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1
00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:17,602
Fully eight months on patrol and nothin'.
2
00:00:17,727 --> 00:00:20,095
You know, Rupert,
I miss the Earth so much.
3
00:00:20,163 --> 00:00:21,296
I miss my wife.
4
00:00:21,364 --> 00:00:22,464
It's lonely out in spac...
5
00:00:26,235 --> 00:00:28,002
Uh-oh, Rupert,
we've got company,
6
00:00:28,070 --> 00:00:30,070
and I don't think
it's the Avon lady.
7
00:00:32,273 --> 00:00:33,608
Strap yourself in.
8
00:00:33,676 --> 00:00:35,057
No matter what happens,
9
00:00:35,125 --> 00:00:37,309
it's been a privilege
to serve under you.
10
00:01:13,508 --> 00:01:15,017
Don't relax yet, Rupert,
11
00:01:15,093 --> 00:01:17,471
those fighters had to have
been coming from somewhere.
12
00:01:19,654 --> 00:01:22,209
Oh, my God.
13
00:01:44,284 --> 00:01:45,224
Wait a minute, Rupert,
14
00:01:45,293 --> 00:01:46,697
there's a weapons
systems cooling duct
15
00:01:46,765 --> 00:01:48,408
on the far side
of the hull.
16
00:01:48,475 --> 00:01:50,485
If we can get just
one good shot at it,
17
00:01:50,553 --> 00:01:53,097
we can blow that fat
bastard out of the cosmos.
18
00:02:26,820 --> 00:02:28,861
Uh-oh, Rupert, our
main blasters are gone.
19
00:02:28,928 --> 00:02:31,335
Looks like this is
a suicide mission.
20
00:02:40,406 --> 00:02:43,553
Got you! Got you! Got you!
Got you! Got you!
21
00:02:43,620 --> 00:02:45,894
Stewie, get lost. Daddy's
trying to watch the ball game.
22
00:02:45,962 --> 00:02:48,135
You can't talk. I've knocked
out your communication systems.
23
00:02:48,203 --> 00:02:49,440
Hey, hey, look, Stewie,
24
00:02:49,510 --> 00:02:50,913
Rupert wants to go play
down in the basement.
25
00:02:50,981 --> 00:02:52,284
Hey, hey, Stewie,
26
00:02:52,352 --> 00:02:53,858
I'm gonna go play
down in the basement.
27
00:02:53,926 --> 00:02:55,029
Here I go.
♪ Do-do-do-do-do. ♪
28
00:02:55,096 --> 00:02:56,399
What? Why, Rupert?
29
00:02:56,467 --> 00:02:57,571
Why do you want to play
in the basement?
30
00:02:57,639 --> 00:02:59,208
I don't know, I just feel like
31
00:02:59,276 --> 00:03:00,679
there might be some
fun stuff down there.
32
00:03:00,746 --> 00:03:01,949
I'm not following
your logic.
33
00:03:02,016 --> 00:03:03,622
And why are you talking
different than usual?
34
00:03:03,689 --> 00:03:04,725
Here I go.
35
00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:06,028
Rupert, get back here.
36
00:03:07,166 --> 00:03:08,469
Rupert?
37
00:03:08,539 --> 00:03:09,875
Oh, there you are.
38
00:03:09,943 --> 00:03:12,552
Wow, look at all
the old stuff down here.
39
00:03:12,620 --> 00:03:13,822
Hello, what's this?
40
00:03:16,833 --> 00:03:19,138
"What I Learned
on Jefferson Street.
41
00:03:19,206 --> 00:03:21,445
Written by H. Brian Griffin."
42
00:03:21,513 --> 00:03:23,318
Oh, yes.
43
00:03:30,875 --> 00:03:32,076
What's this?
44
00:03:32,143 --> 00:03:33,212
What the hell...
45
00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:34,449
Where the hell
did this come from?
46
00:03:34,516 --> 00:03:35,687
What is it, Brian?
47
00:03:35,755 --> 00:03:37,325
It's the first thing
I ever wrote.
48
00:03:37,392 --> 00:03:39,231
It's a script for a
television show, a drama.
49
00:03:39,298 --> 00:03:41,070
I had an idea for a script once.
50
00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:43,277
It's basically Jaws, except
when the guys in the boat
51
00:03:43,345 --> 00:03:44,782
are going after Jaws,
52
00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:47,055
they look around and there's
an even bigger Jaws,
53
00:03:47,123 --> 00:03:50,465
so the guys have to team up
with Jaws to get bigger Jaws.
54
00:03:50,532 --> 00:03:52,204
I call it Big Jaws.
55
00:03:52,271 --> 00:03:54,043
God, I haven't looked
at this in years.
56
00:03:54,110 --> 00:03:56,482
I don't even remember
if it's any good or not.
57
00:03:56,550 --> 00:03:58,657
Oh, wait a minute.
58
00:03:58,725 --> 00:04:00,763
Yeah, yeah, this is all
coming back to me.
59
00:04:00,831 --> 00:04:03,738
You know, this is actually
not too bad a piece of work.
60
00:04:03,806 --> 00:04:06,278
This was... this was kind
of deep as I recall.
61
00:04:06,345 --> 00:04:08,383
You know, Lois, you...
you might actually be interested
62
00:04:08,451 --> 00:04:10,556
in reading this.
