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[dramatic music]
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♪ ♪
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‐ Dear Diary.
4
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Well,
tonight was my first date
5
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as a newly single man.
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I got to say,
I had a pretty good time,
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and I think she did too.
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[inhales and exhales]
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I mean, at least...
[sighs]
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right up until she died.
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Wow, pretty empty theater.
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Looks like we kind of
lucked out, huh?
13
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‐ Yeah, I guess.
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‐ Hey, down in front, old man.
15
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Hey.
‐ Uh, okay. All right,
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we're just trying to find
our seats.
17
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Wow, those guys certainly seem
excited to see this movie.
18
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Are you sure you don't want
any popcorn?
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‐ No, no, thanks.
20
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I'm pretty full
from the dinner.
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‐ Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's a pretty big steak
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you had,
which is fine.
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I mean, I'm not‐‐
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I'm not trying to say‐‐
I love steak.
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I'm not complaining
about the money.
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‐ It's fine. Really, it's fine.
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‐ So, Michelle, um...
28
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when, uh, how‐‐where are you‐‐
you from Phoenix?
29
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‐ No, uh, I actually grew up
in Flagstaff.
30
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‐ Oh, is that much different?
31
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‐ No, not really.
32
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‐ Oh. Oh, well.
33
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‐ Oh, man, fuck you,
you fuckin' fucker.
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[laughs]
35
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‐ Wow. Sure do hope they,
36
00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:52,378
uh, quiet down before
the previews start, right?
37
00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:55,049
‐ Well, why don't we just
ask them to be quiet now?
38
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‐ No, no it's‐‐it's fine,
you know.
39
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I'm sure they will settle down.
40
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‐ Man there better be
some tits in this movie.
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Hey, buddy.
42
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,534
Hey, buddy.
43
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Hey, is there tits
in this movie?
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‐ Uh, well, no.
45
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I haven't seen it yet.
46
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So, uh, we're actually
47
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just trying to have
a conversation.
48
00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:16,095
So if you could, you know,
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keep it down,
we'd really appreciate it.
50
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‐ Oh, yeah, no‐‐yeah,
no problem, buddy.
51
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Sorry about my friend here.
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‐ It's fine.
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‐ He's a jerk.
54
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‐ It's fine.
55
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So anyway,
Flagstaff sounds‐‐
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‐ Oh...
[makes fart noise]
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Oh, Dylan, come on, man.
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You know what happens when you
eat all those chicharrones.
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‐ Oh, no. Now I've got 'em too.
60
00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:42,827
‐ He's got them too.
‐ Oh, my God.
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‐ God, you know?
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00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:45,871
You try to be a nice guy
for once,
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you know, being a gentleman,
taking a woman out on a date,
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then you got to deal
with these two idiots.
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‐ No, no, it's fine.
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Jackasses like that never learn.
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You know what?
I'm gonna go
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00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,851
to the bathroom real quick
before the movie starts.
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‐ Okay, then. I'll make sure
no one steals your seat, huh?
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That's...a joke.
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‐ Uh, what's wrong, Gramps?
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Did she get sick of your stories
and leave?
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‐ [laughs]
74
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,929
Oh, man, Dylan, you're
the fuckin' funniest, bro.
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‐ All right.
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00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:18,403
‐ The fuck?
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‐ Hi, guys.
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Okay, let me just tell you
what's happening right now.
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Because you two couldn't
shut the fuck up,
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I've injected you
with a neurotoxin
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that's left you
completely paralyzed.
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00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:32,684
Now, the good news is
your brains
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00:03:32,679 --> 00:03:34,179
are still working perfectly,
which is why you can
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understand what I'm saying
right now.
85
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The bad news is,
this isn't gonna wear off
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for about eight hours.
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00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:42,663
So I really hope you like
this movie, guys,
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because you're gonna be
watching it
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about four fuckin' times.
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Hmm. And you know what?
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Er, just in case
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00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:53,801
someone does find you before
this stuff wears off,
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you're gonna be jerking
each other off. Enjoy that.
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‐ Wow, they're cozy.
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00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,975
‐ Oh, yeah, I guess
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00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:05,747
they decide to settle down
after all.
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00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,746
[light rock music]
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♪ ♪
99
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Wow. You know, I'm a big
Jake Gyllenhaal guy,
100
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but, uh, for whatever reason,
I just cannot get into Maggie.
101
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‐ Really? I‐‐I love Maggie
way more than Jake.
102
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‐ Oh. Well, yeah, I mean, no,
103
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I mean, she's, uh, you know.
104
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Uh, excuse me, buddy.
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I think you just
maybe hit my car.
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‐ Sorry, pal, I'm in a rush.
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‐ Okay, well, uh...
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God damn it.
109
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‐ Are you gonna do something?
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‐ Yeah. Um, well, actually,
you know what?
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Uh, you know, actually,
he did seem like
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he was in a rush, so I'll, uh,
I'll just write him a note.
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Can you just give me one second?
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Uh‐huh.
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Have a nice day.
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All right.
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00:04:56,363 --> 00:04:59,333
So it's, uh, still pretty early.
