Original subtitles

Ooh, what about the line where the guy says,

"Dude, where's my car?"

(laughter)

Oh, yeah!

I forgot that line.

So classic.

He's like, "Uh, dude?"

"Where's my car?"

(laughter)

Enough!

Look, I love Dude, Where's My Car?

as much as all of you.

-Impossible. -And there is certainly

no greater line of dialogue in cinema history

than that titular line.

Okay, maybe you are a true fan.

But I am trying to study for the P-PSATs.

Well, you already got the first question wrong, Gine-Stein.

It's called the PSATs.

No, Hayley, I'm taking the pre-pre-SATs,

because you can never be too pre-prepared.

Which is why, this weekend,

I'll be at the downtown testing center --

Oh, no. There's no way my only boy child

and the keeper of the Smith family name is going downtown.

It's too dangerous.

Haven't you heard of Jack the Ripper?

That was in London.

Yeah, downtown London.

Steve, downtown is always the most dangerous part of any city.

That's why they push it down.

But if I don't take the P-PSATs,

my life will amount to nothing.

Steve, you'll be fine.

I didn't take any of those tests.

Exactly.

I don't want to be a loser who was twice kicked off

a city bus for watching Monday Night Raw

too loud on her cellphone.

Hey, that happened to me.

Wha-- Are you talking about me, you little jerk?

Steve's right. He's this family's last hope.

We need him to succeed.

Hayley, you have to drive him to the test.

I'd do it, but Saturdays are for me.

I don't want to hang out with this dork all Saturday.

Besides, I give Jeff a bath on Saturdays.

Nyo!

I'm sorry, Hayley, your request

to not drive Steve has been denied.

Jeff can shower with me on Friday night.

Now, to prepare you two, it's time for my patented rules

for surviving downtown.

* Stan's patented rules for surviving downtown *

First rule -- when you get downtown,

keep your eyes on the ground and your head on a swivel.

If my eyes are on the ground,

how do I keep my head on a swivel?

Doesn't matter, because the third rule

is to do helicopter arms, like this.

-Aah! -Fourth rule --

if anyone gets close to you, swallow your wallet.

Then, when they reach their whole arm down your throat,

you can bite it off.

And that's how you protect your Ricky Mountain

Fudge Chocolate Shoppe Rewards Card.

* Good morning, U.S.A. *

* I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day *

* The sun in the sky has a smile on his face *

* And he's shinin' a salute to the American race *

* Oh, boy, it's swell to say *

-* Good -- * -* Good morning, U.S.A. *

Aah!

* Good morning, U.S.A. *

What are you doing with your hands?

I'm visualizing filling out the Scantron.

Please be silent. I need to focus.

I've only got four hours before the test starts.

What?! Why are we going so early?

I brought a lavender diffuser.

Takes a while for the scent to permeate the room.

Oh, pull off here.

I have to get a coffee.

We're not even out of the suburbs yet.

-Just get a coffee downtown. -Are you crazy?

The last three kids to get a perfect score on their P-PSATs

drank a caramel macchiato

from the Starbucks in this neighborhood.

Fine. But after this, I am dropping you downtown,

parking the van, and getting after that vape life, ya heard?

-(thud) -Son of a vape!

(tires screech)

Please tell me you know how to change a tire.

Yeah, it's easy. First I get my phone

out of the car, and then I call AAA.

Did you lock the car?! The keys are in there.

Why would you leave the keys to the car in the car?

They're the car's keys.

I'm not carrying his shit around for him.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna miss my test

because my sister's an idiot.

Let's just knock on someone's door,

call AAA, and get back on the road.

That house looks cool.

Did you even look at any of the other houses?

(cellphone ringing)

No answer. They're in trouble or, more likely, already dead.

I have to go downtown and recover their bodies.

ROGER: Did somebody say "downtown"?

I love downtown.

I'm a downtown boy.

Haven't been in 30 years 'cause I'm down

30 large to my friend Guzzo.

-No, Roger, this is serious. -Very serious.

Guzzo does not forget when someone owes him.

But I can probably drop in without word getting back

to the old Guzzmeister that his pal

Yakoub McGruder is back in town.

