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00:00:26,020 --> 00:00:27,270
Ladies and gentlemen,
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00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:30,280
please welcome Jeff Dunham!
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00:00:54,970 --> 00:00:56,340
Thank you so much.
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00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,930
Thank you very much.
Have a seat. Oh, my gosh.
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00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:04,270
Ladies and gentlemen, it does
not get any better than this,
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00:01:04,350 --> 00:01:06,900
right here at the Dolby
In Hollywood, California!
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00:01:11,690 --> 00:01:13,410
This is fantastic
and I...
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00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,240
I have to tell you,
you know, this is right here,
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they have the Oscars,
the Academy Awards.
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00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,250
Doesn't get any better
than that.
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00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,170
This is fantastic,
and tonight we are here.
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00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,670
Plenty of adult
beverages. Yes?
13
00:01:24,580 --> 00:01:26,420
And a middle-aged guy
onstage,
14
00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:27,590
arguing with his dolls.
15
00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:29,340
It's a magical night,
ladies and gentlemen.
16
00:01:30,670 --> 00:01:32,170
But I am a ventriloquist,
for those of you
17
00:01:32,250 --> 00:01:33,380
who might not have
figured that out yet.
18
00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:36,390
And people ask me all the time,
"Jeff, why this, as a career?"
19
00:01:36,510 --> 00:01:38,510
Well, I've never done
anything else.
20
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,850
I taught myself ventriloquism
in the third grade,
21
00:01:40,930 --> 00:01:43,100
got a dummy,
and just kept practicing.
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00:01:43,180 --> 00:01:44,930
I didn't have any brothers
and sisters,
23
00:01:45,020 --> 00:01:46,770
so there was no one
there to tell me
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00:01:46,850 --> 00:01:48,570
that what I was doing
was incredibly lame.
25
00:01:51,230 --> 00:01:52,360
And since I was adopted,
26
00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:54,570
I guess my parents
were like, "Net our fault."
27
00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:00,870
As a kid, I didn't know it was
weird to be a ventriloquist.
28
00:02:00,990 --> 00:02:02,290
But I got picked on for it.
29
00:02:02,370 --> 00:02:04,420
The good part was
the bullies didn't know
30
00:02:04,490 --> 00:02:06,960
who to stuff in the gym locker
first, me or the freaking doll.
31
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,960
As for my parents, they were
supportive of my hobby.
32
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,300
But when I was a kid,
if I said something stupid,
33
00:02:13,380 --> 00:02:15,760
my father would go, "Stop
talking out of your butt."
34
00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:18,340
Ironically, that could be
a Whole new bit in my show.
35
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:21,350
A little muffled voice,
"Let me out."
36
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:24,730
I'm working on it.
37
00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:27,730
By the time junior high
relied around,
38
00:02:27,810 --> 00:02:28,980
to make matters worse,
39
00:02:29,060 --> 00:02:30,480
not only was I
a ventriloquist,
40
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,110
but I also chose
to play the trombone.
41
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,450
Yep, the babes
were lined up for that.
42
00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:39,500
So, in school I had braces,
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00:02:39,570 --> 00:02:41,620
I played the trombone,
and I carried around a dummy.
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00:02:41,700 --> 00:02:44,170
Even the nerds were like,
"Dude, you can't sit with us."
45
00:02:46,790 --> 00:02:49,380
I'm not kidding, the short
school bus started picking me up
46
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,710
simply 'cause the driver
figured he was supposed to.
47
00:02:53,420 --> 00:02:54,590
After I graduated
from college,
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00:02:54,670 --> 00:02:57,770
I moved out to Los Angeles,
got married, had three girls,
49
00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,840
and because it was part
of our everyday lives,
50
00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:03,270
I guess my girls thought that what I
did for a living was not unusual.
51
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,850
One day when my youngest daughter
was playing at a friend's house,
52
00:03:05,930 --> 00:03:07,520
she turned to the other kid
and goes,
53
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,070
"Where are your
daddy's dolls?"
54
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:12,860
True story.
55
00:03:13,690 --> 00:03:15,570
But my daughters
are now young women,
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00:03:15,650 --> 00:03:17,700
I'm remarried, I'm the
luckiest guy on the planet
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00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:18,870
to have my wife, Audrey.
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00:03:18,940 --> 00:03:21,290
When we got married, I knew I
came with a lot of baggage.
59
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:24,960
There's an ex-wife, three
daughters, six talking dummies...
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00:03:25,870 --> 00:03:27,840
Try putting that
on your Match.com profile.
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00:03:30,870 --> 00:03:31,870
But we're here tonight
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00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,460
because my act
has taken me places
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00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:34,880
I 'd never thought possible.
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00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:38,760
We've done shows in South Africa,
Abu Dhabi, Israel, Malaysia
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00:03:39,090 --> 00:03:41,180
and places where they can
barely speak English.
66
00:03:41,260 --> 00:03:43,060
Like France
and southern California.
67
00:03:52,310 --> 00:03:53,900
But they even
want me in China.
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00:03:53,980 --> 00:03:55,480
Heck, yeah, I'll go to China.
69
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:59,160
And then I can see the factory where small
children make my Jeff Dunham merchandise.
70
00:04:04,990 --> 00:04:07,490
Oh, like Santa Claus
is any freaking different.
71
00:04:08,990 --> 00:04:11,590
But I'm kidding, all of my
merchandise is made right here
72
00:04:11,660 --> 00:04:13,130
in the good ol'' US of A.
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00:04:19,340 --> 00:04:20,880
Including the little
stickers on the back
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00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,180
that say, "Made in China."
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00:04:22,260 --> 00:04:23,800
But...
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00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,810
You guys ready for the
little people in the boxes?
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00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,190
The first guy
I would like to introduce,
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00:04:33,270 --> 00:04:34,360
I think audiences like
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00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,610
because everyone knows
someone like this.
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00:04:36,690 --> 00:04:39,280
You know somebody like this in your
own family, or where you work.
81
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,780
Please help me welcome
my old friend, Walter.
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00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,880
Shut the hell up.
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00:05:04,090 --> 00:05:05,140
Walter, they like you.
84
00:05:05,260 --> 00:05:07,600
Only 'cause they were drunk
before they got here.
85
00:05:09,550 --> 00:05:10,850
Aren't you happy
to be here?
86
00:05:10,930 --> 00:05:12,350
Not exactly.
Why not?
87
00:05:12,430 --> 00:05:15,310
This town is too freaking
bizarre for me.
88
00:05:15,390 --> 00:05:16,520
Why do you say that?
89
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:20,860
On my way in here tonight, I saw
Aquaman on Hollywood Boulevard.
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00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:23,790
What the hell?
91
00:05:24,690 --> 00:05:26,570
Why would Aquaman
be on Hollywood Boulevard?
92
00:05:26,700 --> 00:05:29,170
Well, there's a drought,
I guess he's homeless.
93
00:05:37,580 --> 00:05:40,680
You know, Walter, there are a lot of
things to like about Los Angeles.
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00:05:40,750 --> 00:05:43,300
Like what?
Traffic from hell.
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00:05:44,710 --> 00:05:47,680
Highest gas prices
in the country.
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00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,980
Wildfires.
97
00:05:51,050 --> 00:05:53,560
Mudslides
and earthquakes, yay!
98
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,350
I love it here!
99
00:05:57,140 --> 00:05:58,140
Dumb ass.
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00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,650
You ever been
in an earthquake?
101
00:06:01,730 --> 00:06:04,740
Uh, does my wife falling off
of the couch count?
102
00:06:06,150 --> 00:06:08,580
"What the...
Oh, it's you. All right."
103
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,910
Why are you
in a bad mood already?
104
00:06:11,990 --> 00:06:14,670
Well, do you know what it's
like to wake up and discover
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00:06:14,790 --> 00:06:17,960
that your wife of 45 years has
left and isn't coming back?
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00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,550
No, I don't.
Yeah. Me neither.
107
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:21,970
But I can dream,
can't I?
108
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:25,670
Is it really that bad?
Yes.
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00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,600
The other day, before her birthday,
she started yelling at me,
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00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:30,890
"Tomorrow, I'd better
see a diamond."
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00:06:30,970 --> 00:06:32,770
Oh, a diamond.
What'd you do?
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00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:34,560
I took her
to a baseball game.
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00:06:38,980 --> 00:06:40,480
So, does your wife
like Hollywood?
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00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,240
Yeah, but she thinks
it's crazy
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00:06:42,310 --> 00:06:44,740
how many folks in this
town get plastic surgery.
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00:06:44,820 --> 00:06:46,990
Oh. She wouldn't do that?
Why?
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00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:48,740
Why not?
Come on.
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00:06:48,820 --> 00:06:50,320
Putting new headlights
on a minivan
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00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,780
doesn't make it
a Corvette.
120
00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:59,670
Yeah, these guys know
what I'm talking about.
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00:07:01,670 --> 00:07:04,510
And the women who get those
fake, giant whoo-haws,
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00:07:04,630 --> 00:07:06,050
they don't want you
to miss them either.
123
00:07:06,170 --> 00:07:08,300
How's that? If you look
those women in the eye
124
00:07:08,380 --> 00:07:10,350
when you're talking to them,
they get all pissed off
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00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,300
and they go, "Hey,
my boobs are down here."
126
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:16,560
I bet your wife likes
at least a few things in LA.
127
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,230
Like what? I don't know, The
Kardashians are filmed here.
128
00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:33,030
I'm sorry, I threw up
in my mouth a little.
129
00:07:35,410 --> 00:07:36,910
Kardashians. Hey!
130
00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:39,590
Who the hell's that new tall chick?
She's kind of hot.
131
00:07:50,590 --> 00:07:52,810
Did I miss something?
Yeah, I think so.
132
00:07:53,430 --> 00:07:55,390
What the hell
are you laughing at?
133
00:07:56,050 --> 00:07:58,680
Walter, that's Caitlyn.
Who the hell is Caitlyn?
134
00:08:01,430 --> 00:08:03,980
Oh! Bruce has a sister?
No.
135
00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:07,570
What the hell
is so funny?
136
00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:09,280
What, is she available?
137
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:10,700
No, I don't know.
138
00:08:11,110 --> 00:08:12,950
Like, what does
your wife watch on TV?
139
00:08:13,030 --> 00:08:14,030
I don't care.
140
00:08:15,410 --> 00:08:16,530
Are you guys happy?
141
00:08:16,660 --> 00:08:17,660
Look at me.
142
00:08:19,410 --> 00:08:20,410
Well, you still love her.
143
00:08:20,540 --> 00:08:22,630
Yeah, of course,
but like most marriages,
144
00:08:22,750 --> 00:08:25,380
we have been through some
difficult times. Sure.
145
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:27,840
But we stayed together
because of the children.
146
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,920
Oh, you say your children
saved your marriage?
147
00:08:33,260 --> 00:08:35,230
Yeah.
148
00:08:37,470 --> 00:08:38,770
Bastards.
149
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,610
Well, admittedly, a good
marriage can be hard work.
150
00:08:44,730 --> 00:08:47,450
Yeah, I know, I know,
I know, I know it can, yeah.
151
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,150
We went to a marriage
therapist one time.
152
00:08:49,230 --> 00:08:51,410
Just once?
It was a therapist.
153
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:52,530
You didn't like
the therapist?
154
00:08:52,610 --> 00:08:54,030
Oh, no, he seemed
like a good guy,
155
00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:56,410
but after listening to my
wife talk for 10 minutes,
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00:08:56,490 --> 00:08:57,710
he jumped out the window.
157
00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:01,290
Seriously?
Absolutely.
158
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:03,040
And if it wasn't for the
leash around my nuts,
159
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:04,290
I would've
followed the guy.
160
00:09:11,380 --> 00:09:13,300
It was a choke collar.
All right.
161
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,890
Look, Walter, I know for a fact
that you love your family,
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00:09:17,970 --> 00:09:18,970
you still love your wife,
163
00:09:19,050 --> 00:09:20,310
and I think that
even at this age,
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00:09:20,430 --> 00:09:21,680
every once in a while
165
00:09:21,770 --> 00:09:23,860
you should still try and be
romantic with your wife.
166
00:09:24,180 --> 00:09:25,360
Good lord.
167
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:27,610
Like how?
