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1
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,934
When my ass was 19 years old...
2
00:00:10,110 --> 00:00:12,943
...I changed the face of professional baseball.
3
00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:15,308
Well, any baseball fan has gotta love this.
4
00:00:15,482 --> 00:00:18,849
Bottom of the ninth inning,
Game 7, bases loaded, two out...
5
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:21,010
...and Atlanta's gone to their bullpen...
6
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:24,156
...and called on the rookie, Kenny Powers.
7
00:00:24,324 --> 00:00:27,452
Absolutely untested,
and he's run the count full...
8
00:00:27,627 --> 00:00:30,391
... to the all-star, Eddie Friarson.
9
00:00:30,563 --> 00:00:33,862
The bases are loaded. He shakes off a sign.
10
00:00:34,067 --> 00:00:37,400
Now he's ready. Three-two pitch.
Struck him out!
11
00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:39,697
You're fucking out!
12
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:44,310
Kenny Powers has done it.
Atlanta wins the series! Listen to this crowd!
13
00:00:44,477 --> 00:00:46,945
I was handed the keys to the kingdom.
14
00:00:47,113 --> 00:00:50,879
Multi-million dollar deals, endorsements.
15
00:00:56,823 --> 00:00:59,485
Everyone wanted a piece of my shit.
16
00:01:00,693 --> 00:01:01,887
You're fucking out!
17
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,360
You're fucking out!
18
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,129
Just a man with a mind for victory...
19
00:01:08,301 --> 00:01:10,496
...and an arm like a fucking cannon.
20
00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:16,334
But sometimes when you bring the thunder...
21
00:01:16,509 --> 00:01:18,067
...you get lost in the storm.
22
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:20,405
I'm sick and tired of carrying all the weight.
23
00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:24,016
The coaches and owners
not giving me the shit I need to win.
24
00:01:24,184 --> 00:01:26,243
Atlanta, you're fucking out.
25
00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:28,148
Kenny Powers is now a free agent.
26
00:01:28,321 --> 00:01:30,186
Find a bar and get shitfaced, huh?
27
00:01:30,356 --> 00:01:31,721
Get me paid, bitch.
28
00:01:31,891 --> 00:01:32,983
Superstar!
29
00:01:35,528 --> 00:01:38,292
So, Kenny, how do you feel
about playing for New York?
30
00:01:38,465 --> 00:01:41,161
You mean Jew York? It's fucking great.
31
00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:46,134
I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad.
32
00:01:46,306 --> 00:01:50,436
But turns out they're nothing compared
to these fags you got in San Francisco.
33
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:56,677
And a true champion,
face to face with his darkest hour...
34
00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:59,478
...will do whatever it takes to rise above.
35
00:01:59,652 --> 00:02:02,018
Any comments on the steroid allegations?
36
00:02:02,188 --> 00:02:04,019
I said I'm not on steroids!
37
00:02:04,190 --> 00:02:08,889
A man fights and fights
and then fights some more.
38
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:12,054
Because surrender is death,
and death is for pussies.
39
00:02:12,232 --> 00:02:15,224
Kenny Powers, a career that
once showed so much promise.
40
00:02:15,401 --> 00:02:18,370
You can feel the sun
going down on it right here.
41
00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:23,902
No, man. Come on, motherfucker.
Come on, fucking fastball.
42
00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:27,740
Two balls, no strikes. A runner at third,
one out in the eighth.
43
00:02:27,914 --> 00:02:30,144
MacWorthy awaits.
44
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:32,876
And there's a long fly ball.
It is way back there.
45
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:35,378
The nail in the coffin of a career.
46
00:02:35,555 --> 00:02:37,455
And Powers kicks his glove.
47
00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:40,388
You're fucking out!
You're fucking out!
48
00:02:41,060 --> 00:02:43,358
And my ass ain't no pussy.
49
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:45,088
My ass is a...
50
00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:48,598
...fucking champion.
51
00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:52,594
Write your name in the top right corner...
52
00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:56,173
...followed by birth date
and social security number.
53
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:58,310
Fill out the form completely.
54
00:02:58,478 --> 00:03:01,504
When you finished, hand in your form to me.
55
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:06,380
Welcome to the Shelby County school system
and your new, exciting career as...
56
00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:08,783
...a substitute teacher.
57
00:03:08,955 --> 00:03:13,187
Hey, you're never gonna believe
who's sitting in front of me.
58
00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:15,293
Kenny Fucking Powers.
59
00:03:15,461 --> 00:03:17,929
No shit. Yeah, it's him.
60
00:03:18,231 --> 00:03:20,461
No. Hell, no. He looks like shit.
