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1
00:00:01,540 --> 00:00:06,420
♪♪
2
00:00:06,420 --> 00:00:08,580
Are you reading your own
John Stuart Mill book?
3
00:00:08,580 --> 00:00:10,120
I finally convinced
the university
4
00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:11,380
to let me teach a class
on Mill,
5
00:00:11,380 --> 00:00:13,500
so I'm brushing up
on my favorite anecdotes.
6
00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:16,290
Wrote a history of Rome
at age 6
7
00:00:16,290 --> 00:00:17,920
[chuckling] the scamp.
That's it.
8
00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:19,960
We're losing the swear jar
and getting a dork jar.
9
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,710
You owe a quarter
for "scamp."
10
00:00:21,710 --> 00:00:23,210
I'm getting a hot tub
next month.
11
00:00:23,210 --> 00:00:24,880
But it might not get
off the ground.
12
00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:26,750
Only a few students
have signed up so far.
13
00:00:26,750 --> 00:00:28,420
You want to fill up
the class?
14
00:00:28,420 --> 00:00:31,040
Just teach a subject kids
care about.
15
00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:33,170
Like water slides
or skateboard fails.
16
00:00:33,170 --> 00:00:34,670
Good tips. Helpful.
17
00:00:34,670 --> 00:00:36,290
Uh-huh.
18
00:00:36,290 --> 00:00:37,620
You're still reading
"Gone Girl"?
19
00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:39,120
Don't say it
like that.
20
00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:40,960
It's been years!
Ohh.
21
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:43,080
You checked that out
on my library card.
22
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,210
They're gonna revoke
my microfiche privileges!
23
00:00:45,210 --> 00:00:47,620
Another quarter.
And it's not my fault.
24
00:00:47,620 --> 00:00:50,460
Every time I pick it up,
a child interrupts me.
25
00:00:50,460 --> 00:00:51,750
♪♪
26
00:00:51,750 --> 00:00:53,080
Is my breath really that bad?
27
00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:54,330
[ Exhales deeply ]
28
00:00:54,330 --> 00:00:56,000
What's my Social Security
number?
29
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:57,580
A Nigerian prince needs it.
30
00:00:57,580 --> 00:00:59,830
Mom, is my nose bleeding?
31
00:00:59,830 --> 00:01:02,420
And then there's
the "I can't find my"s.
32
00:01:02,420 --> 00:01:03,750
Mom, I can't find my...
33
00:01:03,750 --> 00:01:04,710
-Backpack.
-Jacket.
34
00:01:04,710 --> 00:01:05,670
-Sneaker.
-Headphones.
35
00:01:05,670 --> 00:01:07,040
-Toothbrush.
-Other sneaker.
36
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,040
-Turtle.
-Sunglasses.
37
00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:09,000
-Lucky socks.
-Keys.
38
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:10,500
-Cufflinks.
-Lucky earrings.
39
00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:11,420
-Lipstick.
-Ascot.
40
00:01:11,420 --> 00:01:13,080
-Lucky hairband.
-Sunglasses.
41
00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:14,420
-Shoehorn.
-Lucky cough drop.
42
00:01:14,420 --> 00:01:15,290
-Charger.
-Charger.
43
00:01:15,290 --> 00:01:16,420
Lucky charger.
44
00:01:16,420 --> 00:01:18,540
I haven't had a moment
to myself
45
00:01:18,540 --> 00:01:20,500
since Taylor kicked out
my mucus plug.
46
00:01:20,500 --> 00:01:21,830
Lovely.
[ Footsteps approach ]
47
00:01:21,830 --> 00:01:23,420
One of you has
to take me driving.
48
00:01:23,420 --> 00:01:25,500
I need 40 hours
to get my license.
49
00:01:25,500 --> 00:01:27,210
I can't even complain
about being interrupted
50
00:01:27,210 --> 00:01:28,380
without being interrupted!
51
00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:29,960
There is nowhere
that I can go
52
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,040
to get away
from these people.
53
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,420
I decided what I wanted
for my big girl room.
54
00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:37,290
Direct your eyes
to my vision board.
55
00:01:37,290 --> 00:01:39,710
It's Jackie O's
5th Avenue Apartment.
56
00:01:39,710 --> 00:01:42,330
I loved her ever since I saw her
in the Zapruder Film.
57
00:01:42,330 --> 00:01:43,670
We don't have money
for new furniture,
58
00:01:43,670 --> 00:01:45,710
but you are free to use whatever
you find around the house.
59
00:01:45,710 --> 00:01:47,210
There's a bunch of old furniture
in the basement.
60
00:01:47,210 --> 00:01:48,500
If we don't have
any money,
61
00:01:48,500 --> 00:01:50,460
then why does Taylor
have that fancy new hoodie?
62
00:01:51,710 --> 00:01:53,580
[ Refrigerator door opens ]
63
00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:55,040
Didn't Trip buy that
for her?
64
00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:57,920
No. She bought it with the money
she took from your wallet.
65
00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,040
[ Refrigerator door closes ]
66
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:00,330
Taylor, is that true?
67
00:02:00,330 --> 00:02:02,040
You said I could take a $20,
so I did!
68
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,710
Three times.
69
00:02:03,710 --> 00:02:05,250
I'll pay you back!
With what?
70
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:07,170
With my future
famous-person money.
71
00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:08,080
Oh!
