All language subtitles for Jeff Dunham Controlled Chaos (2011)-

FetallicA

I can't believe the show starts
in half an hour

and Achmed's late.

Maybe he drowned trying

to visit Bin Laden's grave.

Security.

That's my name.

Don't wear it out.

Bubba J?

Yeah. Well, gotta go.
Beer break.

Wait. Achmed's late.
Keep an eye out for him.

Which eye?

Where could he be?

He went from dead terrorist

to Hollywood diva.

I'm telling you,

the fame went to his skull.

Achmed? No way.

Huh?

Ah.

Achmed's here.

I'll go park his car,
since there's

no law against drunk parking.

Thanks, Bubba J.
Good job.

Whoa. Is that a hybrid?

It's the AchmedMobile,
you idiot.

Just be careful parking it
or I keel you.

Didn't hurt.

And whatever you do,

don't touch the red button.

Got it. Touch the red button.

Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage,

Jeff Dunham!

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Ladi and gentlemen,
it's absolutely great to be here

in lovely Richmond, Virginia.

And, you know, we--

I've been doing this show
all over the country,

just having a blast
here, there and everywhere.

The fans are great.

But we've also been taking
my show around the world.

We've been doing shows
in South Africa, Australia,

three tours of Europe
and the U.K.

Now they're talking
about taking me to China.

Wha-What?

How am I going to do
my show in China?

All I know is, if I do
do my show in China,

there's a big chunk of my act
I'm going to have to leave out.77

You'll recognize it when I do it
here this evening.

But it is interesting going to
some of these foreign countries

and doing press interviews,
because some of the reporters

have done their
homework and care,

others just don't.

For example, I was in London
talking to a guy

and he was like,

All right, so ventriloquism--

have you eliminated every other
possibility of employment?

And I have to go, -No, this is
what I've done my entire life.-

I've never wanted to do
anything else.

I started very young.

I was eight years old,
I was in the third grade,

Christmas, 1970.

Got my first dummy.

There's Mom and Dad and me
under the tree right there.

You can see how
proud my father is.

But for years
I'd look at that picture

and I'd think, why does he have
that expression on his face?

And then if finally hit me, duh,
look where the dummy's hand is.

So...

Yeah, that's creepy.

So I started doing shows
very early.

All the way through
elementary school, junior high,

high school, college.

And this is what I wanted to do.

This was the future I saw.

I saw it.

There were a few people
that didn't see it.

For example, girlfriends.

They'd realize I was sincere

about wanting to talk
to dummies the rest of my life

and they would dump me
immediately.

I couldn't see what they saw
until a few months ago.

I was sitting down
with my three daughters,

and we were looking
at the yearbooks

from my junior high
and high school years.

My daughters were horrified.

Why? Let me explain.

I started getting paid for doing
my shows in the seventh grade.

And I knew
that if I was going to be

a professional ventriloquist,
I needed a professional photo.

Now, my parents were supportive,

but they weren't going
to shell out the cash for that.

So I thought, how am I going
to get a professional picture

of me and the dummy taken?

And then it finally hit me--
school picture day.

Don't believe me? There's
seventh grade right there.

There it is.

Look at that. That is
Justin Bieber hair, damn it.

So ninth grade came along and
I decided to do the same thing.

This was the bicentennial year
in our country-- 1976.

I was a patriotic lad,

but I didn't want to dress
like Uncle Sam.

No, apparently I wanted
to dress like

a Fourth of July
picnic table cover.

You know, the funniest thing
to me

about that photo is the fact
that I have braces.

Why is that funny?
Well, the rest of my life

I'm going to be talking
with my mouth shut,

so what's the point?

I know most of you look
at these photos and think,

this is the saddest human being
we've ever met.

Did he have any friends?

Yes, I did.

Here we are sitting
in my bedroom one day.

So now I had about 15 minutes
in my show.

I knew I wanted to add
something else-- some variety.

I thought, music? Yes.
Something cool.

Rock and roll guitar?

No, something cooler.
I'll play the trombone.

There is so much wrong here,
ladies and gentlemen.

Let's start
with the least obvious,

and that's my dummy
up in the corner

listening to me play
the trombone, but...

Now let's talk
about fashion, shall we?

How did my mother even let me
out of the house?

And this wasn't some accident
on a Saturday morning

where I accidentally threw on
the wrong clothes.

This was an outfit I wore
to school regularly.

I don't know why I didn't get
beat up on a regular basis.

I must have gone to the store
and said,

-Do you have any pants that
don't even go with themselves?-

This next photograph--

I don't remember
how it happened.

All I know is that we went to
the professional portrait studio

and this was the family portrait
that hung in our living room

this big, for years.

You know, maybe... (laughing)

And the weird part is my parents
had family and friends over

for parties a lot.

And this was hanging right there
in plain view.

No one ever said anything.

They must have thought,
-Well, the food's good.

Let's go to the mentally
ill people's house.-

And now it's time
to move on to college

and the intellectual years.

I don't even,
I don't even know why.

You know, the photographer
should have

just fallen over laughing.
I don't...

I looked like Sherlock Holmes
with a dummy.

I don't know what that is.

You know, I love my parents
very much,

and they have been married
for 56 years now.

(audience cheering)

And they are a perfect example
of how a marriage can work.

On the other hand, I've recently
gone through something

that I never thought I'd go
through, never considered it,

never even thought it
a possibility.

I'm recently divorced.

I'm a single father now,

but I always try and look
for the silver lining

in the dark clouds, and one
of the silver linings

about getting divorced is that
I got to pick out my own house

because someone else has
the other house now.

As for my act,
there's an old guy,

who long before I got married,
warned me of the institution.

And now I guess he can say,
"I told you so."

Ladies and gentlemen,

please help me welcome
my oldriend Walter.

(audience cheering)

Holy crap, will you shut
the hell up?!

You, too.

Are you all right?

No!
What's wrong?

I'm pissed.

Why?
I have no idea.

Well, have you ever
thought about being happy?

Yeah.
What happened?

It pissed me off.

What would happen
if you were happy?

Your show would suck.

You know, Walter,
just once

I think you should
try being happy.

See? What the hell
is wrong with you?

