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[Music]
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Clive wearing has one of the worst cases
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of amnesia in the world
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I know it's like we did now day or night
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same thing no difference between dreams
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and no sense at all a brain has been
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totally inactive no dreams and no
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thoughts of any kind whatever Clive was
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a renowned conductor living in London
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when he was struck down by a virus in
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1985 parts of his brain were completely
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destroyed including his memory however
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his ability to play music is unaffected
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do you feel different when you play
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music no I didn't always like to play
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with you they are unconscious you played
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us some music about two minutes ago not
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known to me I never heard him knows you
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Clive's case became known to millions
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when a television documentary was made
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about him in 1986 alone and Confused in
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hospital without his memory the only
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person he recognized was his wife
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Deborah I faked consciousness first I
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just want to find out the play how
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they've been doing what's being wrong
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with me
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20 years later clive only has a
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seven-second memory before his mind goes
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blank what has life been like for Clive
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and his family
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[Music]
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do you know that we're making a film
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about you know what's news to me
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you're being filmed for television press
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of course because you're very famous
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about 20 years ago a film was made about
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you oh yeah just after you became ill
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called a prisoner of consciousness and
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20 years on we're making a new film
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about you because millions of people
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watched the film and wanted to know how
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you were good heavens so millions of
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people know you we've been coming to see
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you for several weeks see very paid to
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come here thankfully we are live is 67
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and lives in a brain injury unit where
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he's under constant supervision
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his wife Deborah lives 85 miles away in
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Redding his illness has made it
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impossible for them to live together for
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20 years if Clive went out of the front
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door unsupervised unaccompanied he would
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have it would be like being separated
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from a spaceship it would be like if he
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was space walking and the rope broke he
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would have no way of getting back ever
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it does Clive know his name yes does he
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never old hears no does he know where
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you live no no I do does he know your
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job no no idea
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does he know the day of the week no does
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he know the date yeah can you read a
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book no because he can't remember the
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sentence before last can you watch her
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film no he'll watch the rugby or he'll
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watch the crickets he oh he won't know
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who's playing what the score is
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but each stroke and each try is
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satisfying for him to watch
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[Music]
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clive now has islands of memory just as
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we can ride a bike or drive a car
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without remembering how we were taught
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clive can play and respond to music
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because his innate musical abilities are
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still there and weren't totally
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destroyed by the virus deborah visits
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clive on average once a month passionate
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very loving funny very very comical and
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he's very very self-effacing you know he
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doesn't want to be a nuisance to anyone
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he often apologizes to me and says I
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must have been such a nuisance to you
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I'm so sorry I mean he knows me we might
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not remember anything about me but he
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knows me so he knows what I'm like and
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we're still very much a team I mean it
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sounds odd when we see so little of each
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other but we have very much a team what
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does it mean to you when Deborah comes
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to visit heaven on earth arrives and
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what does it mean to you when Deborah
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can't come and visit well I don't know
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I've never been consciousness ever know
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I don't know what I've been thinking
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when she's not here I'd never seen her
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before
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either know the word yes I've never seen
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any human being since I've bill first
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four people I've seen in or 30 years and
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if you're unconscious you didn't like it
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much do what does being unconscious mean
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same as death no difference in day and
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night no thoughts at all they're not the
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same and what does love mean just
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wearing zero in tennis and everything in
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life hmm
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Clive became ill before he and Deborah
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could start a family but Clive has three
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children from his first marriage
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I thought of my father as a wonderful
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person mostly absent because my parents
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split up when I was very young but when
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I did see him he was always very jolly
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very giving always laughing and we all
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missed him never dared to ask him what
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my name is I don't know if that's my
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fear for him or my fear for myself I've
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never asked him what my name is he knows
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I'm his son and he'll always say you
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should be this tall because he left home
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when I was that tall since his illness
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Clive has auditory hallucinations what I
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struggle with the most is that the
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intellectual Colossus that was my father
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is reduced to making word games out of
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card number plays you know it's just
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there's a tiny fraction of him left now
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[Music]
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20 years ago Clive was a well-known
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musician conductor an early music
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producer for radio 3 he was a very
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charismatic conductor he was working in
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a field that was just cutting new ground
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all the time he would transcribe from
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original manuscripts and recreate the
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music for a particular meal that the
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Duke of Bavaria had with his
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mother-in-law and what they wore and
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what they had to eat and this was the
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music and men he would make a radio
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program took all his energy there wasn't
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much time to sleep there were no
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weekends he poured his whole being into
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his work everybody used to say to him
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Clive slow down he couldn't no one had
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idea that Clive was about to become one
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of the most extreme cases of amnesia in
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the world
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Clive's descent into brain damage came
