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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,526 --> 00:00:05,995 It's the beginning of a new season. 2 00:00:06,019 --> 00:00:09,531 Could this season change things for you? 3 00:00:09,555 --> 00:00:13,469 Could it be your season? 4 00:00:13,493 --> 00:00:15,871 Yes, I believe it could... 5 00:00:17,831 --> 00:00:20,610 Welp, I got laughed out of the library again. 6 00:00:20,634 --> 00:00:22,144 What's wrong, my boy? 7 00:00:22,168 --> 00:00:24,280 It's my soft-ass library card. 8 00:00:24,304 --> 00:00:27,105 Nobody takes me seriously with this flimsy thing. 9 00:00:29,242 --> 00:00:30,752 A relatable problem. 10 00:00:30,776 --> 00:00:34,356 Naomi at the reference desk asked if I took it for a swim. 11 00:00:34,380 --> 00:00:36,959 I tried countering with a Jacques Cousteau joke, 12 00:00:36,983 --> 00:00:39,561 but I'll give you one [BLEEP] guess how that went. 13 00:00:39,585 --> 00:00:42,898 No. This must be laminated. 14 00:00:42,922 --> 00:00:44,900 Why do we have to come help Steve 15 00:00:44,924 --> 00:00:47,437 get his douchey liberty card laminated? 16 00:00:47,461 --> 00:00:49,705 Li-brary. 17 00:00:49,729 --> 00:00:52,263 Li-brary card. 18 00:00:53,133 --> 00:00:56,045 We should be taking him to a speech therapist. 19 00:00:56,069 --> 00:00:57,447 Hey, look, 20 00:00:57,471 --> 00:00:59,715 there's a Langley Copy, Print, and Office Services. 21 00:00:59,739 --> 00:01:01,183 Let's just go there. 22 00:01:01,207 --> 00:01:03,185 Where laminating is at best third on the list, 23 00:01:03,209 --> 00:01:05,521 lumped in with God knows what "services"? 24 00:01:05,545 --> 00:01:08,724 No, we need to go where the job will be done right. 25 00:01:08,748 --> 00:01:10,259 Little Colombia? 26 00:01:10,283 --> 00:01:12,594 Nobody laminates like a Colombian. 27 00:01:12,618 --> 00:01:15,931 You're about to see true masters practice their craft... 28 00:01:15,955 --> 00:01:18,534 flat plastic without a bubble in sight. 29 00:01:18,558 --> 00:01:19,735 I mean, some bubbles. 30 00:01:19,759 --> 00:01:20,936 They're... They're not wizards. 31 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,673 But let me tell you, those edges never curl. 32 00:01:23,697 --> 00:01:25,741 Well, over time, sure. Oh, we're here. 33 00:01:29,216 --> 00:01:32,081 I had no idea there was a Colombian District in Langley. 34 00:01:32,105 --> 00:01:34,016 Oh, it's a thriving community, 35 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:35,084 brimming with the sights, sounds, 36 00:01:35,108 --> 00:01:37,153 and flavors of authenticity. 37 00:01:37,969 --> 00:01:41,423 These bowls here are handmade in the town of Boyac�. 38 00:01:41,447 --> 00:01:43,559 And, look. There's a festival today. 39 00:01:43,583 --> 00:01:44,827 Fool's Day. 40 00:01:44,851 --> 00:01:46,095 Something's always happening 41 00:01:46,119 --> 00:01:48,230 here in the land of a thousand rhythms. 42 00:01:48,254 --> 00:01:50,099 Dad, how do you know so much about Colombia? 43 00:01:50,123 --> 00:01:51,567 Did you do a mission there or something? 44 00:01:51,591 --> 00:01:55,571 No! I-I... read about it in a-a magazine. 45 00:01:55,595 --> 00:01:58,307 - Cool. - Oh, oh, you need the name of the magazine? 46 00:01:58,331 --> 00:01:59,975 To make it more believable to you? 47 00:01:59,999 --> 00:02:01,377 I've already stopped thinking about it. 48 00:02:01,401 --> 00:02:02,411 Fine. 49 00:02:03,469 --> 00:02:06,582 Look, the truth is, I do know about Colombia, 50 00:02:06,606 --> 00:02:10,452 for that country changed the very core of who I am. 51 00:02:10,476 --> 00:02:13,723 It turned me from an arrogant, flashy razzle-dazzler 52 00:02:13,747 --> 00:02:16,992 to the humble and hard-working agent that I am today. 53 00:02:17,016 --> 00:02:20,196 - That sounds worse. - It's a cautionary tale I've never shared. 54 00:02:20,220 --> 00:02:21,931 That's okay. We're really just focused 55 00:02:21,955 --> 00:02:23,265 on finding a laminating guy. 56 00:02:23,289 --> 00:02:25,467 But I think I may finally be ready. 