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[dramatic music]
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♪ ♪
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♪ ♪
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‐ First off, let me just say
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how proud I am of you for
coming into couples therapy
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in the first place.
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Now, I know a lot of people
come in here
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thinking that if you had to go
to couples therapy,
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it means
that something's wrong.
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But the way I look at it...
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being here means you want
something to be right.
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So does anyone have
anything they'd like to say
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before we begin?
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‐ Uh, yeah.
Uh, why the fuck is he here?
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‐ Whoa, whoa.
Kim and I are a couple.
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This is couples therapy,
is it not?
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‐ Kim and I are still married,
you worthless piece of‐‐
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‐ Ugh, both of you
shut the fuck up.
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I'm tired of both your shit,
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and that's
why you're both here.
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‐ Okay. Okay. Okay.
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Now, clearly, this is a more
complex situation
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than you would find
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in a typical
couples therapy session.
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But I think it's good
that we're all here.
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Just so that I'm clear,
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Kim has recently separated
from Darren
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and is now living with Brock.
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And, Brock and Darren, you two
seem to know each other.
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Are you guys friends?
‐ No.
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‐ Coworkers?
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‐ Uh, no, not exactly.
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I mean, uh, basically,
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I've been trying to kill him
for the last 16 years
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'cause he keeps fucking up
my plans.
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‐ Okay. I feel like we're using
some harsh language here.
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Now, when you say, you've been
"trying to kill Brock,"
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what do you really mean?
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‐ Oh, I mean
I want to fucking kill him.
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Like, that guy over there,
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I want him
not to be alive anymore.
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‐ Yeah, yeah,
that's pretty much true.
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He once stabbed me in the chest
with an ice pick.
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‐ Yeah, yeah,
I‐I would gladly dance
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on that fuck‐hole's grave.
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‐ Oh, Go‐‐
You see what I'm dealing with?
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‐ Uh, yeah, it sounds like
you're dealing with a murderer.
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‐ Well, uh, okay,
now‐‐now, in his defense,
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I have killed literally
hundreds of his men.
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But‐‐but in my defense,
I do have a license to do that.
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But then now, in his defense,
he also has‐‐
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‐ Shut up, Brock!
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‐ Last time
I try to defend you, buddy.
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‐ Okay, um, Kim,
why don't you tell the room
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how you're feeling right now?
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‐ [sighs] Well, I'll be honest,
Dr. Alan.
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I‐I kind of feel like Brock
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really doesn't want to be
with me at all.
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Instead of being
in a relationship,
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he'd rather be out whoring
around with random women,
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pretending to be some sort
of secret‐agent playboy.
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‐ Wow. Huh.
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Uh, I mean, uh, wow, Kim.
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‐ Brock, it sounds like what
Kim said really struck a nerve.
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‐ Yeah. I mean, here I am,
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thinking that she‐‐she never
listens to me,
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and lo and behold, she hit
the nail right on the head.
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That's exactly
what I'm thinking.
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She took the words
right out of my mouth.
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‐ Oh, God damn you, Brock.
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‐ Wow, Kim,
great guy you left me for.
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‐ Shut the fuck up, Darren!
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‐ Okay. Okay.
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I feel like things are
escalating
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a little bit too quickly here.
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So I'd like to employ
something I call
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the honesty paddle.
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Now, the way this works is
whoever's holding this paddle
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is allowed to speak honestly
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without fear of judgment
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or interruption
from anyone else in the room.
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Darren, I'd like you to begin.
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‐ I, uh, honestly
would like to pass.
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Kim, here you go.
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‐ Darren, you said you wanted
to work on us, didn't you?
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Well, now here's your chance.
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‐ [sighs]
Fine.
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‐ Okay, now, remember,
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no matter
what Darren has to say,
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nobody here
is going to pass judgment.
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So, Darren, speak freely.
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‐ All right, uh...
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I guess if, um,
I'm being honest,
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um, I sometimes struggle
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with feeling self‐confident,
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and I really respect Kim.
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And, you know,
I want her to respect me,
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'cause then I'll know
I'm worth something.
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But when she goes and just
fucks my archnemesis,
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it kind of hits me, you know?
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It‐‐it emasculates me.
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It makes me feel
like a little kid,
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like a little boy
who's just begging,
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"Someone, please,
come love me."
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[stifled laughter]
‐ Ladies and gents, we're not‐‐
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we're not judging, remember?