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frightening Lee quickly one week in
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March 1985 when he came home from work
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looking flushed and feverish on Saturday
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his headache started by Tuesday he was
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no better and he hadn't slept his
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temperature was 102 by Wednesday he was
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very confused and couldn't remember
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Deborah's name his temperature was 104
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doctors came and went and Deborah left
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him sleeping but when she came home
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Clive had disappeared from their flat I
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called his name there was no reply I
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went into the bedroom the bed was empty
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and I knew something terrible had
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happened over the next few hours Deborah
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rang hospitals and police stations
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across London no one had seen Clive sad
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sad we sat and then a man's voice the
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phone rang the man's voice said are you
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mrs. Waring yes
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we've got your husband thank God
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Clive had gone out fully dressed with
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his overcoat and a copy of The Times
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under his arm hailed a cab but couldn't
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remember where he lived he wanted to go
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home and he couldn't remember where he
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lived and the cab driver had dropped him
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at West Ham's a police station and the
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police had chased him by his Barclaycard
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so we got there and we we took him home
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and Clive went to walk past the gate and
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I stopped him and I said no it's here
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and he's it always this way we live and
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I said yes and he didn't recognize the
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building
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two doctors made home visits and
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concluded that Clive was suffering from
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a severe bout of flu that was doing the
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rounds in North London
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but the friday morning he wasn't
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answering me and i picked up one of his
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arms and it was floppy so I rang the
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doctor again I said he's gone
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floppy he's gone floppy get here now and
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the doctor came I took one look alive
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and dialed 999 went out of the front
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door walked down the stairs
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and as he turned the landing he said
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this is the strangest case I've ever
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seen we got to the hospital and I just
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remember going through these clear
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plastic rubber doors they were lack of
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valve and that as those doors flat shut
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behind us you know it was just like our
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life as we knew it was over once Clyde
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was inside some Mary's Hospital the
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doctors fought to halt his fever and
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desperately conducted tests they
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realized that Clive's brain was being
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attacked by the herpes simplex or cold
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sore virus occasionally this virus
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crosses the blood-brain barrier and gets
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into the brain nobody knows why or how
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incredibly rare it happens about it's a
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one-in-a-million chance that it's going
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to happen and it caused an inflammation
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of the brain which was called in careful
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itis from what the doctors said about
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how bad the temperature had been and how
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ill he'd been I was very concerned that
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he wasn't going to live I was I was
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fairly convinced that I'd come to see my
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dad die
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and then he didn't Clive was given a new
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drug called acyclovir it saved his life
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but came too late to prevent brain
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damage the virus had destroyed Clive's
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hippocampus an area of the brain crucial
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for memory and learning leaving him with
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dense amnesia
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how many years of I've email about 20
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about 20 Kenney magistrates have one
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night 20 years long with no dream that's
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what it's been like just like this no
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difference in dead night no thoughts at
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all in that sense been totally painless
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which is not something which is very
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desirable really isn't it's precisely
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like death if we have no spent senses of
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pain you have no sense of any kind
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working either
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I don't remember sitting down on this
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chair for example the city as it is that
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was unknown to me I've never seen a
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human being since I've been that's the
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first photograph I see to anybody and
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who is that face one of my son's I can't
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remember his name
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it's gone last time I knew mr. to school
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that's how many years it's been a few
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years before he would have died from it
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and a few years later they might have
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spotted it quicker or maybe a different
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doctor might have spotted it quicker or
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whatever so it was just on the cusp of
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of that change and when that's you know
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he suffered for that I think in my own
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mind it was the question of is it right
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that he's been ill for so many days and
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how much damage has been done to his
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brain in that time and whether it was
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the right thing or the wrong thing that
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he was treated and everybody fought for
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him as much as they did
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Clive remained it's Mary's pad
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for seven years there was nowhere else
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suitable for him to go his mood swung
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from euphoria to sadness within weeks
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and confusion and despair set in he was
271
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:26,889
in severe shock so he was crying all the
272
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:28,720
time he'd come in and you say oh hi I'm
273
00:15:26,889 --> 00:15:30,850
your son yeah I said I don't recognize
274
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:32,709
you and then he'd be crying again and
275
00:15:30,850 --> 00:15:36,639
you're just stuck in that loop for
276
00:15:32,708 --> 00:15:40,388
months I said Clive can you tell me why
277
00:15:36,639 --> 00:15:43,120
you're crying and he said no and I
278
00:15:40,389 --> 00:15:46,899
handed him a little notepad and a pen
279
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:49,600
and I said can you write it I said just
280
00:15:46,899 --> 00:15:52,600
write quickly why are you crying and he
281
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:55,500
wrote I am completely incapable of
282
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,500
thinking
283
00:16:02,639 --> 00:16:08,819
I don't know he's applied here like
284
00:16:06,990 --> 00:16:11,360
everybody else in the world to do please
285
00:16:08,820 --> 00:16:11,360
please go
286
00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:23,000
these messages were recorded on devvra's
287
00:16:18,389 --> 00:16:23,000
answerphone minutes after she left him
288
00:16:26,149 --> 00:16:31,820
revisited live daily but he couldn't
289
00:16:28,950 --> 00:16:31,820
remember her being
290
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:07,959
first time I've seen a human being every
291
00:17:05,390 --> 00:17:10,640
moment for Clive is the first moment
292
00:17:07,959 --> 00:17:13,190
because the amnesia is rubbing
293
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:15,610
everything out immediately after it
294
00:17:13,190 --> 00:17:17,930
happens not only does he not remember
295
00:17:15,609 --> 00:17:20,289
anything that's happened to him since he
296
00:17:17,930 --> 00:17:23,209
was ill he doesn't remember anything
297
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:27,289
that's ever happened to him in the whole
298
00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:30,950
of his life he knows about things he
299
00:17:27,289 --> 00:17:34,940
knows that he worked for the BBC but he
300
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:38,120
does not have any events in his mind
301
00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:40,850
that he can bring to his mind's eye he
302
00:17:38,119 --> 00:17:54,889
knows that we are married he does not
303
00:17:40,849 --> 00:17:57,319
remember the wedding just 7:16 a.m.
