All language subtitles for gillet

NARRATOR:
A new world enslaved.

This is a land
in need of a hero.

They call him

Machete. Machete. Machete.

He knows the score.

We need a leader.

We need a revolution.

We need you, Machete.

NARRATOR:
He gets the space babes.

LUZ: The people need us,
Machete.

This is a new Network.

It's all galactic and shit.

He thinks he's God
in Heaven.

So Heaven must fall.

NARRATOR: And he kills
the bad guys.

Starring Danny Trejo,

Michelle Rodriguez...

Eat photons, bitches.

...Alexa Vega.

With Justin Bieber
as Bleep.
(BEEPING)

And Lady Gaga as

whoever she wants to be.

With special guest star

Leonardo DiCaprio as
the Man in the Silver Mask.

(GRUNTS)

Actor subject to change

(GRUNTS)

Machete Kills Again...

...In Space.

Rated X for cigarette use,
prolonged sexual content,

pervasive language
and space violence.

(BEEPING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

LIEUTENANT BRASS:
Where the fuck are they?

SARTANA: (MUFFLED)
Hands up, assholes!

ICE. You're under arrest!

(GRUNTS)

MACHETE: Stay down !

LIEUTENANT BRASS:
Immigration?

The fuck is this?

What the fuck
does it look like?

Get your ass
on the ground.

Sweetheart, I'd lose
whatever strapdick
you rode in on...

(GROANING)

Don't call me sweetheart.

Move and I'll blow
your brains out.

LIEUTENANT BRASS: You can't!
You don't have jurisdiction !

We're the goddamned military!

You're selling military
weapons to the cartel.

Did you really think
they were gonna pay you?

You're lucky
we got here first.
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)

Cartel.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

(GRUNTING AND GROANING)

Where's el cohete?

It's about goddamn time!

You fuckholes were
supposed to be waiting.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Save these two for me.

(GROANING)

JESUS: I know you.

You're Machete.
Enemy of the cartels.

It's my lucky day.

A man who kills a legend
becomes a legend himself.

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

(GUNSHOTS)

(GROANING)

Who are these guys?

All right, let's go.

No! He said "cohete."

These guys are pros.
They didn't come here
for a couple of used M-16s.

Let's go,
it's not worth it.

You're the one that
taught me that the law

and justice aren't
always the same thing.

We gotta stop 'em.

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Oh, shit.

I wish you
hadn't seen this.

(SIRENS BLARING)

OFFICER: You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you say can
and will be used against
you in a court of law.

SHERIFF DOAKES:
That is quite the resume
you got there, Taco.

I mean, one might
consider you

to be a bit of an overachiever
when it comes
to killing people.

I bet you consider yourself
a mean motor scooter,
don't you?

Especially now we
got 24 cartel boys

laid out in pieces
all over my desert.

Well, I got news
for you, Taco.

They was the reserves.
They was the peons.

They're the red-headed
mongoloid runts
of Los Cuerpos,

and Los Cuerpos
don't take kindly

to strangers
disciplining their own.

Can I get an amen
on that, Clebourne?

Amen, sir.

See, here's the bad
news for you, Taco.

I'm the only one
who plays vigilante
around these parts.

And since you just
killed yourself
a Federal officer,

I'm about to have
me and mine
a hog-killing good time.

I didn't kill her.

Tomato, tomato.

Let's not get hung up
on the details, shall we?

Drop him, Clebourne.

(ROPE CREAKS)

Well, I'll be goddamned.

CLEBOURNE: They say
he doesn't die, sir.

Been shot, stabbed.

Doesn't ever die.

SHERIFF DOAKES:
Bull-fucking-shit.

This Pedro has just
got a thick neck is all.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(EXHALES)

Sheriff, it's for you.
(CHUCKLES)

It damn sure
ain't the governor.
(LAUGHS)

It's the President.

The President.
Yeah?

Of course, Mr. President.
Yes, sir.

(MACHETE GRUNTS)

This is Machete.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(GUN COCKS)

(GUNSHOT)
(MAN SCREAMS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

Machete.

Welcome to
the White House.

Good thing we got
to you when we did.

Southern hospitality
can be a bitch.

Why am I here?

Right to the point.
I like that.

No bullshit.

I'm a bit of a
no-bullshit guy myself.

So, all bullshit aside...

Get someone else.

(CHUCKLES)

We need you, Machete.

We got a situation
on our hands.

There's a revolutionary
south of the border
named Marcos Mendez.

You heard of him?

(STAMMERING) He's crazy.
He's out of his mind.

(SIGHS)

He's got a missile
aimed at Washington.

He says he's gonna
blow us up if we don't
invade Mexico,

clean up the cartels,
and stop the violence

they're spreading
across the land.

What's that got
to do with me?

The basic violation
of sovereignty aside,
we can't take the bait.

However, you know Mexico.
Hell, you are Mexico.

I want you
to head back south,

find Mendez,
and just check him out.

But if what
he's saying is true,

kill him.

I'm not interested.

Motherfucker,
I'm not asking if
you're interested.

I'm the President
of the United
fucking States, man.

Machete don't smoke.

I could just as
easily send you back
to your pals

in Hang 'Em High,
Arizona.

The way I see it,
you ain't got much
to chew on, hombre.

You know what this is?

Your criminal record.

Do this for us
and, poof, it's gone.

Your past
no longer exists.

In exchange
for your services,
I'm making you legal.

You don't have
to sign anything,

raise your right hand,
none of that shit.

I just stamp this
bad motherfucker,

and you are now
an official citizen
of the USA.

(SIGHS)

I just saved you
from your noose.
(SIGHS)

Save me from mine.

Do it for your country,
your new country.

Isn't that what
your dead girlfriend
would want?

Agent Sartana?

If you won't do this
for me, Machete,

do it for her.

MR. PRESIDENT: Your contact
is in San Antonio.