63
00:04:10,623 --> 00:04:12,194
You... you...
you might actually...
64
00:04:12,262 --> 00:04:14,768
You... you might like this.
65
00:04:14,836 --> 00:04:16,707
You should look at it.
66
00:04:22,857 --> 00:04:24,827
All right, damn it!
67
00:04:27,764 --> 00:04:30,231
So, have you read
the script yet?
68
00:04:30,299 --> 00:04:32,933
Oh, I'm sorry, Brian,
I haven't gotten around to it.
69
00:04:33,001 --> 00:04:34,368
Why not now, you know?
70
00:04:34,435 --> 00:04:35,569
Just get it
off your plate.
71
00:04:35,637 --> 00:04:37,138
Oh, gosh, you know what?
72
00:04:37,206 --> 00:04:39,140
I don't even know what I did
with the copy that you ga...
73
00:04:39,208 --> 00:04:41,015
Oh, (bleep), there it is.
74
00:04:41,083 --> 00:04:42,550
Hey, you know what else
would be great?
75
00:04:42,618 --> 00:04:44,618
Why... why don't you put check
marks next to scenes you like?
76
00:04:44,686 --> 00:04:46,752
- Well, I don't have a...
- Here's a pen.
77
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:49,354
You know, I'll... I'll just
leave it for you right here.
78
00:04:49,422 --> 00:04:51,922
Okay. Thank you, Brian.
79
00:04:51,990 --> 00:04:53,857
Hey, you know what I'll do
to make it even easier?
80
00:04:53,924 --> 00:04:55,991
I'll just go ahead and
place this in your hand.
81
00:04:56,059 --> 00:04:57,426
There we are.
82
00:04:57,493 --> 00:04:59,794
And now when you go,
"Oh, where's that crazy pen?"
83
00:04:59,862 --> 00:05:01,196
Well, there it is.
84
00:05:01,263 --> 00:05:02,630
It's in your hand.
85
00:05:02,698 --> 00:05:04,999
Brian, I'm not gonna read this
with you standing here.
86
00:05:05,066 --> 00:05:07,068
Oh, it's okay,
I don't mind.
87
00:05:07,136 --> 00:05:08,637
Go for a ride in the car?
88
00:05:13,442 --> 00:05:14,642
Come on!
89
00:05:18,781 --> 00:05:21,882
Why the hell's it taking her
so long to read that thing?
90
00:05:21,950 --> 00:05:23,951
I don't know, I saw
her giving Joe notes
91
00:05:24,019 --> 00:05:25,085
on his pilot this morning.
92
00:05:25,153 --> 00:05:26,119
What?
93
00:05:26,187 --> 00:05:27,387
Brian, your script...
94
00:05:28,923 --> 00:05:31,157
It was enchanting.
95
00:05:31,224 --> 00:05:32,991
This Brian Griffin...
96
00:05:33,059 --> 00:05:34,793
I've never met this
Brian Griffin.
97
00:05:34,860 --> 00:05:36,261
I would have told you
last night,
98
00:05:36,328 --> 00:05:38,663
but I was 100% sure
you ripped it off.
99
00:05:38,730 --> 00:05:40,498
But after spending
the last eighteen hours
100
00:05:40,565 --> 00:05:41,832
on the Internet
and in libraries
101
00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:43,234
trying to find traces
of it somewhere,
102
00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:45,272
I couldn't find a thing.
103
00:05:45,340 --> 00:05:47,575
Well, I... I'm...
I'm so happy you liked it.
104
00:05:47,642 --> 00:05:49,076
Look, I don't want
to get your hopes up,
105
00:05:49,143 --> 00:05:51,544
but Daddy's got some
connections over at CBS,
106
00:05:51,612 --> 00:05:54,614
and I think he could
help you get this on TV.
107
00:05:54,682 --> 00:05:56,716
That's amazing, Lois!
Thank you!
108
00:05:56,784 --> 00:05:59,485
Oh, I am very proud of you.
109
00:05:59,553 --> 00:06:01,319
My God, a TV pilot.
110
00:06:01,387 --> 00:06:03,782
Wow, Brian, you must
feel like Hitler did
111
00:06:03,850 --> 00:06:05,884
after he wrote Mein Kampf.
112
00:06:05,952 --> 00:06:08,152
Well, we read it and
we don't like it.
113
00:06:09,288 --> 00:06:10,355
We love it!
114
00:06:11,958 --> 00:06:13,659
You got me!
115
00:06:13,728 --> 00:06:16,097
I could have killed you,
Mr. Weinberg!
116
00:06:30,211 --> 00:06:34,014
"Dear Diary, still no sign
of that tampon from last week,
117
00:06:34,081 --> 00:06:36,215
but the headaches
are getting worse."
118
00:06:37,751 --> 00:06:40,085
Chris, what are you doing?!
Give me that!
119
00:06:46,426 --> 00:06:48,856
Well, I'm off to buy
imaginary groceries.
120
00:06:55,725 --> 00:06:57,491
Do you think he's okay?
121
00:06:57,559 --> 00:06:58,894
I don't know.
122
00:06:58,962 --> 00:07:00,330
You idiot,
this is your fault.