168
00:09:27,690 --> 00:09:29,280
I don't know, do you
ever speak to your wife
169
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,820
in a foreign language,
like in French?
170
00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:31,900
Some women love that.
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00:09:32,110 --> 00:09:34,160
I call her a French name
now and then.
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00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:38,370
Mon cherie.
Quasimodo.
173
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:42,990
So, is there romance
between you two?
174
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:46,420
Well, not long ago, my wife
left a trail of rose petals
175
00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:47,840
on the floor for me.
Oh.
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00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:48,960
Into the bedroom?
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00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,170
Right out the front door.
178
00:09:55,010 --> 00:09:57,010
You know, there are plenty of
romantic places in this country
179
00:09:57,090 --> 00:09:58,840
you could go for
a special time together.
180
00:09:58,930 --> 00:09:59,970
Like where?
181
00:10:00,010 --> 00:10:02,180
Top of the Empire State Building.
Oh, no, we tried that.
182
00:10:02,260 --> 00:10:04,520
A security guard took one
look at her and went, "Uh-oh.
183
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:05,690
"King Kong is back!"
184
00:10:08,350 --> 00:10:09,450
See, just like that.
185
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,070
You've been married
for over 45 years.
186
00:10:11,150 --> 00:10:13,450
Have you ever said anything to your
wife that you truly regretted?
187
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:14,700
Oh, yeah.
"Will you marry me ?",
188
00:10:14,860 --> 00:10:16,160
"I love you,"
shit like that.
189
00:10:21,030 --> 00:10:22,960
Come on, when your wife
is a romantic mood,
190
00:10:23,030 --> 00:10:25,330
do you ever think about taking
one of those little pills?
191
00:10:26,830 --> 00:10:28,550
Cyanide? Oh, yeah.
I do actually.
192
00:10:33,710 --> 00:10:36,640
Come on, what does your wife put on
when she's feeling frisky at bedtime?
193
00:10:36,710 --> 00:10:38,260
Night vision goggles.
194
00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:43,680
Then she sneaks around the
house and hunts my ass down.
195
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:46,110
It is scary stuff,
my friends.
196
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,600
When was the last time you even
put your arms around your wife?
197
00:10:49,690 --> 00:10:53,360
A couple of weeks ago when she
was choking on a piece of steak.
198
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:54,820
You see, there you
gave her the Heimlich.
199
00:10:54,900 --> 00:10:56,070
Yeah, I know,
I was drunk.
200
00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:57,780
I don't know
what I was thinking.
201
00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:59,780
I was so close.
202
00:11:01,490 --> 00:11:02,830
Maybe you could do
something simple,
203
00:11:02,910 --> 00:11:04,120
like watching
a movie together.
204
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,920
Oh, no, every time we watch
a movie, she falls asleep.
205
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:09,660
And the next morning I have
to drive back to the theater
206
00:11:09,750 --> 00:11:11,090
to pick her up
and bring her home.
207
00:11:15,090 --> 00:11:17,010
Have you done anything fun
in town here this week?
208
00:11:17,090 --> 00:11:18,310
You know I don't
like getting out.
209
00:11:18,380 --> 00:11:19,760
Oh, you're a little bit
of a hypochondriac.
210
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,680
Yeah, why don't you wear
one of those paper masks?
211
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:24,010
Why, it's paper,
it can't stop anything.
212
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,220
I mean hell,
the Constitution is paper,
213
00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:28,780
and it's never stopped
our current administration.
214
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:40,450
Just trying to get a read
on the crowd tonight.
215
00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:45,950
So I take it you're not exactly happy
with our government right now?
216
00:11:46,030 --> 00:11:50,160
Are you kidding me? Congress's
approval rating is at 12%.
217
00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:52,800
Jock itch has a higher
rating than that.
218
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,130
So you paying attention to
the presidential candidates?
219
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,350
Oh, yeah. How would you feel
about a female president?
220
00:11:59,460 --> 00:12:01,260
Oh! Fine with me.
221
00:12:01,340 --> 00:12:04,640
Just whoever it is, make sure
it's after she hits menopause.
222
00:12:06,010 --> 00:12:07,430
Walter.
What?
223
00:12:07,510 --> 00:12:09,310
I was there when my wife
went through it.
224
00:12:09,390 --> 00:12:11,980
If she had been President
then, holy crap!
225
00:12:12,980 --> 00:12:15,700
"I'm hot, I'm cold,
I'm sweaty! I'm clammy!
226
00:12:15,810 --> 00:12:17,820
"Fuck you, Russia.
Launch the missiles!"
227
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:21,910
I'm sorry.
228
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:28,540
You realize you just offended
about half the room here?
229
00:12:28,620 --> 00:12:30,920
Yeah, and the other half is
trying not to look at their wives
230
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,590
and going, "Yeah,
he's got a point."
231
00:12:38,630 --> 00:12:39,680
So, you told me
you've been
232
00:12:39,750 --> 00:12:40,760
getting on the computer
a lot lately.
233
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,140
Oh, yeah. I've been getting
on Facebook. (LAUGHS)
234
00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:44,720
What?
You get on Facebook?
235
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:45,970
Yeah. What do you
do on Facebook?
236
00:12:46,050 --> 00:12:48,930
I like getting on there and
defriending everybody possible.
237
00:12:50,180 --> 00:12:51,350
Why?
Just so they'll wonder
238
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:52,940
what the hell
they did wrong.
239
00:12:53,350 --> 00:12:54,600
It's funny as hell.
240
00:12:55,310 --> 00:12:56,360
That's not nice.
241
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,570
I know. If it was nice,
it wouldn't be funny as hell.
242
00:12:59,770 --> 00:13:02,370
I did actually lose a friend
on Facebook the other day
243
00:13:02,530 --> 00:13:04,280
without defriending him.
How's that?
244
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:07,210
Well, an old buddy of mine
posted that his wife died.
245
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,870
Oh.
I clicked "like".
246
00:13:15,210 --> 00:13:17,880
Then I posted, "Mine's still alive.
Sad face."
247
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,800
So you're getting
into social networking?
248
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:24,760
Yeah, a little bit. You know
what I don't understand
249
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:28,560
is why young couples today
keep nude photos of themselves
250
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:31,060
on their phones and then
text them to each other.
251
00:13:31,180 --> 00:13:32,350
What the hell?
252
00:13:32,430 --> 00:13:34,310
When I was young
and dating my wife,
253
00:13:34,390 --> 00:13:36,020
I never thought,
"She's so beautiful.
254
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:38,360
"I'm going to marry her. But
first I'm going to send her
255
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:39,740
"this picture of my balls."
256
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:47,360
What?
257
00:13:47,490 --> 00:13:50,080
People ask me all the time
if my show is family friendly.
258
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:51,410
What am I supposed
to say now?
259
00:13:51,780 --> 00:13:53,830
It depends on your family.
260
00:14:04,460 --> 00:14:05,560
Well, since
you've gone there,
261
00:14:05,630 --> 00:14:07,470
do you and your wife
have a decent love life?
262
00:14:07,590 --> 00:14:09,770
Oh, she does things
to mix it up now and then.
263
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:11,690
Really? Yeah, she bought
a pair of handcuffs.
264
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:12,980
Really?
Yeah.
265
00:14:13,180 --> 00:14:14,560
Like I needed
another reminder
266
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,110
that I'm serving
a life sentence.
267
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:20,190
Handcuffs at our age,
that's like
268
00:14:20,270 --> 00:14:22,020
Fifty Shades of Old and Gray.
269
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,620
So, is there good communication
between you two?
270
00:14:26,690 --> 00:14:28,120
I guess.
The other night she said,
271
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:31,620
"Your lips say no,
but your eyes say yes."
272
00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:33,840
What'd you say?
"I have glaucoma."
273
00:14:36,620 --> 00:14:39,090
So how's the actual love life?
You mean sex?
274
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:40,790
Yes.
It's always doggy style.
275
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:42,090
Walter.
276
00:14:42,170 --> 00:14:44,090
Yep, she rolls over
and plays dead.
277
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,230
Then I just lick myself
and go to sleep.
278
00:14:55,390 --> 00:14:56,520
I'm sorry.
279
00:14:58,180 --> 00:14:59,400
Walter.
280
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,450
Come on,
good comedy to me
281
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,150
can paint vivid pictures
in everybody's heads.
282
00:15:04,730 --> 00:15:06,330
That was a fucking Van Gogh.
283
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,650
Yes, it was.
Say goodnight, Walter.
284
00:15:08,780 --> 00:15:10,000
Thanks, everybody!
285
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:11,160
That's all...
286
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,010
All right.
287
00:15:33,470 --> 00:15:34,470
Thank you.
288
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:38,560
Well, behind me you see something
that hints at the next guy.
289
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:41,140
He's from somewhere down south.
He's a good ol'' boy.
290
00:15:41,230 --> 00:15:43,730
Please help me welcome
my buddy, Bubba J.
291
00:15:53,530 --> 00:15:56,500
How you doing, Bubba J?
I'm doing perty good!
292
00:15:57,990 --> 00:15:59,120
So, what's been
going on lately?
293
00:15:59,330 --> 00:16:03,300
Well, uh, last week
I went to another NASCAR race
294
00:16:03,370 --> 00:16:06,550
and got perty hammered.
(LAUGHS)
295
00:16:06,710 --> 00:16:07,840
Drunk again?
Oh.
296
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:10,890
No, it's the same drunk,
I just keep extending it.
297
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:15,430
Yeah, if you're not drinking
at a NASCAR race,
298
00:16:15,550 --> 00:16:17,980
you're not at a NASCAR race.
299
00:16:19,470 --> 00:16:20,980
Where are you?
You're at golf.
300
00:16:23,230 --> 00:16:24,730
Well, Bubba J,
do you drink excessively?
301
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:29,190
I don't know
what that word means.
302
00:16:30,530 --> 00:16:32,490
What's the longest you've
ever gone without a beer?
303
00:16:32,570 --> 00:16:34,070
How long have I
been out here?
304
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,580
Less than a minute.
There you go.
305
00:16:37,450 --> 00:16:38,700
Do you know
your drinking limits?
306
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:41,920
Uh, daily or lifetime?
307
00:16:42,750 --> 00:16:45,420
How can you tell someone's
lifetime limit on drinking beer?
308
00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:48,550
Well, if they die when they're
drinking, that was it.
309
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:53,970
What I meant was, do
you know how much beer
310
00:16:54,050 --> 00:16:55,520
you could have before
you've had too much?
311
00:16:55,590 --> 00:16:57,770
I could have
too much beer?
312
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,890
Sure.
That would be fantastic.
313
00:17:03,180 --> 00:17:05,360
Have you ever drank as
much as you wanted? Yeah.
314
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,240
What happened?
You looked pretty.
315
00:17:14,820 --> 00:17:16,410
Can't you have fun
without beer?
316
00:17:16,490 --> 00:17:18,830
Yeah, but why risk it?
I don't know.
317
00:17:19,780 --> 00:17:22,000
Would you rather drink beer out
of a can, a bottle, or on tap?
318
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:23,960
Uh, yes, yes,
and yes.
319
00:17:25,540 --> 00:17:27,630
Just remember, Bubba J,
you should never drink alone.
320
00:17:27,750 --> 00:17:30,380
You're not
fooling anybody.
321
00:17:30,460 --> 00:17:31,840
That's why you have us.
322
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,610
So your favorite time to
drink is at sporting events?
323
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,780
Uh, yes, sporting events,
yeah. It's good, yeah.
324
00:17:47,850 --> 00:17:49,320
Do you drink beer
every day?
325
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:52,030
Uh, only on my days off.
Oh.
326
00:17:52,110 --> 00:17:54,490
You don't have a job.
Ta-da!
327
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,830
My favorite holiday to get drunk on is St.
Patrick's Day.
328
00:18:01,620 --> 00:18:03,160
Oh!
329
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:05,040
There's all the Germans.
Right.
330
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,420
I didn't know
you were Irish.
331
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,970
I'm not. I also get
drunk on Cinco de Mayo
332
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,090
and Martin Luther
King Day,
333
00:18:13,170 --> 00:18:15,670
and I'm not Mexican or black.
Oh, okay.
334
00:18:16,670 --> 00:18:19,220
Oh, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry.
335
00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:21,850
What? I don't want anybody
thinking I'm racist.