She'll brief you
and get you across
the border wall.

Your nation owes you
a debt of gratitude,
Machete.

Go kick some ass.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, El Rey Network's
very own Miss Texas Pageant

presents Miss San Antonio!

Thank you.

What do I believe?

I believe in
the word "equality."

I believe in
a woman's right
to choose.

Choose what?

A snow cone,
if that's what
she's in the mood for.

I believe in good barbecue,
the two-step, and the right
to carry a gun.

World peace?
Sure, why not?

But if we really wanna
talk about world peace,

we have to start by
tearing down that wall
that separates us from Mexico.

That wall only enables
us to ignore

the violence and injustice
that is occurring down there,

thus making world peace
nothing more than
a beauty pageant pipe dream.

God bless Texas.

(APPLAUSE)
Thank you.

(CHEERING)

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

You must be Machete.

Blanca Vasquez.

Codename,
Miss San Antonio.

I'll be your handler
for the duration
of your assignment.

You get into a stitch,

and I'll be in your ear
with the what's what,

the who's who
and the when's where
of it all.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

Try not to be distracted
by the cleavage
and the hairspray.

It's part of my cover.

This gig keeps me
close to the border

and the designer duds
ain't bad, either.

What happened
to world peace?

MISS SAN ANTONIO:
Fuck world peace.

The M4 carbine long-range.

It's got reflex sights,
micro-polymer grip,
a customized trigger.

Fast enough
to nip a jackrabbit
on roller skates.

That is, of course,

you happen to
come across a jackrabbit
on roller skates.

Or, my personal favorite,
the grappler.

Fires up to 30 yards.

Good for when you gotta
scratch those hard
to reach places.

I like this.

I like your style.
Low-tech.

But this ain't your
mama's cane cutter.

Consider this
the Swiss Army Knife
of machetes.

Machete.

Tell me about Mendez.

MISS SAN ANTONIO:
Marcos Mendez is the most
sick and twisted

fuckity-fox I've ever
had to keep tabs on.

People down south call him
Marcos the Madman.

He used to run
with Los Cuerpos

until one day
he wakes up

and decides he's gonna
turn on the cartel,
fight for the people.

We figure he's laired-up
in the jungle somewhere

since our satellites
can't pinpoint him.

Our only lead is
this prizewinner,

a working girl,
goes by the name
of Cereza.

Find her, find Mendez.

Where can I find her?
In Acapulco.

Her information, including
the address to her brothel,
is in this dossier.

Uh, uh, uh.

First, I'm gonna need
something from you.

See, even here,
people talk about Machete.

The man.

The myth.

The legend.

I just wanna know
the legend
inside and out.

I just lost someone.

Why don't you let me
turn that frown
upside down, Papi?

MISS SAN ANTONIO:
How long since
you've been back?

Since before
the wall went up.

A lot has changed
since then.

It's a run and gun
free-for-all out there.

Acapulco is a war zone,

and we're dropping you
right in the middle of it.

Here. It's a direct
line to yours truly.

You get into a pinch,
you just press pound
to phone home.

It's good for calls,
texts, tweets.

Machete don't tweet.

You do now.

You ready for this?

Good luck
on that pageant.

I'm gonna need
a lot more than luck!

Did you see the ass
on Miss Corpus Christi?

All right.

For all of you new girls,
it's peso-pussy Tuesday.

So keep your panties dropped,
your legs spread,
and your snatch well-oiled,

'cause you're not
walking any straight
lines tomorrow.

As you know,

every jerk-off low-life
from this side
of Rio Grande

is gonna pile
through that door as soon
as the sun comes down,

so get them off
and get them out.

And, ladies,
every stiff pecker in
my parlor pays to play.

No freebies.
Those are house rules.

Doors open
in five minutes.

DESDEMONA:
You're early, handsome.

But then again,
the early bird
gets the fresh egg.

I'm looking for a girl.

And I'm looking
at a man that came
to the right place.

Pick your poison.

This is the one I want.

Why this one?

Best in Mexico.

Have a seat on the couch,
lover boy.

I'll go fetch her for you.

(INAUDIBLE)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTING)

(DESDEMONA LAUGHS)

Where's the girl?
(BREATHES HEAVILY)

Upstairs. Room six.
But don't go.

You'll miss the peepshow.

(EXHALES)

I blew my wad,
lover boy.

(LAUGHS)

DESDEMONA: Get him !

Who the fuck are you?

Machete.

CEREZA: I've heard
Mendez speak of you.

You want to use me
to get to him?

Take me.

Now.

(GRUNTING)

DESDEMONA: Cereza!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

I said no freebies.

You know, the first thing
we are taught is
to defend ourselves.

Any one of us
could have killed you.

You think my mom
had bite?

Mendez is gonna gut
you like a game hen.

That was your mother?

You're here to kill him,
aren't you?

Look, don't be
a fucking hero, man.

Mendez is many things,
but merciful is
not one of them.

He'll skin you alive
for laying
your hands on me.

I'm his cereza,
his virgin.

Mendez isn't who
you think he is.

The terrible things
he did, he did them
for the greater good.

All he truly wants
is a better Mexico.

Machete, you have
to promise me

you'll spare his life
and help him.

Please, Machete.

If you've ever
loved anyone,
you'd understand.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Do nothing, say nothing,
or you're dead.

Who's this?

New bodyguard.
Mother's orders.

Go ahead, Zaror.
Call it in.

Tell Mendez
the muscle comes
or I don't.

(HELICOPTER HOVERING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

(BEEPS)

Yes.

So here's the thing.

He's lost his mind.
There are two sides
to him now.

Some days he's Mendez
the Revolutionary,
fighting for the people.

But other days
he's Mendez the Madman,

reliving his cartel glory.

It's a toss-up which
one you're gonna get.

So he'll either hug you
or he'll kill you.

