Original subtitles

I beg your pardon, I beg your pardon.

Good evening.

- Good evening. - Good evening Mr. Hardwick.

- Has Mr. Jerry Travers come in yet? - Yes sir.

He's been waiting for you the entire evening sir.

The entire evening? Oh dear, dear. Thanks.

Begging your pardon sir, but is that the Mr. Travers...

the well known American gentleman sir?

It is indeed, he's come over to star in my show, his first London appearance.

- Your show Mr. Hardwick? - Well, I'm producing it.

I don't want any of the members here to know, I want to surprise them.

Oh, I'm sure they'll be surprised Mr. Hardwick.

Hello Jerry, I'm sorry I kept you waiting.

Jerry, there are a lot of things that I have to discuss...

so I want you to come over to my hotel now.

Jerry, I forgot to tell you. I want you to stay here for the night.

- I'm sorry, I can't do it. - Oh, But you must, old man really.

See, at the moment I'm having a sort of a problem with my valet.

Oh, well then, what you want me to do, press your pants?

Oh, no, no, you could, wouldn't know how. No, you don't understand, it's my man Bates.

- We had a bit of a tiff. - Oh, how terrible.

- You, you didn't come to blows or anything? - Nothing like that.

We're not speaking to each other. We had rather a clash about taste.

You see, Bates insists...

that a square tie is the only possible tie that can be worn with evening clothes.

A square tie, imagine, I prefer the butterfly.

- Well, I think Bates is right. - Bates is never right.

- Well then, why don't you fire him? - That's a little difficult.

I'm hoping against hope that the man will just disappear.

Well, I hate to interfere in these little family squabbles...

but let's hope he'll approve of me.

But there's ever any telling with Bates.

- Well, there you are. - If you please.

- Good evening sir. - Good evening.

Allow us to introduce ourselves sir, we are Bates sir.

Oh, really?

- We are Jerry Travers. - Welcome to our menage.

Thank you Bates, thank you. It seems that I'm to stay here tonight.

At least that was the idea of our beloved impresario.

- Whose idea? - Mr. Hardwick.

Oh, his idea.

- Well, welcome anyhow. - Oh, thank you Bates.

Oh, pardon sir, but may we make a personal observation?

- Well, not too personal. - Oh, no sir.

It's merely we feel impelled to compliment you sir, upon your excellent taste in ties.

- They like me. - You never know.

Where on earth did you ever find him?

Well, from the Salvation Army as a matter of fact.

I sent them a pair of very old shoes.

Oh I see, and the shoes came back and Bates was in them.

And he's been wearing my good ones ever since.

Oh, how's Madge feeling?

Oh, she's fine, thanks Jerry. The climate at the Lido is done her a lot of good.

Fine, fine.

Too bad she won't be able to be here for the opening tomorrow night.

- Isn't it? - She's heartbroken, really.

However, she's expecting us to fly down to Italy for a weekend.

Fly down to Italy for a weekend? Well I can't, I haven't got any goggles.

Oh, my word Jerry, you'll have to go, she's counting on us.

You see, she's going to have a young friend visit her.

I suspect there is something in the air, you know Madge and her matchmaking proclivities.

Oh, is she expecting me for a weekend or a wedding?

- You can't tell, you know how wives are. - No, I don't, how are they?

Wives? Why, they always have a little scheme and...

Look here young fellow, I think it's about time you found out for yourself.

- Oh, you do? - I certainly do.

No thanks Horace, in me you see a youth who is completely on the loose.

♪ No yens, no yearning, no strings, no connections ♪

♪ No ties to my affections, I'm fancy free and free for anything fancy. ♪

♪ No dates that can't be broken No words that can't be spoken... ♪

♪ Especially when I am feeling romancy ♪

♪ Like a robin upon a tree Like a sailor goes to sea ♪

♪ Like an unwritten melody I'm free, that's me ♪

♪ So, bring on the big attraction ♪

♪ My decks are cleared for action I'm fancy free and free for anything fancy ♪

♪ No strings and no connections, no ties to my affections ♪

♪ I'm fancy free and free for anything fancy ♪

♪ No dates that can't be broken No words that can't be spoken ♪

♪ Especially when I am feeling romancy ♪

♪ Like a robin upon a tree Like a sailor goes to sea ♪

♪ Like an unwritten melody I'm free, that's me ♪

♪ So, bring on the big attraction ♪

♪ My decks are cleared for action I'm fancy free and free for anything fancy ♪

Hello, this is Miss Tremont, I'd like to speak to the manager immediately.

Hello, are you there? Who? Oh, the manager, yes.

- And I can't hear a word you're saying. - There's a young lady downstairs.

Oh, a young lady, at this time of night?

Oh, she can't come up here now. No, no, no, I better come down myself.

Jerry, go right ahead, a young lady downstairs evidently wants to see me.

Hello.

Won't you come in?

I'm awfully glad you dropped in.

I dropped up from the room below where I been trying to get some sleep.

Oh, I'm sorry I, I didn't realize I was disturbing you.

You see, every once in a while, I suddenly find myself...

dancing.

Oh, I suppose it's some kind of an affliction.

Yes, yes, it's an affliction.

St. Vitus' dance.

And it only occurs at this time of night?

Yes, really, it only occurs at this time of night.

As a matter of fact, I really shouldn't be left alone.

Yes, I can see that, you probably should've a couple of guards.

- I think you very unkind to make fun of me. - Oh, I'm sorry.

- I wish you wouldn't leave. - Why not?

I think I feel an attack coming on.

It is.

- So I see. - There's only one thing stop me.

- Oh, you must tell me what it is. - My nurses always put their arms around me.

