All language subtitles for Outmatched.S01E03.WEBRip.x264-ION10

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic Download
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian Download
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt-PT Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian Download
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,479 --> 00:00:03,307 ANNOUNCER: These parents are Outmatched. 2 00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:05,527 How did I give birth to Wikipedia? 3 00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:07,007 ANNOUNCER: All-new episodes Thursdays. 4 00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:09,139 And watch other Fox shows like Last Man Standing. 5 00:00:09,270 --> 00:00:10,967 -Bingo. -Only on Fox. 6 00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:15,885 What's that sad bouncy house for? 7 00:00:17,669 --> 00:00:19,410 That is an air mattress. 8 00:00:19,454 --> 00:00:21,282 And I think we all know what it's for. 9 00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:22,848 Marital strife. 10 00:00:22,892 --> 00:00:26,200 Ha! Not this time. 11 00:00:26,243 --> 00:00:28,115 Nope. 12 00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:30,117 Actually, the air mattress is for Nicole. 13 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,641 You're sleeping in Markand Leila's room for a few days 14 00:00:32,684 --> 00:00:34,425 because... 15 00:00:34,469 --> 00:00:38,255 Grandma and Grandpa are coming. Yay! 16 00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:40,301 [groaning] 17 00:00:40,344 --> 00:00:43,347 Seriously? It's like being visited by two time travelers 18 00:00:43,391 --> 00:00:46,959 here to tell us which stores used to be other stores. 19 00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:49,223 All right, okay, listen. 20 00:00:49,266 --> 00:00:51,747 I-I know having them here isn't always easy... 21 00:00:51,790 --> 00:00:54,532 But you have to understand they come from a generation 22 00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:58,319 where food and criticism are how you show love. 23 00:00:58,362 --> 00:01:00,321 Let's be honest. 24 00:01:00,364 --> 00:01:01,713 Thanks to technology, the oral tradition 25 00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:03,976 that once made Grandma and Grandpa relevant 26 00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:06,457 has been rendered obsolete. 27 00:01:06,501 --> 00:01:08,590 They're the AOL of people. 28 00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:13,377 They do make weird sounds when starting up. 29 00:01:15,379 --> 00:01:16,946 And they love telling us when we have mail. 30 00:01:16,989 --> 00:01:18,948 But that's helpful. 31 00:01:18,991 --> 00:01:21,255 Yes. I think there's still a lot 32 00:01:21,298 --> 00:01:23,692 Grandma and Grandpa can teach us. 33 00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:26,303 Oh. Thanks, buddy. 34 00:01:26,347 --> 00:01:29,524 They will likely be our introduction to death. 35 00:01:31,395 --> 00:01:33,354 You guys don't enjoy it when they're here, either. 36 00:01:33,397 --> 00:01:35,399 Last time they came Mom broke out a puzzle 37 00:01:35,443 --> 00:01:37,358 and you left to go watch the sunset. 38 00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:39,751 It was 8:00 a.m. 39 00:01:41,405 --> 00:01:42,406 When are they coming? 40 00:01:42,450 --> 00:01:43,364 Well... 41 00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:50,893 Bang. You're all dead. 42 00:01:51,981 --> 00:01:53,200 House full of geniuses, 43 00:01:53,243 --> 00:01:56,377 nobody thinks to lock the front door? 44 00:01:56,420 --> 00:01:58,030 Also, you've got mail. 45 00:01:59,641 --> 00:02:02,470 ♪ 46 00:02:09,651 --> 00:02:11,870 -Sylvia! Jay, hi. -Hi. 47 00:02:11,914 --> 00:02:14,743 -Hi. -Hey. -There he is. 48 00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,440 How was the flight from Boca? 49 00:02:16,484 --> 00:02:18,964 Confusing. I sat next to something called 50 00:02:19,008 --> 00:02:22,316 an emotional support duck. 51 00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:24,231 I'm telling you, the world has gone nuts. 52 00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:26,189 Your kids' futures are in the hands 53 00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:29,975 of people who fly around with ducks in little red vests. 54 00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:31,760 Yeah. In my day, ducks used to wear a jacket and tie 55 00:02:31,803 --> 00:02:33,414 when they flew on a plane. 56 00:02:33,457 --> 00:02:35,851 [laughs]Hey... hey, that's pretty good. 57 00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:37,983 Kay tell you to say that? 58 00:02:38,027 --> 00:02:39,071 SYLVIA: Look at these angels. 59 00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:42,423 Ooh, I just want to dunk you in sangria 60 00:02:42,466 --> 00:02:44,251 and drink you up. [clicks tongue] 61 00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:46,383 Here's my boy Marcadine. Huh? 62 00:02:46,427 --> 00:02:49,604 And Brian. Put her there, baby. Put her there. 63 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,260 What is that, like, a bag of coleslaw? 