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1
00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:05,039
(ENGINE REVVING)
2
00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:09,110
(TRAIN WHISTLE)
3
00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:12,213
(OCEAN LINER HORN BLOWS)
4
00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:18,786
♫♫
5
00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:56,357
(CHEERING)
6
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Thank you, everybody! Hello.
7
00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:06,534
JEREMY: Thank you.
8
00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:09,503
Thank you so much!
9
00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:16,144
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you so much.
10
00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:17,811
This is The Grand Tour,
11
00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:19,980
and this week...
we've come home!
12
00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:21,615
(WILD CHEERING)
13
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:25,619
We're back!
We're back in Britain.
14
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We're actually in Yorkshire,
which is...
15
00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:32,526
-(CHEERING)
-There you go.
16
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Which is where
all three of us grew up.
17
00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:37,965
-Specifically--
Yeah, specifically...
-MAN: Whitby!
18
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We're in the fishing port
of Whitby. There it is.
19
00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:43,171
(CHEERING)
20
00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:48,309
Now, Whitby,
of course, is famous
all around the world
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for its unbelievable
fish and chips.
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JAMES: With scraps.
-(LAUGHTER)
23
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You what?
24
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Fish and chips with scraps.
You get scraps.
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Little bits of batter that
stay in the bottom of
the fryer.
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-Yeah, scraps.
-No, they're bits.
27
00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:03,191
-Fish and chips with bits.
-No, it's scraps.
28
00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:05,193
(AUDIENCE CALLING OUT)
29
00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,861
-It is bits! Bits!
-(CALLING OUT CONTINUES)
30
00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:09,963
Right, hands up for bits.
31
00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:11,765
RICHARD: Wrong!
JEREMY: Scraps?
32
00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:13,534
(CHEERING)
33
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-See, it's scraps.
-Don't argue with me.
34
00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:16,704
(LAUGHTER)
35
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,806
Because I was born
in Yorkshire.
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00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:22,643
Every single one of my family
back to the 17th century's
from Yorkshire.
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00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:24,678
I'm the most Yorkshire person
in the world.
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00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:27,881
You know, it's funny,
cos you can't tell.
You really wouldn't know.
39
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:31,585
-(LAUGHTER)
-Yorkshire people are famous
for speaking their mind.
40
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,754
-(LAUGHTER)
-And when you... We...
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00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:36,290
We never know
what you're thinking.
It's just...
42
00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:37,958
What am I thinking now?
43
00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:39,493
You're thinking
you're brilliant
44
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,295
and I'm an irritating
little short-arse.
45
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:42,696
(LAUGHTER)
46
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,665
-How did you know?
-Yeah, it's just...
47
00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:47,134
-It's incredible!
-Yeah, I'm psychic, mate.
48
00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:50,338
Other things Yorkshire's
famous for: cricket.
That's not interesting.
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00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:53,874
Ooh, and then there was
a TV show called
Last Of The Summer Wine,
50
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:57,911
which was about three
very badly dressed old men
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00:02:57,978 --> 00:02:59,513
who fell over,
52
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,615
and everything
they ever did went wrong.
53
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:02,616
(LAUGHTER)
54
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,252
-It was rubbish.
RICHARD: Yeah, terrible.
55
00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:05,919
I don't know why
that took off.
56
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:07,488
Erm... Carmaking?
57
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:08,889
Well, let's put it this way.
58
00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:10,624
It's not exactly the Detroit
of the British Isles.
59
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,460
-(LAUGHTER)
-No, it's not.
60
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:15,796
But there is a lot
of motoring-related stuff
here this week,
61
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:18,098
because we're in town.
62
00:03:18,165 --> 00:03:19,600
(CHEERING)
63
00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:22,836
So, let's get on
with the show.
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00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,372
Yes, let's.
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00:03:26,274 --> 00:03:28,509
We begin in Victorian times,
66
00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:30,978
when James May
was a little old lady.
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00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,179
(LAUGHTER)
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00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,749
You see, back then,
gentlemen of means--
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00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:38,586
-Rich people in tweed suits.
-Yes, rich people
in tweed suits
70
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:41,889
would take what was
known as the Grand Tour.
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00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,891
They'd go off
to France or Italy,
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00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:47,060
and they'd spend a few months
learning about culture
73
00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:48,729
and wine and music.
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00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:51,299
Nowadays, of course,
everybody goes to Magaluf
75
00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:53,967
and learns about beer
and vomit and chlamydia.
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00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:55,303
-(LAUGHTER)
JAMES: Yeah.
77
00:03:55,303 --> 00:03:57,738
Now, we think
this is a real shame,
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00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:59,607
so Jeremy and I went off
to Italy
79
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:03,311
to do our own modern take
on the Grand Tour.
80
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:05,546
A wonderful,
inspirational journey
81
00:04:05,613 --> 00:04:07,915
that not only gave its name
to this show,
82
00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:11,018
but also to 1,000 GT cars:
83
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,520
grand tourers.
84
00:04:17,525 --> 00:04:21,862
JEREMY: Our start point
was the Tuscan hilltop city
of Siena.
85
00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:29,136
Home to the most exciting
horse race in the world:
86
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:31,038
the Palio.
87
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,673
-(GUNSHOT)
-(CHEERING)
88
00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:37,545
(SHOUTS)
89
00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:42,850
Look at that! Wow!
90
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:47,555
It was the beginning of
what would be a very fabulous
91
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,457
and very cultured journey.
92
00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:54,462
We'd visit the magnificent
cities of Florence
93
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:56,163
and Bologna and Verona
94
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:58,131
on our way
to the finishing point
95
00:04:58,198 --> 00:05:01,735
in the most magnificent city
of them all:
96
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,003
Venice.
97
00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:05,873
The cars we'd be driving
were fabulous, too.
98
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:09,777
James had chosen
the Rolls-Royce Dawn,
99
00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:13,547
a new two-door, drop-head
version of the Ghost.
100
00:05:15,383 --> 00:05:17,385
And I'd be in the DB11,
101
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:19,086
the latest in a long line
102
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:23,457
of elegant and beautiful
Aston Martin grand tourers.
103
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:27,561
Even its door mirrors
are beautiful.
104
00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:29,463
Its wheels are beautiful.
105
00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:30,898
This is...
106
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:34,402
This is one of the most
beautiful cars I've ever seen.
107
00:05:34,402 --> 00:05:35,703
JAMES: Shame it's brown.
108
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:38,406
-It isn't brown!
-Yes, it is.
109
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,641
It isn't brown!
It's Sunset Orange.
110
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:43,411
It's not brown in the way
that my car is green.
111
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:44,745
It's brown.
112
00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:47,481
Your car is a convertible
BMW 7 Series.
113
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:48,682
JAMES: No, it isn't.
114
00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:50,651
JEREMY: But is it
a 7 Series underneath?
115
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:52,620
-Bits of the floor panel.
-There you go.
116
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:55,789
£265,000
for a convertible 7 Series.
117
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:56,924
It isn't!
118
00:05:56,990 --> 00:05:58,526
If you're going to drive
across Italy,
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00:05:58,592 --> 00:06:00,528
which we're going to do,
taking in some culture...
120
00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:02,095
-Mm-hm.
-...that's what you need.
121
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:03,897
-A brown car?
-It isn't brown!
122
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:07,668
-It's brown!
-Look, let's not bicker.
123
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:11,271
Actually, on this occasion,
let's get on.
124
00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:12,773
We are both
going to drive across
125
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,809
what is, I think, our
favourite country
in the world,
126
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:18,646
enjoy some culture,
enjoy some fine wine,
127
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,347
some food, some art, some...
128
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:22,550
(DISTANT ENGINE REVVING)
129
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:25,085
-What was that?
-(DIXIE HORN BLARES)
130
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,523
-Is that Hammond?
-Sorry I'm late.
131
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,191
We didn't know
you were coming.
132
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:32,493
We rather hoped you weren't.
133
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,162
Well, I am, and look at
the car I've brought.
134
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:38,599
Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat.
135
00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:40,801
707 American horsepower,
136
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:43,671
and enough torque to pull
that old building down.
137
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,006
JAMES: Just...
That "old building" is a...
138
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,274
Oh, well, never mind.
139
00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:50,811
Hammond, Tuscany, not really
the home of the muscle car.
140
00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:55,483
Yeah, you see, I was worried
you two were gonna be all
boring and serious.
141
00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:57,851
And I am here to make sure
this trip is fun
142
00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,920
because don't tell me
the original Grand Tour
wasn't fun.
143
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:02,756
It was like an 18th century
Cannonball Run,
144
00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:05,192
only with old-fashioned
morphine instead of cocaine.
145
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,627
This is gonna be brilliant.
146
00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:08,061
What's with your advertising?
147
00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:10,564
Well, because the Americans
used to do the Grand Tour,
148
00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:12,566
and they used to get sponsors
to help cover the costs,
149
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:14,034
so I've got myself
some sponsorship.
150
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,169
JEREMY: What, Bobby's...
What is a grit?
151
00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:17,738
That's a... It's a...
152
00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:19,673
a bit left over
after coffee or potatoes?
153
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,509
-I don't know.
-Well, it's there.
154
00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:23,010
"Rodeo Lube 'N' Tune."
155
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:25,613
RICHARD: "Lube 'N' Tune."
Yep, look at that.
156
00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:27,715
The things is, people will
look at me in that
157
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,717
and know
I am on a Grand Tour.
158
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,952
You, they'll think,
"What are these two
old farts doing?"
159
00:07:32,019 --> 00:07:34,021
JEREMY: Seriously--
-You have made no effort.
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00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,123
You haven't got into
the mood for this.
161
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:38,759
Art, music, culture.
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00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,327
JAMES: Refinement.
JEREMY: Yes.
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00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:42,730
JEREMY: Is this something
to do with you?
-(HORN BLARING)
164
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,231
RICHARD: Yes.
Yes, they're here.
165
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,534
These are my spare tyres.
166
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,368
Because on a trip like this,
167
00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:50,938
in a car with that much power
and that much torque,
168
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:52,540
I am gonna get through
some tyres.
169
00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:53,807
-Tree.
-Yeah.
170
00:07:57,110 --> 00:08:00,581
That lot was not gonna fit in
the boot, or trunk, was it?
171
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,751
That is luxury!
That is grand touring.
172
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:08,589
JEREMY: Reluctantly,
we agreed to let our
vulgar colleague tag along.
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00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:27,841
(ENGINE REVVING)
174
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:30,077
Ha-ha!
175
00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:33,213
Hammond, you're deliberately
making an irritating noise.
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00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,447
Please stop it.
177
00:08:34,582 --> 00:08:36,083
(GIGGLES) I am, yeah.
178
00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:45,192
I will freely admit that
Hammond's Dodge Hellcat
is a remarkable car.
179
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:52,299
It would be perfect
if we were at a tractor pull
in Milwaukee.
180
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:55,335
But we're not. We're here.
181
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:57,204
And here in Tuscany...
182
00:08:58,471 --> 00:08:59,840
...you need one of these.
183
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:17,057
This is the all-new
replacement for the DB9,
184
00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:20,728
and it is the perfect car
for the job.
185
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,497
It even comes with
three running modes.
186
00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:27,300
You've got Sport, Sport Plus,
187
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,102
and the one I'm gonna use.
188
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,139
GT.
189
00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:33,674
Grand Touring.
190
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:40,648
Up front, there's a 5.2
litre, twin-turbocharged V12
191
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:44,051
which produces
600 horsepower.
192
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:46,654
And they are smooth
horsepower.
193
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,155
(ENGINE REVS)
194
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:50,658
Dreamy horsepower.
195
00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:58,198
In the fullness of time,
you'll be able to buy
a cheaper version of this car
196
00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:01,101
with an AMG V8.
197
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:04,037
It's all part of a deal
that Aston have done
with Mercedes,
198
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,139
and you can see evidence
of the deal already.
199
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:08,876
This has got
Mercedes switchgear,
Mercedes electronics.
200
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,111
It's even got
Mercedes sat-nav.
201
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:14,948
And I've got to say...
202
00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,349
Aston Martin and Mercedes,
203
00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:19,987
that is the best
Anglo-German marriage
204
00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,790
since Queen Victoria
married Albert.
205
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,526
James, though, disagreed.
206
00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:29,830
Actually, this is the best
Anglo-German marriage.
207
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:37,170
It's perfect, in fact,
because it has all the things
208
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:40,207
that we like to think of as
being Britishness in a car.
