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1
00:00:00,375 --> 00:00:02,722
Today, Sam Riley kicked
a soccer ball,
2
00:00:02,847 --> 00:00:05,947
and it hit another kid so hard,
his eye popped out.
3
00:00:06,295 --> 00:00:07,242
Awesome.
4
00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:09,500
Really?
His eye popped out?
5
00:00:09,852 --> 00:00:12,011
Well, got to hit the sack.
Big Saturday tomorrow.
6
00:00:12,410 --> 00:00:14,676
That's right.
It's somebody's birthday.
7
00:00:14,745 --> 00:00:15,558
Not just that --
8
00:00:15,559 --> 00:00:18,405
The ipad comes out on
my actual birthday.
9
00:00:18,406 --> 00:00:20,605
It's like steve jobs and god
10
00:00:20,606 --> 00:00:22,258
Got together to say,
"we love you, phil."
11
00:00:22,259 --> 00:00:23,977
What is so great about
that doohickey, anyhow?
12
00:00:23,978 --> 00:00:25,197
"doohickey," elly may?
13
00:00:26,122 --> 00:00:29,706
It's a movie theater,
a library, and a music store
14
00:00:29,707 --> 00:00:32,634
All rolled into one awesome pad.
15
00:00:32,635 --> 00:00:35,225
A library is a place
where people get books.
16
00:00:35,226 --> 00:00:37,220
A movie theater is a place
where people go on dates.
17
00:00:37,221 --> 00:00:39,566
I better load the beach
chair into the trunk.
18
00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:40,839
I'm gonna need it for
the line in the morning.
19
00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:42,325
Wait, honey, hang on.
20
00:00:42,326 --> 00:00:44,127
You can't spend your
birthday in line.
21
00:00:44,128 --> 00:00:45,366
Well, not the whole day.
22
00:00:45,367 --> 00:00:47,829
I have to be there at 6:00,
or forget about it,
23
00:00:47,830 --> 00:00:48,850
And then I'm out by 10:00.
24
00:00:48,851 --> 00:00:49,983
Why don't you let me do it?
25
00:00:49,984 --> 00:00:51,790
Claire, you don't
have to do that.
26
00:00:51,791 --> 00:00:53,759
No, I know, but I want to.
27
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:54,969
And that way, on your birthday,
28
00:00:54,970 --> 00:00:57,717
You'll wake up, and you'll
have your brand-new...Toy.
29
00:00:59,469 --> 00:01:00,622
Okay.
30
00:01:01,513 --> 00:01:03,114
Well, in spite of you
calling it a toy,
31
00:01:03,115 --> 00:01:05,994
This is shaping up to top the
best birthday I ever had.
32
00:01:06,694 --> 00:01:08,162
Oh, thank god we
didn't have to hear
33
00:01:08,163 --> 00:01:09,662
That stupid story about --
34
00:01:09,663 --> 00:01:11,869
It was called the fun zone.
I was 11.
35
00:01:11,870 --> 00:01:14,675
I hit 10 straight fastballs
in the batting cage.
36
00:01:14,676 --> 00:01:16,940
Then my best friend,
jeff sweeney,
37
00:01:16,941 --> 00:01:18,633
Stepped in and took
one in the groin.
38
00:01:18,634 --> 00:01:20,965
I yelled out, "ball two!"
39
00:01:20,966 --> 00:01:23,593
Everybody laughed.
40
00:01:23,594 --> 00:01:25,944
That was when I
knew I was funny.
41
00:01:27,772 --> 00:01:28,992
Good night.
42
00:01:30,036 --> 00:01:33,841
B-e-l-I-e-v-e. Believe.
43
00:01:33,842 --> 00:01:36,488
Are you sure there's not
an e-I in the middle?
44
00:01:36,489 --> 00:01:37,929
No. It's I-e.
45
00:01:37,930 --> 00:01:38,887
Good, papi.
46
00:01:38,888 --> 00:01:39,813
If I can't fool you,
47
00:01:39,814 --> 00:01:41,815
Then your teachers
can't fool you, either.
48
00:01:41,816 --> 00:01:43,807
I don't think they're
trying to fool me.
49
00:01:43,808 --> 00:01:46,251
Wait until you see what I
got phil for his birthday.
50
00:01:46,252 --> 00:01:48,726
I found it on the
skymall catalog.
51
00:01:48,727 --> 00:01:51,636
Uh, it's not one of those
talking alarm clocks?
52
00:01:51,637 --> 00:01:54,045
"it's 6:05." "it's 6:25."
53
00:01:54,046 --> 00:01:55,323
"wake up. Wake up."
54
00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:58,200
Even better - a
rosewood chess set.
55
00:01:58,201 --> 00:01:59,880
As a matter of fact,
before I wrap this thing,
56
00:01:59,881 --> 00:02:00,997
What say we take it for a spin?
57
00:02:00,998 --> 00:02:02,480
Come on, manny. I'll teach you.
58
00:02:02,481 --> 00:02:04,175
He knows how to play.
His father taught him.
59
00:02:04,176 --> 00:02:06,916
I'm gonna teach him real chess,
not the colombian version.
60
00:02:06,917 --> 00:02:08,840
We actually use the
pieces to play the game,
61
00:02:08,841 --> 00:02:10,375
Not smuggle stuff
out of the country.
62
00:02:10,376 --> 00:02:12,388
Eh, I know one colombian piece
63
00:02:12,389 --> 00:02:13,813
You won't be playing with later.
64
00:02:13,814 --> 00:02:15,343
Manny, come on.
Let's see what you got.
65
00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:16,297
You'd be surprised.
66
00:02:21,250 --> 00:02:22,965
Manny's an excellent player.
67
00:02:22,966 --> 00:02:24,974
But jay is a grumpy loser.
68
00:02:24,975 --> 00:02:27,844
He mopes, he makes the face,
he slams the door,
69
00:02:27,845 --> 00:02:29,479
Then he said he
didn't slam the door.