His condition
gets worse every day.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

The boss has a message
for you, Machete.

(GROANS)

End of message.

(LAUGHS)

Wow!

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Look what the little
whore dragged in.

Machete Cortez.

Yes, I've heard
your stories.

People still sing
songs about you.

Raise your hand
if you have sung a song

about our friend
Machete here.

(LAUGHS)

(GROANING)

Only son of a bitch
who gets his praises
sung around here is me.

So tell me, Machete,
what did you think
of my Cereza, huh?

It's a shame
I had to let her go,

but by bringing you here
she betrayed me.

She was trying
to save you.

You know what this is?

This is the enema
I plan to fire up

the asshole of
the United States.

Why, Mendez?

Because our people
don't need songs
or stories.

They need action.

There's other ways.

The motherfuckers
run this country,

the corrupt politicians,
the media, hiding the truth,

and the cartels killing
anything and anyone
who stands in their path.

The US is responsible
for a lot of this.

So since they don't
take care of their part
of the problem,

then we will send our part
of the problem to them.

You're crazy.

With a capital "C,"
muchacho.

I know why
you're here, Machete.

You work for
the enemy now, huh?

Mmm.

Just another Pancho
doing their dirty work.

I got news
for you, cabrón.

Killing me ain't
in the cards.

'Cause I am the ticking,
tocking wrath of Mexico,
motherfucker.

Thanks to my good
doctor here,

that missile's launch system
is linked right into my heart.

So if my heart
stops beating,

Washington will become
the bright shining light

it always thought it was.

Disarm it.

There's only two
men in the world
who know how to do that.

(GROANS)

Correction, one.

Who's the other one?

The one who created
this beautiful device,
of course.

But since he lives
in the US,
I'm afraid you are fucked.

Your mission is over,
cabrón.

You have failed.

(SNAPS FINGER)

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

Machete don't fail.

(GROANS)

(MENDEZ SPEAKS SPANISH)

What you gonna do,
you gonna kill me?

That's a motherfucking
bomb, pendejo!

I'm not gonna kill you.

I'm gonna kill your men,
steal your choppers,
get you over the wall.

Leave him to me!

And find the other one
that can disarm you.

(MENDEZ LAUGHS)

Shoot me!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)

Let me take care
of him. Please.

(GROANING)

(LAUGHS) You won't
make it, amigo.

Even if we get out
of here alive,

my men are instructed
to put a bounty on my head.

$10 million.

We won't survive a mile,
let alone the border.

And the best part is,

(BEEPING)

the fail-safe on
my ticker here
just went live.

You have 24 hours,
my friend.

$10 million !
If the assassins don't
get us, the cartels will.

Hell, anyone with
a loaded weapon

and a bill to pay
will make a run at us.

And, boy, it's a long way
to the wall.

(MENDEZ GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

Yeah?
What's the status?
Is he dead?

I have Mendez
in custody.

In a chopper.
He's alive.

Wait a second.

Machete, what's this
I hear about you having
Mendez in custody?

Things got complicated.
No shit!

You were supposed
to take him out,
not give him a joyride

on the Good Ship Lollipop!

Damn it, I didn't
recruit you for your
sense of compassion.

Machete kills.

That's what he does!
He doesn't save
the bad guys!

Now shoot that motherfucker!

If he dies, you die.
The missile is wired
to his heart.

Come again?

Machete, can it
be disarmed?

Only where it was made.

MACHETE: VozTech.

VozTech is the biggest
weapons supplier
to our military!

You want to bring him
all the way back to
the fucking manufacturer?

MACHETE: I need
your help getting him
across the border.

This is part
of something big.
I can feel it.

Not happening.

Last time I sent
a black op team
into Mexico,

they got dead and I got
the Oval ass-fuck.

You're on your own, Machete.

We cannot help you
until you're out of Mexico.
You hear me?

Get the hell out of there
as fast as you can !

Machete, double-time it
to the border.

I'll assist you as
much as possible,

but you've got
to move your ass!

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

Oh, what happened?

You don't remember?

I have this condition,
I'm afraid.

I seem to switch
personalities unexpectedly.

You tried
to kill yourself.

You strapped a bomb
to your chest.

Then it seems events
are already in motion.

I am Marcos Mendez,
leader of the revolution.
And you are?

Machete.
Oh, Machete.

I've heard of you.

People sing
songs about you...

We've had this talk already.
Come on, get up.

I didn't hurt anyone,
did I?

You had Cereza killed.

(SIGHS)

Then I'm a monster
and I must die.

Let's go.

I will lay down my life
for the cause.

And if you choose to
remain in my company,

I fear you will become
its casualty, as well.

Come on.

(BEEPING)

(IN SPANISH)

SHERIFF DOAKES:
Should've kept up with
your Spanish there, son.

Sounds like we may be
able to string up this
piñata after all.

Let's get on it,
Clebourne.

Sounds like bean-fried Pedros
are back in season.

Come on !

You wouldn't happen
to have a popsicle

I could stick up
my ass, would you?

(SIGHS)

A martini. Extra dirty.
Two olives.

All we have is tequila
and Chango.

Right.

For a moment there,
I forgot I was in a black
hole of sophistication.

Chango it is.

Although,
your limited selection
of Mexican beer

is not what
brings me here.

So what does?

You do, Carlos.

(IN SPANISH)

But it can't be.

They say you don't
have a face.

They say you don't exist.

I may not exist,
but this gun does.

You don't have
to do this!

You can tell whoever
hired you that I'll give
back the money.

This isn't about
the money, Carlos,

and it isn't about
my employer.

It's about ethics.

Now if I don't shoot you
square in the face,

I would be violating
a contractual obligation
and, well...

Please.
Don't beg.

Emotional confrontations
make me very uncomfortable.

How much for
the Chango?

50 cents.

I'm gonna give you 75.

Do you have change
for a dollar?

