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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,333 --> 00:00:06,602
♪ is violence in movies
and sex on TV. ♪
3
00:00:06,669 --> 00:00:10,205
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,273 --> 00:00:12,908
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:12,976 --> 00:00:16,511
♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪
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00:00:16,579 --> 00:00:19,915
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ all the things that make us ♪
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00:00:21,584 --> 00:00:23,318
♪ laugh and cry. ♪
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00:00:23,386 --> 00:00:26,588
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:26,656 --> 00:00:28,457
Transcript by addic7ed.com
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
11
00:00:36,899 --> 00:00:38,833
- Morning, Peter.
- Morning, Lois.
12
00:00:38,901 --> 00:00:39,868
You using the bathroom?
13
00:00:39,935 --> 00:00:40,835
Yeah. Why?
14
00:00:40,903 --> 00:00:42,170
I was just curious.
15
00:00:42,238 --> 00:00:44,072
Before you go,
I wanna ask you a question.
16
00:00:44,140 --> 00:00:45,340
Is there something
on my elbow?
17
00:00:45,408 --> 00:00:46,808
Me first,
me first, me first!
18
00:00:52,181 --> 00:00:53,381
Peter, I'm going first.
19
00:00:53,449 --> 00:00:54,549
Oh, no, you don't!
20
00:00:54,617 --> 00:00:57,052
- Move your ass, Peter!
- You move yours!
21
00:00:57,119 --> 00:00:58,653
I made reservations
with the maitre d'.
22
00:00:58,721 --> 00:01:00,021
Isn't that right, Cornelius?
23
00:01:00,089 --> 00:01:01,589
Lois Griffin,
poop for one.
24
00:01:01,657 --> 00:01:02,991
I also need a poop.
25
00:01:03,059 --> 00:01:04,426
Do you have a reservation, sir?
26
00:01:04,493 --> 00:01:05,994
Yeah, I called a couple days ago.
27
00:01:06,062 --> 00:01:07,195
Who did you speak to?
28
00:01:07,263 --> 00:01:10,131
Dave... ald... Jeff
29
00:01:10,199 --> 00:01:13,668
illiam... tonio?
30
00:01:13,736 --> 00:01:15,904
Davaldjeffilliamtonio
hasn't worked here for four years.
31
00:01:15,971 --> 00:01:19,240
Ah, the hell with you.
I'll use the other bathroom.
32
00:01:19,308 --> 00:01:21,509
Somebody's in here.
33
00:01:21,577 --> 00:01:24,379
Oh, excuse me.
34
00:01:24,447 --> 00:01:26,181
Good morning.
35
00:01:26,248 --> 00:01:28,983
Lois, since when does
an elephant live here?
36
00:01:29,051 --> 00:01:31,653
He's an exchange student.
Don't you remember?
37
00:01:31,721 --> 00:01:33,021
Oh, that's right.
38
00:01:33,089 --> 00:01:34,522
Don't you feel foolish?
39
00:01:34,590 --> 00:01:36,224
Well, how long
does it usually take you?
40
00:01:36,292 --> 00:01:37,392
I don't remember.
41
00:01:37,460 --> 00:01:38,493
Oh, my God,
42
00:01:38,561 --> 00:01:39,894
that is such
a bunch of crap.
43
00:01:39,962 --> 00:01:42,330
I hope my son is having
a better time with your family.
44
00:01:42,398 --> 00:01:44,466
Poachers!
45
00:01:50,439 --> 00:01:52,440
Joe, I need
to use your bathroom.
46
00:01:52,508 --> 00:01:53,575
Sure, Peter.
47
00:01:56,412 --> 00:01:57,946
What the hell?
48
00:01:58,013 --> 00:01:59,881
How do you even?
49
00:01:59,949 --> 00:02:01,716
Wha...? It...
50
00:02:01,784 --> 00:02:03,418
I... I don't...
51
00:02:03,486 --> 00:02:04,986
Wait. How do I...?
52
00:02:05,054 --> 00:02:06,254
Uh, yeah,
that's gonna be
53
00:02:06,322 --> 00:02:07,756
way too complicated for ya.
54
00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:09,190
How come there are two toilets?
55
00:02:09,258 --> 00:02:11,493
The other one's for blood.
56
00:02:16,198 --> 00:02:18,633
Cleveland's old house.
Perfect!
57
00:02:20,503 --> 00:02:22,404
Damn, no toilet paper.
58
00:02:23,472 --> 00:02:24,906
Hey, Joe, can I borrow this?
59
00:02:24,974 --> 00:02:26,274
Sure.
60
00:02:32,748 --> 00:02:34,215
Peter, where have you been?
61
00:02:34,283 --> 00:02:36,684
Oh, let's just say I've been
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00:02:36,752 --> 00:02:38,286
at Cleveland's empty house
taking a dump.
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00:02:38,354 --> 00:02:39,954
Ugh! That's disgusting!
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00:02:40,022 --> 00:02:42,857
I will be taking all of
my movements there from now on.
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00:02:42,925 --> 00:02:45,493
All of 'em!
Brrreeee-ha-ha!
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00:02:45,561 --> 00:02:50,265
♪ Let's get loud,
let's get loud. ♪
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00:02:50,332 --> 00:02:51,699
♪ Turn the music up,
let's do it. ♪
68
00:02:51,767 --> 00:02:54,669
♪ Come on, people,
let's get loud. ♪
69
00:02:54,737 --> 00:02:56,938
♪ Let's get loud. ♪
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00:02:57,006 --> 00:03:00,775
♪ Turn the music up,
don't you hear that sound? ♪
71
00:03:00,843 --> 00:03:02,010
♪ Let's get loud. ♪
72
00:03:05,781 --> 00:03:08,416
Peter,
your breakfast is ready.