123
00:07:00,397 --> 00:07:01,498
My fault?
124
00:07:01,565 --> 00:07:02,999
You were the one
chasing me.
125
00:07:03,066 --> 00:07:04,567
You were the one
reading my diary.
126
00:07:04,634 --> 00:07:05,668
Kids, breakfast.
127
00:07:05,735 --> 00:07:06,735
What do we do?
128
00:07:06,803 --> 00:07:07,836
Is he breathing?
129
00:07:07,904 --> 00:07:08,970
It... it looks like it.
130
00:07:09,038 --> 00:07:10,138
That's a good sign, right?
131
00:07:20,748 --> 00:07:22,606
Brian, I'm afraid I'm going
to have to be blunt with you.
132
00:07:22,630 --> 00:07:26,051
- Yeah?
- We love this pilot!
133
00:07:26,118 --> 00:07:29,553
Oh, my God,
I felt like Hitler just then.
134
00:07:29,621 --> 00:07:31,289
- What?
- It was a joke.
135
00:07:31,357 --> 00:07:32,657
I just... I just said
I felt like Hitler.
136
00:07:34,393 --> 00:07:37,160
What?
Nobody here's Jewish, right?
137
00:07:37,227 --> 00:07:40,294
Uh, gee, I don't know,
are you Jewish, Gordon?
138
00:07:40,362 --> 00:07:42,362
Gee, I don't know,
Jeremy, are you?
139
00:07:42,430 --> 00:07:44,163
I... I had no idea.
140
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:45,464
I'm... I'm sorry.
141
00:07:45,531 --> 00:07:48,165
Hey, Brian.
We're both Italian.
142
00:07:48,233 --> 00:07:50,033
You're in.
143
00:07:52,803 --> 00:07:54,503
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
144
00:08:04,492 --> 00:08:05,659
Chris, I'm worried.
145
00:08:05,756 --> 00:08:07,056
Stewie's still unconscious.
146
00:08:07,123 --> 00:08:08,356
Maybe he's just sleeping.
147
00:08:08,424 --> 00:08:09,691
Is Stewie in here?
148
00:08:09,758 --> 00:08:10,958
Ye... yes.
149
00:08:11,026 --> 00:08:12,259
Well, can you
give him to me?
150
00:08:12,327 --> 00:08:13,660
It's time
for his dinner.
151
00:08:13,728 --> 00:08:15,328
Oh, don't worry, Mom,
we'll bring him down.
152
00:08:15,396 --> 00:08:17,900
Anything I can do to make
your life a little easier.
153
00:08:17,968 --> 00:08:19,970
Well, you could always
grab the vacuum
154
00:08:20,038 --> 00:08:21,773
and clean up the
living room floor.
155
00:08:21,841 --> 00:08:23,441
Oh sure,
I'll take care of that.
156
00:08:23,509 --> 00:08:25,711
Are you, uh,
running off to your job?
157
00:08:25,779 --> 00:08:28,146
- Oh.
- Yeah.
158
00:08:28,214 --> 00:08:29,848
- Okay.
- Yeah.
159
00:08:34,119 --> 00:08:36,520
Kids, what is taking so long?
160
00:08:36,588 --> 00:08:37,554
Dinner's ready.
161
00:08:41,525 --> 00:08:45,126
Oh, look at my little cowboy.
162
00:08:45,194 --> 00:08:47,896
Come on, Stewie,
up in your high chair.
163
00:08:49,865 --> 00:08:51,298
Boy, he must be starving.
164
00:08:52,667 --> 00:08:54,368
Yeah, he's really
chowing down.
165
00:08:54,436 --> 00:08:56,036
Hey, how's the food,
Stewie?
166
00:08:56,104 --> 00:08:58,071
Oy, blimey,
it's right delicious,
167
00:08:58,139 --> 00:09:00,073
I do declare.
Wacka wacka.
168
00:09:00,141 --> 00:09:02,976
Brian, have you decided
who's gonna star in your show?
169
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,544
Well, it's a tough role.
170
00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:06,680
I mean, Byron is a
twenty-five-year-old single father
171
00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:08,314
going back to finish college
172
00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:10,149
so he can do right
by his four-year-old daughter.
173
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:12,085
So it's got to be somebody
who can project
174
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:14,453
a certain amount of
world-wizened sophistication,
175
00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:15,988
while at the same time retaining
176
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,856
a certain youthfully
passionate idealism.
177
00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:19,658
You know who'd be good?
Big Jaws.
178
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,326
Actually, in my mind,
there's only one actor
179
00:09:21,393 --> 00:09:23,660
who could do this role:
Elijah Wood.
180
00:09:23,728 --> 00:09:25,162
Oh, Elijah Wood.
181
00:09:25,229 --> 00:09:27,997
I got a little bit
of a crush on him, I have.
182
00:09:28,065 --> 00:09:30,165
Oh, oh, look, Lois, wishbone.
183
00:09:30,233 --> 00:09:31,399
Okay, ready?
184
00:09:31,467 --> 00:09:33,768
One, two, three.
185
00:09:34,870 --> 00:09:35,803
Yes!
186
00:09:35,871 --> 00:09:36,738
I got five seconds.
187
00:09:42,144 --> 00:09:44,376
Hah! No gravity.
