Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,784 --> 00:00:03,481
To my dear friends,
Melissa and Sadie.
2
00:00:03,525 --> 00:00:05,048
Aw.Five years together.
3
00:00:05,092 --> 00:00:06,441
That is awesome.Hear, hear.
4
00:00:06,484 --> 00:00:08,051
What is your secret?I don't really think there is
5
00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:11,054
a secret. I think
it's just about...
6
00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:12,882
love, understanding, and...
7
00:00:12,925 --> 00:00:14,405
two sets of boobs.
8
00:00:14,449 --> 00:00:16,886
I love boobs.
I love 'em.
9
00:00:16,929 --> 00:00:17,887
I love...
10
00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:18,627
everything about 'em.Okay.
11
00:00:18,670 --> 00:00:19,671
Yeah, I do, too.
12
00:00:19,715 --> 00:00:21,064
All different kinds.
[blubbering]
13
00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:22,935
[blubbering]
Yeah, that's my... too.
14
00:00:22,979 --> 00:00:24,285
I love them.
15
00:00:24,328 --> 00:00:26,678
SCHMIDT:
And the Curiosity Rover
has touched down
16
00:00:26,722 --> 00:00:28,071
on the planet of Mars.SADIE: What's
happening right now?
17
00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:29,072
What's happening
in there?
18
00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:30,073
Schmidt's in there
19
00:00:30,117 --> 00:00:31,466
with his boss.
20
00:00:31,509 --> 00:00:33,163
He's "entertaining" her.
21
00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:34,164
Ew.
22
00:00:34,208 --> 00:00:35,774
I don't care what he does.
23
00:00:35,818 --> 00:00:37,950
I just don't understand
why he has to narrate it!
24
00:00:37,994 --> 00:00:39,126
SCHMIDT:
Robot arm engaged!
25
00:00:39,169 --> 00:00:41,084
It's just engaged now?
26
00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:43,086
So he's saying
everything up to this point
27
00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:44,566
has been foreplay?
28
00:00:44,609 --> 00:00:45,697
Are you kidding me?
That's ridiculous.
29
00:00:45,741 --> 00:00:46,959
What are you gonna do
for 20 minutes
30
00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:48,178
of foreplay?
31
00:00:48,222 --> 00:00:50,398
Boring! Yawn!
32
00:00:53,183 --> 00:00:54,532
Am I right, ladies?
33
00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:56,273
So, I actually know
what's about to happen next.
34
00:00:56,317 --> 00:00:58,710
You will all want
to cover your ears.SCHMIDT: I found water!
35
00:00:58,754 --> 00:01:01,104
No, I didn't do it in time.Oh, he found...
36
00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:02,801
Has anybody seen a movie
in the last five months,
37
00:01:02,845 --> 00:01:05,891
and can you describe the plot
in great detail and loudly?
38
00:01:05,935 --> 00:01:08,938
Okay, you're dry.Actually, I'm good.
Thank you.
39
00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:10,983
Come on. I spent six dollars
on this wine.
40
00:01:11,027 --> 00:01:13,334
I've been looking for the right
time to tell you tonight,
41
00:01:13,377 --> 00:01:16,032
[Schmidt singing Ride
of the Valkyriestheme]but Melissa and I are so excited
42
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:17,686
because... Wow.
43
00:01:17,729 --> 00:01:19,601
That is so upsetting.
44
00:01:21,211 --> 00:01:22,734
What mission is this based on?!
45
00:01:22,778 --> 00:01:24,736
I'm pregnant!
We are pregnant!
46
00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:27,565
Wha...?[excited shouts]
47
00:01:30,873 --> 00:01:34,311
Lesbian baby.
Congratulations, you guys.
48
00:01:34,355 --> 00:01:36,139
♪ Who's that girl?
49
00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:38,837
♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess.
50
00:01:43,668 --> 00:01:45,148
I feel so lucky,
you know?
51
00:01:45,192 --> 00:01:47,368
Like I really tucked this
one in just under the wire.
52
00:01:47,411 --> 00:01:48,934
What do you mean?
You're so young.
53
00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:50,936
As your friendly
neighborhood gynecologist,
54
00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:53,069
you should know that by
the time a lady hits 30,
55
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,506
she loses about
90% of her eggs.
56
00:01:55,550 --> 00:01:57,378
What?
CECE:
No, th-that
57
00:01:57,421 --> 00:01:58,335
can't be true.What?
58
00:01:58,379 --> 00:01:59,641
Did you know
that there's a test
59
00:01:59,684 --> 00:02:00,990
that you can take
that tells you how many beans
60
00:02:01,033 --> 00:02:02,948
you got left
in your bean sack?Ovaries.
61
00:02:02,992 --> 00:02:04,167
It estimates
basically
62
00:02:04,211 --> 00:02:06,256
how many childbearing
years you have left.
63
00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:07,170
Yeah, get this baloney:
64
00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:09,390
I'm 32, but my eggs are 48,
65
00:02:09,433 --> 00:02:12,393
and my vagina is 97.
66
00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:13,524
I am so uncomfortable.But it gets
67
00:02:13,568 --> 00:02:15,178
better with age-- it's like
68
00:02:15,222 --> 00:02:17,267
the vagina Helen Mirren.Oh, boy.
69
00:02:17,311 --> 00:02:18,616
I've got big plans
for the centennial.
70
00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:19,617
JESS:
When can I take
71
00:02:19,661 --> 00:02:20,401
that test?
CECE:
Who cares?
72
00:02:20,444 --> 00:02:22,359
Personally, I'm still on
73
00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:23,534
the please-God-I-hope-
I'm-not-pregnant phase.
