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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,968 --> 00:00:02,570 I'm gonna miss you so much, 2 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,638 but we can speak on the computer so you'll see my face. 3 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:06,707 But we won't be able to touch you. 4 00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:08,209 Hey, look. You'll still have me. 5 00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:11,179 -Just you? -Yes. Just-- Your father. Hi. 6 00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:30,030 (haltingly playing piano) 7 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,939 (plays false notes) 8 00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:40,641 (hisses) 9 00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,180 (hisses) 10 00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:47,581 Wow. 11 00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:49,650 (clicks tongue, hisses) 12 00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:01,162 Fuck. 13 00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:02,230 (coughs, clears throat) 14 00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:03,664 (continues playing) 15 00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:06,834 (humming along softly) 16 00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:08,402 * Muggy nights * 17 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,238 * The curtains drawn * 18 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:14,908 * In the little room downstairs * 19 00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:18,646 * Prima... prima donna, Lord * 20 00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,881 * You really should've been there * 21 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,651 * Sittin' like a princess perched * 22 00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:28,222 * In her electric chair * 23 00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:30,658 * And it's one more beer * 24 00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:32,993 * And I don't hear you * 25 00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:36,564 * Anymore * 26 00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:40,134 * We've all gone crazy lately * 27 00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:42,069 * My friends out there * 28 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:46,574 * Rollin' round the basement floor * 29 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,342 * Ooh * 30 00:01:48,376 --> 00:01:49,743 * Oo... * 31 00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:52,346 * Ooh * 32 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:57,485 * Someone saved my life tonight * 33 00:01:57,518 --> 00:02:00,120 * Sugar bear * 34 00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:04,925 * Almost had your hooks in me * 35 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,328 * Didn't you, dear? * 36 00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:09,096 * You nearly * 37 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:12,933 * Had me roped and tied * 38 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:16,604 * Altar-bound, hypnotized * 39 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:20,441 * Sweet freedom whispered in my ear * 40 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:21,875 * You're a * 41 00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:24,312 * Butterfly * 42 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,450 * And butterflies are free to fly * 43 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,985 * Fly away * 44 00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:36,624 * High away * 45 00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:38,292 * Ah... * 46 00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:39,960 * Bye... * 47 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,796 * Bye... bye. * 48 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:45,233 (vocalizing) 49 00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:53,941 Here we go. 50 00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:56,910 (playing false notes) 51 00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:58,312 (sighs) 52 00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:04,252 (hissing) 53 00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:06,987 (groaning) 54 00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,759 (discordant notes) 55 00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:21,702 I'm getting the worst hands. 56 00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:24,605 -Me too. -Uh-oh. Don't say those words. 57 00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:26,940 The PC police might show up and arrest me 58 00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:30,511 for playing cards alone with you three gorgeous women. 59 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:32,580 (women chuckling) 60 00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,848 I think all this Me Too stuff is good. 61 00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:37,518 Seeing all those horrible men being taken down. 62 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:40,288 Lord knows I wish my Daddy would be around 63 00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:41,755 to get his reckoning. 64 00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:43,524 Oh, things used to be so different. 65 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:47,027 I'd probably be in prison for ten life sentences. 66 00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:51,332 -Kidding. Just kidding. -(Gloria groans) 67 00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:53,734 -Can't even joke anymore? -(chuckles) 68 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,169 Whenever a man would pinch my behind, 69 00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:58,406 -I took it as a compliment. -(chuckles) 70 00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:01,174 And I would pinch him right back. 71 00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:03,243 (laughing) 72 00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:06,714 My sexuality was my greatest asset. 73 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:09,350 I didn't have higher education. I couldn't type. 74 00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:12,353 And yet I got hired for every job I ever applied to, 75 00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,322 and I knew it was because of the way I looked. 