64 00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:54,783 Come on. Don't they teach you how to 65 00:02:54,826 --> 00:02:57,394 shake hands at that fancy private school of yours? 66 00:02:57,438 --> 00:02:58,656 That's next semester. 67 00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:00,354 Right now we're focusing on eye contact 68 00:03:00,397 --> 00:03:02,834 and comfort around groups of two or more. 69 00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:06,925 Hey, you're wasting your money on that private school. 70 00:03:06,969 --> 00:03:08,884 And by the way, I just taught him how to shake hands. 71 00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:10,494 That'll be 30 grand, please. 72 00:03:12,496 --> 00:03:13,367 SYLVIA: Hush up, Jay. 73 00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:16,283 You know, I brag to my friends all the time 74 00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:18,241 about how brilliant you three are. 75 00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:21,070 Let me see you do something smart for Grandma. 76 00:03:21,113 --> 00:03:24,465 What number am I thinking of 77 00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:26,206 right now? 78 00:03:27,511 --> 00:03:29,034 Seven. 79 00:03:29,078 --> 00:03:32,081 Oh, my God! My brilliant grandchildren! 80 00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:36,303 [quietly]: It was three. I felt bad. 81 00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:37,913 There's my little featherweight, huh? 82 00:03:37,956 --> 00:03:39,610 Come over here. 83 00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:41,699 Let me see you put that left hook right on Grandpa's chin. 84 00:03:41,743 --> 00:03:43,614 -Go ahead. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 85 00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:45,747 [chuckles] Yeah, we're-we're trying to cut back 86 00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:47,749 on the violence. Apparently, during recess, 87 00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:49,751 she organized a fight club. 88 00:03:49,794 --> 00:03:52,493 SYLVIA: Nicole, look at you. 89 00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:53,755 So gorgeous. 90 00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,931 You don't need a brain when you're this pretty. 91 00:03:55,974 --> 00:03:59,064 I'm a three-time regional debate champion, 92 00:03:59,108 --> 00:04:02,067 and I don't know how to respond to that. 93 00:04:02,111 --> 00:04:04,287 What I do is say nothing. 94 00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:07,159 Then get too drunk atThanksgiving and say everything. 95 00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:09,553 Anyway, Dad, uh, 96 00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:11,163 I know how much you miss Wawa, 97 00:04:11,207 --> 00:04:13,427 so I picked up a bunch of subs for dinner. 98 00:04:13,470 --> 00:04:15,080 What are you talking about? 99 00:04:15,124 --> 00:04:17,344 You can't have lunch meat for dinner. 100 00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:18,867 What is this, an AA meeting? 101 00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:21,348 Oh, what, are you kidding? No way. 102 00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:23,132 We're having steaks. 103 00:04:23,175 --> 00:04:24,873 Oh, look at that. I got-- 104 00:04:24,916 --> 00:04:27,658 I got the best butcher in Florida. Huh? 105 00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:29,965 Your mother thought I was crazypacking frozen steaks 106 00:04:30,008 --> 00:04:32,359 in my carry-on. [laughs] 107 00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:35,579 Who's crazy now, lady? 108 00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:38,539 I love it when my family is all together. 109 00:04:38,582 --> 00:04:41,542 I agree. It's a nice moment. I'll miss this. 110 00:04:41,585 --> 00:04:44,675 Oh, Markie, we're gonna be here the whole week. 111 00:04:44,719 --> 00:04:46,329 I meant when you're dead. 112 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:52,292 Who wants to do a puzzle? 113 00:04:56,861 --> 00:05:00,561 Oh, you finally got around to all that nailing scraps 114 00:05:00,604 --> 00:05:02,911 of wood you've been meaning to do. 115 00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:05,566 I needed a break from my dad. 116 00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:07,568 You know, I drove a half hour to get those subs, 117 00:05:07,611 --> 00:05:09,221 and he just pulls out some luggage meat 118 00:05:09,265 --> 00:05:11,180 and expects me to fire up the grill? 119 00:05:11,223 --> 00:05:13,704 I mean, he was barely through the door and already 120 00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:16,751 criticizing me, my parenting, my subs. 121 00:05:16,794 --> 00:05:19,710 I feel bad for the duck who had to sit next to him 122 00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:21,799 on the plane. 123 00:05:21,843 --> 00:05:24,236 I hope that duck has its own duck. 124 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,021 It's like nothing I do is right. 125 00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:27,501 And it's been like that my whole life. 126 00:05:27,544 --> 00:05:30,155 You know, in high school, I wanted to play soccer. 