But I'll call the house detective and tell him to put his arms around you.

Good night.

Oh Jerry. Oh, what you doing here? What you carrying that for?

Who's young lady?

What young lady? Oh, that call wasn't for me, it was for you.

- Somebody is registered a complaint. - I know, I've just seen the complaint.

She's lovely, she's delightful, she's charming and she wants to sleep.

Oh, she does?

And I'm going to help her and you're going to help me, take this.

No, bring it in here and guard it with your life.

- Oh, what do you going to do? - Never mind.

Look here, what's the idea?

- The young lady downstairs wants to sleep. - So you told me.

Well, I appointed myself her official sandman.

But Jerry...

What else do you got?

I'm sorry sir, but you cleaned out the shop.

Well, you better tell them to plant some more for tomorrow.

They are all to go to Miss Dale Tremont sir?

That's right.

Her room number is 304.

Ah, what's that?

Oh, that's for the opening of a butcher shop sir.

- Send that up too. - But sir, a horseshoe?

Why yes, I may want to order a peach orchard tomorrow.

What's the number of your room sir?

Just charge it to Horace Hardwick, room 404.

Yes sir.

I wonder what Mr. Beddini is going to say about this.

Oh, what can he say?

Well, he's been sending her flowers daily ever since they came here.

And entre nous...

the desk clerk is intimated that Mr. Beddini provides Miss Tremont with all the niceties.

- Including her clothes. - Really?

And her niceties are very nice.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- I, I do hope you slept well last night. - I slept well enough, but not long enough.

I'm sorry, I was hoping there was something I could do to square myself.

Oh, that's quite all right.

I thought perhaps I could drive you to the stables.

Oh no, thank you. I have a hansom cab waiting for me outside.

With a horse in front of it?

Yes. You see, the stable people always use them, they feel the horse is coming back.

Oh, where is he been?

We're leaving tonight. Has Mr. Beddini made arrangements?

Yes Miss Tremont, he's ordered your baggage to be picked up at 7 o'clock.

Thank you.

- Driver. - Yes miss?

Can't you go any faster than this?

Lord love a duck miss, I can but I'm not allowed to leave the horse.

I meant the horse, of course.

It's like this miss...

You see, the horse is kind of tired today...

on account of having won the Grand National Friday.

Are you trying to tell me that this is a racehorse?

Yes miss, and I've got his pedigree too.

As a matter of fact, his sire was Man O'War.

Well? Who was his dam?

- I beg your pardon miss? - I said who was his dam?

Oh, I don't know miss, he didn't give a...

Peekaboo.

Stop this cab at once.

I don't know how, I've never handled anything more complicated than a Duesenberg.

- Take it easy Mavis. - Oh, what we going to do?

In dealing with a girl or horse, one just lets nature take its course.

There we are miss.

I, I told you the horse would bring you to the right place.

What is the strange power you have over horses?

Horsepower.

Don't, don't I even get any thanks?

Buy yourself a new hat.

Cab miss?

Cab miss, cab miss?

May I rescue you?

No thank you, I prefer being in distress.

Charming little spot you have here. When is the concert start?

Just as soon as you and the rain stop.

Oh no, please. You wouldn't like to be just a little bit more friendly, would you?

Why should I? I don't know you from Adam.

Maybe it's the way I'm dressed.

- Are you afraid of thunder? - Oh no, just the noise.

- You know what thunder is, don't you? - Of course.

It's something about the air.

No, no...

when a clumsy cloud from here meets a fluffy little cloud from there...

he billows towards her...

she scurries away and he scuds right up to her.

She cries a little and there you have your shower.

He comforts her, they spark.

That's the lightning.

They kiss, thunder.

♪ The weather is frightening, The thunder and lightning seem to be having their way ♪

♪ But as far as I'm concerned, it's a lovely day ♪

♪ The turn in the weather will keep us together so I can honestly say... ♪

♪ That as far as I'm concerned, it's a lovely day and everything is Ok. ♪

♪ Isn't this a lovely day to be caught in the rain? ♪

♪ You were going on your way now you've got to remain ♪

♪ Just as you were going, leaving me all at sea ♪

♪ The clouds broke, they broke and oh. What a break for me ♪

♪ I can see the sun up high Tho' we're caught in the storm ♪

♪ I can see where you and I Could be cozy and warm ♪

♪ Let the rain pitter patter but it really doesn't matter ♪

♪ If the skies are gray long as I can be with you it's a lovely day ♪

Who is sending you this horse's shoe?

How cute. Alberto, I've seen him. I've talked to him, I've danced with him.

- Him? Who is this him? - Who? Oh, his name is Adam.

Well, you forget this Adam, you've promised to go with me to Italy.

Your friend Madge Hardwick is awaiting you.

And there, there you will dazzle the eyes in clothes designed by Alberto Beddini.

Alberto, I hope you don't mind but I'm not going to the Lido.

Madre Mia, what you said?

My dear, listen to me, we've made agreement.

Beddini designs the clothes which you wear among your friends, the smart people.

So that they ask, who is so smart as to make these smart clothes?

And you say, who, who is so smart? Beddini.

- Forget this Adam, Beddini demands it. - Oh, Beddini does, does he?

Alberto, up to the present, our relationship is been purely a business one.

But if you start interfering in my personal affairs...

I'll go back to America and live on the dole.

Oh no Dale darling, I'm so sorry, I did not mean to interfere.

Go ahead, fall in love with this Adam, marry him, but as Mrs. Adam, what would you wear?

Fig leaves.

- Thank you sir. - Dale, a telegram for you.

Read it to me please.

