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1
00:02:24,460 --> 00:02:28,263
Well, this is pretty much
the grossest thing I've ever seen.
2
00:02:31,567 --> 00:02:33,635
No, ma'am. It's actually
a lot better than that.
3
00:02:33,735 --> 00:02:36,939
Let me... let me pull something up
on my computer really fast.
4
00:02:37,039 --> 00:02:38,772
Oh, there it is.
5
00:02:39,021 --> 00:02:42,524
Did you know that nine
out of ten doctors recommend this
6
00:02:42,623 --> 00:02:44,781
as the only way to quit smoking?
7
00:02:45,180 --> 00:02:49,953
Can you hold on a second? Fuck you!
Fuck! Fuck you. Fuck you, fucker.
8
00:02:50,052 --> 00:02:51,788
- Hey, Tim.
- Oh, hey, Evan.
9
00:02:51,888 --> 00:02:54,758
Have you guys put together the numbers
for Friday's presentation yet?
10
00:02:54,858 --> 00:02:58,260
- What presentation?
- Phallusite. Phallusite presentation.
11
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,896
Phallusite... is that
the bigger dick thing pill...
12
00:03:00,997 --> 00:03:02,945
Natural male enhancement, yeah.
13
00:03:03,045 --> 00:03:05,367
- Right. Does that thing even work?
- It totally works.
14
00:03:05,467 --> 00:03:07,804
- I heard it turns your junk green.
- It still works.
15
00:03:08,103 --> 00:03:10,473
Doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter if it works.
16
00:03:10,573 --> 00:03:13,075
All that matters is that we land
the account, all right?
17
00:03:13,175 --> 00:03:17,112
And then I can remove "acting"
from acting sales manager.
18
00:03:17,413 --> 00:03:20,281
- I'm on it, man. You can count on me.
- Thank you.
19
00:03:22,418 --> 00:03:25,353
Pick it up. Pick up the gun.
20
00:03:26,454 --> 00:03:28,223
- They never...
- Tim.
21
00:03:28,324 --> 00:03:30,643
- Tim.
- I'm on a sales call.
22
00:03:31,033 --> 00:03:33,396
Ma'am, listen, if you're not
gonna buy this, I'm gonna...
23
00:03:33,496 --> 00:03:35,131
- You're gonna die.
- Shit!
24
00:03:35,230 --> 00:03:39,134
- Boo! Tagged your ass, pussy.
- You, too? Mike, get to work.
25
00:03:39,235 --> 00:03:42,096
- You owe me 50 bucks.
- Shit!
26
00:03:44,173 --> 00:03:46,640
Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks?
27
00:03:49,844 --> 00:03:52,449
Hey, Evan. Sorry to be a nudge,
but you wouldn't happen to have
28
00:03:52,549 --> 00:03:55,317
that $20 you owe me for the NCAA
tournament pool, would you?
29
00:03:55,418 --> 00:03:57,037
Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry.
30
00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:59,322
It's been such a bear
collecting from people.
31
00:03:59,421 --> 00:04:03,360
Kinda short on cash this month. My cat
has a cleft palate he needs surgery for.
32
00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:07,929
He's constantly lapping milk
into his eyes. It's really tragic.
33
00:04:11,332 --> 00:04:13,764
Hey, bada-bada-bada...
34
00:04:13,865 --> 00:04:17,721
- That's baseball, dumb ass.
- I'm sorry. Did I fuck up the rules
35
00:04:17,822 --> 00:04:20,939
of this well-defined and professional
sport that we just came up with?
36
00:04:21,038 --> 00:04:25,048
Yeah, I'm just saying that this
is clearly a basketball throw.
37
00:04:25,148 --> 00:04:27,483
Okay, but I'm sure someone
has thrown a baseball like that...
38
00:04:27,584 --> 00:04:28,785
Yeah, nobody has ever thrown a baseball.
39
00:04:28,884 --> 00:04:30,552
- In the history of baseball...
- No adult male has.
40
00:04:30,653 --> 00:04:33,653
In the history of baseball,
major league baseball...
41
00:04:34,923 --> 00:04:36,725
- Can I help you?
- Yes, thank you, actually.
42
00:04:36,826 --> 00:04:40,596
I'm supposed to be working
with Evan Sanders today.
43
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,033
- Yeah, he comes in at 9:30.
- It's 10:45.
44
00:04:43,132 --> 00:04:46,468
- Look, you can actually see it vibrate.
- Because there's more than one element.
45
00:04:46,569 --> 00:04:48,737
So is Evan here
or should I grab a cubicle...
46
00:04:48,838 --> 00:04:51,875
You'll know when he gets here, okay?
He'll start bugging you for shit.
47
00:04:51,975 --> 00:04:55,060
Now, if you need something to do,
you can get me coffee.
48
00:04:55,161 --> 00:04:58,314
- Aren't you already drinking...
- Hey, sport. You see that garbage over there?
49
00:04:58,415 --> 00:05:02,285
Why don't you grab it and throw it
in the dumpster in the garage.
50
00:05:02,384 --> 00:05:05,946
- Don't we have a janitor who can do that?
- Yeah, well, his time's valuable.
51
00:05:06,545 --> 00:05:08,434
- Goodbye!
- All right.
52
00:05:08,533 --> 00:05:11,004
Bye!
53
00:05:12,461 --> 00:05:14,595
Don't waste those.
54
00:05:14,997 --> 00:05:17,617
- Five-five. This is it.
- That's the one.
55
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:20,910
- This is the one. I can feel it.
- All right. All right.
56
00:05:23,906 --> 00:05:25,238
Yes!
57
00:05:52,887 --> 00:05:54,603
Identify yourself, soldier.
58
00:05:55,504 --> 00:05:58,408
I'm Jack, the new intern.
59
00:05:58,908 --> 00:06:00,209
I'm just taking out the trash.
60
00:06:00,310 --> 00:06:03,129
- Don't we have a janitor for that?
- You do.
61
00:06:03,228 --> 00:06:05,495
- Jerry.
- Frank.
62
00:06:06,648 --> 00:06:08,882
Follow protocol.
63
00:06:10,819 --> 00:06:12,920
It's my first day.
64
00:06:16,024 --> 00:06:18,268
Thanks for pitching in.
65
00:06:48,524 --> 00:06:50,547
- Screws up his equilibrium.
- What's up, dildos?
66
00:06:50,646 --> 00:06:54,098
Hey there, Andrew.
Sorry to be a Pokety Paul, but...
67
00:06:54,199 --> 00:06:57,199
you wouldn't happen to have that money
you owe me for the NCAA pool, do you?
68
00:06:57,300 --> 00:07:01,529
- Didn't I lose that thing?
- It's not about that. It's about office fun.
69
00:07:01,629 --> 00:07:05,007
My cat's got a cleft palate,
is allergic to some types of air.
70
00:07:05,108 --> 00:07:06,375
- Hey, Mike.
- Fuck off!
71
00:07:06,475 --> 00:07:09,012
All right. A little early
for that kind of language,
72
00:07:09,112 --> 00:07:11,281
but tomorrow works for me too, buddy.
73
00:07:11,380 --> 00:07:13,283
- All right, well, see you.
- See you, Dave.
74
00:07:14,083 --> 00:07:17,887
Real nice, guys. No one pays Dave,
he's gonna stop running the pools.
75
00:07:17,987 --> 00:07:21,858
No, he's not. It's the only way
anyone ever talks to the guy.
76
00:07:21,957 --> 00:07:25,795
Tim... I thought you were working
on the Phallusite presentation.
77
00:07:25,894 --> 00:07:27,980
What's Phallusite?
78
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:30,966
You kidding me?
Have you guys done any work today?
79
00:07:31,067 --> 00:07:32,713
No.
80
00:07:33,784 --> 00:07:36,021
- Hey, boys.
- Hey!
81
00:07:36,221 --> 00:07:39,959
Damn! For head of HR,
you look fucking sexy.
82
00:07:40,058 --> 00:07:42,028
Too kind, too kind.
83
00:07:42,127 --> 00:07:45,846
- Mandy, can we please talk?
- Don't call me Mandy.
84
00:07:48,750 --> 00:07:51,353
Andrew, how was your weekend?
85
00:07:51,452 --> 00:07:54,858
- It was good. I banged my neighbor.
- Finally. All right!
86
00:07:54,957 --> 00:07:57,125
Wait, you're talking about
the hot Ukrainian chick?
87
00:07:57,225 --> 00:07:58,494
It was actually her mom.
88
00:07:58,593 --> 00:08:01,396
- That's decent. Proud of you.
- Mandy.
89
00:08:01,497 --> 00:08:04,766
Please, can we talk privately?
Just somewhere else.
90
00:08:04,867 --> 00:08:08,004
Why? This is a corporate break room.
91
00:08:08,103 --> 00:08:10,639
Since we just have
a business relationship,
92
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:13,776
then... whatever it is
that you need to say to me,
93
00:08:13,875 --> 00:08:18,887
you can say in front of all of our
business associates. Right?
94
00:08:19,848 --> 00:08:23,452
Okay, fine. All right.
Look, what happened... What I...
95
00:08:23,552 --> 00:08:26,156
I should have said, okay, is that...
96
00:08:26,255 --> 00:08:30,122
Hey, congratulations on that NCAA pool.
97
00:08:30,660 --> 00:08:34,961
Yeah, thanks. You know, I actually
hate Duke, but they win, so...
98
00:08:39,067 --> 00:08:40,902
Well...
99
00:08:42,604 --> 00:08:45,073
You guys have a great day.
100
00:08:45,474 --> 00:08:48,644
Except for you.
Hope yours is a horrible piece of shit.
101
00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:52,745
- Well, not if yours isn't first.
- Right.
102
00:08:53,648 --> 00:08:57,225
Hey, I don't want to overstep
my bounds, but what the fuck?
103
00:08:57,325 --> 00:08:59,755
- Jesus!
- I don't want to talk about it.
104
00:08:59,855 --> 00:09:02,908
Okay, that was just really
uncomfortable, that was like...
105
00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:06,159
I will. I know the story.
I'll totally talk about it.
106
00:09:09,563 --> 00:09:12,466
So, they're together.
Just the two of them, right?
107
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:17,238
Evan.
108
00:09:18,774 --> 00:09:20,807
I love you.
109
00:09:22,376 --> 00:09:24,311
No.
110
00:09:29,784 --> 00:09:32,335
How could you just say no?
111
00:09:32,434 --> 00:09:35,591
You could have said anything else,
like literally anything.
112
00:09:35,692 --> 00:09:41,331
I can't even wrap my brain
around the way, like, you would say no.
113
00:09:41,431 --> 00:09:43,365
Fire! This could have been the one time
114
00:09:43,466 --> 00:09:45,100
- you could have said fire.
- No.
115
00:09:45,201 --> 00:09:47,202
You could've called her a bitch,
and that would have been better.
116
00:09:47,302 --> 00:09:49,192
- Just silence, just...
- No.
117
00:09:49,292 --> 00:09:52,590
You could have spoken in tongues.
You could have...
118
00:09:54,443 --> 00:09:56,645
- Not even English. German!
- Nein.
119
00:09:56,745 --> 00:09:59,448
I get it, okay. I get it. I understand.
120
00:09:59,548 --> 00:10:02,719
Yes, I screwed up.
I understand that, okay?
121
00:10:02,818 --> 00:10:06,422
It just kind of came out, guys.
I don't know what happened.
122
00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:08,224
I just screwed up.
123
00:10:08,323 --> 00:10:12,586
You did screw up, man.
She is the coolest girl ever.
124
00:10:13,495 --> 00:10:16,231
I mean, remember when she kicked
all of our asses at paintball?
125
00:10:16,331 --> 00:10:19,568
- Why did she have all that camo on her face?
- Unreal.
126
00:10:19,668 --> 00:10:22,270
Honestly, I bet dating her
is like dating a guy.
127
00:10:22,370 --> 00:10:27,407
Who is like a hot chick
that has a... you know, like a penis.
128
00:10:28,610 --> 00:10:29,879
So, not a girl?
129
00:10:30,917 --> 00:10:34,283
No, still a girl.
Did you not listen to what I just said?
130
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:37,248
- All right.
- No, it's a hot girl with a beautiful penis...
131
00:10:37,347 --> 00:10:40,722
but she's still... she's still a chick.
She just has guy parts.
132
00:10:40,822 --> 00:10:44,494
- I get where you're going.
- It's a feminine penis.
133
00:10:44,594 --> 00:10:46,828
What if it was a guy with a vagina?
134
00:10:46,928 --> 00:10:49,014
He makes a good point.
135
00:10:51,033 --> 00:10:52,869
- I'm an idiot.
- Yeah.
136
00:10:52,969 --> 00:10:54,539
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
137
00:10:54,639 --> 00:10:59,658
You know, you and me,
a couple of margaritas.
138
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:03,679
- That is so offensive.
- Why? That isn't racist.
139
00:11:03,779 --> 00:11:05,648
I know it's not racist.
