Original subtitles

{1}{1}23.978 {2494}{2578}-So, kids, caught anything?|-Not yet, sir. {2589}{2675}-What do you use for bait?|-My brother's using worms... {2677}{2787}...but I feel tranquility outweighs|catching fish and use nothing. {2790}{2917}-I see. What's your name?|-Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? {2922}{3017}I'm Dave Shutton. I'm a reporter|who's on the road a lot. {3022}{3094}In my day, we didn't talk|that way to elders. {3098}{3161}Well, this is my day, and we do, sir. {3181}{3239}All right! We eat tonight! {3280}{3312}Wait a minute. {3319}{3431}One. Two. Three. {3803}{3854}Leave it to old Mary Bailey... {3858}{3945}...to finally do something|about that hideous mutation. {3950}{4005}Mary Bailey! If I was governor... {4009}{4080}-...I'd find better things to do.|-Such as? {4085}{4202}Getting Washington and Lincoln's|birthdays as separate holidays. {4206}{4323}President's Day! What a rip-off!|I bust my butt day in and-- {4330}{4393}-You're late.|-Someone will punch in for me. {4398}{4437}Don't spill anything. {4443}{4489}-Keep the mutants coming!|-I'll mutant you. {4614}{4668}Oh, man! Plain cake donuts. {4670}{4743}Thanks for taking|all the fancies, guys! {4748}{4804}Why can't I ever get here on time? {4808}{4870}Hi-ho, faceless employees. {4875}{4991}In a few moments, the government|inspection team will be here... {4995}{5081}...so look busy and keep quiet!|That's all. {5085}{5151}Very stirring, sir.|Here they come. {5155}{5204}Hold me, Smithers. {5296}{5338}Okay. Geiger counters on. {5411}{5481}That's normal background radiation. {5484}{5559}You'd find it in|any nuclear facility... {5562}{5645}-...or for that matter, hospitals.|-Sorry. {5670}{5736}Gum used to seal crack|in cooling tower. {5740}{5782}I'm as shocked as you. {5786}{5898}-Plutonium rod used as paperweight.|-Now that shouldn't be. {5973}{6045}Yeah, well, that's always|been like that. {6087}{6153}-Just resting my eyes!|-Well done. {6156}{6222}A rested employee|is a vigilant employee. {6226}{6276}Monitoring station unmanned. {6306}{6426}Look here, inspector, could I speak|to you privately in my office? {6436}{6576}Mr. Burns, in 20 years, I have never|seen such a shoddy, deplorable-- {6580}{6696}Oh, look! Some careless person|has left thousands of dollars... {6700}{6809}...just lying here on my table.|Smithers, why don't we leave... {6812}{6949}...and hopefully, when we return,|the pile of money will be gone. {7031}{7104}The money and a|stupid man are still here. {7108}{7218}If I didn't know better,|I'd think you were trying to bribe me. {7223}{7345}Is there some confusion about this?|Take it! Take it, you poor schmo! {7350}{7435}Mr. Burns!|I'm gonna overlook this felony. {7440}{7590}However, I will not overlook the 342|violations I have observed today. {7595}{7728}Either bring this place up to code,|or we'll shut it down. Good day. {7757}{7890}Oh, well. A little dab of paint|here, a little spackle there. {7895}{7981}How much could it possibly cost|to fix this place up? {7985}{8053}-Approximately $56 million.|-56 million?! {8058}{8149}-Don't hit me, sir.|-Oh, that I had the strength to. {8154}{8256}Now please go. I would be alone. {9230}{9261}Empty. {9294}{9353}Just resting my eyes! {9364}{9424}Holy moly! 9:30. {9429}{9532}Hi, Marge. Sorry I didn't call,|but it's been a madhouse here! {9537}{9623}Yeah, these 12-hour|days are killing me. {9648}{9684}Echo! {10411}{10438}Mr. Burns? {10447}{10505}Sorry, sir.|It's me, Homer Simpson. {10509}{10604}-Is everything all right?|-Working late, Simpson? {10624}{10716}-Yes, sir.|-You and I are a dying breed. {10720}{10792}I'll share something with you.|Hop in. {10848}{10878}Cushy! {10882}{11005}They're trying to shut us down. They|say we're contaminating the planet. {11010}{11117}-Well, nobody's perfect.