Come ahead, stop. Stop being a sap, stop.

You can even bring Alberto, stop.

My husband is stopping at your hotel, stop. When do you start, stop.

- Ah, I cannot understand who wrote this. - Sounds like Gertrude Stein.

Oh, no, no, it's from Madge Hardwick.

She says her husband is stopping at this hotel and will look you up.

Wonder what kind of man Madge married.

We sure have influence, let's be nice to him.

I'm afraid I'm going to be too busy being nice to somebody else.

Oh, Dale, you can't do this.

All my life I've promised my dresses to take them to Italy and you must be in them.

Sorry Alberto, but I'm unpacking.

Never again will I allow women to wear my dresses.

♪ Isn't this a lovely day to be caught in the rain? ♪

- Good evening, Miss Tremont. - Good evening.

Mr. Beddini and I have decided to stay.

I'm so glad Miss, then I'll cancel the order about the bags.

Thank you. Oh, by the way, is there a Mr. Hardwick stopping at this hotel?

Why yes Miss Tremont, Mr. Hardwick has room 404, just above you.

- Are you sure? - Yes Miss Tramont.

As a matter of fact, there's Mr. Hardwick now, on the mezzanine.

The gentleman with the briefcase and cane.

- Horace, Horace, a telegram for you. - Oh, for me?

- From Italy. - Italy? Oh, that's probably from Madge.

Oh, and there's a message in your room...

to call the box office, some trouble about things or something.

- Yes I, trouble? - Yeah.

With the tickets? Oh, my word Jerry. Why, they wouldn't dare.

Will you hold those things for me please? Get a taxi and I'll meet you downstairs.

All right.

Cab Miss?

When a clumsy cloud meets a fluffy little cloud.

We're only trying to investigate matters miss, we must protect our guests.

Well, she does not need your protection. I am too much protection enough.

There's nothing to investigate. Nothing matters, nothing happened.

Will you please ask these gentlemen to go?

You mean to sit there and tell me that girl...

slapped your face in front of all those people for nothing?

What would you've done, sold tickets?

I mean you did nothing, and yet she slapped your face?

- Now you getting it. - Oh, I wish you'd be serious about this.

One breath of scandal at this time will ruin our show.

Why, I'd rather had it happen to me than to you.

- Oh of course, you enjoy that sort of thing. - I do, immensely. Don't be absurd.

I hate men, I hate you, I hate all men.

Oh Cara Mia, you make a big mistake. I am no man, I am Beddini.

How could he have made love to me when he was married all the time?

And to Madge of all people.

So, this snake in the grass, this Adam already he has eaten the apple?

Yes.

- I will kill him for you. - Have you finished packing?

Oh, but you do not understand.

- Are we leaving or aren't we? - No, no, you can not go back to America.

- We must go to the Lido. - But I can't face his wife.

And why not? Women are facing wives every day.

And after all, you can't avoid seeing Madge sometime, can you?

I guess not.

Very well then, why not face the musicians now?

All right, maybe she ought to know.

You're sure you didn't forget yourself in the park?

Positive. If I ever forgot myself with that girl I'd remember it.

- We're the management. - Oh, are we, are you?

Oh dear, some more of these plural personalities.

Just a moment.

Jerry, get into my bedroom quick, no one must know you're here.

If they ever suspect that you're in this, it'll be in every newspaper in an hour.

Well, well, well gentlemen, this is a pleasant surprise.

A small matter of great import is come to our attention sir.

I am up here in your interest and to protect the hotel.

- We wish to avoid any scandal. - Scandal?

Yes, in connection with a certain slap in the face.

The young lady refuses to divulge why she slapped you.

Oh well, she didn't slap my face.

- Who did she slap? - Why, it was...

Who? OH, who? Who?

Well, it was he, my valet.

Me sir?

Why, of course. Don't argue with me, how it happen?

Oh, possibly we had been a little imprudent sir.

Of course you see, we had been a little imprudent.

- But you said it wasn't you. - Oh, no. Not Mr. Hardwick.

Gentlemen, we take all the blame myself.

And there we are, there you are. You see, was, was just a mistake.

I'll take him to task personally.

- Thank you sir. - Not at all.

- Good night. - Not at all.

- Good night. - Good night.

Bates, thank you.

You know really, you are an invaluable assistant.

Thank you sir, allow us.

Thank you Bates.

- Your coat, sir. - Really? Oh?

My, this is like old times, isn't it? Your helping me with my coat, I mean.

It's a pleasure we have missed sir.

- Thank you Bates. - Thank you sir.

- How is our lumbago this evening sir? - It's so much better Bates, thank you.

Thank you sir.

- Bates. - Yes sir?

There's a crisis afoot. Couldn't we bury the hatchet?

I mean, couldn't we forget all about the ties?

Sic transit Gloria mundi sir.

- Bates. - Yes sir.

Mr. Travers is in trouble, he has practically put his foot right into a hornet's nest.

But, hornets' nests grow on trees sir.

Never mind that. We have got to do something.

What about rubbing it with butter sir?

You blasted fool, you can't rub a girl with butter.

My sister got into a hornets' nest and we rubbed her with butter sir.

That's the wrong treatment, you should've used mud, never mind that.

Mr. Travers is in trouble, it's liable to develop into a scandal that involve all of us.

- There's a young lady in the room below us. - Oh, I've seen her sir.

I want you to find out all you can about her.

Follow her wherever she goes, never take your eyes off her.

- Never sir? - Never.

- Whither she goes... - Thither I, sir.

Right you are sir, whither or thither.

What happened?

Well, it's all right, I fixed it.

But oh my, things are getting involved, this is a deep laid plot.

