All language subtitles for Family Guy - 09x01 - And Then There Were Fewer.DVDRip.XviD-REWARD.English.HI.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

Attention, everyone, mail call!

Meg, Teen People,
Chris, Amazing Spider-Man...

Lois, Redbook, World War II
Army Guy, a letter from your gal.

[ALL CHATTERING AND CHUCKLING]

STEWIE: Open that one up, buddy.
- All right, at ease, at ease.

"Dear Willy, it's been lonesome
since you've been away."

You hear that, fellas? She misses me!

[CHATTERING AND CHUCKLING]

STEWIE:
You're all wet.

Hey, check this out.
We got invited to a party.

"Peter Griffin, you and your family
are cordially invited to a gala dinner...

in your honor
at Rocky Point Manor."

- What? What are they honoring you for?
- Who cares?

It's for the whole weekend.
And it's free.

- Well, who's the invitation from?
- It doesn't say.

You're not gonna go, are you?
It's clearly some kind of scam.

Then maybe we just go,
and you go to the kennel.

Not the kennel. Last time
you left me there for an hour.

Or 10 years, I don't know.
There's no clock.

You stink when you come out of there.

We're going and that's that.
I'm gonna "rsvp."

- You mean RSVP?
- Hillary Clinton's the VP.

No, she's Secretary of State.

- Rhode Island.
- What?

- I don't understand what's happening.
- We're going to a party.

Yay!

[ORCHESTRAL "FAMILY GUY"
THEME PLAYING]

Wait, who the hell
lives all the way out here, huh?

Lois? Oh, you're asleep.

Kids? Anybody awake?

Just me? Huh? Oh.
I'm the only one awake.

Just me. Peter.

I can do whatever I want.

Maybe I'll try out
some of my funny voices.

[IN COWBO Y VOICE] Hi, partner,
I'm a cattle rustler. I rustle cattle.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, well,
that's turning out good. Gotta use that.

[IN COCKNEY ACCENT]
Oi. Oi, oi, mate.

It sure is not so very nice
in this part of London.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, wow, that one's really good.

Go ahead
and keep that one to myself.

How bad would I kick myself if someone
ran off and made millions with that?

Hey, uh...

[IN HIGH-PITCH VOICE]
Hey, hey, everybody. Hey, there.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
What's this one? Who's this guy?

[IN HIGH-PITCH VOICE]
Who am I?

I need a character. I need a back story.

I'm a... I'm a pie-man. I sell pies.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, man, see, this
is why I wish I had more time to myself.

I know these are good
because I'm my toughest critic.

Dad, are we almost there?

Shit. Uh, yeah. According to the map,
we're pretty close.

[GASPS]

Peter, look.

[OMINOUS ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
PLAYING]

My God, this is absolutely beautiful.

I bet Jeff Probst has a house like this.

- Joe?
- Peter?

What are you guys doing here?

We got an invitation to a dinner
in my honor.

I assumed it was for all those arrests
I made last month.

Weird. My invitation said
it was in my honor.

I assumed it was for being able
to fart the alphabet.

Which I almost did
till I pooped on the S.

Ah, well. Everybody on the bus
was upset long before that anyway.

What the...?

Derek and Jillian?

- Wow. Hi, Brian.
- Hey, kiddo.

- What are you guys doing here?
- I got a card...

that says they're throwing a dinner
in my honor.

What the hell's going on here?
Everybody got the same invitation?

Muriel, if you're not gonna eat your half
of the cheeseburger...

I'll see if they have a freezer
so I can keep it nice.

I'm gonna walk around,
I think my vagina's asleep.

Oh. Hey. Uh...

Didn't think I'd see anyone
I knew here.

This, uh...

- This is Stephanie.
- Hi, everybody.

Oh, my gosh! I never thought
I'd meet Glenn's friends.

Yeah, I figured, why not? You know, you
and I see each other from time to time.

Oh, my God, we, like,
never see each other. This guy.

You, like, disappear for a month,
and then you call me? So silly.

You're lucky I like you so much.

Okay, why don't you go ahead
and take the bags in?

Wow, it looks like
the whole town got invited.

[ICE CREAM TRUCK JINGLE PLAYS]

Mr. Peter, Mr. Joe, Mr. Bonnie.

She doesn't know what "Mr." means.

Mr. Mort. Mr. Muriel.

Mayor West Mister.

Oh, my God, seriously.

I know what you're all thinking,
but fear not, citizens.

While I'm enjoying myself
at this festive get-together...

I've left the city in the capable hands
of the Mayor-O-Matic 5000.

WEST [ON MACHINE]:
Take a letter, hold my calls.

That's a matter
for the Parks Department.

If you will all please follow me
to third floor, I show you to your rooms.

You are all expected for dinner at 8:00.

STEPHANIE: Oh, good. I'm starved.
QUAGMIRE: Settle down, will you?

[OMINOUS ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
PLAYING]

None of this makes any sense.

Everyone got invitations
from an anonymous source...

for a dinner in their honor,
when that's clearly not the case.

Now we're here,
where the hell's our host?

At least you all had evening wear
provided for you.