61
00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:23,796
He looks like a big bag
full of mashed-up asshole.
62
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:30,842
Kenny Powers!
63
00:03:31,010 --> 00:03:33,535
Holy shit, I knew that was you.
64
00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:35,305
Slow the fuck down, dude.
65
00:03:35,481 --> 00:03:39,144
Marcus Shank.
You banged my stepsister back in high school.
66
00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:40,581
What the fuck are you
doing back here, man?.
67
00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:20,221
Hey, hit me up with that
Texas toast there, bro.
68
00:04:20,393 --> 00:04:23,453
-Oh, here you go.
-Thanks.
69
00:04:24,197 --> 00:04:27,064
So did you get the Christmas
cards we got you this year?.
70
00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:30,829
Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
I get a shit ton of fan mail.
71
00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:34,735
So that's a lot of mail to go through.
But, yeah, I mean, yeah, I think I did.
72
00:04:34,907 --> 00:04:37,637
Y'all get that--
The tanning bed I sent y'all last year?.
73
00:04:37,810 --> 00:04:41,371
-The one you sent three years ago?.
-Three years?.
74
00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:44,943
Well, it is a tanning bed, you know?. So....
75
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:50,354
You boys ever tag team anybody,
beat up any kids in your neighborhood?.
76
00:04:50,523 --> 00:04:53,583
When we were kids,
me and your dad used to beat the shit...
77
00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:56,125
...out of these retards
that lived down the street.
78
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,526
Hilarious. This guy
was the most ruthless one.
79
00:04:58,698 --> 00:05:01,963
Now I'm sitting here, he's got a family,
he's got a nice a shirt on.
80
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,625
We try and teach our children...
81
00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:06,795
...not to make fun
of others who are challenged.
82
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:09,032
Mongoloid Mike.
Is that what you called him?.
83
00:05:09,208 --> 00:05:11,904
You used to bust his head open
with a stick. Remember that?.
84
00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:14,740
Okay. I think we're gonna
tone down the language. Right?.
85
00:05:14,914 --> 00:05:17,405
I mean, my mind's still blown
you got three kids.
86
00:05:17,583 --> 00:05:19,744
I mean, I don't remember
you having this one.
87
00:05:19,919 --> 00:05:22,080
-Old blondie over here.
-We got three.
88
00:05:23,022 --> 00:05:25,923
Three handsome young men.
The Powers' way.
89
00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:28,255
The littlest one's a girl.
90
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:30,728
You certainly are.
91
00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:33,032
Her name is Rose.
92
00:05:33,199 --> 00:05:36,259
Named after Miss Kate Winslet
in the movie Titanic.
93
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:40,503
Y'all named your daughter
after fucking Titanic?
94
00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:42,607
It's Cassie's favorite movie.
95
00:05:43,976 --> 00:05:45,876
You gotta be shitting me.
96
00:05:46,879 --> 00:05:49,575
What's his name, fucking Shrek?.
97
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:53,079
No, huh?. Okay.
98
00:05:53,252 --> 00:05:54,583
Damn, it's cold.
99
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,354
So thanks for letting me crash here.
Appreciate it.
100
00:05:58,524 --> 00:06:00,219
Yeah. Sure, man.
101
00:06:01,761 --> 00:06:04,491
Kenny, we was wondering,
speaking of which...
102
00:06:05,832 --> 00:06:08,300
... how long you was planning on, you know...
103
00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:11,070
-...staying here?.
-We?.
104
00:06:11,237 --> 00:06:12,704
Well, it ain't like that.
105
00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:14,635
How many times do I gotta tell you?.
106
00:06:14,807 --> 00:06:17,708
Gatorade is still trying to get a piece.
The lRS up in my shit.
107
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:21,472
I need to take a job just so the government
can garnish my fucking wages, man.
108
00:06:21,914 --> 00:06:23,939
Just give me a little breathing room here.
109
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:27,280
Just give me some walking around money,
then I'll be fine. Okay?.
110
00:06:28,287 --> 00:06:29,481
How long is that gonna be?.
111
00:06:29,655 --> 00:06:31,145
-You wanna know how long?.
-Yeah.
112
00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:32,951
Four fucking years. How about that?.
113
00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:35,788
Really. We're brothers.
You want me to give you a date?.
114
00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:37,691
Well...
115
00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:41,164
...just wondering how long
it's gonna be till you....
116
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:42,892
Till I what?.
117
00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:46,938
-Get your shit together, Kenny.
-I'm kidding.
118
00:06:48,441 --> 00:06:49,840
I'm not.