76 00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:16,657 -Mm... -Mm-hmm. -(chuckling) 77 00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,392 Hi! 78 00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,428 -OTHERS: Hi! -Hi! 79 00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:21,695 Hmm. 80 00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:23,931 -Mm. -Mm. 81 00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:25,566 Phil? 82 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,168 -What? -Phil, it's today. 83 00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:29,370 -Mm-mmm. -It's today. 84 00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:31,372 We're not putting it off anymore. 85 00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:33,507 Give me your spit. 86 00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:34,708 What is that? 87 00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,710 I think it's a DNA test. 88 00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:38,078 No, I don't want to. 89 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:42,049 And the advances of my coworkers were just part of it. 90 00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,116 Part of what? 91 00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:44,251 Not your business. 92 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,753 Okay. That's fine. 93 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,388 Let's go. Come on. 94 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,890 Let's just do it today. You guys don't mind for one sec? 95 00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:51,392 She promised me she would do this. 96 00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:53,527 -Spit in here. -Stop it! 97 00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:54,928 Spit in here. It'll be fun. 98 00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,497 No! 99 00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:58,799 -(sighs) -It does not sound fun to me. 100 00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:02,135 I have no interest in some Irish third cousin I've never heard of 101 00:05:02,169 --> 00:05:04,405 tracking me down, trying to get money out of me. 102 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,940 This is so annoying! You said you would do this. 103 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:07,941 I'm not going to do it. 104 00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,309 -You're gonna do it. -I'm not going to. 105 00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:10,978 -I'm gonna get you. -You're not. 106 00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:12,413 -Goddamn it, Phil. -I am not... 107 00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,482 Phil, stay! 108 00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:15,816 -No! -Phil, 109 00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:18,285 -stop it! -I'm not going to do it! 110 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,287 Phil, you want me to chase you? 111 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,555 I will chase you. 112 00:05:21,589 --> 00:05:22,556 -You'll never catch me. -We're not... 113 00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:23,624 Phyllis! 114 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:24,992 You w... Phil, you... 115 00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:26,226 -Mom! -No! 116 00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:27,761 -Phyllis! -What?! 117 00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:30,464 -(muttering) -SAM: This is silly. 118 00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:32,332 You are such a child. 119 00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:34,334 -Phil! Goddamn it! -I'm not going to. No! 120 00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:36,103 -I'm not going. No. -Fine. 121 00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:37,605 -I'm not letting you through. -(grunting) 122 00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:38,972 -No. Mom. -(crying) 123 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,974 -I'm taking you down. -(grunting) 124 00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:43,744 -Mom, give me your spit! -Ow! 125 00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:44,712 -Stop. -What? 126 00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:46,580 Okay. Spit! 127 00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:47,648 -(spits) -LORELAI: Ooh. 128 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,182 Not just one spit. 129 00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:50,451 You got to fill the whole vial. 130 00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:53,921 -(groaning) -(Hal groans) 131 00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:55,923 Jesus, I may puke. 132 00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,190 I may puke. 133 00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,459 Just do it. 134 00:05:58,492 --> 00:06:01,929 -(spitting, groaning) -(groans) 135 00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:05,332 -(spits) -(groans) 136 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,601 (groans) There! 137 00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:09,637 Go away! For God's sake. 138 00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,304 SAM: Jesus. 139 00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:13,907 I'd better be Samoan or something cool, 140 00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,443 worth doing this for. 141 00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:16,644 Bye! 142 00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:18,646 -Bye. -Bye. -Hey, Sam. 143 00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:21,682 What do you call Jewish girls who won't give blow jobs? 144 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,016 Married. Ha! 145 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,318 -Good one, Hal! -(laughs) 146 00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:27,888 See? She doesn't mind. 147 00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,990 Oh, my God. 148 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:31,492 You're a dirty old man. 149 00:06:31,525 --> 00:06:33,494 -Eh. -I like it. 150 00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:35,663 (chuckling) 151 00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:38,899 * 152 00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:41,735 WOMAN: After seeing three other doctors, 153 00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:43,637 only Dr. Ballinger 154 00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:46,507 was able to make me pain-free again. 