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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,811 --> 00:00:08,147
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,428 --> 00:00:11,496
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,563 --> 00:00:14,464
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,532 --> 00:00:18,401
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,468 --> 00:00:21,337
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,404 --> 00:00:22,938
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,006 --> 00:00:24,307
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,374 --> 00:00:26,624
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:26,625 --> 00:00:29,625
♪ Family Guy 10x06 ♪
Thanksgiving
Original Air Date on November 20, 2011
11
00:00:29,650 --> 00:00:32,650
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
00:00:35,519 --> 00:00:37,354
And we're back with our coverage
13
00:00:37,421 --> 00:00:38,888
of the Quahog
Thanksgiving Day Parade.
14
00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:40,240
Happy Turkey Day, Quahog.
15
00:00:40,307 --> 00:00:42,008
This is Tom Tucker
and Joyce Kinney
16
00:00:42,076 --> 00:00:43,243
live at the parade.
17
00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:45,412
We've got some on-and-off
drizzle here today,
18
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:47,147
and we're a little w,
as you can see,
19
00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:50,279
because, apparently, there are
no awnings that exist anywhere.
20
00:00:50,682 --> 00:00:52,206
There's your top news
story right there.
21
00:00:52,207 --> 00:00:54,742
Mysterious awning
shortage ravages the Northeast,
22
00:00:55,003 --> 00:00:58,205
but miraculously has not
affected Channels 2 or 6.
23
00:01:00,208 --> 00:01:02,009
No no. Keep the camera
over there.
24
00:01:02,077 --> 00:01:03,044
I want everyone to see it.
25
00:01:03,111 --> 00:01:05,212
This is why we're third.
26
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:07,548
And here comes our first
float of the day, Tom.
27
00:01:07,616 --> 00:01:09,850
It's the James Woods
High football team
28
00:01:09,918 --> 00:01:11,469
with their
"Not Gay Revue."
29
00:01:12,938 --> 00:01:15,006
♪ We just won the big game ♪
30
00:01:16,308 --> 00:01:17,808
♪ We just won the big game ♪
31
00:01:19,594 --> 00:01:20,811
♪ We drilled 'em and banged 'em ♪
32
00:01:20,862 --> 00:01:22,396
♪ And plowed 'em a lot ♪
33
00:01:22,464 --> 00:01:23,748
♪ And though that
sounds suggestive ♪
34
00:01:23,815 --> 00:01:25,716
♪ Let me stress that it's not. ♪
35
00:01:25,784 --> 00:01:28,170
And here comes the Rocky and
Bullwinkle float.
36
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,755
Always a popular sight
here at the par...
37
00:01:30,822 --> 00:01:32,623
S-Somebody want
to handle that?
38
00:01:32,691 --> 00:01:33,791
Does some--
does some--
39
00:01:33,859 --> 00:01:35,626
Does somebody want
to deal with that?
40
00:01:35,694 --> 00:01:37,728
The car alarm,
"what."
41
00:01:37,796 --> 00:01:38,796
You're kidding.
44
00:01:42,534 --> 00:01:45,336
Ph-Phil, Phil just open it--
unlock the doors.
45
00:01:45,404 --> 00:01:47,638
You don't have to put
the key in the ignition.
46
00:01:47,706 --> 00:01:49,774
Well, open the
driver's side first.
47
00:01:49,841 --> 00:01:51,776
Okay, well, I guess
it's broken, then,
48
00:01:51,843 --> 00:01:53,144
and there's nothing
we can do about it.
49
00:01:53,211 --> 00:01:54,412
Okay, happy Thanksgiving,
Quahog.
50
00:01:54,479 --> 00:01:55,513
Here's a car alarm.
51
00:01:56,865 --> 00:01:58,165
All right, well,
I guess we'll just...
52
00:01:58,233 --> 00:01:59,600
Ahhh, there we go.
53
00:02:00,819 --> 00:02:02,069
Oh, that must be
Joe and Bonnie.
54
00:02:02,154 --> 00:02:04,071
Now remember everyone,
let's be cheerful,
55
00:02:04,139 --> 00:02:06,207
'cause Thanksgivings
are very hard for them.
56
00:02:06,274 --> 00:02:07,742
'Cause Joe can't walk?
No.
57
00:02:07,809 --> 00:02:10,111
'Cause his bum doesn't
open up to poo anymore,
58
00:02:10,178 --> 00:02:12,079
and a nurse has to
go digging up there
59
00:02:12,147 --> 00:02:13,664
to get up after
his stuff?
60
00:02:14,733 --> 00:02:15,783
Oh, my God!
61
00:02:15,851 --> 00:02:16,884
I know.
62
00:02:16,952 --> 00:02:18,419
That was told to me
in confidence.
63
00:02:18,487 --> 00:02:20,087
No. Don't you
remember, Peter?
64
00:02:20,155 --> 00:02:21,439
It was
on Thanksgiving
65
00:02:21,506 --> 00:02:23,207
that their son Kevin
got killed in Iraq.
66
00:02:24,342 --> 00:02:25,593
Look who's here!
67
00:02:25,660 --> 00:02:27,011
Happy Thanksgiving.
68
00:02:27,062 --> 00:02:28,195
Gobble gobble.
69
00:02:28,263 --> 00:02:30,598
You guys, thanks so much
for having us over.
70
00:02:30,665 --> 00:02:33,200
Well, we're just glad we
can have people over again
71
00:02:33,268 --> 00:02:34,668
now that that giant
crab's gone.
72
00:02:34,736 --> 00:02:36,821
Hey, guys, how ya doin'?
Come on in.
73
00:02:36,888 --> 00:02:38,606
No-no-no-no-no-no-no.
74
00:02:38,690 --> 00:02:39,907
No-no-no-no-no,
no-no-no-no-no.
75
00:02:39,991 --> 00:02:41,058
Just go around it.
76
00:02:41,109 --> 00:02:41,909
He's not gonna
hurt ya.
77
00:02:41,993 --> 00:02:43,194
Just go around it.
78
00:02:43,245 --> 00:02:44,228
No-no-no-no-no-no-no.