119
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:18,530
Okay. Okay.
120
00:07:18,704 --> 00:07:20,569
I'm okay. I'm okay.
121
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:28,677
Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win.
122
00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:32,714
Just like in life, all of my
successes depend on me.
123
00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:34,750
I'm the man who has the ball.
124
00:07:34,921 --> 00:07:37,890
I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck.
125
00:07:38,057 --> 00:07:42,585
So that is why I am better
than everyone in the world.
126
00:07:42,762 --> 00:07:45,993
Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.
127
00:07:46,165 --> 00:07:48,861
You've reached the end of Cassette Number 3.
128
00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:54,568
You're listening to the audio book...
129
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:58,239
...You're Fucking Out,
I'm Fucking In by Kenny Powers.
130
00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,709
Narrated by Kenny Powers.
131
00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:19,593
I mean, he drew a pentagram made of penises.
132
00:08:19,765 --> 00:08:22,029
You know, I think he's a real sicko, Mrs. Brady.
133
00:08:22,201 --> 00:08:26,570
I got my major in art, not psychology.
You know, I don't know what to tell this kid.
134
00:08:26,739 --> 00:08:28,502
April.
135
00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:35,137
April!
136
00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:46,848
I'm just kidding, it's me.
137
00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:52,389
I recognize your scent.
138
00:08:52,565 --> 00:08:53,896
Do you recognize my essence?.
139
00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:56,528
-Yeah?. Yeah.
-Okay.
140
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,136
-That feels familiar, huh?.
-It's nice to see you too.
141
00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:02,206
I think I'm gonna need to change my pants.
142
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:06,872
I'm just playing. I didn't come in my pants.
143
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,614
Did-- I was surprised...
144
00:09:09,782 --> 00:09:12,273
...when I heard that you were coming back.
145
00:09:12,451 --> 00:09:15,978
Oh, you know. I'm just doing
a little rehab on the shoulder, you know?.
146
00:09:16,155 --> 00:09:19,283
Trying to get my fuck on,
you know what I'm saying.
147
00:09:19,458 --> 00:09:20,482
Yeah.
148
00:09:20,660 --> 00:09:23,561
Kenny, if you think that
I'm gonna hook up with you...
149
00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:25,754
...after all this time...
150
00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:27,991
...well, then you've lost your goddamn mind.
151
00:09:28,167 --> 00:09:31,159
You have not changed at all.
We still got that fun chemistry...
152
00:09:31,337 --> 00:09:35,467
-...where we just play with each other--
-Kenny Powers in my school?.
153
00:09:37,343 --> 00:09:40,437
It is a true pleasure to meet you.
I'm just a huge fan.
154
00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:42,274
Terrence Cutler, principal.
155
00:09:42,448 --> 00:09:45,178
Oh, big boss man. Okay.
156
00:09:45,351 --> 00:09:48,115
Well. When I heard that you
were gonna be subbing here...
157
00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:49,982
...I almost lost my mind.
158
00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:51,988
Well, that's good for you.
159
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:54,888
Well, there's something
you need to know about, Kenny.
160
00:09:55,061 --> 00:10:00,522
You're not the only athlete here at Jeff Davis.
I happen to be training for a triathlon right now...
161
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:03,328
...so doing a lot of running,
and cycling, swimming.
162
00:10:03,502 --> 00:10:04,901
Well, you know all about that.
163
00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:07,539
No, actually, I don't. I play real sports.
164
00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:10,369
Not trying to be the best at exercising.
165
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:14,570
-Fuck this guy.
-This guy, hilarious.
166
00:10:14,747 --> 00:10:16,612
-Hilarious.
-Yeah.
167
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:19,876
Let's get your paperwork started.
Show you where you're working.
168
00:10:20,052 --> 00:10:24,148
How about you get the paperwork started?.
I'm gonna stay here and catch up with April.
169
00:10:24,323 --> 00:10:25,881
You know April?.
170
00:10:27,026 --> 00:10:29,756
-We went to high school together.
-We used to date.
171
00:10:29,929 --> 00:10:31,328
You used to date?.
172
00:10:31,497 --> 00:10:34,830
April, you never told me
you dated Kenny Powers.
173
00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:36,901
-Well--
-That is so cool!
174
00:10:37,069 --> 00:10:40,664
It's a little too early to tell,
but looks like the sparks are still flying.
175
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,068
-God.
-I'll get up in it.
176
00:10:42,241 --> 00:10:43,936
Oh, that's not funny.
177
00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:46,806
-That's--
-You're hilarious!
178
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:50,073
I forget to tell you. I'm-- I'm engaged now.