(GROANS)

I don't know
where the hell we are.

MAN: Excuse me.

We're a little lost.
Any chance you could
steer us to León?

I could.

The trouble is,
you've seen my face
and I've just changed.

(GROANS)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)

(SOBBING)

I'm truly sorry, ma'am.

It's just a matter
of time and place not
meeting in your favor.

(GROANS)

WOMAN: (OVER STEREO)
I am lost. Can you help me
with directions?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Is there a bus
that goes nearby?

(CONTINUING IN SPANISH)

"Maneater."

That's what they
used to call me when
I was just a little girl.

(GROANS)

I didn't know
what that meant,

but that never
stopped my daddy

from coming into my bed
after a night of drinking.

(GROANS)

So, one night,
I gave him
what he deserved.

I chewed his balls off
with my teeth !

(LAUGHS)

The next day,

I went to school
with pieces of him
still in my braces.

(GROANS)

I became what
he always said
I was, a maneater.

(GROANS)

I despise men.
I can't trust them.

(GROANS)
I think that pussy
clouds their minds.

And now my little
Cereza lays dead

because of
that reason.
(GROANING)

And that's where
you come in.

(GROANING)

As random as a selection
as you might be,

you're still a man, Papi,
and I am fucking famished !

(GROANS)

(CHUCKLES)

Madame?

Yes?

We've found them.

Mendez and Machete.

Bring me my double-D's.

Gather all the girls.

(EXHALES) We're going
to avenge my Cereza.

Hey! You want Mendez?
Here I am !

(TIRES SCREECH)

MENDEZ: You read
my mind, Machete.

Yup, yup, yup,
this is the perfect place
for my last meal.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

Give me and my friend
here a plate
of your finest cabrito.

And bring some bread
and wine, too, please.
Thank you.

(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH
OVER RADIO)

(CHUCKLES)

(CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH)

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

MENDEZ: See, Machete,
you're the only one who
doesn't want me dead.

(CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH)

Puta madre, Machete.

What the hell are you
doing back in Mexico?

Our federales brothers
were very upset

that you abandoned us
in the heat of battle.

I heard you moved to
the US and cleaned rich
people's pools, huh?

Put the gun down.

This man's a murderer.

He killed 13 federales
in cold blood.

MENDEZ: 13 crooked federales.

Dirty lint in
Los Cuerpo's pocket.

How the fuck do
you know that, puto?

I was undercover.

An agent? (SCOFFS)

There's no agents
in Mexico.

You're looking at
Mexico's first, last,
and only secret agent.

Give me one
fucking good reason

I shouldn't shoot him
like the dog that he is.

If he dies, thousands in
Washington die with him.

And if he lives?
How many more will die?

And why help the US?

'Cause I'm the only one
who can.

You were always
the sensitive one, Machete.

(LAUGHS)

Bloody hell !
It's a Mexican stand-off!

I'm taking him in.

MENDEZ: Oh, really? Where?

You will take me straight
to the cartels.

Machete.
This man is a dirty cop.

Shut your fucking mouth !
Shut up, loco!

You shouldn't have
said that, amigo.

Because if you call me loco,
then I'm afraid
loco is what you get!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Hello again, Machete.

Say one more word !

Let's make
a better Mexico, Machete.

All you have to do is
pull that fucking trigger.
Come on.

Come on !

See, Machete?

Justice and law aren't
always the same thing.

(IN SPANISH)

(PEOPLE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

What the fuck
is going on here?

Where's my cabrito?

(MENDEZ LAUGHS)

Machete!

(LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS)

(OFFICERS SHOUTING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

WOMAN: (OVER STEREO) Hola.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Ah, look at me,
top scores.

Forgive my excitement,
but I'm just learning
to speak Spanish.

Not by choice, but I can't
get the, uh, CD to change
for the life of me.

But fuck it.
When in Rome, right?

Well, I'm trying
to find a place called
Villa Guerrero.

Perhaps you've heard of it?
No sé, señor.

You haven't heard of it,
or "no sé, " you don't
understand the question?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Allow me to use
a more useful illustration.

I'm really trying here.
(CHUCKLES)

And if you say "no sé"
one more time,

I'm gonna put a bullet
in your brain out
of sheer frustration.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Now then,
Villa Guerrero?
(GASPS)

Your sense of direction
doesn't inspire confidence,
señor.

Allow me to translate.

Damn.
I was just starting to
get used to this face.

(GROANS)

Ooh.

Muy bien, indeed.

(BRAKES SCREECH)

(DIALING)

MACHETE: El doctor.

Come quick.

Get the fuck out of here.
I'm performing surgery.

Put him in the bed there.

Where are they?
Still inside.

Okay, you two
take the rear.

(MONITOR BEEPING)

(BEEPING)
(HEARTBEATS)

Machete!

Come out and play!

DESDEMONA: It's time
we had another fling !

And bring that
baby-killer Mendez!

Pucker up, lover boy.

Suck on this!

(WHIRRING)

(SCREAMS)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Ugh, that's disgusting !

MENDEZ: So I'm still alive.

Good for you, Machete.
Good for you.

This is the crazy
you talking?

(SIGHS)

I can't continue to
live my life like this.

You used to be cartel.

And then you became
a revolutionary.

Why?
I was never cartel.

I was a secret agent
for the Mexican government.

My mission was
to infiltrate Los Cuerpos.

I had to see things.

I had to do things.

I had to watch people
die in ways that no man
ever imagined.

Compromising
everything I believed,
I became one of them.

I remember calling
my supervisor,

telling him that
I wanted out,

that I wanted
my life back.

What I didn't know,
he was dirty.

He had been bought
by the cartels.

They took me to
the killing room

where my wife
and daughter were waiting.

And they made me watch

as they beat them,
tortured them.

And then it happened.

The Madman took over
for the first time.

My wife and baby girl died
because I trusted
a system that did not exist.