57 00:02:25,491 --> 00:02:28,804 The story of my time as a young agent in Colombia 58 00:02:28,828 --> 00:02:30,139 starts right... 59 00:02:32,632 --> 00:02:35,555 ? Good morning, U.S.A. ? 60 00:02:35,590 --> 00:02:38,948 ? I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ? 61 00:02:38,972 --> 00:02:41,751 ? The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ? 62 00:02:41,775 --> 00:02:46,444 ? And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ? 63 00:02:48,314 --> 00:02:51,627 ? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ? 64 00:02:51,651 --> 00:02:54,230 - ? Good... ? - ? Good morning, U.S.A. ? 65 00:02:54,254 --> 00:02:55,286 Aah! 66 00:02:56,590 --> 00:02:59,902 ? Good morning, U.S.A. ? 67 00:02:59,926 --> 00:03:01,837 It was the height of the drug war. 68 00:03:01,861 --> 00:03:03,105 What about my library card? 69 00:03:03,129 --> 00:03:04,574 As you know, I cut my teeth 70 00:03:04,598 --> 00:03:06,842 in the Miami field office of the CIA. 71 00:03:06,866 --> 00:03:08,044 Wait, Miami? 72 00:03:08,068 --> 00:03:10,312 I thought you were talking about Colombia. 73 00:03:10,336 --> 00:03:12,314 Miami is not Colombia. 74 00:03:12,338 --> 00:03:14,716 I know that. Don't you think I know that? 75 00:03:17,343 --> 00:03:21,991 There's a place between here and Colombia called Miami. 76 00:03:24,684 --> 00:03:26,117 Here comes the drop. 77 00:03:28,488 --> 00:03:32,735 Looks like they're trolling for some blow-fish. 78 00:03:32,759 --> 00:03:34,069 Cargo is onboard. 79 00:03:34,093 --> 00:03:36,338 We'll monitor the delivery, and then... 80 00:03:36,362 --> 00:03:39,075 Fly in on a Jet Ski-i-i-i-i-i! 81 00:03:39,099 --> 00:03:41,210 Smith, this isn't our mission. 82 00:03:41,234 --> 00:03:43,079 Save your mission for the nuns, 83 00:03:43,103 --> 00:03:45,904 'cause I'm a stone-cold sinner. 84 00:04:01,321 --> 00:04:04,366 Screw it. Let's nail these creeps. 85 00:04:24,077 --> 00:04:25,121 We got them. 86 00:04:25,181 --> 00:04:29,325 C-I-Ya-a-a-a-y! 87 00:04:29,349 --> 00:04:33,395 ? Don't leave me this way ? 88 00:04:33,419 --> 00:04:34,864 ? Ahhh ? 89 00:04:34,888 --> 00:04:36,466 ? Baby ? 90 00:04:36,490 --> 00:04:40,859 ? My heart is full of love and desire for you ? 91 00:04:44,964 --> 00:04:46,676 We did the job with style, 92 00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:48,878 but never lost sight of the mission. 93 00:04:48,902 --> 00:04:50,812 That was all you today, Smith. 94 00:04:50,836 --> 00:04:52,214 I love your passion, man. 95 00:04:52,238 --> 00:04:54,484 I love it and I love it and I love your fashion. 96 00:04:54,508 --> 00:04:55,685 It's like I say, man... 97 00:04:55,709 --> 00:04:58,488 I like doing good and looking even better. 98 00:05:01,181 --> 00:05:04,049 And we never did the drugs. 99 00:05:05,053 --> 00:05:06,253 _ 100 00:05:06,254 --> 00:05:08,232 While we no doubt kicked ass yesterday, 101 00:05:08,256 --> 00:05:11,501 the objective was to track the smugglers into Miami 102 00:05:11,525 --> 00:05:14,038 and figure out their distribution process, 103 00:05:14,062 --> 00:05:17,107 not launch a surprise Jet Ski attack. 104 00:05:17,131 --> 00:05:19,865 I wasn't surprised. 105 00:05:20,735 --> 00:05:22,112 - Bull's-eye! - Whoo-hoo! 106 00:05:22,136 --> 00:05:24,314 Uh, settle down, boys. 107 00:05:24,338 --> 00:05:26,872 Now, this is a map of Downtown Miami. 108 00:05:28,208 --> 00:05:29,986 Sorry. I don't settle down. 109 00:05:30,060 --> 00:05:31,788 I get down. 110 00:05:34,014 --> 00:05:35,859 We know where El Narco is. 111 00:05:35,883 --> 00:05:37,928 And by now, he knows we mean business. 112 00:05:37,952 --> 00:05:39,996 I say we waltz into his compound, 113 00:05:40,020 --> 00:05:41,665 and I'll straight-up tell El Narco, 114 00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:44,668 "No blow north of Mexico." 