74
00:02:23,578 --> 00:02:25,362
What am I doing here?You know, just
75
00:02:25,406 --> 00:02:26,363
clinically speaking,
it's probably
76
00:02:26,407 --> 00:02:28,191
a good idea to know.JESS: I want
77
00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,192
to take this test! Like, now.
78
00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:30,193
Can we take this test right now?
79
00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:31,194
WINSTON:
Morning, ladies.
80
00:02:31,238 --> 00:02:32,195
And Nick.
81
00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:33,196
Morning?Well, I mean, I work
82
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,328
nights now, so I'm
83
00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:36,199
on an adjusted
sleeping schedule.
84
00:02:36,243 --> 00:02:37,679
I just woke up,
here's my breakfast,
85
00:02:37,722 --> 00:02:39,420
I'm going to work.
86
00:02:39,463 --> 00:02:40,595
Take me with you! They're
talking about vaginas!
87
00:02:40,638 --> 00:02:42,074
I hate it! Take
me with you!
88
00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:43,337
[laughing]
89
00:02:44,468 --> 00:02:47,123
Our bodies really
made something.
90
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,256
I feel like we brought
manufacturing jobs
91
00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:50,605
back to America.Yeah,
92
00:02:50,648 --> 00:02:51,867
it was fine.
93
00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:53,216
What do you mean "fine"?
94
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:54,609
I broke your brain, girl.
95
00:02:54,652 --> 00:02:56,437
How do I put this delicately?
96
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,090
I was...
97
00:02:58,134 --> 00:02:59,831
nowhere close to finishing.
98
00:02:59,875 --> 00:03:01,398
I was bored.
99
00:03:01,442 --> 00:03:03,357
And cold.
100
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:09,014
[quietly]:
That's cool. Uh...
101
00:03:09,058 --> 00:03:10,625
No, yeah.
102
00:03:10,668 --> 00:03:12,235
[chuckles]
103
00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:14,237
World shattered.
104
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:16,283
We'll try again.
It'll be better.
105
00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:18,894
The world I once lived in...
shattered.
106
00:03:18,937 --> 00:03:19,721
All right, see you at work.
107
00:03:19,764 --> 00:03:22,419
See you at work.
108
00:03:22,463 --> 00:03:24,378
MAN:
Put me on the air.
I got something to say
109
00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:26,293
about Andrew Bynum's hair.
110
00:03:26,336 --> 00:03:28,251
All right, caller,
you're up next.
111
00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:30,601
Look at you, man. This is great.
112
00:03:30,645 --> 00:03:32,037
You're the king
of your own castle.
113
00:03:32,081 --> 00:03:34,039
[chuckles]
114
00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:35,476
Look at this. What is this?
115
00:03:35,519 --> 00:03:37,869
Why do you need so many pens,
you big shot?
116
00:03:37,913 --> 00:03:39,306
I like what I do, man.
I finally feel like my life
117
00:03:39,349 --> 00:03:40,698
is moving
in the right direction.
118
00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:41,917
That is what I don't have
119
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,266
in my life.
120
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:45,268
But not anymore.
121
00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:47,705
I'm gonna take
one of these pens,
122
00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:49,098
I'm gonna go home,
123
00:03:49,141 --> 00:03:51,318
and I'm gonna write
my zombie novel.
124
00:03:52,362 --> 00:03:53,624
You don't think
I can do it, do you?
125
00:03:53,668 --> 00:03:55,496
You know, it's not that.
It's just that sometimes
126
00:03:55,539 --> 00:03:56,323
I get the feeling that you...
127
00:03:56,366 --> 00:03:58,238
don't want to write.
128
00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:03,417
[scoffs]
129
00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:06,768
No more excuses.
I'm gonna go home,
130
00:04:06,811 --> 00:04:08,335
and I'm gonna write that novel.
131
00:04:08,378 --> 00:04:09,336
And I'll be the
first to read it.
132
00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:11,163
We got a deal, friend.Deal.
133
00:04:11,207 --> 00:04:12,904
on the line.
Yeah, you still have me
MAN:
134
00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:14,906
write that book.
My two cents? He's never gonna
135
00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:17,300
Why don't you shut up,
Manny from Cerritos?
Okay.
136
00:04:17,344 --> 00:04:19,259
Who asked you?
Hang up the phone.
All right.
137
00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:21,217
We should go.
138
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,349
Melissa's been drinking for two.
139
00:04:22,392 --> 00:04:23,741
Three.
140
00:04:23,785 --> 00:04:25,352
JESS:
Awesome night, ladies.
141
00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:27,310
Educational. Thank you.Sorry. I'm just...
142
00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:28,964
Okay. I'm sorry.
What?
143
00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:30,966
Sadie, before you leave, can I
just ask you a few questions?
144
00:04:31,009 --> 00:04:31,923
I know where this is going.
145
00:04:31,967 --> 00:04:33,098
You are a gynecologist
146
00:04:33,142 --> 00:04:34,535
anda lesbian,
147
00:04:34,578 --> 00:04:35,666
which makes you...
148
00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:36,667
well, a va-genius.
149
00:04:36,711 --> 00:04:37,929
Jar.
I know
150
00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:39,496
my way around a Grizzly Adams.
151
00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:40,497
You, too? Jar.
152
00:04:40,541 --> 00:04:42,325
Wh...
As an adult male,
153
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:43,544
I would like to ask you a few
154
00:04:43,587 --> 00:04:44,980
questions about,
you know,
155
00:04:45,023 --> 00:04:46,155
the downstairs girl cookie.
156
00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:47,461
Jars, jars, all around jars!
157
00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:49,941
This is my personal time
right now.
158
00:04:49,985 --> 00:04:50,812
You can make an appointment
at my office,
159
00:04:50,855 --> 00:04:53,510
pay your $40 co-pay.
160
00:04:53,554 --> 00:04:55,164
I will be happy
to answer your questions.