I like margaritas.
140
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:08,849
I'm just offended
that you think I would date you.
141
00:11:10,153 --> 00:11:13,022
Has anyone seen Andrew? Andrew!
142
00:11:13,121 --> 00:11:17,744
Hey, Andrew, could you please get
your phone? It's ringing off the hook, man.
143
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:23,032
Probably one of my...
man-like 15 female suitors.
144
00:11:23,131 --> 00:11:27,202
- Your suitors are man-like?
- No, no, no. I mean, man-like man!
145
00:11:27,302 --> 00:11:31,474
Not man like man-like. You know,
man like man-like...
146
00:11:31,573 --> 00:11:34,822
Stop saying "man-like."
Could you get your phone?
147
00:11:34,923 --> 00:11:38,815
It's probably a sales call.
Probably a business-related sales call.
148
00:11:38,914 --> 00:11:43,351
I'll give you
the business-related later.
149
00:11:43,451 --> 00:11:45,754
I'll talk to him, okay?
150
00:11:46,359 --> 00:11:49,606
I heard what happened
with you and Amanda breaking up.
151
00:11:50,959 --> 00:11:52,014
Oh, you heard about that?
152
00:11:52,115 --> 00:11:56,764
Yeah, well, she's the head of HR,
and she put out a memo.
153
00:12:01,269 --> 00:12:03,173
- I...
- All right.
154
00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:05,707
Andrew, get the phone!
155
00:12:05,807 --> 00:12:09,011
- Evan. Can I bend your ear?
- Yeah. Hey.
156
00:12:09,111 --> 00:12:12,048
How's the presentation coming?
You're gonna be ready by Friday?
157
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:15,317
Yeah, Friday. Yeah, sure, Ted. Yeah.
158
00:12:15,418 --> 00:12:16,980
Yeah, we need this account, Evan.
159
00:12:17,081 --> 00:12:20,846
Sales have been bad,
but if we land this fish,
160
00:12:20,947 --> 00:12:23,392
- you'll save all our asses.
- Yeah.
161
00:12:23,491 --> 00:12:27,629
I know male enhancement isn't the most
glamorous product in the world but...
162
00:12:27,730 --> 00:12:31,200
No. My sources tell me
it works actually.
163
00:12:31,299 --> 00:12:34,870
Tell me if you need anything, 'cause
it's all hands on deck on this one.
164
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:36,405
Yeah.
165
00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:38,941
I'm making a pretty big
announcement today
166
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,543
about the next phase
of our company's future.
167
00:12:41,644 --> 00:12:46,009
I need to know you're gonna be
a team player, no matter what.
168
00:12:46,415 --> 00:12:50,953
- Yeah. Yeah, Ted. You can count on me.
- Okay.
169
00:12:51,553 --> 00:12:54,654
- My office, ten minutes.
- All right.
170
00:13:10,072 --> 00:13:14,509
Hey, guys. Guys, guess what? I think
Ted's gonna make me sales manager.
171
00:13:15,410 --> 00:13:17,813
Bam! Snap!
172
00:13:18,014 --> 00:13:19,113
What?
173
00:13:20,981 --> 00:13:24,953
Bam, snap. It's like,
a new catchphrase I'm trying.
174
00:13:25,354 --> 00:13:28,291
- Yeah, it's not really working.
- It's a work in progress.
175
00:13:28,691 --> 00:13:30,413
- I love it.
- Thank you, Mike.
176
00:13:30,513 --> 00:13:33,162
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- I'm still working on the inflection but...
177
00:13:33,261 --> 00:13:34,996
- Ted's office in 10.
- It's a catchphrase.
178
00:13:35,096 --> 00:13:38,334
- I feel like everyone needs one in the office.
- Yeah, it's good though.
179
00:13:38,433 --> 00:13:41,703
Yeah. We really need to start
bringing fruit into this.
180
00:13:41,803 --> 00:13:43,573
- We can eat it.
- I'm not ready for fruit.
181
00:13:48,778 --> 00:13:52,048
Hey, Amanda. Mandy. Amanda.
182
00:13:52,739 --> 00:13:57,219
Sorry. Sorry to bother you,
but Ted wants everyone in his office.
183
00:13:57,719 --> 00:14:00,655
He's got an announcement
to make, I guess.
184
00:14:00,755 --> 00:14:03,485
- Okay, got it.
- Okay.
185
00:14:04,926 --> 00:14:07,197
I think he's gonna make me
sales manager.
186
00:14:07,996 --> 00:14:12,099
- Is that so?
- Yeah. Finally get that promotion.
187
00:14:13,368 --> 00:14:18,441
It's kinda crazy. I can't believe it.
It is so adult. Manager, you know?
188
00:14:18,541 --> 00:14:23,934
I feel like it was just, you know,
yesterday when we were kids, just...
189
00:14:24,335 --> 00:14:27,917
laughing and just saying stupid stuff.
190
00:14:28,017 --> 00:14:33,254
And now, we're looking after the kids.
191
00:14:33,355 --> 00:14:36,459
Right? You know, I was listening
to NPR this morning.
192
00:14:36,558 --> 00:14:40,528
They were talking about
the monogamy of gibbons, and...
193
00:14:40,628 --> 00:14:44,149
it's just the cutest thing
I've ever seen. Or heard.
194
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:47,870
It was on the radio, but they had
these sound bites, you know?
195
00:14:48,669 --> 00:14:52,125
A little chirping, you know.
These sweet monkey nothings...
196
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,775
Evan, I have some things to do.
197
00:14:53,875 --> 00:14:57,474
- So if you'll excuse me.
- Yeah, I'm gonna... Okay.
198
00:14:57,573 --> 00:14:59,879
- Check in five.
- Right.
199
00:15:05,653 --> 00:15:07,100
So, I'm sorry to say...
200
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:11,259
without major improvements, we're gonna
have to start laying some people off.
201
00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:12,926
Mike!
202
00:15:13,727 --> 00:15:16,131
It's time for a change.
203
00:15:16,231 --> 00:15:21,636
Corporate thinks we need
an official sales manager again.
204
00:15:21,836 --> 00:15:23,806
And I couldn't agree more.
205
00:15:23,905 --> 00:15:27,743
So I'm proud to announce
our new manager of sales,
206
00:15:27,842 --> 00:15:29,923
Max Phillips.
207
00:15:31,846 --> 00:15:33,543
No, no, no. Not Max.
208
00:15:33,644 --> 00:15:35,918
Who the hell is Max?
What the hell is going on right now?
209
00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:39,371
Max, Evan and I went to college together.
It's kind of a long story.
210
00:15:39,471 --> 00:15:40,940
- Hey, Evan.
- Sup?
211
00:15:41,039 --> 00:15:43,676
- That wasn't a long story.
- No.
212
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:47,062
Did I mention that Max
slept with Evan's girlfriend,
213
00:15:47,163 --> 00:15:49,498
so Evan had Max kicked out
of school for cheating,
214
00:15:49,597 --> 00:15:53,702
- so Max punched Evan in the face?
- No. You skipped all that.
215
00:15:53,802 --> 00:15:55,668
Question...
216
00:15:56,138 --> 00:15:57,773
- What do we sell here?
- Shake weights.
217
00:15:57,873 --> 00:15:59,942
- Power mustaches.
- The Abinatrix.
218
00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:03,678
- No, Michael. We sell dreams.
- He knows my name.
219
00:16:03,778 --> 00:16:07,836
Sales is... seduction.
220
00:16:07,982 --> 00:16:10,552
And when you seduce,
221
00:16:10,653 --> 00:16:12,889
do you say, "I have a 401k"?
222
00:16:12,989 --> 00:16:15,923
Or "I floss"? No.
223
00:16:16,024 --> 00:16:17,658
You say...
224
00:16:19,626 --> 00:16:21,861
"I love you."
225
00:16:25,265 --> 00:16:27,602
Because people make decisions
from the heart.
226
00:16:27,702 --> 00:16:32,040
If you wanna sell a bunch of useless crap
to fat losers in Alabama
227
00:16:32,140 --> 00:16:37,113
and bored housewives in Iowa,
feed their dreams.
228
00:16:37,513 --> 00:16:39,380
Convince them.
229
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:44,220
Their lives can transcend
the pointless slog of being human.
230
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,456
Give them hope, open their eyes...
231
00:16:47,556 --> 00:16:49,596
to something...
232
00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:52,561
bigger.
233
00:16:52,661 --> 00:16:58,100
Sink your teeth
into their poor pathetic lives.
234
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,131
And give them life.
235
00:17:01,836 --> 00:17:03,870
And better abs.
236
00:17:04,874 --> 00:17:08,601
Our goal for this month is...
237
00:17:10,478 --> 00:17:12,748
one million dollars in sales.
238
00:17:12,847 --> 00:17:17,134
It's aggressive, yes,
but I'm confident we can hit it.
239
00:17:18,819 --> 00:17:22,888
And if we don't, Ted and I
have already agreed...
240
00:17:24,125 --> 00:17:26,792
we'll be forced to kill all of you.
241
00:17:27,796 --> 00:17:30,430
So you better do what he says.
242
00:17:32,066 --> 00:17:35,414
So, come on, let's get out there
and get selling.
243
00:17:36,538 --> 00:17:39,320
- What the hell, Ted?
- Now, hold on a minute.
244
00:17:39,421 --> 00:17:40,976
No one ever promised you that job.
245
00:17:41,076 --> 00:17:44,927
Oh, yeah, I know, but Max Phillips?
246
00:17:45,028 --> 00:17:47,316
He's got an MBA.
He's got a great track record.
247
00:17:47,415 --> 00:17:51,953
He comes highly recommended. He has
some very interesting ideas for new hires.
248
00:17:52,054 --> 00:17:54,822
Honestly, we're lucky to have him.
249
00:17:56,824 --> 00:17:59,260
How did you... Of all...
250
00:17:59,361 --> 00:18:02,365
Now, this isn't gonna be
a problem, now, is it?
251
00:18:02,464 --> 00:18:07,001
- You working for Max?
- No. No! Of course not, I just...
252
00:18:07,102 --> 00:18:12,405
I would've liked a legitimate crack at
the job before you brought in someone else.
253
00:18:14,209 --> 00:18:15,852
Look...
254
00:18:16,251 --> 00:18:18,531
I like you, Evan. I really do.
255
00:18:18,632 --> 00:18:22,617
I mean, you show up
for work on time. You work hard.
256
00:18:22,718 --> 00:18:26,321
- You legitimately give a shit.
- Thank you. I do!
257
00:18:26,422 --> 00:18:29,458
It's like I used to tell the bench players
back when I coached football,
258
00:18:29,557 --> 00:18:34,262
"The most important people in the team
are the ones who make the starters try."
259
00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:37,064
Now, you get out there. There you go.
260
00:18:47,775 --> 00:18:49,910
Thank you, Jerry.
261
00:18:51,078 --> 00:18:53,231
Those are the employee files
I requested?
262
00:18:54,603 --> 00:18:58,052
Yes, I think so. It might be helpful
if you were a little more specific
263
00:18:58,153 --> 00:19:01,115
- about exactly what it is you're looking for.
- Listen, Amanda...
264
00:19:01,215 --> 00:19:07,308
I know you and Evan have a history,
and I know that you care about him.
265
00:19:09,207 --> 00:19:11,032
I'm the head of HR.
266
00:19:11,133 --> 00:19:14,702
So, it's highly inappropriate
for me to discuss this before...
267
00:19:14,803 --> 00:19:17,378
Sure, sure, sure. I'll tell you what.
268
00:19:17,906 --> 00:19:21,910
After I settle in, you and I can...
269
00:19:22,009 --> 00:19:24,446
schedule some one-on-one
and get to know each other.
270
00:19:25,146 --> 00:19:26,757
Yeah, that sounds nice.
271
00:19:27,816 --> 00:19:30,048
Hey, buddy.
272
00:19:31,086 --> 00:19:34,789
Just a little HR talk. Thanks, Mandy.
We'll circle back...
273
00:19:34,890 --> 00:19:37,277
Where are you taking Fuzz Aldrin?
274
00:19:40,361 --> 00:19:42,530
Fuzz Aldrin, the janitor has... Why?
275
00:19:42,631 --> 00:19:44,864
Long time no see. Am I right?
276
00:19:48,869 --> 00:19:53,041
Listen, Evan. I know you and I
had a little falling out.
277
00:19:53,142 --> 00:19:55,778
But as far as I'm concerned...
278
00:19:55,877 --> 00:19:59,113
water under the bridge. Ancient history.
279
00:19:59,212 --> 00:20:01,482
- Okay, good...
- It's all about the company now, right?
280
00:20:01,583 --> 00:20:04,486
- Wait...
- I knew I could count on you.
281
00:20:04,650 --> 00:20:05,624
This is mine...
282
00:20:05,723 --> 00:20:08,525
Boom Shaka laka.
Who's the noob now, bitch?
283
00:20:09,424 --> 00:20:13,095
Oh, now you wanna be a little kid.
