All language subtitles for 28 Days (2000)

GWEN: Ow!

Oh, God, it's a fire! Oh!

Fire!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh! A jackhammer?
On Saturday?

JASPER: He should
be castrated.

Saturday.

Sat... Oh, God. Oh, God,
it's Saturday.

Get up! Get up!

Get up, get up,
get up, get up!

(GRUNTS)
My sister's gonna kill me.

Oh, my God,
what did we do last night?

JASPER: Oh, the usual.

Collecting money for the poor
little homeless children
at the church bazaar.

I think the vicar must have
spiked the Kool-Aid.

Ah! We are way late!

What am I going to
tell my sister?

Is this yours or mine?

Oh, my God,
how did that happen?

-I haven't a clue.
-Ah, well, there's my excuse.

I'm late because
my tits caught on fire.

Come on!

(FAST-PACED
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Whoops.

Find a cab!
Taxi! Taxi!

JASPER: Hey, cab! Hey!
GWEN: Right there! Get him!
Get him!

JASPER: Hey! Over here!
GWEN: Can you go
a little faster, please?

Fast and alive.
Alive, all right?

Jesus.
The alive part is incredibly
important in this case.

Ooh.

You all right, darling?

-Oh, God. I could care less.
-Well, that's the whole point,
isn't it?

-Right, to care less.
-To care less.

Oh! Oh! Hey!

This is tasting like
cherry brandy, because
I haven't got her a gift.

-GWEN: Thank God for bar cars.
-(BOTH LAUGHING)

You're late!

Jasper, this is, uh...
A bridesmaid with,
uh, makeup and a dress.

Really late.
Like, 45 minutes.

She has absolutely no
sense of humor, but she's
really good at telling time.

I am so sorry. There was a
water main break and
the train got stuck in Rye.

A little electrical thingy,
you know, and just, explosion.

-You know, I don't know...
-Gwen.

Yeah?

You make it impossible
to love you.

Shit!

EMCEE: May we present
Mr. and Mrs.
Andrew Topton?

-Like one?
-Ooh. Ooh.

But didn't you think it was
a pretty wedding?

'Cause I thought it was a
really pretty wedding.

Didn't you think
it was a pretty wedding?

Yeah, but no one wants pretty
anymore from a wedding.

They want a scandal.
They want to
take home a story.

Oh. Try these.

Come on. This is a party.
Let's have some fun with it,
for God's sake.

Okay, hold on. Let me just...

Oh!

-Oh, my God!
-Oh, what happened?

-You!
-Oh, I'm...

Could you crank it up
a little?
Liven everything up.

-Yeah.
-Sure.

-Is there...
-There's a ladies' room...

BAND SINGER:
* Well it's Saturday night
and I just got paid

* Fool about my money
don't try to save

* Heart says go, go
have a time on Saturday night

* And I'm feeling fine
Gonna rock it up

* I'm gonna rip it up

Whoa! Whoa! Ow.

* Gonna fall in love

* Gonna rock it up
have a ball tonight *

GWEN: Whoo!

* Got me a date
and I won't be late

* Picked her up in my 88

* Shag on down
to the Union Hall
when the joint starts jumping

* Gonna rock it up
Gonna rip it up

* Gonna shake it up
gonna fall in love

(SLOW BEAT) * Gonna rock it up
have a hall tonight *

(GWEN AND JASPER LAUGHING)

Uh, don't worry.
I'll replace it. Okay?

I'll be right back.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, lady! Hey, lady,
what are you doing?

Cake store. Cake store.
Cake store.

(GWEN HUMMING)

(HORN HONKING)

-OPERATOR: This is Helga.
What city, please?
-Helga?

Yes, um, Bedford.
A cake store.

Lady, if I knew the name,
I wouldn't have called you,
okay?

I...

(HORN BLARING)

Ah! Ooh. Ooh...

Oh, God! Get out.

(DOG BARKING)

(POLICE SIRENS BLARING)

GWEN: Oh, this is perfect.

Later on this afternoon...

BETTY: All right, everybody.
Now, circle up.

That's it. Come on.

ALL: Together, we're better!
We're better, together!

No drugs!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

-Yeah, is it real?
-I need a cigarette.

-Hello?
-That judge totally
screwed me.

-Hey, good morning!
-GWEN: This place is horrible.

I should've picked that
rehab center in the city.

-People chant.
-They do what?

They chant here. They chant.

They think I'm chanting,
they have a whole
'nother think coming.

Well, come on,
it could be worse.
Could be prison.

Oh, that's worse?

Well, you know, you never hear
of anyone being raped with a
plunger in rehab.

Well, no,
you don't hear about it
because they cover it up.

-It's not funny!
-Yeah, it is...

Excuse me. Talking.

Uh, no cell phones.

Gwen C, I'm Betty.
Follow me.

We carry our own bags here.
This isn't the Sheraton.

Oh, glass.
In case I slit my wrists.
I get it.

An eyelash curler.

And what am I gonna do
with that? Stab myself?
Curl my tongue to death?

All right. Betty, was it?

Betty, while you're going
through my stuff,

let's say, uh, we see what
Betty's got in her drawers.

Oh, my God. Betty has
locked her drawers.
Why would...

What? It's for my back pain.

All these things
will be returned to you
when you check out.

Except for the Vicodin,
which will be flushed.

-Smile!
-It's "Vicodin".

(SHUTTER CLICKING)

No phone calls, except during
posted phone time and then
only for 10 minutes.

No fraternization.
That's romance and/or sex
between patients.

Oh, and we chant
here.

Don't be put off by it.
It's just some people prefer
it to the serenity prayer.

ALL:
* I'll be your friend

* I'll help you carry on

* For it won't be long

* Till I'm gonna need
somebody *

Your room.

You're responsible for
keeping it clean.

Andrea, this is Gwen.
Settle her in.

-Do you watch Santa Cruz?
-Pardon me?

Santa Cruz. It's my soap.

They only let us watch TV
at night, so I've missed,
like, the last two weeks.

Hey, an intellectual.

Like the stuff you were
doing to get you in here was
real brain food.

Everyone, uh, Parker House
people, this is Gwen.

-Gwen, this is everybody.
ALL: Hi. Hello, Gwen.

-Hey, Gwen.
-Hi.

I'm thinking booze.

-Cocaine.
-Painkillers.

-This is not a nice game.
-Well?

Well, what?

Oh, um, what's your drug of
choice?

Alcohol, cocaine, Percodan,
heroin, glue?

I have to pick just one?

Your gateway drug.
What you go for first.

I guess I drink.

-DANIEL: Oh!
-Yes. Come to Papa.

Hand them over.
I know people.
You gotta admit that.

Get your thumb
out of that one.

What's the matter?

Haven't you ever seen
a trach scar before?
Hmm?

It's a tracheostomy, okay?

It's not a growth.
It's not a deformity.
It's a scar.

So you can stop staring at it.

Okay, good. Thank you.

I don't think she was
staring, Daniel.

Oh? And how would you know,
faggot?

GWEN: Oh, jeez.

You're about as perceptive as
Helen Keller.

Actually, Danny-boy, when you
think about it, Helen Keller
was pretty perceptive.

Oh, shut up!

-Aw, look at him walk away!
-Bye-bye.

Run away! Run away!

* We were up in heaven

* Now we're in the mud

* We fell off the wagon
You should have
heard the thud *

-I like your coat.
-Thank you.

-Is that leather?
-Yes.

-Not vinyl?
-Nope.

-You believe
in killing animals?
-Yes.

-For clothing?
-Absolutely.

* -So do I.
-(SINGING) For
28 boring days *

Don't worry about Daniel.

He's just all self-conscious
about that neck thing 'cause
he did it to himself.

He had this thing at night
where he'd actually
pump his own stomach

so he wouldn't get a hangover.

I guess he knew how,
'cause, you know.
I mean he's a doctor. Or was.

He lost his license after
he killed that patient, but...