161
00:04:55,207 --> 00:04:56,774
Yes! I'm in. Please.
162
00:04:56,818 --> 00:04:59,560
Now, would I have to put
my legs up in the stirrups?
163
00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:01,344
Why would you?I'm asking more
so out of curiosity
164
00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:03,390
than fear. #excitement.Are you done?
165
00:05:03,433 --> 00:05:05,348
I'm done. I'll see you, okay?
166
00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:06,393
I'm gonna call the office.Okay.
167
00:05:06,436 --> 00:05:08,569
Well, thank you, guys,
for the...
168
00:05:08,612 --> 00:05:10,440
awesome drunky
169
00:05:10,484 --> 00:05:12,224
thing and the weirdly
sobering end.
Look,
170
00:05:12,268 --> 00:05:14,009
I know Sadie freaked you out
with all this talk about tests,
171
00:05:14,052 --> 00:05:15,445
but I just want
to remind you
172
00:05:15,489 --> 00:05:16,359
that at the end of the day,
173
00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,405
it's all about love.
174
00:05:18,448 --> 00:05:20,058
I mean, I love Sadie.
175
00:05:20,102 --> 00:05:21,582
I want
176
00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:23,410
my babies to have
her beautiful face.
177
00:05:23,453 --> 00:05:25,716
As long as they don't get
her big, fat man-feet.
178
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,415
Yuck. Fingers crossed
we go donor on that one.
179
00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:29,677
Okay.
180
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,156
Let's make a graceful exit,
my love.
Okay.
181
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:32,375
Hey, get out of here,
182
00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:33,202
you crazy lesbos,
183
00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:34,595
with your baby-making!
184
00:05:34,638 --> 00:05:35,857
Ooh!
Whoo!
185
00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:37,293
Ah! I'm married;
I'm not dead!
186
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,295
CECE:
See you.
Night.
187
00:05:40,775 --> 00:05:43,473
Drive safely.
188
00:05:43,517 --> 00:05:45,823
[panting]
189
00:05:45,867 --> 00:05:47,999
90% of our eggs, huh?
190
00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:50,045
That's crazy. I'm panicking.
191
00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:51,394
You panicking?
192
00:05:51,438 --> 00:05:54,484
God, no. Babies
wreck you, Jess.
193
00:05:54,528 --> 00:05:56,617
They literally eat your body.
194
00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:58,401
I'm 30, I'm single,
195
00:05:58,445 --> 00:06:00,447
and I just started a new job.
196
00:06:00,490 --> 00:06:01,839
Tonight
197
00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:03,319
I used a bread roll
198
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:04,407
to wipe butter off my face,
199
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:06,496
and then I ate the bread roll,
200
00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:08,280
so I essentially used my face
201
00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:09,978
as a butter knife.
202
00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:11,414
I don't think
I'm ready
203
00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:13,198
to bring new life
into the world, but...
204
00:06:13,242 --> 00:06:15,287
what if all that's left
are the weird eggs?
205
00:06:15,331 --> 00:06:17,115
And the evil eggs?
206
00:06:17,159 --> 00:06:19,204
You have no evil eggs.
207
00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:21,119
I can feel them.
They're turning.
208
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:22,251
They watched
their brothers
209
00:06:22,294 --> 00:06:23,295
and sisters die,
210
00:06:23,339 --> 00:06:25,341
and now they want to be birthed.
211
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,169
I need to be fertilized.
212
00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:31,608
Fertilize me,
Los Angeles!
213
00:06:31,652 --> 00:06:32,435
Calm down, all right?
214
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:34,089
You're overreacting.
215
00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:35,351
I am overreacting!
You know why?
216
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,135
Because I want a family.
217
00:06:37,179 --> 00:06:39,007
I want to give my
nipples a purpose.
218
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:41,444
Give my nipples a purpose!
219
00:06:41,488 --> 00:06:43,098
MAN: Oh, yeah!Oh, God, that was a mistake.
220
00:06:43,141 --> 00:06:45,579
[man wolf whistles]Duck down. That
was a mistake.
221
00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:47,276
[whispers]:
We're taking that test.
222
00:06:51,498 --> 00:06:53,674
Well, I think that you guys
made a really smart decision
223
00:06:53,717 --> 00:06:55,023
coming in here today.JESS: Sadie,
224
00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:57,286
once at a senior
graduation party,
225
00:06:57,329 --> 00:07:00,332
I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi
for... 12 hours.
226
00:07:00,376 --> 00:07:02,639
Is there any chance
that I sunny-side upped my eggs?
227
00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:03,771
No, Jess.
Oh,
228
00:07:03,814 --> 00:07:05,468
between the years
of 1998 and 2005,
229
00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:07,514
I used a lot of self-tanner.
230
00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:09,298
Like, a lot.
231
00:07:09,341 --> 00:07:11,474
Is that a possibility of, um...
232
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:12,519
Do I... Okay.Nope.
233
00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:14,521
Here we go.
234
00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:16,523
I once fell on
a pommel horse...
235
00:07:16,566 --> 00:07:18,699
I'm gonna call you
when I get the results.
236
00:07:20,135 --> 00:07:22,137
This is good.
237
00:07:25,227 --> 00:07:27,795
I got nothing. This is...
238
00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:30,754
Whoa, whoa, Jess,
what are you doing?
239
00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:32,277
That's my ketchup collection!
240
00:07:32,321 --> 00:07:33,757
This fertility Web site
says I need to get rid
241
00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:35,716
of anything with toxins.
242
00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:36,630
Did you put the microwave
in the trash?
243
00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:37,413
Yes.Why would you do that?
244
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,936
Microwaves zap things!
245
00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:40,198
You can't take
my microwave away!Zap my insides!
246
00:07:40,242 --> 00:07:41,548
It's the only thing I love!I can't risk it!