336
00:18:22,850 --> 00:18:24,320
Why would anyone
think you're racist?
337
00:18:24,390 --> 00:18:26,190
Because I said "Mexican".
338
00:18:29,230 --> 00:18:32,200
And I also said "black",
sorry about that. Sorry.
339
00:18:33,150 --> 00:18:35,370
Bubba J, it's okay to say
"Mexican" and "black".
340
00:18:36,030 --> 00:18:37,780
It is?
Sure.
341
00:18:37,990 --> 00:18:39,830
Why, 'cause everybody
here is white?
342
00:18:47,870 --> 00:18:50,000
No, it's just okay
to use those words.
343
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:53,090
Okay. Well, thanks
for keeping me real, cracker.
344
00:18:57,090 --> 00:18:58,970
Oh, wait a minute
No, no.
345
00:18:59,050 --> 00:19:01,550
You're a saltine American.
346
00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:05,100
So, Bubba J, you know we're
right here in Hollywood.
347
00:19:05,220 --> 00:19:06,350
Oh yeah.
Sure.
348
00:19:06,430 --> 00:19:08,560
What do you think of LA?
Oh, I don't like it.
349
00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:10,310
You don't like LA?
350
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,780
Oh, I thought you said "AA".
(LAUGHING)
351
00:19:14,610 --> 00:19:17,660
I like LA and I love beer.
That's good.
352
00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:19,580
But I got to do something
about my gut.
353
00:19:19,650 --> 00:19:21,000
Oh, you're going to
start working out?
354
00:19:21,110 --> 00:19:23,330
No, I'm going to
get a bigger shirt.
355
00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,370
Somebody told me
that to stay in shape,
356
00:19:27,450 --> 00:19:28,670
I should get a trainer.
357
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:30,000
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I did it.
358
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,170
You did? How's that going?
Yeah.?
359
00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:34,500
Pretty good. So far I can sit
and shake and roll over.
360
00:19:36,420 --> 00:19:37,920
And then I get a cookie.
361
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,350
So what else do you
know about LA?
362
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:45,100
Uh, the bad traffic here
reminds me of marriage.
363
00:19:45,430 --> 00:19:46,480
How's that?
364
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:48,850
You're stuck in it because
there was an accident.
365
00:19:55,860 --> 00:19:57,950
Walter told me
to tell that one.
366
00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,450
That's a good one, isn't it?
367
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,870
Here's another one Walter told
me, you want to hear this?
368
00:20:02,950 --> 00:20:06,580
No. Getting married is like
your iTunes agreement.
369
00:20:06,740 --> 00:20:07,790
How's that?
370
00:20:07,870 --> 00:20:10,120
You have no idea
what you're saying yes to,
371
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,460
but you'll agree just so
it'll shut the hell up.
372
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:17,460
So, you've been
to Disneyland?
373
00:20:17,590 --> 00:20:19,340
Oh, I love Disneyland.
374
00:20:19,420 --> 00:20:20,470
Did you...
Yeah...
375
00:20:23,970 --> 00:20:25,600
Did you see
"It's a Small World"?
376
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,310
Is that the one
where you go on a date
377
00:20:28,390 --> 00:20:30,060
and it turns out
she's your cousin,
378
00:20:30,140 --> 00:20:31,480
and you go,
"Och, small world"?
379
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:37,900
Been there,
done that.
380
00:20:39,570 --> 00:20:42,120
Hey, did you know they now
sell beer at Disneyland?
381
00:20:42,190 --> 00:20:44,290
I did know that. How
old do you have to be
382
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:45,580
to, uh, drink beer
at Disneyland?
383
00:20:45,660 --> 00:20:47,120
Oh, no, everything
goes by height.
384
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:52,500
So you got drunk
at Disneyland?
385
00:20:52,580 --> 00:20:54,880
No. I stayed drunk
at Disneyland.
386
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:57,260
Bubba J,
that's not good.
387
00:20:57,330 --> 00:20:58,380
I know, it was bad.
388
00:20:58,460 --> 00:21:01,090
At the arcade, I thought
we were really hunting
389
00:21:01,170 --> 00:21:02,640
and I shot Donald Duck.
390
00:21:04,380 --> 00:21:05,730
He had a big one
in the suit,
391
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:07,520
now he walks
a little goofy.
392
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:09,860
Get it?
Goofy!
393
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:14,100
Hey, did you know
that here in LA, last week,
394
00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:17,310
some guy tried to sell me
a map to the stars?
395
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:20,440
Oh, did you get it? No, l went,
"Duh, buddy- Just look up. "
396
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:29,160
So, Bubba J, when we're
in southern California,
397
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:30,490
are you ever worried
about earthquakes?
398
00:21:30,580 --> 00:21:32,700
No, I'm used to it,
the ground is always moving
399
00:21:32,790 --> 00:21:33,790
when you're hammered.
400
00:21:36,210 --> 00:21:38,590
If it stops suddenly,
that's when I fall down.
401
00:21:40,130 --> 00:21:42,880
Hey, do they have
Walmarts in Los Angeles?
402
00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:44,550
Sure, you like Wal-Mart?
Oh, yeah.
403
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,090
It's so convenient.
404
00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:49,650
Where else can you get...
405
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,900
Sorry,
I screwed up the joke.
406
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:00,440
Sorry.
407
00:22:08,990 --> 00:22:11,490
Wait a minute,
you screwed up the joke!
408
00:22:17,250 --> 00:22:20,090
Don't make me say
what I did, you did,
409
00:22:20,170 --> 00:22:22,670
and then make it
your fault, my fault,
410
00:22:22,750 --> 00:22:24,430
my brain hurts now.
411
00:22:26,340 --> 00:22:27,430
What were you
trying to ask?
412
00:22:27,510 --> 00:22:29,980
No, what were you trying
to make me ask?
413
00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:33,100
I didn't screw this up,
you did.
414
00:22:33,970 --> 00:22:36,100
I may be dumb,
but you're helping me.
415
00:22:42,270 --> 00:22:43,270
All right.
416
00:22:45,110 --> 00:22:47,860
You want to try that
joke again Huh?
417
00:22:47,950 --> 00:22:49,570
You, you want to
try the joke again?
418
00:22:49,660 --> 00:22:51,410
You mean from the start?
419
00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:53,750
Sure, just, just to
get it right.
420
00:22:54,370 --> 00:22:56,590
Duh, redo the whole joke?
Yeah.
421
00:22:57,750 --> 00:22:59,120
Uh... Okay.
422
00:23:01,790 --> 00:23:03,040
Okay, all right.
423
00:23:16,060 --> 00:23:17,520
Okay. Okay-
424
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,100
Okay, okay,
okay, Okay-
425
00:23:19,810 --> 00:23:20,810
Oh, yeah.
426
00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:21,900
Wal-Mart!
427
00:23:24,770 --> 00:23:26,320
What's my first line?
428
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:29,820
Do they have
Walmarts in Los...
429
00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:31,120
Okay, I got it,
okay.
430
00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:32,660
Do they have the
Walmarts-Marts, okay, okay.
431
00:23:33,530 --> 00:23:35,130
This is like acting.
Yes.
432
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,200
Okay. Take two.
433
00:23:44,460 --> 00:23:46,010
Hey. Jeff!
434
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:52,720
Yes, Bubba J?
435
00:23:53,140 --> 00:23:54,310
Oh, that was
really natural.
436
00:23:54,390 --> 00:23:55,810
You're good,
that was good, okay.
437
00:23:58,100 --> 00:24:02,770
Hey, do they have
Wei-Marts in Los Angeles?
438
00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:12,120
Hurry up, you're
fucking up the timing.
439
00:24:26,170 --> 00:24:29,090
Yes, they do have
Wei-Marts in Los Angeles.
440
00:24:32,340 --> 00:24:34,890
Don't laugh when I talk,
it fucks the whole thing up.
441
00:24:41,020 --> 00:24:42,140
You like Walmarts?
442
00:24:42,230 --> 00:24:44,570
Yes. It's so convenient!
443
00:24:46,020 --> 00:24:48,870
Where else can you get
Cheez-Its, tampons,
444
00:24:48,940 --> 00:24:51,740
and a canoe,
all in the same place?
445
00:25:03,750 --> 00:25:07,250
And now back to our
regularly scheduled show.
446
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:13,010
Hey, Mr. D, why are we on
stage like this all the time?
447
00:25:13,260 --> 00:25:14,510
This is my job.
What is?
448
00:25:14,590 --> 00:25:15,930
This is.
449
00:25:17,090 --> 00:25:19,190
To stand here and talk to everybody?
That's right.
450
00:25:19,260 --> 00:25:20,890
That's your job?
Yeah.
451
00:25:21,270 --> 00:25:24,570
Don't exactly need a college
education for this, do you?
452
00:25:25,390 --> 00:25:26,940
Well, I graduated
from college.
453
00:25:27,020 --> 00:25:28,570
Oh, and now you do this?
That's right.
454
00:25:28,730 --> 00:25:30,830
Well, that was a big ass
waste of money, wasn't it?
455
00:25:33,610 --> 00:25:37,290
You need more education to
boil an egg than you do this.
456
00:25:37,950 --> 00:25:39,620
Hey, can you boil an egg? Yeah.
457
00:25:39,740 --> 00:25:42,290
Well, there you go, you got
something to fall back on.
458
00:25:43,950 --> 00:25:45,330
Hey, I forgot
to tell you,
459
00:25:45,410 --> 00:25:47,760
Walter told me
I should get on Titter.
460
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:54,800
Twitter.
461
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,520
Oh. Well, that doesn't
sound as fun, does it?
462
00:25:59,260 --> 00:26:02,440
Hey, you know what the hardest part
is about the Internet for me'?
463
00:26:02,510 --> 00:26:04,730
What? Remembering
all the passwords.
464
00:26:04,810 --> 00:26:05,900
Oh, well,
keep it simple.
465
00:26:05,980 --> 00:26:07,440
Just use the name
of someone you love.
466
00:26:07,900 --> 00:26:09,740
My dog? Sure, what's
your dog's name?
467
00:26:10,060 --> 00:26:11,070
Dog.
468
00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:13,580
Your dog's name
is Dog?
469
00:26:13,650 --> 00:26:16,280
Actually it's "Doug",
but the "U" is silent.
470
00:26:19,070 --> 00:26:20,370
It's Italian.
471
00:26:23,790 --> 00:26:25,160
Bubba J,
have you tweeted?
472
00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:27,420
Oh, yeah,
sorry about that.
473
00:26:36,340 --> 00:26:38,560
It's a big room,
I didn't know you'd know.
474
00:26:40,510 --> 00:26:41,930
I usually blame
that on Doug.
475
00:26:44,100 --> 00:26:46,650
Hey, somebody told me
they saw me on the Internet.
476
00:26:46,850 --> 00:26:48,480
Oh, have you
Googled yourself?
477
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:53,690
Not in public.
478
00:26:55,650 --> 00:26:57,280
And not a lot.
Okay.
479
00:26:57,740 --> 00:26:59,030
I can still see.
480
00:27:04,830 --> 00:27:06,700
So I take it you grew
up in a small town?
481
00:27:06,790 --> 00:27:08,510
Yeah, perty small.
How small?
482
00:27:08,580 --> 00:27:10,250
Well, we didn't have
the street lights,
483
00:27:10,330 --> 00:27:12,550
so the hookers
stood under a flashlight.
484
00:27:14,500 --> 00:27:17,050
I called her Ever Ready.
(LAUGHS)
485
00:27:18,670 --> 00:27:20,550
You know, Walter and I were
talking about our government.
486
00:27:20,630 --> 00:27:22,100
Yeah. Do you pay
attention to politics?
487
00:27:22,180 --> 00:27:24,730
Oh, yeah_ I pay attention, yeah,
politics, yeah, sure. Sure do, okay.
488
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,150
Okay, can I ask you your opinion
on some current issues?
489
00:27:28,270 --> 00:27:30,240
Oh, yeah, current issues,
okay, right, right.
490
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:32,730
Let's talk about some things
you might be familiar with.
491
00:27:32,810 --> 00:27:34,280
Okay, for example,
Bubba J,
492
00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:36,400
what is your feeling
on gun control?
493
00:27:37,900 --> 00:27:39,400
Oh, I know this one.
