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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:05,273 Ooh, what about the line where the guy says, 2 00:00:05,373 --> 00:00:07,075 "Dude, where's my car?" 3 00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:08,409 (laughter) 4 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:09,843 Oh, yeah! 5 00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:11,579 I forgot that line. 6 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,881 So classic. 7 00:00:13,981 --> 00:00:15,949 He's like, "Uh, dude?" 8 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,186 "Where's my car?" 9 00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:20,288 (laughter) 10 00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:21,689 Enough! 11 00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,691 Look, I love Dude, Where's My Car? 12 00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,093 as much as all of you. 13 00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,727 -Impossible. -And there is certainly 14 00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:29,530 no greater line of dialogue in cinema history 15 00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:31,299 than that titular line. 16 00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:34,268 Okay, maybe you are a true fan. 17 00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:37,037 But I am trying to study for the P-PSATs. 18 00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:39,973 Well, you already got the first question wrong, Gine-Stein. 19 00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:42,076 It's called the PSATs. 20 00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:45,613 No, Hayley, I'm taking the pre-pre-SATs, 21 00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:48,282 because you can never be too pre-prepared. 22 00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,917 Which is why, this weekend, 23 00:00:50,017 --> 00:00:51,719 I'll be at the downtown testing center -- 24 00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:54,422 Oh, no. There's no way my only boy child 25 00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:56,957 and the keeper of the Smith family name is going downtown. 26 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,326 It's too dangerous. 27 00:00:58,426 --> 00:00:59,727 Haven't you heard of Jack the Ripper? 28 00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:00,894 That was in London. 29 00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,896 Yeah, downtown London. 30 00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:06,400 Steve, downtown is always the most dangerous part of any city. 31 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:07,935 That's why they push it down. 32 00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:10,438 But if I don't take the P-PSATs, 33 00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:12,173 my life will amount to nothing. 34 00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,774 Steve, you'll be fine. 35 00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:14,808 I didn't take any of those tests. 36 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,444 Exactly. 37 00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:18,612 I don't want to be a loser who was twice kicked off 38 00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:20,748 a city bus for watching Monday Night Raw 39 00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:22,082 too loud on her cellphone. 40 00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:23,651 Hey, that happened to me. 41 00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:26,154 Wha-- Are you talking about me, you little jerk? 42 00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:28,756 Steve's right. He's this family's last hope. 43 00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:30,491 We need him to succeed. 44 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,526 Hayley, you have to drive him to the test. 45 00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:34,428 I'd do it, but Saturdays are for me. 46 00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:36,830 I don't want to hang out with this dork all Saturday. 47 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:39,633 Besides, I give Jeff a bath on Saturdays. 48 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:41,769 Nyo! 49 00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:43,304 I'm sorry, Hayley, your request 50 00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:45,373 to not drive Steve has been denied. 51 00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:47,541 Jeff can shower with me on Friday night. 52 00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:50,811 Now, to prepare you two, it's time for my patented rules 53 00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:52,813 for surviving downtown. 54 00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:56,317 * Stan's patented rules for surviving downtown * 55 00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:58,319 First rule -- when you get downtown, 56 00:01:58,419 --> 00:02:00,688 keep your eyes on the ground and your head on a swivel. 57 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,156 If my eyes are on the ground, 58 00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:03,657 how do I keep my head on a swivel? 59 00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:05,193 Doesn't matter, because the third rule 60 00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:07,528 is to do helicopter arms, like this. 61 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,130 -Aah! -Fourth rule -- 62 00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:12,466 if anyone gets close to you, swallow your wallet. 63 00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,735 Then, when they reach their whole arm down your throat, 64 00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,304 you can bite it off. 65 00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:18,739 And that's how you protect your Ricky Mountain 66 00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:21,575 Fudge Chocolate Shoppe Rewards Card. 67 00:02:24,412 --> 00:02:26,747 * Good morning, U.S.A. * 68 00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:30,584 * I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day * 69 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:33,754 * The sun in the sky has a smile on his face * 70 00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:38,158 * And he's shinin' a salute to the American race * 71 00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:43,431 * Oh, boy, it's swell to say * 72 00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,833 -* Good -- * -* Good morning, U.S.A. * 73 00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:46,934 Aah! 74 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:51,004 * Good morning, U.S.A. * 75 00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,943 What are you doing with your hands? 