I thought this was a lawn party.
I don't have one pair of long pants.

It's kind of awkward
seeing Jillian here with Derek.

Wonder if she's thinking about me.

I don't know.
Are you a pony or the color blue?

[LAUGHS]

- Derek, look.
- Huh. How do you like that?

Have you guys ever seen
Jim Henson's Labyrinth?

No. Have you seen...

the Channel Five News?
- No.

Uh, Labyrinth has teenage
Jennifer Connelly.

Channel Five News has file footage
of pills being sorted.

People think Jennifer Connelly's
old now...

and that her hands look
like two bags of snakes.

- I think that's bogus.
- I don't think we have much in common.

- You watch NCIS?
- Yes, sir. Yes, I do.

- CBS knows what we want.
- Yeah, they get our generation.

They do. They really do.

- I switch over for the Leno though.
- Yeah, me too.

I'm glad he's back.

I don't know who
that month-old jack o' lantern was...

but I didn't get this brand of humor.

Good heavens, Meg,
you're sprouting up like a weed.

I know. She's growing every day.

- Meg, you remember Dr. Hartman?
- Of course she does.

I performed her very first pelvic exam.

Unless I'm confusing you
with someone else.

Nope. That was... That was you.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Good evening, everyone.

James Woods.

[GROWLS]

Thank you for joining me
at my humble manor.

I'd like to introduce you
to my lovely companion, Priscilla.

Nice to meet you all.

- Who's he?
- James Woods.

Oh, I thought he was a shark.

No, he was a on a show called Shark.

- But he's made of wood?
- No, his last name is Woods...

but he's not made of wood.
Nobody is.

This truly is a night to celebrate,
especially for me.

What's going on here, Woods?

The invitation said
this was a dinner in my honor.

- That's what mine said too.
- Me too.

- Mine too.
- Same here!

STEPHANIE: Where's the food?
- Actually, this dinner honors all of you.

Where should I begin?

You see, recently I've become
a born-again Christian.

Thanks to this beautiful little angel.

She came into my life
as if out of nowhere...

enchanted me
beyond my wildest dreams...

and opened my eyes to the cleansing
truth of Jesus Christ's love.

Oh, honey, it was always within you.
I just helped you find it.

Um, what does all this gay stuff
have to do with us?

The fact of the matter is...

I have wronged each
and every one of you in some way.

And, since I am a man of God now,
I am truly repentant.

So I invited you all here
to make amends.

Why the hell should we trust you?

You've been terrorizing our family
for years.

I understand that there is some
healing to do here tonight...

and I am prepared to be patient.

Please, won't you just
give me a chance?

And I promise
you won't be disappointed.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll just go check on dinner.

Oh, I'll help you, sweetheart.

- This is all very strange.
- I agree. Something's not right.

I don't know, maybe we should give him
a chance. Maybe he really is born again.

Well, he could be. It all depends
on what his astrological sign is.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up. Shut up.

I'm very intuitive with these things.

Maybe if I sit in his chair,
I can get a reading on his energy.

I mean, if he's an Aquarius...

a rebirth would not be unexpected.
- That's enough, Stephanie.

STEPHANIE: You know,
It's like when I did Glenn's star chart.

[ALL GASP]

Did the...? Did the cork hit me?

[GASPING AND SCREAMING]

My God. She's dead. She's been shot.

[ALL GASP]

I can't help feeling this would be sadder
if she wasn't heavy.

Oh, my God. It was him.
It was James Woods. He killed her.

Jesus, I knew he was crazy,
but I didn't think he was a murderer.

Oh, he must've brought us here
to kill us all. Run! Run for your lives!

[INTENSE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
PLAYING]

We gotta get out of here.

Come on, get in the car.

- Oh, my God, Peter, back it up!
- Oh, really, Lois?

I thought I might drive forward.
That might be a fun thing to do.

Stop fighting!

Quick, Peter, get in the back.

Oh, thank God. We made it.

[GROANING]

My neck. You backed into me,
and now... Oh!

MURIEL: And your back.
- And my back. My back, yes. Oh.

All right, it looks like we're stuck here.

Storm has flooded the causeway,
and the bridge is destroyed.

For the moment, there's no way out.

No Way Out, great film.
Sean Young naked in the limo.

- Well, maybe the storm will let up soon.
- I don't know, it's a hard rain.

Christian Slater, Morgan Freeman.
"We just want the money."

We should have known this was coming.
There's been three days of thunder.

Tom Cruise, race cars.
Those are my bed sheets.

What are we gonna do?

We can't stay here with James Woods
lurking somewhere in the house.

Does anyone have a cell phone?

[CELL PHONES BEEP]

- I'm not getting any reception.
- Me neither.

- No bars!
- It's all right.

I'll put a message in a bottle.

Now we wait.

- Look, he's got a landline we can use.
- Oh, no. I wouldn't feel right about that.

We're guests, and it's long distance.

Doesn't matter. The line's dead.

WOMAN:
Oh, my God!

[CHATTERING]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right. Look, everybody but Chris...

just keep your pants on
and let's figure a way out of this.