73
00:03:08,484 --> 00:03:09,984
Hang on.
I'll be right back, Lois.
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00:03:10,052 --> 00:03:11,820
I'm just going across the street.
75
00:03:11,887 --> 00:03:13,588
Peter, you can't keep
using Cleveland's bathroom.
76
00:03:13,656 --> 00:03:15,256
Oh, my God!
Yes, I can!
77
00:03:15,324 --> 00:03:17,292
Cleveland's bathroom
is the greatest discovery
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00:03:17,359 --> 00:03:19,360
since fat women
discovered Diet Coke.
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00:03:21,197 --> 00:03:22,931
Now I can eat anything!
80
00:03:27,336 --> 00:03:29,237
Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no!
What are you doing?!
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00:03:29,305 --> 00:03:30,338
That's my bathroom!
82
00:03:30,406 --> 00:03:31,372
What are you talking about?
83
00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:32,941
We just rented this place.
84
00:03:33,008 --> 00:03:36,478
Holy crap!
Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase!
85
00:03:36,545 --> 00:03:38,413
What the hell are you guys
doing in Quahog?
86
00:03:38,481 --> 00:03:40,782
Oh, we're just doing
research for a movie.
87
00:03:40,850 --> 00:03:42,350
Oh, my God,
that's amazing!
88
00:03:42,418 --> 00:03:43,818
Listen, I gotta tell you guys,
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00:03:43,886 --> 00:03:45,987
I've watched all your movies,
like, a thousand times.
90
00:03:46,055 --> 00:03:47,255
You saw Cops and Robbersons?
91
00:03:47,323 --> 00:03:48,957
And My Stepmother is an Alien?
92
00:03:49,024 --> 00:03:51,826
Almost all of 'em. Boy, I sure would
love it if you guys would come
93
00:03:51,894 --> 00:03:52,994
to our house
for dinner tonight.
94
00:03:53,062 --> 00:03:53,962
My wife's cooking sucks,
95
00:03:54,029 --> 00:03:55,763
but I just want to look at ya.
96
00:03:55,831 --> 00:03:57,298
- You like meatloaf?
- Uh, yeah, sure.
97
00:03:57,366 --> 00:03:58,900
All right,
see you at 8:00.
98
00:03:58,968 --> 00:04:00,835
Oh, man I can't believe
I'm gonna have dinner
99
00:04:00,903 --> 00:04:02,237
with two of the three amigos.
100
00:04:02,304 --> 00:04:04,038
This is gonna be way better
101
00:04:04,106 --> 00:04:06,474
than when we had that Victorian
girl ghost over for dinner.
102
00:04:07,643 --> 00:04:10,044
My governess
drowned me in a well.
103
00:04:10,112 --> 00:04:12,947
You are a horrible dinner guest.
104
00:04:17,953 --> 00:04:19,354
Can you believe it?
105
00:04:19,421 --> 00:04:21,389
We're eating with two
of the three Ghostbusters.
106
00:04:21,457 --> 00:04:23,024
Actually,
I wasn't in that.
107
00:04:23,092 --> 00:04:25,193
Look at these guys,
they can't take a compliment.
108
00:04:25,261 --> 00:04:26,895
You know, you guys are funny,
109
00:04:26,962 --> 00:04:28,897
but, uh,
I got a confession to make.
110
00:04:28,964 --> 00:04:30,632
I'm a pretty funny guy myself.
111
00:04:30,699 --> 00:04:33,401
Maybe I say a few things here,
maybe I get a few laughs.
112
00:04:33,469 --> 00:04:35,537
Maybe you guys put me
in one of your pictures.
113
00:04:35,604 --> 00:04:38,072
Uh, well, uh, yeah,
I suppose it's possible.
114
00:04:38,140 --> 00:04:40,008
Yeah, we got all kinds
of roles available.
115
00:04:40,075 --> 00:04:41,042
Speaking roles,
background roles.
116
00:04:41,110 --> 00:04:42,510
Background would be
good for you.
117
00:04:42,578 --> 00:04:43,878
Ooh, yeah.
Speaking role or background role.
118
00:04:43,946 --> 00:04:45,079
Either one would be good.
119
00:04:45,147 --> 00:04:46,681
You know,
I'm really good at sight gags.
120
00:04:46,749 --> 00:04:49,250
Oh, I didn't mean to do that.
121
00:04:49,318 --> 00:04:51,319
Now it's everywhere!
122
00:04:51,387 --> 00:04:52,887
That's comedy.
123
00:04:54,490 --> 00:04:56,391
Peter, what the hell is wrong with you?
That's not funny.
124
00:04:56,458 --> 00:04:58,026
Oh, well,
interesting opinion, Lois.
125
00:04:58,093 --> 00:05:00,194
Gee, I wonder if there's
anyone else at this table
126
00:05:00,262 --> 00:05:01,296
who's maybe more qualified
127
00:05:01,363 --> 00:05:02,797
to say what's funny
than you are?
128
00:05:02,865 --> 00:05:04,933
Well, we'd need to see
a little bit more,
129
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,135
but, uh...
is that the time?
130
00:05:07,202 --> 00:05:09,270
I can't believe that's the time.
It's late.
131
00:05:09,338 --> 00:05:11,406
I don't understand.
You're not wearing a watch.
132
00:05:11,473 --> 00:05:13,908
You see,
that's sort of a joke, Peter.
133
00:05:13,976 --> 00:05:16,077
Oh. Well,
that's not that funny.
134
00:05:16,145 --> 00:05:17,645
It's kind of funny,
you know.
135
00:05:17,713 --> 00:05:18,846
No, it's not funny.
136
00:05:18,914 --> 00:05:20,214
See, if you had said
something like,
137
00:05:20,282 --> 00:05:21,482
"Oh, it's half past
a freckle."
