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ANNOUNCER: These parents are Outmatched.
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00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:05,527
How did I give birth
to Wikipedia?
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00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:07,007
ANNOUNCER:
All-new episodes Thursdays.
4
00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:09,139
And watch other Fox shows
like Last Man Standing.
5
00:00:09,270 --> 00:00:10,967
-Bingo.
-Only on Fox.
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00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:15,885
What's that
sad bouncy house for?
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That is an air mattress.
8
00:00:19,454 --> 00:00:21,282
And I think we all know
what it's for.
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00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:22,848
Marital strife.
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00:00:22,892 --> 00:00:26,200
Ha!
Not this time.
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00:00:26,243 --> 00:00:28,115
Nope.
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00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:30,117
Actually, the air mattress
is for Nicole.
13
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,641
You're sleeping in Markand Leila's room for a few days
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00:00:32,684 --> 00:00:34,425
because...
15
00:00:34,469 --> 00:00:38,255
Grandma and Grandpa
are coming. Yay!
16
00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:40,301
[groaning]
17
00:00:40,344 --> 00:00:43,347
Seriously? It's like being
visited by two time travelers
18
00:00:43,391 --> 00:00:46,959
here to tell us which stores
used to be other stores.
19
00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:49,223
All right, okay, listen.
20
00:00:49,266 --> 00:00:51,747
I-I know having them here
isn't always easy...
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00:00:51,790 --> 00:00:54,532
But you have to understand
they come from a generation
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00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:58,319
where food and criticism
are how you show love.
23
00:00:58,362 --> 00:01:00,321
Let's be honest.
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00:01:00,364 --> 00:01:01,713
Thanks to technology,
the oral tradition
25
00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:03,976
that once made Grandma
and Grandpa relevant
26
00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:06,457
has been rendered obsolete.
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00:01:06,501 --> 00:01:08,590
They're the AOL of people.
28
00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:13,377
They do make weird sounds
when starting up.
29
00:01:15,379 --> 00:01:16,946
And they love telling us
when we have mail.
30
00:01:16,989 --> 00:01:18,948
But that's helpful.
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00:01:18,991 --> 00:01:21,255
Yes.
I think there's still a lot
32
00:01:21,298 --> 00:01:23,692
Grandma and Grandpa
can teach us.
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00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:26,303
Oh.
Thanks, buddy.
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00:01:26,347 --> 00:01:29,524
They will likely
be our introduction to death.
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00:01:31,395 --> 00:01:33,354
You guys don't enjoy it
when they're here, either.
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00:01:33,397 --> 00:01:35,399
Last time they came
Mom broke out a puzzle
37
00:01:35,443 --> 00:01:37,358
and you left
to go watch the sunset.
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It was 8:00 a.m.
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00:01:41,405 --> 00:01:42,406
When are they coming?
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00:01:42,450 --> 00:01:43,364
Well...
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00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:50,893
Bang.
You're all dead.
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00:01:51,981 --> 00:01:53,200
House full of geniuses,
43
00:01:53,243 --> 00:01:56,377
nobody thinks
to lock the front door?
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00:01:56,420 --> 00:01:58,030
Also, you've got mail.
45
00:01:59,641 --> 00:02:02,470
♪
46
00:02:09,651 --> 00:02:11,870
-Sylvia! Jay, hi.
-Hi.
47
00:02:11,914 --> 00:02:14,743
-Hi.
-Hey.
-There he is.
48
00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,440
How was the flight
from Boca?
49
00:02:16,484 --> 00:02:18,964
Confusing.
I sat next to something called
50
00:02:19,008 --> 00:02:22,316
an emotional support duck.
51
00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:24,231
I'm telling you,
the world has gone nuts.
52
00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:26,189
Your kids' futures
are in the hands
53
00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:29,975
of people who fly around with
ducks in little red vests.
54
00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:31,760
Yeah. In my day, ducks
used to wear a jacket and tie
55
00:02:31,803 --> 00:02:33,414
when they flew on a plane.
56
00:02:33,457 --> 00:02:35,851
[laughs]Hey... hey, that's pretty good.
57
00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:37,983
Kay tell you to say that?
58
00:02:38,027 --> 00:02:39,071
SYLVIA: Look at these angels.
59
00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:42,423
Ooh, I just want to
dunk you in sangria
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00:02:42,466 --> 00:02:44,251
and drink you up.
[clicks tongue]
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00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:46,383
Here's my boy Marcadine. Huh?
62
00:02:46,427 --> 00:02:49,604
And Brian. Put her there, baby.
Put her there.
