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1
00:00:47,959 --> 00:00:49,351
Oh yeah!
2
00:00:50,925 --> 00:00:54,061
Hey Grandad. You wanna see this book
Mickey Pearce lent me!
3
00:00:54,495 --> 00:00:59,258
It teaches you how to say filthy things to women
from great distances without actually speaking!
4
00:00:59,636 --> 00:01:01,773
They can't set their brothers
on you or nothing!
5
00:01:02,925 --> 00:01:06,676
D'you like your baked potatoes
really well done Rodney?
6
00:01:07,474 --> 00:01:10,660
- Have I got a choice?
- Well, not really!
7
00:01:11,511 --> 00:01:16,760
Yeah I like 'em really well done Grandad!
I like 'em all burnt up so they look like rock-hard prunes.
8
00:01:17,584 --> 00:01:20,234
Oh good! Well dinner won't be long then.
9
00:01:24,172 --> 00:01:25,920
Body language?
10
00:01:26,168 --> 00:01:29,244
Yeah, it's no good for you Grandad,
you'd need an interpreter!
11
00:01:31,546 --> 00:01:36,111
- Alright Grandad, dinner ruined yet?
- Coming along nicely Del Boy.
12
00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:39,516
Good good!...'ang on 'ere y' are.
13
00:01:39,773 --> 00:01:42,302
There's a score for yer, little
Christmas pressie.
14
00:01:42,521 --> 00:01:48,119
Oh cheers Del, very nice of you.
I didn't get you nothing,
15
00:01:48,464 --> 00:01:52,376
I don't agree with the commercialisation
of a Christian Festival.
16
00:01:54,640 --> 00:02:01,218
I don't believe that! He actually took me money then
gave me a rollocking! It's like being mugged by a magistrate!
17
00:02:02,382 --> 00:02:04,582
Oh, and Merry Christmas.
18
00:02:04,795 --> 00:02:08,509
Yeah - and a partridge up yer pear tree
an' all you saucy old git!
19
00:02:08,912 --> 00:02:15,034
What happened to you today then? I thought I'd see you
down the Nag's for a preluncheon aperitif
20
00:02:15,816 --> 00:02:20,912
and some light conversation with your
little head bangers!
21
00:02:22,372 --> 00:02:26,305
No my stomach is a bit
dicey. Sort of burning pains!
22
00:02:26,944 --> 00:02:29,397
That'll teach you to play Russian roulette with a
mutton vindaloo won't it?
23
00:02:31,201 --> 00:02:36,619
This is psychosomatic mate. This is me brain
sending messages to me belly warning it
24
00:02:36,775 --> 00:02:42,848
that Grandad's rotten Christmas dinner'll be on it's
way down soon! Have a butchers in that kitchen Del!
25
00:02:43,148 --> 00:02:49,539
It's all smoke 'n' smells, it's horrible! He's got baked
potatoes that look more like lumps of anthracite!
26
00:02:50,625 --> 00:02:56,096
There's green stuff out there - I don't know what it is Del,
I was gonna ask then I thought I'd wait till you got in!
27
00:02:56,446 --> 00:02:58,122
Why do you let him do it Del?
28
00:02:58,300 --> 00:03:01,908
Well it's a tradition innit? He's been cooking Christmas
dinner ever since Mum went!
29
00:03:02,325 --> 00:03:04,676
Yeah and he's been cooking it
up ever since Mum went!
30
00:03:05,195 --> 00:03:08,492
What do you want,
a sacre-bleu chef or something?
31
00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:13,763
I mean I don't fancy it any more than you do Rodders,
but what can we do?
32
00:03:14,438 --> 00:03:18,212
Let's pretend we've both become vegetarians, then we
won't have to eat his turkey!
33
00:03:18,464 --> 00:03:23,146
Don't be a dipstick all your life Rodney!
If we pretend we're vegetarians
34
00:03:23,353 --> 00:03:26,193
we'll end up with a plate of anthracite and
green stuff!
35
00:03:26,972 --> 00:03:30,375
Well I'm gonna say I'm on hunger strike - some kind of
humanitarian grounds!
36
00:03:30,729 --> 00:03:35,792
Leave it out will yer. I remember
the lasy time you went on hunger strike
37
00:03:35,993 --> 00:03:40,591
over a protest about the American cruise missiles
being based in Britain.
38
00:03:40,931 --> 00:03:43,607
You said that you were gonna starve yourself
until the missiles were moved.
39
00:03:43,969 --> 00:03:44,468
So?
40
00:03:44,773 --> 00:03:50,672
So that was eight months ago! The missiles are
still here but what's more to the point so are you!
41
00:03:52,353 --> 00:03:55,058
You went one and 'arf days on hunger
strike then sent out for a curry!
42
00:03:55,264 --> 00:03:56,280
Well I was starving!