494
00:27:45,780 --> 00:27:49,580
Oh, yeah, if you're drunk and
seeing double, shoot in the middle.
495
00:27:59,550 --> 00:28:02,020
So what do you think
about taxing the 1%?
496
00:28:02,090 --> 00:28:04,310
Oh, I don't know,
I drink whole milk.
497
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,480
Are you familiar with the term
No Child Left Behind?
498
00:28:10,730 --> 00:28:13,570
I think the movie's actually
called Home Alone.
499
00:28:16,570 --> 00:28:18,780
So, what do you think about
immigration reform?
500
00:28:19,780 --> 00:28:23,950
Is it bad for me to say I'm kind
of on the fence on this one?
501
00:28:30,540 --> 00:28:32,510
All right, what do you think
about the Clintons?
502
00:28:32,580 --> 00:28:35,180
My wife says
I can never find it.
503
00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:48,390
No, Hillary Clinton.
504
00:28:49,140 --> 00:28:50,980
It has a first name?
505
00:28:56,690 --> 00:29:00,070
I always thought the full
name sounded like a dinosaur.
506
00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:02,780
Clintonsaurus.
507
00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:06,780
Either way, it's fossilized.
508
00:29:13,540 --> 00:29:15,540
How would you feel
about a woman President?
509
00:29:15,790 --> 00:29:16,960
Oh, no.
510
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:20,010
Does Obama want
to become a woman, too?
511
00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:29,770
I'm all for a woman
President,
512
00:29:29,850 --> 00:29:32,270
just so long as she doesn't
start all her speeches with,
513
00:29:32,350 --> 00:29:34,350
"Where the hell
were you last night?"
514
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,270
But I heard it could be Hillary
against Jeb.
515
00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:43,280
That's right. Either way, we are going
to have a bush in the White House.
516
00:29:45,530 --> 00:29:46,580
Yeah!
517
00:29:46,660 --> 00:29:47,660
I'm sorry.
518
00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:49,320
Bush!
519
00:29:50,700 --> 00:29:52,000
You get it?
Yeah.
520
00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:54,920
Unless she goes
to Brazil.
521
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:56,170
Will you stop?
522
00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:01,340
Get it? 'Cause there's no
bush in Brazil. I got it.
523
00:30:07,300 --> 00:30:09,400
I do some of these
just for me, you know, so...
524
00:30:11,430 --> 00:30:14,560
So another big issue, I'm afraid
to even ask this one, um...
525
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:16,360
How do
you feel about fracking?
526
00:30:22,730 --> 00:30:26,330
Me and the wife are down to
about once a month.
527
00:30:27,030 --> 00:30:30,000
No, I'm talking about drilling
into a hole and hitting gas.
528
00:30:30,070 --> 00:30:31,580
Yeah, so am l.
529
00:30:33,450 --> 00:30:34,670
Say goodnight,
Bubba J.
530
00:30:34,750 --> 00:30:36,750
Night, everybody!
That's Bubba J!
531
00:30:50,260 --> 00:30:51,260
All right.
532
00:30:55,430 --> 00:30:56,780
Before we get started,
533
00:30:56,850 --> 00:30:58,150
something that has been
bugging me,
534
00:30:58,230 --> 00:31:00,100
you know, I travel
all over the world
535
00:31:00,190 --> 00:31:02,440
with industrial strength
humidifiers for my voice.
536
00:31:02,810 --> 00:31:04,570
I come to Hollywood,
big show like this,
537
00:31:04,650 --> 00:31:06,450
and what do they get me,
not the industrial strength,
538
00:31:06,530 --> 00:31:08,950
no, they give me
the Hello Kitty humidifier.
539
00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:17,210
Great, thanks guys,
it's fabulous.
540
00:31:18,620 --> 00:31:20,720
So if I run out of voice
tonight, it's their damn fault.
541
00:31:22,630 --> 00:31:24,670
In the
early days of television,
542
00:31:24,750 --> 00:31:27,260
commercials were done live
in front of studio audiences.
543
00:31:27,340 --> 00:31:31,470
Well, just like back then, I get to do
my own commercial for you, right now.
544
00:31:31,590 --> 00:31:32,940
For something
that I am selling.
545
00:31:33,260 --> 00:31:34,310
Ready?
546
00:31:36,770 --> 00:31:39,140
It's the Little Jeff
ventriloquist dummy!
547
00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:49,660
So, let me show you how a professional
ventriloquist dummy works, all right?
548
00:31:49,740 --> 00:31:52,080
So in the box, this is more
than just a dummy in the box,
549
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:54,410
it's a full circle program that
I have, uh, come up with here,
550
00:31:54,490 --> 00:31:55,540
you also get a DVD.
551
00:31:55,620 --> 00:31:57,370
On the DVD are me and all
the guys from my shop,
552
00:31:57,830 --> 00:31:59,330
teaching how
to do ventriloquism,
553
00:31:59,450 --> 00:32:01,920
anybody can learn to do it,
just takes some practice.
554
00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:03,670
Along with that DVD
comes a book,
555
00:32:03,750 --> 00:32:05,420
it's all the same lessons
in written form,
556
00:32:05,500 --> 00:32:07,430
and then, of course, there's
Little Jeff in the box,
557
00:32:07,500 --> 00:32:08,970
and also, uh,
when you get Little Jeff,
558
00:32:09,050 --> 00:32:12,270
you'll also notice there's a
big plastic bag over his head.
559
00:32:12,340 --> 00:32:15,100
Um, I learned that taking
care of my own kids.
560
00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:19,430
Oh, it's great, it slows
them down just enough,
561
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:21,020
it's pretty great.
So, um...
562
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:23,780
But let me show you how a professional
ventriloquist dummy works.
563
00:32:23,850 --> 00:32:25,820
This will be a little
disconcerting for some people,
564
00:32:25,900 --> 00:32:27,150
but you pull
the head off.
565
00:32:28,400 --> 00:32:30,620
And the body on a professional
ventriloquist dummy
566
00:32:30,690 --> 00:32:33,290
is usually hollow, there's nothing
inside that chest cavity.
567
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:34,990
But in the top of the
shoulders is a hole
568
00:32:35,070 --> 00:32:37,420
and inside that hole goes
what's called the control stick
569
00:32:37,490 --> 00:32:38,490
or the head stick.
570
00:32:38,580 --> 00:32:40,300
And on that head stick
are the various controls
571
00:32:40,370 --> 00:32:42,420
to move the different movements
on the dummy's face.
572
00:32:42,500 --> 00:32:44,630
This one does the mouth,
this one does the eyes.
573
00:32:44,710 --> 00:32:46,840
You put them all together,
you can bring him to life.
574
00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:48,630
As for the voice
for Little Jeff,
575
00:32:48,710 --> 00:32:50,760
in one of my earlier acts,
way back when,
576
00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:52,010
Peanut, one of my
other characters,
577
00:32:52,090 --> 00:32:54,090
he had a Little Jeff
and he did a show with him.
578
00:32:54,180 --> 00:32:55,800
He had his voice
for Little Jeff,
579
00:32:55,890 --> 00:32:57,810
but I have to come up
with my own voice for him.
580
00:32:57,890 --> 00:33:00,390
Because I can't do the same
voices that Peanut does.
581
00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:05,900
Thank you
for getting that joke.
582
00:33:07,270 --> 00:33:08,990
I promise you there have
been a handful of audiences
583
00:33:09,070 --> 00:33:10,360
I've done that joke,
and they don't get it.
584
00:33:11,860 --> 00:33:13,080
They sit there and look at
each other and go,
585
00:33:13,150 --> 00:33:16,330
"Oh, yeah, you can't do the same voice
Peanut can. Can't do it, so..."
586
00:33:20,330 --> 00:33:22,580
How you doing, Little Jeff?
Uh, doing fine.
587
00:33:22,660 --> 00:33:25,880
So here we are at the Dolby
Theater in Hollywood,
588
00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:27,500
and I know I'm supposed
to come up here
589
00:33:27,580 --> 00:33:29,680
and talk to all
the nice folks.
590
00:33:29,750 --> 00:33:33,800
Why is there a little Hello
Kitty on the freaking stage?
591
00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:36,600
Well, it's kind of covered up,
but that's my humidifier.
592
00:33:40,220 --> 00:33:43,850
For Little Jeffy's voice.
593
00:33:43,930 --> 00:33:46,530
Oh, you're getting pissed now.
That's funny as hell.
594
00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:48,150
You realize you're
getting pissed at yourself.
595
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:52,200
I know you're getting pissed,
I can see it in my eyes.
596
00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:55,490
So why am I here?
I want you to demonstrate.
597
00:33:55,570 --> 00:33:57,120
Demonstrate what?
What you can do.
598
00:33:57,280 --> 00:33:58,660
Oh great, yay,
fantastic.
599
00:33:58,740 --> 00:34:00,040
This is so much fun,
okay, here we go,
600
00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:01,620
watch closely,
it goes by fast.
601
00:34:01,740 --> 00:34:05,340
Ready, here we go.
Mouth, ah-ah-la-la-Ia.
602
00:34:05,410 --> 00:34:07,840
Eyes, mmm, mmm,
mmm, mmm.
603
00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:09,760
Head. Mmm, mmm,
mmm, mmm.
604
00:34:09,830 --> 00:34:11,590
There, am I fucking done? Hey!
605
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:15,590
I'm sorry. What,
what do I got to do?
606
00:34:15,670 --> 00:34:16,680
I know what
you're going to do,
607
00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:18,350
you're going to demonstrate me,
then put me back in a box,
608
00:34:18,430 --> 00:34:19,600
and sell my ass.
609
00:34:19,680 --> 00:34:21,310
This sucks!
610
00:34:22,010 --> 00:34:23,190
How much am I?
611
00:34:23,310 --> 00:34:24,900
What? What? What
do you mean, what?
612
00:34:24,980 --> 00:34:26,230
Why the hell
did you say that?
613
00:34:26,310 --> 00:34:27,690
You freaking made me say it,
don't say "what".
614
00:34:27,770 --> 00:34:28,820
We all know it's fake.
Fine.
615
00:34:28,900 --> 00:34:29,900
Fine.
How much am I?
616
00:34:29,980 --> 00:34:31,400
95 bucks.
617
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:32,900
95 bucks!
618
00:34:33,110 --> 00:34:34,200
For this?
619
00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:36,820
What a rip-off!
620
00:34:37,490 --> 00:34:38,580
Well, there's more
in the box.
621
00:34:38,660 --> 00:34:40,660
Oh, now it's like
a freaking infomercial.
622
00:34:40,740 --> 00:34:42,490
"There's more?
623
00:34:44,490 --> 00:34:47,170
"Jeff, how could there
possibly be more?
624
00:34:47,250 --> 00:34:49,550
"We don't know
how you do this.
625
00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:56,010
"What else is
in the box, Jeff?"
626
00:34:58,090 --> 00:35:00,770
Well, besides you in the
box, there's a DVD. Of what?
627
00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:02,940
Lessons in ventriloquism. Why?
628
00:35:03,010 --> 00:35:04,770
Well, if somebody
purchases Little Jeff,
629
00:35:04,850 --> 00:35:06,270
and they want to learn
ventriloquism,
630
00:35:06,350 --> 00:35:07,650
or if they have
a child at home.
631
00:35:07,730 --> 00:35:10,280
That's a great idea.
632
00:35:11,650 --> 00:35:14,900
Yeah, if you have a kid at home
who's a total social outcast,
633
00:35:15,940 --> 00:35:18,790
sucks at sports,
girls won't talk to him,
634
00:35:18,860 --> 00:35:20,240
give him a fucking doll.
635
00:35:22,570 --> 00:35:23,580
I'm...
636
00:35:25,700 --> 00:35:27,200
Due to the included DVD,
637
00:35:27,370 --> 00:35:28,960
he can teach himself
ventriloquism,
638
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:31,460
then go to school
and do shows, yay!
639
00:35:31,670 --> 00:35:33,290
Then two months later,
free of charge,
640
00:35:33,380 --> 00:35:36,220
they'll send you another
DVD on self-defense!
641
00:35:38,050 --> 00:35:39,640
'Cause if he does
this crap at school,
642
00:35:39,720 --> 00:35:41,390
he's going to get
beat up a lot!