76 00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:58,546 I'm visualizing filling out the Scantron. 77 00:02:58,646 --> 00:03:00,848 Please be silent. I need to focus. 78 00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,883 I've only got four hours before the test starts. 79 00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:05,018 What?! Why are we going so early? 80 00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:06,787 I brought a lavender diffuser. 81 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:09,557 Takes a while for the scent to permeate the room. 82 00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:10,691 Oh, pull off here. 83 00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:12,059 I have to get a coffee. 84 00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:13,594 We're not even out of the suburbs yet. 85 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,896 -Just get a coffee downtown. -Are you crazy? 86 00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:19,467 The last three kids to get a perfect score on their P-PSATs 87 00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,201 drank a caramel macchiato 88 00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:23,271 from the Starbucks in this neighborhood. 89 00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:26,707 Fine. But after this, I am dropping you downtown, 90 00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:30,077 parking the van, and getting after that vape life, ya heard? 91 00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:32,280 -(thud) -Son of a vape! 92 00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:34,081 (tires screech) 93 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,551 Please tell me you know how to change a tire. 94 00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,253 Yeah, it's easy. First I get my phone 95 00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:40,988 out of the car, and then I call AAA. 96 00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:44,758 Did you lock the car?! The keys are in there. 97 00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:48,296 Why would you leave the keys to the car in the car? 98 00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:49,997 They're the car's keys. 99 00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:52,232 I'm not carrying his shit around for him. 100 00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:53,767 Oh, my God. I'm gonna miss my test 101 00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:55,503 because my sister's an idiot. 102 00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:57,237 Let's just knock on someone's door, 103 00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:59,407 call AAA, and get back on the road. 104 00:03:59,507 --> 00:04:00,508 That house looks cool. 105 00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:05,279 Did you even look at any of the other houses? 106 00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:10,183 (cellphone ringing) 107 00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:14,087 No answer. They're in trouble or, more likely, already dead. 108 00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:15,856 I have to go downtown and recover their bodies. 109 00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:18,025 ROGER: Did somebody say "downtown"? 110 00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:19,993 I love downtown. 111 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,495 I'm a downtown boy. 112 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,364 Haven't been in 30 years 'cause I'm down 113 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,032 30 large to my friend Guzzo. 114 00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:27,200 -No, Roger, this is serious. -Very serious. 115 00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:29,837 Guzzo does not forget when someone owes him. 116 00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,139 But I can probably drop in without word getting back 117 00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:34,041 to the old Guzzmeister that his pal 118 00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:35,943 Yakoub McGruder is back in town. 119 00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:37,445 Let's ride, Franny. 120 00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:40,047 Okay, but I got to get home before dinner 121 00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:42,450 to finish stirring this water. 122 00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:50,524 The kick is good! 123 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:51,825 Grootzey scores. 124 00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:53,293 Hayley, quit goofin' around. 125 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,496 Hey, hate the silly, not the goose. 126 00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,033 Whoa, sick topliary. 127 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,636 Hi, my sister's basically a monkey, 128 00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,304 and she locked our keys in the car. 129 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:07,508 Can we use your phone and maybe a banana for her? 130 00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,843 I'm sorry about this rude little baby. 131 00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:12,646 I'm babysitting him because he's a stupid little baby. 132 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,815 But I will take that banana. 133 00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:16,917 Oh, that's hysterical. 134 00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,251 Come on in. 135 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,922 I'm Sheila Cornhole, 136 00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:25,893 and this is the Mitchell & Webb glam fam sales force. 137 00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:28,996 Forgive my naivete, but what's Mitchell & Webb? 138 00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:33,100 We sell eyeliner, lipstick, skin cream, and opportunity. 139 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,904 I have to say, I think you two would make a great addition 140 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,372 to the exciting bottom tier 141 00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,207 of our pyramid-shaped business scheme. 