Okay. Well, you can cry all night long
284
00:20:13,194 --> 00:20:17,763
'cause you just got your ass whupped
by a grownup with a big-ass dick.
285
00:20:18,365 --> 00:20:20,807
I'm gonna kill you.
286
00:20:37,117 --> 00:20:38,758
Yeah.
287
00:20:39,019 --> 00:20:41,039
Yeah. No, I'mma fuck you up.
288
00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:44,159
I'm gonna fuck... you up.
289
00:20:44,259 --> 00:20:47,859
Yeah, I see you. Fuckin' eat that shit.
290
00:20:48,329 --> 00:20:49,996
Hi.
291
00:20:50,897 --> 00:20:55,304
Jesus, man! You gotta fucking warn
someone before you do that.
292
00:20:55,403 --> 00:20:56,905
Office hours are over.
293
00:20:57,006 --> 00:21:01,643
Yeah, high-speed internet's free, and Elaine
left her Souplantation in the fridge.
294
00:21:01,742 --> 00:21:05,146
So, velvet rope off
this motherfucker right here
295
00:21:05,247 --> 00:21:07,750
because this is gonna be
my own personal club tonight.
296
00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:11,343
- Okay.
- And I'm gonna be dialing up some Youjizz
297
00:21:11,442 --> 00:21:13,221
and busting out some knuckle children
in a couple of minutes,
298
00:21:13,392 --> 00:21:18,359
so unless you wanna mop me up here
and here and here and a little bit here
299
00:21:18,460 --> 00:21:20,651
- and some over here...
- I'll go take a smoke break.
300
00:21:24,932 --> 00:21:27,301
Oh, yeah, I'm back.
Oh, are the tears back?
301
00:21:27,402 --> 00:21:29,971
Good. Yeah, take that.
302
00:21:31,597 --> 00:21:33,740
I hear the tears already coming.
303
00:21:40,648 --> 00:21:42,971
What the shit?
304
00:21:44,285 --> 00:21:46,698
I'm gonna go take a dump now.
305
00:21:47,355 --> 00:21:49,825
If anyone wanna steal something
from this company,
306
00:21:49,924 --> 00:21:53,192
I'd be gone way too long
to do anything about it.
307
00:22:24,893 --> 00:22:26,983
Hilarious, man.
308
00:22:27,863 --> 00:22:31,433
Turning the lights out
on the guy in the shitter, man.
309
00:22:32,034 --> 00:22:35,300
You must be some kind
of a prank savant, right?
310
00:22:43,210 --> 00:22:46,480
All right, man. Whoever's
doing this better knock it off.
311
00:23:20,815 --> 00:23:22,151
Colonel Sanders.
312
00:23:22,250 --> 00:23:26,416
Still hilarious. Hey, is Mike here already?
His car is in the parking garage.
313
00:23:26,517 --> 00:23:28,193
- That's a negative, sir.
- Do you know who Mike is?
314
00:23:28,294 --> 00:23:30,291
- That's a negative, sir.
- How do you know he's not here?
315
00:23:30,392 --> 00:23:34,363
I unlocked the doors myself at 0600, and no
unfamiliars have penetrated my perimeter,
316
00:23:34,462 --> 00:23:35,914
I've been on full alert.
317
00:23:39,032 --> 00:23:41,733
So, full alert?
318
00:23:44,372 --> 00:23:47,105
I believe I know this cat, sir.
319
00:23:51,279 --> 00:23:55,730
Okay... at ease or carry on.
320
00:24:05,492 --> 00:24:07,226
Nah, I must be dreaming.
321
00:24:08,162 --> 00:24:11,900
Max called me at 6 a.m.
this morning to come in early.
322
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:15,804
I haven't been up before dawn
since straight is great camp.
323
00:24:16,321 --> 00:24:17,239
What?
324
00:24:17,338 --> 00:24:20,075
I wasn't gay. They just had
a really good archery program.
325
00:24:20,174 --> 00:24:21,777
All right. So you've told me.
326
00:24:21,876 --> 00:24:25,913
This situation sucks, dude. I mean,
we gotta do something about this, right?
327
00:24:26,013 --> 00:24:28,083
I mean, can you believe how much
they've screwed us here?
328
00:24:28,182 --> 00:24:29,218
Us?
329
00:24:29,317 --> 00:24:32,721
Yeah. I mean, I was all ready
for you to become sales manager.
330
00:24:32,820 --> 00:24:35,348
I wanted that for you, man.
Because what's better than having
331
00:24:35,449 --> 00:24:37,471
- your best friend as your boss?
- Yeah.
332
00:24:37,570 --> 00:24:40,762
Now then... I mean, I would've
gotten away with everything.
333
00:24:40,962 --> 00:24:42,862
But now...
334
00:24:44,132 --> 00:24:47,226
I mean, you get me, man. You know?
335
00:24:47,326 --> 00:24:50,209
You allow me to be me in the workplace.
336
00:24:50,308 --> 00:24:51,707
- Useless slacker.
- Exactly.
337
00:24:51,807 --> 00:24:53,541
- Worthless.
- Yeah.
338
00:24:53,642 --> 00:24:56,744
- Gotta have one.
- I mean, look at me, man.
339
00:24:56,845 --> 00:24:58,877
Look at me.
340
00:25:00,381 --> 00:25:02,794
Our perfect routine...
341
00:25:02,894 --> 00:25:04,871
is broken.
342
00:25:05,051 --> 00:25:08,090
Yeah, you... you are
the real victim here.
343
00:25:09,290 --> 00:25:10,588
I know.
344
00:25:11,025 --> 00:25:15,297
But hey, man. You got hosed too, kinda.
345
00:25:17,198 --> 00:25:19,265
By the way...
346
00:25:24,471 --> 00:25:30,011
No. No. You gotta be fucking kidding me.
This is my desk now?
347
00:25:30,112 --> 00:25:33,756
Well, officially,
it's still a photoprinter's desk.
348
00:25:35,284 --> 00:25:37,017
But you can share it.
349
00:25:40,054 --> 00:25:41,887
Do I get a chair?
350
00:25:53,101 --> 00:25:56,578
Holy fucking shit!
351
00:25:59,273 --> 00:26:01,476
We're gonna get this place
lean and mean, Theodore.
352
00:26:01,576 --> 00:26:04,946
We are gonna separate the meat
from the tallow. We're going...
353
00:26:05,146 --> 00:26:06,914
Mike is dead.
354
00:26:07,115 --> 00:26:09,718
- Mike is fucking dead!
- What?
355
00:26:09,817 --> 00:26:13,622
Mike is dead in the fucking bathroom.
I went in there, and someone ate his...
356
00:26:13,721 --> 00:26:16,424
I don't know. I just had to go.
I just needed to go.
357
00:26:16,525 --> 00:26:18,894
Jesus Christ,
I'll never take a shit again.
358
00:26:18,993 --> 00:26:22,847
Evan, Evan, slow down. What's up now?
359
00:26:22,948 --> 00:26:24,580
Mike...
360
00:26:25,298 --> 00:26:27,836
He didn't... dead...
361
00:26:27,935 --> 00:26:30,005
The bathroom.
362
00:26:30,105 --> 00:26:32,238
Ted, call security.
363
00:26:32,506 --> 00:26:35,040
I still have to go.
364
00:26:36,509 --> 00:26:38,547
- Hey, Frank, we have to have...
- Code one emergency.
365
00:26:38,646 --> 00:26:42,917
The forty dollars you owe me
for the NCAA tournament pool.
366
00:26:43,018 --> 00:26:46,208
I'd join ya,
but I gotta get these papers.
367
00:26:46,307 --> 00:26:49,557
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
Don't open the door.
368
00:26:49,657 --> 00:26:52,961
I'm sorry. I just... I need to warn you.
369
00:26:53,161 --> 00:26:56,566
I hope you all have strong stomachs.
370
00:26:56,932 --> 00:27:02,436
Oh, boy. That's disgusting.
I'll clean it again. It's...
371
00:27:02,537 --> 00:27:04,819
What? No.
372
00:27:06,068 --> 00:27:09,277
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I...
373
00:27:09,376 --> 00:27:13,749
I am telling you, this stall
was a fucking horror show.
374
00:27:13,848 --> 00:27:18,220
Evan, this isn't some way of stalling
on the Phallusite presentation, is it?
375
00:27:18,319 --> 00:27:22,257
- The what? What?
- The Phallusite presentation.
376
00:27:22,356 --> 00:27:24,125
It's tomorrow. If you're not ready...
377
00:27:24,226 --> 00:27:28,497
No, no. I... I'm not ready
yet, all right? I'm not...
378
00:27:28,596 --> 00:27:31,467
It will be ready, okay? It will...
379
00:27:31,967 --> 00:27:32,904
Mike!
380
00:27:33,005 --> 00:27:37,038
I'll deal with Mike whenever he decides
to roll in to work today.
381
00:27:37,137 --> 00:27:41,611
- You just keep your eye on the ball?
- We're counting on you, slugger.
382
00:27:47,615 --> 00:27:52,690
No. No. What the fuck?
383
00:27:58,858 --> 00:28:01,041
- Permission to speak freely.
- Jesus Christ, Frank.
384
00:28:01,142 --> 00:28:06,500
Can we drop the whole chain
of command bit? I'm just not in the mood.
385
00:28:06,601 --> 00:28:10,373
You were right.
Someone drew first blood.
386
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:21,782
I need to talk to you.
387
00:28:21,883 --> 00:28:24,685
Evan, if this is about us,
I just can't at work. I have...
388
00:28:24,786 --> 00:28:26,554
Mike is dead.
389
00:28:26,653 --> 00:28:29,403
- What?
- I found him in the men's room.
390
00:28:29,502 --> 00:28:33,060
He was propped up in the stall
like some fucked up marionette.
391
00:28:33,161 --> 00:28:37,565
There was blood everywhere. And then
I went to get help, and he was gone.
392
00:28:39,333 --> 00:28:42,202
Oh, my God. I can't believe you're
seriously doing this right now.
393
00:28:42,302 --> 00:28:45,733
Doing what? Mike was dead
in the bathroom.
394
00:28:45,834 --> 00:28:48,673
- Did anyone else see the body?
- Well, no.
395
00:28:48,772 --> 00:28:51,546
I went to get help and then
when I came back, he was gone.
396
00:28:51,645 --> 00:28:56,538
Jesus! Evan, he's fucking with you.
It's Mike. He's probably doing it as a joke.
397
00:28:56,637 --> 00:28:59,137
Let's not forget
he's a complete asshole, okay?
398
00:29:00,587 --> 00:29:05,790
Yeah, he is kind of an asshole,
but I don't know. This looked pretty real.
399
00:29:05,891 --> 00:29:09,998
Okay. All right, let's... let's consider
the possibilities then.
400
00:29:10,397 --> 00:29:13,268
Option one, somebody murdered Mike,
401
00:29:13,367 --> 00:29:16,740
left him in the bathroom and then moved
the body when you went to get help.
402
00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:18,339
Well, when you put it that way...
403
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:22,544
Or option two, is that the most
obnoxious prick in the office
404
00:29:22,644 --> 00:29:25,580
who would rather do anything
other than actually work,
405
00:29:25,780 --> 00:29:27,392
played a practical joke on you.
406
00:29:28,482 --> 00:29:32,954
- Okay, now I'm gonna kill him.
- Yeah, well, you've got bigger fish to fry.
407
00:29:33,055 --> 00:29:37,560
Max is cleaning house. Mike was probably
getting fired even before the first stunt.
408
00:29:41,194 --> 00:29:43,298
I have to nail that presentation.
409
00:29:43,397 --> 00:29:45,067
Yeah.
410
00:29:48,670 --> 00:29:51,373
Thank you. Thank you.
411
00:29:52,941 --> 00:29:56,156
- Don't you two have some work to do?
- Not really.
412
00:30:00,413 --> 00:30:01,849
- Dave, right?
- Yeah.
413
00:30:01,950 --> 00:30:06,074
I hear you're the guy to talk to
about office pools. Company sports czar.
414
00:30:06,173 --> 00:30:08,390
It's so weird. I've been trying
to get people to call me that.
415
00:30:08,490 --> 00:30:10,608
- Oh, yeah?
- I should probably quit though.
416
00:30:10,709 --> 00:30:13,996
My cat, Puddles, he gets really jealous
when I spend too much time on,
417
00:30:14,096 --> 00:30:16,968
- his diabetes is acting off.
- Oh, nonsense.
418
00:30:17,067 --> 00:30:20,035
Morale is vital to the health
of any company.
419
00:30:20,134 --> 00:30:22,202
And you make an important contribution.
420
00:30:22,303 --> 00:30:25,298
Let's pop into my man-cave, and you can
give me the Vegas tips on the NBA playoffs
421
00:30:25,398 --> 00:30:29,044
- and dirt on upcoming events, you know?
- Don't hit me.
422
00:30:29,443 --> 00:30:31,512
- Man stuff, all right. Come on.
