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1
00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:05,273
Ooh, what about the line
where the guy says,
2
00:00:05,373 --> 00:00:07,075
"Dude, where's my car?"
3
00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:08,409
(laughter)
4
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:09,843
Oh, yeah!
5
00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:11,579
I forgot that line.
6
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,881
So classic.
7
00:00:13,981 --> 00:00:15,949
He's like, "Uh, dude?"
8
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,186
"Where's my car?"
9
00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:20,288
(laughter)
10
00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:21,689
Enough!
11
00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,691
Look, I love
Dude, Where's My Car?
12
00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,093
as much as all of you.
13
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,727
-Impossible.
-And there is certainly
14
00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:29,530
no greater line of dialogue
in cinema history
15
00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:31,299
than that titular line.
16
00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:34,268
Okay, maybe you
are a true fan.
17
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:37,037
But I am trying to study
for the P-PSATs.
18
00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:39,973
Well, you already got the first
question wrong, Gine-Stein.
19
00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:42,076
It's called the PSATs.
20
00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:45,613
No, Hayley, I'm taking
the pre-pre-SATs,
21
00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:48,282
because you can never
be too pre-prepared.
22
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,917
Which is why, this weekend,
23
00:00:50,017 --> 00:00:51,719
I'll be at the downtown
testing center --
24
00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:54,422
Oh, no. There's no way
my only boy child
25
00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:56,957
and the keeper of the Smith
family name is going downtown.
26
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,326
It's too dangerous.
27
00:00:58,426 --> 00:00:59,727
Haven't you heard
of Jack the Ripper?
28
00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:00,894
That was in London.
29
00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,896
Yeah, downtown London.
30
00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:06,400
Steve, downtown is always the
most dangerous part of any city.
31
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:07,935
That's why they push it down.
32
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:10,438
But if I don't take
the P-PSATs,
33
00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:12,173
my life will amount to nothing.
34
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,774
Steve, you'll be fine.
35
00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:14,808
I didn't take any
of those tests.
36
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,444
Exactly.
37
00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:18,612
I don't want to be a loser
who was twice kicked off
38
00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:20,748
a city bus for watching
Monday Night Raw
39
00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:22,082
too loud on her cellphone.
40
00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:23,651
Hey, that happened to me.
41
00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:26,154
Wha-- Are you talking about me,
you little jerk?
42
00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:28,756
Steve's right.
He's this family's last hope.
43
00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:30,491
We need him to succeed.
44
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,526
Hayley, you have to
drive him to the test.
45
00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:34,428
I'd do it,
but Saturdays are for me.
46
00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:36,830
I don't want to hang out with
this dork all Saturday.
47
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:39,633
Besides, I give Jeff a bath
on Saturdays.
48
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:41,769
Nyo!
49
00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:43,304
I'm sorry, Hayley, your request
50
00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:45,373
to not drive Steve
has been denied.
51
00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:47,541
Jeff can shower with me
on Friday night.
52
00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:50,811
Now, to prepare you two,
it's time for my patented rules
53
00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:52,813
for surviving downtown.
54
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:56,317
* Stan's patented rules
for surviving downtown *
55
00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:58,319
First rule --
when you get downtown,
56
00:01:58,419 --> 00:02:00,688
keep your eyes on the ground
and your head on a swivel.
57
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,156
If my eyes are
on the ground,
58
00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:03,657
how do I keep my head
on a swivel?
59
00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:05,193
Doesn't matter,
because the third rule
60
00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:07,528
is to do helicopter arms,
like this.
61
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,130
-Aah!
-Fourth rule --
62
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:12,466
if anyone gets close to you,
swallow your wallet.
63
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,735
Then, when they reach their
whole arm down your throat,
64
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,304
you can bite it off.
65
00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:18,739
And that's how you protect
your Ricky Mountain
66
00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:21,575
Fudge Chocolate Shoppe
Rewards Card.