43
00:03:56,444 --> 00:04:08,066
That's the idea of it, you plonker! Grandad'll never wear
that! Anyway, cooking the Christmas dinner
44
00:04:08,250 --> 00:04:14,529
has become Grandad's purpose in life. All year long
he sits in that chair watching the tellies
45
00:04:14,703 --> 00:04:17,956
like an unoiled redundant cog.
46
00:04:18,907 --> 00:04:21,990
But come Christmas time he knows
that he can whir into action.
47
00:04:22,451 --> 00:04:27,757
It's his role within the family circle. It makes him feel
that he still has an important part to play,
48
00:04:28,417 --> 00:04:33,850
y'know that he's still needed! You don't want to take
that away from him do you?
49
00:04:34,010 --> 00:04:35,060
All for the sake of a
little bit of...
50
00:04:35,225 --> 00:04:38,488
Botulism!! No, alright Del!
51
00:04:38,863 --> 00:04:43,571
Why don't you do what I do? Just put the dinner
in your mouth and think of England!
52
00:04:45,684 --> 00:04:50,588
Anyway, for all we know this year it may
turn out to be a gourmets' dream!
53
00:04:51,075 --> 00:04:54,101
I'll just strain the gravy then
I'll give it up!
54
00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:12,559
We'll have get a plug put on this thing Rodney!
55
00:05:21,572 --> 00:05:23,377
Alright, alright I'll have some wine please Rodney.
56
00:05:23,587 --> 00:05:29,244
- D'you want some gravy Del?
- No thanks Grandad, I'll have a drop of wine.
57
00:05:43,919 --> 00:05:50,785
Oh bain marie, bain marie! I will say this for those old
Frogs, they make a blinding drop of wine!
58
00:05:52,588 --> 00:05:57,379
That shiyster down at the off-licence only
tried to palm me off with table wine!...
59
00:05:58,411 --> 00:06:00,607
Must have
thought I was a Philistine or something.
60
00:06:02,281 --> 00:06:08,673
Anyway, I pulled him up a bit sharpish. I said 'Oi John.
I don't want none of yer table wine.
61
00:06:09,386 --> 00:06:13,427
I said get down that cellar and you get me out a
bottle of Vin Ordinaire!'...
62
00:06:26,764 --> 00:06:32,127
Hmmm, not bad Grandad,
slightly underdone maybe.
63
00:06:32,975 --> 00:06:36,513
Slightly underdone? The reckon the kiss
of life would revive that turkey!
64
00:06:37,683 --> 00:06:41,380
- That's enough Rodney!
- How's yer guts now Rodney?
65
00:06:43,092 --> 00:06:45,374
Not too bad now Grandad, thank you very much!
66
00:06:47,183 --> 00:06:50,305
- Hope he ain't got worms!
- He's doing this on purpose!
67
00:06:50,596 --> 00:06:56,131
Now come on you two. This is the dinner table
I mean worms and all that!
68
00:06:56,746 --> 00:06:59,652
Rodney's got a burning sensation in his
stomach ain't you Rodney?
69
00:07:01,578 --> 00:07:03,007
Maybe they're glow worms!
70
00:07:06,062 --> 00:07:08,748
Oi oi oi! What's your game?
71
00:07:08,951 --> 00:07:10,458
Well do you think we could
change the subject?
72
00:07:10,635 --> 00:07:13,900
Alright alright. There's no need to get overwrought!
73
00:07:19,438 --> 00:07:22,925
This turkey's lovely Grandad, innit Rodney?
74
00:07:23,542 --> 00:07:24,386
Triffic!
75
00:07:27,190 --> 00:07:28,815
Who's Brenda and Terry?
76
00:07:30,869 --> 00:07:32,725
Who's Brenda and Terry?
77
00:07:32,933 --> 00:07:33,474
Who's Brenda and Terry?
78
00:07:34,277 --> 00:07:35,613
Who's Brenda and Terry Rodney?
79
00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:37,005
I don't know!
80
00:07:37,193 --> 00:07:38,893
What are you on about you old div?
81
00:07:39,934 --> 00:07:46,899
We got a Christmas card from 'em. It said love from Brenda
and Terry and the kids Shirley, Shane and Shaun.
82
00:07:47,121 --> 00:07:51,150
- Yeah, yeah that was from Brenda and Terry!
- I know! But who is Brenda and Terry?
83
00:07:51,934 --> 00:07:53,966
It's Shirley, Shane and
Shaun's mum and dad innit?
84
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,957
Oh! Did we send them one back?
85
00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:01,703
How could we send them one back? Who don't even know who
they are let alone where they live!
86
00:08:02,452 --> 00:08:05,766
Just as well with them rotten
Christmas cards you bought.
87
00:08:05,951 --> 00:08:10,470
There was nothing wrong with them cards! You didn't like
them 'cause they came from a charity organization!
88
00:08:10,683 --> 00:08:15,068
Now that is not fair Rodney.
