Original subtitles

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‐ First off, let me just say

how proud I am of you for coming into couples therapy

in the first place.

Now, I know a lot of people come in here

thinking that if you had to go to couples therapy,

it means that something's wrong.

But the way I look at it...

being here means you want something to be right.

So does anyone have anything they'd like to say

before we begin?

‐ Uh, yeah. Uh, why the fuck is he here?

‐ Whoa, whoa. Kim and I are a couple.

This is couples therapy, is it not?

‐ Kim and I are still married, you worthless piece of‐‐

‐ Ugh, both of you shut the fuck up.

I'm tired of both your shit,

and that's why you're both here.

‐ Okay. Okay. Okay.

Now, clearly, this is a more complex situation

than you would find

in a typical couples therapy session.

But I think it's good that we're all here.

Just so that I'm clear,

Kim has recently separated from Darren

and is now living with Brock.

And, Brock and Darren, you two seem to know each other.

Are you guys friends? ‐ No.

‐ Coworkers?

‐ Uh, no, not exactly.

I mean, uh, basically,

I've been trying to kill him for the last 16 years

'cause he keeps fucking up my plans.

‐ Okay. I feel like we're using some harsh language here.

Now, when you say, you've been "trying to kill Brock,"

what do you really mean?

‐ Oh, I mean I want to fucking kill him.

Like, that guy over there,

I want him not to be alive anymore.

‐ Yeah, yeah, that's pretty much true.

He once stabbed me in the chest with an ice pick.

‐ Yeah, yeah, I‐I would gladly dance

on that fuck‐hole's grave.

‐ Oh, Go‐‐ You see what I'm dealing with?

‐ Uh, yeah, it sounds like you're dealing with a murderer.

‐ Well, uh, okay, now‐‐now, in his defense,

I have killed literally hundreds of his men.

But‐‐but in my defense, I do have a license to do that.

But then now, in his defense, he also has‐‐

‐ Shut up, Brock!

‐ Last time I try to defend you, buddy.

‐ Okay, um, Kim, why don't you tell the room

how you're feeling right now?

‐ [sighs] Well, I'll be honest, Dr. Alan.

I‐I kind of feel like Brock

really doesn't want to be with me at all.

Instead of being in a relationship,

he'd rather be out whoring around with random women,

pretending to be some sort of secret‐agent playboy.

‐ Wow. Huh.

Uh, I mean, uh, wow, Kim.

‐ Brock, it sounds like what Kim said really struck a nerve.

‐ Yeah. I mean, here I am,

thinking that she‐‐she never listens to me,

and lo and behold, she hit the nail right on the head.

That's exactly what I'm thinking.

She took the words right out of my mouth.

‐ Oh, God damn you, Brock.

‐ Wow, Kim, great guy you left me for.

‐ Shut the fuck up, Darren!

‐ Okay. Okay.

I feel like things are escalating

a little bit too quickly here.

So I'd like to employ something I call

the honesty paddle.

Now, the way this works is whoever's holding this paddle

is allowed to speak honestly

without fear of judgment

or interruption from anyone else in the room.

Darren, I'd like you to begin.

‐ I, uh, honestly would like to pass.

Kim, here you go.

‐ Darren, you said you wanted to work on us, didn't you?

Well, now here's your chance.

‐ [sighs] Fine.

‐ Okay, now, remember,

no matter what Darren has to say,

nobody here is going to pass judgment.

So, Darren, speak freely.

‐ All right, uh...

I guess if, um, I'm being honest,

um, I sometimes struggle

with feeling self‐confident,

and I really respect Kim.

And, you know, I want her to respect me,

'cause then I'll know I'm worth something.

But when she goes and just fucks my archnemesis,

it kind of hits me, you know?

It‐‐it emasculates me.

It makes me feel like a little kid,

like a little boy who's just begging,

"Someone, please, come love me."

[stifled laughter] ‐ Ladies and gents, we're not‐‐

we're not judging, remember?

Hey, guys, remember the rules.