67
00:02:24,412 --> 00:02:26,747
* Good morning, U.S.A. *
68
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:30,584
* I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day *
69
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:33,754
* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *
70
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:38,158
* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *
71
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:43,431
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say *
72
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,833
-* Good -- *
-* Good morning, U.S.A. *
73
00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:46,934
Aah!
74
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:51,004
* Good morning, U.S.A. *
75
00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,943
What are you doing
with your hands?
76
00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:58,546
I'm visualizing filling out
the Scantron.
77
00:02:58,646 --> 00:03:00,848
Please be silent.
I need to focus.
78
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,883
I've only got four hours
before the test starts.
79
00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:05,018
What?!
Why are we going so early?
80
00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:06,787
I brought
a lavender diffuser.
81
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:09,557
Takes a while for the scent
to permeate the room.
82
00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:10,691
Oh, pull off here.
83
00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:12,059
I have to get a coffee.
84
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:13,594
We're not even
out of the suburbs yet.
85
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,896
-Just get a coffee downtown.
-Are you crazy?
86
00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:19,467
The last three kids to get a
perfect score on their P-PSATs
87
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,201
drank a caramel macchiato
88
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:23,271
from the Starbucks
in this neighborhood.
89
00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:26,707
Fine. But after this,
I am dropping you downtown,
90
00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:30,077
parking the van, and getting
after that vape life, ya heard?
91
00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:32,280
-(thud)
-Son of a vape!
92
00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:34,081
(tires screech)
93
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,551
Please tell me you know
how to change a tire.
94
00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,253
Yeah, it's easy.
First I get my phone
95
00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:40,988
out of the car,
and then I call AAA.
96
00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:44,758
Did you lock the car?!
The keys are in there.
97
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:48,296
Why would you leave the keys
to the car in the car?
98
00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:49,997
They're the car's keys.
99
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:52,232
I'm not carrying his shit
around for him.
100
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:53,767
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna miss my test
101
00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:55,503
because my sister's
an idiot.
102
00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:57,237
Let's just knock on
someone's door,
103
00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:59,407
call AAA,
and get back on the road.
104
00:03:59,507 --> 00:04:00,508
That house looks cool.
105
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:05,279
Did you even look at
any of the other houses?
106
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:10,183
(cellphone ringing)
107
00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:14,087
No answer. They're in trouble
or, more likely, already dead.
108
00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:15,856
I have to go downtown
and recover their bodies.
109
00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:18,025
ROGER: Did somebody say
"downtown"?
110
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:19,993
I love downtown.
111
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,495
I'm a downtown boy.
112
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,364
Haven't been in 30 years
'cause I'm down
113
00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,032
30 large to my friend Guzzo.
114
00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:27,200
-No, Roger, this is serious.
-Very serious.
115
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:29,837
Guzzo does not forget
when someone owes him.
116
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,139
But I can probably drop in
without word getting back
117
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:34,041
to the old Guzzmeister
that his pal
118
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:35,943
Yakoub McGruder is back in town.
119
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:37,445
Let's ride, Franny.
120
00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:40,047
Okay, but I got to get home
before dinner
121
00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:42,450
to finish stirring this water.
122
00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:50,524
The kick is good!
123
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:51,825
Grootzey scores.
124
00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:53,293
Hayley, quit goofin' around.
125
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,496
Hey, hate the silly,
not the goose.
126
00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,033
Whoa, sick topliary.
127
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,636
Hi, my sister's
basically a monkey,
128
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,304
and she locked our keys
in the car.
129
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:07,508
Can we use your phone
and maybe a banana for her?
130
00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,843
I'm sorry about this
rude little baby.
131
00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:12,646
I'm babysitting him because
he's a stupid little baby.
132
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,815
But I will take that banana.
133
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:16,917
Oh, that's hysterical.
134
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,251
Come on in.
135
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,922
I'm Sheila Cornhole,
136
00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:25,893
and this is the Mitchell & Webb
glam fam sales force.
137
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:28,996
Forgive my naivete,
but what's Mitchell & Webb?
138
00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:33,100
We sell eyeliner, lipstick,
skin cream, and opportunity.
