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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:14,011 [dramatic music] 2 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:19,054 ♪ ♪ 3 00:00:22,422 --> 00:00:25,262 ♪ ♪ 4 00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:27,159 ‐ First off, let me just say 5 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:29,830 how proud I am of you for coming into couples therapy 6 00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:31,430 in the first place. 7 00:00:31,431 --> 00:00:34,301 Now, I know a lot of people come in here 8 00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:36,971 thinking that if you had to go to couples therapy, 9 00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:39,210 it means that something's wrong. 10 00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:41,136 But the way I look at it... 11 00:00:41,141 --> 00:00:45,751 being here means you want something to be right. 12 00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:49,016 So does anyone have anything they'd like to say 13 00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:50,216 before we begin? 14 00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,947 ‐ Uh, yeah. Uh, why the fuck is he here? 15 00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:55,293 ‐ Whoa, whoa. Kim and I are a couple. 16 00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:57,159 This is couples therapy, is it not? 17 00:00:57,157 --> 00:00:59,827 ‐ Kim and I are still married, you worthless piece of‐‐ 18 00:00:59,826 --> 00:01:02,826 ‐ Ugh, both of you shut the fuck up. 19 00:01:02,829 --> 00:01:05,229 I'm tired of both your shit, 20 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:07,172 and that's why you're both here. 21 00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:09,637 ‐ Okay. Okay. Okay. 22 00:01:09,636 --> 00:01:12,966 Now, clearly, this is a more complex situation 23 00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:14,073 than you would find 24 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,944 in a typical couples therapy session. 25 00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:18,713 But I think it's good that we're all here. 26 00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:20,452 Just so that I'm clear, 27 00:01:20,447 --> 00:01:22,977 Kim has recently separated from Darren 28 00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,923 and is now living with Brock. 29 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:28,818 And, Brock and Darren, you two seem to know each other. 30 00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:31,192 Are you guys friends? ‐ No. 31 00:01:31,191 --> 00:01:32,261 ‐ Coworkers? 32 00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:34,259 ‐ Uh, no, not exactly. 33 00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:36,161 I mean, uh, basically, 34 00:01:36,163 --> 00:01:39,003 I've been trying to kill him for the last 16 years 35 00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:40,769 'cause he keeps fucking up my plans. 36 00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:44,737 ‐ Okay. I feel like we're using some harsh language here. 37 00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:49,578 Now, when you say, you've been "trying to kill Brock," 38 00:01:49,576 --> 00:01:51,206 what do you really mean? 39 00:01:51,211 --> 00:01:53,781 ‐ Oh, I mean I want to fucking kill him. 40 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,080 Like, that guy over there, 41 00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:56,622 I want him not to be alive anymore. 42 00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:58,547 ‐ Yeah, yeah, that's pretty much true. 43 00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:00,552 He once stabbed me in the chest with an ice pick. 44 00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:02,194 ‐ Yeah, yeah, I‐I would gladly dance 45 00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:03,389 on that fuck‐hole's grave. 46 00:02:03,390 --> 00:02:05,390 ‐ Oh, Go‐‐ You see what I'm dealing with? 47 00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:08,132 ‐ Uh, yeah, it sounds like you're dealing with a murderer. 48 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,628 ‐ Well, uh, okay, now‐‐now, in his defense, 49 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:13,131 I have killed literally hundreds of his men. 50 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:17,003 But‐‐but in my defense, I do have a license to do that. 51 00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:19,414 But then now, in his defense, he also has‐‐ 52 00:02:19,406 --> 00:02:21,436 ‐ Shut up, Brock! 53 00:02:21,441 --> 00:02:23,311 ‐ Last time I try to defend you, buddy. 54 00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:26,650 ‐ Okay, um, Kim, why don't you tell the room 55 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,477 how you're feeling right now? 56 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:31,492 ‐ [sighs] Well, I'll be honest, Dr. Alan. 57 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:34,315 I‐I kind of feel like Brock 58 00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:36,761 really doesn't want to be with me at all. 59 00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:38,657 Instead of being in a relationship, 60 00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:41,059 he'd rather be out whoring around with random women, 61 00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:45,001 pretending to be some sort of secret‐agent playboy. 62 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,298 ‐ Wow. Huh. 63 00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:50,440 Uh, I mean, uh, wow, Kim. 64 00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:54,837 ‐ Brock, it sounds like what Kim said really struck a nerve. 65 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:57,511 ‐ Yeah. I mean, here I am, 66 00:02:57,511 --> 00:03:00,451 thinking that she‐‐she never listens to me, 67 00:03:00,447 --> 00:03:03,377 and lo and behold, she hit the nail right on the head. 68 00:03:03,383 --> 00:03:04,753 That's exactly what I'm thinking. 