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1
00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:03,737
-I'm a
once-in-a-generation artist.
-Oh.
2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:06,874
Who just got verified
on Twitter, about,
what, nine days ago?
3
00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:09,177
I'm glad you feel good
that a robot told you
you're worth it.
4
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:10,578
Hi, I'm Dave
5
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:28,229
(odd creaking sound)
6
00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:34,868
(sound repeats)
7
00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:38,806
What the...
8
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:43,043
Who the hell gave you permission
9
00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:45,113
to monkey around
with my precious volumes?
10
00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:46,547
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
11
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:47,848
NANDOR:
What has he done now?
12
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,050
He's been monkeying around
with my precious volumes.
13
00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:53,053
-No, I haven't been monkey--
I haven't touched your books.
-Oh, really?
14
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:55,523
Well, explain this.
15
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,225
Shit, he's taken it up
a notch.
16
00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:58,559
That's worse than before.
17
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,694
Guillermo, why would you
do such a thing?
18
00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:02,696
I didn't do it. I-I haven't even
been in this room.
19
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:03,931
I wasn't even here.
20
00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:05,099
LASZLO:
Well, you're in there now.
21
00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:06,967
-NADJA: What's going on?
-LASZLO: It's Gizmo.
22
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,636
He's been causing havoc
in the household.
23
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:11,071
Ooh.
24
00:01:11,105 --> 00:01:12,840
Look. Look.
25
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:19,447
"Laszlo sucks," backwards.
26
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,149
LASZLO:
Laszlo doesn't suck.
27
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:23,284
And if he did, he certainly
wouldn't do it backwards.
28
00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:24,285
GUILLERMO:
I didn't write it.
29
00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:26,454
NADJA:
Hmm.
30
00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:27,988
We've got ghosts.
31
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:29,423
-Bullshit.
-(Nadja groans)
32
00:01:29,457 --> 00:01:32,059
(Laszlo grunts)
33
00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:34,162
("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)
34
00:01:34,195 --> 00:01:36,730
Don't sing if you want
to live long
35
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:39,167
They have no use
for your song
36
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,902
You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead
37
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:44,772
You're dead
and out of this world
38
00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:49,343
Now your hope and compassion
is gone
39
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:52,112
You sold out your dream
to the world
40
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:54,448
Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead
41
00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:57,117
You're dead
and out of this world.
42
00:01:57,151 --> 00:01:59,887
43
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,029
A ghost is the spirit
of a person who has died,
44
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:12,200
but still has unfinished
business
45
00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:13,267
on this mortal plane.
46
00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:14,602
There's no such thing
as ghosts.
47
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,103
Okay, here we go again.
48
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,505
My wife comes from
the kind of town
49
00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:19,840
that believes in all this kind
of superstitious nonsense.
50
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,942
She also thinks
goblins are real.
51
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:24,378
Personally, I'm a man
of science.
52
00:02:24,412 --> 00:02:27,181
All right, then, Dr. Arsehole,
how does your science
53
00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:29,617
-explain what we just saw?
-Now, you see,
54
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,151
it can be one of two things.
55
00:02:31,185 --> 00:02:32,453
One, a mercurical zephyr.
56
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,488
Two, it's a farrago of gasses,
57
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:36,123
possibly from a peat bog.
58
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,326
Now, if you capture these
and add them together,
59
00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:41,195
-using yellow bile
from a plague victim...
-(hisses)
60
00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:43,531
...you've got what
looks like a ghost.
61
00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:45,533
-But it's science.
-Ooh! (blows raspberry)
62
00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:47,201
NANDOR:
Ghosts are
63
00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:49,203
the stuff of fairy tales.
64
00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:51,472
Stories we tell children
to frighten out
65
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:54,242
their excess energy
so that they might
66
00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:56,544
-slumber more peacefully.
-GUILLERMO: Huh.
67
00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:00,848
Did you say something?