79
00:02:44,279 --> 00:02:45,196
No-no-no-no-no,
no-no-no-no-no.
80
00:02:45,247 --> 00:02:46,330
No-no-no-no-no.
81
00:02:46,397 --> 00:02:47,731
All right, try just
going under him.
82
00:02:47,783 --> 00:02:49,333
I think we should
probably just go home.
83
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:50,618
Maybe we'll do it
another time.
84
00:02:50,702 --> 00:02:51,535
No-no-no-no-no.
85
00:02:58,627 --> 00:02:59,577
What the hell?
86
00:02:59,644 --> 00:03:00,594
Mom!
87
00:03:00,679 --> 00:03:01,679
Mom, it's me! Mom!
88
00:03:01,747 --> 00:03:03,414
Oh, yeah, it's a baby.
89
00:03:03,482 --> 00:03:05,082
It's a big balloon, baby,
90
00:03:05,150 --> 00:03:06,417
just like you're a baby.
91
00:03:06,485 --> 00:03:07,451
No, it's me!
92
00:03:07,519 --> 00:03:08,469
It's a balloon of me!
93
00:03:08,537 --> 00:03:09,854
Peter, come
look at this.
94
00:03:09,921 --> 00:03:12,389
He sees a baby and knows
that he's also a baby.
95
00:03:12,457 --> 00:03:13,624
So smart.
96
00:03:13,692 --> 00:03:15,326
Mama's smart little boy.
97
00:03:15,393 --> 00:03:17,027
Aah, check out Quagmire.
98
00:03:17,095 --> 00:03:18,429
It's been a year and a half,
99
00:03:18,497 --> 00:03:20,781
and he still looks
uncomfortable around his dad.
100
00:03:20,849 --> 00:03:22,416
Well, it's a
big adjustment.
101
00:03:22,484 --> 00:03:25,486
After all, his dad did have
a sex-change operation.
102
00:03:25,554 --> 00:03:28,089
So, uh...
how-how are things, Dad?
103
00:03:28,156 --> 00:03:31,425
Oh, Glenn, I can't tell you how
wonderful it is to be back here.
104
00:03:31,493 --> 00:03:33,744
This is gonna be a really
special Thanksgiving.
105
00:03:33,795 --> 00:03:35,679
Happy Thanksgiving!
106
00:03:35,747 --> 00:03:37,231
We brought
chicken wings.
107
00:03:37,299 --> 00:03:40,000
Oh, yum. I hope they're the
kind with the bone removed.
108
00:03:44,139 --> 00:03:45,089
Hey, Aunt Carol.
109
00:03:45,157 --> 00:03:46,157
Hey, Uncle Adam.
110
00:03:46,224 --> 00:03:47,558
♪ La la la la la. ♪
111
00:03:47,626 --> 00:03:49,760
Don't mention last night's
Project Runway.
112
00:03:49,828 --> 00:03:51,262
I've got it on TiVo.
113
00:03:51,313 --> 00:03:52,596
Happy Thanksgiving.
114
00:03:52,647 --> 00:03:54,248
I brought Marshmallow Peeps.
115
00:03:54,316 --> 00:03:55,249
Oh.
116
00:03:55,317 --> 00:03:56,450
Okay.
117
00:03:56,518 --> 00:03:58,686
I'm gonna need
that Pyrex dish back.
118
00:03:58,753 --> 00:03:59,887
Okay.
119
00:03:59,955 --> 00:04:01,922
I'm gonna need it back now.
120
00:04:01,990 --> 00:04:03,157
Oh.
121
00:04:04,526 --> 00:04:06,076
I don't want
anything else today
122
00:04:06,144 --> 00:04:08,145
to get as tense
as that just got.
123
00:04:08,196 --> 00:04:09,947
Carol, it's so good
to see you.
124
00:04:10,015 --> 00:04:11,248
You, too, Lois.
125
00:04:11,316 --> 00:04:12,917
God, that is
one nice ass.
126
00:04:12,984 --> 00:04:14,351
Thank you.
You're welcome.
127
00:04:16,254 --> 00:04:17,354
This is nice.
128
00:04:17,422 --> 00:04:19,023
This is very nice,
129
00:04:19,090 --> 00:04:21,158
the time that we're spending
together right now.
130
00:04:21,226 --> 00:04:22,159
Easy, Joe.
131
00:04:23,328 --> 00:04:25,296
Sorry.
Just making mental memories
132
00:04:25,363 --> 00:04:27,298
for when you're all
inevitably dead,
133
00:04:27,365 --> 00:04:28,632
and I'm left alone.
134
00:04:28,700 --> 00:04:30,434
Geez. Quagmire, help me out
with this.
135
00:04:30,502 --> 00:04:31,936
No, he's right.
I mean, sometimes
136
00:04:32,003 --> 00:04:33,938
chicks die, and it's
not anyone's fault.
137
00:04:34,005 --> 00:04:36,874
Okay, everyone, it's 2:30.
Time for dinner.
138
00:04:36,942 --> 00:04:40,377
'Cause on Thanksgiving, 2:30
is dinnertime for some reason.
139
00:04:43,849 --> 00:04:45,049
Oh, my.
140
00:04:45,116 --> 00:04:47,418
Lois, those sweet potatoes
look delicious.
141
00:04:47,485 --> 00:04:48,919
That's the
stuffing, Ma.
142
00:04:48,987 --> 00:04:51,722
Now put on your glasses before
you run over another black guy.
143
00:04:51,790 --> 00:04:53,357
Oh, this looks fantastic.
144
00:04:53,425 --> 00:04:55,376
I can't wait to poop this out.
145
00:04:55,460 --> 00:04:56,694
Hey! Who's gonna get
146
00:04:56,761 --> 00:04:58,829
the Thanksgiving dump trophy
this year?
147
00:04:58,897 --> 00:05:00,564
You are!
Dad's gonna get it!
148
00:05:00,632 --> 00:05:01,498
Who else?
149
00:05:02,634 --> 00:05:04,335
Loving.
Loving family.
150
00:05:04,402 --> 00:05:06,370
Well, dig in, everyone!
151
00:05:10,542 --> 00:05:12,176
Hello, Ida.