115 00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:46,270 - Whoo! Yes. - Whoo-hoo! 116 00:05:46,294 --> 00:05:48,272 I guess Smith's action-movie ideas 117 00:05:48,296 --> 00:05:50,140 haven't gotten us killed yet, right? 118 00:05:50,164 --> 00:05:51,539 Let's do it. 119 00:05:52,633 --> 00:05:56,813 And so I was on my way to Colombia to confront El Narco. 120 00:05:56,837 --> 00:05:58,214 I would need a translator. 121 00:05:58,238 --> 00:05:59,883 But more than that, I would need some 122 00:05:59,907 --> 00:06:02,753 extra-pleated baby-blue slacks to slide over 123 00:06:02,777 --> 00:06:06,757 my extra-extra bikini-cut Calvin Klein underwears. 124 00:06:06,781 --> 00:06:10,961 Because when you look good, you find good translators. 125 00:06:10,985 --> 00:06:12,829 ...after which I translated 126 00:06:12,853 --> 00:06:14,965 Chomsky's "Syntactic Structures," 127 00:06:14,989 --> 00:06:17,434 and received the Leonard Bloomfield Award. 128 00:06:17,458 --> 00:06:19,435 Yeah, but how many chicks have you slept with? 129 00:06:19,459 --> 00:06:21,705 Smith, he's clearly qualified. 130 00:06:21,729 --> 00:06:24,574 Qualified to make us look like a bunch of ass-butts. 131 00:06:24,598 --> 00:06:27,511 Look at his suit. We can't be seen in public with this guy. 132 00:06:27,535 --> 00:06:29,446 - Next. - Aloha! 133 00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:32,516 Oh, yeah, that was before we really knew each other. 134 00:06:32,540 --> 00:06:34,450 Yes. So sorry, Roger. 135 00:06:34,474 --> 00:06:36,453 This is a story that doesn't include you. 136 00:06:36,477 --> 00:06:39,389 Wow, so you've never put it together that... You know what? 137 00:06:39,413 --> 00:06:41,325 I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy the story. 138 00:06:41,349 --> 00:06:44,260 I'll say it again. Aloha! 139 00:06:44,284 --> 00:06:46,130 Someone called for a laminator? 140 00:06:46,154 --> 00:06:47,931 Actually, a translator. 141 00:06:47,955 --> 00:06:49,599 Close enough. I'll take it. Aah! 142 00:06:49,623 --> 00:06:52,402 Geez, I thought there was an elk in the room for a sec. 143 00:06:52,426 --> 00:06:54,604 That's a lot of brown you got on, man. 144 00:06:54,628 --> 00:06:56,228 Kind of rumpled, too. 145 00:07:00,368 --> 00:07:02,012 Much better. 146 00:07:02,036 --> 00:07:03,947 Who is this? 147 00:07:03,971 --> 00:07:05,882 Hi. Stan Smith. CIA. 148 00:07:05,906 --> 00:07:08,752 Enrique Ruiz. A Colombian man. 149 00:07:08,776 --> 00:07:11,487 I like the way your hand feels in this handshake. 150 00:07:11,511 --> 00:07:12,956 Wish I could say the same. 151 00:07:12,980 --> 00:07:15,291 Whoa! Looks and attitude? 152 00:07:15,315 --> 00:07:17,293 Do you even speak Spanish? 153 00:07:17,317 --> 00:07:20,096 Uh, does this answer your question? 154 00:07:24,925 --> 00:07:27,171 Oh, mama. This guy can salsa. 155 00:07:27,195 --> 00:07:30,106 He's actually dancing what's known as bachata. 156 00:07:36,270 --> 00:07:38,871 Now, this is a translator. 157 00:07:40,189 --> 00:07:42,986 No one could deny Enrique's "it" factor. 158 00:07:43,010 --> 00:07:44,188 The job was his. 159 00:07:44,212 --> 00:07:45,655 And it was a risky mission, 160 00:07:45,679 --> 00:07:48,058 but just the kind I lived for. 161 00:07:48,813 --> 00:07:50,126 Hola, boychiks. 162 00:07:50,150 --> 00:07:53,986 The name's Stan Smith, and I'm here to talk to El Narco. 163 00:07:56,224 --> 00:07:58,657 Stahn Smeeeeth. 164 00:08:02,420 --> 00:08:04,541 Hey, remind me. When we're done with this mission, 165 00:08:04,565 --> 00:08:06,076 I want to know what "la cucaracha" means. 166 00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:09,013 Whoa, El Narco's got a rhino. 167 00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:11,281 It's not even an albino rhino. 168 00:08:11,305 --> 00:08:13,217 What's wrong with this guy? All this money, 169 00:08:13,241 --> 00:08:15,285 and he's not even shoving it in everybody's face. 170 00:08:15,309 --> 00:08:17,821 Yeah, this is tasteful. Show me gaudy. 