staring at you all night.
280
00:11:53,261 --> 00:11:56,730
Oh, my God. I'm going to go poo
now, so I don't have to later.
281
00:11:56,798 --> 00:11:58,565
Mexico!
Mexico!
282
00:11:58,633 --> 00:12:01,451
Hey, you want to see
my pictures from Mexico?
283
00:12:01,519 --> 00:12:06,056
Look, Janine, I just-- this is--
I can't with you anymore.
284
00:12:06,124 --> 00:12:08,525
It's all the time.
This is a job.
285
00:12:08,593 --> 00:12:10,227
Please take off
that silly hat.
286
00:12:12,430 --> 00:12:16,032
- Mexico!
- I... I can't talk right now.
287
00:12:18,853 --> 00:12:19,719
You okay?
288
00:12:19,804 --> 00:12:21,104
Yeah, babe.
289
00:12:21,172 --> 00:12:22,756
I got to pee,
but I don't want to move.
290
00:12:22,824 --> 00:12:24,357
I'm so comfortable right now.
291
00:12:24,442 --> 00:12:25,692
I can pause it.
292
00:12:25,777 --> 00:12:26,993
I guess you could
pause it...
293
00:12:27,061 --> 00:12:28,344
but you can't pause me!
294
00:12:28,396 --> 00:12:29,780
Fast forward.
Fast forward.
295
00:12:29,847 --> 00:12:31,231
Fast forward.
Glenn, stop.
296
00:12:31,315 --> 00:12:32,682
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe either.
297
00:12:32,733 --> 00:12:33,850
This is torture
for me, too.
298
00:12:33,901 --> 00:12:34,851
No fair. Stop.
299
00:12:34,902 --> 00:12:36,503
I'm going to...
300
00:12:36,571 --> 00:12:38,138
Sorry.
301
00:12:38,206 --> 00:12:40,240
Ah, that's all right.
It's just your body.
302
00:12:40,308 --> 00:12:41,908
Sometimes things slip out.
303
00:12:41,976 --> 00:12:43,443
Probably just making
room for something.
304
00:12:43,511 --> 00:12:45,045
Like what?
305
00:12:45,129 --> 00:12:47,481
Hey, gang, got room for one more
right in the middle of you two?
306
00:12:47,548 --> 00:12:49,483
Come on, scooch apart, there.
307
00:12:49,550 --> 00:12:51,418
Ooh, what's this?
Quagmire's cell phone?
308
00:12:51,502 --> 00:12:53,086
Well, now that you're with Meg,
309
00:12:53,171 --> 00:12:55,889
you don't need to be talking to,
uh, "Backbush" anymore.
310
00:12:55,973 --> 00:12:58,308
Oh, and I'll send a text to
"Possible Nipple Ring"
311
00:12:58,376 --> 00:12:59,843
saying you're off the market.
312
00:13:01,462 --> 00:13:03,730
You're "Possible Nipple Ring"?
313
00:13:03,815 --> 00:13:05,966
All right, well, I better
send a text to "Backbush."
314
00:13:07,235 --> 00:13:08,535
Oh, come on.
I'm "Backbush"?
315
00:13:08,603 --> 00:13:10,237
This can't be a
surprise to you, Peter.
316
00:13:10,304 --> 00:13:11,872
Yeah, I knew.
317
00:13:11,939 --> 00:13:14,191
I just didn't know you knew.
318
00:13:16,227 --> 00:13:17,828
Okay, what compound is this?
319
00:13:17,895 --> 00:13:19,229
That's sodium chloride.
320
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:20,797
That's right.
How about this one?
321
00:13:20,865 --> 00:13:22,132
Hydrogen peroxide.
322
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,184
God, you're so smart.
How about this one?
323
00:13:24,252 --> 00:13:27,237
QM2? I'm not sure
what that is.
324
00:13:27,305 --> 00:13:28,805
It's Quag-megium.
325
00:13:28,873 --> 00:13:30,707
It's the strongest
compound on Earth.
326
00:13:30,775 --> 00:13:32,108
Nothing can separate it.
327
00:13:32,176 --> 00:13:34,411
It has an atomic weight
of awesome.