155 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:49,376 Dr. Ballinger is a miracle worker. 156 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,078 * 157 00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:55,716 Thank you. 158 00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,720 (groans) 159 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,755 (clears throat) 160 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:07,027 What are you in for? 161 00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:10,363 Eh, wear and tear. 162 00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:12,566 I don't got a good story. 163 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,901 Same. 164 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,537 When did your hands start to go bad? 165 00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,271 When I was about, uh, 166 00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:19,707 78, 79. 167 00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,742 Not too long ago. 168 00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:26,079 SAM: So, wh-what should we do? (exhales) 169 00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,248 Oh, man. I'm-I'm... 170 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,518 I think I'm a little emotional. 171 00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:33,754 It took me six months to get this appointment. (sniffles) 172 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,355 Why'd you wait so long? 173 00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:36,624 Because you... 174 00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:41,128 Anyway, I'm here now, so... 175 00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,063 I will do whatever it takes. 176 00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:44,898 I know you're the miracle worker. 177 00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:46,466 Whatever you want to do-- 178 00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:48,001 P.T., O.T., 179 00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:49,436 supplements, steroids. 180 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,438 Well, 181 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:54,742 this side is mild to moderate, 182 00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:58,178 and this is moderate to severe. 183 00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:00,814 (sniffles) Mm. 184 00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:04,685 Your hands are much older than you are. 185 00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,587 Oh. 186 00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:09,657 -May I touch you? -Yeah. 187 00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:11,659 This hurt? 188 00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:13,126 Ow. Yeah. 189 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,995 Mm. 190 00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:16,429 How about this? 191 00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:19,299 (whistles, squeaks) Yeah. 192 00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:23,571 Mm-hmm. Yup. 193 00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:25,773 Your muscles have atrophied. 194 00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:30,578 Jesus. Well, what about physical therapy? 195 00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:32,780 Won't help. Listen, I'm a surgeon. 196 00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:34,848 I would love to go in there and cut, 197 00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,651 but your hand could wind up like this. 198 00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:39,452 Well, what about all the patient testimonials 199 00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:41,188 in the waiting room? 200 00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:43,957 How am I supposed to function without opposable thumbs? 201 00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:46,326 I'm sorry, Sam. The technology just isn't here 202 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:47,628 for what you've got, yet. 203 00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:50,297 You are a lot younger than your hands. 204 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:53,000 Jesus. 205 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:56,870 That's the first time in forever anyone ever said I was young. 206 00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:59,640 This blows dead donkey dicks. 207 00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,474 Well, you don't need hands for that. 208 00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:04,044 -(chuckles) -(fake chuckles) 209 00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:06,614 It's true. 210 00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,149 (phone vibrates) 211 00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:10,150 (sighs) 212 00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,484 SAM: Yello? 213 00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:13,353 JESSICA: Sam, quick thought. 214 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,989 I spoke with my producers, and we want to move you up. 215 00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:18,158 SAM: Oh, wow. Really? 216 00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:20,861 JESSICA: Yeah, you know, I can't stop thinking about you, and then 217 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:23,530 I started thinking about me. I just got tired of being 218 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,165 some gun for hire, you know? 219 00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:28,902 I mean, fuck, I'm gonna be 30 in, like, five minutes. 