179
00:10:50,883 --> 00:10:55,684
Bullshit. You're engaged?.
Yeah, right. Who are you engaged to?.
180
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:57,780
-To me.
-Yeah.
181
00:10:57,957 --> 00:10:58,981
We're engaged.
182
00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:01,251
Hey, May 1 1th, save the date...
183
00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:04,590
... because Kenny Powers
is definitely coming to my wedding.
184
00:11:04,764 --> 00:11:06,891
You can throw out the first pitch.
185
00:11:17,443 --> 00:11:19,070
What's up?.
186
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:22,237
I'm Kenny Powers,
I'll be your new PE teacher...
187
00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:24,406
...till Coach Booth's back is fixed.
188
00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:28,019
Yeah, I'm famous.
La-di-da, big fucking deal.
189
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:31,054
Now, at this time I'd like to
field any questions anybody has.
190
00:11:31,223 --> 00:11:32,918
This is the time to do it.
191
00:11:33,092 --> 00:11:36,118
-You. Big kid.
-Do we have to run the mile?.
192
00:11:36,762 --> 00:11:37,854
I'm talking about me.
193
00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:41,989
I want-- These are questions
about me personally as a superstar.
194
00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:44,261
You know, you got this moment in time here...
195
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:48,430
...with an American icon, you gonna waste it
asking a question about the fucking mile?.
196
00:11:48,607 --> 00:11:51,337
Who's next?. Who's got something
else for me here?. You.
197
00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:54,604
When you did steroids,
did it make your balls shrink?.
198
00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:55,872
Think that's funny?.
199
00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:59,176
How about I show you my balls
and you can tell me if they shrunk?.
200
00:11:59,351 --> 00:12:02,184
No, for your information, I have full-sized balls.
201
00:12:02,354 --> 00:12:03,821
Next question.
202
00:12:03,989 --> 00:12:05,616
Is it true you were in jail?.
203
00:12:05,791 --> 00:12:07,190
No, babe, rehab.
204
00:12:07,359 --> 00:12:10,260
-That you hurt yourself?.
-No, I didn't hurt myself.
205
00:12:10,429 --> 00:12:13,227
Coach Booth says after back surgery,
he has to go to rehab.
206
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,926
Oh, okay. Yeah, I hurt myself.
207
00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:17,797
I hurt my nose.
208
00:12:18,170 --> 00:12:20,638
All right, I got time for one more. Timid kid.
209
00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:23,331
My dad said you ruined baseball.
210
00:12:23,509 --> 00:12:26,307
You know what?. I can already
tell that I don't like you.
211
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:30,916
And I'm probably not gonna like you no matter
how many pull-ups or pushups you do.
212
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:34,484
If anybody wants to pick on
anybody in class, aim for him...
213
00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:36,951
...because I ain't watching.
214
00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:40,581
Had to be the worst first date ever. In my life.
215
00:12:41,193 --> 00:12:43,821
-And that is why I don't drink.
-That's why I love you.
216
00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:48,490
I don't mean to break up the good time here,
but I just saw two boys raping a sixth grader.
217
00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:50,532
-Oh, my God! Who?.
-Raping.
218
00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:53,069
-Yeah. I'm just kidding.
-Kenny. Where?.
219
00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,964
-You mind if I pony up in here?.
-Oh, sure, have a seat.
220
00:12:56,142 --> 00:12:58,440
I don't know if you've met everybody yet, or not.
221
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,875
But-- Of course, you already know
Ms. Buchanon.
222
00:13:01,046 --> 00:13:03,844
And then we got Mr. Nesbitt,
our drama teacher,
223
00:13:04,016 --> 00:13:07,213
Mrs. Jones, she teaches English,
and our band teacher, Mr. Janowski.
224
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:10,221
Oh, we-- We already know each other too.
225
00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:14,416
-We do?.
-Yeah, it's me, Stevie.
226
00:13:14,593 --> 00:13:16,026
Stevie Janowski.
227
00:13:16,328 --> 00:13:18,319
We met-- We went to high school together.
228
00:13:18,964 --> 00:13:22,456
-I was a drum major.
-What the fuck is that?.
229
00:13:22,768 --> 00:13:25,362
Oh, I lead the whole marching band.
230
00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:27,665
I wore a cape in sophomore year.
231
00:13:28,007 --> 00:13:29,133
Sorry. Nothing.
232
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,743
I've got a lot of memories in my life...
233
00:13:31,911 --> 00:13:34,846
...and sometimes you kind of
have to dump the small ones...
234
00:13:35,014 --> 00:13:37,175
...to make room for the bigger ones.