Nonsense, why should this girl want to involve me?

Why? Why for money of course. Publicity, anything to create a scandal.

But don't worry, I'm going to see her and I'm going to buy her off.

Oh no, you're not, if anyone is going to buy her anything, I am going to do it.

No, no, no. No, no. No you stay right here, I'll clear this all up myself.

It's probably some little thing you did, you see?

Carried away for the moment, that offended her sense of decorum.

Well, if I did, I'm going right down and do it again. Goodbye, old boy.

Come along, Cara Mia.

- Get me a taxi, quickly. - Taxi.

Follow that cab.

Come in.

- Where's the young lady that has this room? - She gone sir.

- Gone? - Yes sir.

You don't mind if I get on with me work?

Got to get these flowers out in the morning's rubbish.

That's all right, go ahead, go right ahead.

Jerry, do you realize we have less than an hour before the show open?

We got to get out of here, come on.

Women do strange things sometimes, don't they George?

Yes, sir.

- That first act was simply marvelous. - Good.

Everybody is crazy about it, the critics are raving.

And I've got some more good news for you.

- Did you find out were she's gone? - She? Oh, that girl.

Oh, no, no, but Jerry please, the entire Thackeray Club is out in front.

You don't suppose my dancing has disturbed them?

Oh, I don't think so, they didn't say. Of course not, it's perfectly all right here.

- Second act beginning Mr. Travers. - Alright, thanks. I'll be there.

Oh, oh, rally, the second act Jerry, a lot of telegrams for you.

And I'll be right back as soon as the act is over now.

Oh my word, I never read my own telegram from Madge.

Isn't it too bad she isn't here tonight?

The biggest night in my life and she isn't here to see it.

- What she say? - All kinds of good wishes for our success.

Sorry that we can't fly down to Italy after the performance to meet her little friend.

Says her little friend is in London, staying at my hotel, her name is Tremont.

Tremont? Wait a minute. Let me see that.

Horace, hire a plane right away, we're leaving for Italy first thing in the morning.

One minute Mr. Travers.

But you can't do that, the seats were sold out for months in advance.

How long does it take to fly there?

It takes 7 hours and you got to be back Monday night for the performance.

Listen, we charter a plane for the weekend, we'll be back in time.

- You're on Mr. Travers. - I'll not jeopardize my position.

If you want this show run two nights, get me a plane now.

- What kind of a plane? - One with wings.

♪ I just got an invitation through the mail ♪

♪ Your presence requested this evening, it's formal, top hat, white tie and tails. ♪

♪ Nothing now could take the wind out of my sails. ♪

♪ Because I'm invited to step out this evening with top hat & white tie and tails ♪

♪ Oh, I'm putting on my top hat ♪

♪ Tying up my white tie, Brushing off my tails. ♪

♪ I'm duding up my shirt front, Putting in the shirt studs, ♪

♪ Polishing my nails, ♪

♪ I'm stepping out, my dear to breathe an atmosphere that simply reeks with class ♪

♪ And I trust that you'll excuse my dust when I step on the gas ♪

♪ For I'll be there, putting down my top hat ♪

♪ Mussing up my white tie, dancing in my tails ♪

I'll go look for Madge and see you later for cocktails.

Bene, Cara Mia.

- Dale, when did you get down? - Just now.

Good, have something to drink, garcon...

Horse's neck.

- It's grand seeing you. - And it's grand seeing you.

Now tell me, did my husband look you up?

- Yes. - Well, how did he impress you?

Oh, I think he's very fascinating.

Fascinating? You know, every once in a while the effect Horace has on people surprises me.

He sort of surprised me too.

Well, I'm glad you liked him, he will be here today.

Oh no, he can't...

What's the matter? Did he flirt with you?

He sent me a room full of flowers.

Well, that was sweet of him.

But Madge, you don't understand, he...

He chased me in the park.

Really? I didn't know Horace was capable of that much activity.

Did he catch you?

- Yes. - Good for Horace.

Why Madge, you shock me.

Oh, Horace flirts with every attractive girl he meets, he doesn't mean anything..

Well, that's a funny way to take it.

My dear, when you are as old as I am, you'll take your men as you find them...

if you can find them.

And another thing Jerry.

The gossip at the hotel was that this man Beddini, was supplying her with everything.

- Money, clothes, flowers. - No Horace, you provided the flowers.

I? I never did anything, I didn't even know her. Oh, don't be ridiculous.

But anyway, as soon as we land, I'm going to see Madge and I am going to find out...

from her just who and what this Tremont person is.

I only want to find out where.

Now, Jerry, I warn you

you don't realize the trouble that a designing woman can make for a man.

Now, I know all about these things. I wouldn't tell this to anybody.

I am the victim of a designing woman myself.

- Surely you don't mean Madge? - Why, certainly, who else?

Oh no, not Madge, no. She doesn't know anything about it either.

Her name is Violet. She's what the French call a passade.

Oh, I see. Little ships that pass in the night.

Ships, eh? Oh yes, yes, exactly.

I met her at the birdhouse in the zoo.

She was a very pretty little thing and she seemed to be quite frightened.

- Of the birds? - Yes, yes, you see...

she'd led a very sheltered life, it was the storks in particular that worried her.

Well, I took her to a cinema and we had dinner and then I took her to another cinema.

Then I fear I forgot myself and let her kiss me.

That must be his plane now, come on.

No, I'd rather not.

Oh come on, if I were you I wouldn't miss this...

opportunity of seeing the early worm get the bird.

You know Dale, I haven't told you the real reason I asked you down here.

- Haven't you? - No.