He's right. We gotta stay calm.

- With a killer in the house?
- Killer in the house.

Oh, my God. I just realized something.
James Woods hates me the most.

That means
he's probably gonna kill me next.

[IN COWBO Y VOICE] Well, I reckon if I
was a cattle rustler, I wouldn't be afraid.

- Oh, Peter, that's good.
- I know, Lois.

Hey, guys, has anybody seen James?

Sweetheart, you may wanna
sit down for this.

Who want little tiny tacos?

Oh, little taco. I'll have one of those.

- It's him!
- Sorry I took so long.

I was going to the bathroom, and I
just couldn't stop looking at my penis...

because it's, you know, so fantastic.

You're a... I heard it's fantastic.
You're a monster, James Woods!

You think you can commit murder
and get away with it?

- Quagmire loved that girl.
QUAGMIRE: Easy.

Murder? What are you talking about?

You're going away for a long time, pal.

- Jimmy, what does he mean?
- I don't know what's going on here.

Maybe that dead pile of cookie dough in
the next room will refresh your memory.

What do you mean?
There's nothing in the next room.

It's gone.

Where is she?
What'd you do with the body?

What body?

You know, maybe she wasn't dead.

I'll admit it,
I'm not great with that stuff.

I don't know what's happening here,
but look, I'm a lot of things.

A member of Mensa,
a huge hit with the ladies.

Someone who would have
broken out bigger...

if he weren't so impossible
to work with.

But a murderer? I only just found God.

Why would I jeopardize
my entrance into heaven?

If I were you, I'd keep your mouth shut
till you talk to a lawyer.

I didn't kill anybody.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[ALL GASP]

PETER:
Oh, my God.

Is this what black people see
all the time?

[MAN GRUNTS]

[THUD]

[ALL GASP]

Look!

[SCREAMS]

He's dead.

- Oh, my God.
- Nice.

Nobody touch the knife.
There could be fingerprints on it.

So James Woods murdered Stephanie,
and then he murdered himself.

- Criss-cross.
- Oh, Peter. Don't you see?

He didn't kill himself,
and he didn't kill Stephanie.

- What are you saying?
- James Woods isn't the murderer.

The murderer is one of us.

[ALL GASP]

And someone ate
the last goat cheese tartlet.

[DISCONTENTED CHATTERING]

Now I hope I die next.

Okay, everyone, it's important
that we all stay calm.

How are we supposed to stay calm?
There's a killer in the room.

We all gotta get out of here.
We're gonna die.

Mr. Mayor, pull yourself together.

[BREAKS]

Wait a minute. Joe, look.

Oh, my God.

- Stephanie was an accident.
- That's a way of putting it.

What do you mean, Joe?

This gun was timed
to fire at that chair...

where James Woods
would have been sitting.

But he left, and Stephanie was
in the wrong place at the wrong time.

So whoever the murderer is, they were
after James Woods, not Stephanie.

The question is, who here
wanted James Woods dead?

Let's look around
and see if we can find any more clues.

Oh, my God.

I feel like everyone's wondering
why I'm wearing shorts.

- Nobody's even looking at you.
- That's what I mean.

The fact no one said anything makes it
even more obvious everyone noticed.

PETER:
Brian, look what I found!

Check it out.
I'm a robot from outer space.

Hang on. I'm coming down.
Go, go, gadget skis.

[GROANS]

Uh-oh.

All right, since it's my fault
that Joe got knocked out...

it is now my responsibility
to take over the investigation.

- I don't know if that actually follows.
- It does follow, Brian.

Because I'm the one with the giant
magnifying glass.

- Is my eye big?
- Yeah.

Good. Good. That means progress.

Let's figure out what we know here.

The gun was meant to kill Jimmy Woods,
but Stephanie got in the way.

So the murderer had to improvise and
finish the job by stabbing Jimmy Woods.

- What? What? What is that?
- What?

Don't call him Jimmy Woods
like you're in the Hollywood set.

Brian did one TV pilot...

and he thinks he can call the star
of Cape Fear Bobby Di Niro.

- Who's the director, Brian?
- Marty Scorsese.

- Star of Silence of the Lambs?
- Tony Hopkins.

- Who sang "Hold On To The Night"?
- Dick Marx.

Who's the cast of Miami Vice?

Donny Johnny, Philly Mikey Tommy
and Eddie Jimmy Olmos.

Ugh. You are...
You are just douchey to the core.

Whoever the killer is, they had a reason
for wanting James Woods dead.

Now, who here has a motive?

Well, according to James Woods,
we all did.

He brought us here to make amends.

But he wronged one of us enough
to want revenge.

The question is, who?

Well, I know one person who could have.
My partner Tom.

[ALL GASP]

All right, it's true.

James Woods ruined my career.
I originally wanted to be an actor.

I booked the lead role
in Nightmare On Elm Street.

James Woods said, "No, don't bother.
Something else will come along."

So I turned it down.

And now this Robert Englund
is the talk of the town.

That should be me
everyone's talking about.

Oh, my God, you guys,
we must've fallen asleep.

We're in a dream right now.

That's right,
you are in a dream, children.