63
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,260
What is that, like,
a bag of coleslaw?
64
00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:54,783
Come on.
Don't they teach you how to
65
00:02:54,826 --> 00:02:57,394
shake hands at that
fancy private school of yours?
66
00:02:57,438 --> 00:02:58,656
That's next semester.
67
00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:00,354
Right now we're focusing
on eye contact
68
00:03:00,397 --> 00:03:02,834
and comfort around groups
of two or more.
69
00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:06,925
Hey, you're wasting your money
on that private school.
70
00:03:06,969 --> 00:03:08,884
And by the way, I just
taught him how to shake hands.
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00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:10,494
That'll be 30 grand, please.
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00:03:12,496 --> 00:03:13,367
SYLVIA: Hush up, Jay.
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00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:16,283
You know, I brag to my friends
all the time
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00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:18,241
about how brilliant
you three are.
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00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:21,070
Let me see you do something
smart for Grandma.
76
00:03:21,113 --> 00:03:24,465
What number am I thinking of
77
00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:26,206
right now?
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00:03:27,511 --> 00:03:29,034
Seven.
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00:03:29,078 --> 00:03:32,081
Oh, my God!
My brilliant grandchildren!
80
00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:36,303
[quietly]:
It was three. I felt bad.
81
00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:37,913
There's my little
featherweight, huh?
82
00:03:37,956 --> 00:03:39,610
Come over here.
83
00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:41,699
Let me see you put that left
hook right on Grandpa's chin.
84
00:03:41,743 --> 00:03:43,614
-Go ahead.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
85
00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:45,747
[chuckles] Yeah, we're-we're
trying to cut back
86
00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:47,749
on the violence.
Apparently, during recess,
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00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:49,751
she organized a fight club.
88
00:03:49,794 --> 00:03:52,493
SYLVIA: Nicole, look at you.
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00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:53,755
So gorgeous.
90
00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,931
You don't need a brain
when you're this pretty.
91
00:03:55,974 --> 00:03:59,064
I'm a three-time
regional debate champion,
92
00:03:59,108 --> 00:04:02,067
and I don't know
how to respond to that.
93
00:04:02,111 --> 00:04:04,287
What I do is say nothing.
94
00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:07,159
Then get too drunk atThanksgiving and say everything.
95
00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:09,553
Anyway, Dad, uh,
96
00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:11,163
I know how much you miss Wawa,
97
00:04:11,207 --> 00:04:13,427
so I picked up a bunch
of subs for dinner.
98
00:04:13,470 --> 00:04:15,080
What are you talking about?
99
00:04:15,124 --> 00:04:17,344
You can't have lunch meat
for dinner.
100
00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:18,867
What is this, an AA meeting?
101
00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:21,348
Oh, what, are you kidding?
No way.
102
00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:23,132
We're having steaks.
103
00:04:23,175 --> 00:04:24,873
Oh, look at that.
I got--
104
00:04:24,916 --> 00:04:27,658
I got the best butcher
in Florida. Huh?
105
00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:29,965
Your mother thought I was crazypacking frozen steaks
106
00:04:30,008 --> 00:04:32,359
in my carry-on.
[laughs]
107
00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:35,579
Who's crazy now, lady?
108
00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:38,539
I love it when my family
is all together.
109
00:04:38,582 --> 00:04:41,542
I agree. It's a nice moment.
I'll miss this.
110
00:04:41,585 --> 00:04:44,675
Oh, Markie, we're gonna
be here the whole week.
111
00:04:44,719 --> 00:04:46,329
I meant when you're dead.
112
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:52,292
Who wants to do a puzzle?
113
00:04:56,861 --> 00:05:00,561
Oh, you finally got around
to all that nailing scraps
114
00:05:00,604 --> 00:05:02,911
of wood you've been
meaning to do.
115
00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:05,566
I needed a break from my dad.
116
00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:07,568
You know, I drove a half hour
to get those subs,
117
00:05:07,611 --> 00:05:09,221
and he just pulls out
some luggage meat
118
00:05:09,265 --> 00:05:11,180
and expects me to
fire up the grill?
119
00:05:11,223 --> 00:05:13,704
I mean, he was barely
through the door and already
120
00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:16,751
criticizing me,
my parenting, my subs.
121
00:05:16,794 --> 00:05:19,710
I feel bad for the duck
who had to sit next to him
122
00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:21,799
on the plane.
123
00:05:21,843 --> 00:05:24,236
I hope that duck
has its own duck.
124
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,021
It's like nothing I do is right.
125
00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:27,501
And it's been like that
my whole life.