68
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:03,351
I'm sorry, vampires are real,
but ghosts are not?
69
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:07,588
He's heard too many
fairy stories from Nadja.
70
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:08,722
No, I actually just want
to make sure
71
00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:09,823
we're on the same page.
72
00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:11,892
You know, after years
of working for you,
73
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:14,262
a known vampire,
I have seen
74
00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:16,264
-werewolves, necromancers...
-(growling)
75
00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:18,065
...a zombie
and several Babadooks,
76
00:03:18,098 --> 00:03:20,200
but a ghost, that's where
we draw the line.
77
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:22,770
Several?
You saw one Bababook.
78
00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:25,205
-Several Ba--
-Don't exaggerate.
79
00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:28,509
Do I believe in ghosts?
Uh, no.
80
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,110
Color me skeptical.
81
00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:34,582
Um, though, maybe it's ghosts
that are always stealing
82
00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:38,452
that one sock from the dryer.
(laughs)
83
00:03:38,486 --> 00:03:42,189
I've been experimenting
with, uh, humor
84
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,692
to drain energy.
85
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:47,227
Which reminds me,
does anyone here
86
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:49,196
have any updog?
87
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,699
Updog?
88
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,534
If I didn't know
what updog was,
89
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:56,570
I would at least ask-ask me.
(chuckles)
90
00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:03,311
Hey, everybody, look at
my enormous crystal balls.
91
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:07,247
Maybe these ghosts will
bring with them some updog.
92
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:11,819
Guillermo, did you get my joke
about my enormous balls?
93
00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:14,254
-I did, Master.
-NADJA: Silence!
94
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:15,423
The time is nigh.
95
00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:17,325
Everybody join hands.
96
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:19,159
COLIN:
Sorry if my hands are
a little oily.
97
00:04:19,192 --> 00:04:21,829
It's from my rash cream.
98
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:24,832
NADJA:
Troubled spirits,
draw ye near.
99
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:29,269
Uncloak yourselves
and reveal to us your forms
100
00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:30,638
on this terrestrial plane.
101
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:34,241
I beseech you,
using the ancient words.
102
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,676
'Eye' tis ka lay
103
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:39,847
ksenikon e patroion,
e pakouston e foraton e keye,
104
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,682
kath-eye-restho hon-'pear'
105
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:44,117
apokatharet-eye.
106
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,986
(vocalizing)
107
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,521
Mm...
108
00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:49,089
(loud creaking)
109
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,559
(creaking moan echoes)
110
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,864
-Guillermo, did you make a fart?
-No.
111
00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:59,132
I think someone summoned
a breakfast burrito.
112
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,133
Silence!
113
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:02,269
A spirit is struggling
to be heard.
114
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:06,106
Is it maybe a spirit
who's struggling with IBS?
115
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:08,141
(laughter)
116
00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:10,177
You have ruined
the energy of the séance
117
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:13,046
with your toilet potty
poo-poo-mouth humor!
118
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:16,283
And a price will be paid.
You fools!
119
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:20,821
Nadja, we were only joking.
120
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,122
Idiots.
121
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,825
(sighs)
122
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:29,530
(Nadja gasps)
123
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:33,367
Oh, yes.
124
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:36,236
Jeff... Jesk.
125
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:38,005
So you are a ghost now, yes?
126
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,674
My Nadja.
127
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:42,576
For an eternity,
I have longed to hear
128
00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:45,245
your sweet, angelic voice
say my name again.
129
00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:47,247
Well, it's only been a few
months since you died,
130
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:50,484
but that's...
Thank you, very nice.
131
00:05:50,518 --> 00:05:52,319
I have missed you so.
132
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,754
Sorry, can I just stop you?
133
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:55,889
It's really weird
with you down there.
134
00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:57,190
If you could--
Sorry, the head.
135
00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:59,092
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
136
00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:00,661
-Put it back on the neck.
Sorry, it's just...
-Right, right, right, right.
