Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

J.T., come on. This health club is something you really need.

It's seven in the morning.

What I really need is three more hours of sleep

and then a Belgian waffle.

No, you don't.

Ever since you broke up with Sam

all you've been doing is sitting on the couch

in that smelly bathrobe watching Jerry Springer.

This health club is a great place for you

to meet a new girl.

Look, come here. Let me talk to you for a second.

Look, I appreciate it, okay? But I'm just not ready. Okay?

Sam was too special, there is no other woman in the world

that could take Sam's place.

Hello, Betty.

Actually, it's, uh, Monica.

Uh, hi, guys.

- Hey. - Hi.

This is my brother, J.T.

J.T., this is Monica, our aerobics instructor.

Oh, yes, aerobics.

I love the smell of spandex in the morning.

It's always a pleasure to meet a physical fitness freak

like myself.

Oh, you're into working out, too?

Oh, I don't like to brag

but I didn't get this way from steroids.

Really? Well, then, come take my class.

Might be fun for ya.

- Hey, babe, I'm there. - Great. See you, guys.

J.T., trust me, man

you do not wanna take her class.

Oh, yes, I do.

I wanna take her class and have her children.

I'm warning you. It is a killer.

We do aerobics every day

and we can hardly get through it.

Hey, I am a guy, okay?

If a couple of chicks like you could do it

how hard could it be?

[theme song]

♪ Step By Step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

- Hi. - Hi.

Good morning, sleepyhead.

[Rich moans]

[Dana sighs]

Hey, mornin', honey. How'd you sleep?

Not too good. Frank, you've got to cut your toenails.

I feel like I'm sleeping with an otter.

Sorry. I'll do it as soon as I get to the job site.

- Got a new set of tin snips. - Hmm.

So, what's for breakfast, the usual one hundred pancakes?

Uh, little less this morning.

Al and Karen dragged J.T. to the health club.

[both laugh]

Good morning. Beautiful day, isn't it?

Excuse me.

Excuse me, come down here.

I know it's the '90s, and I know it's not politically correct

for a mother to ask this.

But what are you doing coming out

of your boyfriend's apartment at 7 o'clock in the morning

wearing nothing but a short robe and a big smile?

Well, honey, let's not jump to conclusions here.

I'm sure that Dana has a very good explanation

as to why she was down there.

- So go ahead and tell her. - Of course, I do.

I just went in there to get my biology book.

Jeez, I'd have come up with something better than that.

But it's the truth. It was absolutely innocent.

Hmm, honey, waking up to your kiss

was the most perfect way to start my morning.

Gee, that sounds innocent, doesn't it?

Alright. So I kissed him.

But it wasn't a I-wanna-rock- your-world kind of a kiss

it was more of..

...a aren't-you-adorable-

you-sleepy-little- Winnie-the-Pooh?" kiss.

It was?

Alright, listen. I, uh, I don't wanna be the bad guy here, okay?

But when you two started dating

we did set down some rules, and-and you both agreed

that while you're livin' under this roof

there wouldn't be any...hanky-panky.

Well, I can guarantee you, Mr. L

my hanky has never been anywhere near her panky.

Well, good. Let's keep it that way, hm?

[upbeat music]

Okay, everybody. Let's march it on now.

We're gonna do some deep squats.

What's a deep squat?

That's what you're gonna be in when this class is over.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Down, up. Down, up.

Down, up. Down, up.

- Good job. - Hey, this is no problem.

What do we do, about ten of these?

Okay, give me a hundred.

Now, double time.

Good job.

'Keep going. Keep going.'

'Don't stop.'

♪ They all say she's crazy ♪

♪ Locking rhythm to the beat of her heart ♪

[Monica] 'Whoo! Come on, guys.'

♪ She has danced into the danger zone ♪

- 'Yeah!' - 'Whoo!'

[Monica] 'You feel it? Whoo-hoo!'

'Keep going. Keep going. Good job.'

Whoo!

