All language subtitles for Orange Is The New Black - 6x05 - Mischief Mischief.WEB.STRiFE.en

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Ugh.

Hey, guys. I thought you were
flaming shitbag number four.

Ugh. Gosh. Slam it, Luschek!
Your entire driveway is covered.

- This is my nightmare.
- Ugh.

Yeah. The neighborhood kids started
Mischief Night a day early.

I'm a target 'cause I like to

crush their skate ramps with my car.

- Whoa.
- Come on in. Uh, take your shoes off.

Hey, I know alcohol is a gateway
drug, so I got you a Coke.

Caffeine is also a gateway drug.

Trust me, you're gonna need it.

Alvarez has a way of
putting people to sleep.

Everyone, your attention please.
Before we begin the draft,

I'd like to go over some
standard operating procedures

as well as some adjustments to the

scoring paradigms since last season.

Please refer to page six

in the packet of your folders
in order to follow along.

Oh, I forgot my folder.

We can share, honey.

As always, all point-earning events

must be witnessed by a third-party
CO in order to be counted.

All mid-season trades must be
approved by me, your commissioner.

Also, we have a zero-tolerance
policy for interference,

which includes influencing, coercing,

or manipulating inmate behavior
in order to earn points.

Al, we're all honest here.

As far as scoring changes,
in the sexual category,

scissoring has been bumped to 11
points because it's not a thing.

Oral and digital sex have been
bumped to five points each,

giving or receiving.

Digital? Like cyber?

I think he means fingerbanging.

What about hand-holding?

- Arguably the most intimate act there is.
- Uh, maybe next year.

In the emotional category,
bulimics are one point per vomit.

Suicide has been pushed to
20, failed attempt, ten.

And finally, in the physical category,

gang altercations, now
ten points per inmate.

Murder has been bumped to
30 points, murdered to 25.

Escaped inmate is now 40 points,
but a recapture remains at five.

Pregnancy is nine with twins
as a multiplier, obviously.

Now, in the back of your folder, you
will find a list of inmate names

as well as a roster board for the draft.

These pencils are expensive,

so please return them to me
at the end of the evening.

Or we could use FanDraft.

What's FanDraft?

Yeah. I hacked the software so
I could input the inmate data.

Pretty amazing what you can
accomplish in a flow state.

- Fuck me!
- That's awesome.

I think we found ourselves
a new commissioner.

All in favor?

Yeah.

All he did was input the data
from the folder that I made.

Yeah, but it's futuristic
now. And there's music.

Why don't you have a seat, Al?

Sorry, Al. You had a good
run, but I'm a visual learner.

You should try some of
this chili cheese dip.

It's got a real kick.

♪ And if that diamond ring ♪
♪ Turns brass ♪

♪ Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass ♪

♪ And if that looking glass gets broke ♪

♪ Mama's gonna buy you a nice fur coat ♪

- ♪ And if that... ♪
- It's "billy goat" not "fur coat."

Uh, no, I don't think so. What
would a baby do with a billy goat?

They actually make great pets. Their
screams sound like human screams.

It's very hilarious.

Well, I can tell you that
my baby is gonna have fur.

Vinnie, my husband,

he's already got him a little mini mink.

His cousin is an importer.

You know, when my Andrea
was pregnant the first time,

- ooh, she had terrible insomnia, too.
- Mmm.

She had five babies inside
her. Kept her up all night.

Probably why she ate two of them.

Did you just say she ate them?

Only two. At first I thought
they just ran away,

but then I found pieces.

Foot here, ear there. I get it.

Being a mother is thankless
work. Want to meet her?

Normally I wouldn't, but
she's pregnant again.

Maybe you can support each other.

There you are.

Oh, my God. That is disgusting.

Oh. Why? It's just life. If
you're going to have a baby,

you better get used to seeing
much worse than this. Trust me.

The one with the white ear is Andrea.

And those are her kids
cuddling with her.

I call them the Leftovers.

- This is a food joke. Mmm.
- Ah.

I guess they are kind of
cute... in a disgusting way.

Go on. They don't bite.

Actually, that's a lie. They
do bite. Really freaking hard.

Hi!

And senior vice president certainly
comes with its challenges.

I mean, the press on this
thing's been a nightmare.

Not to mention getting
everyone to cooperate.

Oh.

Luckily, I do have experience from
my past in rescuing an image.

Our sorority almost lost its charter.

I bet. Love the wig, by the way.

Oh, thank you. Real human
hair, courtesy of MCC.

I'd let you touch it,

but with all the lice in the
prisons, you can't be too careful.

Uh-huh.

I'm not normally a merlot girl,
but this Napa Valley is gorgeous.

Sure you don't want some?