209
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:42,910
The sense that it was made
by men in aprons,
210
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:46,546
that there are craft skills
and traditional materials
involved.
211
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:49,116
But then you've got
the Germans there,
with their hi-tech
212
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,752
and their
manufacturing efficiency.
213
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,022
It's absolutely wonderful.
214
00:10:56,690 --> 00:11:00,293
It's... It's very serene.
215
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,830
There are a lot of numbers
I could quote on this car.
216
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,798
You know, the usual:
top speed, power, 0-60.
217
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,734
All that sort of
irrelevant rubbish.
218
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:11,438
But I'm not going to,
because that would be,
frankly, uncouth.
219
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,741
(DISTANT ENGINE REVVING)
220
00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:15,308
Oh, talking of uncouth...
221
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:21,749
I'll admit,
this is not a quiet car.
222
00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:23,250
(REVVING)
223
00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:30,590
You've got that big bass
rumble and roar
224
00:11:30,657 --> 00:11:33,393
from the 6.2 litre V8 HEMI.
225
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:37,330
And over the top,
that shrill, manic whine
of the supercharger.
226
00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:41,434
Neither is it a particularly
economical one.
227
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:45,873
At full chat,
it'll chew through
its 18.5-gallon fuel tank
228
00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:47,808
in just 13 minutes.
229
00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:53,814
And, in fact, it needs
so much air to mix with all
that petrol it's drinking,
230
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:56,083
they had to remove
one of the headlights
231
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:58,351
and replace it
with a ram-air intake
232
00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,320
to feed air to the engine.
233
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,956
So they swapped its eye
for a nostril.
234
00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:09,496
The upside of all this,
however,
235
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:13,333
is that it's extremely fast.
236
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:17,170
It'll do the standing quarter
faster than
a Porsche 911 GT3,
237
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,306
but it costs, what, £50,000?
238
00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:22,876
You could have five of these
for one of James May's
Rolls-Royces.
239
00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:26,646
Oh, hello. This looks like
a tunnel opportunity.
240
00:12:26,713 --> 00:12:28,415
(REVVING ECHOES)
241
00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:31,518
JAMES: Stop doing that!
242
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,821
(LAUGHS)
243
00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:37,690
JAMES: That is
a genuinely horrible noise
that Hammond's car's making,
244
00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:39,827
and he just keeps doing it.
245
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:44,898
He keeps stamping one pedal,
then stamping the other one,
in his binary style.
246
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:47,000
(INTERMITTENT REVVING)
247
00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:53,540
Sadly, the engine noise
wasn't the only irritation.
248
00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:58,545
Is this just going to be
a tour of Italy's
petrol stations?
249
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:01,281
Well, it depends
how far apart they are,
doesn't it, really?
250
00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:03,851
Look at it this way, think of
the snacking opportunities.
251
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:05,853
You've come to Italy
for food.
252
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:07,154
Yeah, but not crisps.
253
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,356
No, not crisps and hideous
sausages from America.
254
00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:11,992
You don't know.
It'll be different
in different petrol stations.
255
00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:13,693
-It won't.
-It will.
256
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,628
Are there any Renaissance
petrol stations we could visit?
Baroque?
257
00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:18,431
No. Nor are there any
Renaissance sausage rolls
in there.
258
00:13:18,498 --> 00:13:19,499
JAMES: For God's sake.
259
00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:21,001
Having filled up his car,
260
00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:24,371
and himself,
we were back on the road.
261
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:29,877
A quick situation update.
262
00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:31,511
I'm driving through
sunny It--
263
00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:34,181
-(HELLCAT'S ENGINE REVVING)
-Shut up!
264
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:37,484
Bad news, James. I'm afraid
there's a tunnel coming up.
265
00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:39,186
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
266
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:41,388
Don't do it, Hammond.
Just relax.
Enjoy a bit of quiet.
267
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:43,290
(ENGINE REVVING)
268
00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:46,559
JAMES: Stop it!
269
00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:48,595
(LAUGHS)
270
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:50,063
You have got to love that!
271
00:13:52,099 --> 00:13:55,735
JEREMY: Soon, we arrived
in the Renaissance city
of Florence,
272
00:13:55,802 --> 00:13:59,372
a traditional stopping point
on the Grand Tour of old.
273
00:14:01,074 --> 00:14:03,143
Architecture.
274
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:06,980
Opera di Firenze.
This is what we're here for.
275
00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:09,049
This is why we're here.
276
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,384
Best of all, though,
277
00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:15,722
James and I
had managed to lose Hammond.
278
00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:19,292
JEREMY:
He's really offending you,
isn't he, with his Dodge?
279
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,361
Honestly,
I wouldn't say this lightly,
280
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:24,264
but I have developed
a genuine, deep,
281
00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:26,967
deep, heartfelt hatred
for that thing.
282
00:14:27,034 --> 00:14:31,939
I can tell. You're going to
go like Inspector Dreyfus in
the Pink Panther films soon.
283
00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:33,740
You're not wrong.
I've developed a twitch.
284
00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:36,977
When he comes near me
and I'm waiting for
that stupid noise it makes,
285
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:38,478
my eye starts quivering.
286
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,613
It's like somebody
constantly being sick on you
287
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,316
while you're trying
to read a nice book.
288
00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:47,520
JAMES: As we were on our own,
289
00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:49,356
Jeremy and I
decided to head for
290
00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,291
the renowned
Uffizi Gallery...
291
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:55,028
where we would enjoy
a bit of peace and quiet
292
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:57,297
as we appreciated
its treasures.
293
00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:04,304
(DISTANT REVVING, SQUEALING)
294
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,343
(SQUEALING CONTINUES)
295
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:14,481
Who's hungry?
Cos it's doughnut time!
296
00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:15,983
Yeah!
297
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:19,186
You can have that one!
298
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,354
Put sprinkles on that!
299
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:24,524
Party on the hill in...
wherever we are. Italy.
300
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,993
Ya-ha!
301
00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:29,729
Finally bringing some life
into this place!
302
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:31,631
(SQUEALING CONTINUES)
303
00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:36,236
JEREMY: After Hammond
had fitted some new tyres...
304
00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:43,176
...James and I abandoned
our visit to the Uffizi...
305
00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:46,113
and escorted him out of town.
306
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:48,381
Hammond, we could see
the smoke from your tyres
307
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:51,218
from the other side
of the city.
308
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,619
RICHARD: I know! I know!
309
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:55,455
Nobody in history has ever,
310
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:58,291
ever doughnuted
an Aston Martin.
311
00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:01,361
Yeah, they're not
young buyers, are they?
312
00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:04,064
JEREMY: No,
they're refined and cultured.
313
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:10,037
I envy you, Hammond,
cos you get to look at
my Aston Martin.
314
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:14,041
-Yeah, but there's a big
problem with it visually.
-What?
315
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,842
It's brown!
316
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:20,047
Sunburst Orange
is what it is.
317
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,715
RICHARD: Jeremy,
I shouldn't worry.
We all know the expression.
318
00:16:22,782 --> 00:16:25,052
Brown sky at night,
shepherd's delight.
319
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,755
That bloke's been done
for that theft, you know?
320
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,157
They caught him brown-handed.
321
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:31,858
I'm starting to imagine
322
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:37,064
what Richard Hammond
would look like without
a head... or skin.
323
00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:40,433
Once Hammond
had finished rubbishing
the Aston's colour,
324
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:43,136
he started to challenge
its performance.
325
00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:49,742
Hammond is driving along
behind me now
like he wants to get past.
326
00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:53,080
Stupid boy.
327
00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:57,817
What is the top speed
of that car of yours?
328
00:16:57,884 --> 00:17:00,320
199 miles an hour.
329
00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:05,392
Exactly. This will do 200,
so back off.
330
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:08,461
Well, yes,
but it's 100 grand more.
331
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,630
That's a very expensive
mile an hour.
332
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:15,835
JEREMY: Rather than get into
a pointless war of words,
333
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:18,771
I decided
to put Hammond in his place
334
00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:21,174
and invited him
to pull over here...
335
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,444
...at the Mugello race track.
336
00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:31,251
Why have you brought me
to this not-at-all
cultural place?
337
00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:35,522
Because I want
to teach him a lesson
about what real speed is.
338
00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:37,657
But he's got
over 700 horsepower.
339
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,426
Yes, I know,
but you remember Jaws:
340
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:40,860
big metal teeth, huge man?
341
00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:43,563
James Bond simply threw him
through a window,
342
00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:45,732
and that's
what I'm gonna do to him.
343
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:49,169
-Do you mind
if I don't take part in this?
-(LAUGHS)
344
00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,470
I'll do it.
345
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:57,377
JEREMY: So, as Hammond
had some new tyres fitted...
346
00:17:57,444 --> 00:18:01,581
again, I took to the track
for some sighting laps.
347
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:08,621
Now, let's get one thing
straight from the start.
348
00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:14,694
Aston Martins are not really
designed to do track work.
349
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:17,830
They're designed
to look good, and that's it.
350
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:22,369
Yes, the chassis on this,
the DB11,
351
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:25,071
was developed
by a former Lotus engineer,
352
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:26,506
but they actually told him
353
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:29,842
to tune it more for comfort
than handling.
354
00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:33,546
That being said,
355
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:38,718
this has an aluminium chassis
and some aero trickery.
356
00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:43,390
Air is sucked into holes
behind the rear windows
357
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:48,195
and then shot out of a vent
on the boot lid,
358
00:18:48,195 --> 00:18:50,230
giving me
a sort of air rear wing.
359
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:55,735
Giving me grip...
a lot of grip.
360
00:18:56,903 --> 00:19:00,440
And the traction control
is simply astonishing.
361
00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:03,876
In most cars, it's like
somebody hitting you
on the head with a hammer,
362
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:05,345
but in this, it's just going,
363
00:19:05,412 --> 00:19:08,648
"Erm... Hang on, hang on,
hang on." There you go.
364
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:13,286
Bloody hellfire!
This is very, very good.
365
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:20,227
Certainly it's good enough
to be able to totally destroy
366
00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:22,429
Hammond's idiotic Dodge.
367
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:28,468
This does not have
a magnesium roof,
368
00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:30,603
carbon-fibre prop shaft.
369
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:33,072
The engine isn't made
from aluminium,
it's made from cast iron.
370
00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:36,243
And you get the impression
they'd have made it
from stone if they could.
371
00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:41,548
What it does have
is vast reserves of power,
372
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:44,116
and even vaster reserves
of character.
373
00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:45,752
This thing is just hilarious.
374
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:52,425
(LAUGHS)
375
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:55,528
Look at him
in his little brown Aston,
376
00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:58,331
being all in control, and
just not having fun, is he?
377
00:19:58,398 --> 00:19:59,832
I mean, what's the point?
378
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:04,504
JEREMY: Showboating.
Probably thinks I can't.
379
00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:07,640
Well, I'm sorry, Hammond,
this is a 600 horsepower,
380
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,476
rear-wheel drive
Aston Martin.
381
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:13,280
So I turned
the traction control off,
382
00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:15,382
and all hell broke loose.
383
00:20:29,796 --> 00:20:30,997
(RICHARD LAUGHS)
384
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,465
It will do this all day.
385
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:37,236
JEREMY: Meanwhile...
386
00:20:37,304 --> 00:20:38,971
(BIRDS SINGING)
387
00:20:39,038 --> 00:20:41,508
JAMES: One of the purposes
of the original Grand Tour
388
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,876
wasn't just to look at things
and learn about things.
389
00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:46,479
It was also to enhance
your capabilities.
390
00:20:46,546 --> 00:20:48,448
You would learn to do things.
391
00:20:48,515 --> 00:20:51,050
You might do...
I don't know,
writing sonnets,
392
00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:54,421
playing musical instruments,
regional cooking, maybe.
393
00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:56,689
I'm having a go at
watercolour painting.
394
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,925
-It's absolutely delightful.
-(ENGINES REVVING)
395
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:01,328
Apart from my reverie
is occasionally interrupted
396
00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:05,332
by the... disgusting bellow
of Hammond's muscle car.
397
00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:10,970
JEREMY: Mr. Hammond appears
to have organised a helicopter
398
00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:12,472
to record the event.
399
00:21:14,807 --> 00:21:17,577
Ha-ha, Clarkson!
Get past me now!
400
00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:20,813
Smokescreen you. (LAUGHS)
401
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:26,719
What a moron you are,
Hammond!
402
00:21:28,087 --> 00:21:29,622
Get out of my way!
403
00:21:32,191 --> 00:21:36,062
This is not a particularly
cultural thing to do...