304
00:17:54,890 --> 00:17:59,800
first acts for government or what I'm
305
00:17:57,319 --> 00:17:59,799
doing
306
00:18:13,769 --> 00:18:21,279
first re-entry I've made consciously
307
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:23,500
Clive keeps a diary everyday and has
308
00:18:21,279 --> 00:18:26,200
done for 20 years in an effort to make
309
00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:27,910
sense of his life he writes multiple
310
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:33,100
entries recording his last conscious
311
00:18:27,910 --> 00:18:35,730
moment he would look at his watch to see
312
00:18:33,099 --> 00:18:39,759
what time was this momentous event
313
00:18:35,730 --> 00:18:42,490
occurring a first consciousness and so
314
00:18:39,759 --> 00:18:47,619
he would write down 1006 awake first
315
00:18:42,490 --> 00:18:51,069
time and then had the same sensation in
316
00:18:47,619 --> 00:18:56,019
but 1007 awake first time truly awake
317
00:18:51,069 --> 00:18:58,119
first time ignore the last entry now I'm
318
00:18:56,019 --> 00:19:02,170
awake this is the first real awakeness
319
00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:08,309
and so the the diaries are line by line
320
00:19:02,170 --> 00:19:11,860
a succession of astonished awakenings
321
00:19:08,309 --> 00:19:17,379
that's 1990 when he'd been suffering
322
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:21,939
amnesia for just five years and this is
323
00:19:17,380 --> 00:19:26,320
the effect on him seven years on but you
324
00:19:21,940 --> 00:19:29,950
can see that he's by no means resolved
325
00:19:26,319 --> 00:19:34,329
his anguish by no means he writes the
326
00:19:29,950 --> 00:19:37,840
time now in big in a big hand and a tick
327
00:19:34,329 --> 00:19:39,429
a tick to say yes that's authentic I I
328
00:19:37,839 --> 00:19:42,339
wrote that it's authentic that's
329
00:19:39,430 --> 00:19:45,039
definitely me awake he has to then cross
330
00:19:42,339 --> 00:19:47,109
through the previous ticks and do a new
331
00:19:45,039 --> 00:19:48,879
tick with a circle around it to say this
332
00:19:47,109 --> 00:19:51,429
is the real one and that wasn't the real
333
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:54,360
one next time he comes back and so on so
334
00:19:51,430 --> 00:19:57,490
there's a constant desperate series a
335
00:19:54,359 --> 00:20:00,639
scrubbing out all the previous entries
336
00:19:57,490 --> 00:20:04,180
and saying now I'm awake now I'm awake
337
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:06,790
and the pencils just become blurred and
338
00:20:04,180 --> 00:20:08,890
it goes on and it's so thick the pencil
339
00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:12,700
it's almost as if he's using the pencil
340
00:20:08,890 --> 00:20:16,030
to dig himself into back into time to
341
00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:18,880
try to fix himself in a continuum to
342
00:20:16,029 --> 00:20:21,099
have more than one moment at a time but
343
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:23,750
he never can
344
00:20:21,099 --> 00:20:24,889
people's and triplets Aria rubbish what
345
00:20:23,750 --> 00:20:27,079
does that mean
346
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:28,670
did you write that I've no consciousness
347
00:20:27,079 --> 00:20:30,199
consciousness
348
00:20:28,670 --> 00:20:32,330
oh she ain't mean no for the first time
349
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:34,009
is it your handwriting yes I know
350
00:20:32,329 --> 00:20:36,439
nothing about it at all so how do you
351
00:20:34,009 --> 00:20:38,089
think it got there I did deserve a
352
00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:41,240
daughter don't know but you must know I
353
00:20:38,089 --> 00:20:42,889
haven't seen the book of total now no no
354
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:45,500
that's mean that means I haven't seen it
355
00:20:42,890 --> 00:20:46,910
I have no noise over at all that's all
356
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:48,950
there's no knowledge of that book the
357
00:20:46,910 --> 00:20:53,509
what it's entirely new to me but you put
358
00:20:48,950 --> 00:20:55,160
I don't know but no no no no just don't
359
00:20:53,509 --> 00:21:05,480
say anything
360
00:20:55,160 --> 00:21:07,220
we'll use your intelligence the doctors
361
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:10,370
don't know why Clive's aggressive
362
00:21:07,220 --> 00:21:13,589
outbursts have gradually stopped
363
00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:13,589
[Music]
364
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:43,830
that's at least an hour a tradition our
365
00:21:26,430 --> 00:21:48,029
three minute Saturdays yeah first time
366
00:21:43,829 --> 00:22:03,689
I've seen my writing I see my room first
367
00:21:48,029 --> 00:22:10,109
time see human beans in fact it says
368
00:22:03,690 --> 00:22:12,750
you're here that you sure hates coffee
369
00:22:10,109 --> 00:22:14,939
drinking three minutes past 10:00
370
00:22:12,750 --> 00:22:17,250
that was unknown to me I've never seen
371
00:22:14,940 --> 00:22:19,910
anyone except you or three people she
372
00:22:17,250 --> 00:22:19,910
may know one lady
373
00:22:25,660 --> 00:22:33,110
Clive's condition was hard for Deborah
