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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,540 --> 00:00:06,420 ♪♪ 2 00:00:06,420 --> 00:00:08,580 Are you reading your own John Stuart Mill book? 3 00:00:08,580 --> 00:00:10,120 I finally convinced the university 4 00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:11,380 to let me teach a class on Mill, 5 00:00:11,380 --> 00:00:13,500 so I'm brushing up on my favorite anecdotes. 6 00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:16,290 Wrote a history of Rome at age 6 7 00:00:16,290 --> 00:00:17,920 [chuckling] the scamp. That's it. 8 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:19,960 We're losing the swear jar and getting a dork jar. 9 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,710 You owe a quarter for "scamp." 10 00:00:21,710 --> 00:00:23,210 I'm getting a hot tub next month. 11 00:00:23,210 --> 00:00:24,880 But it might not get off the ground. 12 00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:26,750 Only a few students have signed up so far. 13 00:00:26,750 --> 00:00:28,420 You want to fill up the class? 14 00:00:28,420 --> 00:00:31,040 Just teach a subject kids care about. 15 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:33,170 Like water slides or skateboard fails. 16 00:00:33,170 --> 00:00:34,670 Good tips. Helpful. 17 00:00:34,670 --> 00:00:36,290 Uh-huh. 18 00:00:36,290 --> 00:00:37,620 You're still reading "Gone Girl"? 19 00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:39,120 Don't say it like that. 20 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:40,960 It's been years! Ohh. 21 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:43,080 You checked that out on my library card. 22 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,210 They're gonna revoke my microfiche privileges! 23 00:00:45,210 --> 00:00:47,620 Another quarter. And it's not my fault. 24 00:00:47,620 --> 00:00:50,460 Every time I pick it up, a child interrupts me. 25 00:00:50,460 --> 00:00:51,750 ♪♪ 26 00:00:51,750 --> 00:00:53,080 Is my breath really that bad? 27 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:54,330 [ Exhales deeply ] 28 00:00:54,330 --> 00:00:56,000 What's my Social Security number? 29 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:57,580 A Nigerian prince needs it. 30 00:00:57,580 --> 00:00:59,830 Mom, is my nose bleeding? 31 00:00:59,830 --> 00:01:02,420 And then there's the "I can't find my"s. 32 00:01:02,420 --> 00:01:03,750 Mom, I can't find my... 33 00:01:03,750 --> 00:01:04,710 -Backpack. -Jacket. 34 00:01:04,710 --> 00:01:05,670 -Sneaker. -Headphones. 35 00:01:05,670 --> 00:01:07,040 -Toothbrush. -Other sneaker. 36 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,040 -Turtle. -Sunglasses. 37 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:09,000 -Lucky socks. -Keys. 38 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:10,500 -Cufflinks. -Lucky earrings. 39 00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:11,420 -Lipstick. -Ascot. 40 00:01:11,420 --> 00:01:13,080 -Lucky hairband. -Sunglasses. 41 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:14,420 -Shoehorn. -Lucky cough drop. 42 00:01:14,420 --> 00:01:15,290 -Charger. -Charger. 43 00:01:15,290 --> 00:01:16,420 Lucky charger. 44 00:01:16,420 --> 00:01:18,540 I haven't had a moment to myself 45 00:01:18,540 --> 00:01:20,500 since Taylor kicked out my mucus plug. 46 00:01:20,500 --> 00:01:21,830 Lovely. [ Footsteps approach ] 47 00:01:21,830 --> 00:01:23,420 One of you has to take me driving. 48 00:01:23,420 --> 00:01:25,500 I need 40 hours to get my license. 49 00:01:25,500 --> 00:01:27,210 I can't even complain about being interrupted 50 00:01:27,210 --> 00:01:28,380 without being interrupted! 51 00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:29,960 There is nowhere that I can go 52 00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,040 to get away from these people. 53 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,420 I decided what I wanted for my big girl room. 54 00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:37,290 Direct your eyes to my vision board. 55 00:01:37,290 --> 00:01:39,710 It's Jackie O's 5th Avenue Apartment. 56 00:01:39,710 --> 00:01:42,330 I loved her ever since I saw her in the Zapruder Film. 57 00:01:42,330 --> 00:01:43,670 We don't have money for new furniture, 58 00:01:43,670 --> 00:01:45,710 but you are free to use whatever you find around the house. 59 00:01:45,710 --> 00:01:47,210 There's a bunch of old furniture in the basement. 60 00:01:47,210 --> 00:01:48,500 If we don't have any money, 61 00:01:48,500 --> 00:01:50,460 then why does Taylor have that fancy new hoodie? 62 00:01:51,710 --> 00:01:53,580 [ Refrigerator door opens ] 63 00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:55,040 Didn't Trip buy that for her? 64 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:57,920 No. She bought it with the money she took from your wallet. 65 00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,040 [ Refrigerator door closes ] 66 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:00,330 Taylor, is that true? 67 00:02:00,330 --> 00:02:02,040 You said I could take a $20, so I did! 68 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,710 Three times. 69 00:02:03,710 --> 00:02:05,250 I'll pay you back! With what? 70 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:07,170 With my future famous-person money. 71 00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:08,080 Oh! 72 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:09,540 As long as you have a plan. 73 00:02:09,540 --> 00:02:10,290 Thank you. 74 00:02:10,290 --> 00:02:11,540 You're grounded. 