69 00:03:04,751 --> 00:03:06,551 She took the words right out of my mouth. 70 00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:08,363 ‐ Oh, God damn you, Brock. 71 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,085 ‐ Wow, Kim, great guy you left me for. 72 00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:11,690 ‐ Shut the fuck up, Darren! 73 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,462 ‐ Okay. Okay. 74 00:03:13,460 --> 00:03:15,300 I feel like things are escalating 75 00:03:15,295 --> 00:03:17,095 a little bit too quickly here. 76 00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:20,127 So I'd like to employ something I call 77 00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:22,103 the honesty paddle. 78 00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:24,972 Now, the way this works is whoever's holding this paddle 79 00:03:24,971 --> 00:03:27,311 is allowed to speak honestly 80 00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:28,807 without fear of judgment 81 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:32,509 or interruption from anyone else in the room. 82 00:03:32,512 --> 00:03:36,252 Darren, I'd like you to begin. 83 00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:38,989 ‐ I, uh, honestly would like to pass. 84 00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:40,485 Kim, here you go. 85 00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:44,727 ‐ Darren, you said you wanted to work on us, didn't you? 86 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:47,025 Well, now here's your chance. 87 00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:49,127 ‐ [sighs] Fine. 88 00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:50,529 ‐ Okay, now, remember, 89 00:03:50,530 --> 00:03:52,970 no matter what Darren has to say, 90 00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:56,136 nobody here is going to pass judgment. 91 00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:58,366 So, Darren, speak freely. 92 00:03:58,371 --> 00:04:01,341 ‐ All right, uh... 93 00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:04,511 I guess if, um, I'm being honest, 94 00:04:04,511 --> 00:04:07,981 um, I sometimes struggle 95 00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:09,851 with feeling self‐confident, 96 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:12,720 and I really respect Kim. 97 00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:15,019 And, you know, I want her to respect me, 98 00:04:15,021 --> 00:04:17,291 'cause then I'll know I'm worth something. 99 00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:21,460 But when she goes and just fucks my archnemesis, 100 00:04:21,461 --> 00:04:23,301 it kind of hits me, you know? 101 00:04:23,296 --> 00:04:24,866 It‐‐it emasculates me. 102 00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:26,425 It makes me feel like a little kid, 103 00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:29,373 like a little boy who's just begging, 104 00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:32,139 "Someone, please, come love me." 105 00:04:32,139 --> 00:04:33,809 [stifled laughter] ‐ Ladies and gents, we're not‐‐ 106 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:35,307 we're not judging, remember? 107 00:04:35,308 --> 00:04:36,708 Hey, guys, remember the rules. 108 00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,040 ‐ I mean, right? 109 00:04:38,044 --> 00:04:40,484 I mean, was that the saddest thing you've ever heard? 110 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:42,020 ‐ Respect me? What are you talking about? 111 00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:43,315 [laughs] 112 00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:45,816 ‐ Havoc, I mean, when you say shit like that, 113 00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:47,749 it's like, why wouldn't she be fucking me? 114 00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:49,164 I mean, like, come on, man. 115 00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:50,816 ‐ I've been fucking a little boy. 116 00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:52,394 [laughter] ‐ I'm a little boy! 117 00:04:52,392 --> 00:04:55,762 Oh, give me‐‐give me a lollipop and an ice cream cone 118 00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:58,602 and put me to bed and pat my head and mac and cheese. 119 00:04:58,598 --> 00:05:00,468 ‐ All right, that's it, you son of a bitch. 120 00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:03,837 ‐ Whoa, whoa, Darren, no, no, put the gun away! 121 00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:06,267 This is completely uncalled for! 122 00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:08,113 ‐ Yeah, this situation calls 123 00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:10,038 for a much bigger gun, you fuck‐face. 124 00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:11,183 ‐ Oh, go for it! 125 00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:12,908 ‐ Oh, as so on as you've gone for it 126 00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:14,053 is when I'll go for it. 127 00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,617 ‐ I'll fucking go for it right now. 128 00:05:15,615 --> 00:05:17,715 ‐ Go ahead and go fucking for it. 129 00:05:17,717 --> 00:05:19,887 ‐ Oh, I fucking will go for it. ‐ Oh, are you going for it? 130 00:05:19,886 --> 00:05:21,246 ‐ I'm going for it. Yeah. ‐ Are you? 131 00:05:21,254 --> 00:05:23,524 ‐ You ready? ‐ And ready, set, go for it. 132 00:05:23,523 --> 00:05:25,293 ‐ Oh, for the love of God! 133 00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:30,462 God, for once, could we cut the dick‐measuring contest 134 00:05:30,463 --> 00:05:32,573 and think about me for a second? 135 00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:34,026 ‐ Please, Kim, let's be honest. 136 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:36,244 You do enough thinking about yourself for the three of us. 137 00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:37,966 ‐ [laughs] Oh, snap. 138 00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:39,641 She is selfish. That is very true. 139 00:05:39,639 --> 00:05:41,309 ‐ Oh, fuck you Darren! 