220 00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:30,203 Yeah. 221 00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:31,972 You need to prepare yourself, Sam. 222 00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:34,808 You're gonna wake up and be 50, and then what are you gonna do? 223 00:09:34,842 --> 00:09:36,209 Well, 224 00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:39,713 I hadn't actually thought about that. 225 00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:42,650 I mean, you need to have something of your own, right? 226 00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,652 Because if we don't come up with it, 227 00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:46,654 then nobody else is gonna goddamn do it. 228 00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,021 Yeah. 229 00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:49,657 Fuck, yeah. 230 00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:51,191 And I'm aware of the irony here, 231 00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:52,525 that technically you're my hired gun. 232 00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:53,894 That's okay. 233 00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,428 I'm okay with irony. 234 00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:58,331 But I really want you to make this your own thing. 235 00:09:58,365 --> 00:09:59,933 I think you are brilliant, 236 00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:02,035 and I want that Sam Fox brilliant brain 237 00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:04,104 splattered all over my show. 238 00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,439 Wow. That is cool. 239 00:10:06,473 --> 00:10:08,709 Hey, can you say that shit 240 00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:11,378 about how brilliant you think I am to my daughters? 241 00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,881 See? Fucking hilarious! 242 00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:15,949 I am so excited. 243 00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:17,785 I discovered you. I want everybody to know 244 00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:19,386 that you never existed before this moment. 245 00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:20,788 It's gonna be amazing. 246 00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,723 Think of some ideas, and then we'll chat. 247 00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:26,159 I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am about this. 248 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,802 (owl hooting) 249 00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,371 (soft rustling) 250 00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:45,913 (birds singing) 251 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,482 (groans softly) 252 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,157 (gasps) 253 00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:59,026 Whoa. 254 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,561 (owl squeals) 255 00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:03,563 O... kay. 256 00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:08,001 (quietly): Okay, boy. Okay, boy. 257 00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:11,304 (louder): Okay, boy. 258 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:14,775 Get somebody to... 259 00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:16,176 -(door closes) -(owl squeaks) 260 00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,645 Is it gone? 261 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:21,181 -Nope. -MAX: Why isn't it leaving? 262 00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:24,051 It's probably just scared. 263 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:29,256 Maybe it got a letter from Hogwarts. Heh! 264 00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:32,359 Mom, this is serious. An owl in the house is bad luck. 265 00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:34,928 (spits) Don't say that! 266 00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:37,697 So, owls have traditionally been seen as a harbinger of death, 267 00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:41,201 but they can also be a sign of change and fertility. 268 00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,870 So which is it? 269 00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:45,906 We should take the snake out. 270 00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:48,475 -Owls eat snakes, shit licker. -Not baby ones. 271 00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:49,810 Oh, so you want 272 00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:51,711 -to murder a baby owl? -SAM: Nuh-uh. 273 00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:53,113 That ain't no baby owl. 274 00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:54,948 No, I just want to s... scare it off. 275 00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:56,583 You want me to go get my dad? 276 00:11:56,616 --> 00:11:59,119 I'm gonna go get my dad. 277 00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:01,121 (Sam scoffs) 278 00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:14,101 Did she just go in there? 279 00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:18,038 Uh... 280 00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:23,043 Why do you have "penis" on the wall? 281 00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:25,412 BOTH: We have a lot of penises on the wall. 282 00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:29,850 We should really... 283 00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,152 take the penises off the wall. 284 00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:34,554 It's not good with company, you know? 285 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:37,557 Hi. I'm Duke. 286 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,226 (owl squeaks) 287 00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:48,068 (owl squeaking) 288 00:12:49,302 --> 00:12:51,771 I promise I'll be careful 289 00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:55,708 if you promise not to peck my eyes out. 290 00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:58,979 * I didn't want to * 291 00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:02,883 * Get home yesterday * 292 00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:06,719 -* But all my friends did * -(owl squeaks) 293 00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:09,456 * So I did it anyway... * 294 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:12,592 Take the penises off the wall. 295 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:15,562 * In the mirror... * 296 00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:16,897 Oh! 297 00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:19,066 (gasps) 298 00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:21,902 -Wow. -Whoa. 299 00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:23,403 Cool. 300 00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,738 Gosh, look at its little beak. 301 00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:27,941 (gasps) Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah. 302 00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,642 -What? -You don't touch it. 303 00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:32,045 With the finger oil, his mother may kill him 304 00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:34,081 or not come back or something. 