- All right.
423
00:30:31,613 --> 00:30:33,647
I got all sorts of ideas
for other office pools.
424
00:30:33,748 --> 00:30:37,144
Competitive curling,
fantasy fishing, ant bite...
425
00:30:43,458 --> 00:30:45,527
Dude, the record.
426
00:30:45,626 --> 00:30:47,796
What's up, man. You all right?
427
00:30:48,095 --> 00:30:49,699
I...
428
00:30:50,029 --> 00:30:52,381
I don't know. I don't know.
429
00:30:53,066 --> 00:30:56,271
Right now, I'm just...
trying to avoid getting fired.
430
00:30:57,072 --> 00:30:59,140
That's smart. That's a good plan.
431
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:01,897
- Welcome to the club, right?
- Right.
432
00:31:09,916 --> 00:31:12,921
I want my $20
for the NCAA tournament pool.
433
00:31:13,020 --> 00:31:17,858
- I told you, man. I...
- No excuses! You gambled, you lost.
434
00:31:17,959 --> 00:31:21,229
- Now pay for your failures.
- You need to chill out, Brian.
435
00:31:21,328 --> 00:31:25,333
I will chill when I have
your $20 as well, Tim.
436
00:31:25,432 --> 00:31:29,170
You have until 5 o'clock.
Don't make me come find you.
437
00:31:29,269 --> 00:31:32,737
Evan, thank you for your thoughtful
and prompt payment.
438
00:31:32,836 --> 00:31:35,259
It shall not be forgotten.
439
00:31:36,442 --> 00:31:37,713
I...
440
00:31:40,580 --> 00:31:44,751
- What the fuck was that?
- I didn't even enter that pool.
441
00:31:44,951 --> 00:31:48,308
Shit. Mike's computer's
password protected.
442
00:31:48,419 --> 00:31:51,961
That's probably a good thing.
There's an insane amount of porn on that.
443
00:31:52,893 --> 00:31:54,848
How the hell am I gonna get
those sales figures?
444
00:31:54,959 --> 00:31:57,664
You mean, you want
all the numbers, like...
445
00:31:57,765 --> 00:32:01,702
Yeah, yeah. The spreadsheets are
on Mike's computer and that's locked, so...
446
00:32:01,803 --> 00:32:05,673
- Oh, you don't have the password?
- No, no. I don't wanna know the password,
447
00:32:05,772 --> 00:32:08,643
so I'm gonna have to rebuild
the excel files from scratch.
448
00:32:08,742 --> 00:32:11,011
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can totally help, you know.
449
00:32:11,112 --> 00:32:14,382
Especially after what Ted did to you.
That was just so horrible.
450
00:32:14,481 --> 00:32:18,086
- I know. Right? Yeah.
- You must be having such a horrible day.
451
00:32:18,185 --> 00:32:21,388
- So you think you can help me out?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
452
00:32:21,489 --> 00:32:25,487
I could totally go down to the basement,
and... grab the files for you downstairs.
453
00:32:25,586 --> 00:32:29,931
That's great. You're a lifesaver, Zabs.
Go do that, and then we'll talk.
454
00:32:30,030 --> 00:32:33,867
- Okay
- Okay. Bye-bye. Bye. Run along.
455
00:32:37,271 --> 00:32:39,173
- God.
- Little help.
456
00:32:43,344 --> 00:32:44,980
Really?
457
00:32:57,324 --> 00:32:59,194
Evan?
458
00:33:01,261 --> 00:33:03,232
Okay.
459
00:33:06,532 --> 00:33:09,971
Oh, shit. I just got this skirt.
460
00:33:10,070 --> 00:33:11,906
Come on.
461
00:33:15,977 --> 00:33:17,979
Please, it's not the world.
It's just one night.
462
00:33:18,078 --> 00:33:20,382
- I have kick ball.
- And you're starting pitcher tonight.
463
00:33:20,481 --> 00:33:23,317
- I'm on that team. I never get to go.
- He's terrible.
464
00:33:23,416 --> 00:33:25,987
- God damn, Tim!
- All right. What do I get if I stay?
465
00:33:26,086 --> 00:33:29,656
My undying gratitude. The respect
and admiration of your peers.
466
00:33:29,757 --> 00:33:32,294
- It's not me.
- Come on, man. Something valuable.
467
00:33:32,394 --> 00:33:34,962
Precious gems. Straight-up cash.
468
00:33:35,063 --> 00:33:38,740
If we land the account, all the Phallusite
you'll ever need, free.
469
00:33:38,839 --> 00:33:41,519
- No.
- Yes.
470
00:33:41,618 --> 00:33:44,222
- You should be in sales.
- Yes!
471
00:33:44,605 --> 00:33:48,644
Why do you care? I... I don't suppose
I should even bother to ask you.
472
00:33:49,443 --> 00:33:52,313
Oh, I can't tonight.
I've got Kelly Clarkson tickets.
473
00:33:52,413 --> 00:33:53,914
Oh, you had been talking about that.
474
00:33:54,015 --> 00:33:57,751
Yeah. I like that Walk Away
song, though, I do.
475
00:33:58,251 --> 00:34:00,119
Boom!
476
00:34:00,941 --> 00:34:04,459
Man! There goes all the burritos.
477
00:34:04,858 --> 00:34:06,928
This is a conventional oven, right?
478
00:34:07,228 --> 00:34:12,324
Well, you know, microwaving
is a pretty inexact science, Tim, so...
479
00:34:13,067 --> 00:34:14,804
You know what?
480
00:34:14,903 --> 00:34:18,208
- Can I be blunt?
- As opposed to how you normally are?
481
00:34:18,309 --> 00:34:20,688
So how long are you planning
on punishing Evan?
482
00:34:22,076 --> 00:34:25,313
Jesus, Tim. I am not talking
to you about this right now.
483
00:34:25,413 --> 00:34:27,047
Yes, you are, Mandy. Damn it.
484
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,228
We are gonna have this conversation
right now. Because, you know what?
485
00:34:30,327 --> 00:34:33,773
Evan is a good guy.
You know it. I know it.
486
00:34:33,873 --> 00:34:37,384
All right? So he made one mistake.
He's human.
487
00:34:37,483 --> 00:34:40,362
Yeah, well... it was
a pretty big mistake, Tim.
488
00:34:40,661 --> 00:34:42,630
What do you want me to say?
489
00:34:43,130 --> 00:34:49,003
Okay, yeah. Evan...
hurt my feelings... a lot.
490
00:34:50,170 --> 00:34:54,275
Well... yeah, I guess that's exactly
what I wanted you to say.
491
00:34:54,576 --> 00:34:56,710
- You said it.
- Well, yeah.
492
00:34:56,811 --> 00:35:00,782
Look, I'm not trying
to pile on to you emotionally...
493
00:35:00,882 --> 00:35:03,150
- Right.
- But look, we all think you're awesome.
494
00:35:03,251 --> 00:35:05,954
Yup, yup. Awesome Amanda.
495
00:35:06,054 --> 00:35:08,789
Dating me is like dating a dude.
It's really great.
496
00:35:08,889 --> 00:35:11,628
- Never heard anyone say that.
- Yeah.
497
00:35:13,460 --> 00:35:17,431
It's not like I was expecting
a fucking proposal, okay?
498
00:35:18,231 --> 00:35:21,061
And this may not have occurred to you,
but it was actually...
499
00:35:21,161 --> 00:35:24,206
really difficult for me to even say...
500
00:35:24,905 --> 00:35:29,911
the "L" word, and please,
do not make a lesbian joke right now.
501
00:35:30,010 --> 00:35:31,579
That seems inappropriate.
I wouldn't have done that.
502
00:35:31,679 --> 00:35:35,650
- You always make lesbian jokes.
- Not in front of lesbians.
503
00:35:36,248 --> 00:35:39,471
Or women, you know,
with lesbian haircuts.
504
00:35:39,570 --> 00:35:41,239
Look.
505
00:35:41,588 --> 00:35:44,525
I wasn't even expecting him
to say it back right away.
506
00:35:44,626 --> 00:35:47,929
But Jesus, Tim. "No?"
507
00:35:48,028 --> 00:35:49,327
Yeah.
508
00:35:49,427 --> 00:35:53,967
He said no. Like what kind
of a response is that?
509
00:35:54,068 --> 00:35:57,105
- Not a positive one.
- Yeah.
510
00:35:57,505 --> 00:35:59,340
It would have...
511
00:35:59,539 --> 00:36:02,510
It would have honestly hurt less
if he just would have said...
512
00:36:02,610 --> 00:36:04,612
nothing at all.
513
00:36:06,679 --> 00:36:08,617
Hey, Evan.
514
00:36:10,617 --> 00:36:12,353
Shit.
515
00:36:12,452 --> 00:36:15,456
Mandy is upset because
I was using the microwave,
516
00:36:15,556 --> 00:36:18,025
and I just didn't understand
how the buttons work,
517
00:36:18,126 --> 00:36:22,329
and I blew up my burrito,
and it was, like, the fourth one.
518
00:36:22,429 --> 00:36:26,099
She wanted to microwave
her salad, I think and...
519
00:36:26,199 --> 00:36:28,135
- We were talking about you.
- Clearly.
520
00:36:28,335 --> 00:36:30,121
Amanda Baron.
521
00:36:30,221 --> 00:36:34,742
Your friends call you Mandy,
but Amanda is better, stronger.
522
00:36:34,842 --> 00:36:39,346
A name with fingernails
I can dig into a man's back.
523
00:36:41,798 --> 00:36:44,934
Interesting observation.
524
00:36:47,153 --> 00:36:50,668
You smell... lust.
525
00:36:51,190 --> 00:36:54,362
I can hear your heart all broken.
526
00:36:54,862 --> 00:36:59,199
- And wet.
- That's really weird, okay?
527
00:36:59,300 --> 00:37:01,570
Evan doesn't deserve you.
528
00:37:02,235 --> 00:37:04,440
Perhaps you just need a woman's touch.
529
00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:09,010
Shouldn't you be answering the phones?
530
00:37:11,411 --> 00:37:13,416
I like your dress.
531
00:37:19,802 --> 00:37:24,157
No money was ever transferred.
You can't just give yourself a checkmark.
532
00:37:24,257 --> 00:37:27,396
I put a checkmark on the board.
That's a sale, man.
533
00:37:34,367 --> 00:37:36,804
Tick-tock, motherfucker.
534
00:37:44,244 --> 00:37:48,483
- Yes. Yes, you can borrow 20 bucks.
- Quick.
535
00:37:49,548 --> 00:37:52,987
So please, just give me
your address and your e-mail
536
00:37:53,086 --> 00:37:56,659
and your Social Security,
and I'll send it out.
537
00:37:57,757 --> 00:37:59,628
Go ahead.
538
00:38:00,159 --> 00:38:01,932
One...
539
00:38:03,063 --> 00:38:06,617
Five o'clock. See you fuckers tomorrow.
540
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:10,905
Oh, did anybody see which way Dave went?
541
00:38:17,943 --> 00:38:20,717
Hey, but I gave you 20 bucks.
542
00:38:32,458 --> 00:38:36,831
- Evan?
- Oh. Oh. Hi, Elaine, hi.
543
00:38:37,297 --> 00:38:40,869
Sorry. Sorry you lost your job.
544
00:38:51,244 --> 00:38:53,514
Oh, thank you, Elaine.
545
00:38:55,481 --> 00:38:58,954
- All right, man. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Phallusite.
546
00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:02,590
Well, it was worth a shot.
547
00:39:05,893 --> 00:39:10,565
And you can call me Ward Cleaver
'cause I just banged out June.
548
00:39:10,664 --> 00:39:16,737
Nice. You can call me Uncle Ben
because I just nailed May.
549
00:39:16,836 --> 00:39:18,239
Nice.
550
00:39:18,338 --> 00:39:21,509
Hey, we keep this up,
we might not have to sleep here.
551
00:39:21,608 --> 00:39:24,012
Oh, Amen, brother.
552
00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:31,585
Shit. Zabeth only brought up
the hard copies through July.
553
00:39:31,686 --> 00:39:33,987
Can you run downstairs and get August?
554
00:39:34,088 --> 00:39:35,719
- In the basement?
- Yeah.
555
00:39:35,820 --> 00:39:40,894
Man. That place has freaked me out ever
since they found that whimsical gimp mask.
556
00:39:40,994 --> 00:39:43,563
You know, Elaine walked off with that.
557
00:39:43,664 --> 00:39:47,168
Come on, man. Please.
Just go. Think of it as a field trip.
558
00:39:47,268 --> 00:39:51,539
- You don't have to work for one minute.
- Actually, that's pretty good argument.
559
00:39:51,938 --> 00:39:53,980
There you go.
560
00:40:04,137 --> 00:40:06,458
No, no, no, no, no. Don't do it, Evan.
561
00:40:08,789 --> 00:40:10,728
Bad idea.
562
00:40:11,123 --> 00:40:14,264
Fuck that. It was my office
longer than it was his.