Nobody like a good cause better than me do they Grandad?
89
00:08:15,445 --> 00:08:20,498
It's just that when you're choosing Christmas cards
you've got to be very careful about which charity you choose.
90
00:08:20,986 --> 00:08:23,819
What do you mean got to be careful about
which charity you choose?
91
00:08:24,344 --> 00:08:31,291
Well some of them cards might offend our neighbours and friends.
It says Merry Christmas from Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad,
92
00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:34,828
and all the gang at the Deptford drug-addiction
centre!
93
00:08:36,032 --> 00:08:39,092
And with all the cuts we've had in social services you
don't think that's a good cause?
94
00:08:39,329 --> 00:08:43,120
I'm not saying it's not a good cause Rodney! All I'm saying
is that at Christmas time people prefer
95
00:08:43,342 --> 00:08:49,297
a traditional Christmas card, you know with a nice
wintery scene - a snowman, a little robin redbreast -
96
00:08:49,631 --> 00:08:53,387
not a sprig of holly and a bunch of mistletoe
wrapped round a rusty syringe!
97
00:08:54,494 --> 00:08:56,285
You do me right up sometimes
Del!
98
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,157
I don't know why they want these
drug-addiction centres.
99
00:08:59,996 --> 00:09:04,050
I mean ain't we got enough drug addicts
without them recruiting them?
100
00:09:07,972 --> 00:09:15,356
No Grandad! They're not training centres! Oh God, I
give up! Can we change the subject again?
101
00:09:15,643 --> 00:09:18,592
Stroll on Rodney, we're going through subjects
quicker than Mastermind!
102
00:09:23,088 --> 00:09:25,095
You didn't throw the giblets
away did you?
103
00:09:26,869 --> 00:09:31,536
I only asked because I promised them
to the old girl down stairs for her cat!
104
00:09:31,787 --> 00:09:36,963
There weren't any giblets in it Del. It was ready-cleaned,
said so on the box.
105
00:09:37,201 --> 00:09:42,322
Yeah I know it was ready- cleaned Grandad, but they put
the giblets in a plastic bag then put it back in the turkey.
106
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:45,401
- Do they?
- Yeah.
107
00:09:49,903 --> 00:09:54,451
- You took the bag out didn't you?
- I didn't know it was in there Del!
108
00:09:54,675 --> 00:09:55,936
Oh my Gawd!
109
00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,866
You mean he's cooked it with
everything still in it?
110
00:09:59,190 --> 00:10:04,473
Oh my good God, it's like
peering into the jaws of hell!
111
00:10:05,644 --> 00:10:09,560
Didn't you at any time notice it? Like for instance when you
were putting in the stuffing in?
112
00:10:09,814 --> 00:10:11,207
There's stuffing in there as
well??
113
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:12,867
Oh it's everything in here Rodney.
114
00:10:13,784 --> 00:10:20,743
Sage and onion, molten plastic and...things!
It's like an Irish night in a delicatessen!
115
00:10:22,075 --> 00:10:24,841
I just didn�t' know it was in
there Del Boy!
116
00:10:28,486 --> 00:10:35,557
Alright Grandad, don't get overwrought, it's over and
done with innit eh? Don't upset yourself,
117
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:40,171
As the French say, it's a fait acomplan
118
00:10:50,506 --> 00:10:52,227
What about the old
afters eh?
119
00:10:52,499 --> 00:10:53,519
I'll go'n get it.
120
00:11:08,018 --> 00:11:11,627
Don't worry!
Cause custard is his forte!
121
00:11:18,085 --> 00:11:21,839
D'you like your Christmas pudding really well done?
122
00:12:19,974 --> 00:12:21,403
Sorry!
123
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:32,233
- I don't like circuses!
- What?
124
00:12:33,029 --> 00:12:35,186
- I don't like circuses!
- Oh!
125
00:12:36,826 --> 00:12:39,086
- I never have liked 'em!
- Triffic!
126
00:12:41,205 --> 00:12:43,172
Never will like 'em - Circuses.
127
00:12:43,353 --> 00:12:45,738
Alright you've made your point
Rodney! Why don't you switch over?
128
00:12:53,973 --> 00:12:55,893
There's one on the other side!
129
00:12:56,123 --> 00:13:01,814
Is there? It's a pity you don�t like 'em or you could be
having a whale of a time couldn't yer?
130
00:13:02,489 --> 00:13:04,502
Now put a sock in it for 'arf hour or so will you?
131
00:13:14,088 --> 00:13:16,032
It's good living in a tower
block annit Del?
132
00:13:16,206 --> 00:13:18,550
Yeah, mustard. The Queen don't
know what she's missing.
133
00:13:19,995 --> 00:13:24,481
Look at that view eh? On a
clear day you can see...the ground.
