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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:14,699 --> 00:01:19,699 Subtitles by explosiveskull @ subs4free.info 2 00:01:35,780 --> 00:01:38,315 Hey, Dee. Did you find them? 3 00:01:39,951 --> 00:01:40,952 Yeah. 4 00:01:41,919 --> 00:01:42,920 Yeah, I got them right here. 5 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:49,727 You coming to the show tonight? 6 00:01:50,962 --> 00:01:52,663 I don't know. 7 00:01:53,630 --> 00:01:54,697 Probably not. 8 00:01:54,699 --> 00:01:55,865 You love the comedy nights. 9 00:01:58,102 --> 00:02:00,002 - It's supposed to snow. - They said maybe tomorrow. 10 00:02:00,004 --> 00:02:02,071 - Yeah, I know. - So you should come. 11 00:02:02,073 --> 00:02:03,538 I know. 12 00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:04,776 Oh, hey, I gotcha something. 13 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:10,614 - Thanks. - I was at a bookstore in Duluth a couple weeks ago. 14 00:02:11,581 --> 00:02:15,552 - Do you have that one? - No, and I have a few. 15 00:02:16,687 --> 00:02:18,788 - Thanks, Ruthie. - No problem. 16 00:02:18,790 --> 00:02:19,857 It was like 50 cents. 17 00:02:23,027 --> 00:02:24,061 Oh, oh. 18 00:02:25,263 --> 00:02:28,496 - Hey. - Hey. Have you left work yet? 19 00:02:28,498 --> 00:02:30,733 No, uh, about another half hour or so. 20 00:02:30,735 --> 00:02:32,367 Oh, good, glad I caught you. 21 00:02:32,369 --> 00:02:33,501 Uh, you think you could stop 22 00:02:33,503 --> 00:02:34,538 by Tom's on the way home? 23 00:02:35,706 --> 00:02:36,872 I checked this morning and you're way past 24 00:02:36,874 --> 00:02:37,875 due on the oil. 25 00:02:38,776 --> 00:02:39,844 Yeah, I could do that. 26 00:02:40,945 --> 00:02:42,510 Oh, good. Uh, better today than tomorrow. 27 00:02:42,512 --> 00:02:43,781 It's supposed to snow, you know. 28 00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:45,948 Yeah, I know, I know. 29 00:02:45,950 --> 00:02:48,019 So, uh, does this mean I still have to pick up the girls? 30 00:02:48,719 --> 00:02:50,054 Yeah, yeah, if you don't mind. 31 00:02:51,621 --> 00:02:52,824 No, I don't mind. 32 00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:54,990 Okay, I'll see you at home. 33 00:02:54,992 --> 00:02:55,893 Love you. 34 00:02:56,861 --> 00:02:57,829 Love you. 35 00:03:00,798 --> 00:03:01,699 Hey. 36 00:03:02,465 --> 00:03:03,668 Should I get a tattoo? 37 00:03:04,467 --> 00:03:05,435 I want to get a tattoo. 38 00:03:05,870 --> 00:03:07,672 - What's stopping you? - My mom. 39 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:09,339 Your mom? 40 00:03:10,574 --> 00:03:13,108 Ruthie, you're 23-years-old. 41 00:03:13,110 --> 00:03:14,576 Twenty two. 42 00:03:14,578 --> 00:03:16,078 Her house, her rules. 43 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,645 Then get it somewhere where she can't see it. 44 00:03:17,647 --> 00:03:19,114 Like where, like between my toes? 45 00:03:19,116 --> 00:03:20,716 No, like in your vagina. 46 00:03:20,718 --> 00:03:22,019 And I don't mean like around it, 47 00:03:23,054 --> 00:03:25,656 I mean like... inside it. 48 00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:28,123 - Like get in there. - Like... 49 00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:29,624 ...that sounds really painful. 50 00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,026 No, it's not painful at all up there. 51 00:03:31,028 --> 00:03:32,862 Have you gotten a tattoo inside your vagina? 52 00:03:32,864 --> 00:03:35,630 Yes, I have. I've got like the constellations. 53 00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:37,599 You know, it's sort of like an observatory up there. 54 00:03:37,601 --> 00:03:39,902 Like the Milky Way, Big Dipper. 55 00:03:39,904 --> 00:03:42,204 Wait, so what, what should mine be then? 56 00:03:42,206 --> 00:03:44,073 You should get like a groundhog up there. 57 00:03:44,075 --> 00:03:45,542 - I like that. - Yeah. 58 00:03:45,977 --> 00:03:47,776 That way, you know, you'll know, 59 00:03:47,778 --> 00:03:48,944 - it's spring. - It's spring. 60 00:03:48,946 --> 00:03:50,447 Fuck this! 61 00:03:50,915 --> 00:03:53,084 Cold as fuck. 62 00:03:58,189 --> 00:04:00,523 Hi. Sorry. 63 00:04:01,625 --> 00:04:02,559 Cold outside. 64 00:04:03,794 --> 00:04:07,031 - Checking in? - Yeah. Uh, Tim Fletcher for two nights. 65 00:04:07,631 --> 00:04:08,833 Oh, you're the comedian. 66 00:04:09,934 --> 00:04:11,836 - Yeah. - Very edgy. 67 00:04:16,140 --> 00:04:19,810 - You think so? - Yeah, you got a real Steve Gutenberg thing going on. 68 00:04:20,711 --> 00:04:21,611 Wow, you're old. 69 00:04:24,682 --> 00:04:28,483 Okay. You're going to be in room 109. That's on the first floor. 70 00:04:28,485 --> 00:04:31,689 - Oh, you guys have the ones on the first floor. - Yes, sir! 71 00:04:32,489 --> 00:04:33,822 Can we help you with anything else? 72 00:04:33,824 --> 00:04:35,590 Um, actually, if there's a liquor store 73 00:04:35,592 --> 00:04:37,793 that would be helpful, and maybe fast food. 74 00:04:37,795 --> 00:04:40,029 But not like those local kitschy kind, 75 00:04:40,031 --> 00:04:42,064 like from Food Network. 76 00:04:42,066 --> 00:04:44,934 Maybe some chains with poison to fuel my body. 77 00:04:44,936 --> 00:04:45,935 Okay. 78 00:04:45,937 --> 00:04:47,202 Well, there's the, um, 79 00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:49,171 Chocolate Mousse on Third Avenue. 80 00:04:49,173 --> 00:04:51,641 Their Big Moose Combo will change your life. 81 00:04:52,076 --> 00:04:53,709 Or if you're in the mood for some breakfast, 82 00:04:53,711 --> 00:04:55,277 the Angler's Hungry Man, that'll do you right. 83 00:04:55,279 --> 00:04:57,512 And then if you want liquor you can go 84 00:04:57,514 --> 00:04:59,148 to Bootlegger's, that's on Second Avenue which is... 85 00:04:59,150 --> 00:05:00,215 Do you have GPS? 86 00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:02,117 No, I'm a caveman. 87 00:05:02,119 --> 00:05:04,253 I was recently unfrozen, so. 88 00:05:04,255 --> 00:05:07,022 Oh, wow, then you're older than I am. 89 00:05:07,024 --> 00:05:08,092 Do you know Pauly Shore? 90 00:05:08,726 --> 00:05:09,658 He wishes. 91 00:05:09,660 --> 00:05:10,828 These should work. 92 00:05:13,831 --> 00:05:14,799 Thank you. 93 00:05:15,166 --> 00:05:16,566 Have a nice day. 94 00:05:17,001 --> 00:05:18,035 Don't tell me what to do. 95 00:05:20,004 --> 00:05:22,805 You know, they say once you visit International Falls, 96 00:05:22,807 --> 00:05:23,939 it's hard to leave. 97 00:05:23,941 --> 00:05:25,107 Well, they said the same thing 98 00:05:25,109 --> 00:05:27,309 about Siberia under Stalin, so. 99 00:05:27,311 --> 00:05:28,713 We'll see. 100 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,182 He seems like a dick. 101 00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,950 Yeah, most of them are. 102 00:05:34,952 --> 00:05:35,920 Have you heard of him? 103 00:05:36,654 --> 00:05:37,688 No. 104 00:05:38,723 --> 00:05:40,122 We don't get the kind of people you've heard of. 105 00:06:14,959 --> 00:06:16,859 I can't do it. Hold on, hold on one second. 106 00:06:16,861 --> 00:06:17,862 I'm, I'm... 107 00:06:19,063 --> 00:06:21,966 But I'm hungry and I don't want to eat chicken nuggets. 108 00:06:25,169 --> 00:06:27,102 Hey, it's me. 109 00:06:27,104 --> 00:06:28,939 I am checking in. 110 00:06:29,740 --> 00:06:30,741 Give me a call. 111 00:06:32,043 --> 00:06:34,143 Okay, okay, okay. 112 00:06:52,763 --> 00:06:53,964 Oh, cold out there, isn't it? 113 00:06:55,166 --> 00:06:56,298 - Hello. - Some people don't like to go out in the cold. 114 00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:57,933 I don't mind it, I can... 115 00:06:57,935 --> 00:07:00,204 Sometimes I just sit out there and drink a pop. 116 00:07:00,838 --> 00:07:04,641 - I see. - We stay, ah, open, ah, during the week really late. 117 00:07:05,276 --> 00:07:07,311 So if you need to come back here, you know. 118 00:07:08,112 --> 00:07:12,014 You smoke? We got some, um, cigarette stuffs up here, uh, 119 00:07:12,016 --> 00:07:13,851 if you do. I, I stopped... 120 00:07:14,718 --> 00:07:17,052 smoking. They say it can give you cancer. 121 00:07:17,054 --> 00:07:18,055 I don't want that again. 122 00:07:20,157 --> 00:07:22,860 I think I'm just going to go with, um, the vodka. 123 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,595 - Oh, okay. - Uh, any special kind? 124 00:07:26,163 --> 00:07:27,830 I think vodka's vodka. 125 00:07:27,832 --> 00:07:29,698 Well, it's not, but I'll give you 126 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:30,935 one of my favorites, okay? 127 00:07:32,303 --> 00:07:34,937 Ah. Ah. 128 00:07:34,939 --> 00:07:36,405 Hmm, love this stuff. 129 00:07:36,407 --> 00:07:37,739 Anything else? 130 00:07:37,741 --> 00:07:40,008 Maybe, uh, a really good scotch. 131 00:07:40,010 --> 00:07:42,111 Oh, yes, there is, sir. 132 00:07:44,115 --> 00:07:47,850 Not cheap, but this is the good stuff right here. 133 00:07:47,852 --> 00:07:49,954 - Only the best. - Yeah. Anything else? 134 00:07:52,189 --> 00:07:54,058 You know what? Can I have this guy too? 135 00:07:54,425 --> 00:07:56,358 Aw. 136 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,196 Somebody has a soft spot, huh? 137 00:07:59,830 --> 00:08:02,798 So, uh, you, uh, from around here? 138 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,135 No, just passing through. 139 00:08:04,702 --> 00:08:06,804 Yeah, what, uh, business are you in? 140 00:08:07,338 --> 00:08:08,405 I'm in plastics. 141 00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:11,740 I'm joking. 142 00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:13,110 - Oh. - I'm a comedian. 143 00:08:13,711 --> 00:08:15,410 Oh. 144 00:08:15,412 --> 00:08:17,946 I'm doing a couple shows, uh, tonight and tomorrow night. 145 00:08:17,948 --> 00:08:19,316 - Oh, at the hotel. - Yeah. 146 00:08:19,884 --> 00:08:21,316 You know, my husband and I, 147 00:08:21,318 --> 00:08:24,019 we have been meaning to go to one of those. 148 00:08:24,021 --> 00:08:25,890 I wouldn't bother. I'm not very good. 149 00:08:29,393 --> 00:08:31,162 No, I, I, I'm really not very good. 150 00:08:33,364 --> 00:08:36,100 Okay, okay. All right, uh. 151 00:08:37,368 --> 00:08:39,103 So, uh, well. 152 00:08:40,237 --> 00:08:41,305 I wish you a lot of luck. 153 00:08:43,140 --> 00:08:44,473 You know what they say. 154 00:08:44,475 --> 00:08:46,041 Once you visit International Falls... 155 00:08:46,043 --> 00:08:47,409 You don't want to leave. 156 00:08:47,411 --> 00:08:49,811 Yes! You, 157 00:08:49,813 --> 00:08:50,946 you know. 158 00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:52,449 Well, just you watch me. 159 00:08:59,156 --> 00:09:01,423 Hey! 160 00:09:01,425 --> 00:09:02,925 - Dad! - Daddy! 161 00:09:02,927 --> 00:09:04,459 Hey, there's my girls. 162 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:05,894 Hey. 163 00:09:05,896 --> 00:09:07,329 - Hey, there, beautiful. - Hey. 164 00:09:07,331 --> 00:09:08,330 How was school today? 165 00:09:08,332 --> 00:09:10,132 - Good. - Boring. 166 00:09:10,134 --> 00:09:11,802 Okay, get in there, finish your food. 167 00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:15,504 Hey, thanks a lot for taking care of the car today. 168 00:09:15,506 --> 00:09:18,106 Boy, I didn't know when I was going to get around to that. 169 00:09:18,108 --> 00:09:20,175 - Yeah. - Yeah, oh, boy, look at this. 170 00:09:20,177 --> 00:09:21,378 This is yummy, huh? 171 00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:28,317 That's why sometimes you need a push to take the plunge. 172 00:09:28,319 --> 00:09:31,053 Well, it sounds like you didn't give him a chance. 173 00:09:31,055 --> 00:09:32,856 This is so not my type. 174 00:09:34,058 --> 00:09:35,159 Got to give it to you. 175 00:09:35,859 --> 00:09:37,161 I know exactly what you mean. 176 00:09:40,798 --> 00:09:42,099 - Oh! - Fuck you. 177 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,068 A one, a two, a one, two, three, four! 178 00:09:46,070 --> 00:09:50,973 ♪ I want to stay inside and go Sledding down my stairs ♪ 179 00:09:50,975 --> 00:09:52,176 Guitar solo! 180 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,146 Mama! 181 00:09:58,148 --> 00:09:59,481 Mama, get in here, I need some help. 182 00:09:59,483 --> 00:10:01,018 We need some backup singers. 