Original subtitles

[Music]

Clive wearing has one of the worst cases

of amnesia in the world

I know it's like we did now day or night

same thing no difference between dreams

and no sense at all a brain has been

totally inactive no dreams and no

thoughts of any kind whatever Clive was

a renowned conductor living in London

when he was struck down by a virus in

1985 parts of his brain were completely

destroyed including his memory however

his ability to play music is unaffected

do you feel different when you play

music no I didn't always like to play

with you they are unconscious you played

us some music about two minutes ago not

known to me I never heard him knows you

Clive's case became known to millions

when a television documentary was made

about him in 1986 alone and Confused in

hospital without his memory the only

person he recognized was his wife

Deborah I faked consciousness first I

just want to find out the play how

they've been doing what's being wrong

with me

20 years later clive only has a

seven-second memory before his mind goes

blank what has life been like for Clive

and his family

[Music]

do you know that we're making a film

about you know what's news to me

you're being filmed for television press

of course because you're very famous

about 20 years ago a film was made about

you oh yeah just after you became ill

called a prisoner of consciousness and

20 years on we're making a new film

about you because millions of people

watched the film and wanted to know how

you were good heavens so millions of

people know you we've been coming to see

you for several weeks see very paid to

come here thankfully we are live is 67

and lives in a brain injury unit where

he's under constant supervision

his wife Deborah lives 85 miles away in

Redding his illness has made it

impossible for them to live together for

20 years if Clive went out of the front

door unsupervised unaccompanied he would

have it would be like being separated

from a spaceship it would be like if he

was space walking and the rope broke he

would have no way of getting back ever

it does Clive know his name yes does he

never old hears no does he know where

you live no no I do does he know your

job no no idea

does he know the day of the week no does

he know the date yeah can you read a

book no because he can't remember the

sentence before last can you watch her

film no he'll watch the rugby or he'll

watch the crickets he oh he won't know

who's playing what the score is

but each stroke and each try is

satisfying for him to watch

[Music]

clive now has islands of memory just as

we can ride a bike or drive a car

without remembering how we were taught

clive can play and respond to music

because his innate musical abilities are

still there and weren't totally

destroyed by the virus deborah visits

clive on average once a month passionate

very loving funny very very comical and

he's very very self-effacing you know he

doesn't want to be a nuisance to anyone

he often apologizes to me and says I

must have been such a nuisance to you

I'm so sorry I mean he knows me we might

not remember anything about me but he

knows me so he knows what I'm like and

we're still very much a team I mean it

sounds odd when we see so little of each

other but we have very much a team what

does it mean to you when Deborah comes

to visit heaven on earth arrives and

what does it mean to you when Deborah

can't come and visit well I don't know

I've never been consciousness ever know

I don't know what I've been thinking

when she's not here I'd never seen her

before

either know the word yes I've never seen

any human being since I've bill first

four people I've seen in or 30 years and

if you're unconscious you didn't like it

much do what does being unconscious mean

same as death no difference in day and

night no thoughts at all they're not the

same and what does love mean just

wearing zero in tennis and everything in

life hmm

Clive became ill before he and Deborah

could start a family but Clive has three

children from his first marriage

I thought of my father as a wonderful

person mostly absent because my parents

split up when I was very young but when

I did see him he was always very jolly

very giving always laughing and we all

missed him never dared to ask him what

my name is I don't know if that's my

fear for him or my fear for myself I've

never asked him what my name is he knows

I'm his son and he'll always say you

should be this tall because he left home

when I was that tall since his illness

Clive has auditory hallucinations what I

struggle with the most is that the

intellectual Colossus that was my father

is reduced to making word games out of

card number plays you know it's just

there's a tiny fraction of him left now

[Music]