247
00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:43,419
It's what makes burritos
delicious!I don't care!
248
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:46,727
You care about your burritos
more than my children, Nick?
249
00:07:46,770 --> 00:07:48,119
You're putting me
in a tough spot.SCHMIDT: Friends,
250
00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:50,513
I'm in a real-life
sex pickle.
251
00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:54,386
My inability to satisfy Emma
has thoroughly rocked me.
252
00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:55,953
I've tried everything.
253
00:07:55,997 --> 00:07:57,433
How about now?
254
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,348
Hold on. I'm Shazam-ing
this song.
255
00:07:59,391 --> 00:08:01,393
Oh, for crying out loud!
256
00:08:01,437 --> 00:08:02,525
Guess what I'm
worried about?
257
00:08:02,569 --> 00:08:03,700
This sound.
258
00:08:03,744 --> 00:08:05,006
You know what
that sound is?
259
00:08:05,049 --> 00:08:07,138
It's the sound of
an empty uterus.
260
00:08:07,182 --> 00:08:08,879
I don't need test
results to tell me
261
00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:10,751
that it is The Grapes
of Wrathin there.
262
00:08:10,794 --> 00:08:11,708
It is 1930s
263
00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:13,710
Dust Bowl in there, Schmidt.
264
00:08:13,754 --> 00:08:16,147
And they're all walking
with limps.
265
00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:18,367
I can top that easily.
I'm having a hard time
266
00:08:18,410 --> 00:08:19,542
with my zombie novel.Oh, not this...
267
00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:20,369
JESS:
Are you literally
268
00:08:20,412 --> 00:08:22,589
comparing a zombie novel
269
00:08:22,632 --> 00:08:24,416
to my ability to create life?
270
00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,767
I'm a writer, Jess.
We create life.
271
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:28,333
Ugh! Being a woman sucks!
272
00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:30,248
Preaching to the choir.
Women are the worst.
273
00:08:30,292 --> 00:08:32,424
Seriously, can you
please stop yelling?
274
00:08:32,468 --> 00:08:34,035
All right, now,
it's no big deal,
275
00:08:34,078 --> 00:08:35,993
but I'm on
an adjusted schedule.
276
00:08:36,037 --> 00:08:38,561
Sorry about this. Jess has
absolutely lost her mind.
277
00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:40,258
I have not lost my mind!Yeah, you have.
278
00:08:40,302 --> 00:08:41,651
I'm just scared!
279
00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:42,609
NICK:
Would you trust me?
280
00:08:42,652 --> 00:08:43,740
You're gonna be fine.
281
00:08:43,784 --> 00:08:45,437
You're gonna meet
somebody and...
282
00:08:45,481 --> 00:08:46,830
you're gonna fall in love
and then...
283
00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:48,789
before you know it,
you're gonna...
284
00:08:48,832 --> 00:08:50,007
JESS:
With who, Nick?
285
00:08:50,051 --> 00:08:52,270
Who's gonna... lay a flag down
286
00:08:52,314 --> 00:08:53,794
on this sweet, sweet continent?
287
00:08:53,837 --> 00:08:55,839
I'll man up.
But I must warn you,
288
00:08:55,883 --> 00:08:57,580
Jess-- I don't have sperms.
289
00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:59,190
I have tadpoles.
290
00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:00,452
Of the gods.
291
00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:01,497
That's right.
292
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,586
And I'm gonna give 'em to you.
293
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,588
You can have 'em all,
for all I care.
294
00:09:05,632 --> 00:09:06,763
That's how much I love you.
295
00:09:06,807 --> 00:09:08,069
I feel your pain
in this situation.
296
00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:09,592
I want you to have babies.
297
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:10,419
Take my sperms.
298
00:09:10,462 --> 00:09:12,029
No. It should be me, Jess.
299
00:09:12,073 --> 00:09:14,292
What?With your big,
beautiful blue eyes
300
00:09:14,336 --> 00:09:17,034
and my... Blair
Underwood-like skin,Mm-hmm.
301
00:09:17,078 --> 00:09:19,602
we'd have the most beautiful
baby the world has ever seen.He's not wrong.
302
00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:21,865
It could get into
any school it wants.
Mm-hmm.
303
00:09:21,909 --> 00:09:26,087
To be clear, I haven't asked
any of you to impregnate me.
304
00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:28,306
I think it's important that
that's been said.
305
00:09:28,350 --> 00:09:29,612
Good, 'cause it's definitely
not me.
306
00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:31,483
Good, 'cause it's
definitely not you.
307
00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:34,399
I would love that little baby
with all my heart.
308
00:09:34,443 --> 00:09:35,792
Even if I did show it
309
00:09:35,836 --> 00:09:36,793
by picking him up from school
310
00:09:36,837 --> 00:09:37,881
in my underwear and...
311
00:09:37,925 --> 00:09:40,057
hitting on the crossing guard.
312
00:09:40,101 --> 00:09:41,276
How's the zombie
novel coming?Good, good, good.
313
00:09:41,319 --> 00:09:42,451
I haven't written a word.
314
00:09:42,494 --> 00:09:43,800
Wait, are you serious?
315
00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:44,801
Nick, it's not
that hard, man.
316
00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:46,629
Just sit down and write.
317
00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:47,630
You ain't Hemingway.
318
00:09:47,674 --> 00:09:49,110
You boys are right.Mm-hmm.
319
00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:50,851
I got to be more like Hemingway.
320
00:09:50,894 --> 00:09:51,895
I just lost another one
of my eggs
321
00:09:51,939 --> 00:09:53,505
while you were comparing
yourself
322
00:09:53,549 --> 00:09:54,811
to the most famous writer
of all time.
323
00:09:54,855 --> 00:09:56,334
Maybe the reason
I have writer's block
324
00:09:56,378 --> 00:09:58,815
is I've been living too casual
with you clowns.