When I call you
an idiot, and you smile,

like I gave you cake.

Do you want to be
in a good mood?

Not if I'd look like a moron
like you, no, thank you.

I've seen you walk by
perfect strangers

and go, "Oh, hello.
How are you?

Hoo-hoo-hoo!"

So?

That makes mothers hide
their children from you.

You don't think
I should be nice
to strangers?

You know, even dogs
sniff (bleep) first.

Well, I'm just happy
to be here tonight.

Not in the winter. Holy crap.

I don't know.
I hate being cold.

I even got cold
in Vegas last week.

Oh, Vegas, yeah. You
took your wife there.

Oh, yeah.
You know, Vegas
has become

a great vacation
spot for families.

Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.

That makes sense.
Take the family to Vegas.

Yeah.

'Cause kids love whores.

-Look, Mommy,
there's a place with poles

like where you used to work.-

So, Walter, you been
doing anything fun

since we got here?

Uh, yeah. What did I do today?

I did something fun.
What?

I signed up Achmed
to be an organ donor.

Oh, that's funny
as hell right there.

I'm getting sick
of that guy.

I think all this fame
is going to his head.
Why?

He's been doing all
the typical Hollywood stuff.

Like what?
He's been dating
a goat half his age.

Oh, yeah, an actual goat.

He even got her fake teats.

Oh, yeah, all six of 'em.

Walter, a goat
only has two.

How sick is it that you
actually know that?

What, are you so lonely now,

you're checking out
barnyard animals?

You know, they're
called "petting zoos,

not "heavy petting zoos.

Come on.
What's her name?

Ma-a-argaret.
Will you...?!

Can we change the subject?

Sur-ur-ure.

I'll change the subject,
all right.

I heard you talking
about something

you hadn't really discussed
onstage yet.

Right.
Okay.

So you're talking
about the divorce now.
Yeah.

All those years
of being married,

and now it's over.

Yeah.

So, all those years
of raising the girls,

and now the family's
broken up.

Right.

So, no more marriage?
Nope.

No more wife.
No.

What's it like?!

Oh, please let me live
vicariously through you!

Walter, divorce is
not a good thing.

Oh, you can't lie
to me,

So what happened?

What happened, Walter,
is that, unfortunately,

in our country these days,

more than 50% of marriages
now end in divorce,

and sadly, mine
was on that side
of things.

You know, Jeff, I never thought

I'd say this to you,
but you're my hero!

Come on.
What's it like

to wake up in the morning
and not hate your life?

To not think,
-Uh-oh, here she comes!-

Ugh!

You can leave your toilet
seat up all the time!

I'd hot-glue mine open,
for God's sakes...

and then
in the backyard.

Just because I could.

Walter, divorce
is painful.

Oh, yeah, like
a deep-tissue massage.

So how long's it been?

Almost three years now.

Oh, okay. So, you
dating anybody now?

Matter of fact, I am.

Oh, good. Female?

Well, you never know.

Sometimes that's the problem.

-Honey, I got bad news
and I got good news.

-Bad news is,
I want a divorce.

Good news is, I'm
on your team now!-

Come on, let's knit, Mitch!

So this girl you're dating,
is she the same age as you?

No.
Oh. So she's older.

No.
Younger.

Yes.
How much younger?

It doesn't matter.
Yes, it does.

Come on. Does she
have nice boobs?

That don't hang down
past her knees?

Do your boobs hang low,
do they wobble to and fro?

Can you tie 'em in a knot?

Can you tie 'em in a bow?

Can you throw 'em
o'er your shoulder

Like a Continental soldier?

Do your...
All right!

Where do you hear
a song like that?

I didn't hear it,
I wrote it, dumb(bleep).

Bet you never sung
it to your wife.

Every morning!

That's not funny.

Oh, even the dog
laughs at that.

That last part was me.
I know.

You know, I saw an old photo
of you and your wife.

Your wife's quite beautiful.

You saw an old photo.

Yeah, I'm kidding, I know.

I married a petite,
young, beautiful thing.

Yeah.
She was eventually eaten

by the woman I live with now.

Hey, hey, hey!

You're just flat-out saying
your wife's overweight.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

She's under-tall.

Have you ever had
a weight problem?

Only when she sat on me.
Will you...?

Aah!

Get off of me!

Actually, it's more like this:

(imitating an echo)
Hello? ...o...o...o...

It's dark in here!
...here...ere...ere...

I found your keys!
...keys...keys...keys...

I am not kidding.

Then she farted and
unlocked the car doors.

What does your wife think
when you do things like this?

I don't care.

Well, I know you care
enough about your wife

to take her on some
of these trips.
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she loves
going on these trips.

I know she loves
window shopping.

Not in Amsterdam, she didn't.

Ha! Because in Amsterdam,

there's hookers in the windows!

I love that city. Did you
know that in Amsterdam,

you can legally
purchase marijuana?

I, uh... yeah...

I did know that.

Do you know where?
Coffeehouses.

Coffeehouses!

It's my favorite
coffee place ever!

I'd like a latte and a doobie.

And 19 dozen donuts,
thank you.

Not long after that,
we went to the UK.

You enjoyed it there.
Yeah.

Did you like the
city of London?

I don't know,
I got confused one day

standing in our hotel lobby.
Why?

Some big old black guy
walked in to me

and started speaking English
with a British accent.

I thought I was in
the Twilight Zone.

I swear, some big old black guy
walks up to me and goes,

(posh British accent):
-Oh, good afternoon, sir!-

I'm like, who the hell is making
you talk? What the hell?

Then we went to Ireland.

I got all confused there.
Why?

Everybody's last name
starts with -O.-

O'Malley, O'Shea.

I think I know
a black Irish guy.
Who's that?

O'Bama.

I don't think Obama's Irish.

Maybe he's half-Irish,
half-African American.

I can't wait to meet him.

I'm going to walk up and go,

-Hey, top of the morning
to you there, dawg.-

-How's your health care
hangin', yo-yo?-

-Hey, that last election
was a bee-yotch.-

Say good night, Walter.
Thank you.

That's Walter.
There we go.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

there is a terrorist
amongst us.

And I don't know
how it's gotten to the point

that I can actually give this
introduction, but here it is.