75 00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:13,710 Why couldn't you mind your own stupid business? 76 00:02:13,710 --> 00:02:16,080 I'm 10! My business is boring! 77 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,380 If Taylor gets a hoodie, I want a driving instructor. 78 00:02:18,380 --> 00:02:19,960 Well, we all want things, Oliver. 79 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,670 I want to finish this book before cataracts 80 00:02:21,670 --> 00:02:23,000 make my eyes explode, 81 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,380 but I don't think that's gonna happen. 82 00:02:24,380 --> 00:02:26,330 [ Book whooshes, thuds ] 83 00:02:26,330 --> 00:02:27,580 That's a library book! 84 00:02:27,580 --> 00:02:29,000 Another quarter. 85 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:36,830 ♪♪ 86 00:02:36,830 --> 00:02:39,120 Okay, Lonnie, you were 19 years old 87 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:40,460 and the biggest thing on the Internet. 88 00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:42,540 What did you do with your first check from YouTube? 89 00:02:42,540 --> 00:02:45,330 I bought a small town in Wyoming and renamed it "Fartsville." 90 00:02:45,330 --> 00:02:46,880 They just got an Applebee's. 91 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,670 [ Sighs ] Hey, after work, 92 00:02:48,670 --> 00:02:50,670 can you come with me to the aquarium? 93 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,080 I need you to distract the guards 94 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:53,170 while I jump into the shark tank. 95 00:02:53,170 --> 00:02:54,330 Why on Earth would you do that? 96 00:02:54,330 --> 00:02:55,620 Got to, bruh. 97 00:02:55,620 --> 00:02:57,500 There's this new guy chomping at my likes on YouTube, 98 00:02:57,500 --> 00:02:58,750 Johnny Goodwin. 99 00:02:58,750 --> 00:03:00,120 So I have to do something huge, 100 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:02,540 or Johnny's gonna snake my spot as most-watched YouTuber. 101 00:03:02,540 --> 00:03:04,170 Look at this. Come here. 102 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:06,960 [ Water splashes ] 103 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,380 [ Man grunts ] 104 00:03:08,380 --> 00:03:09,750 Did he just throw a live crocodile 105 00:03:09,750 --> 00:03:10,750 into that man's bath? 106 00:03:10,750 --> 00:03:12,210 That's his dad. 107 00:03:12,210 --> 00:03:14,170 Yeah. He does tons of dad videos. 108 00:03:14,170 --> 00:03:15,920 It's spectacular content, yo. 109 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:17,330 His dad could have lost any number 110 00:03:17,330 --> 00:03:18,960 of very important body parts. 111 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,330 My pops is not a team player like that, 112 00:03:21,330 --> 00:03:22,710 so I got to go in with the sharks. 113 00:03:22,710 --> 00:03:24,000 I forbid it. 114 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,080 As long as you're spending time under my roof, 115 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,500 you're not going to do anything stupid. 116 00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:28,920 And before you retort, let me be clear -- 117 00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:30,500 it is not Opposite Day 118 00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:32,000 and will never be Opposite Day. 119 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,080 Hold up. 120 00:03:35,210 --> 00:03:37,460 You could be my old dude. No. 121 00:03:37,460 --> 00:03:38,920 People already know you on my channel 122 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,080 as Professor Badonkadonk. 123 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,250 I'm not crazy about that. 124 00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:42,460 I'm not a Badonkadonk. 125 00:03:42,460 --> 00:03:44,040 I have a normal-sized fanny. 126 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:45,830 If I'm not getting the most likes when our book comes out, 127 00:03:45,830 --> 00:03:47,290 that's bad for sales. 128 00:03:47,290 --> 00:03:48,710 Yeah, but -- Which is bad for your bonus. 129 00:03:48,710 --> 00:03:51,380 But -- Which means you spent the last five months with me 130 00:03:51,380 --> 00:03:53,580 getting pelted with paintballs for no reason. 131 00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:54,790 Yeah, I still don't think -- 132 00:03:54,790 --> 00:03:55,920 No reason! [ Paintball gun fires ] 133 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,120 Ow! No reason! 134 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:58,670 Ow! No reason! 135 00:03:58,670 --> 00:04:00,920 Ow! Okay, I'll help you! 136 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,170 Yeah! The Donks is in! 137 00:04:03,170 --> 00:04:05,380 Come here, let me give that ginormous ass a slap. 138 00:04:05,380 --> 00:04:06,500 It's not that big! 139 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:09,170 ♪♪ 140 00:04:09,170 --> 00:04:11,580 Oliver wants driving lessons, 141 00:04:11,580 --> 00:04:13,880 and Anna-Kat and Taylor are at each other's throats. 142 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,830 I don't have a second for myself. 143 00:04:15,830 --> 00:04:18,120 Well, with the divorce and splitting the kids with Richard, 144 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,170 all I have is time. Me too. 145 00:04:20,170 --> 00:04:22,000 Yesterday, I played "Fortnite" on my kids' Xbox. 146 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,830 Oh. I had 18 kills, 147 00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:26,080 then I got shot by a 9-year-old dressed like a banana. 