134
00:13:27,861 --> 00:13:33,826
Boring Boring Boring Boring
135
00:13:43,399 --> 00:13:45,677
I'll whack you one in a minute Rodney!!!
136
00:13:48,366 --> 00:13:50,131
Well nothing's open out there
and I'm bored!
137
00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:57,594
Hang about and I'll get on the phone and knock
you up a Mardi Gras. Everyone's bored!
138
00:13:59,125 --> 00:14:01,853
Christmas is a religious festival,
it's meant to be boring!
139
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:07,228
I thought we we're supposed to be celebrating the birth of
our Lord! A time of great joy!
140
00:14:07,692 --> 00:14:12,199
It's a time of great joy and that's why everything's
closed! Everyone's at home enjoying themselves!
141
00:14:13,742 --> 00:14:16,259
- Enjoying themselves?
- Where's me nuts.
142
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:25,640
Just take a look at it out there, Del. It's like a
neutron bomb's hit it
143
00:14:26,097 --> 00:14:34,139
the buildings are still standing but there's no sign of life!
No, the British nation have forgotten how to enjoy itself!
144
00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:40,214
We're all charging toward the cliff edge of terminal
boredom like a herd of...
145
00:14:41,868 --> 00:14:43,610
What's them things that commit
suicide all the time?
146
00:14:43,992 --> 00:14:45,759
Japanese!
147
00:14:46,931 --> 00:14:52,689
No, lemmings! Yeah like a herd of lemmings!
Let's go out somewhere Del.
148
00:14:53,012 --> 00:14:55,024
There's bound
to be a pub or a club open somewhere!
149
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:56,638
It's Christmas night Rodney!
150
00:14:58,536 --> 00:15:02,328
The Monte Carlo club over New Cross is open!
There again it's a bit rough!
151
00:15:02,504 --> 00:15:08,052
Oh yes all them big men, drinking beer and burping!
You great big tart you!
152
00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:13,327
Alright let's go to the Monte Carlo. A few birds get down
there, we might be able to pull a couple!
153
00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:16,815
- I don't want to go out Rodney!
- You're boring as well!
154
00:15:17,013 --> 00:15:19,103
You're hardly a go on the big
dipper yourself Rodney!
155
00:15:19,305 --> 00:15:20,751
Well why don't you want to go
out??
156
00:15:21,055 --> 00:15:25,521
I'll tell you why shall I? It may have slipped your notice
but there are three people living in this flat.
157
00:15:25,777 --> 00:15:31,404
You, me and that scruffy little old man who does funny
things to turkeys. Namely our Grandfather!
158
00:15:32,013 --> 00:15:36,121
Now you're not seriously suggesting that we just push
off out of it and leave him here on his own?
159
00:15:36,366 --> 00:15:37,753
But we often leave him on his
own!
160
00:15:37,959 --> 00:15:41,052
Not on Christmas night Rodney,
not on Christmas night!
161
00:15:41,625 --> 00:15:44,908
But we sit with him every
Christmas. He wouldn't mind just this once!
162
00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:50,025
He'd pretend he didn't mind! But you don't know what'll be
going through his little mind as he sat here
163
00:15:50,188 --> 00:15:51,589
in this empty flat all on his own.
164
00:15:52,170 --> 00:15:58,097
Thinking about the good old days
when Mum and Dad were here - when Christmas was a great,
165
00:15:58,268 --> 00:16:04,014
big family affair, and we're still a family Rodney
so we'll stay here with Grandad and watch,
166
00:16:04,908 --> 00:16:07,821
- Y' know The Sound of Music.
- I don't like The Sound of Music!
167
00:16:08,502 --> 00:16:10,252
- Well we'll switch over!
- What's on?
168
00:16:10,454 --> 00:16:13,676
- A circus.
- I want to go out Del!
169
00:16:14,138 --> 00:16:19,225
Listen Rodney, there are a lot of old people all over the
country tonight sitting on their own.
170
00:16:19,581 --> 00:16:25,671
Half of 'em don't get a Christmas card let alone a
bit of company. So you're going to stay in with me and Grandad.
171
00:16:26,544 --> 00:16:28,824
If I want to go out I'll go
out!
172
00:16:29,507 --> 00:16:30,939
- No you won't!
- Yes I will!
173
00:16:31,117 --> 00:16:33,016
- You won't Rodney!
- I will Del!
174
00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:34,639
- You won't!
- I will!
175
00:16:34,863 --> 00:16:36,308
- You won't!
- I will!
176
00:16:36,514 --> 00:16:40,921
- I'm off out now, see you later.
- Yeah see you later Grandad.
177
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,296
Where'd you think you're going?
178
00:16:48,593 --> 00:16:53,457
I'm going to the Old Folks Christmas Do over at the
Community Centre. I thought anything'd be better
179
00:16:53,639 --> 00:17:01,634
than sitting in here all night listening to you two arguing.
Tell us what happens in The Sound of Music. See yer.