404
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:37,664
but it is very good fun.
405
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:45,672
(CLATTERING)
406
00:21:45,738 --> 00:21:49,776
Even though Hammond and I
were having a big smoky riot,
407
00:21:49,842 --> 00:21:51,544
we'd learned nothing at all.
408
00:21:52,679 --> 00:21:54,881
So we decided
to get scientific
409
00:21:54,947 --> 00:21:58,418
and do a proper
timed flying lap.
410
00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:11,531
This matters.
411
00:22:11,598 --> 00:22:13,833
This is for Britain.
This is for Europe.
412
00:22:15,201 --> 00:22:16,403
RICHARD: No silly business.
413
00:22:16,469 --> 00:22:18,871
Let's just get round this
as fast as we can.
414
00:22:25,612 --> 00:22:27,480
JEREMY: With the flying lap
completed,
415
00:22:27,547 --> 00:22:29,649
we met to compare times.
416
00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:34,053
-Go on, then.
-All right, then. Two...
417
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:35,822
-Yes.
-Yes.
418
00:22:35,888 --> 00:22:38,024
18 seconds...
419
00:22:38,090 --> 00:22:41,060
-18?
-Yes. Why, what have you got?
What are you?
420
00:22:41,127 --> 00:22:44,296
18. B-But...
421
00:22:44,431 --> 00:22:47,133
-You're not making that up?
-No. Two minutes 18...
422
00:22:47,199 --> 00:22:48,435
Ooh!
423
00:22:48,501 --> 00:22:49,936
...point 79.
424
00:22:50,002 --> 00:22:51,871
Oh, thank God for that.
425
00:22:51,938 --> 00:22:53,873
I'm... It's crushing.
Three-five.
426
00:22:54,974 --> 00:22:57,009
Well, it's hardly crushing,
is it?
427
00:22:57,076 --> 00:22:59,211
-No, cos that's...
-I don't know why
you accepted the challenge.
428
00:22:59,278 --> 00:23:03,149
It's less then half a second
for your extra 100 grand.
429
00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:04,216
(CHUCKLES)
430
00:23:04,283 --> 00:23:06,453
Well, hardly a big gloat,
is it?
431
00:23:06,453 --> 00:23:08,187
(CHUCKLES)
432
00:23:08,254 --> 00:23:12,859
It's £100,000 for half
a second and 1mph top speed.
433
00:23:12,925 --> 00:23:18,197
240 years of independence and
that's the best they can do.
434
00:23:18,264 --> 00:23:21,534
JEREMY: As Hammond
cheered himself up
with some doughnuts...
435
00:23:22,702 --> 00:23:24,904
...and then
another set of tyres...
436
00:23:27,540 --> 00:23:29,742
...I went to join James.
437
00:23:32,144 --> 00:23:34,914
-(CLATTERING)
JEREMY: (MUTTERS) Oh, shit.
438
00:23:40,152 --> 00:23:41,988
(CLATTERING CONTINUES)
439
00:23:45,492 --> 00:23:46,626
JEREMY: Agh!
440
00:23:46,693 --> 00:23:49,496
-Did you beat him,
by the way?
-Yeah.
441
00:23:49,562 --> 00:23:50,997
Good man.
442
00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:56,836
JEREMY: As the sun slipped
behind the Tuscan hills,
443
00:23:56,903 --> 00:23:59,972
we spent an enjoyable hour
or so painting.
444
00:24:01,307 --> 00:24:03,109
But then...
445
00:24:03,175 --> 00:24:04,176
(REVVING)
446
00:24:08,147 --> 00:24:10,382
Ooh.
447
00:24:10,517 --> 00:24:11,884
What are you doing?
448
00:24:11,951 --> 00:24:14,754
I'm defusing a bomb, Hammond.
What do you think I'm doing?
449
00:24:14,821 --> 00:24:16,188
JAMES: I'm baking a cake.
450
00:24:16,255 --> 00:24:18,925
-It looks like
you're painting.
-We are painting.
451
00:24:18,991 --> 00:24:22,394
JEREMY: Hammond
then decided he'd like
to have a go as well.
452
00:24:22,529 --> 00:24:24,096
(RICHARD GRUNTS)
453
00:24:24,163 --> 00:24:25,431
(CAN SHAKING)
454
00:24:25,532 --> 00:24:27,066
(LID POPPING)
455
00:24:27,133 --> 00:24:28,968
(SPRAYING)
456
00:24:30,136 --> 00:24:32,539
RICHARD: Right.
-(SPRAYING CONTINUES)
457
00:24:32,605 --> 00:24:34,006
That one.
458
00:24:36,142 --> 00:24:37,143
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
459
00:24:37,209 --> 00:24:39,045
(CAN SHAKING)
460
00:24:40,547 --> 00:24:42,849
JEREMY: Soon,
our art was finished.
461
00:24:45,652 --> 00:24:47,219
I think I've rushed mine.
462
00:24:48,821 --> 00:24:50,890
Still, could be worse.
463
00:24:52,559 --> 00:24:54,060
It was difficult,
before I saw this,
464
00:24:54,126 --> 00:24:57,664
to imagine anything more
hideous than the actual car.
465
00:24:57,730 --> 00:24:59,599
But you've done it, Hammond.
466
00:24:59,666 --> 00:25:04,003
It's the way that you've
managed to eradicate
any sense of place.
467
00:25:04,070 --> 00:25:05,572
Yeah, I know.
468
00:25:10,677 --> 00:25:13,279
Your twitch!
He's twitching!
469
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:16,148
Even when he looks
at the picture of your car,
470
00:25:16,215 --> 00:25:18,585
he's actually twitching!
471
00:25:18,651 --> 00:25:20,820
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
472
00:25:22,221 --> 00:25:23,590
All of the work...
473
00:25:23,656 --> 00:25:26,593
All of the work
that Rolls-Royce
put into that Dawn
474
00:25:26,659 --> 00:25:30,429
to make it quiet and refined
and sublime, and all those
things you'd expect,
475
00:25:30,496 --> 00:25:34,500
it all counts for absolutely
nothing if it's anywhere
near your Dodge,
476
00:25:34,601 --> 00:25:36,703
because that's all
you can hear.
477
00:25:36,769 --> 00:25:38,871
Do you know something
about that Hellcat?
478
00:25:38,938 --> 00:25:40,940
OK, I've done
some research into it.
479
00:25:41,007 --> 00:25:43,943
The Hellcat is based on
the old Chrysler 300C.
480
00:25:44,010 --> 00:25:45,377
Underneath,
it's the same car.
481
00:25:45,444 --> 00:25:50,750
And the 300C, underneath,
is a 1990s Mercedes E-Class.
482
00:25:50,817 --> 00:25:52,652
So what Dodge
has done with that thing,
483
00:25:52,719 --> 00:25:57,123
if they put 700 horsepower
in a 20-year-old taxi...
484
00:25:57,189 --> 00:25:58,190
that's what it is.
485
00:25:58,257 --> 00:26:02,795
Anyway, if you want
to listen to two old men
486
00:26:02,862 --> 00:26:07,399
dribble on about music
and opera whilst I have fun,
487
00:26:07,466 --> 00:26:09,501
there'll be more of that
later on.
488
00:26:09,636 --> 00:26:11,971
But now it's time for us
to check our mirrors
489
00:26:12,038 --> 00:26:15,708
and make a smooth left
into Conversation Street.
490
00:26:15,775 --> 00:26:17,744
(MOODY JAZZ SAXOPHONE)
491
00:26:22,014 --> 00:26:23,650
(CHEERING)
492
00:26:23,683 --> 00:26:25,351
It is.
493
00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:27,319
Now... I have to say,
494
00:26:27,386 --> 00:26:30,657
James was very, very excited
about coming to Whitby,
495
00:26:30,723 --> 00:26:34,426
because he'd heard
that it's the centre
of the British jet industry.
496
00:26:34,493 --> 00:26:36,428
He was very much
looking forward to spending
497
00:26:36,495 --> 00:26:38,430
a couple of days looking at
old drawings of Concord,
498
00:26:38,497 --> 00:26:42,468
but then he discovered that
Whitby jet is actually this.
499
00:26:42,534 --> 00:26:43,703
(LAUGHTER)
500
00:26:43,770 --> 00:26:44,837
It looks like coal.
501
00:26:44,904 --> 00:26:46,038
-It is coal.
-Is it?
502
00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:47,707
Thing is, though,
they've worked out...
503
00:26:47,774 --> 00:26:49,141
Obviouasly, you can't
burn coal any more
504
00:26:49,208 --> 00:26:51,811
because Al Gore goes nuts
and a polar bear falls over,
505
00:26:51,878 --> 00:26:55,948
so they polish it up
and then say it's precious.
506
00:26:56,015 --> 00:26:58,985
That's interesting, this,
cos I've got the blurb here
507
00:26:59,051 --> 00:27:02,922
from Whitby's oldest retailer
of the stuff, and it says,
508
00:27:02,989 --> 00:27:05,725
"Unlike other gemstones,
509
00:27:05,792 --> 00:27:09,161
jet is actually
fossilised wood."
510
00:27:09,228 --> 00:27:12,699
Yes, because unlike
other gemstones, it's coal.
511
00:27:12,765 --> 00:27:14,533
-Yeah, but...
-(LAUGHTER)
512
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,102
-But it's...
-It's coal, isn't it?
513
00:27:16,168 --> 00:27:18,905
Unlike other gemstones,
Hammond, it's a lot cheaper.
514
00:27:18,971 --> 00:27:21,140
-Well, yes, it would be.
-(LAUGHTER)
515
00:27:21,207 --> 00:27:24,210
Well, seriously, you
can get a jet ring, look,
for 32 quid.
516
00:27:24,276 --> 00:27:26,612
You get a sack of it
for ten quid. It's coal!
517
00:27:26,713 --> 00:27:27,980
-(LAUGHTER)
-Thing is, though...
518
00:27:28,047 --> 00:27:29,381
We were thinking
the other day,
519
00:27:29,448 --> 00:27:32,819
you know carmakers now they
use bamboo, ash, walnut
520
00:27:32,885 --> 00:27:34,987
and carbon fibre
to decorate bits of a car?
521
00:27:35,054 --> 00:27:37,323
-Why don't they use jet?
-Exactly.
522
00:27:37,389 --> 00:27:39,726
Anybody would like to have
some jet in their car.
523
00:27:39,726 --> 00:27:42,228
Actually, we've been
doing a little bit of
experimenting, Hammond.
524
00:27:42,294 --> 00:27:46,733
I've made a prototype.
This is a gearstick
with a jet knob...
525
00:27:46,766 --> 00:27:47,834
(LAUGHTER)
526
00:27:47,900 --> 00:27:49,401
...on the top.
It's brilliant.
527
00:27:49,468 --> 00:27:52,071
I mean, it's not polished
yet, but you change gear.
528
00:27:52,138 --> 00:27:54,273
It does make your hand
a bit dirty.
529
00:27:54,340 --> 00:27:56,608
But, no, that's
a handy reminder. It is.
530
00:27:56,743 --> 00:27:58,745
Exactly. No, you're
absolutely right
'cause you know,
531
00:27:58,745 --> 00:28:00,379
sometimes you drive
an unfamiliar car,
you're on the motorway
532
00:28:00,446 --> 00:28:02,782
and you think,
"Oh, did I change into sixth?
533
00:28:02,849 --> 00:28:05,384
-Yeah, I did."
-(LAUGHTER)
534
00:28:05,451 --> 00:28:08,354
Here's some conversation...
for Conversation Street.
535
00:28:08,420 --> 00:28:11,423
Erm... Bad news.
There is a problem right now
in this country.
536
00:28:11,490 --> 00:28:14,961
Not enough people
are learning to drive.
Seriously.
537
00:28:15,027 --> 00:28:19,999
In 2007, just over 16,000
driving tests were conducted.
538
00:28:20,066 --> 00:28:23,602
Last year,
that had dropped to 4,650.
539
00:28:23,669 --> 00:28:27,774
That is a true fact.
In less than ten years,
16,000 down to 4,000.
540
00:28:27,774 --> 00:28:28,941
And I know why.
541
00:28:29,008 --> 00:28:30,442
It's because kids
leave school these days,
542
00:28:30,509 --> 00:28:33,079
they've no idea who Hitler
was, they can't add up.
543
00:28:33,145 --> 00:28:34,781
They just know cars are bad.
544
00:28:34,814 --> 00:28:37,850
That's all they learn:
cars are bad, cars are bad,
cars are bad.