20 years ago Clive was a well-known

musician conductor an early music

producer for radio 3 he was a very

charismatic conductor he was working in

a field that was just cutting new ground

all the time he would transcribe from

original manuscripts and recreate the

music for a particular meal that the

Duke of Bavaria had with his

mother-in-law and what they wore and

what they had to eat and this was the

music and men he would make a radio

program took all his energy there wasn't

much time to sleep there were no

weekends he poured his whole being into

his work everybody used to say to him

Clive slow down he couldn't no one had

idea that Clive was about to become one

of the most extreme cases of amnesia in

the world

Clive's descent into brain damage came

frightening Lee quickly one week in

March 1985 when he came home from work

looking flushed and feverish on Saturday

his headache started by Tuesday he was

no better and he hadn't slept his

temperature was 102 by Wednesday he was

very confused and couldn't remember

Deborah's name his temperature was 104

doctors came and went and Deborah left

him sleeping but when she came home

Clive had disappeared from their flat I

called his name there was no reply I

went into the bedroom the bed was empty

and I knew something terrible had

happened over the next few hours Deborah

rang hospitals and police stations

across London no one had seen Clive sad

sad we sat and then a man's voice the

phone rang the man's voice said are you

mrs. Waring yes

we've got your husband thank God

Clive had gone out fully dressed with

his overcoat and a copy of The Times

under his arm hailed a cab but couldn't

remember where he lived he wanted to go

home and he couldn't remember where he

lived and the cab driver had dropped him

at West Ham's a police station and the

police had chased him by his Barclaycard

so we got there and we we took him home

and Clive went to walk past the gate and

I stopped him and I said no it's here

and he's it always this way we live and

I said yes and he didn't recognize the

building

two doctors made home visits and

concluded that Clive was suffering from

a severe bout of flu that was doing the

rounds in North London

but the friday morning he wasn't

answering me and i picked up one of his

arms and it was floppy so I rang the

doctor again I said he's gone

floppy he's gone floppy get here now and

the doctor came I took one look alive

and dialed 999 went out of the front

door walked down the stairs

and as he turned the landing he said

this is the strangest case I've ever

seen we got to the hospital and I just

remember going through these clear

plastic rubber doors they were lack of

valve and that as those doors flat shut

behind us you know it was just like our

life as we knew it was over once Clyde

was inside some Mary's Hospital the

doctors fought to halt his fever and

desperately conducted tests they

realized that Clive's brain was being

attacked by the herpes simplex or cold

sore virus occasionally this virus

crosses the blood-brain barrier and gets

into the brain nobody knows why or how

incredibly rare it happens about it's a

one-in-a-million chance that it's going

to happen and it caused an inflammation

of the brain which was called in careful

itis from what the doctors said about

how bad the temperature had been and how

ill he'd been I was very concerned that

he wasn't going to live I was I was

fairly convinced that I'd come to see my

dad die

and then he didn't Clive was given a new

drug called acyclovir it saved his life

but came too late to prevent brain

damage the virus had destroyed Clive's

hippocampus an area of the brain crucial

for memory and learning leaving him with

dense amnesia

how many years of I've email about 20

about 20 Kenney magistrates have one

night 20 years long with no dream that's

what it's been like just like this no

difference in dead night no thoughts at

all in that sense been totally painless

which is not something which is very

desirable really isn't it's precisely

like death if we have no spent senses of

pain you have no sense of any kind

working either

I don't remember sitting down on this

chair for example the city as it is that

was unknown to me I've never seen a

human being since I've been that's the

first photograph I see to anybody and

who is that face one of my son's I can't

remember his name

it's gone last time I knew mr. to school

that's how many years it's been a few

years before he would have died from it

and a few years later they might have

spotted it quicker or maybe a different

doctor might have spotted it quicker or

whatever so it was just on the cusp of

of that change and when that's you know

he suffered for that I think in my own

mind it was the question of is it right

that he's been ill for so many days and

how much damage has been done to his

brain in that time and whether it was

the right thing or the wrong thing that

he was treated and everybody fought for

him as much as they did

Clive remained it's Mary's pad

for seven years there was nowhere else

suitable for him to go his mood swung

from euphoria to sadness within weeks

and confusion and despair set in he was

in severe shock so he was crying all the

time he'd come in and you say oh hi I'm

your son yeah I said I don't recognize

you and then he'd be crying again and

you're just stuck in that loop for

months I said Clive can you tell me why

you're crying and he said no and I

handed him a little notepad and a pen

and I said can you write it I said just

write quickly why are you crying and he

wrote I am completely incapable of

thinking

I don't know he's applied here like

everybody else in the world to do please

please go

these messages were recorded on devvra's

answerphone minutes after she left him

revisited live daily but he couldn't

remember her being

first time I've seen a human being every

moment for Clive is the first moment

because the amnesia is rubbing

everything out immediately after it

happens not only does he not remember

anything that's happened to him since he

was ill he doesn't remember anything

that's ever happened to him in the whole

of his life he knows about things he

knows that he worked for the BBC but he

does not have any events in his mind

that he can bring to his mind's eye he

knows that we are married he does not

remember the wedding just 7:16 a.m.