|-Can't they just get off our backs? {11122}{11209}If I was governor,|I'd do things a lot differently. {11214}{11289}You know how much|it costs to run for office? {11293}{11388}-More than any honest man can afford!|-I bet you could. {11393}{11475}Don't get me wrong.|You're an honest man. {11480}{11557}I just meant you could afford|to run for governor. {11562}{11677}I'm just rambling because you keep|staring at me, but it's true. {11682}{11761}If you were governor,|you could decide what's safe. {11765}{11884}-Where are we going, sir?|-To create a new and better world. {11888}{11977}If it's on the way,|could you drop me at my house? {12076}{12170}-He's got my vote.|-Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family. {12175}{12289}Mary Bailey won't fire me if I don't|vote for her. I'm for Burns! {12292}{12385}A political discussion at our table.|I feel like a Kennedy! {12390}{12512}I don't see how that despicable man|has a chance against Mary Bailey... {12517}{12591}...our state's most beloved governor. {12596}{12661}Now, here's the problem as I see it. {12664}{12724}While Bailey is beloved by all... {12729}{12827}...98 percent of the voters|rate you as despicable or worse. {12832}{12913}So we got the finest campaign team|money can buy. {12917}{13009}This is your speech writer,|joke writer, spin doctor... {13013}{13066}...makeup man and personal trainer. {13071}{13175}Their job: to turn this Mr. Burns,|into this. {13179}{13236}Why are my teeth showing like that? {13240}{13329}-Because you're smiling!|-Excellent! {13332}{13408}This is the kind of trickery|I'm paying you for. {13412}{13498}How do we turn Joe Six-pack|against Mary Bailey? {13503}{13612}With this team.|Your muckraker, character assassin... {13617}{13677}-...mudslinger, garbologist.|-Hello. {13683}{13824}Their job is to turn Mary Bailey|from this, into this. {13829}{13884}Visual aids help so much. Thanks. {13888}{13999}But first there's a burning issue that|we need to neutralize. {14040}{14087}I hate that fish! {14091}{14179}Thank you for watching|Movie for a Dreary Afternoon. {14183}{14292}Next, a political announcement|from the friends of Montgomery Burns. {14297}{14349}-Burns? Change it.|-You do it. {14355}{14389}I did it last week. {14394}{14483}Fine. Be a jerk.|We'll just sit here and watch it. {14488}{14618}Oh, no! An election? That's when|they close the bars, isn't it? {14623}{14654}Sorry, Barney. {14659}{14729}I wonder if he'll|talk about that fish. {14734}{14848}Oh, Marge. I bet before the papers|blew this out of proportion... {14852}{14933}...you didn't even know|how many eyes a fish had. {14939}{15006}-Thirty seconds.|-Remember to smile. {15011}{15098}-I am smiling.|-You'll have to do better than that. {15125}{15176}-How's this?|-There you go! {15181}{15267}-I'll be sore tomorrow.|-We've done all we can. {15272}{15319}-The rest is up to you.|-Don't worry. {15325}{15375}When this announcement's done... {15381}{15504}...every Johnny Lunch-pail in this|state will be eating out of my hand. {15509}{15605}Hello, friends. I'm Montgomery|Burns, your next governor. {15609}{15696}I'm here to talk to you|about my little friend Blinky. {15715}{15782}Many of you think he's a|a hideous mutation. {15787}{15877}That simply isn't true.|Don't take my word for it. {15882}{15963}Let's ask an actor portraying|Charles Darwin. {15967}{16027}-Hello.