643
00:35:42,510 --> 00:35:44,060
Little too close to home
there, Jeffy?
644
00:35:47,020 --> 00:35:49,480
"What else
is in the box, Jeff?"
645
00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:55,400
Well, only at the live shows like this
evening, when you purchase a Little Jeff,
646
00:35:55,610 --> 00:35:56,610
also inside the box,
647
00:35:56,690 --> 00:35:59,620
I've included an 8 x 10
photograph of myself and Achmed
648
00:35:59,690 --> 00:36:00,950
that I've personally
autographed.
649
00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:04,580
No one cares.
650
00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:13,580
Stop it, stop it.
651
00:36:13,670 --> 00:36:14,880
Stop it, come back.
Stop it.
652
00:36:17,750 --> 00:36:21,180
Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it.
653
00:36:22,510 --> 00:36:23,510
Stop it!
654
00:36:43,950 --> 00:36:45,420
Come on, stop
touching me.
655
00:36:45,530 --> 00:36:46,580
What? Are you a fucking Catholic priest?
656
00:36:46,780 --> 00:36:47,880
Cut it out.
657
00:37:01,300 --> 00:37:02,390
What the hell
is that?
658
00:37:03,220 --> 00:37:04,470
This is also
in the box.
659
00:37:06,260 --> 00:37:07,260
Porn?
660
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:10,810
You should include
porn in the box,
661
00:37:10,890 --> 00:37:12,520
you'll sell
more dolls!
662
00:37:14,190 --> 00:37:15,560
Little something
for everybody.
663
00:37:20,980 --> 00:37:23,110
This is a book on how
to do ventriloquism.
664
00:37:29,580 --> 00:37:30,620
That's great.
665
00:37:32,830 --> 00:37:34,710
I bet that's a
real page-turner.
666
00:37:37,670 --> 00:37:39,890
"What else
is in the box, Jeff?"
667
00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:46,890
Well, in the back of the book are
three routines that I wrote.
668
00:37:47,140 --> 00:37:48,180
That's great.
669
00:37:50,140 --> 00:37:51,140
Why?
670
00:37:51,510 --> 00:37:53,190
Well, if somebody
purchases Little Jeff,
671
00:37:53,350 --> 00:37:55,320
they can learn ventriloquism
from the DVD,
672
00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:57,150
then memorize
one of these routines,
673
00:37:57,270 --> 00:37:59,900
and then pretty much instantly
be on stage performing.
674
00:38:00,900 --> 00:38:01,950
That's great.
675
00:38:04,030 --> 00:38:05,450
You know, Jeff,
676
00:38:05,530 --> 00:38:08,530
sometimes I lie awake
in bed at night,
677
00:38:08,910 --> 00:38:10,410
wondering to myself,
678
00:38:10,490 --> 00:38:13,210
what's truly wrong
with our country today.
679
00:38:15,120 --> 00:38:17,040
Not long ago, I think
I figured it out.
680
00:38:18,540 --> 00:38:20,460
There's not enough
ventriloquists.
681
00:38:32,720 --> 00:38:35,650
But now, with you selling
the Little Jeff dummies
682
00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:38,230
and the DVDs on
how to do ventriloquism,
683
00:38:38,940 --> 00:38:41,610
there's going to be
a lot more ventriloquists.
684
00:38:42,730 --> 00:38:46,080
You're helping
to heal our nation.
685
00:38:51,700 --> 00:38:53,080
Is this sarcasm?
686
00:38:54,290 --> 00:38:55,380
Yes.
687
00:38:57,250 --> 00:38:58,720
So what I would like
to do this evening
688
00:38:58,790 --> 00:39:00,710
is to perform one
of these three routines.
689
00:39:02,670 --> 00:39:05,010
Please, sir, may I
help you do that?
690
00:39:07,880 --> 00:39:10,230
Okay.
691
00:39:16,060 --> 00:39:17,810
The routine that I picked
to do this evening
692
00:39:17,890 --> 00:39:19,110
is one that I wrote
as a tribute
693
00:39:19,190 --> 00:39:20,980
to the comedy team,
Abbott and Costello.
694
00:39:21,100 --> 00:39:22,530
Huh?
Their most famous rout...
695
00:39:22,610 --> 00:39:24,320
There you go.
696
00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:28,660
Their most famous
routine was
697
00:39:28,740 --> 00:39:30,960
one I really enjoyed
listening to as a child,
698
00:39:31,110 --> 00:39:32,870
and this is pretty much
my nod to them.
699
00:39:32,990 --> 00:39:34,040
That's great.
700
00:39:35,620 --> 00:39:36,840
Why do you
have the book?
701
00:39:37,450 --> 00:39:38,920
So I can
read the routine.
702
00:39:39,250 --> 00:39:40,250
Okay-
703
00:39:41,580 --> 00:39:42,800
Didn't you write
this shit?
704
00:39:50,010 --> 00:39:51,130
Yes.
Okay!
705
00:39:53,550 --> 00:39:56,850
Just seems like these nice folks spent
a lot of money on their tickets.
706
00:39:56,970 --> 00:39:59,940
I mean, you could take a couple
of minutes and fucking memorize.
707
00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:06,900
So you're going to
read your lines?
708
00:40:06,980 --> 00:40:08,530
Yes, I'm going to
read my lines!
709
00:40:08,610 --> 00:40:09,660
Okay!
710
00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:15,450
And somehow having never seen
the book, H! just know mine!
711
00:40:23,790 --> 00:40:27,550
Yeah, let's all pretend the little
dummy's actually reading a book!
712
00:40:29,210 --> 00:40:32,220
Oh, did I fuck up
the illusion?
713
00:40:34,050 --> 00:40:36,020
Sorry, Mr.
Copperfield.
714
00:40:38,010 --> 00:40:39,360
Ta-da!
715
00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:41,480
Poof!
716
00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:46,560
Now what are you doing?
717
00:40:46,770 --> 00:40:49,320
Trying to get to the correct
page using just one hand.
718
00:40:50,900 --> 00:40:52,700
You can do it, Forrest.
719
00:40:58,660 --> 00:41:00,210
Run, Forrest, run!
720
00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:05,670
Hey, you better hurry before
your cat runs out of water.
721
00:41:15,090 --> 00:41:17,890
'Cause as we all know, there's
nothing worse than a dry...
722
00:41:17,970 --> 00:41:19,220
Cat.
723
00:41:30,270 --> 00:41:31,570
That was too close.
724
00:41:32,690 --> 00:41:33,820
That's what
she said.
725
00:41:36,860 --> 00:41:38,870
All right, so the first line
in here says, "How are you?"
726
00:41:38,950 --> 00:41:40,920
And in parentheses,
"Figure's name".
727
00:41:40,990 --> 00:41:42,340
What the hell's
a figure?
728
00:41:42,410 --> 00:41:44,710
A figure is the ventriloquist's
politically-correct term
729
00:41:44,790 --> 00:41:45,790
for the word "dummy".
730
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:47,760
So you're technically
a ventriloquist's figure.
731
00:41:48,130 --> 00:41:49,920
No.
732
00:41:50,840 --> 00:41:55,930
From now on, we would like to be
referred to as wooden Americans.
733
00:42:01,810 --> 00:42:04,940
We're going to need some
land and slot machines.
734
00:42:06,140 --> 00:42:09,190
PH become Chief Little Jeff
and you're named Dumb ass.
735
00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:13,030
Oh, we can use Hello Kitty
for smoke signals.
736
00:42:14,650 --> 00:42:17,450
Well, you've always said you wanted
a hot, smoking pussy... Cat.
737
00:42:19,570 --> 00:42:22,750
Cat, pussy cat, I said pussy cat!
Meow! Meow!
738
00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:26,130
Meow! Pussy cat!
Meow, meow!
739
00:42:34,630 --> 00:42:35,600
You ready?
I guess.
740
00:42:35,670 --> 00:42:36,670
All right,
here we go.
741
00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:38,230
How are you, Little Jeff?
Kind of sad.
742
00:42:38,300 --> 00:42:40,140
Why is that? Everyone
makes fun of my dog.
743
00:42:40,220 --> 00:42:41,890
What's wrong with your dog?
Nothing.
744
00:42:41,970 --> 00:42:43,060
Then why do people
make fun of him?
745
00:42:43,140 --> 00:42:44,440
He has kind of
a weird name.
746
00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:46,020
I see, did you come up
with the name yourself?
747
00:42:46,180 --> 00:42:48,730
Yeah, my mom lets me
name all my pets. Sure.
748
00:42:48,900 --> 00:42:50,520
What's your dog's name?
I Forgot.
749
00:42:50,810 --> 00:42:52,410
How could you forget?
Forget what?
750
00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:54,200
You said you forgot your dog's name.
No, I didn't.
751
00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:56,530
Yes, you did. No, I said
my dog's name is I Forgot.
752
00:42:56,780 --> 00:42:57,750
Right.
Right what?
753
00:42:57,820 --> 00:42:59,240
You said it again.
Said what again?
754
00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:00,490
That you forgot
your dog's name.
755
00:43:00,570 --> 00:43:01,700
No. What's wrong
with you?
756
00:43:01,780 --> 00:43:04,790
You just said, "My dog's
name is I Forgot." Exactly!
757
00:43:04,870 --> 00:43:06,500
Exactly what?
That's his name.
758
00:43:06,580 --> 00:43:07,710
Whose name?
The dog's!
759
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:09,080
That you forgot.
What?
760
00:43:09,670 --> 00:43:10,760
Do you have a dog?
Yes.
761
00:43:10,830 --> 00:43:12,340
What's his name?
I Forgot.
762
00:43:13,750 --> 00:43:16,220
How could you? I don't know
what you're talking about!
763
00:43:17,420 --> 00:43:19,180
You're nuts.
That's the cat.
764
00:43:30,690 --> 00:43:31,900
Who is?
You're Nuts.
765
00:43:31,980 --> 00:43:34,030
I am not. I didn't say you
were, but the cat is.
766
00:43:34,110 --> 00:43:35,320
The cat is what?
You're Nuts.
767
00:43:35,400 --> 00:43:37,120
Stop saying that.
That's her name!
768
00:43:37,190 --> 00:43:38,290
Do you have a dog?
Yes.
769
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:39,750
What's his name?
I Forgot.
770
00:43:39,900 --> 00:43:41,870
No one forgets their own dog's name.
I didn't.
771
00:43:41,950 --> 00:43:43,670
Then why don't you tell me his name?
I just did.
772
00:43:43,740 --> 00:43:44,960
But you forgot?
No, I Forgot.
773
00:43:45,030 --> 00:43:46,250
You're nuts.
The cat.
774
00:43:48,370 --> 00:43:49,420
Do you speak English?
775
00:43:49,660 --> 00:43:50,790
That's the hamster.
776
00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:55,300
Who is?
Do You Speak English.
777
00:43:55,380 --> 00:43:57,180
I just asked you that.
That's the hamster.
778
00:43:57,260 --> 00:43:58,260
Yes.
Yes, what?
779
00:43:58,380 --> 00:44:00,050
I was answering your question.
I didn't ask a question!
780
00:44:00,130 --> 00:44:01,130
Yes, you did.
No.
781
00:44:01,220 --> 00:44:02,470
You asked me if
I spoke English.
782
00:44:02,550 --> 00:44:04,230
No, I was telling you
the hamster's name.
783
00:44:04,300 --> 00:44:05,300
You're nuts.
Meow.
784
00:44:05,390 --> 00:44:06,440
Say goodnight.
I'm Little Jeff.
785
00:44:25,410 --> 00:44:26,410
So, folks...
786
00:44:26,530 --> 00:44:28,750
This next guy, we don't
know where he's from,
787
00:44:28,870 --> 00:44:30,120
we don't know
what he is,
788
00:44:30,250 --> 00:44:31,960
but he's purple,
he's wacky...
789
00:44:32,170 --> 00:44:34,290
Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
790
00:44:41,550 --> 00:44:42,520
How you doing,
Peanut?
791
00:44:42,590 --> 00:44:43,760
Doing pretty good, how about you?
I'm fine.
792
00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:45,970
That's good, that's
good, that's good!
793
00:44:48,470 --> 00:44:50,770
You like it here? I don't like it here.
I love it.
794
00:44:50,890 --> 00:44:52,770
I love it right here
in Hollywood.