Please help me welcome

the most beloved terrorist
throughout the world--

Achmed the dead terrorist.

Greetings, infidels!

And for the folks who
might not know, Achmed,

you are a suicide bomber.

Yes, I am.

Don't stand too close.

And I think a lot of us
might like to know

how you feel about
the death of Osama.

I didn't do it.

(laughter)

I didn't say you did.

Oh, right.
Yeah, uh-huh.

All right, yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute.

Did you have something
to do with it?

Yeah... No!

Yes... No, no, no... no!

That Navy SEAL training
was just for laughs.

Wait a minute, you
trained as a Navy SEAL?

No... Ye... No! No!

How did you know?

Who said anything
about Navy SEALS?

I'm just a simple
little terrorist.

Stop interrogating me!
Damn it, you're good at this!

You're not going to tell
anyone, right?

Tell them what?

Oh, thank you.

I will tell you what
I do know, though.

What's that?

When Bin Laden died,

there were no 72 virgins
waiting for him.

No?

No. It was some kind
of misunderstanding.

Turned out, it was one
72-year-old virgin.

Osama is stuck forever
with Bea Arthur.

And Osama and I agree that
that 72 virgin thing

is highly overrated.

How's that?

Who wants to hear
this 72 times?

-Ooh, ow, oh! Boo-hoo-hoo!

You're gonna call me, right?-

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. You
communicate with Osama?

Of course.
How?

On Face-Shot-Off-Book.

So...

So, where... where
exactly is he?

Well, he won't say, but
I'm pretty sure it's Hell.

Why do you say that?

Well, they get cable,
but they only get one channel.

What?
The Oprah Winfrey Network.

Wait a minute.

Come on, Achmed, a lot of people

love Oprah.

Were you ever
on her show?

No.
She doesn't love you.

And also I know why

they would not show
the photo of dead Osama.

Why is that?

It's a little
hard to explain,

but when he was killed,
he was dressed up like Cher.

Well, since he's dead,

do you think they're going
to come after you now?

Wait, what?

Well, you're
a terrorist.

Yeah, but I suck at it.

You know, the military
has the deck of cards

of the 52
most wanted terrorists.

Are you one
of those?

Yeah, but I'm in
the Go-Fish deck.

Well, what did you think
about them burying him at sea?

I think it's cool

that he could
end up anywhere.

What do you mean?

That is one episode
of SpongeBob I got to see.

I wrote that. I keel me.

Achmed, since you're
clearly a terrorist,

are you Muslim?

No. Scientologist.

But you used
to be Muslim?

No. Look at me.

I'm too extreme.

I was Catholic.

Really?

And Methodist...
What?

Buddhist...
What?

And Baptist...
What?

And Capricorn.
Wait a minute.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to offend
as many infidels as possible.

And speaking of offending,

do you know what that
idiot Peanut did to me?

What?

He stole my ShamWow.

It's not funny!

Silence!

Wait for it.

I keel you!

That's fantastic.

Let's do it together.
One, two, three...

ALL:
I keel you!

They're talking to you.

So, Achmed, are you
enjoying Richmond?

Oh, I love the nightlife here.

Uh, what part of
the nightlife?

They have live sex shows.

Really? Where?

In the hotel room
right next to mine.

What?

That's my room.

Next time you should
get a partner.

Can we talk about
something else?

I'm trying to throw up,

but I don't have a stomach.

So, look,
Walter and I

were talking earlier,

and you've gotten
pretty famous now
lately, haven't you?

Oh, yes.

And I think very soon,

I'm going to need
my own posse.

That's with an -O.-

Po-o-o-sse.

P-P-oo...

..osse.

Posse.

Why are you explaining that?

In Amsterdam, they thought
I said something else.

I don't even like cats.

How am I doing that
with no lips?

That's what she said.

I can't believe you did that.

That's what she said.

Will you stop it?

That's what she said!

I don't like this.

That's what she said!

How long is this?

That's what she said!

Think about it.

So you were talking
to Walter earlier?

Damn it!

Yes, and I said,

-I'm going to call
you my bee-yotch.-

That means -bitch.-

I know that.

I'm sorry.

I'd been watching
Pimp My Camel.

eem like you've been
in a pretty good mood lately.

Do you know why?

No.
Because like
Santa Claus,

I have been making
a list of people

to kill twice.

Santa doesn't kill people.

He does if he's
Terror Claus.

Terror Claus?
I've never heard of him.

Oh...

He kills you
when you're sleeping

He chokes you when you wake

He knows if you are Catholic
or Jew

So denounce
your infidel faith.

That's terrible.

But catchy!

Have you heard
of the Terror Bunny?

No.
He hides Easter bombs.

Look, Mommy.

That's even worse.

I know.
Thank you for noticing.

What do you want,
more stinking knock-knock jokes?

That might be better.

Okay. Knock-knock.
Who's there?

Me. I keel you again.

You're such an idiot.

You keep answering
the door!

Where I am from,

the game we teach
our children is,

when someone says,
-Knock-knock,-

you shut (bleep)
and hide.

So, Achmed, did your
parents have much

to do with what you do now?

Well, uh, I guess so.

My father was
a suicide bomber.

Oh, so you guys
are a lot alike?

Well, I have his eyes.

In a box.

And I like to hide them
wherever Walter is sleeping.

That way, when
he wakes up,

it scares
the crap out of him.

You son of a bitch,

I'll kick your
ass right now!

Is that case locked
from the outside?

Yeah. Why?

'Cause he still scares
the crap out of me!

So, Achmed,
do you have

any good memories
of your father?

Uh, for my eighth
birthday,

he got me a puppy.
That's good.

No, it turned into a disaster.
Why?

Because sometimes my father was

a very confused man,

and that day
my mother told him

to go outside and blow up
some party balloons.
Yeah?

And that's how I got
a dog with no legs.

You had a dog
with no legs?

Yeah, he was great.

I had him
for many years.

Oh. So what'd
you call him?

Seriously?

Seriously.

What?

I had a dog with no legs.

What did you call him?

Seriously?

Okay, you're
a comedian, right?

Yeah.

I had a dog

with no legs.

Ask me again.

What'd you call him?

I didn't call him anything
because he could never come.