180
00:17:02,724 --> 00:17:04,257
Yeah...See yer, Grandad.
181
00:17:07,105 --> 00:17:09,075
That's terrific that is, innit?
182
00:17:09,308 --> 00:17:13,280
Charming. He goes out gallivanting
and we have to stay in and watch Julie Andrews.
183
00:17:14,122 --> 00:17:19,963
Oh no, bruver - definitely not. Let's put our glad rags on
and hit the Monte Carlo Club.
184
00:17:23,006 --> 00:17:30,299
I'll have a bath first 'cause there's hardly any hot water left.
Fix yerself a drink, make yerself comfortable - and watch the circus.
185
00:18:03,330 --> 00:18:09,931
Oi John. Giss a Remi Martin with cream soda and lots of
ice, and 'arf of lager.
186
00:18:11,898 --> 00:18:14,656
- You alright, Earl?
- Hullo Del Boy. Nice Christmas?
187
00:18:14,855 --> 00:18:19,064
- Blinder. Where's the enemy?
- She took the kids over her mum's.
188
00:18:20,742 --> 00:18:22,110
How's the old man?
189
00:18:22,308 --> 00:18:30,324
Up and down like Tower Bridge. Still in hospital - unconscious
most of the time - when he wakes up he don't know where he is.
190
00:18:33,210 --> 00:18:37,568
Well next time he comes round again you wish him a Merry
Christmas from me and Rodney.
191
00:18:38,143 --> 00:18:39,165
I will, Del.
192
00:18:40,436 --> 00:18:44,631
- What's wrong with him?
- I can't pronounce it.
193
00:18:52,044 --> 00:18:57,340
Oh, now listen Earl, now listen my son, this is what
you want to do. Next time you're up the hospital,
194
00:18:57,516 --> 00:19:01,577
you get hold of one of them surgeons you know they're the
guys with the little white jackets and you say to him
195
00:19:01,757 --> 00:19:03,545
that your old Dad wants some antibiotics,
196
00:19:05,309 --> 00:19:12,411
An - ee - by- o-ics. I'll write it down for yer.
197
00:19:13,329 --> 00:19:15,043
Give me that Replay that I gave you
for your Christmas present.
198
00:19:18,580 --> 00:19:22,064
You're being a bit pushy, ain't you? I mean don't you
think the hospital's already thought of that?
199
00:19:22,965 --> 00:19:30,606
That bunch of wallies?? These are magic things Earl. They
work a treat. Gawd knows where they get 'em from.
200
00:19:30,914 --> 00:19:33,576
D'you remember when Grandad was in
hospital about eighteen month back?
201
00:19:33,913 --> 00:19:38,650
They gave him so many antibiotics that one day he
sneezed and two other blokes got better.
202
00:19:41,953 --> 00:19:45,821
Well there it is. Don't take this to a chemist's
it ain't a prescription.
203
00:19:46,205 --> 00:19:49,491
No I won't, Del Boy. Well
thanks a lot, that's really nice of you.
204
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:53,999
That's alright my son. You have a good Christmas, you
hear? Come on Rodney.
205
00:19:56,597 --> 00:20:02,830
You're something else you are. You've stuck your nose in
where it weren't wanted a good few times but this takes the biscuit.
206
00:20:03,095 --> 00:20:04,829
Suddenly you're a
miracle worker.
207
00:20:05,762 --> 00:20:12,685
Listen Rodney. Life's been pretty gutty for Earl quite
recently. First, he got made redundant,
208
00:20:12,851 --> 00:20:15,086
it's been like that between him and his missus...
209
00:20:15,391 --> 00:20:20,489
...then to top it all his old man collapses in the Nag's
Head right across the table where me and Trig were sitting.
210
00:20:20,658 --> 00:20:25,646
- It was terrible, glasses went flying, everything.
- Yeah? What, serious?
211
00:20:26,403 --> 00:20:34,413
No, I only had about that much left. No, I mean can't afford
a private hospital. He wanted to take his dad to Lourdes,
212
00:20:34,578 --> 00:20:38,305
but couldn't afford the fare. The way his luck's going he
couldn't afford the fare to Leeds let alone Lourdes.
213
00:20:41,064 --> 00:20:46,696
So I have just given him a bit of false hope - a light at the
end of the tunnel, a straw to grab at,
214
00:20:48,138 --> 00:20:49,879
a bit of promise for the New Year.
215
00:20:55,491 --> 00:20:59,810
But what if he tells the hospital to administer
these drugs? It might finish the old man off.
216
00:21:00,450 --> 00:21:04,679
Leave it out Rodney. What do you think they are up the
hospital, a bunch of wallies?
217
00:21:05,613 --> 00:21:06,591
But you just said...
218
00:21:09,243 --> 00:21:15,917
You're flash you are aintcha? You think you know the lot.
Everything about you is - lairy.