183 00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:02,753 Mommy, you okay? 184 00:10:03,354 --> 00:10:06,288 Yeah, yeah. Um, 185 00:10:06,290 --> 00:10:08,156 uh, would you mind if I went back and, and watched 186 00:10:08,158 --> 00:10:09,258 the comedy show tonight? 187 00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:10,859 I could use a laugh. 188 00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:11,762 Oh. 189 00:10:12,296 --> 00:10:13,197 Yeah, sure. 190 00:10:15,466 --> 00:10:18,302 Where were you when I was getting the oil changed? 191 00:10:19,403 --> 00:10:20,304 Work. 192 00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:22,773 I was at work. 193 00:10:29,580 --> 00:10:30,846 I'm going to go get ready. 194 00:10:32,616 --> 00:10:34,051 Oh, my God. 195 00:10:34,418 --> 00:10:36,053 Oh, my God, oh. 196 00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:52,803 Okay. 197 00:10:55,105 --> 00:10:56,307 No, hey, hey. 198 00:10:58,242 --> 00:10:59,176 Yeah, that Siberia, 199 00:10:59,643 --> 00:11:01,378 Siberia joke was not funny. 200 00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:09,351 Aw, look at all those enthusiastic faces out there. 201 00:11:09,353 --> 00:11:10,952 - Everybody got your drinks? - Fuck it. 202 00:11:10,954 --> 00:11:12,387 - Great. - Fuck it. 203 00:11:12,389 --> 00:11:13,955 All right, it's time to welcome 204 00:11:13,957 --> 00:11:15,924 our headliner to the stage. 205 00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:18,894 This guy's been doing standup for a long time. 206 00:11:18,896 --> 00:11:22,364 You've seen him on HBO, Comedy Central, and many more. 207 00:11:22,366 --> 00:11:26,201 Please, make a lot of noise for Mr. Tim Fletcher. 208 00:11:28,372 --> 00:11:30,040 - Thanks, man. - Go kill it. 209 00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:35,312 What's up! Oh, oh, stop it, stop it. It's too much. 210 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,614 It's too much, I mean it, I mean it. 211 00:11:38,248 --> 00:11:41,550 Uh, keep it going. Keep it going for your opener, uh, Taylor. 212 00:11:43,921 --> 00:11:45,954 Oh, it's Trevor, Trevor. 213 00:11:45,956 --> 00:11:48,090 Sorry, these kids with their names. 214 00:11:48,092 --> 00:11:50,058 It's like they all have different names now. 215 00:11:50,060 --> 00:11:51,694 Uh, yeah, I'm looking around the room, 216 00:11:51,696 --> 00:11:53,495 I see some familiar faces. 217 00:11:53,497 --> 00:11:54,465 Hello and welcome. 218 00:11:55,700 --> 00:12:00,703 Um, it's very nice to be here in International Falls. Um. 219 00:12:00,705 --> 00:12:06,274 I love to get away from the rat race of Duluth, you know? 220 00:12:06,276 --> 00:12:08,076 Duluth is the future. 221 00:12:08,078 --> 00:12:11,213 I mean, they just got landlines. 222 00:12:11,215 --> 00:12:14,151 So, good for Duluth, good for Duluth. Um. 223 00:12:15,018 --> 00:12:16,451 Who here is married? 224 00:12:16,453 --> 00:12:18,188 I'm married. Go ahead, get them up. 225 00:12:18,555 --> 00:12:20,188 Get them up, no shame there. 226 00:12:20,190 --> 00:12:21,490 Yeah, this guy's married? 227 00:12:21,492 --> 00:12:22,725 Okay, I find that hard to believe. 228 00:12:22,727 --> 00:12:25,093 You look like a murderer. Um. 229 00:12:25,095 --> 00:12:27,931 But, uh, I like being married, I really do. Um. 230 00:12:28,499 --> 00:12:30,432 But being married changes things. 231 00:12:30,434 --> 00:12:33,937 It, uh, for me it changed, uh, guys' night. 232 00:12:34,304 --> 00:12:39,274 I liked hearing about their sexual conquests, you know? 233 00:12:39,276 --> 00:12:42,179 I was like Cookie Monster. I was just like. 234 00:12:43,748 --> 00:12:45,916 Tell me more, you know, I want all that shit. 235 00:12:46,450 --> 00:12:49,985 Now, invariably, someone does this to me. 236 00:12:49,987 --> 00:12:56,291 Someone, someone says, "You know, Tim, I was, uh, I was having sex last night. 237 00:12:56,293 --> 00:12:59,628 I was having a lot of strange sex last night, 238 00:12:59,630 --> 00:13:01,363 and it was great, it was great. 239 00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:04,332 She was a model, probably never see her again. 240 00:13:04,334 --> 00:13:07,705 Totally hot, totally great body. 241 00:13:09,072 --> 00:13:10,340 But Tim, you're so lucky. 242 00:13:11,542 --> 00:13:12,609 You're so lucky." 243 00:13:13,277 --> 00:13:15,612 And I'm like, "What? 244 00:13:16,714 --> 00:13:18,248 I mean, how, how am I lucky?" 245 00:13:19,349 --> 00:13:22,617 "Because you're married and that's beautiful." 246 00:13:22,619 --> 00:13:25,755 And I'm like, "Dude, don't do this. 247 00:13:25,757 --> 00:13:27,289 Not on guys' night. 248 00:13:27,291 --> 00:13:29,491 Don't you ruin guys' night for me. 249 00:13:29,493 --> 00:13:31,694 Now's not the time to be telling me 250 00:13:31,696 --> 00:13:34,797 how much you admire my commitment to my wife. 251 00:13:34,799 --> 00:13:38,734 Tomorrow when you find out that it burns when you pee. 252 00:13:38,736 --> 00:13:42,304 Yeah, then you can tell me how swell my marriage is, 253 00:13:42,306 --> 00:13:44,174 but not tonight, not tonight." 254 00:13:48,312 --> 00:13:49,213 Hey. 255 00:13:50,214 --> 00:13:51,114 Hello. 256 00:13:52,149 --> 00:13:53,317 You were funny tonight. 257 00:13:54,318 --> 00:13:56,086 Oh, thank you. 258 00:13:58,322 --> 00:13:59,623 Mm-hmm. 259 00:14:07,732 --> 00:14:08,700 Keep going. 260 00:14:14,706 --> 00:14:17,140 Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. 261 00:14:29,286 --> 00:14:30,320 Thank you so much. 262 00:14:31,255 --> 00:14:33,056 Yeah. Yeah. 263 00:14:34,859 --> 00:14:36,460 Yeah. 264 00:14:36,861 --> 00:14:38,360 Can I get you a towel? 265 00:14:38,362 --> 00:14:40,295 Uh, no, no, I can just use the sheet. 266 00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:41,231 It's okay. 267 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:45,703 Well, thank you, that was really nice. 268 00:14:46,570 --> 00:14:47,504 It was really great. 269 00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:53,608 What? 270 00:14:53,610 --> 00:14:54,511 The, uh. 271 00:14:55,512 --> 00:14:58,448 - It was great. - Oh, uh, yeah, well, you know. 272 00:14:59,449 --> 00:15:00,450 It's not rocket science. 273 00:15:01,618 --> 00:15:03,151 - It is if you think about it. - Yeah, I try not to think 274 00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:04,553 about that, so. 275 00:15:04,555 --> 00:15:06,323 Yeah, I guess it is a little bit gross. 276 00:15:07,357 --> 00:15:08,325 Uh... 277 00:15:08,893 --> 00:15:10,127 yeah. 278 00:15:14,264 --> 00:15:15,332 Uh, do you want a drink? 279 00:15:18,903 --> 00:15:20,803 - Do you want a drink? - Uh, no. 280 00:15:20,805 --> 00:15:21,839 No, sorry. 281 00:15:22,539 --> 00:15:23,675 Uh, I have to go. 282 00:15:25,509 --> 00:15:26,410 Oh. 283 00:15:27,144 --> 00:15:29,210 Uh, okay. 284 00:15:29,212 --> 00:15:31,114 Um, do you think you're okay to drive? 285 00:15:31,615 --> 00:15:34,184 Uh, yeah, yes, uh. 286 00:15:35,252 --> 00:15:36,253 Yeah, I'm not drunk. 287 00:15:36,854 --> 00:15:38,587 You seemed kind of drunk before. 288 00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:40,591 Yes, I know. I was pretending. 289 00:15:43,795 --> 00:15:45,697 It's so. 290 00:15:47,497 --> 00:15:49,399 Why did I do that? Why did I act drunk? 291 00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:51,501 Because it works? 292 00:15:57,341 --> 00:15:58,241 Okay. 293 00:16:24,501 --> 00:16:25,968 Please leave your message. 294 00:16:25,970 --> 00:16:27,537 Hey, it's me. 295 00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:29,674 I was just hoping to talk to him. 296 00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,142 Uh, can you guys give me a call, please? 297 00:17:02,472 --> 00:17:03,706 Hey, babe. How was the show? 298 00:17:03,708 --> 00:17:04,907 Hey, uh, Ruthie got sick 299 00:17:04,909 --> 00:17:07,477 and, uh, needs me to cover for her. 300 00:17:08,245 --> 00:17:10,245 - All night? - Uh, yeah, afraid so. 301 00:17:10,247 --> 00:17:11,415 Oh, that stinks. 302 00:17:12,582 --> 00:17:13,548 You need me to bring you a change of clothes? 303 00:17:13,550 --> 00:17:15,483 Uh, no, it's okay, I got stuff at the hotel. 304 00:17:15,485 --> 00:17:17,387 Have a good night. Love you! 305 00:17:33,905 --> 00:17:35,372 I do want that drink. 306 00:17:36,573 --> 00:17:37,909 - Okay. - And that is all. 307 00:17:38,542 --> 00:17:39,742 Okay. 308 00:17:39,744 --> 00:17:40,878 I'm not going to fuck you. 309 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:44,947 - Cool. - And no more hand stuff either. 310 00:17:44,949 --> 00:17:46,347 That was horrible. 311 00:17:46,349 --> 00:17:47,852 I agree, that was horrible. 312 00:17:50,054 --> 00:17:51,486 Do you still want me to come in? 313 00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:52,690 More than ever. 314 00:17:55,827 --> 00:17:56,928 Okay. 315 00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:06,301 I have, uh, vodka or vodka. 316 00:18:06,303 --> 00:18:07,404 Or some scotch. 317 00:18:08,371 --> 00:18:10,240 Uh, vodka, please. 318 00:18:10,675 --> 00:18:11,508 Okay. 319 00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:16,679 So, um, I take it you're from around here. 320 00:18:16,681 --> 00:18:20,283 Uh, yeah, but I, I wasn't raised here. 321 00:18:20,785 --> 00:18:21,652 Oh, okay. 322 00:18:22,653 --> 00:18:23,821 And, um... 323 00:18:26,389 --> 00:18:28,525 what, what is your name? 324 00:18:32,997 --> 00:18:34,395 Are you serious? 325 00:18:34,397 --> 00:18:35,931 I don't think we said our names. 326 00:18:35,933 --> 00:18:37,902 We totally said our names. 327 00:18:41,005 --> 00:18:42,006 - What was it? - We to... 328 00:18:43,507 --> 00:18:44,639 Dee. 329 00:18:44,641 --> 00:18:45,908 - Dee. - Yeah. 330 00:18:45,910 --> 00:18:46,944 Short for? 331 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,577 Nothing, just unimaginative parents. 332 00:18:49,579 --> 00:18:51,682 Oh. Well, I'm Tim. 333 00:18:52,582 --> 00:18:53,816 Short for Timothy. 334 00:18:53,818 --> 00:18:54,984 - Yes. - Yes. 335 00:18:54,986 --> 00:18:57,487 I had very imaginative parents. 336 00:18:57,889 --> 00:19:00,522 Well, why aren't you drinking? 337 00:19:00,524 --> 00:19:02,524 Ah, just not much of a drinker. 338 00:19:02,526 --> 00:19:03,928 Yeah, clearly. 339 00:19:04,662 --> 00:19:05,562 Oh. 340 00:19:06,798 --> 00:19:09,767 I like to be prepared to drink, 341 00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:12,502 just in case a party breaks out. 342 00:19:13,905 --> 00:19:15,472 So, was that a lie in your act? 343 00:19:16,406 --> 00:19:18,674 I like to drink. In fact, I love to drink 344 00:19:18,676 --> 00:19:20,778 'cause I'm good at drinking. 345 00:19:21,145 --> 00:19:25,783 But drinking for me is not a sophisticated activity. 346 00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:28,385 You know those people that have, like, a sip. 347 00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:39,496 Oh, oh, oh. 348 00:19:39,931 --> 00:19:44,133 And they use words like oaky or bouquet. 349 00:19:44,135 --> 00:19:47,404 Those people, they make me want to... 350 00:19:48,773 --> 00:19:50,806 Well, they make me want to drink. 351 00:19:50,808 --> 00:19:53,510 They make me want to drink. In fact, I have to drink 352 00:19:53,911 --> 00:19:55,512 if I hang out with those people. 353 00:19:55,980 --> 00:19:58,646 Okay, so, when a comedian says, 354 00:19:58,648 --> 00:20:00,749 "I went to the DMV yesterday." 355 00:20:00,751 --> 00:20:03,085 Yeah, that's, that's bullshit. 356 00:20:03,087 --> 00:20:05,154 I mean, he may have gone to the DMV at some point, 357 00:20:05,156 --> 00:20:07,457 but definitely wasn't yesterday. 358 00:20:07,859 --> 00:20:09,459 Then why say yesterday? 359 00:20:09,827 --> 00:20:11,160 I don't know, I guess it's funnier than saying, 360 00:20:11,162 --> 00:20:13,028 "I went to the DMV last year." 361 00:20:13,030 --> 00:20:14,830 Yeah, well, I think it would be more funny. 362 00:20:14,832 --> 00:20:16,765 Then you're making fun of the structure of the joke, 363 00:20:16,767 --> 00:20:19,434 in which case you'd be an alt comic, 364 00:20:19,436 --> 00:20:21,636 but what happened in the DMV has nothing 365 00:20:21,638 --> 00:20:22,671 to do with the punchline. 