Hello, Brian.
152
00:05:12,244 --> 00:05:14,078
How have you been?
Very well, thank you.
153
00:05:14,145 --> 00:05:17,081
He threw up when he found out
you were a monster.
154
00:05:17,148 --> 00:05:19,483
This food is so (bleep) good,
Lois.
155
00:05:19,551 --> 00:05:21,852
Oh. Okay.
Wow.
156
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,188
Hey! Is there room at that table
for one more?
157
00:05:28,109 --> 00:05:29,310
Oh, my God!
158
00:05:29,377 --> 00:05:30,878
Kevin Swanson!
159
00:05:30,946 --> 00:05:32,746
Son, you're alive!
160
00:05:32,814 --> 00:05:35,716
Aw, and I stayed up all night
writing dead kid jokes.
161
00:05:35,784 --> 00:05:37,451
All right, you know what,
I'm gonna do one anyway.
162
00:05:37,519 --> 00:05:38,786
Kevin, go back outside.
163
00:05:38,870 --> 00:05:40,337
Everybody pretend
this didn't happen.
164
00:05:40,405 --> 00:05:43,974
Hey, Joe, what's your favorite
preparation of a tomato?
165
00:05:44,042 --> 00:05:46,744
Is it son-died tomato?
166
00:05:47,879 --> 00:05:50,781
Is it son-died tomato?
167
00:05:50,849 --> 00:05:52,416
Okay, Kevin, you
can come back in.
168
00:05:52,467 --> 00:05:53,750
Welcome home, soldier.
169
00:05:54,819 --> 00:05:56,420
Son-died tomato.
170
00:06:03,628 --> 00:06:05,078
Kevin, you're alive!
171
00:06:05,146 --> 00:06:06,012
I don't believe it.
172
00:06:06,064 --> 00:06:08,081
Oh, my God, it's a miracle!
173
00:06:08,149 --> 00:06:09,916
Well, I guess
you replaced real butter
174
00:06:09,984 --> 00:06:11,284
as the star of the dinner.
175
00:06:11,352 --> 00:06:12,819
But I don't understand.
176
00:06:12,887 --> 00:06:14,588
The Army said you'd
been killed in action.
177
00:06:14,655 --> 00:06:15,555
What happened?
178
00:06:15,623 --> 00:06:18,325
Well, it's quite a story.
179
00:06:18,392 --> 00:06:21,828
In some ways, Army life in Iraqis what you'd expect,
180
00:06:21,896 --> 00:06:23,563
what with the blistering heat,
181
00:06:23,614 --> 00:06:25,332
the constant senseof impending danger,
182
00:06:25,399 --> 00:06:27,167
and the one gay soldier
183
00:06:27,234 --> 00:06:28,802
awkwardly avoidingthe use of pronouns.
184
00:06:28,870 --> 00:06:31,204
Man, I sure miss my
sweetheart back home.
185
00:06:31,272 --> 00:06:33,423
I can't wait to get
back to that person.
186
00:06:33,491 --> 00:06:35,092
Chow time, boys.
187
00:06:35,176 --> 00:06:36,893
Yes, sir, Sergeant
Major General Captain!
188
00:06:36,961 --> 00:06:38,728
Ah, come on, boys,
it's Thanksgiving.
189
00:06:38,796 --> 00:06:40,630
Call me Major
General Captain.
190
00:06:40,698 --> 00:06:41,882
Now you eat up.
191
00:06:43,401 --> 00:06:46,103
I don't trust that turkey
those Iraqis made.
192
00:06:46,187 --> 00:06:47,721
Ah, you're all wet, Swanson.
193
00:06:47,772 --> 00:06:48,722
I call the white meat.
194
00:06:48,773 --> 00:06:50,107
I call the dark meat.
195
00:06:50,191 --> 00:06:51,725
I call the cell phone
duct-taped to the side!
196
00:06:51,776 --> 00:06:52,609
Noooooo!
197
00:06:56,481 --> 00:06:58,615
They're all dead, sir,
except for Swanson.
198
00:06:58,683 --> 00:07:00,884
He's in a coma, but he's
unlikely to recover.
199
00:07:00,952 --> 00:07:03,670
Okay, well, just send Swanson's
parents a letter saying
200
00:07:03,738 --> 00:07:05,872
that he's dead, 'cause
those are already printed.
201
00:07:05,940 --> 00:07:07,474
You know what? Send one
to my parents, too.
202
00:07:07,542 --> 00:07:10,477
I spent five years in a
Kuwait military hospital.
203
00:07:10,545 --> 00:07:12,395
I woke up from
the coma last week,
204
00:07:12,463 --> 00:07:13,797
and I flew straight here.
205
00:07:13,881 --> 00:07:15,515
Kind of a
Thanksgiving surprise.
206
00:07:15,583 --> 00:07:18,451
Hey, when you get sexually
abused while you're in a coma,
207
00:07:18,519 --> 00:07:19,936
do you know
it's happening
208
00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:21,388
and just can't do
anything about it?
209
00:07:21,455 --> 00:07:23,023
Or do u not even
know what's going on?
210
00:07:23,090 --> 00:07:24,758
I also am curious about that.
211
00:07:24,826 --> 00:07:26,393
Hey, Kevin, you know
I put a yellow ribbon
212
00:07:26,460 --> 00:07:27,794
on my car for you guys?
213
00:07:27,862 --> 00:07:30,530
And-and a little thing that says
"I support the troops."
214
00:07:30,598 --> 00:07:33,033
'Cause there's nothing
I wouldn't do for you guys.
215
00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:35,435
but I don't have
any change on me right now.
216
00:07:35,486 --> 00:07:38,054
Well, all that matters
is that my boy is home.
217
00:07:38,122 --> 00:07:41,224
Kevin, I want you to meet
your little sister, Susie.
218
00:07:41,292 --> 00:07:42,225
Wow.
219
00:07:42,293 --> 00:07:43,393
Hey, little sis.
220
00:07:43,461 --> 00:07:45,061
I guess we got
some catching up to do, huh?