126
00:05:27,544 --> 00:05:30,155
You know, in high school,
I wanted to play soccer.
127
00:05:30,199 --> 00:05:32,375
He made me play football
because...
128
00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:33,942
[imitating Jay]:
Soccer? [scoffs]
129
00:05:33,985 --> 00:05:37,075
Soccer's for commies
and failed placekickers.
130
00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:40,427
Yeah. Well,
in your dad's defense,
131
00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:42,516
being married to your mom
for 40 years
132
00:05:42,559 --> 00:05:44,256
probably broke his brain.
133
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,737
Do not make me choose
between you and my mom
134
00:05:46,781 --> 00:05:50,393
because... you'll win, but you
might not cover the spread.
135
00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:52,264
Any time she gets me alone,
136
00:05:52,308 --> 00:05:54,571
all she does is
grill me about you.
137
00:05:54,615 --> 00:05:55,964
[imitating Sylvia]:
How's he sleeping?
138
00:05:56,007 --> 00:06:00,055
Does he wear a jacket?
Is he having foot pain?
139
00:06:00,098 --> 00:06:03,537
Good. When it's cold. And not
since she sent me the insoles.
140
00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:05,800
I don't want to talk about
your stupid feet.
141
00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:08,846
But no matter what I say,
she somehow always
142
00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:10,457
brings it back to you.
143
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,241
One time I mentioned tampons,
144
00:06:12,284 --> 00:06:15,287
and she got it back to you
in 11 words.
145
00:06:15,331 --> 00:06:17,028
How'd she do that?
146
00:06:17,072 --> 00:06:21,816
Oh, never mind.
I got it.
147
00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:23,992
Ugh, we should
get back up there.
148
00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:25,559
The kids are alone
with your parents,
149
00:06:25,602 --> 00:06:27,256
probably racking up
thousands of dollars
150
00:06:27,299 --> 00:06:28,997
in future therapy.
151
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:30,999
Oh, hey, let's look
on the bright side.
152
00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:33,001
I mean, I never even knew
my grandparents.
153
00:06:33,044 --> 00:06:35,482
-I mean, we should feel lucky
that we still have...
-JAY: Hey!
154
00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:38,441
What the hell is a kale chip?
155
00:06:42,619 --> 00:06:46,362
Two nails left.
One for you, one for me.
156
00:06:53,717 --> 00:06:56,677
Kay, there you are.
157
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,026
Sit your tush.
158
00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,723
We need to talk, just us girls.
159
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:04,032
So... how's my boy?
160
00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:06,338
Wearing plenty of jackets, Syl.
161
00:07:06,382 --> 00:07:07,818
Oh, good. And...
162
00:07:07,862 --> 00:07:09,733
Feet are much better
since the insoles.
163
00:07:09,777 --> 00:07:12,344
Arches like a ballerina,
that one.
164
00:07:12,388 --> 00:07:13,520
-And is he...
-Hey.
165
00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:15,826
That is a lovely jacket.
166
00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:17,524
Where did you get that from?
167
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:20,352
Oh, I got it at an
after-Christmas sale.
168
00:07:20,396 --> 00:07:21,919
Those are always a gamble.
169
00:07:21,963 --> 00:07:24,922
Of course, you know about that
from your job at the casino.
170
00:07:24,966 --> 00:07:27,664
Which reminds me,
how is work for Mike?
171
00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:31,625
Mom, Grandpa sent me in
to bring him a beer
172
00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:35,150
because he says it tastes betterwhen a woman brings it to him.
173
00:07:35,193 --> 00:07:37,674
I taught him that.
174
00:07:37,718 --> 00:07:39,937
It's important to
keep them helpless.
175
00:07:39,981 --> 00:07:43,506
You know, why don't I
bring it to him,
176
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:45,552
and, Nicole, you can stay here
and fill in Grandma
177
00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:46,988
on what Dad's been doing.
178
00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:49,381
But I want to see Grandpa's facewhen we finish the puzzle
179
00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:52,428
and he sees that
the Earth is round.
180
00:07:53,908 --> 00:07:57,215
I heard daughters who take one
for the team
181
00:07:57,259 --> 00:07:59,870
-sometimes get their
bedrooms back.
-[chuckles]
182
00:07:59,914 --> 00:08:03,004
I see your bribe and raise you
that blazer I wanted.
183
00:08:03,047 --> 00:08:04,658
Done. You're slipping.
184
00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:07,399
You could have had me
for the full pantsuit.
185
00:08:07,443 --> 00:08:09,793
You could have had me
for just the bedroom.
186
00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:11,665
Damn it.