Was there something specific you
wanted to talk to me about?

Or did you call me in after
hours for a wine tasting?

Uh, look, Natalie, I called you here

because I wanted to get
started on the right foot.

I don't wanna be one of those bosses

who's cruel and condescending

- to her female subordinates.
- Mmm.

I would like to foster a positive
working relationship with MCC,

not the contentious one

that your predecessor, Joe
Caputo, was so committed to.

Well, I'm not Joe.

We approach things very
differently, he and I.

Good, 'cause that man
was a massive liability.

His incompetence led to a
prison riot, for God's sake.

Not to mention his ethics,
or lack of, I should say.

I know he conspired to keep
me in the prison for days

even though he knew there was an
extra inmate in the final count.

Actually, the final count was one short

until we found escaped inmate Chang,

sleeping inside a
hollowed-out deer carcass.

Then Joe must have fudged the numbers,

because how else did I wind up in Ohio

with a crotch full of pubic lice?

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, I know. Despicable, right?

Joe is an asshole. I fucked
him, too, several times.

Terrible person. But he
didn't fudge the numbers.

The final count was even,

which means we have even
bigger problems here.

So, you... You two...
That son of a bitch.

If you replaced an inmate
in the final count,

then the inmate that you
replaced was never counted.

Let us recall the
oh-so-tempting giant hole

in the prison's fence.

Someone needs to call a manhunt.
I need to call a manhunt.

Actually, that's my job,

but it looks like your PR nightmare
is just getting started.

Oh, and sorry about
the lice, by the way.

Joe always did like a full bush.

Ooh!

Someone owes us another round.

I spent all my money
on loaded funnel cake.

Come on. A bet's a bet, bro.

All right. Three more, please.

Man, I'd let those two handle my balls.

- Don't you only got the one?
- It's a figure of speech.

Yeah. I would love to put
my penis inside her vagina.

Or butt.

Yeah, butts are the new
vaginas, if you ask me.

Damn right. I second that.

Wait. Isn't your wife's butt
off-limits since the surgery?

- Tonight on King9 News...
- Will you shut the fuck up?

... a statewide manhunt is
underway for a missing inmate

who escaped from the Litchfield
minimum security women's prison

during the recent unrest.

The suspect is said to have been
serving a nine-year sentence

for aggravated assault
with a deadly weapon.

State police are urging people
to call in with any information

they may have regarding
this person's whereabouts,

and King9 News would like
to remind our viewers,

please, if you do see this
potentially violent individual,

do not take the law into your own hands.

Fuckable.

Also in the hour, getting
toilet paper out

of your trees the smart way...

Let's just head back. Come on.

What? Why? It sounds like they're
just figuring this out now.

That means we got at least
a couple weeks on 'em.

That's plenty of time to
get across to Canada.

Look, I've tried to run before.
But they'll catch us.

Unless you kill yourself.
Then you can die free.

Sorry.

So, what? You're just
gonna turn yourself in?

After I busted my ass gettin'
you all the way out here?

Not trying to seem ungrateful.

I'm just like... My face is
all over the TV screens.

I need to go back. I need
to finish out my sentence

if I ever wanna live a normal life.

I'm cooped up in here.

- No. Where are you going, huh?
- Ow!

- Stop! Just... Someone will see you.
- What?

You stay here!

You're hurting me. Stop. Please.

I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have grabbed you. I'm sorry.

Look, you just said you wanted
to have a normal life, right?

And you can have that.
With me. In Canada.

Health care is free!
And I can support us.

I can do everything. You won't
even have to leave the house.

- That sounds like prison again.
- That's not what I meant.

What if we get caught?

Are you trying to tell
me you're willing to

put everything aside and go to prison?

If it means I got a shot with you,
then fuck it. I don't care. Okay?

It's less than 100 miles to the border.

And we can hike right past
it through Wood Falls.

There is an old campsite I used
to go to as a kid up there.

It's beautiful.

Didn't you say you always wanted
us to go camping together? Yeah?

You have a tent?

Maybe. I can check in the trunk.

There ain't a tent in that trunk,

because I would have felt it. Trust me.

I'm just gonna check.
I'll be right back.

We can ditch him right now.

No. I can't do that. I'm not
gonna leave him high and dry.

I get it. I've seen
Sleeping with the Enemy.

Some ladies like a man
that bosses them around.

Hell, sometimes the only way I can
get off is with a foot on my face.

No. It's not even like that, okay?

Whatever floats your boner boat.

Oh, that's my Uber.

You leavin'? Wait.

Fuck.

There's no tent. I'll make a lean-to.

Where'd he go?

I guess caffeine really is a gateway
drug. Okay, Blake, your go.

Okay. Um... um...

Carol Denning.