138
00:05:22,952 --> 00:05:25,853
Oh, you know,
I'm thinking of the three of you.
139
00:05:25,921 --> 00:05:27,689
I'm... I'm thinking this guy...
140
00:05:27,756 --> 00:05:29,390
Let me show you
something that's funny.
141
00:05:29,458 --> 00:05:30,892
Okay, here's an impression
of John Wayne
142
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,427
on the first Thanksgiving.
143
00:05:32,494 --> 00:05:33,761
I'm John Wayne
144
00:05:33,829 --> 00:05:36,364
at the first
Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
145
00:05:36,432 --> 00:05:38,833
Happy Thanksgiving,
pilgrims.
146
00:05:40,369 --> 00:05:41,869
Where's this guy been?
147
00:05:41,937 --> 00:05:43,838
Well, Mr. Griffin,
this has been a lot of fun.
148
00:05:43,906 --> 00:05:46,474
- A lot of fun.
- But we gotta get back over to our place
149
00:05:46,542 --> 00:05:49,010
and, uh, kinda do, uh...
What do we have to do?
150
00:05:49,078 --> 00:05:50,445
Roll some joints and get high.
151
00:05:50,512 --> 00:05:51,879
Yeah, we gotta do those things.
152
00:05:51,947 --> 00:05:53,014
That's not funny.
153
00:05:53,082 --> 00:05:54,949
Drugs aren't funny.
They ruin lives.
154
00:05:55,017 --> 00:05:55,950
Amen.
155
00:05:56,018 --> 00:05:56,985
No, Peter,
156
00:05:57,052 --> 00:05:58,086
you're not funny.
157
00:05:58,153 --> 00:05:58,820
I'm afraid Dan's right.
158
00:05:58,887 --> 00:05:59,754
You're not funny at all.
159
00:05:59,822 --> 00:06:01,089
I don't get it.
160
00:06:01,156 --> 00:06:02,624
You're painfully unfunny.
161
00:06:02,691 --> 00:06:05,593
Get the (bleep)
out of my house!
162
00:06:09,098 --> 00:06:11,032
Hey, Stewie,
can I talk to you for a sec?
163
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:12,133
Look, Brian, I've colored
164
00:06:12,201 --> 00:06:13,668
Sebastian the Crab blue.
165
00:06:13,736 --> 00:06:15,837
If that isn't a middle
finger to society,
166
00:06:15,904 --> 00:06:17,505
I don't know what is.
167
00:06:17,573 --> 00:06:19,207
Ew, I don't like it anymore.
168
00:06:19,274 --> 00:06:21,242
I wish I had colored him red.
169
00:06:21,310 --> 00:06:22,844
Do you think it's a little odd
170
00:06:22,911 --> 00:06:24,779
that Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd
have moved
171
00:06:24,847 --> 00:06:25,713
into Quahog together?
172
00:06:25,781 --> 00:06:27,248
I mean...
Why here, why now?
173
00:06:27,316 --> 00:06:28,383
I don't know.
174
00:06:28,450 --> 00:06:30,018
Maybe we go over
there and find out.
175
00:06:30,085 --> 00:06:31,219
Maybe we do.
176
00:06:31,286 --> 00:06:32,587
Hey. Hi, there.
177
00:06:32,655 --> 00:06:36,224
Uh, can you guys tell Meg
I'm seeing someone?
178
00:06:38,761 --> 00:06:39,827
You see anything?
179
00:06:39,895 --> 00:06:41,329
Doesn't look like
anybody's home.
180
00:06:44,533 --> 00:06:47,535
Won't you gentleman
have a Pepsi?
181
00:06:56,478 --> 00:06:58,079
What do we do?
182
00:06:58,147 --> 00:07:01,616
"Won't you gentleman
have a Pepsi?"
183
00:07:10,893 --> 00:07:13,494
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
184
00:07:13,562 --> 00:07:15,229
Yell, yell, yell,
yell, yell, yell.
185
00:07:23,172 --> 00:07:24,772
What the...?
186
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:26,507
What the hell is this place?
187
00:07:26,575 --> 00:07:28,142
Welcome to D.U.M.P.
188
00:07:28,210 --> 00:07:30,411
Deep Underground
Military Protection Facility.
189
00:07:30,479 --> 00:07:31,913
Wouldn't that be
D.U.M.P.F.?
190
00:07:31,980 --> 00:07:33,648
The "f" is silent,
like in "knife."
191
00:07:33,716 --> 00:07:35,817
We're actually working
for the federal government
192
00:07:35,884 --> 00:07:37,151
and we need your help.
193
00:07:37,219 --> 00:07:39,020
Do you want to be spies like us?
194
00:07:39,088 --> 00:07:40,354
Can we be spies like them?
195
00:07:40,422 --> 00:07:43,057
We've actually resolved
our differences.
196
00:07:48,236 --> 00:07:49,603
Wait a minute,
I don't understand.
197
00:07:49,671 --> 00:07:51,605
What do you mean you guys
work for the government?
198
00:07:51,673 --> 00:07:53,174
Well, Brian,
it turns out Spies Like Us
199
00:07:53,241 --> 00:07:55,242
was Ronald Reagan's
favorite movie.
200
00:07:55,310 --> 00:07:57,111
So he actually appointed us
honorary spies
201
00:07:57,179 --> 00:07:58,712
back in the '80s.
202
00:07:58,780 --> 00:08:00,614
That still doesn't explain
what you're doing here.
203
00:08:00,682 --> 00:08:02,416
You see, Brian,
during the Cold War
204
00:08:02,484 --> 00:08:04,952
the Soviet Union brainwashed
dozens of American civilians,
205
00:08:05,020 --> 00:08:06,387
effectively making them
sleeper agents
206
00:08:06,454 --> 00:08:08,088
who could be activated
at any time
207
00:08:08,156 --> 00:08:09,590
to do the work of the KGB.