127 00:05:30,199 --> 00:05:32,375 He made me play football because... 128 00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:33,942 [imitating Jay]: Soccer? [scoffs] 129 00:05:33,985 --> 00:05:37,075 Soccer's for commies and failed placekickers. 130 00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:40,427 Yeah. Well, in your dad's defense, 131 00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:42,516 being married to your mom for 40 years 132 00:05:42,559 --> 00:05:44,256 probably broke his brain. 133 00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,737 Do not make me choose between you and my mom 134 00:05:46,781 --> 00:05:50,393 because... you'll win, but you might not cover the spread. 135 00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:52,264 Any time she gets me alone, 136 00:05:52,308 --> 00:05:54,571 all she does is grill me about you. 137 00:05:54,615 --> 00:05:55,964 [imitating Sylvia]: How's he sleeping? 138 00:05:56,007 --> 00:06:00,055 Does he wear a jacket? Is he having foot pain? 139 00:06:00,098 --> 00:06:03,537 Good. When it's cold. And not since she sent me the insoles. 140 00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:05,800 I don't want to talk about your stupid feet. 141 00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:08,846 But no matter what I say, she somehow always 142 00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:10,457 brings it back to you. 143 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,241 One time I mentioned tampons, 144 00:06:12,284 --> 00:06:15,287 and she got it back to you in 11 words. 145 00:06:15,331 --> 00:06:17,028 How'd she do that? 146 00:06:17,072 --> 00:06:21,816 Oh, never mind. I got it. 147 00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:23,992 Ugh, we should get back up there. 148 00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:25,559 The kids are alone with your parents, 149 00:06:25,602 --> 00:06:27,256 probably racking up thousands of dollars 150 00:06:27,299 --> 00:06:28,997 in future therapy. 151 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:30,999 Oh, hey, let's look on the bright side. 152 00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:33,001 I mean, I never even knew my grandparents. 153 00:06:33,044 --> 00:06:35,482 -I mean, we should feel lucky that we still have... -JAY: Hey! 154 00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:38,441 What the hell is a kale chip? 155 00:06:42,619 --> 00:06:46,362 Two nails left. One for you, one for me. 156 00:06:53,717 --> 00:06:56,677 Kay, there you are. 157 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,026 Sit your tush. 158 00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,723 We need to talk, just us girls. 159 00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:04,032 So... how's my boy? 160 00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:06,338 Wearing plenty of jackets, Syl. 161 00:07:06,382 --> 00:07:07,818 Oh, good. And... 162 00:07:07,862 --> 00:07:09,733 Feet are much better since the insoles. 163 00:07:09,777 --> 00:07:12,344 Arches like a ballerina, that one. 164 00:07:12,388 --> 00:07:13,520 -And is he... -Hey. 165 00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:15,826 That is a lovely jacket. 166 00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:17,524 Where did you get that from? 167 00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:20,352 Oh, I got it at an after-Christmas sale. 168 00:07:20,396 --> 00:07:21,919 Those are always a gamble. 169 00:07:21,963 --> 00:07:24,922 Of course, you know about that from your job at the casino. 170 00:07:24,966 --> 00:07:27,664 Which reminds me, how is work for Mike? 171 00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:31,625 Mom, Grandpa sent me in to bring him a beer 172 00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:35,150 because he says it tastes betterwhen a woman brings it to him. 173 00:07:35,193 --> 00:07:37,674 I taught him that. 174 00:07:37,718 --> 00:07:39,937 It's important to keep them helpless. 175 00:07:39,981 --> 00:07:43,506 You know, why don't I bring it to him, 176 00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:45,552 and, Nicole, you can stay here and fill in Grandma 177 00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:46,988 on what Dad's been doing. 178 00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:49,381 But I want to see Grandpa's facewhen we finish the puzzle 179 00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:52,428 and he sees that the Earth is round. 180 00:07:53,908 --> 00:07:57,215 I heard daughters who take one for the team 181 00:07:57,259 --> 00:07:59,870 -sometimes get their bedrooms back. -[chuckles] 182 00:07:59,914 --> 00:08:03,004 I see your bribe and raise you that blazer I wanted. 183 00:08:03,047 --> 00:08:04,658 Done. You're slipping. 184 00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:07,399 You could have had me for the full pantsuit. 185 00:08:07,443 --> 00:08:09,793 You could have had me for just the bedroom. 