‐ I mean, right?

I mean, was that the saddest thing you've ever heard?

‐ Respect me? What are you talking about?

[laughs]

‐ Havoc, I mean, when you say shit like that,

it's like, why wouldn't she be fucking me?

I mean, like, come on, man.

‐ I've been fucking a little boy.

[laughter] ‐ I'm a little boy!

Oh, give me‐‐give me a lollipop and an ice cream cone

and put me to bed and pat my head and mac and cheese.

‐ All right, that's it, you son of a bitch.

‐ Whoa, whoa, Darren, no, no, put the gun away!

This is completely uncalled for!

‐ Yeah, this situation calls

for a much bigger gun, you fuck‐face.

‐ Oh, go for it!

‐ Oh, as so on as you've gone for it

is when I'll go for it.

‐ I'll fucking go for it right now.

‐ Go ahead and go fucking for it.

‐ Oh, I fucking will go for it. ‐ Oh, are you going for it?

‐ I'm going for it. Yeah. ‐ Are you?

‐ You ready? ‐ And ready, set, go for it.

‐ Oh, for the love of God!

God, for once, could we cut the dick‐measuring contest

and think about me for a second?

‐ Please, Kim, let's be honest.

You do enough thinking about yourself for the three of us.

‐ [laughs] Oh, snap.

She is selfish. That is very true.

‐ Oh, fuck you Darren!

I'm the one over here

trying to raise our fucking daughter,

who also might be your daughter, Brock.

‐ Oh, come on, now, Kim.

When was the last time you cooked a meal for Ally?

I can't just keep feeding that kid corn dogs.

‐ Wait, wait. Just one minute.

Are the three of you trying to raise a child?

‐ Oh, yeah.

Have they not explained

how they let our 16‐year‐old daughter have sex

with his two‐year‐old clone?

‐ All right, hold on, hold on.

Okay, at the most, it was just some hand stuff, okay?

And it wasn't like a two‐year‐old little clone body.

It was a clone with an adult body

and just had the mind of a two‐year‐old,

which, you know...

is‐‐is better.

‐ And where were you during all this, Kim?

Accepting your Mother of the Year Award at the Mommies?

[laughter] ‐ Right?

both: Fuck you, Kim.

‐ Yeah, I'm gonna need you

to clear my next three appointments.

We're, uh‐‐we're gonna be here for a while.

‐ No, you know what? Don't even bother.

The two of you can have each other.

I'm done with both of you!

‐ I'm so sorry. I forgot my purse.

You assholes!

[door opens, closes] ‐ Huh.

Oh, my‐‐oh, my God, I'm free.

‐ Oh, well done, Doctor. You are good.

Havoc, whatever you're paying this guy, he's worth it.

‐ What? Why am I paying him?

‐ Oh, come on, man, I'm on a government salary.

All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll take you out for a drink tonight.

You can be my wingman.

What do you say, Merlin? ‐ Merlin? What?

‐ You know, Merlin, the‐‐ the wingman from "Top Gun."

‐ Merlin?

Who the hell wants to be Merlin from "Top Gun"?

What about Goose?

‐ Goose? You mean the dead guy?

Okay, you want to be the dead guy

whose brains get spread all over the glass.

I mean, come on. You want to be Merlin?

I'll be Jester.

‐ And so, diary, my final thoughts on therapy are‐‐

[cell phone ringing] Hello?

‐ Hey, buddy.

You want to, uh‐‐

you want to go grab those drinks we talked about?

‐ No, you know what?

Brock, I think I'm just gonna call it a night.

‐ Oh, okay.

I just‐‐you know, I was just looking for something to do.

Kim kicked me out.

‐ Out of your own apartment?

‐ Yeah, she can be pretty persuasive when she yells,

and, boy, does she yell a lot.

Anyway, it's all right.

I'll‐‐I'll figure something out.

‐ Well, you know, for what it's worth,

I like to wrap up my nights writing in a diary.

It kind of helps me decompress after a day like today.