235
00:13:37,349 --> 00:13:39,817
But sometimes when you try
to dump the smaller ones...
236
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:44,388
...you think they're gone, but they're not.
They're sitting there, waiting to pick up...
237
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,752
...exactly where they left off.
238
00:13:46,959 --> 00:13:50,725
No matter if there are new memories
standing in their way or not.
239
00:13:50,896 --> 00:13:55,265
Personally, I hate it when new memories
get in the way of old ones. I know.
240
00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:58,697
All right, let me get this straight.
I'm gonna pay for a blow job...
241
00:13:58,871 --> 00:14:01,169
...and I gotta pay for
a goddamn hotel room too?.
242
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:04,434
That just seems like I'm spending
too much money for nothing.
243
00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:07,579
You can just get over here.
I can just do the blow job here.
244
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:10,014
Yeah. But, hey, this one is done too.
245
00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:12,412
-You can take that as well.
-Thank you.
246
00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:16,419
And can I wear the Scream mask?.
The mask from Scream?
247
00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:18,216
When I do you from behind?.
248
00:14:18,390 --> 00:14:19,880
Hello?.
249
00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:22,527
Hey, Cassie.
250
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,560
Your cell phone blows.
251
00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:27,858
It's crazy just, like, being out
in the real working world...
252
00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:31,196
...working a real job.
Getting out of the house. It exhausts you.
253
00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:32,997
-lt does. It's exhausting.
-Yeah.
254
00:14:33,172 --> 00:14:35,504
If you could focus
on keeping your area clean...
255
00:14:35,674 --> 00:14:37,642
-... I'd appreciate that.
-Okay, no problem.
256
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:40,404
Cassie, can I ask you a question?.
Hypothetical.
257
00:14:40,579 --> 00:14:43,446
Okay. When you were engaged
to get married to Dustin...
258
00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:47,313
...if somebody else would have asked you out,
like, what would you have said?.
259
00:14:47,486 --> 00:14:51,013
Well, I was pregnant when Dustin
asked me to marry him, so....
260
00:14:51,190 --> 00:14:53,021
Right, who's gonna wanna stick that?.
261
00:14:53,192 --> 00:14:56,059
Okay, well, let's pretend
that you weren't preggers...
262
00:14:56,228 --> 00:15:00,324
...you were just normal.
And then a dude asked you out.
263
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:03,268
Okay. Well....
264
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:09,534
Well, Kenny, I think I would say no.
I mean, it's true love.
265
00:15:09,708 --> 00:15:12,541
You know, when one heart
connects with another heart...
266
00:15:12,711 --> 00:15:14,474
...it's sort of magical.
267
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:17,138
-I really hope for you someday--
-Goddamn it.
268
00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:24,313
No! No, off! Get down!
269
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:25,821
Get your ass down right now!
270
00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:27,618
Hop off there, Blond Ambition Tour!
271
00:15:27,793 --> 00:15:31,024
-Kenny, you cannot talk to my son that way!
-Get out of here.
272
00:15:31,196 --> 00:15:34,427
He's got doo-doo and chocolate over his hands,
ruining my handlebars.
273
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,534
-What's going on?.
-Wayne's on his Jet Ski.
274
00:15:36,702 --> 00:15:39,694
-That's why you're swearing?.
-I will continue to swear, Dustin.
275
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:41,863
This Jet Ski ain't a goddamn toy!
276
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:44,204
-Yes, it is.
-Know what would happen...
277
00:15:44,376 --> 00:15:47,709
...if he dry accelerated this Jet Ski
on land?. He would have ruined it.
278
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,314
If you're really strapped
for cash, sell the Jet Ski.
279
00:15:50,482 --> 00:15:54,680
I don't tell you what to do with your money,
don't tell me what to do with mine, okay?.
280
00:15:54,853 --> 00:15:58,152
And Cassie, do not stare at me
with those dead eyes, you Church bitch--
281
00:15:58,324 --> 00:16:00,792
-Kenny!
-lnstantly I regret saying that.
282
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:04,259
That was a horrible thing to say.
It's just, I'm Kenny Powers!
283
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:07,296
And I'm very upset with how
I'm acting right now!
284
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:10,401
I just have a very hard time
expressing my emotions...
285
00:16:10,569 --> 00:16:12,537
...and I can't stop from yelling!
286
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:15,435
So I am very sorry,
I don't mean to offend you, Wayne.
287
00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:17,302
You have fucking pissed me off...
288
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:20,604
...but I'm very upset right now!
So I'm gonna go ahead and go.
289
00:16:20,779 --> 00:16:24,374
But I'm not gonna stop yelling
because then that'll mean I lost the fight.