208
00:08:09,658 --> 00:08:10,624
Activated how?
209
00:08:10,692 --> 00:08:12,326
The agents could be activated
210
00:08:12,394 --> 00:08:14,028
by uttering
a predetermined phrase.
211
00:08:14,095 --> 00:08:15,996
At which point,
they would snap into a trance
212
00:08:16,064 --> 00:08:18,132
and mindlessly carry out
whatever orders they were given
213
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:19,833
by their KGB handlers.
214
00:08:19,901 --> 00:08:21,936
Well, I mean,
what if they encountered somebody
215
00:08:22,003 --> 00:08:22,937
who said the phrase accidentally?
216
00:08:23,004 --> 00:08:24,004
Not possible.
217
00:08:24,072 --> 00:08:25,506
The activation phrase
was something
218
00:08:25,574 --> 00:08:27,641
- that no one would ever think to utter.
- What is it?
219
00:08:27,709 --> 00:08:30,811
The phrase is, "Gosh,
that Italian family at the next table
220
00:08:30,879 --> 00:08:32,446
sure is quiet."
221
00:08:32,514 --> 00:08:33,714
You see,
the U.S. government
222
00:08:33,782 --> 00:08:35,115
believes that one of these
sleeper agents
223
00:08:35,183 --> 00:08:36,417
is right here in Quahog.
224
00:08:36,484 --> 00:08:38,786
Now you two...
individuals live here.
225
00:08:38,853 --> 00:08:40,221
Are there any local residents
226
00:08:40,288 --> 00:08:41,488
whom you've seen
acting strangely?
227
00:08:41,556 --> 00:08:42,890
Well, there's a pedophile
up the street
228
00:08:42,958 --> 00:08:44,725
that nobody seems to be
doing anything about,
229
00:08:44,793 --> 00:08:46,227
but it's mainly because
he's so funny.
230
00:08:46,294 --> 00:08:48,896
Well, look, we'd be happy
to help in any way we can.
231
00:08:48,964 --> 00:08:50,598
Hey, is Ron Howard's
weird-looking brother
232
00:08:50,665 --> 00:08:52,099
one of these lab technicians?
233
00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:54,001
Of course he is.
It's an '80s movie.
234
00:08:54,069 --> 00:08:56,303
Hey, there's something
on the screen.
235
00:08:59,708 --> 00:09:01,675
And those two bums
turned to me
236
00:09:01,743 --> 00:09:03,043
and said,
"You're not funny, Peter."
237
00:09:03,111 --> 00:09:03,877
In my own house.
238
00:09:03,945 --> 00:09:04,979
Well, what was the bit?
239
00:09:05,046 --> 00:09:06,747
Okay, ready?
240
00:09:06,815 --> 00:09:10,384
I'm John Wayne at the first
Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
241
00:09:10,452 --> 00:09:12,786
Happy Thanksgiving,
pilgrims.
242
00:09:14,389 --> 00:09:16,457
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
243
00:09:16,524 --> 00:09:18,025
Oh, my God,
Peter, I'll tell ya...
244
00:09:18,093 --> 00:09:20,294
and I'm your friend
and I'll be honest with you...
245
00:09:20,362 --> 00:09:21,662
that's funny.
That is funny.
246
00:09:21,730 --> 00:09:24,265
You know what I appreciate
about your joke, Peter?
247
00:09:24,332 --> 00:09:26,233
It's clean... it's clean funny.
248
00:09:26,301 --> 00:09:27,701
I just wish there was some way
249
00:09:27,769 --> 00:09:29,236
I could show them
how wrong they are.
250
00:09:29,304 --> 00:09:30,904
Show 'em that we know comedy
better than they do.
251
00:09:30,972 --> 00:09:32,406
Hey, I got an idea.
252
00:09:32,474 --> 00:09:34,708
What's the most consistently
funny form of comedy
253
00:09:34,776 --> 00:09:36,810
in existence?
254
00:09:36,878 --> 00:09:38,545
- Improv?
- Improv!
255
00:09:38,613 --> 00:09:39,913
- Improv.
- Improv.
256
00:09:39,981 --> 00:09:40,948
Improv.
257
00:09:41,016 --> 00:09:42,316
Improv!
258
00:09:42,384 --> 00:09:44,285
We'll start our
own improv group
259
00:09:44,352 --> 00:09:46,120
- and put on a show.
- All right!
260
00:09:49,324 --> 00:09:51,759
Thank you for seeing us on
such short notice, Mayor West.
261
00:09:51,826 --> 00:09:53,594
No problem, gentlemen.
262
00:09:53,662 --> 00:09:55,963
- May I call you gentlemen?
- Yeah.
263
00:09:56,031 --> 00:09:59,433
Now you say this spy is
located somewhere in Quahog?
264
00:09:59,501 --> 00:10:01,502
That's right. We need you
to set up some roadblocks
265
00:10:01,569 --> 00:10:02,670
to help us contain him.
266
00:10:02,737 --> 00:10:04,071
Do you have any clues
267
00:10:04,139 --> 00:10:05,973
regarding the identity of the spy?
268
00:10:06,041 --> 00:10:07,441
It's a little tricky, sir.
269
00:10:07,509 --> 00:10:08,876
See, the operative is
completely unaware
270
00:10:08,943 --> 00:10:10,210
that he's been programmed.
271
00:10:10,278 --> 00:10:11,645
And the only way
to activate him
272
00:10:11,713 --> 00:10:13,981
and discover his identity
is by saying the phrase,
273
00:10:14,049 --> 00:10:17,318
"Gosh, that Italian family at
the next table sure is quiet."