186 00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:11,665 Damn it. 187 00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:13,710 Kay! 188 00:08:13,754 --> 00:08:15,103 You forgot Jay's beer. 189 00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:16,757 Yeah, I'm not doing that. 190 00:08:21,457 --> 00:08:25,113 Hey, buddy, why don't you come help us with the puzzle? 191 00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:28,899 No puzzle is quite sofascinating as the final puzzle. 192 00:08:28,943 --> 00:08:30,553 Death. 193 00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,910 That's a real spooky kid you got there, son. 194 00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:42,260 Geez. So, Bri, 195 00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:43,740 tell me, how's it going with the girls? 196 00:08:43,784 --> 00:08:45,002 You driving 'em wild? 197 00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:48,092 I'm not sure, 'cause I've never spoken to them. 198 00:08:49,485 --> 00:08:52,619 Well, that's all gonna change now that you're driving. 199 00:08:52,662 --> 00:08:54,272 Oh, I'm not driving. 200 00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:55,360 What are you talking about? 201 00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:57,014 We don't need to get into that.Oh, hey, Dad, 202 00:08:57,058 --> 00:08:59,060 was that CVS that looks like a movie theater 203 00:08:59,103 --> 00:09:01,366 always a CVS? 204 00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:04,065 Oh, no, no. First it was a Gimbels... 205 00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:06,937 Don't bait me with store talk. 206 00:09:06,981 --> 00:09:09,810 I want to hear about this thing. 207 00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:11,376 I'm not driving until I'm 25. 208 00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:13,422 That's when the limbic system is developed enough 209 00:09:13,465 --> 00:09:16,207 to fully process risk. 210 00:09:16,251 --> 00:09:18,383 You know, with all the science in that sentence, 211 00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:20,385 it's still the dumbest thing I've ever heard. 212 00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:22,953 Well, if getting around is the concern, 213 00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:24,302 I have that taken care of. 214 00:09:24,346 --> 00:09:25,826 Oh, no, no, no, hold on. 215 00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:26,957 We don't need to show Grandpa that. 216 00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:28,089 Show Grandpa what? 217 00:09:28,132 --> 00:09:32,093 This is the future of transportation. 218 00:09:32,136 --> 00:09:35,400 That is the future of dying a virgin. 219 00:09:35,444 --> 00:09:38,186 I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes. 220 00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:41,450 -This is a wearable airbag. -[horn squeaks] 221 00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,106 You're okay with this? 222 00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:47,674 "Okay" is a strong word. 223 00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:50,807 Son, a man has to drive. 224 00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:53,854 You can't take a girl to the drive-in in an Uber. 225 00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:55,507 I mean, how's that supposed to work? 226 00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:57,074 "Honey, I'm gonna go get some popcorn. 227 00:09:57,118 --> 00:09:59,511 Anything for you, Viktor?" 228 00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:01,775 He doesn't want to learn how to drive. Okay? 229 00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:03,298 And I'm not gonna force my kidsto do something 230 00:10:03,341 --> 00:10:04,429 they don't want to do. 231 00:10:04,473 --> 00:10:06,083 Okay, fine. If you can't handle it, 232 00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:07,215 I'll take care of it. 233 00:10:07,258 --> 00:10:08,825 -Whoa, h-hold on, hold on. -What? 234 00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:10,697 No, you're-you're not teaching my kid how to drive. 235 00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:12,873 If anyone is teaching him, it's gonna be me. 236 00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:13,787 Sure you are. 237 00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:15,789 That's almost as funny as Kay's duck joke. 238 00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:19,227 No. No, no, no, I'm doing it. Okay? 239 00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:20,794 Hey, Bri, you hear that, buddy? 240 00:10:20,837 --> 00:10:22,926 -Your dad's teaching you to drive. -What? 241 00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:31,848 Boy, you're off to a bang-up start, huh? 242 00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:34,459 You got a, uh, pocket knife to pop your son? 243 00:10:34,503 --> 00:10:36,505 Of course you don't. 244 00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:43,381 Hey. How'd you get rid of Grandma? 245 00:10:43,425 --> 00:10:45,166 Did you tell her Michael Bublé's signing CDs 246 00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:46,907 at the Barnes & Noble? 247 00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:50,345 No. She's making us a nail appointment. 