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1
00:00:03,786 --> 00:00:06,223
♪ Happy birthday, dude!
2
00:00:06,267 --> 00:00:07,833
Hello.
I made you a cake.
3
00:00:07,877 --> 00:00:10,227
Can't. Booked a car
show for tomorrow,
4
00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:12,273
and I have been
so good this week.
5
00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:15,058
I lost four pounds.Oh, come on, Cece.
6
00:00:15,102 --> 00:00:17,191
It's your birthday.
We're gonna eat cake,
7
00:00:17,234 --> 00:00:19,323
we're gonna watch
Cluelesson VHS,
8
00:00:19,367 --> 00:00:21,282
and we're gonna try to make
prom dresses out of towels.
9
00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:23,762
Obviously, just
like we always do.
10
00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:25,112
As if!
11
00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:28,898
As if is, like,
the funniest thing ever.
12
00:00:28,941 --> 00:00:30,552
I wish I had a stepbrother
to fall in love with.
13
00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:33,250
I know, right? Paul Rudd.
14
00:00:33,294 --> 00:00:35,252
You know, actually,
I thought maybe this year,
15
00:00:35,296 --> 00:00:37,167
we could go out, you know?
16
00:00:37,211 --> 00:00:38,255
NADIA:
We go party tonight.
17
00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:42,520
Let dogs out.
Catch gypsy.
18
00:00:42,564 --> 00:00:46,481
Yeah. Yeah, Nadia wants me to go
to this last-minute thing
19
00:00:46,524 --> 00:00:48,091
she found out about,
so I thought
20
00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:50,006
we could all, you know,
just go out tonight.
21
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,269
You, me, Nadia,
the girls.
The models?
22
00:00:52,313 --> 00:00:54,706
Yes, Jess, the models.
Please?
23
00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:57,796
You and I have never spent
my birthday apart, ever.
24
00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,233
Except for the one time
in seventh grade
25
00:00:59,276 --> 00:01:01,104
where you walked out
of my sleepover because
26
00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:03,976
you claimed...
When you struck
me in the breast.
27
00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:05,282
But I didn't even touch boob,
because you know,
28
00:01:05,326 --> 00:01:06,936
we all knew
you were stuffing...Oh, my God.
29
00:01:06,979 --> 00:01:08,981
We were all stuffing.
Stuffing? We all stuffed.
30
00:01:09,025 --> 00:01:11,332
You've seen my grandmother.
I was not stuffing.Yes, we were.
31
00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:14,161
It was seventh grade.I've been like this
since I was seven.
32
00:01:14,204 --> 00:01:16,380
You're...Come out with us tonight!
33
00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:18,687
Please, please, please!
Okay.
34
00:01:18,730 --> 00:01:20,036
Okay.
I'll come.
35
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,124
Thank you.
36
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:22,343
Mm-hmm.
37
00:01:22,386 --> 00:01:23,605
I so excited.
38
00:01:23,648 --> 00:01:27,348
I shake this thing
that my mama gave me.
39
00:01:27,391 --> 00:01:29,132
YOLO!
40
00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:30,829
♪ Who's that girl?
41
00:01:30,873 --> 00:01:33,093
♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess.
42
00:01:34,398 --> 00:01:35,269
[sighs]
[sighs]
43
00:01:35,312 --> 00:01:37,140
[whistles]
44
00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:39,751
NARRATOR [on TV]:
The Galapagos tortoise,
45
00:01:39,795 --> 00:01:41,057
or Galapagos giant tortoise,Unbelievable...
46
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,232
is the largest living species
of tortoise...
47
00:01:42,276 --> 00:01:43,581
Spectacular.
48
00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:45,714
Hey, do you think
49
00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:48,151
Jess would be mad if I got
a turtle and named it Jess,
50
00:01:48,195 --> 00:01:50,240
even though I had that name
picked out before she moved in?
51
00:01:50,284 --> 00:01:52,764
A turtle?
Thinking man's
best friend, Schmidty.
52
00:01:52,808 --> 00:01:56,159
In our home? Over my
turtle-disease-ridden dead body.
53
00:01:56,203 --> 00:01:57,987
Whatever, dream killer.
What's this?
54
00:01:58,030 --> 00:01:59,336
Got you a cookie.
55
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:02,252
What, you have, like...?
56
00:02:02,296 --> 00:02:03,253
Have, like, an extra?
57
00:02:03,297 --> 00:02:05,429
No.
58
00:02:05,473 --> 00:02:08,258
So you just, like,
got me a cookie?
59
00:02:08,302 --> 00:02:10,434
Yeah, I was thinking about you.
60
00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:12,523
What do you mean you
were thinking about me?
61
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:14,308
What do you mean? I don't know.
I was thinking about you.
62
00:02:14,351 --> 00:02:17,049
Think about you a lot, bro.
63
00:02:18,312 --> 00:02:20,183
Why?
64
00:02:20,227 --> 00:02:23,186
I don't know. Because you're
my friend, you're on my mind.
65
00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:25,536
What, do you not
think about me?
66
00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:28,278
Of course not!
67
00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:31,020
Oh.
