Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:43,070 --> 00:00:52,200
>> I DON'T KNOW WHY CORONAVIRUS.
2
00:00:43,070 --> 00:00:52,200
THE LEFT CONTINUES THEIR
3
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,200
DISHONEST SMEAR CAMPAIGN AGAINST
4
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,200
TRUMP.
5
00:00:54,200 --> 00:01:05,219
HERE'S A VIDEO OF LOCAL LIBS TO
6
00:00:54,200 --> 00:01:05,219
BUY THE LAST BOTTLE OF ORGANIC
7
00:01:05,219 --> 00:01:10,269
PURELL
8
00:01:05,219 --> 00:01:10,269
IT'S INSANE.
9
00:01:10,269 --> 00:01:15,049
THE LEFT IS TRYING TO WHIP
10
00:01:10,269 --> 00:01:15,049
PEOPLE INTO A FEAR FRENZY OF
11
00:01:15,049 --> 00:01:16,200
LIES
12
00:01:15,049 --> 00:01:16,200
IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT.
13
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:23,260
IT'S OUR THING
14
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:23,260
CORE
15
00:01:23,260 --> 00:01:27,019
CORONAVIRUS IS AN URBAN LEGEND.
16
00:01:23,260 --> 00:01:27,019
YOU HAVE MUCH BIGGER THINGS TO
17
00:01:27,019 --> 00:01:30,189
WORRY ABOUT.
18
00:01:27,019 --> 00:01:30,189
TO HELP YOU CALM DOWN, HERE'S A
19
00:01:30,189 --> 00:01:35,259
LIST OF MUCH BIGGER THINGS TO
20
00:01:30,189 --> 00:01:35,259
WORRY ABOUT.
21
00:01:35,259 --> 00:01:37,219
WOMEN WHO KEEP THEIR MAIDEN
22
00:01:35,259 --> 00:01:37,219
NAMES.
23
00:01:37,219 --> 00:01:45,240
MONTY SORRY SCHOOLS.
24
00:01:37,219 --> 00:01:45,240
FAT BARBIES.
25
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:51,079
WHAT'S THE MAID SAY.
26
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:51,079
BLACKMARING BANDS, THEY'RE TOO
27
00:01:51,079 --> 00:01:53,090
GOOD
28
00:01:51,079 --> 00:01:53,090
AND HARRY STYLES
29
00:01:53,090 --> 00:01:57,060
WHAT'S HE DOING?
30
00:01:53,090 --> 00:01:57,060
WHO'S THAT FOR
31
00:01:57,060 --> 00:02:01,030
INSTEAD OF WASTING YOUR MONEY ON
32
00:01:57,060 --> 00:02:01,030
$300 SURGICAL MASKS.
33
00:02:01,030 --> 00:02:05,000
CONSIDER SUPPORTING MY EVER
34
00:02:01,030 --> 00:02:05,000
THINNING LIST OF SPONSORS.
35
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,280
LIKE DEER TANKS.
36
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,280
LET'S CHASE IT, SHOOTING DEER
37
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:15,159
TAKES TOO LONG
38
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:15,159
SEND BAMBI TO HELL WITH DEER
39
00:02:15,159 --> 00:02:21,180
TANKS.
40
00:02:15,159 --> 00:02:21,180
INDOOR HORNS
41
00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:25,039
AND WORD SEARCHES WITH RACIAL
42
00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:25,039
SLURS IN IT.
43
00:02:25,039 --> 00:02:29,099
YOU DIDN'T SAY IT, YOU JUST
44
00:02:25,039 --> 00:02:29,099
CIRCLED IT
45
00:02:29,099 --> 00:02:33,159
FOR MORE ON THIS LIBERAL FAN
46
00:02:29,099 --> 00:02:33,159
FICTION THAT IS THE CORONAVIRUS
47
00:02:33,159 --> 00:02:38,170
WE GO TO JUDGE JEANINE PIRRO
48
00:02:33,159 --> 00:02:38,170
>> GET RID OF THEM
49
00:02:38,170 --> 00:02:41,110
>> GET RID OF WHO?
50
00:02:38,170 --> 00:02:41,110
>> WHOEVER
51
00:02:41,110 --> 00:02:42,170
>> THANKS FOR JOINING US,
52
00:02:41,110 --> 00:02:42,170
JANINE
53
00:02:42,170 --> 00:02:46,060
SHOULD OUR VIEWERS BE DOING
54
00:02:42,170 --> 00:02:46,060
ANYTHING TO PREPARE FOR THE
55
00:02:46,060 --> 00:02:47,229
CORONAVIRUS?
56
00:02:46,060 --> 00:02:47,229
>> HELL, NO.
57
00:02:47,229 --> 00:02:52,219
AMERICANS ARE NOT AT RISK.
58
00:02:47,229 --> 00:02:52,219
ESPECIALLY NOT OUR VIEWERS, WHO
59
00:02:52,219 --> 00:02:56,180
SKEW ELDERLY, ARE IN BAD HEALTH.
60
00:02:52,219 --> 00:02:56,180
LIVE CLOISTERED TOGETHER IN
61
00:02:56,180 --> 00:02:59,030
HOMES SPECIFICALLY FOR SICK
62
00:02:56,180 --> 00:02:59,030
PEOPLE AND HAVE SMOKED THEIR
63
00:02:59,030 --> 00:03:03,289
ENTIRE LIVES
64
00:02:59,030 --> 00:03:03,289
>> SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE NOT TOO
65
00:03:03,289 --> 00:03:06,050
WORRIED.
66
00:03:03,289 --> 00:03:06,050
>> NOT ONE BIT
67
00:03:06,050 --> 00:03:10,090
SO DON'T GET IT TWISTED.
68
00:03:06,050 --> 00:03:10,090
IF YOU SEE ME AVOIDING CHINESE
69
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:14,020
RESTAURANTS, IT'S NOT BECAUSE
70
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:14,020
I'M SCARED, IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T
71
00:03:14,020 --> 00:03:17,250
TRUST THE CHINESE.
72
00:03:14,020 --> 00:03:17,250
A FORTUNE COOKIE ONCE TOLD ME TO
73
00:03:17,250 --> 00:03:22,000
LOWER MY VOICE
74
00:03:17,250 --> 00:03:22,000
BUT I'VE NEVER LOOKED BACK
75
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,000
>> ALL RIGHT, WELL, STAY SAFE
76
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,000
OUT THERE, JANINE.
77
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,150
>> NO NEED
78
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,150
ALCOHOL IS A DISINFECTANT, SO
79
00:03:27,150 --> 00:03:34,060
MAMA'S GONNA LIVE FOREVER.
80
00:03:27,150 --> 00:03:34,060
>> THANK YOU FOR THAT EXCELLENT
81
00:03:34,060 --> 00:03:36,039
REPORTING.
82
00:03:34,060 --> 00:03:36,039
>> WE GO NOW TO MEN ON THE
83
00:03:36,039 --> 00:03:39,159
INSIDE, DON JUNIOR AND ERIC
84
00:03:36,039 --> 00:03:39,159
TRUMP.
85
00:03:39,159 --> 00:03:41,159
>> HI, LAURA, DID YOU GET MY
86
00:03:39,159 --> 00:03:41,159
VALENTINE?
87
00:03:41,159 --> 00:03:46,270
>> PASS.
88
00:03:41,159 --> 00:03:46,270
NOW, WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT
89
00:03:46,270 --> 00:03:49,170
THE PRESIDENT'S RESPONSE TO THE
90
00:03:46,270 --> 00:03:49,170
VIRUS?
91
00:03:49,170 --> 00:03:54,079
>> LAURA, OUR FATHER HAS
92
00:03:49,170 --> 00:03:54,079
EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL
93
00:03:54,079 --> 00:03:58,259
YOU KNOW, DEMOCRATS WOULD LOVE
94
00:03:54,079 --> 00:03:58,259
FOR PEOPLE TO GET SICK SO THEY
95
00:03:58,259 --> 00:04:03,139
CAN USE IT TO THEIR ADVANTAGE.
96
00:03:58,259 --> 00:04:03,139
LIKE HOW WE GIVE ERIC RAW
97
00:04:03,139 --> 00:04:06,240
CHICKEN SO HE MISSES IMPORTANT
98
00:04:03,139 --> 00:04:06,240
MEETINGS
99
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:10,280
>> I LOVE MY PINK NUGGETS.
100
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:10,280
>> THAT'S GREAT, BUDDY
101
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:14,120
>> LAURA, THE LIBS THINK THEY
102
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:14,120
CAN SPIN THIS TO HURT OUR
103
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,009
FATHER
104
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,009
BUT IF THERE'S ANYTHING MY DAD'S
105
00:04:17,009 --> 00:04:22,120
ON TOP OF, IT'S THE TOILET
106
00:04:17,009 --> 00:04:22,120
>> NO, THIS CRISIS
107
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:28,040
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE ANSWERS,
108
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:28,040
BUDDY, I GOT IT.
109
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:34,159
>> THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS,
110
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:34,159
AMERICANS ARE PERFECTLY SAFE,
111
00:04:34,159 --> 00:04:39,110
IT'S LIKE OUR DAD ALWAYS SAYS.
112
00:04:34,159 --> 00:04:39,110
>> THE N WORD?
113
00:04:39,110 --> 00:04:40,170
>> NO.
114
00:04:39,110 --> 00:04:40,170
NO
115
00:04:40,170 --> 00:04:44,240
ONLY DURING SONGS, BUDDY
116
00:04:40,170 --> 00:04:44,240
>> OKAY.
117
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,290
>> DIDN'T WE BRING YOU A TOY OR
118
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,290
SOMETHING YOU CAN PLAY WITH?
119
00:04:46,290 --> 00:04:50,199
>> YEAH, MY BEEPY TOY.
120
00:04:46,290 --> 00:04:50,199
>> THAT'S A THERMOMETER, IT ONLY
121
00:04:50,199 --> 00:04:55,259
BEEPS IF YOU HAVE A --
122
00:04:50,199 --> 00:04:55,259
>> 104
123
00:04:55,259 --> 00:05:01,019
BUDDY, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?
124
00:04:55,259 --> 00:05:01,019
>> THE PARK.
125
00:05:01,019 --> 00:05:03,240
>> WE GOT TO GO, LAURA
126
00:05:01,019 --> 00:05:03,240
>> ALL RIGHT, THANKS FOR JOINING
127
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:08,050
US
128
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:08,050
>> I'M A FATHER.
129
00:05:08,050 --> 00:05:12,269
>> RIGHT, NOW, FRESH OFF GETTING
130
00:05:08,050 --> 00:05:12,269
THE VEGAN LEATHER BOOT AT MSNBC
131
00:05:12,269 --> 00:05:16,250
FOR THE HIGH CRIME OF GIVING A
132
00:05:12,269 --> 00:05:16,250
GIRL A COMPLIMENT, I'D LIKE TO
133
00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:26,009
WELCOME OUR NEWEST FOX NEWS
134
00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:26,009
ANCHOR, CHRIS MATTHEWS
135
00:05:26,009 --> 00:05:27,149
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
136
00:05:26,009 --> 00:05:27,149
>> WELCOME BACK TO "HARDBALL"
137
00:05:27,149 --> 00:05:32,000
I'M CHRIS MATTHEWS
138
00:05:27,149 --> 00:05:32,000
TONIGHT MY GUEST IS LAURA, A
139
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:36,000
SPOOKY BLONDE LADY WHO LIES TO
140
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:36,000
THE ELDERLY.
141
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,259
HA
142
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,259
>> CHRIS, NO, YOU'RE ON MY SHOW.
143
00:05:37,259 --> 00:05:40,209
>> I FORGOT, FORCE OF HABIT,
144
00:05:37,259 --> 00:05:40,209
MAYBE I'LL GET IN TROUBLE FOR
145
00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:44,060
SAYING THIS, YOU LOOK GREAT.
146
00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:44,060
>> CHRIS, YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER
147
00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:48,159
YOU WANT, IT'S FOX
148
00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:48,159
>> OH, MY GOD, THE PLACE IS
149
00:05:48,159 --> 00:05:49,139
AMAZING, EVERYONE HERE IS HOT,
150
00:05:48,159 --> 00:05:49,139
CRAZY OR BOTH.
151
00:05:49,139 --> 00:05:54,090
>> YEAH.
152
00:05:49,139 --> 00:05:54,090
NOW YOU RESIGNED AFTER RECENT
153
00:05:54,090 --> 00:05:58,149
NONSCANDALS LIKE COMPARING
154
00:05:54,090 --> 00:05:58,149
BERNIE SANDERS TO HITLER
155
00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:01,279
HOW DO YOU RESPOND
156
00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:01,279
YOU CAN PUT IT AS CRAZY AS YOU
157
00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:04,129
WANT TO.
158
00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:04,129
>> HERE IT GOES.
159
00:06:04,129 --> 00:06:08,050
THE RACE IS DOWN TO HITLER AND
160
00:06:04,129 --> 00:06:08,050
AN ICE CREAM CONE TO SEE WHO CAN
161
00:06:08,050 --> 00:06:13,160
BEAT THE MICHELIN MAN.
162
00:06:08,050 --> 00:06:13,160
BACK TO YOU, GIRL HITLER
163
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:18,269
>> WELCOME HOME.
164
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:18,269
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US
165
00:06:18,269 --> 00:06:22,110
>> HABADAHABA.
166
00:06:18,269 --> 00:06:22,110
>>> NOW A CELEBRITY INTERVIEW
167
00:06:22,110 --> 00:06:26,079
BROUGHT TO YOU BY OUR AMAZING
168
00:06:22,110 --> 00:06:26,079
SPONSORS
169
00:06:26,079 --> 00:06:31,089
LIKE MESH PILLOW, YOUR GREEDY
170
00:06:26,079 --> 00:06:31,089
KIDS CAN'T SMOTHER YOU WITH MESH
171
00:06:31,089 --> 00:06:37,139
PILLOWS.
172
00:06:31,089 --> 00:06:37,139
AND FOR ANYONE LOOKING TO MAKE
173
00:06:37,139 --> 00:06:45,019
CASH, FAKE PURELL, IT'S LUBE IN
174
00:06:37,139 --> 00:06:45,019
A PURELL BOTTLE.
175
00:06:45,019 --> 00:06:50,090
AND NOW, THE WOMAN WHO SAVAGED
176
00:06:45,019 --> 00:06:50,090
MURDERED MICHAEL BLOOMBERG ON
177
00:06:50,090 --> 00:06:58,250
LIVE TELEVISION, PLEASE WELCOME
178
00:06:50,090 --> 00:06:58,250
SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN
179
00:06:58,250 --> 00:07:05,259
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
180
00:06:58,250 --> 00:07:05,259
>> HI, LAURA, THANKS FOR HAVING
181
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:10,189
ME
182
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:10,189
>> HOW HAVE YOU BEEN SINCE
183
00:07:10,189 --> 00:07:12,160
DROPPING OUT OF THE RACE
184
00:07:10,189 --> 00:07:12,160
>> YOU KNOW, I'M DOING JUST
185
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,089
FINE
186
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,089
MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY HAVE BEEN
187
00:07:14,089 --> 00:07:19,180
SO SUPPORTIVE, THEY'VE BEEN
188
00:07:14,089 --> 00:07:19,180
CALLING NONSTOP, ASKING, ARE YOU
189
00:07:19,180 --> 00:07:21,040
OKAY
190
00:07:19,180 --> 00:07:21,040
WHAT DO YOU NEED
191
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:27,019
WERE YOU ELECTABLE
192
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:27,019
>> WELL, YOU CERTAINLY RAN A
193
00:07:27,019 --> 00:07:28,170
MEMORABLE CAMPAIGN
194
00:07:27,019 --> 00:07:28,170
HERE'S FOOTAGE OF YOU DEBATING
195
00:07:28,170 --> 00:07:36,220
MIKE BLOOMBERG
196
00:07:28,170 --> 00:07:36,220
>> VERY GOOD
197
00:07:36,220 --> 00:07:39,290
>> AND JUST TO BE CLEAR, WERE
198
00:07:36,220 --> 00:07:39,290
YOU THE DOG OR THE BURRITO
199
00:07:39,290 --> 00:07:50,100
>> I WAS THE DOG
200
00:07:39,290 --> 00:07:50,100
>> GOT IT.
201
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:52,220
SO YOU'RE NOT ENDORSING ANYONE
202
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:52,220
YET?
203
00:07:52,220 --> 00:07:56,090
>> WELL, IT'S TOUGH.
204
00:07:52,220 --> 00:07:56,090
MAYBE I'LL JUST PULL A "NEW YORK
205
00:07:56,090 --> 00:08:00,199
TIMES" AND ENDORSE THEM BOTH
206
00:07:56,090 --> 00:08:00,199
>> WELL, NOW THAT YOU'RE DONE
207
00:08:00,199 --> 00:08:01,139
CAMPAIGNING, DO YOU HAVE ANY
208
00:08:00,199 --> 00:08:01,139
REGRETS?
209
00:08:01,139 --> 00:08:06,079
>> NOT AT ALL.
210
00:08:01,139 --> 00:08:06,079
I'M SO PROUD OF OUR CAMPAIGN
211
00:08:06,079 --> 00:08:11,019
WE BUILT A WIDE COALITION OF
212
00:08:06,079 --> 00:08:11,019
TEACHERS, PRESCHOOL TEACHERS,
213
00:08:11,019 --> 00:08:15,040
MIDDLE SCHOOLTEACHERS, AND
214
00:08:11,019 --> 00:08:15,040
TEACHERS PETS.
215
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:19,060
AND NOT ONLY DID I NOT ACCEPT
216
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:19,060
MONEY FROM BILLIONAIRES, I GOT
217
00:08:19,060 --> 00:08:28,069
TO GIVE ONE A SWALLEY ON LIVE
218
00:08:19,060 --> 00:08:28,069
TV
219
00:08:28,069 --> 00:08:31,040
BUT NOW I GOT TIME TO DO A
220
00:08:28,069 --> 00:08:31,040
LITTLE SELF-CARE
221
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:35,169
HANGING OUT WITH MY DOG BAILEY,
222
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:35,169
PRANK CALLING BIG BANKS.
223
00:08:35,169 --> 00:08:40,190
DRAG RACING SUBARUS.
224
00:08:35,169 --> 00:08:40,190
AVOIDING TWITTER
225
00:08:40,190 --> 00:08:45,250
AND BEFORE I GO, I WANT TO THANK
226
00:08:40,190 --> 00:08:45,250
MY SUPPORTERS AND SAY ONE LAST
227
00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:53,200
THING.
228
00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:53,200
>> HI THERE, HOW ARE YOU
229
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:58,210
>> SORRY, I JUST -- I WANTED TO
230
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:58,210
PUT ON MY FAVORITE OUTFIT TO
231
00:08:58,210 --> 00:09:02,210
THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU'VE
232
00:08:58,210 --> 00:09:02,210
DONE IN YOUR LIFETIME.
233
00:09:02,210 --> 00:09:06,019
>> I'M NOT DEAD, I'M JUST IN THE
234
00:09:02,210 --> 00:09:06,019
SENATE.
235
00:09:06,019 --> 00:09:08,279
>> OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
236
00:09:06,019 --> 00:09:08,279
SO LET'S STAY IN THE SPOT.
237
00:09:08,279 --> 00:09:10,179
AND LET'S DO THIS.
238
00:09:08,279 --> 00:09:10,179
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
239
00:09:10,179 --> 00:09:15,179
SATURDAY NIGHT
240
00:09:10,179 --> 00:09:15,179
SATURDAY NIGHT
241
00:09:15,179 --> 00:09:19,220
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
242
00:09:15,179 --> 00:09:19,220
♪
243
00:09:19,220 --> 00:09:23,250
>> Announcer: IT'S
244
00:09:19,220 --> 00:09:23,250
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!"