Oh, rookie mistake. The
two queenpin sisters,

they keep their noses cleaner
than a porn star's asshole.

Plus, C and D block, they haven't
had a real bout in years.

Only a matter of time.

This prison's wealth gap
is not sustainable.

I guess somebody listened to a podcast.

Okay, Blake. You pick
again. We're snakin'.

Uh...

Barbara Denning.

Give me that.

- Dayanara Diaz.
- Ooh, the guard killer.

I got a thing for her mom. Plus,
night crying is three points.

Two points, actual...

But, you know, I'm not the
commissioner anymore, so...

Aw! Moving right along. Virginia?

Piper Chapman.

Seriously? What do you
want with Piper Chapman?

That's none of your
motherfracking business.

Wow, Ginge, that's
pretty close to cursing.

We don't want an incident
like last year, do we?

I know, I know. I let the
poop hit the fan last year.

Okay. Stefanovic?

I'll take Nicky Nichols.

Fuck! Mother... Shit!

Nice. I hear she's a real pussy slayer.

- Fuck!
- Solid pick.

You guys... what if Joseph
Smith made it all up?

McCullough, your turn.

Maria Ruiz.

Oh, fucking mess. Mischief Night
isn't supposed to be until tomorrow.

What the hell is Mischief Night, anyway?

Where I come from, we
celebrate Halloween and

Halloween only, like Americans.

Yeah, well... it's an East Coast thing.

But people take this shit serious.

Something crazy always goes down.

Last year a bunch of
girls got Bloody Mary'd.

What's that?

When you rub a used pad on
someone's face while she's sleeping.

Next morning, ladies were going nuts

thinkin' they were marked by the devil.

Or 'cause someone rubbed
period blood on their face.

But either way, lots of shrieking.

I don't believe any of that ghost
shit. Except the Holy Ghost.

- And God and Jesus. And the Virgin Mary.
- They're here, you know.

My girl Rita said she
saw the whole posse

one night in the guard bathroom.

She had a vision.

Did I say somethin' funny, cookie?

Ain't nothing scary about ghosts.
It's people you gotta look out for.

You should be lookin' out. I
hear bitches are comin' for you.

Come on, let's go clean the breakroom.

I don't like this one's mopey face.

Mopey's nothin'. Wait till
somebody smashes it in.

That's when it's gonna
be hard to look at.

I can't believe I'm awake right now.

Yeah, I just drank two 5-hour Energies,

so I should be good
for, like, ten hours.

Inmate Nichols, time for work.

Hey, come on. Hey, what could possibly

need cleaning at this ungodly hour?

Nicky!

Hey, neighbor.

I think I saw a tit grab.
That's a point.

Break it up. Break it up!

I'm so glad you're okay.

"Okay" is definitely on the
list of things I am not,

but I am happy to see your
psychotic cherub face.

All right. Mops, buckets,
frowns. Let's go.

So, what happened out there?
Did they give you more time?

They tried, but I was able
to weasel my way out.

All it took was reconnecting with
my broken condom of a father

and then condemning
the first human being

who ever truly cared about me.

So, went well.

Oh, you mean Red. Why?
What's gonna happen to her?

I don't know. They want
her to burn for the riot,

and I just handed them the
torch to save my own ass.

Well, if it makes you feel any
better, all of us who surrendered,

we didn't get any extra time,
right? So... thanks to you...

I surrendered. It kinda evens
out when you think about it.

Well, I'm not sure it
exactly works that way,

but I appreciate the effort.

No, Nicky, you can't blame yourself.

It's every man for themselves.
See, I joined a gang.

We're called D block,
and we hate C block

because they got the good
job and feather pillows,

and because of what happened
last Valentine's Day,

no one's allowed to celebrate anymore.

I am familiar with the arbitrary,
pod-based gang warfare

from my last staycation down here.

You know, I cannot say that it
ends well for those involved.

Probably not the best idea for that
fetus growing inside you, yeah?

Oh, trust me, the gang thing is the
easiest part of this pregnancy.

I had no idea about the discharge,
my nipples the size of helipads.

And the insomnia. Oh, the insomnia.

I was awake all night playing
with my bunkie's pet rats.

Jeez, Lorna, rats are
disease-carrying vermin.

They're gonna give your baby
microcephali, or macrocephali.

The point is, the goal is,
you want normal cephali.

Nicky, I've missed you.

I missed you, too. Tell me more about
these helipad nipples you have.

- Like, how big are we talking?
- Huge.

Good... morning, Litchfield Max!

Rise and shine, and welcome
to another crisp October day.

Tomorrow is Halloween, which
means tonight is Mischief Night.

And I know some of you feel

like this is your chance to
exorcise your inner demons,

but I urge you to ask yourself,

"Is that really...

the kind of energy I want to
be putting out into the world?