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Hey, guys, remember the rules.
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‐ I mean, right?
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I mean, was that the saddest
thing you've ever heard?
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‐ Respect me?
What are you talking about?
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[laughs]
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‐ Havoc, I mean,
when you say shit like that,
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it's like,
why wouldn't she be fucking me?
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I mean, like, come on, man.
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‐ I've been fucking
a little boy.
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[laughter]
‐ I'm a little boy!
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Oh, give me‐‐give me a lollipop
and an ice cream cone
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and put me to bed and pat
my head and mac and cheese.
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‐ All right, that's it,
you son of a bitch.
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‐ Whoa, whoa, Darren, no, no,
put the gun away!
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This is
completely uncalled for!
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‐ Yeah, this situation calls
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for a much bigger gun,
you fuck‐face.
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‐ Oh, go for it!
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‐ Oh, as so on
as you've gone for it
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is when I'll go for it.
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‐ I'll fucking go for it
right now.
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‐ Go ahead
and go fucking for it.
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‐ Oh, I fucking will go for it.
‐ Oh, are you going for it?
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‐ I'm going for it. Yeah.
‐ Are you?
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‐ You ready?
‐ And ready, set, go for it.
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‐ Oh, for the love of God!
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God, for once, could we cut
the dick‐measuring contest
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and think about me
for a second?
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‐ Please, Kim, let's be honest.
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You do enough thinking about
yourself for the three of us.
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‐ [laughs] Oh, snap.
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She is selfish.
That is very true.
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‐ Oh, fuck you Darren!
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I'm the one over here
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trying to raise
our fucking daughter,
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who also might be
your daughter, Brock.
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‐ Oh, come on, now, Kim.
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When was the last time
you cooked a meal for Ally?
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I can't just keep feeding
that kid corn dogs.
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‐ Wait, wait.
Just one minute.
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Are the three of you
trying to raise a child?
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‐ Oh, yeah.
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Have they not explained
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how they let our
16‐year‐old daughter have sex
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with his two‐year‐old clone?
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‐ All right, hold on, hold on.
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Okay, at the most, it was just
some hand stuff, okay?
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And it wasn't like a
two‐year‐old little clone body.
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It was a clone
with an adult body
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and just had the mind
of a two‐year‐old,
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which, you know...
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is‐‐is better.
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‐ And where were you
during all this, Kim?
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Accepting your Mother of
the Year Award at the Mommies?
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[laughter]
‐ Right?
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both:
Fuck you, Kim.
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‐ Yeah, I'm gonna need you
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to clear
my next three appointments.
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We're, uh‐‐we're gonna be here
for a while.
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‐ No, you know what?
Don't even bother.
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The two of you
can have each other.
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I'm done with both of you!
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‐ I'm so sorry.
I forgot my purse.
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You assholes!
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[door opens, closes]
‐ Huh.
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Oh, my‐‐oh, my God, I'm free.
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‐ Oh, well done, Doctor.
You are good.
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Havoc, whatever you're paying
this guy, he's worth it.
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‐ What? Why am I paying him?
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‐ Oh, come on, man,
I'm on a government salary.
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All right, I'll tell you what.
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I'll take you out
for a drink tonight.
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You can be my wingman.
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What do you say, Merlin?
‐ Merlin? What?
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‐ You know, Merlin, the‐‐
the wingman from "Top Gun."
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‐ Merlin?
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Who the hell wants to be Merlin
from "Top Gun"?
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What about Goose?
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‐ Goose?
You mean the dead guy?
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Okay, you want to be
the dead guy
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whose brains get spread
all over the glass.
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I mean, come on.
You want to be Merlin?
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I'll be Jester.
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‐ And so, diary, my final
thoughts on therapy are‐‐
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[cell phone ringing]
Hello?
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‐ Hey, buddy.
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You want to, uh‐‐
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you want to go grab
those drinks we talked about?
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‐ No, you know what?
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Brock, I think I'm just gonna
call it a night.
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‐ Oh, okay.
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I just‐‐you know, I was just
looking for something to do.
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Kim kicked me out.
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‐ Out of your own apartment?
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‐ Yeah, she can be pretty
persuasive when she yells,
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and, boy, does she yell a lot.
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Anyway, it's all right.
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I'll‐‐I'll figure
something out.
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‐ Well, you know,
for what it's worth,
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I like to wrap up my nights
writing in a diary.
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It kind of helps me decompress
after a day like today.
15647
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