All language subtitles for eastbound.and.down.s01e03

Transcript: Pipit, Koni, Collioure, mpm
pour la Fabrique de sous-titres

Holy shit!
That was incredible.

You want a sip?

I can't drink spirits
if I gonna be driving, Kenny.

Oh, fuck!

I'm so drunk I feel retarded.

Oh fuck you, dude.
I'm not trained to use that word

but that's how I feel right now.

You're so fucking badass, Kenny.

You still fuckin'...

You say, "you fuckin' mess with me.

"I throw a brick in your face."

Smashing and break through
a fucking dude's window is nothing

compared to the things I've done.

I've killed people.

You know what I wish?

I wish I could just hang around
with you all the time

and just like,

do whatever you do.

Just like, learn from you,

and aid you.

Aid me?

Yeah, you know like,

like a good friend

that would be there for you...

- always.
- Like an assistant?

Yeah, or like...

Like a best friend.

Fuck, dude!

An assistant.

I mean, did that could be
just the fucking key?

I'm trying to get back
into the big leagues.

That's a huge task!

I could use somebody like you.

Just do all my bullshit,

my fucking run around.

And I could just have time
to focus up on the day to day.

Mother...

fucker!

That's Clegg in my fucking truck.

Hold on to your dick.

You still with us, buddy?

What... what happened?

You were driving and you smashed
into this boat cause you were drunk.

No, wait, you were driving.

You were driving.
I was in the passenger seat.

I'm lucky to be alive.

No, you...

You were driving
because you're my assistant.

That's what my assistant does.

He drives me around
when I get shit hammered.

Am I really your assistant?

I don't know.

That depends.

Were you driving?

Yes, I was driving.

Yes, of course you were.

Of course you were.
Alright, well...

I'm on a split
because I've got priors,

but see ya at school.

What the hell?

Alright, now,
I want this stuff categorized,

inventorized,

I'm not paying you all
2 buck an hour for nothing, alright?

That's a fun middle finger,
how many of those do we have?

It says 16.

16.
This is worth millions of dollars,

I don't want sweat
and little kids fingerprints over.

What those things doing
out in the driveway?

everyone out is gonna buy it.
People will buy this shit.

16 or 17?

- 16.
- Kenny, what...

- What's up, Dus?
- What's all this junk doing in here?

Dustin, this "junk"
is the answer to all our prayers.

I'm gonna sell this Powers memorabilia.
We're gonna make fucking millions.

Millions of dollars?
Toilet seats?

You know, this toilet seat
is a collector's item.

It's valuated over 2000$,
I've a thousand of them.

Look. Opens up
you take shit in the middle of it.

- You fall down and bump of your head?
- What are you talking about?

You gotta be outta your fuckin' mind.
Who's gonna buy this shit?

Excuse me for being
a fucking businessman.

Maybe you could learn something
instead of just criticizing.

Stay good at what you're doing
which is I guess, being poor.

What is this?

If you really want to sell this stuff
you should just put it on Ebay.

I could list it.

Don't put yourself
to doing something with him.

I don't think
I appreciate your tone.

I think that's a fantastic idea
I would love to talk to you

one-on-one about said proposal.

Minus the dickhead here.

Look at...

that.

Wayne's Triple H sweatshirt

just sold for 15$!

I love that. It gives me
a little charge. That's so fun.

OK, so basically

we're gonna post your things online
and then people will make bids on them.

Kind of like an auction.

And then, the highest bid wins.

I know how the fuck Ebay works,
what I wanna know is how much.

OK, here is the thing...

you don't know
what the market's gonna be

until you actually
do post your things online.

I'm not talking about that. I'm talking
about how much, how much for you.

What's your commission?
What's the d�marche?

I don't want anything from you.
I'm not gonna charge you.

Why are you doing it?

Loved ones such as yourself

are a blessing
to me and our family and...

we bestow our feelings of love

towards you by being...

generous and blessful.

I don't know, sounds a little fishy.

Look at that, you see that?
That's what my dick goes through.

OK, you know what?

I'm starting to see
what's possible here.

I mean, maybe this is fate.

Maybe this is fated
that you are here on this earth

to move this treasures from me.
Think about it.

What are the chances that I would
have all that awesome stuff,

be staying here with you guys,

and then you know how to ebay good.

Maybe this is what God wants.

Maybe God wants us
to get rich as hell off this shit.

- Well, that certainly would be nice.
- Fuck yeah, it would be nice.

I'll be generous with my wealth.