It's not funny!

Achmed, that's, that's, like,
the oldest joke ever.

Yes, but in my case,
it was true.

Aw...

Thanks.

Could he do
any tricks?

He could roll over.

It not funny because if there
is any kind of an incline,

he couldn't stop himself!

He looked like a runaway
can of pinto beans

rolling down a hill.

It was the only time
I ever saw a cat
actually laugh.

Meow.

Meow. Meow.

Mw.
Meow.

What was that?

I killed
the cat.

So, Achmed, when did
you know you wanted

to be a suicide bomber?

After talking
to my guidance counselor.

Your guidance counselor?

In high school.
High school?

Al Qaeda High.

Al Qaeda High?

Oh...

All hail
to the Al Qaeda High

We blow up,
then we die.

Everybody!

Wait, wait, wait. This is
your high school?

Who was your mascot?

The next guy
on the list.

Oh, it was, like,

Go, team!

Next.

So how were
the cheerleaders
at your school?

Oh, we didn't even
have girls.

No girls?

No. But for some reason,
we had a girls' restroom.

I see.

And one day, Omar and I
snuck in there to explore.

The girls' restroom?
Uh-huh.

And what'd you find?

A couple of strange
and wonderful things.

Like what?

Well, we found a machine.

And if you put
two shekels in it,

a small missile would come out.

A missile?
Well, I think it was.

It had a little white fuse.

And it must have been
a very special missile,

because it was lightly scented.

And then you could put two
shekels in the other machine

and get the bonus
accuracy package.

What?
It had wings.

And you used these missiles?

With confidence.

Really?
Always.

Achmed, I've never heard of
anything like this before.

Ooh, do not lie to me, infidel.

I've been to your house,

I've seen in your
cabinets and drawers,

many of these
missiles hidden away.

It looks as though you
are preparing for war.

Every four weeks, it feels
like that, I'd say so.

So your soldiers have
synchronized their time clocks.

You could say that.

Well, good luck in your
battles, my friend.
Thank you.

I fear there will
be much bloodshed.

What are the infidels
laughing at now?

I'll explain it
to you later.

I keel you!

, I have a surprise
to share with you tonight.

You're going in the closet?

No, and by the way, the, the,

the phrase is -coming
out of the closet.-

Oh, congratulations!

No, I'm not coming
out of the closet.

You're going to continue
to hide the truth?

I'm not hiding in anything.

So everyone knows now?
Congratulations!

Achmed, I have a girlfriend.

(gasps)
Does she know?

Maybe she will
like this one guy.

There is no one guy.

Then there are many guys?

You are a whore.

Now, you should be stoned.

Achmed...
What would your
mother say?

I'm not a whore.

Of course your mother would
say she's not a whore.

I'm straight.

Straight, crooked,
we do not need

to know such graphic details.

I mean, I have a girlfriend.

Not for long.

Not when she finds out
about your many boyfriends.

Whore!

Will you please listen
to what I'm saying?

I do not talk to whores.

You are dead to me.

You're dead to all of us.

So, Achmed...
I'm not listening!

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!

Achmed, there's someone here
I want you to meet.

One of your whore boyfriends?

I think not!

No, I think this is someone
you would like to see.

Is it a woman?

No.

I already have a goat.

This is a surprise guest.

Ryan Seacrest?

Nope.
Damn it!

Look. What I want you to
do is, I just want you

to look over there while
I'm getting him out,

so you won't peek.
Okay.

Just look over there.
O... wait a minute.

When I'm not looking,
are you going to keel me?

No.
That's actually a good way
of doing it, you know.

Kinda old-school,
but effective.

It's like "Hey, look at that!"
Aaah...

No, just look over there, and
don't look back until I say so.

Okay, whever. This is kind
of like Christmas, huh?
Yeah.

Just look over there.
Okay.

And don't peek.
Okay.

Right.
Not gonna peek.
Just stay over here.

Now?
No!

Okay!

Who the hell is that?

Hello, Father.

It's your son, Achmed Junior.

AJ?

That's right.

Wait... I thought
you were dead!

Surprise.

This is great.

Hey! What happened
to your face?

Oh, yeah.
My bad.

Achmed, he's your son.
Look at him. What do you see?

Well, he does have my eye.

Actually, I do. Yes, I do.

Why do you sound
like Elton John?

When you were separated
after the accident,

he was raised in England.

Did my mum miss me?

Uh... yeah. I don't know.
What the hell.

How do you not know?

Oops.

What's wrong
with your leg?

Nothing!

What's wrong
with my leg?

I don't know.

Can you fix this?
No, I don't think so.

Damn it.

Don't look at me.
Sorry.

Um, we're going to get
Marnel to help us.

What?
Marnel, he works for me.

I know Mar, Mar,
Marnel!

Come fix my leg!

Thanks.

He's kind of cute.

Okay, moving on!

Wait a minute. How do you
not know who his mother is?

I had 46 wives,
you idiot.

They all dressed the same,
and their faces were covered.

How'd you tell them apart?

The numbers on their backs.

That's terrible.

I know, Mother's Day
is a bitch.

And so are most
of the mothers.

That's not funny at all.

-Atall-?
Who is -Atall-?

Was she your mother?
I don't remember

a woman who was all
bulgy-eyed like you.

Bulgy-eyed?
Well, look at him.

Well, you're not
exactly squinting.

At least my face is balanced.

You manage to look asleep and
terrified all at the same time.

Achmed, he's your son.
Well, the apple

doesn't fall far
from the tree,

and apparently this one got
run over by a (bleep) lawnmower.

You caused the accident.

Accident? It was
a huge explosion,

with great fire
and destruction.

You didn't mean for
it to happen.
I did, too!

You did not!
No, li...
Oh, (bleep).

Marnel!

Son of a bitch!

Are you talking
to me now?

Fix it right, or
I kick your ass.

Marnel!

Come back!

My arm is stuck
in my pelvis, you (bleep).

He can fix my
pelvis anytime.

Shut up!
Okay, look.

Okay, look. So the explosion
you were talking about,

how did it happen?

Very precise and
careful planning.

Not exactly.
I said shut up!

What happened?
Nothing.

He was putting gasoline
in his scooter.