What if, instead, I spent the day
performing acts of kindness?"

Maybe surprise someone with a
non-sexual favor for them,

or giving them a non-sexual
body compliment,

or letting them know that they
have dried blood on their face.

I wish someone had let me know
that. Nobody told me until lunch.

And by that time, my T-zone was
already starting to break out...

Happy Mischief Day, roomie!

What the fuck?

Good old cheese-in-the-nose
prank. Gets 'em every time.

Putting cheese in someone's
nose is not a prank.

Well, let's see. Made at least
one person laugh. Ha! Me.

Made at least one person sad. You.
Sounds like a prank to me.

I can't hear anything
that you're saying.

Oh, yeah, I, uh... I put
some in your ears, too.

Is it a prank now?

Not so fast, snaggletooth.

I'm gonna need you to
fill my commissary today.

But I don't have any money.

Nice try. Too bad a little
birdie named Stella

told me all about you
and your privileged ass

before she flew the coop.

If I had to hear the
name Piper one more time

I would've strangled her.

You must've really made her mad.

Anyway, you owe me for putting
your new girlfriend next door.

- It's only fair.
- We did not ask you to do that.

But I did it, so you owe me.

Or do you wanna get tough about it?

Fine. I'll do it.

That woman is a fucking nightmare.

Good morning to you, too.

She put cheese in my face.

That's not even a real
prank. Who does that?

Plus, she wants me to fill her
commissary. This is full-on extortion.

Can we take it down a couple notches?

My arm killed me all night
and I haven't slept.

I hate this place.

Bosses, gang warfare, extortion.

Since when are we living
in The Godfather?

Murphy's Irish, so it's
more The Departed.

Don't they all get shot in
the face at the end of that?

Doesn't sound very promising.

Listen, she's trying to
establish herself as alpha.

Might as well roll onto your back
and let her sniff your genitals.

Next week she'll get bored and find
some other beta bitch to pick on.

I can only handle so
much genital sniffing.

- Now I'm going to go handle cheese.
- Hmm.

As a treat. You gonna come?

Can't. I'm infirm.

So I'll meet you in the yard?

Look at us. Meeting for recess.

Is that Gruyère?

Nah. Too nutty.

That wasn't what I think it was, was it?

That depends. Did you think it
was a dead woman on a cart?

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. You didn't... did you?

'Course not.

I know better than to off a good
cellmate. She was clean and quiet,

and especially after she died.

The last three days have been
heavenly. Minus the smell.

Yeah. I know death is a
part of the circle of life.

It's in every Disney movie and
some Pixar movies like Up,

and some movies like Stepmom.

But death gives me the gloomy-doomies.

Can you give me some space
here? I'm trying to grieve.

Mommy says that the best
thing for the gloomy-doomies

is to be with friends, but
I don't have any here.

Who are your friends, bunker lady?

All I got is enemies these days.

I could request to be your roommate.

It's good to have company
when you grieve.

It's what the Jews call a, um,
a shiver. So you don't get cold.

Yeah, no offense,

but I'd rather be locked in a
cage with a swarm of bees.

Is that a no? Some people love bees.

No. Hey, it's almost outside time.

I've noticed that you always
skip outside time like I do.

I've always wanted to go, but I
was never great at playground.

Maybe, you and I, we can go together.

Like friends. Not a date.

Look, I'm not your damn prison mommy.

You want friends, go make 'em yourself.

If you're not gonna go,
then I'm not gonna go.

You do what you want,
but don't do it in here.

Get out of my cell

before they have to carry
you out on a stretcher.

So... they squealed on you, too, hmm?

I guess it's just us now.

The Russian and the black. Like
villains in a bad '80s action movie.

Or any action movie.

My girls ain't snitches.

And yet here you are.

How did you do it?

I mean, it was so dark after
they blew that door open.

And all that screaming.

I didn't kill anybody.

We both watched him walk
out of that room alive.

And when they stormed, I
was dragged out in cuffs.

Okay, so if you didn't kill
him and I didn't kill him,

who the fuck did?

Oh, I don't know for sure
you didn't kill him.

I didn't kill him.

I suppose it doesn't matter now.

They want us to go down, regardless
of what we did or didn't do.

I ain't going down for shit I didn't do.

And I ain't spending the rest of
my life in this fucked-up place.

It's funny.

After so many years, it starts
to feel like your home.

And that these people are your family.

Until you stop being useful.

Then poof. They're gone.

And you remember that
this is not your home

and that you are alone here.

Well, at least you got a
real family waiting for you.

Inmates, let's go.

Oh. Check, check, check it
out. Your MVP is all alone.