563
00:40:20,735 --> 00:40:25,072
Oh, Jesus Christ, Zabeth.
You scared the shit out of me.
564
00:40:25,773 --> 00:40:27,847
What the hell were you even
doing down here?
565
00:40:32,644 --> 00:40:35,909
Oh, shit. Of course.
566
00:40:38,650 --> 00:40:40,626
Ass-hat?
567
00:40:42,306 --> 00:40:47,043
I thought perhaps it was Evan
coming down, but now I see.
568
00:40:47,193 --> 00:40:49,697
Why send a boy to do a man's job?
569
00:40:49,797 --> 00:40:52,018
Well, I couldn't agree more.
570
00:40:52,119 --> 00:40:54,306
The douche-nozzle.
571
00:40:55,402 --> 00:40:57,038
Yeah, I should stop doing that.
572
00:40:57,338 --> 00:41:00,541
You know, I always had
a thing for you, right?
573
00:41:00,641 --> 00:41:02,009
Really?
574
00:41:02,108 --> 00:41:06,146
'Cause I always thought that you
wanted me to die in a car fire.
575
00:41:06,246 --> 00:41:09,583
Oh, no, no, no, no. Why would
my baby think of me like that?
576
00:41:09,684 --> 00:41:13,994
Because you said, "Andrew,
I hope you die in a car fire."
577
00:41:16,623 --> 00:41:19,130
Got some new hires?
578
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:22,530
Well, that's not a surprise.
579
00:41:22,630 --> 00:41:27,268
You were very specific
to the make, the model, the mileage.
580
00:41:28,268 --> 00:41:32,106
No, no, no, no, no. I was just
wasting my time pining on Evan.
581
00:41:32,206 --> 00:41:36,516
And Evan is just that. A waste.
582
00:41:41,114 --> 00:41:44,518
Oh, Max. You sick fuck.
583
00:41:44,617 --> 00:41:47,054
Okay, come on. Evan's my friend,
584
00:41:47,155 --> 00:41:50,313
and he's the only person
in this office who...
585
00:41:50,414 --> 00:41:52,092
You're right. Fuck that guy.
586
00:41:52,193 --> 00:41:54,494
Well, Tim. I mean...
587
00:41:54,594 --> 00:41:55,755
What? Really?
588
00:41:57,297 --> 00:41:59,007
Oh, what are you doing...
589
00:42:01,233 --> 00:42:03,202
Well...
590
00:42:03,302 --> 00:42:08,780
What? I'm the one person in the office
you haven't made a decision on.
591
00:42:10,143 --> 00:42:14,014
Okay, full disclaimer. There might be
some slight discoloration issues down there,
592
00:42:14,114 --> 00:42:16,282
but if it helps, you can pretend
you're boning the Hulk.
593
00:42:16,382 --> 00:42:19,436
Actually, I don't want to
over promise that. Let's go with Kermit.
594
00:42:22,074 --> 00:42:24,396
Well, well, well.
595
00:42:24,724 --> 00:42:28,934
My buddy Ted will be
very interested in this.
596
00:42:29,563 --> 00:42:34,273
I have severely underestimated
the versatility of Anne Taylor Loft.
597
00:42:36,369 --> 00:42:38,639
Oh, God! You bit my lip.
598
00:42:38,739 --> 00:42:41,976
- Do we need a safe word?
- Scream for me.
599
00:42:42,076 --> 00:42:44,777
Okay. You know what?
I'm as kinky as the next guy.
600
00:42:48,949 --> 00:42:51,257
Well, you have Zabeth.
601
00:42:51,751 --> 00:42:55,677
Oh, God! Okay, I took a self-defense class
for women to pick up chicks,
602
00:42:55,777 --> 00:42:57,668
and the shit they teach you
in there is nasty.
603
00:42:58,159 --> 00:43:01,061
Dave? What the hell does he do?
604
00:43:01,161 --> 00:43:04,297
No! Foot stomp, eye gouge, crotch kick.
605
00:43:04,398 --> 00:43:06,059
Excellent suggestion.
606
00:43:12,038 --> 00:43:14,264
Well, that's different.
607
00:43:21,981 --> 00:43:25,519
- Oh, God!
- I will still fuck you if you scream.
608
00:43:26,119 --> 00:43:27,887
What the hell does that mean?
609
00:43:28,923 --> 00:43:32,117
- God!
- I just didn't say when.
610
00:43:36,829 --> 00:43:39,038
All right, Max.
611
00:43:39,565 --> 00:43:43,827
We'll see what Ted
has to say about this.
612
00:43:46,840 --> 00:43:51,211
Oh, man, you would not believe what I...
613
00:43:51,311 --> 00:43:56,021
Are you... son of a bitch!
If you bailed on me...
614
00:44:00,786 --> 00:44:02,628
Andrew?
615
00:44:04,556 --> 00:44:08,561
Dude, if this is another
fucking bit like Mike's...
616
00:44:08,661 --> 00:44:10,309
Run.
617
00:44:11,565 --> 00:44:14,704
Oh, shit! Andrew, you all right?
618
00:44:14,804 --> 00:44:17,577
Okay, okay, hold on. I'm gonna get help.
619
00:44:59,211 --> 00:45:02,090
What the fuck is happening?
620
00:45:04,784 --> 00:45:07,393
Somebody here went to Harvard?
621
00:45:20,132 --> 00:45:23,409
Who the fuck would do this?
622
00:45:27,974 --> 00:45:29,280
Max.
623
00:45:31,945 --> 00:45:33,927
Max.
624
00:45:34,027 --> 00:45:37,460
You... fucking asshole.
625
00:46:12,018 --> 00:46:13,893
Oh, fuck!
626
00:46:17,724 --> 00:46:19,798
Oh, come on
627
00:46:22,461 --> 00:46:26,333
Amanda. Amanda, it's me. I'm at the office
and I just saw Andrew get killed.
628
00:46:26,432 --> 00:46:29,135
And now they're after me,
and I think it's Max.
629
00:46:29,235 --> 00:46:31,766
Oh, gosh, buddy. That hurts my feelings.
630
00:46:31,865 --> 00:46:35,074
I'm sure Amanda is great in a crisis,
631
00:46:35,175 --> 00:46:37,778
but don't you think this call
is more suited to 911?
632
00:46:38,179 --> 00:46:41,199
- What have you done with Amanda?
- I just devoured her...
633
00:46:41,300 --> 00:46:44,184
fabulous Ossobuco.
634
00:46:44,284 --> 00:46:46,853
Who knew Mandy was such
a demon in the kitchen?
635
00:46:47,253 --> 00:46:50,692
Absolutely open another bottle
as long as it's red.
636
00:46:51,891 --> 00:46:53,632
What?
637
00:46:55,811 --> 00:46:59,253
Max, you son of a bitch.
You listen to me, right now!
638
00:46:59,550 --> 00:47:02,802
- Oh, fuck!
- Do I hear banging?
639
00:47:02,902 --> 00:47:06,077
On your end. I mean, there's
no banging happening here, yet.
640
00:47:08,275 --> 00:47:10,344
Wait, are you on my phone?
641
00:47:10,443 --> 00:47:15,431
It's Evan calling to tell us he's absolutely
crushing the presentation tomorrow.
642
00:47:15,532 --> 00:47:17,322
Do you want to talk to him?
643
00:47:19,737 --> 00:47:22,458
No. No, it's okay.
644
00:47:23,222 --> 00:47:25,697
- Amanda!
- Sorry, buddy. You're stuck with me.
645
00:47:27,628 --> 00:47:32,362
God damn it, Max. I swear to God,
if you lay one finger on her...
646
00:47:33,382 --> 00:47:36,070
I think you better focus
on your own problems, bro.
647
00:47:36,170 --> 00:47:38,275
But I'll give Amanda your best.
648
00:47:39,373 --> 00:47:41,715
Actually, I'll give her mine.
649
00:47:41,815 --> 00:47:44,836
- Max, no.
- It's better.
650
00:47:46,148 --> 00:47:48,835
Max! Fuck!
651
00:47:48,936 --> 00:47:52,411
Fuck! Fuck-ety fuck! Fuck!
652
00:47:55,375 --> 00:47:58,362
Situation is suited for 911?
653
00:47:59,132 --> 00:48:01,271
Okay, asshole.
654
00:48:02,181 --> 00:48:04,849
Fuck it. That was stupid.
655
00:48:06,052 --> 00:48:08,155
All right. Where were we?
656
00:48:08,255 --> 00:48:11,262
"Where are we?"
657
00:48:11,958 --> 00:48:14,432
Is the more pertinent question.
658
00:48:15,293 --> 00:48:17,802
- What?
- You...
659
00:48:18,797 --> 00:48:21,405
have beautiful eyes.
660
00:48:26,706 --> 00:48:29,009
We should get started.
661
00:48:29,108 --> 00:48:31,817
We have the whole company
to get through, so...
662
00:48:34,581 --> 00:48:36,956
Don't I know it.
663
00:48:50,597 --> 00:48:52,748
Hey, Ted.
664
00:48:54,168 --> 00:48:57,737
- Mind explaining yourself?
- Ted's here.
665
00:48:58,347 --> 00:49:00,641
I... I don't know. I don't know.
666
00:49:00,740 --> 00:49:03,978
I... was working on the presentation.
667
00:49:04,077 --> 00:49:06,746
And... Oh, my God! Andrew!
668
00:49:06,847 --> 00:49:10,471
"Oh, my God, Andrew," is right. Without him,
today would have been a total disaster.
669
00:49:10,570 --> 00:49:15,976
- What? No, no. Andrew is dead.
- Dead tired after that all-nighter.
670
00:49:16,076 --> 00:49:20,027
The presentation.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.
671
00:49:20,126 --> 00:49:24,164
Andrew, you start prepping
my office for the Phallusite.
672
00:49:24,264 --> 00:49:26,300
I want you to run
this presentation today.
673
00:49:26,400 --> 00:49:29,507
- You got it, boss.
- Bounce.
674
00:49:29,608 --> 00:49:33,056
- Wait, wait... I...
- Evan, what the hell happened to you?
675
00:49:33,155 --> 00:49:35,943
You've always been
a model employee, but I...
676
00:49:36,043 --> 00:49:39,512
I can't overlook a pooch-screwing
this monumental.
677
00:49:39,612 --> 00:49:41,882
Ted. Ted, Ted.
678
00:49:42,681 --> 00:49:48,172
Let's not be hasty. Andrew finished
the job but Evan laid down the groundwork.
679
00:49:48,271 --> 00:49:52,025
Look at this poor fellow.
He was just passed over for a promotion.
680
00:49:52,126 --> 00:49:55,695
He slept in the supply closet,
and he smells like a dead wharf hooker.
681
00:49:55,795 --> 00:49:58,699
- You smell it now?
- He's just having a rough patch.
682
00:49:58,798 --> 00:50:01,440
Let's give him a pass on this one, okay?
683
00:50:03,135 --> 00:50:04,844
I...
684
00:50:10,476 --> 00:50:13,030
Max brought doughnuts.
685
00:50:17,949 --> 00:50:21,581
I would love to tell you about
our exceptional product, Abinatrix.
686
00:50:21,681 --> 00:50:23,824
Abinatrix is 100% natural.
687
00:50:23,923 --> 00:50:27,329
Abinatrix is for everyone of all ages.
688
00:50:27,661 --> 00:50:30,135
Dude, that sucked, man.
689
00:50:31,864 --> 00:50:34,268
Abinatrix is recommended
by most doctors...
690
00:50:34,367 --> 00:50:37,436
No, I don't understand
what the hell is going on.
691
00:50:37,536 --> 00:50:40,873
I did not imagine
all that stuff last night, Tim.
692
00:50:40,974 --> 00:50:43,440
And why the hell did Max save my job?
693
00:50:43,539 --> 00:50:47,081
You know what, man? I thought that
was weird too, but on the plus side,
694
00:50:47,181 --> 00:50:50,318
at least he didn't turn you into
a vampire like everyone else.
695
00:50:51,117 --> 00:50:53,454
- Mom, look, just buy Abinatrix, all right?
- What?
696
00:50:53,554 --> 00:50:56,489
I haven't had a sale all month
and I'm going to get fired.
697
00:50:56,590 --> 00:50:58,592
Dude, what are you doing?
That was going to be my first sale.
698
00:50:58,692 --> 00:51:01,628
Tim! Vampires?
699
00:51:02,527 --> 00:51:06,907
Okay. Well... it's just a few things
I've been noticing here and there.
700
00:51:12,637 --> 00:51:14,521
A shoe?
701
00:51:15,974 --> 00:51:19,461
- That was your evidence?
- Well, I'm not done yet.
702
00:51:28,887 --> 00:51:33,760
Okay, that is significantly weirder
and Zabeth has been acting strangely.
703
00:51:33,860 --> 00:51:36,896
Agreed, but what really convinced me...
704
00:51:37,396 --> 00:51:39,733
Poor, poor, Elaine.