290
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:28,213
So please leave a key under the mat,
I love y'all very much.
291
00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:30,480
-Peace out!
-Where you going?.
292
00:16:32,091 --> 00:16:34,082
I'm going to Sha-Booms!
293
00:16:52,878 --> 00:16:54,243
I know you.
294
00:16:54,413 --> 00:16:56,938
I seen your ass on TV.
295
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,318
It ain't often we get many stars in here.
296
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:04,144
Stars kind of make me, oh, how do I say it?.
297
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,288
A little wet in my pussy.
298
00:17:07,459 --> 00:17:09,051
That's one way to say it, yeah.
299
00:17:09,228 --> 00:17:12,664
Hell, no, Tracy. Get out, get out.
Get the fuck out of here.
300
00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:15,692
Fuck you, Clegg, I'm just talking.
301
00:17:16,802 --> 00:17:19,236
Besides, I just need a little TLC.
302
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,965
What you need is a shit ton of Valtrex.
303
00:17:22,141 --> 00:17:24,302
Now get the fuck out. Go!
304
00:17:24,843 --> 00:17:26,936
Go! Get!
305
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,147
Okay, that's nice. Okay.
306
00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:37,880
Powers, step into my office.
Let's do some blow.
307
00:17:38,957 --> 00:17:40,219
Finally, motherfucker.
308
00:17:41,860 --> 00:17:43,987
That was basically college for me, just...
309
00:17:44,163 --> 00:17:46,893
...you know, touring with Widespread
all across the USA.
310
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:50,001
I don't know much about those guys.
I never got into them much.
311
00:17:50,169 --> 00:17:53,434
Oh, man, I'll burn you some shit,
just the choice nugs.
312
00:17:53,605 --> 00:17:56,540
Yeah. Sounds great. I would like that.
I like CDs.
313
00:17:58,510 --> 00:18:00,671
I'm fucking burning up, back here.
314
00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:04,646
I've been waiting the whole time to have
good time. I'm having the shittiest time.
315
00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:08,810
I know, dude. It's so good to see you.
We may be here now, but we were free.
316
00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:10,921
-Still free.
-They can't take that away.
317
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,887
April Buchanon, she works at the--
318
00:18:13,058 --> 00:18:14,457
-April Big Cannons?.
-Yep.
319
00:18:14,626 --> 00:18:16,526
She's engaged to the fucking principal.
320
00:18:16,695 --> 00:18:21,098
-This fucking dipshit that wants to be me, man.
-I mean, this girl is just a blip on the radar.
321
00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:23,666
-Yeah.
-It's like two big old fucking poppers...
322
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:25,736
...attached to a fucking sellout, dude.
323
00:19:10,015 --> 00:19:13,007
So, Kenny, how are you enjoying
working here at Jefferson Davis?.
324
00:19:13,952 --> 00:19:15,078
It's awesome.
325
00:19:15,254 --> 00:19:18,781
Kenny, I've called you here
for something rather serious.
326
00:19:18,957 --> 00:19:20,652
Kind of sad.
327
00:19:21,260 --> 00:19:24,787
Coach Booth died this morning.
They're not sure, but they think...
328
00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:28,262
...he was taking too many of the pain pills
the doctors gave him.
329
00:19:28,433 --> 00:19:30,025
Shit. You can die from that?.
330
00:19:31,703 --> 00:19:34,570
Look, I know you're a free agent...
331
00:19:35,807 --> 00:19:41,575
...but since Coach Booth isn't coming back
I was just wondering if maybe...
332
00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:44,272
...you wanted to come
to this team full-time.
333
00:19:44,449 --> 00:19:46,815
I'd love to add you to the permanent roster.
334
00:19:46,985 --> 00:19:48,919
At least for the rest of the year.
335
00:19:49,087 --> 00:19:53,080
I mean, these kids could benefit from having
a star athlete such as yourself around...
336
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:55,954
...and it could be good for you as well.
337
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:58,028
I'm talking health insurance, 401(k)...
338
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:01,928
...and in a few years you'll have tenure.
339
00:20:04,169 --> 00:20:06,433
You don't find a lot of ball players with tenure.
340
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:10,730
Sleep on it, okay?. You don't have to
make up your mind right now.
341
00:20:12,077 --> 00:20:14,511
-You want a smoothie?.
-No, I'm straight.
342
00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:19,712
You know, I took April's virginity.
343
00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:22,053
What's that?.
344
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:25,315
I said, I don't want a-- I don't want a smoothie.
345
00:20:56,054 --> 00:20:58,887
A lot of people ask me,
"Kenny Powers, you're a giant star...