I realized that if
I was ever going to
change Mexico,

I must do it myself.

I started my own revolution

against every single rotten
motherfucker responsible
for this violence.

I will die to see it through.

The real tragedy
in it all is that

people will never know
the truth about me.

How about you?
Does anybody know
the real Machete?

Where's your partner?
Every cop has a partner.

You couldn't keep
them alive, could you?

Think about it.
How old are you?

In your line of work,
why have you
lived so long?

Your partners knew
about self-sacrifice
for the greater good.

Not you, though.

You know what
you are?

Vengeance.

You are vengeance.

And vengeance never dies.

It only changes targets.

(MENDEZ LAUGHING)

Blessing in disguise,
chacho.

You'd never make
it past the wall
in this piece of shit.

You need
a stronger vehicle,
an armored vehicle,

and I know where
we can get one.

Small town near
the border.

There's a chop-shop there.

MAN ON RADIO:
Satellite feed coming online.

LUZ: Once he crosses
the border,
we can move in.

Come on.
Come on, come on,
come on.

Come on, you want
to get across
that wall or what?

This is cartel turf.

You led us right to 'em,
you crazy son of a bitch !
Shh.

No, no, no, no.
Be quiet.

They're all around us.

Waiting.

Lurking.

We're looking for a ride.

Well, this ain't
Enterprise fucking
Rent-A-Car.

These are custom orders.

I would do as
he says, Grasa.

GRASA: Well, look at this.

Marcos Mendez
in the flesh.

This will do.

GRASA: No shit it'll do.

That baby's
my fucking masterpiece.

Could take her
through a minefield
without a flat tire.

MACHETE: Cartel !

Easy, hombre.

You wouldn't shoot
a man in a wheelchair,
would you?

No.

(SCREAMING)

I'm jealous.

(LAUGHING)

MENDEZ: Go, Machete, go!

(LAUGHING)

(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH
OVER STEREO)

Hola, motherfucker.

WOMAN: (OVER STEREO)
Let's go to the nude beach.

(LAUGHING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Hey there, lover boy!

Ladies, give them hell.

Save lover boy
for Mama.

I have a special package
for him.

Killjoy, give me
my strap-on !

(LAUGHING)

Grab the wheel.

(BEEPING)

Get out!

(SCREAMING)

(CHATTERING OVER STEREO)

(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH
OVER STEREO)

Fuck!
WOMAN: (OVER STEREO)
You're dead.

(SCREAMING)

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(ENGINE STARTING)

(YELLING)

(LAUGHING)

Fuck, Machete!
You're crazier than I am !

Crazy like
a gypsy fuck, man !

Oh, what you gonna do?

Drive through it?
It's solid concrete.
(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

Machete, what the hell
are you doing?

Even Jesus
couldn't get through
that damn wall !

MACHETE: Do you know
another way?
There is no other way!

That's why they call
it a wall, God damn it!

I know a way.

See that graffiti tag
on the wall?

Drive straight for it.

An inch to either side
and they'll be scraping us
off the cement.

Which Mendez are you?

The one who wants
to help you get across
the border.

Hit it!
(TIRES SCREECH)

We built the tunnels
when they built the wall.

(LAUGHING)

You made it!

SHERIFF DOAKES:
Well, sweet Jezebel !

I think we just hit us
a stroke of beaner's luck

running into
you again, Taco.

You know, you
and your compadre
are going for about

10 million buckaroos
a head.

I was never straight A's
in algebra,

but that is
a shit-fire-fuck-me-hallelujah
lot of money.

I figure we oughta
take advantage of
your lucrative predicament

and get us up to squares.

No distractions this time,
right, Clebourne?

That's right, Sheriff.

All right then.

Sayonara, Taco.

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Special Agent Mendez.

How many of you
are there?

Sorry, that's classified.

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

What the hell is that?

My welcome party.

You didn't think
it would all be over

once we crossed
the border, did you?

Who do you think
gave me that missile
in the first place?

(LAUGHING)

There is a grand
conductor behind all this.

Zaror! You're alive!

(GUNS COCKING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Why re-elect
President Rathcock?

He dished out $6 million
of taxpayer money

to space technology companies
like VozTech Industries.

He built a wall protecting us
from the threat of illegals.

He took a stand and defended
our second amendment
with a vengeance.

And to boost our
national economy
to an all-time high,

he made marijuana
legal in 48 states.

My fellow Americans,
it's been a groovy
four years.

But there is still so
much left to accomplish.

For me, winning was
only the beginning.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Re-elect Rathcock.

A name you like,
a face you can trust.

VOZ: Don't worry,
Mr. Cortez.

You haven't failed
your mission yet.

Where am I?

Recuperating
in my sumptuous
healing pool right now.

Do you like it?

And as you can see,

our friend Marcos Mendez
is still very much
alive and ticking.

Which makes him
still very much a threat.

It needs to be disarmed.

You don't know what
you're dealing with.

Well, actually, I do.

I invented it.

Allow me to
introduce myself.

My name is Luthor Voz.

Let me admit, I've been
following your career
for quite some time now.

I am a tremendous fan
of your work, Mr. Cortez.

As an aficionado of
the arts of war myself,

I just gotta say
that you are one
genuine article,

Genghis Khan, high caliber,
fucker-people-upper.

You're a warrior,
Mr. Cortez. A killer.

A survivor. Like me.

Just try to relax.

I mean, if I wanted you dead,
you'd be fucking dead.

Are you gonna
disarm it or not?

I'm leaning towards not.

But that all very
much depends on you,
Mr. Cortez.

You sold Mendez
the missile.

No. I gave it to him.

But then, I've given
a lot of bad things
to a lot of bad people,

but that does not
make me one of them.

Get dressed, Mr. Cortez.

Allow me to try
and convince you.

I'll turn my back.