374
00:22:28,490 --> 00:22:35,630
to bear you asked me when did I decide
375
00:22:33,109 --> 00:22:39,289
to divorce him and when did I decide to
376
00:22:35,630 --> 00:22:40,510
leave it wasn't really a decision it was
377
00:22:39,289 --> 00:22:43,819
an imperative
378
00:22:40,509 --> 00:22:47,900
there was no way hey any human being
379
00:22:43,819 --> 00:22:50,659
could continue in that way we had the
380
00:22:47,900 --> 00:22:53,060
same dialogue in a loop tape repeated
381
00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:54,980
verbatim with the same inflection the
382
00:22:53,059 --> 00:23:00,980
same tone the voice the same expression
383
00:22:54,980 --> 00:23:02,839
on the face for well nine that the whole
384
00:23:00,980 --> 00:23:05,599
nine years until I left and we were
385
00:23:02,839 --> 00:23:12,500
still having that conversation as I was
386
00:23:05,599 --> 00:23:14,719
backing out of the room Clive became ill
387
00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:17,720
and hospitalized only 18 months after
388
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:19,940
marrying Deborah three years after the
389
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:23,569
virus attacked his brain the strain on
390
00:23:19,940 --> 00:23:26,320
their lives was beginning to show it's
391
00:23:23,569 --> 00:23:27,500
like being a wife and Widow
392
00:23:26,319 --> 00:23:30,980
simultaneously
393
00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:34,869
I lost Clive or most of Clive three
394
00:23:30,980 --> 00:23:40,339
years ago because without consciousness
395
00:23:34,869 --> 00:23:42,469
he's in many senses dead to ease her
396
00:23:40,339 --> 00:23:44,089
pain Deborah campaigned for seven years
397
00:23:42,470 --> 00:23:46,519
to find Clive a secure and permanent
398
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:50,629
home with around-the-clock care that he
399
00:23:46,519 --> 00:23:54,759
needed in 1992 he was finally moved to a
400
00:23:50,630 --> 00:23:57,470
new specialist brain unit outside London
401
00:23:54,759 --> 00:23:59,779
Deborah's mission was accomplished but
402
00:23:57,470 --> 00:24:03,220
she had exhausted herself and Clive was
403
00:23:59,779 --> 00:24:05,809
increasingly having fits in her presence
404
00:24:03,220 --> 00:24:08,630
with no hope of living together again
405
00:24:05,809 --> 00:24:09,649
Deborah divorced Clive and flew to
406
00:24:08,630 --> 00:24:14,750
America
407
00:24:09,650 --> 00:24:16,550
I was in my mid 30s I wanted kids I
408
00:24:14,750 --> 00:24:18,440
didn't want to be on my own all the time
409
00:24:16,549 --> 00:24:20,569
it was very lonely and I thought maybe
410
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:23,150
having a relationship with somebody else
411
00:24:20,569 --> 00:24:29,119
having kids would help to heal the pain
412
00:24:23,150 --> 00:24:30,920
I rang him up to say hello darling I've
413
00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:32,149
arrived although of course he didn't
414
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:33,769
know I'd left because he didn't know I'd
415
00:24:32,150 --> 00:24:35,390
ever been there and it didn't really
416
00:24:33,769 --> 00:24:36,829
make any difference where I was he
417
00:24:35,390 --> 00:24:41,750
didn't matter where I was in London or
418
00:24:36,829 --> 00:24:44,079
New York or Timbuktu I tended to fall
419
00:24:41,750 --> 00:24:49,160
for jested completely impossible people
420
00:24:44,079 --> 00:24:51,919
who are all artists of some kind and as
421
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:54,200
soon as I came became close to anybody
422
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:59,440
and had conversations with them you know
423
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:59,440
the relationship just dissolve because
424
00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:06,950
they weren't lying facing me I was
425
00:25:05,809 --> 00:25:11,389
looking for Clive
426
00:25:06,950 --> 00:25:14,720
I guess did he ever ask you when you
427
00:25:11,390 --> 00:25:15,650
were coming home no did he ever ask you
428
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:20,120
what you were doing
429
00:25:15,650 --> 00:25:24,440
no he showed no curiosity he just wants
430
00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:25,819
to let me know that he was awake he'd
431
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:30,440
say hey tee
432
00:25:25,819 --> 00:25:33,980
when are you coming and I'd say as soon
433
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:35,809
as I can and then he'd say oh please
434
00:25:33,980 --> 00:25:39,819
come at the speed of light come at the
435
00:25:35,809 --> 00:25:42,668
speed of light come by helicopter
436
00:25:39,819 --> 00:25:46,720
[Music]
437
00:25:42,669 --> 00:25:49,759
in 1996 Deborah had to make a choice
438
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:52,259
whether to remain in America and apply
439
00:25:49,759 --> 00:25:54,308
for permanent residency and a green card
440
00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:57,710
[Music]
441
00:25:54,308 --> 00:26:01,339
she returned to the UK drawn back to
442
00:25:57,710 --> 00:26:03,370
Clive she settled in Nottingham working
443
00:26:01,339 --> 00:26:07,418