70
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:32,215
It's better that he wins.
71
00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:39,550
Oh, I got this. Yeah.
72
00:02:43,974 --> 00:02:45,640
Everything's gonna be okay.
73
00:02:45,641 --> 00:02:47,671
It's okay.
74
00:02:47,672 --> 00:02:49,197
It's okay.
75
00:02:49,198 --> 00:02:50,430
Cam!
76
00:02:51,333 --> 00:02:53,379
Cam! Leave me alone.
77
00:02:53,380 --> 00:02:56,092
No, there -- there's a -
thers a man in lily's room.
78
00:02:56,093 --> 00:02:56,934
Huh?
79
00:02:56,935 --> 00:02:58,201
There's a man in lily's room!
80
00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:03,067
It's go time.
81
00:03:10,823 --> 00:03:12,316
Oh, thank god.
82
00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:15,285
No, no! It's me, it's me,
it's me, it's me, it's me.
83
00:03:15,732 --> 00:03:17,146
E's fine. She's fine.
84
00:03:17,147 --> 00:03:18,686
We must have just heard a
neighbor with the same monitor.
85
00:03:18,687 --> 00:03:19,641
Thank god.
86
00:03:20,314 --> 00:03:22,085
Boy, if a spider
would've broken in here,
87
00:03:22,086 --> 00:03:24,459
He would've been in trou-u-ble.
88
00:03:27,422 --> 00:03:30,104
-The Tuunz e Addic7ed-
89
00:03:30,105 --> 00:03:32,383
Trancript by Addic7ed
Synchronized by Maubri
90
00:03:41,051 --> 00:03:42,499
Light-up barbecue tongs.
91
00:03:42,742 --> 00:03:44,714
This was the lame
gift I got phil.
92
00:03:45,595 --> 00:03:46,444
So...
93
00:03:46,445 --> 00:03:48,474
was I bummed to get up at 5:
00 in the morning
94
00:03:48,475 --> 00:03:49,340
And wait in line?
95
00:03:49,736 --> 00:03:50,672
No.
96
00:03:50,673 --> 00:03:52,680
No, because I was finally
getting my husband
97
00:03:52,681 --> 00:03:54,965
Something that he really,
really wanted.
98
00:03:54,966 --> 00:03:57,420
I was every bit as
excited as he was.
99
00:04:04,647 --> 00:04:06,013
No.
100
00:04:07,636 --> 00:04:09,598
Okay.
101
00:04:16,982 --> 00:04:17,936
Hey, buddy.
102
00:04:17,937 --> 00:04:20,463
I hope you're not upset about
our chess match yesterday.
103
00:04:20,464 --> 00:04:21,726
Hey, what do you
say we play again?
104
00:04:21,727 --> 00:04:22,933
I'm good.
105
00:04:22,934 --> 00:04:23,889
That's the spirit.
106
00:04:24,740 --> 00:04:26,153
Downloaded this for you.
107
00:04:26,154 --> 00:04:27,968
It's kind of a kid's
guide to chess.
108
00:04:27,969 --> 00:04:30,082
No, jay. I'm good.
109
00:04:30,083 --> 00:04:32,657
Ah, it's not all dry like that.
They have fun with it.
110
00:04:32,658 --> 00:04:35,761
See, you can color in the little
players with your crayons.
111
00:04:35,762 --> 00:04:37,744
Now you are making me
want to play again.
112
00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:38,932
Now we're lighting a fire.
113
00:04:38,933 --> 00:04:40,132
Let me toss this out.
114
00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:43,777
If you beat me,
if that day should ever come,
115
00:04:43,778 --> 00:04:46,291
I'll give you, uh...
116
00:04:46,292 --> 00:04:48,084
I want your watch.
117
00:04:48,085 --> 00:04:50,024
Wow. You had that
loaded up, huh?
118
00:04:50,025 --> 00:04:52,823
Okay. Game on.
119
00:04:54,391 --> 00:04:57,415
Now, I want you to go first.
120
00:04:57,416 --> 00:04:59,936
Now, remember, try to open
up the middle of the board.
121
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:03,100
I'd have moved that guy
two spaces --
122
00:05:03,101 --> 00:05:04,032
More aggressive.
123
00:05:05,175 --> 00:05:07,511
And you don't want to bring
your queen out that quickly.
124
00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:10,643
See, now, you could have
protected that with that,
125
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:11,643
But now you're vulnerable to --
126
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:13,595
Checkmate. Huh?
127
00:05:13,596 --> 00:05:15,170
What?
128
00:05:15,171 --> 00:05:16,212
How'd you do that?
129
00:05:19,806 --> 00:05:21,781
You will not believe
what's going on
130
00:05:21,782 --> 00:05:22,771
At jake and debbie's house.
131
00:05:22,772 --> 00:05:23,662
Who?
132
00:05:23,663 --> 00:05:25,753
The people on the monitor.
They must live nearby.
133
00:05:25,754 --> 00:05:26,785
So much drama.
134
00:05:26,786 --> 00:05:30,760
Okay, jake told debbie
that he had to work late,
135
00:05:30,761 --> 00:05:32,937
So she called his boss and
found out that he didn't.
136
00:05:32,938 --> 00:05:34,228
Busted!
137
00:05:34,229 --> 00:05:35,990
So she spent all
morning on the phone
138
00:05:35,991 --> 00:05:37,886
Crying and crying and
crying to her mother
139
00:05:37,887 --> 00:05:40,563
And said if jake has to
work "late" one more time,
140
00:05:40,564 --> 00:05:42,395
She's filing for divorce.
141
00:05:43,872 --> 00:05:44,795
Huh.
142
00:05:44,796 --> 00:05:48,234
That's it? I give you that tasty dish,
and all you give me is a "huh"?
143
00:05:48,235 --> 00:05:50,538
I'm -- I'm s-- cam,
I froze last night.
144
00:05:50,539 --> 00:05:51,453
I froze.