328
00:13:34,478 --> 00:13:36,379
You're such a
cutie patootie.
329
00:13:36,447 --> 00:13:39,349
If I'm a cutie patootie, then
you're a peenie-vageenie.
330
00:13:39,417 --> 00:13:40,467
Aww!
331
00:13:40,551 --> 00:13:42,919
I heard a cute "aw" in there.
Cool down!
332
00:13:47,708 --> 00:13:50,460
Meg, there's something
we need to talk about.
333
00:13:50,528 --> 00:13:52,963
Dad, I swear to God, I thought
you could flush those things.
334
00:13:53,030 --> 00:13:54,452
Meg, you ever heard
of Joan Van Ark?
335
00:13:54,477 --> 00:13:55,532
No.
336
00:13:55,533 --> 00:13:57,100
Here's a picture
of Joan Van Ark.
337
00:13:57,168 --> 00:13:58,935
Oh, my God, she's gorgeous.
338
00:13:59,003 --> 00:14:00,237
Gorgeous. Yes.
339
00:14:00,304 --> 00:14:02,005
Yes, Meg, gorgeous.
340
00:14:02,073 --> 00:14:03,773
Yes.
Every man wanted her.
341
00:14:03,841 --> 00:14:05,675
But one man got her.
342
00:14:05,743 --> 00:14:08,945
A man she trusted to keep her
safe and beautiful forever.
343
00:14:09,013 --> 00:14:10,513
That man was Glenn Quagmire.
344
00:14:10,581 --> 00:14:12,115
And two short months later,
345
00:14:12,183 --> 00:14:14,050
this is what happened
to Joan Van Ark.
346
00:14:14,118 --> 00:14:16,586
Oh! Oh, my God!
347
00:14:16,654 --> 00:14:18,455
I don't want this
to happen to you, Meg.
348
00:14:18,522 --> 00:14:20,657
I don't want you to turn
into a hilarious photograph.
349
00:14:20,725 --> 00:14:22,292
Dad, I know what
you're trying to do,
350
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:23,827
and I want you
to stop it.
351
00:14:23,895 --> 00:14:24,794
Mom!
352
00:14:24,862 --> 00:14:25,929
What is it, Meg?
353
00:14:25,997 --> 00:14:27,797
Mom, tell Dad
to leave me alone.
354
00:14:27,865 --> 00:14:30,066
I'm 18, and he keeps
treating me like a kid.
355
00:14:30,134 --> 00:14:33,570
Peter, I told you not to push
her about this Quagmire thing.
356
00:14:33,638 --> 00:14:35,034
If you push too hard,
357
00:14:35,059 --> 00:14:36,659
you're going to push her
right into his arms.
358
00:14:36,741 --> 00:14:37,991
Well, what am I supposed to do?
359
00:14:38,059 --> 00:14:39,209
Nothing.
360
00:14:39,277 --> 00:14:40,777
This is a big game
Meg is playing,
361
00:14:40,845 --> 00:14:43,079
and the only way to win
is not to play it.
362
00:14:43,147 --> 00:14:45,615
Is that a WarGames reference?
Might be.
363
00:14:45,683 --> 00:14:48,018
You know WarGames?
Yeah.
364
00:14:48,085 --> 00:14:49,586
Still finding out
new stuff about you.
365
00:14:49,654 --> 00:14:50,754
That's the adventure.
366
00:14:50,821 --> 00:14:51,955
There's a nerd in there.
367
00:14:52,023 --> 00:14:53,089
Maybe there is.
368
00:14:53,157 --> 00:14:54,524
I might bang her later.
369
00:14:54,592 --> 00:14:55,959
How about a nice
game of chess?
370
00:14:56,027 --> 00:14:57,127
I prefer banging.
371
00:14:57,178 --> 00:14:59,129
Dad, have you seen my book bag?
372
00:14:59,196 --> 00:15:00,797
What, Chris?
373
00:15:05,002 --> 00:15:06,403
Oh, Peter, there you are.
374
00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:08,571
Would you go tell Meg
that lunch is on the table?
375
00:15:08,639 --> 00:15:10,340
Oh, Meg's not here.
What do you mean?