72
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:09,540
As long
as you have a plan.
73
00:02:09,540 --> 00:02:10,290
Thank you.
74
00:02:10,290 --> 00:02:11,540
You're grounded.
75
00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:13,710
Why couldn't you mind
your own stupid business?
76
00:02:13,710 --> 00:02:16,080
I'm 10!
My business is boring!
77
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,380
If Taylor gets a hoodie,
I want a driving instructor.
78
00:02:18,380 --> 00:02:19,960
Well, we all want things,
Oliver.
79
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,670
I want to finish this book
before cataracts
80
00:02:21,670 --> 00:02:23,000
make my eyes explode,
81
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,380
but I don't think
that's gonna happen.
82
00:02:24,380 --> 00:02:26,330
[ Book whooshes, thuds ]
83
00:02:26,330 --> 00:02:27,580
That's a library book!
84
00:02:27,580 --> 00:02:29,000
Another quarter.
85
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:36,830
♪♪
86
00:02:36,830 --> 00:02:39,120
Okay, Lonnie,
you were 19 years old
87
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:40,460
and the biggest thing
on the Internet.
88
00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:42,540
What did you do with
your first check from YouTube?
89
00:02:42,540 --> 00:02:45,330
I bought a small town in Wyoming
and renamed it "Fartsville."
90
00:02:45,330 --> 00:02:46,880
They just got
an Applebee's.
91
00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,670
[ Sighs ]
Hey, after work,
92
00:02:48,670 --> 00:02:50,670
can you come with me
to the aquarium?
93
00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,080
I need you to distract
the guards
94
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:53,170
while I jump
into the shark tank.
95
00:02:53,170 --> 00:02:54,330
Why on Earth
would you do that?
96
00:02:54,330 --> 00:02:55,620
Got to, bruh.
97
00:02:55,620 --> 00:02:57,500
There's this new guy chomping
at my likes on YouTube,
98
00:02:57,500 --> 00:02:58,750
Johnny Goodwin.
99
00:02:58,750 --> 00:03:00,120
So I have to do
something huge,
100
00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:02,540
or Johnny's gonna snake my spot
as most-watched YouTuber.
101
00:03:02,540 --> 00:03:04,170
Look at this.
Come here.
102
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:06,960
[ Water splashes ]
103
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,380
[ Man grunts ]
104
00:03:08,380 --> 00:03:09,750
Did he just throw
a live crocodile
105
00:03:09,750 --> 00:03:10,750
into that man's bath?
106
00:03:10,750 --> 00:03:12,210
That's his dad.
107
00:03:12,210 --> 00:03:14,170
Yeah.
He does tons of dad videos.
108
00:03:14,170 --> 00:03:15,920
It's spectacular content,
yo.
109
00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:17,330
His dad could have lost
any number
110
00:03:17,330 --> 00:03:18,960
of very important
body parts.
111
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,330
My pops is not a team player
like that,
112
00:03:21,330 --> 00:03:22,710
so I got to go in
with the sharks.
113
00:03:22,710 --> 00:03:24,000
I forbid it.
114
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,080
As long as you're spending time
under my roof,
115
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,500
you're not going
to do anything stupid.
116
00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:28,920
And before you retort,
let me be clear --
117
00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:30,500
it is not Opposite Day
118
00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:32,000
and will never be
Opposite Day.
119
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,080
Hold up.
120
00:03:35,210 --> 00:03:37,460
You could be my old dude.
No.
121
00:03:37,460 --> 00:03:38,920
People already know you
on my channel
122
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,080
as Professor Badonkadonk.
123
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,250
I'm not crazy about that.
124
00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:42,460
I'm not a Badonkadonk.
125
00:03:42,460 --> 00:03:44,040
I have
a normal-sized fanny.
126
00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:45,830
If I'm not getting the most
likes when our book comes out,
127
00:03:45,830 --> 00:03:47,290
that's bad for sales.
128
00:03:47,290 --> 00:03:48,710
Yeah, but --
Which is bad for your bonus.
129
00:03:48,710 --> 00:03:51,380
But --
Which means you spent
the last five months with me
130
00:03:51,380 --> 00:03:53,580
getting pelted with paintballs
for no reason.
131
00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:54,790
Yeah,
I still don't think --
132
00:03:54,790 --> 00:03:55,920
No reason!
[ Paintball gun fires ]
133
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,120
Ow!
No reason!
134
00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:58,670
Ow!
No reason!
135
00:03:58,670 --> 00:04:00,920
Ow!
Okay, I'll help you!
136
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,170
Yeah! The Donks is in!
137
00:04:03,170 --> 00:04:05,380
Come here, let me give
that ginormous ass a slap.
138
00:04:05,380 --> 00:04:06,500
It's not that big!
139
00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:09,170
♪♪
140
00:04:09,170 --> 00:04:11,580
Oliver wants driving lessons,
141
00:04:11,580 --> 00:04:13,880
and Anna-Kat and Taylor
are at each other's throats.
142
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,830
I don't have a second
for myself.
143
00:04:15,830 --> 00:04:18,120
Well, with the divorce and
splitting the kids with Richard,
144
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,170
all I have is time.
Me too.
145
00:04:20,170 --> 00:04:22,000
Yesterday, I played "Fortnite"
on my kids' Xbox.
146
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,830
Oh.
I had 18 kills,
147
00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:26,080
then I got shot by a 9-year-old
dressed like a banana.