Anyway, guess one night while
he was scraping that tube
down to his stomach,

somehow he screwed up
and he couldn't breathe
and he had to actually

poke a hole in his throat
with a pen or something.

Oh, and Jasper, see if you can
dig up some more Vicodin
before you come.

The Gestapo found my first
batch.

That whole
here-but-not-here illusion

will be much easier
to sustain with
a little chemical help.

Love, Gwennie.

Good night.

Good night.

(SIGHS)

Chocolate. Heroin addict.

What are you, like,
12 or something?

Seventeen.

Okay. Loving this. Good night.

(WRETCHING)

MOM:
* Jeremiah was a bullfrog

* Jeremiah was a bullfrog

* Was a good friend of mine

* I never understood
a single word he said

* But I helped him
a-drink his wine

* And he always had
some mighty fine wine

* Singing joy to the world

You girls are a lot of fun.

And that's the most important
thing.

Because if you're not
having fun, peanuts...

What's the frigging point?

(DOOR OPENING)

Oh, God.

ALL: You can keep your drugs
and your whiskey sours.

We got us a
higher power!

Yay, God!

BETTY ON PA:
Don't forget tonight's lecture
at eight-thirty:

"How Many Brain Cells
Did I Kill Last Night?"

-Decaf.
-Yeah, there's no caffeine.
It's mood altering.

Hi.

There was a nice
little moment there.
Where you going?

What do you mean you
don't have cigarettes?
You gotta have cigarettes.

I'm sorry,
but we're fresh out.

Lady, the people out there are
addicts, okay? They need
cigarettes like they need air.

Well, I guess that
explains it, then.

Gum?

( HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN
PLAYING OVER PA)

It wasn't a problem

till, uh, Emmett...
He took up with that girl.

Those nights that he was
out with her,

and I was home with the TV.

See I figured we could see
it through.

So when he said he was
moving her in with us

and that I could
stay or leave...

I see now I should have left.

I've got something...

When you...

-Maybe later?
You wanna do it later?
-Sure. I think,

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Why did you...

It's okay. Can you...
Some feeling words in there,
or?

-Uh, you know?
-I...

-I don't know how
to explain it.
-Okay. All right.

Okay, well, that...
That's a good start.
It's a good start.

-We'll do it another
time. It's all right.
-Uh-huh.

Okay. So let's...
Let's finish up today
with a prayer, all right?

Let's all hold hands.

ALL:
God, grant me the serenity

to accept the
things I cannot change,

the courage to change
the things I can,

and the wisdom to know
the difference.

It works if you work it!

It's worth it!

-EVELYN: All right! All right.
-Yeah!

(CLAPPING)
EVELYN: Take on the day.
Go ahead.

B-minus.

Hey, Gwen C!

Your bed was not made up,
your clothes were
all over the place.

I'm giving you an F for
daily inspection and
fining you a dollar.

So pay up.

Tell you what.

Here's five dollars.
I don't plan on
cleaning all week.

Bitch.

Hey.

Hey.

-How you doing?
-Good.

Uh, look, I don't know how
much money I have in my,
uh bank account, but, uh,

it's all yours if I could just
bum one of those cigarettes.

Sure.

They're Reds.

Thank you.

Been here long?

Yeah.

So, what's the deal here

if somebody was looking for
something with a little more
kick than nicotine?

I mean, do people actually
get stuff here, or is it,
you know?

-It happens.
-Mmm-hmm?

Yeah? I mean, how...
How does it work? I mean,
how can you get stuff?

I mean, can you...
Can you get stuff,
or is it, like?

You know if your counselor
catches you using, you can
get kicked out of here.

Oh, well I don't plan on
discussing it with him.

Too late.

You know, generally,
people come to rehab
not to get loaded.

Yeah, well, I try not to run
with the pack.

Oh, yeah,
you're a real individual.

You're the only person
in the world
who does drugs and alcohol.

Look, I meant
what I said out there.

You get caught using,
you run the risk of getting
kicked out.

Fair enough. We done?

And believe me,
I'll know if you're using.

Are you always this charming?

Do you always use humor
to deflect things when
you're uncomfortable?

Well, do you always use
insight to disarm
your new recruits?

What's that?

-It's literature
about your disease.
-Oh.

AA big book, some worksheets.

That's a journal I want you to
write in every day.

I suppose I have to do this.

What? You got better things to
do with your time?

Hey, listen.

This isn't the last lousy day
you're gonna have around here.

So just remember,
God never dumps more on us
than we can handle.

Oh, is that available stitched
on a pillow somewhere?

BETTY ON PA:
Tonight's lecture: "Are You A
Blackout Drunk,

"Or Don't You Remember?"
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

-Okay.
-You going down?

My problem is my father just
happened to, you know,
watch Dateline,

uh, the night they're doing
some expose on, you know,

Park Avenue drug users
the night he caught me doing
some blow in the bathroom.

But I don't have a problem.
And I don't have health
problems, either.

I play ultimate Frisbee
two times a week.

And... And I'm you know,
a patron of the arts, and
diseases and cures and stuff.

That's what I'm spending
my money on.

So I like to have a
little bit of fun.

BETTY ON PA:
"Adult Children Of Alcoholics"

is moved to 9:00 p.m.
in room A.

Co-deps starts at 8:00 p.m.
in B.

CAs and NAs meet tomorrow,

and overeaters,
sexual addicts...

Who the hell do you
have to know to
get a drink around here?

GWEN: Oh, God.
JASPER: Oh!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-Oh, my God,
I love you so much.
-Shh! Shh! Shh!

So where are
all the celebrities?

Well, there are none. Can you
believe it?

What? Oh come on.

Don't they know all anyone
wants from rehab's a good
coked-out star story?

Elizabeth Taylor, weeping
in-group

about how she never felt
beautiful.

Never. Not one single day.

Now, that's the story
they want.

-Come here. Come here,
I'm gonna get you out of here.
-I'm not supposed to leave.

You're not supposed to have
Mummy's Little Helper

-in your pocket either.
-Hold on, hold on, hold on.

(INDISTINCT)

-Okay, go!
-BETTY OVER PA:
There's a green Isuzu

-parked in a therapist's spot.
-Be very, very quiet.
I'm hiding.

Shh! Be very quiet.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

GUITARIST:
* Drunk men stagger
Drunk men fall

* Drunk men swear
and that's not all

* Quite often they will
urinate outdoors

* Like widowed women
drunk men weep

* -Oh, God!
-Like children curled up
drunk men sleep

* Like a dog a drunk
will crawl around on all fours

* If you're broke bum or rich

* His dinner be
it bread or cake

* His beverage be
the worst of whiskey
finest wine

* Puke, it stinks
and so it seems

* That drunkards go
to great extremes

* There's yet to be
a perfectly straight line *

Hi, everybody.

So, what's the deal? I'm out?

Well, it'll take me a day
to arrange your transfer.
I have to make some calls.

I know where I wanna go.
There's this place
in the city that has...

I'm not referring you to a
treatment facility.

I get to go home?

Nope.

Well, where am I going then?

Your sentence was for
twenty-eight days of rehab
or jail time.

Oh, well.
You don't honestly think I'm
going to jail, do you?

No? For driving drunk,
crashing into a house,

knocking over a lawn jockey
that could've been a
four-year old child?

Yeah, but it wasn't.
It was a four-year-old
lawn jockey.

Hey, look, that's fine if this
is all a big joke to you,
but in here we have rules.

And I warned you about them.

Have your bags packed
by tomorrow morning.

No, I'm not. 'Cause I don't
belong in jail.

I don't even belong in here.

You know, yeah,
I know I drink a lot.

I know I do because
I'm a writer and
that's what I do.

-We drink.
-Hi, um, Cornell Shaw
for Clancy, please?

I'm not like those people
out there.
I can control myself.

No, um, I'll hold.

I can. If I... If that's...
If I wanted to, I could,
if that's what I wanted.

I could.

I can.

I can!

