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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,470 [Music] 2 00:00:05,799 --> 00:00:12,370 Clive wearing has one of the worst cases 3 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:12,369 of amnesia in the world 4 00:00:12,830 --> 00:00:23,449 I know it's like we did now day or night 5 00:00:20,899 --> 00:00:26,179 same thing no difference between dreams 6 00:00:23,449 --> 00:00:28,429 and no sense at all a brain has been 7 00:00:26,179 --> 00:00:31,910 totally inactive no dreams and no 8 00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:33,859 thoughts of any kind whatever Clive was 9 00:00:31,910 --> 00:00:36,289 a renowned conductor living in London 10 00:00:33,859 --> 00:00:39,679 when he was struck down by a virus in 11 00:00:36,289 --> 00:00:42,439 1985 parts of his brain were completely 12 00:00:39,679 --> 00:00:45,878 destroyed including his memory however 13 00:00:42,439 --> 00:00:48,079 his ability to play music is unaffected 14 00:00:45,878 --> 00:00:51,439 do you feel different when you play 15 00:00:48,079 --> 00:00:55,100 music no I didn't always like to play 16 00:00:51,439 --> 00:00:57,079 with you they are unconscious you played 17 00:00:55,100 --> 00:01:02,920 us some music about two minutes ago not 18 00:00:57,079 --> 00:01:02,920 known to me I never heard him knows you 19 00:01:04,849 --> 00:01:09,199 Clive's case became known to millions 20 00:01:07,010 --> 00:01:14,030 when a television documentary was made 21 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:16,850 about him in 1986 alone and Confused in 22 00:01:14,030 --> 00:01:19,099 hospital without his memory the only 23 00:01:16,849 --> 00:01:26,060 person he recognized was his wife 24 00:01:19,099 --> 00:01:27,169 Deborah I faked consciousness first I 25 00:01:26,060 --> 00:01:28,250 just want to find out the play how 26 00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:30,579 they've been doing what's being wrong 27 00:01:28,250 --> 00:01:30,579 with me 28 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:40,219 20 years later clive only has a 29 00:01:37,868 --> 00:01:43,159 seven-second memory before his mind goes 30 00:01:40,219 --> 00:01:46,509 blank what has life been like for Clive 31 00:01:43,159 --> 00:01:46,509 and his family 32 00:01:47,859 --> 00:01:54,739 [Music] 33 00:01:54,879 --> 00:01:59,780 do you know that we're making a film 34 00:01:57,049 --> 00:02:04,118 about you know what's news to me 35 00:01:59,780 --> 00:02:04,118 you're being filmed for television press 36 00:02:06,188 --> 00:02:10,840 of course because you're very famous 37 00:02:14,650 --> 00:02:20,709 about 20 years ago a film was made about 38 00:02:17,870 --> 00:02:23,590 you oh yeah just after you became ill 39 00:02:20,709 --> 00:02:26,180 called a prisoner of consciousness and 40 00:02:23,590 --> 00:02:29,060 20 years on we're making a new film 41 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:30,680 about you because millions of people 42 00:02:29,060 --> 00:02:33,469 watched the film and wanted to know how 43 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:44,689 you were good heavens so millions of 44 00:02:33,469 --> 00:02:48,409 people know you we've been coming to see 45 00:02:44,689 --> 00:03:01,909 you for several weeks see very paid to 46 00:02:48,409 --> 00:03:04,489 come here thankfully we are live is 67 47 00:03:01,909 --> 00:03:07,750 and lives in a brain injury unit where 48 00:03:04,489 --> 00:03:07,750 he's under constant supervision 49 00:03:10,098 --> 00:03:16,199 his wife Deborah lives 85 miles away in 50 00:03:13,650 --> 00:03:17,998 Redding his illness has made it 51 00:03:16,199 --> 00:03:33,539 impossible for them to live together for 52 00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:38,968 20 years if Clive went out of the front 53 00:03:33,539 --> 00:03:41,938 door unsupervised unaccompanied he would 54 00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:44,370 have it would be like being separated 55 00:03:41,938 --> 00:03:46,590 from a spaceship it would be like if he 56 00:03:44,370 --> 00:03:49,879 was space walking and the rope broke he 57 00:03:46,590 --> 00:03:53,489 would have no way of getting back ever 58 00:03:49,878 --> 00:03:56,938 it does Clive know his name yes does he 59 00:03:53,489 --> 00:03:59,549 never old hears no does he know where 60 00:03:56,938 --> 00:04:01,378 you live no no I do does he know your 61 00:03:59,549 --> 00:04:04,980 job no no idea 62 00:04:01,378 --> 00:04:08,429 does he know the day of the week no does 63 00:04:04,979 --> 00:04:11,098 he know the date yeah can you read a 64 00:04:08,430 --> 00:04:13,439 book no because he can't remember the 65 00:04:11,098 --> 00:04:16,500 sentence before last can you watch her 66 00:04:13,438 --> 00:04:19,228 film no he'll watch the rugby or he'll 67 00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:20,548 watch the crickets he oh he won't know 68 00:04:19,228 --> 00:04:24,449 who's playing what the score is 69 00:04:20,548 --> 00:04:27,560 but each stroke and each try is 70 00:04:24,449 --> 00:04:35,379 satisfying for him to watch 71 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:39,379 [Music] 72 00:04:35,379 --> 00:04:40,879 clive now has islands of memory just as 73 00:04:39,379 --> 00:04:42,699 we can ride a bike or drive a car 74 00:04:40,879 --> 00:04:45,080 without remembering how we were taught 75 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:47,718 clive can play and respond to music 76 00:04:45,079 --> 00:04:50,060 because his innate musical abilities are 77 00:04:47,718 --> 00:04:57,050 still there and weren't totally 78 00:04:50,060 --> 00:05:03,949 destroyed by the virus deborah visits 79 00:04:57,050 --> 00:05:08,050 clive on average once a month passionate 80 00:05:03,949 --> 00:05:12,020 very loving funny very very comical and 81 00:05:08,050 --> 00:05:14,030 he's very very self-effacing you know he 82 00:05:12,019 --> 00:05:16,579 doesn't want to be a nuisance to anyone 83 00:05:14,029 --> 00:05:18,318 he often apologizes to me and says I 84 00:05:16,579 --> 00:05:30,829 must have been such a nuisance to you 85 00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:33,379 I'm so sorry I mean he knows me we might 86 00:05:30,829 --> 00:05:36,939 not remember anything about me but he 87 00:05:33,379 --> 00:05:39,408 knows me so he knows what I'm like and 88 00:05:36,939 --> 00:05:41,360 we're still very much a team I mean it 89 00:05:39,408 --> 00:05:50,509 sounds odd when we see so little of each 90 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:52,788 other but we have very much a team what 91 00:05:50,509 --> 00:05:55,669 does it mean to you when Deborah comes 92 00:05:52,788 --> 00:05:57,800 to visit heaven on earth arrives and 93 00:05:55,668 --> 00:05:59,628 what does it mean to you when Deborah 94 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:01,009 