545
00:28:37,917 --> 00:28:39,819
Then, when they do
get out of school,
after what--
546
00:28:39,886 --> 00:28:41,220
after school's finished,
547
00:28:41,287 --> 00:28:44,290
they go around and see
speed cameras, traffic jams,
548
00:28:44,356 --> 00:28:47,493
signs saying "Please don't
overtake cyclists" and think,
"What's the point?"
549
00:28:47,559 --> 00:28:50,262
"No point learning to drive.
I might as well just use Uber."
550
00:28:50,329 --> 00:28:51,964
Exactly.
If I were a carmaker,
551
00:28:52,031 --> 00:28:54,801
I would be fighting
like a Kilkenny cat
552
00:28:54,834 --> 00:28:57,069
to make sure every car I made
553
00:28:57,136 --> 00:28:59,205
was as interesting
and as amazing as possible.
554
00:28:59,271 --> 00:29:02,041
But instead... Renault,
they give us the KADJAR.
555
00:29:02,108 --> 00:29:03,810
-(LAUGHTER)
-How many children...
556
00:29:03,810 --> 00:29:06,946
How many children will say,
"If I work really hard
and do my homework,
557
00:29:07,013 --> 00:29:09,515
one day, maybe,
I can have a KADJAR"?
558
00:29:09,581 --> 00:29:11,918
RICHARD: Cos that's the car
they grow up seeing.
559
00:29:11,984 --> 00:29:13,252
Worse still, Nissan Juke.
560
00:29:13,319 --> 00:29:16,155
-You really hate the Juke.
-No, I hate it.
561
00:29:16,222 --> 00:29:18,057
-No, he genuinely hates...
-No, I hate...
562
00:29:18,124 --> 00:29:21,894
I object to it existing.
It shouldn't exist.
I loathe it.
563
00:29:21,961 --> 00:29:24,330
On the motorway, you
see them with their stupid,
564
00:29:24,396 --> 00:29:26,432
like, double bug eyes.
565
00:29:26,498 --> 00:29:27,733
Smug little...
566
00:29:27,834 --> 00:29:29,969
If I see one, I'm mad.
I can't help myself.
567
00:29:30,036 --> 00:29:31,838
And it's cruel, and I'm
sorry if you're in one.
568
00:29:31,838 --> 00:29:32,905
But I do, I see them.
569
00:29:32,972 --> 00:29:33,973
(WHISPERS) "I hate..."
570
00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:35,842
-(MOUTHING)
-(LAUGHTER)
571
00:29:35,842 --> 00:29:39,011
JEREMY: He does.
I was driving along with him
the other day...
572
00:29:39,078 --> 00:29:40,880
I was busy
telling him a story,
573
00:29:40,947 --> 00:29:41,881
and he was looking out
the window going,
574
00:29:41,948 --> 00:29:43,615
"I hate you! I hate you!"
575
00:29:43,682 --> 00:29:45,017
I hate them.
576
00:29:45,084 --> 00:29:46,853
What's the most boring car
on sale in Britain today?
577
00:29:46,886 --> 00:29:48,054
That's a good question.
578
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,422
-(AUDIENCE CALLING OUT)
MAN: Brown Astons!
579
00:29:50,489 --> 00:29:51,958
(LAUGHTER)
580
00:29:52,024 --> 00:29:54,626
RICHARD: Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!
-Who said that?
581
00:29:54,693 --> 00:29:56,295
(APPLAUSE)
582
00:29:56,362 --> 00:29:58,197
Get out. Get out.
583
00:30:04,971 --> 00:30:06,572
Security, kill him.
584
00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:08,007
(LAUGHTER)
585
00:30:08,074 --> 00:30:10,142
"Brown Astons" my...
586
00:30:10,209 --> 00:30:12,244
I tell you what, if I were
the boss of Volkswagen,
587
00:30:12,311 --> 00:30:13,812
I'd go and find the
man who did...
588
00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:15,647
What's that tall Golf called?
589
00:30:15,714 --> 00:30:17,383
Oh, the SV.
590
00:30:17,449 --> 00:30:19,886
SV, that's it.
The one that's like a Golf,
591
00:30:19,952 --> 00:30:22,288
but for people who have
stovepipe hats.
592
00:30:22,354 --> 00:30:25,324
And I would bludgeon him
with a tyre iron.
593
00:30:25,391 --> 00:30:28,260
"Why did you do that?
Nobody wants one!"
594
00:30:28,327 --> 00:30:31,964
Just to be fair, I think VW
have bigger concerns
at the moment.
595
00:30:32,031 --> 00:30:34,300
OK, I want to talk about
the Oxford Ring Road.
596
00:30:34,366 --> 00:30:37,136
I know it's miles away
from here and from
anybody watching,
597
00:30:37,203 --> 00:30:40,172
but the thing is, OK,
for the last two years,
598
00:30:40,239 --> 00:30:43,042
they've been
working on shrinking -
slightly shrinking -
599
00:30:43,109 --> 00:30:45,211
two roundabouts and putting
some traffic lights up.
600
00:30:45,277 --> 00:30:48,915
Now, do you know how much
the budget was for that job?
601
00:30:48,981 --> 00:30:52,051
Er... Two roundabouts,
ten grand a roundabout.
I'd say 20 grand overall.
602
00:30:52,118 --> 00:30:54,686
£9 million.
603
00:30:54,753 --> 00:30:57,023
-Million? Nine million?
-Nine million.
604
00:30:57,089 --> 00:31:00,626
Can you imagine
the builder's face when
he came out of that meeting?
605
00:31:02,228 --> 00:31:04,931
"They're gonna give me
nine million quid
606
00:31:04,997 --> 00:31:07,066
to shrink a couple
of roundabouts!"
607
00:31:07,133 --> 00:31:08,500
Well, that's why it's
taken him two years.
608
00:31:08,567 --> 00:31:11,137
He had to make it look like
nine million quid's worth.
609
00:31:11,203 --> 00:31:12,471
"Really difficult."
610
00:31:12,538 --> 00:31:13,705
This is not a word of a lie.
611
00:31:13,772 --> 00:31:18,377
£9 million will buy you
a 30,000-square-foot house,
612
00:31:18,444 --> 00:31:19,478
OK, like this.
613
00:31:19,545 --> 00:31:22,248
That is a nine-million-quid
house to build.
614
00:31:22,314 --> 00:31:25,651
You can have that
or two shaved roundabouts...
for your nine million quid.
615
00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:27,286
No. No, actually. No.
616
00:31:27,353 --> 00:31:30,022
Because - and this, again,
is not a word of a lie -
617
00:31:30,089 --> 00:31:32,124
a few months ago,
builder man -
618
00:31:32,191 --> 00:31:34,093
and it must have been a bet -
619
00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:36,963
he went back to the council
and he said,
620
00:31:36,963 --> 00:31:38,230
"I need another
million quid."
621
00:31:38,297 --> 00:31:39,698
-(LAUGHTER)
-And they paid?
622
00:31:39,765 --> 00:31:42,534
And they paid! They paid!
623
00:31:42,601 --> 00:31:45,337
He probably shuffled in.
"I broke me spade."
624
00:31:45,404 --> 00:31:46,472
(LAUGHTER)
625
00:31:46,538 --> 00:31:49,308
"Another million?"
"Yes, of course. Happy to."
626
00:31:49,375 --> 00:31:51,477
Can I be cross for a moment
with BMW?
627
00:31:51,543 --> 00:31:53,279
It'll be difficult
to stop you. Yes.
628
00:31:53,345 --> 00:31:56,082
The thing was, last year
they introduced this.
629
00:31:56,148 --> 00:31:57,649
They showed...
They went, "Look at that."
630
00:31:57,716 --> 00:31:59,585
And everybody went,
"That is fantastic!"
631
00:31:59,651 --> 00:32:03,990
It's an homage to the old
CSL Batmobile from '72.
632
00:32:03,990 --> 00:32:05,657
Everyone was going,
"When will you make it?"
633
00:32:05,724 --> 00:32:08,160
"We're not. It's just to show
you what we could make."
634
00:32:08,227 --> 00:32:09,561
RICHARD:
Why did they show us?
635
00:32:09,628 --> 00:32:11,097
JEREMY: Just don't do that!
-Yeah, exactly.
636
00:32:11,163 --> 00:32:12,631
Actually, no,
it doesn't matter,
637
00:32:12,698 --> 00:32:14,233
because they've come up
with something else instead.
638
00:32:14,300 --> 00:32:16,502
This look.
This is actually an homage
639
00:32:16,568 --> 00:32:19,371
to the original 2002, which is
the old car on the left,
640
00:32:19,438 --> 00:32:22,441
and that, I think,
actually looks pretty fab.
641
00:32:22,508 --> 00:32:24,410
-It does. Are they
gonna make it?
-No.
642
00:32:24,476 --> 00:32:26,178
Well, why show it to us,
then?
643
00:32:26,245 --> 00:32:28,014
"Look what we could make
but we're not."
644
00:32:28,047 --> 00:32:30,749
It's a good job BMW don't
run the emergency services,
isn't it?
645
00:32:30,816 --> 00:32:34,520
"Oh, look! You have drifted
a long way from shore there,
haven't you?
646
00:32:34,586 --> 00:32:36,788
We could drag you back
behind our speedboat."
647
00:32:36,855 --> 00:32:40,459
"Will you?"
"No. No, we just wanted you
to know that we could."
648
00:32:40,526 --> 00:32:42,894
What they're being
is prick-teasers.
649
00:32:43,029 --> 00:32:45,031
-Oh, you can't say that.
-(LAUGHTER)
650
00:32:45,031 --> 00:32:46,498
I don't think
you can say that.
651
00:32:46,565 --> 00:32:48,267
I'm not sure
you can say that.
652
00:32:48,334 --> 00:32:50,036
Can you say "prick-tease"?
653
00:32:50,036 --> 00:32:51,737
MAN: A cock-tease!
-Is it allowed today?
654
00:32:51,803 --> 00:32:54,673
"Cock-tease"?
That's no different.
You've just changed the name!
655
00:32:54,740 --> 00:32:57,176
It's a different way
of saying "prick" or "dick".
656
00:32:57,243 --> 00:32:59,545
You could have said "penis
tease". It doesn't matter!
657
00:32:59,611 --> 00:33:02,048
Conversation Street's
taken a really bad turn.
658
00:33:02,048 --> 00:33:03,382
(LAUGHTER)
659
00:33:03,449 --> 00:33:06,918
The point I'm trying to make
is BMW must stop doing that.
660
00:33:07,053 --> 00:33:08,054
(LAUGHTER)
661
00:33:08,054 --> 00:33:09,621
Whatever... Whatever it was.
662
00:33:09,688 --> 00:33:12,891
Now, if we had
a Grand Tour medal,
663
00:33:12,958 --> 00:33:14,493
and we don't, but if we did,
664
00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:17,196
I know who the first
recipient would be.
665
00:33:17,263 --> 00:33:19,365
Cos we heard this amazing
story the other day.
666
00:33:19,431 --> 00:33:20,766
You know speed camera vans?
667
00:33:20,832 --> 00:33:23,169
Sit at the side of the road,
blacked out windows,
668
00:33:23,235 --> 00:33:26,438
civil servant sitting inside
watching YouPorn. OK?
669
00:33:26,505 --> 00:33:29,775
That's what it is.
Waiting for someone
to trip his camera.
670
00:33:29,841 --> 00:33:31,077
Now, someone, the other day,
671
00:33:31,143 --> 00:33:34,946
snuck up
behind the speed-camera van,
672
00:33:35,081 --> 00:33:37,683
quietly undid
its number plates
673
00:33:37,749 --> 00:33:39,585
put them on his own car
674
00:33:39,651 --> 00:33:42,121
and drove past
at 100 miles an hour.
675
00:33:42,188 --> 00:33:44,756
I mean... literally
the funniest thing ever!
676
00:33:44,823 --> 00:33:46,658
Well done, you, sir.
677
00:33:46,725 --> 00:33:48,094
Top work.
678
00:33:48,127 --> 00:33:49,861
-Absolutely...
JEREMY: I love that.
679
00:33:49,928 --> 00:33:51,563
That is top, top work.
680
00:33:51,630 --> 00:33:53,899
Can I talk about
the Alfa Romeo Quadrifoglio?
681
00:33:53,965 --> 00:33:55,167
-No.
-Why?
682
00:33:55,234 --> 00:33:56,668
Because we've got to get
back to our film.
