Original subtitles

I'm gonna miss you so much,

but we can speak on the computer so you'll see my face.

But we won't be able to touch you.

Hey, look. You'll still have me.

-Just you? -Yes. Just-- Your father. Hi.

(haltingly playing piano)

(plays false notes)

(hisses)

(hisses)

Wow.

(clicks tongue, hisses)

Fuck.

(coughs, clears throat)

(continues playing)

(humming along softly)

* Muggy nights *

* The curtains drawn *

* In the little room downstairs *

* Prima... prima donna, Lord *

* You really should've been there *

* Sittin' like a princess perched *

* In her electric chair *

* And it's one more beer *

* And I don't hear you *

* Anymore *

* We've all gone crazy lately *

* My friends out there *

* Rollin' round the basement floor *

* Ooh *

* Oo... *

* Ooh *

* Someone saved my life tonight *

* Sugar bear *

* Almost had your hooks in me *

* Didn't you, dear? *

* You nearly *

* Had me roped and tied *

* Altar-bound, hypnotized *

* Sweet freedom whispered in my ear *

* You're a *

* Butterfly *

* And butterflies are free to fly *

* Fly away *

* High away *

* Ah... *

* Bye... *

* Bye... bye. *

(vocalizing)

Here we go.

(playing false notes)

(sighs)

(hissing)

(groaning)

(discordant notes)

I'm getting the worst hands.

-Me too. -Uh-oh. Don't say those words.

The PC police might show up and arrest me

for playing cards alone with you three gorgeous women.

(women chuckling)

I think all this Me Too stuff is good.

Seeing all those horrible men being taken down.

Lord knows I wish my Daddy would be around

to get his reckoning.

Oh, things used to be so different.

I'd probably be in prison for ten life sentences.

-Kidding. Just kidding. -(Gloria groans)

-Can't even joke anymore? -(chuckles)

Whenever a man would pinch my behind,

-I took it as a compliment. -(chuckles)

And I would pinch him right back.

(laughing)

My sexuality was my greatest asset.

I didn't have higher education. I couldn't type.

And yet I got hired for every job I ever applied to,

and I knew it was because of the way I looked.

-Mm... -Mm-hmm. -(chuckling)

Hi!

-OTHERS: Hi! -Hi!

Hmm.

-Mm. -Mm.

Phil?

-What? -Phil, it's today.

-Mm-mmm. -It's today.

We're not putting it off anymore.

Give me your spit.

What is that?

I think it's a DNA test.

No, I don't want to.

And the advances of my coworkers were just part of it.

Part of what?

Not your business.

Okay. That's fine.

Let's go. Come on.

Let's just do it today. You guys don't mind for one sec?

She promised me she would do this.

-Spit in here. -Stop it!

Spit in here. It'll be fun.

No!

-(sighs) -It does not sound fun to me.

I have no interest in some Irish third cousin I've never heard of

tracking me down, trying to get money out of me.

This is so annoying! You said you would do this.

I'm not going to do it.

-You're gonna do it. -I'm not going to.

-I'm gonna get you. -You're not.

-Goddamn it, Phil. -I am not...

Phil, stay!

-No! -Phil,

-stop it! -I'm not going to do it!

Phil, you want me to chase you?

I will chase you.

-You'll never catch me. -We're not...

Phyllis!

You w... Phil, you...

-Mom! -No!

-Phyllis! -What?!

-(muttering) -SAM: This is silly.

You are such a child.

-Phil! Goddamn it! -I'm not going to. No!

-I'm not going. No. -Fine.

-I'm not letting you through. -(grunting)

-No. Mom. -(crying)

-I'm taking you down. -(grunting)

-Mom, give me your spit! -Ow!

-Stop. -What?

Okay. Spit!

-(spits) -LORELAI: Ooh.

Not just one spit.

You got to fill the whole vial.

-(groaning) -(Hal groans)

Jesus, I may puke.

I may puke.

Just do it.

-(spitting, groaning) -(groans)

-(spits) -(groans)

(groans) There!

Go away! For God's sake.

SAM: Jesus.

I'd better be Samoan or something cool,

worth doing this for.

Bye!

-Bye. -Bye. -Hey, Sam.

What do you call Jewish girls who won't give blow jobs?

Married. Ha!

-Good one, Hal! -(laughs)

See? She doesn't mind.

Oh, my God.

You're a dirty old man.

-Eh. -I like it.

(chuckling)

*

WOMAN: After seeing three other doctors,

only Dr. Ballinger

was able to make me pain-free again.

Dr. Ballinger is a miracle worker.

*

Thank you.

(groans)

(clears throat)

What are you in for?

Eh, wear and tear.

I don't got a good story.

Same.