145
00:05:51,454 --> 00:05:54,162
I-I thought lily was in danger,
and I froze.
146
00:05:54,163 --> 00:05:56,027
But not you -- no,
you sprung right into action.
147
00:05:56,028 --> 00:05:58,608
You even had the cool
"it's go time" line.
148
00:05:58,609 --> 00:05:59,965
That comes to me naturally.
149
00:05:59,966 --> 00:06:01,092
I spent a year as
a crossing guard.
150
00:06:01,093 --> 00:06:03,466
Cam, I mean,
what kind of parent am I
151
00:06:03,467 --> 00:06:06,013
If I can't even protect
my own family, you know?
152
00:06:06,014 --> 00:06:09,163
J-j-just once I would love to
be the - the guy with no fear
153
00:06:09,164 --> 00:06:10,662
Who can stand up and...
154
00:06:10,663 --> 00:06:13,094
I don't know, you know,
kick some ass.
155
00:06:13,095 --> 00:06:15,194
You're so cute when you're
angry with your little fists.
156
00:06:15,195 --> 00:06:16,845
I just want to put
you in my pocket.
157
00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:20,352
I think he's coming.
158
00:06:20,353 --> 00:06:20,906
He's coming?
159
00:06:20,907 --> 00:06:23,265
here he comes. Dad!
160
00:06:23,266 --> 00:06:24,338
Happy birthday! Happy birthday!
161
00:06:24,339 --> 00:06:26,779
Happy birthday, dad.
You guys, that's awesome.
162
00:06:26,780 --> 00:06:28,764
Oh, who are these from?
163
00:06:28,765 --> 00:06:29,889
Cam and mitchell.
164
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,841
Those guys are a class act.
165
00:06:31,842 --> 00:06:33,819
We're making you breakfast.
Uh-huh.
166
00:06:33,820 --> 00:06:34,944
French waffle cakes.
167
00:06:34,945 --> 00:06:36,106
Let me guess --
168
00:06:36,107 --> 00:06:39,770
One waffle in between two
pieces of french toast,
169
00:06:39,771 --> 00:06:41,528
Wrapped in a pancake.
170
00:06:41,529 --> 00:06:42,607
Nailed it.
171
00:06:42,608 --> 00:06:44,398
Bring it in here, monkeys.
172
00:06:44,399 --> 00:06:46,010
Love you!
173
00:06:46,011 --> 00:06:47,172
Get over here!
174
00:06:47,173 --> 00:06:48,684
Good enough.
175
00:06:48,685 --> 00:06:49,792
Where's mom?
176
00:06:49,793 --> 00:06:51,619
You mean the greateswoman
in the world?
177
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:54,396
She is standing in line
at the apple store,
178
00:06:54,397 --> 00:06:56,489
Making all my birthday
wishes come true.
179
00:06:56,490 --> 00:06:58,719
Aww. Let's see how
these bad boys taste.
180
00:07:00,699 --> 00:07:02,962
Are you okay?
Esh out of the oven, eh?
181
00:07:02,963 --> 00:07:03,921
That is --
182
00:07:03,922 --> 00:07:05,546
Do you want some ice? Yes.
183
00:07:05,547 --> 00:07:07,563
Oh, man, this --
184
00:07:07,564 --> 00:07:10,116
oh, that feels better.
That feels better.
185
00:07:10,117 --> 00:07:11,178
Really? Good.
186
00:07:11,179 --> 00:07:13,074
No, it actually -- that...
Feels weird.
187
00:07:13,075 --> 00:07:14,617
That burns in a
different way! Ow!
188
00:07:14,618 --> 00:07:15,800
Oh!
189
00:07:15,801 --> 00:07:17,320
Don't wash this until we see
190
00:07:17,321 --> 00:07:19,091
If I can get my skin back, okay?
191
00:07:22,841 --> 00:07:24,042
Let me see it!
192
00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:25,946
Oh, your party's
not until tonight.
193
00:07:25,947 --> 00:07:27,072
You're just gonna have to wait.
194
00:07:27,073 --> 00:07:27,898
Just let me see the bag.
195
00:07:27,899 --> 00:07:29,325
Did you leave it
in the car? Yeah.
196
00:07:29,326 --> 00:07:31,463
Hey, who'd you deal with?
Was it a guy named mehar?
197
00:07:31,464 --> 00:07:32,434
They call him "the beast." oh.
198
00:07:32,435 --> 00:07:34,474
He's a tiny guy. He must
move a ton of product. Oh.
199
00:07:35,282 --> 00:07:37,079
I kind of love that
you're making me wait.
200
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,278
you are the best wife ever!
201
00:07:39,279 --> 00:07:41,959
You are the best wife ever!
202
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,774
Oh, I didn't get you the ipad.
203
00:07:43,775 --> 00:07:46,473
I got to the store,
and they were all out.
204
00:07:46,474 --> 00:07:47,164
I'm so sorry.
205
00:07:47,165 --> 00:07:49,536
I don't understand.
My online buddies got it.
206
00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:50,079
Mm.
207
00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:52,376
Sat800 and brobot didn't
get there until 8:00,
208
00:07:52,377 --> 00:07:53,832
And you definitely got
there before they did,
209
00:07:53,833 --> 00:07:54,788
Because you got there at 6:30.
210
00:07:55,528 --> 00:07:56,554
No, no, no.
211
00:07:56,555 --> 00:07:58,273
You didn't get there at 6:
30? Where were you?
212
00:07:58,274 --> 00:08:00,485
I-I set the alarm for 5:00.
Got up.
213
00:08:00,486 --> 00:08:01,832
I came downstairs.
I fell asleep.
214
00:08:01,833 --> 00:08:03,930
No!! Ohh.
215
00:08:03,931 --> 00:08:05,115
Oh, my goodness.
What have I done?
216
00:08:05,116 --> 00:08:07,852
What have I done? I should've done
this myself. Sweee, you know what?
217
00:08:07,853 --> 00:08:09,441
They're gonna get
more in next week.