274
00:10:22,123 --> 00:10:22,990
It's him!
275
00:10:43,545 --> 00:10:45,846
I haven't been this...
276
00:10:45,914 --> 00:10:47,681
Since I...
277
00:10:50,952 --> 00:10:52,519
I... I don't...
278
00:10:52,587 --> 00:10:54,855
I don't really know
what I'm supposed to be doing.
279
00:10:54,923 --> 00:10:57,057
Uh, but...
280
00:10:57,125 --> 00:10:59,493
Oh, there's track star
Wilma Rudolph.
281
00:10:59,561 --> 00:11:01,562
Obviously she had something
to do with the gag,
282
00:11:01,629 --> 00:11:04,064
but I didn't hear the setup,
283
00:11:04,132 --> 00:11:06,433
so I don't really know
the context.
284
00:11:06,501 --> 00:11:08,302
Hey, I wonder what
Peter's up to?
285
00:11:11,539 --> 00:11:14,074
Okay, so we gotta come up with
a name for our improv group.
286
00:11:14,142 --> 00:11:15,175
Anybody got anything?
287
00:11:15,243 --> 00:11:16,243
- Um...
- Um...
288
00:11:16,311 --> 00:11:18,112
How about
"The Joke Ridge Boys"?
289
00:11:18,179 --> 00:11:19,346
Eh. Not bad.
290
00:11:19,414 --> 00:11:21,115
Wait, how about
"Funny Side Up"?
291
00:11:21,182 --> 00:11:23,250
No, no, no, guys, guys,
we've got the name.
292
00:11:23,318 --> 00:11:26,720
It's "Impravda:
The Truth is Ad-Libbed."
293
00:11:26,788 --> 00:11:29,289
What about
"Deliveries in Rear"?
294
00:11:29,357 --> 00:11:31,024
Oh, yes!
295
00:11:31,092 --> 00:11:33,894
No, no, you can't just jam
jokes in for no reason.
296
00:11:33,962 --> 00:11:35,763
It has to be organic
to the situation.
297
00:11:35,830 --> 00:11:38,165
What the hell you being
so friggin' comedy Hitler about?
298
00:11:38,233 --> 00:11:40,534
I was in three improv groups
in college, Peter.
299
00:11:40,602 --> 00:11:43,203
I was in "Improvidence,"
I was in the "Wackadamia Nuts,"
300
00:11:43,271 --> 00:11:44,538
and I know I'm dating
myself here,
301
00:11:44,606 --> 00:11:45,672
but "Three Smile Island."
302
00:11:45,740 --> 00:11:47,141
My point being
303
00:11:47,208 --> 00:11:49,343
that I am the only experienced
member of this group.
304
00:11:49,411 --> 00:11:51,712
I can already tell
this is not going to be fun.
305
00:12:03,391 --> 00:12:05,058
How do we know
where to start looking?
306
00:12:05,126 --> 00:12:06,927
The tracking beacon I shot
into Mayor West's ankle
307
00:12:06,995 --> 00:12:08,162
will allow us to locate him.
308
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:15,135
Wow, those are
the Russian people?
309
00:12:17,372 --> 00:12:19,540
I mean, granted, you do
think of bears on unicycles
310
00:12:19,607 --> 00:12:21,275
when you think of
the Russian people,
311
00:12:21,342 --> 00:12:23,377
but they're all
bears on unicycles?
312
00:12:23,445 --> 00:12:24,545
Bears on unicycles,
every one.
313
00:12:24,612 --> 00:12:26,079
So what do we do now?
314
00:12:26,147 --> 00:12:28,182
We're undercover U.S. agents
in a hostile foreign territory.
315
00:12:28,249 --> 00:12:30,150
We've just gotta make sure
we don't do anything
316
00:12:30,218 --> 00:12:31,385
that makes us stick out.
317
00:12:31,453 --> 00:12:33,987
Hey! They're not
bears on unicycles!
318
00:12:35,557 --> 00:12:37,291
You are under arrest.
319
00:12:37,358 --> 00:12:38,725
Oop.
Time to lose this costume.
320
00:12:40,962 --> 00:12:42,529
'Cause we're in Russia!
321
00:12:50,648 --> 00:12:54,250
Here are the American spies
we captured, Mr. Prime Minister.
322
00:13:12,203 --> 00:13:14,138
Well, he was "Putin" us on, huh?
323
00:13:14,205 --> 00:13:15,439
Right?
324
00:13:15,507 --> 00:13:16,807
What do you think of that?
325
00:13:16,875 --> 00:13:18,041
Chevy, right?
326
00:13:18,109 --> 00:13:19,376
That would have passed for funny
327
00:13:19,444 --> 00:13:20,744
in one of your movies, right?
328
00:13:20,812 --> 00:13:22,212
Okay, movin' on.
329
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,515
Gentlemen,
let me put your minds at ease.
330
00:13:24,582 --> 00:13:27,684
I know why you are here,
and I mean to help you.
331
00:13:27,752 --> 00:13:29,386
Oh...
332
00:13:29,454 --> 00:13:30,954
Well, terrific.
333
00:13:31,022 --> 00:13:34,625
The truth is, the reactivation
of a Cold War sleeper spy
334
00:13:34,692 --> 00:13:36,693
would be an embarrassment
to my government.
335
00:13:36,761 --> 00:13:38,495
On the scale of our 1981
336
00:13:38,563 --> 00:13:40,998
failed Czechoslovakian
Occupation Outpost
337
00:13:41,065 --> 00:13:43,367
which was penetrated
by Bill Murray, Harold Ramis
338
00:13:43,434 --> 00:13:45,536
and their ragtag band
of misfit soldiers
339
00:13:45,603 --> 00:13:47,104
who didn't even graduate.