can't come and visit well I don't know 95 00:05:59,629 --> 00:06:02,629 I've never been consciousness ever know 96 00:06:01,009 --> 00:06:04,550 I don't know what I've been thinking 97 00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:04,879 when she's not here I'd never seen her 98 00:06:04,550 --> 00:06:08,509 before 99 00:06:04,879 --> 00:06:10,338 either know the word yes I've never seen 100 00:06:08,509 --> 00:06:12,860 any human being since I've bill first 101 00:06:10,338 --> 00:06:14,990 four people I've seen in or 30 years and 102 00:06:12,860 --> 00:06:18,310 if you're unconscious you didn't like it 103 00:06:14,990 --> 00:06:22,519 much do what does being unconscious mean 104 00:06:18,310 --> 00:06:24,829 same as death no difference in day and 105 00:06:22,519 --> 00:06:28,338 night no thoughts at all they're not the 106 00:06:24,829 --> 00:06:30,918 same and what does love mean just 107 00:06:28,338 --> 00:06:37,959 wearing zero in tennis and everything in 108 00:06:30,918 --> 00:06:37,959 life hmm 109 00:06:38,649 --> 00:06:43,968 Clive became ill before he and Deborah 110 00:06:41,329 --> 00:06:46,168 could start a family but Clive has three 111 00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:49,528 children from his first marriage 112 00:06:46,168 --> 00:06:53,188 I thought of my father as a wonderful 113 00:06:49,528 --> 00:06:55,918 person mostly absent because my parents 114 00:06:53,189 --> 00:06:58,069 split up when I was very young but when 115 00:06:55,918 --> 00:07:01,438 I did see him he was always very jolly 116 00:06:58,069 --> 00:07:05,249 very giving always laughing and we all 117 00:07:01,439 --> 00:07:08,218 missed him never dared to ask him what 118 00:07:05,249 --> 00:07:11,699 my name is I don't know if that's my 119 00:07:08,218 --> 00:07:14,519 fear for him or my fear for myself I've 120 00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:16,770 never asked him what my name is he knows 121 00:07:14,519 --> 00:07:18,149 I'm his son and he'll always say you 122 00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:33,408 should be this tall because he left home 123 00:07:18,149 --> 00:07:40,739 when I was that tall since his illness 124 00:07:33,408 --> 00:07:43,348 Clive has auditory hallucinations what I 125 00:07:40,740 --> 00:07:46,288 struggle with the most is that the 126 00:07:43,348 --> 00:07:49,319 intellectual Colossus that was my father 127 00:07:46,288 --> 00:07:53,120 is reduced to making word games out of 128 00:07:49,319 --> 00:07:55,930 card number plays you know it's just 129 00:07:53,120 --> 00:08:00,838 there's a tiny fraction of him left now 130 00:07:55,930 --> 00:08:00,838 [Music] 131 00:08:01,668 --> 00:08:06,778 20 years ago Clive was a well-known 132 00:08:04,259 --> 00:08:11,669 musician conductor an early music 133 00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:15,088 producer for radio 3 he was a very 134 00:08:11,668 --> 00:08:18,329 charismatic conductor he was working in 135 00:08:15,088 --> 00:08:22,699 a field that was just cutting new ground 136 00:08:18,329 --> 00:08:26,008 all the time he would transcribe from 137 00:08:22,699 --> 00:08:29,129 original manuscripts and recreate the 138 00:08:26,009 --> 00:08:30,960 music for a particular meal that the 139 00:08:29,129 --> 00:08:33,120 Duke of Bavaria had with his 140 00:08:30,959 --> 00:08:34,769 mother-in-law and what they wore and 141 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:36,870 what they had to eat and this was the 142 00:08:34,769 --> 00:08:41,639 music and men he would make a radio 143 00:08:36,870 --> 00:08:43,110 program took all his energy there wasn't 144 00:08:41,639 --> 00:08:45,929 much time to sleep there were no 145 00:08:43,110 --> 00:08:50,519 weekends he poured his whole being into 146 00:08:45,929 --> 00:08:59,399 his work everybody used to say to him 147 00:08:50,519 --> 00:09:02,039 Clive slow down he couldn't no one had 148 00:08:59,399 --> 00:09:04,529 idea that Clive was about to become one 149 00:09:02,039 --> 00:09:07,429 of the most extreme cases of amnesia in 150 00:09:04,529 --> 00:09:07,429 the world 151 00:09:11,850 --> 00:09:16,180 Clive's descent into brain damage came 152 00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:18,940 frightening Lee quickly one week in 153 00:09:16,179 --> 00:09:22,959 March 1985 when he came home from work 154 00:09:18,940 --> 00:09:26,560 looking flushed and feverish on Saturday 155 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:29,170 his headache started by Tuesday he was 156 00:09:26,559 --> 00:09:32,469 no better and he hadn't slept his 157 00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:33,819 temperature was 102 by Wednesday he was 158 00:09:32,470 --> 00:09:37,680 very confused and couldn't remember 159 00:09:33,820 --> 00:09:40,570 Deborah's name his temperature was 104 160 00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:43,059 doctors came and went and Deborah left 161 00:09:40,570 --> 00:09:46,050 him sleeping but when she came home 162 00:09:43,059 --> 00:09:49,389 Clive had disappeared from their flat I 163 00:09:46,049 --> 00:09:51,969 called his name there was no reply I 164 00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:55,240 went into the bedroom the bed was empty 165 00:09:51,970 --> 00:09:58,810 and I knew something terrible had 166 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:59,950 happened over the next few hours Deborah 167 00:09:58,809 --> 00:10:06,129 rang hospitals and police stations 168 00:09:59,950 --> 00:10:11,350 across London no one had seen Clive sad 169 00:10:06,129 --> 00:10:13,659 sad we sat and then a man's voice the 170 00:10:11,350 --> 00:10:16,320 phone rang the man's voice said are you 171 00:10:13,659 --> 00:10:20,459 mrs. Waring yes 172 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:23,860 we've got your husband thank God 173 00:10:20,460 --> 00:10:25,389 Clive had gone out fully dressed with 174 00:10:23,860 --> 00:10:29,200 his overcoat and a copy of The Times 175 00:10:25,389 --> 00:10:30,819 under his arm hailed a cab but couldn't 176 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:32,140 remember where he lived he wanted to go 177 00:10:30,820 --> 00:10:35,080 home and he couldn't remember where he 178 00:10:32,139 --> 00:10:37,299 lived and the cab driver had dropped him 179 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:39,720 at West Ham's a police station and the 180 00:10:37,299 --> 00:10:43,539 police had chased him by his Barclaycard 181 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:46,060 so we got there and we we took him home 182 00:10:43,539 --> 00:10:48,159 and Clive went to walk past the gate and 183 00:10:46,059 --> 00:10:50,529 I stopped him and I said no it's here 184 00:10:48,159 --> 00:10:53,439 and he's it always this way we live and 185 00:10:50,529 --> 00:10:55,829 I said yes and he didn't recognize