219
00:21:18,173 --> 00:21:19,558
What do you mean - lairy?
220
00:21:19,827 --> 00:21:24,276
Well just look at the way you're dressed to begin with.
You make Christmas trees look sombre.
221
00:21:25,679 --> 00:21:29,328
And God knows how you've got the courage to walk
down dark alleys wearing all that gold.
222
00:21:29,987 --> 00:21:33,136
When they see you coming you must look
like a mugger's pension scheme.
223
00:21:34,207 --> 00:21:39,777
Listen how d'you think a peacock attracts a lady
peacock? With his plummage.
224
00:21:40,805 --> 00:21:48,502
This is my plummage...When I approach a bird she
don't see me, the good-looking young man about town,
225
00:21:48,690 --> 00:21:54,593
own teeth and all that sort of game. She sees in her
subconscious a white yacht floating
226
00:21:54,854 --> 00:21:57,106
on the blue waters of a
Caribbean bay.
227
00:21:57,348 --> 00:21:58,767
- Is that right?
- Yeah.
228
00:21:59,229 --> 00:22:02,801
With you they se a winkle barge sinking off the end of
Southend pier.
229
00:22:03,427 --> 00:22:09,494
No, because I don't need all the bullion and perfume and
the white shoes. I'm natural - I'm me, Del, I'm me.
230
00:22:09,794 --> 00:22:12,305
Yes, I know you're you, that's
why you always end up with a dog.
231
00:22:12,552 --> 00:22:14,124
I don't go out with dogs!
232
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:20,477
Leave it off Rodney, you've had more dogs than Crufts.
The other week Grandad took your suit to the cleaners
233
00:22:20,633 --> 00:22:26,850
and found a muzzle in the pocket. No Rodney, I know the secret,
that's why I always blag the good 'uns
234
00:22:27,185 --> 00:22:34,293
the air hostesses and part-time models...Oh yes bruv
I got the secret - it never fails me
235
00:22:39,823 --> 00:22:42,264
Got a bone handy Rodders?
I think you've cracked it again.
236
00:23:07,142 --> 00:23:09,261
I wouldn't mind a sit down,
the pins are aching.
237
00:23:09,561 --> 00:23:15,703
Amazing innit? I mean look at us - the Peckham Playboys and
I bet the only one who's pulled tonight is Grandad.
238
00:23:15,990 --> 00:23:19,270
I thought you'd be used to it. The only thing you ever pull
at Christmas is yer cracker.
239
00:23:21,239 --> 00:23:23,513
There's a table free over there, Rodders look lively.
240
00:23:29,794 --> 00:23:31,991
- Hey Del, look.
- What?
241
00:23:33,607 --> 00:23:35,187
Ah no, they've only pinched
our table.
242
00:23:35,420 --> 00:23:37,308
Never mind about the table,
Del. Look at them two.
243
00:23:37,535 --> 00:23:41,279
- But I want to sit down.
- We'll sit at their table. Come on.
244
00:23:48,271 --> 00:23:50,259
- Well go on then Del!
- Go on then what?
245
00:23:50,536 --> 00:23:51,929
Do the bizzo. Chat 'em up.
246
00:23:52,270 --> 00:23:56,585
How come it's always me who's gotta do the donkey work, eh?
You're like a spy you are, Rodders.
247
00:23:56,925 --> 00:24:02,193
You find where the enemy is hiding but I'm the one who's
gotta charge across no man's land and do the capturing!
248
00:24:02,750 --> 00:24:05,881
Well I think it's about
time you took a bit of shot and shell. Go on.
249
00:24:07,033 --> 00:24:09,294
- You mean chat 'em up?
- Yeah. Go on.
250
00:24:11,313 --> 00:24:14,469
- Alright then, I'll do it.
- Go on then.
251
00:24:15,732 --> 00:24:16,805
I will.
252
00:24:25,370 --> 00:24:26,348
What you doing?
253
00:24:26,551 --> 00:24:27,520
What you doing?
254
00:24:27,808 --> 00:24:29,286
Psyching meself up.
255
00:24:31,030 --> 00:24:33,637
It's alright, he'll be with you in a minute girls, he's
just psyching himself up.
256
00:24:34,027 --> 00:24:34,970
Shut up, will
you?!
257
00:24:35,184 --> 00:24:39,679
Come on, behave yourself. This is kamikaze
time, get over there!
258
00:24:39,998 --> 00:24:41,487
- I will!
- Well go on then!
259
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:43,515
In my own time, Del!
260
00:24:54,281 --> 00:24:55,409
Well go on then.
261
00:24:55,673 --> 00:24:57,216
Just shut up, will you?
262
00:25:09,045 --> 00:25:12,449
Oi soppy. Come here.
263
00:25:17,921 --> 00:25:21,356
I'd like to kill you sometimes.
Sometimes I'd really like to hurt you bad.