142 00:05:40,307 --> 00:05:41,542 Just the phone, lady. 143 00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:43,043 It's in the back. 144 00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:45,879 Your sister might not care, 145 00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:47,615 but you'd be silly not to take care of 146 00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:50,283 -that beautiful skin of yours. -It's radiant! 147 00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:53,421 Oh, I wish I could cut it off and slap it on my own face! 148 00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:56,023 Oh, that's an interesting compliment. 149 00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,258 Oh, Franny, you're gonna love downtown. 150 00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,127 Every block is full of grime. 151 00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:02,362 There's peep shows, wank palaces, 152 00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:04,865 and stroke domes as far as the eye can see. 153 00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:06,534 I don't know, Roger. 154 00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:08,135 I can see pretty far. 155 00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:10,270 But there's one blo-jo dojo 156 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:14,408 that rises above the rest -- Guzzo's Jerkaporium on 29th. 157 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,644 -(brakes squeak) -Alright, cool the chitchat. 158 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,812 We're downtown. You know the rules. 159 00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:22,249 Eyes on the ground, head on a swivel, helicopter arms. 160 00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:28,055 -(grunts) -Mugger! 161 00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,723 (chuckles) Hi there. 162 00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:31,925 I can tell by the way you're swallowing your wallet 163 00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:34,394 that you haven't been downtown recently. 164 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:35,663 (muffled) Yeah, so? 165 00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:37,297 I'm an official downtown greeter, 166 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,299 and I'm here to put you at ease. 167 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,802 Downtown's all cleaned up now. 168 00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,505 (indistinct conversations) 169 00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:46,139 No, no, no, no, no, no. 170 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,407 Where's all the grime? 171 00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:48,909 What'd you do with the grime? 172 00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:52,312 It's gone, thanks to gentrification. 173 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,615 Some people don't like that word, 174 00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:57,651 but it's okay because they don't live here anymore. 175 00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:01,288 He's stealing that bike. Pimp. 176 00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:02,656 No pimps downtown! 177 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:03,857 These bikes are free! 178 00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:06,126 Courtesy of the city! 179 00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:08,929 Huh. Maybe downtown's changing. 180 00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:11,198 -A rat! -Maybe not. 181 00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:14,301 No, look how well-dressed he is. 182 00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,705 Downtown's changing. 183 00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:19,372 Thanks, girls. 184 00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:21,174 I'll hit you up when I need refills. 185 00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,611 Phew! Good thing we broke down here in the suburbs. 186 00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:27,147 Dad says AAA won't even go downtown. 187 00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:28,381 Mmm. Damn. 188 00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:30,183 This banana is tasty. 189 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:33,687 Shoot. I left my lucky test pencil in there. 190 00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:37,357 Sheila? Tracy? 191 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,326 Just looking for my pencil. 192 00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:42,863 Collette? Beatrix? McKayla? Dawn? 193 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,065 Fawn? Grover? Fingers? 194 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:47,501 That's weird. Where'd they all go? 195 00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:50,971 -(slap in distance, woman gasps) -Chomper, is that you? 196 00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:53,006 This is what happens when you don't meet 197 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,308 your sales goals, Tracy. 198 00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:57,377 I didn't have time. My family -- 199 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,980 (grunts) We're your family, Tracy, 200 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,216 and I am sorry for our loss. 201 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,318 Do it, Chomper. 202 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,922 (Tracy whimpers, gunshot) 203 00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:11,659 (screams) 204 00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,030 (screams) 205 00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,331 Oh, my God! 206 00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:20,233 Why did they do that to Tracy? 207 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:23,170 Maybe her fetish was getting shot in the brains. 208 00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:25,539 Maybe we saw something wonderful. 209 00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:27,775 Hey! You two can hide in my house. 210 00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:29,442 (both scream) 211 00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,444 Fan out and find those kids. 212 00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:34,715 Don't let them get out of Langley Meadows alive. 213 00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:37,417 (cheerful music plays) 214 00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:42,089 Down here. 215 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,428 Who's there? Please help us. 216 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,130 What the...? 217 00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:51,865 Do you guys live down here? 218 00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:53,133 Oh, yeah. 219 00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:54,534 You ever been to Tokyo? 