139
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,904
I have to say, I think you two
would make a great addition
140
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,372
to the exciting bottom tier
141
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,207
of our pyramid-shaped
business scheme.
142
00:05:40,307 --> 00:05:41,542
Just the phone, lady.
143
00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:43,043
It's in the back.
144
00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:45,879
Your sister might not care,
145
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:47,615
but you'd be silly
not to take care of
146
00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:50,283
-that beautiful skin of yours.
-It's radiant!
147
00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:53,421
Oh, I wish I could cut it off
and slap it on my own face!
148
00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:56,023
Oh, that's an interesting
compliment.
149
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,258
Oh, Franny, you're gonna
love downtown.
150
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,127
Every block is full of grime.
151
00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:02,362
There's peep shows,
wank palaces,
152
00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:04,865
and stroke domes as far
as the eye can see.
153
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:06,534
I don't know, Roger.
154
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:08,135
I can see pretty far.
155
00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:10,270
But there's one blo-jo dojo
156
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:14,408
that rises above the rest --
Guzzo's Jerkaporium on 29th.
157
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,644
-(brakes squeak)
-Alright, cool the chitchat.
158
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,812
We're downtown.
You know the rules.
159
00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:22,249
Eyes on the ground, head on
a swivel, helicopter arms.
160
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:28,055
-(grunts)
-Mugger!
161
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,723
(chuckles) Hi there.
162
00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:31,925
I can tell by the way
you're swallowing your wallet
163
00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:34,394
that you haven't
been downtown recently.
164
00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:35,663
(muffled) Yeah, so?
165
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:37,297
I'm an official
downtown greeter,
166
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,299
and I'm here to put you at ease.
167
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,802
Downtown's all cleaned up now.
168
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,505
(indistinct conversations)
169
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:46,139
No, no, no, no, no, no.
170
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,407
Where's all the grime?
171
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:48,909
What'd you do with the grime?
172
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:52,312
It's gone, thanks to
gentrification.
173
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,615
Some people don't
like that word,
174
00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:57,651
but it's okay because
they don't live here anymore.
175
00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:01,288
He's stealing that bike.
Pimp.
176
00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:02,656
No pimps downtown!
177
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:03,857
These bikes are free!
178
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:06,126
Courtesy of the city!
179
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:08,929
Huh.
Maybe downtown's changing.
180
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:11,198
-A rat!
-Maybe not.
181
00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:14,301
No, look how
well-dressed he is.
182
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,705
Downtown's changing.
183
00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:19,372
Thanks, girls.
184
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:21,174
I'll hit you up
when I need refills.
185
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,611
Phew! Good thing we broke down
here in the suburbs.
186
00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:27,147
Dad says AAA won't
even go downtown.
187
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:28,381
Mmm. Damn.
188
00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:30,183
This banana is tasty.
189
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:33,687
Shoot. I left my lucky
test pencil in there.
190
00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:37,357
Sheila? Tracy?
191
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,326
Just looking for my pencil.
192
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:42,863
Collette? Beatrix?
McKayla? Dawn?
193
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,065
Fawn? Grover? Fingers?
194
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:47,501
That's weird.
Where'd they all go?
195
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:50,971
-(slap in distance, woman gasps)
-Chomper, is that you?
196
00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:53,006
This is what happens
when you don't meet
197
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,308
your sales goals, Tracy.
198
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:57,377
I didn't have time. My family --
199
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,980
(grunts)
We're your family, Tracy,
200
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,216
and I am sorry for our loss.
201
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,318
Do it, Chomper.
202
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,922
(Tracy whimpers, gunshot)
203
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:11,659
(screams)
204
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,030
(screams)
205
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,331
Oh, my God!
206
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:20,233
Why did they do that to Tracy?
207
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:23,170
Maybe her fetish was getting
shot in the brains.
208
00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:25,539
Maybe we saw something
wonderful.
209
00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:27,775
Hey!
You two can hide in my house.
210
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:29,442
(both scream)
211
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,444
Fan out and find those kids.
212
00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:34,715
Don't let them get out of
Langley Meadows alive.