245
00:09:23,250 --> 00:09:27,029
WITH -
246
00:10:32,129 --> 00:10:36,159
FEATURING --
247
00:10:49,059 --> 00:10:58,279
MUSICAL GUEST --
248
00:10:49,059 --> 00:10:58,279
THE WEEKND AND YOUR HOST -
249
00:10:58,279 --> 00:11:02,009
DANIEL CRAIG ♪
250
00:10:58,279 --> 00:11:02,009
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -
251
00:11:02,009 --> 00:11:06,019
DANIEL CRAIG
252
00:11:11,029 --> 00:11:20,129
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
253
00:11:11,029 --> 00:11:20,129
♪
254
00:11:20,129 --> 00:11:24,169
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
255
00:11:20,129 --> 00:11:24,169
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK
256
00:11:24,169 --> 00:11:27,139
YOU.
257
00:11:24,169 --> 00:11:27,139
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
258
00:11:27,139 --> 00:11:36,250
IT'S JUST LOVELY TO BE HOSTING
259
00:11:27,139 --> 00:11:36,250
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
260
00:11:36,250 --> 00:11:39,139
I HOSTED EIGHT YEARS AGO, AND MY
261
00:11:36,250 --> 00:11:39,139
LIFE IS VERY DIFFERENT NOW
262
00:11:39,139 --> 00:11:44,179
I MOVED TO NEW YORK.
263
00:11:39,139 --> 00:11:44,179
WHEN PEOPLE SAY TO ME, WHERE
264
00:11:44,179 --> 00:11:47,019
BROOKLYN AT?
265
00:11:44,179 --> 00:11:47,019
I CAN TELL THEM, IT'S OVER THE
266
00:11:47,019 --> 00:11:49,000
BROOKLYN BRIDGE OR THE MANHATTAN
267
00:11:47,019 --> 00:11:49,000
BRIDGE, DEPENDING ON THE
268
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:55,080
TRAFFIC.
269
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:55,080
EVERYONE ASSUMES BECAUSE I PLAY
270
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:58,210
JAMES BOND I'M THIS SUAVE
271
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:58,210
SOPHISTICATED GUY.
272
00:11:58,210 --> 00:12:04,129
I HAVE TO ADMIT, I AM.
273
00:11:58,210 --> 00:12:04,129
I MEAN, I'M JAMES BOND
274
00:12:04,129 --> 00:12:06,269
I KNOW ENGLISH PEOPLE ARE
275
00:12:04,129 --> 00:12:06,269
HUMBLE
276
00:12:06,269 --> 00:12:11,250
OH, I'M JUST A NERD.
277
00:12:06,269 --> 00:12:11,250
I'M NOT A NERD
278
00:12:11,250 --> 00:12:15,269
YOU'RE A NERD.
279
00:12:11,250 --> 00:12:15,269
NOW, THIS NEXT JAMES BOND FILM
280
00:12:15,269 --> 00:12:18,120
IS GOING TO BE MY LAST
281
00:12:15,269 --> 00:12:18,120
BUT IT'S GOING TO BE ONE OF THE
282
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:25,190
BEST, BECAUSE WELL, WE HAVE
283
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:25,190
PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE FROM
284
00:12:25,190 --> 00:12:27,139
"FLEABAG" TO HELP WITH SOME OF
285
00:12:25,190 --> 00:12:27,139
THE DIALOGUE
286
00:12:27,139 --> 00:12:31,029
IT'S NOT GOING TO BE THAT
287
00:12:27,139 --> 00:12:31,029
DIFFERENT, BUT EVERY SO OFTEN I
288
00:12:31,029 --> 00:12:33,259
WILL TURN TO THE CAMERA AND SAY,
289
00:12:31,029 --> 00:12:33,259
THE NAME'S BOND.
290
00:12:33,259 --> 00:12:42,159
JAMES BOND
291
00:12:33,259 --> 00:12:42,159
IS IT BAD THAT I FANCY THE POPE.
292
00:12:42,159 --> 00:12:46,080
YOU ALSO MAY HAVE HEARD THE
293
00:12:42,159 --> 00:12:46,080
RELEASE OF THE FILM HAS BEEN
294
00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,279
DELAYED DUE TO PUBLIC HEALTH
295
00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,279
CONCERNS
296
00:12:48,279 --> 00:12:52,009
THERE'S THIS SCENE THAT'S MY
297
00:12:48,279 --> 00:12:52,009
FAVORITE AND THE PRODUCERS HAVE
298
00:12:52,009 --> 00:12:54,169
BEEN KIND ENOUGH TO LET ME SHOW
299
00:12:52,009 --> 00:12:54,169
IT TONIGHT
300
00:12:54,169 --> 00:13:06,240
SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK
301
00:12:54,169 --> 00:13:06,240
♪
302
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:11,179
>> CRAPS
303
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:11,179
I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOUR GAME WAS
304
00:13:11,179 --> 00:13:18,120
STEALING STATE SECRETS
305
00:13:11,179 --> 00:13:18,120
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME,
306
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,279
JAMES?
307
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,279
MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR
308
00:13:21,279 --> 00:13:23,269
FAVOR?
309
00:13:21,279 --> 00:13:23,269
>> MAYBE I'LL BE LUCKY
310
00:13:23,269 --> 00:13:29,190
NOW, WHERE'S YOUR BOSS
311
00:13:23,269 --> 00:13:29,190
>> SEVEN, WINNER
312
00:13:29,190 --> 00:13:33,070
>> REALLY?
313
00:13:29,190 --> 00:13:33,070
I JUST ROLLED A SEVEN.
314
00:13:33,070 --> 00:13:39,039
>> WHAT MAKES YOU THINK --
315
00:13:33,070 --> 00:13:39,039
>> WELL, THAT'S SIMPLE MY
316
00:13:39,039 --> 00:13:41,100
DARLING.
317
00:13:39,039 --> 00:13:41,100
>> I'M 00 --
318
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:43,250
>> 7
319
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:43,250
>> HOT HAND AT THE TABLE FOLKS,
320
00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:50,110
PLACE YOUR BETS.
321
00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:50,110
>> KEEP IT UP, MY ASS IS IN THE
322
00:13:50,110 --> 00:13:51,279
HOLE
323
00:13:50,110 --> 00:13:51,279
>> DON'T LOSE IT, MY WIFE'S
324
00:13:51,279 --> 00:13:54,129
GOING TO KILL ME
325
00:13:51,279 --> 00:13:54,129
WHO CARES, IT'S MY MONEY
326
00:13:54,129 --> 00:14:00,110
>> WHAT DO I DO NOW?
327
00:13:54,129 --> 00:14:00,110
>> OKAY, I CAN'T BELIEVE MY
328
00:14:00,110 --> 00:14:03,210
HEART IS BEATING SO FAST
329
00:14:00,110 --> 00:14:03,210
THIS IS JUST LIKE -- GIVE ME AN
330
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:09,190
8, GIVE ME AN 8, GIVE ME AN 8.
331
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:09,190
6-2, EASY 8.
332
00:14:09,190 --> 00:14:16,019
>> YOU SIR, YOU, YOU
333
00:14:09,190 --> 00:14:16,019
YOU, SIR YOU, YOU, YOU
334
00:14:16,019 --> 00:14:17,120
IT'S SO EXCITING
335
00:14:16,019 --> 00:14:17,120
WHAT DO I DO NOW
336
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:23,059
>> IT DEPENDS.
337
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:23,059
>> RIGHT NOW IS DON'T ROLL A
338
00:14:23,059 --> 00:14:27,039
SEVEN.
339
00:14:23,059 --> 00:14:27,039
>> CAN I GET A VODKA MARTINI
340
00:14:27,039 --> 00:14:33,110
SHAKEN
341
00:14:27,039 --> 00:14:33,110
CAN I GET A VODKA AND RED BULL
342
00:14:33,110 --> 00:14:42,080
PINT GLASS PLEASE?
343
00:14:33,110 --> 00:14:42,080
>> WE GOT A SIX.
344
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,279
>> LET'S PUT ALL OUR CHIPS ON
345
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,279
HARD 4
346
00:14:44,279 --> 00:14:50,019
>> LET'S DO IT, HARD 4
347
00:14:44,279 --> 00:14:50,019
HARD 4
348
00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:53,159
>> I'LL MEET YOU UP THERE.
349
00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:53,159
>> IF I ROLL A HARD FOUR
350
00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:59,000
YOU BETTER CALL ME SIMBA,
351
00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:59,000
BECAUSE I AM THE GREATEST.
352
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:06,190
>> 2 AND 2 MAKES 4 THE HARD WAY.
353
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:06,190
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
354
00:15:06,190 --> 00:15:20,129
WHAT, I DID IT
355
00:15:06,190 --> 00:15:20,129
>> MY BOSS --
356
00:15:20,129 --> 00:15:22,090
>> COOL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I
357
00:15:20,129 --> 00:15:22,090
HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE
358
00:15:22,090 --> 00:15:26,100
I'M BUZZED
359
00:15:22,090 --> 00:15:26,100
>> OKAY, OKAY.
360
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:31,120
WHAT DO I ROLE NOW
361
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:31,120
>> SNAKE EYES.
362
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:37,240
>> OH, YOU JOKE, SNAKE EYES.
363
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:37,240
>> TAKE A LOOK AT THESE SNAKE
364
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:41,259
EYES
365
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:41,259
>> OH, SNAKE EYES.
366
00:15:41,259 --> 00:15:53,000
>> IT SEEMS MR. BOND YOUR LUCK
367
00:15:41,259 --> 00:15:53,000
HAS RUN OUT.
368
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:57,019
>> WELL PLAYED BOND.
369
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:57,019
EVERYONE ALL RIGHT
370
00:15:57,019 --> 00:16:00,159
>> YEAH, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU
371
00:15:57,019 --> 00:16:00,159
JUST ROLLED SNAKE EYES
372
00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:10,070
♪
373
00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:10,070
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
374
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:14,019
>> WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW.
375
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:14,019
THE WEEKND IS HERE
376
00:16:14,019 --> 00:16:18,250
SO STICK AROUND.
377
00:16:14,019 --> 00:16:18,250
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, THANK YOU
378
00:16:18,250 --> 00:16:26,080
[ CHEERS AND AUSE PPLA
379
00:16:18,250 --> 00:16:26,080
♪
380
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:30,240
♪
381
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:30,240
♪ THE SANDS OF MODESTO
382
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,269
>>> WITH THE OUTBREAK OF
383
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,269
COVID-19, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE
384
00:16:33,269 --> 00:16:39,059
CORONAVIRUS, THE PRODUCERS OF
385
00:16:33,269 --> 00:16:39,059
TODAY'S EPISODE OF THE SANDS OF
386
00:16:39,059 --> 00:16:43,120
MODESTO WOULD LIKE TO REMIND
387
00:16:39,059 --> 00:16:43,120
VIEWERS THAT THE STAGING OF
388
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:47,179
CERTAIN SCENES HAVE BEEN ALTERED
389
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:47,179
FOR THE ACTORS' SAFETY
390
00:16:47,179 --> 00:16:51,070
♪ THE SANDS OF MODESTO
391
00:16:47,179 --> 00:16:51,070
>> THANK YOU, TYRELLE.
392
00:16:51,070 --> 00:16:53,279
MY FACE LOOKS AMAZING
393
00:16:51,070 --> 00:16:53,279
I THINK I'M READY FOR THE
394
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:55,279
BENEFIT
395
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:55,279
WELL I AM THE BEST MAKEUP
396
00:16:55,279 --> 00:17:04,250
ARTIST IN MODESTO
397
00:16:55,279 --> 00:17:04,250
LET ME JUST PUT SOME LIP GLOSS
398
00:17:04,250 --> 00:17:07,250
ALL RIGHT.
399
00:17:04,250 --> 00:17:07,250
YOU'RE READY DEBRANIKE
400
00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:11,210
I'M SORRY TO BE PERSONAL, BUT
401
00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:11,210
MAY I ASK YOU A QUESTION
402
00:17:11,210 --> 00:17:17,099
DOES A COCKATOO LIVE HERE?
403
00:17:11,210 --> 00:17:17,099
♪
404
00:17:17,099 --> 00:17:22,190
>> NO, NOT ANY MORE.
405
00:17:17,099 --> 00:17:22,190
THE COCKATOO FLEW SO FAR, FAR
406
00:17:22,190 --> 00:17:24,259
AWAY
407
00:17:22,190 --> 00:17:24,259
>> GOOD.
408
00:17:24,259 --> 00:17:27,289
THAT EXPLAINS IT
409
00:17:24,259 --> 00:17:27,289
THEN I'LL TAKE MY LEAVE.
410
00:17:27,289 --> 00:17:30,160
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
411
00:17:27,289 --> 00:17:30,160
>> THANK YOU, TYRELLE.
412
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,029
[ PHONE RINGING
413
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,029
OH, EXCUSE ME.
414
00:17:32,029 --> 00:17:40,279
I THINK I HAVE A CALL.
415
00:17:32,029 --> 00:17:40,279
HELLO?
416
00:17:40,279 --> 00:17:44,160
MY GOD, REALLY
417
00:17:40,279 --> 00:17:44,160
WELL, WHERE IS SHE
418
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:51,099
HERE
419
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:51,099
WELL, I CAN'T SEE.
420
00:17:51,099 --> 00:17:54,289
[ DOOR BELL RINGING
421
00:17:51,099 --> 00:17:54,289
>> COMING.
422
00:17:54,289 --> 00:18:00,039
ON MY WAY.
423
00:17:54,289 --> 00:18:00,039
STACIA
424
00:18:00,039 --> 00:18:03,230
>> HELLO, MOTHER
425
00:18:00,039 --> 00:18:03,230
>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE KILLED IN
426
00:18:03,230 --> 00:18:06,109
THAT PLANE CRASH
427
00:18:03,230 --> 00:18:06,109
>> THAT'S WHAT I WAS TOLD.
428
00:18:06,109 --> 00:18:15,089
BUT I'M ALIVE.
429
00:18:06,109 --> 00:18:15,089
>> OH, COME, LET ME HOLD YOUR
430
00:18:15,089 --> 00:18:19,099
FACE, MY DARLING
431
00:18:15,089 --> 00:18:19,099
I NEVER WANT TO LET GO OF YOU.
432
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:21,259
>> DON'T, MOTHER, DON'T EVER LET
433
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:21,259
ME GO.
434
00:18:21,259 --> 00:18:25,240
HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU GET
435
00:18:21,259 --> 00:18:25,240
BACK
436
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:34,000
>> WELL, I HAD THE HELP OF A
437
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:34,000
FRIEND
438
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:37,029
>> DEBRANIKE
439
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:37,029
>> LEAF CHILDERS
440
00:18:37,029 --> 00:18:43,240
>> IT'S BEEN QUITE A LONG TIME
441
00:18:37,029 --> 00:18:43,240
YOU REMEMBER CHARLES
442
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:49,119
>> HELLO, CHARLES.
443
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:49,119
>> LEAF, I THOUGHT YOU LEFT TO
444
00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:52,009
BECOME A PRIEST?
445
00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:52,009
>> YES, BUT I COULDN'T DO IT
446
00:18:52,009 --> 00:18:54,029
THE NO SEX PART.
447
00:18:52,009 --> 00:18:54,029
ALSO, HAVE YOU READ THE BIBLE,
448
00:18:54,029 --> 00:18:57,220
IT'S KIND OF WEIRD
449
00:18:54,029 --> 00:18:57,220
THE TRUTH IS, I COULDN'T STOP
450
00:18:57,220 --> 00:19:01,160
THINKING ABOUT YOU
451
00:18:57,220 --> 00:19:01,160
>> I'LL GIVE YOU TWO A MOMENT.
452
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:02,029
MOTHER
453
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:02,029
ONE MORE EMBRACE
454
00:19:02,029 --> 00:19:08,059
>> OH.
455
00:19:02,029 --> 00:19:08,059
OF COURSE.
456
00:19:08,059 --> 00:19:12,059
>> I'LL ADMIT THIS IS QUITE A
457
00:19:08,059 --> 00:19:12,059
SURPRISE
458
00:19:12,059 --> 00:19:14,079
SANDS OF MODESTO SHIFT IN
459
00:19:12,059 --> 00:19:14,079
UNPREDICTABLE WAYS
460
00:19:14,079 --> 00:19:17,269
>> INDEED THEY DO.
461
00:19:14,079 --> 00:19:17,269
PLEASE, JOIN ME ON THE COUCH
462
00:19:17,269 --> 00:19:25,000
LET'S GET REACQUAINTED
463
00:19:17,269 --> 00:19:25,000
EXCUSE US, CHARLES
464
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:34,059
>> SEE, ISN'T THAT BETTER?
465
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:34,059
>> BEING THIS CLOSE TO YOU HAS
466
00:19:34,059 --> 00:19:37,089
BROUGHT BACK SO MANY FEELINGS.
467
00:19:34,059 --> 00:19:37,089
>> WELL, WHY FIGHT THEM.
468
00:19:37,089 --> 00:19:40,230
REMEMBER HOW I USED TO STROKE
469
00:19:37,089 --> 00:19:40,230
YOUR HAIR?
470
00:19:40,230 --> 00:19:47,049
>> I NEVER FORGOT THAT FOR A
471
00:19:40,230 --> 00:19:47,049
SECOND
472
00:19:47,049 --> 00:19:55,099
>> YOU'RE A GORGEOUS MAN
473
00:19:47,049 --> 00:19:55,099
I MISS TOUCH
474
00:19:55,099 --> 00:19:58,109
OH, LEAF I CAN'T HELP IT, I WANT
475
00:19:55,099 --> 00:19:58,109
TO KISS YOU.
476
00:19:58,109 --> 00:20:01,019
>> WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
477
00:19:58,109 --> 00:20:01,019
COME DARLING, WE CAN'T DENY IT
478
00:20:01,019 --> 00:20:03,019
ANY LONGER
479
00:20:01,019 --> 00:20:03,019
>> THEN KISS ME.
480
00:20:03,019 --> 00:20:08,220
KISS ME NOW.
481
00:20:03,019 --> 00:20:08,220
>> IT'S ALL I'VE EVER WANTED TO
482
00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:14,200
DO
483
00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:14,200
[ LAUGHTER ]
484
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:18,250
>> YOUR KISSES TASTE JUST LIKE I
485
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:18,250
REMEMBER
486
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:22,289
>> TAKE ME
487
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:22,289
TAKE ME THEN
488
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:27,029
PLEASE
489
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:27,029
YES, YES
490
00:20:27,029 --> 00:20:34,269
YES!
491
00:20:27,029 --> 00:20:34,269
>> I FEEL WE WILL MELT INTO ONE.
492
00:20:34,269 --> 00:20:40,109
>> DEBRANIKE, WHAT THE HELL ARE
493
00:20:34,269 --> 00:20:40,109
YOU DOING?
494
00:20:40,109 --> 00:20:41,130
>> VICTANIA.
495
00:20:40,109 --> 00:20:41,130
HOW DID YOU FIND US?
496
00:20:41,130 --> 00:20:44,000
>> YOU THINK IF MY EX-HUSBAND
497
00:20:41,130 --> 00:20:44,000
CAME BACK, I WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT
498
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,190
IT
499
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,190
BITCH, THIS IS MODESTO
500
00:20:47,190 --> 00:20:50,069
>> SO IT IS.