264
00:25:21,783 --> 00:25:24,257
What was that silly walk for?
Your guts playing you up again?
265
00:25:24,842 --> 00:25:27,932
It wasn't a silly walk. It was
body language. I've got this book on it.
266
00:25:28,209 --> 00:25:30,099
Body language? I thought you
were limping.
267
00:25:30,332 --> 00:25:31,808
I was 'talking' to them!
268
00:25:32,185 --> 00:25:34,774
Talking? You were lisping.
What was you supposed to be saying?
269
00:25:35,292 --> 00:25:45,323
The walk was saying pelvis, virility. It was saying here
comes a man who's got natural masculinity and maturity!
270
00:25:46,244 --> 00:25:49,578
Well from back here it was saying here comes a man who's
got his truss on back to front.
271
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:58,042
Don't do it. Go over
again and this time, walk normal.
272
00:25:58,769 --> 00:26:01,535
I'm not going back there now,
Del. I've made myself look a right lemon.
273
00:26:01,725 --> 00:26:02,555
No you haven't.
274
00:26:02,715 --> 00:26:05,322
What after aborting me attempt
half-way? You go.
275
00:26:05,574 --> 00:26:12,862
Me? After you've made a right lemon of yourself? No way
bruv! I'll tell you what we'll do, we'll act cool.
276
00:26:13,834 --> 00:26:19,388
We'll stroll casually over the bar and get ourselves a
drink. Then when they're not looking.
277
00:26:19,589 --> 00:26:20,348
Sneak out.
278
00:26:22,023 --> 00:26:29,082
No. When they're not looking we'll ambush 'em.
You wally. Come on.
279
00:26:47,503 --> 00:26:55,390
Right I've got it. No, shut up, shut up.
This is what we're gonna do. You leave the club.
280
00:26:56,203 --> 00:26:57,130
Leave?
281
00:26:57,646 --> 00:27:01,927
Yeah, then give it a couple of minutes
and come back to the doorman and say
282
00:27:02,127 --> 00:27:06,792
that there's a brand-new Rolls Royce
Corniche obstructing your three-wheeled van.
283
00:27:07,869 --> 00:27:08,416
Why?
284
00:27:09,206 --> 00:27:14,395
Because he'll announce over the mike 'Would the owner of
the brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche kindly move it
285
00:27:14,695 --> 00:27:24,870
as it's obstructing some sap's three-wheeled van! Then
I will casually getup, jangling me keys, and join you outside.
286
00:27:26,764 --> 00:27:27,843
Why?
287
00:27:28,207 --> 00:27:32,942
Well because them two birds will think that I drive a
brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche.
288
00:27:33,572 --> 00:27:39,110
Oh yeah, Yeah, but they'll also
think that I drive a three-wheeled van.
289
00:27:40,553 --> 00:27:41,482
But you do.
290
00:27:41,661 --> 00:27:44,196
I know I do, but I don't want
them knowing that, do I!
291
00:27:44,393 --> 00:27:47,070
But they won't know that will
they 'cause you'll be outside.
292
00:27:48,178 --> 00:27:49,519
- Yeah with you.
- Right.
293
00:27:51,102 --> 00:27:57,264
So that means the girls will be in here in the warm
and us two shrewdies'll be outside on the pavement somewhere
294
00:27:57,465 --> 00:28:01,082
congratulating each other!
And then we'll have to pay to get back in again.
295
00:28:07,622 --> 00:28:15,124
Yeah yeah alright clever Dick! Look, let's just play it by
ear, shall we. We'll go over there and engage 'em in conversation.
296
00:28:20,644 --> 00:28:21,887
Oh no, hold it minute Del.
297
00:28:22,521 --> 00:28:26,939
What sort of conversation you going to engage them in? I
mean you always tell lies, don't you?
298
00:28:27,306 --> 00:28:31,460
You tell 'em we've got flash cars and we're film
producers and we got a private jet!
299
00:28:32,275 --> 00:28:34,212
Everyone exaggerates now then
Rodney.
300
00:28:34,430 --> 00:28:40,769
But I don't know what to say. I get embarrassed! Let's just
tell 'em the truth. Tell 'em about our likes and what we do.
301
00:28:43,289 --> 00:28:45,373
I just want to
sit down. You can do the talking.
302
00:28:48,673 --> 00:28:51,871
- God Almighty.
- What shall I say to them?
303
00:28:54,477 --> 00:28:58,667
Tell 'em you went down the auction last Friday
and bought a 1962 A.40
304
00:28:59,557 --> 00:29:01,495
that you sold thirty Christmas trees in the market
305
00:29:01,669 --> 00:29:05,728
and knocked out two gross of
fire salvaged Rubik cubes in Croydon shopping precinct.
306
00:29:06,053 --> 00:29:08,375
Tantalize 'em Rodney,
tantalize 'em.