187
00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:13,710
Kay!
188
00:08:13,754 --> 00:08:15,103
You forgot Jay's beer.
189
00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:16,757
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
190
00:08:21,457 --> 00:08:25,113
Hey, buddy, why don't you come
help us with the puzzle?
191
00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:28,899
No puzzle is quite sofascinating as the final puzzle.
192
00:08:28,943 --> 00:08:30,553
Death.
193
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,910
That's a real spooky kid
you got there, son.
194
00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:42,260
Geez.
So, Bri,
195
00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:43,740
tell me, how's it going
with the girls?
196
00:08:43,784 --> 00:08:45,002
You driving 'em wild?
197
00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:48,092
I'm not sure, 'cause
I've never spoken to them.
198
00:08:49,485 --> 00:08:52,619
Well, that's all gonna change
now that you're driving.
199
00:08:52,662 --> 00:08:54,272
Oh, I'm not driving.
200
00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:55,360
What are you talking about?
201
00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:57,014
We don't need to get into that.Oh, hey, Dad,
202
00:08:57,058 --> 00:08:59,060
was that CVS that looks like
a movie theater
203
00:08:59,103 --> 00:09:01,366
always a CVS?
204
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:04,065
Oh, no, no.
First it was a Gimbels...
205
00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:06,937
Don't bait me with store talk.
206
00:09:06,981 --> 00:09:09,810
I want to hear about this thing.
207
00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:11,376
I'm not driving until I'm 25.
208
00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:13,422
That's when the limbic system
is developed enough
209
00:09:13,465 --> 00:09:16,207
to fully process risk.
210
00:09:16,251 --> 00:09:18,383
You know, with all the science
in that sentence,
211
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:20,385
it's still the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.
212
00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:22,953
Well, if getting around
is the concern,
213
00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:24,302
I have that taken care of.
214
00:09:24,346 --> 00:09:25,826
Oh, no, no, no, hold on.
215
00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:26,957
We don't need to
show Grandpa that.
216
00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:28,089
Show Grandpa what?
217
00:09:28,132 --> 00:09:32,093
This is the future
of transportation.
218
00:09:32,136 --> 00:09:35,400
That is the future
of dying a virgin.
219
00:09:35,444 --> 00:09:38,186
I know what you're thinking,
and the answer is yes.
220
00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:41,450
-This is a wearable airbag.
-[horn squeaks]
221
00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,106
You're okay with this?
222
00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:47,674
"Okay" is a strong word.
223
00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:50,807
Son, a man has to drive.
224
00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:53,854
You can't take a girl
to the drive-in in an Uber.
225
00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:55,507
I mean,
how's that supposed to work?
226
00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:57,074
"Honey, I'm gonna go get
some popcorn.
227
00:09:57,118 --> 00:09:59,511
Anything for you, Viktor?"
228
00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:01,775
He doesn't want to learn
how to drive. Okay?
229
00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:03,298
And I'm not gonna force my kidsto do something
230
00:10:03,341 --> 00:10:04,429
they don't want to do.
231
00:10:04,473 --> 00:10:06,083
Okay, fine.
If you can't handle it,
232
00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:07,215
I'll take care of it.
233
00:10:07,258 --> 00:10:08,825
-Whoa, h-hold on, hold on.
-What?
234
00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:10,697
No, you're-you're not teaching
my kid how to drive.
235
00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:12,873
If anyone is teaching him,
it's gonna be me.
236
00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:13,787
Sure you are.
237
00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:15,789
That's almost as funny
as Kay's duck joke.
238
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:19,227
No. No, no, no,
I'm doing it. Okay?
239
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:20,794
Hey, Bri, you hear that, buddy?
240
00:10:20,837 --> 00:10:22,926
-Your dad's teaching you
to drive.
-What?
241
00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:31,848
Boy, you're off to
a bang-up start, huh?
242
00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:34,459
You got a, uh, pocket knife
to pop your son?
243
00:10:34,503 --> 00:10:36,505
Of course you don't.
244
00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:43,381
Hey. How'd you get rid
of Grandma?
245
00:10:43,425 --> 00:10:45,166
Did you tell her
Michael Bublé's signing CDs
246
00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:46,907
at the Barnes & Noble?
247
00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:50,345
No. She's making us
a nail appointment.
248
00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:52,739
Oh, sweetie, no.
249
00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:54,262
You will be strapped
to a spa chair
250
00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:56,046
while Grandma
grills you about Dad.
251
00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:59,702
That is not a nail appointment,that's a hostage situation.
252
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:02,096
Actually, she's barely
mentioned Dad.