68
00:02:31,063 --> 00:02:32,674
Schmidt got me a cookie.
69
00:02:32,717 --> 00:02:35,285
Oh. Very nice.
70
00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:37,592
What do you guys think?
71
00:02:37,635 --> 00:02:39,202
Whoa!
[whistles]Smokin' hot.
72
00:02:39,246 --> 00:02:42,074
I'm going out tonight with Cece
and her model friends,
73
00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:45,339
and I'm going for "promising
ballerina turned streetwalker."
74
00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:47,645
You have too much
joie de vivre.
75
00:02:47,689 --> 00:02:50,692
Okay, you want to look
a little bit more bored, tired.
76
00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:52,868
Just altogether disengaged.
77
00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:54,130
More tired-- more,
like, sick-like.
78
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,437
Really let your bones
prop you up.
79
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:57,481
Did you put shoe polish
on your eyes?
80
00:02:57,525 --> 00:03:00,354
I never understand
you women-- God.
81
00:03:00,397 --> 00:03:02,443
Eye shadow, man.
That's...?
82
00:03:02,486 --> 00:03:03,444
Oh, that's makeup?
83
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:04,836
I would take that off.
84
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:05,881
That looks crazy.
85
00:03:05,924 --> 00:03:07,274
Can't believe I have to deal
86
00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:08,666
with the models just
to hang out with Cece.
87
00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:10,233
Last time we hung out,
it was awful.
88
00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:11,669
I figure
the best way to talk
89
00:03:11,713 --> 00:03:13,584
to models is just point
to objects and describe them.
90
00:03:13,628 --> 00:03:16,326
The table is round.
91
00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:17,806
It's also flat.
92
00:03:17,849 --> 00:03:21,462
Yes, the table isround, and
it's flat.
93
00:03:21,505 --> 00:03:22,941
Oh, look, a lamp.
94
00:03:22,985 --> 00:03:24,247
[laughs]
95
00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:26,467
I love Cece,
and these are Cece's friends,
96
00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:28,860
so I should be able
to get along with them.
97
00:03:28,904 --> 00:03:31,036
I should be able
to deal with the fact
98
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:34,301
that they think
I look like a monkey...
99
00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:37,042
from a Russian cracker ad.
100
00:03:37,086 --> 00:03:39,175
[man singing in Russian]
101
00:03:45,399 --> 00:03:46,878
Whatever.
102
00:03:46,922 --> 00:03:49,316
It's Cece's birthday.
It's her special night.
103
00:03:49,359 --> 00:03:51,274
I can get drunk,
point at furniture
104
00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,494
if that means I can spend
some quality time with my BFF.
105
00:03:53,537 --> 00:03:57,280
Hey, is it totally obvious
that I'm not wearing underwear?
106
00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:58,847
♪ Because it should be.
107
00:03:58,890 --> 00:04:01,197
And that makes two of us.
108
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,939
[dance music playing]CECE:
Hey!
109
00:04:03,982 --> 00:04:05,636
You made it!
Sorry I'm late.
110
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:08,335
They let in a lot of people
ahead of me-- like, a lot.
111
00:04:08,378 --> 00:04:10,424
Saving the best for last.
112
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:11,468
Monkey cracker.
113
00:04:11,512 --> 00:04:12,295
Monkey cracker.
114
00:04:12,339 --> 00:04:13,296
[laughs]
115
00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:14,341
Monkey,
116
00:04:14,384 --> 00:04:17,387
monkey, where you keep
the crackers?
117
00:04:17,431 --> 00:04:19,215
This is so much fun.
118
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:22,697
NICK:
Schmidt?
119
00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:24,438
So, it turns out
120
00:04:24,481 --> 00:04:26,440
there's more than
one type of turtle.
121
00:04:26,483 --> 00:04:29,399
I could go Eastern Box,
or spur thighed,
122
00:04:29,443 --> 00:04:30,879
or nearsighted loner.
123
00:04:30,922 --> 00:04:32,402
[grunts]
[laughs]
124
00:04:32,446 --> 00:04:34,317
What was that?
You just grunt at me?
125
00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:36,145
Wasn't a grunt.That was a grunt, Schmidt.
126
00:04:36,188 --> 00:04:38,887
It was a "hurumph."A "hurumph" sounds
like this: Hurumph.
127
00:04:38,930 --> 00:04:40,541
I'm sorry if you took it the
wrong way; it was not a grunt.
128
00:04:40,584 --> 00:04:42,151
Serena Williams.
That was a grunt.
129
00:04:42,194 --> 00:04:43,674
It's all good, man, all right?
130
00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:45,328
It's all "smoove in the groove."
131
00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:47,504
Mellow, man.
132
00:04:47,548 --> 00:04:49,332
Mega-mellow.
133
00:04:50,725 --> 00:04:53,380
Okay.
134
00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:58,428
[sighs]
135
00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:03,215
Schmidt, what the hell
are you doing?
136
00:05:03,259 --> 00:05:06,349
You don't think
about me?
137
00:05:06,393 --> 00:05:08,395
What are you talking about?Earlier today, when
I gave you the cookie,
138
00:05:08,438 --> 00:05:11,267
I heard very clearly, "I don't
think about you, Schmidt."