the 186 00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:55,830 building 187 00:10:56,269 --> 00:11:00,690 two doctors made home visits and 188 00:10:58,799 --> 00:11:03,088 concluded that Clive was suffering from 189 00:11:00,690 --> 00:11:06,290 a severe bout of flu that was doing the 190 00:11:03,089 --> 00:11:06,290 rounds in North London 191 00:11:06,470 --> 00:11:11,930 but the friday morning he wasn't 192 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:14,210 answering me and i picked up one of his 193 00:11:11,929 --> 00:11:16,250 arms and it was floppy so I rang the 194 00:11:14,210 --> 00:11:20,350 doctor again I said he's gone 195 00:11:16,250 --> 00:11:23,659 floppy he's gone floppy get here now and 196 00:11:20,350 --> 00:11:27,320 the doctor came I took one look alive 197 00:11:23,659 --> 00:11:28,909 and dialed 999 went out of the front 198 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:31,129 door walked down the stairs 199 00:11:28,909 --> 00:11:33,829 and as he turned the landing he said 200 00:11:31,129 --> 00:11:40,909 this is the strangest case I've ever 201 00:11:33,830 --> 00:11:42,410 seen we got to the hospital and I just 202 00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:45,350 remember going through these clear 203 00:11:42,409 --> 00:11:49,309 plastic rubber doors they were lack of 204 00:11:45,350 --> 00:11:53,090 valve and that as those doors flat shut 205 00:11:49,309 --> 00:12:01,639 behind us you know it was just like our 206 00:11:53,090 --> 00:12:03,920 life as we knew it was over once Clyde 207 00:12:01,639 --> 00:12:06,019 was inside some Mary's Hospital the 208 00:12:03,919 --> 00:12:08,719 doctors fought to halt his fever and 209 00:12:06,019 --> 00:12:10,460 desperately conducted tests they 210 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:12,950 realized that Clive's brain was being 211 00:12:10,460 --> 00:12:18,860 attacked by the herpes simplex or cold 212 00:12:12,950 --> 00:12:21,860 sore virus occasionally this virus 213 00:12:18,860 --> 00:12:24,080 crosses the blood-brain barrier and gets 214 00:12:21,860 --> 00:12:27,169 into the brain nobody knows why or how 215 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:28,910 incredibly rare it happens about it's a 216 00:12:27,169 --> 00:12:32,360 one-in-a-million chance that it's going 217 00:12:28,909 --> 00:12:34,549 to happen and it caused an inflammation 218 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:41,629 of the brain which was called in careful 219 00:12:34,549 --> 00:12:46,689 itis from what the doctors said about 220 00:12:41,629 --> 00:12:50,210 how bad the temperature had been and how 221 00:12:46,690 --> 00:12:54,950 ill he'd been I was very concerned that 222 00:12:50,210 --> 00:12:57,350 he wasn't going to live I was I was 223 00:12:54,950 --> 00:12:59,770 fairly convinced that I'd come to see my 224 00:12:57,350 --> 00:12:59,769 dad die 225 00:13:04,419 --> 00:13:13,610 and then he didn't Clive was given a new 226 00:13:10,639 --> 00:13:15,709 drug called acyclovir it saved his life 227 00:13:13,610 --> 00:13:18,649 but came too late to prevent brain 228 00:13:15,708 --> 00:13:21,498 damage the virus had destroyed Clive's 229 00:13:18,649 --> 00:13:24,980 hippocampus an area of the brain crucial 230 00:13:21,499 --> 00:13:28,119 for memory and learning leaving him with 231 00:13:24,980 --> 00:13:28,119 dense amnesia 232 00:13:32,970 --> 00:13:39,420 how many years of I've email about 20 233 00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:43,590 about 20 Kenney magistrates have one 234 00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:47,759 night 20 years long with no dream that's 235 00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:49,769 what it's been like just like this no 236 00:13:47,759 --> 00:13:55,399 difference in dead night no thoughts at 237 00:13:49,769 --> 00:13:57,480 all in that sense been totally painless 238 00:13:55,399 --> 00:14:01,019 which is not something which is very 239 00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:04,950 desirable really isn't it's precisely 240 00:14:01,019 --> 00:14:06,419 like death if we have no spent senses of 241 00:14:04,950 --> 00:14:07,230 pain you have no sense of any kind 242 00:14:06,419 --> 00:14:10,349 working either 243 00:14:07,230 --> 00:14:12,960 I don't remember sitting down on this 244 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:15,360 chair for example the city as it is that 245 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:16,680 was unknown to me I've never seen a 246 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:18,870 human being since I've been that's the 247 00:14:16,679 --> 00:14:21,839 first photograph I see to anybody and 248 00:14:18,870 --> 00:14:22,429 who is that face one of my son's I can't 249 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:27,139 remember his name 250 00:14:22,429 --> 00:14:30,689 it's gone last time I knew mr. to school 251 00:14:27,139 --> 00:14:32,809 that's how many years it's been a few 252 00:14:30,690 --> 00:14:35,160 years before he would have died from it 253 00:14:32,809 --> 00:14:37,139 and a few years later they might have 254 00:14:35,159 --> 00:14:38,669 spotted it quicker or maybe a different 255 00:14:37,139 --> 00:14:41,569 doctor might have spotted it quicker or 256 00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:45,539 whatever so it was just on the cusp of 257 00:14:41,570 --> 00:14:47,580 of that change and when that's you know 258 00:14:45,539 --> 00:14:50,370 he suffered for that I think in my own 259 00:14:47,580 --> 00:14:53,400 mind it was the question of is it right 260 00:14:50,370 --> 00:14:55,679 that he's been ill for so many days and 261 00:14:53,399 --> 00:14:59,939 how much damage has been done to his 262 00:14:55,679 --> 00:15:01,679 brain in that time and whether it was 263 00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:04,770 the right thing or the wrong thing that 264 00:15:01,679 --> 00:15:07,009 he was treated and everybody fought for 265 00:15:04,769 --> 00:15:09,730 him as much as they did 266 00:15:07,009 --> 00:15:12,278 Clive remained it's Mary's pad 267 00:15:09,730 --> 00:15:15,459 for seven years there was nowhere else 268 00:15:12,278 --> 00:15:17,740 suitable for him to go his mood swung 269 00:15:15,458 --> 00:15:22,359 from euphoria to sadness within weeks 270 00:15:17,740 --> 00:15:24,490 and confusion and despair set in he was 271 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:26,889 in severe shock so he was crying all the 272 00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:28,720 time he'd come in and you say oh hi I'm 273 00:15:26,889 --> 00:15:30,850 your son yeah I said I don't recognize 274 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:32,709 you and then he'd be crying again and 275 00:15:30,850 --> 00:15:36,639 you're just stuck in that loop for 276 00:15:32,708 --> 00:15:40,388 months I said Clive can you tell me why 277 00:15:36,639 --> 00:15:43,120 you're crying and he said no and I 278 00:15:40,389 --> 00:15:46,899 handed him a little notepad and a pen 279 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:49,600 and I said can you write it I said just 280 00:15:46,899 --> 00:15:52,600 write quickly why are you crying and he 281 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:55,500 wrote I am completely incapable of 282 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,500 thinking 283 00:16:02,639 --> 00:16:08,819 I don't know he's applied here like 284 00:16:06,990 --> 00:16:11,360 everybody else in the world to do please 285 00:16:08,820 --> 00:16:11,360 please go 286 00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:23,000 these messages were recorded on devvra's 287 00:16:18,389 --> 00:16:23,000 answerphone minutes after she left him 288 00:16:26,149 --> 00:16:31,820 revisited live daily but he couldn't 289 00:16:28,950 --> 00:16:31,820 remember her being 290 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:07,959 first time I've seen a human being every 291 00:17:05,390 --> 00:17:10,640 moment for Clive is the first moment 292 00:17:07,959 --> 00:17:13,190 because the amnesia is rubbing 293 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:15,610 everything out immediately after it 294 00:17:13,190 --> 00:17:17,930 happens not only does he not remember 295 00:17:15,609 --> 00:17:20,289 anything that's happened to him since he 296 00:17:17,930 --> 00:17:23,209 was ill he doesn't remember anything 297 00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:27,289 that's ever happened to him in the whole 298 00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:30,950 of his life he knows about things he 299 00:17:27,289 --> 00:17:34,940 knows that he worked for the BBC but he 300 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:38,120 does not have any events in his mind 301 00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:40,850 that he can bring to his mind's eye he 302 00:17:38,119 --> 00:17:54,889 knows that we are married he does not 303 00:17:40,849 --> 00:17:57,319 remember the wedding just 7:16 a.m. 304 00:17:54,890 --> 00:17:59,800 first acts for government or what I'm 305 00:17:57,319 --> 00:17:59,799 doing 306 00:18:13,769 --> 00:18:21,279 first re-entry I've made consciously 307 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:23,500 Clive keeps a diary everyday and has 308 00:18:21,279 --> 00:18:26,200 done for 20 years in an effort to make 309 00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:27,910 sense of his life he writes multiple 310 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:33,100 entries recording his last conscious 311 00:18:27,910 --> 00:18:35,730 moment he would look at his watch to see 312 00:18:33,099 --> 00:18:39,759 what time was this momentous event 313 00:18:35,730 --> 00:18:42,490 occurring a first consciousness and so 314 00:18:39,759 --> 00:18:47,619 he would write down 1006 awake first 315 00:18:42,490 --> 00:18:51,069 time and then had the same sensation in 316 00:18:47,619 --> 00:18:56,019 but 1007 awake first time truly awake 317 00:18:51,069 --> 00:18:58,119 first time ignore the last entry now I'm 318 00:18:56,019 --> 00:19:02,170 awake this is the first real awakeness 319 00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:08,309 and so the the diaries are line by line 320 00:19:02,170 --> 00:19:11,860 a succession of astonished awakenings 321 00:19:08,309 --> 00:19:17,379 that's 1990 when he'd been suffering 322 00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:21,939 amnesia for just five years and this is 323 00:19:17,380 --> 00:19:26,320 the effect on him seven years on but you 324 00:19:21,940 --> 00:19:29,950 can see that he's by no means resolved 325 00:19:26,319 --> 00:19:34,329 his anguish by no means he writes the 326 00:19:29,950 --> 00:19:37,840 time now in big in a big hand and a tick 327 00:19:34,329 --> 00:19:39,429 a tick to say yes that's authentic I I 328 00:19:37,839 --> 00:19:42,339 wrote that it's authentic that's 329 00:19:39,430 --> 00:19:45,039 definitely me awake he has to then cross 330 00:19:42,339 --> 00:19:47,109 through the previous ticks and do a new 331 00:19:45,039 --> 00:19:48,879 tick with a circle around it to say this 332 00:19:47,109 --> 00:19:51,429 is the real one and that wasn't the real 333 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:54,360 one next time he comes back and so on so 334 00:19:51,430 --> 00:19:57,490 there's a constant desperate series a 335 00:19:54,359 --> 00:20:00,639 scrubbing out all the previous entries 336 00:19:57,490 --> 00:20:04,180 and saying now I'm awake now I'm awake 337 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:06,790 and the pencils just become blurred and 338 00:20:04,180 --> 00:20:08,890 it goes on and it's so thick the pencil 339 00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:12,700 it's almost as if he's using the pencil 340 00:20:08,890 --> 00:20:16,030 to dig himself into back into time to 341 00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:18,880 try to fix himself in a continuum to 342 00:20:16,029 --> 00:20:21,099 have more than one moment at a time but 343 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:23,750 he never can 344 00:20:21,099 --> 00:20:24,889 people's and triplets Aria rubbish what 345 00:20:23,750 --> 00:20:27,079 does that mean 346 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:28,670 did you write that I've no consciousness 347 00:20:27,079 --> 00:20:30,199 consciousness 348 00:20:28,670 --> 00:20:32,330 oh she ain't mean no for the first time 349 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:34,009 is it your handwriting yes I know 350 00:20:32,329 --> 00:20:36,439 nothing about it at all so how do you 351 00:20:34,009 --> 00:20:38,089 think it got there I did deserve a 352 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:41,240 daughter don't know but you must know I 353 00:20:38,089 --> 00:20:42,889 haven't seen the book of total now no no 354 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:45,500 that's mean that means I haven't seen it 355 00:20:42,890 --> 00:20:46,910 I have no noise over at all that's all 356 00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:48,950 there's no knowledge of that book the 357 00:20:46,910 --> 00:20:53,509 what it's entirely new to me but you put 358 00:20:48,950 --> 00:20:55,160 I don't know but no no no no just don't 359 00:20:53,509 --> 00:21:05,480 say anything 360 00:20:55,160 --> 00:21:07,220 we'll use your intelligence the doctors 361 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:10,370 don't know why Clive's aggressive 362 00:21:07,220 --> 00:21:13,589 outbursts have gradually stopped 363 00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:13,589 [Music] 364 