|-Hello, Charles. {16030}{16112}Tell them about|your theory of natural selection. {16117}{16233}Glad to. Every so often, Mother|Nature changes her animals... {16238}{16329}...giving them bigger teeth,|sharper claws, longer legs... {16334}{16384}...or in this case, a third eye. {16388}{16450}If these changes|are an improvement... {16455}{16567}...the new animals thrive and multiply|and spread across the earth. {16570}{16659}So this fish might|have an advantage over other fish. {16663}{16717}It may be a kind of super-fish. {16721}{16793}I wouldn't mind a third eye,|would you? {16797}{16843}No. You see, friends... {16846}{16939}...if our antinuclear naysayers|and choose-upsiders... {16942}{17033}...came upon an elephant|next to our power plant... {17037}{17154}...they'd probably blame his ridiculous|nose on the nuclear bogeyman. {17158}{17296}This fish is a miracle of nature,|with a taste that can't be beat. {17301}{17447}So say what you want about me,|I can take the slings and arrows. {17451}{17613}But stop slandering poor, defenseless|Blinky. Good night and God bless. {17633}{17787}Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote|For Monty Burns {17799}{17838}Wow! Super-fish! {17843}{17910}I wish the government|would get off his back. {17915}{18031}That Burns is just what this state|needs, young blood! {18036}{18101}I hope we can count|on your support. {18106}{18235}-Homer, I'm a Bailey booster.|-Oh, yeah? Well, I'm a Burns booster. {18240}{18348}Congratulations, Mr. Burns,|the polls show you're up six points. {18352}{18432}-Giving me a total of?|-Six. We're on our way. {18445}{18593}My worthy opponent seems to think|that the voters are gullible fools. {18598}{18688}I'll rely on their intelligence|and good judgment. {18692}{18731}Interesting. Good luck. {18738}{18788}And I say taxes are too high! {19410}{19472}Have you found any dirt|on Mary Bailey? {19477}{19537}-We went through her trash.|-Talked to her maid. {19541}{19635}The only dirt we've got|is from a guy who dated her at 16. {19639}{19690}-And?|-He felt her up. {19695}{19731}Not good enough! {19735}{19855}We're gonna send a message|to those bureaucrats... {19857}{19932}...down there in the state capital! {19968}{20066}-Is your boss governor yet?|-Not yet, son. Not yet. {20108}{20185}-The voters see you as godlike.|-Hot dog! {20191}{20293}But the downside is you're losing|touch with the common man. {20299}{20408}-Oh, dear! Heaven forefend!|-So the night before the election... {20410}{20510}...we want you to eat at the|home of one of your workers. {20513}{20638}I see. Every Joe Meatball and Sally|Housecoat in this godforsaken state... {20642}{20723}...will see me chow down|with Eddie Punchclock. {20728}{20783}The media will have a field day. {20788}{20896}The only question is, can we find|someone common enough? {21116}{21207}Well, I knew there|would be sacrifices. {21422}{21551}Great toast, Marge! Oh, by the way,|the night before the election... {21556}{21620}-...Mr. Burns is coming to dinner.|-What!? {21625}{21717}-And some camera crews.|-Cool, man! A media circus! {21721}{21781}-Absolutely not!|-Come on, Marge! {21787}{21857}I'm ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey. {21887}{21976}Kids, please leave.|I don't want you to see this. {22009}{22074}Please, please, please, please! {22141}{22242}We'd like one of the children|to ask a question. {22247}{22295}Can you memorize this? {22302}{22403}"Your campaign's moving|like a runaway freight train. {22408}{22480}-Why are you so popular?"|-Very good. {22484}{22590}Can I ask him to assuage my fears|that he's contaminating the planet... {22594}{22644}...and making it uninhabitable? {22649}{22752}-The card question's fine.|-I think her question is valid-- {22762}{22880}Don't worry. I'm sure she'll be able|to memorize it by tomorrow. {22884}{22997}Finally, Mr. Burns wants you to appear|very affectionate to him... {23000}{23069}...but remember,|he hates being touched. {23231}{23317}-Marge, get back in bed.|-No, I'm fine right here. {23322}{23406}-I just wanna snuggle.|-I don't feel like snuggling. {23412}{23505}-What's that got to do with it?|-You don't let me express myself. {23510}{23638}You express yourself in the home|you keep and the food you serve. {23665}{23755}Okay, Homer.|Fair enough. You got it. {23760}{23895}All right. Good. That's how I'm going|to express myself. Good night. {24197}{24304}-Well, what do we think?