221
00:07:45,129 --> 00:07:46,229
Hope you
don't get scared
222
00:07:46,297 --> 00:07:47,964
when I scream and
have night terrors.
223
00:07:48,032 --> 00:07:49,099
It's quite all right.
224
00:07:49,167 --> 00:07:50,267
I've seen worse.
225
00:07:53,070 --> 00:07:54,804
A human centipede.
226
00:07:54,872 --> 00:07:56,139
How ghastly.
227
00:07:56,207 --> 00:07:58,608
Your mother and I are
very proud of you, Kevin.
228
00:07:58,676 --> 00:08:00,010
You're a war hero.
229
00:08:00,077 --> 00:08:01,611
I don't feel
like a war hero.
230
00:08:01,679 --> 00:08:03,313
Only a war hero
would say that.
231
00:08:03,381 --> 00:08:05,916
Hey, so what about the female
soldiers over there?
232
00:08:05,983 --> 00:08:07,217
Were they able to contribute?
233
00:08:07,285 --> 00:08:08,869
Eh, you know,
they did their best.
234
00:08:08,936 --> 00:08:10,437
What with their
regular bleedings
235
00:08:10,504 --> 00:08:12,255
when they got shot,
did they even know?
236
00:08:12,323 --> 00:08:13,957
Look, guys,
I'm not a hero.
237
00:08:14,025 --> 00:08:16,142
And I don't want to be treated
any different than before.
238
00:08:16,194 --> 00:08:17,344
Just that you would say that
239
00:08:17,411 --> 00:08:19,012
means we should treat you
different.
240
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:22,616
Come on, guys, let's give him
all our best food.
241
00:08:22,683 --> 00:08:24,918
Okay, now you eat up, and then
we're all gonna go out back
242
00:08:24,986 --> 00:08:27,754
and play some Thanksgiving touch
football-- excuse me:
243
00:08:27,822 --> 00:08:30,457
war hero Thanksgiving
touch football.
244
00:08:35,863 --> 00:08:37,080
Yeaaaaah!
245
00:08:37,164 --> 00:08:38,381
U.S.A.!
246
00:08:38,466 --> 00:08:39,666
I didn't even know
there was a war.
247
00:08:42,202 --> 00:08:43,603
Okay, let's pick teams.
248
00:08:43,671 --> 00:08:44,905
I'll be a captain,
249
00:08:44,972 --> 00:08:47,157
and, uh, Mayor West,
you can be a captain.
250
00:08:47,225 --> 00:08:48,825
All right.
I pick you.
251
00:08:48,893 --> 00:08:51,111
You can't pick me;
I'm a captain.
252
00:08:51,178 --> 00:08:54,281
No one had ever stood up to me
like that before.
253
00:08:54,348 --> 00:08:56,433
I respected him
from there on out.
254
00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:57,934
That's a great
story, Grandpa.
255
00:08:58,002 --> 00:08:59,486
I didn't like it.
256
00:08:59,553 --> 00:09:00,921
None of my grandchildren
257
00:09:00,988 --> 00:09:03,890
had ever disliked one
of my stories before.
258
00:09:03,958 --> 00:09:06,493
From then on,
he was my favorite.
259
00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:08,461
Well, I don't like that
story, Great Grandpa.
260
00:09:09,947 --> 00:09:12,515
Future old people
are wizards.
261
00:09:14,318 --> 00:09:15,619
I'm... I'm drunk,
262
00:09:15,686 --> 00:09:19,022
and I'm gonna throw the football
too hard at my kids.
263
00:09:19,090 --> 00:09:20,540
Oh, Dad, do we have to--
Ow!
264
00:09:20,591 --> 00:09:22,575
Don't cry!
Don't cry!
265
00:09:22,627 --> 00:09:24,127
Game's over if you cry.
266
00:09:24,195 --> 00:09:27,030
I want you to learn
about life, Chris,
267
00:09:27,098 --> 00:09:29,366
'cause of, in life
it's like this.
268
00:09:30,735 --> 00:09:32,869
Peter, I think you may
have had one too many.
269
00:09:32,937 --> 00:09:34,771
Maybe it's time
to ease off, huh?
270
00:09:34,839 --> 00:09:36,106
What are you talking
about, Lois?
271
00:09:36,173 --> 00:09:37,774
Dads getting drunk
on Thanksgiving
272
00:09:37,842 --> 00:09:39,209
is a holiday tradition.
273
00:09:39,277 --> 00:09:42,345
I work hard to put
a cornucopia on this table,
274
00:09:42,413 --> 00:09:44,447
and you're out
showing your lower ankle
275
00:09:44,515 --> 00:09:47,701
to every Tom, Tom, and
other Tom in our village!
276
00:09:47,768 --> 00:09:49,719
Don't talk to mother
in like fashion!
277
00:09:49,787 --> 00:09:52,038
That's it.
The belt is coming off.
278
00:09:56,077 --> 00:09:57,227
All right, son.
279
00:09:57,295 --> 00:09:59,396
Let's put these bozos
in a hurt locker.
280
00:09:59,463 --> 00:10:01,464
Right? 'Cause, uh,
"hurt locker" means
281
00:10:01,532 --> 00:10:03,233
some kind of war hero
thing, or something.
282
00:10:03,301 --> 00:10:04,968
Pfft. My friends
and I used to laugh
283
00:10:05,036 --> 00:10:06,403
about how fake
that movie is.
284
00:10:06,470 --> 00:10:07,404
But...
285
00:10:07,471 --> 00:10:08,822
Well, wait, I, uh...
286
00:10:08,889 --> 00:10:10,957
I'm pretty sure
that movie came out
287
00:10:11,025 --> 00:10:12,726
after you went
into your coma.
288
00:10:12,793 --> 00:10:15,161
Right-- no, no, uh, I-I-I was
talking about a different movie.
289
00:10:15,229 --> 00:10:16,212
Let's play ball!
290
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:19,349
Yeah, let's play ball.
291
00:10:21,235 --> 00:10:23,069
The world has changed around me,
292
00:10:23,137 --> 00:10:24,637
and I'm mad and scared!
293
00:10:28,743 --> 00:10:31,478
Lois, this pumpkin pie
looks delightful.