137
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,063
-Duh. Ew.
-Ugh. (chuckles)
138
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,097
This is better, huh?
139
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:05,198
So much better.
140
00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:08,602
-Thanks.
-So, Jesk, what can I...
141
00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:11,104
Um, sorry for not taking you
seriously, my darling.
142
00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:13,741
(scoffs) And what do you
think about it now?
143
00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:15,275
What do I think about what?
144
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:16,544
Jesk, say something.
145
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,712
Hey, thanks for
cutting my head off.
146
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:21,348
-Again. You dick.
-NADJA: Now, now.
147
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,383
He was just doing
his husbandly duties.
148
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:25,185
Who are you talking to,
my darling?
149
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:26,353
Can't you see him?
150
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:29,356
There's nobody there, my dear.
Are you okay?
151
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,391
-He's sitting right there.
-There's no one there.
152
00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:33,193
-But he's...
-I'll, uh,
153
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,462
just go back inside
and leave you
154
00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:37,064
to, uh, talking to the air.
155
00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:41,301
Shit.
156
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:43,036
Nandor!
157
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,238
-There's a fucking ghost
on the front lawn.
-What?
158
00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:47,240
-Not you, too.
-I couldn't believe it myself.
159
00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:50,143
But what mine own eyes have
seen, mine own eyes have seen.
160
00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:51,278
I pretended I couldn't see it,
161
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:53,213
which will give us
the element of surprise.
162
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:56,216
-Okay. Okay.
-We must act quickly.
163
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:57,451
Take the large one.
164
00:06:57,485 --> 00:06:58,619
Yes, good idea.
165
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,921
Yeah, that's better.
166
00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:02,823
Right, where's this
fucking ghost?!
167
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:05,593
(shouting)
168
00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:06,727
JEFF:
...ghost stuff.
169
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:10,464
Aah! Get ready to swallow
my sword! (grunts)
170
00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:12,533
But it's... What the fuck?
171
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:20,240
Whoa, shit.
172
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,275
-That's wild.
-Thank you!
173
00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:24,612
-So, this...
-You need to keep
your voice down, otherwise
174
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:26,647
-that thing will hear us.
-I can hear you.
175
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:27,981
Now look what you've done.
176
00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:30,017
-What is this gloopy shit?
-Huh.
177
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:31,451
Looks like ectoplasm.
178
00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:33,821
-Is that right?
-(chuckling): I guess so.
179
00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:37,357
-Is there any in my hair?
-Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
180
00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:38,458
Guillermo, tissue, please.
181
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:40,528
-COLIN: Quite a bit.
-NANDOR: Fucking guy.
182
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:41,695
That thing needs to be gone.
183
00:07:41,729 --> 00:07:42,963
He's not going to hurt us.
184
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:45,533
-You're not going
to hurt them, right?
-No.
185
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:46,967
I'm not gonna hurt you guys.
186
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,468
-I'm just here
to scare you guys.
-LASZLO: Bollocks.
187
00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:49,970
-Well, we're not scared.
-You should be scared of us.
188
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:51,805
-NADJA: Calm down.
-Really?
189
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,507
How about now?
190
00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:55,375
-Been there, done that.
-JEFF: How about now?
191
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:56,710
(roaring)
192
00:07:56,744 --> 00:07:59,847
(all screaming)
193
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:01,348
NADJA:
Cut it out!
194
00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:03,651
-Would you stop it!?
-(chuckles)
195
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:06,053
Pardon me, ghost.
196
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:07,721
Later, man.
It was nice meeting you.
197
00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:10,524
So here's the situation.
198
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:13,493
Every time my human ex-lover
is reincarnated,
199
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:16,897
our bodies call to one another.
200
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:20,734
But without a body,
he's all Jesk and no Gregor.
201
00:08:20,768 --> 00:08:22,135
And it stinks.
202
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:25,238
My unfinished business,
how it torments me.
203
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:29,242
-Please, help me complete it
so I may leave this plane.