148 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:27,960 Ohh. Divorce is amazing. 149 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,250 The only downside is that, if you fall in the shower, 150 00:04:30,250 --> 00:04:31,620 your kids are gonna find you naked. 151 00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:32,920 I'm not divorcing Greg. 152 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:35,290 Well, I can't help you with Taylor and... 153 00:04:37,460 --> 00:04:39,460 Anna-Kat. 154 00:04:39,460 --> 00:04:40,620 Yeah, Anna-Kat. 155 00:04:40,620 --> 00:04:42,120 Uh, but I will take Oliver driving. 156 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:43,750 Thank you, and why? 157 00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:45,040 Yeah, you can't stand him. 158 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,290 Uh, well, he's fun to yell at. 159 00:04:47,290 --> 00:04:49,750 He doesn't cry, but his eyes get all glisteny like I like. 160 00:04:49,750 --> 00:04:51,670 [ Both laugh ] 161 00:04:51,670 --> 00:04:56,210 ♪♪ 162 00:05:00,290 --> 00:05:01,920 [ Growls ] Oh, dear! 163 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:04,120 [ Dramatic music plays ] 164 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,750 [ Laughs ] 165 00:05:05,750 --> 00:05:08,210 But, seriously, folks, gorillas are endangered. 166 00:05:08,210 --> 00:05:10,210 Recycle, yo. [ Clicks tongue ] 167 00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,120 [ Music ends ] 168 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:16,620 [ Growls ] Oh, dear! 169 00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:17,830 [ Dramatic music plays ] [ Grunts ] 170 00:05:17,830 --> 00:05:20,250 [ Laughs ] Yes! 171 00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:22,170 Disclaimer -- no humans were harmed 172 00:05:22,170 --> 00:05:23,380 during the filming of this video. 173 00:05:23,380 --> 00:05:25,250 [ Weakly ] My tailbone. 174 00:05:25,250 --> 00:05:27,210 [ Music continues ] 175 00:05:27,210 --> 00:05:28,670 [ Sighs ] 176 00:05:28,670 --> 00:05:30,920 [ Growls ] Oh [bleep] dear! 177 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:32,710 ♪♪ 178 00:05:32,710 --> 00:05:34,620 [ Music stops ] 179 00:05:34,620 --> 00:05:37,250 Oh, dear. 180 00:05:37,250 --> 00:05:39,710 You gots to be ready for the second gorilla, Donks. 181 00:05:39,710 --> 00:05:42,580 You gots to! 182 00:05:42,580 --> 00:05:43,960 Forget Johnny Goodwin's dad. 183 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,420 You are racking up the likes! 184 00:05:45,420 --> 00:05:47,380 Yeah. As long as we keep doing videos like these, 185 00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:50,290 our book sales are going to be as fat as that ass. 186 00:05:50,290 --> 00:05:52,670 It's normal-sized! 187 00:05:52,670 --> 00:05:54,330 By the way, you don't have a pacemaker, do you? 188 00:05:54,330 --> 00:05:55,380 You're not tasing me. 189 00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:56,580 [ Sighs ] 190 00:05:56,580 --> 00:05:57,620 You know what? 191 00:05:57,620 --> 00:05:58,790 Kate's right -- 192 00:05:58,790 --> 00:06:01,710 sometimes, you can be exhausting, bruh. 193 00:06:01,710 --> 00:06:04,290 ♪♪ 194 00:06:04,290 --> 00:06:05,500 [ Gasps ] 195 00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:07,670 Where did you get that? 196 00:06:07,670 --> 00:06:09,250 I found it in the basement. 197 00:06:09,250 --> 00:06:12,000 Your dad and I used to have this in our first apartment, 198 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,210 before we had kids. 199 00:06:14,210 --> 00:06:15,920 Let me get in there. 200 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,710 [ Sighs ] 201 00:06:18,710 --> 00:06:21,830 I loved this chair. 202 00:06:21,830 --> 00:06:24,750 I used to take naps in it and read books. 203 00:06:24,750 --> 00:06:26,620 Books? Really? 204 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:29,080 Huh. It's like learning you used to be a figure skater. 205 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:30,420 I know it's hard to believe, 206 00:06:30,420 --> 00:06:33,170 but before I had kids, my brain used to work. 207 00:06:33,170 --> 00:06:34,500 Was there anything else down there? 208 00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:37,040 Oh, yeah. A bunch of other weird old stuff, 209 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:38,790 lot of photos and baby junk taking up 210 00:06:38,790 --> 00:06:40,830 perfectly good fallout-shelter real estate. 211 00:06:40,830 --> 00:06:46,420 ♪♪ 212 00:06:46,420 --> 00:06:47,960 [ Sighs ] 213 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,710 There. 214 00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:53,170 Now it looks exactly like the old studio apartment 215 00:06:53,170 --> 00:06:54,500 Dad and I lived in. 216 00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:56,710 None of this was on my vision board. 217 00:06:56,710 --> 00:06:59,750 And I don't believe Jackie O had a hot-dog toaster. 218 00:06:59,750 --> 00:07:02,250 When is Doris gonna take me driving? 219 00:07:02,250 --> 00:07:03,960 Mom, there's a party tonight. 220 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,330 Can't you be cool and ground me some other time? 221 00:07:06,330 --> 00:07:09,620 Hey. You wanna hear the most beautiful sound in the world? 222 00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:11,290 Yeah. 223 00:07:11,290 --> 00:07:13,670 Mom! Hey! Seriously?! 