Might be a good time to toss her.
Could get a day cry out of it.

I thought we weren't
supposed to interfere.

Nah. It's not interfering
if you're doing your job.

Trust me, you don't want
to be playing catch up.

Hopper's already got ten
points on a Bloody Mary.

Up, inmate.

Against the wall. I'm tossing your cell.

- But I don't have anything...
- Get up. Now.

Fuck.

This is some bullshit.

Hey.

Hey.

Is that a book?

I think you could call it that,

what with the pages and
words between two covers.

Funny. Good so far?

Did you need something?

I was just saying hey.

We're disability buddies,
after all. How's the smell?

It's fine. It's a sling, not a cast.

I broke my shoulder as a kid.

After a few weeks the
sling started to smell

like my brother Sean's hockey jock.

Not that I... sniffed my
brother's jock strap.

Just happened to get a whiff of it

while I was covering it in Tiger
Balm to burn his nuts off.

Yeah, I heard you're
quite the prankster.

I try to keep it fun around here.
That gonna be a problem?

Not for me, but the
fiancée's a little uptight.

Oh, you should've seen her. She
had steam coming out of her ears.

Once she got the cheese out.

You should see her ask for a manager.

You got jokes. I could
tell. I'm funny, too.

Yeah. Pranks are funny.
Extortion? Hmm, less so.

Depends on your sense of humor.

Look, I get it. You're
top dog around here.

I respect that.

But Piper is pretty
unbearable when she's upset,

which makes my life a living hell.

So how about she fills
your commissary this time,

and you agree to lay off her?

For my sake, not hers.

Normally, I'd tell you
to go fuck yourself,

but lucky for you, Mischief
Day is a very special day

for people with my personality type.

Does that mean we have a deal?

Consider it another
one of my good deeds.

It's important to have
good karma, you know?

I'll keep that in mind.

Mmm. Ooh.

This is rotten.

It's supposed to be like that.
Never heard of blue cheese?

It's great in a pecan
scone or pear tartlet

or stuffed in a date wrapped in
bacon. I took a cheese class once.

White people go to some
weird-ass schools, man.

Pendejas.

Psst. So, I got a plan.

Oh, relax. It was just a stupid prank.

No, not about them, boba.
Ruiz is back in gen pop.

I say we strike first,
before she makes her move.

She knows we sold her out.

And it worked. She's fucked. So
I'm good. I'm done striking.

It's a miracle we didn't get extra
time after I jumped her ass.

Oh, let sleeping bitches lie.

Oh, that bitch don't sleep.

You know she's out there
coming up with ways

to take us down as we speak.

Look, um, if you want
to do some stupid shit

and get sent back to Ad Seg, go ahead.

Nobody's stopping you.

We don't gotta do nothing. We
let them bitches do it for us.

We let them know she's the one

who freed the guards
during the riot. Hmm?

Let the rest take care of itself.

All right. That's
it for today. Wrap it up.

Faster you clean, the faster
you get out to the yard.

I'm watching you, Chapman.

It's like a middle
school dance out here.

We're on the right side. I hear
D block is full of lesbians.

At least C block has some
family values. Oh. Hey, look.

We're not supposed to talk 'cause
we're wearing different colors,

but I wanted to say hi.

How you hanging there? I see
you got rid of that limp.

I took some ibuprofen.

You look good.

I'm far from good, trust me.
But the pain is better.

That one giving you any trouble?

No. Mostly sleeps all day,

kinda like one of those dogs
that's gonna die real soon.

I told you. She's up to something.

So, how's opening day treating you?

A girl spat on Beth Hoefler. You know,
baby killer? She's one of mine.

Nice. How many points is that again?

Two. And I'm keeping my own records.

Not that I doubt our new commissioner.

What about you? Any action?

No. Day's still young.

Hey, did you see that?
Chapman. Eleven o'clock.

Something's up with her.

She looks pretty normal to me.
Except she keeps smelling her hands.

Something's definitely up.

I think I should go talk
to her. You stay here.

Where else would I go?

- Hey, Chapman. I saw that.
- What did I do?

Oh, my God. Is that my tooth?

No, it's an acrylic replica.
Yes, it's your tooth.

- This is amazing.
- There's no such thing as a free lunch.

You gotta give something
to get something.

You scratch my back, I scratch yours.

This isn't exactly back scratching

if you're holding a piece
of my body hostage.

What do you want?

I want you to start something.
An altercation, preferably.

With that one, in khaki.

What? No.

You like looking like a jack-o'lantern?

Because you'll never get that
fixed while you're in here.

Inmates have died waiting for fillings.

Ruiz and I have a history.
It's complicated...

She's the only one without a posse.

You don't want to get jumped, do you?

This is entrapment.