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:43,830 that's at least an hour a tradition our 365 00:21:26,430 --> 00:21:48,029 three minute Saturdays yeah first time 366 00:21:43,829 --> 00:22:03,689 I've seen my writing I see my room first 367 00:21:48,029 --> 00:22:10,109 time see human beans in fact it says 368 00:22:03,690 --> 00:22:12,750 you're here that you sure hates coffee 369 00:22:10,109 --> 00:22:14,939 drinking three minutes past 10:00 370 00:22:12,750 --> 00:22:17,250 that was unknown to me I've never seen 371 00:22:14,940 --> 00:22:19,910 anyone except you or three people she 372 00:22:17,250 --> 00:22:19,910 may know one lady 373 00:22:25,660 --> 00:22:33,110 Clive's condition was hard for Deborah 374 00:22:28,490 --> 00:22:35,630 to bear you asked me when did I decide 375 00:22:33,109 --> 00:22:39,289 to divorce him and when did I decide to 376 00:22:35,630 --> 00:22:40,510 leave it wasn't really a decision it was 377 00:22:39,289 --> 00:22:43,819 an imperative 378 00:22:40,509 --> 00:22:47,900 there was no way hey any human being 379 00:22:43,819 --> 00:22:50,659 could continue in that way we had the 380 00:22:47,900 --> 00:22:53,060 same dialogue in a loop tape repeated 381 00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:54,980 verbatim with the same inflection the 382 00:22:53,059 --> 00:23:00,980 same tone the voice the same expression 383 00:22:54,980 --> 00:23:02,839 on the face for well nine that the whole 384 00:23:00,980 --> 00:23:05,599 nine years until I left and we were 385 00:23:02,839 --> 00:23:12,500 still having that conversation as I was 386 00:23:05,599 --> 00:23:14,719 backing out of the room Clive became ill 387 00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:17,720 and hospitalized only 18 months after 388 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:19,940 marrying Deborah three years after the 389 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:23,569 virus attacked his brain the strain on 390 00:23:19,940 --> 00:23:26,320 their lives was beginning to show it's 391 00:23:23,569 --> 00:23:27,500 like being a wife and Widow 392 00:23:26,319 --> 00:23:30,980 simultaneously 393 00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:34,869 I lost Clive or most of Clive three 394 00:23:30,980 --> 00:23:40,339 years ago because without consciousness 395 00:23:34,869 --> 00:23:42,469 he's in many senses dead to ease her 396 00:23:40,339 --> 00:23:44,089 pain Deborah campaigned for seven years 397 00:23:42,470 --> 00:23:46,519 to find Clive a secure and permanent 398 00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:50,629 home with around-the-clock care that he 399 00:23:46,519 --> 00:23:54,759 needed in 1992 he was finally moved to a 400 00:23:50,630 --> 00:23:57,470 new specialist brain unit outside London 401 00:23:54,759 --> 00:23:59,779 Deborah's mission was accomplished but 402 00:23:57,470 --> 00:24:03,220 she had exhausted herself and Clive was 403 00:23:59,779 --> 00:24:05,809 increasingly having fits in her presence 404 00:24:03,220 --> 00:24:08,630 with no hope of living together again 405 00:24:05,809 --> 00:24:09,649 Deborah divorced Clive and flew to 406 00:24:08,630 --> 00:24:14,750 America 407 00:24:09,650 --> 00:24:16,550 I was in my mid 30s I wanted kids I 408 00:24:14,750 --> 00:24:18,440 didn't want to be on my own all the time 409 00:24:16,549 --> 00:24:20,569 it was very lonely and I thought maybe 410 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:23,150 having a relationship with somebody else 411 00:24:20,569 --> 00:24:29,119 having kids would help to heal the pain 412 00:24:23,150 --> 00:24:30,920 I rang him up to say hello darling I've 413 00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:32,149 arrived although of course he didn't 414 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:33,769 know I'd left because he didn't know I'd 415 00:24:32,150 --> 00:24:35,390 ever been there and it didn't really 416 00:24:33,769 --> 00:24:36,829 make any difference where I was he 417 00:24:35,390 --> 00:24:41,750 didn't matter where I was in London or 418 00:24:36,829 --> 00:24:44,079 New York or Timbuktu I tended to fall 419 00:24:41,750 --> 00:24:49,160 for jested completely impossible people 420 00:24:44,079 --> 00:24:51,919 who are all artists of some kind and as 421 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:54,200 soon as I came became close to anybody 422 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:59,440 and had conversations with them you know 423 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:59,440 the relationship just dissolve because 424 00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:06,950 they weren't lying facing me I was 425 00:25:05,809 --> 00:25:11,389 looking for Clive 426 00:25:06,950 --> 00:25:14,720 I guess did he ever ask you when you 427 00:25:11,390 --> 00:25:15,650 were coming home no did he ever ask you 428 00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:20,120 what you were doing 429 00:25:15,650 --> 00:25:24,440 no he showed no curiosity he just wants 430 00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:25,819 to let me know that he was awake he'd 431 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:30,440 say hey tee 432 00:25:25,819 --> 00:25:33,980 when are you coming and I'd say as soon 433 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:35,809 as I can and then he'd say oh please 434 00:25:33,980 --> 00:25:39,819 come at the speed of light come at the 435 00:25:35,809 --> 00:25:42,668 speed of light come by helicopter 436 00:25:39,819 --> 00:25:46,720 [Music] 437 00:25:42,669 --> 00:25:49,759 in 1996 Deborah had to make a choice 438 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:52,259 whether to remain in America and apply 439 00:25:49,759 --> 00:25:54,308 for permanent residency and a green card 440 00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:57,710 [Music] 441 00:25:54,308 --> 00:26:01,339 she returned to the UK drawn back to 442 00:25:57,710 --> 00:26:03,370 Clive she settled in Nottingham working 443 00:26:01,339 --> 00:26:07,418 for the brain injury charity headway 444 00:26:03,369 --> 00:26:07,418 Deborah had come full circle 445 00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:14,170 and I came back still not knowing how to 446 00:26:11,140 --> 00:26:16,690 live star with a huge emptiness the 447 00:26:14,170 --> 00:26:18,120 great sucking emptiness inside that 448 00:26:16,690 --> 00:26:20,769 could never be filled 449 00:26:18,119 --> 00:26:22,989 still with a sense of needing to go home 450 00:26:20,769 --> 00:26:24,819 but not have you know where's home 451 00:26:22,990 --> 00:26:26,269 because home was where he was but I 452 00:26:24,819 --> 00:26:32,858 couldn't be with him 453 00:26:26,269 --> 00:26:32,858 [Music] 454 00:26:33,950 --> 00:26:37,789 I was just going round and ever 455 00:26:35,839 --> 00:26:41,720 decreasing circles that it was the