224 00:07:13,670 --> 00:07:14,920 Mom, it's my room! When is Doris gonna take me driving?! 225 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,620 Why can't I go to the party?! [ Indistinct shouting ] 226 00:07:16,620 --> 00:07:20,920 ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me ♪ 227 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,120 ♪ I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed ♪ 228 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,290 [ Shouting continues ] 229 00:07:25,290 --> 00:07:27,210 [ Music volume increases, shouting fades ] ♪ She was looking kind of dumb ♪ 230 00:07:27,210 --> 00:07:29,540 ♪ With her finger and her thumb ♪ 231 00:07:29,540 --> 00:07:34,540 ♪ In the shape of an "L" on her forehead ♪ 232 00:07:34,540 --> 00:07:36,120 ♪ Hey, now, you're an all-star ♪ 233 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,500 [ Knock on door ] 234 00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:44,290 If you have a complaint, demand, a question 235 00:07:44,290 --> 00:07:46,380 about anything other than last night's episode 236 00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:48,170 of "The Bachelor," I'm not here! 237 00:07:49,250 --> 00:07:51,540 What's going on in -- 238 00:07:51,540 --> 00:07:52,750 This looks like our old apartment. 239 00:07:52,750 --> 00:07:54,290 Isn't it amazing? 240 00:07:54,290 --> 00:07:55,330 It is. 241 00:07:55,330 --> 00:07:57,580 Plus... 242 00:07:57,580 --> 00:08:00,120 I saw Lonnie Googling, "How poisonous are scorpions?" 243 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,040 So it's nice to be in a safe place right now. 244 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:05,460 Oh, my God, the tiki bar. 245 00:08:05,460 --> 00:08:07,250 The easy charm of French Polynesia 246 00:08:07,250 --> 00:08:10,120 with none of the painful colonialist scars. 247 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:12,830 The lamp I used to hit my head on. 248 00:08:12,830 --> 00:08:15,330 The chair we accidentally made Taylor in. 249 00:08:15,330 --> 00:08:16,790 The old VCR! 250 00:08:16,790 --> 00:08:19,880 It still has "How to Make an American Quilt" jammed inside. 251 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,540 I think, of all the group sewing movies, 252 00:08:21,540 --> 00:08:23,080 that one is my favorite. Mm. 253 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:24,120 So, what does Anna-Kat think of her new room? 254 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:25,920 Bup-bup-bup-bup! Hup! 255 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:29,330 We don't have kids yet, Greg. It's 1999. 256 00:08:29,330 --> 00:08:32,580 My only obligation is to finally finish this book. 257 00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:35,830 [ Gasps ] My devil sticks! 258 00:08:35,830 --> 00:08:37,330 I used to rock these. 259 00:08:37,330 --> 00:08:38,500 Hup! 260 00:08:42,210 --> 00:08:43,880 I'm not going through this again. 261 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:48,250 ♪♪ 262 00:08:48,250 --> 00:08:50,880 Wow, you're giving me driving lessons in a Bentley? 263 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,880 Mm-hmm. 264 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:55,330 Hey! Stop groping my car, perv! 265 00:08:55,330 --> 00:08:56,830 Get in. [ Car door closes ] 266 00:08:56,830 --> 00:08:57,960 [ Sighs ] 267 00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:59,380 [ Seat belt clicks ] 268 00:08:59,380 --> 00:09:00,710 You're not sitting up here with me? 269 00:09:00,710 --> 00:09:02,040 No. 270 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,290 You know I don't like being around you. 271 00:09:04,290 --> 00:09:05,710 Then why did you offer to drive with me? 272 00:09:05,710 --> 00:09:07,380 I'm getting dental work done. 273 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,250 They're putting me under and say I need someone I know 274 00:09:09,250 --> 00:09:10,880 to drive me home. Why me? 275 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,880 Because the procedure takes three hours, 276 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,540 and I didn't want to make anyone wait. 277 00:09:14,540 --> 00:09:16,080 Your time is worth nothing. 278 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,170 Drive! 279 00:09:17,170 --> 00:09:24,080 ♪♪ 280 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:25,170 Where am I going? 281 00:09:25,170 --> 00:09:26,750 Just get on the Parkway. 282 00:09:26,750 --> 00:09:28,670 Oh, no, I only know how to drive on regular streets. 283 00:09:28,670 --> 00:09:29,670 Take the Parkway. 284 00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:30,540 I'm not ready. 285 00:09:30,540 --> 00:09:32,000 The Parkway! 286 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,420 You're right. Studies show that screaming 287 00:09:33,420 --> 00:09:35,500 improves both confidence and cognition. 288 00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:37,420 Stop overthinking it and just go! 289 00:09:37,420 --> 00:09:39,330 You're a bully, and I won't be bullied. 290 00:09:39,330 --> 00:09:40,670 I help kids deal with people like you 291 00:09:40,670 --> 00:09:42,040 every day at Teen Help Line. 292 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:44,330 Ugh! Teen Help Line. 293 00:09:44,330 --> 00:09:46,710 This is how every call should go. 294 00:09:46,710 --> 00:09:48,790 "Thanks for calling Teen Help Line. 295 00:09:48,790 --> 00:09:50,880 Time to sack up, loser!" 