305 00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:35,815 Actually, Mom, that's a myth. 306 00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:37,817 You just want to be careful, you don't want to hurt it. 307 00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:39,319 Mm. 308 00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:43,090 * Tomorrow someone will... * 309 00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,926 (gasps) Oh, my God. 310 00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:48,128 SAM: Be careful. So soft. 311 00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,963 * Tomorrow someone... * 312 00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,698 All right, little guy, 313 00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:54,935 we got to get you back where you belong. 314 00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:57,670 Okay, I got to, like, call... 315 00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:59,306 Animal Control or something. 316 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,740 We should name it first. 317 00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:03,843 -What should we name it? -What's his name? Edwin. 318 00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:05,245 -Edwin. -Oh, my God. It's perfect. 319 00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:07,347 Edwin. Oh, my God. 320 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:09,649 Edwin, oh, my God. Edwin, Edwin, Edwin. 321 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,985 -The softest thing in the world. -Okay, let's get him 322 00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:13,420 -to... because... -Be careful. Be careful. 323 00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:14,821 -Be careful. Be careful. -I got it. 324 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,189 -Oh, my God. -You're like his mommy. 325 00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:17,757 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 326 00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:22,162 (chuckles) Hi, José. 327 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,830 Hey. Hi, Sam. 328 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,198 Hi. 329 00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:27,200 Everything okay? 330 00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,269 SAM: Uh, yeah, yeah. 331 00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:30,803 The pets are fine. 332 00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:32,705 It's just that I had them take away the girls. 333 00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:34,107 Couldn't housebreak 'em. 334 00:14:34,141 --> 00:14:35,508 (both chuckle) 335 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,310 -Uh, Reinita's behaving herself? -Oh, yeah. 336 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:38,979 She's the best. I'm keeping her. 337 00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:41,381 Ah. She made a list for me the other day. 338 00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:45,018 All the colleges she wants to go to-- all out of state. 339 00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:47,054 -Whoa. -And she said, "Papi, if I get 340 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:48,521 into these schools, can you help pay for them?" 341 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:49,923 What can I say to that? 342 00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,358 I want to give her everything, you know? 343 00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:53,160 -Yeah, she's a really great kid. -(sighs) 344 00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:55,695 Yeah. Between that and her quinceañera next month, 345 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,698 my wife thinks we should move to Phoenix to save money. 346 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,767 -Really? -Yeah. What am I supposed to do for work? 347 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,902 -Nothing grows there. -(sighs) 348 00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:05,905 You know, maybe we should team up. 349 00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:08,008 What do you mean? 350 00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:10,443 Frankie was talking about doing one of those... 351 00:15:10,477 --> 00:15:12,379 -A quinceañera? -Yeah. 352 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,846 But a-aren't you guys Jewish? 353 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,682 -Mm. -I mean, even though I do 354 00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:17,317 bring you a Christmas tree every Hanukkah. 355 00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:19,052 -Yeah. Heh! -(laughs) 356 00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:22,322 No, I mean, is that weird? Is that bad? 357 00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:25,558 They're a lot of fun. She should. 358 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,527 Hey, have you seen your new trees? 359 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,397 Grapefruit, Meyer lemon and kumquat. 360 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,332 -You like the pots? -They're so gorgeous! 