You know what?

Forget that, Mr. Rogers,
you twelve-stepping geek.

You know, I mean what do you
know about me?
Nothing. You don't know a...

You don't know a goddamn thing
about me, you know that?

ALL:
* Always tomorrow

* Lean on me

* -When you're not strong
-Excuse me.

* -And I'll be your friend
-Excuse me. Excuse me.

* I'll help you carry

ALL: We're better together!
No drugs!

ALL:
Grant me the serenity

-to accept the
things I cannot change...
-Excuse me!

-Are you coming?
-Uh, no.

Okay.

CORNELL:
Hi, my name is Cornell.

I am a drug addict, alcoholic,
compulsive gambler/liar.

ALL: Hi, Cornell.

Uh, for those of you
who are new tonight,

I now that, uh, this is
not your year.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

( SHOULD I STAY
OR SHOULD I GO PLAYING)

If that'll make you happy,
I will stop drinking.

And then, I would tell myself,

"Tonight I will
not get wasted."

And then something
would happen.

Or nothing would happen.

And, uh...

I'd get that feeling,
and you all know
what that feeling is.

When your skin is screaming
and your hands are shaking.

Uh, and your stomach feels
like it wants to jump
through your throat.

And you know that if anyone
had a clue

how wrong it felt to be sober,

they wouldn't dream of asking
you to stay that way.

They would say,
"Oh, jeez, I didn't know.
Here.

"You know, it's...
It's okay for you.
You do that mound of cocaine.

"Have a drink.
Have 20 drinks.

"Whatever... Whatever
you need to do to feel like a
normal human being

"you do it."

And, boy, I did it.

-Ow.
-I drank, and I snorted,

and I drank and snorted
and drank and snorted.

And I did this day
after day, after day
after night after night.

And I, uh, didn't
care about the consequences,

because I knew that they
couldn't be half as bad

-as not using.
-Shit!

Oh, God!

And then one night
something happened.

You know you're screwed.

Mmm-hmm.

(TENSE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(SCREAMING)

CORNELL: I woke up.

I woke up on a sidewalk

and I had no idea
where I was.

I couldn't have told you
the city I was in.

And my head was pounding,

and I looked down and my shirt
is covered in blood.

And as I'm lying there,
wondering what happens next,

I heard a voice.

And it said, "Man,
this is not a way to live.

This is a way to die."

Can I help you?

Eddie Boone, checking in.

You can't bring a girl into
treatment with you, Eddie.

-Oh, God.
-I wasn't gonna keep her.

You know what?
You were really lucky
you didn't break anything.

It'll be tender and swollen
for a while.

-Oh.
-Unfortunately,

you're going to have to live
with the pain because
I can't give you anything.

So take these.

Good.

Listen, rest.
Alternate heat and cold.
Elevate...

You know your carpet
is filthy.

And, I... I only bring
that up because, uh,

you know, carpet grit's
responsible for a lot of
major health problems and,

you know, that's the last
thing you need
around here

is a major health problem.

Uh, hey, um, listen,
about the, um...

about that, uh, jail
thing. I... I can't.

I can't go, um,

uh, well, not
because I don't wanna go,
but,

um, it uh...

Oh, God, my hands.
You know,
they just keep doing that.

That's not normal. I just...
There's something wrong
with my hands.

Um, well, with me.

'Cause, uh...

what kind of person just jumps
out of a... What kind of
person jumps out of window

and, uh, you know,
because she can't sit still,
you know?

And be alone, and,
you know, in a room without...

You know, a person should be
able to just be alone, right?

You know

human beings should be able
to just breathe.

I can't breathe.

And I feel that...
I think I know...

I think I know that
if I go to jail

like this, you know...
I'll die. And, uh,

I don't wanna die.

I don't like what's happening
here.

Well, wait a minute, let's
try to use a feeling word.

Um, I'm pissed!

Okay, pissed. Why?

Because no way should she be
here.

-All right, but tell her.
-No way should you be here!

That's right. There's a rule.

No using. You broke it.

-I'm sorry.
-Sorry, my ass.

All you've done
since you got here

is sit around while the
rest of us work our butts off.

-I realize that, and...
-And now you expect us
to be glad

-that they let you stay?
-I'm not expecting anything.

Gwen, just listening.
Everybody, feeling words.

I don't think you are giving.

I don't feel that you are
giving person.
I'm try...

-I'm trying!
-I don't think you
have niceness.

You see, I don't feel niceness
coming from you.

Should I just go
to another group?

Oh, that'd be a great idea.
You could spread your
negativity even further.

-Daniel.
-You know,
if you really try...

-Daniel.
-...you could ruin
the experience

-for the entire
patient population!
-Hey, Daniel! I am having

a bad day! I am having
the worst damn day
of my whole damn life!

So if it is not too much
to ask of you people,

will you just
back the fuck off?

Excellent work.
Really excellent work.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Good sharing, everybody.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, hey, hi. Hey.

Oh. I actually wanted to talk
to you about, um, last night.

I don't normally do
that, but you were great,

-and... And, um...
-Oh, my Lord.

You gotta be kidding me.

What?

Promise me we were safe.

-We were what?
-Safe.

Safe?

You're not, like, uh, one of
them paternity suit kind of
gals, are you?

What are you talking about?

-Why?
What are you talking about?
-I'm talking about last night.

Well, yeah.

You don't remember last night,
do you?

Well, I got a little drunk
on the airplane.

Oh, well, of course you did.

Um, you know what?
It was, uh nothing.

Just don't worry about it.

-We didn't...
-Nope.

Thank God, boy, I mean...

You know what?
That's, uh, that's
more than enough, thank you.

No, I mean, nothing personal.
I just made myself a little
promise

of no more ending up naked
with some girl I don't even
know what her name is.

That's a noble goal,
and I wish you
the very best of luck with it.

Cirrhosis is the ninth leading
cause of death
in the United States,

and 45% of
the time that is
alcohol-induced.

Let's take a look at
the first slide.

This could be your liver
right now.

Do you have plans for dinner?

This is not a test about you
and how you act
in relationships.

It's called Equine Therapy.

Tennessee
doesn't lie and manipulate.

He's just gonna respond
to how you feel.

And your job is
to clean his hoof.

-This is how one gets sober?
-It's character revealing.

The way we approach the horse

is supposed to be the way
we approach the world
or something.

And we gotta try
and match our insides with
our outsides here. Be real.

Oh, so our therapist today
is a very large,
smelly beast of burden.

We're totally in sync.

Step in, you breathe.
(INHALES)

Couldn't stink more
if he were dead.

And you reach down,
pinch the tendon,

trust yourself,
and let the horse do the rest.

Who's gonna be first?
Gwen?

-Think you might need
some help?
-Nope. I'm fine.

-Let yourself go.
-All right, Mr. Ed,

just pick up
your stupid foot.

THERAPIST: Can't force it.

-Are you sure you don't
need some help?
-No, I'm fine.

All right, look, Cornell,

just... Just, give me a pill,
give me a shot,

give me a, I don't know,
give me a lobotomy.

Right, because instant
gratification has worked so
well for you in the past.

Just take it easy
and keep it simple.

(GWEN SNORTING)

I am so tired by the way
you people talk.

You know, I mean,
"One day at a time."
What is that?

I mean, like, two, three days
at a time is an option?

I don't need the
Romper Room bullshit.
I just need...

-What are you doing?
-It's a therapeutic tool.

You leave me no choice.

Betty, you gotta get me
a new roommate.
This guy stinks.

I mean, I don't know whether
he's just eating beef

and he's, like,
secreting ketones out
of every pore of his...

We're gonna come back to this,
Betty.

I'm going to be back.
We're in each other's lives,
okay?

Hey, Gwen, Gwen,
did you get a sign?

"Confront me if I don't ask
for help."

Um, what kind of help are
you looking for exactly?

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Okay, Traci.

I want you to tell your mom,

"When you do drugs,
this is what happens." Okay?