220 00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:56,403 Those cool new pod hotels? 221 00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:57,705 That's what this is. 222 00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,306 -Cool. -No, you idiot. 223 00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:01,374 We're enslaved. Unlock our cages. 224 00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:02,743 MAN: What's going on down there? 225 00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:04,444 The key's on the wall. Quick. 226 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,414 I still think I can get it with my chicken-bone thingy. 227 00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:10,718 Yes, we're saved. 228 00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,654 So I see you found my collection. 229 00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,789 -Aah! -(grunts) 230 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,458 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 231 00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,661 The keys! Just throw us the keys! 232 00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,630 Back in business. 233 00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:24,097 Just stop, Jerry. 234 00:09:24,197 --> 00:09:26,634 What else am I gonna do, Gabriel? 235 00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:29,002 Apparently, there's a brunch spot up here 236 00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,238 that serves eggs Benedict in a shovel. 237 00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:32,740 Do you get to keep the shovel? 238 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,574 -You have to. -Hush up, both of ya. 239 00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:37,177 We're now in the heart of the old Jerkin' District. 240 00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,446 This is where all the jerking was. 241 00:09:39,546 --> 00:09:42,082 They used to have to chisel the walls clean. 242 00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,184 It was like the Golden Gate Bridge. 243 00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,353 By the time you got done cleaning one end, 244 00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:48,288 it was time to start on the other. 245 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:51,191 (gasps) Look. 246 00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:53,160 The pervs are all still lined up, 247 00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,696 which means just around the corner is 248 00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:59,032 Guzzo's Jerka-- Quality Coffee Roasters? 249 00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,602 Who the hell are you? Where's Guzzo? 250 00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:04,304 -I'm Tryler. -Downtown's changing. 251 00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:06,807 I own this slow-roast, drip-pour, dry-aged coffee shop. 252 00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:08,541 All the coffee is single-origin, 253 00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,878 and the gelato is 100% artisanal. 254 00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:13,647 Art Penishole? Is he still kicking around? 255 00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,548 Finally, a name from the past. 256 00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:18,318 You said "artisanal." I knew it right from the start. 257 00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:23,623 I'm so sorry, sir, but this table is taken. 258 00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:25,793 -Table? -Yes, this hydrant 259 00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:28,228 is a micro-restaurant, and we are fully booked. 260 00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:29,629 STAN: DTC! 261 00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,665 That stands for "downtown's changing." 262 00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:32,966 Everyone downtown is saying -- 263 00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:35,002 -I get it! -I get it, too. 264 00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,840 A senior center. We can get help there. 265 00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:45,746 -(mid-tempo music plays) -Okay, we've got an '88 Skylark. 266 00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,580 Gladys. 267 00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:51,719 Which means you'll be having sex with Martin! 268 00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,887 What exactly is happening here? 269 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:55,689 We're swapping partners and F'ing. 270 00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:57,490 You want in? Just so you know, 271 00:10:57,590 --> 00:10:59,159 nothing really works down there anymore, 272 00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:01,228 so we just kind of smoosh everything together. 273 00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,863 Good God. 274 00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:05,532 What the (bleep) is going on in this neighborhood? 275 00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:07,667 -(record scratches) -Prepare to die! 276 00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,870 Say no more. (grunts) 277 00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,438 Steve, the keys. 278 00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:16,609 Oh, God! Wrinkles! (gasps) 279 00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:21,782 Let's try that one. 280 00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,086 It's a Buick. I need keys to a Buick. 281 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,420 They're all Buicks! 282 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,522 -(gun cocks) -Hurry, Steve. 283 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,026 Try these. 284 00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:34,895 (engine starts) 285 00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:37,130 (tires squeal) 286 00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:38,899 (grunts) 287 00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:49,442 ** 288 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:53,213 (panting) 289 00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:54,982 (sighs) We lost her. 290 00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:56,716 * We ain't gonna die * 291 00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,718 * We gonna live forever * 292 00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:00,153 (clank) 293 00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:04,992 * Why are we stopped on the train tracks? * 294 00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,827 She must've shot the engine. 