294
00:10:31,545 --> 00:10:33,463
Hey, Kevin, can I see
your Purple Heart?
295
00:10:33,531 --> 00:10:34,964
'Cause I never
actually seen one.
296
00:10:35,032 --> 00:10:37,634
One-one time this homeless guy
showed me his purple head,
297
00:10:37,702 --> 00:10:39,969
but looking back,
I'm-I'm not so sure
298
00:10:40,037 --> 00:10:41,471
that that was really
a military thing.
299
00:10:41,539 --> 00:10:43,273
Pfft. I didn't want
that stupid medal.
300
00:10:43,341 --> 00:10:44,607
You know what I
did with it?
301
00:10:44,675 --> 00:10:46,276
I threw it back over
the White House fence.
302
00:10:46,344 --> 00:10:47,777
Wait a minute.
I thought you said
303
00:10:47,845 --> 00:10:49,379
you flew straight
home from Kuwait
304
00:10:49,447 --> 00:10:51,014
after you woke
from your coma.
305
00:10:51,082 --> 00:10:53,783
When did you throw your medal
over the White House fence?
306
00:10:53,851 --> 00:10:56,619
N-N-N-No, I-I-I told you, I flew
to D.C., ditched the medals,
307
00:10:56,687 --> 00:10:57,887
and flew home.
308
00:10:57,955 --> 00:11:00,090
I guess that was just
his dirty hobo penis, huh?
309
00:11:00,157 --> 00:11:01,858
Kevin, why would you
want to get rid of
310
00:11:01,926 --> 00:11:03,026
your war medals
like that?
311
00:11:03,094 --> 00:11:04,728
'Cause it was
a stupid war, you know?
312
00:11:04,795 --> 00:11:07,814
All it did was put me in a coma
and kill one of my bunkmates
313
00:11:07,882 --> 00:11:09,582
and cripple the other one
for life.
314
00:11:09,650 --> 00:11:10,984
W-Wait a minute.
315
00:11:11,052 --> 00:11:12,352
Now, I thought
earlier you said
316
00:11:12,420 --> 00:11:14,054
that both of your
bunkmates were killed.
317
00:11:14,121 --> 00:11:16,523
Now you're saying
only one of them was?
318
00:11:16,590 --> 00:11:18,058
But I just want
you guys to know
319
00:11:18,125 --> 00:11:19,959
I barely even stared
at that penis for an hour.
320
00:11:20,027 --> 00:11:21,428
What? Come on, Dad.
321
00:11:21,495 --> 00:11:22,729
Whatev.
322
00:11:22,797 --> 00:11:24,164
H-Hey, why's it
so hot in here?
323
00:11:24,215 --> 00:11:25,348
It's too hot in here.
324
00:11:25,416 --> 00:11:26,383
Wait a minute.
325
00:11:26,450 --> 00:11:27,934
An Ed Hardy T-shirt?
326
00:11:28,002 --> 00:11:30,170
That particular
strain of douche bag
327
00:11:30,237 --> 00:11:32,205
didn't arise
until 2007,
328
00:11:32,273 --> 00:11:34,074
while you were
supposedly in your coma.
329
00:11:34,141 --> 00:11:35,392
Look, get off my case, Dad!
330
00:11:35,459 --> 00:11:36,793
What do you want from me?
331
00:11:36,861 --> 00:11:37,761
The truth.
332
00:11:37,828 --> 00:11:39,362
Fine! Here's the truth!
333
00:11:39,430 --> 00:11:41,197
I was never in any coma, okay?
334
00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:42,198
I bailed.
335
00:11:42,266 --> 00:11:44,000
I faked my death and went AWOL.
336
00:11:44,835 --> 00:11:46,503
I faked my own death once.
337
00:12:03,804 --> 00:12:06,456
No dentist appointment
for this guy.
338
00:12:06,524 --> 00:12:07,657
So, there it is.
339
00:12:07,725 --> 00:12:08,825
I'm not a war hero.
340
00:12:08,893 --> 00:12:09,993
I abandoned my platoon.
341
00:12:10,060 --> 00:12:11,361
So now what do we do?
342
00:12:12,563 --> 00:12:14,130
Me?
343
00:12:14,198 --> 00:12:16,166
Am-Am I, am I supposed
to say something?
344
00:12:16,233 --> 00:12:17,884
Kevin,
345
00:12:17,952 --> 00:12:19,919
you're under arrest for
the crime of desertion.
346
00:12:19,987 --> 00:12:21,371
Oh, my.
347
00:12:21,439 --> 00:12:24,040
Um, maybe it's time for us
girls to hit the powder room.
348
00:12:24,108 --> 00:12:25,074
You may use
the yard.
349
00:12:32,045 --> 00:12:34,580
So you were lying
to us this whole time?
350
00:12:34,647 --> 00:12:36,281
You weren't really
injured in Iraq?
351
00:12:36,349 --> 00:12:39,318
First Pat Tillman lies
about how he died and now you?
352
00:12:39,385 --> 00:12:41,086
Kevin, I don't
understand.
353
00:12:41,154 --> 00:12:42,454
There's nothing to understand.
354
00:12:42,522 --> 00:12:44,056
Our son is a deserter.
355
00:12:44,123 --> 00:12:45,774
Come on, Kevin,
I'm taking you to jail.
356
00:12:45,858 --> 00:12:47,426
Joe, wait!
Not now, Bonnie.
357
00:12:47,493 --> 00:12:48,660
Joe, you can't!
358
00:12:48,728 --> 00:12:49,928
Bonnie, we'll discuss
this later!
359
00:12:49,979 --> 00:12:52,764
Joe! You're not taking
my son anywhere.
360
00:12:52,832 --> 00:12:54,700
Damn it, you guys
are ruining Thanksgiving!
361
00:12:54,767 --> 00:12:56,501
And it's my second
favorite holiday,
362
00:12:56,569 --> 00:12:59,271
right after Pretend Not
To Notice People's Race Day.
363
00:12:59,339 --> 00:13:00,439
Hey, you seen
Reggie around?
364
00:13:00,506 --> 00:13:02,107
Which one is Reggie?