When you do drugs,
you don't do any fun stuff
like you used to.

Be specific, Traci.
What was fun?

Well when you played games
with us and do puzzles.

That was fun.

-I have an idea.
-(YOUNG GWEN LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

(HORN BLARING)

You wanna tell your mom
about the drawing, Darnell?

It's of me and Traci
home late at night,
and Mom's not there.

Now, tell your mom
how that makes you feel
when she's not there.

DARNELL: Worried.
YOUNG GWEN: Wait!

Beat you down.

-Great.
-Oh, man! Not again!

DARNELL: I don't know.
YOUNG GWEN: Mom, wake up.

-DARNELL: I don't know.
-Mom...

-Hello! Wake up!
-DARNELL: Sad, I guess.

(CAR HORN BLARING)
(LAUGHING)

DARNELL: Lonely.

-Hello?
-No reaction.

DARNELL: Scared, worried.

I have an idea.

(GASPS) Oh!

-She's fine.
-She's up.

Bye!
(DOOR CLOSING)

ALL: Hey, hey,
what do you know?

Pills and booze
have got to go!

Hey, hey, what do you say?

Sober is the only way!

-All right.
-Whoo!

Good night, Eddie.

-Wait for me!
-Beat you.

-Girls!
-What?

-Aunt Helen, what are you
doing here?
-Where's mom?

I'm just gonna be
straight with you.

Your mother has passed.

That's okay. Just slap her
real hard, and she'll wake up.

Girls, this'll only be for
a while until we figure out
something more permanent.

-Hello?
-Hey, it's me. Gwen.

Well, I know which "me" it is.

What is it?
Oh, no, let me guess.
You need money.

'Cause I'm not gonna
give you any more money, Gwen.

I... Lil, I don't need
money. I'm just...
It's different this time.

Um, great.
I'm glad to hear it, Gwen.

Hey, whatever happened
to our fun-and-friendly
sister rapport?

I don't know.
Why don't you tell me?

Um...

Look, they make
you...

-They're having a family week.
-What?

A... Family sessions.
They... They, um...

work with us for a couple of
days, they teach us how
to talk to each other

-and then they supervise
an actual conversation.
-Uh, what?

You want me to come
there, is that what you're
saying?

They make you ask
somebody, so it's either
you or Aunt Helen.

So, uh, let me get this
straight.

You screw up, and then I'm
supposed to drop everything
in my life and just...

They can... They can schedule
it around, you know,
what's good for you. So...

(EXHALES)

-Hello?
-No, I'm... It's just...

You know, I'm cooking here,
okay?

You know. I've got people
coming over. I can't just...

Oh, God. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean, you know...

No, I mean, you never do.
Gwen, you never mean anything.

I have to... I have to go.
(PHONE BEEPING)

Lil, look, I bet this one's
really fast.

It's just a table, stupid.
Leave it alone.

No, it's a sled.

(DIAL TONE SOUNDING)

Well, I'm not a fan
of all soap operas,
just Santa Cruz.

I mean it's just
an incredible show.
I saw it the first time, um,

when I was in the hospital
a while ago after I got out
of my first rehab center.

There was this girl on the
show who's Darian...

She was also hospitalized,
and it was like I was
staring at myself. I mean,

not physically,
'cause I don't have the
curly hair and stuff.

I mean, this whole thing
had happened with her.

She had actually been
impregnated by her brother,
but, I mean,

she obviously didn't know it
was her brother
at the time, and...

And I don't have a brother.

But I have sisters.

So it's really sort of, um,
been an inspiration for me.

And it's really sort of helped
me stay sober off and on.

-Mom, everything's okay.
-Hi!

Hey, Andrea.

Hey, Daniel.

Daniel? Wanna give me
one of those?

Get your own.

All right, then.

Hey, Gary, can I bum a cig?

There she is.

Hello, darling.
How are you?

Ow. Ow. Ow!
Christ!

-Oh, my God, what's that?
-Hi, Gerhardt.

-Ah, nothing.
-Well, you poor little thing.

What are they doing
to you here?

-I fell.
-Is that part of the therapy?

Ah, you poor baby.

I'll get you home, darling.

-Okay.
-Listen, everyone's asking
after you.

Like who?

Like, uh, Mrs. Lefkowitz
from downstairs. Remember her?

-What, the non-talker?
-Right. Five years,
not a peep.

I'm crossing the lobby
yesterday, she stops in her
tracks, looks at me and says,

"Thanks God you got rid
of that girl.
She's nothing but bad news."

-That's not funny.
-Of course, it's funny.

No. Jasper, it's not.

Anonymous strangers
thinking I'm bad news,
that's not funny.

It is funny, believe me.
Everyone I've told has laughed
really hard.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, come on.
You need cheering up.
I'm taking you away.

-What are you doing?
-Well, this'll cheer you up a
bit.

Get away from these freaky
people.

-You don't wanna be here?
-Sorry.

Ow! God!

JASPER: Here, have
some cheese.

No, have it on a roll.

Mmm, I don't want bread,
I'm getting fat.

Come on,
it's better with bread.

Not if I don't want bread,
it's not.

All right,
I'll have the bread.
Just break it open for me.

-No. What is your problem?
-Just break open the bread.

-This is a ring.
-Yep.

What are you proposing or...

Yeah, I am.

At rehab.

No. I'm proposing to you now.
You happen to be here.

Yeah, but, I don't know.
I mean...

"Well, how did he ask?"

"Well, he came down to
visit me in rehab, and, um..."

Okay, so it's not moonlight
in Maui.

Where did you think
we were gonna get married?

-McSorley's Pub?
-Why not? Make a good story.

I don't need anymore stories.
I have enough stories.
I would like a life.

Well, I guess that was what
I thought I was offering.

-What is that?
-Champagne.

I brought it to go with the
proposal,

thinking, wrongly,
this might be
quite a romantic moment.

This is so not how I saw
this whole thing playing out!

I'm sorry. I'm just not taking
this as lightly as I used to.

-Taking what?
-This. This. This. This

straighten-up-and-fly-right
thing.

This... I don't know. I mean,
maybe there is
something wrong with me.

-Is that what they're
telling you here?
-No!

-No, yeah. It is.
-Yeah.

-And you know what?
I think they're right.
-Well, they're not. Trust me.

You're just in a rut.
It happens to everyone.

No, Jas. There's an entire
world of people out there who
do everything right.

They live right,
they don't drink,
they don't do drugs...

-That's a crock of shit.
-...and they are happy.

They're not happy.
No one adult human being
is happy.

People are born they have
a limited amount of time going
around thinking life is dandy,

but then inevitably,
tragedy strikes,

and they realize
life equals loss.

The whole point of the game
is to minimize the pain caused
by that equation.

Now some people do it by
having kids or making money
or taking up coin collecting.

And others do it
by getting wasted.

Letting that little
switch in the head

turn the hot light off
and the cool light on.

Nobody gets hurt collecting
coins.

-Everybody hurts everybody.
It's the human condition!
-(GROANING)

Oh, come on, Gwennie. Don't
let them tell you there's
something wrong with you!

There isn't! You're fine!

I don't feel fine.

Well, of course you
don't feel fine.
You're in deliverance country

surrounded by
a bunch of sober freaks.

And you're not with me.

Come on. I don't feel fine
these days either and I think
that's because we're apart.

You're mine.

I'm yours.

I love you.

Why do you want me, Jasper?
I am such a mess.

Maybe I like mess.

There's a time when
you can share
and you can

hold hands and
be on the same path.

But there's always a fork in
the road at some point.

And sometimes you
have to go on
one part of the fork

and they gotta go on
the other part of the fork.

Or just down the back part of
the fork while you go forward.

And they're like...

Or they got a salad fork,
and you have one of the
big dinner forks

and you have longer to go
but they're like, done,
because that's it.

They're stuck on
a piece of food that they...

(SIGHS)

Their dessert fork, or,
like one of those, you know,

small little shrimp forks
or the crab forks when you're
trying to get out a crab.