325
00:09:58,859 --> 00:10:01,339
I need real-life
adventure
326
00:10:01,383 --> 00:10:04,255
like Ernest Hemingway had
at my age.
327
00:10:04,299 --> 00:10:05,909
Man, I got to run
with the bulls.
328
00:10:05,953 --> 00:10:07,911
I got to kill a man
with my bare hands
329
00:10:07,955 --> 00:10:09,652
after making sweet love to him
330
00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:11,915
and then sleep on the warm belly
of his horse.
331
00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:14,439
I got to eat my way out
of a sandwich house!
332
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:15,832
How much you know
about Hemingway?
333
00:10:15,876 --> 00:10:17,878
Not a lot!
But I'm gonna learn!
334
00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:19,706
I'm becoming
Ernest Hemingway.
335
00:10:19,749 --> 00:10:20,663
You idiots.
336
00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:24,711
Schmidt.
337
00:10:24,754 --> 00:10:26,887
Yo.
338
00:10:26,930 --> 00:10:28,453
Okay, Schmidt.
339
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:31,108
Female pleasure.
340
00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:33,023
Here are some diagrams,
341
00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:35,243
so we can see where you're at.
342
00:10:35,286 --> 00:10:36,287
The vagina.
343
00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:37,549
I'm familiar.
344
00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:39,029
Good.
345
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:42,554
Now, what I typically do is
I start over here,
346
00:10:42,598 --> 00:10:44,556
and then I move here once
347
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,689
I feel confident that this area
348
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:47,864
has been taken care of.Yeah, see,
349
00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:48,952
that's exactly what I do.
350
00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:51,694
I call that "Losing Nemo."
351
00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:54,915
Well, a more advanced move
would be...
352
00:10:54,958 --> 00:10:56,699
You know what?
I'll just show you.
353
00:10:56,743 --> 00:10:58,745
It's sort of...
Come in this way.
354
00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:01,051
No, no, I see what you're doing.
That asymmetry right there?
355
00:11:01,095 --> 00:11:02,749
That's crucial.
'Cause then what I'll do is
356
00:11:02,792 --> 00:11:04,272
is I'll go outside,
357
00:11:04,315 --> 00:11:06,709
get the paper,
358
00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:09,059
and shake the neighbor's hand.
359
00:11:09,103 --> 00:11:10,887
Interesting.Then what I'll do is,
360
00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:13,760
I'll tie a bow on it
because it's birthday time.
361
00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:16,066
Then I get onstage
and collect my Oscar
362
00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:18,155
and say thank you
to the people,
363
00:11:18,199 --> 00:11:20,549
thank you to the people,
then get back down offstage
364
00:11:20,592 --> 00:11:22,943
and get everybody into
the sharing circle,
365
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:23,900
right down there in
the sharing circle,
366
00:11:23,944 --> 00:11:25,946
and then...[smacks loudly]
367
00:11:25,989 --> 00:11:27,164
spike the volleyball.
368
00:11:27,208 --> 00:11:28,905
Then what I like
to do is, I like
369
00:11:28,949 --> 00:11:30,951
to arrive at the
bridge, meet the troll,
370
00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:33,605
and then answer
his riddles three.
371
00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:35,085
Then what we do
is, we're dancing.
372
00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:36,739
We're just gonna dance, we're
gonna dance for a while.
373
00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:38,567
We'll dance until you
can't dance anymore,
374
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,525
dancing till you
can't dance anymore,
375
00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:44,312
and then everybody gets...
376
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:46,967
a churro.
377
00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:48,664
[clicks tongue]
378
00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:53,190
You okay?
379
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:54,757
Mm-hmm.
380
00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:02,330
It's the baby hormones.
381
00:12:02,373 --> 00:12:04,811
They are not as gay as me.
382
00:12:04,854 --> 00:12:05,768
So I'm good at this, right?
383
00:12:05,812 --> 00:12:06,987
Schmidt,
384
00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:08,945
in my professional opinion,
385
00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:11,339
you have definitely
earned the rank of--
386
00:12:11,382 --> 00:12:14,081
and I will use the phrase
you coined-- va-genius.
387
00:12:16,170 --> 00:12:18,999
Thank you, thank
you so much.
388
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:20,870
I really needed to
hear that, Sadie.
389
00:12:20,914 --> 00:12:21,958
[sighs]
390
00:12:22,002 --> 00:12:24,221
You got to go.
391
00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:25,222
NICK:
Hey, Winston,
392
00:12:25,266 --> 00:12:26,789
we're going on an adventure!
393
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:30,271
We need real-life experience
like Hemingway.
394
00:12:32,273 --> 00:12:33,796
Whoo, I feel
like Hemingway.
395
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,102
This is life
experience?
396
00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:36,843
Yeah, the zoo is the best
we can do, I told you,
397
00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:38,018
but it's got
everything we need.
398
00:12:38,061 --> 00:12:40,498
It's got life,
animals, man, beast.
399
00:12:40,542 --> 00:12:41,978
Look, I'm sorry, dude,
it's just, you know,
400
00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:43,806
I'm not supposed to
be awake right now
401
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,982
because of my adjusted...Adjusted schedule, yeah.
402
00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:47,244
Hey, man, 13
minutes of sleep.
403
00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:48,985
Honestly, Nick,
seriously,
404
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:50,813
13 minutes of sleep--
that's all I got.
405
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:52,032
You're starting to look
like a pillow to me.
406
00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:53,816
All I can think of is, like,
407
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,818
"Man, Nick looks exactly
like a pillow to me."
408
00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:57,994
Hmm, what'd you say?
Winston,
you need some sleep.
409
00:12:58,038 --> 00:12:59,082
But I'm out
here with you.