So why was there an explosion?

happens.

He was using his cell phone.

Really?
What?

While putting gas
in your scooter.

You know that's dangerous.

Well, it was your
mother who called.

Really?
I don't know.

What was her name?
42.

And you guys haven't had
any contact since?

Not much. He's a bad son.
I am not.

Tell him what you sent
me for my birthday.

It was an honest mistake.

What'd you send him?

He sent me a bottle
of skin lotion.

He made it worse.
What'd you do?

I sent him back
half a bottle.

You know, maybe you should
try and patch things up.

Looks like he needs more
than a (bleep) patch.

But I'm here
for a reason.

What, a skin graft?
Sorry, I'm all out.

Marnel!

Come fix my leg!

Get duct tape,
you

He actually brought duct tape.

He's kinky, too.

Shut up!

So, Achmed, do you know
why AJ is here?

Well... Wait a minute.

This isn't some crap about
owing child support, is it?

That bitch!

Whichever one she was.
No, that's not...

This is bad,

'cause I've seen the crap
that you're going through

and I don't know how you
can afford even a T-shirt.

Thank you.

Did I say that
just how you wrote it?

(laughter)

Yes. Thank you.

Okay. Good luck
with the judge.

I hope he's fair.

Actually the judge
is a woman.

You're .

Okay, listen, you...

Achmed, you're
getting hostile.

Of course I'm
getting hostile.

I'm a terrorist,
you idiot.

You piss me off,
I keel you.

Would that really
solve anything?

Pretty much, yeah,
I think it does.

Okay...

I have nothing
in common with
my own son.

Well, just talk to him.
How?

I don't know,
like you would anybody.

Okay, W.T.F.

O.M.G.

I mean O.M.A.

And you have no idea
why he's here?

To start his training
as a terrorist.
No, Father,

that's just it-- I don't want
to be a terrorist.

But I want you
to be just like me.

Well, I'm not,
and I won't be.

Achmed, can you accept that?

I guess I can try.

And, AJ, what if he
doesn't accept it?

I keel you.

That's my boy!

He's purple, he's wacky,
he's been around for a while.

Please help me welcome
my buddy Peanut!

How you doing, Peanut?

Doing pretty good.
How about you?
I'm fine.

That's good, that's good,
that's goo-ood.

Wow.
You like it here?

I love it here.

It's beautiful.
It's sold out.

The place is paid for.

We must be on
an Indian reservation.

And these are all Indians.

Look, Peanut, first of all,

the more politically
correct term these days
is Native American.

Oh, yeah.

I certainly wouldn't want
to piss 'em off.

They could try and scalp me,
but all they'd get

is a fishing lure.

I guess that is a little less
confusing of a term, though.

What?
Native American.

Why?
'Cause when you say Indian,

you don't know which one
the hell they're talking about.

What?
Is it the ones
that go...

Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya.

or the ones that go...

(Indian accent):
Thank you for calling
customer support.

But in this case, I'm talking
about the ones that go...

Hy-ya. hy-ya, hy-ya.

Hy-ya, hy-ya.

Hy-ya, hy-ya... how.

Do you know what
that chant means?

No, but I think it means,

I forgot the words,
hy-ya, hy-ya.

You know, we have plenty
of Native Americans
here this evening.

Oh, goody. Let's play craps.

What? They've got
the reservations
and the casinos

and making millions of dollars
every day hand over fist.

They're laughing
all the way to the bank.

Oh, that's what it is--
they're laughing.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

All right, Peanut, time
to introduce the next guy.

Oh, dude, does he have
to come out here?

Why not?

He's a talking jalape�o!

Go ahead.

On a stick-k!

So?

How random is that?

Well, Jos�, has been in
our act for years.

I know. And when
folks see us,

do you know when

they say the best
time to watch Jos� is?

When?
When they're drunk
off their asses.

In fact, isn't that how you came
up with him in the first place?

I don't know.

But I do know
that's when

I came up with you.

You jerk!

Just introduce him.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is
Jos� Jalape�o on a Stick!

Good evening, Jos�.

Hola, Se�or Jeff.

How are hue...?
Whoops.

What the hell
was that?

Were you trying
to say, -How are you?-

and it came out,
-Haa-a-ah?-

Why is that we speak perfectly
and you (bleep) up?

I don't know.

Would you like me
to help you?

I'm fine.
Come on.
Follow me

one word at a time.
No.

Come on.
Just do it.

Do it!

Okay.
Okay.

How...
How...

are...
are...

you-you?
you-you?

Good-good.
Good-good.

All right.
All right.

How are you, Jos�?

I don't know.
It took too long.

Actually, I'm
excited, se�or.

Why are you excited, Jos�?

Probably 'cause
you're holding
his stick.

Do you have
to do jokes like that?

It's just weird to me
that in front of everyone,

you're holding
Jos�'s stick-k.

Any suggestions?

You should at least

take him out to dinner first.

It's just a stick.

Maybe it's actually a handle.

A handle?

Yeah, you could use Jos�
as a weapon.

To hit with?
Yes!

I want to go back in the box.

No, this is awesome!
"What happened to Frank?"

-He got whacked
by a jalape�o.-

On a stick.
Yes!

Think about it.

You'd be wielding
a Mexican whacker.

On a stick.
Yes!

Look, you know how
Batman had his sidekick Robin

and one of their weapons
was a batarang?

Yes, of course.

Oh, dude.

What?

You just showed
your geek.

And it smells
like loser.

You're not
a loser, se�or.

Thank you, Jos�.

Suck-up.

Muppet reject.

Hey, he can drop you,

and then I'll throw down
a couple avocados.

and we got guacamole!

I could still burn your ass.

Good point.

All right.

Look...
Wait!

The Batman thing just made me
think of something.

What?
If this comedy business
doesn't work out for you,

Yeah?
you can be
a crime fighter.

A crime fighter?

Yes. You could be
Dunham Man...

with Jos�, your trusty
sidestick.

I see. So you're saying
I would be a superhero.

Mm, ...ish.

-Ish-? It this
like Jewish?

No, Jos�, you're not Jewish
'cause then you wouldn't be

Jos� Jalape�o.
You'd be Hymie Jalape�o.