213
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:37,417
(cheerful music plays)
214
00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:42,089
Down here.
215
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,428
Who's there? Please help us.
216
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,130
What the...?
217
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:51,865
Do you guys live down here?
218
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:53,133
Oh, yeah.
219
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:54,534
You ever been to Tokyo?
220
00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:56,403
Those cool new pod hotels?
221
00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:57,705
That's what this is.
222
00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,306
-Cool.
-No, you idiot.
223
00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:01,374
We're enslaved.
Unlock our cages.
224
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:02,743
MAN:
What's going on down there?
225
00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:04,444
The key's on the wall. Quick.
226
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,414
I still think I can get it
with my chicken-bone thingy.
227
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:10,718
Yes, we're saved.
228
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,654
So I see you found
my collection.
229
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,789
-Aah!
-(grunts)
230
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,458
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!
231
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,661
The keys!
Just throw us the keys!
232
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,630
Back in business.
233
00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:24,097
Just stop, Jerry.
234
00:09:24,197 --> 00:09:26,634
What else am I gonna do,
Gabriel?
235
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:29,002
Apparently, there's
a brunch spot up here
236
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,238
that serves eggs Benedict
in a shovel.
237
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:32,740
Do you get
to keep the shovel?
238
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,574
-You have to.
-Hush up, both of ya.
239
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:37,177
We're now in the heart of
the old Jerkin' District.
240
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,446
This is where all
the jerking was.
241
00:09:39,546 --> 00:09:42,082
They used to have to
chisel the walls clean.
242
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,184
It was like
the Golden Gate Bridge.
243
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,353
By the time you got done
cleaning one end,
244
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:48,288
it was time to start
on the other.
245
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:51,191
(gasps) Look.
246
00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:53,160
The pervs are all
still lined up,
247
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,696
which means just
around the corner is
248
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:59,032
Guzzo's Jerka--
Quality Coffee Roasters?
249
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,602
Who the hell are you?
Where's Guzzo?
250
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:04,304
-I'm Tryler.
-Downtown's changing.
251
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:06,807
I own this slow-roast,
drip-pour, dry-aged coffee shop.
252
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:08,541
All the coffee is single-origin,
253
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,878
and the gelato
is 100% artisanal.
254
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:13,647
Art Penishole?
Is he still kicking around?
255
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,548
Finally, a name from the past.
256
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:18,318
You said "artisanal."
I knew it right from the start.
257
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:23,623
I'm so sorry, sir,
but this table is taken.
258
00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:25,793
-Table?
-Yes, this hydrant
259
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:28,228
is a micro-restaurant,
and we are fully booked.
260
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:29,629
STAN: DTC!
261
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,665
That stands for
"downtown's changing."
262
00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:32,966
Everyone downtown is saying --
263
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:35,002
-I get it!
-I get it, too.
264
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,840
A senior center.
We can get help there.
265
00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:45,746
-(mid-tempo music plays)
-Okay, we've got an '88 Skylark.
266
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,580
Gladys.
267
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:51,719
Which means you'll be
having sex with Martin!
268
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,887
What exactly
is happening here?
269
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:55,689
We're swapping partners
and F'ing.
270
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:57,490
You want in? Just so you know,
271
00:10:57,590 --> 00:10:59,159
nothing really works
down there anymore,
272
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:01,228
so we just kind of smoosh
everything together.
273
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,863
Good God.
274
00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:05,532
What the (bleep) is going on
in this neighborhood?
275
00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:07,667
-(record scratches)
-Prepare to die!
276
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,870
Say no more. (grunts)
277
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,438
Steve, the keys.
278
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:16,609
Oh, God! Wrinkles! (gasps)
279
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:21,782
Let's try that one.
280
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,086
It's a Buick.
I need keys to a Buick.
281
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,420
They're all Buicks!
282
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,522
-(gun cocks)
-Hurry, Steve.
283
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,026
Try these.
284
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:34,895
(engine starts)
285
00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:37,130
(tires squeal)
286
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:38,899
(grunts)
287
00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:49,442
**
288
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:53,213
(panting)
289
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:54,982
(sighs) We lost her.