501
00:20:47,190 --> 00:20:50,069
AND PERHAPS IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH
502
00:20:50,069 --> 00:20:58,160
FOR THE BOTH OF US
503
00:20:50,069 --> 00:20:58,160
>> YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT
504
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:05,130
>> YOU CRAZY SLUT.
505
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:05,130
[ LAUGHTER ]
506
00:21:05,130 --> 00:21:10,109
GET OFF ME
507
00:21:05,130 --> 00:21:10,109
>> OH, GOD
508
00:21:10,109 --> 00:21:15,039
>> I'M SORRY, I OVER REACTED
509
00:21:10,109 --> 00:21:15,039
I NEVER THOUGHT --
510
00:21:15,039 --> 00:21:33,160
>> OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
511
00:21:15,039 --> 00:21:33,160
♪ THE SANDS OF MODESTO
512
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:38,009
♪
513
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:38,009
♪ OUT DRINKIN
514
00:21:38,009 --> 00:21:40,039
WITH MY BOYS LATE NIGH
515
00:21:38,009 --> 00:21:40,039
COME HOME TO
516
00:21:40,039 --> 00:21:42,220
MY LADY PAST MIDNIGHT ♪
517
00:21:40,039 --> 00:21:42,220
♪ SHE'S WAITING U
518
00:21:42,220 --> 00:21:45,099
SHE THROWING ME SHAD
519
00:21:42,220 --> 00:21:45,099
WE HAVING WORD
520
00:21:45,099 --> 00:21:47,130
THIS IS WHAT SHE SAYS ♪
521
00:21:45,099 --> 00:21:47,130
♪ SHE SAID I'M OUT TOO LATE
522
00:21:47,130 --> 00:21:50,000
SHE PUSHED ME AWAY
523
00:21:47,130 --> 00:21:50,000
THERE AIN'T NOTHING IN
524
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:54,200
THE WORLD THAT I CAN SAY ♪
525
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:54,200
♪ SO I'M SLEEPING
526
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:58,079
ON THE COUCH TONIGHT
527
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:58,079
SHE GOT ME
528
00:21:58,079 --> 00:22:01,099
ON THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪
529
00:21:58,079 --> 00:22:01,099
♪ NOW I'M SLEEPIN
530
00:22:01,099 --> 00:22:05,150
ON THE COUCH TONIGHT
531
00:22:01,099 --> 00:22:05,150
I'M SLEEPING
532
00:22:05,150 --> 00:22:07,009
ON THE COUCH ♪
533
00:22:05,150 --> 00:22:07,009
♪ WORKING LAT
534
00:22:07,009 --> 00:22:11,059
MAKING PAPER
535
00:22:07,009 --> 00:22:11,059
HITTING DEADLINE ♪
536
00:22:11,059 --> 00:22:13,079
♪ COMING HOME
537
00:22:11,059 --> 00:22:13,079
I WAS STROLLIN
538
00:22:13,079 --> 00:22:16,289
IN THE BEDTIME ♪
539
00:22:13,079 --> 00:22:16,289
♪ I BOUGHT A SHEET SHEE
540
00:22:16,289 --> 00:22:18,150
SHE ONLY KNOWS
541
00:22:16,289 --> 00:22:18,150
I ACT A LO
542
00:22:18,150 --> 00:22:21,029
BUT I ALREADY KNOW ♪
543
00:22:18,150 --> 00:22:21,029
♪ I'M ON THE COUCH TONIGH
544
00:22:21,029 --> 00:22:22,200
SHE GOT ME
545
00:22:21,029 --> 00:22:22,200
ON THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪
546
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:25,240
♪ SHE IN BE
547
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:25,240
ALL TUCKED IN TIGH
548
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:29,130
BUT I'M SLEEPING
549
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:29,130
ON THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪
550
00:22:29,130 --> 00:22:32,000
♪ I'M SLEEPIN
551
00:22:29,130 --> 00:22:32,000
ON THE COUCH
552
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:37,220
MAKE DINNE
553
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:37,220
LIKE LOVERS DO ♪
554
00:22:37,220 --> 00:22:39,240
♪ I BOUGHT HER WINE
555
00:22:37,220 --> 00:22:39,240
AND I'M SLEEPING
556
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:45,000
ON THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪
557
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:45,000
♪ SHE GOT M
558
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,029
ON THE COUCH TONIGHT
559
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,029
DON'T SLEEP TO
560
00:22:47,029 --> 00:22:48,200
IT'S TIME ♪
561
00:22:47,029 --> 00:22:48,200
♪ SLEEPING ON
562
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,220
THE COUCH TONIGH
563
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,220
SHE GOT ME ON THE COUCH ♪
564
00:22:50,220 --> 00:22:51,230
♪ WAKE HER UP
565
00:22:50,220 --> 00:22:51,230
WITH ROSES ON THE BE
566
00:22:51,230 --> 00:22:53,099
TELL HER ALL THE SWEET
567
00:22:51,230 --> 00:22:53,099
THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD ♪
568
00:22:53,099 --> 00:22:55,269
♪ SHE ROLL AROUND
569
00:22:53,099 --> 00:22:55,269
AND I'M SLEEPING
570
00:22:55,269 --> 00:22:58,000
ON THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪
571
00:22:55,269 --> 00:22:58,000
♪ SHE GOT ME ON THE COUCH
572
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,029
SHE SAYS I ♪
573
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,029
♪ SLEEPING ON
574
00:23:01,029 --> 00:23:05,069
THE COUCH TONIGH
575
00:23:01,029 --> 00:23:05,069
SHE GOT ME ON THE COUCH ♪
576
00:23:05,069 --> 00:23:07,250
♪ I SAY HELLO AND
577
00:23:05,069 --> 00:23:07,250
♪ I'M SLEEPIN
578
00:23:07,250 --> 00:23:13,000
ON THE COUCH TONIGHT
579
00:23:07,250 --> 00:23:13,000
SLEEPING O
580
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,170
THE COUCH TONIGHT ♪
581
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,170
♪ SHE GOT ME ON THE
582
00:23:14,170 --> 00:23:16,190
WE ALL MAK
583
00:23:14,170 --> 00:23:16,190
MISTAKES IT'S TRUE
584
00:23:16,190 --> 00:23:19,069
TELL ME WHAT I GOT TO DO ♪
585
00:23:16,190 --> 00:23:19,069
♪ GET BACK IN
586
00:23:19,069 --> 00:23:25,000
THE BEDS WITH YO
587
00:23:19,069 --> 00:23:25,000
WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU ♪
588
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:30,039
♪ CHEATED ON ME
589
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:30,039
ALMOST EVERY DAY
590
00:23:30,039 --> 00:23:32,210
I CAUGHT YOU CHEATIN
591
00:23:30,039 --> 00:23:32,210
ON ME YESTERDAY ♪
592
00:23:32,210 --> 00:23:36,109
♪ YOU DID
593
00:23:32,210 --> 00:23:36,109
♪ YOU EVEN CHEATE
594
00:23:36,109 --> 00:23:40,000
ON ME ON MY COUC
595
00:23:36,109 --> 00:23:40,000
THAT'S WHY YOUR ASS IS
596
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,019
IN THE DOGHOUSE ♪
597
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,019
♪ I AIN'T MAD ABOUT YOU
598
00:23:42,019 --> 00:23:44,039
WORKING LATE
599
00:23:42,019 --> 00:23:44,039
BUT YOU GOT 10 CREDIT CARD
600
00:23:44,039 --> 00:23:46,059
IN MY NAME ♪
601
00:23:44,039 --> 00:23:46,059
♪ YOU MAX THEM OU
602
00:23:46,059 --> 00:23:48,240
NOW MY CREDIT'S BA
603
00:23:46,059 --> 00:23:48,240
WHY DID YOU TAKE OUT
604
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:51,269
LIFE INSURANCE ON ME ♪
605
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:51,269
♪ WE BROKE UP FIVE YEARS AG
606
00:23:51,269 --> 00:23:54,150
I GOT MARRIED TO ANOTHER GUY
607
00:23:51,269 --> 00:23:54,150
HE'S SICK OF YOU
608
00:23:54,150 --> 00:24:00,230
CRASHING HERE ♪
609
00:23:54,150 --> 00:24:00,230
♪ YOU REALLY HAVE TO STOP
610
00:24:00,230 --> 00:24:04,119
COMING OVER HERE ♪
611
00:24:00,230 --> 00:24:04,119
>> YOU REALLY CAN'T KEEP COMING
612
00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:07,150
HERE
613
00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:07,150
I KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO
614
00:24:07,150 --> 00:24:14,069
STAY, BUT WE GOT KIDS.
615
00:24:07,150 --> 00:24:14,069
>> NO.
616
00:24:14,069 --> 00:24:18,119
>> NO BUTS, IT'S GOT TO STOP,
617
00:24:14,069 --> 00:24:18,119
OKAY
618
00:24:18,119 --> 00:24:22,170
ALL RIGHT, WELL, SEE YOU AROUND.
619
00:24:18,119 --> 00:24:22,170
♪ I'M SLEEPIN
620
00:24:22,170 --> 00:24:26,049
IN MY CAR TONIGH
621
00:24:22,170 --> 00:24:26,049
SLEEPING IN MY CAR ♪
622
00:24:26,049 --> 00:24:29,130
>> YOU CAN'T PARK IN THE DRIVE
623
00:24:26,049 --> 00:24:29,130
WAY, BUDDY, COME ON, YOU GOT TO
624
00:24:29,130 --> 00:24:32,119
GO
625
00:24:29,130 --> 00:24:32,119
LET'S GO
626
00:24:32,119 --> 00:24:33,140
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAND THERE
627
00:24:32,119 --> 00:24:33,140
AND WATCH ME LEAVE
628
00:24:33,140 --> 00:24:38,039
>> NO, I DON'T HAVE TO, BUT I'M
629
00:24:33,140 --> 00:24:38,039
GOING TO
630
00:24:38,039 --> 00:24:42,039
♪
631
00:24:48,130 --> 00:24:52,000
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
632
00:24:48,130 --> 00:24:52,000
>>> WELCOME BACK TO "THE DEIRDRE
633
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,180
SHOW."
634
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,180
MY GUEST CO-HOST TODAY IS A
635
00:24:54,180 --> 00:25:00,289
LEGENDARY DIVA OF SONG
636
00:24:54,180 --> 00:25:00,289
SHE'S GOT DOZENS OF HIT RECORDS
637
00:25:00,289 --> 00:25:04,190
LIKE OOH THAT MAN AND LET ME
638
00:25:00,289 --> 00:25:04,190
TELL YOU ABOUT CHRISTMAS
639
00:25:04,190 --> 00:25:08,269
SHE'S BACK IN THE NEWS BECAUSE
640
00:25:04,190 --> 00:25:08,269
SHE HIT A TRAIN WITH HER CAR
641
00:25:08,269 --> 00:25:13,009
PLEASE WELCOME, COOKIE LA FLUTE.
642
00:25:08,269 --> 00:25:13,009
COOKIE, WE ARE SO GLAD TO HAVE
643
00:25:13,009 --> 00:25:15,200
YOU.
644
00:25:13,009 --> 00:25:15,200
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, AUDIENCE
645
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,059
>> YES
646
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,059
>> WE LOVE YOU, COOKIE
647
00:25:17,059 --> 00:25:19,240
>> GO, COOKIE.
648
00:25:17,059 --> 00:25:19,240
>> THANK YOU
649
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,119
IT'S LIKE I ALWAYS SAY, WHERE AM
650
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,119
I?
651
00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:24,289
WHO ARE YOU?
652
00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:24,289
THE PLEASURE'S ALL YOURS
653
00:25:24,289 --> 00:25:29,039
>> WONDERFUL
654
00:25:24,289 --> 00:25:29,039
AS YOU KNOW, THIS WEEK IS FINGER
655
00:25:29,039 --> 00:25:31,059
WEEK ON OUR SHOW
656
00:25:29,039 --> 00:25:31,059
AND TODAY WE'RE GOING TO MAKE
657
00:25:31,059 --> 00:25:33,240
SOME FINGER FOOD
658
00:25:31,059 --> 00:25:33,240
SOUND GOOD, COOKIE
659
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:37,140
>> I'M STARVING, LET'S GET TO
660
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:37,140
IT
661
00:25:37,140 --> 00:25:50,009
>> JOINING US TODAY IS A
662
00:25:37,140 --> 00:25:50,009
CELEBRITY CHEF IF YOU'RE FROM
663
00:25:50,009 --> 00:25:54,289
LONDON WHO'S GOING TO TEACH US
664
00:25:50,009 --> 00:25:54,289
HOW TO MAKE AMERICAN APPETIZERS.
665
00:25:54,289 --> 00:26:03,009
>> I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY, TODAY
666
00:25:54,289 --> 00:26:03,009
IT'S ALL ABOUT HORS D'OEVRES
667
00:26:03,009 --> 00:26:04,180
>> THAT IS FRENCH.
668
00:26:03,009 --> 00:26:04,180
>> YES, FOR HORSE DOVE
669
00:26:04,180 --> 00:26:07,059
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
670
00:26:04,180 --> 00:26:07,059
>> I HAVE TONS OF THEM IN MY NEW
671
00:26:07,059 --> 00:26:13,119
COOKBOOK, THE HUNGRY DIVORCEE.
672
00:26:07,059 --> 00:26:13,119
JUST BECAUSE YOUR MARRIAGE IS
673
00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:21,049
OVER DOESN'T MEAN YOUR HUNGER IS
674
00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:21,049
TOO.
675
00:26:21,049 --> 00:26:23,069
WE'RE STARTING OFF WITH ONE OF
676
00:26:21,049 --> 00:26:23,069
MY FAVORITES
677
00:26:23,069 --> 00:26:25,099
IT'S DELICIOUS LITTLE QUICHES.
678
00:26:23,069 --> 00:26:25,099
>> THEY'RE SO CUTE
679
00:26:25,099 --> 00:26:27,119
THANK YOU.
680
00:26:25,099 --> 00:26:27,119
>> I'M GOING TO EAT THIS IN ONE
681
00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:29,140
BITE
682
00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:29,140
>> DON'T EAT THE FOIL.
683
00:26:29,140 --> 00:26:31,009
>> WHAT?
684
00:26:29,140 --> 00:26:31,009
>> I MEAN, THE ALUMINUM FOIL ON
685
00:26:31,009 --> 00:26:32,019
THE BOTTOM
686
00:26:31,009 --> 00:26:32,019
YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT THAT
687
00:26:32,019 --> 00:26:33,180
>> I DON'T WANT TO EAT THE FOIL.
688
00:26:32,019 --> 00:26:33,180
>> DON'T EAT THE FOIL?
689
00:26:33,180 --> 00:26:35,210
WHO IS THIS MAN?
690
00:26:33,180 --> 00:26:35,210
>> THE NEXT THING I WANT TO TALK
691
00:26:35,210 --> 00:26:41,230
ABOUT IS GUACAMOLE
692
00:26:35,210 --> 00:26:41,230
>> WHO IS THIS MAN
693
00:26:41,230 --> 00:26:46,019
DON'T EAT THE FOIL
694
00:26:41,230 --> 00:26:46,019
DO YOU SEE THIS MAN?
695
00:26:46,019 --> 00:26:50,170
>> YEAH, WE SEE HIM, COOKIE.
696
00:26:46,019 --> 00:26:50,170
>> I'M SORRY ABOUT THE FOIL, I
697
00:26:50,170 --> 00:26:53,259
FEEL LIKE WE GOT OFF ON THE
698
00:26:50,170 --> 00:26:53,259
WRONG FOOT
699
00:26:53,259 --> 00:26:56,250
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO SCRATCH
700
00:26:53,259 --> 00:26:56,250
YOUR MOUTH, YOU NEED IT FOR
701
00:26:56,250 --> 00:26:58,089
SINGING.
702
00:26:56,250 --> 00:26:58,089
>> I DON'T EAT FOIL.
703
00:26:58,089 --> 00:27:08,200
I DON'T EAT FOIL
704
00:26:58,089 --> 00:27:08,200
>> CHEF CLYDE, HOW ABOUT WE
705
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,220
SLIDE ON DOWN TO THE NEXT FOOD
706
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,220
>> COOKIE, I THINK YOU'LL LOVE
707
00:27:10,220 --> 00:27:12,079
MY PIGS IN A BLANKET
708
00:27:10,220 --> 00:27:12,079
>> YOU ALL KNOW I LOVE PIGS AND
709
00:27:12,079 --> 00:27:14,109
I LOVE ME SOME BLANKETS.
710
00:27:12,079 --> 00:27:14,109
>> OKAY.
711
00:27:14,109 --> 00:27:15,279
SO THESE ARE SO EASY TO THROW
712
00:27:14,109 --> 00:27:15,279
TOGETHER
713
00:27:15,279 --> 00:27:19,180
>> YOU KNOW WHAT
714
00:27:15,279 --> 00:27:19,180
I'M NOT OVER THE FOIL THING.
715
00:27:19,180 --> 00:27:21,160
>> COOKIE, IF YOU LIKE
716
00:27:19,180 --> 00:27:21,160
MUSTARD --
717
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:23,180
>> DON'T EAT THE FOIL.
718
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:23,180
DON'T EAT THE FOIL
719
00:27:23,180 --> 00:27:25,039
LEGENDS DON'T EAT FOIL, BOO.
720
00:27:23,180 --> 00:27:25,039
WHO DO I LOOK LIKE
721
00:27:25,039 --> 00:27:26,089
DO I LOOK LIKE BOBO THE CLOWN?
722
00:27:25,039 --> 00:27:26,089
>> NO, COOKIE, YOU LOOK HOT.
723
00:27:26,089 --> 00:27:27,240
>> KILL HIM.
724
00:27:26,089 --> 00:27:27,240
>> OKAY, CHEF CLYDE, HOW ABOUT
725
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:31,250
ANOTHER FOOD
726
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:31,250
>> GOOD IDEA
727
00:27:31,250 --> 00:27:36,160
IF YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS AT ROOM
728
00:27:31,250 --> 00:27:36,160
TEMPERATURE, GOOD NEWS, WE HAVE
729
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,029
DEVILED EGGS
730
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,029
>> COOKIE, LET'S TRY THEM.
731
00:27:38,029 --> 00:27:41,220
>> SURE.
732
00:27:38,029 --> 00:27:41,220
BUT SIR, AREN'T YOU SCARED
733
00:27:41,220 --> 00:27:44,089
>> SCARED OF WHAT?
734
00:27:41,220 --> 00:27:44,089
>> AREN'T YOU SCARED I'M GOING
735
00:27:44,089 --> 00:27:50,160
TO EAT THE SPOON
736
00:27:44,089 --> 00:27:50,160
TELL ME NOT TO EAT THE SPOON, AS
737
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:53,039
IF I'M NOT A FAMOUS SINGER
738
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:53,039
PISSING ME OFF
739
00:27:53,039 --> 00:27:56,069
>> I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GOING TO
740
00:27:53,039 --> 00:27:56,069
EAT THE SPOON.
741
00:27:56,069 --> 00:27:57,240
>> YOU AND ALL YOUR LITTLE
742
00:27:56,069 --> 00:27:57,240
FOODS.
743
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:58,250
I'VE BEEN FAMOUS FOR OVER
744
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:58,250
25 YEARS
745
00:27:58,250 --> 00:27:59,269
I EAT BIG FOOD
746
00:27:58,250 --> 00:27:59,269
>> I'M SURE YOU EAT VERY BIG
747
00:27:59,269 --> 00:28:04,000
FOOD
748
00:27:59,269 --> 00:28:04,000
>> DO YOU KNOW THAT ONCE A YEAR,
749
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,049
IN NOVEMBER, I COOK A BIG TURKEY
750
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,049
AND I INVITE PEOPLE I LOVE TO
751
00:28:06,049 --> 00:28:07,190
HAVE SOME.