Yeah.
410
00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:00,692
Okay, because I love you.Thank you.
411
00:13:00,736 --> 00:13:01,868
And I want you to finish
your zombie book.
412
00:13:01,911 --> 00:13:03,826
Okay, but check out
where we are.
413
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,219
This is experience,
414
00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:07,047
this is what's firing me up
to get back to writing.
415
00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:08,613
This is kind of
what it's all about.
416
00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:10,398
[laughs]
What are you doing?
417
00:13:10,441 --> 00:13:11,529
It's writer's fuel.
418
00:13:11,573 --> 00:13:14,271
That's what Hemingway said.
419
00:13:14,315 --> 00:13:17,013
Sadie, um, hey.
420
00:13:17,057 --> 00:13:18,319
Uh, I just,
I just want you to know
421
00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:19,755
that I am, um, I'm like--
422
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,539
I am okay with whatever
you tell me.
423
00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:22,540
I'm just like,
424
00:13:22,584 --> 00:13:23,846
if you say
425
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:25,674
you've got a year, that's fine.
426
00:13:25,717 --> 00:13:27,719
If you say, like, "You can have
kids till you're 80,"
427
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,852
that's fine, too.
If you say, "You are barren,"
428
00:13:29,896 --> 00:13:33,900
[voice breaking]
um, I'm, I'm okay
with that, too.
429
00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:35,075
Um, just,
430
00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:37,338
why am I
the only one talking?
431
00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:38,556
Just lay it on me.
432
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:39,906
What's inside my body?
433
00:13:39,949 --> 00:13:41,690
Everything looks
good, Jess.
434
00:13:41,733 --> 00:13:43,039
Your hormone levels
are outstanding.
435
00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:44,040
What?
Actually
436
00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:45,868
these are off
the charts
437
00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:46,869
for someone
your age.
438
00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:48,697
I mean, I
don't know how
439
00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:50,873
you're walking around
with this many eggs.
440
00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:52,222
♪ I'm the egg queen
441
00:13:52,266 --> 00:13:53,223
♪ I'm queen
442
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:55,225
♪ of the eggs.
443
00:13:55,269 --> 00:13:57,053
Right.
[typing]
444
00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,881
Cece.
Mm-hmm.
445
00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:06,149
You know what?
Maybe we should talk in private.
446
00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:16,116
Cece, Cece.
447
00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:17,378
Cece, wait, do
you want to talk?
448
00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:19,597
Jess, you don't get it.
449
00:14:19,641 --> 00:14:21,077
Sadie basically just
told me that if I want
450
00:14:21,121 --> 00:14:23,906
to have a kid,
I've got to start right now.
451
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:26,474
Rightnow.
452
00:14:26,517 --> 00:14:28,128
I thought I had
all of this time.
453
00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:32,088
I didn't want to have
to think about this.
454
00:14:32,132 --> 00:14:34,917
I know, I know,
I'm sorry.
455
00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:36,179
I made you
take the test.
456
00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:38,399
What can I do?
457
00:14:38,442 --> 00:14:42,969
Make me a guy so I don't have
to worry about this.
458
00:14:45,014 --> 00:14:47,495
You know what? Yes.
459
00:14:47,538 --> 00:14:50,759
Yeah, let's be guys
just for today.
460
00:14:50,802 --> 00:14:53,109
Let's, let's care
about stupid things,
461
00:14:53,153 --> 00:14:56,373
talk about sharks
and sci-fi movies
462
00:14:56,417 --> 00:14:58,941
and making
everything wireless.
463
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:02,118
"Dude, my phone is wireless,
my computer is wireless.
464
00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:03,859
Everything's wireless, yeah."You're a terrible guy.
465
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:04,860
"Come on."
466
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,775
[laughs]
467
00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:08,168
No, I'm the best guy.
468
00:15:08,211 --> 00:15:09,299
Come on, come on.
469
00:15:09,343 --> 00:15:10,953
All right.
470
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:11,954
SCHMIDT:
Okay, how was that?
471
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:13,738
[sighs]
Eh.
472
00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:15,958
Why, though,
with the "eh"?
473
00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:19,657
Unbelie-- but I played out
your most secret fantasy:
474
00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:21,398
French maid
handyman does...
475
00:15:21,442 --> 00:15:24,140
Studio 54...
Studio 54 busboy.
476
00:15:24,184 --> 00:15:26,403
I know, it's disappointing.I thought I killed it.
477
00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:29,189
And I picked you at work
because I heard
you were amazing in bed.
478
00:15:29,232 --> 00:15:31,408
I-- no, no, no, I am,
okay, I know that I am.
479
00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:33,976
I have it on good authority
from my model ex-girlfriend
480
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:36,979
and an actual
lesbian gynecologist
481
00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:40,983
that I know exactly what I'm
doing, so it's got to be you.
482
00:15:41,027 --> 00:15:43,333
It's us--
this doesn't work.
483
00:15:43,377 --> 00:15:45,683
When I got divorced I-I,
484
00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:47,207
I thought
I could go out there
485
00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:48,991
and have
all these new experiences--
486
00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:52,690
the contract of sex
with someone at work
487
00:15:52,734 --> 00:15:55,432
who's so far
beneath me, you know,
488
00:15:55,476 --> 00:15:58,000
someone basically
just powerless.
489
00:15:58,044 --> 00:16:01,221
I guess I have
to feel something.
490
00:16:01,264 --> 00:16:03,223
Okay, see, I'm not like that.
491
00:16:03,266 --> 00:16:04,441
I don't even understand
that concept.
492
00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:06,008
My ex-girlfriend the
model-- she's a model.
493
00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:07,792
I know
she's a model.
We'd have sex,
494
00:16:07,836 --> 00:16:10,273
and it was just like, I was
happy, you know, I, I...