361 00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,534 -Yeah? -Thank you, José. I love it. 362 00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,269 -(laughs) Of course. -PHYLLIS: José? 363 00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:37,570 I'm so glad you haven't left. 364 00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,539 -Oh, hi. -It seems 365 00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:42,042 you've pruned the wrong branches on my plum tree. 366 00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,743 -¿Qué? -Mm? 367 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,678 -I'm pretty sure I didn't. -(chuckles) Afraid you did. 368 00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:47,114 Okay. I'll go check it out then. 369 00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:48,548 -No, no, no, no. -PHYLLIS: What? 370 00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:49,649 -What are you doing? -What? 371 00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:51,051 -It's not your day. -I know that, 372 00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:53,453 but he likes my latkes. Come along, José. 373 00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,388 -No. (scoffs) -She made it a little weird. 374 00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:57,057 -(José chuckles) -Oh, my God! 375 00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:59,259 That's so rude. 376 00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,061 -(quietly): Sam, I got it. -He won't be long. 377 00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,429 -SAM: Ugh. -I'm coming, Phil. 378 00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:03,596 -Phil! -PHYLLIS: Good, good. 379 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,066 -Be nice! -I will! 380 00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:08,401 (scoffs) 381 00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:09,802 Is this the Meyer lemon? 382 00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:12,372 (sniffs) Oh, I love it. 383 00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:17,977 Mom! Mom! 384 00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:21,114 Mom, can Pepper start the El Camino? 385 00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:22,582 Just-just start it. 386 00:16:22,615 --> 00:16:25,085 SAM: Oh, God. Geez! 387 00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,919 Say yes, Sam! 388 00:16:26,953 --> 00:16:28,255 SAM: Oh, God. 389 00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:29,756 Just don't tell your mom! 390 00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:32,292 -Oh, my God! -I know! 391 00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,061 (both giggling) 392 00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:35,695 Go, go! 393 00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,299 Your chariot, miss. 394 00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,369 -Oh, thank you kindly. -(chuckles) 395 00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:46,973 (screaming) 396 00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:54,914 (laughing) 397 00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:57,050 (continues screaming) 398 00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:01,221 What happened? What happened? 399 00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,256 What happened? 400 00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:04,657 Oh, okay. 401 00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,626 Let me see. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! 402 00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:08,628 Raise your hand in the air. 403 00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:10,997 I got you. I got you. It's okay. 404 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,900 Okay. It's okay, sweetie. It's okay. 405 00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,202 Let me just wrap it up. 406 00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:17,337 -(laughing) -What is wrong with you?! 407 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,805 I'm sorry, I can't help it. 408 00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:20,507 -Get a towel! -(continues laughing) 409 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,242 -(sobbing): Is it bad? -It's okay, baby. No. 410 00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:23,910 -Honey, honey, just calm down. -Ow! Ow! 411 00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:26,613 Lay your head back. Lay your head back. Yeah. 412 00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,281 You just cut it a little bit, sweetie. 413 00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:29,882 Yes. It's okay. 414 00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:32,219 -It's okay. -Mom, is it "qualm with" 415 00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:34,387 or "qualm about"? Mom! 416 00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:37,890 -SAM: Frankie, call Pepper's mom! -(Pepper sobbing) 417 00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:41,161 -It's okay, honey. -FRANKIE: Mom, Chewy's got something. 418 00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:43,029 Chewy, release! 419 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,831 -What is that? Come here, come here. -(Duke laughing) 420 00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:46,733 Duke, Duke, where are the keys? 421 00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:48,801 -Duke, where are the keys?! -I don't know. 422 00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:50,270 Looks like a worm or something. 423 00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:52,605 -Duke. -Pepper has them. 424 00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:54,307 -SAM: Okay. Okay. -He swallowed it. 425 00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:56,075 Oh. Oh, God. 426 00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:57,644 Oh, shit. 427 00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:58,678 Oh, Jesus. 428 00:17:58,711 --> 00:18:00,147 It's okay. That's fine. 429 00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:02,014 That's fine. No, no, no, no, no. 430 00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:03,850 Don't look at that. Don't look at... Pepper? 431 00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:05,252 Pepper! Okay. 432 00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:06,786 Frankie! 