366 00:20:22,673 --> 00:20:23,774 So then why tell the joke? 367 00:20:24,775 --> 00:20:25,910 That's a good question. 368 00:20:26,576 --> 00:20:27,477 So. 369 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,917 So was everything in your act a lie? 370 00:20:33,516 --> 00:20:34,417 No. 371 00:20:36,087 --> 00:20:37,552 So you're married. 372 00:20:37,554 --> 00:20:38,888 Yeah, technically. 373 00:20:38,890 --> 00:20:39,991 I'm separated. 374 00:20:41,125 --> 00:20:44,128 Divorce papers being drafted as we speak. 375 00:20:45,162 --> 00:20:46,063 I'm sorry. 376 00:20:47,464 --> 00:20:48,132 Yeah. 377 00:20:48,866 --> 00:20:50,134 And you're married. 378 00:20:50,935 --> 00:20:51,836 Yes. 379 00:20:53,804 --> 00:20:54,939 Two daughters. 380 00:21:01,478 --> 00:21:03,679 - Well, that's out of the way. - Yeah, yeah. 381 00:21:03,681 --> 00:21:05,047 Yeah. Thought that would be awkward. 382 00:21:05,049 --> 00:21:07,082 No, no. 383 00:21:07,084 --> 00:21:08,618 No, it's not awkward. That's... 384 00:21:09,854 --> 00:21:11,153 that's why I'm having so much fun. 385 00:21:11,155 --> 00:21:13,556 - Yeah, right? - Yes. 386 00:21:16,526 --> 00:21:17,695 Do you have any drugs? 387 00:21:19,864 --> 00:21:20,765 Um. 388 00:21:22,066 --> 00:21:23,265 I have Xanax. 389 00:21:23,267 --> 00:21:24,601 Oh, do you have anxiety issues? 390 00:21:25,036 --> 00:21:26,704 I mean, not diagnosed. 391 00:21:28,272 --> 00:21:30,906 These are actually my wife's. I steal them from her when I pick up my son, 392 00:21:30,908 --> 00:21:33,175 little by little. Put them in my men's 393 00:21:33,177 --> 00:21:35,578 multivitamin with testosterone booster. 394 00:21:36,013 --> 00:21:37,214 - Sneaky. - Yeah. 395 00:21:37,949 --> 00:21:39,850 - Can I have half of one? - Tell you what. 396 00:21:40,751 --> 00:21:44,753 I'll give you a whole one and you can portion it out 397 00:21:44,755 --> 00:21:46,223 however you see fit. 398 00:21:46,924 --> 00:21:47,825 Thank you. 399 00:21:52,296 --> 00:21:53,798 My husband's cheating on me. 400 00:21:55,666 --> 00:21:56,566 Oh. 401 00:21:58,102 --> 00:21:59,902 Well, then he sounds like a real asshole. 402 00:21:59,904 --> 00:22:01,939 Yeah, I'm one to talk. 403 00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:04,807 Does he know that you know? 404 00:22:04,809 --> 00:22:07,610 Nope, it's just been business as usual. 405 00:22:08,913 --> 00:22:10,079 For how long? 406 00:22:10,081 --> 00:22:11,814 - Almost a year. - Really? 407 00:22:11,816 --> 00:22:13,682 Yeah, I've been watching it continue to happen 408 00:22:13,684 --> 00:22:14,885 like a television show. 409 00:22:17,421 --> 00:22:18,856 I thought I was good at nurturing misery. 410 00:22:19,790 --> 00:22:20,825 How'd you find out? 411 00:22:22,827 --> 00:22:26,128 He left an email open on the family computer and I've been... 412 00:22:26,130 --> 00:22:28,897 - Okay. - ...checking his account daily. 413 00:22:28,899 --> 00:22:31,166 No offense, but your husband doesn't sound too bright. 414 00:22:31,168 --> 00:22:32,502 None taken. 415 00:22:36,606 --> 00:22:38,107 Um, I actually have to take this. 416 00:22:38,109 --> 00:22:40,177 - Oh. - That's okay, you stay right here. 417 00:22:41,112 --> 00:22:42,146 Okay. 418 00:22:43,147 --> 00:22:45,116 Hey, what the fuck? I've been trying to get... 419 00:22:46,183 --> 00:22:47,818 Well, how about a text message then? 420 00:22:49,220 --> 00:22:50,221 Well, for fuck's sake. 421 00:22:51,689 --> 00:22:52,757 I'm checking in. 422 00:22:54,992 --> 00:22:56,794 I don't know, um. 423 00:22:57,728 --> 00:22:59,096 I can overnight the checks. 424 00:23:00,197 --> 00:23:01,766 I said I'll overnight them. 425 00:23:02,733 --> 00:23:04,001 Is he asleep already? 426 00:23:07,038 --> 00:23:09,707 Oh, fuck. That was today? 427 00:23:10,941 --> 00:23:12,043 I missed it? 428 00:23:13,878 --> 00:23:17,014 No, I will, yeah, I got him a little, like, stuffed moose. 429 00:23:18,115 --> 00:23:21,018 A moose from Minnesota. 430 00:23:21,819 --> 00:23:22,753 No. 431 00:23:23,721 --> 00:23:25,555 No, don't wake him. 432 00:23:27,024 --> 00:23:28,259 What's he sleeping in? 433 00:23:29,693 --> 00:23:30,895 No, which pajamas. 434 00:23:33,097 --> 00:23:35,632 Aw, he loves those. 435 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,802 Can you just tell him that I called? 436 00:23:39,370 --> 00:23:40,603 All right, bye. 437 00:23:49,046 --> 00:23:50,014 So, which ones? 438 00:23:51,115 --> 00:23:52,316 What? 439 00:23:53,751 --> 00:23:54,652 Which pajamas? 440 00:23:56,220 --> 00:23:59,123 Oh, um, the dinosaurs. 441 00:24:01,859 --> 00:24:03,294 Because you're crazy about dinosaurs. 442 00:24:14,405 --> 00:24:15,706 Will you do me a favor? 443 00:24:16,407 --> 00:24:17,708 Maybe. 444 00:24:18,175 --> 00:24:19,877 Can you stomp on my cellphone? 445 00:24:20,444 --> 00:24:21,644 What? 446 00:24:22,645 --> 00:24:24,346 Well, you're wearing those sweet fucking boots 447 00:24:24,348 --> 00:24:26,215 and I don't really feel like putting my shoes back on, 448 00:24:26,217 --> 00:24:28,819 and it would mean a lot to me if you would stomp 449 00:24:29,753 --> 00:24:33,388 the fucking shit out of this goddamn cellphone. 450 00:24:33,390 --> 00:24:34,925 Not happy with your plan? 451 00:24:36,260 --> 00:24:37,361 Something like that. 452 00:24:39,396 --> 00:24:41,832 - Oh, you're serious? - Oh, I'm serious. 453 00:24:42,233 --> 00:24:43,334 I'll do it. 454 00:24:44,668 --> 00:24:46,902 - I want you to. - I think you just want to see if I'll do it, 455 00:24:46,904 --> 00:24:50,674 but I'm, I'm telling you I will, I will do it. 456 00:24:51,108 --> 00:24:52,774 Then quit talking about it and fuck... 457 00:25:04,288 --> 00:25:06,288 I can't believe you just fucking did that. 458 00:25:06,290 --> 00:25:07,723 Well. 459 00:25:07,725 --> 00:25:09,260 - That's my phone! - I call bluffs! 460 00:25:10,728 --> 00:25:11,862 You're lucky I wasn't bluffing. 461 00:25:15,499 --> 00:25:16,700 Do you need to get that? 462 00:25:17,434 --> 00:25:18,669 Yeah. 463 00:25:19,470 --> 00:25:21,003 Should I... 464 00:25:21,005 --> 00:25:22,740 - Yeah, you probably should go. - Oh. 465 00:25:23,207 --> 00:25:26,875 No, no, actually, just sit right there, please. 466 00:25:26,877 --> 00:25:28,846 And for God sakes, pour yourself a drink, would you? 467 00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:30,781 Okay, yeah. 468 00:25:31,448 --> 00:25:32,349 Hey. 469 00:25:33,484 --> 00:25:35,119 Uh, no. 470 00:25:36,020 --> 00:25:37,454 Well, why'd you call the front desk? 471 00:25:39,323 --> 00:25:42,324 No, well, she came back because she was feeling better 472 00:25:42,326 --> 00:25:44,061 and she just came back to finish her shift, so. 473 00:25:46,197 --> 00:25:48,766 No, I'm, I'm on my way home now. 474 00:25:49,900 --> 00:25:51,068 Yeah, okay. 475 00:25:52,203 --> 00:25:53,237 Okay, bye. 476 00:26:14,959 --> 00:26:17,328 Yeah, um, hey, ah. 477 00:26:18,329 --> 00:26:22,197 That was, um, that was, that was a lie. 478 00:26:22,199 --> 00:26:27,438 I'm actually still here and, um, I'm, I'm with a man 479 00:26:28,272 --> 00:26:31,540 and he's hilarious and he's going to help me 480 00:26:31,542 --> 00:26:36,280 figure out a way to kill your girlfriend, you fucking prick! 481 00:26:58,602 --> 00:27:00,871 Well, this bullshit just got real. 482 00:27:04,241 --> 00:27:06,010 I tell you what I like about Minnesota. 483 00:27:06,377 --> 00:27:10,078 I like all the layers of clothing that you guys wear. 484 00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:14,485 I really do. Because, because you know what I miss in this country? 485 00:27:15,586 --> 00:27:18,022 I miss shame. 486 00:27:18,455 --> 00:27:21,089 Just 'cause they make it in your size 487 00:27:21,091 --> 00:27:23,560 does not mean that you should wear it. 488 00:27:24,561 --> 00:27:30,868 Right? You know, I mean, if you got, if you got cleavage on your back, 489 00:27:31,568 --> 00:27:32,936 you cover it up. 490 00:27:34,071 --> 00:27:40,210 If you got a nice butt on your front, you cover it up. 491 00:27:40,611 --> 00:27:43,580 No, sir! I don't want to look at that. 492 00:27:45,282 --> 00:27:47,184 So, why don't you like alt comics? 493 00:27:47,584 --> 00:27:50,118 I never said I don't like alt comics. 494 00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:51,953 - Oh, so you like them. - No, I hate them. 495 00:27:51,955 --> 00:27:54,323 - Why? - Why? 496 00:27:54,325 --> 00:27:56,925 - Yeah. - Because they're younger than me 497 00:27:56,927 --> 00:27:59,561 - and they're cooler than me. - That's not why. Tell me. 498 00:27:59,563 --> 00:28:01,930 Because the joke of everyone and their jokes 499 00:28:01,932 --> 00:28:04,466 - is that they're telling a bad joke, right? - Yeah. 500 00:28:04,468 --> 00:28:07,102 So, we're just laughing at this dumb thing 501 00:28:07,104 --> 00:28:09,006 that we're experiencing instead of like... 502 00:28:09,373 --> 00:28:10,372 Experiencing it? 503 00:28:10,374 --> 00:28:11,408 - Right. - Ah. 504 00:28:12,576 --> 00:28:16,311 I mean, if we just keep making fun of making fun of shit, 505 00:28:16,313 --> 00:28:18,582 instead of actually making fun of shit, 506 00:28:19,216 --> 00:28:21,550 - what are we doing? - I think we're observing things 507 00:28:21,552 --> 00:28:23,552 that are like, right in front of our face, 508 00:28:23,554 --> 00:28:26,924 instead of just what's actually happening. 509 00:28:27,424 --> 00:28:29,157 Uh, I don't know. 510 00:28:29,159 --> 00:28:31,326 You lost me. Where's your waffle maker? 511 00:28:31,328 --> 00:28:33,597 Um, over there, and the batter's underneath. 512 00:28:35,667 --> 00:28:39,203 Hey, do you know what, um, CFNM is? 513 00:28:39,570 --> 00:28:42,437 CFNM? Uh. Oh, is that like a porn thing? 514 00:28:42,439 --> 00:28:45,140 Yeah. But do you know what it actually means? 515 00:28:45,142 --> 00:28:47,010 No, I've always been too scared to click on it. 516 00:28:47,544 --> 00:28:50,414 What's the worst possible thing it could mean? 517 00:28:52,116 --> 00:28:55,119 Crying Faces Noisy Masturbators. 518 00:28:55,519 --> 00:28:57,988 Okay. Um. 519 00:28:58,656 --> 00:29:01,158 Cunnilingus For Nicki Minaj. 520 00:29:02,126 --> 00:29:03,992 Creepy Filthy Nasty Maids. 521 00:29:03,994 --> 00:29:05,661 Crispy Fried Nut Manglers. 522 00:29:05,663 --> 00:29:07,195 Oh. 523 00:29:07,197 --> 00:29:09,665 Cowboys Forcing Nipple Milk in. 524 00:29:09,667 --> 00:29:12,735 Cunts Fart Menstruating Nuns. 525 00:29:12,737 --> 00:29:15,472 Ooh, you win. 526 00:29:16,974 --> 00:29:18,741 My husband's into it big time. 527 00:29:18,743 --> 00:29:20,375 - Really? - Yep. 528 00:29:20,377 --> 00:29:22,077 But like, what does it actually stand for? 529 00:29:22,079 --> 00:29:24,381 Clothed Female Naked Male. 530 00:29:25,015 --> 00:29:27,983 - Clothed Female Naked Male? - Mm-hmm. Yeah. 531 00:29:27,985 --> 00:29:31,486 So just like, a naked dude and a dressed chick? 532 00:29:31,488 --> 00:29:34,356 It's like a naked dude and like several dressed chicks. 533 00:29:34,358 --> 00:29:37,426 But, you know, like, one of them is going down on him while 534 00:29:37,428 --> 00:29:39,261 the other one's maybe going to give him a handy. 535 00:29:39,263 --> 00:29:42,431 It's basically just, like, a real slutty bachelorette party 536 00:29:42,433 --> 00:29:44,232 that's gone off the rails. 537 00:29:44,234 --> 00:29:46,501 All right, well, I don't want to yuck anyone's yum, 538 00:29:46,503 --> 00:29:48,671 but that's his thing? 539 00:29:48,673 --> 00:29:49,973 Well, not with me. 540 00:29:50,340 --> 00:29:52,441 It's, it's just what I consistently 541 00:29:52,443 --> 00:29:54,109 see in his search browser. 542 00:29:54,111 --> 00:29:56,180 - Oh, you got to clear that shit. - I know, right? 543 00:29:57,181 --> 00:29:58,215 Excuse me, sir. 544 00:29:59,249 --> 00:30:01,483 Oh, hey, Ruthie. He's with me. You remember Tim. 545 00:30:01,485 --> 00:30:03,520 Oh, yeah. Hi there. 546 00:30:05,122 --> 00:30:07,222 Don't say that. She would be great. 547 00:30:07,224 --> 00:30:09,224 I'm not saying that she wouldn't be great, 548 00:30:09,226 --> 00:30:11,560 I'm saying that she wouldn't even want to do it. 549 00:30:11,562 --> 00:30:13,195 - Okay, so, why do you do it? - Because, 550 00:30:13,197 --> 00:30:15,132 I can't do anything else. I'm not capable. 551 00:30:15,632 --> 00:30:17,599 - Bullshit. - What do you mean, bullshit? 