705
00:51:39,833 --> 00:51:43,365
All ginger and no joy.
706
00:51:43,465 --> 00:51:46,760
- I don't... I don't mind.
- Yes, you do.
707
00:51:46,860 --> 00:51:50,342
- Oh, that's...
- I want you.
708
00:51:50,644 --> 00:51:54,614
I am so busy. I can't. I can't.
709
00:51:55,014 --> 00:51:58,757
I'm... I'm a virgin.
710
00:51:59,152 --> 00:52:01,293
You all are.
711
00:52:12,731 --> 00:52:16,590
So basically, I saw Max turn Elaine
into a vampire, ergo...
712
00:52:16,690 --> 00:52:20,880
- Max is a vampire.
- The head vampire, presumably.
713
00:52:20,981 --> 00:52:25,565
Right. This all started
after he got here. It's only logical.
714
00:52:25,666 --> 00:52:29,503
Logical? Oh, there's a part of this story
that you guys think is logical?
715
00:52:29,603 --> 00:52:32,485
Well, maybe not logical, but true.
716
00:52:32,585 --> 00:52:36,208
I don't know what kind of a game you're
trying to play here, but it is not funny
717
00:52:36,307 --> 00:52:40,559
or endearing or working. And you,
you let him drag you into this too?
718
00:52:40,659 --> 00:52:43,230
- I thought you were smarter than that.
- Really?
719
00:52:43,630 --> 00:52:46,032
- And today of all days.
- What day is it?
720
00:52:46,132 --> 00:52:48,101
I knew that you were selfish
and immature, Evan,
721
00:52:48,201 --> 00:52:52,172
but I did not think that you'd commit career
suicide to impress me, it's pretty lame.
722
00:52:52,271 --> 00:52:55,708
Damn it, Amanda! I'm not trying
to commit career suicide.
723
00:52:55,809 --> 00:52:58,911
I'm trying to prevent career homicide!
724
00:52:59,012 --> 00:53:03,721
- Oh, good one.
- Oh, well, yeah, it just came out.
725
00:53:04,150 --> 00:53:05,418
We have to get out of here.
726
00:53:05,518 --> 00:53:08,221
The only thing I have to do
is that Phallusite presentation
727
00:53:08,320 --> 00:53:10,990
because I actually give a shit
about my job, so...
728
00:53:11,090 --> 00:53:14,259
- Touche.
- Wait, wait. How do you explain Andrew?
729
00:53:14,559 --> 00:53:17,931
What about Andrew? He stayed here
all night working. He looks amazing.
730
00:53:18,030 --> 00:53:19,865
- Yeah, he does.
- Exactly!
731
00:53:19,965 --> 00:53:23,135
You don't think that proves
supernatural forces are at work here?
732
00:53:23,235 --> 00:53:27,173
- All right, Evan, I'm done. I'm done...
- What? Amanda! Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
733
00:53:27,273 --> 00:53:28,731
Please, wait.
734
00:53:28,831 --> 00:53:34,719
I know this all sounds crazy. I know.
But please, you have to believe me.
735
00:53:35,514 --> 00:53:37,556
I love you.
736
00:53:40,018 --> 00:53:41,492
No.
737
00:53:43,822 --> 00:53:46,717
So that's what it sounded like.
738
00:53:47,094 --> 00:53:49,619
Fuck it. I don't care
if she hates me forever,
739
00:53:49,719 --> 00:53:53,378
I am not letting the woman I love
get turned into a blood-sucking vampire.
740
00:53:53,478 --> 00:53:55,773
Bam-snap!
741
00:53:58,737 --> 00:54:00,378
What?
742
00:54:02,675 --> 00:54:05,945
Is it just me or is this office
getting darker?
743
00:54:06,045 --> 00:54:09,760
And colder too. Look.
744
00:54:11,751 --> 00:54:15,414
- Okay, it's time we alert the authorities.
- You mean call the cops?
745
00:54:15,514 --> 00:54:16,974
- Yes.
- And tell them what?
746
00:54:17,074 --> 00:54:20,740
I mean, everybody that we want
to report is dead, is here...
747
00:54:20,840 --> 00:54:23,018
- and working.
- Shit.
748
00:54:24,130 --> 00:54:25,798
Or turned to food.
749
00:54:25,898 --> 00:54:29,335
Oh, God! That was Mike's real body.
750
00:54:29,436 --> 00:54:31,197
Grody.
751
00:54:32,786 --> 00:54:34,608
Poor Andrew.
752
00:54:34,708 --> 00:54:37,744
Hey, we did get a bell. Bitchin'.
753
00:54:37,844 --> 00:54:41,581
It's a great idea. I think Max
really listens to what I have to say.
754
00:54:42,181 --> 00:54:43,889
Dave.
755
00:54:45,918 --> 00:54:51,425
Andrew has 14 sales today? Fuck!
756
00:54:51,525 --> 00:54:53,927
He's totally going to win
that Chilli's gift certificate.
757
00:54:54,027 --> 00:54:56,697
We need to get Amanda and we need
to get the fuck out of here.
758
00:54:56,797 --> 00:55:01,802
- Everyone in this office has been turned...
- Well, not everyone.
759
00:55:02,635 --> 00:55:04,505
Come on.
760
00:55:06,804 --> 00:55:09,284
Anybody need anything from the...
761
00:55:09,384 --> 00:55:11,456
break room?
762
00:55:18,117 --> 00:55:20,286
- Colonel Sanders.
- At ease, Soldier.
763
00:55:20,387 --> 00:55:22,789
No, no, no, not at ease. It's war time.
764
00:55:22,889 --> 00:55:25,358
Right, right, right. Yeah. I...
765
00:55:25,458 --> 00:55:27,260
- Attention.
- Attention.
766
00:55:27,561 --> 00:55:30,364
Frank, we need your help, okay?
767
00:55:30,463 --> 00:55:32,969
This is going to sound insane,
768
00:55:33,068 --> 00:55:35,518
but the entire office
has been turned into...
769
00:55:35,619 --> 00:55:38,092
Vampires. Affirmative, sir.
770
00:55:39,387 --> 00:55:41,697
What? What, you know?
771
00:56:05,597 --> 00:56:09,802
- Did I not mention that Frank was there?
- No, Tim. God damn it. No, you didn't.
772
00:56:09,902 --> 00:56:12,905
Sorry, my bad.
We hang out a lot actually.
773
00:56:13,005 --> 00:56:15,605
By the way, how amazing was that
Kelly Clarkson concert last night?
774
00:56:15,704 --> 00:56:17,943
"American Idol?"
More like "American Treasure."
775
00:56:18,043 --> 00:56:19,902
- Her voice literally sings.
- It does sing.
776
00:56:20,001 --> 00:56:22,335
- Her singing sings.
- How did you get home? I blacked out.
777
00:56:22,434 --> 00:56:24,617
This is not what we're here
to talk about.
778
00:56:24,717 --> 00:56:26,920
We need to get upstairs, Frank,
we need your help.
779
00:56:27,019 --> 00:56:29,155
We need to get Amanda
and we need to get the hell...
780
00:56:29,255 --> 00:56:33,092
No, no, no, we can't just go up there.
The place is a den of the undead right now.
781
00:56:33,193 --> 00:56:36,028
We need to arm ourselves.
We need weapons and shit.
782
00:56:36,128 --> 00:56:38,599
I was waiting for you to say that.
783
00:56:38,699 --> 00:56:40,938
I've got just the thing.
784
00:56:44,503 --> 00:56:47,144
- Weapons!
- Okay, okay.
785
00:56:51,342 --> 00:56:54,949
When she came after that second
encore, I was like, "what!"
786
00:56:55,449 --> 00:56:57,016
I almost fainted.
787
00:56:57,117 --> 00:56:58,650
What kills vampires?
788
00:56:58,751 --> 00:56:59,686
- Stakes.
- Yeah.
789
00:56:59,786 --> 00:57:02,900
Anything wooden you can jam
into their heart. Or a sharp blade.
790
00:57:03,001 --> 00:57:05,195
Decapitations work too.
791
00:57:06,458 --> 00:57:10,096
Did you think this was my first vampire?
I'm a licensed security guard.
792
00:57:10,195 --> 00:57:13,771
You don't get this patch without
dusting a few puncture monkeys.
793
00:57:18,603 --> 00:57:21,074
I looked some stuff up on Wikipedia.
794
00:57:22,559 --> 00:57:27,918
- All right, what else? Holy water, garlic?
- I make a really good 40-clove chicken.
795
00:57:29,081 --> 00:57:31,451
But we probably don't have time
for that right now, guys.
796
00:57:31,550 --> 00:57:34,920
- Sunlight. That burns them up.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Does it?
797
00:57:35,021 --> 00:57:38,318
Because it's daytime right now and they
don't seem to be too bothered by it.
798
00:57:38,418 --> 00:57:41,702
Correct, but that's because this facility
has a limited number of windows
799
00:57:41,802 --> 00:57:45,398
to minimize visual distractions
and maximize climate control and security.
800
00:57:45,498 --> 00:57:47,833
You're telling me sunlight
does kill vampires,
801
00:57:47,934 --> 00:57:53,478
but we get so little of it in this
fluorescent shithole, that they're just fine?
802
00:57:54,505 --> 00:57:58,050
- Good God, that's depressing.
- Yes, sir, it is.
803
00:58:02,246 --> 00:58:04,458
Sir... I swear to God,
804
00:58:04,559 --> 00:58:09,623
there was an arsenal of immense proportions
in this van this morning.
805
00:58:10,523 --> 00:58:15,561
Someone has violated the sovereignty
of my vehicular transport.
806
00:58:15,661 --> 00:58:17,563
They got your stereo, too.
807
00:58:17,963 --> 00:58:19,871
- Oh, son of a bitch.
- Hey!
808
00:58:21,001 --> 00:58:25,271
Oh, my God! Man, hey, hey.
You can't just... okay, okay.
809
00:58:25,371 --> 00:58:28,907
Listen, we need your help.
All right, this is going to sound insane,
810
00:58:29,007 --> 00:58:31,331
but the entire office
has been turned into...
811
00:58:31,431 --> 00:58:32,612
Vampires, yeah.
812
00:58:32,711 --> 00:58:35,936
- Did everybody know but me?
- Yeah, it seems that way.
813
00:58:36,235 --> 00:58:42,007
Oh, fuck! Oh, my God, you're a vampire!
Holy shit! Max turned the fucking janitor.
814
00:58:42,108 --> 00:58:44,177
That one actually makes sense
if you think about it.
815
00:58:44,277 --> 00:58:46,596
- You're creating a lot of dead bodies...
- Yeah, you got blood.
816
00:58:46,695 --> 00:58:49,916
It's smeared all over the walls. People are
struggling, they're breaking things.
817
00:58:50,016 --> 00:58:52,931
You got vans coming in full of weapons.
You got to clear that out.
818
00:58:53,030 --> 00:58:56,755
Okay, okay, okay. I get it. I get it.
All right, yeah. Great idea.
819
00:58:56,856 --> 00:59:00,028
- He's still a fucking asshole.
- Did you guys really not notice?
820
00:59:00,128 --> 00:59:02,608
He turned me day one.
I've been a vampire this whole...
821
00:59:02,708 --> 00:59:08,367
- I chased you through the cubicles.
- Last night? That was you? That...
822
00:59:08,467 --> 00:59:10,954
It was really dark.
I mean, I was scared.
823
00:59:11,054 --> 00:59:14,717
Look, it's not personal.
We don't know you that well.
824
00:59:14,818 --> 00:59:17,777
You know? I mean, we work upstairs,
we're busy and you...
825
00:59:17,878 --> 00:59:20,682
Well, how about this?
826
00:59:22,454 --> 00:59:25,525
- That's... that's scary, yeah.
- The teeth...
827
00:59:25,626 --> 00:59:28,188
Don't patronize me! God!
828
00:59:28,288 --> 00:59:30,728
Do you even know my name?
829
00:59:31,155 --> 00:59:32,996
Janitor?
830
00:59:33,927 --> 00:59:36,268
Always keep a provisional weapon
on your person.
831
00:59:41,333 --> 00:59:43,240
Wait... where?
832
00:59:44,702 --> 00:59:45,706
In my...
833
00:59:52,811 --> 00:59:55,186
Wikipedia did not mention that.
834
01:00:02,186 --> 01:00:04,923
No, no, no. Okay, okay, wait, wait.
835
01:00:05,023 --> 01:00:09,295
This means that they can die, all right?
You just need to find weapons.
836
01:00:09,394 --> 01:00:12,369
Oh, hey, maybe the janitor put
Frank's weapons in... Oh, God!
837
01:00:13,833 --> 01:00:16,869
Oh, God, how have they not dumped
the bodies yet?
838
01:00:16,969 --> 01:00:20,273
Trash pick up is on Saturdays
unless you make a special request,
839
01:00:20,373 --> 01:00:22,576
but that's like 60 bucks.
840
01:00:22,675 --> 01:00:24,715
Seriously?