Don't worry about it. I'll make sure
there's no fallout on you or her.

And I'll break it up right away before
she gets any serious punches in.

Oh...

Make sure you yell something
really mean beforehand.

Like, "stupid dum-dum" or
something. Just make it loud.

Fuck it.

Long time no see, Chapman.

I'm really sorry, but I need my tooth.

You stupid dum-dum!

Whoa, whoa!

Break it up! Chapman!
What did I just say?

That's it. Your rec time's
over. Come on. Come on.

Was that a gang altercation?

Told you. I know a toxic
person when I see one.

Good afternoon. My name is
Suzanne. What's your name?

I said, my name is Suzanne.

Who's Anne?

No. My name is Suzanne.

I don't know any Anne.

Ask them.

Uh...

Sorry to bother you guys,
but do you know an Anne?

Hey.

The floor is lava.

I knew it!

I knew it.

- Psst. What's that?
- Oh.

Not sure.

What's the word for a bundle
of sticks? Starts with an "F."

- Bring it over here.
- I can't. The floor is lava.

- Mmm, whoa, whoa.
- It's okay. I'm wearing asbestos boots.

Oh.

Ooh, ooh. Careful. It's hot.

Hello, Joe.

Nice digs. Long way
from Purchasing, huh?

You wanted to see me?

I did.

May I?

- First off, I want to say how sorry...
- Save it.

Okay. In that case, I'm here
to discuss Tasha Jefferson.

She was one of the leaders of the riot.

She negotiated on behalf
of the other inmates.

I'm aware. I was there, remember?

Are you aware the feds are charging her

with second degree murder for
the death of Piscatella?

A murder she most
certainly did not commit.

I am sure that the FBI is more
than capable of determining

the consequences of the riot.

Come on, Linda. We both
know they don't care.

They are crucifying her
to cover their ass,

instead of figuring out what
actually happened down there.

What do you expect me to do about it?

Have MCC launch their own
separate investigation.

- Mmm-hmm.
- The feds have too much on their plate.

They're rushing this to get to a
verdict the press would like.

Look, Joe, this isn't my department
and, quite frankly, I don't care.

How can you say that?

With the same moral turpitude

that allowed you to leave me
rotting in Ohio for nearly a week.

- Linda, I am sorry...
- Fuck you, Joe!

I don't accept your bullshit apologies.

Oh, and by the way, I met your
little side-piece, Natalie.

She looks like a camel.
Is that your thing?

I have a wide range.

You're disgusting.

Mmm-hmm.

Like I said, there's nothing I
can do to help your friend.

It's not my department.

But what is my department is
overseeing personnel placement.

I see you've recently
submitted an application

for your old job back as warden.

I did.

Well, you're obviously
incapable of being

the warden over at Litchfield.

But I do have an opening over
at Missouri State Penitentiary.

You could start this week.

Missouri State? Missouri State is
the place where wardens go to die.

The only reason there's an opening there

is the last guy committed suicide.

- You're trying to bury me.
- Damn right, I am.

So you can either take the
job and submit quietly

or I could see you in court.

- Court? Were we fucking married?
- I agreed not to file against MCC,

but there is still the civil
case I could file against you

for the heinous negligence
that left me in the system

despite you knowing full
well that I was a civilian.

You are worse than Natalie.

I'll consider that a
yes to Missouri, then?

And also a compliment.

- Sounds like I don't have a choice.
- You don't.

As you know, you will have to undergo
a full psychiatric evaluation

before you return to work.

Also, I have a few interview
questions we need to run through,

mostly as a formality.

Question number one.

Can you remember a time in your life

when you kept a promise to someone?

Anyone?

- This is bad news.
- Yeah.

Back in my day, B block
was neutral territory.

I guess some of these
ladies can't kick a habit.

Can I have it back now?

Oh, I think it's best if I
hold on to it for safekeeping.

Okay.

I didn't want to do this, but...

I think I'm gonna have to
invoke finders keepers.

These are deadly weapons.

Not a toy.

Strongly disagree.

These are fence posts
for building a fort.

Why else would the ends
be sharpened? Hello?

To shove in someone's ear
and puncture their brain.

Or to turn their eyeballs
into shish kebabs.

Or put a few holes in their windpipe.

Now, trust me...

I've seen it done...
while I was doing it.

Well, there is also the double shove
up the nose to pull out the brain.

Exactly.

Someone in here intends
to hurt somebody,

and I have a feeling
that somebody is me.

I hope they don't end up
in the same cell as you.

That would be suspenseful.

Well, there's one way to
make sure that don't happen.

You mean me?

Uh, still want to be roommates?

Would that make us friends?

Sure. Why not?

Oh!

This isn't working.