139
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:14,226
Why would I think about you?!Because we're friends,
we're not animals.
140
00:05:14,270 --> 00:05:17,578
We're men, Schmidt! The only
time a man is allowed to think
141
00:05:17,621 --> 00:05:20,363
about another man is
when that man is Jay Cutler.
142
00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:22,060
I don't know
who Jay Cutler is!
143
00:05:22,104 --> 00:05:23,714
Why are you saying
"Cutler" like that?
144
00:05:23,758 --> 00:05:25,150
And I also don't know
what is allowed
145
00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:26,804
in the Cold-Hearted Republic
of Nick Miller,
146
00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:28,458
but I do know how I feel.
147
00:05:28,502 --> 00:05:30,242
Ugh!
And I know how much
you love cookies.
148
00:05:30,286 --> 00:05:32,027
And I saw it there
behind the glass,
149
00:05:32,070 --> 00:05:34,421
and I thought, "Nick Miller--
I'm gonna buy him that."
150
00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:37,598
If I could give you
that cookie back, I would.
151
00:05:37,641 --> 00:05:39,208
Nothing would make me happier
than to throw it up,
152
00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:42,472
mash it into cookie-shape,
and shove it down your throat!
153
00:05:42,516 --> 00:05:45,388
You wanna mama-bird
me the cookie?No, that's not...
154
00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:47,303
You wanna mama-bird
me the cookie?
No.
155
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,218
You're not mama-birding
anybody any cookie.
156
00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,438
Schmidt, I don't want
to mama-bird you a cookie.
157
00:05:51,481 --> 00:05:53,265
What is your problem, Schmidt?
158
00:05:53,309 --> 00:05:55,790
No mama-birding here!
159
00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:02,797
Okay, I think I got it, okay--
♪ Monkey, monkey
160
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,581
♪ Where you keep your cracker?
161
00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:08,890
♪ Monkey, monkey,
you are comrade best! ♪
162
00:06:08,933 --> 00:06:10,587
Whoo.You know what?
163
00:06:10,631 --> 00:06:14,330
The dance is surprisingly
sexual for a children's cracker.
164
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:17,638
Do song again--
"Dance Monkey."
I don't want
to dance...
165
00:06:17,681 --> 00:06:19,074
"Dance Monkey."
166
00:06:19,117 --> 00:06:20,771
♪ Monkey, monkey
167
00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:23,034
♪ Where you keep
your crackers? ♪
168
00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:24,819
Dance monkey, dance monkey.Cracker, please!
169
00:06:24,862 --> 00:06:26,342
Dance monkey.Cracker, please!
170
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,822
MODELS [chanting]:
Monkey! Monkey!No. You know what?
171
00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:29,084
MODELS:
Monkey! Monkey!
172
00:06:29,127 --> 00:06:31,347
Monkey! Monkey! Monkey!
173
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,001
Monkey, monkey,
monkey!
174
00:06:33,044 --> 00:06:34,481
Dance Monkey...
[chanting]You know what?
175
00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:35,569
No! Stop it!
176
00:06:35,612 --> 00:06:39,007
I don't want to, okay? I'm done.
177
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:41,009
You guys are
the worst!
178
00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:42,924
You're the worst.
I'm sorry, but it's true.
179
00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:45,622
All these racist in-jokes
about Romanians.
180
00:06:45,666 --> 00:06:48,669
Well, guess what?
I'm one-eighth Romanian!
181
00:06:48,712 --> 00:06:51,802
Monkey, no!And I don't know why Cece would
want to spend her birthday here.
182
00:06:51,846 --> 00:06:55,545
It's like years of modeling
have made her dumber.
183
00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:58,026
Nice, Jess.
No! Cece.
184
00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,723
No, I'm sorry.
I didn't...
185
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,464
NICK:
It's official.
186
00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:02,813
We got to turtle-proof
this loft.
187
00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,293
Schmidt cares about you
so much, man,
188
00:07:04,336 --> 00:07:05,642
and you don't even
think about him.
189
00:07:05,686 --> 00:07:07,644
Are you being serious right now?
190
00:07:07,688 --> 00:07:10,342
Are you really
taking Schmidt's side on this?
191
00:07:10,386 --> 00:07:11,605
I am, because
I know how you are.
192
00:07:11,648 --> 00:07:14,346
I just don't know
why he would run away.
193
00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:16,697
All I ever did
was love him.
194
00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:18,916
This rock is so round.
195
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,702
I'm gonna go
put it in a jar.
196
00:07:21,745 --> 00:07:23,486
And nothing has changed.
Nothing has changed, Nick.
197
00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:24,748
You think Schmidt is
198
00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:26,837
in the right,
and I am in the wrong here?
199
00:07:26,881 --> 00:07:28,970
You realize I say good
night to you every night,
200
00:07:29,013 --> 00:07:31,102
and you never say
good night back?
201
00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:33,322
No.
What is the
problem, Nick?
202
00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:35,672
Do you not want me
to have a good night?
203
00:07:35,716 --> 00:07:37,761
I can't just go around
saying good night to everyone,
204
00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:39,502
and buying people cookies.