752
00:28:06,049 --> 00:28:07,190
THAT'S HOW GOOD I CAN SING
753
00:28:07,190 --> 00:28:12,119
>> AND THAT SOUNDS LIKE
754
00:28:07,190 --> 00:28:12,119
THANKSGIVING
755
00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:15,160
>> OKAY, WELL, BEFORE MY TIME
756
00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:15,160
RUNS OUT --
757
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,279
>> DO YOU KNOW WHAT -- AIN'T
758
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,279
NOBODY WANT YOUR FOIL, OKAY?
759
00:28:18,279 --> 00:28:22,119
TINY MAN WITH TINY FOOD.
760
00:28:18,279 --> 00:28:22,119
WHO CAN'T EVEN SING.
761
00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:25,230
GIVE YOUR GUESTS A STEAK YOU
762
00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:25,230
QUEER.
763
00:28:25,230 --> 00:28:26,259
>> OH!
764
00:28:25,230 --> 00:28:26,259
>> I CAN SAY IT, MY HUSBAND IS
765
00:28:26,259 --> 00:28:32,180
GAY.
766
00:28:26,259 --> 00:28:32,180
>> WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WRAP
767
00:28:32,180 --> 00:28:34,029
THIS UP, AUDIENCE, DID WE LOSE
768
00:28:32,180 --> 00:28:34,029
YOU?
769
00:28:34,029 --> 00:28:37,019
>> ABSOLUTELY NOT.
770
00:28:34,029 --> 00:28:37,019
>> WE LOVE THIS.
771
00:28:37,019 --> 00:28:41,130
>> THE WHOLE TASTE OF THIS THING
772
00:28:37,019 --> 00:28:41,130
OUT OF MY MOUTH, ALL YOUR FOOD
773
00:28:41,130 --> 00:28:44,009
LOOKS DISGUSTING
774
00:28:41,130 --> 00:28:44,009
>> OH, YOU --
775
00:28:44,009 --> 00:28:46,240
>> DID YOU --
776
00:28:44,009 --> 00:28:46,240
>> WHY YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE
777
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:50,000
THAT
778
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:50,000
IT'S JUST GUM, YOU KNOW, IT'S
779
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:54,009
SHINY, TASTES LIKE COINS
780
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:54,009
>> OKAY, WELL, THAT'S OUR SHOW
781
00:28:54,009 --> 00:28:59,210
BYE-BYE.
782
00:29:04,039 --> 00:29:09,069
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S
783
00:29:04,039 --> 00:29:09,069
HEAR SOME NOISE FOR OUR NEWLY
784
00:29:09,069 --> 00:29:11,089
HITCHED MR. AND MRS., WHO HAVE
785
00:29:09,069 --> 00:29:11,089
BEEN STEALING SOME KISSES, MARK
786
00:29:11,089 --> 00:29:15,140
AND LIZ MCKELLEN, Y'ALL.
787
00:29:11,089 --> 00:29:15,140
>> MARK AND LIZ!
788
00:29:15,140 --> 00:29:18,009
YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT THAT
789
00:29:15,140 --> 00:29:18,009
LIZ WOULD SETTLE DOWN, BUT MARK
790
00:29:18,009 --> 00:29:26,180
IS THE PERFECT MATCH TO HAPPILY
791
00:29:18,009 --> 00:29:26,180
EVER AFTER
792
00:29:26,180 --> 00:29:29,049
>> TO HAPPILY EVER AFTER
793
00:29:26,180 --> 00:29:29,049
>> IS THIS TABLE NINE?
794
00:29:29,049 --> 00:29:36,119
>> IT SURE IS.
795
00:29:29,049 --> 00:29:36,119
WE'RE THE FUN TABLE.
796
00:29:36,119 --> 00:29:38,289
SIT DOWN
797
00:29:36,119 --> 00:29:38,289
>> LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO
798
00:29:38,289 --> 00:29:42,029
HAVE TO TAKE THE MASK OFF.
799
00:29:38,289 --> 00:29:42,029
UNLESS YOU'RE GONNA POKE A
800
00:29:42,029 --> 00:29:44,200
LITTLE HOLE THROUGH THERE.
801
00:29:42,029 --> 00:29:44,200
>> DON'T WORRY, NONE OF US ARE
802
00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:52,289
SICK, WE'RE JUST A LITTLE TIPSY.
803
00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:52,289
>> WELL --
804
00:29:52,289 --> 00:29:59,130
>> AND UNFORTUNATELY, WITH
805
00:29:52,289 --> 00:29:59,130
COVID-19, YOU CAN DISPLAY NO
806
00:29:59,130 --> 00:30:03,079
SYMPTOMS AND STILL BE WILDLY
807
00:29:59,130 --> 00:30:03,079
CONTAGIOUS
808
00:30:03,079 --> 00:30:05,099
HI, I'M DEBBIE
809
00:30:03,079 --> 00:30:05,099
[ SAD TROMBONE ]
810
00:30:05,099 --> 00:30:06,269
♪
811
00:30:05,099 --> 00:30:06,269
♪ YOU'RE ENJOYING YOUR DA
812
00:30:06,269 --> 00:30:07,279
EVERYTHING'S GOING
813
00:30:06,269 --> 00:30:07,279
YOUR WAY ♪
814
00:30:07,279 --> 00:30:09,140
♪ WHEN ALONG COME
815
00:30:07,279 --> 00:30:09,140
DEBBIE DOWNER ♪
816
00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:12,019
♪ ALWAYS THERE TO TELL YO
817
00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:12,019
ABOUT A NEW DISEAS
818
00:30:12,019 --> 00:30:14,029
A CAR ACCIDENT
819
00:30:12,019 --> 00:30:14,029
OR KILLER BEES ♪
820
00:30:14,029 --> 00:30:15,200
♪ YOU BEG HER TO SPARE YO
821
00:30:14,029 --> 00:30:15,200
DEBBIE PLEAS
822
00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:19,240
BUT YOU CAN'T STOP
823
00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:19,240
DEBBIE DOWNER ♪
824
00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:21,130
[ SAD TROMBONE ]
825
00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:21,130
>> THAT'S A PRETTY ELABORATE
826
00:30:21,130 --> 00:30:25,160
MASK
827
00:30:21,130 --> 00:30:25,160
IT'S KIND OF FUTURISTIC, ISN'T
828
00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:27,180
IT
829
00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:27,180
>> YEAH, I BOUGHT ONE OF THE
830
00:30:27,180 --> 00:30:30,210
LAST M-95s ON AMAZON
831
00:30:27,180 --> 00:30:30,210
THEY SAY TO FOREGO MASKS, SO
832
00:30:30,210 --> 00:30:35,279
GOOD LUCK NABBING ONE WHEN WE'RE
833
00:30:30,210 --> 00:30:35,279
FACING A WORLDWIDE PANDEMIC.
834
00:30:35,279 --> 00:30:40,180
[ SAD TROMBONE ]
835
00:30:35,279 --> 00:30:40,180
>> I'M SURE WE'RE ALL GOING TO
836
00:30:40,180 --> 00:30:45,130
BE OKAY.
837
00:30:40,180 --> 00:30:45,130
>> DEBBIE, MAYBE WE SHOULD
838
00:30:45,130 --> 00:30:48,019
INTRODUCE OURSELVES.
839
00:30:45,130 --> 00:30:48,019
>> OH, YEAH.
840
00:30:48,019 --> 00:30:53,099
>> TABLE NINE, TABLE NINE.
841
00:30:48,019 --> 00:30:53,099
>> I'M LIZ'S AUNT KAREN AND THIS
842
00:30:53,099 --> 00:30:57,269
HAD IS MY DAUGHTER MINDY
843
00:30:53,099 --> 00:30:57,269
>> WHY ARE YOU HERE?
844
00:30:57,269 --> 00:31:01,109
>> I MEAN, HOW DO YOU KNOW THE
845
00:30:57,269 --> 00:31:01,109
HAPPY COUPLE
846
00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:08,130
>> I'M MARK'S FIRST COUSIN ONCE
847
00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:08,130
REMOVED, FOR TRESPASSING
848
00:31:08,130 --> 00:31:12,019
>> HOW ABOUT A LITTLE DRINK.
849
00:31:08,130 --> 00:31:12,019
MAYBE THAT WILL LOOSEN YOU UP A
850
00:31:12,019 --> 00:31:14,019
LITTLE
851
00:31:12,019 --> 00:31:14,019
>> I DON'T WANT TO DRINK TOO
852
00:31:14,019 --> 00:31:17,250
MUCH, LAST TIME I DRANK, I WAS
853
00:31:14,019 --> 00:31:17,250
ALMOST ME TOOED.
854
00:31:17,250 --> 00:31:23,160
>> THAT'S TERRIBLE
855
00:31:17,250 --> 00:31:23,160
DID SOMEONE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF
856
00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:25,180
YOU?
857
00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:25,180
>> WHY WOULD YOU DELVE
858
00:31:25,180 --> 00:31:31,079
>> I WAS ON ONE OF THOSE JUST
859
00:31:25,180 --> 00:31:31,079
LUNCH DATES AND CHOKED ON A
860
00:31:31,079 --> 00:31:34,049
CROUTON, MY DATE HAD TO GIVE ME
861
00:31:31,079 --> 00:31:34,049
THE HEIMLICH
862
00:31:34,049 --> 00:31:37,279
HE CLEARLY THOUGHT THE BOTTOM OF
863
00:31:34,049 --> 00:31:37,279
MY RIBCAGE WAS MUCH HIGHER
864
00:31:37,279 --> 00:31:45,059
#NOTBUYINGIT
865
00:31:37,279 --> 00:31:45,059
>> QUESTION, DO WE HAVE TO STAY
866
00:31:45,059 --> 00:31:46,250
AT OUR ASSIGNED TABLES
867
00:31:45,059 --> 00:31:46,250
>> YEAH, DEBBIE, WHY DON'T YOU
868
00:31:46,250 --> 00:31:47,230
GO SAY HI TO THE BRIDE AND
869
00:31:46,250 --> 00:31:47,230
GROOM?
870
00:31:47,230 --> 00:31:55,009
>> OKAY.
871
00:31:47,230 --> 00:31:55,009
HEY, GUYS, CONGRATS.
872
00:31:55,009 --> 00:31:58,130
THE WEDDING WAS REALLY
873
00:31:55,009 --> 00:31:58,130
BEAUTIFUL.
874
00:31:58,130 --> 00:32:01,019
I WANTED TO GIVE YOU MY GIFT,
875
00:31:58,130 --> 00:32:01,019
THOUGH
876
00:32:01,019 --> 00:32:05,200
HERE, OPEN IT.
877
00:32:01,019 --> 00:32:05,200
I MADE A DONATION IN YOUR NAME
878
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:11,289
TO MY FAVORITE CHARITY
879
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:11,289
>> OH, A $25 DONATION TO POUNCE
880
00:32:11,289 --> 00:32:13,049
FOR A CURE
881
00:32:11,289 --> 00:32:13,049
>> YES
882
00:32:13,049 --> 00:32:17,250
>> A CURE FOR WHAT
883
00:32:13,049 --> 00:32:17,250
>> NO, NO, DON'T ASK THAT.
884
00:32:17,250 --> 00:32:20,220
>> FELINE AIDS
885
00:32:17,250 --> 00:32:20,220
IT'S THE NUMBER ONE KILLER OF
886
00:32:20,220 --> 00:32:26,269
DOMESTIC CATS.
887
00:32:20,220 --> 00:32:26,269
[ MEOW ]
888
00:32:26,269 --> 00:32:28,289
>> HEY, DEBBIE, YOU KNOW,
889
00:32:26,269 --> 00:32:28,289
THEY'RE SERVING THE ENTREE, WHY
890
00:32:28,289 --> 00:32:34,029
DON'T YOU GO SIT DOWN AND STUFF
891
00:32:28,289 --> 00:32:34,029
YOUR MOUTH WITH GOOD FOOD.
892
00:32:34,029 --> 00:32:36,210
>> OKAY, GUYS, ENJOY
893
00:32:34,029 --> 00:32:36,210
>> YES
894
00:32:36,210 --> 00:32:37,240
I'M READY FOR THIS FEAST
895
00:32:36,210 --> 00:32:37,240
>> THESE MASHED POTATOES LOOK
896
00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:40,089
LIKE HEAVEN.
897
00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:40,089
>> AFTER WE EAT, I VOTE WE GET A
898
00:32:40,089 --> 00:32:43,269
LINE DANCE GOING
899
00:32:40,089 --> 00:32:43,269
>> HEY, SPEAKING OF VOTING, HOW
900
00:32:43,269 --> 00:32:50,210
DO YOU GUYS FEEL ABOUT TRUMP
901
00:32:43,269 --> 00:32:50,210
[ SAD TROMBONE ]
902
00:32:50,210 --> 00:32:59,140
[ SAD TROMBONE ]
903
00:32:50,210 --> 00:32:59,140
[ SAD TROMBONE ]
904
00:32:59,140 --> 00:33:04,039
>> HEY, GUYS, I JUST CAUGHT THE
905
00:32:59,140 --> 00:33:04,039
BOUQUET.
906
00:33:04,039 --> 00:33:08,000
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE LOVES FLOWERS?
907
00:33:04,039 --> 00:33:08,000
HONEY BEES, TOO BAD THEY'RE ON
908
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:09,160
THEIR WAY OUT.
909
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:09,160
[ SAD TROMBONE ]
910
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:20,039
♪ NO YOU CAN'T STOP
911
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:20,039
DEBBIE DOWNER ♪
912
00:33:20,039 --> 00:33:24,140
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
913
00:33:20,039 --> 00:33:24,140
THE WEEKND
914
00:33:24,140 --> 00:33:44,269
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
915
00:33:24,140 --> 00:33:44,269
♪
916
00:33:44,269 --> 00:33:48,099
♪
917
00:33:52,180 --> 00:33:55,220
♪ I BEEN TRYNA CALL
918
00:33:52,180 --> 00:33:55,220
I BEEN ON MY OWN
919
00:33:55,220 --> 00:33:59,109
FOR LONG ENOUG
920
00:33:55,220 --> 00:33:59,109
MAYBE YOU CAN SHOW ME ♪
921
00:33:59,109 --> 00:34:05,019
♪ HOW TO LOVE MAYBE
922
00:33:59,109 --> 00:34:05,019
I'M GOIN
923
00:34:05,019 --> 00:34:09,219
THROUGH WITHDRAWAL
924
00:34:05,019 --> 00:34:09,219
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ♪
925
00:34:09,219 --> 00:34:14,269
♪ TO DO TOO MUC
926
00:34:09,219 --> 00:34:14,269
YOU CAN TURN ME ON
927
00:34:14,269 --> 00:34:17,139
WITH JUST A TOUCH BABY
928
00:34:14,269 --> 00:34:17,139
I LOOK AROUND AND ♪
929
00:34:17,139 --> 00:34:20,170
♪ SIN CITY'S COLD AND EMPTY
930
00:34:17,139 --> 00:34:20,170
NO ONE'S AROUND TO JUDGE M
931
00:34:20,170 --> 00:34:26,239
I CAN'T SEE CLEARL
932
00:34:20,170 --> 00:34:26,239
WHEN YOU'RE GONE ♪
933
00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:29,289
♪ I SAID OO
934
00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:29,289
I'M BLINDED BY THE LIGHT
935
00:34:29,289 --> 00:34:34,190
NO I CAN'T SLEEP UNTIL
936
00:34:29,289 --> 00:34:34,190
I FEEL YOUR TOUCH ♪
937
00:34:34,190 --> 00:34:38,079
♪ I SAID OO
938
00:34:34,190 --> 00:34:38,079
I'M DROWNING IN THE NIGH
939
00:34:38,079 --> 00:34:42,130
OH WHEN I'M LIKE THI
940
00:34:38,079 --> 00:34:42,130
YOU'RE THE ONE I TRUST
941
00:34:42,130 --> 00:34:48,199
HEY HEY HEY ♪
942
00:34:42,130 --> 00:34:48,199
>> NEW YORK!
943
00:34:48,199 --> 00:34:59,000
LET'S GO
944
00:34:48,199 --> 00:34:59,000
♪
945
00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:05,239
♪ I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME
946
00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:05,239
'CAUSE I CAN SEE THE SUN
947
00:35:05,239 --> 00:35:10,130
LIGHT UP THE SKY
948
00:35:05,239 --> 00:35:10,130
SO I HIT THE ROAD ♪
949
00:35:10,130 --> 00:35:14,010
♪ IN OVERDRIVE BABY
950
00:35:10,130 --> 00:35:14,010
OH THE CITY'
951
00:35:14,010 --> 00:35:16,179
COLD AND EMPTY
952
00:35:14,010 --> 00:35:16,179
NO ONE'S AROUND ♪
953
00:35:16,179 --> 00:35:19,059
♪ TO JUDGE ME
954
00:35:16,179 --> 00:35:19,059
I CAN'T SEE CLEARL
955
00:35:19,059 --> 00:35:21,239
WHEN YOU'RE GONE
956
00:35:19,059 --> 00:35:21,239
I SAID OOH ♪
957
00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:25,130
♪ I'M BLINDED BY THE LIGHTS
958
00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:25,130
NO, I CAN'T SLEE
959
00:35:25,130 --> 00:35:30,179
UNTIL I FEEL YOUR TOUC
960
00:35:25,130 --> 00:35:30,179
I SAID OOH ♪
961
00:35:30,179 --> 00:35:35,230
♪ I'M DROWNING IN THE NIGHT
962
00:35:30,179 --> 00:35:35,230
OH WHEN I'M LIKE THI
963
00:35:35,230 --> 00:35:39,289
YOU'RE THE ONE I TRUST
964
00:35:35,230 --> 00:35:39,289
I'M JUST WALKING BY TO ♪
965
00:35:39,289 --> 00:35:45,199
♪ LET YOU KNO
966
00:35:39,289 --> 00:35:45,199
I CAN NEVER SAY IT
967
00:35:45,199 --> 00:35:51,099
ON THE PHONE
968
00:35:45,199 --> 00:35:51,099
WILL NEVER LET ♪
969
00:35:51,099 --> 00:35:56,000
♪ YOU GO THIS TIM
970
00:35:51,099 --> 00:35:56,000
I SAID OOH
971
00:35:56,000 --> 00:36:00,039
I'M BLINDED BY THE LIGHT
972
00:35:56,000 --> 00:36:00,039
NO I CAN'T SLEEP UNTIL ♪
973
00:36:00,039 --> 00:36:06,099
♪ I FEEL YOUR TOUCH
974
00:36:00,039 --> 00:36:06,099
>> NEW YORK CITY, MAKE SOME
975
00:36:06,099 --> 00:36:12,030
NOISE.
976
00:36:06,099 --> 00:36:12,030
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
977
00:36:12,030 --> 00:36:18,260
♪
978
00:36:12,030 --> 00:36:18,260
YEAH
979
00:36:18,260 --> 00:36:21,289
♪ O
980
00:36:18,260 --> 00:36:21,289
OKAY
981
00:36:21,289 --> 00:36:34,119
I SAID OOH
982
00:36:21,289 --> 00:36:34,119
I'M BLINDED BY THE LIGHTS ♪
983
00:36:34,119 --> 00:36:40,179
♪ NO I CAN'T SLEE
984
00:36:34,119 --> 00:36:40,179
UNTIL I FEEL YOUR TOUCH ♪
985
00:36:40,179 --> 00:36:51,010
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
986
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:56,139
♪
987
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:56,139
>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND
988
00:36:56,139 --> 00:36:58,159
UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND
989
00:36:56,139 --> 00:36:58,159
MICHAEL CHE.