683
00:33:56,735 --> 00:33:59,171
Tonight we are on
a Grand Tour of Italy.
684
00:33:59,238 --> 00:34:00,839
There's James
in a Rolls-Royce,
685
00:34:00,906 --> 00:34:02,608
Jeremy in an Aston Martin,
686
00:34:02,674 --> 00:34:05,277
and me in a Dodge Hellcat
with two trucks full of tyres
687
00:34:05,344 --> 00:34:07,546
so I can do doughnuts
whenever I want.
688
00:34:07,613 --> 00:34:10,015
Yes, and we pick up
the action on day two
689
00:34:10,116 --> 00:34:12,818
of what was becoming,
thanks to him,
690
00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:15,121
the journey from hell.
691
00:34:15,121 --> 00:34:16,522
(LAUGHTER)
692
00:34:21,127 --> 00:34:23,895
JEREMY: As the sun rose
over the silent,
693
00:34:23,962 --> 00:34:26,365
misty Italian countryside...
694
00:34:26,432 --> 00:34:28,634
RICHARD:
OK, let's get these out.
695
00:34:28,700 --> 00:34:30,269
(ENGINE STARTING)
696
00:34:30,336 --> 00:34:32,938
...and Hammond
extricated his entourage
697
00:34:33,004 --> 00:34:34,606
from the hotel car park...
698
00:34:34,673 --> 00:34:36,142
(LORRY BEEPING)
699
00:34:36,175 --> 00:34:38,544
(HORN TOOTING)
700
00:34:38,610 --> 00:34:41,747
...James lowered the roof
on his Rolls-Royce.
701
00:34:45,884 --> 00:34:47,052
-Morning.
-Morning.
702
00:34:47,153 --> 00:34:49,155
That is the "silent ballet".
703
00:34:49,188 --> 00:34:51,823
-There's nothing silent about
your lorries, Hammond.
-No, not those.
704
00:34:51,890 --> 00:34:54,393
That's how Rolls-Royce
themselves describe the roof
705
00:34:54,460 --> 00:34:56,061
going up and down,
in this, look.
706
00:34:56,162 --> 00:34:58,230
-What, "silent ballet"?
-"Silent ballet",
that's what they say.
707
00:34:58,297 --> 00:35:02,501
They also talk about
"the Dawn provides an
erotic tingle on the skin."
708
00:35:02,568 --> 00:35:04,236
-Whoa!
-This is all their words.
709
00:35:04,303 --> 00:35:07,072
-Actual Rolls-Royce...?
-This is their words.
Yeah, this is their bumf.
710
00:35:07,173 --> 00:35:11,677
They also say,
"The car is a contemporary
take on the casino lifestyle.
711
00:35:11,743 --> 00:35:15,181
It is intended to attract...
people."
712
00:35:15,247 --> 00:35:17,716
-What sort of people?
-People...
713
00:35:17,783 --> 00:35:19,318
People who put
their seatbelts on?
714
00:35:19,385 --> 00:35:22,087
Exactly, people who put
their seatbelts on and off
715
00:35:22,188 --> 00:35:25,357
and relish both freedom
and sophistication.
716
00:35:25,424 --> 00:35:27,793
-"Casino lifestyle"?
-Casino lifestyle.
717
00:35:27,859 --> 00:35:29,094
-(HORN HONKS)
-What?
718
00:35:29,195 --> 00:35:30,329
Can we go?
719
00:35:30,396 --> 00:35:31,797
Have you got
your seatbelt on?
720
00:35:37,869 --> 00:35:39,505
JEREMY: We then set off
721
00:35:39,571 --> 00:35:42,674
and decided to do a bit more
road testing of our cars.
722
00:35:42,741 --> 00:35:46,412
I began by talking about
the Aston Martin's interior.
723
00:35:49,348 --> 00:35:51,317
On the upside,
724
00:35:51,383 --> 00:35:55,221
Aston Martin
have reprogrammed
the Mercedes electronics
725
00:35:55,254 --> 00:36:00,359
so the warning beeps
and buzzers are now less...
Germanic.
726
00:36:00,426 --> 00:36:04,263
If you don't put your
seatbelt on, for example,
you get a discreet cough.
727
00:36:04,330 --> 00:36:07,032
A... (CLEARS THROAT)
...rather than a klaxon
728
00:36:07,098 --> 00:36:09,268
and somebody shouting,
"Achtung!"
729
00:36:10,536 --> 00:36:12,804
On the downside
is everything else.
730
00:36:12,871 --> 00:36:16,508
Er... The centrepiece
of this dashboard here
looks like a...
731
00:36:16,575 --> 00:36:19,345
How can I put this?
...like a lady part.
732
00:36:19,411 --> 00:36:22,648
And then
the door lining here,
well, it's just hideous.
733
00:36:22,714 --> 00:36:27,353
It look like
a footballer's...
kitchen worktop.
734
00:36:27,419 --> 00:36:31,623
It's annoying, cos Aston
have done such a good job
with the rest of this car.
735
00:36:31,690 --> 00:36:33,259
I was staggered
736
00:36:33,325 --> 00:36:35,661
by how good it was
at the track yesterday.
737
00:36:35,727 --> 00:36:39,265
And yet,
they've let it all down
with this ghastly interior.
738
00:36:40,866 --> 00:36:43,602
In the Hellcat,
Hank J Hammondberger
739
00:36:43,669 --> 00:36:46,438
hadn't noticed the quality
of the fixtures and fittings.
740
00:36:46,505 --> 00:36:50,309
He was too busy
playing with the toys.
741
00:36:50,376 --> 00:36:52,778
Oh, now, look at all of this.
742
00:36:52,844 --> 00:36:55,581
Timers, gauges...
743
00:36:56,948 --> 00:36:58,484
Oh.
744
00:36:58,550 --> 00:37:01,653
In my performance mode
screen,
745
00:37:01,720 --> 00:37:03,889
I can measure G-forces,
braking distance,
746
00:37:03,955 --> 00:37:06,292
reactions times,
quarter-mile timer,
747
00:37:06,358 --> 00:37:08,660
eighth-of-a-mile timer,
lap history.
748
00:37:08,727 --> 00:37:11,297
It's brilliant!
749
00:37:11,297 --> 00:37:12,831
Irrelevant twaddle.
750
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:16,935
"Irrelevant twaddle."
751
00:37:17,002 --> 00:37:19,405
RICHARD: Oh, I've just seen
my average MPG.
752
00:37:20,439 --> 00:37:21,807
What is it?
753
00:37:21,873 --> 00:37:23,575
6.6.
754
00:37:25,010 --> 00:37:27,679
Six miles to the gallon?
755
00:37:27,746 --> 00:37:30,316
RICHARD: I like to think
of it as a healthy appetite.
756
00:37:30,382 --> 00:37:34,353
How many miles to the gallon
has your Rolls-Royce
been doing, James May?
757
00:37:34,420 --> 00:37:37,723
15.7 in the last 48 hours.
758
00:37:37,789 --> 00:37:41,860
JEREMY: Mine's been doing
21 miles to the gallon.
759
00:37:41,927 --> 00:37:45,030
That's cos it's boring and
that's because it's brown!
760
00:37:45,096 --> 00:37:46,965
Oh, no.
761
00:37:47,032 --> 00:37:49,167
JEREMY: And, with that,
the road test ended
762
00:37:49,234 --> 00:37:52,237
and another day
of Hammond-based irritation
began.
763
00:37:52,338 --> 00:37:53,905
(TYRES SQUEAL)
764
00:37:53,972 --> 00:37:56,608
RICHARD:
♫ There'll be brown birds
over... ♫
765
00:37:57,876 --> 00:38:00,779
♫ Don't it make
my brown eyes brown? ♫
766
00:38:00,846 --> 00:38:02,414
It's orange!
767
00:38:03,582 --> 00:38:06,818
You join us
at another petrol station.
768
00:38:06,885 --> 00:38:09,755
I don't need any,
but guess who does.
769
00:38:09,821 --> 00:38:11,757
This car is excellent
for ornithologists.
770
00:38:11,823 --> 00:38:14,360
It's so quiet going along here,
I can listen to the birdsong.
771
00:38:14,393 --> 00:38:15,927
(DIXIE-HORN BLARES)
772
00:38:17,363 --> 00:38:19,531
-Hello, James.
-(WILDCAT REVVING)
773
00:38:19,598 --> 00:38:21,367
Oh, for God's sake.
774
00:38:21,367 --> 00:38:22,768
Party button!
775
00:38:22,834 --> 00:38:24,836
(REVVING ECHOES)
776
00:38:24,903 --> 00:38:26,605
Stop doing that!
777
00:38:27,806 --> 00:38:29,107
Stop it!
778
00:38:29,174 --> 00:38:30,809
(LAUGHS)
779
00:38:30,876 --> 00:38:33,111
Go away!
780
00:38:33,178 --> 00:38:37,983
I genuinely am worried
about the sanity
of Chief Inspector Dreyfus.
781
00:38:40,919 --> 00:38:43,188
Many frustrating miles later,
782
00:38:43,254 --> 00:38:46,024
we reached the next stop
on our Grand Tour:
783
00:38:46,091 --> 00:38:47,793
the region around Modena,
784
00:38:47,859 --> 00:38:51,897
which is home
to three of the world's
greatest carmakers.
785
00:38:55,233 --> 00:38:57,035
And, while Hammond sped off
786
00:38:57,102 --> 00:39:00,839
to give his cultural take
on Lamborghini's history...
787
00:39:00,906 --> 00:39:04,410
Oh, my God.
That is pure filth.
788
00:39:04,476 --> 00:39:05,844
...James and I went off
789
00:39:05,911 --> 00:39:08,714
to buy
a goodbye present for him.
790
00:39:08,780 --> 00:39:12,951
I think scissor doors
actually make me horny.
791
00:39:13,018 --> 00:39:15,987
And when he'd finished
his Brian Sewell routine...
792
00:39:17,255 --> 00:39:18,957
...we met up to hand it over.
793
00:39:20,492 --> 00:39:22,728
We have had it done for you.
794
00:39:22,794 --> 00:39:24,329
-It's brilliant!
-I know.
795
00:39:24,430 --> 00:39:25,997
It's in the style, actually,
796
00:39:26,064 --> 00:39:30,135
of an 18th-century Italian
artist called Pompeo Batoni,
797
00:39:30,201 --> 00:39:31,637
who made a pretty good living
798
00:39:31,703 --> 00:39:35,941
out of painting visiting
Americans on the Grand Tour
799
00:39:36,007 --> 00:39:39,445
and making them
look like refined,
800
00:39:39,478 --> 00:39:41,713
cultured English gentleman.
801
00:39:41,780 --> 00:39:44,149
Yeah. Think of it
as a souvenir of your trip.
802
00:39:44,215 --> 00:39:48,086
Thank you.
Except a souvenir is what
you get at the end of a trip.
803
00:39:48,153 --> 00:39:51,623
-Yeah, exactly.
-Erm...
804
00:39:51,690 --> 00:39:54,693
JEREMY: While Hammond
struggled to get the painting
in his car
805
00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:56,828
for the long trip
back to England...
806
00:39:56,895 --> 00:39:58,530
Er...
807
00:39:58,597 --> 00:40:03,802
...James and I set off alone
into the glory that is Italy.
808
00:40:07,939 --> 00:40:11,209
Oh, my word.
Look at that view.
809
00:40:11,276 --> 00:40:13,244
(GASPS)
810
00:40:13,311 --> 00:40:15,947
Holy moley!
811
00:40:26,157 --> 00:40:27,659
That evening in Verona,
812
00:40:27,726 --> 00:40:30,962
we dined well at a
Michelin-starred restaurant,
813
00:40:31,029 --> 00:40:34,099
and then we went to see
something called Carmen,
814
00:40:34,165 --> 00:40:37,335
which wasn't at all
what we were expecting.
815
00:40:37,402 --> 00:40:38,770
(OPERATIC SINGING)
816
00:40:42,474 --> 00:40:44,109
(DISTANT ENGINE REVVING)
817
00:40:44,175 --> 00:40:45,777
(TYRES SQUEALING)
818
00:40:51,917 --> 00:40:53,819
He hasn't gone home, has he?
819
00:40:58,757 --> 00:41:01,292
(SQUEALING CONTINUES)
820
00:41:01,359 --> 00:41:03,795
(COCKEREL CROWS)
821
00:41:03,862 --> 00:41:06,532
The next morning,
we were up at first light
822
00:41:06,565 --> 00:41:08,600
to attempt another escape.