205
00:07:39,546 --> 00:07:41,635
I am not a titan
of finance, sir.
206
00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:44,507
Do you know, once a week he goes
into your room and cleans it,
207
00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:46,509
and then returns everything
the way he found it?
208
00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:49,686
And I'm weird in this situation?The dirty old T-shirts,
which he washes.
209
00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,862
I didn't ask for that-- I like
living in my filthy messes.
210
00:07:51,906 --> 00:07:54,517
That's the point, man.
You didn't have to ask.
211
00:07:54,561 --> 00:07:58,782
Nobody buys people cookies
for no reason.
212
00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:00,567
You still don't
get it, do you?
213
00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:03,744
Nobody.
That wasn't a cookie,
damn it! That was a...
214
00:08:03,787 --> 00:08:06,616
What?
Man, that was a
piece of his heart.
215
00:08:06,660 --> 00:08:11,229
Now, if you don't mind,
good... night.
216
00:08:13,144 --> 00:08:15,712
I'm sorry, but in my defense,
Nadia just spent an hour
217
00:08:15,756 --> 00:08:18,628
explaining to me how to
drink vodka with my butt.
218
00:08:18,672 --> 00:08:20,630
You just embarrassed me
in front of my colleagues.
219
00:08:20,674 --> 00:08:23,198
Are you kidding me? It's not
like you work in the UN.
220
00:08:23,241 --> 00:08:25,156
You judge me for being a model.
221
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,723
Yes, I do.
You always have.
222
00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:28,769
It's your birthday, and
you won't eat cake.
223
00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:30,727
Cece, you're better than
that; you really are.
224
00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:33,730
I just... I just feel
sorry for you sometimes.
225
00:08:33,774 --> 00:08:37,386
You feel sorryfor me?
226
00:08:39,997 --> 00:08:42,739
You just hit me
in the boob.
227
00:08:42,783 --> 00:08:45,133
It was an accident.
It was not
an accident.
228
00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:46,482
Fine. It wasn't.
229
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,919
Oh... my... God!
230
00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,747
Ho, ho.
231
00:08:50,791 --> 00:08:52,227
What? Huh?
232
00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:53,663
Huh?
You want that?!
233
00:08:53,707 --> 00:08:56,448
Go. Just go.
Ugh! Uh!
234
00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:57,754
What you gonna do now, huh?
235
00:08:57,798 --> 00:08:59,800
Just...
What?
236
00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:01,802
What? What? What?
What?
237
00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:02,890
What? What?
What?
238
00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:06,458
[exhales]
239
00:09:06,502 --> 00:09:07,808
You should go.
240
00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:09,897
Thanks for a great birthday.
241
00:09:17,818 --> 00:09:19,863
NADIA:
Cece?
242
00:09:19,907 --> 00:09:21,038
You drink with mouth?
243
00:09:21,082 --> 00:09:23,127
Tonight, I drink with mouth.
244
00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:29,525
Well, guess who's
not getting a turtle?
245
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:30,700
They were out of turtles.
246
00:09:30,744 --> 00:09:33,616
I bought a tiny cowboy hat
for nothing.
247
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:36,619
Schmidt's not talking
to you right now.We're still on this?
248
00:09:36,663 --> 00:09:39,535
Schmidt is tired of doing things
for you that go unnoticed.
249
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,102
Things like: lining your shoes
up at the door...
250
00:09:41,145 --> 00:09:42,756
Don't line my shoes up
at the door anymore.
251
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,888
...recording
your favorite TV shows...I appreciate that.
252
00:09:44,932 --> 00:09:47,848
...the turn-down service.The turn-down
service is weird
253
00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:50,677
and I never asked
you to do that.
Well, I guess
those chocolate mints
254
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,809
just disappeared
on their own.
Oh, I thought we
weren't talking.
255
00:09:52,853 --> 00:09:54,768
We're not.Then why do I hear words
256
00:09:54,811 --> 00:09:56,160
coming out
that stupid hole in your face?
257
00:09:56,204 --> 00:09:58,293
I'm a human being,
and I'm entitled to my emotions.
258
00:09:58,336 --> 00:09:59,990
Are you crying?
259
00:10:00,034 --> 00:10:01,644
No.
260
00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:03,690
Are you seriously crying,
Schmidt?
261
00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:04,691
I'm not crying.
[sniffles]
262
00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:10,740
[Jess groans]
263
00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:13,264
Rough night, you guys.
264
00:10:13,308 --> 00:10:14,657
I forgot
to take out my contacts.
265
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:16,311
I think they're fused
to my eyeballs.
266
00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:19,967
What's going on?
267
00:10:21,751 --> 00:10:23,361
Did you guys
watch porn together again?
268
00:10:23,405 --> 00:10:24,536
Why do you keep doing that?
269
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:25,712
It's always awkward.
270
00:10:28,366 --> 00:10:30,891
Oh, wow.
271
00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:33,067
What the hell was that?
272
00:10:33,110 --> 00:10:34,764
In March,
I will have been living
273
00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:36,679
with Schmidt for ten years.