You know, I feel I've known you long enough to have the right to talk to you this way.

In spite of the fact that all men are males.

There is no feeling so secure as having a good, reliable husband. I know.

- Jerry. - Hello, Madge, I'll see you in a minute.

Where Miss Tremont go?

- Dale didn't tell me she'd met you. - Oh yes, we've met.

Fine, I've arranged a little dinner party for all of us.

Let's eat now.

Leave the child alone, she's a little upset about something.

- Oh, really? - Yes. Tell me, how did Dale strike you?

- Right between the eyes. - Good.

- Oh, where's Horace? - I left him struggling with the baggage.

The hotel is crowded and you and Horace...

are going to have to bunk together tonight, Dale is with me.

- Did you get that room for my husband? - Si signora.

But I am so sorry because of the carnival, the only thing available is the bridal suite.

- The bridal suite. - How romantic. Thank you.

- Signor, you are Horace Hardwick? - Oh, thank you, I am. How do you do?

- I am very displeased to meet you. - Really? Well, what do you mean, displeased?

Signor, I warn you...

for men of your kind, this is not a healthy place.

Oh, my dear fellow, this is one of the healthiest spots in Europe.

The air, the breeze, the flowers.

Ah, so it is funny tricks you're being, I warn you...

never let your path criss cross mine again or the heart...

- Horace. - How do you do? Madge, darling.

My, my, my. Your passion frightens me.

- Been practicing? - Yes, yes, well, scarcely, no.

Madge, what do you think is happened to me?

- I know, you got your first long trousers. - Madge please.

There's something down here that I have to investigate and Jerry thinks that...

Well, maybe I better tell it anonymously.

You know, it sounds as if you were about to confess something Horace.

Oh, does it? But what would I have to confess?

You really want to tell me about Dale Tremont, don't you?

Yes, yes, but then again, no.

You see, as a matter of fact, I haven't even met her yet.

- Oh, you haven't met her? - No.

Well, if that's your story Horace, you stick to it.

I, I suppose you weren't in the park either.

In the park, my dear girl, it happened in the zoo. What?

Oh, the zoo, yes. The zoo was in the park, how you know I was there?

- Oh, a little bird told me. - The stork?

Oh Madge, I think after the trip I'd better clean up a bit.

- Of course, I understand just how you feel. - Yes.

- Jerry? - What's the matter?

- It's Madge, has she been chasing you? - No, no.

Jerry, I think she's found out about Violet and I just had my life threatened.

But what did he say?

He just lied in a straightforward manner and said he'd never met you.

- Oh, he did, did he? - I told you he forget all about you.

Well, I'll make him remember me in a manner he'll never forget.

Is Horace been away from you lately for any length of time?

Well, he was alone on the Continent last year.

Connect me with Mr. Hardwick's apartment please.

Madge, have you any objections if I...

scare your husband so that he'll never look at another woman?

Dale, no husband is ever too scared to look.

Hello.

Oh hello, where are you?

Oh, so you do remember me? He remembers me all right.

- Are you alone? - Completely and desolately.

Fine, I'll be right up.

Horace, she's coming up.

She's coming up here? Oh, she can't do that, it isn't proper.

- She wants to see me alone. - Alone? Jerry...

What did I tell you? She wants to compromise you.

Oh, rack your brains please. Couldn't you've met that girl someplace else before?

Well, I could've met her in Moscow.

- Ah, in Moscow. Well, you see? - But I've never been to Moscow.

Well, couldn't you've met her in Paris?

The last time I was in Paris I was 10 years old.

Jerry, I don't think it's safe for you to see that girl alone.

Well, I don't think it would be quite proper for you to receive her that way.

Hello.

I know you'll think this is a little unconventional of me but...

I just couldn't wait to see you, alone.

I, I'm awfully glad you came up.

Oh, my darling.

- Hello, how you've been? - I've been missing you terribly.

Oh, I came down on the fastest plane I could get.

Oh no, I meant before yesterday.

- Before yesterday? - Oh yes, of course.

Don't you remember?

Well, well, should I?

Have you forgotten what we've...

- been to each other? - No.

Well, what we've been to each other?

Oh, I knew yesterday in the park, when I was dancing in your arms...

- you remembered who I was. - Of course, who are you?

Then, you still don't remember?

Well, I can try to remember something.

How could you forget that funny little house...

and the suspicious concierge...

and that quaint little room?

Oh, we used to have tea and muffins in front of the fireplace...

watching the shadows leaping on the ceiling.

And those long walks down that twisty cobblestone street to the river.

Oh, Paris is heavenly in the spring.

Oh, so that's where we met.

Yes, last year.

In Paris?

Why, of course.

- It's all coming back to me now. - Is it?

Yes, but you weren't calling yourself Dale Tremont.

- Wasn't I? - No, it was...

Madeline, that was it. I called you Mad for short.

You've put on a little weight, haven't you?

Remember that night on the Left Bank, you had on that little blue dress I bought for you?

And to think that I almost forgot you...

Tell me something.

Do you still have that awful weakness for diamond bracelets?

I suppose I do.

Well, make yourself comfortable darling.

I'll order some cocktails, a little later on we'll have supper up here, just we two.

It'll be like old times, won't it?

I, I think I'd better be going.

I'll let you go on one condition.

Promise me, now that I found you again...

we can be to each other what we were in Paris.

There, you see? I was right.

Of all the scheming, brazen creatures, trying to pretend that she met you in Paris.

Do you realize that she's deliberately trying to trap you?

- Now, what you going to do about it? - Marry her.

- Jerry, this is no time for you to be funny. - All right, then, you be funny.

I'm going down and ask her to marry me right now.