376
00:15:10,408 --> 00:15:12,108
She and Quagmire went up
to his cabin for the weekend.
377
00:15:12,110 --> 00:15:12,789
What?!
378
00:15:12,793 --> 00:15:14,461
Yeah, I drew you
a crude flip book
379
00:15:14,528 --> 00:15:15,795
to explain what's happening.
380
00:15:21,319 --> 00:15:22,953
Okay, I got
a little off track there,
381
00:15:23,020 --> 00:15:24,487
but they went to his cabin.
382
00:15:24,538 --> 00:15:27,040
Peter, Quagmire has
a name for that cabin.
383
00:15:27,108 --> 00:15:28,708
He calls it his sex cabin.
384
00:15:28,776 --> 00:15:30,777
No, he doesn't.
He calls it "The Stuffet Inn."
385
00:15:30,845 --> 00:15:32,545
Oh, my God, I can't believe
you knew about this
386
00:15:32,613 --> 00:15:33,697
and you let her go.
387
00:15:33,764 --> 00:15:35,031
Hey, don't give me that crap.
388
00:15:35,099 --> 00:15:36,800
I'm doing exactly
what you told me to do.
389
00:15:36,867 --> 00:15:38,752
You said don't mess with her
business, so I didn't.
390
00:15:38,819 --> 00:15:40,937
Peter, this is different.
391
00:15:41,005 --> 00:15:43,540
It's one thing to
rebelliously flaunt an older guy
392
00:15:43,607 --> 00:15:45,842
in front of your parents,
but it's a whole other thing
393
00:15:45,910 --> 00:15:48,345
to go away with him for the
weekend to his sex cabin.
394
00:15:48,412 --> 00:15:50,080
Oh, is that right?
395
00:15:50,147 --> 00:15:53,650
Oh, don't worry, Peter, he's
not going to sleep with her.
396
00:15:53,718 --> 00:15:55,952
That's you. Nerd.
397
00:15:56,020 --> 00:15:59,155
Look, everyone knows if you go
away with a guy for the weekend
398
00:15:59,223 --> 00:16:01,558
and don't have sex with him,
you're a huge bitch.
399
00:16:01,625 --> 00:16:03,026
We got to stop them.
400
00:16:03,094 --> 00:16:04,527
So you admit you were wrong.
Yes.
401
00:16:04,595 --> 00:16:06,563
You admit you were stupid.
Yes, yes.
402
00:16:06,630 --> 00:16:08,448
You admit all women are stupid.
No.
403
00:16:08,532 --> 00:16:10,150
All right, I'll take
what I can get.
404
00:16:10,217 --> 00:16:11,317
Come on.
To the Peter-dactyl.
405
00:16:20,361 --> 00:16:23,296
Oh, no, now I got
to take care of the babies.
406
00:16:35,538 --> 00:16:37,457
Look, Peter,
his car's still there.
407
00:16:37,458 --> 00:16:38,992
Maybe they haven't left yet.
408
00:16:39,059 --> 00:16:42,162
Quagmire, let me in,
you son of a bitch.
409
00:16:42,229 --> 00:16:44,264
I'm sorry
I'm not home to receive you.
410
00:16:44,332 --> 00:16:46,433
The reason being that you have
sufficiently scared me away
411
00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:48,134
from your wife or daughter.
412
00:16:48,202 --> 00:16:51,738
I plan to get help and use
better judgment in the future.
413
00:16:51,806 --> 00:16:53,273
Wait a minute, so Quagmire
414
00:16:53,341 --> 00:16:54,908
just changed all of a
sudden, just like that?
415
00:16:54,976 --> 00:16:56,309
You want me to read this or not?
416
00:16:56,377 --> 00:16:58,078
No, Grandpa, I don't.
417
00:16:58,145 --> 00:17:00,180
No kid wants to be read
anything any more.
418
00:17:00,247 --> 00:17:02,582
Computers exist.
It's just you won't leave.
419
00:17:02,650 --> 00:17:05,485
Okay, where were we?
Quagmire's front door.
420
00:17:05,553 --> 00:17:07,086
You think they're
hiding in there?
421
00:17:07,138 --> 00:17:09,306
Oh, no! Peter, look.