552 00:30:17,601 --> 00:30:19,301 - Do you have a day job? - No. 553 00:30:19,303 --> 00:30:21,737 You don't have to be mad at her, 554 00:30:21,739 --> 00:30:24,306 - it's a legitimate question. - Okay, look. 555 00:30:24,308 --> 00:30:27,242 There's a lot of guys like me that make a living, 556 00:30:27,244 --> 00:30:28,811 and just 'cause you don't know our names... 557 00:30:28,813 --> 00:30:31,379 Well, how'd you get on HBO or Comedy Central? 558 00:30:31,381 --> 00:30:33,281 - What? - No, they said it in your intro. 559 00:30:33,283 --> 00:30:34,585 Yeah, that's a lie. 560 00:30:35,219 --> 00:30:37,252 - Really? - You can do that? 561 00:30:37,254 --> 00:30:39,256 Lie? Yeah, you can lie. 562 00:30:39,691 --> 00:30:42,390 But I haven't had a day job in six years 563 00:30:42,392 --> 00:30:44,794 and I make all my money from being on the road. 564 00:30:44,796 --> 00:30:46,628 Oh, okay, well, that's super cool. 565 00:30:46,630 --> 00:30:50,398 No, it's not. I mean, yeah, maybe it's cool to someone 566 00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:51,801 who's interested in comedy 567 00:30:51,803 --> 00:30:54,603 who lives in International Falls, Minnesota, 568 00:30:54,605 --> 00:30:56,273 but not really. 569 00:30:57,140 --> 00:30:59,207 Well, you don't got to be a dick about it. 570 00:30:59,209 --> 00:31:00,542 I'm not trying to be a dick. 571 00:31:00,544 --> 00:31:03,512 Okay, do you want the comedy boot camp? 572 00:31:03,514 --> 00:31:06,849 Here we go. I don't know shit about getting in movies 573 00:31:06,851 --> 00:31:10,285 or getting on a sitcom or getting my own Netflix special. 574 00:31:10,287 --> 00:31:12,621 But if you want to get to my level, 575 00:31:12,623 --> 00:31:15,190 you just get nice and mediocre. 576 00:31:15,192 --> 00:31:17,559 Just go to a fuck load of open mics, 577 00:31:17,561 --> 00:31:20,763 and then one day some guy will come along, 578 00:31:20,765 --> 00:31:23,666 who has no real taste or talent, but will see 579 00:31:23,668 --> 00:31:26,301 that he can make a little bit of money off of you. 580 00:31:26,303 --> 00:31:29,337 But by that point, you'll be so fucking hungry for any kind 581 00:31:29,339 --> 00:31:31,408 of approval, that you'll do anything that he says. 582 00:31:32,442 --> 00:31:34,444 There. You're a comedian. 583 00:31:37,347 --> 00:31:40,148 Oh, shoot, there's the phone. 584 00:31:40,150 --> 00:31:41,318 Excuse me. 585 00:31:47,457 --> 00:31:48,492 So, um. 586 00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:52,260 - How are you feeling? - Well, 587 00:31:52,262 --> 00:31:55,765 I don't know if it's this or that little blue pill 588 00:31:55,767 --> 00:32:01,138 or the combo, but I'm starting to feel pretty sleepy. 589 00:32:01,773 --> 00:32:03,338 Me too. 590 00:32:03,340 --> 00:32:05,240 I'm not going to fuck you. 591 00:32:05,242 --> 00:32:06,742 - I know. - Mm-hmm. 592 00:32:06,744 --> 00:32:08,577 But you're not going to drive home either. 593 00:32:08,579 --> 00:32:09,479 You're right. 594 00:32:10,180 --> 00:32:10,882 I know I'm right. 595 00:32:14,752 --> 00:32:16,721 So what do these tattoos mean? 596 00:32:19,590 --> 00:32:21,491 - I don't know. - Yes, you do. 597 00:32:23,761 --> 00:32:25,128 I don't want to tell you. 598 00:32:26,898 --> 00:32:28,465 That's obnoxious. 599 00:32:29,333 --> 00:32:30,565 You're obnoxious. 600 00:32:30,567 --> 00:32:33,470 Well, tough shit. 601 00:32:35,305 --> 00:32:36,239 Hey. 602 00:32:37,775 --> 00:32:42,145 If I have to mail something, can you mail stuff here? 603 00:32:44,916 --> 00:32:50,655 Are you asking if we can send and receive U.S. mail here? 604 00:32:51,288 --> 00:32:53,789 - Yes, I am. - In this, in this town? 605 00:32:53,791 --> 00:32:55,359 - That's what I'm asking. - Mm-hmm. 606 00:32:57,829 --> 00:32:59,196 Yeah, we can do that. 607 00:32:59,897 --> 00:33:01,699 - Okay? - Thank you. 608 00:33:04,568 --> 00:33:05,469 Hey. 609 00:33:08,572 --> 00:33:09,674 Don't rape me, okay? 610 00:33:10,875 --> 00:33:12,609 Don't rape me. 611 00:33:15,212 --> 00:33:15,913 I'm serious. 612 00:33:18,515 --> 00:33:21,485 I know, I just think it's so sad that you have to say that. 613 00:33:23,988 --> 00:33:24,889 Go to sleep. 614 00:33:37,634 --> 00:33:40,468 Literally, the reason I got into this line of work 615 00:33:40,470 --> 00:33:42,672 was to sleep late, and now you've fucked that up. 616 00:33:42,674 --> 00:33:45,407 Well, I just thought it was important to show you the fancy 617 00:33:45,409 --> 00:33:47,845 building that you can mail stuff from. 618 00:33:48,813 --> 00:33:49,714 Ooh. 619 00:33:50,815 --> 00:33:52,182 Oh, this is nice. 620 00:33:53,283 --> 00:33:55,685 - Well, good morning, Dee. - Good morning, Walt. 621 00:33:55,687 --> 00:33:59,354 - What can I do for you? - Um, well, this is Tim, he's from out of town 622 00:33:59,356 --> 00:34:00,756 and he needs to mail a package, 623 00:34:00,758 --> 00:34:02,892 so I want to put it on the hotel's tab, 624 00:34:02,894 --> 00:34:05,995 uh, seeing as how he's kind of, kind of a VIP. 625 00:34:05,997 --> 00:34:09,297 Is that right? What a treat! 626 00:34:09,299 --> 00:34:11,936 Yeah, hmm, here's my very important paycheck. 627 00:34:12,770 --> 00:34:14,369 Do you still want to be a comedian? 628 00:34:14,371 --> 00:34:16,504 Hmm. More than ever. 629 00:34:16,506 --> 00:34:19,407 Okay. Could you mail that to that address, please? 630 00:34:19,409 --> 00:34:22,379 - You got it. - Oh, and uh, yeah, this too. 631 00:34:23,647 --> 00:34:25,515 And who's this little guy for. 632 00:34:26,349 --> 00:34:28,820 - Uh, it's for my son. - Oh, that's great. 633 00:34:29,687 --> 00:34:30,955 What's your son's name? 634 00:34:35,727 --> 00:34:36,792 Okay, you don't have to tell me... 635 00:34:36,794 --> 00:34:38,228 Sean, his name is Sean. 636 00:34:38,863 --> 00:34:39,897 How old is he? 637 00:34:40,932 --> 00:34:44,234 - He's eight. - Oh, now, that's a fun age. 638 00:34:45,435 --> 00:34:49,471 It is a fun age. He actually has just, kind of, really gotten into 639 00:34:49,473 --> 00:34:53,310 exploring down here, so just constantly just cranking. 640 00:34:53,778 --> 00:34:56,246 Well, uh, we're all set, uh. 641 00:34:56,748 --> 00:34:59,849 They'll pick this up around noon and, uh, off she goes. 642 00:34:59,851 --> 00:35:01,316 Thanks so much. 643 00:35:01,318 --> 00:35:02,417 Have a blessed day. 644 00:35:02,419 --> 00:35:03,553 Yes. 645 00:35:06,456 --> 00:35:07,892 No, it's still cold. 646 00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:09,959 Come on! 647 00:35:09,961 --> 00:35:11,727 - Yeah. - All right, where to? 648 00:35:11,729 --> 00:35:14,395 - Uh, let's go on a walk. - No, fuck you, it's too cold. 649 00:35:14,397 --> 00:35:16,699 Well, you know, you're wearing a summer coat 650 00:35:16,701 --> 00:35:19,534 in the middle of the ice box of the nation. 651 00:35:19,536 --> 00:35:20,905 This is my winter coat. 652 00:35:21,538 --> 00:35:22,772 You know what? 653 00:35:22,774 --> 00:35:23,808 - Hang on. - No. 654 00:35:24,374 --> 00:35:25,475 No, don't leave me. 655 00:35:25,877 --> 00:35:26,911 No. 656 00:35:29,046 --> 00:35:30,347 Ah, my nipples. 657 00:35:32,717 --> 00:35:34,016 Okay, here, put this on. 658 00:35:34,018 --> 00:35:35,285 Oh, thank God, I thought you died. 659 00:35:35,720 --> 00:35:37,086 They just gave that to you? 660 00:35:37,088 --> 00:35:38,954 No, there's basically a cardboard box 661 00:35:38,956 --> 00:35:40,890 full of coats and stuff in every building 662 00:35:40,892 --> 00:35:42,658 in International Falls. 663 00:35:42,660 --> 00:35:44,729 So this just belonged to, like, a dead guy or, like, a 664 00:35:45,129 --> 00:35:48,032 - missing teenager or something? - I don't know, could be. 665 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:50,966 - Okay. - Better? 666 00:35:50,968 --> 00:35:54,602 - Getting there, getting there. - Okay, let's go. 667 00:35:54,604 --> 00:35:56,839 - But I'm worried about that missing teenager. - Yeah. 668 00:35:56,841 --> 00:35:59,041 So, International Falls. 669 00:35:59,043 --> 00:36:00,608 Where's the falls? 670 00:36:00,610 --> 00:36:02,079 Oh, we don't have any falls. 671 00:36:03,047 --> 00:36:06,583 Yeah, this is like a beautiful little Christmas village. 672 00:36:07,018 --> 00:36:08,686 - You think? - No. 673 00:36:10,453 --> 00:36:12,087 What is that, a paper mill? 674 00:36:12,089 --> 00:36:14,723 Yeah. I mean, it stinks. 675 00:36:14,725 --> 00:36:18,595 It smells like one, like, one giant fart city. 676 00:36:19,897 --> 00:36:22,432 Did they ever think about changing the name to Fart City? 677 00:36:23,801 --> 00:36:26,469 You know what? I'm going to bring that up at our next council meeting. 678 00:36:27,404 --> 00:36:28,572 You should. 679 00:36:29,707 --> 00:36:31,108 Oh, there it is, there's the wind right there. 680 00:36:32,810 --> 00:36:34,009 Oh, that's nice. 681 00:36:34,011 --> 00:36:35,044 Oh, my dick fell off. 682 00:36:37,414 --> 00:36:38,646 Hi, how are you. 683 00:36:38,648 --> 00:36:41,183 Okay, go! Go, you're doing great! 684 00:36:45,056 --> 00:36:46,991 No! 685 00:36:50,995 --> 00:36:52,928 Oh, did it pull it off your head? 686 00:36:52,930 --> 00:36:55,097 Yeah, they should cut these trees down. This is bullshit. 687 00:36:55,099 --> 00:36:57,835 Or you could duck. When was the last time you washed your hair? 688 00:36:58,468 --> 00:37:01,471 So, that's Canada across the river there. 689 00:37:02,639 --> 00:37:04,809 Gosh, that's beautiful. 690 00:37:11,514 --> 00:37:12,783 See? 691 00:37:13,784 --> 00:37:15,920 Oh, my God. 692 00:37:23,094 --> 00:37:25,830 Can we please go somewhere warm? 693 00:37:26,463 --> 00:37:27,832 - Yeah. - Please. 694 00:37:29,066 --> 00:37:30,567 Yeah, I got an idea. 695 00:37:43,180 --> 00:37:44,514 Okay. 696 00:37:45,649 --> 00:37:47,752 Uh, take off your seatbelt and roll down the windows. 697 00:37:48,252 --> 00:37:49,854 - Why? - It's rules of the road. 698 00:37:51,656 --> 00:37:53,456 It's easier to get out in case we go under. 699 00:37:54,557 --> 00:37:55,660 - Are you serious? - Yeah. 700 00:37:56,127 --> 00:37:57,995 Shit. 701 00:38:00,197 --> 00:38:01,629 You're a good swimmer, yeah? 702 00:38:01,631 --> 00:38:03,098 No, I'm not a good swimmer. 703 00:38:03,100 --> 00:38:04,501 Are you serious? 704 00:38:05,036 --> 00:38:06,869 So, you know, if we go down 705 00:38:06,871 --> 00:38:08,771 there's no way I can, I can help you. 706 00:38:08,773 --> 00:38:10,272 - Please help me. - Because you're... 707 00:38:10,274 --> 00:38:12,043 Please help me. 708 00:38:14,946 --> 00:38:16,577 This is really scary. 709 00:38:16,579 --> 00:38:17,882 It is beautiful. 710 00:38:18,615 --> 00:38:20,115 Are you taking me out here to kill me? 711 00:38:20,117 --> 00:38:21,052 Yes. 712 00:38:22,086 --> 00:38:22,987 I knew it. 713 00:38:27,291 --> 00:38:28,991 Why are we stopping? 714 00:38:28,993 --> 00:38:29,994 You'll see. 715 00:38:37,134 --> 00:38:38,069 Where are you going? 716 00:38:40,637 --> 00:38:41,538 Don't leave me! 717 00:39:17,640 --> 00:39:20,144 Yeah, this is warm. 718 00:39:20,745 --> 00:39:22,113 It's toasty out here. 719 00:39:23,814 --> 00:39:26,348 Well, you know what they say. If you don't like the weather, give it five minutes. 720 00:39:26,350 --> 00:39:28,717 - Oh, is that what they say? - Yeah, yep. 721 00:39:28,719 --> 00:39:29,987 That's hilarious. 722 00:39:38,929 --> 00:39:40,698 So, do you know her name or anything? 723 00:39:41,165 --> 00:39:42,099 The other woman. 724 00:39:44,001 --> 00:39:45,102 Yeah, I met her a couple of times. 725 00:39:46,237 --> 00:39:49,606 She works with my husband, her name is Cynthia I think. 726 00:39:50,775 --> 00:39:51,641 Cynthia? 727 00:39:52,076 --> 00:39:52,977 Yeah. 728 00:39:53,944 --> 00:39:55,880 That's a stupid fucking name. 729 00:39:56,747 --> 00:39:58,015 It is, right? 730 00:39:58,883 --> 00:40:00,918 Have you ever met, like, a cool Cynthia? 731 00:40:01,819 --> 00:40:02,953 No, nobody has. 732 00:40:03,954 --> 00:40:05,287 Well. 733 00:40:05,289 --> 00:40:06,991 So, what do you think? 734 00:40:07,992 --> 00:40:09,960 - How you gonna do it? - Do what? 735 00:40:12,096 --> 00:40:13,596 You want to kill her, right? 736 00:40:14,198 --> 00:40:15,132 No! 737 00:40:17,101 --> 00:40:18,002 Yeah. 738 00:40:21,172 --> 00:40:25,910 Maybe like a... like a wood chipper situation. 739 00:40:30,381 --> 00:40:32,615 You never saw Fargo? 