I'll help out obviously
with things around here

I'll pay for those extra channels
that I have

subscribe to on the satellite thing.

I will also help out with the boys.

Maybe I could open up
a checking account on their names

that I could have access to,
you know, just...

drop moneys into,
make contributions.

Maybe even open up a credit card,

in their names and my names.

I don't think we're gonna
open up a credit card account

for you on my children's name.

OK. We should definitely do
the checking account thing though.

Let's start listing the first stuff.

I've been blessed with many things:

an arm like a damn rocket,
a cock like a Burmese python

and the mind of a fuckin scientist.

So people often ask me,

"Kenny, what are your weaknesses,
do you have any?"

I would say that my biggest flaw,
my Achilles heel,

is my tireless work ethic.

Some people say I'm a women hater.
That's not true, I love women

Every fucking one of them,
even the ugly shit ones,

but don't ask me to trust them,
not even nuns.

Because every pair of tits
comes with a gaping hole

and all the needs
that even Kenny Powers can't fill

In the name of American mythology.

You can smoke a pipe
until your dick falls off,

but I'm not dancing with any fucking
wolves no matter how high I get.

Not that I get high, but if I did,

my shit would believe
in our Lord and savior Jesus Christ.

If there's one thing I hate,
it's loosing.

If there's two things I hate,
it's loosing and getting cancer.

- What are you looking at?
- Your nice hair, asshole.

Yeah, nice job, making 3 bucks a week,
you dipshit.

Sell weed, you'll make more money.

{\Cortland High School's
Caldwell pitches no-hitter}

{\NEVER LET THE FEAR OF STRIKING OUT
GET IN YOUR WAY. BABE RUTH}

Happy Farm
is an organic beef distributor.

- I don't have his number, find it.
- OK, got it.

Have him make
weekly shipment of Kobe beef

directly to Luis in the cafeteria

It's gonna cost you more, if you drop
my name you should get a discount

- Has a petty cash come through yet?
- I'm still waiting on a check for that,

so for now I'm gonna need you
to keep flowing it.

Save your receipt,
because I'll reimburse you.

- OK. Very cool.
- Finally,

I need you to find
who the fuck Caldwell is.

Caldwell?

Yeah, he's some hotshot pitcher
trying to be me.

Trying to bite the Powers fucking style.
I want to know when he plays.

I want to see who
this limp dick imposter is working with.

- But he's in high school.
- So what?

He wants to be in the big game, so do I.
He's my competition.

A casualty of my fuckin' war.

Consider it done.

Are you ready to learn
some next level shit?

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

From this moment on, you guys
are no longer little kids.

You're cold, calculated murderers.

This is the mindset you gotta be in
if you wanna be a champion.

You got me?

- What do you need, bro?
- I'm just observing the class.

Carry on, please,
because I'm awfully intrigued.

Class, do we want
the principal of the school

in our secret meeting of learning?

Hell no!

Well it's really not up
to any of you guys.

This is part of my job
I have to observe my teachers.

People have spoken, Cut.
Hit the holes, baby.

Try to clean up
some of our language.

And I'll just stand over here,
that's fine with me.

That'd be great for me.

Most of teachers on the staff
don't have a problem with me observing.

You're about to find out that I'm not
like most of those goddamn teachers.

- How's that?
- Am I out of your peripheral?

Anyway, so...

Besides getting shot
in the back of the head,

do you know what else
Abraham Lincoln did?

He was a champion wrestler
in high school.

No, I'm not making that up.

Could you go back behind the door?

I was on a good run, and now,
I've just lost it.

- You want me out in the hallway.
- That would be fantastic.

Behave yourselves.

Don't try to tell my warriors
what to do.

All right, fuck him.
So, here we go, guys.

Name of the game, kids, thunderdome.

Two men enter.

One man leaves.

Kill! Kill!

Dude, I'm so sorry about split
with your truck the over night, man.

I was drunk.

I had a chance to get laid.

- My hands were tied, man.
- I understand.

I probably would have done
the same thing.

We're square on the truck.

I need you to do
something else for me.

- You can't fuck this up.
- Whatever what you want, Kenny.

I need you to score me some juice.

- You mean like, from the store?
- No, motherfucker.

I'm talking roids, don't act like
you don't know about drugs when you do.

I don't know
anybody that sell steroids

What about that black dude
that had all that Cialis

Marcus?

Yeah, maybe.

But... and, I'm not trying
to be a dick here,

but how's taking steroids

gonna get you back
to the big leagues? I mean,

I thought they tested pretty hardcore
for that shit.