Let's ride, Franny.

Okay, but I got to get home before dinner

to finish stirring this water.

The kick is good!

Grootzey scores.

Hayley, quit goofin' around.

Hey, hate the silly, not the goose.

Whoa, sick topliary.

Hi, my sister's basically a monkey,

and she locked our keys in the car.

Can we use your phone and maybe a banana for her?

I'm sorry about this rude little baby.

I'm babysitting him because he's a stupid little baby.

But I will take that banana.

Oh, that's hysterical.

Come on in.

I'm Sheila Cornhole,

and this is the Mitchell & Webb glam fam sales force.

Forgive my naivete, but what's Mitchell & Webb?

We sell eyeliner, lipstick, skin cream, and opportunity.

I have to say, I think you two would make a great addition

to the exciting bottom tier

of our pyramid-shaped business scheme.

Just the phone, lady.

It's in the back.

Your sister might not care,

but you'd be silly not to take care of

-that beautiful skin of yours. -It's radiant!

Oh, I wish I could cut it off and slap it on my own face!

Oh, that's an interesting compliment.

Oh, Franny, you're gonna love downtown.

Every block is full of grime.

There's peep shows, wank palaces,

and stroke domes as far as the eye can see.

I don't know, Roger.

I can see pretty far.

But there's one blo-jo dojo

that rises above the rest -- Guzzo's Jerkaporium on 29th.

-(brakes squeak) -Alright, cool the chitchat.

We're downtown. You know the rules.

Eyes on the ground, head on a swivel, helicopter arms.

-(grunts) -Mugger!

(chuckles) Hi there.

I can tell by the way you're swallowing your wallet

that you haven't been downtown recently.

(muffled) Yeah, so?

I'm an official downtown greeter,

and I'm here to put you at ease.

Downtown's all cleaned up now.

(indistinct conversations)

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Where's all the grime?

What'd you do with the grime?

It's gone, thanks to gentrification.

Some people don't like that word,

but it's okay because they don't live here anymore.

He's stealing that bike. Pimp.

No pimps downtown!

These bikes are free!

Courtesy of the city!

Huh. Maybe downtown's changing.

-A rat! -Maybe not.

No, look how well-dressed he is.

Downtown's changing.

Thanks, girls.

I'll hit you up when I need refills.

Phew! Good thing we broke down here in the suburbs.

Dad says AAA won't even go downtown.

Mmm. Damn.

This banana is tasty.

Shoot. I left my lucky test pencil in there.

Sheila? Tracy?

Just looking for my pencil.

Collette? Beatrix? McKayla? Dawn?

Fawn? Grover? Fingers?

That's weird. Where'd they all go?

-(slap in distance, woman gasps) -Chomper, is that you?

This is what happens when you don't meet

your sales goals, Tracy.

I didn't have time. My family --

(grunts) We're your family, Tracy,

and I am sorry for our loss.

Do it, Chomper.

(Tracy whimpers, gunshot)

(screams)

(screams)

Oh, my God!

Why did they do that to Tracy?

Maybe her fetish was getting shot in the brains.

Maybe we saw something wonderful.

Hey! You two can hide in my house.

(both scream)

Fan out and find those kids.

Don't let them get out of Langley Meadows alive.

(cheerful music plays)

Down here.

Who's there? Please help us.

What the...?

Do you guys live down here?

Oh, yeah.

You ever been to Tokyo?

Those cool new pod hotels?

That's what this is.

-Cool. -No, you idiot.

We're enslaved. Unlock our cages.

MAN: What's going on down there?

The key's on the wall. Quick.

I still think I can get it with my chicken-bone thingy.

Yes, we're saved.

So I see you found my collection.

-Aah! -(grunts)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

The keys! Just throw us the keys!

Back in business.

Just stop, Jerry.

What else am I gonna do, Gabriel?

Apparently, there's a brunch spot up here

that serves eggs Benedict in a shovel.

Do you get to keep the shovel?

-You have to. -Hush up, both of ya.

We're now in the heart of the old Jerkin' District.

This is where all the jerking was.

They used to have to chisel the walls clean.

It was like the Golden Gate Bridge.