first acts for government or what I'm

doing

first re-entry I've made consciously

Clive keeps a diary everyday and has

done for 20 years in an effort to make

sense of his life he writes multiple

entries recording his last conscious

moment he would look at his watch to see

what time was this momentous event

occurring a first consciousness and so

he would write down 1006 awake first

time and then had the same sensation in

but 1007 awake first time truly awake

first time ignore the last entry now I'm

awake this is the first real awakeness

and so the the diaries are line by line

a succession of astonished awakenings

that's 1990 when he'd been suffering

amnesia for just five years and this is

the effect on him seven years on but you

can see that he's by no means resolved

his anguish by no means he writes the

time now in big in a big hand and a tick

a tick to say yes that's authentic I I

wrote that it's authentic that's

definitely me awake he has to then cross

through the previous ticks and do a new

tick with a circle around it to say this

is the real one and that wasn't the real

one next time he comes back and so on so

there's a constant desperate series a

scrubbing out all the previous entries

and saying now I'm awake now I'm awake

and the pencils just become blurred and

it goes on and it's so thick the pencil

it's almost as if he's using the pencil

to dig himself into back into time to

try to fix himself in a continuum to

have more than one moment at a time but

he never can

people's and triplets Aria rubbish what

does that mean

did you write that I've no consciousness

consciousness

oh she ain't mean no for the first time

is it your handwriting yes I know

nothing about it at all so how do you

think it got there I did deserve a

daughter don't know but you must know I

haven't seen the book of total now no no

that's mean that means I haven't seen it

I have no noise over at all that's all

there's no knowledge of that book the

what it's entirely new to me but you put

I don't know but no no no no just don't

say anything

we'll use your intelligence the doctors

don't know why Clive's aggressive

outbursts have gradually stopped

[Music]

that's at least an hour a tradition our

three minute Saturdays yeah first time

I've seen my writing I see my room first

time see human beans in fact it says

you're here that you sure hates coffee

drinking three minutes past 10:00

that was unknown to me I've never seen

anyone except you or three people she

may know one lady

Clive's condition was hard for Deborah

to bear you asked me when did I decide

to divorce him and when did I decide to

leave it wasn't really a decision it was

an imperative

there was no way hey any human being

could continue in that way we had the

same dialogue in a loop tape repeated

verbatim with the same inflection the

same tone the voice the same expression

on the face for well nine that the whole

nine years until I left and we were

still having that conversation as I was

backing out of the room Clive became ill

and hospitalized only 18 months after

marrying Deborah three years after the

virus attacked his brain the strain on

their lives was beginning to show it's

like being a wife and Widow

simultaneously

I lost Clive or most of Clive three

years ago because without consciousness

he's in many senses dead to ease her

pain Deborah campaigned for seven years

to find Clive a secure and permanent

home with around-the-clock care that he

needed in 1992 he was finally moved to a

new specialist brain unit outside London

Deborah's mission was accomplished but

she had exhausted herself and Clive was

increasingly having fits in her presence

with no hope of living together again

Deborah divorced Clive and flew to

America

I was in my mid 30s I wanted kids I

didn't want to be on my own all the time

it was very lonely and I thought maybe

having a relationship with somebody else

having kids would help to heal the pain

I rang him up to say hello darling I've

arrived although of course he didn't

know I'd left because he didn't know I'd

ever been there and it didn't really

make any difference where I was he

didn't matter where I was in London or

New York or Timbuktu I tended to fall

for jested completely impossible people

who are all artists of some kind and as

soon as I came became close to anybody

and had conversations with them you know

the relationship just dissolve because

they weren't lying facing me I was

looking for Clive

I guess did he ever ask you when you

were coming home no did he ever ask you

what you were doing

no he showed no curiosity he just wants

to let me know that he was awake he'd

say hey tee

when are you coming and I'd say as soon

as I can and then he'd say oh please

come at the speed of light come at the

speed of light come by helicopter

[Music]

in 1996 Deborah had to make a choice

whether to remain in America and apply

for permanent residency and a green card

[Music]

she returned to the UK drawn back to

Clive she settled in Nottingham working

for the brain injury charity headway

Deborah had come full circle

and I came back still not knowing how to

live star with a huge emptiness the

great sucking emptiness inside that

could never be filled

still with a sense of needing to go home

but not have you know where's home

because home was where he was but I

couldn't be with him

[Music]