Which means you are going to get
something of a serious scratching by me.

Freddy Krueger. Ha, ha.

Is it...? Is it Krueger?

Was I angry? Yes, of course.
But I didn't kill him.

What about Seamus? You hated
James Woods. You told me so.

Aye, he's the one
who made me what I am today.

[SIGHS]

I wish you were a real,
live ornery sea captain.

But he didn't wish hard enough.
It only worked on me head.

- Oh, my God. Seriously?
- No, I was a normal guy until one night...

we dropped acid together
and he thought I was a steak.

Grilled me, ate my arms and legs.
It was a whole thing.

But I'm not the killer.
What about the mayor?

He could have killed him
and got off scot-free!

[SIGHS]

He took the Twitter name
Mayor West...

so now I have to use
Mayor underscore West.

That rat-faced cracker.

But you hated him too, Dr. Hartman.

He switched around all the bones
on the skeleton in my office.

I don't know what's what anymore.

Let's take a look at that wrist injury.

That's my foot, not my hand.

Woods!

Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort.

He's terrible. He took a Penthouse
into the pharmacy bathroom...

and left this little handy work
in the sink.

He's a dirt bag. But I didn't kill him.

Maybe it was Diane.

[SIGHS]

James Woods promised
to introduce me to Dan Rather.

But instead, he introduced me
to Danny Bonaduce.

I tell you, that guy looks like
a dog turning 30.

What about the old guy?

I heard him complaining
about Woods in the dining room.

That's true. He replaced my Cialis
with methamphetamines!

- Pedal faster.
- I can't go any faster.

Where you going, kids?
I want to talk to you.

Come to my place
for a glass of wine and fruit pies.

And then we can go in the back room
and play crazy snakes. Hee-hee-hee-hee!

Hey, wait. What about
those two European guys?

They really hated James Woods.

Where the hell are they?

Oh, we've been invited
to a party in our honors.

But it was for this week after's.

Why aren't we there?

It was wedged in our post pail.

[BOTH GROAN]

And what about Quagmire?

Fine. So he stole
Cheryl Tiegs from me.

- He ruined your TV pilot.
- I backed out of that project willingly.

Oh, yeah, that's what every hack says.
You know, Brian...

[ARGUING]

[ALL GASP]

STEWIE: Eh. My secret room's bigger.
HERBERT: Mine's smaller.

All right, stand back.
This could be dangerous.

Oh, laundry room.
Laundry room, everybody.

Oh, see, here we go.

Aha. James Woods made a list of all
his misdeeds so he could make amends.

He punched you in the throat,
and that's why you sound like that?

No, he punched me in the throat
because I sound like this.

And Consuela, he...

I can't read his handwriting here.
What happened?

One day, I bring my nephew to work,
and he molest my nephew...

and my nephew, he only 14,
and he cry...

and then
he shoot himself in the face.

He also has a list of good restaurants
up and down the Eastern Seaboard.

Peter, one of the people in this room
is a murderer.

And 19 of us are not.

Maybe we wanna know a good
bed and breakfast in Maine.

What are all these?

God, there are tons
of OxyContin bottles in here.

All prescribed to James Woods.

And all from Goldman's Pharmacy.

- What's that all about?
- I don't know what you're talking about.

James Woods never bought
anything in my pharmacy. Ever.

Yes, he did. Says here he talked Muriel
into selling him OxyContin...

for him
and his 19-year-old girlfriend.

This went on for weeks.
She started to have misgivings...

and threatened to cut him off.
He wouldn't let her.

He threatened to blackmail her
by turning her in to the feds.

Sounds like a pretty good
motive to me.

Oh, Muriel, tell me this isn't true.

- I overcharged him.
- I forgive you.

Look, why would I kill him anyway?
He told us he was here to make amends.

But there was a chance he'd blab,
wasn't there?

No! No, it's not true!
I would never kill anybody, never!

And I am not saying another word
until I talk to my lawyer, because...

Why is he wearing shorts?

Oh, my God, I told you.

Muriel, just surrender quietly.
It'll be easier for us all if you...

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[MURIEL SCREAMS]

She's gone.

- We lost her.
- There's a murderer on the loose.

None of us are safe.

All right, let's split up
and search the house. I'll go with Lois.

Chris, you check the basement
with Herbert.

- Meg, you go with Brian and Stewie.
- Uh, no, she can't.

Yeah, uh, she can't.
We were gonna use this time...

to figure out what to get you
for your birthday.

Ah, okay. Oh, yeah, no, you guys go.
Now I'm excited.

Okay, uh, Meg, you go with Carl.
Sorry, Carl.

Tom and Diane, you're a team.
Quagmire and Bonnie.

Um, Seamus and Dr. Hartman?

That could be funny.
Don't usually see you together.

Uh, Derek and Jillian, take the attic.

Joe and Priscilla are passed out.
They'll be the unconscious team.

And that leaves one three-person team
of Mort, Consuela, and Mayor West.

All right. Let's do this.

So, uh, you guys like to party?

- No.
- Oh, no.

Oh, my God, what a couple of squares.