Maybe we should just keep going.

We been going all day,
and you promised me

we were gonna do camping things.

Well, these bricks are a scam, okay?

How do you call it a fire-starter
if it can't start a fire?

They're not a scam,
silly. They won't catch.

Wood can't catch fire when
it's in a stack like this.

- It needs...
- I just need a minute. I got it!

Tell me how to start a fire...

God! Damn it!

- The fuck? Chill out!
- Shit!

- Chill out? I just... I burnt my hand!
- You're in a really fucking scary mood.

I'm allowed to be stressed out.

Okay? This is a very high-stress
situation that we're in.

You think I don't know that?

Last I looked, they were looking for me.

Okay? You don't need
to kick shit around.

I'm sorry, okay? I didn't
mean to scare you.

You're always fucking sorry.

Literally. You're sorry
about something every day.

Look, I know I'm not perfect, all right?

But I am trying really, really hard.

So maybe you could be just a
little more patient with me.

Or maybe you're just wasting your time.

- What do you mean?
- I don't know what I mean. I just...

Just, my mom was right.
She always said that

certain people have, like, um...

like, patterns, you know?

That... She would tell me some
people will never change,

because they're just wired a certain
way and not to even bother.

And you know what? Maybe she
was right. I don't know, like...

Things will be easier once we get
across the border. I promise.

Crossing a border doesn't
make you a different person.

I am a different person,
Doggett, because of you.

I'm out here in the middle of
nowhere, hiding from the cops,

burning my goddamn hand
because of you, Doggett.

If you told me a year ago this is
where I'd be, I would've laughed.

But here I am, right?

It takes work, but people can change.

They just... They got to
make the decision to change

and then do whatever it
takes to make it real.

The way I see it,

everybody's just one hard decision away

from having a whole different life.

That's what this is. This is a
chance at a whole new life.

- Yeah.
- I thought that's what you wanted.

I'm tired.

- I'm tired, too.
- Hmm.

So could we just not make your
specialty schmear gem s'mores?

Yeah. Actually, I got a backup plan.

Right?

Yeah, how much to move a
two-bedroom to Missouri?

Yes, Missouri.

What? I mean...

Jesus. What if I get rid of some shit?

How much to move a one-bedroom?

Jesus Christ. You gotta be kidding me.

I mean, your ad says
movers, not extortionists.

Yes, I said extortion.

Never mind. Please. Never mind.

Fucking miserable cunt.

Hello?

An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison

is attempting to contact you.

To accept this call, please press one.

I haven't heard from you.

Taystee?

You said you were gonna
see what you could do.

And I did.

I met with the senior
vice president of MCC.

All right, what did he say?

And she said it wasn't her department.

What the fuck does that mean?

It means I can't help
you, Taystee. I'm sorry.

I tried. I got no juice on this one.

There's got to be something
else you can do.

Like, help me find a good lawyer
so I can fight this thing.

I don't know any good lawyers.

Maybe if I did, I wouldn't have
to move to fucking Missouri.

You're moving? To Missouri?

It's a long story.

You said you would help me.

I tried to help you. Repeatedly.

Do you remember me sitting across
from you in my boxer shorts,

after you locked me in
a shithole for two days?

That was me trying to help you!

If you would've listened then,

we wouldn't be having this
conversation right now.

So that's it, then? You gonna
let me go down like that?

Look, Taystee, you clearly do not do
what other people want you to do.

You do what you wanna do.

You say you wanna fight this?
Then go ahead and fight it.

You don't need a fancy lawyer for that.

I'm just done. I'm done!

Hey. Daddy, right?

I'm sorry, do I know you?

Ruiz. Just got in a few days ago.

Ruiz. Ruiz.

You're one of those pumpkins
from up the hill, yeah?

Looks like Max gave you a warm welcome.

Guards roughed us up real
bad after what happened.

I got something to help with
that if you got the cash for it.

No, I'm good. Actually, I was thinking,
um, that I could help you out.

Why would I need help from a new fish?

I heard you had some beef with C block.

You hear that, huh?

I swear, people always be
hearing shit around this place.

No disrespect.

I got my own shit to work
out with some of them

if you need another player.

That's really interesting.

'Cause, see, what I hear is
that Ruiz is the one who turned

and let the guards out
to save her own ass.

Like I said, people hear shit.

So thanks, but no thanks.

And just between us,

I think you got off lucky fuckin'
with a bunch of cookies.

That shit would've happened here,

we would have cut your tits
off and worn them... as tits.

Good to meet you, Ruiz. And cover
that bruise up. It looks weird.

- Hey, look what the cat coughed up.
- Hey.

- Thought I saw the last of you, Nichols.
- No.

Nah, I missed you too much.