171 00:08:17,845 --> 00:08:19,756 I know. Where's the night club, right? 172 00:08:19,780 --> 00:08:22,092 - I bet he doesn't even have one. - Doesn't have a night club. 173 00:08:22,611 --> 00:08:24,761 Probably doesn't even enjoy soft kisses. 174 00:08:31,191 --> 00:08:34,704 I feel like I'm at college, and I've just met my best friend. 175 00:08:34,728 --> 00:08:35,906 Wait. What's your favorite movie? 176 00:08:35,930 --> 00:08:37,641 - Porn. - I've seen that. 177 00:08:37,665 --> 00:08:39,326 - My favorite part is when... - When the guy's like... 178 00:08:41,001 --> 00:08:43,047 Yes! I'm here for El Narco. 179 00:08:43,071 --> 00:08:47,851 Tell him Stan Smith is here and El Dumbass's time is up. 180 00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:49,119 Translate, my dude. 181 00:08:49,143 --> 00:08:50,654 - And I do a little of this. - Yeah. 182 00:08:50,678 --> 00:08:52,389 - And that. - Spell it out for them. 183 00:08:52,413 --> 00:08:55,125 - And a spin move, and... - That's word-for-word, bitches. 184 00:08:55,149 --> 00:08:57,060 I'm El Narco. 185 00:08:57,084 --> 00:09:00,864 Holy crap. The translator was El Narco? 186 00:09:00,888 --> 00:09:02,599 Yeah. Total betrayal. 187 00:09:02,623 --> 00:09:04,734 He was sitting in his throne, flipping me off 188 00:09:04,758 --> 00:09:07,071 - with his big, gray finger. - Gray? 189 00:09:07,095 --> 00:09:09,139 Yeah, he was a pretty weird-looking dude. 190 00:09:09,163 --> 00:09:10,540 And to make matters worse... 191 00:09:11,908 --> 00:09:13,277 This was a setup. 192 00:09:13,301 --> 00:09:15,345 You intercept one shipment in Miami 193 00:09:15,369 --> 00:09:18,414 and think you can take down my entire kingdom? Ha! 194 00:09:18,438 --> 00:09:21,351 Don't laugh yet 'cause my team is surrounding the compound 195 00:09:21,375 --> 00:09:24,821 and ready to kick it into high gear... now. 196 00:09:24,845 --> 00:09:25,922 We're all dead. 197 00:09:26,076 --> 00:09:29,293 Dude, you asked me to help you plan this. 198 00:09:29,317 --> 00:09:30,360 Kill him. 199 00:09:30,384 --> 00:09:32,596 Uh, daring escape. 200 00:09:32,620 --> 00:09:33,697 Smoke bomb. 201 00:09:38,392 --> 00:09:39,903 Why doesn't he spit it out? 202 00:09:39,927 --> 00:09:41,705 This guy makes me laugh. 203 00:09:43,597 --> 00:09:45,775 Now, fool, go back to America 204 00:09:45,799 --> 00:09:48,444 and spread the fame of El Narco. 205 00:09:48,468 --> 00:09:49,980 Oh, and one more thing. 206 00:09:50,004 --> 00:09:52,449 Of course I have a night club. 207 00:09:59,347 --> 00:10:00,991 An albino rhino. 208 00:10:01,015 --> 00:10:03,994 Oh, it was so hard not to tell you in the car. 209 00:10:04,018 --> 00:10:05,461 It was so hard. 210 00:10:05,485 --> 00:10:06,863 I wanted to tell you so bad, 211 00:10:06,887 --> 00:10:08,332 but I was like, "Err, yeah, 212 00:10:08,356 --> 00:10:10,867 uh, El Narco doesn't have one of those." 213 00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:17,292 So, El Narco sent you back to the U.S. 214 00:10:17,316 --> 00:10:18,826 with your tail between your legs? 215 00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:21,162 Ah, I could see how that would humble you. 216 00:10:21,186 --> 00:10:23,098 Humbled? No, sir. 217 00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:24,966 But your whole team died. 218 00:10:24,990 --> 00:10:26,101 What does that have to do with me? 219 00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:27,835 Those agents were dead weight. 220 00:10:27,859 --> 00:10:28,970 Now they were just dead. 221 00:10:28,994 --> 00:10:31,306 And my weight was lifted. 222 00:10:31,330 --> 00:10:34,442 Wow, you have a way with words. 223 00:10:34,466 --> 00:10:38,846 Would you order for me? I want a water and a bread. 224 00:10:38,870 --> 00:10:40,982 There was no way I was leaving Colombia 225 00:10:41,006 --> 00:10:42,650 without taking down El Narco. 