823
00:41:10,001 --> 00:41:12,904
(WHISPERS)
James... that's his room.
824
00:41:14,973 --> 00:41:16,542
(DOOR OPENING)
825
00:41:20,445 --> 00:41:24,115
This has a quiet-start
facility on it, but I don't
know how it works.
826
00:41:25,350 --> 00:41:26,818
-Push it.
-(MOUTHS)
827
00:41:27,886 --> 00:41:29,555
I could... It's really quiet.
828
00:41:29,555 --> 00:41:31,256
You start...
You'll be all right.
829
00:41:33,458 --> 00:41:35,861
-(ASTON BONGS)
-Don't bong!
830
00:41:35,927 --> 00:41:37,829
(WHIRRING)
831
00:41:37,896 --> 00:41:39,865
That's amazing, isn't it?
832
00:41:39,931 --> 00:41:43,434
That's firing
80 times a second, roughly.
833
00:41:43,569 --> 00:41:45,604
Ah, no noise.
834
00:41:45,671 --> 00:41:47,272
I can just drive out of here.
835
00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:50,876
-Oh, hello! Car trouble?
-(SIGHS)
836
00:41:50,942 --> 00:41:53,311
JEREMY: Yeah.
-Typical Aston, you see!
837
00:41:53,378 --> 00:41:54,479
It's broken down.
838
00:41:54,580 --> 00:41:56,181
You haven't got long
to get it going
839
00:41:56,247 --> 00:41:58,584
cos I'll be down again
in a second, changed
and ready to roll.
840
00:41:58,617 --> 00:41:59,685
Ya-ha!
841
00:42:01,486 --> 00:42:02,988
(HORN TOOTS)
842
00:42:05,824 --> 00:42:09,394
JEREMY:
Whilst Hammond was upstairs,
chiselling off his sweat...
843
00:42:09,460 --> 00:42:10,596
(ENGINES STARTING)
844
00:42:10,662 --> 00:42:13,498
...James and I
made a run for it.
845
00:42:13,599 --> 00:42:16,602
And, in case he caught up
with us on the motorway,
846
00:42:16,668 --> 00:42:18,604
we took some precautions.
847
00:42:20,606 --> 00:42:24,743
This is the work of a genius.
848
00:42:24,810 --> 00:42:27,312
We are now protected
from Mr Hammond completely.
849
00:42:33,885 --> 00:42:37,789
James's head was a bit of
a problem with this plan,
but we've solved it.
850
00:42:41,459 --> 00:42:44,830
Don't worry if you don't
recognise me, viewers.
It's me.
851
00:42:44,896 --> 00:42:49,000
The question was,
would Richard Hammond
recognise him?
852
00:42:49,067 --> 00:42:51,670
Here comes Richard Hammond.
Just look straight ahead.
853
00:42:51,737 --> 00:42:53,338
Look straight ahead.
854
00:42:53,404 --> 00:42:55,406
And the answer was...
855
00:42:55,473 --> 00:42:56,842
JAMES: Not looking.
856
00:42:59,645 --> 00:43:01,412
Oh, God. He's waving at me!
857
00:43:01,479 --> 00:43:03,014
(DIXIE-HORN BLARES)
858
00:43:04,549 --> 00:43:06,517
Well, he's clocked us,
hasn't he?
859
00:43:06,652 --> 00:43:09,988
I think you're better off
getting stone chips
than looking like that.
860
00:43:10,989 --> 00:43:13,659
Mayday. Mayday.
I'm disintegrating.
861
00:43:16,294 --> 00:43:18,263
Whilst James
unwrapped himself
862
00:43:18,329 --> 00:43:21,466
and Richard filled up
through his ruined present,
863
00:43:21,532 --> 00:43:24,469
I had another brainwave.
864
00:43:24,535 --> 00:43:27,405
I'm gonna lead him into
the centre of Vicenza, yeah?
865
00:43:27,472 --> 00:43:28,940
Yes.
866
00:43:29,007 --> 00:43:31,276
I've sent out a tweet,
and I put this on Facebook,
867
00:43:31,342 --> 00:43:35,380
saying that Richard Hammond
will be appearing
in the main square, OK?
868
00:43:35,446 --> 00:43:37,548
-Yes.
-So he gets out.
869
00:43:37,683 --> 00:43:38,717
-He's mobbed.
-Yes.
870
00:43:38,784 --> 00:43:41,753
-We scarper, OK?
-Very good. I like it.
871
00:43:41,820 --> 00:43:43,421
-Have you done it in Italian?
-Yes.
872
00:43:43,488 --> 00:43:46,391
Oh, good. Only thing is,
I've made a slight mistake.
873
00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:48,493
I have said here that
Richard Hammond will be -
874
00:43:48,559 --> 00:43:52,698
I wanted to say "appearing"
but I've put
"exhibiting himself".
875
00:43:52,698 --> 00:43:54,165
Well, it'll get a crowd.
876
00:43:59,370 --> 00:44:03,508
Back on the move,
I put my plan into action.
877
00:44:03,574 --> 00:44:06,812
I thought we'd turn off
the motorway here, Hammond.
878
00:44:06,878 --> 00:44:09,380
Vicenza's got
a doughnuting area in it.
879
00:44:09,447 --> 00:44:11,349
Has it?
880
00:44:11,416 --> 00:44:12,918
Yeah, no old statues.
881
00:44:12,984 --> 00:44:17,088
There's Starbucks,
McDonald's, Dunkin' Donuts.
882
00:44:17,155 --> 00:44:19,190
I'm right, aren't I, James?
883
00:44:19,257 --> 00:44:22,593
I think they've got
an American football team,
haven't they, in Vicenza?
884
00:44:22,728 --> 00:44:25,964
They have,
the Vicenza Red Bears.
885
00:44:26,031 --> 00:44:27,733
OK.
886
00:44:27,733 --> 00:44:29,300
We'll have
a little mooch about.
887
00:44:31,369 --> 00:44:34,439
Soon, we were approaching
the centre of the town.
888
00:44:35,741 --> 00:44:37,843
I just need a crowd
big enough
889
00:44:37,909 --> 00:44:41,479
to keep him occupied
for 20 minutes.
890
00:44:41,546 --> 00:44:44,182
I don't know how many people
will have read my tweet.
891
00:44:45,483 --> 00:44:46,785
A couple of hundred.
892
00:44:48,754 --> 00:44:51,056
I was nearly right.
893
00:44:51,122 --> 00:44:52,958
(CHEERING)
894
00:44:54,292 --> 00:44:55,794
Oh, my God.
895
00:45:00,766 --> 00:45:03,034
This has gone really wrong.
896
00:45:04,269 --> 00:45:09,775
-This has gone
so spectacularly wrong.
-Jeremy!
897
00:45:13,078 --> 00:45:15,180
(CHEERING AND WHOOPING)
898
00:45:16,581 --> 00:45:18,116
RICHARD: Oh, my word!
899
00:45:18,183 --> 00:45:19,885
Hello. Is there an event on?
900
00:45:19,951 --> 00:45:21,987
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
901
00:45:23,021 --> 00:45:24,823
It's Mr Hammond
you're looking for.
902
00:45:27,525 --> 00:45:29,394
Mr Hammond is in the Dodge.
903
00:45:31,830 --> 00:45:33,364
Oh, this is unnerving.
904
00:45:34,900 --> 00:45:37,803
Is it always this busy here?
What's going on today?
905
00:45:42,340 --> 00:45:45,811
Look at that, we're free,
and Hammond is stuck.
(LAUGHS)
906
00:45:48,814 --> 00:45:50,681
Yes. Yes.
907
00:45:50,816 --> 00:45:51,883
We're out.
908
00:45:51,950 --> 00:45:54,219
Hammond is doomed!
909
00:45:54,285 --> 00:45:55,486
He's doomed!
910
00:45:56,988 --> 00:45:58,857
Leaving Hammond
in what he thought
911
00:45:58,924 --> 00:46:00,859
was the muscle-car capital
of Italy...
912
00:46:00,926 --> 00:46:02,360
(REVVING)
913
00:46:02,427 --> 00:46:03,428
(CHEERING)
914
00:46:03,494 --> 00:46:06,832
They like a rev.
They do like a rev here.
915
00:46:06,898 --> 00:46:09,835
...James and I
headed out of town.
916
00:46:09,901 --> 00:46:13,004
Right, good.
Venice, 23 miles away.
917
00:46:17,708 --> 00:46:19,644
I think it's fair to say
918
00:46:19,710 --> 00:46:24,449
that this entire trip
has been a total disaster.
919
00:46:24,515 --> 00:46:29,720
But the Aston Martin has been
the complete opposite.
920
00:46:29,855 --> 00:46:33,558
It was much, much better than
I thought it was going to be
on the track.
921
00:46:33,624 --> 00:46:37,863
It's staggeringly civilised
and quiet on the road.
922
00:46:37,929 --> 00:46:41,466
It really is a superb
grand tourer,
923
00:46:41,532 --> 00:46:44,435
and it is achingly pretty.
924
00:46:44,502 --> 00:46:48,273
Especially with this
beautiful orange paintwork.
925
00:46:49,875 --> 00:46:53,544
JAMES: Jeremy may have been
won over by his brown Aston,
926
00:46:53,611 --> 00:46:57,015
but I was truly smitten
with the Rolls-Royce.
927
00:46:58,049 --> 00:46:59,717
What is it about
a Rolls-Royce?
928
00:46:59,784 --> 00:47:03,955
A lot of people would say
this isn't a car-lover's car.
929
00:47:04,022 --> 00:47:06,357
It's not sporty,
it's not dynamic,
930
00:47:06,424 --> 00:47:07,993
it doesn't have modes
for you to set.
931
00:47:08,059 --> 00:47:09,327
You can't even change
the gears.
932
00:47:09,394 --> 00:47:12,297
You can only put it
in forward or reverse.
933
00:47:12,363 --> 00:47:16,634
And yet, I think this is a
car for people who love cars,
934
00:47:16,701 --> 00:47:20,205
because it gives you
an entirely different
driving experience.
935
00:47:20,271 --> 00:47:23,208
There is no other car that's
quite like a Rolls-Royce,
936
00:47:23,274 --> 00:47:26,011
no other car that cossets you
in the same way.
937
00:47:26,077 --> 00:47:29,714
This is a car
that is kind to you.
938
00:47:29,780 --> 00:47:33,218
I think it is actually
impossible to be unhappy
if you're driving this car.
939
00:47:33,284 --> 00:47:35,020
And look at what
I've had to put up with:
940
00:47:35,086 --> 00:47:36,922
Richard Hammond
and Richard Hammond,
941
00:47:36,922 --> 00:47:38,356
Richard Hammond,
the Dodge Hellcat,
942
00:47:38,423 --> 00:47:41,927
Richard Hammond,
the Dodge Hellcat,
and I'm still happy.
943
00:47:44,595 --> 00:47:48,166
JEREMY:
As we arrived in Venice,
we were in good spirits.
944
00:47:50,035 --> 00:47:51,169
And, the next morning,
945
00:47:51,236 --> 00:47:53,038
we did
what all our predecessors
946
00:47:53,104 --> 00:47:55,573
on the Grand Tour
would have done.
947
00:47:55,640 --> 00:47:58,309
We took in the sights
from the water.
948
00:48:01,746 --> 00:48:03,248
It's so nice without Hammond.
949
00:48:04,515 --> 00:48:05,984
Dinner last night...
950
00:48:06,051 --> 00:48:09,120
Nice to order food
without somebody going,
"Have you got any chips?"
951
00:48:09,187 --> 00:48:12,557
Yeah. "Where's the ketchup?"
952
00:48:12,623 --> 00:48:15,826
JEREMY: He is never,
ever going to get out of
that square. I mean never.
953
00:48:15,961 --> 00:48:18,997
JAMES: I assume he's been
crushed to death by now,
or torn apart.
954
00:48:21,132 --> 00:48:22,600
Have you seen that?
955
00:48:22,667 --> 00:48:24,369
-Yeah.
-What a moron.
956
00:48:24,435 --> 00:48:27,672
JAMES: An inappropriate
brown powerboat.
957
00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:29,074
JEREMY: Orange.
958
00:48:29,140 --> 00:48:31,442
Is that allowed round here?
I'm surprised, actually.
959
00:48:33,011 --> 00:48:35,080
Lads!
960
00:48:35,146 --> 00:48:38,883
JAMES: What a yob.
JEREMY: I thought
his Hellcat was bad.