Plus, couldn't let you have
these girls to yourself.

I mean, hey, what's life
without a little competition?

Are you staying clean?

Yes.

Yeah.

You still waging war on the
backs of drug-addled minions?

Maybe. Maybe not.

I guess you'll have to wait and see.

- What ya doin', Pipes?
- Shit. You scared me.

It won't stick.

- I think I need dental glue.
- Is that your tooth?

Yeah. That Ginger guard
made me fight Ruiz for it.

- You fought Ruiz?
- It was more like a hair-pull.

It was kind of weird.

It was like... the guards
had a bet or something.

Well, probably. I mean, it is
Mischief Night, after all.

Where were you, anyway? You were
supposed to meet me out there.

I spent the holiday celebrating
with your roommate.

We actually did this really funny thing

where we filled some girl's
Oreos with toothpaste.

She ate all of them anyway.

I think she thought they
were mint-flavored.

You spent the day with that evil person?

Relax, Piper. I did it for you.

I asked her to leave you alone and
she agreed, so... problem solved.

Problem not solved.

Now you are gonna owe her instead of me.

You just shifted the
focus from me to you.

Or maybe I made a friend
where you had an enemy.

Also, if we're gonna keep fighting,
you should put in your tooth.

Otherwise, I'm gonna laugh.

But it won't stick.

All right. Jesus.

All right, come here.

- Say, "Ah."
- Ah.

Or you could shove them
under someone's tongue.

Or you could stick someone
in their belly button.

Although, I have heard some people's

belly buttons are a tunnel to nowhere.

And belly buttons tend to smell.

And then your stick would be all smelly.

There's the kidney punctures,

liver puncture, spleen puncture,
all the organ punctures.

Or you could do sticky things
with the nether regions.

Wait, both nether regions.

I haven't thought of the nether regions.

That's a whole 'nother category.

Rough night? You and the rat pack
hit up a titty bar or something?

They're gone, Nicky.

Who's gone?

Nutella, Briar, Julius.

All of 'em. They're all gone.

Maybe they ran away because
their names are so fucking weird.

That is not funny. They're just kids.

Mmm-hmm.

What does the, uh, rat
whisperer say about it?

I think she thinks that Andrea
has eaten her kids again.

Mystery solved. Filicide. That's
when a parent kills their child.

I know my parents are guilty of it.

Not in the literal sense, of course.

But, you know, still, I would argue that

they probably have quite a lot in common

with Mama Andrea Rat.

Hey, you two.

- You're on mop duty with us.
- Man, come on.

You really need, uh, four
people to mop one room?

You questioning my cleaning strategy?

Oh, no, ma'am. Cleanliness is godliness.

Good morning, all you
ghosts and ghouls out there.

Today is Halloween, and
you know what that means.

You mind just, like, turning
it down a little bit?

I'm having trouble hearing the
suicidal voice in my head.

Oh, that's too bad. I like Cathy.
Her talking relaxes me.

You find that relaxing? Were you, um...

Were you raised by farm animals?

Hey. Less talking, more
shutting the fuck up.

See? He's on my side.

Blue sweaters.

Red sweaters.

- Much better, thank you.
- Beige sweaters. Black sweaters.

Her voice kinda sounds
like Nutella's, actually.

- I think I can almost hear him.
- I hear something, too.

White sweaters.

Off-white sweaters. Brown sweaters.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Nutella!

- Shh.
- Okay, last looks. Time to...

Help me!

- Nobody move.
- They're killing me!

- Hopper. Hopper, come in.
- Help me!

That's our cue.

Lazlo! Augustine! Come here, baby.

- Dump your buckets.
- No, thanks.

Nicky, you gotta do it.

Do it. Should I tell Daddy
you refused orders?

Do it, Nicky.

You don't want to be on his bad side.
Or her bad side. Whatever it is.

- Fuck me.
- Nicky!

Everyone follow me now
in an orderly fashion.

At least now they are free.

And they have all the
cheese they could want.

- You hear that?
- Of course I heard it.

What should we do? Supposed
to take them to their shift.

Hopper's on it. I'm
taking mine to D block.

Take yours to the packing warehouse.

They'll let us know when they
figure out what that was.

Copy that.

Any idea who picked up Chatty Cathy?

No idea. I think she
might be a free agent.

Thank God.

Okay, ladies. Get to packing
until we tell you otherwise.

Let's, uh... Can we clean...

Clean this. Clean those.

Son of a mother!

Fucker!

Everyone remain calm!

Uh, the cheese has not been harmed.

Uh, we'll wash it off.
Nobody saw anything.

Excuse me, I'm here to surrender.

What did you do, son? Get into
some mischief last night?

Yeah, something like that. Yeah.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
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