When did your hands start to go bad?

When I was about, uh,

78, 79.

Not too long ago.

SAM: So, wh-what should we do? (exhales)

Oh, man. I'm-I'm...

I think I'm a little emotional.

It took me six months to get this appointment. (sniffles)

Why'd you wait so long?

Because you...

Anyway, I'm here now, so...

I will do whatever it takes.

I know you're the miracle worker.

Whatever you want to do--

P.T., O.T.,

supplements, steroids.

Well,

this side is mild to moderate,

and this is moderate to severe.

(sniffles) Mm.

Your hands are much older than you are.

Oh.

-May I touch you? -Yeah.

This hurt?

Ow. Yeah.

Mm.

How about this?

(whistles, squeaks) Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yup.

Your muscles have atrophied.

Jesus. Well, what about physical therapy?

Won't help. Listen, I'm a surgeon.

I would love to go in there and cut,

but your hand could wind up like this.

Well, what about all the patient testimonials

in the waiting room?

How am I supposed to function without opposable thumbs?

I'm sorry, Sam. The technology just isn't here

for what you've got, yet.

You are a lot younger than your hands.

Jesus.

That's the first time in forever anyone ever said I was young.

This blows dead donkey dicks.

Well, you don't need hands for that.

-(chuckles) -(fake chuckles)

It's true.

(phone vibrates)

(sighs)

SAM: Yello?

JESSICA: Sam, quick thought.

I spoke with my producers, and we want to move you up.

SAM: Oh, wow. Really?

JESSICA: Yeah, you know, I can't stop thinking about you, and then

I started thinking about me. I just got tired of being

some gun for hire, you know?

I mean, fuck, I'm gonna be 30 in, like, five minutes.

Yeah.

You need to prepare yourself, Sam.

You're gonna wake up and be 50, and then what are you gonna do?

Well,

I hadn't actually thought about that.

I mean, you need to have something of your own, right?

Because if we don't come up with it,

then nobody else is gonna goddamn do it.

Yeah.

Fuck, yeah.

And I'm aware of the irony here,

that technically you're my hired gun.

That's okay.

I'm okay with irony.

But I really want you to make this your own thing.

I think you are brilliant,

and I want that Sam Fox brilliant brain

splattered all over my show.

Wow. That is cool.

Hey, can you say that shit

about how brilliant you think I am to my daughters?

See? Fucking hilarious!

I am so excited.

I discovered you. I want everybody to know

that you never existed before this moment.

It's gonna be amazing.

Think of some ideas, and then we'll chat.

I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am about this.

(owl hooting)

(soft rustling)

(birds singing)

(groans softly)

(gasps)

Whoa.

(owl squeals)

O... kay.

(quietly): Okay, boy. Okay, boy.

(louder): Okay, boy.

Get somebody to...

-(door closes) -(owl squeaks)

Is it gone?

-Nope. -MAX: Why isn't it leaving?

It's probably just scared.

Maybe it got a letter from Hogwarts. Heh!

Mom, this is serious. An owl in the house is bad luck.

(spits) Don't say that!

So, owls have traditionally been seen as a harbinger of death,

but they can also be a sign of change and fertility.

So which is it?

We should take the snake out.

-Owls eat snakes, shit licker. -Not baby ones.

Oh, so you want

-to murder a baby owl? -SAM: Nuh-uh.

That ain't no baby owl.

No, I just want to s... scare it off.

You want me to go get my dad?

I'm gonna go get my dad.

(Sam scoffs)

Did she just go in there?

Uh...

Why do you have "penis" on the wall?

BOTH: We have a lot of penises on the wall.

We should really...

take the penises off the wall.

It's not good with company, you know?

Hi. I'm Duke.

(owl squeaks)

(owl squeaking)

I promise I'll be careful

if you promise not to peck my eyes out.

* I didn't want to *

* Get home yesterday *

-* But all my friends did * -(owl squeaks)

* So I did it anyway... *

Take the penises off the wall.

* In the mirror... *

Oh!

(gasps)

-Wow. -Whoa.

Cool.

Gosh, look at its little beak.

(gasps) Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah.

-What? -You don't touch it.

With the finger oil, his mother may kill him

or not come back or something.

Actually, Mom, that's a myth.

You just want to be careful, you don't want to hurt it.

Mm.

* Tomorrow someone will... *

(gasps) Oh, my God.

SAM: Be careful. So soft.

* Tomorrow someone... *

All right, little guy,

we got to get you back where you belong.

Okay, I got to, like, call...

Animal Control or something.

We should name it first.

-What should we name it? -What's his name? Edwin.

-Edwin. -Oh, my God. It's perfect.

Edwin. Oh, my God.

Edwin, oh, my God. Edwin, Edwin, Edwin.