188
00:09:48,948 --> 00:09:51,050
There he is!
189
00:09:51,118 --> 00:09:52,185
Oh, go on.
190
00:09:52,252 --> 00:09:53,685
No, really, go on.
191
00:09:55,688 --> 00:09:57,758
Hi, I'm Todd Goldstein,
192
00:09:57,826 --> 00:10:00,098
senior executive of programming
here at the network.
193
00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:02,068
We are so happy
to be working with you.
194
00:10:02,136 --> 00:10:04,236
I hope you brought the magic
wand you wrote this with.
195
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:05,771
Yep, it's right here.
196
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:08,040
Watch, I'll turn this beautiful
princess into a toad.
197
00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:09,375
- Bing.
- Ribbit.
198
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:12,244
Oh, all right,
I can tell
199
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:13,946
this is gonna be
a fun process.
200
00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:16,319
You know, Brian, you've spun
gold into these pages,
201
00:10:16,387 --> 00:10:18,891
and it's our job to bring
that gold to the screen.
202
00:10:18,959 --> 00:10:21,464
So, what do you say we get this
casting session started, huh?
203
00:10:21,532 --> 00:10:23,133
Let's do it.
204
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:26,202
- All right!
- Yeah!
205
00:10:26,269 --> 00:10:28,437
Okay, now obviously,
we love Elijah Wood
206
00:10:28,504 --> 00:10:30,838
for the part of Byron
as much as you do.
207
00:10:30,906 --> 00:10:32,504
The audition
is just a formality.
208
00:10:32,572 --> 00:10:33,671
Let's bring him in.
209
00:10:33,739 --> 00:10:35,339
Elijah?
210
00:10:35,406 --> 00:10:36,573
Hi, everyone.
211
00:10:36,641 --> 00:10:39,309
- Hey, Elijah, how are you?
- How you doing?
212
00:10:39,377 --> 00:10:40,676
So should I just
jump into this?
213
00:10:40,744 --> 00:10:42,411
Whenever you're ready.
214
00:10:42,479 --> 00:10:44,112
Okay, I'll read you in, Elijah.
215
00:10:44,180 --> 00:10:46,213
Now, this is the scene where
Byron's professor fails him
216
00:10:46,281 --> 00:10:47,748
for missing the
chemistry midterm
217
00:10:47,815 --> 00:10:50,116
to take his daughter
to the doctor.
218
00:10:50,184 --> 00:10:53,518
I'm sorry, Byron, missing the
midterm is an automatic failure.
219
00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:55,887
Go ahead, Professor Watkins,
fail me if you want.
220
00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:57,788
Give me an "F" on the exam.
221
00:10:57,856 --> 00:11:00,157
I don't care because
I got an "A" today...
222
00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:01,625
as a dad.
223
00:11:01,692 --> 00:11:03,093
Maybe this is news to you,
224
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:05,461
but love isn't some element
on your periodic table.
225
00:11:05,529 --> 00:11:06,729
So, you know what?
226
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:08,763
Keep your chromium
and magnesium,
227
00:11:08,831 --> 00:11:11,398
because I discovered
a much more precious element.
228
00:11:11,466 --> 00:11:13,002
I discovered Dadmium.
229
00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:15,940
Wow.
230
00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:18,443
Does that audition come
with a box of tissues?
231
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:19,678
That was a great read.
232
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:22,113
Thanks, everybody.
233
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:23,714
I mean, come on.
How great is he?
234
00:11:23,782 --> 00:11:26,349
Wow. He's amazing.
That's our guy.
235
00:11:26,417 --> 00:11:27,617
That's our Byron.
236
00:11:27,684 --> 00:11:28,818
Great. Then we're
good to go.
237
00:11:28,885 --> 00:11:30,852
Look, since we're playing
with house money,
238
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:33,354
we do have
one more guy.
239
00:11:33,422 --> 00:11:34,789
- What?
- Oh, don't worry.
240
00:11:34,857 --> 00:11:35,857
He's not Byron.
241
00:11:35,925 --> 00:11:37,492
Somebody upstairs
threw out a name,
242
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:38,527
got real excited about it,
243
00:11:38,594 --> 00:11:39,928
so we're just
playing the game.
244
00:11:39,995 --> 00:11:42,130
Okay, so who?
245
00:11:42,197 --> 00:11:44,398
Hey, what's up, douche bags?
246
00:11:44,465 --> 00:11:46,132
I'm here to audition
for this stupid pilot.
247
00:11:48,401 --> 00:11:49,568
James Woods?
248
00:11:49,636 --> 00:11:51,403
Thanks for
coming in, Jimmy.
249
00:11:51,471 --> 00:11:52,738
Do you need
a copy of the scene?
250
00:11:52,806 --> 00:11:54,273
Nah, I got it memorized.
251
00:11:54,341 --> 00:11:55,575
Just like
your wife's phone number.
252
00:11:57,611 --> 00:11:58,811
No, he didn't!
253
00:11:58,878 --> 00:12:00,345
I do, though.
I have it memorized.
254
00:12:00,413 --> 00:12:01,546
Wait a second.
I don't want this guy
255
00:12:01,614 --> 00:12:02,747
anywhere near this show!
256
00:12:02,815 --> 00:12:04,482
He's been harassing
my family for years!