-Sure.
204
00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:31,545
But what, exactly,
do you want me to do?
205
00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:34,214
Just, like, swear that
you'll help me...
206
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:36,183
Do what?! No.
I don't have time for this.
207
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:38,151
My husband is shitting himself
down the road.
208
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:40,120
All right, all right.
I love you.
209
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,691
-And a little to the left.
-(groans)
210
00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:46,493
-It sort of looks like updog.
-(hisses)
211
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:49,262
(growls)
These ghosts, what are they?
212
00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:50,731
NADJA:
Humans have bodies.
213
00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:52,933
And within the body
resides the spirit.
214
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:56,103
When the human dies,
the spirit is released.
215
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:58,572
And that spirit is a ghost!
216
00:08:58,606 --> 00:09:01,274
We are all dead, technically.
217
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:02,710
You, me and Laszlo.
218
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:05,245
Each of us died
when we became vampires.
219
00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,080
Colin Robinson
I'm not so sure about.
220
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:08,548
But the three of us.
221
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:11,518
Yeah, I'm not positive
what my deal is either,
222
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:14,087
so I just sort of
keep on truckin'.
223
00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:15,789
But what is the point?
224
00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:18,025
If we are technically dead,
like he says,
225
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,226
could ghosts of us exist?
226
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:22,095
No, but--
227
00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:23,430
Huh.
228
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:26,800
-Hmm.
-Hmm.
229
00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:27,935
Huh...
230
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:30,804
-Not now.
-Shut up.
231
00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:33,941
Hootorektas e-'pay' k-elastero
232
00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:35,809
kath-eye-restho
233
00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:37,144
hon-'pear' hootorektas
234
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:41,114
e-'pay' k-elastero
apokatharet-eye.
235
00:09:41,148 --> 00:09:43,450
Ooh, what the blazes?
236
00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:46,219
-(echoing): Where am I?
-NADJA: Bloody hell.
237
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,455
(shouts in foreign language)
238
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:50,590
-That looks like me.
-What have you done?
239
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,159
Get off me.
240
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:55,062
(ghosts speaking
foreign languages)
241
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,496
LASZLO:
Be quiet.
242
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:01,669
Laszlo, he's wearing
your old night skirt.
243
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:04,604
He is. Got nothing underneath it
by the looks of it.
244
00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:08,776
It's like looking in the mirror.
245
00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:11,144
So handsome.
246
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:12,646
I didn't even know
247
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,448
I had any unfinished business
when I died.
248
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:16,784
But, as you can see,
249
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:18,318
I have a ghost,
250
00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:19,586
so there must be something.
251
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,421
(ghost shouting
in foreign language)
252
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,891
Guillermo, can you help him
with that, please?
253
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:29,362
-He seems very agitated
and restless.
-(shouting)
254
00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:33,834
And also, he doesn't seem
to speak any English.
255
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:35,035
Excuse me.
256
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:39,472
(speaking foreign language)
257
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:41,641
I can't believe
I've completely forgotten
258
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:43,276
how to speak
Al Qolnidarese.
259
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:46,146
My own language.
So embarrassing.
260
00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:48,115
Guillermo, what is he saying?
261
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,150
How-how would I know?
262
00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:53,320
I do remember how to say
"Good morning," though.
263
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:54,788
GHOST NANDOR:
Aspam...
264
00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:56,757
Sob bekher.
265
00:10:57,825 --> 00:10:59,026
Baleh?
266
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:00,861
Sob bekher.
267
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:02,896
(speaking foreign language)
268
00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:06,299
Yeah, no, that's all I've got.
269
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,168
Aspam oonjahss.
270
00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:12,005
You could have learned
to play the bouzouki,
271
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:13,707
you could have learned
to play the zither,
272
00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:16,376
you could have warmed six
million flatbreads on hot coals.
273
00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:18,078
You could have done
one thousand things
274
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,213
a one thousand times,
but what have you done?