248 00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:52,739 Oh, sweetie, no. 249 00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:54,262 You will be strapped to a spa chair 250 00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:56,046 while Grandma grills you about Dad. 251 00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:59,702 That is not a nail appointment,that's a hostage situation. 252 00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:02,096 Actually, she's barely mentioned Dad. 253 00:11:02,139 --> 00:11:03,924 Really? 254 00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:06,970 So what have you been talking about this whole time? 255 00:11:07,014 --> 00:11:09,320 A lot of things. Her life, my life. 256 00:11:09,364 --> 00:11:12,106 We called her friend Margee. She's a real hoot. 257 00:11:12,149 --> 00:11:15,065 That's a phrase I picked up from Margee. 258 00:11:15,109 --> 00:11:17,285 SYLVIA: Good news. 259 00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:21,289 My nail lady Carmela's out on parole, and she can fit us in. 260 00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:24,771 Then you can finishyour story about Kevin Slattery. 261 00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:26,076 [both chuckle] 262 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,599 Who's Kevin Slattery? 263 00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:31,386 Oh, nobody. Grandma. 264 00:11:31,429 --> 00:11:34,519 Oh, right. [tongue clicking] 265 00:11:34,563 --> 00:11:35,869 We should go anyway. 266 00:11:35,912 --> 00:11:38,567 When we're done at Carmela's, I booked us a spray tan. 267 00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,221 I know a guy who does it cheap 268 00:11:40,264 --> 00:11:41,918 in the parking lot of a funeral home. 269 00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:46,967 [engine revving over TV] 270 00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:48,925 So you're mad that your daughter 271 00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:51,232 is spending quality time with her grandmother? 272 00:11:51,275 --> 00:11:54,322 No, I'm mad they're doing it without me. 273 00:11:54,365 --> 00:11:56,367 I mean, do I not look like someone who wants 274 00:11:56,411 --> 00:11:58,326 to get a spray tan in a parking lot? 275 00:11:58,369 --> 00:12:01,459 I am Jersey trash. That's all I want. 276 00:12:01,503 --> 00:12:02,983 Your favorite food is wine coolers. 277 00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:05,115 No one's questioning how trashy you are. 278 00:12:05,159 --> 00:12:09,119 It's not just that. They were actually bonding. 279 00:12:09,163 --> 00:12:11,643 Neither of them have ever talked to me like that. 280 00:12:11,687 --> 00:12:14,908 Oh, honey, I'm sorry. 281 00:12:14,951 --> 00:12:16,997 I know how badly you want to connect with-- 282 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,608 Yeah! Suck it, blue guy! Whoo! 283 00:12:19,651 --> 00:12:22,219 That is why we keepthe video games in the basement. 284 00:12:22,263 --> 00:12:23,960 Why is this out? 285 00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:27,007 Oh, it's a low-stress way to teach Brian how to drive. 286 00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:28,008 But Brian doesn't want to drive. 287 00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:30,140 And we agreed that's fine since he wanted us 288 00:12:30,184 --> 00:12:31,794 to put a seat belt on the recliner. 289 00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:37,147 Look, honey, a man needs to drive. 290 00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:38,670 Why? 291 00:12:38,714 --> 00:12:41,064 Because... W-What are you gonna do? 292 00:12:41,108 --> 00:12:44,546 You gonna go to the drive-in with Viktor? 293 00:12:46,069 --> 00:12:49,029 Oh. This was your dad's idea. 294 00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:51,596 Fine, but it was my idea to listen to him. 295 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,816 And I am gonna take the lead on this, all right? 296 00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:56,166 If I left it up to my dad, he'd-- I don't know-- 297 00:12:56,210 --> 00:13:00,083 he'd whistle, smack Brian's buttand say, "Car. Now." 298 00:13:00,127 --> 00:13:03,043 Hey, Leils, have you seen Brian? 299 00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:04,392 Uh, I just saw Grandpa go... 300 00:13:04,435 --> 00:13:08,091 [whistles] "Car. Now." 301 00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:10,485 Damn it. Here, take over. 302 00:13:12,226 --> 00:13:14,619 Hey, Mom, can you get me a juice box? 303 00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:17,448 It tastes better when a woman brings it to you. 304 00:13:21,017 --> 00:13:23,628 -All right, okay. This is it. -You know, Grandpa, 305 00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:25,543 if you really wanted to try my transporter, 306 00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:27,415 you could have just done it in the driveway. 