961
00:48:38,984 --> 00:48:40,618
Hammond, no.
962
00:48:43,221 --> 00:48:45,590
That's really inappropriate,
Hammond. Don't do that.
963
00:48:45,656 --> 00:48:46,824
This is very wobbly.
964
00:48:46,891 --> 00:48:49,494
JEREMY: Don't...
Don't do that, Hammond.
965
00:48:49,560 --> 00:48:51,129
(LAUGHS) Yeah!
966
00:48:51,196 --> 00:48:53,131
Who's hungry?
Who's for doughnuts?
967
00:48:53,198 --> 00:48:54,699
Hammond, stop it!
968
00:48:54,765 --> 00:48:56,567
-(RICHARD LAUGHS)
-Whoa!
969
00:48:56,634 --> 00:48:59,404
Yah! Water doughnut!
970
00:48:59,470 --> 00:49:00,671
Stop it!
971
00:49:03,108 --> 00:49:05,176
(RICHARD LAUGHS, JAMES GASPS)
972
00:49:07,812 --> 00:49:10,348
JEREMY: Hammond! Hammond!
973
00:49:12,383 --> 00:49:13,718
(CHEERING)
974
00:49:15,620 --> 00:49:17,122
What?
975
00:49:18,756 --> 00:49:21,026
Grand Tour. We can
do it again next year.
976
00:49:21,092 --> 00:49:23,228
Next year?
Do it again next year?
977
00:49:25,796 --> 00:49:28,499
Not only
did you knock us into
978
00:49:28,566 --> 00:49:31,602
the sewage-infested waters
of Venice...
979
00:49:31,669 --> 00:49:34,772
you cut the present
we gave you in half.
980
00:49:34,839 --> 00:49:36,841
No, hang on a minute.
No, it was only like
981
00:49:36,907 --> 00:49:39,477
a two-piece jigsaw puzzle, and
I put it back together again.
982
00:49:39,544 --> 00:49:41,946
Look, there it is.
See? Perfect.
983
00:49:42,047 --> 00:49:43,181
-Hammond?
-Yes.
984
00:49:43,248 --> 00:49:47,285
Art galleries
do not saw artworks in half
985
00:49:47,352 --> 00:49:49,454
just to get them
up the stairs, you moron.
986
00:49:49,520 --> 00:49:51,422
Anyway, listen,
before we move on,
987
00:49:51,489 --> 00:49:53,458
can I just say something
about that Aston Martin?
988
00:49:53,524 --> 00:49:56,261
Not to wind you two up.
I genuinely mean this.
989
00:49:56,327 --> 00:49:57,495
It's an amazing car.
990
00:49:57,562 --> 00:49:59,497
I know the steering wheel
is square.
991
00:49:59,564 --> 00:50:00,931
-And it was brown.
-Yes.
992
00:50:01,066 --> 00:50:03,068
And I know the interior
wasn't very nice,
993
00:50:03,134 --> 00:50:04,735
but, genuinely,
it's affected me.
994
00:50:04,802 --> 00:50:07,972
It's been living up here
ever since I got back.
995
00:50:08,039 --> 00:50:09,440
And talking of up here,
996
00:50:09,507 --> 00:50:13,544
it's now time to play
Celebrity Brain Crash.
997
00:50:19,517 --> 00:50:20,451
(CHEERING)
998
00:50:20,518 --> 00:50:23,421
Yes, it's time
for a top celebrity
999
00:50:23,488 --> 00:50:26,991
to try their hand at our
fearsome test of skill,
1000
00:50:27,058 --> 00:50:29,294
co-ordination
and observation.
1001
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:32,029
Now, so far,
I should explain,
1002
00:50:32,097 --> 00:50:35,333
no celebrity has actually
made it to the tent.
1003
00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:36,734
-No, they've all died.
-(LAUGHTER)
1004
00:50:36,801 --> 00:50:40,271
Yes, but our fingers
are crossed for this week,
1005
00:50:40,338 --> 00:50:43,274
because our guest
is a huge star.
1006
00:50:43,341 --> 00:50:46,344
You'll have seen him
in Mission Impossible,
1007
00:50:46,411 --> 00:50:50,515
Star Trek,
Shaun Of The Dead,Hot Fuzz,
1008
00:50:50,581 --> 00:50:53,251
and he's here to talk about
his new movie -
1009
00:50:53,318 --> 00:50:55,320
Spielberg movie -
Ready Player One .
1010
00:50:55,386 --> 00:50:58,456
Ladies and gentlemen,
we've got Simon Pegg!
1011
00:50:58,523 --> 00:51:00,091
(CHEERING)
1012
00:51:02,026 --> 00:51:04,329
And there he is.
1013
00:51:04,395 --> 00:51:07,365
There he is,
ladies and gentlemen,
with his Cornetto.
1014
00:51:07,432 --> 00:51:08,899
RICHARD: Always a Cornetto.
1015
00:51:08,966 --> 00:51:12,370
JEREMY: He's battled aliens,
he's battled zombies,
1016
00:51:12,437 --> 00:51:14,038
he should have
no problem at all
1017
00:51:14,139 --> 00:51:16,474
with a short stroll through
this pretty little town.
1018
00:51:16,541 --> 00:51:18,976
Of all his films,
it's Paul that I like best.
1019
00:51:19,043 --> 00:51:22,180
-I think that stands out.
- Paul was the forerunner
of Ted, really.
1020
00:51:22,247 --> 00:51:24,149
-It was.
-It was first. It came first.
1021
00:51:24,215 --> 00:51:27,518
Hot Fuzz .
It's Hot Fuzz for me, just
because of the fight scenes.
1022
00:51:27,585 --> 00:51:29,587
RICHARD: There he is.
He's on the bridge.
1023
00:51:29,654 --> 00:51:32,423
-It looks like he's being
hassled by seagulls.
-(LAUGHTER)
1024
00:51:32,490 --> 00:51:34,925
They're after his Cornetto,
I think.
1025
00:51:34,992 --> 00:51:36,461
Yeah, they're after his...
Oh!
1026
00:51:36,527 --> 00:51:38,296
(LAUGHTER)
1027
00:51:38,363 --> 00:51:40,765
-Oh!
-(APPLAUSE)
1028
00:51:40,831 --> 00:51:42,333
Oh, God.
1029
00:51:42,400 --> 00:51:44,169
There's literally
nothing we can do.
1030
00:51:44,169 --> 00:51:45,570
We're gonna get a reputation.
1031
00:51:47,172 --> 00:51:48,439
Does that mean
he's not coming on then?
1032
00:51:48,506 --> 00:51:50,408
-Well, James...
-(LAUGHTER)
1033
00:51:50,475 --> 00:51:54,379
...he fell into the harbour,
and the icy North Sea waters
are now filling his lungs.
1034
00:51:54,445 --> 00:51:56,781
It's a no.
He's not coming on.
1035
00:51:56,847 --> 00:51:58,416
Oh, God...
1036
00:52:00,251 --> 00:52:02,420
Well, look, I...
1037
00:52:02,487 --> 00:52:05,190
-Oh.
-I anticipated
something like this.
1038
00:52:05,256 --> 00:52:06,757
-Did you?
-Yes.
1039
00:52:06,824 --> 00:52:09,960
And so I prepared something else
we can do to fill the time.
1040
00:52:10,027 --> 00:52:16,000
It's this. You know Google
have been trying to build
a self-driving car?
1041
00:52:16,066 --> 00:52:17,568
For seven years
they've been at it.
1042
00:52:17,635 --> 00:52:20,271
We've got a picture of it.
It's absolutely hideous.
1043
00:52:20,338 --> 00:52:22,540
I was thinking,
"Well, how hard can it be?"
1044
00:52:22,607 --> 00:52:24,309
RICHARD: Oh, God.
-(LAUGHTER)
1045
00:52:24,375 --> 00:52:26,344
Ten days ago I thought,
"I'll give it a bash," okay?
1046
00:52:26,411 --> 00:52:28,045
And I've already finished it.
1047
00:52:28,112 --> 00:52:29,414
-Have you?
-Yes, it's here.
1048
00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:30,615
-Is it?
-Yes, it's here.
1049
00:52:30,681 --> 00:52:32,483
Let's bring it out.
It's phone-operated.
1050
00:52:32,550 --> 00:52:34,552
-So, erm...
Hang on. Just set....
-What?
1051
00:52:34,619 --> 00:52:37,121
No, here it comes.
Right, forwards.
1052
00:52:37,222 --> 00:52:38,223
Forwards.
1053
00:52:38,256 --> 00:52:39,657
Please try not
to be distracted
1054
00:52:39,724 --> 00:52:43,428
by the harrowing scenes...
of...
1055
00:52:43,494 --> 00:52:46,397
Left, left. Straight.
1056
00:52:46,464 --> 00:52:49,734
...the harrowing scenes
of Simon's lifeless corpse
1057
00:52:49,800 --> 00:52:52,102
being fished
from the harbour.
1058
00:52:52,237 --> 00:52:54,239
I know that's upsetting
for some people.
1059
00:52:54,305 --> 00:52:57,308
Right, we need to make
a bit of a a hole
in the crowd back here,
1060
00:52:57,375 --> 00:52:59,477
cos I'm gonna bring it
into the tent studio
1061
00:52:59,544 --> 00:53:01,512
so you can see
how brilliant I've been.
1062
00:53:01,579 --> 00:53:03,348
-(LAUGHTER)
-Forwards.
1063
00:53:03,414 --> 00:53:06,251
RICHARD: Really?
-That is brilliant!
1064
00:53:06,284 --> 00:53:08,253
-It's...
-Cheer, everybody.
1065
00:53:08,319 --> 00:53:09,754
(CHEERING)
1066
00:53:09,820 --> 00:53:12,990
Left. Left. Left.
1067
00:53:13,057 --> 00:53:15,260
-It's hideous!
-Left. Forwards.
1068
00:53:16,594 --> 00:53:20,731
-It's... So, hold on.
-Stop. Stop.
1069
00:53:20,798 --> 00:53:22,967
It's not brilliant.
It's hideous, is what it is.
1070
00:53:23,033 --> 00:53:24,302
How can you say it's hideous?
1071
00:53:24,369 --> 00:53:26,771
I've copied Google's
styling completely.
1072
00:53:26,837 --> 00:53:30,275
Is that a septic tank?
1073
00:53:30,275 --> 00:53:31,842
-Yes, it is.
-(LAUGHTER)
1074
00:53:31,909 --> 00:53:35,045
Cut in half, and then
I've mounted on the top
1075
00:53:35,112 --> 00:53:36,414
this chaise longue,
1076
00:53:36,481 --> 00:53:38,783
so the owner can recline
in great comfort.
1077
00:53:38,849 --> 00:53:41,619
Yeah, yeah.
How does it actually work?
1078
00:53:41,686 --> 00:53:42,587
Brilliantly.
1079
00:53:42,653 --> 00:53:44,855
Down here,
a very small little camera.
1080
00:53:44,922 --> 00:53:49,294
That feeds a view of the road
ahead to the system inside.
1081
00:53:49,360 --> 00:53:51,496
-What system?
-Well, there's a bonnet here.
1082
00:53:51,562 --> 00:53:54,198
Come round, I'll show you
the... the gubbins. Ready?
1083
00:53:54,299 --> 00:53:56,501
(CLEARS THROAT) There it is.
1084
00:53:56,567 --> 00:53:58,703
RICHARD:
Well, it's just a man!
1085
00:53:58,769 --> 00:54:00,738
-It's just a man in there!
-It isn't.
1086
00:54:01,939 --> 00:54:02,740
It is!
1087
00:54:06,311 --> 00:54:08,313
No. No.
1088
00:54:10,681 --> 00:54:13,684
It's not just a man.
This is a Romanian man.
1089
00:54:13,751 --> 00:54:14,952
(LAUGHTER)
1090
00:54:15,019 --> 00:54:18,323
I am providing employment
for newcomers to our country.
1091
00:54:18,356 --> 00:54:20,458
-Oh, God.
-What do you mean, "Oh, God"?
1092
00:54:20,525 --> 00:54:22,493
Think about it. Google, yes?
1093
00:54:22,560 --> 00:54:26,464
Google, they use electronics
to take away the work
of a man.
1094
00:54:26,531 --> 00:54:29,567
This gives him a job,
it gives him dignity.
1095
00:54:29,634 --> 00:54:32,136
-Dignity?
-Yes, dignity.
1096
00:54:32,202 --> 00:54:33,738
It's a bit feudal, isn't it?