274
00:10:36,723 --> 00:10:37,767
I know that
275
00:10:37,811 --> 00:10:39,290
because he sent me
an e-mail asking
276
00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:41,728
how I want to celebrate
our "tin anniversary."
277
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:43,860
How did you guys become friends?
278
00:10:43,904 --> 00:10:44,861
Was it an accident?
279
00:10:44,905 --> 00:10:46,080
Did you hit him with your car
280
00:10:46,123 --> 00:10:47,821
and you became
his reluctant caretaker?
281
00:10:47,864 --> 00:10:49,170
He lived in my freshman dorm.
282
00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:51,694
And one day,
he was just there.
283
00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:53,870
[crunching, chewing]
284
00:10:53,914 --> 00:10:55,742
Hey, hey, whoa, man,
what are you doing in here?
285
00:10:55,785 --> 00:10:56,786
That's my ramen.
286
00:10:56,830 --> 00:10:58,745
It's better this way.
287
00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:00,485
Y-You add water to it,
you weirdo.
288
00:11:00,529 --> 00:11:03,575
It's not a dry treat,
it's a soup.
289
00:11:03,619 --> 00:11:04,925
Who are you?Schmidt.
290
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:06,796
You freak me out, man.
291
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,406
[both laugh]
292
00:11:08,450 --> 00:11:10,713
This is cool.
We got a good vibe going, man.
293
00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:11,758
You're a super weird guy.
294
00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:13,411
[laughing]
295
00:11:15,936 --> 00:11:18,068
Hey, sit there
while I throw things at you.
296
00:11:18,112 --> 00:11:19,330
Body slam!
No!
297
00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:20,723
Don't do this! No!
298
00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:22,899
And then he was
always there.
299
00:11:22,943 --> 00:11:23,944
[both chuckle]
300
00:11:23,987 --> 00:11:25,641
And the truth is, is,
301
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,862
Schmidt loves me so much,
302
00:11:28,905 --> 00:11:31,429
and to be honest,
Jess, it scares me.
303
00:11:31,473 --> 00:11:32,779
I mean, I don't think
I deserve
304
00:11:32,822 --> 00:11:33,780
all of Schmidt's love.
305
00:11:33,823 --> 00:11:35,564
All I do is tease him.
306
00:11:35,607 --> 00:11:36,957
I mean, of course you do.
307
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,567
[chuckling]:
That's all you can do.
308
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,612
Do you think
I'm a bad friend?
309
00:11:40,656 --> 00:11:43,093
No, no, I'm a bad friend.
310
00:11:43,137 --> 00:11:45,226
I got mad at Cece
for being a model.
311
00:11:45,269 --> 00:11:46,575
It's a dumb thing to be.
312
00:11:46,618 --> 00:11:48,446
We got in a boob fight.
313
00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:50,318
Feels like I fell
forward on a treadmill.I'm just gonna say this--
314
00:11:50,361 --> 00:11:52,929
I find that arousing,
and let's move on.
315
00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:54,365
Just, she's smart, you know,
and she's interesting
316
00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:56,106
and she could be doing
anything else with her life
317
00:11:56,150 --> 00:11:57,412
or at least trying.
318
00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:58,761
You know,
the weird thing is,
319
00:11:58,805 --> 00:12:01,416
I was actually there
when she got discovered.
320
00:12:01,459 --> 00:12:03,461
You, take
your glasses off.
321
00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:05,507
Okay.
322
00:12:06,987 --> 00:12:09,772
JESS:
I can take my glasses off.
323
00:12:11,034 --> 00:12:12,819
[chuckles nervously]
324
00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:15,778
I guess I was
always disappointed
325
00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:17,824
with her for
calling that lady.
326
00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:20,000
It's just, when I
hear all the stuff
327
00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:21,044
about Cece's profession--
328
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:24,134
like, the dieting--
it's crazy--
329
00:12:24,178 --> 00:12:25,614
and the butt
drinking and the...
330
00:12:25,657 --> 00:12:27,659
Did you say
"butt drinking"?
331
00:12:27,703 --> 00:12:29,009
Yeah.
You can't say
"butt drinking"
332
00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,401
and then not explain
what it is.
Yeah.
333
00:12:30,445 --> 00:12:31,925
It has two
of my four favorite things.
334
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:34,884
I just feel like we have
nothing in common, you know?Yeah.
335
00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:36,407
Do you ever wonder
why we're friends
336
00:12:36,451 --> 00:12:37,844
with these people, Jess?
337
00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:40,498
And, worse,
if we met them now,
338
00:12:40,542 --> 00:12:41,848
you think we'd still be
friends with them?
339
00:12:41,891 --> 00:12:43,980
[chuckling]:
Maybe not.
340
00:12:45,547 --> 00:12:48,419
I should go talk to her.
341
00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:49,856
[door opens]
342
00:12:49,899 --> 00:12:53,642
Well, Nick, I'm out of tears--
plumb out.
343
00:12:53,685 --> 00:12:57,646
All that's left
is just yellowish goo.
344
00:12:57,689 --> 00:13:00,823
That's right, Nick-- goo.
345
00:13:00,867 --> 00:13:02,912
[door slams]
346
00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:04,827
That's a third
of my life.