On a Bagel.

Where would you
hold him, then?

In the hole.

I am not touching that.

No, you probably never have.

Okay.

This sucks!

So we're a crime-fighting
team, se�or?
Yes!

What kind of crime
do we fight?

Illegal aliens.

I think there's
a conflict of interest.

Look, so you find the illegals,
whack 'em on the head with Jos�,

and every time
Jos� hits someone,
he yells...

Ol�.
Yes!

Pretty cool, huh?

I guess so.

But, um, do I get
a costume?

What?

Anything from those
earlier photos.

I'd go with the
red shorts, se�or.

Yeah, then you'd be
Ugly-Ass Crackerman.

Okay, look, for this
crimefighting thing,

how's Jos� gonna dress?

Well, he needs
a disguise.

Is difficult to
hide a big stick.

I'm not saying
anything.

Of course not.
You're still holding it.

Jos�, I don't know how
you put up with this.

I have nowhere else
to go, se�or.
What?

He was evicted.

What?
Evicted.

Really?
Yep.
S�.

You were evicted?
S�.

Why didn't you come
to my house?

JOSE:
Ask Peanut.

Why didn't he come
to my house?

We told him you loved
eating Mexican food!

I was afraid for my life.

So where'd you take him?

Taco Bell!

That was really mean.

I know!

Hey, look. What about moving
all of Jos�'s stuff?

Achmed tried to
rent a truck.

No bueno.

So did Walter help?

He couldn't because
of his war injury.

Walter has a war injury?

Yeah, he strained his thumb
playing Call of Duty: Black Ops.

So you and Achmed
did everything.

Yep. Jos� didn't lift a finger.

'Cause he doesn't have any!

Hey, ever met Jos�'s sister?

Don't do it.
She's really hot.

I'm just kidding, Jos�.

I know. You're
more into fruit.

Hey!
Hang on, you guys.

No, you hang on.
What?

Why are you
laughing at him?

'Cause he's funny.

Oh, he is, is he?
I know what you're doing.

I'm not doing anything.

You're giving Jos�
the better insults.

I'm just listening.

Don't give me that crap.

We all know
this is all you.

If you get any closer, he's
going to whack you with me.

Whack.

Ol�!

And that's Jos� Jalapeno
on a Stick!

Hey.

Wait a minute!

I... I forgot to
tell Jos� something.

Open the box back up.

Immigration!

Stop it!

Well, he pissed me off.

Well, Peanut, it's about
time to end the evening.

No way!
What?

I got one more thing to do.
No, the show's about over.

No, it's not!
I got one more thing.
What?

Okay, look.
Just trust me on this.

I have a new hobby.

A new hobby?
Yes.

What is it?

I am now a ventriloquist, too.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

That was...
that was pretty good.

I know. Compared to me,

you suck.

Really?

Let me show you
how it's done.

Well, you need a dummy.
He's in the box.

You have a dummy?
Over here, se�or.

He's... in the box?
Yeah.

Right next to Jos�.

Can I get him out?
Yep.

Don't touch my stick.

Careful!

What?

He's really ugly.

He is ugly, se�or.

He is nasty-looking.

JOSE: He's so scary,
I wet my stick.

But he's right here.
He's the only
other guy in there,

check it out,
look, look, look!

All right, let's see
this, here we go...

I thought
you said he was ugly.

He is!

He looks a little like me.

No... he looks
a lot like you!

This isn't funny.

Then why is everyone
else laughing?

JOSE:
I laugh, too, se�or.

I laugh so hard
I crack my stick.

Do you know how to work this?
Of course I do.

You know there's a little
lever down there...

I know.
You grab onto the lever....

I know.
and you pull on it...

I know!
Now, do you have
a hold of the lever?

He's got a hold of something.

See, I can do this, too!

Fantastic.
How are you,
little ugly Jeff?

Not good.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.

You're going to
call him Ugly Jeff?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Little Ugly Jeff.

Is there any other name?

Uh, Little Ugly Ass Jeff?

I like that.

Me, too, senor.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Wait a minute.

I would prefer you didn't
use the word -ass.-

Oh, I didn't really.
It's all one word.

Little Ugly Ass Jeff.

Ass Jeff, Ass Jeff,
I am Ass Jeff.

See? It's good.

Bravo!
Gracias.
De nada.

This is ridiculous.

So, how are you,
Little Ugly Ass Jeff?

I'm sad, Handsome Peanut.

Wait, wait a minute.

Handsome Peanut?

Yes, Peanut is very handsome,
unlike you, Ugly Ass Jeff.

He is me.
Good point.

I hate my ugly-ass self.
All right.

He said he was sad.
I heard him.

Why are you sad,
Ass Jeff?

Because I'm a loser.

Yeah, that is sad.

And he's ugly.
And I'm ugly.

Thank you.
Is okay.

Will you stop this?

That's a shame,
Little Ugly Ass Jeff.

I have no idea how I
made it this far in life.

Me neither.
No one does.

I suck.
All right.

Maybe you can make up
for your loserness

by having a good personality.

No.
Doubtful.
No way.

I'm sorry.
Me, too.

Okay, look.

You guys really
think this is funny.

Oh, yes.
S�.
Definitely.

The truth hurts.
Okay.

I'll tell you what, Peanut,
you think that's funny?

I have something here
that you're going to like.

What?
Just trust me.

You're going to love this.

What the (bleep) is that?

Hi, look at me!
I'm a little idiot!

That is not funny.
Yes, it is!

No, it's not!
I think it is.

Me, too.
LOL.
Shut up!

I love the way you play
that Slingerland kit.

I like how you got
the tunings really open.

You're getting all that
ring, that resonance.

Oh, yeah. As much as I
can. I mean, that's just-

Warren fucking-
Warren fucking Haynes.

Warren fucking Haynes, dude.

You kind of got
the bottom thing going,

but I also see
- were you ever into Cozy Powell?

I kind of get...
Love Cozy Powell.

I get, like,
a Cozy Powell...

The Jeff Beck stuff
he did especially.

I remember hearing him
with Rainbow

when Dio was singing
with Rainbow.

Yeah. You know, Long
Live Rock 'n' Roll.