Welcome to VozTech,

the world's premier
space technology
and weapons manufacturer.

You know,
Time Magazine
once called me

a merchant of death
with an assembly line.

But one very special day,
I began to think bigger.

And now I've turned
science fiction
into science reality.

(LAUGHS) And this,
this is where we conduct
our training exercises.

For what?
Our exodus.

When NASA asked
me to build them

a new state-of-the-art
luxury space station,

I luxuriously told
them to fuck themselves.

Why, you ask?
Well, because I'd already
built one of my own.

It's up there right now,
just floating
the fuck around,

waiting for me
and my people
to inhabit it.

In fact, Mr. Cortez...
Machete.

Incidentally, Mr. Machete,

I plan on moving into
my new space pad
very, very soon.

I'm very excited.
Here, have a heart.

What about the heart?

Well, that's why
I'm relocating.

Climb aboard.

Yes, I'm a Star Wars fan.

Tanks, missiles,
bread and butter.

It's the simple
things that fund

my more
out-of-this-world
enterprises.

Why Mendez?
Why?

Well, bin Laden is dead

and America
has always needed
its boogeyman,

so I created a new one.

Yes, I supplied
Señor Mendez
with the fireworks.

VOZ: But given
Mendez's aptitude
for the unpredictable,

I left one of my men
behind to keep me abreast

of his process
or lack thereof.

MACHETE: What's your plan
have to do with me?

I have high hopes
for you, Mr. Machete.

Higher than you could
mentally ascend to.

A spaceship?

Technically speaking,
space shuttle.

Not to mention,
my legacy.

It all started about
six years ago.

I privately funded
a suborbital launch.
Went up myself.

Yeah, I was something
of a thrill-seeker
back then.

Before what I like to
call "the incident."

I was up amongst the stars
and something inexplicable
happened to me.

I saw the future.

I saw the world ending.

It unfolded right before
my very eyes.

And that's why
I built this.

Aboard it, me and anyone
who wants to join me
will take flight.

And when kingdom comes,
as it surely will,

we'll be safe
amongst the stars.

Noah had his ark,
I got mine.

You really believe that?

I believe what I see.

And luckily for you, sir,
I saw you up there with me.

I see glimpses
of what lies ahead.

It's a condition
I was left with
after the incident.

Speaking of which,
I'd take a step or two
back if I were you.

You ever had déjà vu?
Lasts a couple
of seconds, right?

With me,
it's been two years.

You don't believe
me now, but you will.

VOZ: Now if I couldn't
see into the future,

then how could I have
made all these?

Mr. Machete,
I present to you
the arms of tomorrow.

Pick your fancy.

And you pick
the only one in the place
that's faulty.

I'm sorry,
but my molecule blaster
doesn't quite work yet.

It keeps turning
shit inside-out.

Perhaps this is more
your speed anyway.

Primitive, lightweight.

Retro, yet high-tech.

Demonstration?

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Like it?

Yes.

It's yours.

And now, Mr. Machete,
if I could just
cut to the rub.

I'd like to recruit you.

You already have
enough men.

No, but not the best
by any means.

How can they be when
you so dominantly claim
that title yourself?

Demonstration.

Good luck.

(SIGHS)

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING)

Encore. Encore.

Or three?

Genetically engineered
super soldiers, you see.

Clones.

Have at 'em.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

VOZ: Just as I predicted.

No match for
the likes of you.

I created my clones
because where I'm going,
I'm going to need an army.

And that poor
dead bastard you met
in Mexico, Zaror,

he was my prototype.

But since you fucked him up
like a Special Ed
science fair project,

I'm left to regret
my choice.

You still haven't
told me why I'm here.

I need a stronger specimen
from which to draw
a new batch of clones

and I was hoping
that you would do me
that honor, sir.

There is only one Machete.

But what if
there were more?

What if there was an army
of enhanced Machetes?

Machete, Machete.
Everywhere Machete!

You and I together,
we'd be a force
to be reckoned with.

(GROANS)

I'm sorry.
I may have overreacted,

but that numbnuts was
about to spill a bottle
of 1787 Château Lafite.

No more games.

Disarm it.

Join me.

Surely you know by
now that I know how
all this turns out.

Then you know
I'm taking this.

Oh, and where will you go?

You know I'm the only
one that can disarm it.

I'll find someone else.

Oh, good luck with that.

But I think there's
one more little thing
you should know.

Mendez wasn't
my only boogeyman.

North Korea, Russia,
I have a Mendez everywhere.

And in a matter of hours,
they'll launch
on one another,

throwing the world
into gargantuan,
unrecoverable anarchy.

Too many syllables?

The world is fucked.

Why?

This world must end
in order for a more
perfect one to emerge.

And like it or not,
Mr. Machete,
you're coming with me.

(SIGHS)

(GROANING)

Goddamn, you're good !

Get that bastard !

Try not to get too many
of yourselves killed
in the process! (LAUGHING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(BEEPING)

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

VOZ: My molecule blaster
doesn't quite work right yet.

It keeps turning
shit inside-out.

(WHIRRING)

(SCREAMING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

What took you so long?

You're lucky I came at all.

Oh, we'll meet again,
Mr. Machete.

I've seen it.

Been tracking you
since your bounty
hit the airwaves.

Quite a shit-storm
you stirred up
down south.

I thought I'd tap in.
Couldn't let you
have all the fun.

Hey. I'm sorry
about Sartana.

We all are.

She was one
of the good ones.

As you can see,
the Network's
gone full scale.

We're new and improved.

Over 500,000 extractions
and counting.

When they put up the wall,
we had to up our game,
find funding.

Now, our reach
extends all the way
to San Cristóbal.

The rules are the same.

You get in,
you gotta earn it.

We monitor our members
to make sure
they're doing their part.

If they're not,
I'll deport
their asses myself.

(SIGHS)

Missing?
All of them?

MIA. Every last
one of them.