for the brain injury charity headway
444
00:26:03,369 --> 00:26:07,418
Deborah had come full circle
445
00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:14,170
and I came back still not knowing how to
446
00:26:11,140 --> 00:26:16,690
live star with a huge emptiness the
447
00:26:14,170 --> 00:26:18,120
great sucking emptiness inside that
448
00:26:16,690 --> 00:26:20,769
could never be filled
449
00:26:18,119 --> 00:26:22,989
still with a sense of needing to go home
450
00:26:20,769 --> 00:26:24,819
but not have you know where's home
451
00:26:22,990 --> 00:26:26,269
because home was where he was but I
452
00:26:24,819 --> 00:26:32,858
couldn't be with him
453
00:26:26,269 --> 00:26:32,858
[Music]
454
00:26:33,950 --> 00:26:37,789
I was just going round and ever
455
00:26:35,839 --> 00:26:41,720
decreasing circles that it was the same
456
00:26:37,789 --> 00:26:43,960
was more of the same I'd reached really
457
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:47,180
the end of my tether and I rang a friend
458
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:50,390
and I asked her to pray for me she was
459
00:26:47,180 --> 00:26:52,640
the only Christian I knew and as she was
460
00:26:50,390 --> 00:26:57,710
whispering away to God and I just felt
461
00:26:52,640 --> 00:27:02,140
this extraordinary power coming into me
462
00:26:57,710 --> 00:27:06,799
and I knew that God was in my room I
463
00:27:02,140 --> 00:27:12,380
just had this incredible sense that I
464
00:27:06,799 --> 00:27:14,210
was really really loved I mean so loved
465
00:27:12,380 --> 00:27:17,680
and that emptiness that I had been
466
00:27:14,210 --> 00:27:21,890
trying to fill all those years with
467
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:27,940
relationships with food with alcohol I
468
00:27:21,890 --> 00:27:27,940
was filled that emptiness was gone
469
00:27:30,549 --> 00:27:44,649
[Music]
470
00:27:35,420 --> 00:27:44,650
oh Jesus
471
00:27:48,099 --> 00:27:52,730
Clive is visiting some Ethel greatest
472
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:54,850
church in London for the first time
473
00:27:52,730 --> 00:28:02,329
since he recorded a concert there in
474
00:27:54,849 --> 00:28:04,159
1982 she music to have the acoustic of
475
00:28:02,329 --> 00:28:06,889
the just uses quite unlike that of a
476
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:09,680
concert hall yes there's lots of echoes
477
00:28:06,890 --> 00:28:10,250
and long reverberation it's very special
478
00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:14,480
in that way
479
00:28:10,250 --> 00:28:17,539
listen see how quiet it is to some music
480
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:21,170
in the distance I remember last time we
481
00:28:17,539 --> 00:28:24,200
were here you were conducting the lasas
482
00:28:21,170 --> 00:28:27,320
Requiem mhm and it was for the the
483
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:31,539
lastest international Lassus festival
484
00:28:27,319 --> 00:28:34,039
that you put on and you came in here and
485
00:28:31,539 --> 00:28:35,359
none of the pews were here and you used
486
00:28:34,039 --> 00:28:39,139
the whole building
487
00:28:35,359 --> 00:28:43,179
hakushi you had it was far from a
488
00:28:39,140 --> 00:28:48,380
concert he was actually a celebration of
489
00:28:43,180 --> 00:28:50,630
the mass as if lasses had just died it
490
00:28:48,380 --> 00:28:53,240
was extraordinary and it was so moving
491
00:28:50,630 --> 00:28:57,070
that there were people here we were
492
00:28:53,240 --> 00:29:01,339
crying yes and it was broadcast live to
493
00:28:57,069 --> 00:29:04,399
five countries and you were directing it
494
00:29:01,339 --> 00:29:12,319
and it was so moving it was so moving
495
00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:14,630
that everyone was in tears that's how
496
00:29:12,319 --> 00:29:16,730
good he is how good its director and
497
00:29:14,630 --> 00:29:20,180
musical director you oh it was just live
498
00:29:16,730 --> 00:29:21,410
and you gave the audience whether they
499
00:29:20,180 --> 00:29:23,000
were sitting at home listening to the
500
00:29:21,410 --> 00:29:25,340
radio or whether they were walking
501
00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:27,319
around here in the dark with candlelight
502
00:29:25,339 --> 00:29:31,490
flickering you gave them an experience
503
00:29:27,319 --> 00:29:33,409
of something deep and profound and
504
00:29:31,490 --> 00:29:34,549
spiritual and they went away after your
505
00:29:33,410 --> 00:29:36,610
concerts and they were never the same
506
00:29:34,549 --> 00:29:36,609
again
507
00:29:38,210 --> 00:29:45,769
you say that I think that you said I
508
00:29:43,190 --> 00:29:59,519
love this
509
00:29:45,769 --> 00:29:59,519
[Music]
510
00:30:10,430 --> 00:30:13,609
[Music]
511
00:30:13,710 --> 00:30:19,108
save a car driver double CD find wearing
512
00:30:19,769 --> 00:30:25,579
Clive makes phrases out of the letters
513
00:30:22,450 --> 00:30:36,890
on car number plates as they flash past
514
00:30:25,579 --> 00:30:36,889
[Music]
515
00:30:39,339 --> 00:30:51,259
guess what my job is
516
00:30:41,329 --> 00:30:54,099
Henry United Nations PR wow that's
517
00:30:51,259 --> 00:31:10,119
amazing yeah I do
518
00:30:54,099 --> 00:31:22,519
that's very clever you astound me
519
00:31:10,119 --> 00:31:35,599