275
00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:22,649
Well, I have some things I've
been planning on getting to.
276
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,418
Maláka! All you do
is sit around this house
277
00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:27,654
with these two dumb men
just talking
278
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,656
about their willies
and their arseholes.
279
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:32,192
I wouldn't call them dumb.
280
00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:33,660
-And their farts.
-Whatever.
281
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,328
Enough about me. What about you?
282
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,430
How can I help you finish
your unfinished business?
283
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,366
Oh...
(exclaims in Greek)
284
00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:40,768
You are my unfinished business.
285
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,770
How can I rest
until you do something
286
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:44,571
with your eternal life?
287
00:11:44,604 --> 00:11:47,174
Instead of sitting around here
like a bump on a log's ass.
288
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,542
What? Like, learning
to play the bouzouki?
289
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,779
-That might be a start! Ugh...
-Oh... (exclaims in Greek)
290
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:53,013
BOTH:
...you are absolutely
impossible.
291
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,548
-I am like...
-(laughs)
292
00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:57,684
(both laugh)
293
00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,052
We said exactly the same...
294
00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:01,021
We did the same with the words.
295
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,123
Oh, come on.
296
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:06,293
Hey. I was, uh, just giving you
an update on my, um...
297
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:08,195
(clears throat)
...unfinished business?
298
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,797
It remains unfinished.
299
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:12,632
-So, if you have...
-All right, not now, Jesk.
300
00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:14,935
Yeah, okay.
301
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:17,404
Who was that pasty
little piece of hummus?
302
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:18,772
I'm telling you,
don't even go there, girly.
303
00:12:18,806 --> 00:12:21,141
Nothing but a pain
and the heartache.
304
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:23,543
Sounds like somebody
has gone there
305
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:24,744
-and then come back from there.
-(laughs)
306
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,379
Well, what can I say?
307
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:28,048
I'm a ravenous little monster.
308
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,818
We both are.
We're very, very horny.
309
00:12:30,851 --> 00:12:33,253
(both laugh)
310
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:36,323
I bagged this chap on a midnight
sojourn to the Lake District.
311
00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:38,792
-Keswick?
-Grasmere, actually.
312
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:41,261
Grasmere, yeah, I used to visit
a duchess in Grasmere.
313
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:44,331
-Yes, I remember.
-Yes, of course you do.
314
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:47,600
Now I am led to believe that
your presence here indicates
315
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:51,571
some kind of unfinished business
on this terrestrial plane.
316
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,974
-Indeed so.
-Sorry about that, old chap.
317
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:55,943
-Anything I can help with?
-Well, actually, yes.
318
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:57,510
I believe you can.
319
00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:59,646
You remember the night
you officially died, I presume?
320
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:01,348
Oh, I remember it well.
321
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:04,117
My lovely Nadja came in through
the window, took my life,
322
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:06,920
thus making me the vampire
you see before you now.
323
00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:08,621
A damn handsome one at that,
I might say.
324
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:10,924
(laughs)
You're too kind.
325
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:13,994
Now, you remember the precise
moment Nadja took our life,
326
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:16,696
I was on the verge
of a sexual climax.
327
00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:19,699
Well, here's the thing. I was
on the verge of fulfillment,
328
00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:22,435
yet I couldn't quite finish.
329
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:24,271
Ah. I see.
330
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:27,607
You want to finish
your final human orgasm?
331
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,977
Yes. I have tried to finish
myself off with these hands,
332
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,478
but they're ghost hands.
333
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:33,346
-They don't have
the necessary stimulus.
-Hmm.
334
00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:34,948
How irritating.
335
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:37,484
Yeah, whereas your meat hands,
I'm convinced,
336
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:41,688
would give me the traction
for full sexual release.
337
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,501
Things are not going so great.
338
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:57,337
The language barrier
is insurmountable.
339
00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:59,672
Een khar asan zabooneh
khodesham yadesh nist.