I was just going round and ever

decreasing circles that it was the same

was more of the same I'd reached really

the end of my tether and I rang a friend

and I asked her to pray for me she was

the only Christian I knew and as she was

whispering away to God and I just felt

this extraordinary power coming into me

and I knew that God was in my room I

just had this incredible sense that I

was really really loved I mean so loved

and that emptiness that I had been

trying to fill all those years with

relationships with food with alcohol I

was filled that emptiness was gone

[Music]

oh Jesus

Clive is visiting some Ethel greatest

church in London for the first time

since he recorded a concert there in

1982 she music to have the acoustic of

the just uses quite unlike that of a

concert hall yes there's lots of echoes

and long reverberation it's very special

in that way

listen see how quiet it is to some music

in the distance I remember last time we

were here you were conducting the lasas

Requiem mhm and it was for the the

lastest international Lassus festival

that you put on and you came in here and

none of the pews were here and you used

the whole building

hakushi you had it was far from a

concert he was actually a celebration of

the mass as if lasses had just died it

was extraordinary and it was so moving

that there were people here we were

crying yes and it was broadcast live to

five countries and you were directing it

and it was so moving it was so moving

that everyone was in tears that's how

good he is how good its director and

musical director you oh it was just live

and you gave the audience whether they

were sitting at home listening to the

radio or whether they were walking

around here in the dark with candlelight

flickering you gave them an experience

of something deep and profound and

spiritual and they went away after your

concerts and they were never the same

again

you say that I think that you said I

love this

[Music]

[Music]

save a car driver double CD find wearing

Clive makes phrases out of the letters

on car number plates as they flash past

[Music]

guess what my job is

Henry United Nations PR wow that's

amazing yeah I do

that's very clever you astound me

sometimes you take my breath away do you

know what I do for a living yes can you

see me doing meaningful stuff oh that's

an exciting Black's

nurtured a caesarian all the different

[Music]

Debra renewed her marriage vows with

Clive three years ago although they'll

always have to live apart I never seen

it before

hello hello is heaven oh hello is very

hello it's not familiar then where do

you think it is

guess where it could be anywhere do you

think there's anyone that do you think

you've ever been here before

there's my initials backwards WDC what

do you think we'll find when we listen

alcohol let's hope what do you think

life's been like for your father hell I

can't imagine anything worse must be

really frightening to be constantly

waking up to something that you don't

recognize you know every 7 seconds or

however however long that he's he can

remember anything for to turn around and

where am I and you do it again and you

don't know where you are I can't imagine

a thing more frightening must be like a

nightmare really must

[Music]

Debra is planning a momentous trip for

Clive best pub in the country you could

go anywhere where would you like to go

yeah

yesterday home is yesterday next Tuesday

are we going I live in Redding I see

yeah do you think you've ever been to

mating yes I have been yes I've been

going every season I suppose you could

have gone when Howard was studying them

hmm

yeah I didn't know you'd ever been there

never mentioned reading no it's not been

custom designed a memory game

yeah not a very interesting place No can

you name a town in Berkshire I can't I

can't no door do you know where I live

no guess I'm nine kids with are no I

know reading oh really

yeah spelt wrong actually reading

clive is going home for the first time

in 13 years

[Music]