347
00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:06,524
Cece.
348
00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:09,049
Oh, hey, Nadia, sorry.
349
00:13:09,092 --> 00:13:10,833
This Wilmer Valderrama.
350
00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:14,228
[laughs]
351
00:13:14,271 --> 00:13:15,882
Um, Nadia, that's not--
352
00:13:15,925 --> 00:13:20,843
I mean-- or what I thought
he would look like
353
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:22,845
in person.
354
00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:23,759
[mouthing]
Nice to meet you.
355
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:24,847
Big fan.
356
00:13:24,891 --> 00:13:25,761
Where's Cece?
357
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:26,980
Cece drink too much.
358
00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:28,677
She puke, puke, puke.
359
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:29,678
She puke,
360
00:13:29,721 --> 00:13:31,723
cry, puke, cry.
361
00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:32,942
She's so weak.
362
00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:35,902
You put on pajama,
Wilmer Valderrama,
363
00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:37,860
top only.
364
00:13:37,904 --> 00:13:39,949
Then, you make me
salad, bitch.
365
00:13:39,993 --> 00:13:42,952
Let's, let's get
you into bed, okay?
366
00:13:42,996 --> 00:13:45,041
I don't think we're doing
any modeling today.
367
00:13:45,085 --> 00:13:47,739
No, I have to go,
Jess, I have to go.
368
00:13:47,783 --> 00:13:50,133
It's my job, all right?
369
00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:51,526
You know what, Cece?
370
00:13:51,569 --> 00:13:53,702
I'm so sorry
about last night.
371
00:13:53,745 --> 00:13:57,010
I know that you're...
[gags]
372
00:13:57,053 --> 00:13:58,576
[exhales]
373
00:13:58,620 --> 00:14:00,578
I know you're an
intelligent person,
374
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:02,363
and sometimes
I just...
[gags]
375
00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:07,455
[exhales]
I just get mixed
up, you know,
376
00:14:07,498 --> 00:14:09,892
and I think that
you're like me.
[gags]
377
00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:12,155
CECE:
Don't, don't worry,
I'm here.
378
00:14:12,199 --> 00:14:13,722
Just tell me where to stand
and what we're selling.
379
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:14,984
I'm gonna give it
everything I got.
380
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,032
I'm calling your agency.
381
00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:20,816
This is totally
unprofessional.
382
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:21,730
Don't call my agency.
383
00:14:21,773 --> 00:14:23,079
Just tell me where to stand.
384
00:14:23,123 --> 00:14:24,341
Up on the
spinning platform.
385
00:14:24,385 --> 00:14:27,344
Yeah, I can't do that.Okay.
386
00:14:27,388 --> 00:14:29,346
Please, no, seriously don't.
I can't lose this job.
No.
387
00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:30,913
Don't call the
agency, okay?
388
00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:32,828
I'll do it.
What?
389
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:36,049
I'm actually a model, too,
mostly in Japan.
390
00:14:36,092 --> 00:14:40,792
Um, they call me
Giggle Bangs Rice Bowl.
391
00:14:40,836 --> 00:14:42,925
I know you're lying
and I just don't care.
392
00:14:42,969 --> 00:14:45,014
Get over to hair
and makeup now.
393
00:14:45,058 --> 00:14:46,798
Cool.
394
00:14:47,364 --> 00:14:49,453
[gags]
395
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:56,983
[sighs]
396
00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:02,945
These things are heavy.
397
00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:04,947
It's like chain mail on my eyes.
398
00:15:04,991 --> 00:15:06,644
So, your job is to highlight
the features of the car
399
00:15:06,688 --> 00:15:08,429
Gary describes.
We need you
to be fun and sexy and American.
400
00:15:08,472 --> 00:15:09,560
Then he's gonna move
to the EcoBoost engine
401
00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:10,822
and the new interior styling.
402
00:15:10,866 --> 00:15:12,172
For the EcoBoost engine,
give me something
403
00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:13,956
mischievous.
Mischievous.
404
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,002
Mischievous.Show me mischievous.
405
00:15:17,090 --> 00:15:18,004
Okay, and at the end,
just say,
406
00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:19,962
"Ford. Go further."
407
00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:21,964
Do I have to wear those?
408
00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:23,531
Hey, everybody,
my name's Gary, and I want
409
00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:28,188
to introduce you to the all-new
2013 Ford Fusion.
410
00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:31,017
Say hello to my good friend
Jessica.
411
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:34,020
["You Make My Dreams"
by Hall & Oates playing]
412
00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:39,025
The all-new Fusion
has been totally redesigned
413
00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:41,636
inside and out.
414
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:44,030
All-new styling,
18-inch aluminum wheels,
415
00:15:44,073 --> 00:15:47,207
three-year,
bumper-to-bumper warranty,
416
00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:48,338
five-year power train,
417
00:15:48,382 --> 00:15:50,079
available Active Park,
418
00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:52,168
available lane-keeping system,
419
00:15:52,212 --> 00:15:55,606
standard voice-activated SYNC.
420
00:15:55,650 --> 00:15:57,782
Your co-workers will be jealous.