340
00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:02,075
Khejahlatam khoob chisiyeh.
341
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:05,145
Evah.
342
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:06,679
Aspam oonjahss.
343
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:11,684
You want to learn how to paint?
344
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:14,922
Nah. Aspam.
345
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:17,090
Aspam John.
346
00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:19,326
Yes, my horse John.
347
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:20,527
John.
348
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,495
Yes.
349
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,164
I get it now.
350
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,333
Aspam John.
351
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:29,569
Areh. Aspam John.
352
00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:33,073
Aspam means "my horse."
353
00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:34,707
John.
354
00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:37,077
NANDOR:
John was my closest companion.
355
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,846
Closer than even members
of my own family.
356
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:43,283
House slaves, concubines,
357
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,618
37 wives.
358
00:14:45,652 --> 00:14:49,923
Sometimes I would feed him nuts
and berries from my own mouth.
359
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,925
He would accompany me
everywhere.
360
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:53,726
On the battlefield,
361
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:56,863
as I relentlessly slaughtered
thousands of enemies.
362
00:14:56,896 --> 00:15:00,633
And also, he would be there
when I felt a little sad.
363
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,137
John.
364
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:06,573
(both laugh)
365
00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:09,209
We have decided that my ghost
366
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,944
is going to stick around
for a while.
367
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,912
Because we're having
a real laugh together.
368
00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:14,447
(laughs)
369
00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:15,748
A very funny hat situation.
370
00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:17,917
Two. One and two.
371
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:21,621
-(whoops)
-You know, it is just so nice
372
00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:23,323
to have someone smart
to talk to for a change.
373
00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:26,159
I love Laszlo, I do,
but it's always...
374
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,161
-Of course.
-(Laszlo impression):
"Ah, darling, I seem
375
00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:30,230
"to have got my crotch stuck
376
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:33,600
-to the taxidermy fox's mouth
again. Whoopsie."
-So desperate.
377
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,335
You know?
And Nandor is just like,
378
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:37,504
(Nandor impression): "Oh,
this battle and that battle."
379
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,806
So much toxic masculinity
in the Ottoman Empire.
380
00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:42,175
-Serious. Real problem.
-(regular voice): It is a lot me
381
00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:45,145
sitting there silently,
nodding and smiling politely
382
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:47,180
and not a lot of plain talk.
383
00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:50,150
Until this one came along.
384
00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:53,153
Oh. Hang on.
(gasps)
385
00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:54,854
Ooh.
386
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:57,357
-You know,
that could be perfect.
-Do you like?
387
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:59,926
-I love.
-Okay, so do we need
to do any sort
388
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:03,830
of occult procedure
or ceremony or...
389
00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:05,865
Ah. It was that easy.
390
00:16:05,898 --> 00:16:08,868
Oh, yes. Yes,
this will do nicely.
391
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,770
-(footsteps approaching)
-(laughs) Oh, shh. Shh, shh.
392
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,939
No more talking.
I don't want the boys to know
393
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,541
that you have taken a new form.
394
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:15,842
I don't think
they would understand.
395
00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:18,045
-JEFF: Hey, Nadja?
-(sighs)
396
00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:20,947
My unfinished business, please?
397
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:24,184
Gregor, please, just fuck off
for real this time.
398
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:27,154
Listen, will you at least
hear my tales of woe?
399
00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:29,989
I want to tell you about them,
I need to tell you about them.
400
00:16:30,023 --> 00:16:33,493
Jesk, you are very sweet,
401
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:35,628
but you're not
my responsibility anymore.
402
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:38,398
Jesk, I think you need
to hear this.
403
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:41,368
You are just a lovely guy that
I took very strong sex with
404
00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,136
a few hundred thousand times,
405
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:45,972
and then my husband
cut your head off. Move on!
406
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,541
So you have been busy
these past 700 years.
407
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:50,210
(Ghost Nadja laughs)
408
00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:51,844
So you want me to go?