253
00:11:02,139 --> 00:11:03,924
Really?
254
00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:06,970
So what have you been
talking about this whole time?
255
00:11:07,014 --> 00:11:09,320
A lot of things.
Her life, my life.
256
00:11:09,364 --> 00:11:12,106
We called her friend Margee.
She's a real hoot.
257
00:11:12,149 --> 00:11:15,065
That's a phrase I picked up
from Margee.
258
00:11:15,109 --> 00:11:17,285
SYLVIA:
Good news.
259
00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:21,289
My nail lady Carmela's out on
parole, and she can fit us in.
260
00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:24,771
Then you can finishyour story about Kevin Slattery.
261
00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:26,076
[both chuckle]
262
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,599
Who's Kevin Slattery?
263
00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:31,386
Oh, nobody. Grandma.
264
00:11:31,429 --> 00:11:34,519
Oh, right.
[tongue clicking]
265
00:11:34,563 --> 00:11:35,869
We should go anyway.
266
00:11:35,912 --> 00:11:38,567
When we're done at Carmela's,
I booked us a spray tan.
267
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,221
I know a guy who does it cheap
268
00:11:40,264 --> 00:11:41,918
in the parking lot
of a funeral home.
269
00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:46,967
[engine revving over TV]
270
00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:48,925
So you're mad that your daughter
271
00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:51,232
is spending quality time
with her grandmother?
272
00:11:51,275 --> 00:11:54,322
No, I'm mad
they're doing it without me.
273
00:11:54,365 --> 00:11:56,367
I mean, do I not look like
someone who wants
274
00:11:56,411 --> 00:11:58,326
to get a spray tan
in a parking lot?
275
00:11:58,369 --> 00:12:01,459
I am Jersey trash.
That's all I want.
276
00:12:01,503 --> 00:12:02,983
Your favorite food
is wine coolers.
277
00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:05,115
No one's questioning
how trashy you are.
278
00:12:05,159 --> 00:12:09,119
It's not just that.
They were actually bonding.
279
00:12:09,163 --> 00:12:11,643
Neither of them have
ever talked to me like that.
280
00:12:11,687 --> 00:12:14,908
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
281
00:12:14,951 --> 00:12:16,997
I know how badly
you want to connect with--
282
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,608
Yeah! Suck it, blue guy!
Whoo!
283
00:12:19,651 --> 00:12:22,219
That is why we keepthe video games in the basement.
284
00:12:22,263 --> 00:12:23,960
Why is this out?
285
00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:27,007
Oh, it's a low-stress way
to teach Brian how to drive.
286
00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:28,008
But Brian doesn't want to drive.
287
00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:30,140
And we agreed that's fine
since he wanted us
288
00:12:30,184 --> 00:12:31,794
to put a seat belt
on the recliner.
289
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:37,147
Look, honey,
a man needs to drive.
290
00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:38,670
Why?
291
00:12:38,714 --> 00:12:41,064
Because...
W-What are you gonna do?
292
00:12:41,108 --> 00:12:44,546
You gonna go to the drive-in
with Viktor?
293
00:12:46,069 --> 00:12:49,029
Oh. This was your dad's idea.
294
00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:51,596
Fine, but it was my idea
to listen to him.
295
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,816
And I am gonna take
the lead on this, all right?
296
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:56,166
If I left it up to my dad,
he'd-- I don't know--
297
00:12:56,210 --> 00:13:00,083
he'd whistle, smack Brian's buttand say, "Car. Now."
298
00:13:00,127 --> 00:13:03,043
Hey, Leils, have you seen Brian?
299
00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:04,392
Uh, I just saw Grandpa go...
300
00:13:04,435 --> 00:13:08,091
[whistles]
"Car. Now."
301
00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:10,485
Damn it. Here, take over.
302
00:13:12,226 --> 00:13:14,619
Hey, Mom, can you
get me a juice box?
303
00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:17,448
It tastes better when a woman
brings it to you.
304
00:13:21,017 --> 00:13:23,628
-All right, okay. This is it.
-You know, Grandpa,
305
00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:25,543
if you really wanted
to try my transporter,
306
00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:27,415
you could have just done it
in the driveway.
307
00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:29,199
Oh, no, I-I wanted
to take it someplace
308
00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:30,461
where I could, uh,
really open her up.
309
00:13:30,505 --> 00:13:32,072
You know what I mean?
[chuckles]
310
00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:34,683
Hey, hey, but, uh,
while we're here,
311
00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,990
this is a great place
to practice your driving.
312
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:39,688
It's just a quick hop over hereto the driver's seat.