same 456 00:26:37,789 --> 00:26:43,960 was more of the same I'd reached really 457 00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:47,180 the end of my tether and I rang a friend 458 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:50,390 and I asked her to pray for me she was 459 00:26:47,180 --> 00:26:52,640 the only Christian I knew and as she was 460 00:26:50,390 --> 00:26:57,710 whispering away to God and I just felt 461 00:26:52,640 --> 00:27:02,140 this extraordinary power coming into me 462 00:26:57,710 --> 00:27:06,799 and I knew that God was in my room I 463 00:27:02,140 --> 00:27:12,380 just had this incredible sense that I 464 00:27:06,799 --> 00:27:14,210 was really really loved I mean so loved 465 00:27:12,380 --> 00:27:17,680 and that emptiness that I had been 466 00:27:14,210 --> 00:27:21,890 trying to fill all those years with 467 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:27,940 relationships with food with alcohol I 468 00:27:21,890 --> 00:27:27,940 was filled that emptiness was gone 469 00:27:30,549 --> 00:27:44,649 [Music] 470 00:27:35,420 --> 00:27:44,650 oh Jesus 471 00:27:48,099 --> 00:27:52,730 Clive is visiting some Ethel greatest 472 00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:54,850 church in London for the first time 473 00:27:52,730 --> 00:28:02,329 since he recorded a concert there in 474 00:27:54,849 --> 00:28:04,159 1982 she music to have the acoustic of 475 00:28:02,329 --> 00:28:06,889 the just uses quite unlike that of a 476 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:09,680 concert hall yes there's lots of echoes 477 00:28:06,890 --> 00:28:10,250 and long reverberation it's very special 478 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:14,480 in that way 479 00:28:10,250 --> 00:28:17,539 listen see how quiet it is to some music 480 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:21,170 in the distance I remember last time we 481 00:28:17,539 --> 00:28:24,200 were here you were conducting the lasas 482 00:28:21,170 --> 00:28:27,320 Requiem mhm and it was for the the 483 00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:31,539 lastest international Lassus festival 484 00:28:27,319 --> 00:28:34,039 that you put on and you came in here and 485 00:28:31,539 --> 00:28:35,359 none of the pews were here and you used 486 00:28:34,039 --> 00:28:39,139 the whole building 487 00:28:35,359 --> 00:28:43,179 hakushi you had it was far from a 488 00:28:39,140 --> 00:28:48,380 concert he was actually a celebration of 489 00:28:43,180 --> 00:28:50,630 the mass as if lasses had just died it 490 00:28:48,380 --> 00:28:53,240 was extraordinary and it was so moving 491 00:28:50,630 --> 00:28:57,070 that there were people here we were 492 00:28:53,240 --> 00:29:01,339 crying yes and it was broadcast live to 493 00:28:57,069 --> 00:29:04,399 five countries and you were directing it 494 00:29:01,339 --> 00:29:12,319 and it was so moving it was so moving 495 00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:14,630 that everyone was in tears that's how 496 00:29:12,319 --> 00:29:16,730 good he is how good its director and 497 00:29:14,630 --> 00:29:20,180 musical director you oh it was just live 498 00:29:16,730 --> 00:29:21,410 and you gave the audience whether they 499 00:29:20,180 --> 00:29:23,000 were sitting at home listening to the 500 00:29:21,410 --> 00:29:25,340 radio or whether they were walking 501 00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:27,319 around here in the dark with candlelight 502 00:29:25,339 --> 00:29:31,490 flickering you gave them an experience 503 00:29:27,319 --> 00:29:33,409 of something deep and profound and 504 00:29:31,490 --> 00:29:34,549 spiritual and they went away after your 505 00:29:33,410 --> 00:29:36,610 concerts and they were never the same 506 00:29:34,549 --> 00:29:36,609 again 507 00:29:38,210 --> 00:29:45,769 you say that I think that you said I 508 00:29:43,190 --> 00:29:59,519 love this 509 00:29:45,769 --> 00:29:59,519 [Music] 510 00:30:10,430 --> 00:30:13,609 [Music] 511 00:30:13,710 --> 00:30:19,108 save a car driver double CD find wearing 512 00:30:19,769 --> 00:30:25,579 Clive makes phrases out of the letters 513 00:30:22,450 --> 00:30:36,890 on car number plates as they flash past 514 00:30:25,579 --> 00:30:36,889 [Music] 515 00:30:39,339 --> 00:30:51,259 guess what my job is 516 00:30:41,329 --> 00:30:54,099 Henry United Nations PR wow that's 517 00:30:51,259 --> 00:31:10,119 amazing yeah I do 518 00:30:54,099 --> 00:31:22,519 that's very clever you astound me 519 00:31:10,119 --> 00:31:35,599 sometimes you take my breath away do you 520 00:31:22,519 --> 00:31:47,720 know what I do for a living yes can you 521 00:31:35,599 --> 00:31:49,029 see me doing meaningful stuff oh that's 522 00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:52,339 an exciting Black's 523 00:31:49,029 --> 00:31:57,470 nurtured a caesarian all the different 524 00:31:52,339 --> 00:31:57,470 [Music] 525 00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:03,940 Debra renewed her marriage vows with 526 00:32:01,869 --> 00:32:24,398 Clive three years ago although they'll 527 00:32:03,940 --> 00:32:26,610 always have to live apart I never seen 528 00:32:24,398 --> 00:32:31,689 it before 529 00:32:26,609 --> 00:32:38,528 hello hello is heaven oh hello is very 530 00:32:31,690 --> 00:32:40,409 hello it's not familiar then where do 531 00:32:38,528 --> 00:32:44,798 you think it is 532 00:32:40,409 --> 00:32:47,409 guess where it could be anywhere do you 533 00:32:44,798 --> 00:32:50,099 think there's anyone that do you think 534 00:32:47,409 --> 00:32:50,100 you've ever been here before 535 00:32:52,769 --> 00:32:59,138 there's my initials backwards WDC what 536 00:32:57,970 --> 00:33:06,278 do you think we'll find when we listen 537 00:32:59,138 --> 00:33:08,849 alcohol let's hope what do you think 538 00:33:06,278 --> 00:33:13,538 life's been like for your father hell I 539 00:33:08,849 --> 00:33:17,288 can't imagine anything worse must be 540 00:33:13,538 --> 00:33:18,908 really frightening to be constantly 541 00:33:17,288 --> 00:33:23,950 waking up to something that you don't 542 00:33:18,909 --> 00:33:27,909 recognize you know every 7 seconds or 543 00:33:23,950 --> 00:33:30,819 however however long that he's he can 544 00:33:27,909 --> 00:33:34,028 remember anything for to turn around and 545 00:33:30,819 --> 00:33:35,798 where am I and you do it again and you 546 00:33:34,028 --> 00:33:37,898 don't know where you are I can't imagine 547 00:33:35,798 --> 00:33:43,079 a thing more frightening must be like a 548 00:33:37,898 --> 00:33:43,079 nightmare really must 549 00:33:54,019 --> 00:34:08,780 [Music] 550 00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:14,210 Debra is planning a momentous trip for 551 00:34:08,780 --> 00:34:15,650 Clive best pub in the country you could 552 00:34:14,210 --> 00:34:18,130 go anywhere where would you like to