140 00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:42,638 I'm the one over here 141 00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:45,112 trying to raise our fucking daughter, 142 00:05:45,111 --> 00:05:47,511 who also might be your daughter, Brock. 143 00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:49,554 ‐ Oh, come on, now, Kim. 144 00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:51,949 When was the last time you cooked a meal for Ally? 145 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:54,792 I can't just keep feeding that kid corn dogs. 146 00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,488 ‐ Wait, wait. Just one minute. 147 00:05:56,489 --> 00:05:59,359 Are the three of you trying to raise a child? 148 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:00,489 ‐ Oh, yeah. 149 00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:02,163 Have they not explained 150 00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:04,662 how they let our 16‐year‐old daughter have sex 151 00:06:04,664 --> 00:06:06,704 with his two‐year‐old clone? 152 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,070 ‐ All right, hold on, hold on. 153 00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:11,368 Okay, at the most, it was just some hand stuff, okay? 154 00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:14,411 And it wasn't like a two‐year‐old little clone body. 155 00:06:14,407 --> 00:06:16,107 It was a clone with an adult body 156 00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:18,609 and just had the mind of a two‐year‐old, 157 00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:21,452 which, you know... 158 00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:22,678 is‐‐is better. 159 00:06:22,682 --> 00:06:24,322 ‐ And where were you during all this, Kim? 160 00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:27,817 Accepting your Mother of the Year Award at the Mommies? 161 00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:30,491 [laughter] ‐ Right? 162 00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:31,890 both: Fuck you, Kim. 163 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:32,962 ‐ Yeah, I'm gonna need you 164 00:06:32,959 --> 00:06:34,459 to clear my next three appointments. 165 00:06:34,461 --> 00:06:36,331 We're, uh‐‐we're gonna be here for a while. 166 00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:38,599 ‐ No, you know what? Don't even bother. 167 00:06:38,598 --> 00:06:40,628 The two of you can have each other. 168 00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,844 I'm done with both of you! 169 00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:47,905 ‐ I'm so sorry. I forgot my purse. 170 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,478 You assholes! 171 00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:51,476 [door opens, closes] ‐ Huh. 172 00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:53,878 Oh, my‐‐oh, my God, I'm free. 173 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,650 ‐ Oh, well done, Doctor. You are good. 174 00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:59,450 Havoc, whatever you're paying this guy, he's worth it. 175 00:06:59,452 --> 00:07:00,892 ‐ What? Why am I paying him? 176 00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:03,257 ‐ Oh, come on, man, I'm on a government salary. 177 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,656 All right, I'll tell you what. 178 00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,488 I'll take you out for a drink tonight. 179 00:07:06,493 --> 00:07:08,303 You can be my wingman. 180 00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:11,555 What do you say, Merlin? ‐ Merlin? What? 181 00:07:11,564 --> 00:07:14,134 ‐ You know, Merlin, the‐‐ the wingman from "Top Gun." 182 00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,474 ‐ Merlin? 183 00:07:15,468 --> 00:07:17,768 Who the hell wants to be Merlin from "Top Gun"? 184 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:18,911 What about Goose? 185 00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:21,265 ‐ Goose? You mean the dead guy? 186 00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,284 Okay, you want to be the dead guy 187 00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,506 whose brains get spread all over the glass. 188 00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:27,912 I mean, come on. You want to be Merlin? 189 00:07:27,914 --> 00:07:29,954 I'll be Jester. 190 00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:33,790 ‐ And so, diary, my final thoughts on therapy are‐‐ 191 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,457 [cell phone ringing] Hello? 192 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,615 ‐ Hey, buddy. 193 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,123 You want to, uh‐‐ 194 00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:40,064 you want to go grab those drinks we talked about? 195 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:41,330 ‐ No, you know what? 196 00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:43,898 Brock, I think I'm just gonna call it a night. 197 00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,797 ‐ Oh, okay. 198 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,269 I just‐‐you know, I was just looking for something to do. 199 00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:49,398 Kim kicked me out. 200 00:07:49,402 --> 00:07:50,972 ‐ Out of your own apartment? 201 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,641 ‐ Yeah, she can be pretty persuasive when she yells, 202 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,140 and, boy, does she yell a lot. 203 00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:57,141 Anyway, it's all right. 204 00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:59,153 I'll‐‐I'll figure something out. 205 00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:01,815 ‐ Well, you know, for what it's worth, 206 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:04,515 I like to wrap up my nights writing in a diary. 207 00:08:04,517 --> 00:08:26,937 It kind of helps me decompress after a day like today. 15647

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