990
00:36:58,159 --> 00:37:04,030
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
991
00:36:58,159 --> 00:37:04,030
♪
992
00:37:04,030 --> 00:37:05,199
>> THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING,
993
00:37:04,030 --> 00:37:05,199
EVERYONE
994
00:37:05,199 --> 00:37:07,070
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE.
995
00:37:05,199 --> 00:37:07,070
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
996
00:37:07,070 --> 00:37:08,239
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
997
00:37:07,070 --> 00:37:08,239
WELL, LAST WEEK WE HAD SIX
998
00:37:08,239 --> 00:37:10,280
DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES.
999
00:37:08,239 --> 00:37:10,280
AND THIS WEEK IT'S BECOME LIKE
1000
00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:14,289
MY DAD'S FAVORITE RADIO STATION,
1001
00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:14,289
JUST THE OLDIES.
1002
00:37:14,289 --> 00:37:20,159
[ LAUGHTER ]
1003
00:37:14,289 --> 00:37:20,159
JOE BIDEN IS NOW THE
1004
00:37:20,159 --> 00:37:24,170
FRONT-RUNNER AND JUST PICKED UP
1005
00:37:20,159 --> 00:37:24,170
AN ENDORSEMENT FROM MICHIGAN'S
1006
00:37:24,170 --> 00:37:26,269
GOVERNOR
1007
00:37:24,170 --> 00:37:26,269
IT MAKES SENSE MICHIGAN WOULD
1008
00:37:26,269 --> 00:37:29,199
LOVE BIDEN, IT KIND OF LOOKS
1009
00:37:26,269 --> 00:37:29,199
LIKE A HAND TRYING TO TOUCH A
1010
00:37:29,199 --> 00:37:36,179
LADY'S HAIR.
1011
00:37:29,199 --> 00:37:36,179
I GOT TO SAY, HONESTLY, I CANNOT
1012
00:37:36,179 --> 00:37:39,230
BE MORE EXCITED FOR BIDEN/TRUMP
1013
00:37:36,179 --> 00:37:39,230
DEBATES.
1014
00:37:39,230 --> 00:37:42,179
THEY'RE GOING TO BE THE FIRST
1015
00:37:39,230 --> 00:37:42,179
DEBATES THAT HAVE TO BE
1016
00:37:42,179 --> 00:37:47,269
MODERATED BY A JAMAICAN NURSE.
1017
00:37:42,179 --> 00:37:47,269
AS WELL AS THE ONLY DEBATES THAT
1018
00:37:47,269 --> 00:37:52,099
AIR ON THE TURNER CLASSIC MOVIE
1019
00:37:47,269 --> 00:37:52,099
CHANNEL.
1020
00:37:52,099 --> 00:37:53,260
AND I DON'T WANT THE MODERATOR
1021
00:37:52,099 --> 00:37:53,260
TO ASK THEM ABOUT ANYTHING
1022
00:37:53,260 --> 00:37:55,280
POLITICAL.
1023
00:37:53,260 --> 00:37:55,280
I WANT ALL THE QUESTIONS TO JUST
1024
00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:59,170
BE LIKE, "WHO WAS THE GREATEST
1025
00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:59,170
SLUGGER OF THE '50s?
1026
00:37:59,170 --> 00:38:05,019
[ LAUGHTER ]
1027
00:37:59,170 --> 00:38:05,019
AT THIS POINT I THINK THE DEBATE
1028
00:38:05,019 --> 00:38:10,079
SHOULD BE ON THE CRUISE SHIP AND
1029
00:38:05,019 --> 00:38:10,079
WHOEVER CAN BEAT CORONAVIRUS
1030
00:38:10,079 --> 00:38:13,179
SHOULD BECOME OUR NEXT
1031
00:38:10,079 --> 00:38:13,179
PRESIDENT.
1032
00:38:13,179 --> 00:38:15,090
[ APPLAUSE ]
1033
00:38:13,179 --> 00:38:15,090
>> I DON'T KNOW WHO'S GOING TO
1034
00:38:15,090 --> 00:38:18,139
WIN THE NOMINATION, BUT WATCHING
1035
00:38:15,090 --> 00:38:18,139
WHITE PEOPLE FIGHT OVER THESE
1036
00:38:18,139 --> 00:38:25,030
OLD DUDES IS HILARIOUS
1037
00:38:18,139 --> 00:38:25,030
I DON'T EVEN CARE WHO WINS, JUST
1038
00:38:25,030 --> 00:38:28,219
AS LONG AS THEY BEAT TRUMP
1039
00:38:25,030 --> 00:38:28,219
I'M NOT EVEN REALLY A DEMOCRAT,
1040
00:38:28,219 --> 00:38:34,030
I JUST VOTE NOT REPUBLICAN
1041
00:38:28,219 --> 00:38:34,030
DEMOCRATS ARE LIKE CONDOMS TO
1042
00:38:34,030 --> 00:38:36,110
ME
1043
00:38:34,030 --> 00:38:36,110
I'LL USE THEM BECAUSE IT'S
1044
00:38:36,110 --> 00:38:41,199
SAFER, I GUESS, BUT IT DOESN'T
1045
00:38:36,110 --> 00:38:41,199
FEEL GOOD.
1046
00:38:41,199 --> 00:38:44,070
>> BOTH JOE BIDEN AND
1047
00:38:41,199 --> 00:38:44,070
BERNIE SANDERS ARE ACTIVELY
1048
00:38:44,070 --> 00:38:46,250
COURTING ELIZABETH WARREN'S
1049
00:38:44,070 --> 00:38:46,250
ENDORSEMENT.
1050
00:38:46,250 --> 00:38:49,119
BUT I GOT TO SAY, THE PANT SUITS
1051
00:38:46,250 --> 00:38:49,119
ARE A LITTLE MUCH.
1052
00:38:49,119 --> 00:38:57,000
[ LAUGHTER ]
1053
00:38:49,119 --> 00:38:57,000
PRESIDENT TRUMP ALSO ATTACKED
1054
00:38:57,000 --> 00:38:58,119
BIDEN OVER HIS RECENT GAFFE
1055
00:38:57,000 --> 00:38:58,119
SAYING, THERE'S SOMETHING GOING
1056
00:38:58,119 --> 00:39:01,050
ON THERE
1057
00:38:58,119 --> 00:39:01,050
AND TRUMP SHOULD DEFINITELY
1058
00:39:01,050 --> 00:39:03,050
KNOW, BECAUSE THERE'S SOMETHING
1059
00:39:01,050 --> 00:39:03,050
GOING ON THERE TOO
1060
00:39:03,050 --> 00:39:11,260
A FEW DAYS AGO, HE DID THIS.
1061
00:39:03,050 --> 00:39:11,260
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?
1062
00:39:11,260 --> 00:39:14,099
YOU CAN'T SAY SOMEONE ELSE IS
1063
00:39:11,260 --> 00:39:14,099
LOSING IT, AND THEN WHISPER I
1064
00:39:14,099 --> 00:39:22,239
LOVE YOU TO A FLAG
1065
00:39:14,099 --> 00:39:22,239
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, OH, THIS
1066
00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:27,250
GUY'S LOST HIS MARBLES, BUT
1067
00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:27,250
YOU'RE SAYING IT TO A MANNEQUIN.
1068
00:39:27,250 --> 00:39:33,130
>>> THEN TRUMP VISITED THE CDC
1069
00:39:27,250 --> 00:39:33,130
>> EVERY ONE OF THESE DOCTORS
1070
00:39:33,130 --> 00:39:34,150
SAID, HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH
1071
00:39:33,130 --> 00:39:34,150
ABOUT THIS
1072
00:39:34,150 --> 00:39:37,159
MAYBE I HAVE A NATURAL ABILITY
1073
00:39:34,150 --> 00:39:37,159
MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT
1074
00:39:37,159 --> 00:39:39,139
INSTEAD OF RUNNING FOR
1075
00:39:37,159 --> 00:39:39,139
PRESIDENT.
1076
00:39:39,139 --> 00:39:46,179
>> OH, MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GOING
1077
00:39:39,139 --> 00:39:46,179
TO DIE
1078
00:39:46,179 --> 00:39:59,190
WHAT WILL DOES THAT MEAN, HE HAS
1079
00:39:46,179 --> 00:39:59,190
A NATURAL ABILITY FOR
1080
00:39:59,190 --> 00:40:00,119
CORONAVIRUS.
1081
00:39:59,190 --> 00:40:00,119
MAYBE, OR --
1082
00:40:00,119 --> 00:40:05,079
>> MAYBE IT'S BRAIN DISEASE.
1083
00:40:00,119 --> 00:40:05,079
>> THE ODDS OF US CATCHING
1084
00:40:05,079 --> 00:40:09,000
CORONAVIRUS IS ABOUT AS HIGH AS
1085
00:40:05,079 --> 00:40:09,000
US ENDING UP ON SATURDAY NIGHT
1086
00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:13,179
LIVE, AND HERE WE ARE, COLIN, WE
1087
00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:13,179
BOTH GONNA CATCH IT.
1088
00:40:13,179 --> 00:40:16,260
WE HAD A GOOD RUN, WE
1089
00:40:13,179 --> 00:40:16,260
ACCOMPLISHED A LOT
1090
00:40:16,260 --> 00:40:22,050
COULD YOU BELIEVE WE BOTH ALMOST
1091
00:40:16,260 --> 00:40:22,050
GOT TO MARRY SCARLET JOHANSSON
1092
00:40:22,050 --> 00:40:26,250
THAT'S CRAZY
1093
00:40:22,050 --> 00:40:26,250
[ LAUGHTER ]
1094
00:40:26,250 --> 00:40:30,150
>> IT WAS ANNOUNCED FRIDAY THAT
1095
00:40:26,250 --> 00:40:30,150
SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST HAS BEEN
1096
00:40:30,150 --> 00:40:33,239
CANCELLED BECAUSE OF THE
1097
00:40:30,150 --> 00:40:33,239
CORONAVIRUS.
1098
00:40:33,239 --> 00:40:37,239
MEANWHILE, CORONAVIRUS IS SET TO
1099
00:40:33,239 --> 00:40:37,239
HEADLINE COACHELLA
1100
00:40:37,239 --> 00:40:41,130
>>> IN BREAKING NEWS TODAY, IT
1101
00:40:37,239 --> 00:40:41,130
TURNS OUT THAT A GUEST AT THE
1102
00:40:41,130 --> 00:40:45,099
CONSERVATIVE CPAC CONFERENCE
1103
00:40:41,130 --> 00:40:45,099
WHICH WAS ATTENDED BY TRUMP AND
1104
00:40:45,099 --> 00:40:47,239
PENCE HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR
1105
00:40:45,099 --> 00:40:47,239
CORONAVIRUS.
1106
00:40:47,239 --> 00:40:53,090
WORSE, IT WAS THE GUY IN CHARGE
1107
00:40:47,239 --> 00:40:53,090
OF HANDLING TRUMP'S FLAG
1108
00:40:53,090 --> 00:40:56,250
THIS WEEK NEW YORK'S BAN ON
1109
00:40:53,090 --> 00:40:56,250
PLASTIC BAGS WENT INTO EFFECT.
1110
00:40:56,250 --> 00:40:59,190
HERE TO COMMENT ON ITS IMPACT IS
1111
00:40:56,250 --> 00:40:59,190
MY FRIEND AND PLASTICS EXPERT
1112
00:40:59,190 --> 00:41:11,199
BOTTLE BOY
1113
00:40:59,190 --> 00:41:11,199
>> HELLO, BOTTLE BOY, YOU'RE A
1114
00:41:11,199 --> 00:41:15,010
PLASTICS EXPERT?
1115
00:41:11,199 --> 00:41:15,010
>> YES, IT IS MY PASSION AND MY
1116
00:41:15,010 --> 00:41:17,039
FASHION.
1117
00:41:15,010 --> 00:41:17,039
>> AND YOU COLLECT PLASTIC
1118
00:41:17,039 --> 00:41:22,210
BOTTLES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD
1119
00:41:17,039 --> 00:41:22,210
>> DON'T SELL ME SHORT, COLIN
1120
00:41:22,210 --> 00:41:27,159
LAST YEAR BOTTLED WATER MADE
1121
00:41:22,210 --> 00:41:27,159
60,000 PENNIES
1122
00:41:27,159 --> 00:41:33,039
BUT IT'S TAX FREE.
1123
00:41:27,159 --> 00:41:33,039
>> IS IT HURTING YOUR INCOME
1124
00:41:33,039 --> 00:41:34,269
NOW?
1125
00:41:33,039 --> 00:41:34,269
>>.
1126
00:41:34,269 --> 00:41:38,079
>> THIS BAN DOESN'T AFFECT ME,
1127
00:41:34,269 --> 00:41:38,079
ALL NEW YORKERS NEED THEIR
1128
00:41:38,079 --> 00:41:43,170
PLASTIC.
1129
00:41:38,079 --> 00:41:43,170
LET'S SAY YOU'RE WALKING DOWN
1130
00:41:43,170 --> 00:41:47,119
33rd STREET WITH YOUR CHIHUAHUA
1131
00:41:43,170 --> 00:41:47,119
MIX, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO PICK
1132
00:41:47,119 --> 00:41:52,179
UP THAT DOO-DOO WITH, AN NPR
1133
00:41:47,119 --> 00:41:52,179
TOTE
1134
00:41:52,179 --> 00:41:55,280
>> YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S A GOOD
1135
00:41:52,179 --> 00:41:55,280
POINT.
1136
00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:59,190
WHAT DOES EVERYONE LINE THEIR
1137
00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:59,190
BATHROOM TRASH WITH?
1138
00:41:59,190 --> 00:42:04,239
A PLASTIC GROCERY BAG.
1139
00:41:59,190 --> 00:42:04,239
NOW YOU'RE GOING TO THROW YOUR
1140
00:42:04,239 --> 00:42:12,250
WET Q-TIPS INTO A BACKPACK
1141
00:42:04,239 --> 00:42:12,250
PUT YOUR TOENAIL BOOMERANGS INTO
1142
00:42:12,250 --> 00:42:15,099
A JANZPORT
1143
00:42:12,250 --> 00:42:15,099
NEVER.
1144
00:42:15,099 --> 00:42:17,289
>> HAVE YOU BROUGHT THIS UP TO
1145
00:42:15,099 --> 00:42:17,289
ANYONE
1146
00:42:17,289 --> 00:42:24,190
>> YES
1147
00:42:17,289 --> 00:42:24,190
I SAID CUOMO EVERY DAY, I GO BUY
1148
00:42:24,190 --> 00:42:27,219
ONE BIG PICKLE FROM THE TUB.
1149
00:42:24,190 --> 00:42:27,219
WHAT AM I GOING TO CARRY THAT IN
1150
00:42:27,219 --> 00:42:30,210
NOW, A MITTEN?
1151
00:42:27,219 --> 00:42:30,210
>> I GUESS I DIDN'T CONSIDER HOW
1152
00:42:30,210 --> 00:42:33,039
THESE POLICIES IMPACT THE
1153
00:42:30,210 --> 00:42:33,039
HOMELESS PEOPLE.
1154
00:42:33,039 --> 00:42:37,170
>> I'M NOT OMELESS,I LIVE
1155
00:42:33,039 --> 00:42:37,170
RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER FROM
1156
00:42:37,170 --> 00:42:41,219
YOU, IN THE FRENCH QUARTER OF
1157
00:42:37,170 --> 00:42:41,219
TIMES SQUARE
1158
00:42:41,219 --> 00:42:46,050
ALSO KNOWN AS THE BUBBA GUMP
1159
00:42:41,219 --> 00:42:46,050
SHRIMP COMPANY
1160
00:42:46,050 --> 00:42:50,050
>> YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, THIS
1161
00:42:46,050 --> 00:42:50,050
ISN'T ONLY ABOUT YOU
1162
00:42:50,050 --> 00:42:52,130
>> WE GET RID OF PLASTICS, THEN
1163
00:42:50,050 --> 00:42:52,130
WHAT
1164
00:42:52,130 --> 00:42:58,170
WE'RE NOT GIVING THE FISH IN THE
1165
00:42:52,130 --> 00:42:58,170
SEA THEIR NECKLACES NO MORE?
1166
00:42:58,170 --> 00:43:02,039
>> MR. TURTLE AIN'T GOING TO GET
1167
00:42:58,170 --> 00:43:02,039
NO NOSE RING
1168
00:43:02,039 --> 00:43:07,070
>> I'M NOT NO LEONARDODY
1169
00:43:02,039 --> 00:43:07,070
KAEPERNICK, I'M A BOTTLE BOY
1170
00:43:07,070 --> 00:43:11,230
>> AND IF YOUR NAME IS BOTTLE
1171
00:43:07,070 --> 00:43:11,230
BOY, WHY ARE YOU HUNG UP ON
1172
00:43:11,230 --> 00:43:14,019
PLASTIC BAGS
1173
00:43:11,230 --> 00:43:14,019
>> WELL, FIRST THEY COME FOR THE
1174
00:43:14,019 --> 00:43:16,250
BAGS, AND THEN THEY COME FOR THE
1175
00:43:14,019 --> 00:43:16,250
BOTTLES.
1176
00:43:16,250 --> 00:43:22,019
WHAT'S NEXT, NO MORE TOILETS ON
1177
00:43:16,250 --> 00:43:22,019
THE SUBWAY
1178
00:43:22,019 --> 00:43:25,110
>> YOU KNOW, THERE ARE NO
1179
00:43:22,019 --> 00:43:25,110
TOILETS ON THE SUBWAY?
1180
00:43:25,110 --> 00:43:27,269
>> THERE ARE IF YOU HAVE A
1181
00:43:25,110 --> 00:43:27,269
PLASTIC BAG.
1182
00:43:27,269 --> 00:43:31,090
>> BOTTLE BOY, EVERYBODY
1183
00:43:27,269 --> 00:43:31,090
>> I VOTED FOR YOU, MR. CUOMO, I
1184
00:43:31,090 --> 00:43:34,210
VOTED FOR YOU.
1185
00:43:36,110 --> 00:43:40,280
>> NASA ANNOUNCED IT IS LOOKING
1186
00:43:36,110 --> 00:43:40,280
FOR PEOPLE FROM DIVERSE
1187
00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:43,230
BACKGROUNDS TO BECOME ASTRONAUTS
1188
00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:43,230
FOR FUTURE MISSIONS TO MARS.
1189
00:43:43,230 --> 00:43:51,289
GOOD LUCK GETTING BLACK PEOPLE
1190
00:43:43,230 --> 00:43:51,289
ON A SHIP TO A NEW WORLD
1191
00:43:51,289 --> 00:43:55,150
>>> THE PRODUCERS OF THE
1192
00:43:51,289 --> 00:43:55,150
UPCOMING JAMES BOND MOVIE
1193
00:43:55,150 --> 00:43:58,110
ANNOUNCED THAT BECAUSE OF THE
1194
00:43:55,150 --> 00:43:58,110
CORONAVIRUS OUTBREAK, THEY'RE
1195
00:43:58,110 --> 00:44:01,070
PUSHING THE MOVIE'S RELEASE FROM
1196
00:43:58,110 --> 00:44:01,070
APRIL TO NOVEMBER.
