Original subtitles

[mellow orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[coyote howls]

- There you are, sir. I think you're gonna

find it irresistible. - All right.

- Do you know where Christian got these coconuts?

[knock at door] You get clean there.

- Uh, hey everybody, listen up.

This park ranger has an announcement he'd like to make.

- Hey guys, a pack of coyotes has taken over your courtyard.

Now, we believe that someone may be

leaving food and water out for them.

Now, they may seem cute, but they are dangerous

so we're gonna advise that you guys stay inside

until we get rid of them.

Enjoy your mojito party.

- Sorry for the coyotes.

They just look so hungry. - Oh yeah, that's all right.

You know, if we're all gonna be trapped inside

'cause we got a pack of coyotes out there,

well, at least it's during a mojito party.

- It's actually kinda fun being trapped

inside the house together.

It's like a little snow day.

- Cory.

There's a cockroach in the bathroom.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.

[eerie string music]

- How big?

- This big. And fast.

- You saw it move. - It ran from

behind the shampoo bottle

to behind the conditioner.

Like this.

Fast as hell. Fast. - And where's your shirt?

- Crammed it under the bathroom door.

I don't want that cockroach to escape.

- People are gonna start needing to use that bathroom.

- What do you propose we do? - Well, I just

crash on your couch.

It's not my house,

but if it was...

I'd kill it. - Okay. Uh, you know what?

That won't be necessary.

We'll just have somebody go in there

with a jar and capture it

and release it in the courtyard.

- Why don't you look at that?

That's a picture of a cockroach.

Look how disgusting it is.

Those antennas, the little legs.

I wouldn't feel comfortable asking anyone

to look at a live one up close

much less capture it in a jar.

- Yeah, because then you gotta flip the jar

and you gotta get the paper under there.

Then you gotta flip it at the same time.

- It's not worth the risk.

Unless...

you wanna do it.

Do you, Donny?

- Uh.

No.

They're too gross.

- Hey, what's going on with the bathroom door?

Are people doing cocaine in there?

- There's no cocaine, Christian.

Go downstairs. We'll be down in a minute.

- Hey Cory, you think I could borrow a shirt?

Getting kinda cold.

- All right, everybody. Listen up.

Donny's got something to say.

- There's a cockroach in the bathroom.

- Oh, my God. - A cockroach.

- So now you know. - How big is this thing?

- Ohh. - Someone needs to just

go up there and stomp it.

- You can't stomp it. It's too fast.

- And even if you could catch it,

it's too big to stomp.

- What do you know about stomping a cockroach?

- I stepped on a potato bug once, Christian.

And I pray that you'll never have to hear the sound

that it makes underneath your shoe.

- Well, I need to use the restroom.

- Go ahead, Christian.

No one's stopping you.

- I'm pretty sure Christian's bladder is not

the only one that's filling up.

So from now on, we'll limit our liquid intake.

No more mojitos. - [scoffs] Fat chance.

They're irresistible.

- Resist we must.

From now on, we do shots only.

- No mixers? - And as for

killing the cockroach, well,

we'll be exploring some different options.

- Unless someone wants to volunteer

to catch it in a jar.

[coyote howls]

Is the hole necessary? - We can't risk

opening the bathroom door and having

the cockroach escape.

- If I can get a good angle,

I'm gonna come right down on top of it.

Should be quick. - Will the cockroach

feel any pain?

- I mean, I assume so.

- I have a visual.

- Let's do it.

Ahh!

Did I get it? - Not even close.

- Damn it.

I short-armed it.

- Hey Kevin,

when you stepped on that potato bug,

what type of shoes were you wearing?

- Rachel. - It's all right.

I was wearing Toms. - [sighs]

That's a thin soul.

[fuse flares, firecracker pops]

- Did it work? - Negative.

He ran into the bathtub. Looks like he's stuck.

Surface is too slippery for his little legs.

- Let's drown him.

- How are we gonna turn on the water

without opening the bathroom door?

- We could fill up some Ziploc bags

with water from the kitchen.

I know we have about 100 in there.

That should be enough to fill the tub.

- What if the bags don't burst?

- Knives.

We could just start throwing knives

over into the tub.

- What we need is something long enough

to stick through the hole in the door

and turn on the faucet from here.

Maybe we could break the legs off

some of the antique chairs downstairs.

- Pull it up, pull it up!

Oh, you got it.

The bathtub's filling up.

[water running]

Oh, looks like he's treading water.

- Donny, go get your toaster oven.

- Why? - We're gonna toast his ass.

- Fire in the hole! Ah!