296 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:57,670 ♪♪ 297 00:09:57,670 --> 00:09:59,120 I did it! 298 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,120 I finally finished "Gone Girl." 299 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:02,500 Well? Didn't care for it. 300 00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,040 Should have just watched the movie. 301 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,330 At least I would have seen some Affleck peen. 302 00:10:06,330 --> 00:10:08,580 Should we go back out in the real world? 303 00:10:08,580 --> 00:10:10,080 I have to work on the John Stuart Mill syllabus 304 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:11,830 for my three students. 305 00:10:11,830 --> 00:10:14,920 Or we could stay in here a bit longer. 306 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:17,670 What else did we used to do back then? 307 00:10:17,670 --> 00:10:19,040 We still do that now. 308 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:20,540 Not the way we used to. 309 00:10:20,540 --> 00:10:22,040 Well, if we're gonna do it that way, 310 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:23,460 I need 15 minutes to stretch. 311 00:10:23,460 --> 00:10:27,960 ♪♪ 312 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,170 [ Groaning softly ] 313 00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:31,330 I like post-dental surgery Doris. 314 00:10:31,330 --> 00:10:32,670 I've been driving for 10 minutes, 315 00:10:32,670 --> 00:10:34,250 and you haven't pointed out any of the places 316 00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:37,380 I'm gonna start balding. 317 00:10:37,380 --> 00:10:40,290 I can't believe he just walked out. 318 00:10:40,290 --> 00:10:42,000 He didn't even want to work on it. 319 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,290 The dentist? 320 00:10:43,290 --> 00:10:44,960 What is going on in your mouth? 321 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,250 No. Richard. 322 00:10:47,250 --> 00:10:49,330 Just forget I said anything, okay? 323 00:10:49,330 --> 00:10:51,170 I'm all sideways from the nitrous. 324 00:10:51,170 --> 00:10:54,250 And I might've taken a few pre-game anti-anxiety pals. 325 00:10:54,250 --> 00:10:55,880 Pills. 326 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:57,920 No, they're my pals. [ Chuckles ] 327 00:10:57,920 --> 00:10:59,790 If you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen. 328 00:10:59,790 --> 00:11:01,380 Do not Teen Help Line me, 329 00:11:01,380 --> 00:11:05,120 or I will teen face punch you. 330 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,580 Richard should be driving me home. 331 00:11:07,580 --> 00:11:10,920 He was my "in case of emergency" contact. 332 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,880 Now you are! Ugh! 333 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:16,000 And I thought sleeping with my dog's allergist 334 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,040 was rock bottom... 335 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:19,580 Why didn't you call my mom or Angela? 336 00:11:19,580 --> 00:11:21,420 I didn't want their pity. 337 00:11:21,420 --> 00:11:23,290 I'm always telling them how divorce 338 00:11:23,290 --> 00:11:25,540 and all the free time I have now is amazing. 339 00:11:25,540 --> 00:11:26,880 But it's not. 340 00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:29,040 It's really lonely. 341 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,580 Well, the best thing to do is talk about your feelings. 342 00:11:31,580 --> 00:11:33,380 You know, get out -- There's a gun in my glove compartment! 343 00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:34,170 Shoot me with it! 344 00:11:36,540 --> 00:11:38,750 Alright. 345 00:11:38,750 --> 00:11:40,290 You were saying? 346 00:11:40,290 --> 00:11:41,920 You may not be able to see it now, 347 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,000 but you're lucky. 348 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,460 You've got close friends. 349 00:11:45,460 --> 00:11:47,580 And if you stop pretending to be so tough all the time 350 00:11:47,580 --> 00:11:49,000 and open up to them, 351 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,330 I'm confident that, with their help, 352 00:11:51,330 --> 00:11:52,750 you'll be able to move on from Richard 353 00:11:52,750 --> 00:11:55,250 and have a fulfilling, happy life. 354 00:11:58,790 --> 00:11:59,920 Holy crap! 355 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:00,960 What?! 356 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,170 You're on the Parkway. 357 00:12:02,170 --> 00:12:04,170 [ Chuckles ] Hey, I am. 358 00:12:04,170 --> 00:12:05,380 Guess I was so busy talking to you, 359 00:12:05,380 --> 00:12:07,330 I didn't think about it. 360 00:12:07,330 --> 00:12:09,380 I'm driving on the Parkway. 361 00:12:09,380 --> 00:12:11,120 Now let me give you some advice -- 362 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,500 do not do drugs. 363 00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:15,380 But if you do, you should take whatever I'm on, 364 00:12:15,380 --> 00:12:17,620 because I am feeling gooood. 365 00:12:17,620 --> 00:12:18,880 [ Chuckles ] 366 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:24,380 ♪♪ 367 00:12:24,380 --> 00:12:26,040 Since Mom is making you stay in my room, 368 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:27,290 I guess I have to tell you I'm sneaking out 369 00:12:27,290 --> 00:12:28,380 to go to that party. 370 00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:30,040 You're grounded. Mom's not gonna like it. 371 00:12:31,540 --> 00:12:32,830 So you're gonna tattle again? 