421
00:15:57,826 --> 00:16:01,090
From power plants
that enhance efficiency
422
00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:03,179
the high-voltage
lithium-ion battery pack
423
00:16:03,223 --> 00:16:06,704
provides enough power to operate
in all-electric mode
424
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:09,838
for short commutes-- very smart.
425
00:16:09,881 --> 00:16:13,363
The Ford Fusion is designed
to be environmentally conscious.
426
00:16:13,407 --> 00:16:16,105
Fusion Hybrid and the Fusion
Energi are each powered
427
00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:19,239
by a combination
high-voltage electric motor
428
00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:23,286
that utilizes...
recycled material.
429
00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:25,636
[audience gasps, murmurs]
430
00:16:28,291 --> 00:16:31,251
The Fusion is available
with an EcoBoost engine...
431
00:16:31,294 --> 00:16:33,427
a hybrid,
432
00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:36,256
and a plug-in hybrid.
433
00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:40,260
The SE Hybrid is available
with eco-friendly cloth seating.
434
00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:44,046
No matter what color your
seats-- ha!-- they'll be green.
435
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:47,049
Smoother rides,
more fuel efficiency...
436
00:16:47,093 --> 00:16:49,051
Gary...
437
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:50,879
The hybrid gets
47 miles to the gallon,
438
00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:53,099
so you're gonna be
filling up your tank less.Gary... Gary...!
439
00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:54,230
When you do...JESS: I can't get out.
440
00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:56,058
Hey, man,
it's your old pal Jessica.
441
00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:58,974
And it's not that
difficult to get out.
442
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,063
There's also the available
auto start-stop
443
00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:02,238
[horn honks]that...
444
00:17:02,282 --> 00:17:05,067
Use the handle.What's happening?
445
00:17:05,111 --> 00:17:07,113
Further, go further.
446
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:12,074
[clears throat]
447
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:13,162
Hey.
448
00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:17,079
Uh, Schmidt, I got you
something, man.
449
00:17:25,696 --> 00:17:28,090
Uh, they didn't have a
Jewish star at the store,
450
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:30,136
so I got you a
regular cookie
451
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,486
and I made the star myself
by breaking off the pieces.
452
00:17:32,529 --> 00:17:35,097
It's meant to celebrate
your Jewish heritage.
453
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:36,794
What is this?
454
00:17:36,838 --> 00:17:38,100
A Jewish star--
I just said that.
455
00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:39,710
Hey, hey, Schmidt, just...This...
456
00:17:39,754 --> 00:17:43,279
is so terrible!
457
00:17:43,323 --> 00:17:46,456
You gave me a cookie,
I gave you a cookie.
458
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,068
You gave me a cookie,
gave you cookie.
459
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,941
Gave me cookie,
got you cookie!
460
00:17:52,984 --> 00:17:56,031
[voice breaking]:
You gave me cookie,
I got you cookie, man!
461
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,467
Gave me cookie,
got you cookie!
462
00:17:57,511 --> 00:17:59,991
We're even!
We're even, Schmidt!
463
00:18:01,036 --> 00:18:02,733
I mean, what do
you want from me?
464
00:18:02,777 --> 00:18:04,692
What do you want, Schmidt?
465
00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:07,129
I've been racking
my brain all day.
466
00:18:07,173 --> 00:18:10,045
I walked around the
grocery store, man,
467
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,134
for 45 minutes.
468
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:13,918
I didn't know
what to get you.
469
00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:16,051
And then I was thinking I
was gonna get you ramen
470
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,314
like we used to eat, but
you probably eat, like,
471
00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:20,186
fancy ramen now with,
like, figs in it.
472
00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:22,188
I don't know, man.
473
00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:26,192
You love me too
much, Schmidt,
474
00:18:26,235 --> 00:18:28,194
and you picked
the wrong guy.
475
00:18:29,195 --> 00:18:30,761
And when are you
gonna get that
476
00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:33,155
through that giant
head of yours?
477
00:18:34,809 --> 00:18:38,117
I'm just gonna
let you down, man.
478
00:18:42,077 --> 00:18:43,209
Are you crying?
479
00:18:43,252 --> 00:18:45,298
I'm not crying, man.
480
00:18:45,341 --> 00:18:47,343
Yeah, you are crying.
481
00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:48,475
Oh, my God.
482
00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:50,172
I'm not crying, guys.
Just drop it.
483
00:18:50,216 --> 00:18:52,087
I just felt like I
did something nice.
484
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,175
Yes, you are, and that's okay.
485
00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:55,046
Don't say that, man,
'cause that...
486
00:18:55,090 --> 00:18:56,831
[clears throat]
You know what I mean? Like...
487
00:18:56,874 --> 00:18:57,832
Just let it rain, man.
488
00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,225
I got you the
cookie, Schmidt.
489
00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:01,052
It's the best
I can do, man.
490
00:19:01,096 --> 00:19:04,099
What about the turtle?
491
00:19:06,101 --> 00:19:08,408
You're the only
turtle I want.
492
00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:10,366
You're the turtle, man.
493
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:13,369
I knew I was
the turtle.