226 00:10:42,674 --> 00:10:46,854 And I had my work cut out for me because he was beloved by all. 227 00:10:46,878 --> 00:10:49,457 El Narco! El Narco is here! 228 00:10:50,201 --> 00:10:52,127 Yes. And bringing gifts. 229 00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:53,483 Chickens. 230 00:10:54,686 --> 00:10:55,686 And hams. 231 00:10:56,688 --> 00:10:59,266 What about the sides, El Narco? 232 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:00,935 Yes, yes. 233 00:11:00,959 --> 00:11:03,338 Only the best for my people. 234 00:11:03,362 --> 00:11:05,272 Now we play soccer. 235 00:11:05,296 --> 00:11:07,698 Behold my golden leg. 236 00:11:10,435 --> 00:11:12,947 Uh, eh, goal! Go-o-o-o-al! 237 00:11:12,971 --> 00:11:14,149 Yeah. 238 00:11:14,517 --> 00:11:16,684 Yeah! 239 00:11:16,708 --> 00:11:19,487 He had the villagers wrapped around his finger, 240 00:11:19,511 --> 00:11:22,157 the same gray finger I mentioned earlier. 241 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,159 Wait, y-you keep mentioning that. 242 00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:25,560 You know who else has gray fingers... 243 00:11:25,584 --> 00:11:27,895 Yeah, probably El Narco's parents. 244 00:11:27,919 --> 00:11:29,965 But that's a story for a different time, 245 00:11:29,989 --> 00:11:32,756 a story that I don't know. 246 00:11:35,126 --> 00:11:36,504 El Americano! 247 00:11:36,528 --> 00:11:37,772 Shh. 248 00:11:37,796 --> 00:11:40,441 Ha! You look ridiculous hiding in the bushes. 249 00:11:40,465 --> 00:11:41,976 I thought I sent you home. 250 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,846 Good people, please, this man is not your friend. 251 00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:47,715 He's responsible for death and suffering in my country. 252 00:11:47,739 --> 00:11:50,585 He's an honest champion of the village. 253 00:11:50,609 --> 00:11:51,987 He gives us gifts. 254 00:11:52,011 --> 00:11:53,855 You don't understand. He... 255 00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:56,457 Mangos. Mangos, mangos, mangos for sale. 256 00:11:56,481 --> 00:11:58,793 - Sir, I'm trying to... - Juicy mangos. 257 00:11:58,817 --> 00:12:00,461 Eat what the toucans eat. 258 00:12:00,485 --> 00:12:02,129 Forget your stupid mangos. 259 00:12:02,153 --> 00:12:04,399 Now he judges our mangos! 260 00:12:08,359 --> 00:12:11,206 Hope you're not planning to drive anywhere. 261 00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:12,513 Car bomb! 262 00:12:16,367 --> 00:12:18,946 Ah, does this please my people? 263 00:12:18,970 --> 00:12:20,548 I declare a festival tomorrow 264 00:12:20,572 --> 00:12:23,150 to celebrate my victory over this fool. 265 00:12:23,174 --> 00:12:24,920 Car bomb! 266 00:12:25,044 --> 00:12:26,487 Car bomb! 267 00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:28,623 Ooh, a mean chicken. 268 00:12:28,647 --> 00:12:29,757 Get him, chicken. 269 00:12:31,316 --> 00:12:32,760 I needed a new plan 270 00:12:32,784 --> 00:12:36,698 to expose El Narco for the criminal he was. 271 00:12:36,722 --> 00:12:38,138 It'll never work. 272 00:12:38,470 --> 00:12:41,102 You left those sunglasses in Miami. 273 00:12:41,126 --> 00:12:43,438 Eat, se�or. 274 00:12:43,462 --> 00:12:46,307 Why do you show such kindness, Mango Man? 275 00:12:46,331 --> 00:12:49,577 Because I despise El Narco. 276 00:12:49,601 --> 00:12:53,380 That idiot says I have bad mangos. 277 00:12:53,404 --> 00:12:54,316 If they're so bad, 278 00:12:54,355 --> 00:12:57,985 why do the flies choose to lay their eggs in them, eh? 279 00:12:58,009 --> 00:12:59,254 Their own babies. 280 00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:01,989 - Mango Man used the word "idiot"? - Yep. 281 00:13:02,894 --> 00:13:04,992 How does that make you feel, Roger? 282 00:13:05,016 --> 00:13:06,193 Indifferent. 283 00:13:06,217 --> 00:13:07,595 You guys, I'm telling a story. 284 00:13:07,619 --> 00:13:11,855 Mr. Mango Man, will you work with me to take down El Narco? 