340
00:13:47,172 --> 00:13:49,106
They slept through
the graduation ceremony
341
00:13:49,174 --> 00:13:51,375
and somehow managed
to come out of the manhole
342
00:13:51,442 --> 00:13:53,310
wearing clean pressed suit,
as you say.
343
00:13:53,378 --> 00:13:55,279
So the long and the veiny of it is
344
00:13:55,346 --> 00:13:56,580
you're gonna help us out, right?
345
00:13:56,648 --> 00:13:58,482
I will provide you
with transportation,
346
00:13:58,550 --> 00:14:00,651
passports, food, supplies,
347
00:14:00,718 --> 00:14:02,886
everything from
a to backwards r.
348
00:14:02,954 --> 00:14:05,522
Wow, thank you so much
for your help, Mr. Putin.
349
00:14:05,590 --> 00:14:07,691
Would you like to see
Russian cutaway gag?
350
00:14:07,759 --> 00:14:10,160
Yeah, sure.
Here is Russian cutaway gag.
351
00:14:23,808 --> 00:14:25,742
Where the hell is Quagmire?
352
00:14:25,810 --> 00:14:26,877
I don't know.
353
00:14:26,945 --> 00:14:28,278
He said improv rehearsal
at 7:00, right?
354
00:14:28,346 --> 00:14:29,513
Yeah, where is Quagmire?
355
00:14:29,581 --> 00:14:30,581
I haven't
seen him all day.
356
00:14:30,648 --> 00:14:31,648
Oh, you know what?
357
00:14:31,716 --> 00:14:33,317
I think he went
down to the bank.
358
00:14:33,384 --> 00:14:34,985
What was that?
What'd you hit me for?
359
00:14:35,053 --> 00:14:36,320
I'm passing
the story on to you.
360
00:14:36,387 --> 00:14:37,855
Keep it going,
keep the story going.
361
00:14:37,922 --> 00:14:39,122
- Huh?
- What's Quagmire doing at the bank?
362
00:14:39,190 --> 00:14:40,257
It's improv, Peter.
You don't think,
363
00:14:40,325 --> 00:14:41,358
you don't think,
you don't think.
364
00:14:41,426 --> 00:14:42,593
You just keep talking.
You don't think.
365
00:14:42,660 --> 00:14:43,994
Don't think, don't think.
What comes to mind?
366
00:14:44,062 --> 00:14:45,262
- Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk!
- Oh, I get it!
367
00:14:45,330 --> 00:14:46,964
Tap me,
Quagmire, tap me!
368
00:14:47,031 --> 00:14:48,966
Quagmire went to the
bank to donate sperm,
369
00:14:49,033 --> 00:14:50,000
because it's
a sperm bank.
370
00:14:50,068 --> 00:14:51,335
Yes! There you go.
371
00:14:51,402 --> 00:14:52,836
He's moving it forward,
he's moving it forward.
372
00:14:52,904 --> 00:14:54,771
See, Peter?
Now tap Peter.
373
00:14:54,839 --> 00:14:56,440
Hey, pilgrims.
374
00:14:56,507 --> 00:14:58,909
Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
375
00:14:58,977 --> 00:15:00,410
It's me, John Wayne.
376
00:15:00,478 --> 00:15:01,678
Oh, no.
All right, you know what?
377
00:15:01,746 --> 00:15:02,913
You're not loosened up yet.
378
00:15:02,981 --> 00:15:04,848
All right, l... let's do
some warm-up exercises.
379
00:15:04,916 --> 00:15:06,783
Okay, this is one we call
"Going Bananas."
380
00:15:06,851 --> 00:15:08,018
Okay.
381
00:15:08,086 --> 00:15:10,988
♪ I'm a banana,
I'm a banana. ♪
382
00:15:11,055 --> 00:15:13,924
♪ Peel the banana,
peel the banana. ♪
383
00:15:13,992 --> 00:15:17,227
♪ Now go bananas,
go, go bananas. ♪
384
00:15:17,295 --> 00:15:19,363
Gah...!
385
00:15:19,430 --> 00:15:21,365
Whoa! Come on, you guys,
do it with me!
386
00:15:21,432 --> 00:15:22,766
Go bananas! Yeah!
387
00:15:22,834 --> 00:15:25,435
Wah...!
388
00:15:25,503 --> 00:15:26,904
Whole body, Joe,
whole body!
389
00:15:27,939 --> 00:15:29,973
Come on, go bananas!
390
00:15:30,041 --> 00:15:31,909
Am I doing it?!
Am I doing it?!
391
00:15:31,976 --> 00:15:33,343
(bleep) the matter
with you guys?
392
00:15:33,411 --> 00:15:34,745
All right,
let's try something else.
393
00:15:34,812 --> 00:15:37,614
Okay, this is a warm-up exercise
called "One Word Story."
394
00:15:37,682 --> 00:15:39,816
Now, I start a story
with one word
395
00:15:39,884 --> 00:15:42,419
and then you each continue
with one word at a time.
396
00:15:42,487 --> 00:15:43,620
- Okay, ready?
- Yeah, yeah.
397
00:15:43,688 --> 00:15:45,055
I'm into this now.
Okay.
398
00:15:45,123 --> 00:15:46,056
The.
399
00:15:46,124 --> 00:15:47,057
Dog.
400
00:15:47,125 --> 00:15:48,058
And.
401
00:15:48,126 --> 00:15:49,059
My.
402
00:15:49,127 --> 00:15:50,060
Mom.
403
00:15:50,128 --> 00:15:51,061
And.
404
00:15:51,129 --> 00:15:52,062
This.
405
00:15:52,130 --> 00:15:53,130
Handkerchief.
406
00:15:53,197 --> 00:15:54,264
And.
407
00:15:54,332 --> 00:15:55,832
Twenty.
Birds.