218
00:08:09,442 --> 00:08:13,127
Next week? That's, like, the worst
thing you can say to an early adopter.
219
00:08:14,212 --> 00:08:15,403
Where are you going?
220
00:08:15,404 --> 00:08:18,205
To a place where birthdays
still mean something.
221
00:08:26,776 --> 00:08:27,896
I'll get that.
222
00:08:29,026 --> 00:08:30,634
Hey, manny. Mitchell?
223
00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:32,251
What are you doing here at...
224
00:08:32,252 --> 00:08:34,990
4:17 on a Saturday afternoon?
225
00:08:34,991 --> 00:08:38,065
Oh, I'm just returning my dad's,
uh, belt of tools, so --
226
00:08:38,066 --> 00:08:40,574
At 4:17 on a Saturday afternoon?
227
00:08:40,575 --> 00:08:42,412
Don't you have
something better to do?
228
00:08:42,413 --> 00:08:44,917
hey.
229
00:08:44,918 --> 00:08:47,359
So, were you a big hit? Uh,
what do you mean?
230
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,692
Well, I just assumed it was
some kind of costume party.
231
00:08:49,693 --> 00:08:51,106
Was -- was cam the indian?
232
00:08:51,107 --> 00:08:52,284
No, for your information, dad,
233
00:08:52,285 --> 00:08:54,751
We were actually doing a little
construction at the house.
234
00:08:54,752 --> 00:08:55,843
Oh. What did you build?
235
00:08:55,844 --> 00:08:57,634
A gift-wrapping stion.
236
00:08:57,635 --> 00:08:58,603
And we're back.
237
00:08:58,604 --> 00:09:01,240
So... Thank you for that.
238
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:02,196
You're welcome.
239
00:09:02,197 --> 00:09:06,030
Hey, uh, dad, do you remember
when I was, uh, probably 11
240
00:09:06,031 --> 00:09:08,197
And you were teaching me how to fight,
and then I quit?
241
00:09:08,198 --> 00:09:10,358
Yeah, when you said everything
you needed to learn,
242
00:09:10,359 --> 00:09:11,757
You'd learned from "
west side story."
243
00:09:11,758 --> 00:09:13,044
Yeah. How'd that
work out for you?
244
00:09:13,045 --> 00:09:15,313
If I'm ever in a dance fight,
I'll let you know.
245
00:09:15,948 --> 00:09:17,564
So, yeah.
246
00:09:17,565 --> 00:09:20,196
Is the -- is the -- is the offer,
uh, still good?
247
00:09:20,197 --> 00:09:22,588
Why? What's the matter?
You got problems with cam?
248
00:09:22,589 --> 00:09:24,981
No! No. Why -- why would you
why would you say that?
249
00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:27,967
Well, come on. I mean, you know,
sharing a room with a guy?
250
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:29,559
I mean, I bunked
with my brother.
251
00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:30,871
I know that can
get pretty rough.
252
00:09:30,872 --> 00:09:32,563
I don't "bunk" with cam.
253
00:09:32,564 --> 00:09:34,946
Dad, I-I just want to learn a
little self-defense, you know?
254
00:09:34,947 --> 00:09:36,359
Show me what you remember.
255
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,699
Right -- right now? Yeah.
256
00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:40,548
Um...Okay.
257
00:09:40,549 --> 00:09:41,681
Uh, gosh, uh...
258
00:09:42,398 --> 00:09:43,465
Thumbs out.
259
00:09:43,466 --> 00:09:45,332
Thumbs -- attaboy. And then...
260
00:09:51,801 --> 00:09:53,250
That wasn't -- that wasn't
very pretty, was it?
261
00:09:53,251 --> 00:09:54,967
You know what? Maybe it was
a little too pretty.
262
00:09:54,968 --> 00:09:56,459
That's the thing.
263
00:09:57,122 --> 00:09:58,306
Here it goes.
264
00:09:59,351 --> 00:10:00,501
Oh! Oh! Oh!
265
00:10:00,502 --> 00:10:01,082
Man. No.
266
00:10:01,083 --> 00:10:03,386
Buddy, I think the problem is
267
00:10:03,387 --> 00:10:05,252
You're not jumping
from high enough.
268
00:10:06,054 --> 00:10:07,834
You should get on
top of the garage.
269
00:10:07,835 --> 00:10:09,412
Alex, stop trying to
kill your brother.
270
00:10:09,413 --> 00:10:10,546
Listen, guys, I need your help.
271
00:10:10,547 --> 00:10:12,623
We've got to find your dad
one of those ipad thingies.
272
00:10:12,624 --> 00:10:14,591
So, haley,
text everyone you know.
273
00:10:14,592 --> 00:10:18,223
Alex, facebook, chat, tweet,
buzz, bling -- I don't know --
274
00:10:18,224 --> 00:10:19,380
Just do what you have to do.
275
00:10:19,381 --> 00:10:21,164
We have got to find one
of these ipads, okay?
276
00:10:21,165 --> 00:10:23,821
Luke, sweetie, that means
stay out of everyone's way
277
00:10:23,822 --> 00:10:25,798
And stop inhaling the balloons.
278
00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:27,224
I'm not inhaling them.
279
00:10:27,225 --> 00:10:28,088
Stop lying.
280
00:10:30,686 --> 00:10:32,192
How did she know?
281
00:10:34,248 --> 00:10:35,910
Didn't your mama teach you
282
00:10:35,911 --> 00:10:38,988
Never to take a ride
from a stranger?!
283
00:10:38,989 --> 00:10:40,752
Got a little vacation
time coming up?
284
00:10:40,753 --> 00:10:42,753
Have fun on the moon!
285
00:10:42,754 --> 00:10:44,485
Not feeling too well lately?
286
00:10:44,486 --> 00:10:46,970
Maybe you should come
see the doctor...
287
00:10:46,971 --> 00:10:49,719
And I'll...Get rid of it!