148
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:27,960
Ohh.
Divorce is amazing.
149
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,250
The only downside is that,
if you fall in the shower,
150
00:04:30,250 --> 00:04:31,620
your kids are gonna find you
naked.
151
00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:32,920
I'm not divorcing Greg.
152
00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:35,290
Well, I can't help you
with Taylor and...
153
00:04:37,460 --> 00:04:39,460
Anna-Kat.
154
00:04:39,460 --> 00:04:40,620
Yeah, Anna-Kat.
155
00:04:40,620 --> 00:04:42,120
Uh, but I will take Oliver
driving.
156
00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:43,750
Thank you, and why?
157
00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:45,040
Yeah,
you can't stand him.
158
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,290
Uh, well,
he's fun to yell at.
159
00:04:47,290 --> 00:04:49,750
He doesn't cry, but his eyes
get all glisteny like I like.
160
00:04:49,750 --> 00:04:51,670
[ Both laugh ]
161
00:04:51,670 --> 00:04:56,210
♪♪
162
00:05:00,290 --> 00:05:01,920
[ Growls ]
Oh, dear!
163
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:04,120
[ Dramatic music plays ]
164
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,750
[ Laughs ]
165
00:05:05,750 --> 00:05:08,210
But, seriously, folks,
gorillas are endangered.
166
00:05:08,210 --> 00:05:10,210
Recycle, yo.
[ Clicks tongue ]
167
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,120
[ Music ends ]
168
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:16,620
[ Growls ]
Oh, dear!
169
00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:17,830
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Grunts ]
170
00:05:17,830 --> 00:05:20,250
[ Laughs ] Yes!
171
00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:22,170
Disclaimer --
no humans were harmed
172
00:05:22,170 --> 00:05:23,380
during the filming
of this video.
173
00:05:23,380 --> 00:05:25,250
[ Weakly ]
My tailbone.
174
00:05:25,250 --> 00:05:27,210
[ Music continues ]
175
00:05:27,210 --> 00:05:28,670
[ Sighs ]
176
00:05:28,670 --> 00:05:30,920
[ Growls ]
Oh [bleep] dear!
177
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:32,710
♪♪
178
00:05:32,710 --> 00:05:34,620
[ Music stops ]
179
00:05:34,620 --> 00:05:37,250
Oh, dear.
180
00:05:37,250 --> 00:05:39,710
You gots to be ready
for the second gorilla, Donks.
181
00:05:39,710 --> 00:05:42,580
You gots to!
182
00:05:42,580 --> 00:05:43,960
Forget
Johnny Goodwin's dad.
183
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,420
You are racking up
the likes!
184
00:05:45,420 --> 00:05:47,380
Yeah.
As long as we keep
doing videos like these,
185
00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:50,290
our book sales are going to be
as fat as that ass.
186
00:05:50,290 --> 00:05:52,670
It's normal-sized!
187
00:05:52,670 --> 00:05:54,330
By the way, you don't have
a pacemaker, do you?
188
00:05:54,330 --> 00:05:55,380
You're not tasing me.
189
00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:56,580
[ Sighs ]
190
00:05:56,580 --> 00:05:57,620
You know what?
191
00:05:57,620 --> 00:05:58,790
Kate's right --
192
00:05:58,790 --> 00:06:01,710
sometimes, you can be
exhausting, bruh.
193
00:06:01,710 --> 00:06:04,290
♪♪
194
00:06:04,290 --> 00:06:05,500
[ Gasps ]
195
00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:07,670
Where did you get that?
196
00:06:07,670 --> 00:06:09,250
I found it
in the basement.
197
00:06:09,250 --> 00:06:12,000
Your dad and I used to have this
in our first apartment,
198
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,210
before we had kids.
199
00:06:14,210 --> 00:06:15,920
Let me get in there.
200
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,710
[ Sighs ]
201
00:06:18,710 --> 00:06:21,830
I loved this chair.
202
00:06:21,830 --> 00:06:24,750
I used to take naps in it
and read books.
203
00:06:24,750 --> 00:06:26,620
Books? Really?
204
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:29,080
Huh. It's like learning you used
to be a figure skater.
205
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:30,420
I know it's hard
to believe,
206
00:06:30,420 --> 00:06:33,170
but before I had kids,
my brain used to work.
207
00:06:33,170 --> 00:06:34,500
Was there anything else
down there?
208
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:37,040
Oh, yeah. A bunch of other
weird old stuff,
209
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:38,790
lot of photos and baby junk
taking up
210
00:06:38,790 --> 00:06:40,830
perfectly good
fallout-shelter real estate.
211
00:06:40,830 --> 00:06:46,420
♪♪
212
00:06:46,420 --> 00:06:47,960
[ Sighs ]
213
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,710
There.
214
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:53,170
Now it looks exactly like
the old studio apartment
215
00:06:53,170 --> 00:06:54,500
Dad and I lived in.
216
00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:56,710
None of this was
on my vision board.
217
00:06:56,710 --> 00:06:59,750
And I don't believe Jackie O
had a hot-dog toaster.
218
00:06:59,750 --> 00:07:02,250
When is Doris
gonna take me driving?
219
00:07:02,250 --> 00:07:03,960
Mom,
there's a party tonight.
220
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,330
Can't you be cool and ground me
some other time?