795
00:44:52,850 --> 00:44:55,860
La-La Land, Tinseltown,
the City of Dreams,
796
00:44:55,940 --> 00:44:59,690
the City of Angels, West Hollywood.
It's all fabulous!
797
00:45:01,440 --> 00:45:02,790
It's show biz.
It's show biz.
798
00:45:02,860 --> 00:45:05,080
Let's do lunch,
call me, toodles.
799
00:45:05,740 --> 00:45:06,990
I'm glad you like it here. Hey!
800
00:45:07,120 --> 00:45:10,670
Why do the paparazzi need to get
a picture of Kim Kardashian?
801
00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:13,540
If you'd leave her alone,
she'd just do it all herself!
802
00:45:13,620 --> 00:45:16,000
Click, click,
click, click. Click, click, click.
803
00:45:16,080 --> 00:45:18,550
Oh, got to do my butt,
panorama. Ahhh...
804
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:26,020
Now there's a selfie that?!
take a while to download.
805
00:45:28,140 --> 00:45:29,480
And then there's
Kim and Kanye!
806
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:31,520
The big ass who married
the bigger ass.
807
00:45:31,600 --> 00:45:33,770
Yay!
808
00:45:35,940 --> 00:45:37,190
Mmm-hmm.
Stop it.
809
00:45:37,900 --> 00:45:39,650
Yeah, Kim got famous
from a sex tape.
810
00:45:39,730 --> 00:45:40,780
I was going to
do that myself,
811
00:45:40,860 --> 00:45:42,080
but realized
it was a bad idea.
812
00:45:42,150 --> 00:45:44,450
Why is that? 'Cause I realized
you'd have to be there too!
813
00:45:46,740 --> 00:45:48,370
Stop it!
814
00:45:48,990 --> 00:45:49,990
What is wrong
with you tonight?
815
00:45:50,080 --> 00:45:52,080
Nothing, I'm fine.
It's all great, great!
816
00:45:54,410 --> 00:45:57,510
Fine, I love it here, I love it.
Love it in Hollywood, it's great!
817
00:46:02,630 --> 00:46:04,470
You sure you're okay?
I'm fine! I'm fine!
818
00:46:05,010 --> 00:46:06,600
Great!
Okay!
819
00:46:08,220 --> 00:46:11,350
I did not go to Starbucks,
I did not! Not!
820
00:46:13,220 --> 00:46:15,270
Okay, yes I did,
I went to frigging Starbucks!
821
00:46:16,350 --> 00:46:18,860
I... Love it, love
coffee, it's great!
822
00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:21,520
You went there?
Yes!
823
00:46:21,690 --> 00:46:23,240
Maybe, no.
Yes, I think so!
824
00:46:28,610 --> 00:46:29,830
You're not supposed to
have any caffeine.
825
00:46:29,910 --> 00:46:32,460
I know, sorry, I did, I know. You're
right, you're right, but I did anyway.
826
00:46:35,450 --> 00:46:37,130
What did you have? Yes!?
827
00:46:38,540 --> 00:46:40,640
Sorry, I jumped ahead
to the next question!
828
00:46:41,500 --> 00:46:43,300
Are you okay? I'm fine, I'm
fine, I love this stuff!
829
00:46:43,380 --> 00:46:46,130
ls coffee legal? ls coffee legal, is it
legal, is this stuff legal, is it legal,
830
00:46:46,220 --> 00:46:47,810
I can't believe
this stuff's legal!
831
00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:50,890
You need help.
No, I need a latte.
832
00:46:52,970 --> 00:46:56,190
Question. Is it normal for your
heart to sound like a weed eater?
833
00:46:56,350 --> 00:46:58,190
No.
834
00:46:58,310 --> 00:46:59,440
Yes!
Right...
835
00:47:00,060 --> 00:47:01,660
Don't go to anymore
coffee places.
836
00:47:01,730 --> 00:47:02,730
You know what I heard
the other day?
837
00:47:02,820 --> 00:47:05,410
I heard that some folks get
something called a coffee enema.
838
00:47:05,570 --> 00:47:07,620
I don't know what that is, I
don't want to know what that is,
839
00:47:07,700 --> 00:47:09,990
and please don't let it ever
show up on the menu at...
840
00:47:10,070 --> 00:47:11,070
Starbucks.
841
00:47:12,410 --> 00:47:14,750
On the other hand, if you really
want to pull an awesome joke
842
00:47:14,830 --> 00:47:15,870
when you're
standing in line,
843
00:47:16,040 --> 00:47:18,510
secretly write it on
the chalkboard menu!
844
00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:21,170
Then you get
to the register,
845
00:47:21,250 --> 00:47:22,470
point to it
and say,
846
00:47:22,590 --> 00:47:24,510
last time
I had that one frozen.
847
00:47:26,550 --> 00:47:28,220
It gave my
butt the shivers!
848
00:47:31,010 --> 00:47:32,390
I'm going to open
my own coffee place.
849
00:47:32,470 --> 00:47:34,520
This could be a whole,
new line of beverages for me.
850
00:47:34,600 --> 00:47:36,320
"Cafe Booty."
851
00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:39,270
The ass-presso!
852
00:47:39,810 --> 00:47:41,860
The crap-uccino.
853
00:47:43,110 --> 00:47:45,610
The best part of waking up is
coffee in your butt.
854
00:47:50,700 --> 00:47:52,410
Mmm-hmm.
Stop it.
855
00:47:52,490 --> 00:47:53,490
How long have you
been like this?
856
00:47:53,620 --> 00:47:54,660
Yes!
857
00:47:55,870 --> 00:47:57,040
So you're addicted
to caffeine?
858
00:47:57,120 --> 00:47:58,960
Duh-duh-duh-duh!
859
00:47:59,790 --> 00:48:00,960
ls there any way
you can get off it?
860
00:48:01,080 --> 00:48:02,500
I tried a patch.
That didn't work.
861
00:48:02,630 --> 00:48:03,840
Why? I stuck it on my arm,?
862
00:48:03,920 --> 00:48:05,340
took it off my arm,
rolled it up, smoked it.
863
00:48:05,590 --> 00:48:06,590
Yay!
864
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:10,300
And then I tried some kind of
gum, but that didn't work. Gum?
865
00:48:10,380 --> 00:48:12,060
Because I it mixed up
with a condom,
866
00:48:12,180 --> 00:48:13,770
that's a big ass bubble
right there.
867
00:48:17,640 --> 00:48:18,610
Hey, you lost a shoe.
868
00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:19,730
No dude,
I found one.
869
00:48:21,140 --> 00:48:22,140
Oh!
870
00:48:34,780 --> 00:48:36,500
What the fuck
happened?
871
00:48:41,160 --> 00:48:42,380
It's not funny!
872
00:48:43,960 --> 00:48:45,340
I hate you!
873
00:48:53,840 --> 00:48:56,470
I guess I know what we're
not gonna see on TV.
874
00:48:59,060 --> 00:49:00,350
I'm a professional.
875
00:49:02,350 --> 00:49:04,480
Sorry, he just kind of
got away from me there.
876
00:49:07,020 --> 00:49:08,650
Sorry, Peanut.
877
00:49:10,030 --> 00:49:11,700
Stand up.
878
00:49:12,780 --> 00:49:14,000
Come on, stand up-
879
00:49:14,070 --> 00:49:15,950
You're fine.
880
00:49:16,030 --> 00:49:17,120
What?
881
00:49:19,370 --> 00:49:21,170
Close your mouth.
882
00:49:22,870 --> 00:49:23,870
Close your mouth!
883
00:49:28,040 --> 00:49:29,890
Apparently, they can
understand you and I can't.
884
00:49:30,750 --> 00:49:32,550
Yeah.
Asshole.
885
00:49:39,640 --> 00:49:41,890
Can you close your mouth? Huh?
886
00:49:41,970 --> 00:49:44,230
What? What?
887
00:49:48,150 --> 00:49:49,690
Help me.
What?
888
00:49:49,860 --> 00:49:52,660
Help me close my
freaking mouth.
889
00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:55,700
Asshole.
890
00:50:03,580 --> 00:50:04,670
Your hand.
891
00:50:04,750 --> 00:50:05,750
What?
Your hand!
892
00:50:07,210 --> 00:50:08,300
Yeah!
893
00:50:13,340 --> 00:50:14,430
Oh, you want me to
close your mouth?
894
00:50:14,510 --> 00:50:15,600
Yeah.
Close my mouth.
895
00:50:15,670 --> 00:50:16,770
Okay.
Asshole.
896
00:50:30,520 --> 00:50:31,620
What the hell
is that?
897
00:50:33,190 --> 00:50:34,410
What?
Your hand.
898
00:50:34,490 --> 00:50:35,610
It smells like shit.
899
00:50:38,450 --> 00:50:40,750
What? Your hand
smells like shit.
900
00:50:44,120 --> 00:50:45,120
Yeah.
901
00:50:45,620 --> 00:50:46,620
Smell it.
902
00:50:46,960 --> 00:50:48,080
What?
Smell it!
903
00:50:49,580 --> 00:50:50,930
Smell your hand!
904
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:52,880
Asshole.
905
00:51:00,430 --> 00:51:01,470
See?
906
00:51:02,640 --> 00:51:03,940
It smells like shit.
907
00:51:04,970 --> 00:51:06,070
What did you do?
908
00:51:09,560 --> 00:51:10,810
Look, I'm just gonna...
909
00:51:10,980 --> 00:51:12,070
Oh, stop it.
910
00:51:14,150 --> 00:51:17,200
Ugh! You got shit
on your face!
911
00:51:20,360 --> 00:51:22,120
You be shit-faced.
912
00:51:23,660 --> 00:51:24,660
Asshole.
913
00:51:25,790 --> 00:51:27,210
Look, I'm just gonna...
No, no, no.
914
00:51:28,160 --> 00:51:29,160
Oh, you got it fixed.
915
00:51:29,250 --> 00:51:32,130
Oh, fine, now don't ever
let that happen again!
916
00:51:33,040 --> 00:51:34,170
I'll kick your ass.
917
00:51:35,500 --> 00:51:36,800
I can find another guy.
918
00:51:43,220 --> 00:51:45,520
Yeah, you'll be talking
to your freaking sock!
919
00:51:48,180 --> 00:51:50,810
You know, you're like the
Donald Trump of ventriloquism.
920
00:51:53,060 --> 00:51:54,060
What does that mean?
921
00:51:54,150 --> 00:51:56,530
You have no idea what you're doing,
but you're really good at it.
922
00:52:06,910 --> 00:52:09,210
You know, Trump could
learn something from you.
923
00:52:09,290 --> 00:52:11,920
How's that? He's always saying
things that?! get him into trouble.
924
00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:13,420
Yeah. He should just
put me on his knee
925
00:52:13,500 --> 00:52:14,630
and I'll say
the stuff for him.
926
00:52:16,250 --> 00:52:18,550
I mean, Biden does that
with Obama all the time.
927
00:52:26,720 --> 00:52:30,980
But I guess that's better than being
the Hillary Clinton of ventriloquism.
928
00:52:32,390 --> 00:52:33,400
And what is that?
929
00:52:33,480 --> 00:52:35,280
I don't know, I had
the joke in my e-mail,
930
00:52:35,360 --> 00:52:36,860
but somehow
it got deleted.
931
00:52:45,160 --> 00:52:48,080
Or you could be the Bush
of ventriloquism.
932
00:52:48,540 --> 00:52:50,250
The Bush of ventriloquism?
933
00:52:50,330 --> 00:52:52,000
By the time you get
to the third dummy,
934
00:52:52,080 --> 00:52:54,630
everyone knows it's going
to be the same old crap.
935
00:53:00,340 --> 00:53:01,680
I don't know why you make
fun of people like that.
936
00:53:01,760 --> 00:53:02,850
I'm not making
fun of anybody.
937
00:53:02,930 --> 00:53:03,930
I think that's
what that was.
938
00:53:04,010 --> 00:53:05,390
You know, I used to
make fun of my grandpa.
939
00:53:05,590 --> 00:53:06,690
Why'd you make fun
of your grandpa?
940
00:53:06,760 --> 00:53:07,980
'Cause he had
a hearing aid.
941
00:53:08,600 --> 00:53:09,600
You can't make
fun of that.