409
00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:54,681
-Go!
-All right, all right.
410
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:56,649
Oh, he's so pathetic.
411
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:58,251
I love it.
412
00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:01,354
Seriously. Call me.
413
00:17:01,388 --> 00:17:02,755
Jesk!
414
00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:05,725
-Mm-hmm.
-GHOST NADJA:
See you again soon,
415
00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:06,726
you tasty little honeypot.
416
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:08,495
(kissing sounds)
417
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:11,398
Tonne a'otonne-tropon
418
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:13,533
kathi-restao.
419
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:17,070
Hon-pear apokatharet-eye.
420
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:21,174
Yuck.
421
00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:24,444
-(speaks foreign language)
-(horse neighing)
422
00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:26,479
(hooves clopping)
423
00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:35,155
(whinnies softly)
424
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:41,894
-Aspam John.
-John.
425
00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:43,263
NANDOR:
John?
426
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,298
I have missed you so.
427
00:17:45,332 --> 00:17:48,701
I never thought I would
see you again.
428
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,538
John and I were
inseparable, but, uh,
429
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:55,142
eventually, I had to eat him.
430
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:58,245
My army and myself found
ourselves stranded
431
00:17:58,278 --> 00:17:59,712
with no food.
432
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:02,048
I ate John.
433
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:05,017
I wept the entire meal...
434
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:09,789
...even though
he tasted delicious.
435
00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:11,224
(speaking foreign language)
436
00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:13,326
NANDOR:
Been a good boy, yes?
437
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:14,961
(whinnies softly)
438
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:16,596
(speaks foreign language)
439
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:20,267
John? What is happening?
440
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,669
-Where are they going?
-COLIN: I think your ghost's
441
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:25,405
unfinished business is that
442
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:29,642
he wanted to be reunited
with your guys's horse.
443
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:30,777
-John.
-GHOST NANDOR: John.
444
00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:34,080
Right. And now that
you've reunited them,
445
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:37,717
they can move on from this world
to the afterlife.
446
00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:41,020
Farewell, John.
447
00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:44,324
Perhaps we will be
reunited again
448
00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:47,126
in the hereafter.
449
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,695
Sob bekher.
450
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:52,732
Yes. Good morning to you, too,
my friend.
451
00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:56,703
Good morning to you both.
452
00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:58,871
Mm...
453
00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:04,511
There, there.
454
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,012
Hug?
455
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:12,385
(whispers): I think
you just need a little updog.
456
00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,221
NANDOR:
Can we go get some now?
457
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:21,494
Interesting choice
for the walls.
458
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:22,895
It's not how I would do it.
459
00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:24,464
-NADJA: Hello, darling.
-Hello, my darling.
460
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,466
-What have you got there?
-Oh... (stammers)
461
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:29,035
Nothing, really, just a little
dolly I thought might
462
00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:31,471
-cuten up the place. (chuckles)
-What a charming addition.
463
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:32,672
So, where is your ghost?
464
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:35,308
Oh, he, uh, he's moved on,
465
00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:36,876
to the next world.
466
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:39,178
Did you helped him finish
his unfinished business?
467
00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:42,382
-Yes.
-Good.
468
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:44,651
-I'm gonna show her around.
-Ah, ha, ha.
469
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:48,187
-(squishes)
-Ugh, what is all this
sticky stuff?
470
00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:50,022
Oh, it-it's everywhere.
471
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:52,024
Is it ghost ectoplasm?
472
00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:54,494
Yes, my darling.
That's exactly what it is.
473
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:57,330
-Ghost ectoplasm.
-(moans)
474
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,098
(exhales sharply)
475
00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:00,533
(squishing)
476
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:03,336
Hon-pear hootorektas e-pay
477
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:08,207
k-elastero apokatharet-eye.
478
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:15,214
-Colin.
-Hi, Grandma.
479
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:18,685
You are such a big boy now.