740 00:40:34,318 --> 00:40:36,187 - How about a gun? - Nope. 741 00:40:37,955 --> 00:40:39,788 Do you know anyone that has a gun? 742 00:40:39,790 --> 00:40:41,624 - Oh, yeah. - Okay, great, so you can get one. 743 00:40:42,326 --> 00:40:45,096 - Yeah. - All right, here's what you're going to do. 744 00:40:45,763 --> 00:40:48,397 You get a gun, you shoot her, 745 00:40:48,399 --> 00:40:52,036 not in the head or the face, in the gut. 746 00:40:53,137 --> 00:40:57,007 Hurts real bad and takes a long time to bleed out. 747 00:42:00,137 --> 00:42:01,438 You were right about the weather. 748 00:42:05,042 --> 00:42:07,075 So, where are you from if you're not from here? 749 00:42:07,077 --> 00:42:08,078 I was raised here. 750 00:42:10,781 --> 00:42:12,249 - You said you weren't. - I lied. 751 00:42:13,817 --> 00:42:15,219 Well, why would you lie about that? 752 00:42:16,921 --> 00:42:18,253 Because at the time you said you'd been 753 00:42:18,255 --> 00:42:20,090 on HBO and Comedy Central. 754 00:42:23,994 --> 00:42:27,131 Yeah, no, no, I mean, I was raised here. I, uh... 755 00:42:28,799 --> 00:42:30,933 I grew up here, I met my husband here, 756 00:42:30,935 --> 00:42:31,969 we went to college together. 757 00:42:32,937 --> 00:42:34,903 - Then we decided we'd stay... - I'm so sorry, 758 00:42:34,905 --> 00:42:37,005 this is a very boring story. 759 00:42:38,342 --> 00:42:40,344 You got to spice it up for the listener. 760 00:42:41,111 --> 00:42:45,547 Okay, I listened to your set last night go on and on and on... 761 00:42:45,549 --> 00:42:47,249 On stage, that's just my material. 762 00:42:47,251 --> 00:42:49,119 It's mostly lies, I told you. 763 00:42:50,254 --> 00:42:51,488 Well, then tell me something. 764 00:42:52,523 --> 00:42:53,989 What? 765 00:42:53,991 --> 00:42:55,492 Tell me something real. 766 00:42:57,962 --> 00:42:59,163 Something real. 767 00:43:07,538 --> 00:43:09,106 This is going to be my last set. 768 00:43:10,074 --> 00:43:11,275 What do you mean? 769 00:43:14,044 --> 00:43:15,179 I'm sort of retiring. 770 00:43:16,513 --> 00:43:18,247 - From standup? - Yeah. 771 00:43:18,249 --> 00:43:19,516 - Why? - I hate it. 772 00:43:20,351 --> 00:43:21,817 I hate it, I do. 773 00:43:21,819 --> 00:43:23,387 I'm not good at it and I hate it. 774 00:43:24,888 --> 00:43:27,055 I mean, you must've loved it at some part. When did it, when did it start? 775 00:43:27,057 --> 00:43:28,892 - How did you start? - I don't know. I guess... 776 00:43:30,194 --> 00:43:31,927 the answer I give in all of the interviews 777 00:43:31,929 --> 00:43:33,462 that I do, I don't do interviews, 778 00:43:33,464 --> 00:43:37,566 is, um, that I grew up listening to comedy albums 779 00:43:37,568 --> 00:43:40,902 of people like, George Carlin and Lenny Bruce 780 00:43:40,904 --> 00:43:43,071 and Richard Pryor. 781 00:43:43,073 --> 00:43:44,373 - Is that the truth? - No. 782 00:43:44,375 --> 00:43:46,975 Okay, well, then why do you do it? 783 00:43:46,977 --> 00:43:48,345 What makes you do it? 784 00:43:49,446 --> 00:43:53,081 I'm vain, I'm selfish, I'm afraid, I guess. 785 00:43:53,083 --> 00:43:54,184 Afraid of what? 786 00:43:55,085 --> 00:43:57,087 Everyone, everything. 787 00:43:58,122 --> 00:44:01,890 I guess it's, a, like a preemptive strike, you know? 788 00:44:01,892 --> 00:44:04,593 I'm going to make fun of me before you make fun of me, 789 00:44:04,595 --> 00:44:07,164 - 'cause I know it's coming. - Are you afraid of me? 790 00:44:09,500 --> 00:44:10,632 Yeah. 791 00:44:10,634 --> 00:44:11,535 Terrified. 792 00:44:12,269 --> 00:44:13,170 Why? 793 00:44:18,475 --> 00:44:19,810 Because you're authentic. 794 00:44:21,345 --> 00:44:22,246 Oh. 795 00:44:28,485 --> 00:44:30,452 You know what they say it takes to get, 796 00:44:30,454 --> 00:44:32,990 like, really good at comedy? 797 00:44:33,424 --> 00:44:35,557 You know, like finding your voice, do you know what that is? 798 00:44:35,559 --> 00:44:36,493 Yeah. 799 00:44:41,298 --> 00:44:43,000 I don't think I ever found mine. 800 00:44:45,202 --> 00:44:46,570 I'm kind of done looking for it. 801 00:45:05,155 --> 00:45:06,223 I'm not going to fuck you. 802 00:45:08,158 --> 00:45:09,293 We'll see about that. 803 00:45:32,383 --> 00:45:34,015 Shit. 804 00:45:34,017 --> 00:45:35,586 What, who is it? 805 00:45:36,721 --> 00:45:37,988 Gary. 806 00:45:39,289 --> 00:45:41,392 - Oh, shit! - Nah, it's fine. 807 00:45:41,992 --> 00:45:43,293 - Fine? - It's fine. 808 00:45:44,294 --> 00:45:46,296 He's basically a robot. 809 00:46:10,354 --> 00:46:11,321 Who's that? 810 00:46:13,257 --> 00:46:15,192 Uh, that's the, the comic from last night. 811 00:46:15,693 --> 00:46:17,327 He's performing again tonight. 812 00:46:18,495 --> 00:46:22,063 He's... he's kind of a big deal so they wanted me 813 00:46:22,065 --> 00:46:24,332 to show him around today. 814 00:46:24,334 --> 00:46:26,637 Okay. He on TV? 815 00:46:28,105 --> 00:46:30,207 - Tons. - Wow. 816 00:46:41,084 --> 00:46:45,255 So... what you said to me last night on the phone. 817 00:46:45,657 --> 00:46:47,659 I was angry, Gary, I... 818 00:46:49,159 --> 00:46:50,227 I'm sorry, Dee. 819 00:46:52,262 --> 00:46:55,197 I'm so sorry, Dee. And, and I'm so stupid. 820 00:46:55,199 --> 00:46:58,368 Holy hell, I don't even know what the hell I was thinking. 821 00:46:58,736 --> 00:47:01,269 It just happened, you know? 822 00:47:01,271 --> 00:47:02,206 And... 823 00:47:03,675 --> 00:47:06,009 I miss you. I miss you so much. 824 00:47:06,811 --> 00:47:08,111 I miss you so much. 825 00:47:10,113 --> 00:47:13,415 - The girls are scared. - Don't you dare bring those girls into this, Gary. 826 00:47:13,417 --> 00:47:16,284 I'm not, I'm not. I... they... I didn't tell them nothing, they just... 827 00:47:16,286 --> 00:47:18,253 they know that you didn't come home last night. 828 00:47:18,255 --> 00:47:23,126 And, and, uh, they know you haven't been home today. 829 00:47:25,529 --> 00:47:27,097 Will you just tell me what to do? 830 00:47:27,531 --> 00:47:29,299 I'm so sorry, I didn't... 831 00:47:30,434 --> 00:47:33,337 I'm so sorry, Dee. I'm so sorry, Dee. 832 00:47:37,508 --> 00:47:39,076 Just go home, Gary. 833 00:47:40,544 --> 00:47:41,645 Just go home. 834 00:48:28,793 --> 00:48:29,827 Fuck. 835 00:48:31,829 --> 00:48:36,066 So, you're saying tonight's your... your last show ever. 836 00:48:38,435 --> 00:48:40,203 Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm saying. 837 00:48:40,705 --> 00:48:42,506 Well, I got to see that, right? 838 00:48:46,310 --> 00:48:48,577 I mean, if you're a glutton for punishment, yeah. 839 00:49:05,797 --> 00:49:08,430 Here's something that's hot off the presses, 840 00:49:08,432 --> 00:49:10,465 if you pretend like it's 1996. 841 00:49:10,467 --> 00:49:12,870 You know, they just started putting, uh, porn out on DVD. 842 00:49:14,204 --> 00:49:15,105 Pretty cool. 843 00:49:15,639 --> 00:49:17,572 I'm not sure we need, uh, 844 00:49:17,574 --> 00:49:19,709 the bonus features though, you know? 845 00:49:19,711 --> 00:49:20,611 Do we need that? 846 00:49:21,913 --> 00:49:25,182 You know, do we need that? Do we need the director's commentary? 847 00:49:25,549 --> 00:49:26,718 "We're losing the light. 848 00:49:27,852 --> 00:49:30,251 And, uh, and then Cinnamon, Cinnamon comes up to me 849 00:49:30,253 --> 00:49:35,693 and Cinnamon said, "Um, I just found out that I have HIV," 850 00:49:36,560 --> 00:49:40,462 and I was like, "well, Cinnamon, you're an actress. 851 00:49:40,464 --> 00:49:42,800 Just use it." And I think, 852 00:49:43,567 --> 00:49:46,434 I think you can see the HIV in her performance. 853 00:49:46,436 --> 00:49:49,206 And, uh, Blaze. 854 00:49:49,640 --> 00:49:51,506 Blaze has been fucking all day, man, 855 00:49:51,508 --> 00:49:53,475 and he couldn't, he couldn't cum anymore. 856 00:49:53,477 --> 00:49:55,343 I remember smoke was coming out of his dick, 857 00:49:55,345 --> 00:49:56,513 it was just smoke." 858 00:49:58,382 --> 00:49:59,547 Ah, come on. 859 00:49:59,549 --> 00:50:00,783 We're having fun, right? 860 00:50:00,785 --> 00:50:02,283 Are you guys not having fun? 861 00:50:02,285 --> 00:50:03,719 "Oh, no. 862 00:50:03,721 --> 00:50:06,256 Oh, no, we don't like this. 863 00:50:06,791 --> 00:50:09,559 I'll tell you what we like, we like ice fishing. 864 00:50:10,394 --> 00:50:11,696 That's what we think is fun." 865 00:50:13,898 --> 00:50:14,799 How much longer? 866 00:50:16,233 --> 00:50:16,934 Oh, my God. 867 00:50:18,268 --> 00:50:19,169 Oh, my God. 868 00:50:19,971 --> 00:50:21,103 All right, here we go, here we go. 869 00:50:21,105 --> 00:50:24,408 Let's have fun. Here's an impression of me and my dick. 870 00:50:27,477 --> 00:50:28,778 Pretty cool, right? 871 00:50:28,780 --> 00:50:30,514 Fuck it. Now how much time do we have? 872 00:50:31,683 --> 00:50:33,550 Come on. Nobody's with me? 873 00:50:34,786 --> 00:50:36,520 Um, you know what? 874 00:50:37,989 --> 00:50:41,423 I don't really care, to be honest. 875 00:50:41,425 --> 00:50:44,760 ♪ I don't care about you You rednecks ♪ 876 00:50:44,762 --> 00:50:46,628 All right, here we go, here we go. 877 00:50:46,630 --> 00:50:49,366 Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. 878 00:50:50,001 --> 00:50:52,034 Not really, fuck you. Um. 879 00:50:52,036 --> 00:50:52,970 You suck, man! 880 00:50:55,472 --> 00:50:56,373 Yeah. 881 00:50:58,475 --> 00:51:01,911 Yeah, I do suck, bro. 882 00:51:01,913 --> 00:51:04,546 But I know I suck and I've been trying to 883 00:51:04,548 --> 00:51:07,652 tell people that for years, okay? 884 00:51:08,285 --> 00:51:09,386 But I'm owning it. 885 00:51:09,854 --> 00:51:11,721 Tonight I'm owning it. 886 00:51:11,723 --> 00:51:13,223 How much I suck. 887 00:51:14,025 --> 00:51:17,459 And you should own how much you suck, dude. 888 00:51:17,461 --> 00:51:18,863 You should also go fuck yourself. 889 00:51:20,064 --> 00:51:22,867 So let's meet back here in ten years. 890 00:51:23,433 --> 00:51:26,836 You guys will all still be here, I guarantee you that. 891 00:51:26,838 --> 00:51:30,007 I guarantee you, you will still be here, 892 00:51:30,574 --> 00:51:32,744 but I will be long gone. 893 00:51:33,343 --> 00:51:34,511 I will be long gone. 894 00:51:35,079 --> 00:51:39,081 Oh, look, it is the lady from the liquor store 895 00:51:39,083 --> 00:51:40,783 as I'm sure you all know. 896 00:51:40,785 --> 00:51:45,489 Hello, and what did I tell you when I met you? 897 00:51:45,923 --> 00:51:48,425 I said I'm not very good at this 898 00:51:48,860 --> 00:51:52,029 and you should not come... didn't I? 899 00:51:53,363 --> 00:51:55,499 So, this is on you. 900 00:51:56,566 --> 00:51:59,436 And frankly, you're not so great at your job either. 901 00:52:00,437 --> 00:52:02,572 Little chatty. Little chatty is all I'm saying. 902 00:52:03,406 --> 00:52:07,509 Let's land this thing... which is what they said on the Hindenburg. 903 00:52:07,511 --> 00:52:10,380 Um, I'll go out on this. This is my closer. 904 00:52:13,851 --> 00:52:15,352 This is my closer. 905 00:52:17,521 --> 00:52:18,689 I'm on the road a lot. 906 00:52:19,924 --> 00:52:22,392 I am on the road a lot, um, but I don't cheat on my wife. 907 00:52:23,493 --> 00:52:28,465 Um, and my wife suggested that we have phone sex, 908 00:52:28,866 --> 00:52:31,000 but I quickly realized that it was 909 00:52:31,002 --> 00:52:34,404 the saddest thing in the world 910 00:52:34,839 --> 00:52:36,772 to have phone sex with my wife, 911 00:52:36,774 --> 00:52:38,941 because it's really more about my wife 912 00:52:38,943 --> 00:52:41,813 just controlling what I masturbate to. 913 00:52:42,612 --> 00:52:44,747 And it goes a little something like this. 914 00:52:44,749 --> 00:52:46,083 My wife says... 915 00:52:47,885 --> 00:52:49,086 "Okay, go." 916 00:52:50,721 --> 00:52:51,889 And so... 917 00:52:53,390 --> 00:52:54,491 I start masturbating. 918 00:52:56,994 --> 00:52:58,095 And I cum. 919 00:52:59,496 --> 00:53:03,067 And my wife goes... "Are you finished?" 920 00:53:05,036 --> 00:53:06,469 And I say, "Yes." 921 00:53:08,638 --> 00:53:12,810 And, uh, and my wife goes, "Goodnight, sicko." 922 00:53:16,147 --> 00:53:17,414 I go, "Goodnight... 923 00:53:18,582 --> 00:53:20,051 I love you." 924 00:53:23,788 --> 00:53:24,889 So, that's my time. 925 00:53:25,957 --> 00:53:27,357 Uh, I'm Tim Fletcher. 