One minute
they're tearing ass
for the border,

the next,
they're vanished.

Disappeared without
a trace.

It's like aliens abducted
by goddamn aliens.

You gotta check this out.

This is the surveillance
footage we got.

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

We think the same
douchebag that took
you took them.

Seems like he's
building some sort
of secret weapon,

possibly needs
the Mexican labor
to finish it.

It's in space.

He wants to get there
before the missiles
take off.

What missiles?
What the fuck are
you talking about?

Launch trigger is wired
to a biological clock.

We need to find someone
to disarm it.

You got anybody
in the Network?

(SIGHS)

Yeah. But you
don't like him.

MACHETE: Osiris.

(GROANING)

(CHOKING)

Come on, Machete,
he's with us.

He's not with me.

He's our only bomb guy.

You wanna choke
him out, go ahead.

I hear it's always
the blue wire.

What's he doing here?

He came to me about
six months ago.

Said he'd changed his tune.

Cabrones ain't got no tune.

I know that you would
prefer to see me
all sorts of dead,

but God has already
cursed me for what
I did to Padre.

That's why I'm here.

To finish your brother's work.

My only redemption
is in righting that wrong.

So, please, give me mercy
and I swear I will
make it up to you.

Or die trying.

I'd have it no other way.

This is your bomb guy?

You can try
the Yellow Pages.

I gotta make a call.

You'd better be somewhere
with shit reception,

because I've been
trying to reach you
all damn day.

MISS SAN ANTONIO:
Where's Mendez?
Dead.

But his heart still beats.

You're joking, right?

Machete don't joke.

Humor me.

Who's got the heart?

Voz. He's bad news.
Been using Mendez to
do all his dirty work.

Machete,
I'm gonna stop you
right there, okay?

Luthor Voz may have
his hand in a lot of pockets,
but he's harmless.

He sponsors
my damn pageant,
for Christ's sake.

You need to alert
the President.

Just calm down.

Tell me your location
and we'll talk
about this in person.

Better meet
somewhere else.
Have it your way.

I'm gonna text you
a rendezvous point after
my swimsuit competition.

Who's the bitch?

Handler.

(SNIFFING)

You fuck her?

Yeah, you did.

What, you got a problem?

Yeah, I got a problem.

When you smell
like pussy, it means
you're pussy-whipped.

And when
you're pussy-whipped,
your judgment's cloudy.

Just jealous.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Is that her?

I thought Machete
don't text.

Machete loves everybody.

Man, screw this.

Where you going?

With you.

It takes a bitch
to make a bitch
and I smell fish taco.

LUZ: Tito, Osiris.

Taco time.
(GUNS COCK)

What do you know?
I won.

MACHETE: Congratulations.

It's exciting, right?

You're looking at
the new Miss Texas.

Who are they?

Listen, cariño,
I would love to stay
and chit-chat with you,

but not while
there's a live missile
inside state lines.

So would you please,
pretty please,

get into the car
and debrief me
on your mission?

If that's even what
you'd like to call your
blood-splattered fiasco.

How'd you know?
Know what?

The missile.
That it was here.

(CHUCKLES)

Look at you.

Smarter than
the average Mexican.

You work for Voz.

I promised to turn you
over to Voz and Voz
promised me the crown.

See, I can't really
sing or twirl a baton,

but I can win.

(GUNS COCKING)

Oh.

Papi, I'm sorry.

You and I really could
have had something,

but I just love killing
a good romance.

Make it count.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GRUNTING)

I knew I smelled bitch
in the air tonight.

Payback's the only bitch
you need to worry about.

This dress costs more
than your fucking life!

Didn't anybody ever
tell you not to wear
a dress to a gunfight?

Oh, baby,
I always dress
to the nines.

I dress to kill.

Wait, no, wait! No, wait!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(WHISPERING)
Where's Tito?
He's down.

(GROANS)

Go, I got this.

How many do we got?

Fuck!

He's on the roof!

Yeah, no shit
he's on the roof!

Will one of you please
get him off the roof...
Shit!

For crying out loud,

will one of you well-paid,
well-trained

gentlemen please shoot
that motherfucker?

Thank you !

(GRUNTING)

(PHONE RINGING)

This is the President.

Mr. President,
it's Miss San Antonio.

Machete never showed
up to the rendezvous.

I just hope
that he's still alive.

MACHETE: It doesn't matter.
It's not worth it. Let's go.

SARTANA: Aren't you the one
that taught me that the law
and justice

aren't always the same thing?

We gotta stop 'em.

(GROANS)

(IN SPANISH)

Fuck it.

Who am I kidding?

I really must hand
it to you, mi amigo.

You are a difficult man
to catch up with.

You have no idea
what I went through
to get here.

Hours, I spent stranded
on that desert highway

until this holy rolling
rig came along.

(WOMAN CHATTERING
OVER STEREO)

Lady. Please. Help me.

You and all your drug-pushing
compadres just derailed
my pursuit,

so frankly,
I'm leaning in another
direction entirely.

Give me mercy.

There's about three things
I'd rather give you

and they're all in the
chamber of this gun.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Straight up?

Or with some flair?

Straight up?

Or flair?

Whatever is the more
interesting way to die.

(MAN GROANS)

Weirdo.

(GROANS)

You know, I rather
enjoy my new disguise.

I must apologize
for making you dig
your own grave.

It's appalling, not offering
you a more professional
courtesy,

but I'm not
one for hard labor.

You on the other hand,
being Mexican and all,
you must be used to it.

And...

Holy fucking
underground tunnel !

People!

Did you see the Mexican guy?

Drop it!

Reach for the sky
before I put that
illegal face in a tussle.

You have it all wrong.
This is all a big mistake.

Only mistake you made was
dancin' across that border,
muchacho.

No, no, you don't understand.

I am no Mexican.

Don't move your hands, amigo!