Squaresville, I tell you!

- What are we supposed to be doing?
- We're looking for Muriel Goldman.

Hello? Is anybody up here?

[SCREECHES]

Hey, maybe it was that cat
who was the murderer.

Let me ask him.

Meow meow meow?
Meow meow meow meow?

We don't all talk like that.
I happen to be a professor.

- Our apologies, sir.
- I should imagine so.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have papers to correct.

Chris, I'm worried
with this killer on the loose.

If I should die, I just want you to know
that they might find some things.

Strange things.

- Things that don't make sense to you.
- Um, okay.

And there's gonna be a lot of talk.
Nasty talk.

And I just want you to know, from me,
it's all gonna be out of context.

I don't know what that means.

It means, if I die,
you gotta burn my house down.

Oh, sweet, a pool table.
Let's see if we can find some cues.

[SCREAMS]

- What is it?
- Phew. It's okay.

It's just the stuffed bear
from The Great Outdoors.

- Did you see The Great Outdoors?
- No.

- You suck.
- Hey, I found the pool cues.

[SCREAMS]

Meg?

Looks like I'm all alone.
Well, hey, that's all right.

I watch a lot of movies.
I can just use my imagination.

- Hi, Carl.
- Hey, bear.

So, um, in the bear world...

are, like, pandas your version
of interracial children?

Yeah, pandas aren't something
I agree with.

- They're cute, though, right?
- Just when they're babies.

Muriel?

Muriel?

Muriel?

[SNIFFS]

- Nothing.
- You know what she smells like?

I know what everybody smells like.

- Carl?
- Cheetos.

- Mort? Derek?
- Pennies. Brut.

- Joe? Consuela?
- Feces. Pledge.

- Seamus? Quagmire?
- Wood. Wood.

Wow.

I have to admit,
before this Muriel thing...

I thought you might be the murderer.

Oh, my God. So insulted.

Trust me, if this were my work,
it would be much more artful.

There's a poetry to what I do.

- You know how I would've killed James?
- How?

I would have electrocuted him
causing a temporary paralysis.

While he was still conscious
but unable to move...

I would've reached into his anus
and pulled out his lower intestine.

Hand over hand,
like a fancy magician's scarf trick.

Then I would fashion the intestine
into a crude giraffe...

and give it to his children
as a Christmas stocking stuffer.

Then as his eyes start to close in final
submission to death's cold embrace...

I'd point to the ceiling and say,
"Is that your card?"

And stuck to the ceiling is the card
that he picked earlier.

Oh, I forgot to tell you,
he picked a card.

- Wow, you're an artist.
- Oh, thanks, you're nice.

I screwed that up.

Muriel?

Oh, yeah,
like she's gonna answer you, Tom.

And here we go with the attitude.
This is why you're single.

Oh. So I'm not supposed to point out
when you do something stupid?

You hear that tone you're using?

That's penis repellent right there.

Careful. She could be hiding behind
any one of these statues.

Muriel, this is Tom Tucker
from the Channel Five news.

- Perhaps you'd like an autograph.
- For God's sakes. Do you hear yourself?

There it is.

[MIMICS SPRAY CAN]

Knock it off!

Hey, wait a minute. Doesn't feel like
there's any wall here.

- What do you think's in there?
- I don't know. Looks scary.

What do you think, Ollie?
I miss Ollie.

- I better take a look.
- No. I'll go first.

- Do you see anything?
TOM: No, it's... It's too dark.

[GRUNTING]

Tom? Tom!

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[RAIN PATTERING]

- Boy, it's really raining hard.
- Yeah, well, we needed it.

- What?
- Peter, we've been married a long time.

Why do I still get
"guy in an elevator" small talk?

I don't know. You're the one
talking about the weather.

So looking forward to the weekend?

[SCREAMS]

It's okay. It's just us.

Oh, Quagmire, Bonnie, you scared us.

Have you seen any sign of Muriel?

Why didn't I think of this before?

I should just check
the "Find a Jew" app on my iPhone.

Huh. There's just two big clusters
on each side of the country.

No, look. There's one down south.

Oh. They got him.

Be careful. Muriel could be
in any one of these pantries.

[GRUNT NEARBY]

Dr. Hartman?

Doctor?

Okay, quit messing around.

Dr. Hartman, this isn't funny.

[BOTH YELL]

[LAUGHS]

You bastard!

You should've seen your face.

That's so not funny.
Now I gotta empty my pants.

- What's that?
- Acorns.

- Acorns?
- Acorns, that's what I said.

- We sound too much alike.
- I know.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Okay. Um...

[HUMS THEME TO "LOST IN SPACE"]

Oh, uh, Lost in Space.

Yup, okay. Um...

[HUMS THEME TO
"THE DICK VAN D YKE SHOW"]

Oh, that's Dick Van Dyke.

Okay, um... Okay, I got one. Um...

[HUMMING D YNASTY THEME]

I have no idea.

[SINGING]
Linda Evans and John Forsythe

They're coming down big, long stairs

Come on, Brian, you know this

We're all rich

And we're all at least
in our late 50s

Think Joan Collins

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

Come on, Brian, you know this

It's the middle trumpet part

It was a pretty big deal
For Diahann Carroll

To play a rich black
woman in the 80s

Come on, Bri. Right?
You don't know this?