290
00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:56,716
* We ain't gonna die *
291
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,718
* We gonna live forever *
292
00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:00,153
(clank)
293
00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:04,992
* Why are we stopped on
the train tracks? *
294
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,827
She must've shot the engine.
295
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:08,161
(train horn blows)
296
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,930
Jump!
297
00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:13,066
Whoo! Got one.
298
00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:16,636
Oh, thank God.
299
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,972
A police station.
300
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,407
So, let me get this straight.
301
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:21,942
You watched as a vicious gang
302
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:23,977
of middle-aged
makeup saleswomen
303
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,679
murdered a soccer mom
in cold blood?
304
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,982
That's right, Chief.
And it was all run
305
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,684
by an evil mastermind
named Sheila Cornhole.
306
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:35,022
I never did trust people
who wear makeup.
307
00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:37,124
It's like,
what are ya hiding, lady?
308
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:39,827
What are ya hiding, clown?
309
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:42,863
We're gonna need to know what
this Cornhole looks like.
310
00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:44,264
(snickers)
311
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:45,665
Here's paper and a pencil.
312
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,034
You want me to draw it?
313
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:48,936
Yeah, our sketch artist
went missing.
314
00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:50,303
Keep an eye out for him.
315
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:51,839
He looks like that.
316
00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:53,373
I did that one.
317
00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,142
See? Not so hard.
318
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:57,811
You start drawing,
and I'm gonna go put an APB out
319
00:12:57,911 --> 00:13:00,047
on this Cornhole character.
320
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:05,185
Okay, there's still time
to get to my test.
321
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,519
What? No.
322
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:07,821
You can't go back out there.
323
00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:10,157
Those women have Uzis, Steve.
324
00:13:10,257 --> 00:13:12,492
I haven't seen one of those
things since Rush Hour 2.
325
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:15,128
Who knows what else they have?
They could have Jackie Chan.
326
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:16,563
That test is important.
327
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:18,031
Important enough to die for?
328
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,367
Forget about your stupid test.
329
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,236
You only think it's stupid
because you never took it,
330
00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:26,406
just like you never went to a
real college or got a real job.
331
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,141
Oh, SubHub isn't real?
332
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:29,977
Then why do I have
all this turkey
333
00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:31,378
underneath my fingernails?
334
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:32,645
(scoffs)
335
00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:34,314
(door opens, closes)
336
00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:38,485
-(button clicks)
-Sheila, it's me.
337
00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:40,687
I found the kids
you're looking for.
338
00:13:40,787 --> 00:13:43,090
Wait.
Who's in the car with you?
339
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,558
Oh, I know that's
not a book on tape.
340
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,995
It's Chomper. I know her laugh.
341
00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:50,063
Because I don't trust her.
342
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:53,333
She calls me
the Queef of Police.
343
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:57,004
There's no way she could mean
that in a nice way.
344
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:02,742
(air brakes hiss)
345
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,777
Am I late for the test?
346
00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:06,046
The test starts in two hours.
347
00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:07,514
Sign in here.
348
00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:09,549
I guess that's enough time
to get situated.
349
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:11,218
What the...?
350
00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:14,121
Why are you signing in with
a makeup pencil, silly?
351
00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:16,924
I don't know. I got it from
the police station.
352
00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:20,894
It's Mitchell & Webb.
353
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:22,930
I recognize it because my
sister-in-law sells them.
354
00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:24,932
She's a beautiful, mean lady.
355
00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:27,300
But this is the chief's pencil.
356
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,270
That means she's
in cahoots with Sheila.
357
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,072
Oh, my God!
358
00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:34,707
What you're talking about
just sounds so bad.
359
00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:36,076
I have to go help Hayley.
360
00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:37,911
But it's the P-PSAT.
361
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,146
You don't think I know that?!
362
00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:41,314
My sister needs me.
363
00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:43,050
There's not a moment to spare.
364
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,956
Better.