494
00:19:13,413 --> 00:19:16,285
Yeah, man, you're
the turtle.
495
00:19:16,329 --> 00:19:17,417
I knew I was the turtle.
496
00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:20,202
[laughs]
497
00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:22,378
You guys are the best, man.
I love you guys.
498
00:19:22,422 --> 00:19:24,467
I'm sorry,
sorry, man.
499
00:19:24,511 --> 00:19:26,252
[sighs, groans]
500
00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:29,342
Hey, yeah.
501
00:19:29,385 --> 00:19:31,431
[laughs]
502
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,434
I'm going to, uh...Yeah, I've got...
503
00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:35,478
I'm gonna eat my sandwich.
504
00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:36,914
[overlapping chatter]
505
00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:38,046
This is a good sandwich.
506
00:19:38,089 --> 00:19:40,657
See you guys.This needed to happen.
507
00:19:40,701 --> 00:19:43,225
Wow, they gave you
the, the huge lashes.
508
00:19:43,269 --> 00:19:44,313
Like, those are
the magnums.
509
00:19:44,357 --> 00:19:46,097
Yeah, I actually
like 'em.
510
00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:47,621
I think I'm just
gonna keep 'em on.
511
00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:48,709
You're afraid
to take the glue off.
512
00:19:48,752 --> 00:19:51,277
Yeah, I'm terrified.
513
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,366
I'm really sorry about
what I said last night
514
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:57,065
'cause... this is hard.
515
00:19:57,108 --> 00:19:58,849
It is just
pointing at stuff,
516
00:19:58,893 --> 00:20:00,590
but it is-- it's hard.
517
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,157
Why is it so hard?
518
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,246
You make it look
a lot harder.
519
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:06,248
No, you're brave.
520
00:20:06,292 --> 00:20:07,510
You've always been
braver than me.
521
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,651
Okay, what did you do
to me last night?
522
00:20:17,694 --> 00:20:20,654
I mean, can you sprain
someone's chest?
523
00:20:20,697 --> 00:20:22,612
You should see
the other guys.
524
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:24,179
[chuckles]
525
00:20:25,354 --> 00:20:27,269
WOMAN:
Dionne asking Tai
for sex advice?
526
00:20:27,313 --> 00:20:29,271
I'm so full.
527
00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:30,925
This really is
your best cake ever.
528
00:20:30,968 --> 00:20:32,100
Do you think so?
Mm-hmm.
529
00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:33,101
We all think so.
530
00:20:33,144 --> 00:20:35,059
Hey, that's gross.
531
00:20:35,103 --> 00:20:36,496
Get a fork, man.I got two
532
00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:38,324
perfectly good forks
at the end of my arms.
533
00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:40,282
Hey, man, you do
what you do.
534
00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:42,110
Be you, man.
SCHMIDT:
I'd eat out
of your hands, Nick.
535
00:20:42,153 --> 00:20:43,154
Cake on your face.Petting zoo style.
536
00:20:43,198 --> 00:20:45,200
NICK: Yeah, yeah.Cake all day.
537
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:46,462
Talkin' about cake!
538
00:20:46,506 --> 00:20:47,507
Frickin' cake dudes.WINSTON: Look at you.
539
00:20:47,550 --> 00:20:48,986
Look at you. Frosting face.Hey.
540
00:20:49,030 --> 00:20:51,075
Want cake on your face?I don't really care.
541
00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:54,557
Do you think, if we met today,
we would still be friends?
542
00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:57,343
WINSTON: I could watch
you eat cake all day.Couple of guys eating cake.
543
00:20:57,386 --> 00:20:58,953
I'm gonna have to do
so much cardio tomorrow.
544
00:20:58,996 --> 00:21:02,086
I don't know,
but we're friends now.
545
00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:03,784
[both chuckle]
546
00:21:03,827 --> 00:21:05,960
Happy birthday, Cece.
547
00:21:06,003 --> 00:21:07,962
Oh, man!
That's messy.
548
00:21:08,005 --> 00:21:10,007
You like rap music?Yeah, sure do.
549
00:21:10,051 --> 00:21:12,445
Who's your favorite rapper?Brian Austin Green.
550
00:21:12,488 --> 00:21:15,012
He's cool.He's awesome.
551
00:21:15,056 --> 00:21:17,145
Go like this.
552
00:21:17,188 --> 00:21:18,973
[laughs]
553
00:21:19,016 --> 00:21:21,497
Try to catch the Pop-Tart,
you big boy.
554
00:21:21,541 --> 00:21:23,238
Good, I love Pop-Tarts.
555
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:24,718
Oh!
[laughs]
556
00:21:24,761 --> 00:21:25,893
Now close your eyes.
557
00:21:25,936 --> 00:21:26,981
[laughs]
558
00:21:27,851 --> 00:21:29,331
Did you get me?Yeah.
559
00:21:29,375 --> 00:21:30,941
Good job.Ready?
560
00:21:30,985 --> 00:21:33,901
[both laugh]
561
00:21:33,944 --> 00:21:35,119
Ready?
Yeah.
562
00:21:35,163 --> 00:21:37,165
Aah, we did it!
37972
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