433 00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:09,722 Good boy. What a good poop. 434 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,191 Yes, a good poop. 435 00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:12,692 Good boy. Who made a good poop? 436 00:18:12,725 --> 00:18:14,761 -Mom, where's my black dress? -SAM: What? 437 00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,929 -Like, with the neck. -Check your closet. 438 00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:18,998 No, it's not there, and I have to go to work. 439 00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:20,733 Well, I'm sorry. I'm kind of busy 440 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,270 'cause I have to sift through Chewy's shit right now, 441 00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:24,537 so maybe you can look yourself? 442 00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,773 -Ew, Mom. That's disgusting. -FRANKIE: Yeah, 443 00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:28,875 -and she's probably gonna have to put him down, too. -What?! 444 00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:30,910 -Frankie! -He tasted human flesh. 445 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,179 Mom, you can't kill Chewy. 446 00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:33,380 -Nobody's killing Chewy. -MAX: Mom, 447 00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:35,715 -I'm gonna be late. -So wear something else. 448 00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:38,218 I can't wear something else 'cause I have my period. 449 00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:40,320 Max, can you just check the laundry room 450 00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:42,222 because, I'm sorry, full disclosure, 451 00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:44,257 I forgot to put the load in last night. 452 00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:46,259 -Sorry. -Mom, the laundry? 453 00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:48,395 And, Duke, no one's killing anyone. 454 00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,430 -Promise? -SAM: Yes, I promise. 455 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,432 Chewy's gonna be around for a long time. 456 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:55,268 Unless that coyote comes back, you know. 457 00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:56,636 MAX: You know, Mom, if you don't 458 00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:58,205 do the laundry and we think you are, 459 00:18:58,238 --> 00:18:59,806 it's kind of messed up. 460 00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:00,973 I was counting on that to be clean. 461 00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:03,576 (mockingly): So sorry. 462 00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:05,445 Oh, my God. 463 00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:07,580 I didn't check the laundry. 464 00:19:11,784 --> 00:19:13,320 (Max sighs) 465 00:19:13,353 --> 00:19:14,921 Mom, get out. 466 00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:17,490 Oh, my God. Nothing fits. I'm so bloated. 467 00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:20,260 I'm sorry that you feel bad, 468 00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:23,263 but you have to learn to rein this shit in, okay? 469 00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:26,933 I never took my period out on anybody the way that you do. 470 00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,268 Oh, mm, sorry, Mom. 471 00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:29,836 Maybe I should just go, like, lay down in my trailer, 472 00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,438 -right? -What? 473 00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:33,105 This is actual work, 474 00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:34,974 Mom. I have to be on my feet all night. 475 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,243 It's not like some movie set. 476 00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:38,711 Max, I know you're a little stressed out 477 00:19:38,745 --> 00:19:41,348 and this is your first job, but that doesn't mean 478 00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:44,217 you get to be super shitty to me whenever you want. 479 00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:46,786 Mom, I'm not being super shitty. You're so dramatic. 480 00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:49,055 I can't believe I still have to put up with this bullshit. 481 00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,124 You realize you live here rent-free, right? 482 00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,794 -You do realize that? -Oh, you want me to go? 483 00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:57,464 -I'll go. I am fucking gone. -Good. 484 00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:58,698 The second I save up some money. 485 00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:00,600 You have a paycheck. What's stopping you? 486 00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:01,968 You think I won't? 487 00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:03,303 Goodbye. Good. 488 00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:05,538 -Your dirty dress is in the laundry room. -My dad 489 00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:06,973 said I can live with him whenever I want. 490 00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:09,376 Oh, that old chestnut. Perfect. 491 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:12,312 -That's great. Go, go. Great. -Great. 492 00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:15,815 -Great. Great. -Great. Great. 493 00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:18,084 You know what would be great, Max? 494 00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:19,819 If you helped me. 495 00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:22,522 It would be great if you helped me. 496 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,657 If you cleaned up after yourself, 497 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,158 that would be great. 498 00:20:26,192 --> 00:20:28,361 If you helped me with your sisters, 499 00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:29,962 that would be great. 