They're like that, and you're
over here jumping through
the huge serving fork

or something like that.

Or a ladle, you know...

Hey, And.

Guess what?

Hey, goober.

What, you don't want to
talk to me right now?

I only had, like, five pieces.

What are you doing?

Here, give me that.

-She didn't come.
-Your mom?

I waited all day for her.

-I did my hair.
-Yeah.

Well, honey, she probably
had to you know,
work or something like that.

No, she just hates me.
I make her embarrassed.

She doesn't hate you. Here,
hold on to this. I'm gonna
go get someone...

-No, no! Don't tell anybody!
-No, no. It's okay.
We have to.

-It's very serious.
-No, they'll take
me to Psychiatric!

-They won't let me stay here!
-Okay, okay, okay, okay.

-Okay, okay, okay, okay.
-Please, I can't get
kicked out again.

Okay, we're not going to
go anywhere, all right?

All right, come on,
why don't we, um...

-Why don't we go
in the other room? Okay?
-Okay. Mmm-hmm.

ANDREA: How did you do that?

-What? That?
-Mmm-hmm.

Uh, it's pretty easy. You just

take one of these.

Tear it in half.

Just so you know, I wasn't

trying to off myself
or anything.

Okay.

It's just something
I do sometimes.

Doesn't it hurt?

It feels better.

Than what?

Everything else.

Yeah, like that.

Then you try and slip them
into the cracks like that.

Right there.

And is he a drunk?

I don't know. Maybe.

Well, then you'll have
to say no.

It's just like Darian and
Falcon.

He was addicted to
gambling, and...

And even though she completely
and completely loved him,

she had to walk away.

Am I supposed to know these
people?

From Santa Cruz.

-Ah.
-It was more complicated
for them, though,

'cause it turned
out that they were actually
half-brother, half-sister.

But Darian didn't know that
when she found out
about the gambling.

Uh-huh. Can't believe this is
the advice I'm getting.

Yeah, well a show doesn't stay
on the air for 18 years for
being stupid.

(DOOR CLOSING)

BETTY OVER PA:
Tonight's lecture:
"I've Worked All Twelve Steps.

"Can I go home now?"

(GIGGLING)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

-Bus is here.
-Thanks.

-(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
-Oh, my God.

Let's go, team!
It's all about trust today.

Whoa. (CHUCKLING)

Ooh. Come here.

Listen, um,

uh, about last night.
I really think, uh,
you should tell somebody.

Oh, yeah. I already did.

Yeah, when?

This morning. I found my
counselor, and I told her,

and we talked about it.
She's gonna help me out.

Hold on, hold on.
You really talked to her?

No, I'm making it up.

We don't really have to climb
this thing, do we?

Well, we don't know
the whole story.

I think that we
ought to hear her side before
we go saying what's what.

Yeah. Guzzling Gwen!

What's up with the
ring-in-the-roll guy?

-Who?
-Your boyfriend!

Andrea, does the phrase
"in confidence"
mean anything to you?

-You never said not to tell.
-GWEN: Oh, okay.

Gwen, I know better
than anyone

how important it is
who you marry.

But, honey, just because
somebody proposes that don't
mean you have to say yes.

-Did someone propose to Gwen?
-Her boyfriend.

-I thought Gwen was a lesbian.
-I'm not a lesbian!

It'd be okay if you were, you
know.

-Can we just talk about
something else, please?
-Uh-oh.

-When did all this happen?
-Yesterday. On the lake.

Was it sunset?

Sunset by the
lake is very romantic.

It was lunchtime,
and he brought a picnic,

-with champagne.
-He brought champagne?

Oh, come on!
We didn't drink it.
I threw it overboard.

Well, it's not a very
cool guy to bring you booze
in rehab, huh?

Please, it's not his fault.
He just doesn't' understand
what I'm doing here.

If you were serious about
getting sober,
your love partner would know.

You must not be very committed
to your recovery, huh?

-Ah! Oh, my God! Ah!
-Sorry.

Aren't you supposed to be
doing something right now?

-I gotcha.
-I say you dump that guy.

Believe it or not,

I can make this decision
on my own, okay?
I don't need your help.

That's not what
your neck sign says.

Oh, forget
what my neck sign says.

He doesn't know the first
thing about me!
Neither do you people!

You don't have to live
my shitty little life.

And until you do, do not tell
me to give up the one person
that matters to me, okay?

Because I know he's
not perfect,

but he's the one person
that'll show up on my birthday

and he'll say, "I'm
glad you were born!"

(SCREAMING) Ah!
What is the matter with you?

-Just let go. Trust it.
-Yeah. Trust it.

(PRETENDING TO CRY)

Oh, my God.
Look at my package.

ALL:
* Wherever I may roam

* On land or sea or foam

* You can always hear me
singing this song

* Show me the way
to go home *

Here we go.

Oh, my God.

BOBBIE JEAN: Is there a key to
the ladies' room, please?
Thank you.

Excuse me, sir.

Can I please have the key
to the men's room?

-What?
-Eddie Boone.

-What?
-Eddie Boone!

Thank you.

Come on, come on, come on.

I need some paper, some pens.

-Dad, we need a
napkin or something.
-FATHER: All right.

FATHER: Okay, hold on.
Hold on.
Let me look.

-This is all I got. That's it.
-Thanks, thanks.

Uh. There.

EDDIE: What's your name?
ADAM: Um, my name's Adam.

DAN: And, I'm Dan.
EDDIE: And Dan.

You pitched a no-hitter
against the Braves on
August the fourth.

Is that right? August fourth?

-August fourth.
-Okay, Eddie, where's
your car, man?

-I bet it's like, really cool.
-My car?

Uh, you know what, guys?
Uh, we gotta get home.

Say goodbye now.

EDDIE: Nice to meet you.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

Have a great season,
Eddie.

Hi.

BETTY: Mail call.

Oh, Charm Blossom. You know,
this really isn't necessary.

Lining up the mail like some
sort of bar graph

to show the relative fullness
of everyone's life.

-I know my life is empty,
okay?
-For you.

(DOOR CLOSING)

-Hey.
-Hey.

-Watching game tapes?
-Yup.

They're out of ginger snaps.

Uh-huh.
(SNICKERING)

Well, it looks like your
mail's more fun than mine.

-Do you want them?
-You don't want them?

No. What did you get?

From my sister. She's
coming to family sessions.

-Oh, that's good.
-No.

I'd pay very good money not
to hear what she has to say.

So, what's wrong
with your balls?

So to speak. (CHUCKLES)

So to speak, nothing.
I just don't want them.

-Why not?
-'Cause I don't.

You know in the world of
philosophy, that's called a
tautology.

Something is what it
is because it is what it is.

Why is the sky blue?
Because it reflects the ocean.

Why is the ocean blue?
Because it reflects the sky.
That kind of thing.

Who are you talking to?

I have no idea.

Man, I bet you can't
sit still and be quiet
for even one minute.

I can.

Yeah?

Oh, is this what we're doing
now?

A little quiet contest?
Okay.

Ahh.

Wait a minute.

-Hey.
These are not game tapes.
-Gwen, no, no, no. Wait.

-Oh, my God!
-Let me have that!

-I know what this is!
-DEIRDRE: Darian?

I can't believe
you watch this!

-I wasn't...
- Santa Cruz watcher.

DARIAN: Don't make me do this,
Falcon. Can't you see this is
torture for me?

FALCON: Don't you know every
moment away from your bed

is another moment
of hell for me?

-Um...
-I'm sorry.

-No, it's fine.
-No, I'm sorry,

-I'm sorry.
-No, no, it's totally fine.

DARIAN: Don't speak to me
like this.

I always do that.
I always do that.

You always do what?

Women...

Drugs, women. I mean, just
leap before you think.

Not you. I mean...

What are you saying? What,
you were trying to snort me?

DEIRDRE: Turn it off, Darian.
That nice...