221
00:07:06,330 --> 00:07:09,620
Hey. You wanna hear the most
beautiful sound in the world?
222
00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:11,290
Yeah.
223
00:07:11,290 --> 00:07:13,670
Mom!
Hey!
Seriously?!
224
00:07:13,670 --> 00:07:14,920
Mom, it's my room!
When is Doris
gonna take me driving?!
225
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,620
Why can't I go
to the party?!
[ Indistinct shouting ]
226
00:07:16,620 --> 00:07:20,920
♪ Somebody once told me
the world is gonna roll me ♪
227
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,120
♪ I ain't the sharpest tool
in the shed ♪
228
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,290
[ Shouting continues ]
229
00:07:25,290 --> 00:07:27,210
[ Music volume increases,
shouting fades ]
♪ She was looking kind of dumb ♪
230
00:07:27,210 --> 00:07:29,540
♪ With her finger
and her thumb ♪
231
00:07:29,540 --> 00:07:34,540
♪ In the shape of an "L"
on her forehead ♪
232
00:07:34,540 --> 00:07:36,120
♪ Hey, now,
you're an all-star ♪
233
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,500
[ Knock on door ]
234
00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:44,290
If you have a complaint, demand,
a question
235
00:07:44,290 --> 00:07:46,380
about anything other
than last night's episode
236
00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:48,170
of "The Bachelor,"
I'm not here!
237
00:07:49,250 --> 00:07:51,540
What's going on in --
238
00:07:51,540 --> 00:07:52,750
This looks like
our old apartment.
239
00:07:52,750 --> 00:07:54,290
Isn't it amazing?
240
00:07:54,290 --> 00:07:55,330
It is.
241
00:07:55,330 --> 00:07:57,580
Plus...
242
00:07:57,580 --> 00:08:00,120
I saw Lonnie Googling,
"How poisonous are scorpions?"
243
00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,040
So it's nice to be
in a safe place right now.
244
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:05,460
Oh, my God,
the tiki bar.
245
00:08:05,460 --> 00:08:07,250
The easy charm
of French Polynesia
246
00:08:07,250 --> 00:08:10,120
with none of
the painful colonialist scars.
247
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:12,830
The lamp I used to hit
my head on.
248
00:08:12,830 --> 00:08:15,330
The chair we accidentally made
Taylor in.
249
00:08:15,330 --> 00:08:16,790
The old VCR!
250
00:08:16,790 --> 00:08:19,880
It still has "How to Make an
American Quilt" jammed inside.
251
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,540
I think, of all the group
sewing movies,
252
00:08:21,540 --> 00:08:23,080
that one is my favorite.
Mm.
253
00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:24,120
So, what does Anna-Kat think
of her new room?
254
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:25,920
Bup-bup-bup-bup! Hup!
255
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:29,330
We don't have kids yet, Greg.
It's 1999.
256
00:08:29,330 --> 00:08:32,580
My only obligation
is to finally finish this book.
257
00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:35,830
[ Gasps ]
My devil sticks!
258
00:08:35,830 --> 00:08:37,330
I used to rock these.
259
00:08:37,330 --> 00:08:38,500
Hup!
260
00:08:42,210 --> 00:08:43,880
I'm not going through this
again.
261
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:48,250
♪♪
262
00:08:48,250 --> 00:08:50,880
Wow, you're giving me
driving lessons in a Bentley?
263
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,880
Mm-hmm.
264
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:55,330
Hey!
Stop groping my car, perv!
265
00:08:55,330 --> 00:08:56,830
Get in.
[ Car door closes ]
266
00:08:56,830 --> 00:08:57,960
[ Sighs ]
267
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:59,380
[ Seat belt clicks ]
268
00:08:59,380 --> 00:09:00,710
You're not sitting up here
with me?
269
00:09:00,710 --> 00:09:02,040
No.
270
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,290
You know I don't like
being around you.
271
00:09:04,290 --> 00:09:05,710
Then why did you offer
to drive with me?
272
00:09:05,710 --> 00:09:07,380
I'm getting
dental work done.
273
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,250
They're putting me under
and say I need someone I know
274
00:09:09,250 --> 00:09:10,880
to drive me home.
Why me?
275
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,880
Because the procedure
takes three hours,
276
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,540
and I didn't want
to make anyone wait.
277
00:09:14,540 --> 00:09:16,080
Your time
is worth nothing.
278
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,170
Drive!
279
00:09:17,170 --> 00:09:24,080
♪♪
280
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:25,170
Where am I going?
281
00:09:25,170 --> 00:09:26,750
Just get on the Parkway.
282
00:09:26,750 --> 00:09:28,670
Oh, no, I only know how
to drive on regular streets.
283
00:09:28,670 --> 00:09:29,670
Take the Parkway.
284
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:30,540
I'm not ready.
285
00:09:30,540 --> 00:09:32,000
The Parkway!
286
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,420
You're right.
Studies show that screaming
287
00:09:33,420 --> 00:09:35,500
improves both confidence
and cognition.
288
00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:37,420
Stop overthinking it
and just go!
289
00:09:37,420 --> 00:09:39,330
You're a bully,
and I won't be bullied.
290
00:09:39,330 --> 00:09:40,670
I help kids deal
with people like you
291
00:09:40,670 --> 00:09:42,040
every day
at Teen Help Line.
292
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:44,330
Ugh! Teen Help Line.
293
00:09:44,330 --> 00:09:46,710
This is how every call
should go.