Oh, Jerry please, wait.

Now, not now, before you make a complete fool of yourself...

promise me that you won't ask her until I find out from Madge more about her past.

All right, you find out all about her past and I'll go down and plan her future.

- Remember, that's a promise. - All right, it's a promise.

What happened? Did you scare him?

No, he scared me.

What did he do, make faces at you?

You know...

sometimes I get up in the morning and I take a good look at him and he frightens me too.

He mistook me for someone called Madeline he'd met in Paris.

Oh, really?

Madge, you think you ought let him go away from you alone?

I don't believe he was nearly so innocent in Paris as you seem to think.

Darling, you interest me. I must send him to China next year.

But Madge, you don't seem to understand. I'm trying to tell you that I'm afraid that...

that we're carrying this thing too far.

You know...

I wonder if you've seen something in Horace that I've never seen.

I wonder what's keeping Horace.

What's the matter?

I'm afraid I'm going to have a headache.

Oh, don't go, this is a meeting I've been planning a long time.

Good evening.

It's nice to see you again, Miss Tremont.

You robbed me of the pleasure of introducing you two, you've already met.

Oh yes, we've met, last spring.

But I hope you see a lot of each other.

You know, Madge is the most understanding person.

She seems to know instinctively the kind of girl that interests me.

- I don't know what I'd do without her. - Oh, that's sweet of you darling.

But you two run along and dance and don't give me another thought.

It's what I'm afraid of.

- I think Madge is a very brave person. - Yes, I've a tremendous admiration for her.

Well, if Madge doesn't care, I certainly don't.

Neither do I, all I know is that it's...

♪ Heaven, I'm in Heaven ♪

♪ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak ♪

♪ And I seem to find the happiness I seek ♪

♪ When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Heaven, I'm in Heaven ♪

♪ And the cares that hang around me through the week ♪

♪ Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak ♪

♪ When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Oh, I love to climb a mountain and to reach the highest peak ♪

♪ But it doesn't thrill me half as much as dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Oh, I love to go out fishing In a river or a creek ♪

♪ But I don't enjoy it half as much as dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Dance with me I want my arm about you ♪

♪ The charm about you Will carry me through to ♪

♪ Heaven, I'm in Heaven ♪

♪ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak ♪

♪ And I seem to find the happiness I seek ♪

♪ When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek ♪

Oh, why don't you tell me what this is all about? You know we never met in Paris.

I know, I'm afraid I haven't been quite fair with you.

- You see, I know who you are. - Oh, what difference do that make?

Oh, so that doesn't make any difference?

No, why should? I don't know who you are and I don't care.

Oh, that's big of you.

Well...

Well, what?

Aren't you now supposed to say, we should think only of what we mean to each other...

that we're entitled to live our own lives?

I don't think I'd say it that way exactly, but aren't we?

Go on.

If it weren't for a promise I made in a moment of weakness, I would go on.

Oh, you made a promise.

Oh, that shouldn't make much difference to you.

That's right, forget it. Marry me.

How could I've fallen in love with anyone as low as you?

She loves me.

- What you doing? - Packing.

I'm leaving, Madge, you don't know what a mess we've got into.

Why, what's the matter?

Your husband.

- He wants to divorce you and marry me. - I see.

He, he wants to do right by both of us. Did he mention any settlement?

- No. - That'll come later.

He'll probably want me to pay myself alimony.

Oh, now listen Dale. I don't want you to go, that won't solve anything.

I can't stay here under the circumstances.

Here or there, as long as you remain a...

spinster you're fair game for any philandering male.

You know...

what you really should've is a husband you can call your own.

Seriously, I mean it.

- But what we going to do about your husband? - Don't worry dear, I'll do it.

Come in.

Darling.

All I said was darling and she smacked me.

Jerry, how does it look? Tell me frankly.

It looks like a sunrise by Maxfield Parrish.

Oh, Jerry, that's terrible.

I can't go around now like this.

Put a piece of raw steak on it, that'll take the swelling down.

- It would? - Yeah.

- A steak? - Sure.

Bates...

Yes sir.

- Order a steak. - A steak, very good sir.

You know Jerry, I can't imagine what's got into Madge recently.

- She's never hit me before. - Maybe she just never thought of it before.

Room service. Yes, this is the bridal suite.

Yes, will you please send up a nice, juicy steak?

I beg your pardon?

Oh yes, mashed potatoes and carrots...

and spinach. Yes, of course, coffee...

As soon as you get your eye fixed we'll go down and see Madge.

- Where you want it sir? - Want what Bates?

- The steak sir. - On my eye.

On your eye sir?

Oh my word, why do I always have to say things twice?

On my eye means on my eye, doesn't it?

- I beg your pardon sir. - Don't argue.

Jerry, you see what I'm up against.

The man has a sluggish brain, always wants to debate things.

First it's a maniac and then it's Madge and now it's Bates.

I give you my word, if anything else happens I'll go insane.

We are a grand success, every woman, she's saying this dress, she's wonderful.

This Beddini is the tops. I'm so happy.

No, Cara Mia, it's not the dress, it's not Beddini, it's you who wears it.

Thank you Alberto.

What is it? Is Adam again? His Garden of Eden...

he is made you sad?

It's just that I'm all mixed up, that's all.

Oh, why worry about this man?

I think I'm worrying more about his wife.

Oh Carina, Beddini does not like to see you so sad.

Alberto, you seem to be the only one left I can turn to.

Dale...

why don't you marry Beddini? He'll make you happy.

Why not? I'm rich, I'm pretty...

and then this Hardwick will leave you alone.