926 00:53:27,859 --> 00:53:28,826 And... 927 00:53:30,895 --> 00:53:32,495 sorry about that. 928 00:53:36,533 --> 00:53:39,402 Okay, uh, all right, um. 929 00:53:39,871 --> 00:53:42,204 Everybody give another round of applause 930 00:53:42,206 --> 00:53:44,507 for our headliner, Tim Fletcher. 931 00:53:44,976 --> 00:53:48,878 Thank you. We will definitely remember that. I, I want to... 932 00:53:48,880 --> 00:53:50,946 Let's go to my retirement party. 933 00:53:50,948 --> 00:53:54,051 ...we do have comedy here, uh, on the weekends. 934 00:53:58,723 --> 00:54:00,457 Did you know that was going to happen? 935 00:54:00,858 --> 00:54:01,792 No. 936 00:54:13,070 --> 00:54:14,171 Vodka? 937 00:54:14,939 --> 00:54:16,007 Uh, sure. 938 00:54:20,644 --> 00:54:21,746 Do you want a pill? 939 00:54:22,246 --> 00:54:24,115 No. No, thanks, not tonight. 940 00:54:47,570 --> 00:54:48,471 You know... 941 00:54:50,007 --> 00:54:51,608 when it really works... 942 00:54:52,944 --> 00:54:54,946 and you're actually killing... 943 00:54:56,914 --> 00:54:59,482 it's not me versus them, 944 00:55:00,851 --> 00:55:04,755 a performer, an audience, it's just us. 945 00:55:06,623 --> 00:55:07,858 A conversation. 946 00:55:09,260 --> 00:55:12,830 And your stupid books will say that there's 947 00:55:13,264 --> 00:55:14,966 a structure to a joke... 948 00:55:16,701 --> 00:55:17,902 but there's not. 949 00:55:19,870 --> 00:55:23,238 I mean, there is, but we all already know it 950 00:55:23,240 --> 00:55:26,777 because we're human beings and we do it every day. 951 00:55:29,947 --> 00:55:33,951 Like, if I say, "Man, the weather's so hot, it's like..." 952 00:55:34,318 --> 00:55:36,887 I'm walking around inside somebody's mouth. 953 00:55:40,157 --> 00:55:41,624 Exactly. 954 00:55:42,693 --> 00:55:44,226 Because that's what a conversation is, right? 955 00:55:44,228 --> 00:55:47,997 It's just looking for some sort of reaction. 956 00:55:47,999 --> 00:55:50,567 It could be a laugh, it could be a cry. 957 00:55:53,137 --> 00:55:55,906 But just some sort of response. 958 00:55:58,009 --> 00:55:59,710 Then everything else is just the setup. 959 00:56:06,817 --> 00:56:09,086 Do you still want to be a comedian? 960 00:56:09,720 --> 00:56:12,688 - More than ever. - I promise I'm not trying to talk you out of it. 961 00:56:12,690 --> 00:56:14,825 Jesus, I'd hate to see if you did. 962 00:56:15,793 --> 00:56:16,694 Okay. 963 00:56:18,295 --> 00:56:21,198 Then you got to start writing like, everything down. 964 00:56:21,799 --> 00:56:23,766 To get jokes, I mean. 965 00:56:23,768 --> 00:56:25,200 But you have to start paying attention 966 00:56:25,202 --> 00:56:27,238 to the things that piss you off. 967 00:56:27,872 --> 00:56:31,206 People that are assholes, oblivious dickheads, 968 00:56:31,208 --> 00:56:34,176 or the most fucked up darkest thoughts 969 00:56:34,178 --> 00:56:36,211 that only come out of your brain. 970 00:56:36,213 --> 00:56:39,715 Whatever gets some sort of emotional reaction out of you. 971 00:56:39,717 --> 00:56:41,919 Figure out what makes it funny later. 972 00:56:42,887 --> 00:56:43,919 Write it down. 973 00:56:43,921 --> 00:56:44,955 Do you do that? 974 00:57:01,005 --> 00:57:02,905 These are jokes? 975 00:57:02,907 --> 00:57:04,008 No. 976 00:57:04,408 --> 00:57:06,710 Oh, like a, like a diary? 977 00:57:07,211 --> 00:57:08,643 No. 978 00:57:08,645 --> 00:57:09,778 Journal. 979 00:57:09,780 --> 00:57:11,782 No. It's like a... 980 00:57:12,850 --> 00:57:15,753 man's log book of his thoughts. 981 00:57:19,323 --> 00:57:21,659 You're really sad, aren't you? 982 00:57:27,398 --> 00:57:31,634 Yeah, I guess I'm... pretty sad. 983 00:57:32,736 --> 00:57:34,805 I'm just tired of pretending like I'm not. 984 00:57:42,680 --> 00:57:43,681 Wait. 985 00:57:44,882 --> 00:57:46,281 Are you sure you want to do this? 986 00:57:46,283 --> 00:57:47,318 Yeah. 987 00:57:48,018 --> 00:57:49,820 Are you sure you want to do this? 988 00:57:51,889 --> 00:57:54,992 But to be clear, you're using me, right? 989 00:57:57,161 --> 00:57:58,628 Yeah. 990 00:57:59,296 --> 00:58:01,332 And you're using me, right? 991 00:58:02,967 --> 00:58:04,368 Big time. 992 00:58:31,362 --> 00:58:37,799 "I denied myself nothing my eyes desired." 993 00:58:39,170 --> 00:58:41,937 - I like the sound of that. - Hmm. Yeah. 994 00:58:41,939 --> 00:58:45,809 "I refused my heart no pleasure." 995 00:58:46,877 --> 00:58:48,045 I like the sound of that. 996 00:58:50,114 --> 00:58:55,286 "Yet, when I surveyed all that my hands had done 997 00:58:55,920 --> 00:58:58,189 and what I had toiled to achieve... 998 00:59:00,157 --> 00:59:02,126 everything was meaningless. 999 00:59:03,227 --> 00:59:06,130 A chasing after the wind. 1000 00:59:07,298 --> 00:59:10,901 Nothing was gained under the sun." 1001 00:59:15,206 --> 00:59:17,441 Man, that last part was depressing. 1002 00:59:19,009 --> 00:59:20,811 But the beginning was nice. 1003 00:59:21,979 --> 00:59:23,347 I like Ecclesiastes. 1004 00:59:24,415 --> 00:59:26,817 - You knew that was Ecclesiastes? - Yeah. 1005 00:59:28,485 --> 00:59:29,920 Do you believe in God? 1006 00:59:32,022 --> 00:59:35,059 I mean, I suppose as much as any Lutheran does. 1007 00:59:37,194 --> 00:59:38,362 So you go to church. 1008 00:59:39,363 --> 00:59:41,232 Yep, Gary's on a council. 1009 00:59:43,167 --> 00:59:45,936 What, what do Lutherans believe? 1010 00:59:50,140 --> 00:59:53,744 Well, basically you don't need the pope to go to heaven. 1011 00:59:55,145 --> 00:59:56,413 So you believe in heaven. 1012 01:00:00,150 --> 01:00:01,950 I, I don't know. I mean, come on. 1013 01:00:01,952 --> 01:00:03,485 - I'm not making fun. - It's just. 1014 01:00:03,487 --> 01:00:06,790 No, it... My mom died last year, that's all. 1015 01:00:07,925 --> 01:00:08,826 I'm sorry. 1016 01:00:09,326 --> 01:00:10,227 Yeah. 1017 01:00:11,362 --> 01:00:12,930 I was with her in the end. 1018 01:00:15,099 --> 01:00:16,233 I watched her go. 1019 01:00:17,034 --> 01:00:19,403 I was holding her hand and... 1020 01:00:22,506 --> 01:00:24,541 and her eyes were closed, but I knew. 1021 01:00:26,343 --> 01:00:27,511 Her last breath... 1022 01:00:33,417 --> 01:00:34,818 was so beautiful. 1023 01:00:37,321 --> 01:00:39,154 I was struck with the idea for the first time 1024 01:00:39,156 --> 01:00:43,093 in my life that... that maybe this was it. 1025 01:00:44,028 --> 01:00:45,829 That this was it and... 1026 01:00:47,464 --> 01:00:48,565 I wasn't sad. 1027 01:00:51,535 --> 01:00:52,936 I was grateful. 1028 01:00:55,272 --> 01:00:57,308 And I remember thinking that this was enough. 1029 01:01:01,278 --> 01:01:03,480 And to expect anything more would be greedy. 1030 01:01:10,387 --> 01:01:11,288 Wow. 1031 01:01:11,922 --> 01:01:13,021 - Sorry. - No. 1032 01:01:13,023 --> 01:01:14,358 - I just... - Don't be. 1033 01:01:16,327 --> 01:01:18,126 I mean, I know you have to get up early, so... 1034 01:01:18,128 --> 01:01:19,263 No, I'm fine. 1035 01:01:19,963 --> 01:01:21,330 No, I don't want this to be weird. 1036 01:01:21,332 --> 01:01:22,497 - You're not making it weird. - Okay. 1037 01:01:25,569 --> 01:01:27,402 Can you just, can you grab that? 1038 01:01:27,404 --> 01:01:28,472 Uh, yeah. 1039 01:01:33,510 --> 01:01:36,347 Retired comedian Tim Fletcher, how may I direct your call? 1040 01:01:36,914 --> 01:01:39,915 Hi, this is Ruthie down at the front desk. 1041 01:01:39,917 --> 01:01:42,084 Um, I'm just calling to see if, 1042 01:01:42,086 --> 01:01:43,653 - by any chance... - Okay, for crying out loud. 1043 01:01:43,655 --> 01:01:45,420 Ruthie, you don't have to act 1044 01:01:45,422 --> 01:01:46,957 like I don't know what's going on. 1045 01:01:47,958 --> 01:01:49,493 Um, I'm looking for Dee. 1046 01:01:50,561 --> 01:01:52,096 Hey, you might want to take this. 1047 01:01:54,565 --> 01:01:56,467 - Hey, Dee. - Hey, Ruthie. 1048 01:01:57,067 --> 01:01:58,068 Uh, Ruthie. 1049 01:01:58,635 --> 01:01:59,536 Please. 1050 01:02:01,205 --> 01:02:03,071 Dee? Uh, it's Gary. 1051 01:02:03,073 --> 01:02:04,341 G... I'm still working. 1052 01:02:04,709 --> 01:02:07,209 - Oh, come on, Dee. - Gary, listen to me. 1053 01:02:07,211 --> 01:02:09,346 I don't want to see you right now. 1054 01:02:10,080 --> 01:02:11,315 You know, the girls are here. 1055 01:02:11,949 --> 01:02:14,015 - What? - Yeah, they want to see you. 1056 01:02:14,017 --> 01:02:16,184 So you brought them here? 1057 01:02:16,186 --> 01:02:18,186 Well, yeah, you know, I don't know what's going on, you know? 1058 01:02:18,188 --> 01:02:19,890 You know what the fuck you're doing. 1059 01:02:20,257 --> 01:02:22,725 I'm not the one doing the asking, it's your daughters. 1060 01:02:22,727 --> 01:02:24,895 Well, maybe I don't want to see them either! 1061 01:02:33,671 --> 01:02:34,571 Dee? 1062 01:02:46,350 --> 01:02:47,384 Dee? 1063 01:03:00,297 --> 01:03:03,934 - Dee? - Uh... hello. 1064 01:03:04,468 --> 01:03:07,202 - Who's this? - Gary, it's Tim. 1065 01:03:07,204 --> 01:03:08,472 Yeah, you're the VIP, huh? 1066 01:03:09,106 --> 01:03:10,407 I looked you up online. 1067 01:03:11,241 --> 01:03:12,276 You're a nobody, pal. 1068 01:03:13,310 --> 01:03:14,242 I don't know what kind of BS that you're shoving 1069 01:03:14,244 --> 01:03:16,478 in my wife, but you better knock it off. 1070 01:03:16,480 --> 01:03:19,682 Gary, Dee's upset right now. 1071 01:03:19,684 --> 01:03:21,385 She's super pissed, man. 1072 01:03:21,753 --> 01:03:25,620 And she's going to need some time and some space from you. 1073 01:03:25,622 --> 01:03:27,991 Now I'm leaving, bright and early in the morning, 1074 01:03:28,459 --> 01:03:31,727 so you're not going to have to worry about my lame ass anymore. 1075 01:03:31,729 --> 01:03:33,528 She's not answering her cellphone. 1076 01:03:33,530 --> 01:03:35,096 Dee doesn't own a cell anymore. 1077 01:03:35,098 --> 01:03:37,100 We smashed that shit up 18 hours ago. 1078 01:03:38,368 --> 01:03:39,570 Have you and her... 1079 01:03:40,738 --> 01:03:42,604 - Did you... - What is this, junior high? 1080 01:03:42,606 --> 01:03:44,408 We're way past that, man. 1081 01:03:44,809 --> 01:03:46,744 We did all kinds of things. 1082 01:03:47,644 --> 01:03:50,748 You probably want to know if we made out up at the lake? 1083 01:03:51,415 --> 01:03:53,550 Well, the answer is, yeah, Gary. 1084 01:03:54,251 --> 01:03:55,586 And it was really awesome. 1085 01:03:56,220 --> 01:03:57,454 But what did you do, Gary? 1086 01:03:58,690 --> 01:03:59,958 What, did you go fall in love with your little sidepiece? 1087 01:04:01,124 --> 01:04:05,160 Because I thought you were just into like CFNM on the internet. 1088 01:04:05,162 --> 01:04:08,196 - Now, you listen to me. - No, you listen, Gary, 1089 01:04:08,198 --> 01:04:09,464 'cause here's a little bit of advice. 1090 01:04:09,466 --> 01:04:12,234 Clear that browser history, bro, 1091 01:04:12,236 --> 01:04:14,169 okay? And close out of your email. 1092 01:04:14,171 --> 01:04:15,671 But I, I didn't... 1093 01:04:15,673 --> 01:04:18,141 I know, man. I know where you're going with this. 1094 01:04:18,542 --> 01:04:20,577 But you can't have it both ways, Gary. 1095 01:04:21,211 --> 01:04:24,112 Either you're having an affair with Cynthia 1096 01:04:24,114 --> 01:04:26,550 and you're covering your ass, or you're not. 1097 01:04:27,217 --> 01:04:28,585 It didn't just happen. 1098 01:04:29,988 --> 01:04:32,657 - How'd you know her name? - How do you think I know her name, dipshit? 1099 01:04:33,290 --> 01:04:37,194 Gary, I'm a lot like you, man. 1100 01:04:38,562 --> 01:04:42,132 Hey, me and you are like a lot of other dudes. 1101 01:04:43,634 --> 01:04:45,335 Have you ever seen City Slickers? 1102 01:04:46,503 --> 01:04:47,638 It's kind of like that. 1103 01:04:48,539 --> 01:04:50,806 I mean, it's different because they're on a cattle drive, 1104 01:04:50,808 --> 01:04:53,644 but... guys like me and you... 1105 01:04:55,245 --> 01:04:57,247 we hurt people that we claim to love. 1106 01:04:57,849 --> 01:05:00,117 Then we do it over and over again. 1107 01:05:00,652 --> 01:05:02,586 But one thing I would never do to my wife 1108 01:05:03,220 --> 01:05:05,355 is use our child to hide behind. 1109 01:05:07,591 --> 01:05:09,359 Is Dee standing right there? 1110 01:05:10,494 --> 01:05:11,696 Go home, Gary. 1111 01:05:12,563 --> 01:05:14,364 She'll be there when she gets there. 1112 01:05:19,837 --> 01:05:21,138 Okay, thank you, Ruthie. 