257
00:12:04,549 --> 00:12:06,951
He stalked my best friend and
then he stole his identity!
258
00:12:09,053 --> 00:12:10,787
Oh, my God.
That's an episode!
259
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,155
Brian, will you
read him in?
260
00:12:14,325 --> 00:12:15,725
I'm sorry, Byron.
261
00:12:15,793 --> 00:12:17,993
Missing the midterm
is an automatic failure.
262
00:12:18,061 --> 00:12:20,195
Hey, science face,
I got an "F" for you.
263
00:12:20,263 --> 00:12:21,630
It stands for "(bleep) you."
264
00:12:22,998 --> 00:12:24,165
There he is!
265
00:12:24,233 --> 00:12:25,333
Hey, and guess what?
266
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:26,534
I discovered a new element.
267
00:12:30,171 --> 00:12:32,473
Okay, thanks a lot,
everybody. I got to go.
268
00:12:32,540 --> 00:12:34,375
I got some school
bus seats to sniff.
269
00:12:35,610 --> 00:12:37,111
Seriously, stop it!
270
00:12:37,178 --> 00:12:38,912
Okay, did everyone else
feel that?
271
00:12:38,980 --> 00:12:39,880
I felt it.
272
00:12:39,947 --> 00:12:41,414
Oh, I felt it, too.
273
00:12:41,481 --> 00:12:43,215
I felt whatever the most senior
executive in this room felt.
274
00:12:43,283 --> 00:12:44,683
Okay, good.
So we all felt it.
275
00:12:44,751 --> 00:12:46,651
Wait, you're not seriously
considering him, are you?
276
00:12:46,719 --> 00:12:48,553
James Woods is insane.
277
00:12:48,621 --> 00:12:50,188
And on top of that,
he's, like, sixty.
278
00:12:50,255 --> 00:12:52,122
The character of Byron
is twenty-five years old.
279
00:12:52,190 --> 00:12:53,290
I know, I know.
280
00:12:53,358 --> 00:12:55,859
But what if he wasn't?
281
00:12:55,927 --> 00:12:56,960
What? But he is.
282
00:12:57,028 --> 00:12:58,061
...n't.
283
00:12:58,129 --> 00:12:59,563
My God,
this is a nightmare.
284
00:12:59,631 --> 00:13:01,465
I thought you said you weren't
gonna mess with my show.
285
00:13:01,532 --> 00:13:02,966
It's a small change, Brian.
286
00:13:03,034 --> 00:13:04,301
You won't even notice it.
287
00:13:04,369 --> 00:13:05,903
You guys aren't gonna
(bleep) believe this.
288
00:13:05,970 --> 00:13:07,137
Call a tow truck.
289
00:13:07,205 --> 00:13:09,405
I just banged
into some homo's Prius.
290
00:13:12,108 --> 00:13:14,476
This is Rob, our director.
291
00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:17,409
Hey, Brian. Really looking
forward to making your show.
292
00:13:17,476 --> 00:13:19,944
What's, uh, wha...
what's with all those empty seats?
293
00:13:20,012 --> 00:13:21,546
Well, that's where the audience
is gonna sit.
294
00:13:21,613 --> 00:13:22,880
Audience?
295
00:13:22,948 --> 00:13:24,381
This isn't a sitcom.
It's a drama.
296
00:13:24,449 --> 00:13:27,817
Well, we thought it would be a
lot funnier if it was a sitcom.
297
00:13:27,885 --> 00:13:29,552
It's... It's... It's not supposed
to be funny.
298
00:13:29,620 --> 00:13:31,654
It's a serious drama
about a single father
299
00:13:31,721 --> 00:13:33,155
raising his
four-year-old daughter.
300
00:13:33,222 --> 00:13:35,090
Oh, right.
That's the other thing.
301
00:13:35,157 --> 00:13:37,257
Now, this is just a thought,
but we're doing it.
302
00:13:37,325 --> 00:13:38,692
- She's eighteen.
- What?
303
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,426
It was James Woods' idea
304
00:13:40,494 --> 00:13:42,128
and we thought it was
just the right hook.
305
00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:43,698
I mean,
how great is that?
306
00:13:43,766 --> 00:13:46,934
A father and a daughter,
both in college together?
307
00:13:47,002 --> 00:13:49,002
Hey, do you guys think this
outfit is too revealing?
308
00:13:49,070 --> 00:13:50,270
What... what do
you think, Brian?
309
00:13:50,338 --> 00:13:51,338
I mean, what...
what do you think
310
00:13:51,405 --> 00:13:52,639
of the ta-tas,
you know what I mean?
311
00:13:52,706 --> 00:13:54,874
Can we do better?
I think we can do better, right?
312
00:13:54,942 --> 00:13:56,509
Who is this?
Where'd you get this girl?
313
00:13:56,577 --> 00:13:58,644
Oh, by the way,
I need a chimp sidekick.
314
00:14:03,082 --> 00:14:04,683
Maybe we should take him
to the hospital.
315
00:14:04,750 --> 00:14:06,150
I think the maggots
have evolved
316
00:14:06,218 --> 00:14:08,085
to the point that they've
developed space travel.
317
00:14:12,089 --> 00:14:14,123
We just gotta clean
the wound, Meg.