372 00:12:32,830 --> 00:12:35,120 It's not tattling. It's just telling Mom the truth. 373 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,170 [ Scoffs ] 374 00:12:36,170 --> 00:12:37,880 You need to get on my side. 375 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,210 It goes both ways. 376 00:12:39,210 --> 00:12:41,040 You cover for me, I cover for you. 377 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,670 I don't need you to cover for me. 378 00:12:42,670 --> 00:12:44,250 But eventually you will. 379 00:12:44,250 --> 00:12:46,210 You're gonna want to do things they don't want you to do. 380 00:12:46,210 --> 00:12:47,920 Like get that Hindenburg tattoo. 381 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:51,750 "Oh, the humanity" written amongst the flames. 382 00:12:51,750 --> 00:12:53,830 To do it right, it'd need to cover my whole back. 383 00:12:53,830 --> 00:12:55,670 Mom's not gonna let you do that. 384 00:12:55,670 --> 00:12:58,170 So when you do it anyways, you need me on your side. 385 00:12:58,170 --> 00:12:59,210 And the only way I'm gonna do that 386 00:12:59,210 --> 00:13:01,000 is if you're on my side. 387 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,620 Squid pro quo. 388 00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:04,330 You shouldn't go. I have to. 389 00:13:04,330 --> 00:13:06,500 The party is all everyone will be talking about 390 00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:09,460 at lunch on Monday, going like, "That was so epic," 391 00:13:09,460 --> 00:13:11,920 and I'll be like, "Totes MaGotes Papa Choats," 392 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,830 and they'll be like, "L." 393 00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:17,500 It's a grown-up thing. You wouldn't understand. 394 00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:20,420 ♪♪ 395 00:13:20,420 --> 00:13:23,380 ♪ That's the way I like it and I never get bored ♪ 396 00:13:23,380 --> 00:13:27,830 ♪ Hey, now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play ♪ 397 00:13:27,830 --> 00:13:32,330 ♪ Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid ♪ 398 00:13:32,330 --> 00:13:35,250 ♪ All that glitters is gold ♪ In here, it is 1999. 399 00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:37,710 No kids. No exes. 400 00:13:37,710 --> 00:13:38,670 No "Fortnite." ♪ Only shooting stars break the mold ♪ 401 00:13:38,670 --> 00:13:39,880 [ Laughter ] 402 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:41,460 Seriously, I cannot stop playing. 403 00:13:41,460 --> 00:13:43,170 I haven't gone to work in two days. 404 00:13:44,790 --> 00:13:46,920 Greg: Katie? 405 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:48,710 Be cool. 406 00:13:48,710 --> 00:13:49,790 It's my old man. 407 00:13:49,790 --> 00:13:50,750 Mm. 408 00:13:52,830 --> 00:13:55,120 Hey, honey. 409 00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:56,670 It's midnight. What's going on with you? 410 00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,250 You've been locked in that room for 12 hours. 411 00:13:58,250 --> 00:14:00,330 And yet...I have never felt more free. 412 00:14:00,330 --> 00:14:02,620 Greg, kids are like a 24-hour diner -- 413 00:14:02,620 --> 00:14:04,460 once it opens, it never closes. 414 00:14:04,460 --> 00:14:07,000 And you can't skip a shift. Ever. 415 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,580 This room is taking me back 416 00:14:08,580 --> 00:14:10,250 before we opened our diner. 417 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:11,880 I'm tired. 418 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,920 And I just need a break. I get that. 419 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,330 But just for my own crazy wanting-to-know-what's-going-on, 420 00:14:16,330 --> 00:14:18,080 how long are you planning to pretend you don't have kids? 421 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:19,460 How long did I pretend my hand was broken 422 00:14:19,460 --> 00:14:20,460 so you had to do all the cooking? 423 00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:21,670 Six months. 424 00:14:21,670 --> 00:14:22,670 That sounds about right. 425 00:14:22,670 --> 00:14:23,880 Taylor? 426 00:14:26,290 --> 00:14:28,750 Cover my tables. I'm calling in sick. 427 00:14:28,750 --> 00:14:30,620 What do you think you're doing? [ Sighs ] 428 00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:34,330 I was just downstairs getting a midnight snack. 429 00:14:34,330 --> 00:14:35,620 Dressed like that? 430 00:14:35,620 --> 00:14:39,830 ♪♪ 431 00:14:39,830 --> 00:14:41,790 Is there anything I could say that would get me out of this? 432 00:14:41,790 --> 00:14:43,710 I'm taking suggestions. 433 00:14:43,710 --> 00:14:45,500 Go to your room. 434 00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:47,000 I will deal with you in the morning. 435 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,210 [ Sighs ] 436 00:14:50,540 --> 00:14:54,000 She didn't even try climbing up the trellis. 437 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,750 She just waltzed right into the front door. 438 00:14:55,750 --> 00:14:57,620 What kind of sneaking is that? 439 00:14:57,620 --> 00:15:00,040 Ohh! That reflects so poorly on me as a mother. 440 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:03,880 Katie, you cannot leave me with 1999 Doris. 441 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:06,170 She keeps doing the "Wassup" commercial. 442 00:15:06,170 --> 00:15:07,170 Doris: Wassup?! See? 443 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:13,210 I just wanted to take a little break, 444 00:15:13,210 --> 00:15:14,960 but you couldn't let me, could you? 445 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,500 I know what happened. 