294
00:09:46,710 --> 00:09:48,790
"Thanks for calling
Teen Help Line.
295
00:09:48,790 --> 00:09:50,880
Time to sack up, loser!"
296
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:57,670
♪♪
297
00:09:57,670 --> 00:09:59,120
I did it!
298
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,120
I finally finished
"Gone Girl."
299
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:02,500
Well?
Didn't care for it.
300
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,040
Should have just watched
the movie.
301
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,330
At least I would have seen
some Affleck peen.
302
00:10:06,330 --> 00:10:08,580
Should we go back out
in the real world?
303
00:10:08,580 --> 00:10:10,080
I have to work on
the John Stuart Mill syllabus
304
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:11,830
for my three students.
305
00:10:11,830 --> 00:10:14,920
Or we could stay in here
a bit longer.
306
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:17,670
What else did we used to do
back then?
307
00:10:17,670 --> 00:10:19,040
We still do that now.
308
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:20,540
Not the way we used to.
309
00:10:20,540 --> 00:10:22,040
Well, if we're gonna do it
that way,
310
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:23,460
I need 15 minutes
to stretch.
311
00:10:23,460 --> 00:10:27,960
♪♪
312
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,170
[ Groaning softly ]
313
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:31,330
I like
post-dental surgery Doris.
314
00:10:31,330 --> 00:10:32,670
I've been driving
for 10 minutes,
315
00:10:32,670 --> 00:10:34,250
and you haven't pointed out
any of the places
316
00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:37,380
I'm gonna start balding.
317
00:10:37,380 --> 00:10:40,290
I can't believe
he just walked out.
318
00:10:40,290 --> 00:10:42,000
He didn't even want
to work on it.
319
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,290
The dentist?
320
00:10:43,290 --> 00:10:44,960
What is going on
in your mouth?
321
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,250
No. Richard.
322
00:10:47,250 --> 00:10:49,330
Just forget I said anything,
okay?
323
00:10:49,330 --> 00:10:51,170
I'm all sideways
from the nitrous.
324
00:10:51,170 --> 00:10:54,250
And I might've taken a few
pre-game anti-anxiety pals.
325
00:10:54,250 --> 00:10:55,880
Pills.
326
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:57,920
No, they're my pals.
[ Chuckles ]
327
00:10:57,920 --> 00:10:59,790
If you want to talk about it,
I'm here to listen.
328
00:10:59,790 --> 00:11:01,380
Do not
Teen Help Line me,
329
00:11:01,380 --> 00:11:05,120
or I will
teen face punch you.
330
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,580
Richard should be
driving me home.
331
00:11:07,580 --> 00:11:10,920
He was my
"in case of emergency" contact.
332
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,880
Now you are! Ugh!
333
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:16,000
And I thought sleeping
with my dog's allergist
334
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,040
was rock bottom...
335
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:19,580
Why didn't you call my mom
or Angela?
336
00:11:19,580 --> 00:11:21,420
I didn't want
their pity.
337
00:11:21,420 --> 00:11:23,290
I'm always telling them
how divorce
338
00:11:23,290 --> 00:11:25,540
and all the free time I have now
is amazing.
339
00:11:25,540 --> 00:11:26,880
But it's not.
340
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:29,040
It's really lonely.
341
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,580
Well, the best thing to do
is talk about your feelings.
342
00:11:31,580 --> 00:11:33,380
You know, get out --
There's a gun
in my glove compartment!
343
00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:34,170
Shoot me with it!
344
00:11:36,540 --> 00:11:38,750
Alright.
345
00:11:38,750 --> 00:11:40,290
You were saying?
346
00:11:40,290 --> 00:11:41,920
You may not be able
to see it now,
347
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,000
but you're lucky.
348
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,460
You've got close friends.
349
00:11:45,460 --> 00:11:47,580
And if you stop pretending to be
so tough all the time
350
00:11:47,580 --> 00:11:49,000
and open up to them,
351
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,330
I'm confident that,
with their help,
352
00:11:51,330 --> 00:11:52,750
you'll be able
to move on from Richard
353
00:11:52,750 --> 00:11:55,250
and have a fulfilling,
happy life.
354
00:11:58,790 --> 00:11:59,920
Holy crap!
355
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:00,960
What?!
356
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,170
You're on the Parkway.
357
00:12:02,170 --> 00:12:04,170
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, I am.
358
00:12:04,170 --> 00:12:05,380
Guess I was so busy
talking to you,
359
00:12:05,380 --> 00:12:07,330
I didn't think about it.
360
00:12:07,330 --> 00:12:09,380
I'm driving
on the Parkway.
361
00:12:09,380 --> 00:12:11,120
Now let me give you
some advice --
362
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,500
do not do drugs.
363
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:15,380
But if you do, you should take
whatever I'm on,
364
00:12:15,380 --> 00:12:17,620
because
I am feeling gooood.
365
00:12:17,620 --> 00:12:18,880
[ Chuckles ]
366
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:24,380
♪♪
367
00:12:24,380 --> 00:12:26,040
Since Mom is making you stay
in my room,
368
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:27,290
I guess I have to tell you
I'm sneaking out
369
00:12:27,290 --> 00:12:28,380
to go to that party.
370
00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:30,040
You're grounded.
Mom's not gonna like it.
371
00:12:31,540 --> 00:12:32,830
So you're gonna tattle
again?