-The softest thing in the world. -Okay, let's get him

-to... because... -Be careful. Be careful.

-Be careful. Be careful. -I got it.

-Oh, my God. -You're like his mommy.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

(chuckles) Hi, José.

Hey. Hi, Sam.

Hi.

Everything okay?

SAM: Uh, yeah, yeah.

The pets are fine.

It's just that I had them take away the girls.

Couldn't housebreak 'em.

(both chuckle)

-Uh, Reinita's behaving herself? -Oh, yeah.

She's the best. I'm keeping her.

Ah. She made a list for me the other day.

All the colleges she wants to go to-- all out of state.

-Whoa. -And she said, "Papi, if I get

into these schools, can you help pay for them?"

What can I say to that?

I want to give her everything, you know?

-Yeah, she's a really great kid. -(sighs)

Yeah. Between that and her quinceañera next month,

my wife thinks we should move to Phoenix to save money.

-Really? -Yeah. What am I supposed to do for work?

-Nothing grows there. -(sighs)

You know, maybe we should team up.

What do you mean?

Frankie was talking about doing one of those...

-A quinceañera? -Yeah.

But a-aren't you guys Jewish?

-Mm. -I mean, even though I do

bring you a Christmas tree every Hanukkah.

-Yeah. Heh! -(laughs)

No, I mean, is that weird? Is that bad?

They're a lot of fun. She should.

Hey, have you seen your new trees?

Grapefruit, Meyer lemon and kumquat.

-You like the pots? -They're so gorgeous!

-Yeah? -Thank you, José. I love it.

-(laughs) Of course. -PHYLLIS: José?

I'm so glad you haven't left.

-Oh, hi. -It seems

you've pruned the wrong branches on my plum tree.

-¿Qué? -Mm?

-I'm pretty sure I didn't. -(chuckles) Afraid you did.

Okay. I'll go check it out then.

-No, no, no, no. -PHYLLIS: What?

-What are you doing? -What?

-It's not your day. -I know that,

but he likes my latkes. Come along, José.

-No. (scoffs) -She made it a little weird.

-(José chuckles) -Oh, my God!

That's so rude.

-(quietly): Sam, I got it. -He won't be long.

-SAM: Ugh. -I'm coming, Phil.

-Phil! -PHYLLIS: Good, good.

-Be nice! -I will!

(scoffs)

Is this the Meyer lemon?

(sniffs) Oh, I love it.

Mom! Mom!

Mom, can Pepper start the El Camino?

Just-just start it.

SAM: Oh, God. Geez!

Say yes, Sam!

SAM: Oh, God.

Just don't tell your mom!

-Oh, my God! -I know!

(both giggling)

Go, go!

Your chariot, miss.

-Oh, thank you kindly. -(chuckles)

(screaming)

(laughing)

(continues screaming)

What happened? What happened?

What happened?

Oh, okay.

Let me see. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Raise your hand in the air.

I got you. I got you. It's okay.

Okay. It's okay, sweetie. It's okay.

Let me just wrap it up.

-(laughing) -What is wrong with you?!

I'm sorry, I can't help it.

-Get a towel! -(continues laughing)

-(sobbing): Is it bad? -It's okay, baby. No.

-Honey, honey, just calm down. -Ow! Ow!

Lay your head back. Lay your head back. Yeah.

You just cut it a little bit, sweetie.

Yes. It's okay.

-It's okay. -Mom, is it "qualm with"

or "qualm about"? Mom!

-SAM: Frankie, call Pepper's mom! -(Pepper sobbing)

-It's okay, honey. -FRANKIE: Mom, Chewy's got something.

Chewy, release!

-What is that? Come here, come here. -(Duke laughing)

Duke, Duke, where are the keys?

-Duke, where are the keys?! -I don't know.

Looks like a worm or something.

-Duke. -Pepper has them.

-SAM: Okay. Okay. -He swallowed it.

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh, shit.

Oh, Jesus.

It's okay. That's fine.

That's fine. No, no, no, no, no.

Don't look at that. Don't look at... Pepper?

Pepper! Okay.

Frankie!

Good boy. What a good poop.

Yes, a good poop.

Good boy. Who made a good poop?

-Mom, where's my black dress? -SAM: What?

-Like, with the neck. -Check your closet.

No, it's not there, and I have to go to work.

Well, I'm sorry. I'm kind of busy

'cause I have to sift through Chewy's shit right now,

so maybe you can look yourself?

-Ew, Mom. That's disgusting. -FRANKIE: Yeah,

-and she's probably gonna have to put him down, too. -What?!

-Frankie! -He tasted human flesh.

Mom, you can't kill Chewy.