|-Hey! Hello, handsome! {24309}{24345}Get that off his face. {24349}{24436}We're eating with the common|man, not Tyrone Power. {24442}{24531}Latest polls are in.|It's dead even: 50-50. {24535}{24595}This stunt will put us over the top. {24667}{24700}He's here! {24785}{24882}Hello, Homer.|Marge, you look dazzling! {24887}{24951}And look, I've brought noodle kugel. {25042}{25164}You bad dog! Bad neighbor dog!|Here, let me help you up. {25209}{25260}I love dogs. Babies too. {25341}{25415}-Kitty, kitty.|-Are you all right, Mr. Burns? {25420}{25546}Of course. A little roughhousing with|the pets is good for the appetite. {25662}{25749}The way you handled the pets|put you over the top. {25752}{25863}You're ahead 5 1 to 49.|Congratulations, Mr. Governor. {25867}{25942}-Excellent.|-Bart, would you say grace? {25947}{26050}God, we paid for all this ourselves,|so thanks for nothing. {26105}{26180}Only a child could get away|with such blasphemy. {26185}{26244}God bless them all. Amen. {26282}{26317}He's smokin'. {26386}{26551}You know, Mr. Burns, my family|and I feel that taxes are too high. {26570}{26644}Where do you stand on this|controversial issue? {26648}{26768}I didn't realize this was going to|turn into a charged political debate. {26772}{26871}-I was only reading--|-I agree. If I am elected governor... {26875}{27003}...I'll lower taxes whether bureaucrats|in the state capital like it or not! {27008}{27097}Lisa, do you have a question|for Uncle Montgomery? {27102}{27156}Yes, sir. A very inane one. {27192}{27301}Your campaign's moving|like a runaway freight train. {27307}{27415}-Why are you so popular?|-A tough question, but a fair one. {27418}{27532}There's no single answer.|Some voters respond to my integrity... {27536}{27674}...others to my incorruptibility|and determination to lower taxes... {27678}{27771}...and the bureaucrats can put that|in their pipes and smoke it! {27783}{27892}-Oh, Mom, that felt awful.|-I'm sorry. It will all be over soon. {27897}{27957}But we've become the tools of evil. {27962}{28014}You're learning lessons tonight... {28017}{28137}...and one of them is to give|your mother the benefit of the doubt. {28142}{28204}--or even a square deal. {28209}{28258}Smells delightful. {28417}{28505}-All right! Three-eyed fish!|-Can I have your plate? {29262}{29326}-I don't believe it!|-He's blown it! {29350}{29400}Ruined before it hit the ground. {29405}{29505}Here's your headline,|"Burns Can't Swallow Own Story." {29508}{29637}Burns' popularity has plummeted to|earth like so much half-chewed fish. {29640}{29715}You must have a few tricks|left up your sleeve. {29718}{29773}Make coffee.|We're not licked yet. {29777}{29857}-Yes, we are. Come on.|-Wait! Come back! {29862}{29976}You can't do this to me!|I'm Charles Montgomery Burns! {30212}{30278}-Smithers, tip over this table.|-Yes, sir. {30335}{30380}Make them stop. {30386}{30433}Mr. Burns.... {30439}{30500}Shut up and wreck something! {30505}{30629}I hardly see what destroying our|meager possessions will accomplish. {30634}{30773}She's right. Take me home, Smithers.|We'll destroy something tasteful. {30835}{30938}Ironic. This anonymous clan|of slack-jawed troglodytes... {30943}{31028}...cost me the election,|but if I had them killed... {31033}{31117}...I'd be the one to go to jail.|That's democracy. {31122}{31172}You're poetic in defeat, sir. {31177}{31275}Simpson, I shall make it the focus|of my remaining years... {31280}{31352}...that your dreams|will go unfulfilled. {31358}{31407}You're busted, Dad. {31420}{31538}My dreams will go unfulfilled?|I don't like the sound of that. {31543}{31659}That means I have nothing to hope for.|Marge, can't you make it better? {31663}{31768}When a man's biggest dreams|include seconds on dessert... {31773}{31870}...occasional snuggling|and sleeping in on weekends... {31875}{31934}...no one man can destroy them. {31939}{31987}Hey, you did it!