307 00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:29,199 Oh, no, I-I wanted to take it someplace 308 00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:30,461 where I could, uh, really open her up. 309 00:13:30,505 --> 00:13:32,072 You know what I mean? [chuckles] 310 00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:34,683 Hey, hey, but, uh, while we're here, 311 00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,990 this is a great place to practice your driving. 312 00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:39,688 It's just a quick hop over hereto the driver's seat. 313 00:13:39,731 --> 00:13:41,646 Well, if there's one thing you should know about me, 314 00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:42,865 it's that I can't hop. 315 00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:44,998 -And certainly not quickly. -Uh-huh. 316 00:13:45,041 --> 00:13:46,651 Okay. Well, you know, I'm just,just throwing it out there. 317 00:13:46,695 --> 00:13:47,827 You know what I mean? 318 00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:50,438 [shouting] 319 00:13:50,481 --> 00:13:53,136 -H-- G-Grandpa? -I-- It's my chest. 320 00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:55,138 I think I'm having a heart attack. 321 00:13:55,182 --> 00:13:58,098 Uh, M-Marc was right. He said you could go at any minute. 322 00:13:58,141 --> 00:14:00,230 He said what? B-But that doesn't matter. 323 00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:01,710 You're gonna have to drive me to the hospital. 324 00:14:01,753 --> 00:14:03,451 -Wait, wait. -Come on. Come on. 325 00:14:03,494 --> 00:14:05,018 No, no, this isn't a heart attack. 326 00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:07,150 It's a pulmonary embolism. 327 00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:09,022 Forget the hospital. You'll be dead before we get there. 328 00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:10,545 What are you doing? 329 00:14:10,588 --> 00:14:13,113 I'm gonna pierce your thoraciccavity to relieve the pressure. 330 00:14:13,156 --> 00:14:15,158 -No, no, no. -Don't worry, I've done this to a hamster. 331 00:14:15,202 --> 00:14:18,118 -Wait a minute, you maniac! -Hey, what is going on? 332 00:14:18,161 --> 00:14:19,162 [screams] 333 00:14:19,206 --> 00:14:21,034 Your son is a nut. 334 00:14:21,077 --> 00:14:23,514 Grandpa's having a pulmonary embolism. 335 00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:25,125 I'm not having anything. 336 00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:27,127 I was faking it so that you'd drive. 337 00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:29,129 What? How could you do that? 338 00:14:29,172 --> 00:14:30,043 Me? You were just about 339 00:14:30,086 --> 00:14:32,306 to perform surgery on me with a pen. 340 00:14:32,349 --> 00:14:36,136 Doesn't anybody in this family own a pocket knife? 341 00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:37,267 I can't believe you. 342 00:14:37,311 --> 00:14:39,487 I told you if Brian was going to drive, 343 00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:41,141 I would be the one to teach him. 344 00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:43,578 With a video game, huh? That's not driving. 345 00:14:43,621 --> 00:14:45,580 You know, Springsteen's not singing about 346 00:14:45,623 --> 00:14:48,278 escaping Jersey in a Mario kart. 347 00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:51,499 He's my son, okay?So however I wanted to teach him 348 00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,196 should be up to me. 349 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:54,589 But you've never let anything be up to me. 350 00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:56,547 You've never cared about what I want. 351 00:14:56,591 --> 00:14:57,984 What are you talking about? 352 00:14:58,027 --> 00:15:01,161 I-I'm talking about soccer. 353 00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:02,902 I could have been great. See? 354 00:15:06,035 --> 00:15:08,429 -You robbed the world of that. -[scoffs] 355 00:15:08,472 --> 00:15:10,518 Son, I was just trying to stop you 356 00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:13,173 from making what I thought were bad decisions. 357 00:15:13,216 --> 00:15:15,305 They were my bad decisions to make. 358 00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:17,090 And I'm not gonna steamroll my kids 359 00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:18,439 the same way you steamrolled me. 360 00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:20,441 Come on, Bri. You don't have to... 361 00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:23,835 -Uh-oh. He's gone. -So is his scooter. 362 00:15:23,879 --> 00:15:26,186 Hey, I'm impressed those coleslaw hands 363 00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:27,665 could lift it out of the van. 364 00:15:32,279 --> 00:15:34,237 Are you sure about these? 365 00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:36,936 I have scratches all over my body. 366 00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:41,549 Your skin just needs to build a good callus. 367 00:15:41,592 --> 00:15:45,248 Hey, Syl. Look what I got. 368 00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:49,687 They're vouchers forfree massages at the casino spa. 369 00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:51,689 We give them to high rollers and hotel guests 370 00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:55,215 who find cameras in their bathroom. 