[electricity crackling]

- Hold on, waiting for the smoke to clear.

It jumped up on Donny's loofah.

- What the hell's taking so long?

I can't hold it any longer.

- If you have any better ideas,

I'm all ears, man.

You don't think I have to go?

I got a little bladder!

- I'm sorry. It's my own damn fault.

I snuck a mojito while no one was looking.

They're irresistible.

- Wait. Irresistible.

We're gonna dose the cockroach with a special concoction.

Christian's mojito

and a pharmaceutical-grade sleep aid.

If the mojitos are as irresistible to that cockroach

as they are to us, well,

he'll suck it right down and fall asleep.

- Yeah, yeah. Cut the line, cut the line.

He's leaving the loofah and heading towards the mojito.

Oh, man. He's really taking it down.

He passed out.

- Is he dead?

- Well, there's no way to be sure.

Not from out here.

Someone needs to go in there

and finish the job.

Someone who's been down this road before.

♪ ♪

- All right, I'm past the sink.

- Kev, it should be asleep in front of the bathtub.

Can you get a visual?

- I see the paper plate

but negative on the cockroach. - Okay, guys. You know what?

I think we should get him out of there.

- Hold on, it couldn't have gone very far.

Kev, can you see it?

- There it is. I... I found it

and he... he ain't moving.

- All right, Kev. Stomp that sucker.

- Wait a second.

Now he's by the plunger.

- We're so close. Let's just do this.

- This doesn't make any sense.

Oh, my God.

- There's more than one.

[dark tone]

- They're everywhere.

Guys! Ahh! [door rattling]

- Get him out of there. - What if they're on him?

- I don't care. Get him out.

- If this spreads beyond the bathroom, it's on you.

- Ahh! Ahh!

Ah! Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Get 'em off me. Get 'em off me!

Oh! - Mouth, mouth, mouth.

- Is he clear? - He's clear.

- You're lucky.

- Oh, God.

- Sport, there's one more thing we'd like to try.

- And what's that? Burn the house down?

- I'm gonna get a hose,

I'm gonna attach it to the tailpipe

of my Mini Cooper.

Fox is gonna get the other end,

run it into the bathroom.

We're gonna gas him out. The carbon monoxide

should kill him off.

- God damn it.

You know, I felt bad about killing one.

Now you're asking me to massacre a whole family?

- Kevin's gotta go to the bathroom.

So does Rachel.

It's not gonna be long before the three of us

have to as well.

- How you gonna get past the coyotes, Frank?

They're gonna bite you right on that ass.

- Now, now, hold up. You know I stole

23 bases my senior year in high school.

All right? I got a little speed on me.

I think I got a shot.

- [sighs]

Go get some ribeyes out of the fridge, Frank.

It'll help distract the coyotes.

Seems to be their favorite cut.

- [sighs]

[coyotes howling, barking]

Oh. [sighs]

All right, Donny. I'm all set, man.

Just give me the word.

- [sighs]

Start the engine, Frank.

[engine starts]

[somber music]

♪ ♪

- [whispering] Help us, Donny.

- Donny, come into the bathroom.

♪ ♪

Oh, no, oh, fuck.

Hurley?

- Who?

- You're Hurley from the show "Lost."

- Oh, no. I'm the cockroach.

I knew if I came to you in my insect form,

you'd be disgusted.

So instead I took the form

of someone that you'd recognize

and hopefully trust.

- Where are the others?

- Hiding under the sink, out of view.

Thought it was best if I spoke to you alone.

We don't mean you any harm.

We came up looking for water through the pipes,

ended up in your bathtub.

- I'm sorry we tried to murder you.

I don't know why we think you're so gross.

- It's okay. You can't help it.

But when you think about it, we're really

no different than a cricket.

- Well, you're definitely not as gross

as a potato bug.

Have you seen those lately? Oy.

- Ohh. Those guys

are fuckin' gross.

- Yeah. - Anywho, I came

to propose a truce.

I mean, we could go back down the drain

but some of us are too weak to make the journey.

Don, if you just put a jar in the bathroom,

every last one of us will crawl inside.

You take that jar outside,

and we'll leave and never come back.

You have my word.

- Deal.

- Okay. Cockroach salute to you.

[coughs] Now go, before the carbon monoxide kills us all.

- Oh, shit. Okay.

Frank?

- Yeah. - Frank, kill the engine.

[engine stops]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Kev, get up. Fox.

Get up.

♪ ♪

- They're gone.

♪ ♪

[mellow orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[light music]

♪ ♪

- Donny, we're inside now.