By the time you got done cleaning one end,

it was time to start on the other.

(gasps) Look.

The pervs are all still lined up,

which means just around the corner is

Guzzo's Jerka-- Quality Coffee Roasters?

Who the hell are you? Where's Guzzo?

-I'm Tryler. -Downtown's changing.

I own this slow-roast, drip-pour, dry-aged coffee shop.

All the coffee is single-origin,

and the gelato is 100% artisanal.

Art Penishole? Is he still kicking around?

Finally, a name from the past.

You said "artisanal." I knew it right from the start.

I'm so sorry, sir, but this table is taken.

-Table? -Yes, this hydrant

is a micro-restaurant, and we are fully booked.

STAN: DTC!

That stands for "downtown's changing."

Everyone downtown is saying --

-I get it! -I get it, too.

A senior center. We can get help there.

-(mid-tempo music plays) -Okay, we've got an '88 Skylark.

Gladys.

Which means you'll be having sex with Martin!

What exactly is happening here?

We're swapping partners and F'ing.

You want in? Just so you know,

nothing really works down there anymore,

so we just kind of smoosh everything together.

Good God.

What the (bleep) is going on in this neighborhood?

-(record scratches) -Prepare to die!

Say no more. (grunts)

Steve, the keys.

Oh, God! Wrinkles! (gasps)

Let's try that one.

It's a Buick. I need keys to a Buick.

They're all Buicks!

-(gun cocks) -Hurry, Steve.

Try these.

(engine starts)

(tires squeal)

(grunts)

**

(panting)

(sighs) We lost her.

* We ain't gonna die *

* We gonna live forever *

(clank)

* Why are we stopped on the train tracks? *

She must've shot the engine.

(train horn blows)

Jump!

Whoo! Got one.

Oh, thank God.

A police station.

So, let me get this straight.

You watched as a vicious gang

of middle-aged makeup saleswomen

murdered a soccer mom in cold blood?

That's right, Chief. And it was all run

by an evil mastermind named Sheila Cornhole.

I never did trust people who wear makeup.

It's like, what are ya hiding, lady?

What are ya hiding, clown?

We're gonna need to know what this Cornhole looks like.

(snickers)

Here's paper and a pencil.

You want me to draw it?

Yeah, our sketch artist went missing.

Keep an eye out for him.

He looks like that.

I did that one.

See? Not so hard.

You start drawing, and I'm gonna go put an APB out

on this Cornhole character.

Okay, there's still time to get to my test.

What? No.

You can't go back out there.

Those women have Uzis, Steve.

I haven't seen one of those things since Rush Hour 2.

Who knows what else they have? They could have Jackie Chan.

That test is important.

Important enough to die for?

Forget about your stupid test.

You only think it's stupid because you never took it,

just like you never went to a real college or got a real job.

Oh, SubHub isn't real?

Then why do I have all this turkey

underneath my fingernails?

(scoffs)

(door opens, closes)

-(button clicks) -Sheila, it's me.

I found the kids you're looking for.

Wait. Who's in the car with you?

Oh, I know that's not a book on tape.

It's Chomper. I know her laugh.

Because I don't trust her.

She calls me the Queef of Police.

There's no way she could mean that in a nice way.

(air brakes hiss)

Am I late for the test?

The test starts in two hours.

Sign in here.

I guess that's enough time to get situated.

What the...?

Why are you signing in with a makeup pencil, silly?

I don't know. I got it from the police station.

It's Mitchell & Webb.

I recognize it because my sister-in-law sells them.

She's a beautiful, mean lady.

But this is the chief's pencil.

That means she's in cahoots with Sheila.

Oh, my God!

What you're talking about just sounds so bad.

I have to go help Hayley.

But it's the P-PSAT.

You don't think I know that?!

My sister needs me.

There's not a moment to spare.

Better.

(air brakes hiss)

(police radio chatter)

How am I gonna get in there?

-You'll need help. -Aah!

-What are you doing here? -Relax! I'm a friend.

I'm the only one who knows the truth

about what's really going on in this neighborhood,

even though everyone thinks I'm crazy.

Name's Crazy Bob.

I got 1,000 cats.

1,000? Is that an exact figure?