1113 01:05:23,708 --> 01:05:26,842 Okay, girls, we're just going to go home, okay? 1114 01:05:26,844 --> 01:05:30,080 And we'll check in later. She's busy working right now. 1115 01:05:38,555 --> 01:05:40,725 So is that why you're getting a divorce? 1116 01:05:43,761 --> 01:05:46,161 Happened a few years ago. Um. 1117 01:05:46,163 --> 01:05:47,596 A club in Topeka. 1118 01:05:47,598 --> 01:05:48,498 This... 1119 01:05:49,867 --> 01:05:52,334 waitress who wouldn't give me the time of day 1120 01:05:52,336 --> 01:05:55,572 until I came off stage, and suddenly I was attractive. 1121 01:05:55,940 --> 01:05:59,176 She came up to me at the bar and said, "You're so funny." 1122 01:05:59,811 --> 01:06:02,477 - Oh, my God. - Yeah. 1123 01:06:02,479 --> 01:06:03,815 Just like you. 1124 01:06:04,749 --> 01:06:05,683 So... 1125 01:06:08,318 --> 01:06:13,388 we started talking and... we kept in touch. 1126 01:06:13,390 --> 01:06:14,792 I saw quite a bit of her. 1127 01:06:16,193 --> 01:06:17,361 So how'd you get caught? 1128 01:06:18,896 --> 01:06:19,831 It doesn't matter. 1129 01:06:25,602 --> 01:06:27,270 And your wife stayed with you? 1130 01:06:31,475 --> 01:06:32,643 She forgave you? 1131 01:06:34,511 --> 01:06:35,680 She said she did. 1132 01:06:36,246 --> 01:06:37,247 Do you believe her? 1133 01:06:38,382 --> 01:06:39,282 Do you? 1134 01:06:41,953 --> 01:06:43,688 Guess how many men I've fucked, Tim. 1135 01:06:45,790 --> 01:06:47,422 - I don't really want to... - Two. 1136 01:06:47,424 --> 01:06:50,193 - See, that's why I didn't... - Him and you. 1137 01:06:51,561 --> 01:06:54,631 I was 20-fucking-years-old when I married that man. 1138 01:06:55,632 --> 01:06:57,669 I was the cautious one. 1139 01:07:00,604 --> 01:07:02,907 I was the unsure one. 1140 01:07:04,274 --> 01:07:07,977 We're young... there's no need to rush anything. 1141 01:07:07,979 --> 01:07:09,681 And he proposed to me anyway. 1142 01:07:11,581 --> 01:07:14,819 He proposed to me at a division three college basketball game. 1143 01:07:16,319 --> 01:07:17,452 On the jumbotron? 1144 01:07:17,454 --> 01:07:20,257 No! There's no jumbotron, Tim. 1145 01:07:21,558 --> 01:07:24,628 Have you ever heard of Augsburg College in Minneapolis? 1146 01:07:24,996 --> 01:07:27,262 - No. - No, no one has, Tim. 1147 01:07:27,264 --> 01:07:31,533 No one's heard of the Augsburg Auggies in Minneapolis, 1148 01:07:31,535 --> 01:07:33,903 and they don't have a fucking jumbotron 1149 01:07:33,905 --> 01:07:36,239 at their fucking basketball games. 1150 01:07:38,642 --> 01:07:41,309 This is one of those things you should be writing down. 1151 01:08:05,535 --> 01:08:07,237 So what are your plans tomorrow? 1152 01:08:10,507 --> 01:08:11,943 I haven't really thought about it. 1153 01:08:13,610 --> 01:08:15,545 What time do the cleaning ladies come? 1154 01:08:16,981 --> 01:08:18,515 Like 10:30 or so. 1155 01:08:20,450 --> 01:08:22,754 I'll probably get a wake up call like 9:45. 1156 01:08:24,722 --> 01:08:27,792 Try to make it to the breakfast buffet before they close. 1157 01:08:29,894 --> 01:08:31,294 To have a waffle? 1158 01:08:33,630 --> 01:08:34,631 Yeah. 1159 01:08:37,567 --> 01:08:38,669 And then get on the road. 1160 01:08:40,037 --> 01:08:40,938 To see Sean. 1161 01:08:42,840 --> 01:08:43,741 Your son? 1162 01:08:59,857 --> 01:09:04,061 That one means father and that one means son. 1163 01:09:08,900 --> 01:09:10,868 Japanese. 1164 01:09:11,535 --> 01:09:12,435 Why? 1165 01:09:13,104 --> 01:09:14,839 Because I'm so fucking original. 1166 01:09:21,946 --> 01:09:22,947 What are your plans? 1167 01:09:26,818 --> 01:09:28,385 I have no idea. 1168 01:09:33,825 --> 01:09:35,660 How cool is that? 1169 01:10:16,100 --> 01:10:18,868 Um, maybe you should take that vodka. 1170 01:10:18,870 --> 01:10:20,705 I think you're going to need it more than me. 1171 01:10:39,857 --> 01:10:41,659 You should probably have this too. 1172 01:10:43,127 --> 01:10:44,494 I can't take that. 1173 01:10:45,096 --> 01:10:46,527 I told you, I'm retired. 1174 01:10:46,529 --> 01:10:48,496 I know, but those are your jokes. 1175 01:10:48,498 --> 01:10:49,700 But not if I give them to you. 1176 01:10:50,167 --> 01:10:54,837 Plus, you won't even really use them, you know? 1177 01:10:54,839 --> 01:10:58,175 The stuff that you come up with is going to be your own. 1178 01:10:58,876 --> 01:11:03,446 Way better than 900 jokes about boners and buttholes. 1179 01:11:04,715 --> 01:11:06,483 Just take it. 1180 01:11:09,754 --> 01:11:14,759 And if I can just give you one little thing of advice. 1181 01:11:16,661 --> 01:11:20,197 Now, this is coming from Tim Fletcher, 1182 01:11:20,965 --> 01:11:23,699 currently headlining at a hotel 1183 01:11:23,701 --> 01:11:26,567 in International Falls, Minnesota, so. 1184 01:11:26,569 --> 01:11:27,537 Grain of salt. 1185 01:11:28,940 --> 01:11:34,544 If you go through with this... just tell the truth... 1186 01:11:36,013 --> 01:11:37,748 no matter how ugly it is. 1187 01:11:38,749 --> 01:11:39,817 Be yourself. 1188 01:11:40,851 --> 01:11:42,084 Because you're authentic and you're fucking funny. 1189 01:11:46,757 --> 01:11:49,226 Maybe I could get one more. 1190 01:11:57,567 --> 01:12:00,237 I was going to say handjob. 1191 01:12:01,138 --> 01:12:02,173 I know. 1192 01:12:09,981 --> 01:12:11,115 Bye, Tim. 1193 01:12:21,058 --> 01:12:22,159 Bye, Dee. 1194 01:12:30,600 --> 01:12:32,535 Hey, um, it's me. 1195 01:12:33,838 --> 01:12:37,574 I know it's late but I was hoping I could talk to him. 1196 01:12:40,044 --> 01:12:43,513 Can you just please tell him that I love him. 1197 01:12:44,915 --> 01:12:47,651 And, uh, tell him I'm sorry, okay? 1198 01:12:51,655 --> 01:12:53,090 I hope he likes the moose. 1199 01:12:55,659 --> 01:12:56,559 Okay. 1200 01:13:56,153 --> 01:13:57,221 I'm sorry. 1201 01:14:02,660 --> 01:14:03,661 Do you think I'm funny? 1202 01:14:05,663 --> 01:14:06,730 Yeah. 1203 01:14:08,332 --> 01:14:09,800 Yeah, I think you're funny. 1204 01:14:11,068 --> 01:14:15,072 And you're beautiful and, and... 1205 01:14:16,707 --> 01:14:19,376 y... you're funny, uh. 1206 01:14:21,879 --> 01:14:22,980 I'm not leaving you. 1207 01:14:25,816 --> 01:14:27,985 That's not how this is going to be described. 1208 01:14:28,452 --> 01:14:29,954 We're ending our marriage 1209 01:14:30,321 --> 01:14:32,389 because we both know that it's over. 1210 01:14:34,091 --> 01:14:36,091 We can sell the house or you can live in it, 1211 01:14:36,093 --> 01:14:38,662 but I'm not going to live here anymore. 1212 01:14:40,764 --> 01:14:43,000 We'll share custody of the girls. 1213 01:14:44,101 --> 01:14:45,703 We can tell them together. 1214 01:14:46,937 --> 01:14:50,439 We'll talk to their teachers and their counselors 1215 01:14:50,441 --> 01:14:51,976 or whatever, at school. 1216 01:14:54,211 --> 01:14:56,213 I'm not using your infidelity... 1217 01:14:59,283 --> 01:15:01,185 as leverage for anything, 1218 01:15:02,119 --> 01:15:05,156 except your silence in this moment. 1219 01:15:11,328 --> 01:15:12,396 Fuck you, Gary. 1220 01:15:14,331 --> 01:15:16,033 I wasn't happy either. 1221 01:15:16,734 --> 01:15:19,904 We could've at least talked about it. 1222 01:15:20,871 --> 01:15:25,442 I'm sorry I pretended to be happier than I was. 1223 01:15:27,278 --> 01:15:32,383 To think that you thought I was that stupid. 1224 01:15:33,384 --> 01:15:34,752 You know... 1225 01:15:36,754 --> 01:15:39,188 I mean, God. 1226 01:15:39,190 --> 01:15:40,224 It's so... 1227 01:15:54,171 --> 01:15:55,873 God, okay. 1228 01:15:59,043 --> 01:16:00,409 Okay. 1229 01:16:00,411 --> 01:16:01,843 I don't have to actually ask you 1230 01:16:01,845 --> 01:16:03,347 to sleep on the couch, right? 1231 01:17:36,507 --> 01:17:38,373 So, did he say anything that 1232 01:17:38,375 --> 01:17:39,910 might've made you think that he... 1233 01:17:42,346 --> 01:17:44,012 - No, no. - Perfect. 1234 01:17:44,014 --> 01:17:45,881 No, I mean, I knew that it was his last show 1235 01:17:45,883 --> 01:17:48,350 - as a comedian. - Perfect. 1236 01:17:48,352 --> 01:17:50,385 And I knew he had the pills, but he said 1237 01:17:50,387 --> 01:17:53,190 - that they were his ex-wife's, so, uh... - Perfect. 1238 01:17:54,458 --> 01:17:55,592 I mean, you just... 1239 01:17:57,561 --> 01:17:58,994 I just didn't think. 1240 01:17:58,996 --> 01:18:00,197 Well, how could you? 1241 01:18:00,564 --> 01:18:02,230 It's a crazy thing. 1242 01:18:02,232 --> 01:18:05,467 When someone closes up their own fishing hole 1243 01:18:05,469 --> 01:18:07,037 before the, uh, spring thaw. 1244 01:18:07,905 --> 01:18:11,608 - You know, it's, it's sad. - Yeah. Yeah. 1245 01:18:12,343 --> 01:18:13,911 - Did he leave a note? - No. 1246 01:18:15,680 --> 01:18:17,680 Uh, maybe you should have this. 1247 01:18:17,682 --> 01:18:19,116 It, uh, it belonged to him. 1248 01:18:19,616 --> 01:18:21,983 - What is it? - Uh, it's his joke book. 1249 01:18:21,985 --> 01:18:24,553 Has, like, jokes and ideas and thoughts. 1250 01:18:24,555 --> 01:18:25,422 Oh. 1251 01:18:26,190 --> 01:18:27,558 So, like a diary? 1252 01:18:28,192 --> 01:18:29,259 Uh, a journal. 1253 01:18:30,327 --> 01:18:32,662 Perfect. Have you, have you looked at any of it? 1254 01:18:32,664 --> 01:18:34,598 Uh, yeah, pretty much all of it. 1255 01:18:35,232 --> 01:18:36,431 Anything I need to see? 1256 01:18:36,433 --> 01:18:37,468 Probably not. 1257 01:18:38,402 --> 01:18:40,571 Well, if he gave it to you then... 1258 01:18:44,108 --> 01:18:45,876 Sorry you had to go through all this and all. 1259 01:18:46,243 --> 01:18:48,212 I need anything else, I'll give you a call at home. 1260 01:18:49,346 --> 01:18:52,015 Uh, you know, actually, I'm, I'm staying here. 1261 01:18:52,483 --> 01:18:53,450 Oh. 1262 01:18:54,318 --> 01:18:55,183 Yeah, no, it's just for a few days. 1263 01:18:55,185 --> 01:18:57,588 You know, until I can find a place. 1264 01:18:58,489 --> 01:18:59,390 Okay. 1265 01:19:00,023 --> 01:19:01,291 Say hi to Gary for me. 1266 01:19:13,637 --> 01:19:15,205 You fucking asshole. 1267 01:19:25,315 --> 01:19:26,383 Hey, uh. 1268 01:19:27,985 --> 01:19:29,451 What about his personal things? 1269 01:19:29,453 --> 01:19:32,154 Oh, well, they'll be right up for those. 1270 01:19:32,156 --> 01:19:34,022 We should be all done within a couple of hours 1271 01:19:34,024 --> 01:19:36,258 and then housekeeping can come on in. 1272 01:19:36,260 --> 01:19:37,626 There wasn't a big mess or anything, 1273 01:19:37,628 --> 01:19:39,327 just a little throw up on the sheets. 1274 01:19:39,329 --> 01:19:41,329 But you might want to tell them to give it 1275 01:19:41,331 --> 01:19:43,200 an extra pass, you know. 1276 01:20:30,180 --> 01:20:31,448 You fucking asshole. 1277 01:20:41,058 --> 01:20:42,092 Come along, dear. 1278 01:20:43,293 --> 01:20:45,193 Oh, welcome to International Falls. 1279 01:20:45,195 --> 01:20:46,729 - Checking in? - Hi. 1280 01:20:46,731 --> 01:20:48,430 Yes, please. One room. 1281 01:20:48,432 --> 01:20:49,734 - Ah, sure. - Two beds. 1282 01:20:54,471 --> 01:20:55,773 Fucking asshole. 1283 01:21:12,356 --> 01:21:14,191 Go on, there you go, keep going. 1284 01:21:15,760 --> 01:21:17,261 Okay, fingers and toes? 1285 01:21:18,763 --> 01:21:19,664 All right. 1286 01:21:21,465 --> 01:21:23,632 ♪ On a stick that Makes me sick ♪ 1287 01:21:23,634 --> 01:21:27,235 ♪ That makes my tummy Go two, four, six ♪ 1288 01:21:27,237 --> 01:21:30,205 ♪ Not because it's dirty Not because it's clean ♪ 1289 01:21:30,207 --> 01:21:33,110 ♪ Just because you kissed A boy behind a magazine ♪ 1290 01:21:33,644 --> 01:21:35,445 Hey! 1291 01:21:49,894 --> 01:21:52,193 Just saw a couple riding a tandem bike 1292 01:21:52,195 --> 01:21:54,664 together unironically. 1293 01:21:54,666 --> 01:21:58,166 I will never be that happy in my life. 1294 01:22:00,437 --> 01:22:02,072 That I don't try and be now. 1295 01:22:04,408 --> 01:22:05,810 If you're ready. 1296 01:22:07,812 --> 01:22:09,313 Yeah, okay. 1297 01:22:19,623 --> 01:22:21,558 Well, welcome back to single life. 1298 01:22:43,480 --> 01:22:44,648 Did you take your break? 1299 01:22:45,683 --> 01:22:46,916 Nope. 1300 01:22:50,454 --> 01:22:53,725 Motherfuck, it's so goddamn cold! 1301 01:22:55,392 --> 01:22:56,792 I mean, I've been to Chicago a few times, 1302 01:22:56,794 --> 01:22:58,595 but this is fucking cold! 1303 01:22:59,296 --> 01:23:00,430 Pardon my French. 1304 01:23:00,832 --> 01:23:03,166 No, I know, I know, it is. 1305 01:23:03,533 --> 01:23:05,668 Bernie Bryce, comedian for tonight. 