318
00:14:14,190 --> 00:14:15,624
Hand me that
scrub brush.
319
00:14:16,893 --> 00:14:17,926
Hey, Chris.
320
00:14:17,994 --> 00:14:19,827
Hey... Hey, Dad.
321
00:14:21,663 --> 00:14:24,531
So, question: How long has
Stewie been unconscious?
322
00:14:24,599 --> 00:14:25,866
Oh my God,
Chris, he knows!
323
00:14:25,933 --> 00:14:28,368
Dad, I am so sorry.
324
00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:30,803
We should have told somebody,
but we were too scared,
325
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:33,272
and... and... and I wanted
to take him to the hospital,
326
00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:34,306
but Chris wouldn't let me.
327
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:35,474
Good, Chris.
328
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:36,675
I've taught you well.
329
00:14:36,742 --> 00:14:37,842
You've got
the right instincts.
330
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:39,210
When you were babies,
331
00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:40,678
I used to knock you kids out
every month or so,
332
00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:43,214
sometimes by accident,
sometimes when the Patriots lost.
333
00:14:43,281 --> 00:14:45,516
You just gotta cover it up,
and eventually it all works out.
334
00:14:45,583 --> 00:14:47,084
Meg, this is
a list of hats.
335
00:14:47,151 --> 00:14:48,218
I need these by 4:00.
336
00:14:48,285 --> 00:14:49,786
Good idea.
337
00:14:49,854 --> 00:14:51,721
One of those hats would have
helped him at the park today.
338
00:14:51,789 --> 00:14:54,891
Chris, did you put a
coonskin cap on Stewie?
339
00:14:54,959 --> 00:14:56,025
No, why?
340
00:14:59,095 --> 00:15:01,494
They look like little robbers.
341
00:15:05,698 --> 00:15:07,265
Hey, good evening, everyone,
342
00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:10,401
and welcome to the first taping
of CBS's new hit comedy,
343
00:15:10,469 --> 00:15:11,702
Class Holes!
344
00:15:13,471 --> 00:15:15,305
Wait a minute.
That's not the title.
345
00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:17,207
It's called
"What I Learned on Jefferson Street."
346
00:15:17,275 --> 00:15:19,342
Yeah, it didn't make
a lot of sense
347
00:15:19,410 --> 00:15:20,710
now that he lives
on Boner Street.
348
00:15:20,778 --> 00:15:22,412
And... action!
349
00:15:22,479 --> 00:15:24,748
Okay, Hillary,
you know the bet.
350
00:15:24,816 --> 00:15:26,616
You have to sleep
with the next guy
351
00:15:26,684 --> 00:15:27,884
that walks
through that door.
352
00:15:27,952 --> 00:15:29,285
Got it.
353
00:15:29,353 --> 00:15:30,453
Dad?!
354
00:15:32,355 --> 00:15:33,489
Hillary?
355
00:15:34,657 --> 00:15:35,790
You're in college?
356
00:15:37,593 --> 00:15:39,560
You're my new
college roommate?!
357
00:15:41,129 --> 00:15:42,596
We're gonna be
living together?
358
00:15:43,998 --> 00:15:45,499
In the same dorm?
359
00:15:46,868 --> 00:15:48,201
For the whole year?!
360
00:15:49,703 --> 00:15:51,570
With my chimp sidekick?!
361
00:15:52,906 --> 00:15:55,240
Brian, they love it.
362
00:15:55,308 --> 00:15:57,076
Wha... what is this?
This isn't my script.
363
00:15:57,143 --> 00:15:58,377
What the hell'd
you do to it?!
364
00:15:58,445 --> 00:16:00,079
And I've got
great news for you.
365
00:16:00,146 --> 00:16:02,414
We just got an e-mail
from the network heads.
366
00:16:02,482 --> 00:16:04,950
They want to pick up Class Holes!
for twenty-two episodes!
367
00:16:05,018 --> 00:16:06,584
- Really?
- Yeah, aren't you thrilled?
368
00:16:06,652 --> 00:16:09,654
I, uh...
I'm not sure.
369
00:16:09,722 --> 00:16:12,690
Hey, guys, the chimp just ripped
the other girl's boob off.
370
00:16:12,758 --> 00:16:14,725
Please tell me
you got that on camera.
371
00:16:21,620 --> 00:16:23,587
Lois, I... I wish you hadn't
gone through all this trouble.
372
00:16:23,655 --> 00:16:24,755
Are you kidding?
373
00:16:24,823 --> 00:16:26,356
I'm so excited.
374
00:16:26,424 --> 00:16:28,124
From the first time
I read that script,
375
00:16:28,192 --> 00:16:30,126
I just knew it was
gonna make it on TV.
376
00:16:30,194 --> 00:16:31,327
I could see it.
377
00:16:31,394 --> 00:16:32,895
Well, yeah, I mean,
378
00:16:32,962 --> 00:16:36,398
but the real victory is just
having a show make it to TV.
379
00:16:36,466 --> 00:16:38,401
I mean, we almost don't
even need to watch.
380
00:16:38,468 --> 00:16:40,503
Hey, what's the cast of
Two and a Half Men doing here?
381
00:16:40,571 --> 00:16:42,605
Well, you're always
saying our show sucks.