295 00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:08,161 (train horn blows) 296 00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,930 Jump! 297 00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:13,066 Whoo! Got one. 298 00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:16,636 Oh, thank God. 299 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,972 A police station. 300 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,407 So, let me get this straight. 301 00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:21,942 You watched as a vicious gang 302 00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:23,977 of middle-aged makeup saleswomen 303 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,679 murdered a soccer mom in cold blood? 304 00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,982 That's right, Chief. And it was all run 305 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,684 by an evil mastermind named Sheila Cornhole. 306 00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:35,022 I never did trust people who wear makeup. 307 00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:37,124 It's like, what are ya hiding, lady? 308 00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:39,827 What are ya hiding, clown? 309 00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:42,863 We're gonna need to know what this Cornhole looks like. 310 00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:44,264 (snickers) 311 00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:45,665 Here's paper and a pencil. 312 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,034 You want me to draw it? 313 00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:48,936 Yeah, our sketch artist went missing. 314 00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:50,303 Keep an eye out for him. 315 00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:51,839 He looks like that. 316 00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:53,373 I did that one. 317 00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,142 See? Not so hard. 318 00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:57,811 You start drawing, and I'm gonna go put an APB out 319 00:12:57,911 --> 00:13:00,047 on this Cornhole character. 320 00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:05,185 Okay, there's still time to get to my test. 321 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,519 What? No. 322 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:07,821 You can't go back out there. 323 00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:10,157 Those women have Uzis, Steve. 324 00:13:10,257 --> 00:13:12,492 I haven't seen one of those things since Rush Hour 2. 325 00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:15,128 Who knows what else they have? They could have Jackie Chan. 326 00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:16,563 That test is important. 327 00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:18,031 Important enough to die for? 328 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,367 Forget about your stupid test. 329 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,236 You only think it's stupid because you never took it, 330 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:26,406 just like you never went to a real college or got a real job. 331 00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,141 Oh, SubHub isn't real? 332 00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:29,977 Then why do I have all this turkey 333 00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:31,378 underneath my fingernails? 334 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:32,645 (scoffs) 335 00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:34,314 (door opens, closes) 336 00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:38,485 -(button clicks) -Sheila, it's me. 337 00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:40,687 I found the kids you're looking for. 338 00:13:40,787 --> 00:13:43,090 Wait. Who's in the car with you? 339 00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,558 Oh, I know that's not a book on tape. 340 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,995 It's Chomper. I know her laugh. 341 00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:50,063 Because I don't trust her. 342 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:53,333 She calls me the Queef of Police. 343 00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:57,004 There's no way she could mean that in a nice way. 344 00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:02,742 (air brakes hiss) 345 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,777 Am I late for the test? 346 00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:06,046 The test starts in two hours. 347 00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:07,514 Sign in here. 348 00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:09,549 I guess that's enough time to get situated. 349 00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:11,218 What the...? 350 00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:14,121 Why are you signing in with a makeup pencil, silly? 351 00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:16,924 I don't know. I got it from the police station. 352 00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:20,894 It's Mitchell & Webb. 353 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:22,930 I recognize it because my sister-in-law sells them. 354 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:24,932 She's a beautiful, mean lady. 355 00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:27,300 But this is the chief's pencil. 356 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,270 That means she's in cahoots with Sheila. 357 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,072 Oh, my God! 358 00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:34,707 What you're talking about just sounds so bad. 359 00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:36,076 I have to go help Hayley. 360 00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:37,911 But it's the P-PSAT. 361 00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,146 You don't think I know that?! 362 00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:41,314 My sister needs me. 363 00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:43,050 There's not a moment to spare. 364 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,956 Better. 