313
00:13:39,731 --> 00:13:41,646
Well, if there's one thing
you should know about me,
314
00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:42,865
it's that I can't hop.
315
00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:44,998
-And certainly not quickly.
-Uh-huh.
316
00:13:45,041 --> 00:13:46,651
Okay. Well, you know, I'm just,just throwing it out there.
317
00:13:46,695 --> 00:13:47,827
You know what I mean?
318
00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:50,438
[shouting]
319
00:13:50,481 --> 00:13:53,136
-H-- G-Grandpa?
-I-- It's my chest.
320
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:55,138
I think I'm having
a heart attack.
321
00:13:55,182 --> 00:13:58,098
Uh, M-Marc was right. He said
you could go at any minute.
322
00:13:58,141 --> 00:14:00,230
He said what?
B-But that doesn't matter.
323
00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:01,710
You're gonna have to drive me
to the hospital.
324
00:14:01,753 --> 00:14:03,451
-Wait, wait.
-Come on. Come on.
325
00:14:03,494 --> 00:14:05,018
No, no, this isn't
a heart attack.
326
00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:07,150
It's a pulmonary embolism.
327
00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:09,022
Forget the hospital. You'll be
dead before we get there.
328
00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:10,545
What are you doing?
329
00:14:10,588 --> 00:14:13,113
I'm gonna pierce your thoraciccavity to relieve the pressure.
330
00:14:13,156 --> 00:14:15,158
-No, no, no.
-Don't worry,
I've done this to a hamster.
331
00:14:15,202 --> 00:14:18,118
-Wait a minute, you maniac!
-Hey, what is going on?
332
00:14:18,161 --> 00:14:19,162
[screams]
333
00:14:19,206 --> 00:14:21,034
Your son is a nut.
334
00:14:21,077 --> 00:14:23,514
Grandpa's having
a pulmonary embolism.
335
00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:25,125
I'm not having anything.
336
00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:27,127
I was faking it
so that you'd drive.
337
00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:29,129
What? How could you do that?
338
00:14:29,172 --> 00:14:30,043
Me? You were just about
339
00:14:30,086 --> 00:14:32,306
to perform surgery on me
with a pen.
340
00:14:32,349 --> 00:14:36,136
Doesn't anybody in this family
own a pocket knife?
341
00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:37,267
I can't believe you.
342
00:14:37,311 --> 00:14:39,487
I told you if Brian
was going to drive,
343
00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:41,141
I would be the one to teach him.
344
00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:43,578
With a video game, huh?
That's not driving.
345
00:14:43,621 --> 00:14:45,580
You know, Springsteen's
not singing about
346
00:14:45,623 --> 00:14:48,278
escaping Jersey in a Mario kart.
347
00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:51,499
He's my son, okay?So however I wanted to teach him
348
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,196
should be up to me.
349
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:54,589
But you've never
let anything be up to me.
350
00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:56,547
You've never cared
about what I want.
351
00:14:56,591 --> 00:14:57,984
What are you talking about?
352
00:14:58,027 --> 00:15:01,161
I-I'm talking about soccer.
353
00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:02,902
I could have been great. See?
354
00:15:06,035 --> 00:15:08,429
-You robbed the world of that.
-[scoffs]
355
00:15:08,472 --> 00:15:10,518
Son, I was just
trying to stop you
356
00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:13,173
from making what I thought
were bad decisions.
357
00:15:13,216 --> 00:15:15,305
They were my bad decisions
to make.
358
00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:17,090
And I'm not gonna
steamroll my kids
359
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:18,439
the same way you steamrolled me.
360
00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:20,441
Come on, Bri.
You don't have to...
361
00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:23,835
-Uh-oh. He's gone.
-So is his scooter.
362
00:15:23,879 --> 00:15:26,186
Hey, I'm impressed
those coleslaw hands
363
00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:27,665
could lift it out of the van.
364
00:15:32,279 --> 00:15:34,237
Are you sure about these?
365
00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:36,936
I have scratches
all over my body.
366
00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:41,549
Your skin just needs
to build a good callus.
367
00:15:41,592 --> 00:15:45,248
Hey, Syl.
Look what I got.
368
00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:49,687
They're vouchers forfree massages at the casino spa.
369
00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:51,689
We give them to high rollers
and hotel guests
370
00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:55,215
who find cameras
in their bathroom.
371
00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:57,478
I thought you, me and Nicole
could all go together.
372
00:15:57,521 --> 00:16:00,698
Oh, Kay, that's so nice.
373
00:16:00,742 --> 00:16:03,788
But you know who you should
save these for? Mike.