Whoo! Come on, guys.

'Okay, everybody. Keep going.'

'Keep going. That's right.'

Good job.

♪ And she's dancin' like ♪

♪ She's never danced before ♪

♪ She's a maniac ♪

♪ Maniac on the floor ♪

[Monica] 'Whoo! Whoo!'

♪ And she's dancin' like ♪

♪ She's never danced before.. ♪♪

She went pretty easy on us today.

Oh, yeah. Didn't even feel the burn.

Me neither.

In fact, I can't feel anything from the waist down.

Yeah, well, you better perk up, Hercules. Here comes Monica.

Oh! Oh, yeah. Work it out, yeah.

Ah.

So, uh, how'd you like my class?

Oh, nice little workout there.

Yeah, I think I broke a sweat.

Wow, J.T., you're really something.

Really?

In that case, how would you

uh, like to go out with me tomorrow?

I'd love to. I'm going on a 35-mile mountain bike ride.

Wanna join me?

Well, I would, but see, when I ride

I never do less than 50, so, uh..

Great. Then 50 it is. I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm dead meat. Dead.

[instrumental music]

[Dana] 'Rich?'

Rich?

Yes, darling.

- Oh, hello. - Hello.

Uh, will you give me a hand with this? My zipper's stuck.

Ooh, but of course.

Let's see here. Hmm-mm-mm-mm.

[Dana] 'Rich, will you stop kissing me there'

'and zip up my dress, please?'

[Rich] 'Now, don't rush me. You know you're lovin' this.'

[chuckles]

[clears throat]

Oh, hi, mom. Uh, Rich was just helping me zip up my dress.

Right. With his teeth?

Mom, my zipper was stuck

and Rich was the only person here to help me.

Oh, right, so he stripped down to his boxer shorts

to zip you up?

- Mrs. L, please. - Oh, don't "Mrs. L" me.

You little horndog.

We just talked about the rules

and you're ignoring them already.

You know what, I'm getting really tired

of these accusations.

- You know what your problem is? - No. What is my problem?

Your problem is you think everybody has sex on their minds

all the time just because you and Frank

are always playing the lonely housewife

and the lucky mailman or plumber whatever.

It's the lucky fireman.

But what we do in our bedroom is our own business

because we are married.

Oh, so if Rich and I were married

then maybe you would butt out of our lives?

- Exactly. - Oh, well, then you know what?

Maybe we'll just get married.

Uh, Dana?

Please, you're talking like a child.

A child? What, you think I'm bluffing?

You think I won't get married?

- Okay, kids, why don't we jus-- - Shut up, Rich.

This doesn't involve you.

Dana, I'm tired of this ridiculous conversation.

From now on, just obey the house rules. Okay?

[door slams]

That's it. We're getting married.

Huh?

You heard me. I'm not gonna let my mother run my life.

Now, pack a bag. We're gonna elope.

Honey, now, calm down, don't you think maybe

we should think about this for a little bit?

Oh, yeah? Think about this.

Here's a little preview of the wedding night.

[Rich moaning]

What do you say now?

I say, you pack a bag, I'll get the car.

[instrumental music]

"Sorry, Mrs. L." Little twerp.

"Well, maybe we'll just get married."

Yeah, right, when pigs fly, Dana.

Hi, honey. What's new?

What's new? I'll tell you what's new.

I caught Dana in Rich's apartment.

He was in his skivvies and her dress was unzipped.

That's what's new.

Gee, you go off to work, you miss everything.

Come on, Frank. This is not funny.

I know, honey, but come on let's not overreact, okay?

Let's just call Dana down here.

We'll have a calm, quiet

reasonable discussion with her.

Dana!

Dana!

Karen, where is Dana?

Dana who?

Dana who? Dana, your sister!

Where is she?

Um..

I'm not supposed to say.

Oh, I forgot about the big secret.

Ah.

You know about the big secret?

Oh, come on.

Everybody knows about the big secret.

Boy, that is weird.