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Would you wanna grab
a drink or‐‐
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‐ Look, Darren, I, uh,
120
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I don't really think
this is gonna go anywhere.
121
00:05:06,773 --> 00:05:10,043
So we should probably
just call it a night.
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‐ What? Really?
123
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‐ Yeah. You seem really sweet,
like,
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a really nice guy,
but you're not really my type.
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‐ Oh, I'm not, huh?
126
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:20,792
‐ No. Sorry. I just‐‐
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I kind of tend to go for more,
like, bad boys.
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‐ Oh‐‐oh, really?
129
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‐ Yeah. You know,
guys who are a little more
130
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assertive and don't get
pushed around so much.
131
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‐ Well, wait. I don't‐‐
I don't get pushed around.
132
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I mean, look, I'm a bad boy.
133
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I'm the baddest boy.
134
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I'm a goddamn supervillain.
135
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‐ What? Uh, you said you were
a sales rep.
136
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‐ Yeah. I‐‐I just said that.
137
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I don't even know what
a sales rep is.
138
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Look, I'm a goddamn killer.
139
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‐ I find that pretty hard
to believe.
140
00:05:47,113 --> 00:05:51,083
‐ Really? Would a sales rep
have these in his car?
141
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‐ Oh, my God.
Are those M134 miniguns?
142
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‐ God damn right they are.
143
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‐ Holy shit.
144
00:05:59,559 --> 00:06:01,059
‐ Yeah, huh?
145
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:02,501
So how about this?
146
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How about me and you
go for a drive,
147
00:06:04,464 --> 00:06:06,704
and I'll let you shoot
the miniguns for a while?
148
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,140
‐ Oh, fuck yeah.
‐ All right.
149
00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:10,395
But we actually do need
to hurry,
150
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because I put a bomb
on that guy's windshield.
151
00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:15,009
[rapid gunfire]
152
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‐ Whoo‐hoo!
153
00:06:16,776 --> 00:06:19,776
Eat lead, motherfuckers.
Whoo‐hoo!
154
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This is the best day
of my life.
155
00:06:21,681 --> 00:06:23,851
‐ Okay. All right.
156
00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:25,620
Looks like we're all out
of bullets.
157
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,449
‐ Okay, cool.
Let's‐‐let's go get more.
158
00:06:27,454 --> 00:06:29,294
‐ Uh, no. I‐‐I wouldn't worry
about that,
159
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:30,489
we just shot off
about 10,000 rounds.
160
00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:31,630
That's probably plenty.
161
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Uh, look,
this car's got a lot more
162
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than just a pair of guns.
163
00:06:35,528 --> 00:06:36,728
‐ Ooh, like what?
164
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:39,500
‐ Well, uh, you see
that city out there?
165
00:06:39,499 --> 00:06:41,499
‐ Yeah.
166
00:06:41,501 --> 00:06:44,201
Oh, my God.
167
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:45,444
‐ Oh, yeah.
168
00:06:45,438 --> 00:06:48,378
How about a little strobe
for the people?
169
00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:50,705
‐ So what's, like, the worst
thing you've ever done?
170
00:06:50,710 --> 00:06:52,780
‐ Oh, I don't know.
Uh, you know,
171
00:06:52,779 --> 00:06:55,719
I robbed a couple of banks,
threatened a few countries,
172
00:06:55,715 --> 00:06:57,415
had a few run‐ins with the UN.
173
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,487
I probably killed two guys
in that theater.
174
00:06:59,486 --> 00:07:04,456
‐ Wow. So they call this
make‐out point, huh?
175
00:07:05,692 --> 00:07:08,632
‐ Uh, yeah. Yeah,
Yeah, I guess that's, uh,
176
00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:11,428
what the kids are calling it
these days.
177
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,971
‐ Well, after tonight,
178
00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:16,696
they're gonna have to start
calling it fuck mountain.
179
00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:18,743
‐ Oh.
Oh, because,
180
00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:20,668
uh, we're‐‐yeah, yeah.
181
00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:22,984
Hell yeah. All right.
182
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,006
Mmm, hey.
183
00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:26,711
Yeah.
‐ Mmm.
184
00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:27,953
‐ Oh, hey.
185
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,948
‐ [chuckles]
186
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,320
What was that?
187
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:35,058
‐ Oh, uh, I think I may have
just launched a rocket.
188
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:37,785
Oh, yeah, that's probably gonna
kill a few people.
189
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:40,061
‐ Oh, is that a problem?
190
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,800
‐ What, for me? No, no.
For me, that's a Tuesday.
191
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:45,726
‐ Wow, you really are
a supervillain.
192
00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:48,602
‐ Yeah. So, uh,
193
00:07:48,601 --> 00:07:50,971
you wanna get back
to that whole
194
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,441
fuckin' on the mountain thing?
195
00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:54,569
‐ Yeah, but first,
why don't you turn off
196
00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:57,214
those city lights and give us
a little more privacy?
197
00:07:57,210 --> 00:08:20,930
‐ Oh, not a bad idea.
14117
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