365
00:13:02,175 --> 00:13:04,943
Oh, uh, today he's
wearing yellow pants,
366
00:13:05,011 --> 00:13:08,780
uh, yellow shirt, yellow
hat, yellow shoes.
367
00:13:08,848 --> 00:13:11,683
Uh, he's got a gold tooth,
uh, diamond earring.
368
00:13:11,751 --> 00:13:14,720
Um, he's got that big necklace
with the dollar sign on it.
369
00:13:14,787 --> 00:13:16,955
Uh, he's always
grabbing his crotch
370
00:13:17,023 --> 00:13:18,156
when he's
telling a story.
371
00:13:18,224 --> 00:13:19,391
Like the one about
when he found out
372
00:13:19,459 --> 00:13:20,926
his mother is really
his grandmother.
373
00:13:20,994 --> 00:13:22,394
Could you be more specific?
374
00:13:22,462 --> 00:13:23,862
Uh, oh, let's see.
375
00:13:23,930 --> 00:13:26,064
Uh, he always wears
cheap cologne.
376
00:13:26,132 --> 00:13:29,334
Uh, drives a Mercury Cougar
with a crown on the dashboard.
377
00:13:29,402 --> 00:13:31,303
Uh, never pays
his alimony.
378
00:13:31,371 --> 00:13:34,106
Uh, he's extremely cut for
a guy who never works out.
379
00:13:34,173 --> 00:13:35,524
Oh, there he is.
Thanks anyway.
380
00:13:35,608 --> 00:13:36,608
Hey, Reggie!
381
00:13:38,111 --> 00:13:39,544
Look, maybe we should
just let Kevin
382
00:13:39,612 --> 00:13:41,363
explain why he did what he did.
383
00:13:43,666 --> 00:13:45,250
At first,
I believed in the cause.
384
00:13:45,317 --> 00:13:47,652
But then I saw what we were
doing to the people of Iraq.
385
00:13:47,704 --> 00:13:48,820
Innocent people.
386
00:13:48,888 --> 00:13:51,006
There was one
that I'll never forget.
387
00:13:51,074 --> 00:13:53,175
He was a littleIraqi street kid.
388
00:13:53,259 --> 00:13:55,160
I'd befriended hima few months earlier.
389
00:13:55,211 --> 00:13:57,012
Couldn't have beenmore than 12 years old.
390
00:13:57,096 --> 00:13:59,197
I taught him how to crack wise,American style.
391
00:14:03,119 --> 00:14:05,604
I guess that store's
having a fire sale.
392
00:14:07,407 --> 00:14:09,775
I tell you, that kid wasstrong-headed for his age.
393
00:14:09,842 --> 00:14:11,276
Smart, but innocent.
394
00:14:11,343 --> 00:14:13,695
And then one day,there was a fire fight.
395
00:14:23,656 --> 00:14:26,141
We bring in this civilian whogot killed in the crossfire.
396
00:14:28,161 --> 00:14:30,328
I pull back the sheet,and who is it?
397
00:14:30,396 --> 00:14:31,880
Not the kid, but, like,
398
00:14:31,964 --> 00:14:34,532
the kid's dad's, like,coworker's neighbor.
399
00:14:34,584 --> 00:14:37,502
He was 74 and he had actuallytried to rape someone.
400
00:14:37,553 --> 00:14:39,638
But just looking downat his dead face
401
00:14:39,705 --> 00:14:42,424
and knowing that he lived nearsomeone who worked with the dad
402
00:14:42,508 --> 00:14:45,961
of the kid whose name I neverfound out, I lost all hope.
403
00:14:46,029 --> 00:14:48,346
That's when I knewI had to get out of Iraq.
404
00:14:48,398 --> 00:14:50,265
I just had to waitfor my chance.
405
00:14:50,349 --> 00:14:51,266
I call the white meat!
406
00:14:51,350 --> 00:14:52,634
I call the dark meat!
407
00:14:52,702 --> 00:14:54,186
I call the cell phone
duct taped to the side!
408
00:14:54,237 --> 00:14:55,103
No!
409
00:14:59,609 --> 00:15:01,827
Somehow, I'd been sparedthat Thanksgiving.
410
00:15:01,894 --> 00:15:04,279
But I can't say the samefor my bunkmates.
411
00:15:04,363 --> 00:15:06,281
There were bits and piecesof them everywhere.
412
00:15:06,365 --> 00:15:09,234
I knew the Army would never beable to identify who was who.
413
00:15:09,285 --> 00:15:12,504
So that was my chanceto disappear.
414
00:15:12,572 --> 00:15:13,739
So I left.
415
00:15:13,806 --> 00:15:15,073
How could you
do that?!
416
00:15:15,124 --> 00:15:16,291
Coward!
Traitor!
417
00:15:16,359 --> 00:15:18,260
If you think
that I'm gonna masturbate
418
00:15:18,327 --> 00:15:20,629
after this tonight,
you're right.
419
00:15:20,713 --> 00:15:22,531
We don't have to sit
here and listen to this.
420
00:15:22,598 --> 00:15:24,299
Come on, Kevin, let's
get out of here.
421
00:15:24,367 --> 00:15:25,934
Nice try, skank.
Worth a shot.
422
00:15:26,018 --> 00:15:28,220
Well, where did you go
after you left the war?
423
00:15:28,271 --> 00:15:30,105
I spent a few years laying low.
424
00:15:30,173 --> 00:15:31,840
Wrote some poems.
You want to hear some?
425
00:15:31,908 --> 00:15:32,741
No.
Are you sure?
426
00:15:32,809 --> 00:15:34,176
They're pretty intense.
427
00:15:34,243 --> 00:15:35,944
No.
Here, let me just read one.
428
00:15:36,012 --> 00:15:38,346
If I can guess a line in there,
will you not read it?
429
00:15:38,414 --> 00:15:40,115
I don't think you'll be able
to guess a line.
430
00:15:40,183 --> 00:15:43,085
Is it something like,
"Ice burns as hot as fire"?
431
00:15:43,152 --> 00:15:47,322
Okay, so then I went to Europe,
Australia, Canada, all over.