sometimes you take my breath away do you
520
00:31:22,519 --> 00:31:47,720
know what I do for a living yes can you
521
00:31:35,599 --> 00:31:49,029
see me doing meaningful stuff oh that's
522
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:52,339
an exciting Black's
523
00:31:49,029 --> 00:31:57,470
nurtured a caesarian all the different
524
00:31:52,339 --> 00:31:57,470
[Music]
525
00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:03,940
Debra renewed her marriage vows with
526
00:32:01,869 --> 00:32:24,398
Clive three years ago although they'll
527
00:32:03,940 --> 00:32:26,610
always have to live apart I never seen
528
00:32:24,398 --> 00:32:31,689
it before
529
00:32:26,609 --> 00:32:38,528
hello hello is heaven oh hello is very
530
00:32:31,690 --> 00:32:40,409
hello it's not familiar then where do
531
00:32:38,528 --> 00:32:44,798
you think it is
532
00:32:40,409 --> 00:32:47,409
guess where it could be anywhere do you
533
00:32:44,798 --> 00:32:50,099
think there's anyone that do you think
534
00:32:47,409 --> 00:32:50,100
you've ever been here before
535
00:32:52,769 --> 00:32:59,138
there's my initials backwards WDC what
536
00:32:57,970 --> 00:33:06,278
do you think we'll find when we listen
537
00:32:59,138 --> 00:33:08,849
alcohol let's hope what do you think
538
00:33:06,278 --> 00:33:13,538
life's been like for your father hell I
539
00:33:08,849 --> 00:33:17,288
can't imagine anything worse must be
540
00:33:13,538 --> 00:33:18,908
really frightening to be constantly
541
00:33:17,288 --> 00:33:23,950
waking up to something that you don't
542
00:33:18,909 --> 00:33:27,909
recognize you know every 7 seconds or
543
00:33:23,950 --> 00:33:30,819
however however long that he's he can
544
00:33:27,909 --> 00:33:34,028
remember anything for to turn around and
545
00:33:30,819 --> 00:33:35,798
where am I and you do it again and you
546
00:33:34,028 --> 00:33:37,898
don't know where you are I can't imagine
547
00:33:35,798 --> 00:33:43,079
a thing more frightening must be like a
548
00:33:37,898 --> 00:33:43,079
nightmare really must
549
00:33:54,019 --> 00:34:08,780
[Music]
550
00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:14,210
Debra is planning a momentous trip for
551
00:34:08,780 --> 00:34:15,650
Clive best pub in the country you could
552
00:34:14,210 --> 00:34:18,130
go anywhere where would you like to go
553
00:34:15,650 --> 00:34:18,130
yeah
554
00:34:23,690 --> 00:34:40,099
yesterday home is yesterday next Tuesday
555
00:34:35,659 --> 00:34:44,119
are we going I live in Redding I see
556
00:34:40,099 --> 00:34:47,269
yeah do you think you've ever been to
557
00:34:44,119 --> 00:34:49,400
mating yes I have been yes I've been
558
00:34:47,269 --> 00:34:51,349
going every season I suppose you could
559
00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:51,740
have gone when Howard was studying them
560
00:34:51,349 --> 00:34:53,750
hmm
561
00:34:51,739 --> 00:34:56,719
yeah I didn't know you'd ever been there
562
00:34:53,750 --> 00:34:58,340
never mentioned reading no it's not been
563
00:34:56,719 --> 00:35:06,199
custom designed a memory game
564
00:34:58,340 --> 00:35:08,360
yeah not a very interesting place No can
565
00:35:06,199 --> 00:35:10,399
you name a town in Berkshire I can't I
566
00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:15,590
can't no door do you know where I live
567
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:17,329
no guess I'm nine kids with are no I
568
00:35:15,590 --> 00:35:21,340
know reading oh really
569
00:35:17,329 --> 00:35:21,340
yeah spelt wrong actually reading
570
00:35:23,050 --> 00:35:27,570
clive is going home for the first time
571
00:35:25,969 --> 00:35:30,808
in 13 years
572
00:35:27,570 --> 00:35:30,809
[Music]
573
00:35:32,349 --> 00:35:38,800
remember the number plate here in 9 for
574
00:35:35,179 --> 00:35:41,419
1 year and 9 for 1 back of another car
575
00:35:38,800 --> 00:35:47,329
remember the phone number when your
576
00:35:41,420 --> 00:35:49,460
invoice we want search for remarkably
577
00:35:47,329 --> 00:35:52,160
Clive can still recall details from his
578
00:35:49,460 --> 00:35:58,280
childhood numbers embedded in his memory
579
00:35:52,159 --> 00:36:00,649
before he became ill there's another
580
00:35:58,280 --> 00:36:03,170
guest expected for lunch Clive's
581
00:36:00,650 --> 00:36:06,588
youngest son Edmund who has not seen his
582
00:36:03,170 --> 00:36:07,960
father for 7 years things that I used to
583
00:36:06,588 --> 00:36:11,150
do with my father
584
00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:14,449
always revolved around his work it was
585
00:36:11,150 --> 00:36:15,920
weird be either going to see getting to
586
00:36:14,449 --> 00:36:18,949
places such as the British Museum for
587
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:21,380
his research or we'd be going to concert
588
00:36:18,949 --> 00:36:24,169
venues or recording venues we would
589
00:36:21,380 --> 00:36:25,579
often end up in churches and you could
590
00:36:24,170 --> 00:36:27,800
walk into a church or a cathedral
591
00:36:25,579 --> 00:36:28,099
anywhere in Europe and read it like a
592
00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:30,470
book
593
00:36:28,099 --> 00:36:34,460
he had a vast amount of knowledge and
594
00:36:30,469 --> 00:36:42,259
that has just been wiped out it's been a
595
00:36:34,460 --> 00:36:45,050