1197
00:44:01,070 --> 00:44:03,199
THOUGH I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE
1198
00:44:01,070 --> 00:44:03,199
STILL RELEASED IN APRIL AND
1199
00:44:03,199 --> 00:44:11,190
TAKEN OUT THE NO
1200
00:44:03,199 --> 00:44:11,190
>> STUDENTS AT PENN STATE HELD A
1201
00:44:11,190 --> 00:44:16,250
CANDLELIGHT VIGIL FOR A CAMPUS
1202
00:44:11,190 --> 00:44:16,250
TACO BELL THAT IS CLOSING.
1203
00:44:16,250 --> 00:44:20,130
BECAUSE AFTER YOU EAT TACO BELL,
1204
00:44:16,250 --> 00:44:20,130
IT NEVER HURTS TO LIGHT A
1205
00:44:20,130 --> 00:44:25,210
CANDLE
1206
00:44:20,130 --> 00:44:25,210
[ LAUGHTER ]
1207
00:44:25,210 --> 00:44:27,289
>> A NORTH CAROLINA WOMAN
1208
00:44:25,210 --> 00:44:27,289
CELEBRATED HER 100th BIRTHDAY BY
1209
00:44:27,289 --> 00:44:30,030
ASKING A SHERIFF'S DEPUTY TO
1210
00:44:27,289 --> 00:44:30,030
ARREST HER FOR THE FIRST TIME
1211
00:44:30,030 --> 00:44:31,190
EVER
1212
00:44:30,030 --> 00:44:31,190
AND TAKE HER TO JAIL
1213
00:44:31,190 --> 00:44:35,079
NO NEED TO LOOK IT UP, SHE'S
1214
00:44:31,190 --> 00:44:35,079
WHITE.
1215
00:44:35,079 --> 00:44:41,130
[ LAUGHTER ]
1216
00:44:35,079 --> 00:44:41,130
>>> DUNKIN' DONUTS ANNOUNCED
1217
00:44:41,130 --> 00:44:45,150
THAT EVERY FRIDAY IN MARCH IT
1218
00:44:41,130 --> 00:44:45,150
WILL GIVE AWAY A FREE DOUGHNUT
1219
00:44:45,150 --> 00:44:51,019
WITH A DRINK PURCHASE.
1220
00:44:45,150 --> 00:44:51,019
DUNKIN' DONUTS, YOU CAN'T
1221
00:44:51,019 --> 00:44:58,059
DIE-A-BEAT-US.
1222
00:44:51,019 --> 00:44:58,059
>>> AND NOW ONCE AGAIN, THE
1223
00:44:58,059 --> 00:45:02,159
WEEKEND UPDATE PRESENTS -- THE
1224
00:44:58,059 --> 00:45:02,159
WEEKND UPDATE.
1225
00:45:02,159 --> 00:45:04,190
>> FEELING GOOD.
1226
00:45:02,159 --> 00:45:04,190
♪
1227
00:45:04,190 --> 00:45:11,099
>> Announcer: THE WEEKND UPDATE.
1228
00:45:16,110 --> 00:45:17,269
>> TWO MEN WERE ARRESTED IN
1229
00:45:16,110 --> 00:45:17,269
INDIA TRYING TO SMUGGLE IN WHALE
1230
00:45:17,269 --> 00:45:19,289
VOMIT.
1231
00:45:17,269 --> 00:45:19,289
OR AS IT'S KNOWN COMMERCIALLY, A
1232
00:45:19,289 --> 00:45:25,199
SHAMROCK SHAKE
1233
00:45:19,289 --> 00:45:25,199
[ LAUGHTER ]
1234
00:45:25,199 --> 00:45:27,059
>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT AS PART
1235
00:45:25,199 --> 00:45:27,059
OF WILLIAM SHATNER'S DIVORCE
1236
00:45:27,059 --> 00:45:29,079
SETTLEMENT FROM HIS EX-WIFE, HE
1237
00:45:27,059 --> 00:45:29,079
WILL GAIN CUSTODY OF THE
1238
00:45:29,079 --> 00:45:32,119
COUPLE'S SUPPLY OF HORSE SEMEN
1239
00:45:29,079 --> 00:45:32,119
NOW, I DON'T WANT TO SPECULATE
1240
00:45:32,119 --> 00:45:34,170
ON WHAT HE'S DOING WITH ALL THAT
1241
00:45:32,119 --> 00:45:34,170
HORSE SEMEN, BUT DUDE'S ALMOST
1242
00:45:34,170 --> 00:45:41,239
90
1243
00:45:34,170 --> 00:45:41,239
AND HIS SKIN LOOKS AMAZING
1244
00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:45,179
>>> A NEW STUDY CLAIMS THAT
1245
00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:45,179
NEGATIVE GENDER STEREOTYPES
1246
00:45:45,179 --> 00:45:48,190
KEEPS BOYS FROM READING.
1247
00:45:45,179 --> 00:45:48,190
I WAS GOING TO READ MORE ON THIS
1248
00:45:48,190 --> 00:45:57,269
STUDY, BUT WHAT AM I, GAY?
1249
00:45:48,190 --> 00:45:57,269
>>> RELATIVES OF AN 11-YEAR-OLD
1250
00:45:57,269 --> 00:46:01,170
BOY WERE FINED AFTER THEY GOT
1251
00:45:57,269 --> 00:46:01,170
FED UP WITH HIM PLAYING GRAND
1252
00:46:01,170 --> 00:46:04,219
THEFT AUTO TOO MUCH AND LET HIM
1253
00:46:01,170 --> 00:46:04,219
DRIVE A REAL CAR
1254
00:46:04,219 --> 00:46:12,030
ALSO FED UP, THE PROSTITUTES HE
1255
00:46:04,219 --> 00:46:12,030
TRIED TO RUN OVER.
1256
00:46:12,030 --> 00:46:13,199
>> WELL, THERE'S A LOT GOING ON
1257
00:46:12,030 --> 00:46:13,199
RIGHT NOW.
1258
00:46:13,199 --> 00:46:15,210
AND HERE WITH HER THOUGHTS ON
1259
00:46:13,199 --> 00:46:15,210
ALL OF IT IS THE GIRL YOU WISH
1260
00:46:15,210 --> 00:46:18,260
YOU HADN'T STARTED A
1261
00:46:15,210 --> 00:46:18,260
CONVERSATION WITH AT A PARTY
1262
00:46:18,260 --> 00:46:24,070
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
1263
00:46:18,260 --> 00:46:24,070
>> MICHAEL, IT'S GOOD TO BE
1264
00:46:24,070 --> 00:46:26,239
BACK
1265
00:46:24,070 --> 00:46:26,239
>> WELL, YEAH, WE HAVEN'T SEEN
1266
00:46:26,239 --> 00:46:33,050
YOU IN AWHILE.
1267
00:46:26,239 --> 00:46:33,050
THIS WHOLE QDOBA VIRUS HAS
1268
00:46:33,050 --> 00:46:35,019
BEEN BLOWN WAY OUT OF ABORTION,
1269
00:46:33,050 --> 00:46:35,019
OKAY
1270
00:46:35,019 --> 00:46:37,039
IT'S INEXCUSAMAL
1271
00:46:35,019 --> 00:46:37,039
IT'S MISRESPECTFUL
1272
00:46:37,039 --> 00:46:40,070
I'M SORRY, THE WORLD HEALTH
1273
00:46:37,039 --> 00:46:40,070
ORGANIZATION SAID THEY'RE OUT OF
1274
00:46:40,070 --> 00:46:42,099
HAND SYNTHESIZERS?
1275
00:46:40,070 --> 00:46:42,099
IT'S LIKE, PLAY ANOTHER
1276
00:46:42,099 --> 00:46:44,130
INSTRUMENT
1277
00:46:42,099 --> 00:46:44,130
[ LAUGHTER ]
1278
00:46:44,130 --> 00:46:46,150
LIKE, I'M SORRY, MICHAEL
1279
00:46:44,130 --> 00:46:46,150
YOU DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY
1280
00:46:46,150 --> 00:46:48,159
MUSOTOMY IN CALLING IT A WO-MAN
1281
00:46:46,150 --> 00:46:48,159
VIRUS AND NOT THE MAN VIRUS?
1282
00:46:48,159 --> 00:46:51,039
>> NO, I THINK IT'S WUHAN.
1283
00:46:48,159 --> 00:46:51,039
WUHAN.
1284
00:46:51,039 --> 00:46:54,289
>> WOW, AND YOU'RE DOING THE
1285
00:46:51,039 --> 00:46:54,289
VOICE.
1286
00:46:54,289 --> 00:46:58,159
>> LET'S DO A SCIENCE
1287
00:46:54,289 --> 00:46:58,159
EXPERIMENT
1288
00:46:58,159 --> 00:47:04,190
>> OKAY.
1289
00:46:58,159 --> 00:47:04,190
OPEN REAL WHITE.
1290
00:47:04,190 --> 00:47:05,239
I'M GOING TO PUT MY WHOLE HAND
1291
00:47:04,190 --> 00:47:05,239
IN
1292
00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:08,260
>> NO.
1293
00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:08,260
MICHAEL, YOU NEED TO WAKE UP,
1294
00:47:08,260 --> 00:47:10,130
OPEN YOUR EYES, AND YOUR EARS
1295
00:47:08,260 --> 00:47:10,130
AND YOUR MOUTH.
1296
00:47:10,130 --> 00:47:12,000
SO, I CAN PUT MY HAND IN
1297
00:47:10,130 --> 00:47:12,000
>> NO.
1298
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:14,019
[ LAUGHTER ]
1299
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:14,019
>> COLIN WOULD LET ME.
1300
00:47:14,019 --> 00:47:20,250
>> YEAH, 'CAUSE I'M A FREAK.
1301
00:47:14,019 --> 00:47:20,250
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S CHANGE THIS
1302
00:47:20,250 --> 00:47:23,110
UP
1303
00:47:30,110 --> 00:47:32,130
>> THE WHOLE THING IS RIBBED FOR
1304
00:47:30,110 --> 00:47:32,130
NO ONE'S PLEASURE.
1305
00:47:32,130 --> 00:47:34,000
IT'S LIKE --
1306
00:47:32,130 --> 00:47:34,000
[ LAUGHTER ]
1307
00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:36,019
EVERYONE'S SOCIALISM NOW
1308
00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:36,019
BUT HOW DID THAT WORK OUT FOR
1309
00:47:36,019 --> 00:47:38,039
VUVUZELA
1310
00:47:36,019 --> 00:47:38,039
LOUD
1311
00:47:38,039 --> 00:47:40,059
[ LAUGHTER ]
1312
00:47:38,039 --> 00:47:40,059
I'M SORRY I'M NOT JUST FOLLOWING
1313
00:47:40,059 --> 00:47:41,230
ALL THE OTHER LEPERS AND JUMPING
1314
00:47:40,059 --> 00:47:41,230
OFF A CLIFF.
1315
00:47:41,230 --> 00:47:42,289
YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND, MICHAEL,
1316
00:47:41,230 --> 00:47:42,289
THERE ARE NEWBORN BABIES WHO
1317
00:47:42,289 --> 00:47:43,289
CAN'T EVEN READ OR WRITE
1318
00:47:42,289 --> 00:47:43,289
MEANWHILE, IT'S LIKE THE
1319
00:47:43,289 --> 00:47:45,269
BRAZILIAN RAINFOREST IS BURNING.
1320
00:47:43,289 --> 00:47:45,269
IT'S LIKE, YEAH, IF YOU KEEP
1321
00:47:45,269 --> 00:47:54,110
WAXING, IT'S GOING TO BURN
1322
00:47:45,269 --> 00:47:54,110
[ LAUGHTER ]
1323
00:47:54,110 --> 00:47:58,119
>> OKAY, SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK
1324
00:47:54,110 --> 00:47:58,119
THE SOLUTION IS?
1325
00:47:58,119 --> 00:48:01,030
>> WHY DO WE HAVE A TWO PARTY
1326
00:47:58,119 --> 00:48:01,030
SYSTEM
1327
00:48:01,030 --> 00:48:08,199
WHY CAN'T WE HAVE ONE PARTY.
1328
00:48:01,030 --> 00:48:08,199
AND EVERYONE NOT MISS THE OTHER
1329
00:48:08,199 --> 00:48:16,050
ONE.
1330
00:48:08,199 --> 00:48:16,050
GIVE EVERYONE HOMO
1331
00:48:16,050 --> 00:48:25,289
>> YOU MEAN FOMO
1332
00:48:16,050 --> 00:48:25,289
SINDA.
1333
00:48:25,289 --> 00:48:27,150
SINDA.
1334
00:48:25,289 --> 00:48:27,150
THAT'S MY FRIEND SINDA
1335
00:48:27,150 --> 00:48:29,170
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO TO A
1336
00:48:27,150 --> 00:48:29,170
JOE BIDEN RALLY LATER AND, LIKE,
1337
00:48:29,170 --> 00:48:31,039
TACKLE HIS WIFE.
1338
00:48:29,170 --> 00:48:31,039
[ ALERT SOUND
1339
00:48:31,039 --> 00:48:33,059
>> WHAT?
1340
00:48:31,039 --> 00:48:33,059
>> OH, I JUST MATCHED WITH
1341
00:48:33,059 --> 00:48:34,269
MOHAMMAD BIN SALMANARIA.
1342
00:48:33,059 --> 00:48:34,269
LISTEN, THE POINT IS, PEOPLE ARE
1343
00:48:34,269 --> 00:48:36,030
SICK OF THE HYPOCRISY, MICHAEL
1344
00:48:34,269 --> 00:48:36,030
MAYBE STOP WATCHING CABLE NEWS
1345
00:48:36,030 --> 00:48:37,269
28/7 AND ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING
1346
00:48:36,030 --> 00:48:37,269
>> LIKE WHAT
1347
00:48:37,269 --> 00:48:39,130
>> I'VE BEEN FINDING A LOT OF
1348
00:48:37,269 --> 00:48:39,130
TIME WITH JOAQUIN PHOENIX
1349
00:48:39,130 --> 00:48:41,150
RECENTLY
1350
00:48:39,130 --> 00:48:41,150
I WROTE HIS SPEECHES FOR THE
1351
00:48:41,150 --> 00:48:45,110
OSCARS, THE GOLDEN GLOBES, AND
1352
00:48:41,150 --> 00:48:45,110
THE NAMBLA'S
1353
00:48:45,110 --> 00:48:51,090
MAYBE STOP LETTING COWS FLY
1354
00:48:45,110 --> 00:48:51,090
PRIVATE PLANES TO PALM SPRINGS
1355
00:48:51,090 --> 00:48:52,250
OH AND WHAT, SO JOHN JUNIOR CAN,
1356
00:48:51,090 --> 00:48:52,250
LIKE, RUN THE TRUMP COMPANY?
1357
00:48:52,250 --> 00:48:55,130
BUT HUMPER BIDEN CAN'T WORK AS A
1358
00:48:52,250 --> 00:48:55,130
BARISTA?
1359
00:48:55,130 --> 00:48:57,170
THAT'S NECROPHILISM, MICHAEL
1360
00:48:55,130 --> 00:48:57,170
>> JUST TELL US ONE PRACTICAL
1361
00:48:57,170 --> 00:49:00,039
THING YOU WANT PEOPLE TO DO.
1362
00:48:57,170 --> 00:49:00,039
>> I DON'T KNOW, HOW ABOUT STOP
1363
00:49:00,039 --> 00:49:08,170
WORRYING ABOUT TOUCHING YOUR
1364
00:49:00,039 --> 00:49:08,170
FACE AND START TOUCHING BEHIND
1365
00:49:08,170 --> 00:49:11,210
YOUR MOUTH
1366
00:49:08,170 --> 00:49:11,210
>> NO.
1367
00:49:11,210 --> 00:49:13,230
JUST STOP TOUCHING -
1368
00:49:11,210 --> 00:49:13,230
>> EVERYBODY'S, LIKE, SO
1369
00:49:13,230 --> 00:49:15,130
SENSITIVE.
1370
00:49:13,230 --> 00:49:15,130
IT'S LIKE, WHAT, JUST BECAUSE I
1371
00:49:15,130 --> 00:49:17,110
HAVE A HIGH FEVER AND I'M
1372
00:49:15,130 --> 00:49:17,110
COUGHING ALL THE TIME, AND I
1373
00:49:17,110 --> 00:49:18,159
HAVE DIARRHEAKA, LIKE, THAT'S
1374
00:49:17,110 --> 00:49:18,159
MEANS I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GO
1375
00:49:18,159 --> 00:49:19,289
OUT?
1376
00:49:18,159 --> 00:49:19,289
>> YES, YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE
1377
00:49:19,289 --> 00:49:21,059
>> FINE, WHAT IF I WEAR A MASK
1378
00:49:19,289 --> 00:49:21,059
>> OKAY, THAT'S AT LEAST BETTER.
1379
00:49:21,059 --> 00:49:31,039
BUT --
1380
00:49:21,059 --> 00:49:31,039
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
1381
00:49:31,039 --> 00:49:32,210
OH, MY GOD, GIRL AT THE PARTY,
1382
00:49:31,039 --> 00:49:32,210
EVERYBODY.
1383
00:49:32,210 --> 00:49:33,219
>> DON'T GET ON THIS TOM CRUISE
1384
00:49:32,210 --> 00:49:33,219
SHIP
1385
00:49:33,219 --> 00:49:35,090
>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M
1386
00:49:33,219 --> 00:49:35,090
MICHAEL CHE.
1387
00:49:35,090 --> 00:49:37,199
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
1388
00:49:35,090 --> 00:49:37,199
GOOD NIGHT
1389
00:49:37,199 --> 00:49:46,010
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
1390
00:49:37,199 --> 00:49:46,010
♪
1391
00:49:46,010 --> 00:49:48,150
>>> EXCUSE ME, MR. JOHNSON,
1392
00:49:46,010 --> 00:49:48,150
DANIEL CRAIG IS HERE FOR HIS
1393
00:49:48,150 --> 00:49:53,210
SESSION.
1394
00:49:48,150 --> 00:49:53,210
>> OKAY.
1395
00:49:53,210 --> 00:49:55,079
SEND HIM IN.
1396
00:49:53,210 --> 00:49:55,079
>> THEY'RE READY FOR YOU
1397
00:49:55,079 --> 00:49:57,099
>> THERE HE IS, THE FUTURE
1398
00:49:55,079 --> 00:49:57,099
DETECTIVE, BENOIT BLANK.
1399
00:49:57,099 --> 00:49:58,110
YOU REMEMBER OUR CASTING
1400
00:49:57,099 --> 00:49:58,110
DIRECTOR.
1401
00:49:58,110 --> 00:50:01,150
>> WE'RE SO HAPPY YOU'RE JOINING
1402
00:49:58,110 --> 00:50:01,150
THE KNIVES OUT FAMILY.
1403
00:50:01,150 --> 00:50:05,050
>> YEAH, WE REALLY SCORED WITH
1404
00:50:01,150 --> 00:50:05,050
THIS WHOLE CAST.
1405
00:50:05,050 --> 00:50:08,099
>> YEAH, I CAN'T WAIT TO START
1406
00:50:05,050 --> 00:50:08,099
SHOOTING OPINION.