422
00:17:09,390 --> 00:17:11,358
See you later, suckers.
423
00:17:14,412 --> 00:17:16,863
Oh, good luck to them.
Peter!
424
00:17:16,931 --> 00:17:17,881
Oh, right, right.
Let's go.
425
00:17:26,841 --> 00:17:29,359
We're never going
to get up there.
426
00:17:29,427 --> 00:17:31,277
I wonder what's causing
all this traffic.
427
00:17:31,345 --> 00:17:33,046
Oh, boy.
Yep, there's the problem.
428
00:17:33,114 --> 00:17:34,147
Not drawn yet.
429
00:17:37,551 --> 00:17:39,352
Come on, guys.
Really? Let's go.
430
00:17:39,420 --> 00:17:41,154
What the hell's
going on up there?
431
00:17:44,458 --> 00:17:46,976
What...? Yep. Yep.
432
00:17:52,683 --> 00:17:53,983
So tell the truth.
433
00:17:54,051 --> 00:17:56,019
Have you brought
other women up here before?
434
00:17:56,087 --> 00:17:58,288
Honestly? Two.
Really?
435
00:17:58,356 --> 00:18:01,191
Yep, I brought the ashes
of my third grade teacher,
436
00:18:01,258 --> 00:18:02,826
Mrs. Nicholson, and spread
them across the lake,
437
00:18:02,893 --> 00:18:04,194
per her last request.
438
00:18:04,261 --> 00:18:05,261
Oh.
439
00:18:05,329 --> 00:18:06,730
The other was some skag
440
00:18:06,797 --> 00:18:08,060
I met on a dock
four miles from here.
441
00:18:08,085 --> 00:18:09,185
What?!
442
00:18:09,216 --> 00:18:11,751
Strike four, Jelly Jealouson.
443
00:18:11,819 --> 00:18:13,136
The other was my sister.
444
00:18:15,289 --> 00:18:17,457
It's so nice up here.
445
00:18:17,525 --> 00:18:19,492
I know.
I love the way the fire
446
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,811
makes the shadows dance around
behind us.
447
00:18:21,879 --> 00:18:23,980
One time, my friends
and I went camping,
448
00:18:24,048 --> 00:18:26,249
and nobody could
start a campfire,
449
00:18:26,317 --> 00:18:29,219
and then I tried to start
the campfire, and I could.
450
00:18:29,286 --> 00:18:30,754
That's insane.
451
00:18:30,821 --> 00:18:32,355
Wha-- what is going on
over here?
452
00:18:32,423 --> 00:18:34,357
Wha-- are we taking
our shirts off now?
453
00:18:34,425 --> 00:18:35,675
Okay, follow the leader.
454
00:18:37,695 --> 00:18:39,612
Come on, Peter, hurry!
455
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:40,847
Wait wait,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
456
00:18:42,450 --> 00:18:44,284
Listen to that.
It's a loon.
457
00:18:44,351 --> 00:18:45,819
That's beautiful.
458
00:18:45,886 --> 00:18:48,154
You know, we ought to get
a cabin up here.
459
00:18:48,222 --> 00:18:50,256
Peter, we're wasting time.
460
00:18:50,324 --> 00:18:52,992
Quagmire's in there about to
have sex with our daughter.
461
00:18:53,060 --> 00:18:54,277
That son of a bitch.
462
00:18:54,345 --> 00:18:57,647
Let's-- wait-- w-wait
a minute, do you hear that?
463
00:18:57,715 --> 00:18:59,048
I don't hear anything.
464
00:18:59,116 --> 00:19:01,151
I know.
Isn't it bliss?
465
00:19:01,218 --> 00:19:02,552
Peter, let's go!
466
00:19:02,620 --> 00:19:05,221
Mm. Thanks for
the ice cream, Glenn.
467
00:19:05,289 --> 00:19:06,656
And you're right, somehow
468
00:19:06,724 --> 00:19:08,124
it does taste better
in my underpants.
469
00:19:08,192 --> 00:19:09,893
Yeah, it's like being
at the beach, huh?
470
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,028
Now get over here while
the inside of your mouth
471
00:19:12,096 --> 00:19:13,596
is still freezing cold.