432
00:15:47,390 --> 00:15:49,207
But I really missed you guys.
433
00:15:49,275 --> 00:15:52,010
I wanted to be with people
who love me, no matter what.
434
00:15:52,078 --> 00:15:53,345
So I came home.
435
00:15:53,412 --> 00:15:54,746
Well, it sounds
to me like
436
00:15:54,814 --> 00:15:57,215
you're a regular
Benedict Arnold Drummond.
437
00:15:57,283 --> 00:15:59,117
W-What's he expecting us
to cut to?
438
00:15:59,168 --> 00:16:00,936
I think he wants maybe--
I don't know--
439
00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:02,270
Gary Coleman
in a Napoleon hat?
440
00:16:02,338 --> 00:16:03,488
But we don't have that.
441
00:16:03,556 --> 00:16:04,622
We-We got to come up
with something.
442
00:16:04,674 --> 00:16:06,391
Well, we got, uh, we got
443
00:16:06,459 --> 00:16:08,026
"The Cowardly Lion is
Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist."
444
00:16:08,094 --> 00:16:09,144
Play it, play it.
445
00:16:09,212 --> 00:16:10,679
But he didn't set it up.
Play it!
446
00:16:10,746 --> 00:16:12,464
All right, I'm gonna
check her for diseases.
447
00:16:12,532 --> 00:16:14,499
There's just one thing
I want you to do.
448
00:16:14,567 --> 00:16:15,433
What's that?
What's that?
449
00:16:15,501 --> 00:16:16,651
Talk me out of it.
450
00:16:16,736 --> 00:16:18,570
No, no, no, no, no, no.
451
00:16:18,638 --> 00:16:20,839
What the hell
is going on up there?
452
00:16:20,907 --> 00:16:23,074
Well, I'm sorry
you all feel the way you do.
453
00:16:23,142 --> 00:16:25,544
But I walked away from
an illegal war of aggression
454
00:16:25,611 --> 00:16:28,313
being fought 6,000 miles away
from our shores.
455
00:16:28,381 --> 00:16:30,348
Better there than here
where all my stuff is.
456
00:16:30,416 --> 00:16:33,335
So, what, you figured you'd just
let 'em get away with 9/11?
457
00:16:33,419 --> 00:16:35,921
Mr. Griffin, Iraq had
nothing to do with 9/11.
458
00:16:35,988 --> 00:16:38,824
And the war we started in Iraq
has killed a half a million
459
00:16:38,891 --> 00:16:41,827
of their people, which
is like 200 9/11's.
460
00:16:41,894 --> 00:16:44,329
So, I guess those moments
of silence we had
461
00:16:44,397 --> 00:16:46,131
at those sporting events
meant nothing to you.
462
00:16:46,199 --> 00:16:47,916
I'm just saying
this war is wrong.
463
00:16:47,984 --> 00:16:51,770
Son, your job isn't to decide
whether it's right or wrong.
464
00:16:51,837 --> 00:16:53,772
Your job is to
follow orders.
465
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:55,574
Well, that's what the Nazi
soldiers did, isn't it?
466
00:16:55,641 --> 00:16:56,908
They followed orders.
467
00:16:56,976 --> 00:16:58,777
You're saying our troops
are like the Nazis?!
468
00:16:58,844 --> 00:17:02,030
No, I'm just saying that blindly
following orders has resulted
469
00:17:02,114 --> 00:17:04,449
in the deaths of millions
of people throughout history.
470
00:17:04,517 --> 00:17:06,818
You know, I have not talked
to Carol all night.
471
00:17:06,886 --> 00:17:08,353
Carol, how are you?
472
00:17:08,421 --> 00:17:10,889
Look, I think you guys are
all rushing to judge Kevin
473
00:17:10,957 --> 00:17:13,592
without knowing what it was like
to be in his shoes.
474
00:17:13,659 --> 00:17:16,561
He saw horrific things,
in a horrific war,
475
00:17:16,629 --> 00:17:18,630
that only one other person here
476
00:17:18,698 --> 00:17:21,466
could possibly come close
to understanding: Ida.
477
00:17:21,534 --> 00:17:22,701
She was in the military.
478
00:17:22,768 --> 00:17:24,236
She's seen battle.
479
00:17:24,303 --> 00:17:26,938
She's seen innocent people
butchered by war machines.
480
00:17:27,006 --> 00:17:29,474
And I'm sure that Ida,
more than anyone else here,
481
00:17:29,542 --> 00:17:32,544
can understand and support
the choice that Kevin made.
482
00:17:32,612 --> 00:17:35,847
No, Brian, I do not understand
Kevin's choice,
483
00:17:35,915 --> 00:17:37,582
and I do not support it.
484
00:17:37,650 --> 00:17:39,434
Okay, well, that's just
some dumb drag queen.
485
00:17:39,502 --> 00:17:42,070
Son, when you go to war,
you don't end up
486
00:17:42,138 --> 00:17:45,307
fighting for your country
or your family or your flag.
487
00:17:45,374 --> 00:17:46,942
You're fighting for
your fellow soldiers
488
00:17:47,009 --> 00:17:49,010
there in the foxhole with you.
489
00:17:49,078 --> 00:17:52,797
You walked out on those men, and
that's what's most unforgivable.
490
00:17:52,865 --> 00:17:54,599
You know what, everyone?
Forget it.
491
00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:56,401
Up till today,
you guys thought I was dead.
492
00:17:56,469 --> 00:17:57,435
Well, I'm not.
493
00:17:57,503 --> 00:17:58,737
But after all this,
494
00:17:58,804 --> 00:18:00,488
Dad, you may as well
take me to prison,
495
00:18:00,556 --> 00:18:02,390
'cause right now
I wish I was dead.
496
00:18:02,458 --> 00:18:05,694
If anyone has wanted whip cream
on their pie, it's not my fault.
497
00:18:05,761 --> 00:18:08,129
I can't get a (bleep) word
in edgewise around here.
498
00:18:08,197 --> 00:18:10,165
Kevin, I don't want
to lose you again.
499
00:18:10,233 --> 00:18:11,933
But I do have
a job to do.