1407
00:50:08,099 --> 00:50:12,119
>> GREAT, TODAY WE WANT TO FOCUS
1408
00:50:08,099 --> 00:50:12,119
ON DEVELOPING YOUR CHARACTER
1409
00:50:12,119 --> 00:50:13,289
>> AS YOU KNOW, DETECTIVE BLANK
1410
00:50:12,119 --> 00:50:13,289
IS A GENTEEL SOUTHERN SLEUTH,
1411
00:50:13,289 --> 00:50:15,150
WE'D LIKE YOU TO DO A SOUTHERN
1412
00:50:13,289 --> 00:50:15,150
ACCENT
1413
00:50:15,150 --> 00:50:17,170
>> YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
1414
00:50:15,150 --> 00:50:17,170
BUT IS IT OKAY IF I BRING IN MY
1415
00:50:17,170 --> 00:50:26,010
ACCENT COACH REAL QUICK?
1416
00:50:17,170 --> 00:50:26,010
HEY, FRANKIE
1417
00:50:26,010 --> 00:50:28,190
COME ON.
1418
00:50:26,010 --> 00:50:28,190
>> KNOCK KNOCK
1419
00:50:28,190 --> 00:50:29,239
>> HELLO, HELLO.
1420
00:50:28,190 --> 00:50:29,239
I'M FRANK HUGHES DANIEL'S ACCENT
1421
00:50:29,239 --> 00:50:31,090
COACH.
1422
00:50:29,239 --> 00:50:31,090
I HAVE TO SAY, I'M SURE YOU'RE
1423
00:50:31,090 --> 00:50:32,260
VERY WELL AWARE ALREADY.
1424
00:50:31,090 --> 00:50:32,260
BUT YOU'RE LUCKY TO BE WORKING
1425
00:50:32,260 --> 00:50:34,139
WITH DAN
1426
00:50:32,260 --> 00:50:34,139
>> YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT A PRO,
1427
00:50:34,139 --> 00:50:39,010
FRANK IS A MAGICIAN.
1428
00:50:34,139 --> 00:50:39,010
>> SIR, I BLUSH.
1429
00:50:39,010 --> 00:50:45,219
WHAT ARE WE COOKING UP TODAY,
1430
00:50:39,010 --> 00:50:45,219
GANG
1431
00:50:45,219 --> 00:50:53,030
>> YEAH, WE JUST WANT DAN HERE
1432
00:50:45,219 --> 00:50:53,030
TO DO A SOUTHERN ACCENT.
1433
00:50:53,030 --> 00:50:54,199
>> MY SPECIALTY.
1434
00:50:53,030 --> 00:50:54,199
IS THERE A CERTAIN PROVINCE YOU
1435
00:50:54,199 --> 00:50:57,230
HAVE IN MIND
1436
00:50:54,199 --> 00:50:57,230
>> I GUESS WE DEFAULT TO YOU
1437
00:50:57,230 --> 00:50:58,239
>> WHATEVER YOU THINK IS IN
1438
00:50:57,230 --> 00:50:58,239
DAN'S RANGE.
1439
00:50:58,239 --> 00:51:02,179
>> WHY DON'T WE START IN THE
1440
00:50:58,239 --> 00:51:02,179
OZARKS OF ARKANSAS
1441
00:51:02,179 --> 00:51:08,219
A BANJO TINKIES IN THE DISTANCE.
1442
00:51:02,179 --> 00:51:08,219
AND DETECTIVE BLANK CALLS OUT,
1443
00:51:08,219 --> 00:51:10,260
HEY, BOY
1444
00:51:08,219 --> 00:51:10,260
SOMETHING LIKE THAT IS MAYBE
1445
00:51:10,260 --> 00:51:19,199
WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR?
1446
00:51:10,260 --> 00:51:19,199
>> THAT COULD BE FUN.
1447
00:51:19,199 --> 00:51:22,230
>> NO.
1448
00:51:19,199 --> 00:51:22,230
I THINK WE WANT SOMETHING A
1449
00:51:22,230 --> 00:51:24,130
LITTLE MORE SUBTLE
1450
00:51:22,230 --> 00:51:24,130
>> MY HUSBAND'S FROM ARKANSAS,
1451
00:51:24,130 --> 00:51:27,139
AND HE DOESN'T TALK LIKE THAT.
1452
00:51:24,130 --> 00:51:27,139
>> OKAY.
1453
00:51:27,139 --> 00:51:31,179
WELL, WHY DON'T WE TAKE A TRIP
1454
00:51:27,139 --> 00:51:31,179
DOWN TO ALABAMA.
1455
00:51:31,179 --> 00:51:41,269
THEY HAVE SOME GOOD TURTLES DOWN
1456
00:51:31,179 --> 00:51:41,269
THERE.
1457
00:51:41,269 --> 00:51:47,110
YOU BETTER GET ME A FAN BECAUSE
1458
00:51:41,269 --> 00:51:47,110
IT'S HOT
1459
00:51:47,110 --> 00:51:49,170
MY BUTT IS HOT
1460
00:51:47,110 --> 00:51:49,170
OH, LORD MY BUTT IS HOT.
1461
00:51:49,170 --> 00:51:57,260
>> DOES THAT WORK FOR YOU?
1462
00:51:49,170 --> 00:51:57,260
>> HE CO BE LIKE OH, LORD, BIG
1463
00:51:57,260 --> 00:52:02,150
OLD BUTT IS SO DAMN HOT.
1464
00:51:57,260 --> 00:52:02,150
>> DAN
1465
00:52:02,150 --> 00:52:05,030
>> YEAH, THAT'S INCREDIBLE
1466
00:52:02,150 --> 00:52:05,030
>> SHOULD WE GO WITH THAT?
1467
00:52:05,030 --> 00:52:06,039
>> YEAH, AGAIN, I DON'T THINK
1468
00:52:05,030 --> 00:52:06,039
SO, GUYS
1469
00:52:06,039 --> 00:52:07,210
>> MILLION HUGHES, WHERE DID YOU
1470
00:52:06,039 --> 00:52:07,210
SAY YOU WERE FROM?
1471
00:52:07,210 --> 00:52:13,239
>> MARYLAND.
1472
00:52:07,210 --> 00:52:13,239
>> AND HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO THE
1473
00:52:13,239 --> 00:52:15,250
SOUTH?
1474
00:52:13,239 --> 00:52:15,250
>> NO.
1475
00:52:15,250 --> 00:52:22,010
BUT I HAVE STUDY THE REGION,
1476
00:52:15,250 --> 00:52:22,010
MAINLY THROUGH CARTOONS,
1477
00:52:22,010 --> 00:52:26,059
YOSEMITE SAM, FOG HORN LEG HORN.
1478
00:52:22,010 --> 00:52:26,059
>> I'M SORRY, I THINK WE'D
1479
00:52:26,059 --> 00:52:28,150
RATHER WORK WITH SOMEONE A
1480
00:52:26,059 --> 00:52:28,150
LITTLE MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE.
1481
00:52:28,150 --> 00:52:30,010
>> COME ON, YOU HAVE TO GIVE HIM
1482
00:52:28,150 --> 00:52:30,010
A CHANCE
1483
00:52:30,010 --> 00:52:31,179
MAYBE WE JUST HAVEN'T FOUND IT
1484
00:52:30,010 --> 00:52:31,179
YET.
1485
00:52:31,179 --> 00:52:34,050
>> YEAH, MAYBE HE'S A DETECTIVE
1486
00:52:31,179 --> 00:52:34,050
FROM GEORGIA
1487
00:52:34,050 --> 00:52:40,280
IT'S SO HOT.
1488
00:52:34,050 --> 00:52:40,280
BOY MY BRITCHES IS WET, ON
1489
00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:43,019
ACCOUNT OF MY BIG OLD BUTT IS
1490
00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:43,019
WET AND HOT.
1491
00:52:43,019 --> 00:52:49,210
>> I REALLY LIKE THAT ONE, YES
1492
00:52:43,019 --> 00:52:49,210
CAN YOU TEACH ME THAT?
1493
00:52:49,210 --> 00:52:50,170
>> YEAH, YOU JUST WANT TO DROP
1494
00:52:49,210 --> 00:52:50,170
YOUR JAW
1495
00:52:50,170 --> 00:52:51,170
KEEP IT REAL LOOSE LIKE THIS
1496
00:52:50,170 --> 00:52:51,170
OPEN IT UP LIKE THIS
1497
00:52:51,170 --> 00:53:00,070
>> IT'S SO HOT
1498
00:52:51,170 --> 00:53:00,070
>> OKAY.
1499
00:53:00,070 --> 00:53:06,110
I'M SORRY, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE
1500
00:53:00,070 --> 00:53:06,110
HOT BUTT TALK?
1501
00:53:06,110 --> 00:53:09,289
>> THAT'S WHAT THEY SOUND LIKE
1502
00:53:06,110 --> 00:53:09,289
IT'S VERY HOT IN THE SOUTH
1503
00:53:09,289 --> 00:53:11,039
>> YEAH, USE YOUR BRAIN.
1504
00:53:09,289 --> 00:53:11,039
>> MY BUTT GETS HOT UP NORTH
1505
00:53:11,039 --> 00:53:13,230
JUST IMAGINE HOW HOT IT WOULD BE
1506
00:53:11,039 --> 00:53:13,230
DOWN SOUTH
1507
00:53:13,230 --> 00:53:19,179
>> YOU STEAM YOUR JEANS.
1508
00:53:13,230 --> 00:53:19,179
>> EXACTLY, DANIEL
1509
00:53:19,179 --> 00:53:23,219
>> LET'S JUST READ SOME LINES
1510
00:53:19,179 --> 00:53:23,219
AND LET DANIEL FIND THE VOICE
1511
00:53:23,219 --> 00:53:25,239
HIMSELF.
1512
00:53:23,219 --> 00:53:25,239
>> OKAY.
1513
00:53:25,239 --> 00:53:27,010
>> FRANK, WOULD YOU MIND READING
1514
00:53:25,239 --> 00:53:27,010
FOR MARTA, THE SOUTH AMERICAN
1515
00:53:27,010 --> 00:53:28,280
NURSE?
1516
00:53:27,010 --> 00:53:28,280
>> SURE, SHE'S FROM THE SOUTH OF
1517
00:53:28,280 --> 00:53:30,289
AMERICA.
1518
00:53:28,280 --> 00:53:30,289
GOT IT
1519
00:53:30,289 --> 00:53:35,199
>> LET'S DO IT, AND ACTION
1520
00:53:30,289 --> 00:53:35,199
>> AFTER MUCH ANALYSIS OF THE
1521
00:53:35,199 --> 00:53:41,269
FACTS.
1522
00:53:35,199 --> 00:53:41,269
I'VE COME TO A CONCLUSION OF THE
1523
00:53:41,269 --> 00:53:47,110
PERPETRATOR OF THIS HERE MURDER.
1524
00:53:41,269 --> 00:53:47,110
>> WELL, NOW, I SAY MR. BLANK, I
1525
00:53:47,110 --> 00:53:50,150
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT
1526
00:53:47,110 --> 00:53:50,150
HAPPENED TO THAT MAN THAT DIED
1527
00:53:50,150 --> 00:53:54,159
>> I'M SORRY, WHAT DOES IT SAY
1528
00:53:50,150 --> 00:53:54,159
HERE
1529
00:53:54,159 --> 00:53:59,099
>> MARTHA PUKES.
1530
00:53:54,159 --> 00:53:59,099
>> OH, MY GOD.
1531
00:53:59,099 --> 00:54:01,280
>> COME ON, DUDE
1532
00:53:59,099 --> 00:54:01,280
>> WHAT?
1533
00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:06,019
IT SAYS IN THE SCRIPT, MARTHA
1534
00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:06,019
PUKES.
1535
00:54:06,019 --> 00:54:07,030
>> YOU CAN JUST PUKE ON COMMAND?
1536
00:54:06,019 --> 00:54:07,030
>> OF COURSE I CAN
1537
00:54:07,030 --> 00:54:09,059
I'M AN ACTOR
1538
00:54:07,030 --> 00:54:09,059
DANIEL, CAN'T YOU?
1539
00:54:09,059 --> 00:54:15,119
>> YES, I CAN.
1540
00:54:09,059 --> 00:54:15,119
>> OKAY.
1541
00:54:15,119 --> 00:54:30,190
>> COME ON, GUYS
1542
00:54:15,119 --> 00:54:30,190
>> HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?
1543
00:54:30,190 --> 00:54:40,159
>> COME ON, WE'RE ACTORS
1544
00:54:30,190 --> 00:54:40,159
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
1545
00:54:40,159 --> 00:54:44,019
>>> ONE MORE SETTLEMENT AND
1546
00:54:40,159 --> 00:54:44,019
BOOM, THAT'S SEVEN VICTORY
1547
00:54:44,019 --> 00:54:46,199
POINTS
1548
00:54:44,019 --> 00:54:46,199
MARK IT.
1549
00:54:46,199 --> 00:54:52,050
>> OH, MAN
1550
00:54:46,199 --> 00:54:52,050
>> I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A
1551
00:54:52,050 --> 00:54:54,210
PLEASANT GAME NIGHT WITH MY
1552
00:54:52,050 --> 00:54:54,210
WIFE'S WORK FRIENDS, NOT A BLOOD
1553
00:54:54,210 --> 00:54:56,110
BATH
1554
00:54:54,210 --> 00:54:56,110
>> WELL, I HATE TO BREAK IT TO
1555
00:54:56,110 --> 00:54:57,269
YOU, I THINK WE'RE OUT OF GAME
1556
00:54:56,110 --> 00:54:57,269
IT'S LATE, WE SHOULD PROBABLY
1557
00:54:57,269 --> 00:55:02,000
GET GOING ANYWAYS.
1558
00:54:57,269 --> 00:55:02,000
>> OR WE COULD QUOTE
1559
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:03,170
>> WHAT'S THAT
1560
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:03,170
>> WE COULD QUOTE.
1561
00:55:03,170 --> 00:55:08,070
LIKE, SAY LINES FROM MOVIES AND
1562
00:55:03,170 --> 00:55:08,070
THEN GUESS THEM.
1563
00:55:08,070 --> 00:55:11,250
>> OH, YEAH, OKAY.
1564
00:55:08,070 --> 00:55:11,250
IS THAT A GAME THAT YOU LIKE
1565
00:55:11,250 --> 00:55:18,170
>> YEAH.
1566
00:55:11,250 --> 00:55:18,170
IT REALLY IS
1567
00:55:18,170 --> 00:55:20,059
>> I JUST CALLED A LYFT HOME
1568
00:55:18,170 --> 00:55:20,059
>> THEN CANCEL IT, BECAUSE IT
1569
00:55:20,059 --> 00:55:25,099
LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING TO QUOTE.
1570
00:55:20,059 --> 00:55:25,099
>> OKAY.
1571
00:55:25,099 --> 00:55:27,269
I COULD START.
1572
00:55:25,099 --> 00:55:27,269
YOU'RE A WIZARD, HARRY
1573
00:55:27,269 --> 00:55:34,000
>> HARRY POTTER AND THE
1574
00:55:27,269 --> 00:55:34,000
SOURCER'S STONE.
1575
00:55:34,000 --> 00:55:38,079
>> SHE'S RIGHT
1576
00:55:34,000 --> 00:55:38,079
>> COOL, AND NOW I GET TO GO
1577
00:55:38,079 --> 00:55:43,130
BECAUSE I GOT THAT ONE
1578
00:55:38,079 --> 00:55:43,130
OH, OKAY, I NEED TWO NEW SUITS
1579
00:55:43,130 --> 00:55:46,000
OFF THE RACK, ONE LIGHT AND ONE
1580
00:55:43,130 --> 00:55:46,000
DARK
1581
00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:47,170
>> NO CLUE
1582
00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:47,170
>> OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
1583
00:55:47,170 --> 00:55:50,050
I KNOW THIS.
1584
00:55:47,170 --> 00:55:50,050
IT'S THE -
1585
00:55:50,050 --> 00:55:51,059
THE AVIATOR.
1586
00:55:50,050 --> 00:55:51,059
>> OH, DAMN IT
1587
00:55:51,059 --> 00:55:55,110
THAT WAS TOO EASY.
1588
00:55:51,059 --> 00:55:55,110
>> EASY?
1589
00:55:55,110 --> 00:55:57,130
IT SOUNDED VAGUE AS HELL
1590
00:55:55,110 --> 00:55:57,130
>> WOW
1591
00:55:57,130 --> 00:56:02,190
YOU KNOW YOUR QUOTES
1592
00:55:57,130 --> 00:56:02,190
>> YEAH, I DO, ACTUALLY.
1593
00:56:02,190 --> 00:56:10,280
>> BIG D ENERGY OVER THERE
1594
00:56:02,190 --> 00:56:10,280
>> YEAH.
1595
00:56:10,280 --> 00:56:18,219
>> LOUIS, WHAT WAS THAT?
1596
00:56:10,280 --> 00:56:18,219
>> IT'S MY TURN, HERE WE GO.
1597
00:56:18,219 --> 00:56:21,090
THANKS FOR WALKING HIM
1598
00:56:18,219 --> 00:56:21,090
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M NOT
1599
00:56:21,090 --> 00:56:25,280
FEELING SO WELL.
1600
00:56:21,090 --> 00:56:25,280
>> AS GOOD AS IT GETS.
1601
00:56:25,280 --> 00:56:28,000
>> WHAT, YOU'RE KILLING ME
1602
00:56:25,280 --> 00:56:28,000
>> WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DO
1603
00:56:28,000 --> 00:56:29,010
THAT
1604
00:56:28,000 --> 00:56:29,010
>> WHAT, DEEP QUOTE?
1605
00:56:29,010 --> 00:56:34,219
>> YEAH.
1606
00:56:29,010 --> 00:56:34,219
>> MAYBE BECAUSE I SPEND A LOT
1607
00:56:34,219 --> 00:56:38,269
OF TIME WATCHING MOVIES ALL THE
1608
00:56:34,219 --> 00:56:38,269
TIME
1609
00:56:38,269 --> 00:56:45,030
>> SO YOU'RE A LITTLE QUOTE
1610
00:56:38,269 --> 00:56:45,030
QUEEN?
1611
00:56:45,030 --> 00:56:50,090
>> YOU COULD SAY THAT.
1612
00:56:45,030 --> 00:56:50,090
WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE A SLICK
1613
00:56:50,090 --> 00:56:54,289
DADDY?
1614
00:56:50,090 --> 00:56:54,289
ONLY THE BIGGEST FLICK DADDY
1615
00:56:54,289 --> 00:56:59,179
THAT YOU'LL EVER MEET IN YOUR
1616
00:56:54,289 --> 00:56:59,179
WHOLE LIFE
1617
00:56:59,179 --> 00:57:00,190
>> HOW, YOU HAVE A JOB
1618
00:56:59,179 --> 00:57:00,190
>> NO, I DON'T
1619
00:57:00,190 --> 00:57:06,239
I WAS FIRED SIX MONTHS AGO
1620
00:57:00,190 --> 00:57:06,239
>> EXCUSE ME
1621
00:57:06,239 --> 00:57:13,170
>> YOU'RE EXCUSED.
1622
00:57:06,239 --> 00:57:13,170
>> WHO'S NEXT?
1623
00:57:13,170 --> 00:57:15,030
>> YEAH, MAYBE LET'S STICK TO
1624
00:57:13,170 --> 00:57:15,030
MORE WELL KNOWN QUOTES.
1625
00:57:15,030 --> 00:57:16,199
>> SORRY, BUT THERE'S NO RULE
1626
00:57:15,030 --> 00:57:16,199
AGAINST DEEP QUOTING
1627
00:57:16,199 --> 00:57:18,079
>> NO, NO, SHE'S RIGHT
1628
00:57:16,199 --> 00:57:18,079
IT'S NOT A GAME IF YOU DON'T
1629
00:57:18,079 --> 00:57:21,110
DEEP QUOTE
1630
00:57:18,079 --> 00:57:21,110
>> LOUIS, DEEP QUOTE
1631
00:57:21,110 --> 00:57:24,139
>> YEAH, DEEP QUOTE.