288
00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:53,254
What's that supposed to mean?
289
00:10:55,299 --> 00:10:58,517
Woman on p.A.: Attention -- if you're
here for phil's birthday
party,
290
00:10:58,518 --> 00:11:00,391
They're gathering in the picnic area.
291
00:11:00,392 --> 00:11:02,122
Phil's birthday party.
292
00:11:02,123 --> 00:11:04,010
My wife knew I'd be here.
293
00:11:04,011 --> 00:11:06,216
She put together a
whole party for me.
294
00:11:06,217 --> 00:11:08,656
Does that really make up
for not getting an ipad?
295
00:11:08,657 --> 00:11:10,769
Don't make me sorry I
shared that with you, okay?
296
00:11:11,595 --> 00:11:12,730
See you, fellas.
297
00:11:17,708 --> 00:11:19,153
Howdy do.
298
00:11:19,154 --> 00:11:22,535
I just heard the announcement
for phil's birthday party.
299
00:11:22,536 --> 00:11:24,488
Oh, yeah. It's right
around the corner.
300
00:11:24,489 --> 00:11:25,750
Awesome. Have fun.
301
00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:27,500
Thank you. Thanks, milady.
302
00:11:36,798 --> 00:11:39,755
Happy birthday,
phil! Happy birthday, phil!
303
00:11:39,756 --> 00:11:40,752
Whoa.
304
00:11:40,753 --> 00:11:42,243
This is awesome!
305
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,634
Hello?
306
00:11:58,635 --> 00:12:00,886
No, that's fine. I'm just putting
the baby down.
307
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:03,280
Okay, that's jake. He's the
one that's having an affair.
308
00:12:03,281 --> 00:12:04,772
I know.
309
00:12:04,773 --> 00:12:06,200
Yeah, I can do it tomorrow night.
310
00:12:06,201 --> 00:12:08,098
I'll just give my wife some excuse.
311
00:12:09,131 --> 00:12:10,717
Men are pigs.
312
00:12:10,718 --> 00:12:12,404
I don't really have a choice,
do I?
313
00:12:12,405 --> 00:12:14,674
Yeah, you could not cheat on her.
How about that?!
314
00:12:14,675 --> 00:12:16,530
Because it has to be a surprise.
315
00:12:16,531 --> 00:12:19,133
When she hears me speaking itali
an to her grandmother,
316
00:12:19,134 --> 00:12:21,203
It'll be worth all th is
sneaking around.
317
00:12:21,204 --> 00:12:23,327
Lily, I had it backwards.
He's wonderful.
318
00:12:23,328 --> 00:12:25,418
No, don't worry. I'll just tell
h er I'm working late.
319
00:12:25,419 --> 00:12:26,491
No, jake, don't do that!
320
00:12:26,492 --> 00:12:27,688
That's the worst
thing you could do!
321
00:12:27,689 --> 00:12:29,137
Buona notte.
322
00:12:29,138 --> 00:12:30,994
Oh, no. Lily,
what are we gonna do?
323
00:12:30,995 --> 00:12:32,303
We have to fix this.
324
00:12:34,597 --> 00:12:36,093
Okay, mitchell,
I'm gonna teach you
325
00:12:36,094 --> 00:12:38,477
A couple of basic
brazilian jujitsu moves.
326
00:12:39,158 --> 00:12:41,709
Now, just -- just attack me.
327
00:12:41,710 --> 00:12:42,883
I'm sorry. What?
328
00:12:42,884 --> 00:12:45,428
Take any deep-seated
anger you may have,
329
00:12:45,429 --> 00:12:46,814
Get a running start,
and come at me.
330
00:12:46,815 --> 00:12:48,480
Dad, I don't have any
deep-seated anger.
331
00:12:48,481 --> 00:12:51,058
Remember that Halloween when I wouldn't
let you go as olivia newton-john?
332
00:12:51,059 --> 00:12:52,249
Aaaaaaah!
333
00:12:52,250 --> 00:12:53,175
Oh! Ugh!
334
00:12:53,176 --> 00:12:54,567
You see what I did? Oh, yeah.
335
00:12:54,568 --> 00:12:55,809
I used your momentum
against you.
336
00:12:55,810 --> 00:12:57,850
Now, learned this choke
from the gracie brothers.
337
00:12:57,851 --> 00:12:59,684
It's called the lion
killer - mata-leao.
338
00:12:59,685 --> 00:13:01,865
okay.
339
00:13:01,866 --> 00:13:03,167
Now, try to get out.
Try to get out.
340
00:13:03,168 --> 00:13:03,985
There, you see.
341
00:13:03,986 --> 00:13:07,059
Yeah, all right,
now... Impressive.
342
00:13:07,060 --> 00:13:08,225
...See, the beauty of this
343
00:13:08,226 --> 00:13:10,274
Is you don't have to make
the first move, you know?
344
00:13:10,275 --> 00:13:12,432
Chances are, your opponent's
gonna be overconfident.
345
00:13:12,433 --> 00:13:14,199
He's gonna think you
don't know anything.
346
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,501
Basically, he's being
suckered into thinking --
347
00:13:16,502 --> 00:13:17,586
Manny.
348
00:13:17,587 --> 00:13:20,295
Manny -- that little bastard.
He hustled me.
349
00:13:21,856 --> 00:13:22,937
Oh, crap.
350
00:13:23,927 --> 00:13:25,533
Oh, crap.
351
00:13:25,534 --> 00:13:26,412
Mitchell.
352
00:13:27,266 --> 00:13:28,772
Oh, ap.
353
00:13:28,773 --> 00:13:30,148
All right, come on.
354
00:13:30,149 --> 00:13:31,226
Yeah, breathe.
355
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:32,590
Taboy. What?
356
00:13:32,591 --> 00:13:34,009
You all right? Come around.
357
00:13:34,010 --> 00:13:35,477
Huh? Why am I on the floor?
358
00:13:35,478 --> 00:13:36,193
Come on, mitchell.