Obviously,
I'm not gonna need steroids

once I'm fucking in shape,
this is the kickstart to training, dude.

I'll see what I can do.

I want my moneys.

Some of them moneys.

Put it up Dustin's butt's.

You gotta pay so far.

All right, just few things here,
let me pull it up.

Five thousands dollars.

Did the damn zero key
get stuck, honey?

Good Lord.

Dustin if the zero key did get stuck,
I don't know what the fuck is so funny.

Well, Jesus, Kenny,

who in the world do you think
is gonna pay 5 grand for a broken bat?

A lot of people, Dustin.

That's the bat
I hit my only home run with.

Why are you such a condescending bitch?
I'm trying to make my life better.

OK, you know what, Kenny,
rather than asking for the top price,

maybe we should use the bids
to drive the price up.

I don't know what that means.

We'll lower the asking price and then,
people will compete for the items.

- That's driving the price up.
- Let me get this straight.

You need to lower the prices
of my treasures,

basically giving the shit away
so the people can go

for the prices a little higher.

If that's what you think,
you're the fucking expert

- I've never done this Ebay shit before.
- I know.

All right fine, we lower
the price of the bat,

but I'm not gonna budge
on the baby pillow

Anyone who wouldn't pay that price
is a fucking idiot.

It's a goddamn steal.

All right, cool dudes,

behold gentleman

I offer you a once in a lifetime
investment opportunity.

Each of these balls were thrown
by this fucking hand

in the goddamn world series,
I've autographed each of them,

I'll even throw in
the Halliburton case.

What do you say?
1 000$.

- 1 000$.
- The wholething, a thousand bucks.

I don't have
that kind of money shit,

just sell me one ball
that's all I need.

No, it's a part of a set, you got
to buy all. It's all balls or no balls.

Dude, it ain't happening, man.

- How about you said you were serious.
- Chance, you need to get to class.

What is this? You're messing around
with some black market shit now?

No, no black market shit,
just regular market shit.

What? You guys can sell
goddamn tickets to a cancer kid dance

I can't be here
selling shit for my own things?

On school ground, I'm pretty sure
there's a rule against that.

What you gonna do?
Tell your boyfriend about it?

What is this stuff anyway?

Change of subject,
I could roll with that.

Well, April,
since you're so concerned

these are the priceless heirlooms
for my reign as king of the ballfield.

- All for sale.
- How much is that mask?

This one right here?

Funny you ask,
you obviously have an eye for quality.

This mask is valuated over 600 bucks
but I'll give it to you for 4 hundies.

- Can I try it on?
- Yes, you may.

Put it on.

- You're being rough with the hat
- I just try to put it on.

Well, you almost mess it up.
Look at that.

- As handsome as me.
- Fuck you, I'm Kenny Powers.

- You bet your fucking ass you are.
- You know it.

- Is that it? That's how you do?
- That's how I do.

If I took you from behind right now
I'd be fucking myself over.

You look like a retarded Mike Meyers.
It's not a good look.

- What do you say? We got a deal?
- I can't pay 400 bucks for that shit.

You can't or you won't?

I won't.

I know why you won't.

- Why?
- Cause you hate me.

Don't be late for school.

Don't tell me what to do.

Cleared sale.

Stevie, this better be good.

I'm in a middle of some intense
goddamn training.

Good Kenny.
I found the boy pictured, Caldwell.

Oh, for real.

Hit three.

Perfect pitch.

He threw a perfect pitch?

Technically, yes.

Dude's got dick for style.

Got no showmanship
no personal possess

It's like watching
a fucking pitching machine.

- Fuck this kid.
- Totally, fuck him.

I knew we were wasting our time
coming down here, Kenny.

Stevie, first of all, don't ever fuckin'
second-guess me, that's rule number 1.

Didn't met you in ages, men

- How you doing?
- Who's asking?

I'm Aaron Giggs,
I'm a college recruiter from

UNCW. I just...
I know you don't remember me.

I watched you whip the cracks

of a weak Central's butch
when you was a sophomore,

that's some of the best pitching
I've ever seen in my life.

You had a lot of talent, back then.

He still does.

I'm pretty much re-engineering
man's approach to pitching

- if you wanna get down to brass tacks.
- That's impressive, very.

They said you were around,
teaching school or something.

I focus more on the something aspect
of that choice.

I'm teaching, that's pretty much
out of the kindness of my heart.

- The real deal is the training.
- You're training?