-Nobody's killing Chewy. -MAX: Mom,

-I'm gonna be late. -So wear something else.

I can't wear something else 'cause I have my period.

Max, can you just check the laundry room

because, I'm sorry, full disclosure,

I forgot to put the load in last night.

-Sorry. -Mom, the laundry?

And, Duke, no one's killing anyone.

-Promise? -SAM: Yes, I promise.

Chewy's gonna be around for a long time.

Unless that coyote comes back, you know.

MAX: You know, Mom, if you don't

do the laundry and we think you are,

it's kind of messed up.

I was counting on that to be clean.

(mockingly): So sorry.

Oh, my God.

I didn't check the laundry.

(Max sighs)

Mom, get out.

Oh, my God. Nothing fits. I'm so bloated.

I'm sorry that you feel bad,

but you have to learn to rein this shit in, okay?

I never took my period out on anybody the way that you do.

Oh, mm, sorry, Mom.

Maybe I should just go, like, lay down in my trailer,

-right? -What?

This is actual work,

Mom. I have to be on my feet all night.

It's not like some movie set.

Max, I know you're a little stressed out

and this is your first job, but that doesn't mean

you get to be super shitty to me whenever you want.

Mom, I'm not being super shitty. You're so dramatic.

I can't believe I still have to put up with this bullshit.

You realize you live here rent-free, right?

-You do realize that? -Oh, you want me to go?

-I'll go. I am fucking gone. -Good.

The second I save up some money.

You have a paycheck. What's stopping you?

You think I won't?

Goodbye. Good.

-Your dirty dress is in the laundry room. -My dad

said I can live with him whenever I want.

Oh, that old chestnut. Perfect.

-That's great. Go, go. Great. -Great.

-Great. Great. -Great. Great.

You know what would be great, Max?

If you helped me.

It would be great if you helped me.

If you cleaned up after yourself,

that would be great.

If you helped me with your sisters,

that would be great.

Kids aren't supposed to help their mom.

Their mom is supposed to help them.

Oh, is that the law? I didn't realize

that I was breaking, like, the mommy law.

Yeah. And great job you're doing, by the way, Mom.

You know, Frankie basically does whatever the fuck she wants,

and I-I'm probably gonna be fired now, so...

Oh, yeah. I'm bad. That's bad.

-I'm a bad mommy. -No, you're a disaster, Mom.

And you don't always have to be so hard

just 'cause you don't know what it's like to be a woman anymore.

You cunt.

What?

You're a cunt, Max.

-I'm a cunt? -Yep.

You're a cunt.

You're a cunt.

No, Max. You're a cunt.

No, you're a cunt, Mom.

No, you're a cunt, Max.

No, you're a fucking cunt, Mom.

-You're a fucking cunt, Max. -No, you're a fucking cunt, Mom.

You're a fucking cunt, Max.

You're a big fucking cunt, Mom.

You're a big fucking cunt,

your sister's an asshole,

and your other sister's great!

DUKE: Aw, thanks, Mom!

Love you, Mom!

(breathing heavily)

(chuckles softly)

(laughing)

(laughing)

Oh, my God.

(sniffles, chuckles)

(chuckles)

I'm sorry.

(chuckles): No.

-I am a cunt. -No.

I'm a cunt.

No, you're not.

You're the best.

And I am such a cunt.

Well...

(chuckles)

(exhales)

My Uncle Sid called me a cunt.

I was nine.

Uncle Sid?

He's dead now.

Fuck you, Uncle Sid.

Aw.

I love you.

MAX: And I love you.

I don't want you to move out.

But I do.

So you shouldn't.

But please move out soon.

But don't.

Oh, wow.

What?

I just realized

you're gonna have to go through this three times.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

* One down *

* How many to go? *

* Two down *

* How many till I know? *

* How much can one heart take? *

* How many times can one heart break? *

* One down *

* Stay in love forevermore. *

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

-Mom. -Yes?

-Okay. I want a big party this year. -Serious?

-I want a quinceañera. -Quinceañera?

We can't do that. We're too white for that. We're not allowed.

-(screeches) -(grunts)

-(farting) -(groans)

Ow.

Aren't you Lil Dicky?

* Yes, I know That I'm a rapper *

-* At the end of the day * -(gasping)

* But I think It's time you knew me By my government name *

-* Hi, I'm Dave * -ANNOUNCER: Dave.

All-new Wednesday at 10:00 on FXX.

And next day, FX on Hulu.

What is Devs?

What is Devs?

What is Devs?

(screams)

Looks like one of my codpieces.

-Except not as big. -(chuckling)

What are you waiting for? Take your instrument, use my body

and perform your special blood ritual.

(laughing) Kyle.

(up-tempo folk music)

VOCALIST: Hey!