359
00:13:39,092 --> 00:13:40,975
Haley, I just struck out again.
360
00:13:40,976 --> 00:13:42,270
Please tell me you
have some good news.
361
00:13:42,271 --> 00:13:44,307
Okay, so, the grove
just got in a shipment.
362
00:13:44,308 --> 00:13:45,655
I'm texting you the
directions now.
363
00:13:45,656 --> 00:13:47,502
Oh! Okay, that's good.
364
00:13:47,503 --> 00:13:49,184
That's good. That's good.
365
00:13:50,266 --> 00:13:52,243
I'm there. I'm on that.
366
00:13:56,727 --> 00:13:58,199
That kid stole my watch.
367
00:13:58,200 --> 00:13:59,216
Huh? Manny: What?
368
00:13:59,217 --> 00:14:00,790
He hustled me at chess.
369
00:14:00,791 --> 00:14:04,081
I thought you promised you
were gonna let him win.
370
00:14:04,082 --> 00:14:05,235
I did the first time.
371
00:14:05,236 --> 00:14:06,697
Wait a minute.
Y-you're in on it, too?
372
00:14:06,698 --> 00:14:08,882
Manny, go and get
dressed for the party.
373
00:14:08,883 --> 00:14:10,109
Do I have time for a steam?
374
00:14:10,110 --> 00:14:11,333
Yeah, but a quick one.
375
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:12,164
Okay.
376
00:14:12,165 --> 00:14:13,606
Why would you tell
him to lose to me?
377
00:14:13,607 --> 00:14:15,560
Because you're like a
baby when you don't win,
378
00:14:15,561 --> 00:14:18,005
With the kicking
and the eyebrows
379
00:14:18,006 --> 00:14:20,336
And the angry eating of
the sunflower seeds --
380
00:14:20,337 --> 00:14:21,242
"ni-ni-ni"!
381
00:14:21,243 --> 00:14:22,401
Actually, that's not true.
382
00:14:22,402 --> 00:14:24,371
I don't mind losing
to a chess genius,
383
00:14:24,372 --> 00:14:26,108
Which manny obviously is.
384
00:14:26,109 --> 00:14:28,523
Chess genius? He's not
even as good as I am.
385
00:14:28,524 --> 00:14:30,795
You're not that good in chess.
I beat you on our honeymoon.
386
00:14:30,796 --> 00:14:32,049
Or did I let you win?
387
00:14:32,050 --> 00:14:33,103
You didn't let me win.
388
00:14:34,365 --> 00:14:38,508
Why would I sacrifice my
queen for your pawn, jay?
389
00:14:38,509 --> 00:14:39,855
Huh? Huh?
390
00:14:44,138 --> 00:14:44,809
Huh?
391
00:14:44,810 --> 00:14:45,899
Stop saying that.
392
00:14:52,377 --> 00:14:54,768
Luke, honey, hi.
What's going on?
393
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,536
The guy came with dad's cake,
394
00:14:56,537 --> 00:14:58,777
But just so you know,
it's missing a piece.
395
00:14:58,778 --> 00:15:00,784
Luke, did you take a bite
out of your father's cake?
396
00:15:00,785 --> 00:15:01,884
No.
397
00:15:01,885 --> 00:15:03,142
Stop lying, luke.
398
00:15:03,143 --> 00:15:04,073
I-I'm not lying.
399
00:15:04,074 --> 00:15:07,008
By the way, I used your
credit card to pay him.
400
00:15:07,009 --> 00:15:07,875
Is that all righ?
401
00:15:07,876 --> 00:15:10,951
oh, no. That's fine. Whatever.
402
00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,101
That's why I left
the wallet there.
403
00:15:13,309 --> 00:15:14,366
Oh, my god.
404
00:15:15,932 --> 00:15:16,828
Oh, my god!
405
00:15:16,829 --> 00:15:19,436
I left the wallet there.
406
00:15:19,437 --> 00:15:20,340
I left the w--
407
00:15:20,341 --> 00:15:22,681
Your poor father - all
this running around,
408
00:15:22,682 --> 00:15:25,007
And he's gonna think nobody
cares about him on his birthday.
409
00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:26,146
More cake?
410
00:15:26,878 --> 00:15:28,115
Why not, little phil?
411
00:15:28,596 --> 00:15:30,245
I got no place else to go.
412
00:15:41,843 --> 00:15:43,033
Sir, hi. Excuse me.
413
00:15:43,034 --> 00:15:45,866
Um, yes, I-I know this
is highly unusual,
414
00:15:45,867 --> 00:15:48,382
But I need your help
to save a marriage.
415
00:15:48,383 --> 00:15:50,258
There a couple in
this neighborhood
416
00:15:50,259 --> 00:15:52,635
That is about to get a divorce
for a simple misunderstanding.
417
00:15:52,636 --> 00:15:54,386
Their name is jake and debbie.
418
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:56,637
And I know you've taken an oath
419
00:15:56,638 --> 00:15:58,422
To not tell people where
other people live,
420
00:15:58,423 --> 00:16:00,579
And I respect that,
but maybe we could work out
421
00:16:00,580 --> 00:16:02,394
Some sort of
super-secretive spy signal,
422
00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:03,916
Where if you scratch
your left ear,
423
00:16:03,917 --> 00:16:05,889
You know, maybe they
live on the left,
424
00:16:05,890 --> 00:16:07,051
And if you scratch your right ear,
they live on --
425
00:16:07,052 --> 00:16:08,154
They live right here.
426
00:16:09,325 --> 00:16:10,183
Oh.
427
00:16:12,498 --> 00:16:14,202
This conversation
never happened.
428
00:16:18,071 --> 00:16:18,571
Sorry.
429
00:16:18,572 --> 00:16:19,438
Oh! Thank god!
430
00:16:19,439 --> 00:16:21,316
Oh, thank yo thank you.
431
00:16:21,317 --> 00:16:23,124
Oh, dad just put me to sleep.