371 00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:57,478 I thought you, me and Nicole could all go together. 372 00:15:57,521 --> 00:16:00,698 Oh, Kay, that's so nice. 373 00:16:00,742 --> 00:16:03,788 But you know who you should save these for? Mike. 374 00:16:03,832 --> 00:16:06,226 He looks so tense. Is he working too hard? 375 00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:08,880 Oh, my God, I don't care. Mike isn't interesting. 376 00:16:08,924 --> 00:16:11,144 I mean, he is. 377 00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:15,365 He completes me, best friend, the one, but... 378 00:16:15,409 --> 00:16:20,240 why is every conversation justyou interrogating me about him? 379 00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:23,808 I don't do that. Does Mike think I do that? 380 00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:25,810 Ugh... 381 00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:28,161 -What? -You've been doing it for 20 years! 382 00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:31,816 I'm sorry, it's just, Mike tells me nothing. 383 00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:34,819 I'd have no idea what was going on in my son's life 384 00:16:34,863 --> 00:16:36,256 if you didn't tell me. 385 00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:38,910 Well, I get what that's like. 386 00:16:38,954 --> 00:16:41,391 I mean, I can't get Nicole to tell me anything, either. 387 00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:43,393 It's hard being a mom. 388 00:16:43,437 --> 00:16:45,830 You go from knowing everything about your babies, 389 00:16:45,874 --> 00:16:48,224 and then they grow up and you're just desperate 390 00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,618 for any scrap you can get. 391 00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:53,882 This morning, I called your friend Margee 392 00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:55,492 to find out who Kevin Slattery is. 393 00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:58,408 [chuckles]: Oh. 394 00:16:58,452 --> 00:17:00,845 She really is a hoot. 395 00:17:00,889 --> 00:17:02,630 That's nothing. 396 00:17:02,673 --> 00:17:07,287 Most of my medical procedures are unnecessary. 397 00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:10,203 I just do it so Mike has to call and ask how I'm doing. 398 00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:11,334 Even the hip? 399 00:17:11,378 --> 00:17:13,728 It was a 20-minute call. Totally worth it. 400 00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:17,949 See? This is the type of stuff 401 00:17:17,993 --> 00:17:20,735 we could have been talking about this whole time. 402 00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:25,348 And, look, I'm happy to talk about Mike, but sometimes... 403 00:17:25,392 --> 00:17:27,655 You just want to talk about Nicole? 404 00:17:27,698 --> 00:17:30,353 Oh, God, yes. Can we start now? 405 00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:31,876 Well, if we're gonna get into it, 406 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,314 we're gonna need the Jersey Juice. 407 00:17:34,357 --> 00:17:36,794 -Ah... [laughs] -[clicks tongue] 408 00:17:36,838 --> 00:17:39,362 Yeah. Mmm. 409 00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:40,885 [grunts] 410 00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:42,887 Is that red wine or white? 411 00:17:42,931 --> 00:17:45,238 And a little vodka. 412 00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:48,371 He's got to be close. I mean, how far could he have gotten? 413 00:17:48,415 --> 00:17:51,200 If that thing runs on shame, hecould be in Connecticut by now. 414 00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:54,812 How'd you find us, anyway? 415 00:17:54,856 --> 00:17:57,119 That's where you taught me to drive. 416 00:17:57,163 --> 00:18:00,470 Huh. I'm surprised you remembered that. 417 00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:02,342 Hey, look, 418 00:18:02,385 --> 00:18:04,561 I-I shouldn't have taken Brian like that. 419 00:18:04,605 --> 00:18:06,737 -I-I was out of line. -Eh, it's fine. 420 00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:08,739 No, no. It's not fine. 421 00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:11,960 They're your kids, and you do a good job with them. 422 00:18:12,003 --> 00:18:13,744 Better than I ever could. 423 00:18:13,788 --> 00:18:15,398 And just for the record, 424 00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:18,140 I never meant to steamroll you into playing football. 425 00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:20,360 It's just that, how was I supposed to coach you 426 00:18:20,403 --> 00:18:22,840 in soccer if I didn't know anything about it? 427 00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:25,495 You think soccer's tough? 428 00:18:25,539 --> 00:18:27,410 My kids are into particle physics. 