I'll marry you if you really want me to but let's do it right away.

Oh, Angela Mia.

First of all, we'll get you straightened out and then I'll ask Madge about Dale.

Mr. Hardwick dear sir, one of our guests is informed us he's to be married this evening.

We wondered if you would give up your bridal suite.

- Give it up? Oh, why we... - We've hardly settled in it yet.

- Have we, angel? - No, and all our clothes are, please.

Of course you may have it.

Thank you dear sir, I shall remove you elsewhere.

Come on dear sir, brace up.

Madge is merely heard something about this Violet girl.

We know it isn't the truth, you tell her yourself, that's all she's waiting for.

I know, that's what I'm afraid of.

Always remember that the truth has never hurt any man.

Jerry, you are right.

Anyway, if it does, I'll go to the hospital with you.

Horace, what is this, Halloween?

Madge, Horace has a little confession to make.

Well, I've been waiting for this for some time, come right in and get it off your chest.

Better take your glasses off.

Sit down.

Well?

Well...

You see, when Horace was in London he met a certain young lady.

And Madge, you must've had an inkling of this or, or...

- Or you wouldn't be telling me now. - Never. What? Why certainly.

What Horace means to say is that he like to make a clean breast of the whole thing.

- Before I find out the truth. - Exactly. Madge, this girl was at, what?

Dear, I'm all mix, where am I?

- Hello. - Madge darling...

I wanted to call you and tell you I just got married.

You got what?

I'm sorry dear, I can't hear you, it sounds just as if you said you got married.

- I did. - Where you now?

Going to the bridal suite?

Very proper place for a bride and groom, isn't it?

Oh Darling, I must compliment you on your speedy work...

but who on earth did you find to marry you so quickly?

Alberto? Oh, you better hang up Dale dear, I think I'm going to faint.

Dale, what was that?

- Dale Tremont married? - Yes, to that dressmaker.

- Good. - Good?

- What you have to do with this? - It's all his fault.

My fault?

Yes, she told me how you chased her in the park and she slapped your face.

Yes, but I'm the one she slapped.

She's been mistaking me for Horace all this time.

No wonder she thought Horace was fascinating.

Eh? No wonder, I resent that.

- Madge, where is she now? - On her way to the bridal suite.

Bridal suite.

See you later.

But Jerry, you can't do a thing like that, it isn't fair.

All is fair in love and war and this is revolution.

Oh yes, is very pretty.

Thank you dear sir, we are very proud of our bridal arrangements.

Is anything else sir?

Yes, would you please ask my wife to join me here?

It is a pleasure dear sir.

- What do you doing here? - What do you doing here?

- Yes, but this is my room. - Yes, but this is my room.

- So, but I have the key. - So, but I have the key.

- But I am Beddini. - You got me there pal.

We will see who is the owner of this room.

But, Jerry, you shouldn't be in here, it isn't cricket.

No Horace, it isn't tiddlywinks either.

Signor, there is a man in my bed.

- Come, un uomo nel suo letto. - Ma certo.

Too bad he's not here yet. Well, I'll just wait until my uncle returns.

- Grazie signore. - Thank you.

Why Jerry, I didn't know that you had an uncle here.

- Didn't you know? - No.

Oh, I haven't, but this room is just above the bridal suite.

He's not here signor. If he returns, you will call us.

If he returns, I will kill him.

We Beddini have the motto, for the woman, the kiss, for the man, the sword.

- Prego signore, non Si comprometa. - Si Mai ritorna fare cualquier cosa.

Oh Dale, you are lovely.

- Like a flower I am afraid to crush. - Don't be afraid.

- Alberto, make him stop. - Who is it? You know?

- Yes, it's Horace. - Horace Hardwick, that interloper.

I'll stop him.

For the man, the sword.

Mrs. Hardwick's apartment please.

- He's coming. - Oh, is he?

You keep this up and hold him here as long as you can.

I, I will.

Madge, you better come over and rescue Horace.

Alberto is gone after him with a sword.

Salute.

Why yes, of course.

I'm sorry to break in like this, but I simply had to see you.

- Will you please stop annoying me? - But you've been mistaken about me.

- I'm afraid I haven't. - All right then.

I'll stay right here and there will be a scene with your husband.

He'll be furious if he finds you here.

Then please come with me for a few minutes, I simply got to talk to you.

And so you see my dear chap, I am definitely the wrong person.

- But you are Horace Hardwick, no? - Yes, of course I am Horace Hardwick.

Then you are not the wrong person, prepare.

Don't mind me. I just came up to see the fun.

Madge, explain to this maniac that he is making a very serious mistake.

Well, he may be making a mistake but it's not serious.

Go right ahead Alberto.

No, no, I cannot kill him before a lady.

Well, if you're going to pull out on us Alberto...

maybe it's best that you don't kill him, I may want that pleasure myself someday.

But why didn't you tell me who you were?

After all, I mean, you never gave me very much of a chance.

Mr. Travers, Mr. Travers, Mr. Travers.

Help, somebody.

Oh, I am so sorry, I really did not want to kill you, you must forgive me.

I forgive you.

- Go right ahead, boys, don't mind me. - Oh, signora.

Ah, not tonight Alberto, some other time when I'm feeling stronger.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, pard me sir.

What is it? What's the matter? What you've been doing? What's the matter? What is it?

Pard me sir but Mr. Travers and Miss Tremont sir they're...

they're drifting out to the bay in a gondola sir.

There, there, that ought to make you feel pretty small, accusing me.

- He's kidnapped her. - Kidnapped her?

You are in this plot. You are ca-hooting with him.

- I had just about enough... - Children...