374
00:16:03,832 --> 00:16:06,226
He looks so tense.
Is he working too hard?
375
00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:08,880
Oh, my God, I don't care.
Mike isn't interesting.
376
00:16:08,924 --> 00:16:11,144
I mean, he is.
377
00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:15,365
He completes me,
best friend, the one, but...
378
00:16:15,409 --> 00:16:20,240
why is every conversation justyou interrogating me about him?
379
00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:23,808
I don't do that.
Does Mike think I do that?
380
00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:25,810
Ugh...
381
00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:28,161
-What?
-You've been doing it
for 20 years!
382
00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:31,816
I'm sorry, it's just,
Mike tells me nothing.
383
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:34,819
I'd have no idea what was
going on in my son's life
384
00:16:34,863 --> 00:16:36,256
if you didn't tell me.
385
00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:38,910
Well, I get what that's like.
386
00:16:38,954 --> 00:16:41,391
I mean, I can't get Nicole
to tell me anything, either.
387
00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:43,393
It's hard being a mom.
388
00:16:43,437 --> 00:16:45,830
You go from knowing everything
about your babies,
389
00:16:45,874 --> 00:16:48,224
and then they grow up
and you're just desperate
390
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,618
for any scrap you can get.
391
00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:53,882
This morning,
I called your friend Margee
392
00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:55,492
to find out
who Kevin Slattery is.
393
00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:58,408
[chuckles]:
Oh.
394
00:16:58,452 --> 00:17:00,845
She really is a hoot.
395
00:17:00,889 --> 00:17:02,630
That's nothing.
396
00:17:02,673 --> 00:17:07,287
Most of my medical procedures
are unnecessary.
397
00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:10,203
I just do it so Mike has
to call and ask how I'm doing.
398
00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:11,334
Even the hip?
399
00:17:11,378 --> 00:17:13,728
It was a 20-minute call.
Totally worth it.
400
00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:17,949
See? This is the type of stuff
401
00:17:17,993 --> 00:17:20,735
we could have been talking
about this whole time.
402
00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:25,348
And, look, I'm happy to talk
about Mike, but sometimes...
403
00:17:25,392 --> 00:17:27,655
You just want to talk
about Nicole?
404
00:17:27,698 --> 00:17:30,353
Oh, God, yes.
Can we start now?
405
00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:31,876
Well, if we're
gonna get into it,
406
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,314
we're gonna need
the Jersey Juice.
407
00:17:34,357 --> 00:17:36,794
-Ah... [laughs]
-[clicks tongue]
408
00:17:36,838 --> 00:17:39,362
Yeah. Mmm.
409
00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:40,885
[grunts]
410
00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:42,887
Is that red wine or white?
411
00:17:42,931 --> 00:17:45,238
And a little vodka.
412
00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:48,371
He's got to be close. I mean,
how far could he have gotten?
413
00:17:48,415 --> 00:17:51,200
If that thing runs on shame, hecould be in Connecticut by now.
414
00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:54,812
How'd you find us, anyway?
415
00:17:54,856 --> 00:17:57,119
That's where you taught me
to drive.
416
00:17:57,163 --> 00:18:00,470
Huh. I'm surprised
you remembered that.
417
00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:02,342
Hey, look,
418
00:18:02,385 --> 00:18:04,561
I-I shouldn't have
taken Brian like that.
419
00:18:04,605 --> 00:18:06,737
-I-I was out of line.
-Eh, it's fine.
420
00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:08,739
No, no. It's not fine.
421
00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:11,960
They're your kids, and you do
a good job with them.
422
00:18:12,003 --> 00:18:13,744
Better than I ever could.
423
00:18:13,788 --> 00:18:15,398
And just for the record,
424
00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:18,140
I never meant to steamroll you
into playing football.
425
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:20,360
It's just that, how was
I supposed to coach you
426
00:18:20,403 --> 00:18:22,840
in soccer if I didn't know
anything about it?
427
00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:25,495
You think soccer's tough?
428
00:18:25,539 --> 00:18:27,410
My kids are into
particle physics.
429
00:18:27,454 --> 00:18:30,283
And numbers that somehow
also have letters in them.
430
00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:32,372
I guess you just try to do
the best you can
431
00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:36,854
and then you-you hope for
a couple of moments like this.
432
00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:41,946
Why is it so much easier
to talk like this in a car?
433
00:18:41,990 --> 00:18:45,515
Car's a perfect spot
for a father-son talk.