942
00:53:09,680 --> 00:53:11,730
I didn't make fun of him,
I made fun with him.
943
00:53:11,980 --> 00:53:13,940
What do you mean? Grandpa owned
those really old hearing aids,
944
00:53:14,060 --> 00:53:15,230
the kind you had
to adjust.
945
00:53:15,310 --> 00:53:17,030
I used to run up to Grandpa
and I'd go, "Hey, Grandpa.
946
00:53:17,110 --> 00:53:18,650
"Listen, I was wondering,
do you think that we could..."
947
00:53:26,620 --> 00:53:28,960
Grandpa'd be like, "What the hell's
wrong with this damn thing?"
948
00:53:30,660 --> 00:53:31,660
Peanut, that's
really mean!
949
00:53:31,750 --> 00:53:33,210
Yeah, but that
was funny as hell.
950
00:53:33,710 --> 00:53:35,630
In fact, it was so funny,
Grandma started doing it.
951
00:53:38,290 --> 00:53:39,840
They had a really
old dog too,
952
00:53:39,920 --> 00:53:42,390
they eventually had to put stickers
across their sliding glass door,
953
00:53:42,460 --> 00:53:44,760
otherwise that dog would try and
run right through the glass door.
954
00:53:45,050 --> 00:53:46,720
I used to stand inside
with a tennis ball,
955
00:53:46,800 --> 00:53:48,650
and then pretend
to throw it outside.
956
00:53:49,260 --> 00:53:51,230
That dog would be like...
(MIMICS DOG WHINING)
957
00:53:52,980 --> 00:53:55,400
Sometimes Grandpa and that dog
would try and take walks together.
958
00:53:55,480 --> 00:53:58,200
They'd both try and walk through
the glass door at the same time.
959
00:53:58,270 --> 00:54:01,240
Grandma would be like, "I just got through
cleaning that thing. What the heck..."
960
00:54:09,910 --> 00:54:10,910
What?
961
00:54:11,160 --> 00:54:12,880
Peanut, what if your grandpa
was here this evening?
962
00:54:12,950 --> 00:54:14,550
Wouldn't you feel kind of bad?
I guess.
963
00:54:14,620 --> 00:54:15,920
What would you say
to your grandpa?
964
00:54:16,330 --> 00:54:17,380
I'm sorry, Grandpa.
965
00:54:17,460 --> 00:54:19,710
I didn't mean to upset...\
966
00:54:22,880 --> 00:54:24,380
Am I going to hell?
Probably.
967
00:54:24,670 --> 00:54:26,850
Well, we're in Hollywood.
Here we are.
968
00:54:28,010 --> 00:54:29,010
Say goodnight, Peanut.
969
00:54:29,140 --> 00:54:30,140
Thanks,
everybody!
970
00:54:34,640 --> 00:54:35,980
Thanks, you GUYS!
971
00:54:43,150 --> 00:54:44,740
All right, so we
have one guy left.
972
00:54:44,940 --> 00:54:46,200
And it amazes me
973
00:54:46,280 --> 00:54:48,750
that I get to give this
introduction, but it's the truth.
974
00:54:48,860 --> 00:54:51,370
And it's all because of great
folks like you, and here it is.
975
00:54:52,030 --> 00:54:55,830
Please help me welcome, the most beloved
terrorist throughout the world...
976
00:54:55,910 --> 00:54:58,540
Achmed, the dead terrorist.
977
00:55:19,060 --> 00:55:20,900
Thank you.
978
00:55:21,900 --> 00:55:26,400
Greetings, American
infidels!
979
00:55:30,570 --> 00:55:32,750
All right, Achmed, for the folks
who might not know you...
980
00:55:32,830 --> 00:55:37,000
Hey, hey, hey.
Everyone knows me!
981
00:55:42,840 --> 00:55:43,930
I don't know
about everyone.
982
00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:46,720
Well, if they don't, then that means
they've been living in a cave
983
00:55:46,800 --> 00:55:49,430
and have crappy Internet service.
(LAUGHS)
984
00:55:50,470 --> 00:55:53,970
Achmed... Who do you think the
most famous dead terrorist is?
985
00:55:54,260 --> 00:55:56,690
It's probably Osama Bin Laden.
He doesn't count!
986
00:55:58,100 --> 00:55:59,150
Why not?
He's dead.
987
00:55:59,230 --> 00:56:00,270
You're dead.
He's dead-dead.
988
00:56:01,980 --> 00:56:03,980
What's the difference?
He's not on Facebook.
989
00:56:07,360 --> 00:56:08,780
Okay, but your
name is Achmed.
990
00:56:08,900 --> 00:56:10,830
Yes. Achmed,
the dead terrorist.
991
00:56:10,900 --> 00:56:13,330
Do you know me,
infidels?
992
00:56:19,710 --> 00:56:21,420
You see,
I rock.
993
00:56:21,500 --> 00:56:23,720
All right.
To be honest, Achmed,
994
00:56:23,790 --> 00:56:25,510
I don't understand
why people like you.
995
00:56:25,590 --> 00:56:27,210
Oh. That's easy.
Why?
996
00:56:27,300 --> 00:56:32,140
If folks had to pick between Justin Bieber,
Kim Kardashian and a dead terrorist,
997
00:56:32,470 --> 00:56:35,060
I win that contest
fucking hands-down.
998
00:56:37,010 --> 00:56:39,020
Thank you.
I kill you.
999
00:56:39,100 --> 00:56:40,650
Thank you.
I kill you.
1000
00:56:41,020 --> 00:56:42,360
Thank you. I kill you.
1001
00:56:43,600 --> 00:56:44,860
All right.
So as a terrorist...
1002
00:56:44,940 --> 00:56:46,060
Excuse me?
1003
00:56:46,150 --> 00:56:47,120
I said,
"As a terrorist..."
1004
00:56:47,190 --> 00:56:51,070
You think just because I look like this,
this automatically makes me a terrorist?
1005
00:56:51,490 --> 00:56:53,530
You just said you were a terrorist!
No, I didn't.
1006
00:56:53,610 --> 00:56:54,620
Are you crazy?
1007
00:56:54,740 --> 00:56:55,830
Yeah, little bit, Why?
1008
00:56:57,490 --> 00:56:58,740
Achmed.
That's another thing!
1009
00:56:58,830 --> 00:57:00,920
You always say
my name incorrectly.
1010
00:57:01,000 --> 00:57:03,470
It's not Achmed.
It's Argh-med!
1011
00:57:04,880 --> 00:57:05,970
It's so frustrating.
1012
00:57:06,040 --> 00:57:09,920
The only folks who get my name right
are Jewish guys and heavy smokers.
1013
00:57:11,880 --> 00:57:14,010
But the best is
a Jewish heavy smoker.
1014
00:57:15,390 --> 00:57:17,760
"Argh-med."
1015
00:57:19,260 --> 00:57:21,560
So is there an English
equivalent for the name Achmed?
1016
00:57:21,640 --> 00:57:22,610
Yes.
1017
00:57:22,680 --> 00:57:24,110
What's that?
Larry.
1018
00:57:25,150 --> 00:57:26,240
It's not funny!
1019
00:57:27,190 --> 00:57:29,360
Silence!
I kill you!
1020
00:57:35,200 --> 00:57:36,700
I love this stuff, yeah.
1021
00:57:37,200 --> 00:57:39,370
I got made fun of a lot
in school for that name.
1022
00:57:39,450 --> 00:57:41,250
What school?
Suicide-bomber school.
1023
00:57:42,660 --> 00:57:45,510
Really? And ironically,
we were in district C-4.
1024
00:57:48,540 --> 00:57:50,050
So how many teachers
did you have?
1025
00:57:50,250 --> 00:57:51,550
Technically,
just one.
1026
00:57:51,710 --> 00:57:54,390
But we went through
a lot of substitutes.
1027
00:57:55,720 --> 00:57:57,140
And what were
the substitutes like?
1028
00:57:57,390 --> 00:57:58,390
A little nervous.
1029
00:57:59,810 --> 00:58:00,900
And always young.
1030
00:58:01,060 --> 00:58:03,860
Yeah, that's another thing. Why
are suicide bombers always young?
1031
00:58:04,140 --> 00:58:07,240
What, you want us to use old guys
that are already almost dead?
1032
00:58:13,610 --> 00:58:15,200
Son of a female goat!
1033
00:58:17,070 --> 00:58:18,370
I never thought of that.
1034
00:58:19,160 --> 00:58:21,330
Hurry this crap up, I have
to go make a phone call.
1035
00:58:22,790 --> 00:58:24,410
So, Achmed, why do you
wear a turbine?
1036
00:58:24,790 --> 00:58:25,790
Turban, sorry.
1037
00:58:33,130 --> 00:58:35,470
Yes, Jeff.
A tur-bine!
1038
00:58:36,590 --> 00:58:39,220
Wow, the SAT was a
bitch, wasn't it?
1039
00:58:44,220 --> 00:58:47,020
I wear a turbine because it's
more powerful than a jet-pack.
1040
00:58:49,440 --> 00:58:53,320
Hey, do you know what Donald
Trump and I have in common?
1041
00:58:53,400 --> 00:58:54,450
What's that?
1042
00:58:54,530 --> 00:58:57,950
We never let anyone see
the real tops of our heads.
1043
00:59:00,620 --> 00:59:03,960
What is that thing on his head?
I don't know.
1044
00:59:04,120 --> 00:59:06,340
If you ever meet him,
you should make it talk!
1045
00:59:09,290 --> 00:59:11,640
Wait, wait.
With a Mexican accent.
1046
00:59:19,890 --> 00:59:20,890
Ha!
1047
00:59:22,140 --> 00:59:23,390
So what do you think
of Donald Trump?
1048
00:59:23,470 --> 00:59:24,690
I actually
love the guy.
1049
00:59:24,810 --> 00:59:27,980
But you think I'm crazy?
That guy's bonkers.
1050
00:59:28,890 --> 00:59:32,110
Even the ISIS guys are like,
"What the hell, dude? Calm down.
1051
00:59:34,480 --> 00:59:37,160
"We'll build your wall just to
keep you away from us!"
1052
00:59:39,240 --> 00:59:40,960
So I understand, you flew in today?
Yes.
1053
00:59:41,030 --> 00:59:42,580
On a commercial airline.
Yes.
1054
00:59:42,700 --> 00:59:43,920
No problems?
Like what?
1055
00:59:43,990 --> 00:59:46,920
You know. With the TSA,
the X-ray machine.
1056
00:59:47,000 --> 00:59:49,790
You idiot! For you it's an
X-ray, for me it's a selfie.
1057
00:59:53,340 --> 00:59:54,590
So are you enjoying
your time here?
1058
00:59:54,670 --> 00:59:55,920
Oh, very much.
1059
00:59:56,000 --> 00:59:58,010
I get recognized a lot
in Hollywood.
1060
00:59:58,170 --> 01:00:01,220
I was out in front of the theater
today, signing autographs.
1061
01:00:01,430 --> 01:00:03,020
They thought I was
an Olsen twin.
1062
01:00:06,680 --> 01:00:11,280
Oh, screw you, that's
a funny joke. Ha!
1063
01:00:11,980 --> 01:00:15,900
That reminds me, did you know I have
been adding to my career skills lately?
1064
01:00:16,480 --> 01:00:19,360
Doing what? I am now not
just a dead terrorist...
1065
01:00:19,530 --> 01:00:21,250
I am a dead
cyber-terrorist.
1066
01:00:22,820 --> 01:00:23,790
A cyber-terrorist?
1067
01:00:23,870 --> 01:00:25,410
Don't forget to
like me on Facebook.
1068
01:00:27,580 --> 01:00:29,300
You know, Achmed, maybe for
a different line of work,
1069
01:00:29,370 --> 01:00:31,000
you could do something
that would help people.
1070
01:00:31,080 --> 01:00:34,010
Like what? I could answer a
suicide hotline. (LAUGHS)
1071
01:00:35,000 --> 01:00:37,170
I'd be like, "No, no, you're
fine, go ahead. You're good."
1072
01:00:44,510 --> 01:00:46,390
That's horrible. They're laughing.
Not my fault.
1073
01:00:48,720 --> 01:00:50,190
So if you're going to
be a cyber-terrorist,
1074
01:00:50,270 --> 01:00:52,440
do you have a new catch
phrase besides "I kill you"?