429 00:18:27,454 --> 00:18:30,283 And numbers that somehow also have letters in them. 430 00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:32,372 I guess you just try to do the best you can 431 00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:36,854 and then you-you hope for a couple of moments like this. 432 00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:41,946 Why is it so much easier to talk like this in a car? 433 00:18:41,990 --> 00:18:45,515 Car's a perfect spot for a father-son talk. 434 00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:47,300 You know, nobody can leave, 435 00:18:47,343 --> 00:18:48,823 you're staring ahead for the most part, 436 00:18:48,866 --> 00:18:51,391 so there's none of that weird eye contact. 437 00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:54,394 -And then-- then there's idiot drivers... -[horn honking] 438 00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:56,309 ...that are always a good conversation starter. 439 00:18:56,352 --> 00:18:58,746 Hey, look, look, some moron left his inflatable raft 440 00:18:58,789 --> 00:19:00,313 on the side of the road. 441 00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:02,402 You do realize that inflatable raft is your son? 442 00:19:02,445 --> 00:19:04,491 -I do now. Pulling over. -Yeah. 443 00:19:06,057 --> 00:19:08,147 [cheering over TV] 444 00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:14,588 Am I dead? 445 00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:18,331 No. And I'm glad. 446 00:19:18,374 --> 00:19:20,463 -I'd miss you. -Ah. 447 00:19:20,507 --> 00:19:23,640 But if you see any lights or tunnels, call me. 448 00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:30,212 Is that Jay Bennett watching soccer? 449 00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:32,867 That's right. It was your husband's idea. 450 00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:34,434 It's not half bad. You know, you can hardly tell 451 00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:37,480 most of these guys are European. 452 00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:39,569 MIKE: Oh, hey, Bri, listen. 453 00:19:39,613 --> 00:19:41,354 Sorry about the whole driving thing. 454 00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:43,356 I promise, you do not have to learn until you're ready. 455 00:19:43,399 --> 00:19:47,055 It's all right. I had a lot oftime to reflect after my crash, 456 00:19:47,098 --> 00:19:49,057 and I decided I'm ready to face my fears 457 00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,015 and embrace the open road. 458 00:19:51,059 --> 00:19:54,845 So I'm finally gonna learn how to ride a bicycle. 459 00:19:57,108 --> 00:20:00,938 If I don't comment on that, can I watch football? 460 00:20:04,986 --> 00:20:07,684 Oh, my God, Kay. Wait till you see Nicole. 461 00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:09,686 She looks like Jackie O. 462 00:20:09,730 --> 00:20:10,948 You know, before the whole thing. 463 00:20:10,992 --> 00:20:13,212 Nikki, come on in here. 464 00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:21,394 KAY: Wow. 465 00:20:21,437 --> 00:20:22,482 You look... 466 00:20:22,525 --> 00:20:24,484 You look like the women outside Mom's casino 467 00:20:24,527 --> 00:20:25,876 Dad pretends not to look at. 468 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:29,097 Mom, can I talk to you for a second? 469 00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:34,668 I don't know what happened. 470 00:20:34,711 --> 00:20:36,452 It started with one nail appointment. 471 00:20:36,496 --> 00:20:38,324 Next thing I know, I'm lying facedown 472 00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:40,064 in the back of a hearse getting an airbrush spray tan 473 00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:41,936 from a woman named Lou. 474 00:20:41,979 --> 00:20:43,981 All right, you got a little carried away. 475 00:20:44,025 --> 00:20:46,070 This will all wash out. 476 00:20:46,114 --> 00:20:49,073 But I don't want it to wash out.That's what scares me. 477 00:20:49,117 --> 00:20:53,513 I don't know where Nicole ends and Nikki begins. 478 00:20:53,556 --> 00:20:54,514 Aw. 479 00:20:54,557 --> 00:20:58,866 Jersey trash is in your DNA. 480 00:20:58,909 --> 00:21:01,390 [New Jersey accent]: Hey! Watch the hair, Ma. 481 00:21:02,913 --> 00:21:05,699 [regular accent]: Why am I talking like that? 482 00:21:05,742 --> 00:21:07,788 Don't worry, we are gonna get you clean. 483 00:21:07,831 --> 00:21:09,311 First thing, spit out the gum. 484 00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:11,792 I'm chewing gum? 485 00:21:11,835 --> 00:21:14,447 To be safe, I'm going to keep Leila away from Grandma 486 00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:15,926 for the rest of the week. 487 00:21:15,970 --> 00:21:18,538 Where is Leila? 488 00:21:18,581 --> 00:21:20,453 Look what Brian made me. 489 00:21:20,496 --> 00:21:22,498 I'm invincible! 490 00:21:25,849 --> 00:21:27,851 If anyone's keeping score, she's my favorite. 491 00:21:34,075 --> 00:21:36,033 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 492 00:21:39,472 --> 00:21:41,648 Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson are Outmatched. 493 00:21:41,778 --> 00:21:43,737 See all-new episodes Thursdays on Fox. 35240

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.