472
00:19:15,232 --> 00:19:17,600
There you are,
you son of a bitch!
473
00:19:19,570 --> 00:19:21,488
You get away from
my daughter, you pervert!
474
00:19:21,555 --> 00:19:22,889
Meg, get in the car,
we're going home.
475
00:19:22,957 --> 00:19:24,507
I'm not going home!
476
00:19:24,575 --> 00:19:27,059
I'm 18, and you can't tell
me what to do anymore.
477
00:19:27,111 --> 00:19:28,862
Meg, I'm only going
to say this once.
478
00:19:28,929 --> 00:19:31,030
You may be an adult,
but you're still my daughter,
479
00:19:31,098 --> 00:19:33,166
and it's my job to protect
you from errant wieners.
480
00:19:33,234 --> 00:19:34,868
So, I don't care
how old you are,
481
00:19:34,935 --> 00:19:37,403
you're going to do what I say
and get in the damn car!
482
00:19:37,471 --> 00:19:39,439
Yes, Daddy.
483
00:19:43,377 --> 00:19:46,796
If you ever touch
my daughter again,
484
00:19:46,864 --> 00:19:49,058
I will cut your thing off
and feed it to Brian.
485
00:19:49,083 --> 00:19:50,283
Okay.
486
00:19:50,401 --> 00:19:52,635
And Peter and I get this cabin
for one weekend a month.
487
00:19:52,703 --> 00:19:53,603
Do you understand me?
488
00:19:53,671 --> 00:19:54,838
Yes, ma'am.
489
00:19:54,905 --> 00:19:57,056
Peter, I got us the cabin.
Yay.
490
00:19:57,124 --> 00:19:59,058
I don't want to see your
face knocking on our door
491
00:19:59,126 --> 00:20:00,860
for at least a month.
492
00:20:00,928 --> 00:20:03,963
Would you sign the
guest book on your way out?
493
00:20:04,031 --> 00:20:06,716
Lois... Griffin.
494
00:20:06,784 --> 00:20:09,102
Peter... Griffin.
495
00:20:09,170 --> 00:20:12,038
We... heard... a loon.
496
00:20:15,476 --> 00:20:18,478
You know, Mom and Dad, I'm
really glad that you kept me
497
00:20:18,546 --> 00:20:20,146
from doing what
I was going to do.
498
00:20:20,214 --> 00:20:21,981
Well, that's what
parents are for, Meg.
499
00:20:22,049 --> 00:20:23,683
No matter what age you are.
500
00:20:23,751 --> 00:20:26,619
We love you and we just
never want to see you hurt.
501
00:20:26,687 --> 00:20:28,688
I only wish I'd seen
what was going on
502
00:20:28,756 --> 00:20:30,190
from the start,
like your father did.
503
00:20:30,257 --> 00:20:32,509
Well, I know the signs...
504
00:20:32,593 --> 00:20:34,627
because the same thing
happened to me.
505
00:20:34,678 --> 00:20:35,478
An older neighbor.
506
00:20:35,563 --> 00:20:37,630
Her name was Elaine.
507
00:20:37,681 --> 00:20:40,800
I was 18 and my body was firm
from push-ups and sit-ups.
508
00:20:40,851 --> 00:20:42,936
I was stunning.
509
00:20:43,003 --> 00:20:44,270
But while my body was mature,
510
00:20:44,338 --> 00:20:46,472
I had the mind of a 12-year-old.
511
00:20:46,540 --> 00:20:49,642
Elaine invited me over
with the promise of pie.
512
00:20:49,710 --> 00:20:51,377
Little did I know
this would lead
513
00:20:51,445 --> 00:20:54,447
to an eight-year-long
psychosexual entanglement.
514
00:20:54,515 --> 00:20:56,249
She's probably dead now.
515
00:20:56,317 --> 00:20:58,618
Life's funny sometimes.
516
00:20:58,686 --> 00:21:00,503
And... scene.
517
00:21:25,521 --> 00:21:30,521
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
518
00:21:32,067 --> 00:21:36,730
Sync for WEBDL: VeRdiKT
[Addic7ed.com]
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