365 00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:51,258 (air brakes hiss) 366 00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:56,930 (police radio chatter) 367 00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:58,265 How am I gonna get in there? 368 00:14:58,365 --> 00:14:59,766 -You'll need help. -Aah! 369 00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:02,335 -What are you doing here? -Relax! I'm a friend. 370 00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:04,437 I'm the only one who knows the truth 371 00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:07,407 about what's really going on in this neighborhood, 372 00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,642 even though everyone thinks I'm crazy. 373 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,111 Name's Crazy Bob. 374 00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:12,745 I got 1,000 cats. 375 00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:15,582 1,000? Is that an exact figure? 376 00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:17,184 Yes. 377 00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,019 Cops have been grilling your sister in there, 378 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,487 trying to find you. 379 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,822 Now, I got a plan to take care of the cops, 380 00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:24,992 but I wasn't counting on all those makeup ladies. 381 00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,927 Well, there's one thing those makeup ladies can't resist -- 382 00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:29,829 potential customers. 383 00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,464 And I know some people with terrible skin 384 00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:32,699 in a cellar nearby. 385 00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:34,001 The people locked in that basement. 386 00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,036 -Of course. -You know about them? 387 00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:38,205 I know everything that goes on around here. 388 00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:39,806 My cats tell me. 389 00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:41,141 Come on. Let's go. 390 00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:43,043 Jump down. My cats will catch you. 391 00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:46,146 (meowing) 392 00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:48,381 Last chance. 393 00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:50,717 Tell me where your brother is. 394 00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,819 I told you I don't know. 395 00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:54,854 You expect me to believe that? 396 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,223 You think I don't know 397 00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,625 that siblings communicate telepathically? 398 00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:01,461 You think I haven't seen Escape from Witch Mountain? 399 00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,563 Oh, I'm gonna enjoy doing this. 400 00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:07,000 Now, I just have to find a battery. 401 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,202 Or a bathtub and a hairdryer. 402 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,971 If a can't find that, then I'll just rub my feet 403 00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:13,573 on the carpet for 10 minutes. 404 00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,742 Don't you have a Taser? 405 00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:17,877 You shouldn't have told me that. 406 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,847 Alright, get out there, 407 00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:22,749 let those women see your gross skin, 408 00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:24,217 and the rest should take care of itself. 409 00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:25,718 Then we can go back to our cages? 410 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,920 Again, you can go anywhere you want. 411 00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:31,258 SHEILA: Oh, my. 412 00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:34,761 Look at all that pale, untouched skin. 413 00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,431 Hey, splotchy, how much time would you say 414 00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,567 you spend on your beauty regimen each day? 415 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,202 Step two, cats, attack! 416 00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:45,605 (meowing) 417 00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,174 That's a lot of cats. 418 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:51,444 I've been training them for this for years. 419 00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:53,280 They'll neutralize the officers, 420 00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:55,282 tying them down with bits of yarn. 421 00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:58,685 Then we waltz right in and snag your sister. 422 00:16:58,785 --> 00:17:00,353 Uh, Bob. 423 00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:04,057 (meowing) 424 00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:06,259 Damn. Never worked in training, either. 425 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,061 Well, time for plan B. 426 00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:12,099 -(laughing) -Why did I agree to plan B?! 427 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,968 It's working! 428 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:18,071 (people scream) 429 00:17:18,171 --> 00:17:19,306 (grunts) 430 00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,375 Steve, we got to get out of here. 431 00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:24,211 The police chief is working with Sheila. 432 00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,079 That's why I came back for you. 433 00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:27,314 But your test. 434 00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:30,083 Who cares about that stupid test? 435 00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:31,551 You were in trouble. 436 00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:33,120 I'm sorry. 437 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,622 We should've stuck together. 438 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,258 Don't worry. I'm gonna get you to that test. 439 00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:40,227 Maybe...hospital? 