432
00:16:23,125 --> 00:16:25,044
Ohh, the hunting story? Hmm.
433
00:16:25,045 --> 00:16:26,324
Uh, n-no.
434
00:16:26,325 --> 00:16:28,991
Oh, my gosh. No. You - you
can't cut the line. Sorry.
435
00:16:28,992 --> 00:16:30,346
I was here.
436
00:16:30,347 --> 00:16:31,350
Unh-unh.
437
00:16:31,351 --> 00:16:33,002
I-I-I've been here for
an hour and a half.
438
00:16:33,003 --> 00:16:35,078
And -- and you haven't b een,
so you cut the line.
439
00:16:35,079 --> 00:16:35,943
Whatever.
440
00:16:35,944 --> 00:16:37,923
Whoa. E-excuse me, sir.
441
00:16:37,924 --> 00:16:39,334
Sir, I don't think
you understand.
442
00:16:39,335 --> 00:16:40,146
You're not getting
in front of us.
443
00:16:40,147 --> 00:16:41,341
Calm down, gingerbread.
444
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,353
Are you gonna move or not?
445
00:16:44,354 --> 00:16:45,532
No.
446
00:16:45,533 --> 00:16:47,190
Oh, no.
447
00:16:47,191 --> 00:16:49,168
Then you leave me no choice.
448
00:16:49,970 --> 00:16:51,085
Oh, my god
449
00:16:51,955 --> 00:16:52,746
Go to sleep.
450
00:16:52,747 --> 00:16:55,576
Go to sleep. Go to sleep.
451
00:16:55,577 --> 00:16:56,686
No. Yeah.
452
00:16:56,687 --> 00:16:57,584
Go to sleep. Mitchell.
453
00:16:57,585 --> 00:16:58,895
Mitchell, what are you doing?
Get off of him.
454
00:16:58,896 --> 00:17:00,371
Mitchell. Shut up.
He's about to go to sleep.
455
00:17:00,372 --> 00:17:02,401
No, I'm not. Okay, folks.
Let's break this up.
456
00:17:02,402 --> 00:17:03,707
You three -- out of line.
Oh, no.
457
00:17:03,708 --> 00:17:05,696
Oh, no, I'm sorry.Sir,
I didn'te anything to do with this.
458
00:17:05,697 --> 00:17:07,495
I'm just waiting in
line to get an ipad.
459
00:17:07,496 --> 00:17:08,866
I don't --
I don't ev know this guy.
460
00:17:08,867 --> 00:17:10,422
oh, I'm gonna need
your credit card.
461
00:17:10,423 --> 00:17:12,856
He's the problem. Shut up.
You're supposed to be asleep.
462
00:17:12,857 --> 00:17:14,004
It's okay. I have it. Get off.
463
00:17:14,005 --> 00:17:15,417
I've got it. What?
464
00:17:15,418 --> 00:17:16,729
I've got your card. Move, move.
465
00:17:16,730 --> 00:17:17,992
What? I'm good.
No, no, I'm good.
466
00:17:17,993 --> 00:17:19,205
I'm good.
I'm here -- move, move.
467
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,170
Wh-- are you s-- no, I'm here --
468
00:17:20,171 --> 00:17:22,028
I'm -- I've got to get
my husband an ipad!
469
00:17:22,029 --> 00:17:24,951
Key to a good birthday
low expectations.
470
00:17:24,952 --> 00:17:28,280
Thought I was getting an ipad.
I was wrong about that.
471
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:31,311
Thought I was getting a surprise
party at the batting cages.
472
00:17:31,312 --> 00:17:34,465
Sorry, big phil.
473
00:17:34,466 --> 00:17:36,113
Guess when it comes
right down to it,
474
00:17:36,114 --> 00:17:38,406
We're all just jeff sweeney
taking a fastball to the plums.
475
00:17:43,204 --> 00:17:45,776
Hey, um, dad, your cake
fell off the counter,
476
00:17:45,777 --> 00:17:47,515
But uncle cam's
trying to fix it.
477
00:17:47,516 --> 00:17:48,252
He won't.
478
00:17:49,908 --> 00:17:51,389
And the pizzas never showed up.
479
00:17:51,390 --> 00:17:54,318
And they won't.
480
00:17:55,572 --> 00:17:57,149
Fine. I guess we'll never know.
481
00:17:57,150 --> 00:17:58,885
Or we can find out
right now, huh?
482
00:17:58,886 --> 00:18:00,385
Yeah, manny,
give me the chess set.
483
00:18:00,386 --> 00:18:01,569
Oh, it's a chess set.
484
00:18:01,570 --> 00:18:02,816
Yeah. You'll get it later.
485
00:18:02,817 --> 00:18:04,482
We got something to settle
right now. Go in there.
486
00:18:04,483 --> 00:18:06,498
Happy birthday, phil. Go ahead.
487
00:18:06,499 --> 00:18:07,337
Happy, happy.
488
00:18:07,338 --> 00:18:09,230
Is that claire's
ked brie I smell?
489
00:18:10,392 --> 00:18:11,676
No.
490
00:18:12,878 --> 00:18:15,679
Oh, cam. Cam, you'll never
believe what hpened.
491
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,225
H-happy birthday, phil. Sure.
492
00:18:18,226 --> 00:18:19,397
You'll never believe
what happened.
493
00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:20,441
I got in trouble for fighting.
494
00:18:20,442 --> 00:18:22,491
and we saved a marriage.
495
00:18:22,492 --> 00:18:23,909
Oh, well, this is
the best day ever.
496
00:18:23,910 --> 00:18:24,850
It really is.
497
00:18:24,851 --> 00:18:25,796
Ain't it, though?
498
00:18:28,986 --> 00:18:31,543
Look at this, papi! Huh?
499
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:32,128
Son of a --
500
00:18:32,129 --> 00:18:34,614
easy.
501
00:18:34,615 --> 00:18:36,602
You can't sing "
we are the champions"...