307
00:29:09,496 --> 00:29:10,510
You don't think it'll bore 'em?
308
00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:14,124
No. They wouldn't have had so
much fun since their last exorcism!
309
00:29:14,967 --> 00:29:20,237
- We can talk about Christmas!
- Yeah, tell 'em about them giblets. Let's go.
310
00:29:21,963 --> 00:29:27,250
- No Del, hold it.
- I'll kick you in the shins in a minute. Now what?
311
00:29:27,585 --> 00:29:29,223
Which one d'you fancy?
312
00:29:29,866 --> 00:29:34,997
Not yours, Look,
they're both very nice. I ain't particular.
313
00:29:35,632 --> 00:29:38,475
- No, I'm not particular neither.
- Good! I'll have the blonde one then.
314
00:29:38,685 --> 00:29:39,923
I fancied the blonde one!
315
00:29:40,139 --> 00:29:48,298
Gordon Bennett!! The darkhaired one's very nice.
And if I'm not mistaken I've seen her two or three times
316
00:29:48,590 --> 00:29:52,478
coming out of Guy's hospital.
Now either she's a very sick girl or she's a nurse.
317
00:29:52,786 --> 00:29:56,886
Now you like a nice nurse, don't you,
particularly in uniform, eh?
318
00:29:58,783 --> 00:30:02,169
Take it or leave it. Anyway
she's not wearing her uniform, is she?
319
00:30:03,912 --> 00:30:08,314
Well of course not. You don't come to the Monte Carlo club
dressed up as Sister George do you.
320
00:30:09,124 --> 00:30:11,725
But she might have her
uniform with her.
321
00:30:12,098 --> 00:30:15,776
Oh yeah! Stuffed in her handbag
in case she sees an accident on the way home.
322
00:30:17,340 --> 00:30:19,705
Alright, so she ain't got her uniform with her.
323
00:30:19,937 --> 00:30:22,703
But on the other hand, she might have
something for your stomach might'n she.
324
00:30:23,516 --> 00:30:27,562
Now come along, we're gonna make our move,
and I'm doing all the talking.
325
00:30:27,950 --> 00:30:33,814
So if you should hear things like Lamborghini,
Malibu Beach or Lady Diana, don't get nervous.
326
00:30:34,526 --> 00:30:35,284
Alright then.
327
00:30:45,173 --> 00:30:47,913
You dozy little twonk, Rodney.
328
00:30:48,101 --> 00:30:50,250
Me? Don't blame me Del, it's
your fault.
329
00:30:50,554 --> 00:30:54,141
Five minutes ago I was ready to make my
move, but you kept calling me back.
330
00:30:54,471 --> 00:30:57,626
An hour ago I was half-way
across that floor and you called me back.
331
00:30:57,872 --> 00:31:02,295
That's 'cause you was doing a silly walk.
And anyway your timing was all wrong.
332
00:31:02,788 --> 00:31:06,188
The birds had hardly sat down and you were steaming
across that floor like Ivor the Engine.
333
00:31:07,815 --> 00:31:13,296
It's no good just crashing in with a smile and a prayer.
A woman needs time, Rodney.
334
00:31:13,902 --> 00:31:15,841
Them tactics have never failed
me in the past.
335
00:31:16,046 --> 00:31:21,025
Well they wouldn't with them Ovaltinies you chat up.
I've heard your line of patter my son.
336
00:31:21,410 --> 00:31:24,812
If they don't know Adam Ant's birthday or the
Chelsea result, it's goodnight Vienna, innit?
337
00:31:26,177 --> 00:31:30,331
With me, it's different. I take a woman's
feelings into consideration.
338
00:31:31,107 --> 00:31:39,158
I do. When a woman goes out with me she is guaranteed
three things - well four actually,
339
00:31:39,351 --> 00:31:43,521
but the fourth's an optional extra.
She's guaranteed a well dressed man.
340
00:31:46,457 --> 00:31:53,038
She is guaranteed a steak meal. And she is guaranteed
care and consideration. Oh yes she is.
341
00:31:54,473 --> 00:32:00,742
I take a woman's feelings into consideration.
It's so easy to hurt her deeply with a thoughtless word,
342
00:32:01,977 --> 00:32:06,846
a badly timed gesture.
No, I care about women's feelings.
343
00:32:07,565 --> 00:32:10,738
There's too much pain in this world Rodney
without me causing more!
344
00:32:21,745 --> 00:32:23,478
Excuse me, Ladies.
345
00:32:23,704 --> 00:32:28,159
It's getting rather late and my brother and I were wondering
if you were thinking of going home yet?
346
00:32:28,770 --> 00:32:31,064
Oh yes, we were just going to
get our coats.
347
00:32:31,349 --> 00:32:33,596
Oh good, we can have your
chairs then, can't we?
348
00:32:36,536 --> 00:32:38,941
Come on Rodney. Excuse me love.
35955
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