382
00:16:42,673 --> 00:16:43,773
Let's see yours.
383
00:16:43,841 --> 00:16:45,875
Come on, Peter!
Come on, kids!
384
00:16:45,943 --> 00:16:47,445
The show's about to start!
385
00:16:47,513 --> 00:16:49,781
I'm coming.
I was just gettin' Stewie.
386
00:16:49,849 --> 00:16:51,817
All right, got the little
guy up from his nap.
387
00:16:51,885 --> 00:16:54,950
Say hello to everyone, Stewie.
388
00:16:55,016 --> 00:16:56,616
Aww.
389
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:57,684
Oh, oh, look, everybody.
390
00:16:57,751 --> 00:16:59,953
It's starting.
391
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:03,722
♪ There was a man. ♪
392
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:05,456
♪ He dropped out. ♪
393
00:17:05,523 --> 00:17:07,122
♪ Now he's back. ♪
394
00:17:07,190 --> 00:17:09,457
♪ He had a daughter. ♪
395
00:17:09,525 --> 00:17:10,892
♪ Now she's in college with him. ♪
396
00:17:10,959 --> 00:17:14,128
What a pain in my class!
397
00:17:27,439 --> 00:17:29,640
Well, Dad,
I owe you an apology.
398
00:17:29,707 --> 00:17:32,107
You said you'd win that
talent show and you did.
399
00:17:32,175 --> 00:17:34,142
Now everyone's doing
the Charleston.
400
00:17:35,377 --> 00:17:36,477
Not everyone.
401
00:17:36,545 --> 00:17:38,145
Someone's doing
The Monkey.
402
00:17:39,380 --> 00:17:41,181
Mr. Nubbins.
403
00:17:41,248 --> 00:17:43,350
Well, if you
can't beat 'em...
404
00:17:50,293 --> 00:17:52,227
So, uh...
what'd you guys think?
405
00:17:52,295 --> 00:17:54,329
Not the worst thing
in the world, right?
406
00:17:55,731 --> 00:17:57,098
Oh, ha-ha.
407
00:17:57,166 --> 00:17:58,933
Time for bed, Stewie.
408
00:18:01,637 --> 00:18:04,170
So, really, everybody,
what... what'd you think?
409
00:18:04,238 --> 00:18:05,637
You want to know
what I think?
410
00:18:05,704 --> 00:18:06,871
Well, yeah.
411
00:18:06,939 --> 00:18:08,037
You son of a bitch!
412
00:18:08,105 --> 00:18:09,204
Oh! Oh my God!
413
00:18:09,272 --> 00:18:10,305
- It's a travesty!
- Joe, stop it!
414
00:18:10,372 --> 00:18:11,505
And I will kill you!
415
00:18:11,573 --> 00:18:12,772
- Okay, okay.
- Come on, Joe.
416
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:14,441
You bastard,
we hired a sitter for this!
417
00:18:14,509 --> 00:18:15,677
- Come on, come on, Joe!
- Okay, come on.
418
00:18:15,744 --> 00:18:18,012
Guys, keep his anus
above his head!
419
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,380
Okay, okay.
All right, all right.
420
00:18:19,447 --> 00:18:20,280
- Okay, careful.
- Careful, Peter.
421
00:18:21,416 --> 00:18:22,983
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
422
00:18:23,050 --> 00:18:24,851
Look, I'm sure you're
disappointed, Lois,
423
00:18:24,919 --> 00:18:26,152
but it wasn't my fault.
424
00:18:26,219 --> 00:18:27,953
There... there were so
many people interfering.
425
00:18:28,020 --> 00:18:29,287
Of course
it's gonna be bad.
426
00:18:29,355 --> 00:18:31,722
I'm not disappointed
because it was bad.
427
00:18:31,790 --> 00:18:34,324
I'm disappointed
because you sold out.
428
00:18:34,392 --> 00:18:36,426
You had something really
special there, Brian.
429
00:18:36,494 --> 00:18:38,628
You had a vision and
you let them change it
430
00:18:38,696 --> 00:18:40,296
because you didn't
believe in yourself.
431
00:18:40,363 --> 00:18:42,030
Lois, what was I gonna do?
432
00:18:42,098 --> 00:18:44,032
It was either do it their way
or get cancelled.
433
00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:47,102
Well, at least then you would
have had your integrity.
434
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:55,908
You guys wanted
to see me?
435
00:18:55,976 --> 00:18:58,510
Look, Brian, we're really
excited about the ratings.
436
00:18:58,577 --> 00:19:00,645
We're just really disappointed
with how low they are.
437
00:19:00,712 --> 00:19:02,346
We did some testing
this morning,
438
00:19:02,414 --> 00:19:03,848
and we think we've
discovered the problem.
439
00:19:03,915 --> 00:19:07,351
People want something
more real, more grounded.
440
00:19:07,418 --> 00:19:09,285
That's exactly
what I think, too.
441
00:19:09,353 --> 00:19:11,420
We need to get back
to the original script.
442
00:19:11,488 --> 00:19:13,722
Byron wants to do right
by his daughter,
443
00:19:13,789 --> 00:19:15,757
and I think that everyone
can relate to that.
444
00:19:15,825 --> 00:19:17,391
That's what America
wants to see.