372
00:12:32,830 --> 00:12:35,120
It's not tattling.
It's just telling Mom the truth.
373
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,170
[ Scoffs ]
374
00:12:36,170 --> 00:12:37,880
You need to get
on my side.
375
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,210
It goes both ways.
376
00:12:39,210 --> 00:12:41,040
You cover for me,
I cover for you.
377
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,670
I don't need you
to cover for me.
378
00:12:42,670 --> 00:12:44,250
But eventually you will.
379
00:12:44,250 --> 00:12:46,210
You're gonna want to do things
they don't want you to do.
380
00:12:46,210 --> 00:12:47,920
Like get
that Hindenburg tattoo.
381
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:51,750
"Oh, the humanity"
written amongst the flames.
382
00:12:51,750 --> 00:12:53,830
To do it right, it'd need
to cover my whole back.
383
00:12:53,830 --> 00:12:55,670
Mom's not gonna
let you do that.
384
00:12:55,670 --> 00:12:58,170
So when you do it anyways,
you need me on your side.
385
00:12:58,170 --> 00:12:59,210
And the only way
I'm gonna do that
386
00:12:59,210 --> 00:13:01,000
is if you're on my side.
387
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,620
Squid pro quo.
388
00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:04,330
You shouldn't go.
I have to.
389
00:13:04,330 --> 00:13:06,500
The party is all everyone
will be talking about
390
00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:09,460
at lunch on Monday,
going like, "That was so epic,"
391
00:13:09,460 --> 00:13:11,920
and I'll be like,
"Totes MaGotes Papa Choats,"
392
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,830
and they'll be like,
"L."
393
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:17,500
It's a grown-up thing.
You wouldn't understand.
394
00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:20,420
♪♪
395
00:13:20,420 --> 00:13:23,380
♪ That's the way I like it
and I never get bored ♪
396
00:13:23,380 --> 00:13:27,830
♪ Hey, now, you're an all-star,
get your game on, go play ♪
397
00:13:27,830 --> 00:13:32,330
♪ Hey, now, you're a rock star,
get the show on, get paid ♪
398
00:13:32,330 --> 00:13:35,250
♪ All that glitters is gold ♪
In here, it is 1999.
399
00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:37,710
No kids.
No exes.
400
00:13:37,710 --> 00:13:38,670
No "Fortnite."
♪ Only shooting stars
break the mold ♪
401
00:13:38,670 --> 00:13:39,880
[ Laughter ]
402
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:41,460
Seriously,
I cannot stop playing.
403
00:13:41,460 --> 00:13:43,170
I haven't gone to work
in two days.
404
00:13:44,790 --> 00:13:46,920
Greg: Katie?
405
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:48,710
Be cool.
406
00:13:48,710 --> 00:13:49,790
It's my old man.
407
00:13:49,790 --> 00:13:50,750
Mm.
408
00:13:52,830 --> 00:13:55,120
Hey, honey.
409
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:56,670
It's midnight.
What's going on with you?
410
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,250
You've been locked in that room
for 12 hours.
411
00:13:58,250 --> 00:14:00,330
And yet...I have never felt
more free.
412
00:14:00,330 --> 00:14:02,620
Greg, kids are like
a 24-hour diner --
413
00:14:02,620 --> 00:14:04,460
once it opens,
it never closes.
414
00:14:04,460 --> 00:14:07,000
And you can't skip a shift.
Ever.
415
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,580
This room
is taking me back
416
00:14:08,580 --> 00:14:10,250
before we opened
our diner.
417
00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:11,880
I'm tired.
418
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,920
And I just need a break.
I get that.
419
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,330
But just for my own crazy
wanting-to-know-what's-going-on,
420
00:14:16,330 --> 00:14:18,080
how long are you planning
to pretend you don't have kids?
421
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:19,460
How long did I pretend
my hand was broken
422
00:14:19,460 --> 00:14:20,460
so you had to do
all the cooking?
423
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:21,670
Six months.
424
00:14:21,670 --> 00:14:22,670
That sounds about right.
425
00:14:22,670 --> 00:14:23,880
Taylor?
426
00:14:26,290 --> 00:14:28,750
Cover my tables.
I'm calling in sick.
427
00:14:28,750 --> 00:14:30,620
What do you think
you're doing?
[ Sighs ]
428
00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:34,330
I was just downstairs
getting a midnight snack.
429
00:14:34,330 --> 00:14:35,620
Dressed like that?
430
00:14:35,620 --> 00:14:39,830
♪♪
431
00:14:39,830 --> 00:14:41,790
Is there anything I could say
that would get me out of this?
432
00:14:41,790 --> 00:14:43,710
I'm taking suggestions.
433
00:14:43,710 --> 00:14:45,500
Go to your room.
434
00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:47,000
I will deal with you
in the morning.
435
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,210
[ Sighs ]
436
00:14:50,540 --> 00:14:54,000
She didn't even try
climbing up the trellis.
437
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,750
She just waltzed
right into the front door.
438
00:14:55,750 --> 00:14:57,620
What kind of sneaking
is that?
439
00:14:57,620 --> 00:15:00,040
Ohh! That reflects so poorly
on me as a mother.
440
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:03,880
Katie, you cannot leave me
with 1999 Doris.
441
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:06,170
She keeps doing
the "Wassup" commercial.