408
00:15:55,900 --> 00:15:57,167
- And.
- Peter!
409
00:15:57,235 --> 00:15:58,235
- Geez!
- And.
410
00:15:58,303 --> 00:15:59,469
Peter, hang on a sec.
411
00:15:59,537 --> 00:16:00,437
You're not contributing.
412
00:16:00,505 --> 00:16:01,471
I'm doing it.
413
00:16:01,539 --> 00:16:02,839
You're not
adding information.
414
00:16:02,907 --> 00:16:04,174
Well, one of you guys says
"Thanksgiving,"
415
00:16:04,242 --> 00:16:05,976
I got a good idea
where to go with it.
416
00:16:06,044 --> 00:16:08,078
Okay, Peter,
let's try something different.
417
00:16:08,146 --> 00:16:10,180
Okay, close your eyes.
418
00:16:10,248 --> 00:16:12,382
- What's the first thing you see?
- Uh...
419
00:16:12,450 --> 00:16:14,418
- Don't think, just say it. First thing.
- Pelican.
420
00:16:14,485 --> 00:16:15,419
Okay, what's he doing?
421
00:16:15,486 --> 00:16:16,820
He's complaining about
422
00:16:16,888 --> 00:16:18,088
some undercooked food.
423
00:16:18,156 --> 00:16:19,089
Who's he complaining to?
424
00:16:19,157 --> 00:16:21,091
A snooty French waiter.
425
00:16:21,159 --> 00:16:23,260
Who's really mean
to his customers.
426
00:16:23,328 --> 00:16:25,462
But then when he goes home,
his own life's sad,
427
00:16:25,530 --> 00:16:27,197
'cause his girlfriend's
mean to him
428
00:16:27,265 --> 00:16:29,166
and his apartment
isn't so very nice.
429
00:16:29,233 --> 00:16:31,034
And he's always
running out of paper towels.
430
00:16:34,572 --> 00:16:35,572
I saw it.
431
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:36,773
I seen it, Quagmire.
432
00:16:36,841 --> 00:16:38,642
I was there, in the apartment.
433
00:16:38,710 --> 00:16:40,277
We're ready.
434
00:16:43,548 --> 00:16:45,382
If these signatures
are correct,
435
00:16:45,450 --> 00:16:47,818
Mayor West is located one-third
of a kilometer that way.
436
00:16:47,885 --> 00:16:49,152
Just over this rise.
437
00:16:49,220 --> 00:16:50,420
Yeah, that's what
you told us
438
00:16:50,488 --> 00:16:52,389
a third of a kilometer ago,
you douche.
439
00:16:52,457 --> 00:16:53,790
Perhaps you'd like
to do something
440
00:16:53,858 --> 00:16:56,193
besides criticizing me
and quoting my movies.
441
00:16:56,260 --> 00:16:58,829
You just
watch your mouth, mister.
442
00:16:58,896 --> 00:17:00,697
Look!
443
00:17:17,248 --> 00:17:19,216
Anyway,
I'd be happy to help you
444
00:17:19,283 --> 00:17:21,218
conduct a search
of Quahog and find...
445
00:17:21,285 --> 00:17:22,252
What the hell?
446
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:23,653
Where am I?
447
00:17:23,721 --> 00:17:26,456
I didn't just bite into a
York Peppermint Patty, did I?
448
00:17:26,524 --> 00:17:27,891
Mayor West,
you're in Russia.
449
00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:29,359
You've just launched
a nuclear missile
450
00:17:29,427 --> 00:17:30,594
against the United States.
451
00:17:30,661 --> 00:17:32,896
Well, this day
has taken a bad turn.
452
00:17:32,964 --> 00:17:34,898
Like Mike Brady's
first marriage.
453
00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:36,666
Here's your beer, honey.
454
00:17:38,870 --> 00:17:42,272
Huh. I don't remember
asking for a warm beer.
455
00:17:42,340 --> 00:17:43,673
Well, I didn't want
to quit working!
456
00:17:43,741 --> 00:17:44,741
You made me!
457
00:17:44,809 --> 00:17:46,943
You don't talk to me
that way!
458
00:17:49,647 --> 00:17:52,182
Alice, what did you see?
459
00:17:52,250 --> 00:17:53,917
Enough to know I'm
getting a raise.
460
00:18:03,194 --> 00:18:04,561
What the...?
461
00:18:04,629 --> 00:18:06,763
Oh, man, we're supposed
to do a show tonight.
462
00:18:06,831 --> 00:18:07,931
Where's the audience?
463
00:18:07,999 --> 00:18:09,332
I don't see them anywhere.
464
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:10,767
If only they could
make some noise
465
00:18:10,835 --> 00:18:12,102
to let me know they're here.
466
00:18:12,170 --> 00:18:13,036
We're here!
467
00:18:13,104 --> 00:18:14,337
Oh, there you are!
468
00:18:14,405 --> 00:18:15,472
Oh, thank God.
469
00:18:15,540 --> 00:18:16,940
Well, we're
"Room for Improv-ment."
470
00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:18,975
So, without further ado,
I need a place.
471
00:18:19,043 --> 00:18:20,277
Your ass!
472
00:18:20,344 --> 00:18:21,411
Okay, come on now.
473
00:18:21,479 --> 00:18:22,479
Something serious.
474
00:18:22,547 --> 00:18:23,713
Your mom's ass!
475
00:18:23,781 --> 00:18:25,315
Hey, let's get that guy
out of here, huh?
476
00:18:25,383 --> 00:18:26,550
Okay, a real place.
477
00:18:26,617 --> 00:18:28,819
Goldman's Pharmacy
on Third and Maple.
478
00:18:28,886 --> 00:18:29,886
Give him the hours.
479
00:18:29,954 --> 00:18:31,288
8:00 A.M. to...