Yeah, maybe.

What a perfect
opportunity to thank him for
curing your cancer.

Oh, if I had known he
was gonna save your life just
to join it with his

I would have
preferred you died.

EDDIE: Pretty good show,
once you...

Once you get to know
everybody in it.

So who sent you
all those balls?

-My agent.
-Yeah?

He's trying
to psych me up.

Oh, for next season?

Well, for there to be a
next season. Yeah.

Why?
You thinking about retiring?

I don't know.
Might have to. I mean you
gotta quit sometime.

I'm not 22 anymore.

Plus, you know, maybe a
more normal life

might be a
little less pressure.

I understand.
Marry a cute girl,
move to the suburbs

spend your weekends mowing...
You'll never wanna
do coke again.

DARIAN: Are you okay?
FALCON: These headaches!

(SCREAMING)

Darian? Darian? What the hell
is he doing here?

What?

Get an ambulance.

He has
meligioma astrocytoma.

What is it?

A tiny little cluster of
brain tumors.

-Tiny clusters?
-He's very sick.

BETTY OVER PA:
Attention all patients.
Tonight's lecture:

"What's Wrong
With Celebrating Sobriety By
Getting Drunk?"

Hey. Give it to her.

Just give it to her.

Ah! Oh my God.
How did you get this?

Guys, this is the soap opera
that I watch.

You watch my soap?

-Yeah.
-Eddie you surprise me.

I only work every fifth day.

How else am I supposed to
do with my time?

Well, thank you very much.

Sometimes I like to read.

You know, literature?
Stuff like that.

Your betting is what lost
you your money and my respect.

I love you.

Mom, Dr. Griffin, what are
you doing here?

Darian.

We've come to tell you
something about Falcon.

Darian, it looks like I may be
carrying Falcon's child.

And what do you wanna bet
that child turns out to have
a gambling problem?

-Oh, no!
-Ah!

It's just
another tiny cluster.

Do something!

It's just a little
tiny cluster.
It'll be over in a minute.

He'll get over it.
Falcon will be back,
better than ever.

No, no, Falcon's
leaving the show.

He's having brain clusters.

Maybe it's more than a
little tiny cluster.

EDDIE: I hate that mother.

I love her.

-You do?
-I think she's hilarious.

Okay. I want you to talk to
Gwen, and be specific.

Pick one incident.

You ruined my wedding.

And when that happened,
how did you feel?

How do you think
it made me feel?

EVELYN: Tell her.

I'm trying to explain here,
okay?

I mean, you asked me,
so I'm just...

I mean, she shows up drunk,

stumbles through the
entire ceremony

and after at the reception,
she gets up

and, in front of my friends,
my new in-laws,

she gives this toast

-that was completely...
-What? What toast?

-Gwen, let your sister talk.
-What toast?

"Well, not
everybody can be perfect.

"but at least some of us
can try."

(CLEARS THROAT)

We all know that grownups have
to make compromises.

And Lily is
very, very grownup.

So that's
what she did.

She said, "Is Andrew

"the very best man for me
on this Earth?

"No.

And I mean, no."

She says, "Hey, I'm not
getting any younger. He makes
a hell of a lot of money so...

"So I'll marry
the little sucker."

To Lily and her little sucker.

That's not what happened.

Oh, and you think that your
memory of that day

is somehow better than mine?

-Hey, I don't think so.
-Let's try to stick with
the format.

I'm sticking to the format.
I'm just trying to
give you a picture here.

And she walks around like

some victim, like life just
handed her this raw deal.

Well, you know,
my father left, too.

And my mother died
when I was little, too.

And you don't see me using
that as some excuse

to just completely
abandon all self-control

-and indulge myself in...
-Indulge?

-Yeah, indulge.
-You... What? You think I like
this?

We've gotten off-track here.
Lily, Lily...

Think about Gwen's
behavior at your wedding

and tell her now how you feel.

Yeah, Lily,
how does it make you feel?

You know, this is just...
This is...

I don't need this.

I have a life.

YOUNG GWEN: Wait for me.

YOUNG LILY: Beat you.

What are you doing?

Great.
Another thing I suck at.

Well, hold on.
Gwen, hey. Please.

Come here a second.

-What?
-What were you thinking about?

When you threw the ball,
what were you thinking about?

I don't know. The
mating habits of African ants.
I don't know...

-The striped thing.
-The mattress?

-You were thinking about
hitting the mattress?
-Yeah.

Well, you know, it might
sound funny to you, but that's
all wrong.

-Oh, good.
-When you get all locked in
on the strike zone,

next thing you know it's
looking about the size of a
peanut. And you're thinking...

Your thinking,
"Damn. I gotta get that
little ball in there?"

You've psyched yourself right
out of the game.

The strike zone, the call,
the count, the batter,
all that, forget all that.

You gotta think about the
little things.

You know?
The things you can control.

You can control your stance,
your balance,

your release,
your follow-through.

All right, think
about those little things and
only those little things.

You know? I mean,
'cause when you...

When you let go of the
ball, it's over.

You don't have a say in what
happens down there. I mean
that's somebody else's job.

-I want you to try this.
-I don't want to try it.

-Yeah. I'm just curious.
-I don't wanna do it.

You don't have to do anything.
I just wanna see how you
hold it.

Just hold it. Don't grab it.

Don't grab it.
Look at it, look at it.

Hold it like an egg.

Loose. Easy. All right?

Let me just get a look at it
from over here.

Let me just get a
look at it from over here.

All right, now.

I want you to throw
it over here nice and easy.

Point at me
with your left hand.

I want you to throw it where
you're pointing at.

That was better. Of course you
nutted the batter,

and the other
team's rushing out
to beat the crap out of you.

But it was better.

Try again. Heads up.

I want you to do it again.
This time shut your eyes.

-What?
-Just shut your eyes.

-So weird.
-Fire away.

Right there. That is a strike
in any country.

-Yeah?
-You're a natural.

Come on.

Come on.

Folks, the
definition of insanity is
repeating the same behavior

over and over again,
expecting different results.

-Thank you.
-(HORSE SNORTING)

-I have a question.
-CORNELL: Yeah?

Once we all leave,

we have needs that are
going to need to be filled

by people physically at
times.

How and when can we do
that?

-Not how, just when?
-CORNELL: Yeah, I know,
I know.

Lots of people in recovery
want to know when's
a good time to start dating.

And, uh,

my rule of thumb is,
when you get home,
get yourself a plant.

Okay? I like
those spider plants, but you
know, whatever turns you on.

Then in about a year,
get a pet.

And then, if,
in say two years, the plant
and the pet are still alive

then you can start to think
about having a relationship.

Thanks.

I'll be fine. I know what
to do.

Don't drink, go to meetings,
find a sponsor,
ask for help.

Don't drink, go to meetings,
find a sponsor, ask for help.

ALL:
* Happy trails to you

* Keep smiling until then

* Who cares about the clouds
if we're together

* Just sing a song
and bring the sunny *

Well, I hope he makes it.

Well, statistically, only
three out of 10 of us will.

So, in a way,

it's good for us if he goes
back to using, you know?

Odds-wise.

(SIGHS)

God,
I love afternoons like this.

Do you know what's missing
from this afternoon?

That I don't have a very dry
vodka martini with two olives
in a chilled glass.

God, I miss that.

You know, lately I've been
lying awake at night,

thinking of all the
dumb-ass things I've done
when I was messed up.

One night last year at dinner,

I threw up all
over my glazed ham.

And then I was thinking,
"Well, maybe nobody noticed."
You know?

People think of it
as a garnish.

Yeah, I'm a winner.

Oh, God.

You know what
the worst one was?

For me?

My best friend in
the whole world.

We grew up playing ball,
hunting, fishing.

One Sunday morning,
he walks in
on me and his wife in bed.

I'll never live that one down.

Tell me one of yours.

-Excuse me?
-What's the worst thing
you ever did

when you were messed up?