Children, if Dale and Jerry are drifting out to sea...

don't you think the best thing we could do is to go up and rescue them?

Oh yes, come.

Isn't it marvelous to have some brains, I'm always so helpless.

Don't answer me like that, do something.

- Jerry, Jerry. - That isn't Jerry.

- That's right, make a fool of yourself. - Was no crime to look, is it?

- I think there is no gas left. - Oh my word, no petrol?

Perhaps I better look at the engine, where is it?

They may have hidden it up there, under the hood.

It's the first time I ever had to walk back from a boat ride.

Oh Jerry, you mustn't come with me. I'd rather talk to Alberto alone.

Alberto will have to get accustomed to talking you in front of me.

No, seriously, I'd rather you wouldn't, please.

When am I going to see you again?

I don't know.

Mr. Travers, Mr. Travis, they went after you sir, to look for you sir, in a motorboat.

- Ah, Mr. Beddini too? - Yes sir, all three of them.

They won't be back this evening sir, we took the precaution of removing the gasoline.

Oh, thank you Bates, thank you. Dale...

Lei e in arresto.

- What is it my good man? - Perque e vestito cosi?

Oh this, yes, yes, I'm, I'm masquerading.

Masquerading.

- Don't you understand English? - Inglese? No signore.

Oh, you don't understand English?

Oh, well, well, well, I've been waiting for an opportunity like this since my childhood.

You frozen face flatfoot.

- Grazie signore. - And grazie to you if it comes to that.

You stultified shrimp.

Grazie signore.

Can I help it if you look like a mildewed donkey?

Grazie signore.

Oh, I'm adoring this and grazie to you, since you insist.

You see, I happen to be breaking the law, I admit it...

wholeheartedly but of course, you would never know that, you fish faced nincompoop.

- Grazie signore. - Good night.

Un momento.

I arrest you for masquerading as a gondolier.

I further charge you with insulting an officer with vile names...

according to Rule Three, Section Three of the law dealing with delinquents.

Grazie.

Beg your pardon signore, the carnival is beginning.

Shall I serve now or will you wait for the groom?

I don't think the groom will be here tonight.

- Very good sir. - Very good? It's perfect.

I still feel a little guilty being here with you while Alberto is out looking for us.

Come on, let's eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we have to face him.

♪ By the Adriatic waters Venetian sons and daughters ♪

♪ Are strumming a new tune upon their guitars ♪

♪ It was written by a Latin, a gondolier who sat in ♪

♪ His home out in Brooklyn and gazed at the stars ♪

♪ He sent his melody across the sea to Italy ♪

♪ And we know they wrote some words to fit that catchy bit ♪

♪ And christened it The Piccolino ♪

♪ And we know that it's the reason why everyone this season ♪

♪ Is humming and strumming a new melody ♪

♪ Come to the casino and hear them play the Piccolino ♪

♪ Dance with your bambino to the strains of the catchy Piccolino ♪

♪ Drink your glass of vino and when you had your plate of scalopino ♪

♪ Make them play the Piccolino that catchy Piccolino ♪

♪ And dance to the strains of that new melody, The Piccolino ♪

♪ By the Adriatic waters Venetian sons and daughters ♪

♪ Are strumming a new tune upon their guitars ♪

♪ It was written by a Latin, a gondolier who sat in ♪

♪ His home out in Brooklyn and gazed at the stars ♪

♪ He sent his melody across the sea to Italy ♪

♪ And we know they wrote some words to fit that catchy bit ♪

♪ And christened it The Piccolino ♪

♪ And we know that it's the reason why everyone this season ♪

♪ Is humming and strumming a new melody ♪

♪ Come to the casino and hear them play the Piccolino ♪

♪ Dance with your bambino to the strains of the catchy Piccolino ♪

♪ Drink your glass of vino and when you had your plate of scalopino ♪

♪ Make them play the Piccolino that catchy Piccolino ♪

♪ And dance to the strains of that new melody, The Piccolino ♪

The hour of reckoning is at hand. Beddini is about to settle his accounts.

- Skipper. - Si signora.

Will you tell my husband we're here?

- He's the one with his mouth closed. - Subito, subito signora.

Listen you two idiots, Alberto is as mad as a drunken toreador.

- Where is he? - He's gone up to the room.

Jerry, if you take my advice, you'll take the first plane back to London pronto.

Not until I've asked Mr. Beddini for his wife's hand, do you think he'll accept me?

- Mr. Hardwick. - What you want?

I regret to report my dear sir, that your manservant has been arrested.

- Bates? Really? - Yes sir.

He would've spent the whole night in jail if I had not bailed him out.

You don't mean it.

Come in.

Oh, at last.

The little birdies have come flying back to the rooster.

Mr. Beddini, we want to explain this whole thing to you.

I will not listen to any excuses, not even the truth.

Jerry, Madge, I have the most amazing news.

A few days ago, my invaluable manservant Bates...

- Allow me to tell them sir, please. - Quiet, your turn will come later.

A few days ago, my invaluable manservant Bates...

The needle has gotten stuck in a crack.

- You tell them Bates. - Thank you madam.

You see Miss Dale, Mr. Hardwick thought you were a dangerous woman.

He asked me to follow you in case you did something dangerous.

- Follow me? - Yes miss.

And in order to put you off the scent, I thought of many little disguises.

This evening, I met Mr. Beddini and Miss Tremont...

and fearing that they might recognize me I turned my collar around...

like this.

And very cleverly, I became a clergyman.

- You are the one who married us. - Yes sir.

- Then we've never been really married? - Precisely miss.

Well, well, well. Mr. Beddini what are you doing in this young lady's room?