1097
00:54:33,804 --> 00:54:36,574
It's a bit brilliant
is what it is.
Let me close the bonnet.
1098
00:54:36,641 --> 00:54:38,343
I'm gonna go for
my first-ever drive.
1099
00:54:38,376 --> 00:54:40,177
I'll go to t'foot
of our stairs here,
1100
00:54:40,244 --> 00:54:42,146
which is a Yorkshire
expression.
1101
00:54:42,212 --> 00:54:45,850
The great thing is,
it's so easy to get in
and out of, you know.
1102
00:54:45,916 --> 00:54:47,117
Look, there I am.
1103
00:54:47,184 --> 00:54:48,819
(LAUGHTER)
1104
00:54:48,886 --> 00:54:52,423
-Now I don't need the phone.
I can use my speaking tube.
-Oh, God!
1105
00:54:53,458 --> 00:54:54,692
There's a man in there!
1106
00:54:54,759 --> 00:54:57,027
What's Romanian
for "backwards"?
1107
00:54:57,094 --> 00:54:58,496
Înapoi, I think.
1108
00:54:58,563 --> 00:55:01,198
Înapoi. It is, obviously.
It's bilingual.
1109
00:55:01,265 --> 00:55:02,700
This is evil!
1110
00:55:02,767 --> 00:55:05,603
Google hasn't made it work,
I have.
1111
00:55:05,670 --> 00:55:07,938
Îna... Backwards.
I'll just stick to English.
1112
00:55:08,005 --> 00:55:09,840
Backwards. Backwards.
1113
00:55:11,275 --> 00:55:13,511
Thank you so much.
1114
00:55:13,578 --> 00:55:16,947
British engineering,
ladies and gentlemen,
1115
00:55:17,014 --> 00:55:19,484
with Romanian parts.
1116
00:55:19,550 --> 00:55:22,219
What a combination that is.
1117
00:55:22,286 --> 00:55:24,021
Shit! Ah, my head!
1118
00:55:29,193 --> 00:55:30,828
Yep. Whatever.
1119
00:55:32,430 --> 00:55:36,000
-Anyway, I'm glad he's gone.
-So am I.
1120
00:55:36,066 --> 00:55:39,637
No, I'm particularly glad
because of what's
coming up next.
1121
00:55:39,704 --> 00:55:42,673
Oh, yes! Yes. Now, right at
the beginning of this series,
1122
00:55:42,740 --> 00:55:46,110
Jeremy Clarkson said,
when we were at a race track
in Portugal -
1123
00:55:46,176 --> 00:55:48,145
and he said it
on the television -
1124
00:55:48,212 --> 00:55:50,948
that if his McLaren P1
wasn't faster
1125
00:55:51,015 --> 00:55:54,485
than Hammond's Porsche 918
or my Ferrari The Ferrari,
1126
00:55:54,552 --> 00:55:56,320
we could
knock his house down.
1127
00:55:56,421 --> 00:55:57,888
Well, it wasn't,
1128
00:55:57,955 --> 00:56:01,258
so, one weekend when
Jeremy was away, we...
1129
00:56:01,325 --> 00:56:02,893
Well, roll the tape.
1130
00:56:04,429 --> 00:56:05,963
JAMES: This is it,
1131
00:56:06,030 --> 00:56:10,735
200 years old and built from
beautiful Cotswold stone.
1132
00:56:10,801 --> 00:56:12,670
Now, I want to make it
absolutely clear
1133
00:56:12,737 --> 00:56:15,873
that this is
Jeremy Clarkson's
actual house.
1134
00:56:15,940 --> 00:56:18,776
Yeah, it really is.
I'd swear to my children's
lives on that.
1135
00:56:18,843 --> 00:56:21,846
It's Jeremy's house.
He bought it when he
fell in love with the view.
1136
00:56:21,912 --> 00:56:23,614
It is a lovely view,
actually.
1137
00:56:23,681 --> 00:56:26,684
It is. It'll be even better
soon, without a house in it.
1138
00:56:29,153 --> 00:56:31,556
RICHARD: Our plan
was to smash the place down
1139
00:56:31,622 --> 00:56:34,324
with some big
demolition equipment.
1140
00:56:34,459 --> 00:56:35,760
But there was a problem.
1141
00:56:40,164 --> 00:56:43,133
In this country,
you can't knock a house down
1142
00:56:43,200 --> 00:56:46,671
if the council find evidence
of bats living in it.
1143
00:56:46,737 --> 00:56:48,639
Well, they did,
and now we've been told
1144
00:56:48,706 --> 00:56:51,809
we've got to take the roof
off, quietly and by hand,
1145
00:56:51,876 --> 00:56:55,379
to give the bats the chance
to go and live elsewhere.
1146
00:56:55,480 --> 00:56:58,949
James, I can't help but
notice I am doing
all of the work here.
1147
00:56:59,016 --> 00:57:01,619
JAMES: Yeah, you're gonna
have to. I don't like it.
1148
00:57:01,686 --> 00:57:05,790
RICHARD: It's just a ladder!
It's a simple enough thing
to operate. Climb it!
1149
00:57:05,856 --> 00:57:08,526
Not if you're me, it's not.
How many bats are there?
1150
00:57:08,593 --> 00:57:09,594
-One.
-One?
1151
00:57:09,660 --> 00:57:11,762
-Yes, a bat.
-Just kill it.
1152
00:57:11,829 --> 00:57:13,498
We'll go to prison, mate.
We can't.
1153
00:57:13,531 --> 00:57:15,800
Just because that little
winged-mouse bastard
1154
00:57:15,866 --> 00:57:18,302
is hanging upside down in there,
feeling smug with himself
1155
00:57:18,368 --> 00:57:20,705
cos I'm up this ladder, we
can't knock the house down?
1156
00:57:20,771 --> 00:57:23,708
We've got to do it,
no choice, so get up here
and get on with it.
1157
00:57:23,774 --> 00:57:26,611
Hammond, I hate...
I hate heights.
You know I do.
1158
00:57:26,677 --> 00:57:28,713
I hate ladders, I hate bats.
1159
00:57:30,380 --> 00:57:31,649
RICHARD: Many hours later,
1160
00:57:31,716 --> 00:57:35,019
and with no help at all
from Spider-Man,
1161
00:57:35,085 --> 00:57:39,023
the roof was finally off
and the bat was free to move.
1162
00:57:39,089 --> 00:57:40,124
But would it?
1163
00:57:40,190 --> 00:57:42,059
Why doesn't it go and live
in there?
1164
00:57:42,126 --> 00:57:44,394
Because, let's be honest,
that's perfect
if you're a bat.
1165
00:57:44,529 --> 00:57:48,833
Yeah, well, it might, but
it's got to decide to do so.
1166
00:57:48,899 --> 00:57:51,435
-Can we encourage it?
-Yes, James.
1167
00:57:51,536 --> 00:57:55,806
Why don't you go and stand
in that barn and squeak in
a sultry and erotic manner?
1168
00:57:57,141 --> 00:57:58,543
(OWL HOOTING)
1169
00:57:58,609 --> 00:58:00,911
RICHARD: That night,
Spider-Man stood in the barn,
1170
00:58:00,978 --> 00:58:03,748
squeaking in a sultry
and erotic manner...
1171
00:58:03,814 --> 00:58:05,683
(JAMES SQUEAKING)
1172
00:58:05,750 --> 00:58:08,919
...and the bat
eventually succumbed.
1173
00:58:08,986 --> 00:58:11,722
So, the next morning,
we were ready to go.
1174
00:58:27,838 --> 00:58:31,141
This thing really works!
This rocks!
1175
00:58:31,208 --> 00:58:32,409
Oh, my word!
1176
00:58:32,476 --> 00:58:35,880
At this rate, we'd be done
and dusted in no time.
1177
00:58:35,946 --> 00:58:39,283
However, my finickity
colleague had an issue.
1178
00:58:40,851 --> 00:58:42,286
-Hammond!
-What?
1179
00:58:42,352 --> 00:58:43,854
-Stop!
-What?
1180
00:58:43,921 --> 00:58:44,755
Stop!
1181
00:58:44,822 --> 00:58:46,323
You don't just smash it
to pieces.
1182
00:58:46,390 --> 00:58:49,059
You're supposed to
dismantle it and leave it
in neat piles.
1183
00:58:49,126 --> 00:58:51,729
It's got to be tidied up.
You can't leave it like that.
1184
00:58:51,796 --> 00:58:54,431
It's actually quicker
if you do it methodically.
1185
00:58:54,498 --> 00:58:56,266
Oh, God.
Only you would say that!
1186
00:58:56,333 --> 00:58:58,603
You want neat piles of bits
that can be carted away.
1187
00:58:58,636 --> 00:59:01,105
You need to work on that bit
and that bit to start with,
1188
00:59:01,171 --> 00:59:02,940
then the rest
falls neatly into a heap.
1189
00:59:03,007 --> 00:59:05,109
How can you make
even this boring?
1190
00:59:05,175 --> 00:59:07,477
It's not boring. It's the
way... I've watched it done.
1191
00:59:07,612 --> 00:59:10,314
That's how you do it.
You don't just smash it.
I'll do it.
1192
00:59:11,682 --> 00:59:14,952
James then commandeered
my machine...
1193
00:59:15,019 --> 00:59:17,922
so I got another one
and carried on regardless.
1194
00:59:19,423 --> 00:59:20,725
And bang!
1195
00:59:26,263 --> 00:59:28,498
JAMES: Ah! I've got it!
1196
00:59:28,633 --> 00:59:30,635
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
1197
00:59:33,470 --> 00:59:36,340
JAMES: Oh, it's like winning
one of those things
at the fair.
1198
00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:40,077
RICHARD:
Thanks to me, at least,
progress was being made.
1199
00:59:40,144 --> 00:59:40,945
However...
1200
00:59:41,011 --> 00:59:44,148
-(CREAKING)
-I'm stuck on something.
1201
00:59:47,284 --> 00:59:53,123
Oh! Oh, I've broken
my digger. Oh, dear.
1202
00:59:53,190 --> 00:59:56,961
With me out of action
and James achieving nothing,
1203
00:59:57,027 --> 00:59:58,963
a new approach was needed.
1204
00:59:59,029 --> 01:00:01,131
But first,
we had to clear the site
1205
01:00:01,198 --> 01:00:03,768
of Jeremy's
most treasured possessions.
1206
01:00:05,069 --> 01:00:05,936
Shakira.
1207
01:00:07,171 --> 01:00:08,038
Shakira.
1208
01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:10,675
Shakira.
1209
01:00:14,144 --> 01:00:15,913
Oh!
1210
01:00:15,980 --> 01:00:19,283
That is a... strong image.
1211
01:00:19,349 --> 01:00:23,287
It's a tiny doll with pins
in it, and your face.
1212
01:00:26,691 --> 01:00:30,027
Look, this is his photo
album. It's probably
really precious.
1213
01:00:31,595 --> 01:00:33,363
-Oh, it's a bit disturbing.
-What?
1214
01:00:37,935 --> 01:00:40,470
-They're all of me.
-Yep.
1215
01:00:40,537 --> 01:00:45,442
JAMES: At this point, we
decided not to clear the site
of his treasured possessions
1216
01:00:45,509 --> 01:00:47,812
and moved swiftly to plan B.
1217
01:00:48,846 --> 01:00:51,148
Short ceremony,
say a few words?
1218
01:00:51,215 --> 01:00:52,249
Nah.
1219
01:01:09,734 --> 01:01:11,101
(SIGHS)
1220
01:01:12,870 --> 01:01:14,939
RICHARD: That...
JAMES: That got it.
1221
01:01:17,607 --> 01:01:21,178
(CHEERING)
1222
01:01:25,115 --> 01:01:26,383
Done.
1223
01:01:29,219 --> 01:01:30,821
So, let's just get this
straight.
1224
01:01:31,822 --> 01:01:34,091
You blew up...
1225
01:01:34,158 --> 01:01:36,326
that picture of me
on the horse?
1226
01:01:36,393 --> 01:01:37,594
-Yep.
-Yep.
1227
01:01:37,661 --> 01:01:39,764
-(LAUGHTER)
-Yep.
1228
01:01:39,797 --> 01:01:43,433
And on that terrible
disappointment, it's time to
end. Thanks for watching.
1229
01:01:43,500 --> 01:01:44,634
See you next week.
1230
01:01:44,769 --> 01:01:46,236
-(CHEERING)
-Good night!
1231
01:01:47,772 --> 01:01:49,840
♫♫
94929
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