That was back when
I was kinda crazy,

playing a lot of kind of
more heavier music, you know?

Excuse me, Warren?
Yes, sir.

Hey, how you doing?
Hey, man, how you doing?

Steve Gordo Gordon
from Electric Apricot.

Nice to meet you Steve.
How do you do?

I'm doing pretty good.

I'm a big, big fan.

Well, thank you.

Hey, you gotta second?

Could ask you a couple
questions or something?

Sure, I got a second.

Phil Collins, I don't know
what happened to that guy.

I mean, he's such
a great drummer.

I don't know why
he started doing

all this cabaret,
Las Vegas-y thing.

Yeah, that's true.
Brand X, man.

Yeah.
That was a good band.

Yeah, I don't know
what happened.

He's got
cool hair, though.

Most people run their
pre-amp really hot,

and I don't run mine very hot.

Uh-huh.

So it gives it more
bottom-end at low pre-amp.

I-I see that, because you got
all the tone right there.

Thanks for taking some
time to talk to me.

Anytime.

I know you got a lot
of things to do, so...

It's quite all right.

Gordo? You said it's Gordo?

Gordo.

It's nice to meet you, Gordo.

Hey- Pleasure, pleasure.

My pleasure. Hey, do you
like to go to the zoo?

Do you go to the zoo?
I don't go often, but-

Do you like to feed
the ducks in the park?

Uh, you know, I'm not
a big duck-feeder.

I like ducks.

Yeah? I can see that.

Yeah, yeah.

You can screw my
girlfriend if you want to.

She's totally down, dude.

Yeah?

I probably would
feel too guilty.

I'm married and she's
your girlfriend, you know?

Oh, oh, okay.
All right.

But I appreciate the offer.

I mean, it's probably-
it's coming from your heart

He was okay.

He was kinda weird, you know?

He offered me to sleep
with his girlfriend.

Something about ducks
and feeding ducks and-

I don't know.

Maybe he was a little high
or something.

Okay, I just was
a fucking total dipshit.

I think you'reoverreacting.

Nah, dude.

I think you're
totally overreacting.

I'm not.

I was sitting there
telling him, dude,

he can sleep
with my girlfriend?

Well-

What the fuck is that, dude?

You don't even have
a girlfriend.

What the hell?

I'm trying to tell you, dude.

Where the fuck
is that coming from?

Oh, man. I don't think
it's as bad as you think.

No, it's the fucking
nightmare.

It's the worst thing in my
whole entire fucking life.

I got to meet Matt Abts. It's
supposed to be the best day ever.

Feed the ducks.

What are you
talking about, ducks?

I asked him if he wanted
to go feed the fucking ducks!

What does that mean?
I don't know.

He was walking away,
I wanted to talk to him.

I didn't know
what to fucking...

So you talked
to him about ducks?

I just- I don't get it.
I mean...

I don't know
what to say, dude.

I didn't know
what to say, I just...

Fucking, I turned
into a blithering idiot

ass-fucking-hole.

It just kind of tripped
him out a little bit

that he told me
he felt like he made

an ass of himself
in front of Warren.

I'm just a fucking asshole.

Fucking fuck.

Oh, fuck it.

It was going so smooth today
and then he's gotta trip out.

Well, I mean,
you know, who knows?

Who knows what'll happen.

Wow, wow, wow.

It's the old Cincinnati
dancing pig.

He's the barnyard Mr. Pig.

Is anybody up yet?

I mean, you know,
he always disappears, man.

He's just... I'm not
really tripping on it.

He did get pretty hammered,
I'll tell you that right now.

He was definitely-

Yeah, I haven't-
I don't know.

I haven't seen him
that lit in a while.

Well, he was all tripped out
because he went up to-

he went up to Warren Haynes

and just said
all this crazy shit.

But the camera guys said
that they stumbled across him

and he was passed out
and he was nude.

Hah, that's such...
That's Gordo.

It's cool, dude.
We got a lot of time.

He'll show up.
He always shows up.

I, uh... I think that
Festeroo is a festering...

not a disease-ridden
kangaroo,

but an ocean of creativity

and some of the Lord's
own jelly.

Check it, stop, rock

Everybody gonna move

Everybody, let's move

Everybody gonna move

Everybody, let's move

Ah, yes.

Ain't gonna stop

Ain't gonna quit

I've kind of evolved,
revolved, and dissolved

with the Grateful Dead.

And so, uh,
jam is my middle jelly.

You know, fun is fun
and we all know how he is,

but this is- this is...
this is kinda crazy, guys.

We might have to do it
without him, I hate to say it.

We're going to have
to do it without him.

What's the word, here?
You guys-

What's the word with you?

Nothing.

I goose-egged.
I haven't found a thing.

We're going to have
to play, man.

We're just going
to have to do it.

What do you think?
Should we, like-

Well, I think, you know...

Extended solos or should
you do your drum solos?

Hey, or I can do
a drum solo.

I can get bass solos, man.
I can do some stuff.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe this.

We're down to the wire.

This is it,
this is the wire.

All right, guys,
we gotta do it.

Coming out for you,
the seminal Jam band,

bursting onto
the Jam band scene,

enlightening the world
through music,

give it up for Electric
Apricot, everyone!

Get on your feet!

Get ready to dance!

A quarter of the Apricot
entity was not there.

Here we were
heading out on stage.

And we started getting into
some of the Burning Man,

the textures,
doing these textures,

you know?

The feeling you get,
you know,

just the energy that comes off
of that mass of humanity,

it's like, you know-

it's why I do what I do.

It's why I chose to be a
percussionist singer/songwriter,

whatever you want
to call it.

Next thing I know,
I look over and there he is,

kinda shambling out.

I was a little late.

I was working
some stuff out.

I knew, personally, that Gordo
was going to show up.

There's a place...

a wondrous,
magical place

where like-minded
individuals

come together on the playa.

This place,
this wondrous place,

is called...

Burning Man

Burning Man

I think the fans and our band
really connected today.

It felt really magical to me.

I don't know, it really
felt like we clicked.

I mean, it was like,
here's me, here's the band.

We kinda just came together.

Hey, are you going
to Burning Man?