502
00:18:36,603 --> 00:18:38,566
Without your queen.
503
00:18:39,253 --> 00:18:40,492
Damn it!
504
00:18:40,493 --> 00:18:42,859
Listen, I lose,
and I burn this house down!
505
00:18:44,819 --> 00:18:46,416
Ah, but look at this --
506
00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:48,416
Honey, honey. What are we doing?
507
00:18:48,417 --> 00:18:49,254
This is ridiculous.
508
00:18:50,110 --> 00:18:51,652
One of us is gonna win the game,
509
00:18:51,653 --> 00:18:53,816
The other's gonna feel lousy,
and we both lose.
510
00:18:57,684 --> 00:19:00,047
Yeah, just leave my birthday
present on the floor.
511
00:19:00,048 --> 00:19:01,065
That's my girl.
512
00:19:01,066 --> 00:19:03,476
She had me. There was
no way I could win.
513
00:19:03,477 --> 00:19:06,656
I knew it. I'm just glad
she didn't know it yet.
514
00:19:06,657 --> 00:19:08,867
Two moves, and then "kcch."
515
00:19:08,868 --> 00:19:10,876
I'm a very good chess player.
516
00:19:10,877 --> 00:19:12,291
But I'm a better wife.
517
00:19:15,288 --> 00:19:16,463
Hey, did you get it?
518
00:19:16,464 --> 00:19:18,348
No. How's your dad?
519
00:19:18,349 --> 00:19:20,559
Acting weird...Er.
520
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:21,925
Hey, wife.
521
00:19:21,926 --> 00:19:24,303
Honey. Hi. Um, listen.
522
00:19:24,304 --> 00:19:25,122
Mom?
523
00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:26,632
Yeah, luke, hang on one second.
524
00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:29,057
Honey, it's okay.
I don't feel things anymore.
525
00:19:29,058 --> 00:19:31,161
But, sweetie,
I want you to feel --
526
00:19:31,162 --> 00:19:33,241
Mom. Luke, I'll be with
you in just a second.
527
00:19:33,242 --> 00:19:34,025
Where are you going?
528
00:19:34,026 --> 00:19:36,050
Just heading out to the yard
to get a shovel for my cake.
529
00:19:36,051 --> 00:19:38,477
Mom. Luke, what do you want?
530
00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:40,135
I went on dad's computer,
531
00:19:40,136 --> 00:19:42,270
Contacted some of
his geek friends,
532
00:19:42,271 --> 00:19:44,448
Told them that he was dying
533
00:19:44,449 --> 00:19:46,744
And his last wish was an ipad.
534
00:19:46,745 --> 00:19:48,555
Luke, what have I told
you about the ly--
535
00:19:48,556 --> 00:19:50,988
One of them felt so bad,
they brought over an extra.
536
00:19:50,989 --> 00:19:53,136
Oh, my god.
537
00:19:53,137 --> 00:19:56,253
You got it, you beautiful
little liar. Oh.
538
00:19:56,254 --> 00:19:57,725
here comes dad.
539
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:02,894
Who's got you?
Such a pretty face.
540
00:20:02,895 --> 00:20:04,451
Who's got you?
541
00:20:05,233 --> 00:20:07,639
Who wants some cake?
542
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,186
I used to, but I don't
desire food any--
543
00:20:10,187 --> 00:20:12,190
Oh, my god! You got it!
544
00:20:12,191 --> 00:20:13,976
All this time,
I said I didn't care,
545
00:20:13,977 --> 00:20:15,361
But I do care -- I care so much!
546
00:20:15,362 --> 00:20:17,120
Do you want to blow
out the candles? Yes!
547
00:20:17,121 --> 00:20:20,110
Go on. Go.
548
00:20:20,111 --> 00:20:22,285
It did not just do that!
549
00:20:22,286 --> 00:20:23,718
Yes, it did! Honey!
550
00:20:25,453 --> 00:20:26,463
Oh!
551
00:20:26,464 --> 00:20:28,825
Who's ready for the first day
of the rest of their lives?
552
00:20:28,826 --> 00:20:30,909
Phil, happy birthday.
Look at this.
553
00:20:30,910 --> 00:20:31,401
Happy birthday.
554
00:20:31,402 --> 00:20:34,478
Can I touch it? Yeah.
Not so hard, but touch it.
555
00:20:34,479 --> 00:20:36,568
It says "happy birthday.
" touch it, but don't touch it.
556
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:37,506
Touch it, but don't
touch it. Okay.
557
00:20:38,559 --> 00:20:42,383
Debbi love you.Sorry I ev
er doubted you.
558
00:20:42,384 --> 00:20:44,111
Thank god that guy came over.
559
00:20:44,112 --> 00:20:45,330
What did he say his name was?
560
00:20:45,331 --> 00:20:47,378
He didn't. Must be an angel.
561
00:20:47,379 --> 00:20:49,213
Did you hear that? I'm an angel.
562
00:20:49,214 --> 00:20:50,752
Or some creepy perv.
563
00:20:50,753 --> 00:20:51,738
Yeah.
564
00:20:51,739 --> 00:20:53,523
Wow. How did he know?
565
00:20:53,524 --> 00:20:54,667
Ew.
566
00:20:54,668 --> 00:20:57,473
Maybe I should call the police.
567
00:20:57,474 --> 00:20:58,584
You should call the police.
Mm. Okay. Well.
568
00:20:58,585 --> 00:20:59,567
I'm gonna call the police.
569
00:20:59,568 --> 00:21:01,963
And they lived
happily ever after.
570
00:21:01,964 --> 00:21:02,957
No. No, cam. No.
571
00:21:02,958 --> 00:21:04,052
Where are you going?
It was just getting good.
572
00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:06,722
I want -- that's my program.
573
00:21:08,176 --> 00:21:09,569
I love you.
574
00:21:09,570 --> 00:21:10,757
I love you, too, honey.
575
00:21:10,758 --> 00:21:13,103
Oh -- okay.
41010
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