500 00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:31,331 Kids aren't supposed to help their mom. 501 00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:33,199 Their mom is supposed to help them. 502 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,502 Oh, is that the law? I didn't realize 503 00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:37,970 that I was breaking, like, the mommy law. 504 00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:40,172 Yeah. And great job you're doing, by the way, Mom. 505 00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:42,375 You know, Frankie basically does whatever the fuck she wants, 506 00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:45,312 and I-I'm probably gonna be fired now, so... 507 00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:48,014 Oh, yeah. I'm bad. That's bad. 508 00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:51,618 -I'm a bad mommy. -No, you're a disaster, Mom. 509 00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:54,387 And you don't always have to be so hard 510 00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:57,156 just 'cause you don't know what it's like to be a woman anymore. 511 00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:01,861 You cunt. 512 00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:05,398 What? 513 00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:07,934 You're a cunt, Max. 514 00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:10,236 -I'm a cunt? -Yep. 515 00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,638 You're a cunt. 516 00:21:11,671 --> 00:21:13,740 You're a cunt. 517 00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:16,709 No, Max. You're a cunt. 518 00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:18,778 No, you're a cunt, Mom. 519 00:21:18,811 --> 00:21:20,747 No, you're a cunt, Max. 520 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,248 No, you're a fucking cunt, Mom. 521 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,951 -You're a fucking cunt, Max. -No, you're a fucking cunt, Mom. 522 00:21:24,984 --> 00:21:26,853 You're a fucking cunt, Max. 523 00:21:26,886 --> 00:21:29,288 You're a big fucking cunt, Mom. 524 00:21:29,322 --> 00:21:30,857 You're a big fucking cunt, 525 00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:32,759 your sister's an asshole, 526 00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:35,027 and your other sister's great! 527 00:21:35,061 --> 00:21:36,396 DUKE: Aw, thanks, Mom! 528 00:21:36,429 --> 00:21:38,331 Love you, Mom! 529 00:21:40,232 --> 00:21:42,769 (breathing heavily) 530 00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:44,170 (chuckles softly) 531 00:21:45,438 --> 00:21:47,440 (laughing) 532 00:21:49,275 --> 00:21:51,344 (laughing) 533 00:21:53,546 --> 00:21:55,715 Oh, my God. 534 00:21:55,748 --> 00:21:57,784 (sniffles, chuckles) 535 00:21:57,817 --> 00:21:59,486 (chuckles) 536 00:21:59,519 --> 00:22:01,253 I'm sorry. 537 00:22:01,287 --> 00:22:02,755 (chuckles): No. 538 00:22:02,789 --> 00:22:04,491 -I am a cunt. -No. 539 00:22:04,524 --> 00:22:06,593 I'm a cunt. 540 00:22:06,626 --> 00:22:07,927 No, you're not. 541 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,029 You're the best. 542 00:22:10,062 --> 00:22:12,432 And I am such a cunt. 543 00:22:12,465 --> 00:22:14,133 Well... 544 00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:15,502 (chuckles) 545 00:22:15,535 --> 00:22:17,336 (exhales) 546 00:22:17,370 --> 00:22:19,439 My Uncle Sid called me a cunt. 547 00:22:19,472 --> 00:22:20,940 I was nine. 548 00:22:20,973 --> 00:22:23,109 Uncle Sid? 549 00:22:23,142 --> 00:22:25,111 He's dead now. 550 00:22:25,144 --> 00:22:27,647 Fuck you, Uncle Sid. 551 00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:35,154 Aw. 552 00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:37,156 I love you. 553 00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,258 MAX: And I love you. 554 00:22:39,291 --> 00:22:41,894 I don't want you to move out. 555 00:22:43,996 --> 00:22:45,532 But I do. 556 00:22:47,099 --> 00:22:48,668 So you shouldn't. 557 00:22:48,701 --> 00:22:51,237 But please move out soon. 558 00:22:51,270 --> 00:22:53,473 But don't. 559 00:22:54,507 --> 00:22:56,342 Oh, wow. 560 00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:58,210 What? 561 00:22:58,244 --> 00:22:59,779 I just realized 562 00:22:59,812 --> 00:23:01,981 you're gonna have to go through this three times. 563 00:23:02,014 --> 00:23:03,983 Oh, Jesus Christ. 564 00:23:04,016 --> 00:23:07,186 * One down * 565 00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:10,457 * How many to go? * 566 00:23:10,490 --> 00:23:14,026 * Two down * 567 00:23:14,060 --> 00:23:17,063 * How many till I know? * 568 00:23:18,498 --> 00:23:22,502 * How much can one heart take? * 569 00:23:25,071 --> 00:23:29,075 * How many times can one heart break? * 570 00:23:31,077 --> 00:23:33,079 * One down * 571 00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:39,185 * Stay in love forevermore. * 572 00:23:51,230 --> 00:23:53,199 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 573 00:23:55,234 --> 00:23:56,536 -Mom. -Yes? 574 00:23:56,569 --> 00:23:58,938 -Okay. I want a big party this year. -Serious? 575 00:23:58,971 --> 00:24:01,207 -I want a quinceañera. -Quinceañera? 576 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:03,743 We can't do that. We're too white for that. We're not allowed. 577 00:24:13,853 --> 00:24:15,121 -(screeches) -(grunts) 578 00:24:15,154 --> 00:24:17,256 -(farting) -(groans) 579 00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:18,257 Ow. 580 00:24:22,261 --> 00:24:23,763 Aren't you Lil Dicky? 581 00:24:23,796 --> 00:24:25,565 * Yes, I know That I'm a rapper * 582 00:24:25,598 --> 00:24:27,399 -* At the end of the day * -(gasping) 583 00:24:27,433 --> 00:24:30,970 * But I think It's time you knew me By my government name * 584 00:24:31,003 --> 00:24:33,239 -* Hi, I'm Dave * -ANNOUNCER: Dave. 585 00:24:33,272 --> 00:24:35,041 All-new Wednesday at 10:00 on FXX. 586 00:24:35,074 --> 00:24:36,075 And next day, FX on Hulu. 587 00:24:38,344 --> 00:24:39,478 What is Devs? 588 00:24:40,813 --> 00:24:41,814 What is Devs? 589 00:24:41,848 --> 00:24:43,182 What is Devs? 590 00:24:44,450 --> 00:24:45,451 (screams) 591 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:57,363 Looks like one of my codpieces. 592 00:24:57,396 --> 00:24:59,766 -Except not as big. -(chuckling) 593 00:24:59,799 --> 00:25:02,602 What are you waiting for? Take your instrument, use my body 594 00:25:02,635 --> 00:25:04,804 and perform your special blood ritual. 595 00:25:04,837 --> 00:25:07,339 (laughing) Kyle. 596 00:25:07,373 --> 00:25:10,376 (up-tempo folk music) 597 00:25:13,145 --> 00:25:14,180 VOCALIST: Hey! 40282

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