- Falcon Crest?
- Oh, it's Dynasty!

Oh. Yeah, l... I didn't watch that.

[WOMAN SCREAMS NEARBY]

STEWIE: Aah!
BRIAN: Oh, my God!

[ALL GASP]

Oh, my God, Muriel.
My sweet Muriel.

She was so young. She was so beauti...

She was so gener...

We were married.

Look. This is the same knife
that killed James Woods.

Oh, my God.
Then Muriel wasn't the killer.

Well, then, who is?

I don't know,
but one thing's for sure.

If we don't find out
before this storm lets up...

we're all gonna be dead by morning.

If we're gonna make it out alive,
we gotta stick together from now on.

- Is everyone here?
- Wait a minute. Where's Meg?

- And where's Tom Tucker?
- Right here.

Oh, my God. What happened?

I fell through a trapdoor
that led to an underground passageway.

So I followed it, and it led me
to a hatch in the parlor.

The same thing happened to me.
But with a mustache.

Let's do a count, make sure we're here.

Check in by team name and I hope
you all came up with cool team names.

- The Bushmen are here.
- Pirates here.

- The Tigers are here.
- We're also the Tigers.

- We're called Bad News.
- We're Lilo and Stitch.

We're Boys II Men.

Hey, Peter, look at this. I'm getting
a faint signal on my cell phone.

Really? Oh, my God, is that...?

Are you holding up
the whole Hollywood sign?

No, no, no.
The sign was way in the background.

I was standing in the foreground
like this when Jillian took the picture.

So by forced perspective,
it looks like I'm holding up the sign.

I don't believe you.
I think you are a god.

And I will die for you or kill others.

Damn it! The signal's gone.

If I can get up to the roof
or something...

maybe I can get a stronger signal
and call the police.

Okay. And I will skin this dog
in your honor.

- Please don't.
- As you wish.

Do you really think
it could work, Derek?

- There's only one way to find out.
- I'll come with you.

No, it's too dangerous.
Especially with Derek Jr. on the way.

ALL:
Aw.

Ha, ha. I know. It's a little early
to announce it but you're all friends.

Except one of you who's killing us.
But everyone else is our friend.

- Oh, congratulations, Jillian.
- I know.

I'm eating number two now.

Eating for two, honey.

I'll be back.

All right, nobody leaves this room
until he gets back.

Wait a minute.
Something's not right here.

[SNIFFS]

We're short one vagina in this room.

Oh, my God! Priscilla's gone!

[ALL GASP]

Th... That's impossible.

She was still passed out
on the couch when we left.

[GROANS]

- What the hell happened?
- Joe! You're okay!

- I'm fine. What's going on?
- What's going on is...

Priscilla's the murderer.
- We don't know that.

- She was by herself this whole time.
- But she was unconscious.

We don't know
how long she was unconscious.

- She could've killed Muriel.
- This is all speculation.

- We don't know if she's the killer.
- Besides, she's hot.

Hot chicks are never crazy.

Derek lifted up the Hollywood sign.

[ARGUING]

PETER: He did too. I saw the picture.
STEWIE: Don't touch me!

Come on.

Yes!

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Hey, what are you doing up here?

Wait a minute.
What the hell is this?

Oh, my God. It's you.

The man or woman
who's been killing everybody.

Stay back. Stay back.

[THUD]

It came from over there.

[ALL GASP]

Dear God!

He's dead.

- Do you think he slipped off the roof?
- Maybe.

But he was dead before the fall.
Look at this.

He's been hit on the head
by a blunt object.

Oh, my God, no, Derek!

Oh, Jillian, I'm so sorry.

PETER: Grab his phone.
I wanna prove something to these guys.

It's Priscilla. It's gotta be Priscilla.
She's the only one who's not here.

Maybe, maybe not.
We thought Muriel was the killer.

Look how that turned out.
We have no proof.

Is this the latest you've ever stayed up?
It's the latest I've ever stayed up.

Oh, no. Someone take
Mr. Woods' Golden Globe.

She's right. There was
a Golden Globe here, and it's gone.

I think we may have
identified our blunt object.

Is very important award.

No, no. Actually, if I can clarify this,
it's not a very important award.

Okay? Here's how
the Golden Globes work.

Want a Golden Globe?

Take a member
of the Foreign Press to lunch...

and they'll vote for you. Hmm?
That's all you gotta do.

And there's only like 30 guys
in the Foreign Press.

So it's relatively easy to buy
one of those things, okay?

You with me, America? You with me?

So let's all shut the fuck up about
the prestige of these things...

because it's just...
It's a sale, you know?

You might as well
walk into a Zales and say:

"File me up one of these and I'll
pay you the price of a bacon burger."

Okay? We all clear
on what the Golden Globes are?

All right? Now, that said,
if anyone from the Paris Observer...

would like to have lunch, it's on me.
Ha, ha.

All we have to do is find that Golden
Globe and we have our murder weapon.