Yes.

Cops have been grilling your sister in there,

trying to find you.

Now, I got a plan to take care of the cops,

but I wasn't counting on all those makeup ladies.

Well, there's one thing those makeup ladies can't resist --

potential customers.

And I know some people with terrible skin

in a cellar nearby.

The people locked in that basement.

-Of course. -You know about them?

I know everything that goes on around here.

My cats tell me.

Come on. Let's go.

Jump down. My cats will catch you.

(meowing)

Last chance.

Tell me where your brother is.

I told you I don't know.

You expect me to believe that?

You think I don't know

that siblings communicate telepathically?

You think I haven't seen Escape from Witch Mountain?

Oh, I'm gonna enjoy doing this.

Now, I just have to find a battery.

Or a bathtub and a hairdryer.

If a can't find that, then I'll just rub my feet

on the carpet for 10 minutes.

Don't you have a Taser?

You shouldn't have told me that.

Alright, get out there,

let those women see your gross skin,

and the rest should take care of itself.

Then we can go back to our cages?

Again, you can go anywhere you want.

SHEILA: Oh, my.

Look at all that pale, untouched skin.

Hey, splotchy, how much time would you say

you spend on your beauty regimen each day?

Step two, cats, attack!

(meowing)

That's a lot of cats.

I've been training them for this for years.

They'll neutralize the officers,

tying them down with bits of yarn.

Then we waltz right in and snag your sister.

Uh, Bob.

(meowing)

Damn. Never worked in training, either.

Well, time for plan B.

-(laughing) -Why did I agree to plan B?!

It's working!

(people scream)

(grunts)

Steve, we got to get out of here.

The police chief is working with Sheila.

That's why I came back for you.

But your test.

Who cares about that stupid test?

You were in trouble.

I'm sorry.

We should've stuck together.

Don't worry. I'm gonna get you to that test.

Maybe...hospital?

No, test.

Please. Hospital.

I'm gonna get you to that test.

Hospital.

You're not going anywhere!

I didn't serve two tours in Afghanistan

and one weekend at the Mitchell & Webb sales conference

just outside Boca Raton

to have two kids destroy everything I created.

Hey! In what, at the time, seemed like a totally

meaningless moment, you saved our ball.

Now it's time for us to return the favor.

-What? How? -Slap shot!

(thunk, trigger clicks)

Now, let's get your brother to that test.

(weakly) Hospital.

**

(indistinct conversations)

Hey, weren't we supposed to be looking

for Steve and Hayley?

Francine, that doesn't matter anymore.

Look how skinny the chef is.

That's what's important now.

Mmm, mmm. So good.

I guess I should just face it.

Downtown as I knew it is dead and buried.

Nary a drop of semen has splashed on these sidewalks

for a decade or longer.

I give in.

One scoop of handcrafted pistachio gelato, please.

Right this way.

-Okay, whip it out. -Whip it out?

Handcrafted gelato is "code."

-For a handy-"J"? -You betcha.

Roger's getting a handy!

Although, now that it's right in front of me,

I think I'd rather have the gelato.

Maybe downtown hasn't changed.

Maybe I've changed.

See ya back at the table, I guess.

**

Bye, Hayley! Friends forever!

Steve, wake up. We're here.

You got to take your test.

(groans)

Don't worry. I got you.

Uh, I'm Steve Smith.

Never kissed a girl. Probably never will.

-I'm here to take some test. -I knew you'd be back.

You're just in time.

**

(machine whirs)

**

(mailbox opens, closes)

Mail's here!

And I would like to say, once again,

that bringing in the mail should be

someone else's responsibility.

I am by far the least equi--

Steve, your test results.

Thanks again for having my back.

A zero?!

Oof. That's not good, Steve.

You get 200 points just for spelling my name right.

Not my name. How should I know how to spell it?

My future's ruined.

Not as much as that Sheila lady.

She got blowed up.

Hey, where's Stan?

Oh, he bought a loft downtown.

-Good morning, beautiful. -* The lights are much brighter there *

* You can forget all your troubles *

* Forget all your cares *

* So go downtown *

* Things will be great when you're downtown *

-- Captions by VITAC --