442
00:15:06,170 --> 00:15:07,170
Doris: Wassup?!
See?
443
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:13,210
I just wanted to take
a little break,
444
00:15:13,210 --> 00:15:14,960
but you couldn't let me,
could you?
445
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,500
I know what happened.
446
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:18,620
You saw a little glimmer
of freedom in my eye,
447
00:15:18,620 --> 00:15:21,210
and you couldn't stand it,
and you had to snuff it out!
448
00:15:21,210 --> 00:15:22,920
You're a mother-snuffer!
449
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:24,920
It wasn't Taylor's fault.
450
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:29,120
When I was going to bed,
451
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,170
I realized I'd left my jacket
at the park,
452
00:15:31,170 --> 00:15:33,000
so Taylor went to go get it
for me.
453
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,420
Then why was she
all dressed up?
454
00:15:36,540 --> 00:15:40,540
There was a fashion flash mob
at the same time.
455
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,000
To raise awareness
for the garment industry
456
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,330
working conditions.
457
00:15:43,330 --> 00:15:44,580
How did Taylor know
about it?
458
00:15:44,580 --> 00:15:46,380
How did you not know?
459
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:48,540
Offline Otto over here.
[ Chuckles ]
460
00:15:48,540 --> 00:15:51,920
So Taylor went
and got my jacket for me.
461
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,710
'Cause that's what sisters do.
They have each other's backs.
462
00:15:56,170 --> 00:15:58,040
That is
the most ridiculous --
463
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,040
Okay.
Thank you for clearing that up.
464
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:03,040
Very nice of you, Taylor.
Saved me a trip.
465
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,330
You're welcome.
Mm-hmm.
466
00:16:07,420 --> 00:16:09,540
Are you still drunk?
467
00:16:09,540 --> 00:16:10,830
A little.
468
00:16:10,830 --> 00:16:12,790
Listen,
I've got some good news
469
00:16:12,790 --> 00:16:14,170
and bad news.
470
00:16:14,170 --> 00:16:15,210
Okay, let's start
with the good news.
471
00:16:15,210 --> 00:16:17,710
Anna-Kat was covering
for Taylor.
472
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,420
She has never done that
before.
473
00:16:19,420 --> 00:16:21,040
Don't you see
what this means?
474
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:22,330
I have some ideas,
but I sense
475
00:16:22,330 --> 00:16:23,710
you really just want
to say your thing.
476
00:16:23,710 --> 00:16:26,830
The kids are starting
to take care of one another.
477
00:16:26,830 --> 00:16:28,420
If I'm not available,
478
00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:30,250
they will turn to each other
and not me.
479
00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:32,210
That means
I get more breaks!
480
00:16:32,210 --> 00:16:34,170
I'm gonna go check
on Doris.
481
00:16:34,170 --> 00:16:35,960
She went pretty hard last night,
passed out.
482
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,670
Wait,
what's the bad news?
483
00:16:37,670 --> 00:16:40,250
Anna-Kat
is a terrible liar.
484
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:43,040
Once again, this reflects poorly
on me as a mother.
485
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:48,790
♪♪
486
00:16:48,790 --> 00:16:50,290
Aah!
Oh, dear!
487
00:16:50,290 --> 00:16:51,290
[ Laughs ]
488
00:16:51,290 --> 00:16:53,380
[ Sighs ]
Ah!
489
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:54,500
Come on, Lonnie!
490
00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:56,380
You've done this same prank
so many times!
491
00:16:56,380 --> 00:16:58,250
No, this one's
totally different.
492
00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:00,830
I'm a lady gorilla.
Didn't you notice the bikini?
493
00:17:00,830 --> 00:17:02,380
The future is female,
bruh.
494
00:17:02,380 --> 00:17:03,960
I'm not doing your videos
anymore.
495
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,540
The book isn't worth it.
I'm a respected educator.
496
00:17:06,540 --> 00:17:08,290
My job is
to make the world smarter.
497
00:17:08,290 --> 00:17:10,120
These videos are clearly
only making it dumber.
498
00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:11,670
So, enough is enough.
499
00:17:11,670 --> 00:17:14,620
I'm Professor Otto,
not Professor Badonkadonk!
500
00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:16,540
[ Dog barking in distance ]
501
00:17:16,540 --> 00:17:17,750
Don't worry, folks.
He doesn't mean it.
502
00:17:17,750 --> 00:17:19,170
It's Opposite Day.
503
00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:20,380
Greg: I said it would never be
Opposite Day!
504
00:17:20,380 --> 00:17:22,830
Yeah, but you said it
on Opposite Day!
505
00:17:22,830 --> 00:17:29,580
♪♪
506
00:17:29,580 --> 00:17:33,000
You did some damage
last night.
507
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:36,250
[ Groans lightly ]
508
00:17:36,250 --> 00:17:38,960
I'm miserable
being divorced.
509
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,170
I had a feeling.
510
00:17:41,170 --> 00:17:42,540
Why didn't you
say something?
511
00:17:42,540 --> 00:17:43,500
Pbht!
512
00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:46,330
You know
that I'm here for you.
513
00:17:46,330 --> 00:17:50,120
Yeah. I do.
[ Chuckles ]
514
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:52,540
Okay. [ Sighs ]
515
00:17:52,540 --> 00:17:54,620
Look, I know you said
no kid talk last night...
516
00:17:54,620 --> 00:17:56,580
Mm-hmm.
...but I want
to tell you something,
517
00:17:56,580 --> 00:18:00,080
and this isn't easy for me
to say --
518
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:04,500
Oliver is
really becoming...
519
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,920
less hateable.
520
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,500
Are you
trying to tell me
521
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,710
that you are starting
to like him?
522
00:18:10,710 --> 00:18:12,080
No. Never!
523
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:16,000
I'm just saying he's...
detestable lite.
524
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:19,250
I was in a bad way
yesterday,
525
00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:22,210
and he really helped me
through something.
526
00:18:22,210 --> 00:18:25,920
Parenting
is such a grind,
527
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,170
but then someone comes along
and tells you
528
00:18:28,170 --> 00:18:30,830
that your son
is a good kid --
529
00:18:30,830 --> 00:18:32,330
I never said "good kid."
530
00:18:32,330 --> 00:18:34,040
It makes you not want
to pretend
531
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,380
that you don't have them
anymore.
532
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:38,620
I'm glad I could help.
533
00:18:38,620 --> 00:18:40,880
Now I really got to do something
about this hangover.
534
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:46,330
[ Pounding on door ]
535
00:18:46,330 --> 00:18:49,330
Oliver, quit doing
gross boy stuff!
536
00:18:49,330 --> 00:18:51,170
I need you to drive me
to Taco Bell!
537
00:18:51,170 --> 00:18:56,250
♪♪
538
00:18:56,250 --> 00:18:58,620
[ Indistinct conversations ]
539
00:19:01,420 --> 00:19:02,380
You're here
for John Stuart Mill:
540
00:19:02,380 --> 00:19:03,830
An Intro
to Utilitarianism?
541
00:19:03,830 --> 00:19:05,580
Damn straight!
542
00:19:05,580 --> 00:19:06,620
Okay.
543
00:19:06,620 --> 00:19:07,960
Wow.
544
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,620
Well, welcome, everyone.
545
00:19:09,620 --> 00:19:10,920
[ Students cheer ]
546
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:11,960
Dude, say, "Oh, dear!"
547
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,250
Oh.
548
00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:22,790
My name is Professor Otto.
549
00:19:22,790 --> 00:19:24,080
[ Marker squeaks ]
550
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,420
-This sucks.
-Get outta here.
551
00:19:35,580 --> 00:19:39,620
The cornerstone
of Mill's philosophy
552
00:19:39,620 --> 00:19:41,210
is the greatest happiness
553
00:19:41,210 --> 00:19:42,710
for the greatest number
of people
554
00:19:42,710 --> 00:19:45,000
should be the guiding principle
of any conduct.
555
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:45,750
[ Marker cap clicks ]
556
00:19:45,750 --> 00:19:47,080
With that in mind,
557
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:48,750
I give you...
558
00:19:48,750 --> 00:19:50,000
Man: Badonkadonk!
559
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,170
[ Cheers and applause ]
560
00:19:51,170 --> 00:19:53,710
Date my mom,
Professor Badonkadonk!
561
00:19:53,710 --> 00:19:56,250
Whoo! Badonkadonk!
562
00:19:56,250 --> 00:19:57,920
Let's get started.
563
00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:00,750
♪♪
564
00:20:00,750 --> 00:20:03,170
I think this is the last
of your old stuff.
565
00:20:03,170 --> 00:20:05,120
Sorry I stole your room
for a little while.
566
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,750
It's okay, Mom.
567
00:20:06,750 --> 00:20:08,920
Mood swings are very common
for a woman your age,
568
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,580
as well as hot flashes
and...
569
00:20:10,580 --> 00:20:12,170
Anna-Kat,
I'm not even 40!
570
00:20:12,170 --> 00:20:13,620
...irritability.
571
00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:15,080
Moving on.
572
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,420
Dad and I
talked about it,
573
00:20:17,420 --> 00:20:20,040
and we are going to find a way
to buy you some of that stuff
574
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:21,500
that you want
for your big girl room.
575
00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,120
Are you serious?
Mm-hmm.
576
00:20:25,670 --> 00:20:26,790
Thanks, Mom.
577
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,750
I don't care
what anyone else says --
578
00:20:31,750 --> 00:20:34,120
I think you're handling
menopause with a lot of grace.
579
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:37,540
♪♪
580
00:20:40,790 --> 00:20:43,500
[ Muffled ] Well,
I guess in the end,
581
00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:45,670
I married the person I thought
my parents wanted me to marry.
582
00:20:45,670 --> 00:20:47,420
Not the man
I wanted to marry.
583
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:49,380
I thought you were supposed to
talk to my mom about this stuff.
584
00:20:49,380 --> 00:20:51,420
Well, she doesn't always have
the best advice.
585
00:20:51,420 --> 00:20:52,580
Plus, she doesn't know anything
about divorce.
586
00:20:52,580 --> 00:20:54,210
And I do?
587
00:20:54,210 --> 00:20:57,250
Well, you're very familiar
with loneliness, I imagine.
588
00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:59,290
For your information,
I am single by choice.
589
00:20:59,290 --> 00:21:01,710
[ Scoffs ]
Yeah, other people's choice.
590
00:21:01,710 --> 00:21:03,620
[ Laughs ]
591
00:21:03,620 --> 00:21:05,620
I see
you're feeling better.
592
00:21:05,620 --> 00:21:08,920
♪♪
39097
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