445
00:19:17,459 --> 00:19:19,593
The simple love within a family
446
00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:21,728
that conquers all
and makes life worth living.
447
00:19:21,796 --> 00:19:25,532
What if I'm a cop and the chimp
is my reincarnated partner?
448
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:26,666
Yes!
449
00:19:26,734 --> 00:19:27,901
That's perfect!
450
00:19:27,968 --> 00:19:29,669
See? That's relatable!
451
00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:31,203
How the hell is that relatable?
452
00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:33,138
And every month,
he's got a story
453
00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:34,839
for why he doesn't have
his half of the rent.
454
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,874
I'm not doing this!
455
00:19:36,942 --> 00:19:38,775
What do you mean,
you're not doing it?
456
00:19:38,843 --> 00:19:40,412
I'm drawing the line.
457
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,280
I wrote a script that really
meant a lot to me,
458
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:43,715
and you guys took it
459
00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:45,517
and turned it into something
cheap and ridiculous.
460
00:19:45,584 --> 00:19:46,751
I've had enough.
461
00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:48,586
I'm not selling out anymore.
I quit.
462
00:19:50,489 --> 00:19:52,623
Do you guys have a
studio lawyer or something,
463
00:19:52,690 --> 00:19:54,090
'cause I banged
that chick,
464
00:19:54,158 --> 00:19:56,593
and I think she is
well under eighteen years old.
465
00:19:59,630 --> 00:20:00,963
All right,
he's not waking up.
466
00:20:01,031 --> 00:20:02,498
I think we gotta take
these bandages off
467
00:20:02,566 --> 00:20:04,132
and see what we're
dealin' with here.
468
00:20:06,637 --> 00:20:08,305
Oh, crap,
you smell that?
469
00:20:08,372 --> 00:20:09,372
That's brain smell.
470
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,007
Okay, I don't care
what you say.
471
00:20:11,075 --> 00:20:12,708
He's really hurt,
and I'm gonna do
472
00:20:12,776 --> 00:20:14,210
what I should have done
in the first place.
473
00:20:14,278 --> 00:20:15,578
I'm taking him
to the hospital.
474
00:20:15,646 --> 00:20:18,380
No, no. I got one
last plan, Meg.
475
00:20:27,050 --> 00:20:28,184
Oh, my God!
476
00:20:28,251 --> 00:20:29,718
Stewie!
477
00:20:29,786 --> 00:20:32,120
Oh, God.
What have I done?!
478
00:20:32,188 --> 00:20:33,987
Looks like you
ran over him, Lois.
479
00:20:34,055 --> 00:20:36,856
Oh, no!
He's unconscious!
480
00:20:36,924 --> 00:20:38,790
Peter, Peter,
we have to cover this up!
481
00:20:38,858 --> 00:20:40,391
Yeah, but...
What?!
482
00:20:40,459 --> 00:20:42,459
Let's put a hat on him
to cover the wound,
483
00:20:42,527 --> 00:20:43,727
and... and then let's
get some makeup
484
00:20:43,795 --> 00:20:45,262
and draw eyeballs
on his eyelids
485
00:20:45,329 --> 00:20:47,597
and find a way to pin
this on someone else.
486
00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:50,265
I love you
so much right now.
487
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:51,566
Let's go to the hospital.
488
00:21:02,675 --> 00:21:04,942
Well, Brian,
I'm proud of you.
489
00:21:05,010 --> 00:21:06,749
You went in there and you stood
up for what you believed in.
490
00:21:06,869 --> 00:21:08,736
Yeah, now I don't have
a TV show anymore.
491
00:21:09,047 --> 00:21:10,867
Oh who cares about that.
492
00:21:10,986 --> 00:21:13,320
You made the right choice
for your own integrity
493
00:21:13,388 --> 00:21:14,721
and that's what matters.
494
00:21:14,789 --> 00:21:16,089
Well, I suppose
you're right.
495
00:21:16,157 --> 00:21:18,558
And hey, at least I got
something on the air.
496
00:21:18,626 --> 00:21:20,159
I mean, not everyone
can say that.
497
00:21:21,870 --> 00:21:24,430
Announcer:
We now return to Big Jaws.
498
00:21:24,498 --> 00:21:28,305
Aah! Stop eating
our boat, Jaws!
499
00:21:28,373 --> 00:21:30,013
Rrr. I'm gonna
eat your boat,
500
00:21:30,081 --> 00:21:31,559
and then I'm gonna
eat you guys!
501
00:21:31,626 --> 00:21:33,453
Rarr!
502
00:21:33,521 --> 00:21:34,697
Oh, my God, what's that?
503
00:21:34,765 --> 00:21:36,082
It's Bigger Jaws!
504
00:21:36,150 --> 00:21:37,261
Oh, my God!
505
00:21:37,329 --> 00:21:38,539
Now we have
a common enemy.
506
00:21:38,607 --> 00:21:39,684
We have
to work together.
507
00:21:39,752 --> 00:21:41,237
I already got
a sequel in mind.
508
00:21:41,305 --> 00:21:42,889
It's called
Way Bigger Jaws.
509
00:21:42,956 --> 00:21:45,311
Hey, I just found
out it's November!
510
00:21:45,378 --> 00:21:47,797
What the (bleep)
happened?!
36863
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