Dana made me swear not to tell you guys

that she and Rich ran away to elope.

[gasps]

- Dana and Rich eloped? - I thought you knew.

- We do. We do. - We do. We do.

We know all about that.

We also know where they went to elope.

Can you believe it?

You know, they went to the Cheeseville Chapel of Love?

- We do now. Come on, Frank. - Yeah.

[indistinct]

[instrumental music]

- 'Hey.' - Hey, how's it going?

- Hey, Monica. - Hello.

How was the, uh, bike ride?

Oh, great.

We went 50 miles

straight up Langer Hill.

You did it in the snow?

Sure. Makes it more challenging.

Wasn't it great, J.T.?

Didn't you feel at one with nature?

No, but I do feel at one with this bike seat.

[laughing]

He's so funny. Well, I better be going.

Okay.

Hey, and I can't wait for our date tonight.

Oh.

- See ya! - Bye.

[screaming] Ow!

Tough ride, J.T.?

Tough ride? Are you kidding?

Every part of my body hurts.

My nose hurts. My eye lashes hurt.

Even the hair on my legs hurt.

Get off the bike and go inside and take a hot bath.

I can't.

My hands are cramped

around these handlebars.

And at least two-thirds of the seat

is wedged up my butt!

There's an image that will haunt me for a lifetime.

We can't just leave him here.

Come on, let's give him a hand.

- Oh, fine. - Oh.

Alright. Come on, buddy.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow..

Oh..

Oh!

Thank you. Feels much better.

- Yes. Oh, no! - 'Oh!'

[groaning]

[instrumental music]

There you go.

Oh, hey there, kids. Hi, how are ya?

Uh, welcome to the Cheeseville Chapel of Love, uh.

I'm Justice Pruett.

Now, why don't you just, uh, sit down and relax right here?

Oh, yeah. There you go.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ah. Uh, here's your complimentary bouquet.

Bouquet!

Isn't this great?

Pretty soon we'll be married.

We can do what we want, when we want

and my mother can't do a thing about it.

Honey, are you sure we're doin' the right thing?

I mean...marriage is kind of a big step.

[scoffs] The biggest. That's why I'm..

Well, that's why we are doing this.

I mean, today is the day

Dana Foster declares her independence.

What about me?

I'm declaring your independence too.

Honey, we'll get a cozy little place

of our own, huh? We'll do things our way.

Yeah, but, honey, how are we gonna pay

for that cozy little place?

No problem. While I'm in law school, you'll get a job.

Two, if you have to. Whatever it takes.

But we are not gonna let my mother push us around anymore.

Two jobs? Can I get just one and have her

push us around a little?

No!

Now, pull yourself together.

Today is the happiest day of your life.

Because in 30 minutes, we're gonna be

Mr. and Mrs. Dana Foster.

Oh, you know what I mean.

[instrumental music]

Ow!

Ow! Aaah!

[knock on door]

Coming.

Just a second.

I'll be there.

Oh, it's open. Come on in.

Hi, J.T.

[groans]

How's my hunky bike guy?

Good, good.

Wow, Monica, you look great.

Well, that's the look I was going for.

So, what do you wanna do tonight?

Roller disco? Bowling?

Maybe hit the batting cage?

Aah!

Actually, I was thinking maybe we could just, um, um..

Uh, sit and, um, talk

and-and watch TV and, and-and sit.

And, you know, mostly just-just sit.

Sounds fine to me.

[Rich moaning]

[shrieking]

What's your problem?

Okay, the truth is

I'm in pain. I'm in big pain.

I lied, I don't work out. I never work out.

I did one push-up in '92

and I was sore for a week.

Well, then, why did you pretend to be in such great shape?

[sighs] Because you

you're a gorgeous aerobics instructor

in perfect condition.

And I figured the only way a babe like you

would go out with a pillow boy like me

was if if you thought I was a jock.

J.T., I knew you weren't a jock.

Really? When did you find out?