446 00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:18,620 You saw a little glimmer of freedom in my eye, 447 00:15:18,620 --> 00:15:21,210 and you couldn't stand it, and you had to snuff it out! 448 00:15:21,210 --> 00:15:22,920 You're a mother-snuffer! 449 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:24,920 It wasn't Taylor's fault. 450 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:29,120 When I was going to bed, 451 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,170 I realized I'd left my jacket at the park, 452 00:15:31,170 --> 00:15:33,000 so Taylor went to go get it for me. 453 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,420 Then why was she all dressed up? 454 00:15:36,540 --> 00:15:40,540 There was a fashion flash mob at the same time. 455 00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,000 To raise awareness for the garment industry 456 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,330 working conditions. 457 00:15:43,330 --> 00:15:44,580 How did Taylor know about it? 458 00:15:44,580 --> 00:15:46,380 How did you not know? 459 00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:48,540 Offline Otto over here. [ Chuckles ] 460 00:15:48,540 --> 00:15:51,920 So Taylor went and got my jacket for me. 461 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,710 'Cause that's what sisters do. They have each other's backs. 462 00:15:56,170 --> 00:15:58,040 That is the most ridiculous -- 463 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,040 Okay. Thank you for clearing that up. 464 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:03,040 Very nice of you, Taylor. Saved me a trip. 465 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,330 You're welcome. Mm-hmm. 466 00:16:07,420 --> 00:16:09,540 Are you still drunk? 467 00:16:09,540 --> 00:16:10,830 A little. 468 00:16:10,830 --> 00:16:12,790 Listen, I've got some good news 469 00:16:12,790 --> 00:16:14,170 and bad news. 470 00:16:14,170 --> 00:16:15,210 Okay, let's start with the good news. 471 00:16:15,210 --> 00:16:17,710 Anna-Kat was covering for Taylor. 472 00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,420 She has never done that before. 473 00:16:19,420 --> 00:16:21,040 Don't you see what this means? 474 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:22,330 I have some ideas, but I sense 475 00:16:22,330 --> 00:16:23,710 you really just want to say your thing. 476 00:16:23,710 --> 00:16:26,830 The kids are starting to take care of one another. 477 00:16:26,830 --> 00:16:28,420 If I'm not available, 478 00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:30,250 they will turn to each other and not me. 479 00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:32,210 That means I get more breaks! 480 00:16:32,210 --> 00:16:34,170 I'm gonna go check on Doris. 481 00:16:34,170 --> 00:16:35,960 She went pretty hard last night, passed out. 482 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,670 Wait, what's the bad news? 483 00:16:37,670 --> 00:16:40,250 Anna-Kat is a terrible liar. 484 00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:43,040 Once again, this reflects poorly on me as a mother. 485 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:48,790 ♪♪ 486 00:16:48,790 --> 00:16:50,290 Aah! Oh, dear! 487 00:16:50,290 --> 00:16:51,290 [ Laughs ] 488 00:16:51,290 --> 00:16:53,380 [ Sighs ] Ah! 489 00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:54,500 Come on, Lonnie! 490 00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:56,380 You've done this same prank so many times! 491 00:16:56,380 --> 00:16:58,250 No, this one's totally different. 492 00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:00,830 I'm a lady gorilla. Didn't you notice the bikini? 493 00:17:00,830 --> 00:17:02,380 The future is female, bruh. 494 00:17:02,380 --> 00:17:03,960 I'm not doing your videos anymore. 495 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,540 The book isn't worth it. I'm a respected educator. 496 00:17:06,540 --> 00:17:08,290 My job is to make the world smarter. 497 00:17:08,290 --> 00:17:10,120 These videos are clearly only making it dumber. 498 00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:11,670 So, enough is enough. 499 00:17:11,670 --> 00:17:14,620 I'm Professor Otto, not Professor Badonkadonk! 500 00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:16,540 [ Dog barking in distance ] 501 00:17:16,540 --> 00:17:17,750 Don't worry, folks. He doesn't mean it. 502 00:17:17,750 --> 00:17:19,170 It's Opposite Day. 503 00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:20,380 Greg: I said it would never be Opposite Day! 504 00:17:20,380 --> 00:17:22,830 Yeah, but you said it on Opposite Day! 505 00:17:22,830 --> 00:17:29,580 ♪♪ 506 00:17:29,580 --> 00:17:33,000 You did some damage last night. 507 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:36,250 [ Groans lightly ] 508 00:17:36,250 --> 00:17:38,960 I'm miserable being divorced. 509 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,170 I had a feeling. 510 00:17:41,170 --> 00:17:42,540 Why didn't you say something? 511 00:17:42,540 --> 00:17:43,500 Pbht! 512 00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:46,330 You know that I'm here for you. 513 00:17:46,330 --> 00:17:50,120 Yeah. I do. [ Chuckles ] 514 00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:52,540 Okay. [ Sighs ] 515 00:17:52,540 --> 00:17:54,620 Look, I know you said no kid talk last night... 