You bet your ass, I am.
Morning, noon and night.

I'm about 2 days away from being
in the best condition of my life.

You know, that's good,
that's good for you, Kenny,

I always thought it was a shame
how things turned out for you.

Didn't turn too bad
I mean, I'm sober now.

Crazy what two years sober do to a man.
Just living totally clean

honest, just straight.

I guess it kinda makes you see
what's really important.

It does, definitely.

Word on the street is
"Kenny Powers is coming back".

Good luck.

Help me out.

With what?

With your connects, motherfucker,
come on.

I'm on a college scale, I can't...

Come on, you know people.

I don't know that many folks.

I'm just not the guy to help you,
I wish I could.

But you'll help this fuckin'
Neil. D. Caldwell.

I don't know if I appreciate
how this conversation is turning.

- You don't get a clue, bro.
- I got the clue.

Let me just go back up
and do what I came here to do.

What's that? Look at a bunch
of little boys throwing balls.

Instead of gettin on board,
and see what's a real talent.

Excuse me, but watching high school kids
is my business, son.

That's fucking terrific.

My business is being a goddamn
powerhouse and making millions of bucks.

I hate to break this to you,
you're a piece of shit.

The big leagues never would
take you back.

You too old, you too fat,
you too goddamn stupid.

That's not true.
I don't give a fuck what you say.

I'm coming back with the big leagues
want me or not.

Real nice meeting you, Kenny.
Watch it, prick.

Watch it, ass blood.

Get up.

Cassandra, get up.

Kenny, what is it?

There's an Internet emergency, I need
to see you in the computer room now!

Jesus, Kenny,
It's the middle of the damn night.

Now, Cassie.

- Kenny... don't go, baby.
- It's okay.

Come on.

Go back to sleep, Dustin.

Don't go, baby...

You butt fucked me, Cassie.

Out of 4993 dollars.

What are you talking about?

Internet.

OK. That's good.
You sold your bat.

Congratulations.

Congratulations, my ass.

You need to calm down
and tell me what's going on.

You want to know what's going on?

This bat we sold.

This bat is my home run bat.

Do you know how many pitchers
hit homeruns in the majors?

Practically, almost zero.

But I did it.

Now, with your help, I sold it
for 7 fuckings bucks to some asshole.

You're upset
that your bat's sold for 7 bucks.

It's not just a bat, Cassie.

Why doesn't anybody want this shit?

Let's be honest. It's been a while
since you've been on top.

Doesn't mean that you've been forgotten
or that you weren't any good,

and it's not an insult
to the talent that you had.

Time changes people's memory
for good and bad.

Fuck time.

I know my past is more valuable
than seven bucks.

Yeah, sure, your...

Your past is valuable
because it made you who you are,

but you need to start
thinking about your future.

I just so happen
to see more in you, Kenny.

What do we do with all this awesome
amount of Kenny Powers shit?

I can think of two people in this house
that will certainly love it.

One thing each, boys.

Wayne, one thing, not two.

Ask anybody out there.

They'll tell you that the foundations
of a great baseball player

starts with an understanding
of some basics fundamentals.

Any one thing, choose wisely.

Running, stretching,
physical conditioning

I give, maybe one of them,
Kenny Powers' condoms

to have when you're older.

Wayne, you might...

There's some Kenny Powers cookies
you might like that.

These are the things
that prepare your body

for the many challenges
a baseball player faces

I heard that bullshit thrown at me
all my damn life.

You know what Kenny Powers says?

Fundamentals are a crutch
for the talentless.

This one coach try to put me
on a weight training program

But I was all like, "You and your weight
can fuck off somewhere

"I'm not lifting that shit,
it's heavy.

"Why I need a strict training
when I am strong enough

"to through a goddamn 100m/h pitch."

Fuck that!

See, in life when you've talent
all the other shit doesn't matter.

If we were on an island
with no weight, no running drills.

Who would be on top then?

The guy with the talent.

Hey, Caldwell.

Kenny Powers says good luck
with your fucking career.

I'm gonna break your arm.

I have a knife. I have a knife.

In a nutshell,
you can train all you want

you can work on your catching,
on your throwing, on your running.

Hell. It might even be enough
to get you into the majors.

I'm gonna hit the stationary bike,
do you need anything?

No thanks, sweetie.

I love you, April.

I love you too.

But in order to be a standout,

an all-star, a champion

you need more
than hardwork and dedication.

You need something
that you can't work for.

You need a blessing
from God All-mighty.