Oh, uh... I don't know.

Come on. Give me a couple.
I'll... I'll pick one.

I don't...
I don't really remember any.

I just told you some stuff
that's,

-you know pretty much.
-I'm a drunk. Drunks forget
everything. You know?

-Come on.
-Why?

So I can recount
the last 15 disgusting
years of my life

to humiliate myself?
No, thanks.

Yeah. Why not?

Why? Because I don't feel
like it. I don't feel like
talking about it.

What's the matter?
You too good for me?

What are you, dense? Did your
mother drop you on your head?
What?

I said no.

I don't wanna talk about it.
Let's just drop it.

God, it's so hard.

You're a doctor. That's
the way it's supposed to be.

-Hey, Gwen...
-Shh.

BETTY: This isn't
the Sheraton.

Your chores are posted.

We will take the stairs.

What? I paid you a shit load
of money. I am not doing any
chores, just to let you know.

-Pills.
-Booze.

Coke and sex.

GRIFFIN:
We're not going to
need any champagne.

It's our daughter Darian,
Deirdre.

Oh, don't worry about Darian.
I tucked her
into bed hours ago.

So did I.

No.

No.

No!

Oh, God!

It was the most unbelievable
episode. I wish you'd seen it.

Everyone was
losing their minds.

-What are you doing?
-Packing.

What does it look like?

-Why? You're not leaving
for another couple of days.
-So?

I am leaving.

Might as well get ready.
There's no point in making
this room all homey

when I'm only gonna be here,
like, 42 more hours.

Come on. There's 20
minutes left till curfew.

Come on, let's go
get some ice cream.

-Satisfy those sugar cravings
of yours.
-No, thanks.

(SIGHS)

You don't have to do this,
you know.

Do what?

How do you know what I
have to do? Have you ever
left rehab before?

-No, but I...
-Okay. But nothing.

You've never left rehab
before, so you don't know
what you're talking about.

True, but I have been a part
of some very emotional
sing-outs, and I thought...

Oh, God, I'm sorry.
That's right. You sang, uh,
Lean On Me a few times,

the stupidest freaking
cheesy song ever.

My mistake then.
You must know about leaving
rehab better than anyone.

Oh, I got an eyelash.

Make a wish.

(SIGHS) Custody of my kids.

GERHARDT: Um, sobriety.

Oh, come on, baby.
We all want that.

Think of something else.

My foreskin back.

No one asked me
before they took it.

They just took it.

Way to share, Gerhardt.
Way to share.

Okay, here we go.

All gone.

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Hey! Read the sign.

Oh, Betty, where's the love,
huh?

Daniel, wow.

Guzzling Gwen.

Hey, what, uh...
What happened?

This?

I honest to God don't know.

Well, um...

It's really nice to see you.

Hey, hey, hey, get a room.

Ah! Oh, my God, it's a joke!
It's a miracle!

Ooh, you know what?
I could, uh I could really use
your medical expertise,

if you got a second.
Do you have a second?

I got a second.

-Use a condom.
-Ah, two!

Two in one day!

Gerhardt?

Gerhardt. Hey.

Um, I wrote this for
Andrea's going away,
and that is for you.

-Am I the lead?
-Yes.

If you could do that,
right there, that would be
really great.

I think I should direct this.

-You don't want me.
-No, I do want you.
You're gonna be great.

-Gwen, I'll ruin it.
-No, you... Bobbie Jean,
you get to wear lipstick.

-Really?
-Yeah, yeah. So just, um...

Just, uh, think, uh,
think Meryl Streep.
Think Cry In the Dark.

Remember?
"Dingo stole my baby.
A dingo stole my baby."

Andrea D mail pickup at the
Parker cabin, main room.

Andrea D.

Okay, go. Go, go, go, go, go.

-Gerhardt, come on!
-Oh, all right. Okay.

Watch the phone.

BETTY: Somebody sent you
a cute little monkey.

We used to make those
here. They're real easy.

You just take a string,
tie it around the toes,
becomes the head.

GWEN: Hey.
BETTY: And the arm...

Hey. Come here.

Okay, so just sit down.

Hello, everybody.

My name's Gwen. Uh,

I'm an alcoholic
and an addict.

But I guess
you already know that.

In honor
of Andrea's departure,

instead of singing,
Lean On Me yet again,

uh, we have our own
version of Santa Cruz.

Andrea,

I hope you like it.

DANIEL: And now Santa Booze.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, Falcon.

I am so afraid.
When they find I've taken you
out of the hospital

Mother and Dr. Griffin Hartley
are sure to come here.

What will we do?

-If I can't be without...
-With you. With you.

If I can't be with you,

I would rather be dead.

Oh, but, dear God,
the tiny clusters of tumors
in my brain.

Oh, God. The tiny little
clusters of tumors in his
brain. Somebody, help!

Oh, God.

Wait, I have
some pills that...

I'm okay. It's okay.
I'm okay.

Oh, Falcon. Hold me.

Hey, Falcon.

I knew we'd find you two
together.

Falcon. Darian,
your lover is also your
sister.

-No!
-It's not possible.

It is not possible.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Deirdre, darling, I have some
bad news. Your daughter,
Darian, uh,

uh, Falcon's lover
and, uh, sister,

is also
carrying my baby.

-No.
-No!

Oh, God!

Get out of here!

-Get out of here! Go.
-All right. I got no problem
getting out of here.

-What are you doing?
-I'm just improvising.
They do that on soaps.

Ow. What are you doing?

Just improvising.
Go with it.

Oh! But, no, my tumors!

-It's the, uh, melio...
Meli...
-Meligioma astrocytoma.

Well, whatever.
Look, I'm sorry,
there's nothing I can do.

What are...
What are you doing?

It says in the script that
we're supposed to kiss.

Uh, Andrea, I like you,
bon voyage,
but I'm not kissing Gerhardt.

Okay, everybody. Excellent
work. Excellent work.
That was really good sharing.

I really enjoyed that.
You know, good use of
feeling words and all of that.

Give me more, give me more.

-Who are you?
-I'm Evelyn. Don't you
recognize the hat?

Okay, but seeing
as you're all addicts,

drugs, sex,
the same story line
for 16 years,

you know, here are some
therapeutic tools, you know,
to keep you going.

Sometimes you gotta kiss ass
before you can kick it.

It's the engine that kills you
not the caboose.

Make love, not war.

Don't ever be someone's slogan
'cause you are poetry.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

GWEN: Hey.

You missed
a damn fine show.

All your favorite
characters were there.

Yeah, well, I'm happy for you.

You can't still be mad at me.

Listen, I'm sorry I said that.

You're not dense.
You're... You're great and

you know, that's why I
didn't want to rehash my
entire disgusting history,

you know, in front of you
because...

Because...

It...

And what you'll think.
You'll just...

Look, I know people's
perceptions of girls who screw
other girls' boyfriends.

I know what the world's
perception is on somebody
who goes into a bar and

realizes five hours later that
I've left my three-year-old
godson in the back of the car.

I mean, people
don't like people like that.

They don't like people...
I don't like people like that.

Those just things
you've done.

Not who you are.

People make mistakes,
you know?

Who you are is just fine.

More than fine.

Hey!

Hey. Jasper.

What are you doing here?

-Well, I was looking for you.
Successfully, as it turns out.
-Oh.

Yeah. No, I meant, um,
why aren't you
at your parents' house?

Oh, that. You know,
I realized, what with them
both being completely senile

I could just call them
in a week, thank them
for a great time,

they'll probably think
I made the trip.

See. I thought...
I thought you might be lonely.

Oh, uh, this is Eddie.
He's a patient here.

And... He's, uh,
from Oklahoma.

Well, how do you do,
Eddie from Oklahoma?
I'm Jasper.

Uh, I'll leave you guys
to it, then.

Well, hang on. I don't
know about that. I mean...
Let's think this through.

You see, the way I see it,
Gwennie, we've got
two options here.