365
00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:51,258
(air brakes hiss)
366
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:56,930
(police radio chatter)
367
00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:58,265
How am I gonna get in there?
368
00:14:58,365 --> 00:14:59,766
-You'll need help.
-Aah!
369
00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:02,335
-What are you doing here?
-Relax! I'm a friend.
370
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:04,437
I'm the only one
who knows the truth
371
00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:07,407
about what's really going on
in this neighborhood,
372
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,642
even though everyone
thinks I'm crazy.
373
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,111
Name's Crazy Bob.
374
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:12,745
I got 1,000 cats.
375
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:15,582
1,000? Is that an exact figure?
376
00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:17,184
Yes.
377
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,019
Cops have been grilling
your sister in there,
378
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,487
trying to find you.
379
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,822
Now, I got a plan to
take care of the cops,
380
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:24,992
but I wasn't counting on
all those makeup ladies.
381
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,927
Well, there's one thing those
makeup ladies can't resist --
382
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:29,829
potential customers.
383
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,464
And I know some people
with terrible skin
384
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:32,699
in a cellar nearby.
385
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:34,001
The people locked
in that basement.
386
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,036
-Of course.
-You know about them?
387
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:38,205
I know everything
that goes on around here.
388
00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:39,806
My cats tell me.
389
00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:41,141
Come on. Let's go.
390
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:43,043
Jump down.
My cats will catch you.
391
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:46,146
(meowing)
392
00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:48,381
Last chance.
393
00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:50,717
Tell me where
your brother is.
394
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,819
I told you I don't know.
395
00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:54,854
You expect me to believe that?
396
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,223
You think I don't know
397
00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,625
that siblings communicate
telepathically?
398
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:01,461
You think I haven't seen
Escape from Witch Mountain?
399
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,563
Oh, I'm gonna enjoy doing this.
400
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:07,000
Now, I just have
to find a battery.
401
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,202
Or a bathtub
and a hairdryer.
402
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,971
If a can't find that,
then I'll just rub my feet
403
00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:13,573
on the carpet for 10 minutes.
404
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,742
Don't you have a Taser?
405
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:17,877
You shouldn't have told me that.
406
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,847
Alright, get out there,
407
00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:22,749
let those women
see your gross skin,
408
00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:24,217
and the rest should
take care of itself.
409
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:25,718
Then we can go back
to our cages?
410
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,920
Again, you can go
anywhere you want.
411
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:31,258
SHEILA: Oh, my.
412
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:34,761
Look at all that pale,
untouched skin.
413
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,431
Hey, splotchy, how much
time would you say
414
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,567
you spend on your beauty regimen
each day?
415
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,202
Step two, cats, attack!
416
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:45,605
(meowing)
417
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,174
That's a lot of cats.
418
00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:51,444
I've been training them
for this for years.
419
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:53,280
They'll neutralize the officers,
420
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:55,282
tying them down
with bits of yarn.
421
00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:58,685
Then we waltz right in
and snag your sister.
422
00:16:58,785 --> 00:17:00,353
Uh, Bob.
423
00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:04,057
(meowing)
424
00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:06,259
Damn. Never worked
in training, either.
425
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,061
Well, time for plan B.
426
00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:12,099
-(laughing)
-Why did I agree to plan B?!
427
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,968
It's working!
428
00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:18,071
(people scream)
429
00:17:18,171 --> 00:17:19,306
(grunts)
430
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,375
Steve, we got to
get out of here.
431
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:24,211
The police chief
is working with Sheila.
432
00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,079
That's why I came back for you.
433
00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:27,314
But your test.
434
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:30,083
Who cares about
that stupid test?
435
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:31,551
You were in trouble.
436
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:33,120
I'm sorry.
437
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,622
We should've stuck together.
438
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,258
Don't worry.
I'm gonna get you to that test.
439
00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:40,227
Maybe...hospital?
440
00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:41,661
No, test.
441
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:43,663
Please. Hospital.
442
00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:46,433
I'm gonna get you to that test.
443
00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:48,768
Hospital.
444
00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:54,073
You're not going anywhere!