When I heard you crying halfway up Langer Hill.

But you came here anyways?

Why?

'Cause I like you.

You're sweet.

[chuckles] You're funny.

And I figured any guy who is willing to ride 50 miles

uphill for me..

...is worth getting to know.

Monica, you are pretty terrific.

I think you're pretty terrific, too.

[instrumental music]

Both of you bring to this union

the rich experiences of your family..

Well, just one more couple ahead of us.

Yep.

This is it.

The big M..

...that final walk..

...till death do us part.

Rich, this is your wedding, not your execution.

Are you getting cold feet?

[chuckles] Oh, honey..

Well, maybe a little. I mean..

Look, it's not that I don't wanna marry you.

It's just that..

Well, honey, look around you. We're in Cheeseville, Wisconsin.

Rich, it's not the place that's important

it's the feelings.

Well, honey, I got to be honest with you

this doesn't feel right at all.

Right now, I think the only reason you wanna do this

is to get back at your mom.

[scoffs] That is ridiculous.

You think I would run off and get married

just to show my control freak of a mother

that I'm a strong, intelligent woman

capable of making my own decisions

and 'cause I'm sick of her

stickin' her big fat nose in my life?

Well, nothing could be further from the truth.

Well, as long as we're getting married for the right reasons.

[instrumental music]

Frank, can't you drive any faster?

Gee, honey, I'm sorry, if I'd have known

you're in this much of a hurry

I'd have had Alfred fuel up the Batmobile.

Don't worry. Just try and relax.

I can't.

I just feel like I put this whole idea

of marriage into Dana's head in the first place.

Oh, I'll just hate myself if we're too late.

Carol, maybe we're rushing to stop something

that doesn't need to be stopped.

How could you say that?

If those two get married

it will ruin the rest of their lives.

Uh, I don't know. I mean, come on.

They've been sniffin' around each other for so long.

They know they're in love

and they might be good for one another.

Anyway, if they get married and move out

maybe the other kids will get the idea.

[laughs]

Just shut up and drive, Frank.

[organ music]

And so now, by the powers vested in me--

Stop! Stop the wedding!

You're not Dana or Rich.

No. We're Larry and Simone.

But thanks for ruining the most special moment of our lives.

Oh. Oh, oh, gosh. I'm so sorry.

Ple.. Don't.. Just forgive me.

And-and.. Lots of luck.

Carol, honey.

Hi, guys.

I'm, uh, guessin' you talked to Karen.

And I'm guessing by that bouquet that you just got married

and if you did, I'd wanna wish you all the happiness

in the world, and we are behind you one hundred percent.

- We didn't go through it. - Oh, thank God! Thank God.

That would've been the biggest mistake of your life.

Thanks a lot, Mrs. L.

- Oh. - No, Rich.

Rich, you know what I meant.

I mean, I love both of you.

I just felt that I overreacted and drove you to this

and I'm really, really, really sorry.

But you weren't the only one who was wrong.

I was ready to marry Rich out of spite.

So I guess I overreacted, too.

Well, now, there's a first, two women overreacting.

[laughs]

Well, why don't we talk this over, huh?

A-a-at the restaurant across street?

The old Pump And Dump?

Uh, Mr. L, it's actually The Pump And Rump.

You've never eaten there, have you, boy?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Help. - Oh, my God!

J.T., what happened?

I broke up with Monica.

Jeez. Looks like she took it kinda hard.

No, she didn't do this.

I had a little accident.

What kind of accident?

I fell off a mountain.

You fell off a mountain?

Actually, I was pretty lucky.

The paramedic said if the scout troop hadn't been there

to break my fall, I'd have been a goner.

[groaning]

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go change and then run over to Weight Watchers.

Why? You don't need to lose weight.

No, it's not that.

It's just that after this nightmare

with Monica the hard body

I wanna find myself a nice

soft, fat chick..

...who just wants to sit at home with me and eat.

Yeah.

Nice, soft, fat chick.