go 553 00:34:15,650 --> 00:34:18,130 yeah 554 00:34:23,690 --> 00:34:40,099 yesterday home is yesterday next Tuesday 555 00:34:35,659 --> 00:34:44,119 are we going I live in Redding I see 556 00:34:40,099 --> 00:34:47,269 yeah do you think you've ever been to 557 00:34:44,119 --> 00:34:49,400 mating yes I have been yes I've been 558 00:34:47,269 --> 00:34:51,349 going every season I suppose you could 559 00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:51,740 have gone when Howard was studying them 560 00:34:51,349 --> 00:34:53,750 hmm 561 00:34:51,739 --> 00:34:56,719 yeah I didn't know you'd ever been there 562 00:34:53,750 --> 00:34:58,340 never mentioned reading no it's not been 563 00:34:56,719 --> 00:35:06,199 custom designed a memory game 564 00:34:58,340 --> 00:35:08,360 yeah not a very interesting place No can 565 00:35:06,199 --> 00:35:10,399 you name a town in Berkshire I can't I 566 00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:15,590 can't no door do you know where I live 567 00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:17,329 no guess I'm nine kids with are no I 568 00:35:15,590 --> 00:35:21,340 know reading oh really 569 00:35:17,329 --> 00:35:21,340 yeah spelt wrong actually reading 570 00:35:23,050 --> 00:35:27,570 clive is going home for the first time 571 00:35:25,969 --> 00:35:30,808 in 13 years 572 00:35:27,570 --> 00:35:30,809 [Music] 573 00:35:32,349 --> 00:35:38,800 remember the number plate here in 9 for 574 00:35:35,179 --> 00:35:41,419 1 year and 9 for 1 back of another car 575 00:35:38,800 --> 00:35:47,329 remember the phone number when your 576 00:35:41,420 --> 00:35:49,460 invoice we want search for remarkably 577 00:35:47,329 --> 00:35:52,160 Clive can still recall details from his 578 00:35:49,460 --> 00:35:58,280 childhood numbers embedded in his memory 579 00:35:52,159 --> 00:36:00,649 before he became ill there's another 580 00:35:58,280 --> 00:36:03,170 guest expected for lunch Clive's 581 00:36:00,650 --> 00:36:06,588 youngest son Edmund who has not seen his 582 00:36:03,170 --> 00:36:07,960 father for 7 years things that I used to 583 00:36:06,588 --> 00:36:11,150 do with my father 584 00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:14,449 always revolved around his work it was 585 00:36:11,150 --> 00:36:15,920 weird be either going to see getting to 586 00:36:14,449 --> 00:36:18,949 places such as the British Museum for 587 00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:21,380 his research or we'd be going to concert 588 00:36:18,949 --> 00:36:24,169 venues or recording venues we would 589 00:36:21,380 --> 00:36:25,579 often end up in churches and you could 590 00:36:24,170 --> 00:36:27,800 walk into a church or a cathedral 591 00:36:25,579 --> 00:36:28,099 anywhere in Europe and read it like a 592 00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:30,470 book 593 00:36:28,099 --> 00:36:34,460 he had a vast amount of knowledge and 594 00:36:30,469 --> 00:36:42,259 that has just been wiped out it's been a 595 00:36:34,460 --> 00:36:45,050 difficult time seconds before Edmunds 596 00:36:42,260 --> 00:37:04,420 arrival Deborah has Prime Clive to 597 00:36:45,050 --> 00:37:04,420 expect him for that lovely wife of yours 598 00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:22,159 what does normality feel like to you 599 00:37:17,869 --> 00:37:26,150 know great luxury and something that you 600 00:37:22,159 --> 00:37:28,429 know to be really values and appreciate 601 00:37:26,150 --> 00:37:32,289 it's very precious we haven't had a 602 00:37:28,429 --> 00:37:32,289 family meal for 20 years 603 00:37:36,730 --> 00:37:43,730 tipper what will this day mean to climb 604 00:37:39,670 --> 00:37:45,889 nothing nothing in his conscious memory 605 00:37:43,730 --> 00:37:48,409 I mean even while he's in here he 606 00:37:45,889 --> 00:37:49,969 doesn't know we're here and when he's in 607 00:37:48,409 --> 00:37:52,159 the car he won't know we've been here 608 00:37:49,969 --> 00:37:54,259 and he won't remember anything of it you 609 00:37:52,159 --> 00:37:56,710 know he doesn't remember anything that's 610 00:37:54,260 --> 00:37:59,090 ever happened in the last 20 years ever 611 00:37:56,710 --> 00:38:01,490 what do you say to Clive when he gets 612 00:37:59,090 --> 00:38:02,329 confused and disorientated how do you 613 00:38:01,489 --> 00:38:05,750 deal with that 614 00:38:02,329 --> 00:38:08,119 but he's disoriented all the time it 615 00:38:05,750 --> 00:38:10,579 doesn't matter because we don't need to 616 00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:13,550 be in time we don't need to be in any 617 00:38:10,579 --> 00:38:16,219 particular place it's worse we're in we 618 00:38:13,550 --> 00:38:19,700 were on another plane Clive and I we 619 00:38:16,219 --> 00:38:23,629 were we're in a world where there is no 620 00:38:19,699 --> 00:38:27,169 time after four hours Debra has to take 621 00:38:23,630 --> 00:38:33,920 Clive back to the brain injury unit well 622 00:38:27,170 --> 00:38:35,980 I don't really want to answer that thank 623 00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:35,980 you 624 00:38:49,088 --> 00:38:55,779 I was just wondering how the day had 625 00:38:53,750 --> 00:38:55,780 been 626 00:39:00,559 --> 00:39:06,180 well it's just so sad but it's not you 627 00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:19,740 know that's not our reality and it's 628 00:39:06,179 --> 00:39:25,139 just so sad and why have you stayed away 629 00:39:19,739 --> 00:39:28,139 for seven years it's too painful was it 630 00:39:25,139 --> 00:39:32,639 easier to stay away oh yeah yeah it was 631 00:39:28,139 --> 00:39:34,730 the easy way out they didn't seem any 632 00:39:32,639 --> 00:39:37,348 point either because he didn't remember 633 00:39:34,730 --> 00:39:38,760 he'd write it in his diary but it turned 634 00:39:37,349 --> 00:39:44,190 over the page and start writing the next 635 00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:45,539 day did you know who you were more or 636 00:39:44,190 --> 00:39:49,679 less he needed to sometimes he'd need a 637 00:39:45,539 --> 00:39:51,599 bit of prompting he's got a quick mind 638 00:39:49,679 --> 00:39:55,230 if friends came up that he didn't 639 00:39:51,599 --> 00:39:56,910 recognize and he understood that he was 640 00:39:55,230 --> 00:40:00,240 supposed to recognize these people 641 00:39:56,909 --> 00:40:03,659 then he would greet them like long-lost 642 00:40:00,239 --> 00:40:06,288 friends and he'd work on on that until 643 00:40:03,659 --> 00:40:08,519 somebody told him what he needed to know 644 00:40:06,289 --> 00:40:11,730 it was always a difficult man to fool 645 00:40:08,519 --> 00:40:13,259 you know and those were the things you 646 00:40:11,730 --> 00:40:14,940 know that I was always pleased to see 647 00:40:13,260 --> 00:40:18,349 because I knew that his mind was working 648 00:40:14,940 --> 00:40:22,940 