500
00:18:12,001 --> 00:18:13,401
So get moving.
501
00:18:13,469 --> 00:18:15,687
'Cause there's at least
one Swanson man in this room
502
00:18:15,754 --> 00:18:16,805
who does his duty.
503
00:18:16,889 --> 00:18:17,973
Doodie means poop.
It does.
504
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:19,107
Are you, Dad?
505
00:18:19,175 --> 00:18:21,042
Are you the only one
who does his duty?
506
00:18:21,110 --> 00:18:22,577
That's not
how I remember it.
507
00:18:22,645 --> 00:18:23,612
What are you
talking about?
508
00:18:23,679 --> 00:18:25,030
You don't remember, do you?
509
00:18:25,097 --> 00:18:26,865
I was in first grade.
510
00:18:26,932 --> 00:18:29,084
You took me out with youon one of yo shifts.
511
00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:30,952
I just think it's
presumptuous.
512
00:18:31,020 --> 00:18:32,988
I mean, come on, "the
country's best yogurt"?
513
00:18:33,055 --> 00:18:34,322
You know, prove it.
514
00:18:34,390 --> 00:18:35,690
Show me your data.
515
00:18:35,758 --> 00:18:36,725
Help! Police!
516
00:18:36,792 --> 00:18:38,610
That man's a thief!
517
00:18:40,413 --> 00:18:41,780
Go get him, Dad!
518
00:18:51,457 --> 00:18:54,092
Reach for the sky, dirtbag!
519
00:18:57,446 --> 00:18:58,563
What the hell?
520
00:18:58,630 --> 00:18:59,781
I'm sorry, Officer.
521
00:18:59,849 --> 00:19:01,650
I-I was just trying
to feed my family.
522
00:19:01,717 --> 00:19:04,252
I don't care what you were
trying to do, you broke the law.
523
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:05,270
I know.
524
00:19:05,338 --> 00:19:06,905
I didn't know what else to do.
525
00:19:06,973 --> 00:19:09,240
I have three very wide-eyed
children to feed.
526
00:19:11,027 --> 00:19:13,962
Wide-eyed children
are the hungriest.
527
00:19:14,030 --> 00:19:17,332
Kids, Daddy has to go away
for a while, okay?
528
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:19,100
Take care of Mommy
until she dies tomorrow.
529
00:19:19,168 --> 00:19:20,502
It's okay, Daddy.
530
00:19:20,569 --> 00:19:22,337
I'll be the man of the shack
while you're gone.
531
00:19:26,692 --> 00:19:29,761
Uh, listen,
there's been a mistake.
532
00:19:29,829 --> 00:19:31,730
I'm not here
to arrest your father.
533
00:19:31,797 --> 00:19:32,530
You're not?
534
00:19:32,598 --> 00:19:33,999
No, Son.
535
00:19:34,066 --> 00:19:36,835
I just came over to tell you
what a great guy your father is
536
00:19:36,902 --> 00:19:39,137
and how hard he's been
working for all of you.
537
00:19:39,205 --> 00:19:40,772
Wait. You're letting me go?
538
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:42,273
I don't understand.
539
00:19:42,341 --> 00:19:44,376
I'm not sure I do either.
540
00:19:44,443 --> 00:19:46,945
I know the law says
I have to arrest you.
541
00:19:47,013 --> 00:19:49,647
But sometimes the law
is just a piece of paper.
542
00:19:49,699 --> 00:19:51,616
There's right, there's wrong,
543
00:19:51,683 --> 00:19:54,636
and somewhere in between,
there's life.
544
00:19:54,704 --> 00:19:56,538
You folks have a good day.
545
00:19:58,574 --> 00:20:00,875
I never forgot what you did.
546
00:20:00,943 --> 00:20:03,578
Well, thanks for
coming, you guys.
547
00:20:03,646 --> 00:20:05,613
You know what you were
doing that day, Dad?
548
00:20:05,681 --> 00:20:07,082
You were breaking the law.
549
00:20:07,149 --> 00:20:10,035
You knew what your duty told you
you were supposed to do,
550
00:20:10,102 --> 00:20:12,837
but instead, you did
what you thought was right.
551
00:20:12,905 --> 00:20:16,041
I haven't thought about
that family in years.
552
00:20:16,108 --> 00:20:17,642
I think about them
all the time.
553
00:20:17,710 --> 00:20:19,944
And the example
you set for me that day.
554
00:20:20,012 --> 00:20:21,846
It's the very reason
I left Iraq.
555
00:20:21,914 --> 00:20:24,115
It sucks how early
I have to work.
556
00:20:25,317 --> 00:20:27,352
Well, Kevin,
I still can't say
557
00:20:27,420 --> 00:20:29,521
that I agree
with your choice.
558
00:20:29,588 --> 00:20:31,122
Not one bit.
559
00:20:31,190 --> 00:20:32,657
But I suppose
sometimes a man
560
00:20:32,725 --> 00:20:34,459
has to do
what he thinks is right.
561
00:20:34,527 --> 00:20:36,561
And if that's what
you thought was right,
562
00:20:36,629 --> 00:20:38,229
I guess I can accept it.
563
00:20:39,498 --> 00:20:40,899
I'm glad you're
home, son.
564
00:20:40,966 --> 00:20:42,333
Me, too, Dad.
565
00:20:44,336 --> 00:20:47,188
You know, there's still
some pumpkin pie left, everyone.
566
00:20:47,256 --> 00:20:48,456
That sounds
good to me.
567
00:20:48,541 --> 00:20:49,591
Me, too.
568
00:20:49,675 --> 00:20:52,210
Hey, happy Thanksgiving
to us all, huh?
569
00:20:54,764 --> 00:20:56,714
USA! USA!
570
00:20:56,766 --> 00:20:57,682
Wait!
571
00:20:57,750 --> 00:20:59,184
That man's an imposter.
572
00:20:59,251 --> 00:21:01,086
I'm the real Kevin Swanson!
573
00:21:01,153 --> 00:21:02,554
Guys, I don't think
we have time for this.
574
00:21:03,371 --> 00:21:07,371
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
42518
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