516 00:17:54,620 --> 00:17:56,580 Mm-hmm. ...but I want to tell you something, 517 00:17:56,580 --> 00:18:00,080 and this isn't easy for me to say -- 518 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:04,500 Oliver is really becoming... 519 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,920 less hateable. 520 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,500 Are you trying to tell me 521 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,710 that you are starting to like him? 522 00:18:10,710 --> 00:18:12,080 No. Never! 523 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:16,000 I'm just saying he's... detestable lite. 524 00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:19,250 I was in a bad way yesterday, 525 00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:22,210 and he really helped me through something. 526 00:18:22,210 --> 00:18:25,920 Parenting is such a grind, 527 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,170 but then someone comes along and tells you 528 00:18:28,170 --> 00:18:30,830 that your son is a good kid -- 529 00:18:30,830 --> 00:18:32,330 I never said "good kid." 530 00:18:32,330 --> 00:18:34,040 It makes you not want to pretend 531 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,380 that you don't have them anymore. 532 00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:38,620 I'm glad I could help. 533 00:18:38,620 --> 00:18:40,880 Now I really got to do something about this hangover. 534 00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:46,330 [ Pounding on door ] 535 00:18:46,330 --> 00:18:49,330 Oliver, quit doing gross boy stuff! 536 00:18:49,330 --> 00:18:51,170 I need you to drive me to Taco Bell! 537 00:18:51,170 --> 00:18:56,250 ♪♪ 538 00:18:56,250 --> 00:18:58,620 [ Indistinct conversations ] 539 00:19:01,420 --> 00:19:02,380 You're here for John Stuart Mill: 540 00:19:02,380 --> 00:19:03,830 An Intro to Utilitarianism? 541 00:19:03,830 --> 00:19:05,580 Damn straight! 542 00:19:05,580 --> 00:19:06,620 Okay. 543 00:19:06,620 --> 00:19:07,960 Wow. 544 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,620 Well, welcome, everyone. 545 00:19:09,620 --> 00:19:10,920 [ Students cheer ] 546 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:11,960 Dude, say, "Oh, dear!" 547 00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,250 Oh. 548 00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:22,790 My name is Professor Otto. 549 00:19:22,790 --> 00:19:24,080 [ Marker squeaks ] 550 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,420 -This sucks. -Get outta here. 551 00:19:35,580 --> 00:19:39,620 The cornerstone of Mill's philosophy 552 00:19:39,620 --> 00:19:41,210 is the greatest happiness 553 00:19:41,210 --> 00:19:42,710 for the greatest number of people 554 00:19:42,710 --> 00:19:45,000 should be the guiding principle of any conduct. 555 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:45,750 [ Marker cap clicks ] 556 00:19:45,750 --> 00:19:47,080 With that in mind, 557 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:48,750 I give you... 558 00:19:48,750 --> 00:19:50,000 Man: Badonkadonk! 559 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,170 [ Cheers and applause ] 560 00:19:51,170 --> 00:19:53,710 Date my mom, Professor Badonkadonk! 561 00:19:53,710 --> 00:19:56,250 Whoo! Badonkadonk! 562 00:19:56,250 --> 00:19:57,920 Let's get started. 563 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:00,750 ♪♪ 564 00:20:00,750 --> 00:20:03,170 I think this is the last of your old stuff. 565 00:20:03,170 --> 00:20:05,120 Sorry I stole your room for a little while. 566 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,750 It's okay, Mom. 567 00:20:06,750 --> 00:20:08,920 Mood swings are very common for a woman your age, 568 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,580 as well as hot flashes and... 569 00:20:10,580 --> 00:20:12,170 Anna-Kat, I'm not even 40! 570 00:20:12,170 --> 00:20:13,620 ...irritability. 571 00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:15,080 Moving on. 572 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,420 Dad and I talked about it, 573 00:20:17,420 --> 00:20:20,040 and we are going to find a way to buy you some of that stuff 574 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:21,500 that you want for your big girl room. 575 00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,120 Are you serious? Mm-hmm. 576 00:20:25,670 --> 00:20:26,790 Thanks, Mom. 577 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,750 I don't care what anyone else says -- 578 00:20:31,750 --> 00:20:34,120 I think you're handling menopause with a lot of grace. 579 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:37,540 ♪♪ 580 00:20:40,790 --> 00:20:43,500 [ Muffled ] Well, I guess in the end, 581 00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:45,670 I married the person I thought my parents wanted me to marry. 582 00:20:45,670 --> 00:20:47,420 Not the man I wanted to marry. 583 00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:49,380 I thought you were supposed to talk to my mom about this stuff. 584 00:20:49,380 --> 00:20:51,420 Well, she doesn't always have the best advice. 585 00:20:51,420 --> 00:20:52,580 Plus, she doesn't know anything about divorce. 586 00:20:52,580 --> 00:20:54,210 And I do? 587 00:20:54,210 --> 00:20:57,250 Well, you're very familiar with loneliness, I imagine. 588 00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:59,290 For your information, I am single by choice. 589 00:20:59,290 --> 00:21:01,710 [ Scoffs ] Yeah, other people's choice. 590 00:21:01,710 --> 00:21:03,620 [ Laughs ] 591 00:21:03,620 --> 00:21:05,620 I see you're feeling better. 592 00:21:05,620 --> 00:21:08,920 ♪♪ 39097

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