480
00:18:31,355 --> 00:18:32,823
Okay, I heard "pharmacy."
Who's in the pharmacy?
481
00:18:32,890 --> 00:18:34,357
John Wayne.
482
00:18:34,425 --> 00:18:36,159
What the... Peter, you're not
supposed to be in the audience!
483
00:18:36,227 --> 00:18:38,762
Get the hell up on stage!
484
00:18:38,830 --> 00:18:39,896
All right.
485
00:18:39,964 --> 00:18:41,198
Hey, there, sir,
welcome to my pharmacy.
486
00:18:41,265 --> 00:18:42,532
Can I help you?
487
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,835
Here's John Wayne at
the first Thanksgiving.
488
00:18:44,902 --> 00:18:47,437
Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
489
00:18:49,340 --> 00:18:50,841
Ah, you like that?
490
00:18:50,908 --> 00:18:53,543
Okay, here's John Wayne Bobbitt
at the first Thanksgiving:
491
00:18:53,611 --> 00:18:56,246
Where's my penis,
pilgrims?
492
00:18:58,282 --> 00:19:01,218
And here's John Wayne Gacy
at the first Thanksgiving.
493
00:19:01,285 --> 00:19:05,222
I want to dress up like a clown
and have sex with children
494
00:19:05,289 --> 00:19:06,957
and kill them, pilgrims.
495
00:19:09,460 --> 00:19:11,361
Guys, I got to split.
496
00:19:11,429 --> 00:19:13,763
I took a wet duke.
497
00:19:13,831 --> 00:19:15,298
And.
498
00:19:15,366 --> 00:19:17,367
Okay, this is not something that
should ever have been attempted.
499
00:19:17,435 --> 00:19:18,902
Thank you very much.
Good night, everybody.
500
00:19:18,970 --> 00:19:20,437
Improv!
501
00:19:34,952 --> 00:19:37,754
I wish there was some way
I could have prevented this.
502
00:19:37,822 --> 00:19:39,122
It wasn't your fault, Mayor West.
503
00:19:39,190 --> 00:19:40,390
There's nothing
you could've done.
504
00:19:40,458 --> 00:19:42,459
To be honest,
I don't remember a thing.
505
00:19:42,527 --> 00:19:43,827
Except how much I love
506
00:19:43,895 --> 00:19:45,795
The Michael Jackson
"Thriller" video.
507
00:19:45,863 --> 00:19:48,064
Boy, could that guy dance!
508
00:19:48,132 --> 00:19:49,432
"Guy dance?"
509
00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:50,567
Guidance.
510
00:19:50,635 --> 00:19:52,335
Source programmable guidance.
511
00:19:52,403 --> 00:19:54,504
We can reprogram and disarm
the missile from here!
512
00:19:54,572 --> 00:19:55,672
From here?!
Well, our arms
513
00:19:55,740 --> 00:19:57,140
would have to be
40 feet long, Dan.
514
00:19:57,208 --> 00:19:58,341
No, yutz,
not from right here.
515
00:19:58,409 --> 00:19:59,676
We go over there and do it.
516
00:19:59,744 --> 00:20:00,644
Oh, right.
517
00:20:00,711 --> 00:20:02,212
Oh, come on, Chevy.
518
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:04,347
You should've known
what he was talking about.
519
00:20:04,415 --> 00:20:06,149
All I have to do is bypass
520
00:20:06,217 --> 00:20:07,951
the primary navigational
guidance circuits,
521
00:20:08,019 --> 00:20:10,220
deprogram the hardwired
safety overrides
522
00:20:10,288 --> 00:20:12,155
and reconfigure the motherboard
so that the missile's
523
00:20:12,223 --> 00:20:14,391
primary central processing unit
tells itself
524
00:20:14,458 --> 00:20:16,593
to eject its own warhead
while still
525
00:20:16,661 --> 00:20:18,295
safely above
the earth's atmosphere.
526
00:20:18,362 --> 00:20:20,130
Hey, Dan,
when this is all over,
527
00:20:20,198 --> 00:20:22,999
you may get a call asking you
to evaluate my performance.
528
00:20:23,067 --> 00:20:25,235
Can I count on you
to give me a ten?
529
00:20:25,303 --> 00:20:26,803
And that should do it.
530
00:20:38,916 --> 00:20:40,350
You did it, Dan!
531
00:20:40,418 --> 00:20:41,651
My God, you did it!
532
00:20:45,823 --> 00:20:47,257
Mission accomplished,
gentlemen.
533
00:20:47,325 --> 00:20:49,859
Warhead has been destroyed,
we've saved millions of lives.
534
00:20:49,927 --> 00:20:51,561
Let's just hope the
fuselage doesn't fall
535
00:20:51,629 --> 00:20:53,029
where it can cause
too much damage.
536
00:20:58,035 --> 00:21:00,904
No, no, no, no, no, no!
537
00:21:03,074 --> 00:21:04,674
I... I don't get it.
538
00:21:04,675 --> 00:21:09,675
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
539
00:21:10,639 --> 00:21:13,838
So what's the deal with Chris?
Is he actually, like, still in Africa?
540
00:21:13,863 --> 00:21:15,906
- No, no, he's not.
- So that was all...
541
00:21:15,929 --> 00:21:17,902
- That was just a bit.
- Yeah, he'll be back next week.
542
00:21:17,926 --> 00:21:18,630
Great.
543
00:21:18,750 --> 00:21:20,905
Boy, who would have thought
all this trouble could be caused
544
00:21:20,917 --> 00:21:22,385
simply by uttering the phrase
545
00:21:22,408 --> 00:21:25,778
"Gosh that Italian family
at the next table sure is quiet."
546
00:21:38,710 --> 00:21:41,105
Shut up, 2476.
39332
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