495
00:16:10,317 --> 00:16:12,884
We were connected, I wasn't
thinking about anything.
496
00:16:12,928 --> 00:16:14,016
What is that?
497
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:15,670
That is love, you idiot.
498
00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:20,414
That's love.
499
00:16:22,068 --> 00:16:24,026
Yuck.
500
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,506
It sucks.
So, what, do I have
501
00:16:25,549 --> 00:16:27,899
to, I have to, like, be in love
now to have good sex?
502
00:16:27,943 --> 00:16:29,945
Think about me--
I got to go out in the world
503
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,295
and meet people, date.
504
00:16:32,339 --> 00:16:33,731
You're going
to be great.
505
00:16:33,775 --> 00:16:35,037
[sighs]
506
00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:36,256
You think?
507
00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:37,822
Yeah.
508
00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:41,087
Consider
our sex contract void.
509
00:16:41,130 --> 00:16:42,218
How am I gonna get
the feathers off?
510
00:16:42,262 --> 00:16:43,654
I have no idea.
511
00:16:44,786 --> 00:16:46,309
Jess and that girl!
512
00:16:46,353 --> 00:16:48,050
Uh...
513
00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:52,054
[laughs]
Oh, I'm so glad they're here.
514
00:16:52,098 --> 00:16:53,360
So you're getting a lot
of work done here, huh?
515
00:16:53,403 --> 00:16:55,840
Who wins-- me versus gorilla?
Go.
Gorilla.
516
00:16:55,884 --> 00:16:57,059
Me versus gorilla.
517
00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:59,105
Gorilla.
No, but in a contest.
518
00:16:59,148 --> 00:17:00,758
Gorilla.
Yeah, but
in a competition.
519
00:17:00,802 --> 00:17:02,325
Uh, gorilla.
You don't get it.
520
00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:04,284
CECE:
Okay, are you just
521
00:17:04,327 --> 00:17:05,894
drunk at the zoo right now?
522
00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:07,069
Let's go look at snakes.Okay.
523
00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:08,070
Where are the snakes?!
524
00:17:08,114 --> 00:17:09,245
All day.
525
00:17:09,289 --> 00:17:11,073
You know what?
526
00:17:11,117 --> 00:17:13,075
I don't think we should
act like the guys.
527
00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:15,208
Jess, what am I going to do?
528
00:17:20,126 --> 00:17:23,085
What am I going
to tell Robby?
529
00:17:23,129 --> 00:17:26,132
You are a Mexican
West Coast rattlesnakes,
530
00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:28,656
and they call you "fang-tastic."
531
00:17:28,699 --> 00:17:30,092
[chuckles]
532
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:32,094
No one ever calls me
anything like that.
533
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:32,964
Nick, what are you doing?
534
00:17:33,008 --> 00:17:34,314
This is not life experience;
535
00:17:34,357 --> 00:17:36,881
this is procrastination
at the zoo.
536
00:17:36,925 --> 00:17:38,274
I don't think it is.Now, I need some sleep.
537
00:17:38,318 --> 00:17:40,102
I got to work tonight.
Okay,
538
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:41,190
congratulations, I'm glad
you found your passion...Okay, look...
539
00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:42,148
...and that you
love what you do.
540
00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:44,454
Wow.
But enough's enough.
541
00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:47,109
Don't throw it
in my face.
Is it like that,
is it like that, Nick?
542
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:48,589
Don't throw it
in my face.
Nick, I got off
543
00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:50,330
my adjusted schedule...Don't say "adjusted schedule."
544
00:17:50,373 --> 00:17:52,027
That's super annoying.Adjusted schedule.
545
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,550
Stop saying it.Adjusted schedule.
546
00:17:53,594 --> 00:17:55,117
You say it again,
I'm gonna let the snakes out.
547
00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:56,988
Adjusted schedule.
Let the snakes out.
548
00:17:58,033 --> 00:18:00,296
I will let...
549
00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:03,125
These guys have done a pretty
good job keeping it sealed.Yeah, yeah.
550
00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:04,344
Nick, you're not a finisher.Oh, I'm
551
00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:06,041
a finisher.You're not a finisher at all,
552
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,130
man, that's why
you didn't finish law school.Don't do that.
553
00:18:08,174 --> 00:18:10,176
Same reason you're only three
episodes into Downton Abbey.
554
00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:12,178
There's just too many
characters, it's hard
to follow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
555
00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:15,181
I get it, man, you're scared,
and that's okay-- be scared.
556
00:18:15,224 --> 00:18:16,617
Just stop wasting my time
because I'm tired
557
00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:18,314
and I need to sleep
because I want to work tonight
558
00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:20,882
at the job I'm passionate about.
559
00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:24,973
ROBBY:
I'm glad you called me, Cece.
I love the zoo.
560
00:18:25,016 --> 00:18:26,975
You think
I'm like a bear?
561
00:18:27,018 --> 00:18:28,759
I mean, I kind of
move like a bear,
562
00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:30,979
and I got that really
long, sharp toenail
563
00:18:31,022 --> 00:18:32,633
that you love
so much.
564
00:18:37,377 --> 00:18:39,901
Hey.
[chuckles]
565
00:18:40,815 --> 00:18:43,252
Randa.
566
00:18:44,384 --> 00:18:45,994
It says here you're 43.
567
00:18:46,037 --> 00:18:47,865
Keeping it tight, girl.
568
00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:49,215
[child shouts indistinctly]
569
00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:51,217
What do you
think of kids?
570
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:52,609
I love kids.
571
00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:53,958
I would like to have
children someday.
572
00:18:54,002 --> 00:18:55,351
Someday?
Well, yeah,
573
00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:56,961
like in ten years or something.
574
00:18:57,005 --> 00:18:59,007
Yeah.