285 00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:15,603 No, no, no. Too dangerous. 286 00:13:15,627 --> 00:13:17,472 I have already said too much. 287 00:13:17,496 --> 00:13:21,208 Mango, mango, mango. Night mango. 288 00:13:21,232 --> 00:13:22,744 Everything set for the festival? 289 00:13:22,768 --> 00:13:24,345 I know El Narco wants to move product, 290 00:13:24,369 --> 00:13:26,013 but... this feels risky. 291 00:13:26,037 --> 00:13:29,684 Just make sure Uncle Sam is filled with the goods. 292 00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:31,486 We both have to make sure, Dave. 293 00:13:31,510 --> 00:13:34,089 We are a team. This isn't just on me. 294 00:13:34,524 --> 00:13:36,891 I didn't know what he had planned for the festival, 295 00:13:36,915 --> 00:13:38,893 but I knew it would be my best chance 296 00:13:38,917 --> 00:13:41,763 to expose El Narco in front of his village. 297 00:13:41,787 --> 00:13:42,964 Uncle Sam. 298 00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:44,299 The float. 299 00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:46,033 The drugs are in the float. 300 00:13:46,057 --> 00:13:49,304 Time to do some good while looking even better. 301 00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:50,661 Mango Man, now! 302 00:13:52,798 --> 00:13:54,776 Oh, yeah, he... he said he wasn't gonna help. 303 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:56,311 He was very clear about that. 304 00:13:56,335 --> 00:13:59,236 Come on, try and steal it from me. 305 00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:03,050 Hey, what's going on? 306 00:14:03,074 --> 00:14:05,920 Gather round, amigos, as I expose El Narco 307 00:14:05,944 --> 00:14:08,856 for who he truly is... a drug dealer. 308 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,992 You'll never be able to show your face 309 00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:13,528 in 1980s Colombia again. 310 00:14:13,552 --> 00:14:16,820 And now I give you the real fool. 311 00:14:19,785 --> 00:14:23,070 Ha-ha! He's covered in rhino crap. 312 00:14:23,094 --> 00:14:25,807 What? No. Where's the coke? 313 00:14:25,831 --> 00:14:28,009 Or... Or is this the uncut stuff? 314 00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:30,011 Ohh! 315 00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:31,346 Ack! Ugh! 316 00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:32,814 Why do people like drugs? 317 00:14:32,838 --> 00:14:34,704 Ya ate shit, dude. 318 00:14:35,174 --> 00:14:37,907 I can't believe you fell for my trick. 319 00:14:39,126 --> 00:14:41,422 Aw, no way, he fell back in! 320 00:14:41,446 --> 00:14:43,158 Oh, here, let me help you up. 321 00:14:43,182 --> 00:14:44,492 No. 322 00:14:44,516 --> 00:14:46,813 He kissed the anteater! 323 00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:50,297 The anteater loves him. That's his girlfriend now. 324 00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:56,504 And for dessert, car bomb! 325 00:14:58,063 --> 00:15:00,307 Aw, man, that was my Ferrari. 326 00:15:00,331 --> 00:15:01,643 How could I be so stupid? 327 00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:04,912 It wasn't you, El Narco. It was the fool's fault. 328 00:15:04,936 --> 00:15:07,582 - Don't call me that. - Yeah, the fool made me do it. 329 00:15:07,606 --> 00:15:09,984 In fact, from here until forever, 330 00:15:10,008 --> 00:15:13,188 I declare this festival the Day of the Fool. 331 00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:15,190 - Fool! Fool! - No. 332 00:15:15,214 --> 00:15:17,258 I'm not a fool. Stop it. 333 00:15:17,282 --> 00:15:18,459 Hear that? 334 00:15:18,483 --> 00:15:20,327 You'll always be a turd-slipping, 335 00:15:20,351 --> 00:15:23,064 anteater-kissing, balls-hurting fool. 336 00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:24,099 My balls don't hurt. 337 00:15:26,025 --> 00:15:28,069 El Narco was right. 