Scenario number one:
We let Eddie from Oklahoma
head off to the showers,

wash off all that very
manly sweat,

and you and I could
bullshit our way
through the afternoon.

Or scenario number two:

We could all acknowledge
the awkward situation in which
we find ourselves.

I have no idea
what you're
talking about.

That was a clear vote
for scenario number one.

And how about you,
Eddie from Oklahoma?

Care to weigh in?

Abstaining? Interesting.

Well, I guess that leaves
only me in favor of
calling a spade a spade.

And saying, pardon me, sir,

but I'd prefer it if you
wouldn't sleep
with my fiancee.

Jasper.

You got the wrong idea
here, pal.

Don't call me "pal."

I mean, I'm not your pal.

And don't treat me
like an idiot.

Do me that one courtesy,
please.
'Cause I'm not that, either.

In fact,
I've got more brain cells

than your entire redneck
family all put together.

Jasper, don't be a jerk.

-Yeah, Gwen, don't be a slut.
-Hey.

Come on, back off, pal.

-Oh! Ah!
-Eddie. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie,
Eddie.

Go. Go.

-Let me see it. Let me just...
-Get off.

Come on,
let's put some ice on it.

Come on.

This way.

Honey, wake up. Andrea!

Somebody! Somebody! Come!

Gwen, what is it?

Go back in your rooms.

Oh, what did you do?
Oh, your hands are so cold.

Somebody, hurry up!

-What happened?
-I don't know.
She took that...

-Well, what?
-I don't know what this is!
Get somebody! Hurry!

We have a medical emergency.
Send an ambulance right away.

-Let me in.
-Get back in your rooms, now!

Oh, Jesus.

( DREAMING PLAYING)

STAVROS: We as a community
have all been deeply affected
by our loss.

I'd like to begin with
how I feel.

And that's scared.

Because I've heard so many
people here say, "I just wanna
use one more time."

Andrea's one more time
was what killed her.

CORNELL:
She didn't kill herself.

She used.

She overdosed.

That's what happens to you
or I...

( DREAMING CONTINUES)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Hello?

-It's me.
-Gwen, what happened?

-Lil...
-Are you all right?

Um...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Gwennie?

I'm sorry.

I don't know.

You wanna know how I feel,
Gwen?

How I always felt
around you?

Small.

You have this

way.

You know, it's that Mom
thing. That amazing
gravitational force.

Even when she was a mess,
you know,
the world noticed her.

You have that.

And I guess,

I figured that
you always knew that.

I don't know.
When I went back home,

I started thinking.

And maybe you don't know that

about yourself, I mean.

I mean, who would've
told you, you know? Not me.

The only thing I ever
told you was what a
pain in the ass you were.

Well, I am a pain in the ass.

Even a pain in the ass
needs someone

to take care of them.

I didn't do that.

I didn't,

and I should have.

I should have
helped you with your homework.

I should have walked you home
after school.

Sometimes I'd be
walking with my friends,

and I'd see you
half a block ahead,

all alone.

You were so little.

Well, so were you.

Yeah.

Well, I never asked for help
so...

But you needed it,
didn't you?

I mean, everybody does.

Yep.

I'm sorry I make it so
impossible to love me.

You make it impossible for
me not to love you, Gwen.

Oh.

Ninety meetings
in 90 days.

And ask for help.
It's always there.

Anything else?

Just goodbye.

ALL:
* Jeremiah was a bullfrog

* Was a good friend of mine

* I never understood
a single word he said

* But I helped him
a-drink his wine

* And he always had some
mighty fine wine *

Take care, sweetie pie.

* Joy to the world

* All the boys and girls

* Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea

* Joy to you and me

* If I were
the king of the world

* I'll tell you what I'd do

* I'd throw away the cars
and the bars and the war

* And make sweet love to you

Look, I messed up.

I got riled up,

and there isn't a lot I can do
about it right now, except I
just wanna say I'm sorry.

And, you know,
people make mistakes.

If you can't handle that,
if you...

if you wanna decide that
my messing up means I'm not
worth being your friend

then you're not half
as smart as you think you are.

That guy, Jasper.

I don't know him.

But I do know that,
that he is dangerous for you.

Hey.

Wait.

Turkey. Meant
to be symbolic of my behavior
last time we saw each other.

I tried to track down
some roasted asshole, but...

Listen, all right?

I've been thinking about us.

Just to say.
I can change
if you want me to.

And we can have a totally
different life together.

All right?
I'll buy running shoes.
We'll take up yoga

or, uh, jogging or...

You know, we'll be organized.
Pay our bills,
we'll floss our teeth.

We won't set fire
to the apartment anymore and

I'll buy a goldfish, and
we'll be like normal people.

-You hate normal people.
-No.

What I hate is being
without you.

Oh, come on.
You don't wanna do this
on your own, do you?

We have to go. I tell you.

Ten people died. That's
500 people having an
amazing time

chasing this cheese
down this one and two gradient

in the middle
of the Cotswolds.
It's hilarious.

The only person who dies,
who really died last year,
is this old woman.

Jasper, do you ever shut up?

I'm sorry.
But it's just that, you know,
if I'm gonna do this...

-You know,
if I'm gonna really...
-Stay clean and sober,

as they say in the program.

Yeah.
But it's not that simple.

Everything has to be
different. Just everything.

Absolutely.

And...
And, uh, that includes us.

I'm trying to, uh,
change things in me.

-I'm trying to...
-Oh, my God. Look who's here.

Hey, Marty.

Yeah, Elaine, look. Yeah.

MARTY: I was hoping I would
find you here.
ELAINE: Oh, God, she's alive.

ELAINE: Gwennie's
back in action.

You guys gotta celebrate with
us. We got a monster table
going in the back.

-Be fun.
-Ooh. Excellent idea.

You know what?
We're actually in the middle
of something right now.

Oh, come on, Gwennie.

-Give us a couple of minutes.
We'll be over.
-Sure.

All right.

That was really embarrassing.

Hey, Gwen!
Gwen, where are you going?

Look, come on.
They're waiting for us.

Come on, Gwennie.
We'll just go in the back bar,

have a quick soda water,
and then we'll go.

They just wanna say
welcome home.
Come on.

What the hell are you
doing?

I don't know. I'm just trying
to make my outsides match my
insides, I guess.

Gwen, would you leave
the horse alone?

Oh, come on.

(SIGHS)

I just need help!

Right now!

(HORSE NEIGHS)

I can control the
little things,

then I just have
to let go

and it's up to
somebody else.

(HORSE NEIGHS)

Well, the hoof's looking
pretty good, Gwen.

Yeah. Yeah, it does,
doesn't it?

Are we all fixed now?

Not yet, but,

-I'm getting there.
-Why? What else have
you gotta do?

Check his teeth?

Bye, Jasper.

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

FLORIST: Sir, I can't replace
the plant just because
you killed it.

GERHARDT:
I did not kill this plant. It
was sick or something.

I gave it everything.
I was talking to it,
telling it stories.

I drew a sketch of it
and put it on my refrigerator.
I...

Did you water it?

I...

I have. It's important that
I did not kill this plant.
Do you understand?

So if you're just
saying that because that's how
you're making your excuse,

you have to understand
there's...

You can't mess with...
I'm never gonna get laid.

You obviously don't care.

And that's one thing I do,
is care.

I feel sorry for
all the plants in here.

I'm going home.

I killed the plant.

It's okay. It's okay.

(SOBBING) I killed the plant.

It's okay.
You still have your dog.

I don't even think
he likes me.

I don't wanna...

I just...

What are you doing here?
It's so good to see you!

It looks like somewhere
out in the middle of nowhere.

-All I see are trees...
-No cell phones.

We carry our own bags here.
This isn't the Sheraton.

-Hey, Falcon.
-What?

-Uh, I don't mean to bother
you, but...
-Oh, sheesh.

BETTY OVER PA:
Don't miss tonight's lecture:

"Is God An Alcoholic?"