Bury your toes
in the desert sand

Ain't no man for
to tell you how to be

Come on down with me
to Burning Man

I got a recipe
for cosmic flan

Strip off your clothes
and set your aura free

Gordo, today, played his
ass off, if I may say so.

He was singing something
electric with his guitar

that I hadn't- actually have
never ever seen before.

Come down with me
to Burning Man

Dangle your toes
in that desert sand

Ain't no man for
to tell you how to be

And by the man,
I mean the law.

Free people taking
Burning Man.

Amazing Larry's
got a masterplan.

It's all about

Just letting
myself be free

We went to a place that was
absolutely unbelievable.

People were staring at us,
they were staring at me.

Hey, touchdown, payday.

I don't want to say payday because that's
a little more of a capitalistic thing.

Hey, are you goin'
to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin'
to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin'
to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin'
to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin'
to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin'
to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin'
to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin'
to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin'
to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin'
to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin'
to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin' to-

Hey, are you goin'
to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin'
to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin'
to Burning Man?

Hey, are you goin'
to Burning Man?

How you doing?
How you feeling?

It was good.

Everyone played
really, really well.

I was really impressed.

Gordo was just amazing,
Lap was amazing,

Herschel, I mean-

I was proud to be
in this band today.

We came, we saw, we conquered.

Why not have a little fun?

I think from here onward
and upward for the Apricot.

I turned and looked
and there was Gordo, man.

You only rock Festeroo once,
you know what I'm saying?

Gordo, we were ready to go on
with a three-piece, man.

I want to propose a toast,
a toast to us at Festeroo.

Sweet!
Yeah, yeah!

Hip, hip, hooray!

What a day, man.
Festeroo.

We came, we saw,
we pulled it off somehow,

and, uh... yeah, wow.

My head's kinda spun
from the whole-

the whole thing, you know?

So what happened
to you, dude?

I was...
I was in the woods

and I was sleeping
and I was naked.

I was woken up
by this voice.

I looked up, you guys,
and Jerry was standing over me.

Jerry.

He came to me.

He's been so fixated
on Jerry Garcia

for so many years, I guess
it was bound to happen.

Whether or not
it's real or not...

I mean, he didn't
see Jerry Garcia.

He was probably
talking to a squirrel.

I think he wanted
to see Jerry Garcia.

And he's talking to me,
but his mouth isn't moving.

Jerry was?
With Jerry?

What the hell are
you talking about?

But, dude...

I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what.

I've never seen you play
like you played today.

I've never seen that.
That was incredible.

Yeah, dude,
you saved the show.

I really think you did.

We've been around the horn.

He was talking to me
through here and here.

Just the most spiritual thing
that ever happened to me

in my whole entire life, man.

There's a tray of special
brownies, if you know what I mean,

waiting for us in the rig,
if anybody wants them.

Oh, oh, oh!

The Cube... you know,
he's one of our biggest fans-

and he brought us
a tray of brownies.

You know,
those happy brownies.

Hey, our work is done.

Let's have a little fun!
So ready, man.

You guys better get in
while you fit in

because if I get that tray,
it's gonna be gone, man.

We have to get
out of here tonight

because we have
to get this RV back.

Otherwise we'll have to
pay another day rental.

Otherwise we'll have to
pay another day rental.

In the process of
documenting Electric Apricot,

our young filmmaker has caught
a glimpse of Enlightenment.

Oh, I got it.
I got it. We're cool.

Yeah, this is cool
right here.

So, what happened
to those brownies?

Gordo ate them.

Dude, he ate
all those brownies?

The true revelation
of Enlightenment

is the discovery that life
is a never-ending journey

to a destination that
is never actually reached.

Are you sure, man?

He's going to be
totally gone.

Yeah, he is gone.
He's passed out.

Unexpectedly,

while reaching
for Enlightenment,

the duality of existence
is unveiled.

He's going to have a very
special ride when he wakes up.

How you doing tonight, sir?

I'm doing all right, Officer.
Doing all right.

Where are you coming from?

We just came
from the Festeroo,

a festival down the road.

Sir, I am going
to have to ask you

to put that video camera
down, please.

Driver's license
and registration, please.

You know,
they're making a-

they're making a documen-

We just played the Festeroo
down the street.

Sir, please turn
that video camera off.

They're making
a documentary.

They're making
a documentary.

That's what
the cameras are for.

They're doing a
documentary on the band.

Driver's license and
registration, please.

We're a band from California.

What's going on?
We play on...

You mind if I come in there
and check it out?

Um...
Check out inside.

Turn that video camera off now.

What?

Man, I'm getting
out of here!

Get me outta here!

Gordo, stop, dude.
I said... God damn!

Get your hands off me.
Hey! Get over here!

It's cool man!

It's cool, man.
It's cool.

Hands behind your back.

It's cool. It's cool, man.

I can't...
I can't breathe.

Shut up and stay there.
I can't breathe!

l... Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry!

Gordo recently
started a website

dedicated to the notion
that Jerry Garcia

is still alive.

I don't put much stock
in this sort of thing,

but I did find something
pretty interesting.

I thought I just... one of
these pans I had backstage.

I'll scroll back here.

If you do
a frame-by-frame...

Look at that.

I'll do a zoom-in.

I mean, I don't know.

You tell me.

Hey, are you going
to Burning Man?

Bury your toes
in the desert sand

Ain't no man for
to tell you how to be

Come on down with me
to Burning Man

I got a recipe
for cosmic flan

Strip off your clothes
and set your aura free

There's a place I know
called Black Rock City

Where we're
about to get down

To the nitty gritty

We're all children
of the stars above

Searching for answers
and feasting on love

Hey, are you going
to Burning Man?

I got a big old slab
of veggie ham

Come to Camp Tesori
and to bring some soy

Cheese

Free-thinking people
at Burning Man

Amazing Larry's
got the masterplan

It's all about just
letting myself be me

Me

There's a gal I know
called Moonstone Annie

She blows flames
right out of her fanny

Ya ought to see her
walking on the tight wire

Jugglin' bananas
while her hair is on fire

Come on down with me

to Burnin' Man...

It's a fabulous place.
It's a fabulous land.

Ooh, yeah.

Art love, lovin' Art's love
for Art, Art for love...