440 00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:41,661 No, test. 441 00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:43,663 Please. Hospital. 442 00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:46,433 I'm gonna get you to that test. 443 00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:48,768 Hospital. 444 00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:54,073 You're not going anywhere! 445 00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:56,976 I didn't serve two tours in Afghanistan 446 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,912 and one weekend at the Mitchell & Webb sales conference 447 00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:02,349 just outside Boca Raton 448 00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:07,086 to have two kids destroy everything I created. 449 00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:10,190 Hey! In what, at the time, seemed like a totally 450 00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:12,692 meaningless moment, you saved our ball. 451 00:18:12,792 --> 00:18:15,795 Now it's time for us to return the favor. 452 00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:18,198 -What? How? -Slap shot! 453 00:18:18,298 --> 00:18:21,000 (thunk, trigger clicks) 454 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:24,171 Now, let's get your brother to that test. 455 00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:25,838 (weakly) Hospital. 456 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:32,445 ** 457 00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,113 (indistinct conversations) 458 00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:36,316 Hey, weren't we supposed to be looking 459 00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:37,684 for Steve and Hayley? 460 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,219 Francine, that doesn't matter anymore. 461 00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:40,787 Look how skinny the chef is. 462 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,555 That's what's important now. 463 00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:45,192 Mmm, mmm. So good. 464 00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:46,826 I guess I should just face it. 465 00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:49,562 Downtown as I knew it is dead and buried. 466 00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:52,899 Nary a drop of semen has splashed on these sidewalks 467 00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:54,467 for a decade or longer. 468 00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:56,469 I give in. 469 00:18:56,569 --> 00:19:00,373 One scoop of handcrafted pistachio gelato, please. 470 00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:02,175 Right this way. 471 00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:06,646 -Okay, whip it out. -Whip it out? 472 00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:09,048 Handcrafted gelato is "code." 473 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,418 -For a handy-"J"? -You betcha. 474 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,686 Roger's getting a handy! 475 00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:15,822 Although, now that it's right in front of me, 476 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,857 I think I'd rather have the gelato. 477 00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:20,327 Maybe downtown hasn't changed. 478 00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:24,030 Maybe I've changed. 479 00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:27,066 See ya back at the table, I guess. 480 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:33,573 ** 481 00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:38,711 Bye, Hayley! Friends forever! 482 00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:42,549 Steve, wake up. We're here. 483 00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:43,883 You got to take your test. 484 00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:45,117 (groans) 485 00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:47,354 Don't worry. I got you. 486 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:50,857 Uh, I'm Steve Smith. 487 00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:53,393 Never kissed a girl. Probably never will. 488 00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:55,695 -I'm here to take some test. -I knew you'd be back. 489 00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:57,063 You're just in time. 490 00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:07,274 ** 491 00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:11,878 (machine whirs) 492 00:20:11,978 --> 00:20:18,818 ** 493 00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:21,220 (mailbox opens, closes) 494 00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:22,655 Mail's here! 495 00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:24,257 And I would like to say, once again, 496 00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:25,725 that bringing in the mail should be 497 00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:27,594 someone else's responsibility. 498 00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:29,929 I am by far the least equi-- 499 00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:31,163 Steve, your test results. 500 00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:33,900 Thanks again for having my back. 501 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,402 A zero?! 502 00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:37,437 Oof. That's not good, Steve. 503 00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:40,407 You get 200 points just for spelling my name right. 504 00:20:40,507 --> 00:20:42,342 Not my name. How should I know how to spell it? 505 00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:44,076 My future's ruined. 506 00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:45,945 Not as much as that Sheila lady. 507 00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:47,280 She got blowed up. 508 00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:48,415 Hey, where's Stan? 509 00:20:48,515 --> 00:20:51,117 Oh, he bought a loft downtown. 510 00:20:51,217 --> 00:20:53,786 -Good morning, beautiful. -* The lights are much brighter there * 511 00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:56,323 * You can forget all your troubles * 512 00:20:56,423 --> 00:20:57,657 * Forget all your cares * 513 00:20:57,757 --> 00:21:00,593 * So go downtown * 514 00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:04,297 * Things will be great when you're downtown * 515 00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,000 -- Captions by VITAC -- 36518

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