overtime and I knew that that was him 649 00:40:18,349 --> 00:40:22,940 having that it's just a shadow 650 00:40:30,590 --> 00:40:36,200 today clive sister Adele has come to see 651 00:40:33,989 --> 00:40:36,199 him 652 00:40:39,730 --> 00:40:43,510 and I used to take his children to see 653 00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:46,089 him but he used to get pretty aggressive 654 00:40:43,510 --> 00:40:47,470 if he was very angry you know there was 655 00:40:46,088 --> 00:40:47,799 one occasion when I went to see him on 656 00:40:47,469 --> 00:40:50,730 my own 657 00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:54,609 and he he just when I said who I was he 658 00:40:50,730 --> 00:40:57,280 attacked me almost you know grabbed hold 659 00:40:54,608 --> 00:41:00,489 of me very aggressively and the staff 660 00:40:57,280 --> 00:41:02,740 came in and sort of calmed it down but 661 00:41:00,489 --> 00:41:06,029 he'd remembered me when I was younger he 662 00:41:02,739 --> 00:41:06,029 just said no you know you're too old 663 00:41:07,980 --> 00:41:23,260 like when how old do you think and he 664 00:41:20,679 --> 00:41:30,608 went off to see when he was 15 years I 665 00:41:23,260 --> 00:41:32,560 went to the Merchant Navy yeah I used to 666 00:41:30,608 --> 00:41:37,150 go and visit him and it's just so 667 00:41:32,559 --> 00:41:39,639 difficult and and not easy to talk to 668 00:41:37,150 --> 00:41:40,990 him at all my husband had got no 669 00:41:39,639 --> 00:41:44,139 connection with him found it much easier 670 00:41:40,989 --> 00:41:46,479 he could talk about things that totally 671 00:41:44,139 --> 00:41:48,608 irrelevant and quite happily carrying on 672 00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:50,199 a conversation with him but I always 673 00:41:48,608 --> 00:41:52,469 found that extremely difficult thing to 674 00:41:50,199 --> 00:41:52,469 do 675 00:42:19,650 --> 00:42:26,349 do you remember Adele sitting next to me 676 00:42:24,119 --> 00:42:29,730 can you remember what she was wearing 677 00:42:26,349 --> 00:42:29,730 I never seen 678 00:42:33,519 --> 00:42:38,750 no such human beings I've seen three of 679 00:42:36,199 --> 00:42:41,809 it two men and one lady the first piece 680 00:42:38,750 --> 00:42:43,489 people I've seen since I don't know no 681 00:42:41,809 --> 00:42:46,670 difference in day and night no thoughts 682 00:42:43,489 --> 00:42:53,929 at all no dreams day and night that same 683 00:42:46,670 --> 00:42:57,050 blank precise like death is it very hard 684 00:42:53,929 --> 00:42:59,799 no exactly the same as being dead which 685 00:42:57,050 --> 00:43:02,090 is not difficult was it we did it's easy 686 00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:08,090 you don't do anything at all 687 00:43:02,090 --> 00:43:15,440 you can't do it you're dead it's been 688 00:43:08,090 --> 00:43:18,140 the same exactly yes I've never been 689 00:43:15,440 --> 00:43:21,440 conscious to think that so I've never 690 00:43:18,139 --> 00:43:25,460 been bored or upset no be anything same 691 00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:29,690 as death no dreams even day and night 692 00:43:25,460 --> 00:43:32,150 the same when you miss your old life you 693 00:43:29,690 --> 00:43:39,050 say yes I miss my old life what do you 694 00:43:32,150 --> 00:43:40,369 miss as a musician and in love you'll 695 00:43:39,050 --> 00:43:41,900 say things like do you know what it's 696 00:43:40,369 --> 00:43:43,849 like and that's really dangerous because 697 00:43:41,900 --> 00:43:46,059 if you actually did I said yes so at 698 00:43:43,849 --> 00:43:49,400 once because I was just saying yesterday 699 00:43:46,059 --> 00:43:52,849 that was disastrous yeah and then I said 700 00:43:49,400 --> 00:43:54,170 that again scene why because he says you 701 00:43:52,849 --> 00:43:56,239 don't know what it's like how do you 702 00:43:54,170 --> 00:43:58,039 know because he's right isn't he 703 00:43:56,239 --> 00:44:00,919 yes there's no way you're gonna know 704 00:43:58,039 --> 00:44:03,289 what it's like he still got some fight 705 00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:06,800 in him oh yeah yeah but that's the thing 706 00:44:03,289 --> 00:44:08,599 is probably 3/4 of his personalities 707 00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:10,940 still they're functioning normally 708 00:44:08,599 --> 00:44:12,409 he will analyse what's happened he said 709 00:44:10,940 --> 00:44:14,059 well the doctors must be very interested 710 00:44:12,409 --> 00:44:16,250 in this you know it's very unusual case 711 00:44:14,059 --> 00:44:17,690 he worked it all out over and over again 712 00:44:16,250 --> 00:44:20,860 because he doesn't really remember that 713 00:44:17,690 --> 00:44:20,860 he worked it out an hour ago 714 00:44:24,860 --> 00:44:29,039 [Music] 715 00:44:35,519 --> 00:44:42,300 Deborah's done more for dad than any 716 00:44:37,690 --> 00:44:45,840 other single person I very much doubt 717 00:44:42,300 --> 00:44:51,940 that I could have done that for him and 718 00:44:45,840 --> 00:44:58,120 that's hard that's very hard I think I'd 719 00:44:51,940 --> 00:45:00,670 have given up I wouldn't like to say 720 00:44:58,119 --> 00:45:05,619 what it was I really can't remember it's 721 00:45:00,670 --> 00:45:08,260 too hard I wanted him to walk without 722 00:45:05,619 --> 00:45:14,889 the aisle when I got married and he 723 00:45:08,260 --> 00:45:19,690 couldn't I wanted him to know that I'd 724 00:45:14,889 --> 00:45:28,210 had his grandchildren but he couldn't so 725 00:45:19,690 --> 00:45:33,599 he's he's a lovely person he's he's 726 00:45:28,210 --> 00:45:33,599 Clive now that's gone 727 00:45:48,739 --> 00:45:53,459 considering he's still one of the most 728 00:45:51,809 --> 00:45:57,389 I'm needed people in the world 729 00:45:53,460 --> 00:45:59,130 he's pretty peaceful considering he 730 00:45:57,389 --> 00:46:03,269 doesn't know where he is or what century 731 00:45:59,130 --> 00:46:06,050 it is oh well what time he got up that 732 00:46:03,269 --> 00:46:08,179 morning or all that he's in a place 733 00:46:06,050 --> 00:46:11,310 where he lives 734 00:46:08,179 --> 00:46:15,409 considering all of that his state of 735 00:46:11,309 --> 00:46:20,130 mind is extraordinarily calm happy 736 00:46:15,409 --> 00:46:25,859 content and very much himself he's 737 00:46:20,130 --> 00:46:27,930 himself if you could do anything now if 738 00:46:25,860 --> 00:46:30,059 you had free choice what would you do 739 00:46:27,929 --> 00:46:38,129 next I would Jim 740 00:46:30,059 --> 00:46:42,029 Tomica cigarette then of course waiting 741 00:46:38,130 --> 00:46:44,480 for time to allude and disappear and her 742 00:46:42,030 --> 00:46:44,480 arrival 743 00:46:45,210 --> 00:47:01,449 [Music] 744 00:47:02,989 --> 00:47:05,049 you 745 00:47:11,630 --> 00:47:13,690 you 86969

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