1306 01:23:05,670 --> 01:23:07,304 Yeah, I, I figured. 1307 01:23:08,773 --> 01:23:11,141 Were you guys here last week? 1308 01:23:12,576 --> 01:23:15,178 - Mm-hmm. - Did you see the comic, Tim Fletcher? 1309 01:23:16,948 --> 01:23:19,449 - Yes. - That fucking asshole. 1310 01:23:20,484 --> 01:23:22,754 He was a friend of mine. Well, I considered him a friend. 1311 01:23:23,320 --> 01:23:24,954 I don't know what he considered me, but. 1312 01:23:24,956 --> 01:23:27,923 You know what? I don't give a fuck. We were friends. 1313 01:23:27,925 --> 01:23:30,627 We went on the road a few times, stuff like that, you know? 1314 01:23:31,328 --> 01:23:33,863 I'm sorry, it must be hard. 1315 01:23:33,865 --> 01:23:34,899 Yeah. 1316 01:23:36,333 --> 01:23:37,632 It is. 1317 01:23:37,634 --> 01:23:38,535 Every time. 1318 01:23:42,439 --> 01:23:44,876 Hey, are you the one who wants to be a comic? 1319 01:23:45,910 --> 01:23:48,643 - Um. - Yeah, she is. 1320 01:23:48,645 --> 01:23:50,478 You know, uh, Tim sent me an email, 1321 01:23:50,480 --> 01:23:51,716 he knew I was coming this week. 1322 01:23:52,917 --> 01:23:54,752 Said you were really funny and I should give you some time. 1323 01:23:55,485 --> 01:23:56,819 - Time? - Yeah. 1324 01:23:56,821 --> 01:23:58,353 Stage time. 1325 01:23:58,355 --> 01:23:59,256 You want it? 1326 01:23:59,957 --> 01:24:02,590 Uh... sure. 1327 01:24:02,592 --> 01:24:05,593 Well, right on. All right, look. Five would be great, 1328 01:24:05,595 --> 01:24:07,797 ten will be even better, but I'll take what I can get 1329 01:24:07,799 --> 01:24:09,801 and I'll give you a 100 bucks out of what I make. 1330 01:24:11,334 --> 01:24:14,602 Okay, yeah, sure, yes, sure, of course! 1331 01:24:14,604 --> 01:24:18,007 All right. All right, you know the kid who's, uh, hosting? 1332 01:24:18,009 --> 01:24:20,408 - Yes. - All right, well, can you fill him in? 1333 01:24:20,410 --> 01:24:22,011 - Sure thing. - All right. 1334 01:24:22,013 --> 01:24:24,980 Yeah. Um, okay, so, uh, here's your room. It's, uh, 1335 01:24:24,982 --> 01:24:26,548 it's room 219. 1336 01:24:26,550 --> 01:24:28,485 - And that's on the second floor? - Right. 1337 01:24:31,555 --> 01:24:33,588 Hey, are there Canadians here? 1338 01:24:33,590 --> 01:24:35,290 'Cause I, I hate Canadians. 1339 01:24:35,292 --> 01:24:37,459 Uh, uh, yes, there will be some. 1340 01:24:37,461 --> 01:24:39,797 Ah, Goddamn Canadians, they suck at heckling. 1341 01:24:40,430 --> 01:24:42,064 Yeah, it's just constructive criticism. 1342 01:24:44,836 --> 01:24:46,401 You're going to be funny tonight. 1343 01:24:54,746 --> 01:24:57,512 Well, up first, uh, tonight we have a hometown gal 1344 01:24:57,514 --> 01:24:59,347 making her standup comedy debut. 1345 01:24:59,349 --> 01:25:01,449 Uh, she insisted that I say that so as 1346 01:25:01,451 --> 01:25:04,454 to lower the bar but, uh, she won't need any help, she's great. 1347 01:25:04,889 --> 01:25:09,658 Please give a lot of love to Miss Dee Williamson. 1348 01:25:09,660 --> 01:25:12,562 Go Dee! 1349 01:25:16,868 --> 01:25:20,370 Hi. Hi, everybody. Oh, wait, one second. 1350 01:25:21,839 --> 01:25:22,940 Let's get this. 1351 01:25:23,908 --> 01:25:24,909 Uh... 1352 01:25:26,077 --> 01:25:27,644 I'm just going to record this. 1353 01:25:28,679 --> 01:25:30,880 This is going to be worth a lot of money someday. 1354 01:25:30,882 --> 01:25:32,447 So, okay. 1355 01:25:32,449 --> 01:25:34,284 All right, well, okay. 1356 01:25:35,418 --> 01:25:36,286 All right. 1357 01:25:36,988 --> 01:25:39,857 All right, well, um, uh... 1358 01:25:40,590 --> 01:25:45,627 Hi, everybody. Thanks so much, whoops, for coming out tonight, um. 1359 01:25:45,629 --> 01:25:51,969 As, what's his name said, this is my first time doing this. 1360 01:25:52,937 --> 01:25:58,540 Um, you might know me from, well, uh... anywhere, 1361 01:25:58,542 --> 01:26:03,645 uh, because there are like five buildings in, uh, the town, 1362 01:26:03,647 --> 01:26:05,480 so we all know each other. 1363 01:26:05,482 --> 01:26:07,149 Which could hurt me, you know, or help me 1364 01:26:07,151 --> 01:26:09,551 depending on if you're friends with my ex-husband. 1365 01:26:09,553 --> 01:26:12,154 So I'm just going to take a little test, you know, 1366 01:26:12,156 --> 01:26:15,623 just take the temperature of the room and see how it is. 1367 01:26:15,625 --> 01:26:17,061 You know, see what I'm dealing with. 1368 01:26:17,895 --> 01:26:22,430 So, um, so, so, my husband's penis is so small 1369 01:26:22,432 --> 01:26:23,966 that I got divorced this week. 1370 01:26:27,404 --> 01:26:29,537 Yeah, okay. Okay. 1371 01:26:29,539 --> 01:26:32,007 That's a good sign, that's a good sign. 1372 01:26:32,009 --> 01:26:35,177 Um, I, I don't want to be too mean because I recognize some of, 1373 01:26:35,179 --> 01:26:38,681 uh, I see like an old, uh, high school hockey player 1374 01:26:38,683 --> 01:26:41,183 friend of his from, from way back in the audience, right? 1375 01:26:41,185 --> 01:26:43,719 So you, so you already know about his tiny dick. 1376 01:26:45,756 --> 01:26:47,656 Okay, so. Um. 1377 01:26:47,658 --> 01:26:50,693 Okay, so, my ex-husband loves pornography. Loves it. 1378 01:26:50,695 --> 01:26:51,994 Loves it, can't get enough of it. 1379 01:26:51,996 --> 01:26:53,865 The kind of porn that he's into 1380 01:26:54,631 --> 01:26:57,634 is, uh, it's called CFNM. 1381 01:26:59,036 --> 01:27:01,103 Clean Fingers Never Masturbate, right? 1382 01:27:01,105 --> 01:27:02,707 I mean, right, that's what that means. 1383 01:27:03,207 --> 01:27:05,506 Right, right? No, no. 1384 01:27:05,508 --> 01:27:10,380 It actually means Clothed Female Naked Male. 1385 01:27:11,949 --> 01:27:14,216 I mean, it, it doesn't really matter to me. I mean, we all know 1386 01:27:14,218 --> 01:27:16,085 he's watching it for the big dicks, right? 1387 01:27:18,990 --> 01:27:21,625 Okay, so, uh. 1388 01:27:29,033 --> 01:27:31,168 No, um, actually. 1389 01:27:31,969 --> 01:27:35,706 Actually, I left my ex-husband, uh, because he cheated on me. 1390 01:27:36,941 --> 01:27:39,643 Cheated on me. Yeah, I know, I caught him. 1391 01:27:41,578 --> 01:27:42,780 CFNM. 1392 01:27:43,580 --> 01:27:45,814 Corn-Fed Narcissistic Motherfucker. 1393 01:27:45,816 --> 01:27:47,151 That's what that means. 1394 01:27:47,952 --> 01:27:50,655 That's right. So, um, so get this. 1395 01:27:51,689 --> 01:27:52,721 So get this. 1396 01:27:52,723 --> 01:27:53,991 I'm pumping my gas... 1397 01:27:55,192 --> 01:27:56,626 all on my own, 1398 01:27:57,862 --> 01:28:00,064 because now I'm divorced and I'm free and I'm independent. 1399 01:28:00,865 --> 01:28:02,965 Guess who pulls up right next to me, 1400 01:28:02,967 --> 01:28:04,135 while I'm at the gas station? 1401 01:28:05,202 --> 01:28:08,806 Guess who, just take a wild stab. 1402 01:28:09,506 --> 01:28:13,144 I mean, I knew I was going to see her eventually, right? 1403 01:28:14,211 --> 01:28:17,179 But only in this stupid charming fucking little town 1404 01:28:17,181 --> 01:28:19,547 would it happen that fast. 1405 01:28:19,549 --> 01:28:21,684 I mean, so, yeah, 1406 01:28:21,686 --> 01:28:23,719 there she was right in front of me. 1407 01:28:23,721 --> 01:28:25,156 So I did the mature thing... 1408 01:28:27,191 --> 01:28:29,894 and I follow her in. 1409 01:28:30,795 --> 01:28:31,963 Mm-hmm. Yeah. 1410 01:28:33,030 --> 01:28:34,763 I follow her in, and when I get in there, 1411 01:28:34,765 --> 01:28:36,832 you know, she's not in there and I'm thinking, 1412 01:28:36,834 --> 01:28:39,234 "Where did, where did this girl go? Did she, uh, 1413 01:28:39,236 --> 01:28:41,138 did she just vanish right back to hell? 1414 01:28:41,806 --> 01:28:43,205 Or she's in the bathroom throwing up 1415 01:28:43,207 --> 01:28:45,606 to make more room for my husband's semen." 1416 01:28:47,278 --> 01:28:49,878 There's like a bunch of canes over here, like, by, uh, 1417 01:28:49,880 --> 01:28:51,747 you know, like the kind of shit you see 1418 01:28:51,749 --> 01:28:55,684 in like, Cracker Barrel and stuff. And so, I pick up a cane. 1419 01:28:55,686 --> 01:28:58,619 No fucking clue what I'm going to say or do, 1420 01:28:58,621 --> 01:29:02,291 when yes, she opens the door. 1421 01:29:02,293 --> 01:29:05,763 And like, I mean, I'm razor-focused on this bitch, 1422 01:29:06,130 --> 01:29:10,866 and she looks a bit startled, if not a bit scared, right? 1423 01:29:10,868 --> 01:29:12,069 At what I'm going to do. 1424 01:29:12,970 --> 01:29:14,737 And I lay it on her with this. 1425 01:29:19,844 --> 01:29:20,878 Is this yours? 1426 01:29:22,213 --> 01:29:23,147 No. 1427 01:29:23,981 --> 01:29:25,648 Oh, oh, okay. 1428 01:29:26,017 --> 01:29:27,018 Okay. 1429 01:29:28,252 --> 01:29:29,854 But then all of a sudden this... 1430 01:29:31,722 --> 01:29:37,728 this wall of shit smell comes all over my body, 1431 01:29:38,329 --> 01:29:43,065 up into my nostrils... and into my lungs, 1432 01:29:43,067 --> 01:29:46,170 and I'm thinking, "Oh, my God." 1433 01:29:46,871 --> 01:29:48,603 And I look at her and I say: 1434 01:29:48,605 --> 01:29:50,839 Wait. You poop 1435 01:29:50,841 --> 01:29:52,808 in gas station bathrooms? 1436 01:29:57,248 --> 01:29:59,081 You're disgusting! 1437 01:30:03,354 --> 01:30:04,255 All right. 1438 01:30:06,157 --> 01:30:07,790 And then I beat her to death with the cane. 1439 01:30:16,233 --> 01:30:17,134 I did. 1440 01:30:18,269 --> 01:30:21,571 I did, you guys. That cane is nowhere to be found now. 1441 01:30:22,039 --> 01:30:25,076 I don't know where it is, but if it ever comes back to me, it ain't mine. 1442 01:30:25,810 --> 01:30:26,909 No, uh. 1443 01:30:37,421 --> 01:30:39,154 - No. - Stay away! 1444 01:30:39,156 --> 01:30:40,658 Get away! 1445 01:30:50,134 --> 01:30:53,669 So, yes, I'm a freshly divorced mother of two, 1446 01:30:53,671 --> 01:30:57,039 with an alarmingly low amount of menstrual cycles left, 1447 01:30:57,041 --> 01:31:00,375 embarking on a comedy career in standup. 1448 01:31:00,377 --> 01:31:03,946 That's right. That's right, fellas, 1449 01:31:03,948 --> 01:31:06,215 the line starts right here. 1450 01:31:06,217 --> 01:31:07,382 It's right here. 1451 01:31:07,384 --> 01:31:08,319 CFNM? 1452 01:31:08,886 --> 01:31:11,453 Clitoris Finds New Meaning. 1453 01:31:13,290 --> 01:31:15,124 But I should really warn you guys. 1454 01:31:15,126 --> 01:31:17,126 I mean, seriously, I really need to warn you guys 1455 01:31:17,128 --> 01:31:21,098 that the, the, uh, the last man I fucked 1456 01:31:21,732 --> 01:31:23,367 committed suicide right after. 1457 01:31:26,170 --> 01:31:28,837 Now, if that's not a mindfuck, I don't know what is. 1458 01:31:28,839 --> 01:31:32,007 I mean, I get it. I, I get it, you don't want a second date. 1459 01:31:36,413 --> 01:31:39,181 I was a little depressed, after that, 1460 01:31:39,183 --> 01:31:42,753 you know, in fairness, I was, you know? You know? 1461 01:31:43,154 --> 01:31:45,454 I mean, driving a man to his death just from 1462 01:31:45,456 --> 01:31:47,990 the sheer disappointment of fucking me? 1463 01:31:50,861 --> 01:31:54,396 It's harsh, it's harsh. I mean, my God. 1464 01:31:54,398 --> 01:31:57,933 But then I changed my mind, 'cause I thought 1465 01:31:57,935 --> 01:32:00,903 maybe after we, you know, we, we put on our clothes 1466 01:32:00,905 --> 01:32:04,375 and said our goodbyes, that he had a thought, 1467 01:32:05,109 --> 01:32:06,777 you know, and that he realized... 1468 01:32:08,012 --> 01:32:09,945 it's never going to get any better than that. 1469 01:32:09,947 --> 01:32:12,781 Right? 1470 01:32:12,783 --> 01:32:15,951 I mean, I made a bucket list 1471 01:32:15,953 --> 01:32:17,920 and a fuck it list in one night. 1472 01:32:17,922 --> 01:32:20,758 I, I am the pinnacle. 1473 01:32:21,325 --> 01:32:24,195 I am Everest. 1474 01:32:25,196 --> 01:32:27,031 The Aurora Borealis. 1475 01:32:27,798 --> 01:32:28,966 The Grand Canyon. 1476 01:32:29,967 --> 01:32:32,234 Seriously, I've had two children. 1477 01:32:32,236 --> 01:32:38,073 I mean, once you've had me... there's no reason to go on. 1478 01:32:40,544 --> 01:32:42,146 But please, folks... 1479 01:32:43,847 --> 01:32:44,882 please. 1480 01:32:49,954 --> 01:32:50,988 Try. 1481 01:33:02,995 --> 01:33:07,995 Subtitles by explosiveskull @ subs4free.info 105934

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