434
00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:47,300
You know, nobody can leave,
435
00:18:47,343 --> 00:18:48,823
you're staring ahead
for the most part,
436
00:18:48,866 --> 00:18:51,391
so there's none
of that weird eye contact.
437
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:54,394
-And then--
then there's idiot drivers...
-[horn honking]
438
00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:56,309
...that are always a good
conversation starter.
439
00:18:56,352 --> 00:18:58,746
Hey, look, look, some moron
left his inflatable raft
440
00:18:58,789 --> 00:19:00,313
on the side of the road.
441
00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:02,402
You do realize that
inflatable raft is your son?
442
00:19:02,445 --> 00:19:04,491
-I do now. Pulling over.
-Yeah.
443
00:19:06,057 --> 00:19:08,147
[cheering over TV]
444
00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:14,588
Am I dead?
445
00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:18,331
No. And I'm glad.
446
00:19:18,374 --> 00:19:20,463
-I'd miss you.
-Ah.
447
00:19:20,507 --> 00:19:23,640
But if you see any lights
or tunnels, call me.
448
00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:30,212
Is that Jay Bennett
watching soccer?
449
00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:32,867
That's right.
It was your husband's idea.
450
00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:34,434
It's not half bad.
You know, you can hardly tell
451
00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:37,480
most of these guys are European.
452
00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:39,569
MIKE:
Oh, hey, Bri, listen.
453
00:19:39,613 --> 00:19:41,354
Sorry about
the whole driving thing.
454
00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:43,356
I promise, you do not have
to learn until you're ready.
455
00:19:43,399 --> 00:19:47,055
It's all right. I had a lot oftime to reflect after my crash,
456
00:19:47,098 --> 00:19:49,057
and I decided
I'm ready to face my fears
457
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,015
and embrace the open road.
458
00:19:51,059 --> 00:19:54,845
So I'm finally gonna learn
how to ride a bicycle.
459
00:19:57,108 --> 00:20:00,938
If I don't comment on that,
can I watch football?
460
00:20:04,986 --> 00:20:07,684
Oh, my God, Kay.
Wait till you see Nicole.
461
00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:09,686
She looks like Jackie O.
462
00:20:09,730 --> 00:20:10,948
You know,
before the whole thing.
463
00:20:10,992 --> 00:20:13,212
Nikki, come on in here.
464
00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:21,394
KAY:
Wow.
465
00:20:21,437 --> 00:20:22,482
You look...
466
00:20:22,525 --> 00:20:24,484
You look like the women
outside Mom's casino
467
00:20:24,527 --> 00:20:25,876
Dad pretends not to look at.
468
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:29,097
Mom, can I talk to you
for a second?
469
00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:34,668
I don't know what happened.
470
00:20:34,711 --> 00:20:36,452
It started
with one nail appointment.
471
00:20:36,496 --> 00:20:38,324
Next thing I know,
I'm lying facedown
472
00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:40,064
in the back of a hearse
getting an airbrush spray tan
473
00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:41,936
from a woman named Lou.
474
00:20:41,979 --> 00:20:43,981
All right, you got
a little carried away.
475
00:20:44,025 --> 00:20:46,070
This will all wash out.
476
00:20:46,114 --> 00:20:49,073
But I don't want it to wash out.That's what scares me.
477
00:20:49,117 --> 00:20:53,513
I don't know where Nicole ends
and Nikki begins.
478
00:20:53,556 --> 00:20:54,514
Aw.
479
00:20:54,557 --> 00:20:58,866
Jersey trash is in your DNA.
480
00:20:58,909 --> 00:21:01,390
[New Jersey accent]:
Hey! Watch the hair, Ma.
481
00:21:02,913 --> 00:21:05,699
[regular accent]:
Why am I talking like that?
482
00:21:05,742 --> 00:21:07,788
Don't worry, we are
gonna get you clean.
483
00:21:07,831 --> 00:21:09,311
First thing, spit out the gum.
484
00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:11,792
I'm chewing gum?
485
00:21:11,835 --> 00:21:14,447
To be safe, I'm going to keep
Leila away from Grandma
486
00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:15,926
for the rest of the week.
487
00:21:15,970 --> 00:21:18,538
Where is Leila?
488
00:21:18,581 --> 00:21:20,453
Look what Brian made me.
489
00:21:20,496 --> 00:21:22,498
I'm invincible!
490
00:21:25,849 --> 00:21:27,851
If anyone's keeping score,
she's my favorite.
491
00:21:34,075 --> 00:21:36,033
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
492
00:21:39,472 --> 00:21:41,648
Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson are Outmatched.
493
00:21:41,778 --> 00:21:43,737
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