difficult time seconds before Edmunds
596
00:36:42,260 --> 00:37:04,420
arrival Deborah has Prime Clive to
597
00:36:45,050 --> 00:37:04,420
expect him for that lovely wife of yours
598
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:22,159
what does normality feel like to you
599
00:37:17,869 --> 00:37:26,150
know great luxury and something that you
600
00:37:22,159 --> 00:37:28,429
know to be really values and appreciate
601
00:37:26,150 --> 00:37:32,289
it's very precious we haven't had a
602
00:37:28,429 --> 00:37:32,289
family meal for 20 years
603
00:37:36,730 --> 00:37:43,730
tipper what will this day mean to climb
604
00:37:39,670 --> 00:37:45,889
nothing nothing in his conscious memory
605
00:37:43,730 --> 00:37:48,409
I mean even while he's in here he
606
00:37:45,889 --> 00:37:49,969
doesn't know we're here and when he's in
607
00:37:48,409 --> 00:37:52,159
the car he won't know we've been here
608
00:37:49,969 --> 00:37:54,259
and he won't remember anything of it you
609
00:37:52,159 --> 00:37:56,710
know he doesn't remember anything that's
610
00:37:54,260 --> 00:37:59,090
ever happened in the last 20 years ever
611
00:37:56,710 --> 00:38:01,490
what do you say to Clive when he gets
612
00:37:59,090 --> 00:38:02,329
confused and disorientated how do you
613
00:38:01,489 --> 00:38:05,750
deal with that
614
00:38:02,329 --> 00:38:08,119
but he's disoriented all the time it
615
00:38:05,750 --> 00:38:10,579
doesn't matter because we don't need to
616
00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:13,550
be in time we don't need to be in any
617
00:38:10,579 --> 00:38:16,219
particular place it's worse we're in we
618
00:38:13,550 --> 00:38:19,700
were on another plane Clive and I we
619
00:38:16,219 --> 00:38:23,629
were we're in a world where there is no
620
00:38:19,699 --> 00:38:27,169
time after four hours Debra has to take
621
00:38:23,630 --> 00:38:33,920
Clive back to the brain injury unit well
622
00:38:27,170 --> 00:38:35,980
I don't really want to answer that thank
623
00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:35,980
you
624
00:38:49,088 --> 00:38:55,779
I was just wondering how the day had
625
00:38:53,750 --> 00:38:55,780
been
626
00:39:00,559 --> 00:39:06,180
well it's just so sad but it's not you
627
00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:19,740
know that's not our reality and it's
628
00:39:06,179 --> 00:39:25,139
just so sad and why have you stayed away
629
00:39:19,739 --> 00:39:28,139
for seven years it's too painful was it
630
00:39:25,139 --> 00:39:32,639
easier to stay away oh yeah yeah it was
631
00:39:28,139 --> 00:39:34,730
the easy way out they didn't seem any
632
00:39:32,639 --> 00:39:37,348
point either because he didn't remember
633
00:39:34,730 --> 00:39:38,760
he'd write it in his diary but it turned
634
00:39:37,349 --> 00:39:44,190
over the page and start writing the next
635
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:45,539
day did you know who you were more or
636
00:39:44,190 --> 00:39:49,679
less he needed to sometimes he'd need a
637
00:39:45,539 --> 00:39:51,599
bit of prompting he's got a quick mind
638
00:39:49,679 --> 00:39:55,230
if friends came up that he didn't
639
00:39:51,599 --> 00:39:56,910
recognize and he understood that he was
640
00:39:55,230 --> 00:40:00,240
supposed to recognize these people
641
00:39:56,909 --> 00:40:03,659
then he would greet them like long-lost
642
00:40:00,239 --> 00:40:06,288
friends and he'd work on on that until
643
00:40:03,659 --> 00:40:08,519
somebody told him what he needed to know
644
00:40:06,289 --> 00:40:11,730
it was always a difficult man to fool
645
00:40:08,519 --> 00:40:13,259
you know and those were the things you
646
00:40:11,730 --> 00:40:14,940
know that I was always pleased to see
647
00:40:13,260 --> 00:40:18,349
because I knew that his mind was working
648
00:40:14,940 --> 00:40:22,940
overtime and I knew that that was him
649
00:40:18,349 --> 00:40:22,940
having that it's just a shadow
650
00:40:30,590 --> 00:40:36,200
today clive sister Adele has come to see
651
00:40:33,989 --> 00:40:36,199
him
652
00:40:39,730 --> 00:40:43,510
and I used to take his children to see
653
00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:46,089
him but he used to get pretty aggressive
654
00:40:43,510 --> 00:40:47,470
if he was very angry you know there was
655
00:40:46,088 --> 00:40:47,799
one occasion when I went to see him on
656
00:40:47,469 --> 00:40:50,730
my own
657
00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:54,609
and he he just when I said who I was he
658
00:40:50,730 --> 00:40:57,280
attacked me almost you know grabbed hold
659
00:40:54,608 --> 00:41:00,489
of me very aggressively and the staff
660
00:40:57,280 --> 00:41:02,740
came in and sort of calmed it down but
661
00:41:00,489 --> 00:41:06,029
he'd remembered me when I was younger he
662
00:41:02,739 --> 00:41:06,029
just said no you know you're too old
663
00:41:07,980 --> 00:41:23,260
like when how old do you think and he
664
00:41:20,679 --> 00:41:30,608
went off to see when he was 15 years I
665
00:41:23,260 --> 00:41:32,560
went to the Merchant Navy yeah I used to
666
00:41:30,608 --> 00:41:37,150
go and visit him and it's just so
667
00:41:32,559 --> 00:41:39,639
difficult and and not easy to talk to
668
00:41:37,150 --> 00:41:40,990
him at all my husband had got no
669
00:41:39,639 --> 00:41:44,139
connection with him found it much easier