remember the number plate here in 9 for

1 year and 9 for 1 back of another car

remember the phone number when your

invoice we want search for remarkably

Clive can still recall details from his

childhood numbers embedded in his memory

before he became ill there's another

guest expected for lunch Clive's

youngest son Edmund who has not seen his

father for 7 years things that I used to

do with my father

always revolved around his work it was

weird be either going to see getting to

places such as the British Museum for

his research or we'd be going to concert

venues or recording venues we would

often end up in churches and you could

walk into a church or a cathedral

anywhere in Europe and read it like a

book

he had a vast amount of knowledge and

that has just been wiped out it's been a

difficult time seconds before Edmunds

arrival Deborah has Prime Clive to

expect him for that lovely wife of yours

what does normality feel like to you

know great luxury and something that you

know to be really values and appreciate

it's very precious we haven't had a

family meal for 20 years

tipper what will this day mean to climb

nothing nothing in his conscious memory

I mean even while he's in here he

doesn't know we're here and when he's in

the car he won't know we've been here

and he won't remember anything of it you

know he doesn't remember anything that's

ever happened in the last 20 years ever

what do you say to Clive when he gets

confused and disorientated how do you

deal with that

but he's disoriented all the time it

doesn't matter because we don't need to

be in time we don't need to be in any

particular place it's worse we're in we

were on another plane Clive and I we

were we're in a world where there is no

time after four hours Debra has to take

Clive back to the brain injury unit well

I don't really want to answer that thank

you

I was just wondering how the day had

been

well it's just so sad but it's not you

know that's not our reality and it's

just so sad and why have you stayed away

for seven years it's too painful was it

easier to stay away oh yeah yeah it was

the easy way out they didn't seem any

point either because he didn't remember

he'd write it in his diary but it turned

over the page and start writing the next

day did you know who you were more or

less he needed to sometimes he'd need a

bit of prompting he's got a quick mind

if friends came up that he didn't

recognize and he understood that he was

supposed to recognize these people

then he would greet them like long-lost

friends and he'd work on on that until

somebody told him what he needed to know

it was always a difficult man to fool

you know and those were the things you

know that I was always pleased to see

because I knew that his mind was working

overtime and I knew that that was him

having that it's just a shadow

today clive sister Adele has come to see

him

and I used to take his children to see

him but he used to get pretty aggressive

if he was very angry you know there was

one occasion when I went to see him on

my own

and he he just when I said who I was he

attacked me almost you know grabbed hold

of me very aggressively and the staff

came in and sort of calmed it down but

he'd remembered me when I was younger he

just said no you know you're too old

like when how old do you think and he

went off to see when he was 15 years I

went to the Merchant Navy yeah I used to

go and visit him and it's just so

difficult and and not easy to talk to

him at all my husband had got no

connection with him found it much easier

he could talk about things that totally

irrelevant and quite happily carrying on

a conversation with him but I always

found that extremely difficult thing to

do

do you remember Adele sitting next to me

can you remember what she was wearing

I never seen

no such human beings I've seen three of

it two men and one lady the first piece

people I've seen since I don't know no

difference in day and night no thoughts

at all no dreams day and night that same

blank precise like death is it very hard

no exactly the same as being dead which

is not difficult was it we did it's easy

you don't do anything at all

you can't do it you're dead it's been

the same exactly yes I've never been

conscious to think that so I've never

been bored or upset no be anything same

as death no dreams even day and night

the same when you miss your old life you

say yes I miss my old life what do you

miss as a musician and in love you'll

say things like do you know what it's

like and that's really dangerous because

if you actually did I said yes so at

once because I was just saying yesterday

that was disastrous yeah and then I said

that again scene why because he says you

don't know what it's like how do you

know because he's right isn't he

yes there's no way you're gonna know

what it's like he still got some fight

in him oh yeah yeah but that's the thing

is probably 3/4 of his personalities

still they're functioning normally

he will analyse what's happened he said

well the doctors must be very interested

in this you know it's very unusual case

he worked it all out over and over again

because he doesn't really remember that

he worked it out an hour ago

[Music]

Deborah's done more for dad than any

other single person I very much doubt

that I could have done that for him and

that's hard that's very hard I think I'd

have given up I wouldn't like to say

what it was I really can't remember it's

too hard I wanted him to walk without

the aisle when I got married and he

couldn't I wanted him to know that I'd

had his grandchildren but he couldn't so

he's he's a lovely person he's he's

Clive now that's gone

considering he's still one of the most

I'm needed people in the world

he's pretty peaceful considering he

doesn't know where he is or what century

it is oh well what time he got up that

morning or all that he's in a place

where he lives

considering all of that his state of

mind is extraordinarily calm happy

content and very much himself he's

himself if you could do anything now if

you had free choice what would you do

next I would Jim

Tomica cigarette then of course waiting

for time to allude and disappear and her

arrival

[Music]

you

you