841
01:00:25,710 --> 01:00:28,619
God, this fucking company sucks.
842
01:00:29,047 --> 01:00:30,481
I've got towels in my car.
843
01:00:38,356 --> 01:00:43,001
Hi, we're the Phallusite Corporation.
We have a 4 o'clock meeting?
844
01:00:44,096 --> 01:00:46,103
Meeting's canceled.
845
01:00:50,802 --> 01:00:53,369
Go. Go. Go, go, go, go.
846
01:00:56,074 --> 01:01:00,597
Say what you want about Elaine, she always
did stock the shit out of the supply closet.
847
01:01:00,697 --> 01:01:03,253
Bam-snap!
848
01:01:03,414 --> 01:01:05,422
That's growing on me.
849
01:01:21,532 --> 01:01:23,407
What?
850
01:01:34,730 --> 01:01:37,952
- Bam-snap!
- Yeah!
851
01:01:40,585 --> 01:01:43,563
Today, we become men.
852
01:01:43,963 --> 01:01:47,380
- Or vampires.
- Or dead.
853
01:01:53,664 --> 01:01:56,135
God, Frank, what's wrong with you?
854
01:01:56,235 --> 01:01:58,443
It's bull piss.
855
01:02:00,639 --> 01:02:02,942
It's gonna beat your ass.
856
01:02:03,041 --> 01:02:05,878
How many of those do you drink a day?
857
01:02:05,978 --> 01:02:08,119
As many as it takes.
858
01:02:11,016 --> 01:02:15,791
Jeez, anyone that probably takes a bite
out of you is going to be up for a week.
859
01:02:40,112 --> 01:02:42,940
Okay, there's a lot of them.
860
01:02:43,181 --> 01:02:44,784
Let's focus.
861
01:02:44,884 --> 01:02:48,693
We get into Ted's office, we grab Mandy,
we get out of here.
862
01:02:48,793 --> 01:02:50,989
We got your back, Colonel.
863
01:02:52,889 --> 01:02:54,932
Colonel Sanders.
864
01:02:56,695 --> 01:02:58,949
Like the chicken guy.
865
01:03:00,231 --> 01:03:02,440
I just got that.
866
01:03:05,231 --> 01:03:08,061
All right, vam time. Focus.
867
01:03:14,378 --> 01:03:18,264
Okay, okay, okay. No sudden movements,
all right? Just calm careful motions.
868
01:03:18,364 --> 01:03:20,391
Like you're playing Jenga.
869
01:03:22,889 --> 01:03:25,190
So, you know, generally it's got
to be some kind of pass.
870
01:03:25,291 --> 01:03:27,427
- Phallusite people call yet?
- No, not yet.
871
01:03:27,527 --> 01:03:29,284
Maybe they're stuck in traffic.
872
01:03:31,128 --> 01:03:33,599
I don't recognize a lot of these people.
873
01:03:33,699 --> 01:03:36,184
That's the IT guy. There's Marketing.
874
01:03:36,284 --> 01:03:39,876
There's the Customer Service Call center.
I hired everyone in there.
875
01:03:40,277 --> 01:03:44,166
- That is ironic.
- Only if they eat us.
876
01:03:44,675 --> 01:03:46,344
Tim.
877
01:03:46,445 --> 01:03:50,739
What? Oh, did I jinx us? My bad.
878
01:03:54,186 --> 01:03:58,056
- Sanders, what the hell are you doing?
- Have... have you lost your mind?
879
01:03:58,157 --> 01:04:02,280
Amanda, I love you, but you have
no idea what's going on here.
880
01:04:02,380 --> 01:04:07,500
- Now you're saying way too much.
- Tim... Ted, we have a problem.
881
01:04:07,599 --> 01:04:12,672
Max, in addition to being a douchebag,
is also a vampire
882
01:04:12,771 --> 01:04:16,509
and he's turning every one
of your employees from the janitor on up.
883
01:04:16,608 --> 01:04:19,711
By the way,
your neck-biting custodial buddy
884
01:04:19,811 --> 01:04:22,626
is doing his best impression
of a Jackson Pollock painting
885
01:04:22,726 --> 01:04:25,271
- in the parking garage.
- Bam-snap!
886
01:04:25,371 --> 01:04:27,987
Jesus Christ.
Evan, what the fuck have you done?
887
01:04:28,086 --> 01:04:31,958
Do you have any idea how hard it is
to find good custodial help?
888
01:04:32,057 --> 01:04:34,561
- You popped Jerry?
- Jerry.
889
01:04:34,661 --> 01:04:38,340
- That sounds familiar. I almost...
- Yeah. Yeah. That was so embarrassing.
890
01:04:38,440 --> 01:04:41,518
- Did you just miss the whole un-dead thing?
- Yeah.
891
01:04:41,617 --> 01:04:44,804
God damn it, I know they're vampires.
892
01:04:44,903 --> 01:04:46,940
Wait... wait, what?
893
01:04:47,039 --> 01:04:49,525
I track how many paperclips
we use per quarter,
894
01:04:49,625 --> 01:04:52,030
you think I wouldn't notice
a vampire company take-over?
895
01:04:52,130 --> 01:04:53,945
How many paperclips
do we use per quarter?
896
01:04:54,045 --> 01:04:57,250
- Tim!
- Last quarter, 22415.
897
01:04:57,349 --> 01:05:00,586
See? Look at him.
He's a model employee now.
898
01:05:00,686 --> 01:05:03,846
Wait, you did this intentionally?
899
01:05:03,945 --> 01:05:06,525
Corporate was threatening
to shut down the entire branch,
900
01:05:06,626 --> 01:05:09,027
I simply presented Ted
with an alternative.
901
01:05:09,128 --> 01:05:13,865
His methods may seem a little unorthodox,
but you can't argue with the results.
902
01:05:13,965 --> 01:05:18,208
After your little stunt... in college!
903
01:05:19,871 --> 01:05:25,318
The only school that would take me
was this university in Romania.
904
01:05:26,278 --> 01:05:29,916
But it turns out, it had
a very unique MBA program,
905
01:05:30,717 --> 01:05:34,353
a whole new paradigm
in business management.
906
01:05:34,452 --> 01:05:39,425
What? Turning your employees
into vampires? That's sick!
907
01:05:39,525 --> 01:05:41,327
Evan, this company was sick.
908
01:05:41,427 --> 01:05:43,963
Employees calling in with fake,
dead grandmothers
909
01:05:44,063 --> 01:05:45,731
so that they could go out
to the ballpark.
910
01:05:45,831 --> 01:05:48,266
Video game tournaments
during office hours,
911
01:05:48,367 --> 01:05:50,936
and look at your browser histories.
912
01:05:51,036 --> 01:05:54,440
- I know you watch porn all day.
- That was mainly mine.
913
01:05:54,539 --> 01:05:56,375
At least now we have a future.
914
01:05:56,474 --> 01:06:01,277
Yeah, funny your usage
of the word "we" there.
915
01:06:01,581 --> 01:06:04,567
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Max was gonna fucking eat you.
916
01:06:04,666 --> 01:06:08,487
I saw it in his files. Why do you think
he hasn't turned you yet, Ted?
917
01:06:08,586 --> 01:06:12,922
He was going to turn me last.
Make it special with candles.
918
01:06:13,692 --> 01:06:15,733
That makes sense.
919
01:06:20,130 --> 01:06:22,001
You were going to force me out?
920
01:06:22,101 --> 01:06:25,253
Hey, quick, while you still
have time, Ted. Fire this...
921
01:06:25,353 --> 01:06:27,139
Oh, God!
922
01:06:27,239 --> 01:06:29,407
That actually works. He really did that.
923
01:06:29,507 --> 01:06:34,594
That is the worst part of this job.
Firing people.
924
01:06:34,693 --> 01:06:37,269
Oh, shit. Jeez. He just...
925
01:06:37,369 --> 01:06:39,152
- Hey, Mandy.
- His neck...
926
01:06:39,251 --> 01:06:42,121
Have you not been listening
this entire time?
927
01:06:42,221 --> 01:06:44,786
We are vampires. That's what we do.
928
01:06:44,887 --> 01:06:47,626
We get... still sounds so weird
saying vampires.
929
01:06:47,726 --> 01:06:49,494
So you just do it?
930
01:06:49,594 --> 01:06:52,706
It's true. Amanda you got to start
working on your stubbornness
931
01:06:52,806 --> 01:06:54,384
if you want to be a part of the team.
932
01:06:55,170 --> 01:07:01,273
Fuck your team, Max! I'm taking Amanda
and we're walking out of here un-undead.
933
01:07:01,373 --> 01:07:03,141
Is that so?
934
01:07:03,242 --> 01:07:05,945
Yeah, I'm gonna... I'm gonna do that.
935
01:07:08,780 --> 01:07:10,682
- Okay.
- Okay?
936
01:07:10,782 --> 01:07:13,119
Well, show yourselves out.
937
01:07:13,219 --> 01:07:16,989
Can I have a thing, maybe a...
This will do.
938
01:07:17,489 --> 01:07:20,059
- Bye, gang.
- Okay, yeah.
939
01:07:20,159 --> 01:07:21,626
- See you guys.
- See you, man.
940
01:07:21,726 --> 01:07:24,197
You got that? You got the door?
941
01:07:24,297 --> 01:07:26,869
Back up. Back up!
942
01:07:27,115 --> 01:07:29,501
Shit. Holy shit.
943
01:07:29,601 --> 01:07:32,371
- Are all these people vampires?
- Yes, ma'am.
944
01:07:32,471 --> 01:07:34,739
Mandy, I don't want to die
without telling you how I really feel.
945
01:07:34,840 --> 01:07:37,476
Then shut the fuck up, so you have
a reason to survive this shit.
946
01:07:37,577 --> 01:07:39,210
So what now, Colonel?
947
01:07:39,309 --> 01:07:42,481
Honestly, I have no idea.
I never thought we'd live this long.
948
01:07:42,581 --> 01:07:45,418
To think you came to rescue me
and you didn't plan an escape?
949
01:07:45,518 --> 01:07:48,726
Oh, don't Princess Leah me.
I'm thinking.
950
01:07:49,855 --> 01:07:52,324
- Okay, I've got it.
- Oh, hey, Dave.
951
01:07:52,425 --> 01:07:56,034
- Good luck getting your 20 bucks now, bitch.
- God damn it, Tim.
952
01:08:03,867 --> 01:08:06,088
God damn it. Now I'm definitely
gonna have to wash this shirt.
953
01:08:06,188 --> 01:08:08,773
Do you want me to... dive in?
954
01:08:08,873 --> 01:08:11,949
Oh, no, no, no, no. I need you
to learn how to delegate.
955
01:08:22,686 --> 01:08:26,029
Hey, decapitate. You gotta take it off.
956
01:08:27,125 --> 01:08:28,828
Hair pulling?
957
01:08:28,927 --> 01:08:33,171
Yipee-Taekwondo-rogue-
a-motherfucker. Oh, shit!
958
01:08:34,367 --> 01:08:37,274
Oh, God!
Your breath smells like cat-food.
959
01:08:45,444 --> 01:08:47,952
Oh, I don't like this.
960
01:08:58,155 --> 01:09:00,831
And I defended your hire.
961
01:09:09,768 --> 01:09:13,645
- Does this happen every time?
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, basically.
962
01:09:16,573 --> 01:09:19,247
Not if you kill them first, people.
963
01:09:19,679 --> 01:09:23,551
Learn how to take the initiative
if you don't want me to micro-manage.
964
01:09:30,287 --> 01:09:32,925
This is about the story as far as I...
965
01:09:33,925 --> 01:09:36,449
Well, now it's time to go to work.
966
01:09:38,630 --> 01:09:40,037
Oh, shit.
967
01:09:44,234 --> 01:09:46,890
Jesus, those walls are thin.
968
01:09:48,305 --> 01:09:50,676
So, my question is, I mean...
969
01:09:50,775 --> 01:09:53,930
When do you let your people make
their own mistakes so that they can learn?
970
01:09:54,029 --> 01:09:58,083
And when do you just jump in and do the job
yourself because you're more efficient?
971
01:09:58,184 --> 01:10:00,319
- It's a balance to be sure.
- Yeah.
972
01:10:00,719 --> 01:10:04,662
I'm going to need a minute, Dave.
I think I've re-injured my back.
973
01:10:09,811 --> 01:10:13,984
God damn it, Amanda!
I finally started boning her.
974
01:10:14,667 --> 01:10:16,341
Sorry.
975
01:10:18,037 --> 01:10:21,568
You know what?
That almost felt like... Oh, come on.
976
01:10:21,967 --> 01:10:23,292
Oh, did it just get dark?
977
01:10:23,391 --> 01:10:27,345
Should we be intervening here?
I mean, we are losing a lot of employees.
978
01:10:27,445 --> 01:10:30,949
- Don't worry about it. It's mostly marketing.
- Okay, I'll just run an ad.
979
01:10:31,050 --> 01:10:33,055
You fucker.