338 00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:29,604 My balls did hurt. 339 00:15:29,628 --> 00:15:33,208 And arrogant Stan was always going to be a fool. 340 00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:35,543 So I left that Stan in Colombia. 341 00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:36,944 And who returned? 342 00:15:36,968 --> 00:15:38,613 The man I am today. 343 00:15:38,637 --> 00:15:42,817 A methodical, hard-working agent who'd never be a fool again. 344 00:15:42,841 --> 00:15:45,286 - Fool? - Not at this table, friend. 345 00:15:45,310 --> 00:15:47,422 It is. It's you, the fool. 346 00:15:48,980 --> 00:15:51,559 Wait, you're the fool of Fool's Day? 347 00:15:51,583 --> 00:15:53,094 The fool. The fool. 348 00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:54,429 The fool. The fool. The fool. The fool. 349 00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:57,365 No, no. I-I left all that behind. 350 00:15:57,389 --> 00:15:59,567 He kissed it again! 351 00:15:59,591 --> 00:16:02,693 Mm, get it, girl. I ain't jealous. 352 00:16:06,946 --> 00:16:08,390 Get that away from me, Roger. 353 00:16:08,414 --> 00:16:10,259 You're almost as bad as El Narco. 354 00:16:10,283 --> 00:16:11,393 Dad, are you kidding? 355 00:16:11,417 --> 00:16:13,996 Roger is El Narco. 356 00:16:14,020 --> 00:16:15,197 No. 357 00:16:15,221 --> 00:16:16,599 Blowing up cars, 358 00:16:16,623 --> 00:16:19,201 publicly shaming you for his own amusement. 359 00:16:19,225 --> 00:16:22,004 - Being piss-poor at soccer. - Tread lightly, bitch. 360 00:16:22,028 --> 00:16:25,140 Wait. Hold this. 361 00:16:26,049 --> 00:16:29,077 Damn it. Roger, I should kill you. 362 00:16:29,101 --> 00:16:30,145 But you won't. 363 00:16:30,169 --> 00:16:33,081 'Cause I made you the man you are today? 364 00:16:34,131 --> 00:16:36,485 How did this stupid, little holiday you started 365 00:16:36,509 --> 00:16:37,820 spread around the dang world? 366 00:16:37,844 --> 00:16:39,855 Hey, it's one day a year where people don't have to 367 00:16:39,893 --> 00:16:42,157 feel bad about the stupid things they do. 368 00:16:42,181 --> 00:16:43,292 Who wouldn't want that? 369 00:16:43,316 --> 00:16:46,517 You. You made me cheat on my wife. 370 00:16:47,253 --> 00:16:49,632 And he told me you're going to make him do it again 371 00:16:49,656 --> 00:16:51,489 this year at Red Rocks! 372 00:16:53,125 --> 00:16:56,972 - Roger, we're stopping this holiday. - How are you gonna stop it? 373 00:16:56,996 --> 00:16:59,374 Well, it started when I couldn't catch El Narco. 374 00:16:59,398 --> 00:17:02,177 But if I show the village that I did catch him, 375 00:17:02,201 --> 00:17:03,512 I'll be de-fooled. 376 00:17:03,536 --> 00:17:05,780 Roger, we're going to Colombia. 377 00:17:05,804 --> 00:17:07,182 Ohh, sorry, I can't. 378 00:17:07,206 --> 00:17:09,452 My improv group, Pizza Party Weekend, 379 00:17:09,476 --> 00:17:10,785 has a cage match tonight. 380 00:17:10,809 --> 00:17:12,321 No. We're leaving now. 381 00:17:12,345 --> 00:17:13,788 Oh, are we? 382 00:17:13,812 --> 00:17:16,747 Looks like we got ourselves a standoff. 383 00:17:18,017 --> 00:17:20,663 I'm taking you to Colombia. 384 00:17:20,687 --> 00:17:21,930 No way. 385 00:17:21,954 --> 00:17:24,467 My improv team needs me, Stan. 386 00:17:24,491 --> 00:17:26,724 I do all the Southern characters. 387 00:17:28,094 --> 00:17:29,938 This isn't happening, Stan. 388 00:17:29,962 --> 00:17:31,330 Oh, it's happening. 389 00:17:32,298 --> 00:17:35,077 Oh, don't worry. That thing's always going off. 390 00:17:35,101 --> 00:17:37,145 No Colombia. 391 00:17:37,169 --> 00:17:38,613 Yes Colombia. 392 00:17:38,637 --> 00:17:41,350 Flight 718 to Colombia is overbooked. 393 00:17:41,374 --> 00:17:43,752 We are offering vouchers and hotel accommodations 394 00:17:43,776 --> 00:17:46,221 to anyone willing to fly tomorrow. 395 00:17:46,245 --> 00:17:49,624 You'll have to kill me to get me to Colombia. 396 00:17:49,648 --> 00:17:51,293 We can make that happen. 