Sir, really, listen
to my voice.

Do I sound Mexican?

I am from Ontario,
for fuck's sake!

Canadian and Mexican.

Double-whammy.

Smoke this fool !

(GRUNTS)

Get him some water!

No time for water.

Doc Felix needs to
see him right away.
Machete!

You're back.

Sorry if I smell.

Did you know the average
person passes gas
14 times a day?

It's true.

Our target, Luthor Voz.

The same proper fuck
who's been jacking
our members.

As we speak, he's got
a missile pointed
right up our ass.

And since it looks like
no one else is gonna
stop him, it's on us.

Machete's mission with Voz
has nothing to do with us.

We are the Network.

Our mission is Mexico.

Our mission has changed.

He's right.

I'll go it alone.

You're not going anywhere
without me, cabrón.

No time to argue.

Fuck that.

Let me explain
something, mi gente.

This isn't about
Mexico no more.

It's about the world.

No world, no Mexico.

Count me in.

Me, too.
Me, too.

Ditto.

ALL: Viva Machete!

Looks like
it's settled, Machete.

When do we hit 'em?

Tonight.

(BEEPING)

(IN DISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

WOMAN: Network-1 in position.

Network-2 in position.

Copy that.

Here you are.

Thank you.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
your host, Voz!

(INAUDIBLE)

(CHEERING)

My fellow travelers,
my friends,

I proudly present the
Millennium-1 ready to
launch right on schedule.

Now before long,

we'll be transported to the
heavens on a maiden voyage
of Titanic proportion.

And once the world is purged,

we'll return to bring about
a new world together!

(ALL CHEERING)

In a moment, the boarding
process will begin.

But first, my friends,
prepare for infinity!

Reveal your new selves to me!

MACHETE: Why don't you
tell them the truth?

Tell them you
orchestrated all this.
The missiles, the heart.

Would someone
please help the help?
He seems to be lost.

Tell them if the world ends,
you're the one who ended it.

(GASPING)

How can this be?
This isn't supposed
to be happening.

No, this isn't
supposed to be...
I never saw this.

Machete happens.

Look, this is no time
for second thoughts.

The end is near,
I assure you.

For you.

Let's do this.

(ALL GASP)

Well, ladies and gents,
I had hoped to have
an uninhibited evening,

but now it seems...

Guards!

(IN DISTINCT SHOUTING)

What about Voz?
We find the heart first.

After you, chief.

Motherfuckers!

What the beating
fuck is that?

Yeah, I'm more of
a cherry bomb, matchstick
kind of guy, you know.

Semtex, TNT.
50-50 shot on a good day.

But this...
I mean, high octane
organs ain't my bag.

Then what good are you?

Never mind. We're live.

It's a shame I have to
kill you now, Mr. Machete,
but if you gotta go,

go inside-out.

No!

We're even.

Well, what can I say?

I suppose we both
like getting our
hands a little dirty.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

You can't beat me, you know.

I know your every move
even before you do.

Nobody knows Machete.

That's true.

Ever since I met you, the
future has been more unclear,
and that, that puzzles me.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

But then I figured it out.

There's just not a whole lot
going on up there, is there?

I admit, I may not be able to
predict you as accurately now,

but I assure you, I'm every
bit as merciless as what
you are.

Demonstration?

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

Keep fighting, God damn it!
(GUN CLICKS)

Preach it, sister.

How poetic.

Now you really are
the blind leading the blind.

(GROANING)

Round them up, let's go!
Get them on the shuttle now.

And someone find Voz.

All right, folks,
let's keep it moving.

Form a single-file line,
one after another. Thank you.

FEMALE VOICE ON PA:
Missile launch in
T minus two minutes.

One after another.
MAN : What the hell?

Keep your hands in the straps
and hold on tight.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Really?

You're gonna make
me kill a blind chick?

I'm pretty sure
they're gonna take
my crown for that.

That's all right. They'll just
give it to the next bimbo who
spreads like butter.

All right, darling.

You wanna tango?

Let's tango.

Mano-a-mano, motherfucker.

FEMALE VOICE ON PA:
Missile launch in
T minus one minute.

Watch it now, pussycat.

That's not a very lady-like
kind of thing to say.

I don't do lady-like.

(SCOFFS)

So what then,
you're just a regular
old cranky bitch?

Or is it PMS?

If it were PMS,
you'd be dead already.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

It was fun while it lasted.

(GROANING)

(GRUNTS)

So now what happens?

Ask the last guy
who shot my eye out.

(FEMALE VOICE COUNTING DOWN)

VOZ: It appears
we have a stray.

And where, oh, where might
our mutual acquaintance be
at this moment?

Pissing on your sunny day.

You fucked with
the wrong Mexican.

Indeed I have.

However, in 20 seconds,
none of that will matter,

but you, well, you're
looking at a pickle any way
you slice it.

I can't see, but I could
still kick your ass.

That's why I'm taking
you with me.

Ah !

Load her onto the shuttle.

Bring them.

They can join
the other laborers
we abducted.

There'll be plenty of work
to be done up there.

This is your captain speaking.

I apologize in advance for the
discomfort you may experience
during our travels,

but we are unforeseeably
overbooked.

So please hang on and try
and enjoy the flight.

See you in space,
Mr. Machete.

(SIRENS WAILING)

Get the fuck off that man.
He just saved the world's ass.

Machete, I got your message.
We were able to stop the
other missiles.

Where's that
son of a bitch Voz?

Are you telling me that turkey
is just up there floating
around with weapons and shit?

I got a wild idea.
Just hear me out.

I can put you on
a SpaceX rocket,
top of the line.

You go up into space.

I'll do it.

Your country thanks you.

Good luck, Machete.
Get the bastard.

(NARRATOR READING)

I'm President Rathcock
and I approve this message.

You can't surprise
pussy-punch someone.

(YELLING)