670
00:41:40,989 --> 00:41:46,479
he could talk about things that totally
671
00:41:44,139 --> 00:41:48,608
irrelevant and quite happily carrying on
672
00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:50,199
a conversation with him but I always
673
00:41:48,608 --> 00:41:52,469
found that extremely difficult thing to
674
00:41:50,199 --> 00:41:52,469
do
675
00:42:19,650 --> 00:42:26,349
do you remember Adele sitting next to me
676
00:42:24,119 --> 00:42:29,730
can you remember what she was wearing
677
00:42:26,349 --> 00:42:29,730
I never seen
678
00:42:33,519 --> 00:42:38,750
no such human beings I've seen three of
679
00:42:36,199 --> 00:42:41,809
it two men and one lady the first piece
680
00:42:38,750 --> 00:42:43,489
people I've seen since I don't know no
681
00:42:41,809 --> 00:42:46,670
difference in day and night no thoughts
682
00:42:43,489 --> 00:42:53,929
at all no dreams day and night that same
683
00:42:46,670 --> 00:42:57,050
blank precise like death is it very hard
684
00:42:53,929 --> 00:42:59,799
no exactly the same as being dead which
685
00:42:57,050 --> 00:43:02,090
is not difficult was it we did it's easy
686
00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:08,090
you don't do anything at all
687
00:43:02,090 --> 00:43:15,440
you can't do it you're dead it's been
688
00:43:08,090 --> 00:43:18,140
the same exactly yes I've never been
689
00:43:15,440 --> 00:43:21,440
conscious to think that so I've never
690
00:43:18,139 --> 00:43:25,460
been bored or upset no be anything same
691
00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:29,690
as death no dreams even day and night
692
00:43:25,460 --> 00:43:32,150
the same when you miss your old life you
693
00:43:29,690 --> 00:43:39,050
say yes I miss my old life what do you
694
00:43:32,150 --> 00:43:40,369
miss as a musician and in love you'll
695
00:43:39,050 --> 00:43:41,900
say things like do you know what it's
696
00:43:40,369 --> 00:43:43,849
like and that's really dangerous because
697
00:43:41,900 --> 00:43:46,059
if you actually did I said yes so at
698
00:43:43,849 --> 00:43:49,400
once because I was just saying yesterday
699
00:43:46,059 --> 00:43:52,849
that was disastrous yeah and then I said
700
00:43:49,400 --> 00:43:54,170
that again scene why because he says you
701
00:43:52,849 --> 00:43:56,239
don't know what it's like how do you
702
00:43:54,170 --> 00:43:58,039
know because he's right isn't he
703
00:43:56,239 --> 00:44:00,919
yes there's no way you're gonna know
704
00:43:58,039 --> 00:44:03,289
what it's like he still got some fight
705
00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:06,800
in him oh yeah yeah but that's the thing
706
00:44:03,289 --> 00:44:08,599
is probably 3/4 of his personalities
707
00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:10,940
still they're functioning normally
708
00:44:08,599 --> 00:44:12,409
he will analyse what's happened he said
709
00:44:10,940 --> 00:44:14,059
well the doctors must be very interested
710
00:44:12,409 --> 00:44:16,250
in this you know it's very unusual case
711
00:44:14,059 --> 00:44:17,690
he worked it all out over and over again
712
00:44:16,250 --> 00:44:20,860
because he doesn't really remember that
713
00:44:17,690 --> 00:44:20,860
he worked it out an hour ago
714
00:44:24,860 --> 00:44:29,039
[Music]
715
00:44:35,519 --> 00:44:42,300
Deborah's done more for dad than any
716
00:44:37,690 --> 00:44:45,840
other single person I very much doubt
717
00:44:42,300 --> 00:44:51,940
that I could have done that for him and
718
00:44:45,840 --> 00:44:58,120
that's hard that's very hard I think I'd
719
00:44:51,940 --> 00:45:00,670
have given up I wouldn't like to say
720
00:44:58,119 --> 00:45:05,619
what it was I really can't remember it's
721
00:45:00,670 --> 00:45:08,260
too hard I wanted him to walk without
722
00:45:05,619 --> 00:45:14,889
the aisle when I got married and he
723
00:45:08,260 --> 00:45:19,690
couldn't I wanted him to know that I'd
724
00:45:14,889 --> 00:45:28,210
had his grandchildren but he couldn't so
725
00:45:19,690 --> 00:45:33,599
he's he's a lovely person he's he's
726
00:45:28,210 --> 00:45:33,599
Clive now that's gone
727
00:45:48,739 --> 00:45:53,459
considering he's still one of the most
728
00:45:51,809 --> 00:45:57,389
I'm needed people in the world
729
00:45:53,460 --> 00:45:59,130
he's pretty peaceful considering he
730
00:45:57,389 --> 00:46:03,269
doesn't know where he is or what century
731
00:45:59,130 --> 00:46:06,050
it is oh well what time he got up that
732
00:46:03,269 --> 00:46:08,179
morning or all that he's in a place
733
00:46:06,050 --> 00:46:11,310
where he lives
734
00:46:08,179 --> 00:46:15,409
considering all of that his state of
735
00:46:11,309 --> 00:46:20,130
mind is extraordinarily calm happy
736
00:46:15,409 --> 00:46:25,859
content and very much himself he's
737
00:46:20,130 --> 00:46:27,930
himself if you could do anything now if
738
00:46:25,860 --> 00:46:30,059
you had free choice what would you do
739
00:46:27,929 --> 00:46:38,129
next I would Jim
740
00:46:30,059 --> 00:46:42,029
Tomica cigarette then of course waiting
741
00:46:38,130 --> 00:46:44,480
for time to allude and disappear and her
742
00:46:42,030 --> 00:46:44,480
arrival
743
00:46:45,210 --> 00:47:01,449
[Music]
744
00:47:02,989 --> 00:47:05,049
you
745
00:47:11,630 --> 00:47:13,690
you
86969
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