346
00:20:59,057 --> 00:21:01,617
...you could get any woman.
Have you ever paid for sex?"
347
00:21:01,793 --> 00:21:04,819
And the answer is yes, I have.
Several times, in fact.
348
00:21:04,997 --> 00:21:08,262
And it's actually kind of cool.
You can negotiate practically anything.
349
00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:10,765
And sometimes, even just
do stuff in the moment...
350
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:13,769
...you never agreed to pay for,
it goes by without argument.
351
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,566
You wanna know about relationships?
352
00:21:15,741 --> 00:21:18,676
I know all there is to know.
Just ask my second wife, Tina.
353
00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:21,176
Yeah, she was a stripper.
If Montel Williams was...
354
00:21:21,346 --> 00:21:25,407
... to talk shit some more, he can go fuck
himself because those charges were dropped.
355
00:21:25,584 --> 00:21:27,552
I think that's Mr. Powers.
356
00:21:29,488 --> 00:21:32,616
-There he is.
-Yeah.
357
00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:35,658
Sure, I've been called a xenophobe.
But the truth is, I'm not.
358
00:21:35,827 --> 00:21:37,920
I feel that America is the best country...
359
00:21:38,096 --> 00:21:42,396
...and all the other countries aren't as good.
That used to be called patriotism.
360
00:21:45,404 --> 00:21:48,601
-What is that?.
-It's Kenny.
361
00:21:50,909 --> 00:21:52,342
How do you know?.
362
00:21:53,779 --> 00:21:54,871
Because I know.
363
00:21:56,348 --> 00:22:00,250
Dustin, I know it is our Christ-given duty
to help out family...
364
00:22:00,419 --> 00:22:02,546
...but can't we just kill him instead?.
365
00:22:04,122 --> 00:22:05,953
I'm the older brother.
366
00:22:06,124 --> 00:22:08,115
No, I can't kill him...
367
00:22:08,393 --> 00:22:09,951
... but I can lay his ass out.
368
00:22:18,103 --> 00:22:20,571
Wake the neighborhood up tonight, huh?.
369
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,538
Fucking burning this
motherfucking house down.
370
00:22:24,710 --> 00:22:29,010
-What the hell are you doing?.
-Hey, Dustin. Look at me. I'm a fucking icon!
371
00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:32,116
-You're fucking up my siding.
-Man, fuck your siding.
372
00:22:32,284 --> 00:22:36,345
God's taking a dump on my face. The love
of my life doesn't want to have sex with me...
373
00:22:36,521 --> 00:22:39,251
...she's getting married to some
smoothie-eating fairy.
374
00:22:39,424 --> 00:22:42,723
The only job op I got is teaching
a bunch of fucking piss pants...
375
00:22:42,894 --> 00:22:44,589
...how to tie their shoes!
376
00:22:44,763 --> 00:22:47,061
This is me, Dustin, take a picture.
377
00:22:47,232 --> 00:22:50,793
I know the last few years have been tough.
But come on, man.
378
00:22:50,969 --> 00:22:55,065
Now you gotta live with us regular folks?. Big deal.
You act like it's a prison sentence.
379
00:22:55,340 --> 00:22:58,138
Sorry life here ain't the glitz
and glamour you're used to...
380
00:22:58,310 --> 00:23:00,778
...but you can't just run around
acting like a baby.
381
00:23:02,581 --> 00:23:06,210
You know, you used to be someone
I liked being around, and now you're not.
382
00:23:09,521 --> 00:23:11,682
And that's fucking sad, man.
383
00:23:15,961 --> 00:23:19,260
I mean, you just nailed it.
You just hit it on the head.
384
00:23:20,132 --> 00:23:24,398
-You're saying I gotta get back on top again.
-I'm saying you need to stop being an asshole.
385
00:23:24,569 --> 00:23:27,163
Yeah, man, I gotta remember
that I'm a winner, man.
386
00:23:27,339 --> 00:23:29,899
I need to remember that I am
better than everybody else.
387
00:23:30,075 --> 00:23:33,738
-That's not what I'm saying at all.
-Fuck, man. I'm a bullet-proof tiger, dude.
388
00:23:33,912 --> 00:23:37,370
If everyone in this town has forgotten
who I am, it's time I remind them.
389
00:23:37,549 --> 00:23:41,747
Maybe it's time I remind everybody
just who the fuck Kenny Powers is!
390
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:43,410
Knock that shit off.
391
00:23:43,588 --> 00:23:46,682
Man, brother, don't be sad, okay?.
Don't be bad.