If we're lucky, it may just mean
we'll have our killer.

All right,
from this moment forward...

nobody leaves the group.

Joe's right. Everyone huddle up.

Good. Now we're gonna search the
house, and we're gonna move as one.

Anyone who separates from the group
we will assume to be the killer.

- All clear?
ALL: Yeah.

All right. Let's do this.

Guys, uh, we're stopping
at the bathroom first, okay?

So if you're not comfortable with me
as a person...

please circulate yourselves
to the uh...

PETER: Right, here we go.
Stand back, I got a full bladder.

QUAGMIRE: I gotta go too.
You wanna have a sword fight?

WEST: Ooh, I want in on that.
CARL: Me too.

CONSUELA:
Is okay, I clean.

Oh, boy, we got a problem here.

All right, on the count of three.
One, two, three.

Thanks, guys.

[PETER HUMMING "HAVA NAGILA"]

Stop it, Peter.

- Peter, knock it off.
- Okay, Jew... Joe.

Shut up! I'm not Jewish!

Well, I think we've
learned a little something...

about our friendly neighborhood
policeman today.

We gotta search
every one of these rooms.

We'll start with Quagmire's.

Oh, my God!

Are those Stephanie's underpants?

- Oh, Jesus.
- They're huge.

Looks like the crotch
got chewed on by a walrus mouth.

Ha, ha. Look, it's got flowers.

I mean, why bother?
Who's gonna see them?

Maybe someone in space.

[ALL LAUGH]

Come on, guys,
can't we all just be glad she's dead?

- Whose room is this?
- It's, uh, my room.

You travel
with a giant poster of yourself?

Yes. It helps me get to sleep,
knowing that Big Tom Tucker...

is keeping a watchful eye out
for nocturnal intruders.

What a ridiculous man you are.

I didn't know my room
was gonna be scrutinized.

- lf you don't like it, let's get out of here.
- Not till we've searched the place.

[GASPS]

You guys?

[ALL GASP]

Oh, my God!

Well, well,
I think we've found our killer.

Now, wait a minute,
that's not mine.

I suppose it crawled
under your bed all by itself.

Well, maybe it did.
I didn't murder anybody.

Tell it to Mike Judge.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy.
What about Priscilla?

We have no idea where she is.
She could've planted that.

Well, I suppose it's possible.

What the hell?

- Ah, dang it, I got a nosebleed.
- No, you don't.

Peter, give me a boost.

[PETER GRUNTING]

[ALL SCREAM]

- You're going to jail, Tucker.
- Like hell I am.

You're not taking me anywhere,
you Podunk, Quahog redneck cop.

Not you or anyone else
in this damn town. I'm not going to jail.

After him.

- Give it up, Tucker.
- Make me, Swanson.

[PANTING]

Damn, he's slippery.

You guys give up?

- What do we do?
- Wait a minute, guys.

- I got an idea.
- Shoot.

Half of us go around one side.
The other half go around the other side.

- Then we won't chase him in circles.
- Damn, that's awfully risky.

It sure is, but at this point,
I'm willing to try anything.

All right. Let's do it!

PETER:
It worked.

[GRUNTING]

Let me go.
Let me go, you bastards.

You're all gonna pay for this.

Just for that, when the movie
of this story comes out...

I'm gonna make sure
Adrien Brody plays you.

I guess that means
you don't want anyone to see it.

[ALL LAUGH]

Okay. All right.

Thanks a lot for your help, boys.

- Nice work, Swanson.
- Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

It just goes to prove even the most
trusted member of our community...

can snap
and become a psychopathic killer.

You never know who's lurking out there
in your neighborhood.

When we all see each other
at school on Monday...

are we still gonna be friends?

Despite all the craziness
this weekend...

I feel like a lot of people were
looking at me like I was attractive.

Which makes me think
I'm gonna grow up to be good-Iooking.

What part of that is supposed
to lure me into a conversation?

I talk to you about wet tennis balls.

- Oh, come on.
- We're in a fight.

Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels
in the bath... Lois? Lois? Lois?

Lois, are any of my Hot Wheels
in the bathroom?

I put them all in your bag.

I don't see the fire engine...

but I guess we'll just find out
when we get home, won't we?

I'll see you in the car.

- Hi, Diane.
- Oh, hi, Lois.

How you doing?

I just thought
I'd make sure you were okay.

Oh, I'm managing.

It's just so hard to believe...

you can work with someone
for 15 years...

and yet have no idea who they
really are or what they're capable of.

Oh, I know. And I'm sorry.

So, what happens now?

Will you just anchor
the news by yourself?

I suppose, for the time being.

Well, that's kind of exciting, right?

[DIANE CHUCKLES]

You sound like my mother.

She actually bought me this blouse
for my first solo broadcast.

I guess that's sweet, huh?

She...

- I'm sorry, I don't understand.
- What do you mean?

How could she have known
you'd be anchoring alone?

I mean, none of this happened until...

Uh, gosh, I, uh...

You know, I think I'd better, uh, go
make sure Peter has his, uh, fire engine.

Oh, really?
But I was enjoying our talk.