1075
01:00:52,520 --> 01:00:54,110
Oh, yes,
this is a good one.
1076
01:00:54,190 --> 01:00:56,060
It's going to scare the crap out of you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
1077
01:00:56,650 --> 01:00:57,950
I click you!
1078
01:01:00,190 --> 01:01:01,320
Why are they laughing?
1079
01:01:01,400 --> 01:01:03,280
Because "cyber-terrorist"
makes you sound like a nerd.
1080
01:01:03,410 --> 01:01:06,880
Being a cyber-terrorist
is not easy. It takes balls.
1081
01:01:07,330 --> 01:01:09,540
Not real ones! What are you
looking at, you pervert?
1082
01:01:11,500 --> 01:01:12,540
What the hell?
1083
01:01:13,540 --> 01:01:14,540
Yes, they're gone.
1084
01:01:16,040 --> 01:01:17,670
I lost them
in the explosion.
1085
01:01:18,590 --> 01:01:19,590
Bye-bye balls.
1086
01:01:21,090 --> 01:01:22,180
But I found them again.
1087
01:01:24,090 --> 01:01:25,090
Yeah.
1088
01:01:25,180 --> 01:01:26,430
Balls don't bounce.
1089
01:01:29,260 --> 01:01:30,270
There they are.
1090
01:01:36,100 --> 01:01:37,360
And you kept them?
1091
01:01:37,440 --> 01:01:39,570
Dude, you don't just throw
away your own nuts.
1092
01:01:41,030 --> 01:01:42,120
How the hell
would that work?
1093
01:01:42,190 --> 01:01:44,950
Hello, Salvation Army,
have I got something for you!
1094
01:01:47,450 --> 01:01:48,500
What would you
do with them?
1095
01:01:48,580 --> 01:01:51,080
Oh, I didn't make a key chain
or something like that.
1096
01:01:52,870 --> 01:01:55,290
Or hide it under my pillow
and wait for the ball fairy.
1097
01:01:57,790 --> 01:01:59,140
Wait, is there
such a thing?
1098
01:02:00,550 --> 01:02:02,300
How much could I get
from the ball fairy?
1099
01:02:03,130 --> 01:02:04,130
It's a matching set.
1100
01:02:06,470 --> 01:02:08,310
In the original wrapper.
1101
01:02:08,390 --> 01:02:09,680
Achmed.
1102
01:02:11,010 --> 01:02:13,020
Oh, okay, don't ask me
how I carry them.
1103
01:02:14,430 --> 01:02:15,480
I have a ball boy.
1104
01:02:15,560 --> 01:02:16,560
All right.
1105
01:02:18,980 --> 01:02:20,400
You don't have them with you?
No, no.
1106
01:02:20,480 --> 01:02:22,280
No, they're at home in my junk drawer.
1107
01:02:26,400 --> 01:02:28,950
So, Achmed, what does a
cyber-terrorist actually do?
1108
01:02:29,030 --> 01:02:31,910
As I said before,
no more killing.
1109
01:02:31,990 --> 01:02:33,250
You never have
killed anyone.
1110
01:02:33,330 --> 01:02:35,210
Silence!
I delete you!
1111
01:02:37,500 --> 01:02:39,340
Ah, is that
a new phrase?
1112
01:02:40,130 --> 01:02:41,720
Wait a minute, how do
you delete someone?
1113
01:02:41,800 --> 01:02:43,090
It's not as easy
as you think.
1114
01:02:43,170 --> 01:02:45,140
You first have to
highlight, then backspace.
1115
01:02:47,180 --> 01:02:49,600
But explain what a
cyber-terrorist actually does.
1116
01:02:49,680 --> 01:02:51,680
I terrorize
by computer.
1117
01:02:51,930 --> 01:02:55,940
Okay, but what do you think the best weapon
you have is to make computers not work?
1118
01:02:56,020 --> 01:02:57,440
Windows Vista.
1119
01:03:04,530 --> 01:03:06,030
Do you send spam?
1120
01:03:06,110 --> 01:03:07,830
You idiot.
No pork.
1121
01:03:07,900 --> 01:03:09,030
Oh.
1122
01:03:10,490 --> 01:03:12,960
That was for all my Jewish
friends out there, yay!
1123
01:03:15,250 --> 01:03:16,920
Have you spread
any viruses?
1124
01:03:17,000 --> 01:03:20,300
Well, before the explosion, I had
a little itch, but it went away.
1125
01:03:26,970 --> 01:03:29,260
If you're a cyber-terrorist,
who's your biggest enemy now?
1126
01:03:29,380 --> 01:03:30,810
The CIA,
the FBI?
1127
01:03:30,890 --> 01:03:31,930
Siri.
1128
01:03:34,390 --> 01:03:37,560
I asked her to search the web
for booby-traps and she said,
1129
01:03:37,730 --> 01:03:39,690
"I found a number
of Hooters near you."
1130
01:03:43,360 --> 01:03:44,480
Siri did that?
Yes.
1131
01:03:44,570 --> 01:03:46,790
And then I asked her how
to get into the White House,
1132
01:03:46,860 --> 01:03:50,240
and she said, "Lower taxes and do
something about illegal immigration."
1133
01:03:51,740 --> 01:03:52,910
Thanks, bitch.
1134
01:03:54,490 --> 01:03:57,090
Have you attempted any real
cyber-terrorism yet? Yes.
1135
01:03:57,200 --> 01:04:00,050
What'd you do? I hacked
the ObamaCare website.
1136
01:04:01,710 --> 01:04:04,010
What happened? I
accidentally made it better.
1137
01:04:07,210 --> 01:04:11,180
I'm kidding, I love Barack.
He and I grew up together.
1138
01:04:16,510 --> 01:04:19,770
In Hawaii.
In Hawaii.
1139
01:04:25,400 --> 01:04:27,120
I'm sorry,
I thought they knew.
1140
01:04:28,440 --> 01:04:30,450
Should I show them my
birth certificate? No.?
1141
01:04:32,160 --> 01:04:35,460
Look, Achmed, no matter what, you'll
always, to me, be a suicide bomber.
1142
01:04:35,620 --> 01:04:38,960
No, I was a suicide bomber.
That's a one-time deal.
1143
01:04:40,410 --> 01:04:42,710
Well, what was a typical day
like for a suicide bomber?
1144
01:04:42,790 --> 01:04:44,790
You idiot,
it was only one day.
1145
01:04:47,000 --> 01:04:48,130
And it wasn't
even a full day.
1146
01:04:50,050 --> 01:04:51,390
You could try for
two in a row,
1147
01:04:51,470 --> 01:04:53,010
but you'd end up
like the Seahawks.
1148
01:05:01,100 --> 01:05:02,400
But do not worry,
1149
01:05:02,480 --> 01:05:06,230
I will never blow up anything if I don't
have my lucky charm, which I lost.
1150
01:05:06,310 --> 01:05:07,320
You had a lucky charm.
1151
01:05:07,440 --> 01:05:08,660
Yeah.
What was it?
1152
01:05:08,730 --> 01:05:09,990
I had a little
camel's toe.
1153
01:05:15,620 --> 01:05:16,870
What the hell
are they laughing at?
1154
01:05:17,910 --> 01:05:19,750
What? I had a little
camel toe.
1155
01:05:21,080 --> 01:05:22,920
You used to look at
it all the time!
1156
01:05:24,790 --> 01:05:27,210
I'm not kidding, he would
rub it for good luck.
1157
01:05:32,340 --> 01:05:33,340
Seriously?
1158
01:05:34,130 --> 01:05:36,180
Can we sell
little fake ones online?
1159
01:05:37,800 --> 01:05:39,480
Achmed's lucky
camel toe.
1160
01:05:39,560 --> 01:05:41,780
Makes a great
stocking stuffer!
1161
01:05:59,700 --> 01:06:01,120
You think
anybody saw that?
1162
01:06:08,420 --> 01:06:09,590
Where is it?
It's on...
1163
01:06:10,840 --> 01:06:12,560
It's on the floor.
Get it, you idiot.
1164
01:06:14,590 --> 01:06:15,890
Get my freaking arm!
1165
01:06:19,430 --> 01:06:20,650
Go get my arm.
Okay.
1166
01:06:20,720 --> 01:06:21,720
Wait!
What?
1167
01:06:22,220 --> 01:06:23,650
Don't leave me here,
I'll fall down.
1168
01:06:25,850 --> 01:06:27,320
Go with me.
Okay.
1169
01:06:32,070 --> 01:06:33,070
Put it back!
Okay!
1170
01:06:33,150 --> 01:06:34,150
Put it back!
Okay!
1171
01:06:35,400 --> 01:06:36,530
Okay, sorry,
I don't know...
1172
01:06:36,610 --> 01:06:38,040
Cheap construction.
1173
01:06:39,240 --> 01:06:40,210
All right,
fine, there.
1174
01:06:42,240 --> 01:06:43,240
It's not funny!
1175
01:06:44,250 --> 01:06:45,790
I kill you
from here!
1176
01:06:50,080 --> 01:06:52,460
How would you do that?
Just throw me.
1177
01:06:54,380 --> 01:06:55,550
Why not?
You did Peanut.
1178
01:07:02,060 --> 01:07:04,230
Can you put it back? I think.
I don't know what's wrong.
1179
01:07:04,430 --> 01:07:06,560
Just put it...
You are so cute.
1180
01:07:09,560 --> 01:07:11,160
All right, I think
it's good. Is it okay?
1181
01:07:11,810 --> 01:07:13,660
Oops, sorry.
Don't touch my leg!
1182
01:07:14,320 --> 01:07:15,570
It's not funny!
1183
01:07:16,650 --> 01:07:18,330
Don't touch it,
I can do this myself.
1184
01:07:19,820 --> 01:07:20,870
No!
1185
01:07:24,540 --> 01:07:25,540
It's not funny!
1186
01:07:26,790 --> 01:07:27,790
Stop laughing-
1187
01:07:29,750 --> 01:07:30,840
Stop laughing at me!
1188
01:07:33,630 --> 01:07:34,720
This is not funny
at all.
1189
01:07:34,800 --> 01:07:36,760
This is all your fault.
I kill you again.
1190
01:07:38,130 --> 01:07:40,100
What? I can do...
Don't touch my leg!
1191
01:07:53,190 --> 01:07:54,240
I still got it.
1192
01:08:03,620 --> 01:08:05,240
Don't let me fall down!
What the hell?
1193
01:08:06,620 --> 01:08:07,750
You want me to fix?
Yes, fix my leg.
1194
01:08:07,830 --> 01:08:08,960
Okay-
1195
01:08:09,040 --> 01:08:10,510
Don't touch my
wee-wee.
1196
01:08:11,420 --> 01:08:13,290
You don't have one.
It's a phantom wee-wee.
1197
01:08:15,590 --> 01:08:16,590
His name is Robert.
1198
01:08:19,010 --> 01:08:20,730
Unless it's really cold,
then it's Bob.
1199
01:08:25,510 --> 01:08:26,770
And don't make it talk. I...
1200
01:08:29,180 --> 01:08:30,180
All right.
1201
01:08:32,600 --> 01:08:33,610
It's not
funny at all, okay?
1202
01:08:33,690 --> 01:08:35,160
I think we're good. All right.
1203
01:08:35,230 --> 01:08:36,230
So, now...
1204
01:08:47,240 --> 01:08:48,370
What the hell?
1205
01:08:49,700 --> 01:08:51,550
How can I be naked?
I feel naked!
1206
01:08:52,540 --> 01:08:54,880
Fix all this! I'm going
to bite you to death!
1207
01:08:55,590 --> 01:08:57,840
It's not funny,
not funny one bit.
1208
01:08:57,920 --> 01:08:59,220
I kill you.
1209
01:09:01,050 --> 01:09:02,720
This one won't stay.
Here.
1210
01:09:24,860 --> 01:09:26,040
Take it out,
I can feel that.
1211
01:09:28,790 --> 01:09:30,380
Want to call it quits?
I think so.
1212
01:09:30,450 --> 01:09:32,500
You guys have been
absolutely fantastic.
1213
01:09:32,580 --> 01:09:34,550
Thank you
and good night.
1214
01:09:37,920 --> 01:09:38,920
Thank you!
100390
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