1632
00:57:21,110 --> 00:57:24,139
>> WHOA, THE BUZZ THING STOPS
1633
00:57:24,139 --> 00:57:27,170
RIGHT NOW.
1634
00:57:24,139 --> 00:57:27,170
>> OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
1635
00:57:27,170 --> 00:57:29,039
MY TURN.
1636
00:57:27,170 --> 00:57:29,039
I GUESS I'LL PICK AN EASY ONE,
1637
00:57:29,039 --> 00:57:35,110
OKAY
1638
00:57:29,039 --> 00:57:35,110
HEY, HI, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE
1639
00:57:35,110 --> 00:57:37,139
HERE
1640
00:57:35,110 --> 00:57:37,139
>> OH, I GOT IT.
1641
00:57:37,139 --> 00:57:39,159
SOMEONE ELSE, SOMEONE ELSE,
1642
00:57:37,139 --> 00:57:39,159
SOMEONE ELSE
1643
00:57:39,159 --> 00:57:40,170
>> THERE'S NOT A TON OF
1644
00:57:39,159 --> 00:57:40,170
IDENTIFYING INFORMATION IN
1645
00:57:40,170 --> 00:57:42,039
THERE.
1646
00:57:40,170 --> 00:57:42,039
>> WHAT ARE YOU QUOTING?
1647
00:57:42,039 --> 00:57:44,219
>> IT'S EASY
1648
00:57:42,039 --> 00:57:44,219
BAILEY THE LORD.
1649
00:57:44,219 --> 00:57:46,079
KEEP TALKING, MORON.
1650
00:57:44,219 --> 00:57:46,079
OKAY, I DON'T LIKE THAT.
1651
00:57:46,079 --> 00:57:47,099
>> MAKE LET'S PLAY THIS ANOTHER
1652
00:57:46,079 --> 00:57:47,099
TIME
1653
00:57:47,099 --> 00:57:48,260
>> WHAT, NO.
1654
00:57:47,099 --> 00:57:48,260
WE'RE TIED 2-2
1655
00:57:48,260 --> 00:57:54,190
I'M NOT ABOUT TO LAY DOWN AND
1656
00:57:48,260 --> 00:57:54,190
LET LISA'S HOT HUSBAND RAIL ME
1657
00:57:54,190 --> 00:57:59,059
NO
1658
00:57:54,190 --> 00:57:59,059
>> HOT HUSBAND RAIL YOU?
1659
00:57:59,059 --> 00:58:00,079
>> YEAH, COME ON, QUOTE OFF, YOU
1660
00:57:59,059 --> 00:58:00,079
AND ME
1661
00:58:00,079 --> 00:58:02,099
>> OKAY, LET'S GO, LITTLE GIRL
1662
00:58:00,079 --> 00:58:02,099
>> OKAY.
1663
00:58:02,099 --> 00:58:07,000
WHAT MADE YOU PICK ME?
1664
00:58:02,099 --> 00:58:07,000
>> CAPTAIN PHILLIPS.
1665
00:58:07,000 --> 00:58:10,039
>> OH, DAMN IT
1666
00:58:07,000 --> 00:58:10,039
GO
1667
00:58:10,039 --> 00:58:13,219
>> WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?
1668
00:58:10,039 --> 00:58:13,219
>> CAPTAIN PHILLIPS.
1669
00:58:13,219 --> 00:58:16,250
TRYING TO TRICK ME
1670
00:58:13,219 --> 00:58:16,250
OKAY, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE
1671
00:58:16,250 --> 00:58:24,039
IT'S OKAY?
1672
00:58:16,250 --> 00:58:24,039
>> CAPTAIN PHILLIPS, YOU SNEAKY
1673
00:58:24,039 --> 00:58:25,210
BITCH.
1674
00:58:24,039 --> 00:58:25,210
>> STOP QUOTING CAPTAIN
1675
00:58:25,210 --> 00:58:29,250
PHILLIPS
1676
00:58:25,210 --> 00:58:29,250
>> OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
1677
00:58:29,250 --> 00:58:32,119
GOOD TO OWN A BOURGEOIS.
1678
00:58:29,250 --> 00:58:32,119
>> GOOD TO OWN A BOURGEOIS
1679
00:58:32,119 --> 00:58:34,289
THEY ARE RICH.
1680
00:58:32,119 --> 00:58:34,289
>> PARASITE.
1681
00:58:34,289 --> 00:58:42,070
>> OH, COME ON
1682
00:58:34,289 --> 00:58:42,070
>> Y'ALL KNOW KOREAN NOW
1683
00:58:42,070 --> 00:58:44,250
>> OKAY, FINAL ROUND
1684
00:58:42,070 --> 00:58:44,250
SUDDEN DEATH, NO WORDS
1685
00:58:44,250 --> 00:58:47,090
ACTS OUT ONLY.
1686
00:58:44,250 --> 00:58:47,090
>> OKAY.
1687
00:58:47,090 --> 00:58:50,059
I'LL START
1688
00:58:47,090 --> 00:58:50,059
>> UP IN THE AIR
1689
00:58:50,059 --> 00:58:51,070
>> AH, DAMN IN
1690
00:58:50,059 --> 00:58:51,070
>> MY TURN
1691
00:58:51,070 --> 00:58:55,110
[ COUGHING ]
1692
00:58:51,070 --> 00:58:55,110
>> PHILADELPHIA.
1693
00:58:55,110 --> 00:59:01,079
GET OUT OF THE HANKS BANK.
1694
00:58:55,110 --> 00:59:01,079
>> OKAY, YOU'RE UP
1695
00:59:01,079 --> 00:59:07,150
I GOT IT
1696
00:59:01,079 --> 00:59:07,150
>> WHOA!
1697
00:59:07,150 --> 00:59:09,010
>> THE NOTEBOOK.
1698
00:59:07,150 --> 00:59:09,010
I KNEW IT WAS GOSLING FROM YOUR
1699
00:59:09,010 --> 00:59:11,030
TONGUE
1700
00:59:09,010 --> 00:59:11,030
>> ENOUGH OF THIS.
1701
00:59:11,030 --> 00:59:15,190
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
1702
00:59:11,030 --> 00:59:15,190
>> BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN
1703
00:59:15,190 --> 00:59:22,170
>> GET THE HELL OUT.
1704
00:59:30,280 --> 00:59:35,150
>> ONCE AGAIN, THE WEEKEND
1705
00:59:30,280 --> 00:59:35,150
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
1706
00:59:35,150 --> 00:59:51,099
♪
1707
00:59:54,210 --> 00:59:58,210
♪
1708
00:59:54,210 --> 00:59:58,210
♪ WHEN I SAW THE SIGN
1709
00:59:58,210 --> 01:00:06,139
I SHOULD HAVE LET YOU GO
1710
00:59:58,210 --> 01:00:06,139
BUT I KEPT YOU BESIDE ME
1711
01:00:06,139 --> 01:00:10,190
AND IF I HELD YOU BACK ♪
1712
01:00:06,139 --> 01:00:10,190
♪ AT LEAST I HELD YOU CLOSE
1713
01:00:10,190 --> 01:00:12,210
SHOULD HAVE KNOW
1714
01:00:10,190 --> 01:00:12,210
YOU WERE LONEL
1715
01:00:12,210 --> 01:00:21,139
I KNOW THINGS WILL ♪
1716
01:00:12,210 --> 01:00:21,139
♪ NEVER BE THE SAME
1717
01:00:21,139 --> 01:00:27,050
TIME WE LOST WIL
1718
01:00:21,139 --> 01:00:27,050
NEVER BE AGAIN
1719
01:00:27,050 --> 01:00:31,090
I'M THE REASON ♪
1720
01:00:27,050 --> 01:00:31,090
♪ YOU FORGOT TO LOV
1721
01:00:31,090 --> 01:00:34,280
SO DON'T
1722
01:00:31,090 --> 01:00:34,280
BE SCARED TO LIVE AGAI
1723
01:00:34,280 --> 01:00:39,179
SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN ♪
1724
01:00:34,280 --> 01:00:39,179
♪ NO DON'
1725
01:00:39,179 --> 01:00:44,230
BE SCARED TO LIVE AGAI
1726
01:00:39,179 --> 01:00:44,230
SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN
1727
01:00:44,230 --> 01:00:52,170
YOU ALWAYS MISSED THE ♪
1728
01:00:44,230 --> 01:00:52,170
♪ CHANCE TO FAL
1729
01:00:52,170 --> 01:00:56,059
FOR SOMEONE ELSE
1730
01:00:52,170 --> 01:00:56,059
'CAUSE YOUR HEAR
1731
01:00:56,059 --> 01:01:03,289
ONLY KNOWS ME ♪
1732
01:00:56,059 --> 01:01:03,289
♪ THEY TRY TO WIN YOUR LOVE
1733
01:01:03,289 --> 01:01:11,079
THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT
1734
01:01:03,289 --> 01:01:11,079
THEY JUST MADE
1735
01:01:11,079 --> 01:01:14,110
YOU FEEL LONELY ♪
1736
01:01:11,079 --> 01:01:14,110
♪ WELL I AM NOT
1737
01:01:14,110 --> 01:01:19,159
THE MAN I USED TO BE
1738
01:01:14,110 --> 01:01:19,159
DID SOME THINGS
1739
01:01:19,159 --> 01:01:25,079
COULDN'T LET YOU SEE ♪
1740
01:01:19,159 --> 01:01:25,079
♪ REFUSED TO BE THE ONE
1741
01:01:25,079 --> 01:01:30,280
WHO TAKES YOUR HEART
1742
01:01:25,079 --> 01:01:30,280
SO DON'T
1743
01:01:30,280 --> 01:01:39,059
BE SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN ♪
1744
01:01:30,280 --> 01:01:39,059
♪ SCARED TO LIVE AGAI
1745
01:01:39,059 --> 01:01:44,130
NO DON'T
1746
01:01:39,059 --> 01:01:44,130
SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN BAB
1747
01:01:44,130 --> 01:01:49,030
SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN ♪
1748
01:01:44,130 --> 01:01:49,030
♪ I BE PRAYING THAT
1749
01:01:49,030 --> 01:01:54,079
YOU FIND YOURSEL
1750
01:01:49,030 --> 01:01:54,079
WE FELL APAR
1751
01:01:54,079 --> 01:02:00,150
RIGHT FROM THE START ♪
1752
01:01:54,079 --> 01:02:00,150
♪ I SHOULD HAVE MAD
1753
01:02:00,150 --> 01:02:07,219
YOU MY ONL
1754
01:02:00,150 --> 01:02:07,219
WHEN IT'S SAID AND DON
1755
01:02:07,219 --> 01:02:14,130
OH ♪
1756
01:02:07,219 --> 01:02:14,130
♪ SO DON'
1757
01:02:14,130 --> 01:02:20,210
BE SCARED TO LIVE AGAI
1758
01:02:14,130 --> 01:02:20,210
SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN
1759
01:02:20,210 --> 01:02:30,010
NO DON'T ♪
1760
01:02:20,210 --> 01:02:30,010
♪ BE SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN
1761
01:02:30,010 --> 01:02:38,099
SCARED TO LIVE AGAIN
1762
01:02:30,010 --> 01:02:38,099
'CAUSE I'VE BEEN PRAYING
1763
01:02:38,099 --> 01:02:51,250
THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF ♪
1764
01:02:38,099 --> 01:02:51,250
♪ WE FELL APART
1765
01:02:51,250 --> 01:03:05,070
RIGHT FROM THE START ♪
1766
01:02:51,250 --> 01:03:05,070
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
1767
01:03:05,070 --> 01:03:07,059
♪ MY FAMILY'S ALL ASLEE
1768
01:03:05,070 --> 01:03:07,059
SO I WON'T MAKE A PEEP
1769
01:03:07,059 --> 01:03:08,239
I'LL COOK ALL NIGH
1770
01:03:07,059 --> 01:03:08,239
MY MOST DELICIOUS RECIPE ♪
1771
01:03:08,239 --> 01:03:11,110
♪ I STILL HAV
1772
01:03:08,239 --> 01:03:11,110
QUITE A SURPRISE
1773
01:03:11,110 --> 01:03:13,130
IN THE MORNING
1774
01:03:11,110 --> 01:03:13,130
WHEN THEY RISE ♪
1775
01:03:13,130 --> 01:03:17,019
♪ THEY'LL TAKE A BIG BITE
1776
01:03:13,130 --> 01:03:17,019
OF MY OVERNIGHT SALA
1777
01:03:17,019 --> 01:03:21,059
IT'S NOT EASY TO MAKE ♪
1778
01:03:17,019 --> 01:03:21,059
♪ LOTS OF INGREDIENTS
1779
01:03:21,059 --> 01:03:23,239
IT TAKES
1780
01:03:21,059 --> 01:03:23,239
BUT IT'S WORTH IT TO SERVE
1781
01:03:23,239 --> 01:03:26,130
MY OVERNIGHT SALAD ♪
1782
01:03:23,239 --> 01:03:26,130
♪ TAKE A LITTLE BIT
1783
01:03:26,130 --> 01:03:31,190
OF LETTUCE
1784
01:03:26,130 --> 01:03:31,190
SPRINKLE IN SOME CHEES
1785
01:03:31,190 --> 01:03:34,219
A LITTLE SCOSCHE OF LEMON ♪
1786
01:03:31,190 --> 01:03:34,219
♪ AND A GALLON OF MAY
1787
01:03:34,219 --> 01:03:36,090
SO MANY RAISINS AN INSAN
1788
01:03:34,219 --> 01:03:36,090
AMOUNT OF PEPPER ♪
1789
01:03:36,090 --> 01:03:40,130
♪ NOW YOU'RE MAKING A SALAD
1790
01:03:36,090 --> 01:03:40,130
54 HOT DOG
1791
01:03:40,130 --> 01:03:43,159
LOOK WHO'S BACK IT'S MAY
1792
01:03:40,130 --> 01:03:43,159
DON'T SKIMP ON THE FRITOS ♪
1793
01:03:43,159 --> 01:03:48,219
♪ AND ROOT BEER
1794
01:03:43,159 --> 01:03:48,219
THE CROUTONS AND COOKIES
1795
01:03:48,219 --> 01:03:52,110
ADD THE PIZZA TO
1796
01:03:48,219 --> 01:03:52,110
OF COURSE ♪
1797
01:03:52,110 --> 01:03:55,139
♪ THEN I LET IT SIT
1798
01:03:52,110 --> 01:03:55,139
ALL NIGHT ON THE
1799
01:03:55,139 --> 01:03:59,030
RADIATOR ♪
1800
01:03:55,139 --> 01:03:59,030
♪ IN THE MORNIN
1801
01:03:59,030 --> 01:04:03,070
WHEN THEY RISE
1802
01:03:59,030 --> 01:04:03,070
MY DAUGHTER'S EYES
1803
01:04:03,070 --> 01:04:06,110
FILLED WITH PRIDE ♪
1804
01:04:03,070 --> 01:04:06,110
♪ WHEN THEY TAKE A BIG BITE
1805
01:04:06,110 --> 01:04:10,000
OF MY OVERNIGHT SALAD ♪
1806
01:04:06,110 --> 01:04:10,000
♪ THE ULTIMATE PRIZ
1807
01:04:10,000 --> 01:04:11,170
MY HUSBAND
1808
01:04:10,000 --> 01:04:11,170
KING OF THE GUYS ♪
1809
01:04:11,170 --> 01:04:16,050
♪ WHICH HE CHOMPS INT
1810
01:04:11,170 --> 01:04:16,050
FOR MY OVERNIGHT SALAD
1811
01:04:16,050 --> 01:04:18,070
IT'S ALL OVER THEIR FACE
1812
01:04:16,050 --> 01:04:18,070
MY FAMILY LOVES THE --
1813
01:04:18,070 --> 01:04:21,260
>> OH, MY GOD, THIS TASTES LIKE
1814
01:04:18,070 --> 01:04:21,260
[ BLEEP ].
1815
01:04:21,260 --> 01:04:24,170
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
1816
01:04:21,260 --> 01:04:24,170
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO MAKE
1817
01:04:24,170 --> 01:04:28,019
A SALAD.
1818
01:04:24,170 --> 01:04:28,019
>> IT'S MY OVERNIGHT SALAD
1819
01:04:28,019 --> 01:04:30,190
>> MAYONNAISE AND LETTUCE LEFT
1820
01:04:28,019 --> 01:04:30,190
OUT ALL NIGHT?
1821
01:04:30,190 --> 01:04:32,219
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?
1822
01:04:30,190 --> 01:04:32,219
>> THINKING YOU WOULD BE KING OF
1823
01:04:32,219 --> 01:04:34,239
THE GUYS
1824
01:04:32,219 --> 01:04:34,239
>> NO, NO, YOU NEED HELP,
1825
01:04:34,239 --> 01:04:38,230
NADINE
1826
01:04:34,239 --> 01:04:38,230
>> MOMMY, BAXTER'S NOT MOVING.
1827
01:04:38,230 --> 01:04:43,110
>> I GAVE HIM A BITE OF MY
1828
01:04:38,230 --> 01:04:43,110
OVERNIGHT SALAD.
1829
01:04:43,110 --> 01:04:44,289
>> ARE YOU HAPPY, NADINE
1830
01:04:43,110 --> 01:04:44,289
YOU KILLED THE [ BLEEP ] DOG
1831
01:04:44,289 --> 01:04:50,239
ARE YOU STUPID
1832
01:04:44,289 --> 01:04:50,239
YOUR BRAIN IS SICK
1833
01:04:50,239 --> 01:04:53,269
>> MAYBE, DOES IT NEEDS A BIG
1834
01:04:50,239 --> 01:04:53,269
SCOOP OF MAYO?
1835
01:04:53,269 --> 01:04:57,000
>> THERE'S A QUARTER IN MY
1836
01:04:53,269 --> 01:04:57,000
SALAD.
1837
01:04:57,000 --> 01:04:59,019
♪ WELL THE QUARTE
1838
01:04:57,000 --> 01:04:59,019
IS THE THING ♪
1839
01:04:59,019 --> 01:05:01,199
>> NO, NADINE, NO.
1840
01:04:59,019 --> 01:05:01,199
JUST STOP.
1841
01:05:01,199 --> 01:05:03,139
COME ON, GIRLS, LET'S GO
1842
01:05:01,199 --> 01:05:03,139
COME ON.
1843
01:05:03,139 --> 01:05:06,179
>> I GUESS I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
1844
01:05:03,139 --> 01:05:06,179
EAT THIS ALL MYSELF.
1845
01:05:06,179 --> 01:05:10,219
♪
1846
01:05:06,179 --> 01:05:10,219
♪ OVERNIGHT SALAD
1847
01:05:10,219 --> 01:05:13,070
[ BELL TOLLS ]
1848
01:05:21,079 --> 01:05:25,179
>>> THANKS TO THE WEEKND, DARREL
1849
01:05:21,079 --> 01:05:25,179
HAMMOND, TO SENATOR ELIZABETH
1850
01:05:25,179 --> 01:05:33,090
WARREN
1851
01:05:25,179 --> 01:05:33,090
SO THE AMAZING CAST AND ALL THE
1852
01:05:33,090 --> 01:05:35,019
CREW
1853
01:05:33,090 --> 01:05:35,019
I'M DANIEL CRAIG, THIS HAS BEEN
1854
01:05:35,019 --> 01:05:44,079
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, THANK YOU
1855
01:05:35,019 --> 01:05:44,079
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT
113343
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.