480
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:21,020
And even more handsome.
481
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:24,424
It's probably because I have
so much updog.
482
00:20:24,457 --> 00:20:26,192
What's updog?
483
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,395
Nothing much, dog,
what's up with you?
484
00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:29,962
(both laugh)
485
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:32,565
-(snorts)
-Oh, Colin.
486
00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,801
You are such a stitch.
487
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:38,438
-All right, then.
-So tell me, how is your life?
488
00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:40,473
I have missed so much.
489
00:20:40,507 --> 00:20:43,075
Uh, Grandma, I'm gonna be
honest, I'm pretty busy
490
00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:45,545
right now, so maybe we can
catch up another time.
491
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,580
But there's so much
I want to ask you about.
492
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:50,082
-Okay, got to go.
-Oh...
493
00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:52,118
Later.
(exhales)
494
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:59,792
Darling, I will miss you so
495
00:20:59,826 --> 00:21:05,765
When you have gone away
496
00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:09,068
Miss your kisses
497
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:12,939
And fond caress
498
00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:15,107
Your haunting voice
499
00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:19,245
And your loveliness
500
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:25,151
Darlin, I will miss you so
501
00:21:25,184 --> 00:21:29,155
Darling, I'll miss you so.
502
00:21:35,662 --> 00:21:38,030
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
503
00:21:40,667 --> 00:21:42,435
Spirits, uncloak yourselves.
504
00:21:42,469 --> 00:21:44,804
-There's
no such thing as ghosts.
-Okay. Here we go again.
505
00:21:44,837 --> 00:21:47,139
-(warbling)
-(groaning sound)
506
00:21:47,173 --> 00:21:50,276
I think someone summoned
a breakfast burrito.
507
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:52,479
(up-tempo music plays)
508
00:21:54,046 --> 00:21:55,047
VOCALISTS: Hey!
509
00:21:56,716 --> 00:21:58,050
Oh, damn!
510
00:21:58,084 --> 00:21:59,419
(classical music playing)
511
00:22:07,259 --> 00:22:09,896
-(shouting)
-(screaming)
512
00:22:10,897 --> 00:22:13,232
What the hell
is going on out here?
513
00:22:14,767 --> 00:22:15,968
Ta-da!
514
00:22:16,002 --> 00:22:18,571
-Whoo-hoo!
-(splashes)
515
00:22:18,605 --> 00:22:21,508
-(roars)
-You've got 20 seconds
to decide-- arms or legs?
516
00:22:21,541 --> 00:22:23,209
Decide. Decide!
517
00:22:23,242 --> 00:22:25,378
-(drill whirring)
-(screaming)
518
00:22:25,412 --> 00:22:28,548
We're just getting started.
(grunting)
519
00:22:28,581 --> 00:22:31,884
-(shrieks)
-(farting, grunts)
520
00:22:31,918 --> 00:22:33,119
Ow.
521
00:22:38,290 --> 00:22:40,760
CHILDREN: Mummy! Mummy!
522
00:22:40,793 --> 00:22:43,362
(high-pitched voice)
Mummy isn't here.
Try next door.
523
00:22:43,396 --> 00:22:44,597
CHILDREN: Mummy!
524
00:22:44,631 --> 00:22:47,867
WOMAN: Oh, my God.
No, got the wrong house.
525
00:22:52,271 --> 00:22:54,707
Did you call
the speaker of the house
a four-letter word?
526
00:22:54,741 --> 00:22:56,075
-No.
-Are you sure?
527
00:22:56,108 --> 00:22:58,711
Yes, I'm sure.
"Ass" is a three-letter word.
528
00:23:07,153 --> 00:23:09,055
MAN: This is your station.
529
00:23:09,088 --> 00:23:12,191
But... what am I
actually doing here?
530
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:14,026
I'm not gonna tell you.
531
00:23:14,060 --> 00:23:16,463
Don't worry.
You're gonna figure it out.
38154
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