980
01:10:33,520 --> 01:10:34,625
Take that.
981
01:10:34,725 --> 01:10:38,145
Are you trying to repel me
with a cross made of pencils?
982
01:10:38,957 --> 01:10:41,659
Still, a good manager knows
when his staff is getting overextended.
983
01:10:41,760 --> 01:10:44,831
Be a dear and call downstairs
for me, would you?
984
01:10:44,930 --> 01:10:47,216
Can I use your office?
This is just kind of flat out here.
985
01:10:47,315 --> 01:10:48,967
Yeah, feel free. Make yourself at home.
986
01:10:49,068 --> 01:10:52,505
I know you rigged the raffle to win
the office trip to Cabo this year.
987
01:10:52,604 --> 01:10:54,229
That trip was mine!
988
01:10:57,074 --> 01:10:59,927
You do not want to know
where that came from.
989
01:11:04,582 --> 01:11:07,287
Who am I gonna get to stock
the supply closet now?
990
01:11:07,787 --> 01:11:10,622
I'm not a vampire expert, asshole.
991
01:11:10,722 --> 01:11:12,292
Enough.
992
01:11:12,391 --> 01:11:15,828
I want my $20, and then you die.
993
01:11:15,927 --> 01:11:18,698
I'm saving it for something else.
994
01:11:28,972 --> 01:11:31,243
Why don't we ever go dancing?
995
01:11:31,342 --> 01:11:33,951
Monday night is salsa night
at Vida Loca.
996
01:11:38,615 --> 01:11:43,067
I hope you and your dickhead pals
enjoyed picking on poor Dave,
997
01:11:43,167 --> 01:11:48,027
because now my veins surge
with a thousand generations of death.
998
01:11:48,127 --> 01:11:53,265
My claws are like hammers,
my teeth are like swords!
999
01:11:53,364 --> 01:11:56,640
I am vengeance! And I am immortal!
1000
01:12:05,476 --> 01:12:07,313
I knew you were a good vampire.
1001
01:12:07,412 --> 01:12:11,122
I'm not a good vampire.
I just always hated Dave.
1002
01:12:14,051 --> 01:12:16,421
Well, what now, asshole?
1003
01:12:16,521 --> 01:12:19,395
Yeah, it looks like...
you're fresh out of friends.
1004
01:12:19,494 --> 01:12:21,411
Nah, I'll make more.
1005
01:12:22,631 --> 01:12:25,030
- That's a lot of blood!
- Yeah.
1006
01:12:25,131 --> 01:12:28,939
- Are you secure?
- Not in the slightest.
1007
01:12:29,969 --> 01:12:34,039
Fuck that NCAA pool. That was a bullshit
foul at the end of the UNC game.
1008
01:12:34,140 --> 01:12:35,207
Fucking Duke.
1009
01:12:35,306 --> 01:12:36,708
- You hungry?
- Yeah.
1010
01:12:36,809 --> 01:12:39,578
I can punch right into this thing.
It's hilarious.
1011
01:12:39,978 --> 01:12:41,096
Yeah!
1012
01:12:41,197 --> 01:12:44,337
Oh, honestly, guys...
1013
01:12:44,481 --> 01:12:47,052
did you really think
it was going to be that easy?
1014
01:12:47,153 --> 01:12:49,354
No, not at first, but then it...
1015
01:12:49,454 --> 01:12:52,011
- Once we got going, it was...
- Oh, come on!
1016
01:12:52,110 --> 01:12:56,363
You think I would attempt to take over
this company without consulting legal first?
1017
01:12:59,979 --> 01:13:01,954
Lawyers?
1018
01:13:06,136 --> 01:13:08,217
Amanda...
1019
01:13:08,318 --> 01:13:11,400
a private word with you
in my office please.
1020
01:13:16,659 --> 01:13:19,917
Amanda, where are you going?
1021
01:13:20,502 --> 01:13:22,921
I don't... I don't really know actually.
1022
01:13:23,021 --> 01:13:28,097
Remember when I did this to your girlfriend
in college without using supernatural powers?
1023
01:13:28,198 --> 01:13:31,296
I'm just saying why go pro when your school
has a chance at the Championships?
1024
01:13:31,396 --> 01:13:34,094
Run the risk of injury? No way.
You got to take the money and run.
1025
01:13:36,100 --> 01:13:40,453
Evan, you can go home for the day.
Frank, you can die.
1026
01:13:45,143 --> 01:13:48,314
It has been an honor and a pleasure
to serve with you, Colonel...
1027
01:13:48,413 --> 01:13:50,315
But it's time we parted ways.
1028
01:13:50,865 --> 01:13:54,752
Any-who, I'm going to turn you now.
I hope that's cool.
1029
01:13:54,853 --> 01:13:56,721
No, I don't want to be a vampire.
1030
01:13:57,021 --> 01:14:00,059
No, no, no, Frank.
They will... they will eat you alive.
1031
01:14:00,158 --> 01:14:02,228
Literally. Literally, literally.
1032
01:14:02,328 --> 01:14:05,360
Not the bullshit way most people use it.
1033
01:14:05,461 --> 01:14:08,148
You never know if you're the kind of guy
who'll jump on a grenade,
1034
01:14:08,247 --> 01:14:11,569
- till it lands at your feet.
- Man, that's intense.
1035
01:14:11,670 --> 01:14:14,774
Being a vampire is amazing.
We had a crazy vampire orgy last night
1036
01:14:14,873 --> 01:14:18,594
- It was mind-blowing.
- Yeah, but I just got some new golf clubs...
1037
01:14:18,694 --> 01:14:20,184
Thanks, Frank.
1038
01:14:20,283 --> 01:14:24,484
I'm going to recommend you for a meritorious
service medal when all this is over.
1039
01:14:24,585 --> 01:14:27,591
I'm not going to let you stake me so...
1040
01:14:29,787 --> 01:14:30,935
Some pickle?
1041
01:14:31,623 --> 01:14:35,632
Much obliged, sir.
Now go in there and kill our boss.
1042
01:14:41,332 --> 01:14:43,907
Come on! Come on!
1043
01:14:44,447 --> 01:14:47,957
Come on, get him! Get him!
1044
01:14:48,056 --> 01:14:52,112
Oh, hey, pal! I was just about to turn
your girl and fuck her on Ted's desk.
1045
01:14:53,311 --> 01:14:55,101
Sorry.
1046
01:14:55,547 --> 01:14:58,516
- My desk.
- Fucking dick.
1047
01:14:58,617 --> 01:15:01,804
Amanda, you need to focus on your job.
1048
01:15:01,904 --> 01:15:06,057
HR is going to be swamped
with all the new hires we're going to need.
1049
01:15:06,158 --> 01:15:08,027
Oh, let's just get this over with.
1050
01:15:08,127 --> 01:15:11,980
I'd rather die than listen to your
lame management style any longer.
1051
01:15:12,081 --> 01:15:16,484
My management style is effective.
And refreshing.
1052
01:15:16,835 --> 01:15:20,773
Okay, option seven,
you just eat like raccoons and stuff.
1053
01:15:20,872 --> 01:15:22,813
That is disgusting. No.
1054
01:15:24,876 --> 01:15:26,189
Evan...
1055
01:15:26,788 --> 01:15:28,648
do you remember
what I said we sell here?
1056
01:15:29,547 --> 01:15:32,784
- Dreams?
- Yeah, that was bullshit.
1057
01:15:32,885 --> 01:15:34,136
We sell fear.
1058
01:15:34,235 --> 01:15:38,657
Option eight, I don't turn you,
I just kill you.
1059
01:15:38,756 --> 01:15:40,993
No, that doesn't work for me,
'cause then I'm just dead.
1060
01:15:41,092 --> 01:15:43,662
Our customers are afraid.
1061
01:15:43,761 --> 01:15:49,006
Afraid that life is passing them by,
which to be fair, it is.
1062
01:15:49,567 --> 01:15:54,340
And that is why you
are perfect for this place.
1063
01:15:54,439 --> 01:15:58,801
Because you are a coward.
1064
01:16:00,912 --> 01:16:01,948
I'm sorry?
1065
01:16:02,448 --> 01:16:06,484
Okay, option nine, I let you go
but you have to promise not to kill anyone.
1066
01:16:06,585 --> 01:16:08,270
No way, man. A vamp's got to eat.
1067
01:16:08,369 --> 01:16:11,841
You were afraid to tell Amanda
that you love her because of why?
1068
01:16:12,091 --> 01:16:15,662
Because you work together?
Because she earns more than you?
1069
01:16:16,761 --> 01:16:20,359
Roshambo? Winner chooses our fate?
1070
01:16:22,166 --> 01:16:25,804
One, two, three, yes! Sorry.
1071
01:16:26,104 --> 01:16:30,391
You didn't even have the balls to quit
when this incompetent turd...
1072
01:16:30,692 --> 01:16:36,180
passed you over for the guy
you hate most on the face of the Earth.
1073
01:16:36,280 --> 01:16:38,956
You are so afraid of life.
1074
01:16:40,516 --> 01:16:44,804
That you actually want to be
sales manager in this shithole.
1075
01:16:44,904 --> 01:16:46,257
Mandy!
1076
01:16:46,358 --> 01:16:48,793
We are trying to have a conversation.
1077
01:16:50,189 --> 01:16:51,868
No!
1078
01:16:54,198 --> 01:16:57,177
- Well, two out of three?
- Yeah.
1079
01:16:57,278 --> 01:16:59,016
One, two, three.
1080
01:17:00,671 --> 01:17:03,876
I am not going to change you.
That's right.
1081
01:17:03,975 --> 01:17:09,414
I'll leave you alive and stuck
in this pathetic pointless job
1082
01:17:09,515 --> 01:17:12,890
from now, until the day you die.
1083
01:17:13,635 --> 01:17:15,748
This suit is bespoke.
1084
01:17:17,253 --> 01:17:19,324
One, two...
1085
01:17:19,425 --> 01:17:21,894
Sharing the desk with the photo printer,
1086
01:17:21,993 --> 01:17:26,966
while I stay young
with the woman you love,
1087
01:17:27,065 --> 01:17:29,961
immortal at my side.
1088
01:17:33,070 --> 01:17:35,613
I'd rather fucking die first.
1089
01:17:36,807 --> 01:17:40,109
Yeah, yeah, that's the way it works.
1090
01:17:52,190 --> 01:17:54,359
Holy shit!
1091
01:17:54,460 --> 01:17:56,627
I think I'm ready
to turn in my resignation.
1092
01:17:56,728 --> 01:17:58,368
Yeah.
1093
01:18:18,815 --> 01:18:21,895
You want this job? Then take it.
1094
01:18:23,588 --> 01:18:27,838
Die, you bloodsucking bastard!
1095
01:18:36,399 --> 01:18:38,475
Oh, shit.
1096
01:18:48,746 --> 01:18:52,847
Well, this is pretty much
the grossest thing I've ever seen.
1097
01:18:59,289 --> 01:19:02,065
I stand corrected.
1098
01:19:07,965 --> 01:19:08,989
Hey.
1099
01:19:11,368 --> 01:19:13,881
Is all this Max's blood?
1100
01:19:16,360 --> 01:19:19,444
Some of it's mine, some of it's Evan's.
1101
01:19:19,545 --> 01:19:20,585
Yeah.
1102
01:19:21,912 --> 01:19:23,686
Gross.
1103
01:19:24,015 --> 01:19:25,654
Yeah.
1104
01:19:26,417 --> 01:19:28,252
Hey, Frank?
1105
01:19:29,353 --> 01:19:31,662
Lost in the line of duty.
1106
01:19:32,556 --> 01:19:34,025
I really liked that guy.
1107
01:19:34,426 --> 01:19:36,761
Well, on the plus side, no more vamps.
1108
01:19:36,962 --> 01:19:38,601
Yeah.
1109
01:19:40,798 --> 01:19:42,247
Oh, hey...
1110
01:19:42,346 --> 01:19:44,962
another work day. Bitchin'.
1111
01:20:47,631 --> 01:20:51,537
- Is it weird that I'm hungry?
- Oh, I could eat.
1112
01:20:51,636 --> 01:20:55,740
- Where do you guys wanna go?
- Well, somewhere without blood on it.
1113
01:20:55,841 --> 01:20:58,146
That rules out Denny's.
1114
01:20:59,143 --> 01:21:01,141
Have a pizza.
1115
01:21:01,242 --> 01:21:03,327
Oh, shit.
1116
01:21:04,414 --> 01:21:06,518
Sorry, Mom. Are you still there?
1117
01:21:06,618 --> 01:21:08,753
Hey! Yeah.
1118
01:21:08,854 --> 01:21:11,958
No, you'll never guess
what happened at work.
1119
01:21:12,390 --> 01:21:15,198
Oh, you could hear it the whole time?
1120
01:21:32,676 --> 01:21:34,480
Bastardo!
1121
01:21:39,833 --> 01:21:43,104
Welcome to the team. My office in 10.
91757
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