You can take your sunglasses off.

- No, that's okay. I kinda like wearing them.

[video game beeps]

- [sighs]

Well, Donny, they make you look pretentious.

And that makes me think that you think

you're better than me

and it hurts my feelings.

Now, take 'em off.

Donny, look at me.

Jesus Christ, sport.

Who gave you that shiner? - [scoffs] Nobody.

I just fell down. - Nonsense.

Now, if you're being bullied, I need to know about it.

Now, who did this to you?

- No one. Got it?

- [sighs]

[sighs]

Now, I wanna help you.

I really do.

But I can't unless you tell me who's doing this to you.

- [sighs]

Promise you won't tell nobody?

- I won't tell a soul.

It was you.

- Me?

- Yeah. - Well, I don't remember

socking you in the face. - I think it's 'cause

you're blackout drunk when you do it.

- I see.

And how long's this been going on?

- Ever since you been crashing on the couch.

- Well, then I'd say it's been going on long enough.

I don't know about you,

but I think we oughta

put an end to this.

Donny, you need to learn how to defend yourself from me.

All right, pal, first thing to do

is learn how to throw a punch, all right?

Give me a right cross.

This hand, right here. Let's go.

If you can't hit me now, how are you gonna

hit me when I'm drunk?

Come on. Right here.

[sighs] Don't slap it, punch it. Come on.

Put your hand up, like this. There you go.

Like that. See that?

- Ahh. - There we go.

Now get mine.

There you go.

Now, defend yourself.

Put your arms like this, protect your face.

Ready? Look over here. Put your hands down.

- Ah! - Surprise.

Okay? Don't put your hands down.

Now, I heard protein builds muscle.

Mmm.

I want you to eat that whole thing.

- Okay.

Why would anyone wanna be a bully?

- I don't think anybody wants to be a bully.

Sometimes people just have emotional trauma

from their childhood they've left unresolved.

Like maybe a cat that died or a dad that left.

And when those issues come up,

well, people wind up taking them out violently

on the people around them.

Right, right, left, duck, right.

One more, right there.

Oh, my God. - What?

- It's Jeremy. The guys are coming to town this weekend

for his bachelor party.

- Oh, that sounds fun. You guys gonna go golf

or hike or something?

- No.

- You're not gonna drink alcohol, are you?

- We're gonna get blackout drunk.

Dustin bought cocaine.

I'm gonna be more aggressive than I thought.

Nothing you won't be ready for.

[dreamy music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, pal.

I'm gonna hit the road.

- Hey, Cor...

have you ever been scared?

- Have I ever been scared? Well, of course I have.

Once.

When I was just a boy,

my father took me to the Forum

to see the Lakers play the dreaded Celtics.

Oh, we were so afraid they were gonna lose.

But we walked in and oh, the place was electric.

And they were playing great that day.

Magic was just whipping the ball up the court,

Worthy was hitting his shot

and Kareem with the sky hook...

[chuckles] Oh, God. My dad went to get us

a hot dog and never came back.

Never saw him again.

Ah, but then Magic fouled out.

Tight game, two minutes to go,

there we were, down by one

and I thought, oh, we had no chance.

But Kareem rallied the boys

and Worthy went out there and hit that game-winning shot.

Oh!

Place went wild.

Look, the point is, you're gonna be fine.

Just remember your training.

Now let me see that right hook one more time.

Pow.

There it is.

All right, pal.

- Hey, Cory.

Do you remember how you used to call me champ?

- Yeah.

- Can you do that again?

- I hope so.

- Yeah, me too.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[clock ticking]

[phone chimes]

♪ ♪

[lock clicks]

- Fu... - Oops.

Hey, pal, I'm home.

Hey, sport?

Come on, pal. Let's see your moves.

I'm gonna find you.

Where are you?

You in the kitchen?

♪ ♪

Donny?

[sentimental music]

My dad went to get us a hot dog, never came back.

Never saw him again.

Like, maybe a cat that died

or a dad that left.

♪ ♪

Dad?

Is that really you?

- Yeah. It's me, your dad.

- But you left.

- [sighs]

Well, I'm back.

And I have something for you.

Come on, take it.

Atta boy.

♪ ♪

- It's a little dry, Dad.

- [chuckles] That's okay.

Look.

There's ketchup, mustard.

There's even relish.

- [crying]

Aw, Dad. I missed you.

- And I missed you, too.

- And you missed one hell of a game.

- Hey, don't beat up on your roommate anymore, okay?

He's a good dude.

- Okay.

- My boy.