392
00:23:46,858 --> 00:23:48,519
It's me. Your brother.
393
00:23:48,693 --> 00:23:51,719
You've helped me see the light.
Now I'm gonna help you.
394
00:23:51,897 --> 00:23:53,797
You see that Jet Ski?.
395
00:23:53,965 --> 00:23:56,399
Selling it. I'm selling the Jet Ski.
396
00:23:56,902 --> 00:23:59,769
-Bullshit.
-Bullshit nothing, man. That Jet Ski is a toy...
397
00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:03,874
...it's a distraction. And right now,
Kenny Powers does not need that.
398
00:24:04,042 --> 00:24:05,737
Kenny Powers needs to focus, okay?.
399
00:24:05,911 --> 00:24:08,971
Besides, man, that can help your family,
it can help pay for bills.
400
00:24:09,147 --> 00:24:11,012
Kenny Powers is back!
401
00:25:10,809 --> 00:25:13,676
Excuse me, students,
for this morning announcement.
402
00:25:13,845 --> 00:25:15,506
The Junior Hog Farm Committee...
403
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:18,649
...will hold an organizational
meeting after school.
404
00:25:19,317 --> 00:25:21,785
-The yearbook money is now--
-Get out of the way.
405
00:25:21,953 --> 00:25:23,147
-Hop up, dickweed.
-Hey!
406
00:25:23,321 --> 00:25:25,118
Is this thing on?
407
00:25:25,290 --> 00:25:28,225
I just push the fucking button?
Oh, they can hear me right now?
408
00:25:28,393 --> 00:25:30,953
Hello, school, can you hear me?
They can hear me?
409
00:25:31,129 --> 00:25:32,756
Good morning, students...
410
00:25:32,931 --> 00:25:36,992
... teachers, faculty members,
lunch ladies, janitors.
411
00:25:37,168 --> 00:25:39,636
This is Kenny Powers...
412
00:25:39,804 --> 00:25:41,271
... professional baseball player.
413
00:25:41,439 --> 00:25:43,873
And I got something I wanna say.
414
00:25:44,042 --> 00:25:47,637
A lot of you motherfuckers think you know
who Kenny Powers is.
415
00:25:47,812 --> 00:25:51,145
Well, I'm here today to tell ya'll
you don't know shit.
416
00:25:51,316 --> 00:25:54,752
There comes a time in every
man's life when he's got...
417
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:59,220
...to take a look at himself in the mirror
and decide just exactly who he is.
418
00:25:59,591 --> 00:26:02,890
Well, I've come to that crossroads
and I have decided...
419
00:26:03,995 --> 00:26:05,929
...Kenny Powers is a man.
420
00:26:06,097 --> 00:26:08,031
Kenny Powers is an athlete.
421
00:26:08,199 --> 00:26:10,064
Kenny Powers is a lover.
422
00:26:11,202 --> 00:26:13,602
But the most he is...
423
00:26:13,772 --> 00:26:16,172
...I mean the thing that
Kenny Powers is the most...
424
00:26:16,341 --> 00:26:18,138
...is a goddamn champion.
425
00:26:18,310 --> 00:26:22,406
And the one thing a champion
does not do is fucking quit.
426
00:26:22,714 --> 00:26:28,152
A true champion faces his enemies
and he conquers them.
427
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,413
Okay. Maybe we should--
428
00:26:31,323 --> 00:26:35,020
And that is why I'm here today to tell you all...
429
00:26:35,193 --> 00:26:38,822
...that Kenny Powers is officially...
430
00:26:38,997 --> 00:26:42,057
...accepting the position of PE coach...
431
00:26:42,233 --> 00:26:45,134
...here at Jefferson Davis Middle School.
432
00:26:45,303 --> 00:26:48,204
That is until the majors call me back up.
433
00:26:48,373 --> 00:26:50,534
So let's get the teaching on!
434
00:26:55,847 --> 00:26:58,782
-I'm out!
-Okay.
435
00:26:58,950 --> 00:27:03,887
Settle down, everyone. That was Mr. Powers
using some language that a bald eagle never uses.
436
00:27:04,055 --> 00:27:05,784
All right, everybody, show's over.
437
00:27:05,957 --> 00:27:07,185
Let's get back to work.
438
00:27:10,462 --> 00:27:12,896
-Ms. Buchanon?.
-Yes, honey.
439
00:27:30,849 --> 00:27:33,511
Where the fuck is that dude going?.
440
00:27:33,685 --> 00:27:35,277
It's still first period.
441
00:28:15,326 --> 00:28:18,523
Fuck you, Kenny! You piece of shit!
36918
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