Oh, no, l... So was I, but, you know.

I've... Really, I should... I should go.

No. I don't think so.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it was you.

You're the killer.

Very clever, Lois.

You shouldn't have stopped to say hi.
You would've lived longer.

Why do I ever try
to be friends with other women?

But, Diane, why?

How could you do
all these horrible things?

Well, I suppose
it all really began a year ago...

when James Woods and I
met at a press event...

and began seeing each other.

We both valued our privacy...

so we agreed to keep it
a secret from the media.

Everything in my life
was wonderful.

But then a few months ago,
I turned 40.

ALL:
Surprise!

It was hard for me
to begin with...

but it got worse when,
not so coincidentally...

Tom began pushing
Channel Five News to replace me...

with a fresh, young face.
And he succeeded.

Three weeks from now,
I'll be off the air.

Well, apparently,
all men think the same way...

because around the same time,
James dumped me.

I watched my career
and my love life crumble...

and I wasn't gonna
just stand by and take it.

That's when I had the
good fortune...

to meet a young news intern
named Priscilla.

She was so anxious
to get into reporting...

and would have done anything
to get on my good side.

So I seized the moment.

I paid her off
to seduce James Woods...

and reel him into a relationship
like a fish on a line.

I knew a hot,
young woman like Priscilla...

could manipulate him
into doing anything I wanted.

At my direction, she persuaded him
to become a born-again Christian...

and instilled him with the drive to bring
together all the people he'd wronged.

That's how this weekend
came to pass.

Of course, Priscilla knew
nothing of my real intentions...

but she played the part
beautifully, nonetheless.

There's no way she could've known
I planned to kill James Woods...

and frame Tom Tucker...

thereby destroying the two people
who cast me aside and ruined my life.

Oh, my God.

- You're 40?
- Yes. I'm 40.

But then why did you kill the others?

It was all supposed to go so smoothly.

The hidden gun goes off...

kills James Woods,
and at the first opportunity...

I retrieve the gun
and plant it in Tom's bag.

James Woods is dead,
Tom goes to prison.

Nice and easy.

But Stephanie got in the way.

She was in James' chair
at the wrong time.

And when I realized my mistake,
I had to improvise.

The power outage
provided a perfect cover.

I grabbed the knife off the
dinner table and stabbed him.

But as Joe pointed out,
there were fingerprints.

I couldn't just leave it there.

So when Tom and I
got separated in the gallery...

I went back into the dining room
and got the knife.

At that moment, Priscilla regained
consciousness after fainting.

She started to become hysterical.

I couldn't risk her revealing that I had
engineered this whole gathering...

so I killed her.
And I hid her in Tom's room.

I tried to plant the knife
in Tom's suitcase...

but at that moment, Muriel walked
in and caught me in the act.

It wasn't her fault, poor thing,
but she had to die.

I stabbed her and she screamed.

I had to leave the knife because
I couldn't hide it on my person...

with everyone
quickly closing in.

So I wiped off the fingerprints
and ran.

I slipped in with the rest of the group,
when they all converged on the scene.

I needed more time
to finish my work framing Tom.

But that's when Derek
went out to the balcony.

I couldn't let him contact the police
before everything was in place.

So I had to kill him too.
When Peter was yelling...

about that picture of Derek
holding the Hollywood sign...

I grabbed the Golden Globe
and slipped out.

I followed Derek outside
and did what I had to do.

I barely had time to plant
the Globe in Tom's room...

and run back downstairs where
I took advantage of the commotion...

and joined the crowd
as they were all running outside.

And the rest,
well, you did all the rest for me.

You turned on Tom
exactly as I planned.

- So there it is, Lois.
- My God.

But wait,
there's one thing unaccounted for.

What happened
to Stephanie's body?

Actually,
that's the one thing I don't know.

Damn it!

Well, now you know everything, Lois.

Which, of course,
means I have to kill you.

Lois, you coming?
I can't play my tapes without the key.

Actually, Lois and I were just about to
go for a quick walk, weren't we, Lois?

- We've been getting better acquainted.
- Just give me the key.

All right, Peter, I'll get it.

Don't put a gun in my back.

I'm not. I'm just asking for the key.

[THINKING]
Peter, we've been married 20 years.

Please recognize when I'm acting out
of the ordinary because I'm in danger.

Here you go. Here's the key, Pete.

[THINKING]
Why's she calling me Pete?

We been married 14 years.
She never called me Pete.

Why figure this out when I could
listen to my tapes in the car?

Bye.

Shall we?

Well, it's a shame
that you have to die, Lois...

but look on the bright side.

You'll be a story on the 6:00 news.

You know, unless a local cat
does something funny.

Diane, please. Please, don't do this.

I won't tell anybody, I swear to God.

That's right. You won't.

Goodbye, Lois.

[GUNSHOT]

[GASPING]

[SCREAMS]

LOIS:
Hello?

Is anyone there?

Whoever you are, thank you.

If anybody's gonna take that bitch down,
it's gonna be me.

[ORCHESTRAL "FAMILY GUY"
THEME PLAYING]

[English - US - SDH]