445
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:56,976
I didn't serve two tours
in Afghanistan
446
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,912
and one weekend at the
Mitchell & Webb sales conference
447
00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:02,349
just outside Boca Raton
448
00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:07,086
to have two kids destroy
everything I created.
449
00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:10,190
Hey! In what, at the time,
seemed like a totally
450
00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:12,692
meaningless moment,
you saved our ball.
451
00:18:12,792 --> 00:18:15,795
Now it's time for us
to return the favor.
452
00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:18,198
-What? How?
-Slap shot!
453
00:18:18,298 --> 00:18:21,000
(thunk, trigger clicks)
454
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:24,171
Now, let's get your brother
to that test.
455
00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:25,838
(weakly) Hospital.
456
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:32,445
**
457
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,113
(indistinct conversations)
458
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:36,316
Hey, weren't we
supposed to be looking
459
00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:37,684
for Steve and Hayley?
460
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,219
Francine,
that doesn't matter anymore.
461
00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:40,787
Look how skinny the chef is.
462
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,555
That's what's important now.
463
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:45,192
Mmm, mmm. So good.
464
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:46,826
I guess I should just face it.
465
00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:49,562
Downtown as I knew it
is dead and buried.
466
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:52,899
Nary a drop of semen has
splashed on these sidewalks
467
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:54,467
for a decade or longer.
468
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:56,469
I give in.
469
00:18:56,569 --> 00:19:00,373
One scoop of handcrafted
pistachio gelato, please.
470
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:02,175
Right this way.
471
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:06,646
-Okay, whip it out.
-Whip it out?
472
00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:09,048
Handcrafted gelato is "code."
473
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,418
-For a handy-"J"?
-You betcha.
474
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,686
Roger's getting a handy!
475
00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:15,822
Although, now that
it's right in front of me,
476
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,857
I think I'd rather
have the gelato.
477
00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:20,327
Maybe downtown hasn't changed.
478
00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:24,030
Maybe I've changed.
479
00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:27,066
See ya back at the table,
I guess.
480
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:33,573
**
481
00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:38,711
Bye, Hayley! Friends forever!
482
00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:42,549
Steve, wake up. We're here.
483
00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:43,883
You got to take your test.
484
00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:45,117
(groans)
485
00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:47,354
Don't worry. I got you.
486
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:50,857
Uh, I'm Steve Smith.
487
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:53,393
Never kissed a girl.
Probably never will.
488
00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:55,695
-I'm here to take some test.
-I knew you'd be back.
489
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:57,063
You're just in time.
490
00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:07,274
**
491
00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:11,878
(machine whirs)
492
00:20:11,978 --> 00:20:18,818
**
493
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:21,220
(mailbox opens, closes)
494
00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:22,655
Mail's here!
495
00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:24,257
And I would like to say,
once again,
496
00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:25,725
that bringing in
the mail should be
497
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:27,594
someone else's responsibility.
498
00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:29,929
I am by far the least equi--
499
00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:31,163
Steve, your test results.
500
00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:33,900
Thanks again for having my back.
501
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,402
A zero?!
502
00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:37,437
Oof. That's not good, Steve.
503
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:40,407
You get 200 points just for
spelling my name right.
504
00:20:40,507 --> 00:20:42,342
Not my name. How should
I know how to spell it?
505
00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:44,076
My future's ruined.
506
00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:45,945
Not as much as that Sheila lady.
507
00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:47,280
She got blowed up.
508
00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:48,415
Hey, where's Stan?
509
00:20:48,515 --> 00:20:51,117
Oh, he bought a loft downtown.
510
00:20:51,217 --> 00:20:53,786
-Good morning, beautiful.
-* The lights are much
brighter there *
511
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:56,323
* You can forget
all your troubles *
512
00:20:56,423 --> 00:20:57,657
* Forget all your cares *
513
00:20:57,757 --> 00:21:00,593
* So go downtown *
514
00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:04,297
* Things will be great
when you're downtown *
515
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,000
-- Captions by VITAC --
36518
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