397 00:17:51,317 --> 00:17:54,563 I need the bathroom, and you're coming with me. 398 00:17:54,587 --> 00:17:57,366 I'll go anywhere but Colombia. 399 00:18:00,459 --> 00:18:03,438 Who's in Colombia now? 400 00:18:03,462 --> 00:18:06,041 Oh, no, my improv group. 401 00:18:06,065 --> 00:18:07,776 Alright. 402 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:09,244 Uh, did someone order a pizza box 403 00:18:09,268 --> 00:18:11,847 with a bunch of comedy inside? 404 00:18:11,871 --> 00:18:14,449 We just need a location to get us started. 405 00:18:14,473 --> 00:18:16,040 The deep South! 406 00:18:17,343 --> 00:18:21,656 Okay, we're two hungry out-of-town New Yorkers. 407 00:18:28,087 --> 00:18:31,622 It's your fault I crashed my sister's car, fool. 408 00:18:35,094 --> 00:18:37,806 Mama, I'm sorry I wet the bed. 409 00:18:37,830 --> 00:18:40,832 It's okay, Marco. It was the fool. 410 00:18:41,901 --> 00:18:44,101 You made me wet my bed, fool! 411 00:18:45,037 --> 00:18:47,282 No, he didn't. It was you. 412 00:18:48,167 --> 00:18:49,418 The fool walks among us. 413 00:18:49,442 --> 00:18:51,153 The fool. The fool. The fool. The fool. 414 00:18:51,177 --> 00:18:54,623 Maybe I was the fool once, but I'm a changed man. 415 00:18:54,647 --> 00:18:57,025 And you'll all have to start taking responsibility 416 00:18:57,049 --> 00:18:58,827 - for your own mistakes. - Why? 417 00:18:58,851 --> 00:19:01,830 Because after 20 years of being a joke, 418 00:19:01,854 --> 00:19:05,434 I have finally caught your famous El Narco. 419 00:19:06,725 --> 00:19:10,038 What? I got him. I won. 420 00:19:10,062 --> 00:19:12,040 Roger, why are they laughing? 421 00:19:12,064 --> 00:19:14,131 Whoa, you need a new moisturizer. 422 00:19:15,334 --> 00:19:16,511 Oh, dang. 423 00:19:19,096 --> 00:19:22,051 I'm still the same fool I was 20 years ago. 424 00:19:22,118 --> 00:19:23,652 I thought I changed. 425 00:19:23,676 --> 00:19:25,320 I thought I was a better man. 426 00:19:25,344 --> 00:19:28,723 But I'm a fool now, and I'm gonna die a fool. 427 00:19:30,749 --> 00:19:33,528 Mister, there's a fool in all of us, 428 00:19:33,552 --> 00:19:36,331 and this holiday makes us feel better. 429 00:19:36,355 --> 00:19:38,189 You know what to do. 430 00:19:40,827 --> 00:19:43,861 Oh, my God. Throw it. 431 00:19:44,831 --> 00:19:46,875 Yeah, I knew that. 432 00:19:46,899 --> 00:19:49,066 This is all your fault, fool. 433 00:19:50,637 --> 00:19:52,881 Whoa. That does feel good. 434 00:19:52,905 --> 00:19:54,405 Give me another. 435 00:19:55,821 --> 00:19:57,219 Oh, yeah. 436 00:19:57,243 --> 00:19:58,954 And I got some other gripes. 437 00:19:58,978 --> 00:20:01,690 This is for the time I accidentally said "I love you" 438 00:20:01,714 --> 00:20:03,758 to the DirecTV operator as I hung up. 439 00:20:04,851 --> 00:20:06,761 - And this is... - Stan, buddy, 440 00:20:06,785 --> 00:20:08,964 I'm sorry I lied to you for 20 years. 441 00:20:08,988 --> 00:20:11,033 It's okay. The fool made you do it. 442 00:20:11,057 --> 00:20:13,302 In fact, he deserves worse than mangos. 443 00:20:13,563 --> 00:20:15,504 Ah, you son of a bitch. 444 00:20:17,864 --> 00:20:20,242 This guy's got incredible aim. 445 00:20:20,266 --> 00:20:21,376 Smoke bomb. 446 00:20:29,942 --> 00:20:31,654 I'll take two. 447 00:20:31,678 --> 00:20:33,656 Wait. Is this you? 448 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,324 It's all of us, really. 449 00:20:36,058 --> 00:20:38,126 Hey, you broke my statues! 450 00:20:38,150 --> 00:20:39,261 Blame it on the fool. 451 00:20:39,285 --> 00:20:41,196 You're not even wearing pants! 452 00:20:41,220 --> 00:20:46,157 And yet my dignity's intact, thanks to Fool's Day. 453 00:20:49,033 --> 00:20:50,673 What a [BLEEP] moron. 454 00:20:55,568 --> 00:20:57,268 Bye! Have a beautiful time! 455 00:20:57,269 --> 00:20:59,369 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com 32643

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