575
00:19:01,270 --> 00:19:02,619
I have a lot of eggs.
576
00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:04,186
Unfortunately
577
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:07,189
I don't have a lot of sausage.
578
00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:11,280
Yeah, I shouldn't be
complaining.
579
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:14,718
I'll be okay.
580
00:19:24,902 --> 00:19:25,990
Hey, Winston.
Aah, what?
581
00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:27,470
Sorry to wake you.
582
00:19:27,514 --> 00:19:29,211
Z Is for Zombie.What?
583
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:30,473
I finished my novel.
584
00:19:30,517 --> 00:19:32,780
I stayed up
for 14 straight hours.
585
00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:34,216
I even peed in water bottles.
586
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:36,262
We have a bathroom.
587
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:38,829
Wow, you dedicated
it to me.
588
00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:40,440
"To Winston.
Have a nice summer.
589
00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:41,702
Hope to see you ag..."
590
00:19:41,745 --> 00:19:43,269
Really?
591
00:19:43,312 --> 00:19:45,271
I just want to say right now,
the black guy dies early--
592
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:46,272
his name is William--
593
00:19:46,315 --> 00:19:47,316
but don't take offense;
594
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,231
it's a staple of the genre.
595
00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:50,624
I can't take this--
too much anxiety.
596
00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:52,191
I'm going to my room.
597
00:19:53,279 --> 00:19:55,063
Hey, Winston,
are you reading it?
598
00:19:55,106 --> 00:19:56,064
Hey.
599
00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:58,240
Oh, hey.
600
00:19:58,284 --> 00:20:00,286
I knew it.
601
00:20:00,329 --> 00:20:03,463
I knew you'd choose me
to get you pregnant.
602
00:20:03,506 --> 00:20:05,334
Yep, let's go.
603
00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:06,379
[laughing]:
Jess.
604
00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:07,902
[both laugh]
605
00:20:07,945 --> 00:20:10,209
Schmidt.
606
00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:13,255
I think I may have been
in love with Cece.
607
00:20:13,299 --> 00:20:15,126
You are in love
with Cece.
You think?
608
00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:17,259
Can't believe I have to have
feelings to have good sex.
609
00:20:17,303 --> 00:20:19,087
I was hoping I'd be dead
before this happened.
610
00:20:19,130 --> 00:20:21,045
Hey, why are we all hanging out
in my room
611
00:20:21,089 --> 00:20:22,264
and sitting on my bed?
612
00:20:22,308 --> 00:20:23,831
Nick, this is
613
00:20:23,874 --> 00:20:27,269
the worst thing I have ever read
in my entire life.
614
00:20:27,313 --> 00:20:28,401
You misspelled
the word "rhythm"
615
00:20:28,444 --> 00:20:30,185
38 times.
616
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,491
Z Is for Zombie?Yeah, Z Is for Zombie.
617
00:20:31,534 --> 00:20:33,101
The zombie novel.Yeah.
618
00:20:33,144 --> 00:20:34,363
"Rhythm" is
a tough word.
619
00:20:34,407 --> 00:20:36,147
Don't feel bad about that.Yeah, thanks, man.
620
00:20:36,191 --> 00:20:37,453
Did you get to the word search?Yeah.
621
00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:39,281
[laughing]: I put a word search
in the novel,
622
00:20:39,325 --> 00:20:40,543
but the joke's on you.
623
00:20:40,587 --> 00:20:42,328
There aren't any words in there,
624
00:20:42,371 --> 00:20:44,330
so you're just gonna be staring
at letters, you idiot.
625
00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:47,202
But you know what?
You finished it,
626
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,291
and for that, my friend,
I'm proud of you.
627
00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:51,293
Thank you, I did finish it,
I finished something.Yeah, you finished something.
628
00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:53,295
Read it out loud,
Winston.
629
00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:54,644
[chanting]:
Read it out loud.
630
00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:56,516
SCHMIDT AND JESS:
Read it out loud.
631
00:20:56,559 --> 00:20:58,518
Read it out loud...Okay, I'll read this damn thing;
you asked for it.
632
00:20:58,561 --> 00:21:00,520
This might be humiliating.
633
00:21:00,563 --> 00:21:05,002
"No one in the sleepy mountain
town of 'Writhe-em' City..."
634
00:21:05,046 --> 00:21:06,352
That's Rhythm City.
635
00:21:06,395 --> 00:21:07,918
"...knew what the meteor meant,
but the one thing
636
00:21:07,962 --> 00:21:11,313
Mike Jr. did have was
a whole lot of 'rittems.'"
637
00:21:11,357 --> 00:21:13,707
Rhythm.
No, yeah."'Whoa, what bit me
638
00:21:13,750 --> 00:21:16,710
in the face?' Mike Jr. said
to his dad Mike Sr., who sucks."
639
00:21:16,753 --> 00:21:19,103
Sucks-- Mike Sr. sucks.
640
00:21:19,147 --> 00:21:20,975
It's a major theme
throughout this.
641
00:21:21,018 --> 00:21:22,411
"Mike Sr. sucks a whole bunch,
642
00:21:22,455 --> 00:21:24,500
much more
than his neighbor Rallo."
643
00:21:24,544 --> 00:21:26,197
Never stop
reading this.
644
00:21:26,241 --> 00:21:29,505
"'Zombie zoo, zombie zoo,
zombie zoo, zombie zoo.
645
00:21:29,549 --> 00:21:32,378
"'Who let them zombies
out that damn zombie zoo?
646
00:21:32,421 --> 00:21:34,380
Uh-oh, watch your back, Laura.'"
647
00:21:34,423 --> 00:21:35,685
And I guess Laura is
another character
648
00:21:35,729 --> 00:21:37,470
that he introduces,
but that's it.
42991
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Filipino
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Interlingua
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof